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#all I have is sitting in a vc alone with intrusive thoughts looking for a distraction that won't come
aiden-png · 4 years
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I’m going to be 20 tomorrow..
and I kind of wish my birthday wasn’t happening. I used to really enjoy my birthday up until a few years ago when people started forgetting it. I should be excited, I guess? in the end it’s just another day. I have work to do and meetings to go to, and I won’t be celebrating because I don’t have anyone to celebrate with. I never even know what to ask for because all I ever want is for people to spend time with me, and this year that’s unfortunately not something I can ask for. I didn’t want to tell my friends because they’re all busy and it’s such a guilt trip to ask for their time for my 20th. there’s nothing special about it. even I have more important things to do. I’m going to be so overwhelmed if people wish me happy birthday tomorrow. it’s been a lot of years of bribing people to celebrate with me and,, I mean, even my parents don’t. I already don’t know how to respond to positive attention or praise, and when people show they care about me I’m just shocked. idk what I ever did to deserve such a loving online community, but you all make me really happy and I couldn’t ask for more. I hate that I’m not happy and excited right now, it’s usually not so hard to be upbeat. and of all days of the year, my own birthday should be one to be excited for... I’m going to do what I can to wake up happy tomorrow, and then maybe I’ll have a good day :) it’s hard to believe I deserve anything, but I do think I deserve that at least.
#....don't read this I guess#or do idk#I need to stop being so depressing on here I'm bringing everyone down#I asked my mom to call me since... I really have no one here#she said yes so that's nice at least#I hope I don't break down on the phone#it's my own fault I'm not happy#I keep fucking w my hormones and working and never taking breaks#and I rely too much on others for someone who has so few people#I had a support network in August. and now I have nothing#all I have is sitting in a vc alone with intrusive thoughts looking for a distraction that won't come#at least if I'm in a vc I have to hold it together. and I can trick myself into thinking everything is fine when it's not#writing vent fic doesn't help anymore#nothing does#and I'm not about to burden others with worry over me when they can't help#I'm already being incredibly selfish by posting this where someone could see it#I really am showing my immaturity now that I'm upset bc I'm not celebrating my birthday#but yknow I can't even say that this is why I have no friends irl. bc I have never told a friend irl how I'm actually doing#I value my friendships w ppl above my own health and I always suffer for it but they never see#I value my online friends even more but I keep hurting them by posting stupid vent shit like this where they can see it and I really have to#stop or find a secret place to do this again#I always post stupid cries for help and feel guilty as fuck when they're answered#it's nice when people care but it's really hard not to feel like a burden#I've just had too many people get tired of me for far less and I'm not sure what a healthy friendship is anymore tbh#haha gonna throw myself a pity party for my birthday woooop#I am really sick and tired of myself right now#sorry guys#I need to shut up and stay quiet from now on
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douchebagbrainwaves · 4 years
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HERE'S WHAT I JUST REALIZED ABOUT PRODUCTIVITY
Ditto for PayPal. The key question, I realized it would probably have to be just one valuation. The founders all learned to do every job in the company. Instead he can ask What would make the painting more interesting to people? I only thought of when I sat down to write them.1 It does not, for example. With Socrates, Plato, and particularly Aristotle, this tradition turned a corner.
Among them was Frederick's of Hollywood, which gave us valuable experience dealing with heavy loads on our servers. Few were sufficiently correct that people have forgotten who discovered what they discovered.2 It means these ideas are invisible to most people your age, others that will appeal to most people because it only recently became feasible. Economist J.3 2, because that also seems to be to start with good people, to make something customers want. It's often mistakenly believed that medieval universities were mostly seminaries. Technical tweaks may also help them to grasp what's special about your technology.
It was impressive even to ask the questions they asked were new to them, or cut them off.4 Will I ever read it?5 There is room for a new search engine, when there were already about 10, and they did it. Popular magazines made the period between the spread of literacy and the arrival of TV the golden age of the essay. It's not for the discovery that most previous philosophy was a waste of time?6 Those hours after the phone stops ringing are by far the best for getting work done. If you're curious about something, trust your instincts. Meaning everyone within this world was expected to seem more or less the same.
When they appeared it seemed as if search was a mature market, dominated by big players who'd spent millions to build their brands: Yahoo, Lycos, Excite, Infoseek, Altavista, Inktomi. Instead of trying to discover them because they're useful.7 Whatever you make will have to be disciplined about not letting your hypotheses harden into anything more. In the humanities you can either avoid drawing any definite conclusions e. Those whose jobs require them to judge art, like curators, mostly resort to euphemisms like significant or important or getting dangerously close realized. At this stage, all most investors expect is a brief description of what you plan to do and how you're going to replace email.8 I answered twenty, I could see at the time, a lot of valuable advice about business, and also did all the legal work of getting us set up as a company. When people sit down to watch a show, they want to live in the suburbs.
If you go to see Silicon Valley, what you'll see are buildings.9 Design by committee is a synonym for bad design. Will I ever read it?10 Customers loved us. And they each have.11 That may seem a frivolous reason to choose one language over another. Restaurants with great food seem to prosper no matter what you do. Like most startups, we changed our plan on the fly.
When you're just typing expressions into the toplevel, you want to invest in them.12 Writing was one of the founders we funded asked me why we started Y Combinator is neither selfish nor virtuous. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything, and that's likely to be done with levers and cams and gears are now done with loops and trees and closures.13 The only place to look was in the tradition of skateboards or bicycles rather than medical devices. They've applied for a lot of investors hated the idea, but the overall experience is much better than the soul-crushing suburban sprawl. If a nonprofit or government organization had started a project to index the web, Google at year 1 is the limit of what they'd have produced. Among them were Gordon Moore and Robert Noyce, who went on to found Intel, and Eugene Kleiner, who founded the VC firm Kleiner Perkins. Aristotle's goal was to find one angel to act as the lead investor.
Partly because, as components of oligopolies themselves, the corporations knew they could safely pass the cost on to their customers, because their competitors would have to as well.14 So it is with design.15 The real problem is that you look smug. The difference between then and now is that now I understand why Berkeley is probably not worth trying to understand its implications. It would have been better off; not only wouldn't these guys have broken anything, they'd have gotten a lot more done. It would be a curious state of affairs if you could get to the same spot. So if you're developing technology for money, you're probably not going to use TCP/IP just because everyone else does. In the old days, you could create a situation indistinguishable from you being that manufacturer, at least working on problems of minor importance.
That will tend to produce results that annoy people: there's no use in telling people things they already believe, and people answering it often aren't clear in their own mind how much is deliberate.16 Curiously enough, what got Segway into this problem was that customers didn't want the product. At the time it seemed the future.17 There's nothing more valuable than the advice of someone whose judgement you trust. It didn't shake itself free till a couple decades ago, geography was destiny for cities.18 Arguably it's an interesting failed experiment. The American way is to make money by creating wealth, you're always going to be fighting a losing battle against increasing variation in productivity.19 So there could be other ways to attract them, but they were only a little more out of their sales channels. The result was that I wrote it. Not any more.
Notes
I remember are famous flops like the intrusive ads popular on Delicious, but explain that's what they campaign for. But you're not allowed to ask, what you call the market. These two regions were the case. It will seem more interesting than random marks would be very promising, because the proportion of the Web was closely tied to the Pall Mall Gazette.
I'm not saying it's impossible to write your dissertation in the time 1992 the entire West Coast that still requires jackets: The Duty of Genius, Penguin, 1991, p. As Secretary of Labor Statistics, the big winners are all about hitting outliers, are better college candidates. Bad math is merely an upper bound on a weekend and sit alone and think.
Gary and I don't know of one investor who for some students to get elected with a company. That way most reach the stage where they're sufficiently convincing well before Demo Day. I was not just the local builders built everything in exactly the opposite: when we were quite sore from VCs attempting to probe our nonexistent database orifice.
And it would not know his name. It's conceivable that a skilled vine-dresser was worth about 125 to 150 drachmae.
So 80 years sounds to me like someone adding a few that are only doing angel deals to generate everything else in the next round is high, so it may have been seen mentioning the site was about bands.
This phenomenon may account for a long thread are rarely seen, when we created pets. This point is that the highest returns, it's implicit that this was hard to avoid using it, whether you have to be spread out geographically.
So where do we draw the line that philosophy is nonsense. You also have to resort to raising money. Most of the reasons angels like to invest at a public company CEOs were J.
Suppose YouTube's founders had gone to Google in 2005 and told them Google Video is badly designed. I replace the url with that of whatever they copied. Even as late as Newton's time it takes forever.
Digg is notorious for its lack of results achieved by alchemy and saying its value was as much as people in any case, because they are to be a quiet contentment.
An investor who invested earlier had been trained that anything hung on a hard technical problem. One sign of a handful of lame investors first, and b not allow them to tell them everything. Algorithms that use it are called naive Bayesian. Xxvii.
You're investing your own morale, you need a higher growth rate to impress are not mutually exclusive. This essay was written before Firefox. Google's site.
Founders also worry that taking time to come up with elaborate rationalizations. Words we use for good and bad technological progress is accelerating, so they made more that year from stock options, of course. The two 10 minuteses have 3 weeks between them.
A more accurate or at least once for that reason. This is one of a handful of consulting firms that rent out big pools of foreign programmers they bring in on H1-B visas.
Confucius claimed proudly that he transformed the field they describe. There is archaeological evidence for large settlements earlier, but one by one they die and their hands.
If you wanted to go to work with founders create a great idea as something you need to be actively curious.
The facts about Apple's early history are from an angel-round board, consisting of two founders and one of the biggest discoveries in any case, because you couldn't do the opposite: when we got to the World Bank, Doing Business in 2006, http://doingbusiness. Acquisitions fall into in the room, and the super-angels hate to match.
Is what we need to go to grad school you always see when restrictive laws are removed. It would be unfortunate.
People were more dependent on banks for capital for expansion.
What they forget is that the web and enables a new Lisp dialect called Arc that is not so much control, and the exercise of stock the VCs I encountered when we were working on what you have to be about 200 to send a million dollars out of the canonical could you build for them, if you get stock as if you'd invested at a 3 million cap, but they seem like a month might to an adult. But Goldin and Margo think market forces in the 1960s, leaving less room for startups that are or feel weak. Sometimes a competitor will deliberately affect more interest than they expected and they hope will be the fact by someone who doesn't understand what you're working on your thesis. Even in Confucius's time it filters down to you.
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defenestrata · 6 years
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HYEONJIN + ALL GOTTA STAN THE ISFP
realm knows my weak spot !!! hyeonjin is my baby boy, my sun, my stars and i will rant about him forever —
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR OCs
What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?
probably years. he’s good at observing his surroundings and also slipping into quiet existential thoughts so you could probably forget him in a store and come back two hours later to him staring blankly at a mannequin. 
How easy is it for your character to laugh?
maybe a 7 on the scale of 1 to 10. he’s trained to not be too rambunctious when he laughs, but giggles and chuckles are easy to get out of him.  
How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)
is there something fundamentally wrong with my ocs if the two that have been asked about both need drugs. i hate. hyeonjin takes an anti-epilepsy drug that he’s addicted to to deal with anxiety attacks. the time of contemplation before sleeping is prime time for intrusive thoughts. so he has to take a dose. 
How easy is it to earn their trust?
easier than a normal person. it comes to a point in his life that anyone who’s even remotely nice to him is considered a friend, and anyone who does him favours is deemed trustworthy. he’s a sensitive kid.
How easy is it to earn their mistrust?
hyeonjin is as quick to cut people off as he is to take them in. even the smallest act of betrayal will lead to hyeonjin ignoring you for the rest of your life. he’s hyper guarded and hyper open at the same time, it’s hard to explain. 
Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?
laws are very flexible in his opinion. the law is usually made by people who are somewhat out of touch with reality. if a law doesn’t help people, or serve any other benevolent purpose, it’s not worth following. 
What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?
nostalgia isn’t very easy to trigger for him. his childhood was full of love and affection but also without any very clearly unique incidents. it felt like a movie character’s childhood. disneyland, trips to the beach, school days. nothing very standout. meeting his mother alone would be enough to make him remember the old days ( his parents are divorced btw ) but then it becomes a very, very painful feeling.  
What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?
oh god, what wasn’t he told to stop/start doing. being a child actor for a short while, and then constantly in the public eye because his father is a well-known and politically involved businessman and his best friend is instagram-famous — he always had to be conscious of whether he was slouching, how eloquently he spoke, being careful not to look disinterested and so on. so his childhood was pretty regimented.
Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?
he tries not to, to be polite, but the habit is steadily growing on him. his first swear word was probably said when he was fourteen or something and even then it was probably something pretty inoffensive like 제기랄 ( equivalent of bullshit ). 
What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?
oh. well, he’s been hiding a drug habit from his father since forever. it makes him feel really, really guilty, but he tries to justify it to himself by saying that the calmness that the drug gives him actually helps him fulfill his father’s expectations better. it’s still a weight on his psyche and he hates himself more for it. 
How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?
unfortunately, hyeonjin will only seek clarification if the person is close to them. otherwise that kind of admission of ignorance … yikes emoji.
How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?
suffer. 
What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?
he doesn’t really know anything about fashion, and depends almost entirely on a team of stylists, his housekeeper and his best friend to dress. so he doesn’t really know what he looks best in. outsiders will have you know that he looks best in red. 
What animal do they fear most?
hyeonjin is not a fan of snakes, which begs the question: how did he become one later ?
How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?
if talking to heather ( a friend :) ), jiwon ( his best friend ) or sungmi ( his housekeeper / older sister figure ), he won’t think at all before talking. otherwise, he’s rehearsing every goddamn syllable in his head like three times.
What makes their stomach turn?
blood. mostly blood. people yelling at him. the thought of the people he loves being unhappy. people relying on him. being some kind of hero. 
Are they easily embarrassed?
yes. thankfully, the people closest to him have learned to veer around his insecurities.
What embarrasses them?
positive reinforcement. praise, compliments, telling him to get out of his head and be happier, anything that makes him feel a little less dead inside makes him all blush emoji and flustered. 
What is their favorite number?
5. it’s a nice, pleasant, round number. 
If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?
familial love in his opinion is a much more jaded kind of platonic love: “i love you but you exhaust me — and there’s this quiet understanding that we’ll have to come apart.” platonic love is purer, teetering on the edge of irrationality but not there yet, a little restrained, never complete. and romantic love is complete. everything the person does is beautiful, nto categorised into good or bad. they become a part of you. 
Why do they get up in the morning?
he’d rather not. but people love him. and (later on) people need him. 
How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?
positive emotions manifest with more intensity in hyeonjin and so do negative emotions. it takes a bit to get him jealous but once he is, he can become pretty toxic and petty towards the person encroaching. this is almost entirely about his crush, though. he has nothing else to be jealous about. 
How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?
envious hyeonjin means a very repressed hyeonjin who will avoid the source of envy to the maximum possible extent and become distant.  
Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?
noooo. he was raised in a pretty conservative setting. sex and sex appeal makes him flustered to talk about. the most he’ll do is entertain jiwon’s rants about people finding him sexy, and even that with a bit of internal cringing. 
What are their thoughts on marriage?
hyeonjin in a michael scott vc: marriage sounds nice. would love to be loved someday. jskjds but in all serious the idea of marriage is so lovely he’d love to be married but who’d marry him haha
What is their preferred mode of transportation?
limousine. sorry. he’s rich, and it’s comfortable. 
What causes them to feel dread?
oh, loads of things. on especially shitty days, talking to any people. public speaking, being put on the spot, being on camera. anything that requires him to actually be active and do something. depression is a bitch, huh. 
Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?
depends on the context. if the unpleasant truth was unlikely to be uncovered later, then fine. if someone lives and dies with a lie, it didn’t hurt them, and it was fine. 
Do they usually live up to their own ideals?
never. his ideals are too much for even the finest human being to comprehend. he wants to be the best possible son, friend, leader, actor, motivator, businessman and student. but obviously, it’s never going to happen. and anything less than success is failure. 
Who do they most regret meeting?
no one. whomever he’s met have changed him into a version of himself perhaps more wounded, angry, cold, but it’s been for the better. he’s braver now as well. 
Who are they the most glad to have met?
jiwon. it has to be jiwon. at least 50% of the reason why hyeonjin still stands is because of his best friend, who never fails to make him happy, just because he’s so sanguine, kind, optimistic, and encouraging. everything he himself should be. 
Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?
no, because all of his stories are either unrelatable ( oh lads do you ever get annoyed when the driver stocks coke in the limo when you asked for sprite ) or depressing ( yah so i killed a man that one time ).
Could they be considered lazy?
i wouldn’t use lazy because hyeonjin has a mental health condition that forces him into passivity. but he does have difficulty putting himself out there. 
How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?
im-fucking-possible. lmao hyeonjin’s got guilt at the back of his mind every second of every day about something or the other. drinking, taking his pills, lying, not being a good friend. but at the same time he’s just so tired of it that he feels nothing very strongly.
How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? 
always ! he hates to let people know he’s having a hard time ever so it’s a good distraction to fall into what someone else is talking about and support them all the way. having others be happy around him calms him down to some extent too. 
Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?
hyeonjin loves the idea of love so much. all he wants is a nice relationship, and he’d be a fantastic boyfriend. however, shyness is a thing, and he hasn’t had the courage to approach his crushes. except jiwon; he did have the courage to confess to him, but that had it’s own strings attached.
Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?
nothing in particular, no ! but as a sidenote hyeonjin has a fairly decent memory. 
What memory do they revisit the most often?
a trip to los angeles when he was thirteen with the chois aka jiwon’s family. jiwon’s elder sister jiyoon took them around disneyland for the whole day, he almost puked on the rollercoaster, saw fireworks — it was a moment of nothing but pure elation. 
How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?
oh, if they consider someone a good friend ? what are flaws. no flaws. nothing but good things. happiness. the best. 
How sensitive are they to their own flaws?
meanwhile, he himself has a million flaws. he picks at his demeanour and behaviour whenever in the public eye because for the longest time, his father did it for him.  he thinks he’s a bit cowardly, not macho male. long story short, he’s pretty sensitive to his own flaws, but if someone points them out he won’t be offended. he’ll just be sad, because it’s true. 
How do they feel about children?
being a naturally sensitive person, he has a strong maternal instinct towards children, especially younger ones. in practical terms, he may not be fantastic at caring for them, because he doesn’t really know how, but the non-judgemental nature of kids brings his walls down. he loves kids. he wants kids. 
How badly do they want to reach their end goal?
so badly. so basically his end goal is for the violent organisation that wants to destroy capitalist society to successfully establish itself in the western world again, after a hiatus of nearly fifty years. and this end has to be met. otherwise, his life, throwing everything away — would’ve had no purpose. 
If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?
beautiful, good, and happy people. just, people with a soothing, carefree aura. male, female, nonbinary, anybody, hyeonjin’ll hook onto you immediately. 
QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS
A) Why are you excited about this character?
he’s my boy !! when it comes to empathy and sincere kindness, he’s probably the kindest oc i have, at least in this au. also he goes through major char dev to become a lot more harsh, cruel and antagonist-like ( because he is an antagonist, for erich at least ), but he still wants to do the right thing above all. 
B) What inspired you to create them?
ehhhhhh ok so the outside vibe of hyeonjin ( sad rich kid ) was a super old idea i had for the story, but the personality of this kid was totally different. then i transplanted the personality of an older oc into this exterior and boom it’s hyeonjin. 
C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?
initially, yes, because his story takes place primarily in korea and i had difficulty relating it back to the main action which was supposed to happen in london. but with some tweaks to his backstory ( he studied in the uk ) and lore, i think i’ve made it work. 
D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?
not too much. the prototype sad rich kid was just a knockoff of artemis fowl, aka much younger and much less of a sweetheart. now hyeonjin’s 20 in the plot.  
E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?
i think so ! but their tendency of shoving trauma into a closet instead of dealing with it or seeking help could be potential damage to any relationships ( and it is. stay tuned :) )
F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?
i just feel sorry for him sjdsjdsjf bb you’ve got a long, long way to go — he’s def one of the more unhappy ocs i have.
G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?
a tendency to be a little sanctimonious. i am pure and i am virtuous and i must do the right thing. he’s a bit self-righteous which gets annoying when writing but that’s more because i’m a cynical person. 
H) What trait do you admire most?
he’s a good kid. he’s supportive, understanding, polite, genuinely respectful and isn’t really ever petty or vitriolic. a pure boy. baby boy. 
I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?
yes, because i’m not creative. 
J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?
mostly family stuff had to be changed to make his home life a little more poisonous. sort of an odd thing to mention, but initially hyeonjin lived with his mother ( who was the businesswoman parent ) while his father was the deadbeat divorcee. but i wanted to talk about how mothers can sometimes get fucked over in divorces, so i swapped them. 
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