#all i can hope is that itll be because ill move the fuck out

[liquidstar]

after a break i finally got back to drawing oc batches :) i have 2/8 for my next set done... yaaaaayyy

#i hope i can finish them all by this time next week but id be being generous! #still i managed to get 2 done in 2 days....! #but i have plans this weekend so i wont get to the third one until later #and then the kids on weekdays so. we will seeeee #its the owl feather batch btw. they won the last poll LOL #cobalt heart will have to come after #then ill probably do the two royals? i need to get around to them. andy's parents #followed by the scouts! #then some misc characters probably posted on their own #and for the last big batch itll be the tartarus crew #then a smaller batch for some parents and stuff #then probably arion #aaaaaaaand atlas will be the last one. just him. because hes sooo special #saving the most fucked up guy for last lol #overall progress 93/134. it will be 99 when this set is done! #ohhh maybe i should move up one of the characters to post as a single. for the 100th #maybe #anyway im rambling but this helps me plan stuff out. tumblr dot com is my rubber duck

[lilxsturniolo1xx]

Its what i do.

pairing: Matt x Reader

Ive been ignoring matt for a few days now, not because hes done anything wrong or im annoyed at him, its actually the complete opposite. i found myself falling for him, but he cant know that, itll ruin him. ill ruin him. He doesnt deserve that, hence why ive ignored him, im pushing him away. Since i was a child i grew up in a rough household, one of which no one knew how to communicate, ending in screaming matches to get your point across. From a young age i have been degraded by my own family.

"no one wants you, not even us!" My dad used to say, his stone-cold eyes peircing deep into my soul as the venom of his words seep into my brain. replaying over and over again.

"your just not good enough." My mother would say, shrugging her shoulders and flicking the ash from her cigarette into my dads empty beer can.

After hearing that day in, day out, on repeat it does something to you. Well, it did something to me. It made me hate myself. Whenever someone tried to get close to me id shut them down, thinking it was a sick joke, as my mother said ' im just not good enough'.

So when i found out i had feelings for matt, i locked myself away. Scared of me slipping up infront of him just for him to tell me what ive been hearing my whole life, because with matt it felt different. I felt safe. So hearing them words come out of his mouth would've broke me. This is how i made sure i would never have to hear them.

Ive been hearing my phone go crazy all day, every time i check it, i see matts message popping up on my screen, i then shut my phone off to ignore him, somewhat scared of messaging him. until i finally have the courage to open the messages, and by this time, ive had 13 notifications. All from him.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Hes coming here, now! what do i do. panicked, i rushed and put some half-decent clothes on, and a slight bit of makeup to make me look less dead. As i sat on my bed, thoughts rushing through my brain as i twiddled my thumbs somewhat scared of even going on my phone, i heard three knocks on my front door. Matts here. Frozen, i just sat there and ignored the door hoping hed give up and go away. Then i remembered, hes got a fucking key!

i hear the twist of my lock and footsteps coming into my house, followed by my name being called. Once again, i ignore him.

Maybe he'll think no ones home and leave. i thought to myself, asif i didnt know Matt Sturniolo like the back of my hand.

He began walking up the stairs and i was still sat there, like a statue. I dont even know why i didnt just tell him to go away or something, my body wasnt moving despite how much i tried, i was stuck In some sort of trance, that was until i heard a rattle of my bedroom door handle.

a/n: Hey! sorry leaving you on a cliffhanger like this but it was getting way too long but pt2 will be out soon, i hope you like this one anyway😊xx

#sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo fic

[marzonfloor]

PSA:This is a long thing thats just involving my personal issues. Dont feel like you have to read or comment anything. Its just me being sad.

Lost a friend yesterday. She doesn't wanna be my friend anymore. Its my fault but it still hurts a lot. I cried today. We ended off on okay terms though. I asked if we could still be civil and talk sometimes and if its okay to her and she said yes. I hope she doesn't talk shit about me to other people but I dont think shes that person at all. I still have all the love in the world for her and hope shes succeeds. Itd be so much more different if we hated eachother but we dont at least I dont. It also sucks because as of right now she has no social medias but if she were to get them again I wouldnt be on there. Id slowly start to know nothing about her. Id only have the memories. Which speaking of socials since she fully deleted her snapchat if she makes a new one she wont have the old memories unlike me. I cant scroll my memories too much or i will just see her and everything. I get the memories and I guess thats part of my punishment for fucking up. She gets new while Im stuck with the ghosts. I mean she hasn't deleted me off duolingo,pinterest,and airbuds so maybe itll be fine. Im just very sad. Also she lives one street away from me. So im not longer taking the bus in the mornings because if I see her for a while I think id start sobbing violently. This is so much but I can type long on here twitter doesn't have that. I wonder if our mutuals will take sides. Theyd take hers understanbly. It also sucks bc I dont have a the screenahot of the long message sent I back incase some how she does say something mean. I do wish ahed ask to try and be friends again but I get it. Plus people grow and move on. I need to also. Im just so sad at the moment. At least she didnt send it on Christmas but the day after. Im so ill. I shouldnt even get the luxury to feel bad because this is all my fault. I have never tried to make her feel bad. I feel awful that I have. Atleast its the last year of highschool and I'll never see her again. If I do though see her in 10,15 or even 20 years later id probably still feel like vomiting or dying because I went from at least I think knowing her pretty well in my opinion to then 10 years later knowing absolutely nothing about someone i once called me best friend. Who probably out of everyone knew me the best. Truly knew me. This is so long but im so sad lmao. It's selfish to hope she might miss me but I do. I hope she doesn't look back at everything and feels angry. Maybe happy for overall everything. I dont know. Im gonna throw up. Shes amazing though. Whoever gets to call her a friend is a lucky person. Shes the best you could get. I could only hope she has a little bit of kindness spared towards me still and mayeb thinks of me .

[yifftwiceplz]

-- realSlimStrider [RSS] started pestering yiffTwicePlz [YTP] at 11:32pm --

RSS: Dave. YTP: dirk RSS: I know. YTP: huh RSS: I know about the apparition following you around. YTP: ... YTP: what the genuine fuck how can you possibly know about that RSS: I know about all my splinters. I was vaguely aware of the one in Jake's brain. Now I'm vaguely aware of yours. YTP: what the fuck man YTP: i thought maybe my vape was too strong or i was just having another psychotic break YTP: dont you fucking dare tell rose i swear to god dude i know how you are i know its 50/50 you just go behind my back but please for the love of fucking god dont tell rose or anyone RSS: She's family. She needs to know. So does Roxy. YTP: fucking no dude im not playing dont tell them shit it sucks enough you know RSS: ... YTP: just YTP: fuck dude YTP: he just stands there YTP: menacingly RSS: That's really the kind of thing you shouldn't keep from people. Have you even told Karkat? YTP: yeah RSS: Yeah? YTP: yeah RSS: So if I ask him about it he won't be surprised. YTP: god fucking damnit dude can you just let me tell him in my own time ive barely processed it as is RSS: Yeah. That's fair. Sorry. I was worried about you. Especially with how you've been hiding it. YTP: yeah well YTP: i guess i just keep hoping itll go away YTP: its so weird when karkat kisses me goodbye or were cuddling on the couch and hes just there YTP: what the hell am i supposed to do RSS: Talk to him? YTP: fuck no RSS: Why? YTP: man i already processed that grief and moved on and youre my bro now and then i got dave and now this asshole living literally rent free in both my head and my house RSS: So you're just going to ignore him for the rest of your life. YTP: yep RSS: Okay. You're not going to do that but I'll let you come to terms with it. YTP: cool thanks YTP: again if you tell rose or karkat or anyone without my permission first im genuinely gonna kick your ass and i dont mean in a fight i mean im gonna hurt your fucking feelings dude i need you to pull through on this for me and keep it a secret until i feel a little more sane and capable RSS: Okay. RSS: But I'm still going to check in. RSS: Because we both know you were never going to tell anyone. YTP: cocksucker YTP: fine RSS: Hey. I'm only being this way because I care man. I know it can't be easy. I know it's another straw on an already very overencumbered and frail-of-knee camel. RSS: You can't shoulder shit like this on your own. RSS: I'm here for you. YTP: i know YTP: sorry RSS: Don't be. YTP: can i come hang for a bit YTP: ill bring food kanayas sending me some to share and kks smooth passed out RSS: Yeah. Door's unlocked.

-- yiffTwicePlz [YTP] ceased pestering realSlimStrider [RSS] at 12:13am --

#posted ooc #privchats

[daedalusdavinci]

i dont really know who or how many people check my blog for updates on where im at with my writing and stuff but in honor of starting to come out of the fog im just going to like. level, really quick. writing is a personal affair intricately tied to what were coping with at the time so as i give updates for what i have planned im also going to talk about shit im going through so heres your warning now

you might have seen it in the a/n for brothers return for the whole ten seconds it was there before i backspaced it out of existence but a family member of mine died in october and writing- living, really- has been almost impossible since. its only just now starting to get easier.

we finally spread the ashes a couple weeks ago or so now and it feels. lighter, now. easier to breathe. i have his art hanging in my bedroom and im going to see my cousins again in a week and my foot is broken so i have all new things to focus on, and its. yknow. we move forward.

ive written a couple of things between now and october but looking at them they feel... short, and hollow, and i can tell i wasnt feeling what i was writing even though i convinced myself at the time that it was good enough. theres a very good chance ill try and rewrite brothers return and the second robin (i HATE those titles btw), because i feel like theyre fics that need to happen but its also. SO hard to write about resurrection when youre grieving?? lol??? like. someone in my life died and im never getting him back and now i have to put myself in dicks shoes where he DOES get jason back and its just. thats not easy, man. its suddenly become an almost impossible topic. but im hoping, now, that maybe i can finally reconnect with it and rewrite it in a way im actually satisfied with

snow day i will straight up be dubbing noncanon from now on. i doomed myself the second i wrote son of dent and made it so harvey and bruce have to not be dating the entire fucking time jasons a kid and ive managed to keep to that pretty well so far adn find wiggle room here and there but snow day was really. sldkjfnslkdnfsdf its a plot hole. its a huge plot hole. i wrote it because i wanted to write something that felt good not something that made sense and i SUCCEEDED but man does it not make sense. so im just gonna be striking it from the canon and keeping it up regardless.

moving into future fics, though. i dunno, man. i finally plotted out that detective au ive wanted to write for ages but its gonna be long and im scared to start it.

i did read all of damians preboot comics (or at least, the ones on the list i was given) (id read some before and ive read some n52 ones already so this was just filling in the last of the gaps (mostly his origin story)) and filled in the last of the preboot timeline (post jasons resurrection, idc about anything before that) so i feel prepared to write the next installment of the jdau, whatever that is, but i havent decided exactly what that is. itll probably be al ghul centric, tho. thats all i know tho! thats all i know

but i guess. keep your expectations low. im figuring things out. might reopen prompt requests soon tho, and im trying my absolute best

#tbd #eventually im sure #jason dent au

[sojrner-fishsticcc]

hey im back

hey uh. was gone for a while. yeah after i finished the loona model i just kinda dropped stuff srorry. but im back now i think. thats cool. i need to figure out how to sell the model n like transfer money and stuff cos i never figured that out and finish setting up my carrd site if i want to get serious about selling stuff but uh. nah. not feeling it. ill do that later. starting another model.

here’s what ive been working on recently. i think i mentioned i wanted to make a roxanne wolf model at some point by reskinning the loona model and this is kinda that. i copied the entire loona model in hopes itll save most of the animation work i did because fuck me i am not reanimating all that. i rescaled a handful of the parts like the legs and breast segment to better fit roxanne’s proportions, and also did some more extreme stuff like fully remodeling the hair, tail, and arms to make it feel fresh. rlly proud of the hair especially. it rules.

YEAH THOSE ARE INDEPENDENT OBJECTS FOR THE HAIR. there’s abt 32 different objects whicll use the same mesh so its just one hair piece duplicated a bunch. its hopefully made in a way that it can still flow and animate like hair without moving every individual part.

also i mentioned redoing the arms which is a lot more than it sounds like. the arms have that extra 3px-wide band for the arm warmers, but thats actually a fully seperate object so that it has full-arm movement for posing n stuff! whichll rule! im hoping to make some cool gestures for her like doing a jumpscare and some other stuff. i also want to try my hand at giving her more solid eye and mouth animation cos like... expressions would be cool.

anyway. thats it for now. ill post when i get textures for her done (or if something else happens) right now the textures are just blockbench placeholders that i colored to match her parts. super excited to texture this ahhh!!!! alright bye. <3

#roxanne wolf #fnaf sb #furry #furry art #furry character #minecraft #minecraft mods #modded minecraft #3d model #pixel art #player model

[goblinrockcandy]

hey guys im BACK baby and i have some words

here are links so you can still find everything, but be wary that these links are probably gonna break any minute when i start moving everything around. lets hope i can remember to fix them and that i dont take a year to get to doing that: ARCHIVE    MY ART    OTHER ORGANIZATION TAGS

IM STILL ALIVE. i like to think that i never rlly left, but I havent posted in a damn while and part of that is because life stuff caught up with me and moreso because uhhhhhh Well im not quite satisfied with the way my blogs formatted right now, it makes posting and organizing and navigating harder than it has to be and it makes it Not Fun to post things.

SO. what we're gonna do is revamp things a lil bit. we're fucking doing this we are Making It Happen. what this'll do is itll make it easier for me to post things without having to remember every silly tag and rule i have set up here, and ill also just have a bit more of a laid-back and fun kinda art blog. i tried to do an elaborate tagging system, but MAN i am too forgetful for that.

so im just gonna keep it simple. character, fandom, content warnings, and maybe some other flavourtags. the sorts of things thatll make it easier for me to just pop up a quick drawing on even a busy day without having to go through a silly step by step process on how to tag things. because i love sharing my art and posting :)) but not so much when it is difficult </3

but hell who knows how thisll go after i reboot my bloggo. i think she was due for some maintenance for a long while. *pats the sidebar like you would soothe an agitated horse* there there girl, its gonna be alright. maybe ill even start making... casual posts? text posts? things like that??? damn Maybe.

im also gonna private some organization posts until i can properly wrangle then and sort out their kinks and oddities, and im gonna disable my blog theme for a bit. when i get a braincell on how to do an html and a css properly, THEN i can have a pretty theme. in the meantime, ill probably just set myself up with one of the tumblr defaults.

anyways. *ahem* for anyone who doesnt know me and this is their first stumble upon my blog while i move things around. feel free to click the read more if you want to subject yourself to the silliest introduction i could make for myself possible.

hi. i like to draw but lately my art skills have been a bit shakey, i think im out of practice so im probably gonna start out doing some studies. my styles and designs for characters are always changing, but lately ive been trying to cement some designs that are in my brain Onto Paper.

im goblinrockcandy but you can call me GRC if that's a mouthful (thats what i call me because i do not have time for 5 syllables). im a Knight of Heart and sometimes that gets shortened to KoH and so sometimes people call me koh. now KOH is also the chemical formula for potassium hydroxide, but no one calls me that (a real shame, it flows right off the tongue and i think its a lovely set of sounds), but potassium hydroxide also goes by another name and that is lye. so sometimes people call me lye. i don't have a name so if you want to refer to me you have to get creative or pick up my blog by the scruff of its handle like a really ugly cat and point at it and say "this motherfucker right here".

same goes for pronouns. my pronouns are none/applicable. you gotta BE CREATIVE if you want to refer to me... pronouns are a crutch. they were your training wheels and now im the final boss. you have to fight me with your other words, this is what you have been training for.......

im trans queer person of colour, painfully unfunny and addicted to bad jokes, and i love homestuck. my faves switch up every once in a blood moon but right now i really fuckin love jake english. you might have discerned that by the very subtle hints of I talk about Him all the time & dirt striber avatar.

#announcement #intro post

[vertinen]

IM HAVING IDENTITY ISSUES AGAIN. BCS OF THE SAME FRIENDDDDDS. I HATE HOW I DONT HAVE A BACKBONE WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Why cant i understand people? Why will the other leave? I understand her abandonment issue sbut please dont abandon me i dont want it to happen again. I’ll spill eveyrthing ill be nice, ill change my personaith just so you could be my friend. Please.

Every friend i have keeps leaving me i dont want to be left alone again with my mother please i cant take it anymore. My dad doesnt even want me, my mom is too complex i dont know what she wants from me.

My 2 best friends have left me when i entered high school, made up excuses that they thought I was busy when i kept repeating i wasnt that busy. They left me and in the end i blocked them so i can keep up the act that i did something to cut them off. I didnt do jack shit, they left before i could even act like i left them. Im a fucking pussy, a coward who can only yell and yell because thats the only good thing i could do. To yell loudly and hope anyone can catch what im saying, how im trying to call for help.

It feels disgusting when i rant to them, it feels humiliating that I made this tumblr acc so i could stop harassing them. I hate you so much it makes me puke, it makes me want to tear your face off why are you me?

Im tired, im angry, im sad, im scared, im jealous, im trigger happy, why cant i have good parents? She has a good relationship with her mother and rich, the other can afford therapy and is going to therapy. Why cant i have that? Is it because i cant be independent? I can be i swear! I can be just give me a shot im begging.

I’ll stop giving my opinions, i can be your own jester, your own clown, your own puppet just please treat me like im the world. Give me love, give me affection, give me all of the things i never had as a kid, im easy to please, im easy to entertain just please. Dont leave me. I hate being left all alone with her.

My dad ignored my cries of help. I dont want to be in the shadow, i want to be in the light just like them! I want to be free.

I want to have my own independence! I want to know more about myself instead of being scared to analyze myself because it’lm fuck me up more. I want to understand people because i was trapped in a cage for so long that i dont understand social norms, society, and etiquette.

I’m sorry im bad at giving my opinions, to give flowery meaning to my words, i swear i can be better if you could just let me.

I want to scream at him what she wants to do, that she wants to leave us in the dust as soon as she leaves our school.

Its killing me. I want her to be free from this cage, she wants out and i get it. But if she leaves then she’ll leave us, why does she want to leave? I know why but it just shatters me why.

I want to scream at her sometimes. To scream she’s just like her fathe rbut i know itll break her if i tell her because shes not like her father its just because of her father that she cuts people before they cut her out in due time. I understand that i really do because my dad did that too many times, but still.

Im scared of people leaving me. Thats why i still havent left my mom even if she’s verbally abusive to me. I didnt leave my best friends even if we were toxic, even if i saw that they had moved on without me. It took 3 fucking years before i blocked them, even if they had left me behind i still stayed. Why? Why do i cling to people?

Well its because i want love. Humans crave love and affection and unfotunately I am one.

The first paragraph was about my friend psychoanalyzing me, saying im an extrovert and how i accept his opinion even if i feel like im not an extrovert and feel like an introvert, yet i force myself to think im an extrovert but im not. Im not agender i just lied to him about being agender, im genderqueer. There i finally fucking said it.

He’s a sweet friend, its just that whatever he says i acceot without hesitation because hes the 3rd friend i finally got and i dont want to mess things up. I keep messinh things up i hate it.

I dont know how to keep a friend, i dont know how to be myself, i dont know how to accept that friends leave, i dont know how to stop traumadumping because of how my trauma broke me as a person, i dont know how to tell people the problems i have like a normal person.

Once the facade cracks everything breaks, my whole reality is breaking, tearing apart, eaten up by my depression, my identity crisis, my trauma, and by myself.

I’m sorry.

[bubsub69]

Entry 35

6/12/2023 00:15 Why the hell did i think it would be different. why would we go back to talking regularly after she ghosts me for almost 2 weeks i wish i could just move on, but i neither want to nor can find someone else, i browsed through fetlife and stuff and tried messaging some poeple yesterday but no luck there either… one of the scammers from telegram posted a story about needing a 'favor' and theyll dominate for free… the favor is most likely asking to borrow an account for posting on reddit because of karma requirements because shes posted another story asking that… asking about the favor seems really tempting for some reason, i dont know why im interested in someone that charges and is dishonest, probably because of despair, you know i dont even know why im being anonymous about her its @goddessclaire8 if someone shares this telegram accoung a) she charges and b) is dishonest. you know what fuck it im just gonna ask her to see if thats what she wants.

tomorrow im gonna have test, which means i should stop writing and maybe go over some stuff, but who has the mental capacity for that amirite… im really getting sick of some stuff at college, too many teacher just expecting you to know not explained stuff, but everyone somehow already knows it, maybe theyre not lazy fucks and actually look up relevant stuff and you know learn outside the classroom which i dont really do.

ive been talking to some people online but i still feel really lonely, i dont know if i just want deeper connection or just physical touch, i dont know wtf i want anymore…

dad kind of demanded i go to a therapist but i refused… honestly i dont even know why i did it, maybe a bit of a mix between thinking they wont be useful and they'll share stuff with my parents which means i wont be able to completely open up, tbh i dont want to completely open up to them either, not gonna share that im desperate sub and that im touch starved and stuff, i guess i could keep it to myself and its not like id impact the effectiveness of therapy but who cares stubborn brain wont let me get help, all i need is touch and gf and im fixed, classic solution.

also the discord thing didnt really work out, havent talked there, cant do it. also kinda sucks that most people dont really talk back, its hard to be the one that always starts talking, and ive only kept contact with 2-3 people, some didnt even reply to my heys anymore so i guess i was just too boring as usual. damn just remembered theres someone that would always start and we havent talked in a bit should text him tomorrow. And i guess i should just go to sleep, not being eepy is proabbly gonna do more good than looking at some stuff in a hurry.

maybe J will text me on sunday again… that seems to be the day shes usually free… maybe ill get that video call… i also had to wait a fair bit to talk with D so… i just have to be patient… again… like ive been… for a month………. itll be worth it in the end………………………… i hope

#diary #digital diary #online diary

[goremet-chef]

i like the idea of jupe, cicero and monty finding some kinda home with eachother

cuz like. hi i have a family and i dont like them. for good reason too, its always some shit. house is violent house is angry house is hateful, theres never any TRUE love here. just obligation and thats not real, everyone knows it

i had given jupe a family at first but im taking it away because it makes me uncomfortable to think about a family that has more love than mine, which is a pretty low bar

but i can replace it with them

cicero has the same upbringing that i did cuz hes just a self insert except he was able to escape it and jupe has done pretty much the same thing, probably coming from a similar place too. monty was dejected by his family for being queer and then got divorced so yknow how it is. they all come from shitty places and i like the idea of them putting that behind themselves and finding peace with each other, as a team that has worked through all this crazy shit before. i just feel like theres a strong bond between them after everything said and done that fills a void that their families couldnt.

i wouldnt consider it like found family but they are a tight knit group cuz after goin thru all that shit on the island like. you cant talk to a therapist i imagine cuz thats some classified information that you have lived through so all they got is each other, who could sympathize better than someone who was actually there? it makes me happy

my biggest dream for years has been moving in with my friends and finally just getting to be myself, and nowadays that seems like itll just stay a dream but im hopeful that maybe someday ill get out and i can live like how i want. housing prices in cali are fucking ridiculous so its honestly no surprise we havent done it sooner, living together with family is just more convenient cost wise but. ill keep dreaming of it till it becomes real, and ill live it through them because i can

[highschool-rooftop]

oct. 27th, 2020

man its weird to think this blog is 2 years old isnt it? like when I started this i thought that i was anyday from just killing myself, i had no hope, no job, and was about to love my living situation but thanks to a few nice friends and accepting people, i was able to land a job at *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* and then after that place stressing me to the point of panic attacks and taking it out on the wait staff... then i ended things nice with that place despite how much i hated it and i apologized to the wait staff alot.. probably too much...

now ive worked at *big store chain* a year now and i hate it just as much as i hated *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* for a similar reason too!! i fucking despite the people that run the places i work because i know i could probably do their job 30× better, i just choose not to because thats also 30× more responsibility on my shoulders and ive already got broken legs from the shit i feel like im dealing with outside of work.

the more i focus for a minute the more i feel like my life is in shambles and that im barely functioning right anymore. ive been horribly depressed again as of the past couple months and my family i live with barely talk to me because im always in my room which is like totally fair, but if im not sleeping up there im using whatever energy is left from work to hang out with my friends because theyre actually engaged in the topics i talk about, they show interest and actually talk to me not at me. my aunt and uncle and i have few interests in common so its incredibly difficult for me to keep a conversation going for long with them. theyre always playing card games or board games but im not interested in them, theyre not really that fun for me. my uncle plays xbox but hes typically on COD which i dont enjoy because of how toxic those communities are, hes got minecraft but the last time he played he never told me he was getting on at all otherwise i would've joined! then theres me and my cousin who are currently on nearly completely different schedules and really only see each other when hes taking me to and from work which makes it hard to hang out and play games, and thats of hes even willing to play any of the games im comfortable with and not trying another Survival-Crafting-RPG-Game of the week or something like factorio which is hyper complicated and i dont have the time to dedicate to learning how to play correctly so i just end up being a resource collector and its kinda boring..

and all of thats just the at home situation. my friends at least hear from me more but since alot of them have moved out of town for college at this point i haven't hung out with a friend outside of work irl in like 5, maybe 6 months... and i dont interact with many people at work. im really really lonely.

small bit of good news i feel i should add here in case i dont come back again for a few months is that ive scheduled an appointment to see someone abt getting hrt, itll be Jan 19th! ill also be seeing a few of my online friends in December too!! i hope i can stay alive at least until then. sometimes i feel like im in the same situation i was in when i started this blog but those two things are the two things giving me the hope to keep pushing on i guess.

oh and my old friends birthday will be this weekend, i probably shouldve just forgotten them by now like they probably have me but in the off chance that they ever find this stupid blog: happy birthday BXXXXX, hope you have been in good health and that you are happy ! please be well and enjoy Freddy VS Jason and the Scary Godmother, and the live action Scooby Doo movies again this year !

with that i think thats all ive had to say. im neglecting mentioning new speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, and all the terrible horrible things i want to say abt him and how im worried it will fuck with my healthcare before i even recieve it due to the fact that im typing this up outside, its cold out, my phones almost dead, im tired, and i still have a bit of this bowl of the married iguanas to finish up with before unwinding and going to bed to repeat this living nightmare of a life all over again tomorrow. maybe ill watch adventure time before bed ..?

[wherestarsfallaway]

I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

#selftalk

[jojonokimyounaboukeneyesofheaven]

idk if ill msg u on ur bday anymore im super conflicted abt it and U in general and i dont think i like should try and get back into ur life but i also like idk i wanna check in plus like i dont want u to think im gonna forget jt or somethin so idk idk idk idk what im gonna do idk if i want to know u anymore but idk if i like can live anymore without u so idk what im even doing ahahahah

idk everything abt everything sucks i hate u but i miss u and when i think abt u i can feel my chest rotting out but i also like just continuously yearn for having u back and i like every other day am so completely suicidal that i feel like i meed to msg u just to get some sort of stability thru u back but idk if thats what i Need but i also know i am like a complete mess i have nothing but u were never going to be able to be anything to me anyways and so like

idk anything… i feel u are a lost cause but i dont want to think that but i think i Should think that but then i know i have like nothing .. so….. i think my life wouldve been better if i did kms like 4 years ago or if all my psychosis incidents actually did make me schizophrenic already cause atleast then maybe i could like find sollace in knowing i am completey fucked and will never have a life and itll be okay because i was crazy but rn i like am too vlose to being like not mentally fucked but also so incredibly burdened by my own mind that i am like

Always on the cusp of it and so i like i feel like a boat just too big and light to ever get sucked into a whirlpool but just stuck spinning and the only way oht would be to try and swim but thats like a 99% chance of me dying and i like as much as id love to escape life and knowing i will never be able to retain any real human contact or relationships and never be able to really wver feel happy and content because of how i always fuck up every thing i have with anyone i would rather atleast like feel like maybe oneday ill have something but it feels impossible for me to ever like

be anything, either for myself or for someone else. i am too depressed and completely checked out in life to make any of my own dreams a reality and everytime im with someone and want to help make their dreams something i find a way to like fumble hard and end up alone

only reason i havent commited soduko yet is social anxiety of finding a bridge and idk what my suicide note would be to ppl, idk if id even wanna leave my family anything because i am sort of checked out of them emotionally but u and blake like atleast Knew me but idk what id say to either of u, thanks for atleast talking to me ahahahah but also fuck u both for not being perfect which is like INSANE mentality but like i also am completely unperfect and cant even like say anything so idk idk idk, idek what id say to blake he was atleast always a good person i just fucked up a lot and wouldnt settle down but for U misha like, idk.

i hate u but love u.. and ik if i told u i was gonna kms itd fuck u up or atleast id Hope ud be able to feel somethin abt it, hope u stleast stalk my accts or something and arent just like completey detatched feom the past 2 years already, i hope u miss me too.. i hope u feel something too, i hope u arent moved on i just want to know u loved me its been ao long since i felt any affection from u even before we ended everything

why couldnt u just talk abt ur peoblems anymore u said it was a bad thing that u didnt feel like u clukd talk to me but like that was 100% all u all u had to ever do was Try to talk abt it but u just clammed up like u alway do and never opened vack up and ig just locked urself away by ur own anxiety and ur problems just compiled and u never like tries to resolve shit and ik i wasnt oerfect at all like helping u and Us get thru stuff sometimes but thats cause all ur problems were always like.

i want the freedom of being able to be with other ppl ahahahaha and like then u harked on me like i was gonna be the one to cheat and shit when like ALL ur problems was ALWAYS like U wanting to.. and its so fucking stupid like bro why do u think i was so angry abt our breakup and ur reasons cause like all u ever wanted to do was be away from me and then u were like Wow.. i cant believe u talked to blake.. bro thats cause u like made it impossible to talk abt anything with u, u stopped being a person to me u stopped like even trying anymore and then tried to make it up as me having failed and thats why we ended when u just couldnt care enough to get over urself and ur stupid shit to just open up to me anymore and just like wanting to try and thats what i hate abt u u always made me feel like i was mever good enough to even talk to u and then ud just do the worst shit and always cause ruckus in our relationship and then u stopped even wanting to try n resolve shit because it was always U at the center of the problems because U couldnt fucking control urself u always did so much shot without thinking and IIII always felt like the impulsive one even tho u would just like ausefhhgsghh why fi i love u why fo i miss u why cant i just be done with this shit and accept that there was no way wed ever work in a million years why cant i stop being tortured why cant i just be dead

[andragoras-in-vanity]

god i need someone to love me, and that i can love back

#im going crazy #and im afraid to be loved #the idea of saying something wrong or falling for someone and then finding out we want different futures is awful #especially because i believe that who i am meant to love is my soulmate the other half of me and the only one ive loved in all my lifetimes #and i could never bear to lose the only person i trust myself to love completely and properly and never suffer falling out of it #but all of the things that scare me are things i have to remind myself that if they love me they will love ME and not some potential future #with me #its an awful feeling and i dontnwant to be afraid of being in love #all i want is to be in love and feel whole like i felt before because when its the proper person itll feel even better #let alone mutual love 🙄 #i was never so clear headed or myself as i was then and my true person can only feel even better #i just need him to tell me he loves ME and not a potential future with me #right off the bat so ill never be afraid that i cant give them children or i dont want to raise a baby and will never ever live in a city #all i need in life is them and some dogs and a nice enough kitchen and some understanding and kindness #i just need him to want me and not what i can give him #fuck i feel like im falling to pieces and all ive ever dreamed or tried to 'manifest' is a home and a sweetheart #my entire life thats all ive ever asked for and hoped for and looked forward too #ive never cared about a successful career or money as long as i feel alive and those i care for are close to me #i need help and i need a bit of extra understanding soemtimes but i trust hed give me that #i may not be able to do all that much or move slowly but he wouldn't blame me he'd understand that it hurts me #it wouldnt annoy him and he wouldn't ignore me #im not asking for any extra work other than maybe letting me lean on him or picking ip takeout soemtimes #i wont make him cook or clean every single day as long as he knows i have to be careful and it can go a bit longer than i intend too #i didnt mean to tangent in the tags but no one hears me and nothing changes #no matter how much i try

[letstalkaboutshtufff]

A Bad Feeling Pt 1

Levi x Reader

Part 1

Paring: Levi Ackerman x Cadet reader

Warnings: 18+ attempted rape/assault, cursing, mention of injury, violence

Summary: Reader feels uncomfortable around a overly friendly captain. Are they just over reacting? Or is there something else going on. What will Levi do when he finds out?

***************************************************

A.n. ok so I literally wrote this in one go, it's probably trash but I wanted to post it anyway. Please lemme know what you think in the comments! Thank you!

"Y/n! captain Oro is asking for you" you did your best to hide the discomfort Armins words made you feel.

You smiled what you hoped was a convincing one and nodded. With a deep breath you made your way to Captains Oro's office.

Ever since you had been introduced to him those few weeks ago, he had taken a special liking to you. At first you had been excited, having such a highly skilled and well known captain take notice of you was one of the best feelings. Especially since your squad leader, Levi wasn't exactly heavy on praise.

Everyone loved Captain Oro, he was known for his strength and stamina on the battle field. He was both charismatic, and charming. Your fellow cadets practically swooned over him. You couldn't help but also get caught up in his perfection. At first that is..

Over time you noticed things about your meetings that put you on edge. An unnecessary shoulder touch here, a too low pat on the back there. Something was off. And although you had done your best to distance yourself from him, it was hard when your squads often had to work together.

But it was hard to say anything against him because even your cold blooded captain seemed to enjoy his presence.

Once you brought it up to your friend Sasha, about how you felt he was being too friendly. But she waved her hand and basically said you were worrying for nothing, he was just a friendly guy. And you were being dramatic.

Maybe you were overreacting? If captain levi approved of him, surely that meant he was a decent person right? Maybe he was just being really really friendly.

You decided to give him a chance and knocked on his door when you finally arrived.

"Come in" a muffled voice came from the other side.

With a click you entered the candlelit room. It was nearing sundown after all.

"Ah cadet y/n! Perfect, I was wondering if I might ask your opinion on something?" He smiled angelically and gestured towards a parchment on his desk.

"Of course sir" you nodded and approached him, reminding yourself of what sasha said. Just relax.

From the way the parchment was positioned you had no choice but to come to his side of the desk.

"Do you see this area here?" He gestured to what you now saw was a map. "What do you think of leading a squad through here instead of what we originally planned?"

The next 30 minutes you spent completely and professionally discussing strategies. Being the member of your squad that was best at this, made him asking for you completely justified. You felt bad for ever doubting his intentions.

"Thank you y/n, I think I have a better idea of what course we should pursue on our next expedition" he smiled sincerely.

"I'm glad I could be of service" you nodded and allowed a relaxed smile to pass your features. Feeling stupid you had judged him so harshly.

" If you wouldnt mind just one more thing?" You nodded as he pulled out a stack of papers.

"If you could look over this report of the last mission before I send it out? See if theres anything else to add?"

"Sure, I'd be happy to Captain" you grabbed the stack.

"And please if you can, return them to me tonight, I'll need them for the meeting bright and early"

"Yes sir, I'll finish it asap, good evening" and with that you exused yourself.

Tonight? It was already sundown. Well whatever, hes so busy he probably doesn't know what time of day it is.

You found a quiet spot amonsgt the crowds in the common room and got to work.

************************************

"Oi brat, it's passed curfew, go to your room now, we have important work tommorow" the unmistakable voice of your captain rang through the now empty hall.

You looked up in surprise and meet his usual scowl, not even realizing how late it had gotten.

"Hai, s-sorry captain, I'll go now" you gathered the report and quickly left, not wanting to receive another scolding for taking too long.

Oh crap you still had to deliever the report. Changing routes you snuck quietly down the familiar hallways. Not particularly feeling like running into Levi again. Something about him always made you act just a little dumber and it was definitely not because of your non existent crush on him...definitely not.. he was just intimidating is all.

*knock knock*

You waited patiently but there was no answer. Crap did he already go to bed? But he knew I was coming? Ugh what should I do? He needs these reports..

With a sigh you change direction again and head for his personal chambers. There was no way you were getting in trouble for not delivering these reports on time.

You smiled when you saw dim light flood from beneath the door.

Lightly you knocked, "Captain Oro, its y/n, sorry it's so late but I have the rep-" you were cut off abruptly when the door swung open and there stood Oro.

Except he looked nothing like the Oro you were used too seeing. His hair was loose from it's normal slicked back do, and the edges were dripping slightly. His shirt was loosely thrown on revealing a decent amount of skin. He must've just bathed.. you could see why the girls were so obsessed with him. He was, platonically speaking, a very gorgeous man.

You were taken aback but reminded yourself that you did knock after hours so of course he wasnt going to be all soldiered up.

"U-um s-sorry Captain, I have the reports" you averted your eyes and shoved the reports in his direction.

"Ah y/n, thank you, would you please put them on my table? My hands are still slightly wet." He laughed holding them up innocently.

"S-sure" god why were you stuttering so much, you fight goddamn titans for a living?! But somehow you were more nervous now than when a 10meter was clawing at you.

You entered the room and tried to avoid looking around too much.

You always wondered what the inside of the higher ups rooms look-

*click*

You whipped around, alarm bells suddenly back in full force.

"Captain what are you-"

"You're such a good girl, you know that y/n?" Oros whole demeanor changed and you cursed yourself for not trusting your earlier instincts.

"U-um" you really did not know what to say or do as he took a couple steps closer.

"Always so obedient for me, I think you deserve a reward don't you?"

Shit

"That's not...that's not necessary captain, I really should be going" you tried to lunge for the door but he was quicker and much much stronger.

"I don't believe I dismissed you cadet..." he purred pinning your arms to the door in the blink of an eye.

You were by no means weak, but your struggles were useless against him.

"Let me go" it took all your strength not to stutter in fear.

"How adorable, you know I love it when you follow my orders so well, but I think..." you shivered in disgust as you felt his lips near your neck and press down.

"I'd like to see you fight me as well" you whimpered as he sucked and bit down on the soft flesh.

"S-stop it, p-please" he smirked and looked into your fearful eyes with his lustful ones. "Stop? But that's not what you really want is it? You see I know exactly how girls like you are" he chuckled darkly and moved one of his hands to grip both your arms, while the other slid lower. You gasped when he cupped your breast. "S-stop! I'll, ill scream If you don't!" You felt a tear slide down your shaking form.

"Scream?" He snickered like you had told the funniest joke.

"Go ahead and scream doll, itll be very interesting to see what happens"

"W-what?" You were utterly confused.

"Think about it, if someone walks in on us, what would they think? Seeing a cadet after hours in her superiors chambers?"

"B-but I! I was bringing the reports i wasn't-!"

"Do you honestly think theyll care what you have to say? Who do you think theyll believe y/n? You a nobody cadet who's been fighting titans for 3 seconds? Or me, a selfless hero whos saved countless of scouts lives? All I have to tell them is that you came into my room and tried to seduce me. When I tried to restrain you, you screamed. Who do you think theyll listen too? Why else would you be here so late at night?"

"Y-You're..you're insane, you're not a hero, y-you're a coward who-" he grasped your jaw harshly causing you to wince.

"I'd watch that mouth of yours y/n" he squeezed harder. I am your superior after all, and we wouldnt want any nasty rumors going around that would have you suspended from the survey corps now would we?" He bent down and to your horror pressed his lips against yours.

Fuck fuck what do I do?!? Hes blackmailing me now. I cant fight him, hes too strong, think think think.

But your mind was blank when his cold lips pressed against your lips again. "Open your mouth" he ordered in a voice laced with animilistac lust.

You abruptly turned your head away desperate to get away.

"Heh, always such a tease" he traced a finger up and down your cheek, flipping over your lips. "I'll enjoy this-"

"CAPTAIN ORO, COMMANDER ERWIN REQUESTS YOUR PRESENCE IN HIS OFFICE IMMEDIATELY" a voice shouts from the other side of the locked door.

With an annoyed sigh, Oro pulls away slightly, "Did he say why?" He lazily looks over in the direction of the door.

"NO SIR!"

"guess it can't be helped... Alright tell him I'll be there shortly" he yelled out.

"Hai" the footsteps recended and you stood deathly still.

He pulled away from you and you immediately pulled your wrists to you, they were an angry red, and it scared you how much strength he had so effortlessly displayed.

"Sorry doll, it looks like we'll have to continue this another night" he stepped away and began dressing normally as if he hadn't just been assaulting you 5 second ago. You quickly make for the door but his voice falters your step, "Oh and y/n?"

You dont look at him, but fear held you in place until he finished, "If you mention our little moment to anyone, you know what will happen" you nodded quickly, anything to appease him and get out.

When the door shut behind you, you felt the flood of tears break through.

D-did, d-did that really happen?!?

You held a hand to quiet your sobs and quickly dashed through the hallways.

You're heart thumped and you felt the need to vomit. You hadn't felt this way since the first time youd encounted a titan. All you wanted to do was get to the safety of your room, just through the hall.

It felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on you when a cold voice shouted out and halted your movements. Please not now, oh god any time but now.

"Oi cadet y/n are you deaf as well as dumb? I asked you a question.

"Why are you out past curfew?" he sounded definitely annoyed and you gathered all your strength to hold the sobs out of your voice.

Without turning around you answered, "I-I had to deliver some r-reports..I'll head to my room now.." you stepped forward hoping he would let you go but you were not so lucky.

"Oi brat, did you hit your head? I didn't dismiss you yet. Not to mention you haven't even addressed me properly, maybe some time cleaning up horse shit will remind you how to respect your superiors" fuck he was definitely angry now.

Still you didn't turn around, you couldn't..."S-sorry Captain Levi, I'll do better in the future.." you barely could even focus on the words coming out of your mouth, your heart was beating a mile a minute. Please just leave me alone!

"Hahh" Levi uttered in disbelief and severe annoyance, even the most novice of cadets turn around when being spoken to by a superior. "Are you trying to piss me off brat?!?"

"No sir..." still you didnt turn around, but gulped in fear when you heard sharp footsteps near you.

"Cadet y/n, you have three seconds to turn around and salute me properly before I throw you into the cells for insubordination" he ordered in his dangerously calm voice, that you never thought would be directed at you.

Having no other choice you slowly turn around, hoping to god the darkness of the room would be enough to hide your current state.

You kept your head down, letting your hair fall over your face, but gave a proper salute. Hiding the Wince that came when the tender flesh of your wrist had to bend.

Your eyes were trained on the floor. And you tried to remember how to breathe normally again.

"At least you remember how to-" abruptly his harsh scolding stopped.

Why did he stop?! Fuck did he notice something. No no calm down, he probably just is coming up with another punishment...right?

Wrong...

Levi was far from being done with dicisplining you but he caught sight of your bruised wrist and furrowed his brows immediately. He knew for a fact the last time you spoke in the hall those had not been there. He was quick to take in the rest of your demeanor and knew immediately that the reason you were acting disrespectful was because something was wrong.

"Cadet y/n.." he said suspiciously slow and not full of anger anymore.

"Y-yes?" Please dont ask me, please dont ask me, please dont-

"Look at me"

*******************************

Part 2 here

Okay so that's part 1! Please comment and lemme know what you think🥰also I'm super sensitive so please no hateful comments. Thanks for reading!

#levi x y/n #levi x you #levi x reader #levi x oc #levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman imagine #levi ackerman x cadet #levi ackerman x cadet reader #snk #attack on titan #attack on titan fanfic #levi ackerman fanfiction #self insert #part 1 #injured #rape #hurt #comfort #captain

[interstellarflowers]

Professor Parker Ch. 1| Professor, Peter Parker x Student, Reader

a/n this fic doesn’t follow the marvel cinematic universe but assume that peter has been what he’s been through with the exception that tony lived, and bruce is still bruce, sorry but i just can't deal with endgame hulk/bruce rn emotionally or mentally. im sorry nat is still dead but dw i'll actually treat it with respect unlike endgame like goddamn where was her funeral, am i right? the stages of grief thing they did was interesting though. im sorry i digress, this is set in nyc (because heyo im a new yorka) and the avengers/stark tower is still a thing, peter is fucking traumatized and has turned kind of cold as a result. this fic may contain a smut chapter in the future? not sure yet, where this fic goes depends on the feedback, thanks for reading also sorry im not the proudest of this first chapter so ill probably edit it but promise itll only improve from here just not in the best mental state rn

University life wasn’t exactly everything that you imagined it to be. There was hardly time to do anything that people claimed was good about coming to university. The parties, the epic heartbreaks, and romances, they were just nowhere to be seen. In fact, there was nothing particularly extravagant about your experience thus far. You went to class, studied, and went to your internship. Your internship was probably the most exciting thing about your life at the moment, you were lucky to be accepted into the Stark Industries student internship, the company paid college tuition and only required around twenty hours of lab work a week, you couldn’t complain. Of course, the exciting part of the whole ordeal was the name attached to it, “Stark,” not that you had ever met him, but it was nice to have a unique feature like that in such an impressive student body.

So here you were on the first day of your third year of university. You lived off-campus, about a five-minute walk from the Stark Tower, but a twenty-minute subway ride to your campus. However, having an 882 square foot space to yourself was really nothing you could truly complain about despite the distance. The studio apartment being yet another benefit reaped from Stark Industries. Thank you Tony Stark, the unseen benevolent God in your life.

Typically you would start your mornings off quietly and in no rush, a shower, a cup of coffee, maybe some studying before heading off to your campus, but your phone had other plans for you today. Instead of your alarm going off like it was supposed to, you were woken up by the sound of a particularly loud car horn, and oh how grateful you were for that. As soon as you were jolted awake you shifted to grab your phone and turned it over to see an alarming 8:40am glaring back at you.

Holy shit. You were late.

You scrambled out of bed nearly face planting several times in your hurry to get dressed and only barely ran out the door with everything you needed at 8:47am.

By the time you managed to get to the subway and clamor onto the right train it was already 8:55am. Out of breath and panicking, you considered your options. You could explain after class, you could shoot an email, there were a plethora of things you could do but none of them seemed to justify being late as a third-year to a level 500 class. You had googled all of your professors while registering for classes as was common practice. You couldn’t find a RateMyProfessor on Professor...Parker? You were pretty sure it was Professor Parker, but you do remember seeing on the STEM department page that he was currently a Ph.D. student, so you could only hope that as a fellow student he would be at least a little understanding towards your lateness.

You stood outside of the lecture hall huffing and trying to catch your breath at 9:32am, psyching yourself up, you pushed open the door to the class and attempted to go unnoticed. The class was in a lecture hall despite being only composed of around thirty students, so if you were lucky maybe nobody would even see-

“Ms.(y/l/n), I presume?.” Shit.

“Professor Parker?” Shit.

“You are aware that class starts at 9am, and not 9:30am, would this be correct Ms.(y/l/n)?”

“Yes, Professor, it’s just that I had an emergency.” The lying route. Not exactly the highlight of your academic career.

“I regret to inform you that I only take valid excuses Ms.(y/l/n), please take a seat, and next time, don’t bother disrupting class halfway through the lesson.” Fuck. You mustered a quiet “ok,” and a small nod before escorting yourself to the back of the room, thirty-something eyes following you until you sat down.

You couldn’t focus for the rest of the class, it was just too embarrassing, time moved forward but you couldn’t help but be stuck on what had just happened. For the first ten minutes after sitting down you felt like dropping out of the whole class out of sheer fucking humiliation. This was of course before you reminded yourself that this class was a requirement to graduate in your field of study. You quietly bargained with yourself before sighing quietly and settling on the conclusion that Professor Parker was just a dick. A dick who certainly didn’t deserve the satisfaction of you switching out of his class. If he wanted to be like that, you decided, you would simply return the favor.

“I know, Ms.(y/ln), why don’t you tell us DeBroglie’s equation?”

“With pleasure, Professor Parker.” Yeah, you’d return the favor alright.

“Ms.(y/l/n), you stay.” Fuck that. You looked the other way and feigned ignorance as you kept making your way towards the door. About to leave, the door shut on your face.

“What the fuck!” You jumped before turning around and you felt your face heat up.

“Ms.(y/l/n), please refrain from using profanities in my classroom.”

“I’m sorry Professor Parker. I was just startled.”

“Mhm,” he took his glasses off and laid them on his desk, “Just don’t do it in the future Ms.(y/l/n).”

“Of course. My name is (y/n), by the way, Professor Parker, you can just call me that, actually, I prefer that people refer to me by (y/n).”

“Rest assured, I’m aware of your name, Ms.(y/l/n). My name is Peter, but you can continue to call me Professor Parker.” You could have sworn that you saw a ghost of a smirk on his lips. He knew what he was fucking doing, asshole. You held back from rolling your eyes into the back of your head.

“Of course, Professor Parker.”

“As you know, Ms.(y/l/n), I did request that you stay after class.”

“Oh? I sincerely apologize Professor Parker, I really didn’t hear you.”

“I’m sure, Ms.(y/l/n).” Fucking. Dick.

“Well, what exactly did you want Professor Parker? I do have another class soon.” Professor Parker narrowed his eyes at you in obvious distaste before reaching behind himself into a bin underneath his desk and pulling out a stack of papers,

“These are the handouts you missed from the beginning of the class. Textbook requirements, syllabus...Crucial information to have if you care to succeed in my class Ms.(y/l/n).” So coldly, so maliciously, Professor Parker placed the stack into your arms.

“I take my work very seriously, Ms.(y/l/n), I do my part as your professor so I only have the simple request that my students do the same.” You nodded feeling your face heat up again.

“Of course, Professor Parker, it won’t happen again,” you said with a tightlipped smile.

“Mhm,” Professor Parker turned around and began shuffling around some paper and without giving you a second glance said, “You are dismissed.” You nodded and hurriedly made your way out of his classroom. Of course, you had lied. You didn’t have another class until late in the afternoon. So you called your coworker instead,

“Hey, Harvey.”

“(y/n).”

“Wow, okay, don’t get too excited.”

“Sorry, just woke up.”

“Tsk, the early bird gets the worm, Harvey.”

“I don’t want a worm.”

“Fuck you. I’m headed to the lab, can I expect you?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You had been working with Harvey for around four years now, he was quite the impressive specimen, having attended MIT and graduating Summa Cum Laude at age 20 was no easy feat, he was closer to Tony Stark than you would ever get, he was quite personable, and you couldn’t deny that he was quite good looking. You’d never tell him that though, he didn’t need another ego boost. Besides, you had some connections of your own.

“Hey, (y/n).”

“Banner!”

“Can we expect Harvey today?”

“Honestly, not sure.” You both knowingly smiled at each other before you made your way over to what he was working on,

“Do you ever get bored here?”

“With you and the other idiot always running around? How could I?” You laughed,

“No, seriously, like wouldn’t you rather be doing nerd shit with Tony or something? Isn’t it a little tiresome babysitting us?”

“Tiring? Maybe sometimes, but not nearly as tiring as doing ‘nerd shit’ with Tony. He’s exhausting,” Bruce smiled at his own joke, “I don’t mind playing babysitter at all kid.” He fiddled with the handle of a mug that read, “Don’t be so Na Cl,” which you had gotten him a year back as a joke, but he still used it.

You really loved Bruce for all he was. Since losing your family back in 2012 during the battle in NYC, you didn’t really have any familial figures. But since landing this internship you found yourself with a parental figure again, and you would never be able to put into words how much it meant to you, so you didn’t. Besides, you didn’t want him to feel pressured about it, especially after everything he had been through himself. Frying half your body and losing the love of your life in such a short span of time was really nothing less than horrifying. Yet, here he was, smiling, laughing...You loved him for it.

“First day of junior year? How was that?”

“Shit.”

“Huh?” Bruce stopped tinkering with the device in his hands and looked over at you, “I’ve never heard of a course being too hard for (y/n) (y/l/n), what is it? Aerospace? Quantum?”

“No, just one giant dick.”

“Pardon-”

“My professor, he’s a fucking asshole.”

“Ah, I see. If he’s really harassing you (y/n), I don’t mean to overstep, I really think we should alert administration, what’s his name?” Bruce took a sip of his coffee.

“Professor Parker,” Bruce choked on his coffee, “Oh my God, Bruce, are you okay?”

“Yeah-” he said, still coughing, “Just a little too strong.”

“Okay, are you sure?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bruce caught his breath, “What did he do kid?”

“He’s just a dick that’s all.”

“You sure you don’t want me to do something about it?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, I don’t know what you could do anyways. Thank you though.”

“Actually, you’d be surprised.”

Sitting at your desk stressing over school work at 3am, it was nothing out of the ordinary for you. Everything appeared ordinary. The ordinary cup of tea, the familiar glow of your computer, and a morning chill creeping through your window. It was all so breathtakingly normal until there was a rap on your window. You took an earbud out of your ear, certain you were just hearing things, you looked to your window. Holy shit.

You opened your window wide so that he could crawl in.

“(y/n)?”

“Mr.Spiderman.” Still too in shock to fully process the situation you started to take in the scene in front of you,

“Please, it’s just Spiderman.”

“Oh-Oh my God, what happened?” Head to toe the suit seemed to have blood seeping through, tears in the body of the suit revealed gashes and a bullet wound.

“Bad guys. I know this guy-said he knew a medical student close by, you are (y/n)? Right?”

“Y-Yeah, but I’m really just a student, I’m not really a prof-”

“This guy, he said you might as well be.”

“I don’t know Mr.Spiderman, really, maybe I could take you to the hospital though.”

“-Spiderman, it’s just Spiderman, listen, (y/n), you know I can’t go to a hospital, it would ruin this whole secret identity thing I got going on here, and this guy, he’s probably the smartest guy I know, so if he says you can handle it, you can.” You swallowed and nodded,

“Yeah-” you wring your hands together, “Yeah-Sorry, let me go get my first aid kit.”

#tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker x reader #tom holland #spiderman #spiderman x reader #marvel #marvel x reader #bruce banner #tony stark #iron man #idk #sorry #ill prolly rewrite this seven times