i used to get really mad at myself for always being so drawn to softness and being understanding. there’s always been some small part of me that gets angry and wants to stomp my foot and say NO.
and i think its easy to get angry at yourself. so easy to fall into this idea that there’s nothing about you worth loving or caring about. so so tempting to think, ive made all these mistakes, hurt these people, done these unforgivable things. there’s nothing to love about me, and even if there were, it’s a trap. bc anyone who gets too close will suffer from loving me anways. and so many days, so many hours ive spent locked in that frame of mine. so so convinced, that im a hurricane sucking up souls and the hearts of those who meet me. a disaster on the edge. so easy to believe that not only am i unworthy, but doing those i love a favor by minimizing their interactions with me.
see isolation has always been a second nature to me for a reason. ive always felt like a plague. ive always told myself that in order to be loved, i must exist in the smallest ways possible. shrink. disappear. be invisible.
and it’s only just now hitting me, that’s the root of my deep need to understand those who feel like they aren’t capable of being understood. i ache to understand, and to be understood. to see, and to be seen in return. and it comes down to that every single time, no matter the question.
why did i hurt that person? why did i go out of my way to ￼￼￼sabotage￼ our relationship? i was scared they wouldn’t understand me. that they would reject me. why did i turn off my phone and stop responding to messages? i was scared id be too disappointing and they wouldn’t understand my pain and sadness. why did i put distance between me & that person i thought i liked? i figured they only liked the version of me they see & not the real me so i stopped letting them see me at all. why did i let that person treat me like that for so long? i thought they just needed someone to care when no one else would. why did i show them my pain when they didn’t really care?? i wanted to give them a reason to understand me and to show them i could understand them too.
time after time, every question, every failed relationship(romantic or platonic), it always comes down to me yearning for this absolute understanding that never seems to come and most of the time, it doesn’t come because i am terrified to let it come. to let it happen. to let myself be seen, really seen. sometimes i think to myself, that im isolated because it’s a natural habit & everyone else has too much going on to notice. but is that really true??? or am i isolated because i am avoiding the idea of being seen and potentially rejected or harmed? because anytime someone gets to close, i lock the door & give them a reason to doubt me and try to run?
anyways, here’s to learning how to love yes, but also learning how to be loved in return without letting doubt cloud your heart and mind.