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#all my grades are mid 80s
wereboybreakdowns · 21 days
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so many things my mother doesnt even remember saying that have just stuck with me forever
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windstrider2017 · 4 months
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Inspired by prev post and its joke, screw No Nut November and shit like that. It's time for Hedonism November
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silverislander · 5 months
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my old english class sucks so bad that its fucking demoralizing. so i go to every class and sit there bored out of my mind, i dont learn shit from the prof bc hes awful at explaining anything, i dont understand enough to do his stupid fucking homework, im completely unmotivated to do the readings or homework so i NEVER get the chance to learn. i cant win w this guy
#we have a translation due for thursday#nevermind that we Just learned verbs and none of us understand them at all#nevermind that we literally know less than 10 words total and its almost 200 words long or that we werent given dictionaries#nevermind that we dont know sentence structure and can barely understand basic conventions of speech#ive never been so disappointed and lost in a language course and i almost failed italian in my second year. via ZOOM. mid pandemic#levi.txt#the weirdest part is that my grade for this course. is good. im in the 80s i think im out of the danger zone entirely by this point#but thats bc 1. i studied REALLY hard at the start 2. all the big assessments are take home 3. one of them is literally just an essay#and im great at essays#so like. no matter how hard we struggle or how much this guy sucks at teaching i dont think theres going to be any recognition or change#dont get me wrong im not mad that im not failing. but i wish the dept could tell how little were getting out of this class you know??#and the other thing is. he keeps forgetting and changing the actual required things#like not bringing us our graded quizzes to review before tests or cancelling classes last minute#but if you ask him for EXTRA help hes actually so helpful and nice abt it#i asked for a way to practice oe pronouns and he gave me like. 5 different resources#but hes missed 6 classes and literally lost his grading sheet + lost all of our grades for quiz 3 as a result#its completely bizarre
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hornyhermitry · 8 months
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These are not the Zenins you’re looking for - Naobito & Naoya ramblings and then some
Since there’s no real alternative for longer rants with a personal flavour, let’s give this a shot here on tumblr I guess? Heh.
Preface
General Naobito facts:
71 years → born in 1946, died 2018
Curse Technique: Projection Sorcery
Special Grade 1 Sorcerer
One younger brother - Ogi Zenin
Probably one older brother - unnamed, father of Toji Zenin
(I assume Ogi is younger because they are clearly not twins from the way they look, Ogi looks younger and Ogi’s children Maki & Mai are ca. 10 years younger than Naobito’s son Naoya).
Three sons - youngest son Naoya (27 years in 2018 - born when Naobito was 44)
Fastest Jujucist (except for Gojo Satoru)
Both Naobito & Naoya are names that translate to honesty & straightforwardness. Naobito’s further includes a meaning of “helpful/support”
Hobby: Anime
Favorite food: Sake
Least favorite food: Fishcake
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Observations & conclusions from his manga scenes:
Confident, determined, affirmative, tactical (ref. Dagon fight + Jogo appearance right before the burn, doesn’t mind losing an arm, thinks ahead of Toji going for Dagon and jumps in to distract in support)
Cocky & playful, enjoys fighting (often grinning, excited to see Dagon evolve, taunts Nanami “Two 1st grades cannot exorcise (Dagon)?”)
Petty (annoyed by everyone fixated on 4K 60FPS and stupid numbers, retorts to Maki wanting to take Clan Lead)
He was drinking and did not care about Maki leaving the clan. There was no mockery and no attempt to stop her. Only when she said she’d become the next clan head, he asked if he should make her life harder.
He showed up to Shibuya to help out the rest (Maki mocks his drinking habits, with cans next to him he shouts over to her to bring him drinks, but later he nonchalantly breathes into Nanami’s face and we see he actually has not been drinking) and is excited to hear Gojo has been sealed, wants to celebrate.
Maki antagonizes him uncalled for, a bait he does not take but tells her matter of factly she should be the one to go home, to which Nanami agrees.
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Assumption based on minor clues
Clan head since the 80s or 90s — depending on circumstances.
→ 2018-1185 (Zenin at the very least date back to Heian times) = 833 years with 26 Zenin clan heads= average leadership of 32 years = his latest “starting date” would have been 1999.
IMO it is very likely he took over earlier than that, because as far as averages go, it usually is way longer spans that are interspersed with very short ones.
(see: “medieval life expectancy was just 31” which did not have most people die at 31 but caused by a high infant mortality seeking the average - you either died as a kid or lived into your 60s).
I think he took over in the mid to late 80s because that sets up the unfortunate situation his family line had to deal with.
On a factual level it’s also not unlikely, because the first half of the 20th century was a chaotic time all around the globe, full of societal shifts and political conflicts that may have potentially led to Naobito’s father/Naoya’s grandfather dying “early”.
Anyway. I present to you:
THE LIFE & TIMES OF NAOBITO ZENIN aka HOLY HEADCANON
The historical context is what makes Naobito so interesting to me and further supports my personal controversial headcanon that:
Naobito & Naoya Zenin are NOT the major players in the, let’s call it “traditional Zenin camp” that exiled Toji and used all kinds of shady internal clan politics to keep power systems up.
Let me take you on a very exhaustive detour on what Naobito being 71 years old in 2018 translates to.
He was born at the brink of World War II and in the wake of the atomic bomb.
During his lifespan, Japan went from a humbled country on its knees to a major player in the global economy, driving technological advancements. During his youth, Japan’s patriotism loosened and a lot of American culture was adapted - the yankii subculture rose to prominence.
JJK readers were told that the Heian era was the peak of jujucists. IRL historically, it was a time famous for many violent conflicts and natural disasters.
Since JJK establishes negative emotions breed curses and cursed energy, this means Naobito‘s young years must have been infested with stronger curses than ever, spawned from the aftermath, suffering, resentment and personal tragedies of WWII, Hiroshima & Nagasaki.
Born in 1946 within months of arguably the worst moment of Japanese history, emerging with a new technique utilising modern animation processes, his potential power upon birth likely matched the new level of curse threats, enabling him to eventually become the fastest Jujucist alive with the use of his modern technique. Growing up in a strongly American-influenced Japan in a rapidly changing world, he was a completely different person than his father (who had seen multiple wars but no massive technological and social progress yet) likely was.
Being the middle child, his father was likely 25-45 years older than him (men back then often fathered their first child between 19 & 23, so I assume he fathered his middle child at 25+), therefore born between 1921 and 1900. This makes him very likely a very hardline conservative patriot who took great pride in the battles he fought in - either during WWI or WWII or even both. A man raised in the spirit of a proud nationalist Japan at the peak of its expansionist mindset across Asia, high in spirits from the successful war against Russia and winning military campaigns in China, Singapore and more East Asian territories. Japan during Naobito’s father’s youth wore uniforms and kimonos.
Whereas Naobito’s social upbringing (outside of his father’s direct influence) was shaped by a more globalist approach and culture, appeasing to the West and showing e.g. through the Olympics of 1964 what a modern country they had become. So when Naobito was 18, Tokyo modernised its post-war infrastructure and built both the Metro as well as the Shinkansen connecting Tokyo and Osaka which kicked off the economic growth in a global spotlight and highlighted how well Japan had rebuilt itself after the defeat 20 years ago. Japan during Naobito’s youth wore slacks, jeans and white shirts. He is old in 2018, but he is a "modern man" in comparison to what came before and he is accustomed to change and progress.
Due to this clash of ideals and lived realities in the world around them, I think Naobito and his father had a very rocky relationship once Naobito entered puberty (and listened to jazz, blues, rock and dressed in blue jeans and leather jackets) and that they had some fundamentally different views on things.
The realities of external life could not have been more different between Naobito’s father and Naobito. Whether it was the world around them or the eventual standing of their clan, Naobito was dealt a very different hand of cards than a very very long line of Zenins in previous generations had been dealt for many centuries.
Due to going up against a man with so much pride and confidence when emancipating himself as his own person, I believe Naobito grew a strong backbone and was a very genuine, upright person - within the limits of his time and upbringing. Much more progressive and less patriotic than his father in any case, which surely was a source of conflict. Yet, I suspect that succeeding in spite of his father’s disapproval is what fueled him to become a more capable and autonomous person than his brothers are and to show that an allegedly inferior curse technique will not hold him back. But Naobito and his father did not only clash about this. In the later Hakari introduction chapter, JJK establishes there are several political factions and some are in favor of traditional millenia old curse techniques like Megumi's 10 Shadows or Gojo's Six Eyes and shun new curse techniques like Projection Sorcery and Idle Gambling that only emerged with new technology. Since sorcerer grades are based on Jujutsu strength and such, people with a modern curse technique are clowned on and not properly being recognized - which applies to both Naobito and Naoya.
The realities of life for Naobito and Naoya are very similar and Naoya’s life is dealing with similar challenges as his father’s. Unlike his father, Naobito was confronted with the reality of established values, routines and social hierarchies becoming horribly moot and due to his own curse technique not being a prestigious one, he was forced to reevaluate the legitimacy of what his father had taught him and what old clans perpetuated. Both in light of the changing world and also his own value as a person and a jujucist. Naoya was confronted with a similar road to growth and reevaluating the classic Jujutsu society & clan values, also having received the same modern technique as his father and witnessing the new kind of strength Toji wielded.
While I do say that Naobito is a different man than his father, I am a firm believer that “the apple does not fall far from the tree” and very much see the likeness between Naobito and Naoya. I feel I should clarify this applies more to personality traits than opinions and I think all three of them are more straightforward and more blunt than the other family lines.
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The people readers are told to be suffering by the Zenin family’s actions and opinions are Maki and Toji.
Both of which are not Naobito’s children. They are children of Naobito’s older and younger brothers.
Naobito’s unknown older brother exiles Toji due to him being resented and seen useless by the majority of the clan for not having techniques or energy, Naobito’s younger brother Ogi and his wife raise Maki & Mai in a cruel way, on top of that Ogi is shown to secretly plot behind people’s backs and be involved (with e.g. Jinichi) in inner-clan intrigues and betrayal. Funny enough, Toji himself is shown to be as much of a schemer (as seen through his bounty plan) and backstabber (pun intended) in line with his upbringing.
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Naoya & Naobito on the other hand speak their mind openly, announce their gripes and do what they want. Naoya and Naobito are not schemers, they very much are -in accordance with their names - straightforward.
Naoya is many things, but he is not a liar.
Both Naoya and Nabito are eccentrics with a very flashy style that does not conform to plain traditions:
Naoya with his piercings and dyed hair (I’ve previously mentioned his white hakama being unusual for men, which still holds true, but it is not uncommon for high rank swordsmen to wear white ones, so I have now come to conclude these indicate his rank as Chief of the Hei) and Naobito, as an old man, sporting this over the top moustache.
There is an idiom about Japanese society that the nail who sticks out gets hammered down. Both Naoya and Naobito are doing everything to stand out and refuse to fall in line with unreflected traditional actions.
Both have not inherited the Ten Shadows technique but Projection Sorcery - as a result, both are on their own side which aligns more with the reformer side (that contains other Jujucists such as Hakari & Kirara who also have modern techniques), than the conventional conservatives (such as the higher ups or the Kamos. On that note, take a moment to reflect on the implications of Maki and Mai wearing modern school uniforms while Kamo Junior wears a uniform that much more resembles traditional clan attire: The Kamos are as conservative as the Zenins and probably more so than Naobito).
Both Naobito and Naoya are denied their perceived birthright purely by the unfortunate existence of Gojo Satoru and his Six Eyes, and Megumi having the 10 Shadows Technique, for the first time in hundreds of years denying the Zenin’s claim to fame.
Since Gojo was born 1989, I personally like to imagine Naobito tasted clan leadership as “the strongest” (and, in his case, fastest) for at least a few years before the one to change the world’s balance was born - simultaneously stealing Naobito’s position at the peak of the Jujutsu world and also denying that of his at that point two sons. Toji was already past the point of manifesting a cursed technique and therefore all existing “sons” of the Zenin family were ruled out to take their clan’s glory back from Gojo Satoru.
So Naobito tried and succeeded in having another son - I believe this is why Naoya was fathered by him as late as at 44 years. All hopes to restore the waning Zenin power were now on this little boy growing up. Would he be the one to manifest 10 Shadows and make the Zenin a worthy competitor to the Gojo clan again?
No.
Naobito, at this point already several years into watching his clan’s decline, lost the last bit of hope to restore its glory by traditional means and standards when his son manifested his very own curse technique: Projection Sorcery. Personally, I believe that your curse technique is heavily related to your personality - or call it soul if you like - and both Naobito and Naoya having the same technique reflects their similarity in character.
So Naobito raised Naoya to try and surpass the competing Gojo Six Eyes boy even without inheriting the jackpot technique.
While I do believe that Naoya was pampered by servants and women growing up, being the son of the Clan Lead and future Zenin heir in a long line of proud Jujucists, I also coin Naobito as one to give tough love, and demand a lot and would assume Ogi resented him because he would remind him of his own lack of potential, lack of power and lack of future.
On the topic of Ogi:
He is a weak, bitter man who holds resentment for everyone around him and blames everyone but himself for his shortcomings.
Being the youngest brother, his upbringing was different from Naobito‘s and I imagine that especially after witnessing his father and older brother argue and clash, he tried to suck up to his father by being a yesman to all his views and often tried to throw his older brothers under the bus and snitch about his activities.
He has always been a miserable rat with no backbone, hoping for another authority figure to spoonfeed him power.
He never learned that power is not given but taken and failed to take ownership for his life and actions right until his death.
Toji‘s father/Naobito‘s older brother:
I have little thoughts about Toji‘s father/Naobito‘s older brother, but I think he also clashed with his father and (this is super out there) maybe refused to take responsibility despite being the firstborn son and had no interest in leading the clan. I think he was on good terms with Naobito either way and I can see the two of them in their late teens/early 20s out in town, wearing jeans, pomade in their hair, smoking, flirting and riding around on motorbikes with Ogi nagging on the backseat how irresponsible, shameful and reckless they are while they tell the miserable virgin to shut up and learn to be a man.
(In fact, this is the Zenin backstory I want to read and write about, hahaha).
I consider it possible Ogi remained unmarried/a virgin for most his life and only decided to marry a few years after Naobito‘s youngest son Naoya had also failed to manifest Ten Shadows, in a last ill-guided attempt to steal his brother‘s superiority by fathering a child with the golden curse technique. Unfortunately Maki and Mai did not get it either and, to add insult to injury, were girls. Ogi must have been seething about his unlikely decision to marry after all. Possibly he was talked into it by others in the Zenin clan who did not hold Naobito and his ways and his son Naoya in high regard - considering them too unruly and progressive, affirming their future support to Ogi‘s line if he ever takes action.
Either way, I think Ogi and Naobito (and Naoya) are on bad terms and Ogi is a weak rat that deserves to be stepped on by greater people.
Most readers sympathise with Maki and Megumi and their goals and views because that‘s the lense through which we see the story, but take a step back to think about the legitimacy of it for a moment.
Maki leaving the clan is fair, but why would she (or unwilling Megumi) be suitable candidates for leading what‘s essentially a business with lives and salaries and adult people in national positions of power and military units? The thought of it is absurd. It‘s only natural for Naoya, who was raised into this responsibility from a young age, to be outraged over a noname teenager stealing his legacy from him the moment he was supposed to get it in his mid to late 20s. It’s as outrageous as Gojo taking it from Naobito.
My personal headcanon on Naobito’s drinking habit is that it formed in his later years, after Gojo’s curse technique emerged. Struggling to come to grips in his mid 50s, after a life lived for the Zenin legacy for ultimately nothing, watching the power loss and decline of relevancy the Zenin hold after the unfortunate event series - Toji energyless and exiled - Gojo born with Six Eyes - Naoya not having Ten Shadows - from the sidelines of history and the center stage of his clan, with his older brother & his father definitely already dead at this point and him being left with the joke of a person that Ogi is, he took to drinking. “If it‘s all drifting into irrelevancy, I might as well sit back and have a drink in my remaining years.” Something to this extent. In line with this, writing Megumi into his will was a drop in the ocean and at this point no dent in the current state of the clan already past its prime in his eyes.
And yet, old Naobito, leader of the most powerful and wealthy Jujutsu clan (who does not need money) goes to help with the curse outbreak in Shibuya. Sober, despite Maki‘s claims.
And he does not pull a Kusakabe avoiding the curses roaming around but genuinely puts in effort to defeat Dagon and save Maki (who left the clan) after telling her to go home (which against all reason she refuses out of teenage thickheadedness and nearly dies burnt to a crisp as a consequence).
Whereas her father, Naobito‘s little brother Ogi, throws her into a cursed pit to die.
Now, as for Naoya.
Unlike Maki's mother, he does not try to stop her from getting to the curse tools. Unlike her father, he does not throw her into a cursed pit to die. Unlike Jinichi he is not involved in a plot to have her killed.
He mocks her for having an ugly face, rendering her a total failure (on top of not having CE and being a bad fighter). Compared to what everyone else is doing to her, that is really tame.
What I find interesting and most people oddly gloss over, is how he asks her if her plan is to stay in the shadow of Megumi and Yuta.
The implication of this is that he looks down on her choice to tag along behind two other boys — instead of rising up to defeat the odds stacked against her which he potentially considers her capable of. If he was not considering her worthy of being her own person, why would he mock her for being in the shadow of those two? Much like Naobito raised Naoya with tough love, I think this (unconsciously) is a jab at Maki to take Naoya and Naobito as a role model (instead of her weak father) and rise to greatness despite the odds. Somewhere in that douchebaggery of his, he considers her biggest fault her passiveness and acceptance of other people’s low opinion of her and tries to get her to snap and rethink. Be the rebel that Naobito and Naoya also are and were.
I think Naoya, with his definition of and thoughts on strength, his contrarian taunting of everyone else in the clan after his father’s death, had plans to reform the Zenin clan in his own vision once his time as a head comes, to mare sure it will be sustainable in a new age of Jujutsu with less outdated ways of thinking. Naoya has his own agenda. He is not following anyone else's. He does not care for Sukuna's plans, he does not care about Kenjaku's plans. He does not care about Gojo's or Maki's plans (the latter ofc only up until she is all up in his face with her actions) he just wants to get promoted, nothing more. That's not any bizarrely evil masterplan, just a guy trying to steer his life in accordance with his personal vision and goals.
One of my most genuine headcanons about Naoya is that, without Maki and Megumi, he’d have been with Hakari’s and Kirara’s reformer faction and wouldn’t ever have been perceived as an antagonist at all. Because he is not a villain, he is an antagonist, and specifically for Maki & Megumi - he has zero personal agenda with the rest of the cast (aside from Gojo in the broadest sense, but in the same way his father already had it and just lived with it).
Naoya’s whole life revolved around two things: eventually stepping up to lead the clan and to prove himself worthy despite an inferior curse technique, so naturally Megumi stealing the head position from him with contractual fineprint pisses him off to the max. And then to add insult to injury, his “untalented, ugly little cousin” runs amok and slaughters the clan he was supposed to inherit right under his nose. Which he, interestingly, kind of brushes off like water under the bridge and just mocks her for being heartless. He holds no sentimental feelings towards those people murdered there, going by his lack of reaction. And does not care about the Zenin legacy being wiped out for the most part. Which hints at him having prepared for a reform that has now become moot through Maki’s actions.
Now only his other goal in life remains. To be the strongest next to Toji and Gojo. And had Maki not challenged that, had it been anyone else over a different topic, he would not have cared. But his biggest insecurity aka driver was prodded and his arrogance and refusal to acknowledge strength in another Zenin child not him became his downfall. On that note, I also do not consider him a misogynist in particular - he is a petty, spiteful instigator and goader and shittalks everyone. He baits Jinichi into attacking him, he baits Maki in a sexist way, he shittalks women in front of his aunt and he shittalks his brothers to Choso. He does not exclusively single out women to disrespect, he disrespects ANYONE. (Like young Gojo by the way, who behaved the same before he met Geto - all these kids raised into clans, especially as child prodigies set up for future greatness, have little respect for others. A baseline a big ego and a certain arrogance and always feeling better than the rest, no natural instinct to care for others and no respect for established rules are traits both share. Fortunately, Geto opened Gojo’s eyes on the responsibility of strength and taught him some consideration and at least a little humility and kindness. Otherwise, Gojo and Naoya would indeed be standing right next to each other, in arrogance and disrespect for those lower than them).
For what it’s worth, I think Naoya is sexist but the one who is an actual misogynist is Ogi. And that’s why Naoya’s treating Ogi’s wife and daughters mockingly the same way their father/husband does. Yes, there is a difference between sexism (crude prejudice and discrimination) and misogynism (actual contempt and dislike/hatred of women). And while we’re at it -- most of Jujutsu society’s clan-raised peers (vs. random recruits like Yuji, Yuta, Todo) will be sexist. They just don’t get a chance to show it in the manga because their arcs revolve around other things. Kenjaku, Sukuna, Gojo, are all certified sexists given their upbringing and backgrounds.But their stories are different ones, so it’s not likely to come up. Although there has been Gojo’s remark about scary women and Sukuna looking forward to killing women - just saying.
Personally, I don’t see characters or people IRL as good or bad, that’s a childish way of thinking and in such narrow simplistic boxes that only fit in children’s cartoons. People are people. Flawed. Everyone has flaws and everyone has reasons why they have those flaws. Some people click better with your own flaws, some end up causing issues in your life. One bad trait and deed or one good trait and deed doesn’t make or break a person. It’s the sum of what you repeatedly do. Intentions are secondary, the outcome of your actions makes it real. “Who’s worse? The demon who killed 2000 humans or the human who told another human her face is ugly?” is a stupid game to play, especially on childish claims like “oh but sexism is real” like death and murder aren’t just because your sheltered little life has been free from them so far. Grow up and start recognizing the realities of physical violence. Anyway. Naoya mocked Maki for being unable to find a husband with her scarred face, her father threw her into a pit to kill her. People who think Naoya is her issue need to get a grip.
The Zenins you are looking for are not this line of the family but the rest.
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And I wanna drink sake and watch anime with Naobito. And listen to him telling me stories from his 30s in the late 1970s.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
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stayandot8 · 1 year
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A Case of Friends and Lovers
Genre: Fluff
Relationship type: best friends to lovers
Important Contents: Thank you @bangtanmix73 for the idea 😙😙
WC: 6.1k
masterlist
Chan became my friend in the third grade. 
Mrs. Yoon’s class was tough enough. A tall, slender woman with her black hair streaked with the gray of her years of experience with us youngins. Constantly dressing like she was stuck in the 80s with her long skirts and her turtlenecks, she was a no-nonsense kind of lady, which wouldn’t have been the ideal kind of teacher for third graders if you asked me. If she peered over her glasses at you, you knew from her beady eyes that you wanted to never be the subject of that gaze ever again.  As the “talker” of the class, she sat me next to Chan, the quiet and good one, in hopes that he would encourage me to behave like him. Unlucky for her, her plan backfired. I instead opened him up and brought him out of his shell to his own demise. The first time I got him into trouble was still burned into my mind.
Mrs. Yoon was droning on and on about something called fractions and I had had just about enough of her voice for the day. My worksheet long since forgotten on my desk, I leaned over the aisle to poke Chan in his side rather hard and quickly sat back straight, my eyes back to the front in case the mean lady was watching. Chan yelped and pursed his lips to the side in fake anguish. I would continue to see this look a lot over the course of our friendship. Mrs. Yoon heard his squeal and glared at him. 
“Mr. Bang, do not interrupt my class.” Her angry eyes were enough to make Chan’s face burn bright like a tomato. I couldn’t help but snicker as he apologized. He didn’t sit next to me at lunch that day. It wasn’t until I brought him the prettiest rock I could find, a smooth, round, white stone with dark spots to look like the moon, that he finally spoke to me again, all forgiven. That was the longest we had ever gone without speaking.
Chan became my best friend in the 6th grade.
We were walking down the cold hallways, the stench of rubber erasers and preteens still learning about deodorant forcing its way up my nostrils. It was an effort not to scream daily in those hallways, children screaming every direction you looked. This particular day was the day my period decided to rear its ugly head for the first time. It wasn’t like I didn’t know it was coming, my female friends had gotten theirs fairly recently so they had prepared me for what was to come. What I didn’t expect was for it to be quite so…. messy. 
It was a very normal conversation we were having, about how his mom had gotten his lunch mixed up with his sister’s again, when I felt it; a sudden gush coming from between my legs. I stopped mid-step, kids shoving my shoulders as they kept moving. Chan had stopped a few steps ahead, just realizing that I wasn’t by his side anymore and turned back with a confused look. And then those kids started looking at me to find out why I had stopped walking, that was when the laughing started. And the pointing. I had my first panic attack that day, under the cruel eyes of everyone in that hallway. 
Chan rushed to me, seeing the tears and panic in my eyes and quickly took off his jacket to tie it around my waist. He grabbed my shoulders and rushed me to the nurse. He followed me around all day to make sure no one else laughed or pointed or stared. And when someone even glanced at me with what he deemed the wrong way, he would shout at them. 
“And what are YOU looking at, huh?” 
They would quickly find something else much more interesting to look at and rush past us. Chan would nod at his job well done and continue whatever we were talking about, trying his best to get my mind off of this sudden change. That day we had some of the weirdest conversations we had ever had, him pulling every bizarre subject he had in his arsenal to shock me into talking about it. It was a very effective method and became a fallback in the years to come.
Chan became my secret crush in 10th grade. 
It was my birthday and while my mom was a good mother, she sometimes just got too busy with her work to pay enough attention to what was going on around her. This particular birthday she forgot about. I had gotten to school and looked for Chan but he was nowhere to be found until lunch period. I was sitting by myself with my headphones in, listening to my own personal curated playlist by my one and only best friend when the doors to the lunchroom flew open and a slew of balloons were pushed through them, everyone turned to stare at the loud bang. I wondered who could possibly be coming through the doors and assumed it was for some sort of prom proposal or something. I turned my attention back to my chips and was putting one in my mouth when I looked back up to the collection of helium when I saw who was attached to them. My chewing paused and I took out my headphones.
Chan was beaming as he scanned the lunchroom and locked eyes with me. That was when I realized the balloons had ‘Happy Birthday!’ written on every. single. one. He sprinted as safely as he could without tripping over to my table, a small cake and a fast food bag in his hands along with a bright pink gift sack. My jaw dropped. I felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. 
“Happy birthday!” He yelled as he drew closer. He set down the cake, balloons, and gift bag to throw his arms around me and suffocate me with his love. I couldn’t help my grin as he let go, his own smile infectious like always. He sat down, grabbing the food bag and laying out a nice spread in front of me.
“Is this why you’re late to school?” I giggled as I put my home lunch back in my lunchbox.
“Well duh. I couldn’t let you get away with going unnoticed on your birthday. I had to get the best for my girl!” My heart fluttered in a way I hadn’t noticed before when he said that. My veins sang as the butterflies took a hold in my stomach and remained there. 
We had our lunch as the rest of the school watched, people wondering what the balloons were for when their friends explained it to them in hushed whispers. They weren’t there as far as I was concerned. All I could see was him. 
That’s also when other girls started to notice him.
Chan became distant in college.
He had started dating and I hated all of the other girls that weren’t me. He always wondered why his girlfriends and I never got along, not one of them. He only saw what they wanted to see, them putting on their sweetest, most perfect facade for him as I glared at them from the sidelines. Our friendship started to suffer too. 
I couldn’t blame him for wanting to be the perfect boyfriend. I just wish he would’ve realized he didn’t have to try so hard for them. He was perfect the way he was. None of them were worthy of him anyways. It annoyed me to no end how hard he would try for them while they took it and never gave it back to him like I could have. They simply weren’t good enough for him.
He hated it when I told him that. The conversation would always start the same. He would bring up some petty argument they were having and I would try my best to be objective for him, but it was so hard. It was simply that all of the fights he ever had were always the girl’s fault, either demanding he spend more time with her or do more for her or that he was too much work for them. I would make this point and he would retort with a way that it was somehow his fault. HIS fault that she felt this way. That he needed to be better. I would say it wasn’t his fault, he already spent so much time with her. We disagreed every time. I was surprised he couldn’t tell that I was in love with him. He was oblivious when it came to me. But his friends weren’t.
Feix questioned me first but Minho was the first to break me. He got me intoxicated and asked me one too many questions and the beans came tumbling out in a drunken babble. In front of all of his friends and God herself, I wouldn’t shut up about how I missed his laugh, his smile, and his hugs. The boys just looked at each other awkwardly, taking turns trying to comfort me in their own ways. Minho tried to tell me Chan’s poor qualities, walking around naked all the time, he worked too much, he never bought anything for himself. But these were all qualities I already knew and loved about him. Seungmin was just calling him old and ‘why would you want someone so close to old age in the prime of your life’ and such things. I wasn’t much younger than Chan so in reality, he was also calling me old. He ran out of things to say after that, not wanting to put his foot in his mouth any more than he already had. Jeongin and Hyunjin offered to take me shopping the next day, which I took them up on. Hyunjin pat me on the back gently and grimaced. Changbin just tried to tell me that exercise was the cure for everything. That earned a glare from everyone, to which he just shrugged and looked away sheepishly. I thanked him for his suggestion. He meant it in earnest. Han took my mind off of it, offering his best controller to play video games with him all night long. And when I had successfully beaten Han enough for him to admit defeat, Felix followed me to bed and just cuddled me until the heavy weight on my chest had lightened. 
Every time we fought about his girlfriends’ issues with him, it was always on the tip of my tongue. It was always ‘Just talk to her, try to work it out’ instead of ‘I wouldn’t treat you like that.’ It was a laborious effort, keeping all of the emotions inside. I would feel the build-up when he was in between girlfriends, he would get more touchy with me, no longer under a watchful eye or a guilty conscience. I could feel myself begin to tell him my feelings and then another girl would pop up and they would last too long that the moment was over. But I was always the one he ran to when he had problems. And they hated that. 
The first girl that had a problem with how much time he spent with me didn’t last long after that. But after the third girl, he noticed that it was maybe not just a single issue. So I saw less and less of him when he was involved. Then she appeared a year later. 
She was everything I was not. She was popular, beautiful, and just cool. She still didn’t deserve him though. I hated that I could tell she did care about him a little more than the others but not enough it seemed. She became obsessed with the idea that he would cheat on her with me. Eventually she convinced herself that he did. That was a particularly hard fight for him to get through. He came over afterwards and explained it to me, that he couldn’t spend more time with me if he wanted to keep her, so that was it. I haven’t seen him in a while.
That was a couple months ago. I’m in my own apartment now, reading my book far too late into the night again. The pounding at my door broke me of my trance and I scurried to open the door to see Chan, his curly hair a little wild and his eyes rimmed with red. 
“She cheated on me.” 
His voice was hoarse, like he hadn’t used it in a bit. I opened the door further to let him in but he just fell into my arms, his emotions hitting him harder. I hugged him closer, closing the door behind him. He fell to his knees in the hallway and brought me down with him. We stayed this way until his sobs turned to sniffles. My only form of comfort was rubbing his back up into his hair. When his breathing slowed enough for his strength to return to his legs, I nudged him up to bring him to my couch where I left him only long enough to make him something to drink. I decided tea was the way to go, alcohol no good for him in his current state. He simply stared blankly at my coffee table, his silence scarier than yelling. I nudged him with the mug and he took it, letting it warm his hands. I sat beside him gently, letting him talk if he wanted to. When he didn’t, I asked the only question I would dare about the subject.
“Do you want to talk about it?” His eyes still looked blank. His mind was elsewhere. I didn’t think he heard me and I was resigned to stay quiet when he shook his head. I could only nod faintly, finally looking him over fully for the first time in months. His eyes were tired aside from their current puffiness and his clothes smelled like him a little too much, as if he’d been wearing them a little too long. 
“Do you want to sleep here? You’re more than welcome to.” I said quietly, hoping he would take me up on it. I could feel my body yearning to be closer to his natural warmth but I stayed where I was, not wanting to invade his space just yet. He nodded slowly, his mug remaining untouched by his beautiful lips. I had forgotten…
“Do you want to sleep on my bed? I can take the couch.” He leaned to place the cup on the table in front of us and he grabbed my hand. He stood, forcing me to move from my spot as he led me back through my own bedroom door. He only dropped my hand to land face first on my pillow. I couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped my lips. The way he fell was just a little comical, like a cartoon almost. Luckily I had been in my pajamas for about an hour now so I just turned off the light and climbed in next to him, still not touching him. I was too keenly aware of every breath he took, every small movement he made. He turned his head to face me, still stomach down. His eyes bleary, he took a breath in as if he was about to speak. And it was taking all of his strength.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered the words I didn’t need, but craved anyway. I shook my head.
“Don’t worry about it. Just sleep right now, okay?” He nodded, closing his eyes. 
“Don’t leave me.” Never. I tentatively pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes, testing his limits of the moment. He didn’t shoo me away. In fact, he hummed in contentment. His breathing slowed to even draws and gave me the opportunity to really look at him. I thought with these months apart my feelings would die. I should’ve known better. If they could survive college, they would unfortunately survive anything. Simply looking at him was enough to bring them back to the surface in full swing. Maybe this is my opportunity. This time I’ll tell him, I promised myself. Maybe when he’s better. 
“I love you.” I whispered, just loud enough for me to hear. 
I woke up before him the next morning. I felt more than saw the arms around my waist, the leg intertwined with mine. My heart broke slightly as I untangled him from me, moving off the bed as slowly as I could so as not to wake him. He didn’t, simply rolling over, remaining in his slumber. I watched him sleep, the crease between his brows a cause for concern. I tore myself away and exited back to my kitchen. I didn’t know how hungry he would be, so I figured I could always make more if he wanted. As the waffle iron was warming, I heard his shuffling coming down the hall. I kept my back turned to give him a second to breathe and collect himself if he wanted to. When he crept up beside me at the counter, I gave him a half hearted smile and weak ‘hi’, still unsure of his mood. I thought I still knew how to read him, but he had changed so much in these past months, I found it harder than I remembered. 
“I didn’t know how hungry you would be so I was preparing for the worst.” He simply nodded, turning to the coffee pot. He started it up and returned to the couch he was on the night before. He turned on the TV to the morning news. I got the feeling it was just for background noise. 
Once the waffles and coffee were done, I put on my best display of domesticity. I brought him his own plate, which he scarfed down. I talked about anything but the one thing I was dying to ask about. He merely nodded along until a particularly awkward silence hit us. 
“I’m running out of subjects here, Chris.” No response. Another long pause.
“She broke up with me a while ago. I’ve spent the past couple months trying to get her back but it wasn’t working. She finally told me why. She slept with some guy back near the end of our relationship. Didn’t even remember his name.” He got quiet again. Then uttered the few words that consistently broke my heart for him. “I don’t understand what I did wrong.”
“Not everything is your fault though.”
“I had to have done something for her to do that. Why else would she have done it?”
“Some people don’t need reasons.” It was the only response I could think of. He shook his lowered head. 
“It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. So I ran to the only place I thought of. I’m sorry I barged in on you like this, I didn’t know where else to go.” He finally looked me in my eyes, I could see his apology in the gleam between blinks. 
“It’s okay, really. You’ve clearly been busy.”
“But you’ve done nothing to deserve me ignoring you for so long. And then to just show up here? Out of nowhere? I’m sorry, I should go.” He started to rise, eyes, aiming for the door. I panicked, not knowing when the next time I would see him would be. I lunged for his arm, grabbing it tightly. He jerked, but didn’t pull away, looking back at me. Those same apologies still in his eyes. 
“You don’t have to go. I promise, it’s okay. I’m just happy to have you back. No matter the circumstances.” His shoulders fell in relief as he sat back down. He gave me his best smile, which was only a sliver of what I knew it could be. It still made my butterflies jump.
“I don’t deserve you.”
Boy, you have no idea…
That was a few weeks ago. He still wasn’t completely over the betrayal, but he was slowly getting better. He showed up to my apartment regularly, just like before. We would talk about everything but that night. And when he got particularly down on himself, I would drag him out with all of his friends to take his mind off of it. Being of the legal drinking age had its perks.
This particular night, he had been the one to initiate it. He texted the entire group asking which bar we wanted to start on our pub crawl for the evening. We knew what that meant. If it was a club night, he just wanted to forget the day. If it was a club crawl, he wanted to forget the week. But an actual pub crawl, something had to have happened. Minho was always ready with a suggestion. He knew all the best spots in town. And walking through the doors of our first stop of the night, everyone could tell Chan was ready for the night to begin. 
“Let’s gooooo!” He shouted at the top of lungs, approaching the bar and smiling at the bartender, a short woman with enough cleavage to make a porn star jealous. I respect the hustle of it, but did he have to smile at her like that? He flashed one of his famous grins that reached his eyes, which she of course returned. It was hard not to. 
“What can I get you, sweetie?” She wiped down the glass in her hand with the rag in the other, used to the shouting of men ready to forget their troubles. Chan leaned on his elbows on the bartop and cocked his head, ready to charm whoever was a willing victim. 
“A round of shots for me and my friends, angel. And make them doubles if you please.” She smiled and nodded, grabbing the bottle from the shelves and nine bigger shot glasses. Chan started to chat with her as she poured, making my fingers go numb. The intense eye contact between them was enough to force my hands into fists. Felix noticed, because of course he did. I was surprised he couldn't hear my raging heartbeat. Thundering so loud in my ears I could barely hear what he was whispering to me. I felt his warmth bear me as he said
“Don’t take it too close to heart, you know he does this when he needs to release.” That didn’t stop the chill down my spine though. I wanted to deck the poor girl. She had no idea who I was or what I was going through. But if she laughed at one of his stupid jokes again…
Chan grabbed the tray of shots and winked at her, making her blush. God damn it.
“Relax. He’s not going home with her.” More whispers in my ear. I couldn’t place the voice until Seungmin gave me a shy smile, nodding in encouragement of his words. I nodded back, trying to breathe as we all followed Chan to a table near the shadows of the back of the place. Seungmin placed his hand on my back, following my lead and staying close. 
Chan was doling out the shots in everyone’s direction, each conversation happening in tandem, the noise level doing the best job of drowning out my own thoughts. I decided to let this night be as much for me as its initiator. We all clinked our glasses together, tapped the table, and downed our shots in one go, Felix coughing a little as he got used to the burn. 
“Another round!” Jisung shouted over the noise happening around us.
“I’ll go!” Chan started to walk towards the bar, but Jisung stopped him with his arm. 
“Don’t worry buddy, I’ll get this one.” But Jisung’s eyes were on me. I could swear he nodded to me, a small sign of solidarity. 
“Was I that obvious?” Hyunjin shook his head a little too quickly to be anything but honest. I grimaced in his direction, sure that everyone would see through any kind of mask I could put on. Well, everyone except the one it mattered for. He was currently balls-deep in a conversation with Changbin about something to do with…sports? Cars? I couldn’t tell nor did I care. Jisung came back quickly with twice the amount of shots as the first round. I shot him a greatful smile, our unspoken plan working. Another round of shots and we were off to the next bar, pulling the same routine until it was evident that Chan had had quite enough when he wouldn’t let go of my shoulder. He hung on my arm like he hadn’t known anything else in his life, clung to me like he had for the first ten years of our friendship. It was like nothing had changed. 
“Baby, let’s go to another one down the street. They’ve got the best margaritas on the block.” Baby. It almost made it feel real when he called me that. Like, maybe one day, I could be… I snapped back to the moment at hand.
“I think we both have had quite enough there, mister.” His eyes were drooping, his gaze unfocused. His words were blurring together, all of the alochol he had consumed finally hitting his system. He would be turning into one of two people and I didn’t want to be there if the one that wasn’t the cuddly, kind Chris showed up. Not being quite as drunk as the others, I volunteered to take him home, thinking we had had enough for one night. None of the others were ready to go home as much as I was, so they let me take the invalid home by myself. 
The weight of Chan’s body was too much for my single shoulder as we stumbled down the hallway to his apartment. His giggling had turned into a small laughter here and there, which eventually had made him go quiet now. We arrived at his front door, just as I remembered it. 
“Chan, where are your keys?” He grappled with his pockets before he giggled again. 
“Doormat.” was all that came from his mouth. This mother… His spare key was hidden under the mat.
Once we were inside, he went straight for the couch, sighing as he lay flat on his stomach. I couldn’t help my panting from carrying him up his stairs, my breath the only sound in the room. I leaned on the counter, just watching him as he closed his eyes. 
“Chan?”
“Hm?” 
“How are you feeling? Anything coming back up?”
“Not yet. Give me a few minutes though, you never know.” A slight chuckle from the man across the room followed by a groan of regret.
“That is true.” I laughed along with him, not feeling great myself. “Come on, let’s get you set up in your room before I go.” I started for the hallway when his head snapped up from his resting place, his eyes now sad and full of something I couldn’t place. I blame it on the alcohol. 
“What?” His voice had gone high, cracking. “You’re leaving me? Don’t leave me, you can’t leave me. I’ll have no one left.” I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. The words he was saying didn’t make sense in response to what I meant, the fog in my head from the multitude of shots I had clouding every logical thought. 
“Huh? I have to go home at some point. I can’t live here with you, Chan. As much fun as that would be.” There was some truth to that, I realized. I could picture it in my drunken mind’s eye and for a split second, it was everything I had ever wanted come alive. A reality that would always be there in another life where I had the guts to say something. And the even rareer chance that he felt the same. 
“Ha. That would be fun. You would never have to leave then. You could take care of me all the time.” What I wouldn’t give… He was slow to rise from the couch, I suspected any sudden movement would make his insides turn out. And that was a mess neither one of us wanted to clean up. 
“Come on, superstar. Let’s go.” He grabbed another hold around my waist now, his touch more intimate than the one around my shoulder when we first arrived. I tried not to read too much into it. It’s not like it meant anything to him. He was out of his mind, didn’t know what he was doing. We shuffled down the hall to his room, him falling on the bed like he fell on the couch. He burst into laughter into his pillow, my fit of giggles not far behind. 
“Why did you fall like that? You looked like a domino.” I sat on his bed at his feet, getting comfortable.
“I don’t know.” His laughter got louder before it died down. What I couldn’t see was his face scrunching up as his own memeories of the day flew together, ready to attack him as soon as he would let them. I wasn’t expecting the sniffles to come. Well, maybe I should have considering how many shots he had. 
“Chan?” I said again. A long pause, the air thick with a new sadness. 
“I saw her again today.” I knew he was talking about her. I sighed but stayed quiet, afraid of what I would say if I spoke. My words tonight had slipped past every filter I ever had, a new sense of honesty I never had before. Another thing to blame the alcohol for. 
“Why didn’t she love me? Why doesn’t anyone love me?” Not a question meant for my ears. 
“I do.” 
It was barely a whisper. A response to a question that didn’t require one. His retort was too quick for him to realize in what way I meant. 
“You have to say that. You’re my best friend.”
“But that’s not how I meant it.”
He was still. I wasn’t sure if he was breathing but I didn’t care. Now was the time. This was the moment. When I had no filters or second guesses. Now would be the time I would spill it all out, everything. Risking our entire friendship in sixty seconds. I could only stare at the wall.
“I’m in love with you. Have been for a couple years now. I hated keeping it from you but I had no other choice. So all those old girfriends were right. Of course, all the other boys know too. Have for a long time. And now that I can face the fact that you don’t feel the same, I can tell you this and I can move on. I can release it. I can let you go. I love you. I am in love with you. And you do not feel the same. And that’s okay.” I took a deep breath, still without the courage to look in the space around his direction. “Because at least now you know and I can start to kill these feelings one by one until I can stomach you being around other girls. Beause it kills me inside when you talk about yourself like that. Every time you and I would argue about your girlfriends complaining to you and you think it’s your fault. It kills my very soul. You are the best person anyone could ever know. They way you make people feel about themselves, they way you make me feel… I’ve never found that in anyone else. Only you. The way you care about me, you make me feel loved.” My shoes were dirty from the path we walked. I would have to wash them when I got home. 
“I love your laugh the most I think. It makes me feel whole. I love the little squeak you get when you laugh too hard. It sounds like a door hinge.” I smiled to myself, a sudden sadness as I thought I wouldn’t hear it again after this. Not for a long while at least. “I always get butterflies when you touch me. They started back in high school and they never left. I would always try to hug you when I could, which was good because I knew you liked touchy people. But the more I would do it, the more I craved it. I started to crave you. I never knew I liked attention until I tasted yours. And that was it. I was ruined.” Another sad smile as I stood up. He was probably asleep by now, listening to me drone on and on. I could make it home now on my own, the sudden pouring of the build up of the last however many years finally coming to a breaking point. I was never drinking again. I longed for some fresh air, this room suddenly too small. My hand had just brushed the door handle, ready to leave the dream I had held onto for so long in this room, in this moment for good. My life’s sustainment, the only reason I had bothered to come this far. To leave it all on the table for it to be brushed under a rug, never to be looked at or mentioned again.
 Until I heard it.
“And what if I love you too?”
It was so quiet, I thought I had imagined it. 
“You don’t mean that like I want you to.” I opened the door further, certain that I didn’t want to hear his next words.
“But I do.” The grip on my heart, my veins, tightened. There was no way.
“But-” I turned slowly, still not sure if I was dreaming. But if I pinched myself, I wouldn’t get to see how this dream would play out. “What-” I couldn’t think of any words. I could only shake my head in disbelief. “You can’t be serious. You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Look at me. Please. And tell me if you think I dont know what I’m saying.”
I looked, really looked at him, for what felt like the first time. Into those eyes that held nothing but clarity and truth. And I felt like I was falling into them all over again. 
“I don’t believe you. I can’t. I don’t believe this is actually happening to me right now.” 
He sat up to lean against his headboard, head lolling to the side, no doubt feeling heavy.
“You know that box I keep by the front door for my keys? Have a look inside. If you still don’t believe me, you can call Changbin and tell him he has a free pass to hit me as hard as he can.” On shaky legs, I raced as quickly as I dared to the front door, eyeing the little wooden box, just big enough for keys and… 
A small, round, white stone. With dark spots. To look like the moon.
I cradled it, afraid it would break or disappear if I blinked. I simply stared at it, unaware that Chan had crept up behind me on silent steps. I felt his eyes on me a second later.
“Why did you keep it?” My voice was as shaky as the rest of me, still coated in disbelief that the one thing I wanted more than anything could actually be mine. 
“Because that was when it started. I’ve been yours ever since.”
I felt myself turning to face him, still locked on the stone in my hand. I heard him come closer, tilting my chin up to look him in his beautiful eyes. Open for me to see every wonderful thing he had ever thought of me, the warmth inviting me in to stay forever. His hands moved to cup both my cheeks, his body so close I could feel his heart racing alongside mine. 
“I still feel like I’m dreaming.” I whispered against his lips, so close to mine. Too close. There was nowhere I could run to, nowhere I could hide from his fire, his want for me. For me. 
“Me too.” He whispered back.
And then he kissed me.
He poured everything he was into me, his apologies, his laughter, his sincerity. I threw everything I had at him. My darkest thoughts, my hardest moments, my deepest fears. He still did not budge. He waited for more, wanting, needing everything. Every part of me was his for the taking. My soul was his for good. 
It was the feeling of finding money in the pocket of a pair of jeans you hadn’t worn in a while. It was a warm summer night after a day spent with friends, comforting and familiar. It was love, wrapped in your favorite blanket with a warm drink in your hands. He was love, finding me at long last. 
He was mine. 
No one else’s.
Not back then.
Not ever again. 
Only
Mine.
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lightspeed777 · 2 months
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I kind of want to make a post regarding the impact and meaning that Fantasy High: Junior Year has for me especially after episode 3.
I started watching Dimension 20 when it first started coming out and Fantasy High: Freshman Year was great and it coincided with the start of my Freshman year of High School, but I didn't really relate all that much, it was just fun & entertaining.
Fantasy High: Sophomore Year came out during my Sophomore Year and it really helped me get through a lot of my school stress. It was also a very positive influence and motivator in accepting/fully delving into my neurodivergency, as well as leading me on a path to understand my Queerness. That season means so much to me and Ayda does and always will have a very special place in my heart.
But with Junior Year it's very different this time. I've graduated high school already, but the things going on with Kristen, Riz, and Adaine so far in this season are resonating with me so much.
God, the transition from loving school in Sophomore Year and then losing so much time due to work/world tragedy/life changing events, to going into Junior Year tired/burnt out/struggling/directionless/having financial struggles regarding university/college and only starting to get a strong grasp on who you are. It just hits so close to home.
More personal stuff and venting in the readmore
COVID hit at the beginning of my second semester of Sophomore Year and when I went into Junior Year, my grades dropped. Every class that I had excelled in prior to COVID (i.e. the math courses, chemistry, and computer science) I was fumbling and flailing going from high 80s/90s to mid 60s-low 70s. I retained almost nothing from school during COVID, but thankfully I was still able to stay in mid-high 70s in everything but math. Computer Engineering & Physics stayed consistant with mid 80s. Somehow, I found myself excelling at all the subjects I had been struggling with before COVID (English).
When we got back to mostly in-person schooling during my Junior Year, it was really disheartening to see everyone around me balancing a job with school, socializing and having friends/relationships, having chosen the college/university they want to go to, fully being confident in their ability and having pride for their grades. Meanwhile, I'm spending my time by myself, singing below the staircase while reading web comics during lunch and my free period.
Senior Year I kind got myself somewhat together and passed everything, but by then I kind of lost the passion/drive/interest in a lot of the subjects that I had loved prior. I found myself aimless and kind of still am. I didn't know what was next for me, I lost all interest in or ability to function at a University/College setting. My motivation to do stuff hasn't really fully recovered. I've been unemployed and unable to find a job since I graduated. So, Fantasy High: Junior Year is hitting so hard for me. Maybe my life would have been different if COVID didn't happen or I had actually made/kept any friendships during high school.
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indecentpause · 1 month
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The Most Beautiful Puzzle: Chapter Two
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cw: graphic descriptions of a decaying corpse, crime scene, drug mentions, overdose mentions, mentions of a suicide pact
Josselin’s directions take you to one of the forest preserves all the way out in Schiller Park. He kindly found you an ankle brace so you can walk along the paths, even if you can’t go out into the woods. The worst part is still getting up and down. Walking on flat surfaces is relatively okay, and the paths there are generally pretty well kept. Josselin doesn’t offer any information, and you don’t ask any questions. What the hell have you gotten yourself into? He taps at his phone in the backseat while some ‘80s pop music plays softly on the radon. You don’t like it much, but it seems to be something most other people do, and Josselin doesn’t seem to mind. You’ve barely parked and haven’t even shut the car off when a man in uniform, maybe in his mid-thirties? Still young. He approaches the car, waving a disposable mask and a glove. Josselin jumps out, but you stay put, unsure of whether you should follow, but then Josselin knocks on the window and gestures you to do just that. So you do. “This is Inspector Montague,” Josselin says, switching out his cloth mask for the medical grade one. “Dona, this is Meara.” The Inspector squints at you, not rudely, just thinking. “Why are you here?” he finally asks. “Oh, uh, I was the ride,” you say. You thumb back at your car and start to take a step back. “I can stay here if—“ “Nonsense!” Josselin cries. The two of you follow the Inspector back to his squad car. He digs out a second mask and glove and a container of Vicks. Oh, man. Josselin did say she went missing a week ago. The body must have been here for a while.
Read chapter two here on wattpad
or here on ao3!
Current taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @athenswrites @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @winterandwords @thelaughingstag @revenantlore
Please let me know if you want to be tagged in these updates! This is my general list so those tagged here will also still be updated on other projects. If you only want to be on one and not the other, just let me know!
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quietquaking · 1 year
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my personal Batfam headcanons-updated to include languages, birthdays, and a few extra notes!
Languages
*reading/listening
**speaking
writing
All:
- English
- ASL
- Arabic
- Mandarin
Alfred
- rough German**
- French
- rusty Russian
- Urdu
- BSL
- lil bit of Gaelic**
Bruce:
- French**
- easily fluent Russian
- Latin
- Urdu
- basic Nepali**
- BSL
Dick:
- German**
- some forms of Japanese*
Babs:
- Cantonese
- Japanese
Jason:
- French*
- basic Latin
- Turkish
- easily fluent Spanish
Steph:
- Urdu
- Pashto**
Cass: (understands/writes)
- Russian*
- Pashto
- Cantonese
Tim:
- German**
- Latin
- Pashto
- lil bit of Gaelic* from alfred
Damian:
- German**
- Russian
- Urdu
- Pashto
- Nepali
- Japanese
- Spanish
Members
- backstory/hero history (opt)
- job (opt)
- hc’s
- mental illnesses/neurodivergencies
- gender/sexuality/pronouns
- race
- bday
- age
- height
Alfred Pennyworth
- born 1925, accidentally drank from a Lazarus pit in ‘88, has been bouncing around the globe fucking with Ra’s since then
- well actually bruce’s parents died right around then so he had to take care of him, didn’t notice he wasn’t aging until early 1990’s
- perpetually like 63
- has an extensive history in secret service and espionage
- sassy bastard
- the real man of the house
- was definitely sleeping with both elder waynes (late 1960’s-mid 80’s)
- they had bruce in ‘80 (in their early 40’s) died late 80s
- Bday: aug 16, 1925
- age: ??
- 5’10 ish
Bruce Wayne
- actually a disaster
- has acting stupid down to a science
- and fear tactics as batman
- radiates either boyfriend and father vibes depending on the person
- slight british accent when he’s tired/relaxed thanks to alfred (jl flipped the fuck out when they heard it)
- probably autistic tbh, used to live life in perpetual panic attacks
- he/him, disaster bi
- jewish by race, not religion
- bday: april 7, 1980 (early millennial)
- age: 40
- 5’11
Dick Grayson
- ex robin, now nightwing
- police detective (sort of a ‘fix the system from the inside��� type of thing)
- splits his time between bludhaven and gotham, has his own apartment, but still kinda lives in the manor
- at least proficient in all gymnastics-type activities (tramp, bar, beam, silks, ballet, ballroom, and more)
- floor routines/flippy shit and trapeze are his specialities
- anxiety galore (being on the trapeze calms him)
- he/him, bi
- Romani (not at all connected to it tho)
- Bday: march 20, 1992 (late millennial)
- age: 28
- 5’9
Barbara Gordon
- ex batgirl, now Oracle
- mostly paralyzed from the waist down bc joker shot in the base of the spine
- computer hacker
- just does oracle stuff and helps her dads with cases
- Commissioner Gordon’s foster daughter
- ADHD probably
- she/her, pan
- white
- Bday: sep 23, 1994 (late millennial)
- age: 26
- 5’9 when standing, 4’4 (?) in the chair
Jason Todd
- ex robin, now red hood
- he’s a teacher! honestly any grade works
- died and came back. fucking lazarus pits.
- has the white streak goddamnit
- everyone is scared of him but it turns out he’s actually a sweetheart who loves to bake
- he puts on a tough face but he actually cries really easily and frequently. that’s part of why he wears the full-face mask- no one can see the way his face twists when he’s disguising the difference in his voice, or the tears leaking out from under the domino
- alfred and jason share a bday, so he always comes to the manor to see him, even if he’s currently a villain
- ex theater kid lmao
- absolutely wears reading glasses, not many people know that
- swears in a variety of languages thanks to the loa
- some blend of adhd/autism but he’s so entrenched in masking that he really doesn’t know anymore
- any pronouns, doesn’t care about labels
- some kind of (south american?) mixed race, no one’s quite sure what (including himself)
- Bday: aug 16 1997 (technically gen-z)
- age: 23
- 6’1
Timothy Drake
- ex robin, now red robin
- helps run Wayne Ind.
- owns Red Robin restaurant chain
- sleep-deprived coffee-addict
- seriously someone please get this kid to a bed before he passes out standing up again.
- autistic
- he/him non-binary, bi
- pale ass white thing
- Bday: july 19 2003
- age: 17
- 5’5 (max 5’6)
Stephanie Brown
- cluemaster’s daughter- became Spoiler to fight him
- ex robin (brief)
- bounces between various coffee shop jobs before getting a job in a nice restaurant and eventually rising to be top of waitstaff
- loves purple
- ADHD magpie
- she/xe but really any pronouns, lesbian
- white
- Bday: aug 11 2002
- age: 18
- 6’0
Cassandra Cain
- used to be Orphan, then batgirl for a hot minute, now she’s Black Bat
- daughter of cain (the batman villain, not the biblical figure. looking at you, spn)
- trained to be an assassin from a young age
- designer for Wayne Ind.
- mute cause her dad fucked up her vocal cords, but she was mostly nonverbal before that anyway
- badass and yet adorable
- adhd/autistic
- she/they/it, demi lesbian
- chinese (region is up for interpretation)
- Bday: Jan 26, 2003
- age: 17
- 5’4
Damian Wayne
- robin
- bruce’s only bio son (talia r*ped him)
- bruce does make him go to school, but lets him choose between private and public (he chooses private to keep up appearances)
- i feel like he’d be a librarian eventually
- raised traditional european/middle eastern until he was ten, is very proper and very stabby
- also has earlobe piercings from early childhood
- plays violin cuz i said so
- very very autistic but refuses to acknowledge it for a while (would have been diagnosed with asperger’s in the past)
- he/they, agender, demi and gay
- spanish/middle eastern blend (unclear what exactly, Ra’s’ original country probably doesn’t even exist anymore)
- bday: jan 5, 2007
- age: 13
- 5’1 (max 5’10)
Duke Thomas
- The Signal
- has powers from a genetic variation
- moves through light and shadow
- a cinnamon roll
- he patrols during the day so he and the rest don’t interact much at home but he’s always welcome in the manor
- audhd
- he/she (still a boy)
- black
- bday: aug 13, 2001
- age: 19
- 5’10
Harley Quinn
- went to med school with bruce! since figuring that out they’ve actually been close
- such a fuckin mess of mental illnesses lmao
- doesn’t remember her original race, now her skin is just sheer white
- bday: july 20, 1982
- age: 38
- 5’5 ish
Ivy (Pamela)
- she’s shy so she doesn’t actually show up much but she’s still part of the family
- she grows the weed, harley sells it
- race? she’s green and an orphan, idk what to tell you
- intense social anxiety and rejection-sensitivity
- bday: may 14, 1979
- age: 41
- 5’8
Bonus
- Kate
- Harper
- Selina? on occasion ig
Pets
- Ace the bathound (B’s)
- Titus the greyhound (Dami’s)
- Batcow (Dami’s)
- Alfred the cat (Dami’s)
- Goliath (Dami’s)
- Steve the samoyed (Dami’s)
- Goldy the goldfish (Steph’s)
- Jason Jr. the frog (Jason’s)
- Lacey the orange tabby cat (Dick’s)
- Edwardina and family, the ducks that now live in the pond in the garden (Dami+Alfred’s)
- William Snakespeare (Dami+Jason’s)
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slowtides · 6 months
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@librarycards tagged me to talk about books I've read recently (these are selected over the past 6 ish months for me), so this is where my head has been over the past few months. I've been meaning to read Hood Feminism for a while and found it to be a good primer on Black feminist political perspectives--most of my reading into Black feminism is into theorists who were writing out of the 70s, 80s, and 90s, so this was a really good update for me. I've been making my way through some books for work on embodiment and contract grading that were both very important and vital, even as they both will be challenged and pushed in the academic discursive process. I recommend both Our Body of Work and the Carillo book to anyone interesting in writing programs and composition generally. I read Medium Raw, and it was honestly pretty mid to me; I really enjoyed Kitchen Confidential and didn't feel like this book had the same weight to it. That said, I have endless affection for Bourdain as a storyteller and still find comfort in his words.
I've been reading LoTR, and I'm almost finished with RoTK; this will be enough fantasy to last me for a few years, but I am continually struck by Tolkien's prose. I'm working my way through the Neapolitan novels by Elena Ferrante, and my only regret is that I cannot read them in the original Italian. I started the year still reading a lot of P&P fanfiction to the point that I've gotten well sick of it, but Sophie Turner's Constant Love series was interesting because of how it raises critical questions about issues of slavery and empire as part of the narrative and how they impact the Darcys as landed gentry; if you want a comforting and substantial P&P sequel with romance and friendship and the vagaries of life, I recommend it. And then lastly, I just finished a collection of Forugh Farrokhzad poems and interviews, and it was really amazing that since it was a survey collection, I got to see how her poetry evolved across the short period of time she was writing (16 years before her death at age 32).
I would love to see what you have read recently that has stuck with you. I'll tag a few people, but I encourage all of my mutuals and followers to do this and please tag me in it even if I didn't tag you. I just like to see what other people are reading. If you'd like to do so, post any books (or other media, tbh) you've read recently that you want to blurb about (as many or as few as you want), blurb, and then tag some other people. @sandovers @darlingsternism @floralghvst @griefrituals @huong1952 @jvtng @kneadingwater @luthienne @leonardcohenofficial @qiraa @wrathwritten @robbiedaymonds @unlivedtenderness @oscillateswildly @celestialwhisphers @cloudbustng @cloudeatrr @velvetbronte @neoyorzapoteca @noorshirazie @miri-fical @maybuds @may-bean @fatalsoftness @englishgradinrepair @a-doctor-not-a-fangirl @postcards @daisyyydaisyyydaisyyy and again, all my mutuals and followers who want to do this :)
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asteralien · 25 days
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richard's relationship with money is so interesting to me despite/because of how vague and nonspecific it is in canon. which only makes sense because the show isn't interested in richard's backstory at ALL and, it being an audio medium, it can't exactly give many context clues like wardrobe/style or what his apartment/house looks like. but it's like......... he doesn't have interests, he dabbles in money-making activities. i am practically forced to assume that his mention of being good at pool also = a side hustle. his estranged dad up and left him a house and a paid ride to college. at this point he's way better off than he's ever been -- after 18 years of living with two separate conmen and a mother who doesn't care about him in mediocre apartments, he's suddenly on his own with his future out in front of him, and....... he STILL takes very risky grade-changing jobs for money? like he bypasses getting a regular college job and goes straight to petty crime? and apparently "far worse" crimes??? it's such an interesting balance between craving the security of Having Money and being pathologically unable to get it in a "normal" "safe" way. he doesn't even do anything with it in canon, he just GETS it. he isn't even buying lucy's drinks himself!!!! obviously even richard has bills to pay (which is. very funny to me. sorry that i think 19-year-old college era richard is the funniest person to ever exist, gremlin who's only ever lived in an apartment with his mother, sister, and mother's rotating cast of boyfriends, suddenly has a whole ass house dumped in his lap on his 18th birthday in exchange for his whole ass father's wholesale abandonment of him, has to figure out how to pay utility bills on his own, maybe thinks about getting a barista job or whatever kids did in the 80s, record shop clerk job?? and then nopes past it and picks "exploiting a child genius" as a career path instead. what a fucking legend. i also think he murdered people for money a couple times but that's just me) sorry i've lost the plot of this post thinking about campbell county community college computers richard. imagine being the people at the 5 Cs in charge of hiring STUDENT COUNSELORS and seeing richard maxwell strut into his interview and thinking "yes this 18-year-old suspiciously home-owning kid who talks like a john hughes movie antagonist and is currently his kid sister's very much illegal guardian is the perfect fit for our emotionally and socially fragile 11-year-old resident genius. what could go wrong" and then they have to pay for nicholas adamsworth's therapy sessions for the next 5 years because richard maxwell was what could go wrong. fuck. "waylaid in the windy city" maybe be my personal favorite richard but pre- and mid-"eugene's dilemma" richard is definitely the weirdest and funniest
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choicesmc · 1 month
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Rams' 4 Bands
This is a long one folks. I had so much fun with it, I hope y'all will too! I'm putting it under a read more because (and this is a warning) it is long. And all the art you'll see is mine (admittedly it's only four pieces but 🤷‍♂️)
Tagging: @choicesbookclub
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Summary: A rather established band with pop rock aesthetic. Rams found them in ~8th grade and has been an avid fan since! Right now, she's listening to their latest album: Solitude.
Band Name: +Eyes+ Members:
Adaeze Okeke "Iris" Leontes Valjean "Lens" Dieuwe Antema "Optic"
Latest Album: Solitude Songs In The Album: Keep Quiet, At Night, Things Stir, With Mal Intent, Interlude, Twilight Hour, Moonset, You Know Too Headcannons:
This band exists in the magickal world and are better known there! Their Tuneless music doesn't include Phono magick which often makes the sound feel 'lacking.' When Rams discovered this, xe reexperienced all their music 'properly' and will admit that it's much better on Phono than not. It feels complete.
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Summary: Still underground, Buried Alive is a new band trying to gain a little following. Rams only heard of them through a friend of his who was friends with the band members. They only have four albums so Rams is starting with their first: BROKEN BONES.
Band Name: Buried ALIVE Members:
Ji-Woo Min Gang Deadweed Nkiruka Thorn
First Album: BROKEN BONES Songs In The Album: Mary's Strange Daughter, The Pastor's Sermon, My Witch Hunt, Sticks and Stones Headcannons:
They have a very ballad/tragic style. Each of the listed is songs is 9+ minutes long. Rams isn't sure how they feel about it yet but it's... not bad. It grows on them with each re-listen. The cover is homemade. They're trying their best, okay?
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Summary: This band has the oldest members of all the bands Rams has listened to. The duo is 76 and 81 years old and their still going strong. Rams started listening sometime around sophomore year of high school.
Band Name: Sickening Sugar Members:
Immy (76) Mal (72) Nia (Deceased) Tyril (Deceased) Aerin (Deceased) Valax (Deceased)
Latest Album: Coffee + Tea Songs In The Album: Filter Me Out, Divide My Mix, Stir It In, No More Cream, Pieces of Crystal, Hot Bitter Drink, Choke and Choke Headcannons:
They're an old queer band though they were only moderately known in the 50s and 60s. That changed with the AIDs epidemic which claimed four of the six members lives leaving only Immy and Mal. Post-death, Sickening Sugar released a single (the last one to feature all members voices) titled 'What Do Mean? There's Still Six of Us'. It quickly gained traction and catapoulted the now duo into the centre of the LGBT movement throughout the late 80s and 90s. Their still heavily involved in activist work even if their heyday is a shiny memory. Yes, they are named after BOLAS characters because I think BOLAS the show is sort of like what Honor Amoung Thieves is to D&D. I headcannon that in-universe the BOLAS show pulled from a nerd culture of RPG games and Sickening Sugar named themselves after their favorite characters in those collaborative RPG games. It actually caused licensing issues while BOLAS was first coming out because two major characters couldn't be licensed since this band already held those licenses. The BOLAS legal team, Immy, and Mal worked out an agreement so Immy and Mal get royalties from each item. It's pretty good money considering the show's popularity.
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Summary: it's a very folk-rock song. Mainly blending religion with critical anti-capitalism themes. The members in mid-40s and are currently on a break-up tour. Rams is devasted about it, the band has been a major part of hir highschool career and none had seen the break-up coming!
Band Name: PrOvide Members:
Wally Crawford Josslyn Platt Lilac Winton Astra Jackman
Last Album: Old School Choir Songs In The Album: Hymn, Hum, Worship, Watch, Praise, Pray, Worship, Watch Headcannons:
Yes, there are two different songs named Worship in the same album. Fans call the second one 'Worship Again' to differentiate them. Rumors have it that they're breaking up over creative differences but Rams doesn't fully believe those rumors. Unlike other bands, they've have a rather flexible sound that should be able to accommodate the odd/diverging album here and there.
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harocat · 28 days
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Tagged by @heyyo-heyyo
3 ships you like (people I love together, canon or otherwise)
Dongfang Qingcang/Xiao Lanhua (Love Between Fairy and Devil)
Hua Cheng/Xie Lian (TGCF)
Yuuri Katsuki/Victor Nikiforov (Yuri on Ice)
First ship ever: I'm not ever sure how to answer this, because I'm certain there's ships that I supported as a kid, but I can't really recall feeling strongly about them. They'd probably be like... Disney movies or something from a book I read, but I'm just like /shrug I don't remember. So, Zelgadis Greywords and Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune from the nineties anime, The Slayers. They're the first thing I was into fandom for, ship wise. And they're still one of my all time favorite ships.
Last song you heard It was Joji's Glimpse of Us. I looked up the lyrics for someone in a GC.
Favorite childhood book(s)
My favorite book as a grade schooler was The Dolphins and Me by Don C Reed. It was about a guy that worked at Marineland in the 70s/80s, and his interactions and relationships with the dolphins that lived there. I read it a lot, and it made me cry each time. It wasn't the great American novel or something, but for child me it meant a lot. Somewhere I have a signed copy of it.
Currently reading
JWQS, still. I'm so slow.
I'm also terrible about buying books and not reading them, so I have several on my shelf I'm mid-reading, but I feel like it would be dishonest to list them here because by mid-reading it's 'I read the first chapters five years ago and might get back to it.'
Currently watching
Cdramas: White Cat Legend, Love and Redemption. I'm kind of watching A Journey to Love, but it's been slow going. It's really good, and I like it a lot, but for some reason I'm just not hooked. I want to finish it for my princess Yang Ying though.
Anime: The Apothecary Diaries, Frieren: Beyond Journey's End. Also watching Spy x Family season two, but very slowly. I like to just pop on an episode when I'm in a sour mood because it always cheers me up.
Not really watching any western shows ATM. I'll be back on my Doctor Who shit in May though.
Currently consuming: I had a little strawberry pie pastry for breakfast.
Currently craving: Food? Super basic, but I really want chipotle even though I had it YESTERDAY. For something to watch? I want another fun xianxia. There's so many in the pipelines that I hope are great. What I want to see most (outside of Eternal Faith which will never happen), is Lost You Forever S2 though.
For the ultimate thing I want every single day of my life? Ice Adolescence. :(
Tagging: @eldritch-bisexual, @circumference-pie, @sassybluee, @2014federalbudget, @glasscasse, @zelinxia, @quadsuki, @starrygazingpie, @xiaohuayaos, @takemetogusu
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lattesandlearning · 1 year
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✨12/8/2022, Week 21 of Fall Semester✨
Phew! Where do I even begin? 😅 Hello, friends! I believe I should begin with an apology for my sudden lack of posts. I have been swamped with class work and just making it through day by day, week by week. We are currently 4 days away from the Adult health II final that is the last barrier between me and level 4! It’s incredible how fast this semester has flown by- I feel like we just started yesterday. I have learned so much and thankfully, I’ve been scoring mid to high 80s on the rest of the exams since that first one back in September that I posted about but I missed one because I became unexpectedly and extremely sick, so I need to make a 74 on my 100 question final, so I’ve been largely dedicated to refreshing on everything in the course- specifically cardiac because of that initial poor exam grade.
I have also been taking an additional course outside of the nursing program that has snatched up every morsel of spare time, but it has been extremely helpful in teaching me how to write a resume, cover letters, inquiry letters, and thank you notes. We have also been efficiently taught how to answer behavioral interview questions by our instructor having us write answers to common vague prompts so we have a story toolbox and are the best prepared for interviews, which will be perfect for me as a level 4 student next semester!
I hope you are all doing well, and again, I’m very sorry for the unexpected prolonged hiatus! Best of luck to everyone with finals and to those who have finished, congratulations!! Treat yourself with kindness and celebrate your victories with a nice winter break. For those who keep going throughout December, I wish you all the very best in your studies and also encourage you to take breaks when you can even if it is just to enjoy a small cup of hot chocolate.
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canmom · 4 months
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so there's a widely used tool called ReShade which intercepts the DirectX API calls of a game to add additional post-processing effects using the game's frame and depth buffers. basically gives you access to various deferred techniques, with certain technical caveats. common effects include bloom, depth of field, tonemapping, and screen space ambient occlusion.
one of the more ambitious effects is Screen Space Realtime Global Illumination (SSRTGI, or just RTGI), implemented in Marty's Mods. this attempts to simulate diffuse-diffuse interreflection, i.e. how the light from a brightly lit object will spill onto surrounding objects. it's a very important part of rendering bright, colourful scenes.
Global Illumination is usually handled in offline rendering by raytracing, and there's been a lot of excitement in the last few years about the new realtime raytracing acceleration hardware in graphics cards. SSRTGI doesn't use this at all: it knows nothing about the scene geometry beyond the depth buffer. instead it uses raymarching, which steps a ray forward a fixed distance at a time until it discovers an intersection with the depth buffer. Since we're using the depth buffer, the algorithm only knows about the near sides of objects.
This video is a bit rambling but it shows some of the limitations of SSRTGI:
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So this has been a fun new toy to play with now my computer can handle it. For example, here's a scene with a bright dancefloor in FFXIV's default renderer, which by default has a strong green tint and desaturated colours.
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The Alive preset's colour grade improves matters a lot (this scene doesn't necessarily show the best of it, but removing the green tint and desaturation is a night and day difference throughout the game)...
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...but my character's legs should be affected by the bright floor. Enter SSRTGI. I can actually isolate the exact RTGI contribution:
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I've turned up the ray length a fair bit compared to the Alive preset's default, since it was a bit too subtle to be worth the performance hit otherwise.
You can see that the SSRTGI models both ambient occlusion and indirect light from bright surfaces. Essentially, each pixel traces a ray in a random direction until it hits a surface visible to the camera. Then, it samples the brightness of that pixel and calculates a light contribution and AO amount. I assume it does some kind of average over neighbouring pixels to smooth out the noise.
The effect is a little subtle, but it makes the scene look more integrated...
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...at the cost of a hefty framerate hit (using a 4070Ti; unmodded FFXIV runs at an 1440p ultrawide on an easy 144fps (the monitor refresh rate), without RTGI I can get into the mid 90s, with RTGI it's pretty resolutely locked at 72), and heating my graphics card up to 70-80°C (well within tolerances but it's rare to see a game push it that hard).
The effect may be a little subtle in this scene, which has a lot of high frequency detail and darker materials. It really pops in the Fall Guys crossover, which is a very bright scene.
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Note the bright green reflected light on the green cube as a particularly obvious RTGI effect (although the shadow it casts is kinda janky ngl). I should really get a screenshot of the exact RTGI contribution in this area, and create a suite of comparisons like the above.
The RTGI also stands out on bright days in Ul'dah, it does a lot for the Gold Saucer, and generally it makes certain environmental light sources a bit prettier. If you turn it up too much it starts to look a bit silly, since brightly lit floors turn into brilliant torches lighting up nearby walls. But there's a comfy middle ground where it's noticeable without being too extreme. I'm looking forward to seeing how it fares in the colourful areas of the expansions, but this character isn't out of ARR yet.
So, that's cool and all, but toying around with SSRTGI, you really start to feel its limits compared to true raytracing. For example, objects will cast shadows in the indirect lighting, but the specular light contributions are not properly affected by the base game's shadowmaps, so you see speculars in places that you shouldn't. A decent number of surfaces in FFXIV have planar reflections (using the usual technique of rendering the scene inverted through the mirror to a rendertexture), which is nice, but there's no middle ground between 'perfect mirror' and 'rough specular that still reflects the scene'. And of course the other usual limitations of SSRTGI, e.g. a brightly lit surface must be visible to the camera to contribute light.
No, this is nice and all, but the people want real raytracing. Which leads me to wonder is there a way to intercept all the draw calls issued by an application, extract the geometry from them, reformat it for raytracing and feed it into the raytracing hardware - basically replace the game's entire render pipeline with raytracing?
This is going to take some research. It very likely isn't possible, or performant if it was possible, because a lot of smart tech artists have already been working hard to push the limits of ENBSeries, Reshade, etc. (Acerola has a solid video on implementing various effects in Reshade.) But the imp of the perverse in me wants to figure out if it can be done. After all, RenderDoc is capable of intercepting and analysing all the draw calls issued by an application. The question is, how severe is the overhead of on-the-fly translating rasterisation calls into raytracing calls? Most likely absolutely hideous! That's not how you're supposed to use a graphics card!
Since the hardware I develop for very definitely does not support raytracing, I have relatively little idea how you actually write a shader with raytracing. But now I kind of want to find out. If I ever get anywhere beyond idle thoughts, I'll let you know what I find out.
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singlesablog · 6 months
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Fantasia.
“Magic” (1980) Olivia Newton-John MCA Records (Written by John Farrar) Highest U.S. Billboard Chart Position – No. 1
ONJ, queen of the echo, absolutely stole my heart the 4 weeks this was No. 1 on the top 40 charts for all of August, but I am sure it went on long after, because I vividly remember running home from 9th grade to wait by our giant television stereo console—6 feet long, in walnut—to hear it hauntingly waft over FM radio one more time and once again fuel my dreams.  The strings, the guitars, the little bit of ELO-like synthetic thing happening with the voices behind her, and yes, an echo on her voice to make Phil Spector weep, it was and is one of the greatest singles ever.  For certain it was one of the gayest.
The big push behind the Xanadu soundtrack was that one half of the LP was Olivia (and I know now her genius producer and songwriter John Farrar) and the other half a then riding-high ELO (Electric Light Orchestra).  Now ELO will show up here again; in the mid-70s the band produced Beatle-esque pop songs I adored, but at this stage I felt the singles were starting to verge on bombast (“All Over The World”, “I’m Alive”,  and “Xanadu”—which is possibly even more camp than the movie, and a famous flop—were the hit singles by ELO).  I also felt that the gorgeous things on her side of the record were rather sneered at as Top 40 pap, even though if you were to turn on any 80s station today it would be clear that the lasting hit from the soundtrack is “Magic”, and that you would be very hard pressed to hear “All Over The World” ever in your life again.   But no one is prepared to admit that, even though neither artists where ever considered cool, then or today.
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The Pan Pacific Auditorium, built in L.A. in 1935 and used as an exterior for the motion picture Xanadu (1980).
I actually loved the movie, and ran home eagerly right after to make paintings inspired by the Los Angeles/Art Deco fantasia it presented, plus Olivia’s hair and clothes, which were peak that year.  All of the songs on Side ONJ (the album, which I am looking at, actually says ELO side and ONJ side!) were the really dreamy ones, and included two underrated ballads, “Suddenly”, her duet with Cliff Richard (Billboard No. 20) and “Suspended in Time”, another pyramid of echo.  But none of them could touch the hem of “Magic”, where the planets aligned so rare, and there were promises in the air, and she’d bring all your dreams alive…. for you.  
Well, me.  Especially me.
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“Magic” 1980’s third biggest seller, was right behind Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in The Wall” and behind the no. 1 of the year, Blondie’s “Call Me”, the theme song to the motion picture American Gigolo, starring Richard Gere, written by Giorgio Moroder with lyrics by Deborah Harry (based on her impressions of the movie).  Gigolo, a film about a straight hustler in Armani clothes who works for a gay pimp, is one of the true style representations for the L.A. of 1979/80 (a feast for the eyes in terms of fashion and West Coast interior design), signaling both the extreme 70s feel of the movie, alongside the more Euro-centric eye toward the clothes and modernism that would define the first half of the 1980s that lie ahead.  It would be a Los Angeles/Art Deco fantasia of a very different and darker attitude.
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As a further aside, Gere’s hustler character in the film was named "Julian", which was soon to be borrowed for the drug dealing character Julian in Bret Easton Ellis’ classic dystopian novel Less Than Zero (1983), leading to a vision of L.A. even darker still.
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satankilledmyghost · 2 years
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next to me - donald na x reader
a/n: i've finally written something!!! *insert celebratory dance here* i tried to write a whole one shot?? thing? idk what to call it. also, i put female reader down just because i feel like with how i wrote this, it’s more suited for a female reader. but there’s no mention of gender or pronouns, just one use of the word ‘skirt’ so if that doesn’t bother you, this is for all. enjoy!
not important at all but this is one of my fav pics of donald i’m too obsessed with him omfg look at how he’s so fucking annoyed i just wanna hold his face and tell him how pretty he is and i’m rambling so i’ll shut up now
warnings: swearing, female reader, mentions of low test grades
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“DONALD!” You exclaimed, bursting into his office. Donald lifted his head up from whatever he was working on at his desk and watched as you shut the door behind you and put your hands on your knees, trying to catch your breath. “Give me a second. I ran here.” You said between gasps of air, holding up a finger.
The corner of Donald’s mouth quirked up for a split second at seeing your frenzied state, then he turned back to his work. A minute later, you straightened yourself, fixed your uniform skirt, and skipped happily over to his desk, a giant smile on your face and your eyes shining with excitement. “Can I interrupt you for a quick second?”
You always felt like you had to ask. Though you’ve never seen him get angry, you could practically feel the danger vibrating from his aura on a daily basis.
“Technically, you already did when you ran in here like a wild animal, but go ahead.” You made a face at Donald’s comment and pushed a packet of paper into his line of sight. “Look! I actually did well on the math test we just had!”
You have always struggled with math and Donald had offered to help you study for the upcoming test when he had breaks in his day. It was gruesome having him as your tutor, but it all paid off when you finally scored above an 80%. You’ve always averaged in the mid to high 60’s, so this was a major improvement.
“I got an 83%! Isn’t that crazy? I totally thought I’d be worse.” You say cheerily. “I honestly couldn’t have passed without your help, so thank you! You’re fucking magic.” You said, smiling at Donald.
He didn’t know what to say. Though you always beam at his intellect, you constantly find ways to fluster him. “That’s great, y/n. Congratulations.” You hummed and shoved the test back into your bag.
“Whatcha working on today?” You asked, heading over to your spot on one of the couches. You’ve made it a habit to always go to Donald’s office when you both were free and you needed a quiet place to study.
“Just paperwork.” You looked back at Donald knowingly. “Did someone do something again?”
“Not really. I had Jake go across the river to retrieve a contract and it caused a fight between us and Cheongang. The company was being stubborn and caused this mess so now I have to deal with the documents to fix their issues.” Donald replied while writing something down.
You tilted your head, your eyebrows furrowing. You had finished setting yourself up for a couple hours of studying, your books and papers on the coffee table already, but you chose to forget about them for now. “Cheongang? I’ve never heard of them.”
“They’re an organization that’s on their second generation already. They’re in charge across the river- business and streets.” “So kinda like you?” Donald nearly glares at you, clearly offended and your eyes widen. “What? Aren’t they similar to the Union if they’re in charge of businesses and the streets? Is that a bad thing?” You try to save yourself.
Donald sighs and drops his pencil. “When you put it like that, yes, we’re similar. But my Union is nowhere near the level of inferiority of those boomers.” Donald’s eyes darken and you nod. “Gotcha.” You murmur, finally turning to your work.
Unbeknownst to you, Donald was watching as you got to work on your studies. He had to admit, having you hanging around in his office at first annoyed the hell out of him. He wasn’t used to a constant presence in his space. And it’s not like he could ask you to leave, you only came over when you knew he didn’t have any meetings and you always kept silent and to yourself.
But the more you came over, the more those afternoons gradually grew on him. Donald had eventually warmed up to your company, finding comfort in knowing it isn’t just him alone in his office all the time.
You always kept to yourself and only interacted with him when you absolutely couldn’t understand something.
Then, you’d walk up to his desk and he’d raise a pierced brow, silently asking you what was up. You’d quietly explain what you were working on and how you just couldn’t understand it no matter how hard you tried and that you need his help. Donald would then stop whatever he was working on and explain it to you, made sure you understood it, and then watched as you did the rest on your own.
When you would finish, you’d show Donald your completed work and silently watch him as you anxiously wait for his feedback. He’d glance over your work, and he’d point out what you did that needed fixing and sent you off to retry it.
If your work was executed perfectly, he’d express his approval with a simple, “looks good.” and immediately turn back to his own work.
Donald would never miss how you bit your lip to repress the smile that would follow those two words and he would watch out of the corner of his eye as you returned happily back to your spot on his couch, moving onto the next thing you needed to do.
And then there were those days where you didn’t have any work to complete but you would still come over. You’d end up sitting on the couch either taking a nap or scrolling through your phone, making small talk with Donald once in a while. He loved those days.
The longer this went on, the more you began to have an affect on Donald. Now he found himself looking forward to seeing you whenever you said that you were able to stop by. You were a drug to him, and he was unknowingly becoming an addict.
Donald even went as far as to reschedule a meeting one time just because you hadn’t been able to hang out with him in a while and this was the first day that you were finally free. That was when he started to realize his affection towards you.
He always hides it whenever he’s around you, but it’s you. And Donald is slowly losing more of his control. It’s only a matter of time before he can’t take you two just being friends anymore.
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