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#alkaid : this is unfortunately . the love of my life
stikybug · 1 month
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This is extremely self-indulgent but i'm dumping all of my alexithymic!mc headcanons on the main tag , because her actions and what the characters say about her would be extremely funny considering all of this .
Spoilers for godheim main story under the cut!
MC has had trouble identifying many of her emotions since a young age, she never talked about it to anybody and learned to mask it very well. Her reactions are almost automatic, like they're actually hers.
The first time she really 'felt' the way others did was with the death of her mother. Sorrow, it felt so strong and unfamiliar to her. She had to find an outlet of some kind.
Art was the only time her emotions weren't muddled, but it could be because that itself was an abstraction of her thoughts. She didn't need to particularly parse through them and have many 'what ifs'.
Fast forward to the main story. Meeting the love interests elicits more than just a blunt emotional response. But it can't be called 'affection' just yet.
Godheim.
Mc feels guilty. She wants to return what seems to be some sort of budding affection for Alkaid, but she feels it doesn't last.
She doesn't realise little actions she does REFLECTS that. 'I'm caring for him while he's sick because I feel the strong urge to see him get better. No this isn't romance what are you talking about isn't this normal to feel?'
She feels it doesn't count because it seems to ebb and fade. She has the knawing feeling of wanting to be 'normal' for him. She wants to be better. She can't see the clear worry on her face, she can't see how she almost cries some times for 'unknown' reasons because she misses him.
It's oh so ever worse with Ayn. She would give her life over to him and what he cherishes in a heartbeat. But she feels so awkward when people refer to her as his girlfriend.
She doesn't love him back, probably. It's just an undying loyalty and understanding for him. It's a duty that she wants to fulfill. ( Why she wants to do it is completely lost on her. )
She thinks she's faking her care, for him, for the residents of the rat cave. It just doesn't line up with what she sees herself as. Despite this, she still almost forcefully wills him not to die. Not on her watch. She couldn't stand the thought of seeing him go.
By the time of Lars' route, she opens up to the idea of being closer to him. It was supposed to be an agreement-contract sort of relationship. But going slowly from 'alliance' to sympathy, devotion, and finally; what seems to be inklings of love she cannot do anything about but recognise. Nobody would risk their lives for an agreement alone.
Caring this much felt awful though, too many lives she swore she could have saved... If she was just a bit stronger, if she just reacted quicker. Maybe nobody would have to lose anything. All she could give was an attempt to comfort Lars during this time.
And while she went through the motions, she wondered... Maybe staying here would be alright? Maybe she could be his bride, or at the very least die beside him.
It was actually a laughable idea to her if you said she would feel something for Archmage Clarence. Anything other than annoyance or mild sympathy would be hard to elicit.
Him? The person who keeps picking fights with her? The person who insists on locking her up? That despite all her warnings decides that killing her is the best option? That Archmage Clarence?
She's interested in him when she spends more time in the Magi tower, unfortunately. He has his own motivations, he has someone he cares for.
She feels an unexplainable sadness at the true end of the magi. If it could happen to that little girl, how many more then would still meet that fate?
When she's actually faced with it in the end, she wants to start crying there. She can't, she can't cry in front of the man that only wants to see her live happily in the end.
The feeling persists, the memory of his is engraved in her mind forever.
Now Cael is an interesting case. She's not sure whether or not he could see right through her.
After everything in godheim, looking at him almost feels disconcerting. They share the same eyes, she never knew why she couldn't recognise that look in his eyes sooner.
Apathy. A cold heart. One that can't care or truly love anybody else.
Well, that's his words, not hers. But she can't bring herself to believe that. There's something like affection in the way he treats her, there's the warmth of blood so similar to everybody else.
So she says that, because she sincerely believes he's more than he thinks he is.
She still hesitates to call him, because one day he might tell her the same thing, and she wouldn't be able to deal with that.
...But maybe, they could figure out what the meaning of love is one day. And then they'll realize they were holding onto it all along.
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