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wistfulcynic · 4 years

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Their Way By Moonlight: Endings And Beginnings (chapter 18 plus epilogue)

SUMMARY: A new curse has fallen on Storybrooke and this time Emma is trapped inside it, deliberately separated from Henry and anyone else who might help her break it. But what no one knows –including her own cursed self– is that she and Killian have the ability to share their dreams, and are working together in secret to find a way to break the curse and free everyone from a new and dangerous foe.

Rating: M

AO3

*draws deep breath*

*slowly exhales it*

Okay. Okay. Wow. I can’t quite believe this is it. I’ve been writing this story for more than a year, and now it’s done. That is... well, it’s something.

I have to take a moment to thank some people, people who helped me through when it felt like no one was reading this thing that was carving pieces out of my heart with each chapter, people whose support is the only reason the thing is finished, and that I’m even still writing. I was so, so close to giving it up but they wouldn’t let me and I am deeply grateful.

Krystal, who inspired the thing in the first place and whose enthusiasm is a true joy to behold. Ro, whose wisdom and compassion are so vast and who was the shoulder I needed exactly when I needed it. Katie, who sees everything and understands it all, even the things I don’t say. Lisa with her amazing comments, Masha with her brilliant art, Alma with her generous soul. Devra, so insightful and thoughtful with her incisive analysis and appreciation of so many of the things I love. And Stephanie, my other half, I can’t believe I had to live forty whole years without you but this last one with you has made up for all of them.

Thank you all. So, so much.

a/n: this chapter is actually two chapters because it just got SO LONG, but I’m posting them together - or at least within a few hours of each other.

Endings:

The sea was calm, that peculiarly soft and eerie calm exclusive to the hour just before the day breaks, when the air is cool and the light is grey and mist shimmers over gently undulating waves, and even the birds know it would be a sin to break the silence. Across that calm sea a boat glided, smooth and true and though no wind filled its sails, quite remarkably fast. It was a small boat, made of wood with a mast, two sails, and an oar, just enough to suit one man in decent comfort for a journey far longer than most would wish to undertake in such a vessel, but Oisín—for naturally the man was he—was quite extraordinary in his way and crossing a wide ocean in a tiny boat posed no challenge for him.

He was nearing the end of his journey now; the thick mist and low light obscured his vision but not the pull in his blood that grew stronger as his homeland drew nearer. It is a pull we all feel after long days or weeks or years, decades even, spent away, but for a man who counts centuries as beads on an endless chain the call is stronger still.

He dipped his oar into the water, skilfully steering the boat through the treacherous shoals that shielded his island from unwelcome travellers and into a cove perceptible only to those who already know it’s there. The boat slid onto the shore with the rough whisper of wood over sand and Oisín’s soul sighed in peace. He was home.

He stepped from the boat and tugged it up more firmly onto the shore, looped its rope around a slender column of stone sticking up from the sand and when he turned around again she was there. The mist embraced her and the sun even now rising over the horizon cast a gentle light upon her face. A face as young and ancient as his own, smoothed by magic and profound with the weight of ages. He drank in the sight.

“Niamh,” he said.

“Is it done?” she demanded, in a voice drawn as from the strings of a harp, melodious and resonant.

“It is done.”

“Our debt is repaid?”

Oisín nodded. “He will still have challenges to face, some magical, some of the more mortal variety. But never again will he face them alone. I can see the threads of his life, of their lives, woven together to the end.”

“Not too soon an end?”

“Fewer years remain by far than what he has already lived, but that remainder is still generous for a mortal man. And they will be happy years, on the whole. For her as well. For all of them.” He stepped closer and stroked her silken cheek. “Worry no more, my love. He is free now of the demons that so long tormented him, and he will be happy.”

She sighed, and smiled, and leaned her head against his hand. “Then I am happy too.”

Oisín smiled indulgently, an answering platitude ready upon his lips, then blinked in surprise when he realised that what he planned to say was true. “As am I,” he said softly. “Very happy indeed. Now let us go home.”

When Regina and Robin materialised in the sheriff’s station they found the others still there and awaiting their return. Killian was sitting on the edge of one of the desks with Emma nestled between his legs, his arms around her waist and his cheek on her hair. Henry and Neal were leaning side by side against the wall of Emma’s office, talking animatedly, and Zelena lay unmoving on the cot in her cell, staring blankly at the wall. Despite herself, Regina felt her heart twist at the thought of her sister’s bitter loss.

“Hey, Regina,” Emma greeted her. “How’d it go?”

“Exactly as I hoped. The magic is back in the Enchanted Forest and dispersed enough to be harmless. I put a temporary seal over the portal. It’s done. The curse is broken and its magic is completely gone.”

Henry ran over and threw his arms around her. “Great work, Mom. Both moms,” he said, grinning at Emma. Regina hugged him back, tightly, but a hard knot of apprehension still sat like a stone in her chest. The curse was over but that didn’t mean her troubles were.

“We should get to Granny’s,” said Emma, pulling out of Killian’s arms and going to stand behind Henry. “My parents are there and probably most of the rest of the town. We need to let them know what happened.”

“Yes. Of course. Um. You go. I’d like—actually, I’d like talk to you for a minute, Killian. If I could?”

His eyebrows rose in surprise, but he nodded. “Aye, if you wish. Emma, why don’t you take yourself and and the others straight to Granny’s and Regina and I will follow on foot. We’ll meet with you there in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

“Should I not come with you?” asked Robin, giving Killian a dubious look, clearly wondering if he could be trusted to keep Regina safe from whatever he imagined might threaten her. Regina’s tense expression softened.

“You can, though I really need to talk to Killian privately.”

“I’ll keep my distance,” Robin promised, narrowing his eyes at Killian. “But I’ll be there.”

Killian gave him a single brisk nod. Though it was very clearly not reciprocated he felt an odd kinship with Robin. After all, if anyone knew what it was to love a headstrong woman who took no care for her own safety it was he. Robin’s protectiveness may be unnecessary in this case but Killian understood all too well what drove it. “I’ve no objection,” he said.

“Okay.” Emma gave Killian’s hand a squeeze. “We’ll see you in a bit then.”

“Aye, love. See you soon.”

The noise in the diner was deafening and the scene chaotic as people shouted greetings from across the room and elbowed each other aside to get to friends and loved ones, exchanging hugs and handshakes and recounting their lives under this most recent curse at the very tops of their lungs. Snow caught sight of Red behind the counter and ran to greet her while Charming shook hands with the Merry Men and assured them that while no, he couldn’t say where Robin Hood was at that precise moment he was sure to be fine and show up soon.

Gradually the hubbub began to die down and Grumpy once again raised his voice.

“So you gonna tell us what happened with the curse?” he demanded. “Who is Zelena and why did she cast it?”

“Zelena is the Wicked Witch of the West, like we said before,” Charming replied.

“Really though? Like with the flying monkeys and the big crystal ball?” said Grumpy.

“Yes. We don’t know how she cast the curse or why, but Emma does and she’ll be here soon. Until then, can we just… just….” He trailed off as a peculiar noise filled the air, a low-pitched hum like a distant swarm of insects, accompanied by a prickling sensation against his skin. Voices began to rise again, in consternation this time.

“What is that?” growled Grumpy.

“I don’t know.” Charming’s eyes sought Snow’s and she came to stand next to him, slipping her hand into his.

“Feels like magic,” remarked Will Scarlet. “Magic sort of—loose in the air.”

“It does kind of feel like that,” Snow agreed. “I’ve felt it before, when Regina does a spell.”

The worried muttering increased, and Charming realised he was losing command of the situation.

“Look, nobody panic—” he began, just as the door opened and Belle burst through it.

“I don’t want to make anyone panic,” she said. “But there’s some sort of—something going on outside.”

There was a moment of silence, then a rush of noise as everyone ran to the windows.

“What the fuck?” snarled Grumpy. “Your Highnesses, you’d better come see this.”

This was like nothing any of them had seen before, or rather nothing they had even not seen before. A sort of sideways tornado, a swirl of distortion in the air, invisible, perceptible only in the way it bent and refracted the light around it. It twisted and twined its way through the sky over the town, heading towards the forest. They all stood together and watched it go, every breath bated and each heartbeat quickened as they waited anxiously for something they had no idea how to articulate, and then, abruptly, it was gone.

“Well,” said Charming heartily, attempting once again to regain control of the situation. “I guess that’s—well, that.”

“Sure, yeah,” said Will. “Of course. But also what the bloody hell was that?”

“I’m sure Emma can—”

“Yes, yes, Emma can explain, so you keep saying. But where is this Emma?”

“She’ll be here soon,” Charming insisted. “I promise. Until then, everyone please just stay calm.”

The muttering began again as the crowd milled anxiously around and Charming was just reflecting on how much easier it was to lead a war council than a mob of disgruntled citizenry when white smoke swirled in the middle of the diner and Emma appeared, Neal and Henry at her side.

Immediately the crowd erupted with a roar of noise, shouting questions and demanding answers. Emma ignored them, hurrying over to her parents with Henry close behind.

“Grandma!” he cried, “Grandpa! I missed you guys!”

Snow and Charming folded Henry into a double-hug, and Charming caught Emma’s eye over the top of his head.

“You guys okay?” she asked.

“We’re fine. Everyone else though...” He nodded to the crowd behind her. “Well, you remember that reassurance you were going to give everyone? Now’s the time.”

“Right.” Emma turned to face the crowd. “Everyone!” she shouted. “Hey! Can you all please shut up for a minute!”

The noise quieted as inquiring faces turned towards her. “Good,” she said. “Okay. Now I’m sure you all have a lot of questio—”

“Is it true that Zelena is the Wicked Witch of the West?” shouted Grumpy.

“Yeah and why’d she curse us?” Sneezy piped up.

“Oh and why—”

“How do we—”

“When can I—”

“ENOUGH!” Charming’s voice boomed through the diner. “Let her speak!”

Grumpy opened his mouth again then closed it with an audible click of his teeth as Emma and Charming shot him identical glares. “Yes,” said Emma, “it’s true that Zelena is the Wicked Witch of the West. She cast the curse to get revenge on her sister. Regina.”

Shocked silence fell, broken just before it grew uncomfortable by Granny’s mutter. “The Evil Queen and the Wicked Witch are sisters? That’s a Thanksgiving dinner I would not want to be at.” Several people nodded their agreement, and then Grumpy piped up again.

“So if Zelena cast the curse to get back at Regina, then the curse is actually kind of Regina’s fault even though she didn’t technically cast it,” he said. “Right?”

“No,” said Emma.

“But if it weren’t for her Zelena may never have—”

“Okay maybe a little,” Emma interrupted, holding tight to her patience. “But the point is Regina didn’t cast the curse, and also she actually contributed a lot to breaking it.”

“But—”

“No going after Regina, Leroy,” said Emma firmly. “She’s on our side now and I for one would like to keep her there. She’s a lot more useful as an ally than an enemy.”

“Fine,” grumbled Grumpy, and Emma extended her stern glare to the rest of the crowd. “Everyone got that?” she said, raising her voice so they all could hear. “No mobs. This curse was not Regina’s doing and Zelena is being dealt with. Just—let me handle it, okay?”

No one replied.

“Okay?” Emma repeated, louder still, and the crowd grumbled reluctant agreement.

“Okay. Now, I know you must still have a lot of questions and so I’d like to propose that we all take a few days to calm down and think about what we want to do now that this curse is broken. I’m guessing a lot of you are going to want to change jobs, maybe find a new place to live. Think about it, and in a day or two we’ll have a town meeting to talk things out. Is that okay?” She turned inquiringly to Snow.

“Um.” Snow looked startled. “You’re asking me?”

“Well, you are still the acting mayor,” Emma pointed out.

“Huh. I guess I am.” She nodded. “That sounds like a good plan to me. All agreed?”

There was a chorus of “ayes” and “yeses” and “I guess sos” and Emma smiled. “Good. Everyone go back home now, and if you see Regina remember no mobs.” She turned back to her parents with a relieved smile. “Ugh, I’m glad that’s done. I don’t know about you guys but I am dying for some onion rings and mint ice cream. Ooh, and maybe some pickles.”

Regina took her time walking to Granny’s. Killian let her set the pace, clearly content to allow her what time she needed to collect her thoughts. They walked side by side with Robin trailing several feet behind, and Regina took advantage of the chance to look around. The streets were empty, and exactly the same as they had been before. The OG SB, as she imagined Henry would say. Curse 1.0. Her curse.

She shifted her shoulders uncomfortably, trying to ease the tension in them.

“So,” she said.

“So,” Killian echoed.

“So, ah, things might get a little unpleasant. At Granny’s. After the last curse broke, the townspeople were out for blood.”

“Your blood, I presume?”

“Yes.”

She could feel his eyes on her, observing with curiosity but no censure. “And you’re worried they will be again?”

She nodded. “I’m sure Emma will tell them I wasn’t the one who cast it this time, but—well, there are going to be a lot of angry people. And confused ones.”

“And anger and confusion are a bad combination,” Killian concluded. “Aye. That’s a recipe for mutiny.” She glanced at him and saw his mouth twist with an expression she couldn’t read. She wondered what he could be thinking of.

They walked another block before he spoke again.

“There are likely to be people out for my blood as well,” he said. “There generally are. And Emma’s parents… well…”

“Yeah.”

“Dave will be wanting my head, no doubt. And likely other parts of my anatomy as well.” He raised a wry eyebrow and her mouth curved in an answering smile. “Emma will fight for me, but I doubt that will do much to appease their shock.”

Regina nodded, her throat too tight to speak. Emma will fight for me, he said, with a casual assurance that floored her. She couldn’t imagine what that must feel like, to have such complete faith in someone’s love for you.

“Regina.” She looked up to find him watching her with an odd expression, understanding and almost kind. “You know that Emma will stand up for you as well,” he said. “As will I. For whatever that’s worth.”

She smiled. “It’s worth a lot.”

They walked in silence for a few moments more. “I sense that wasn’t all you wished to speak to me about,” Killian remarked.

“No.”

He turned to her with an encouraging look. “Well?”

“Do you—do you think they’ll ever really accept you? Snow and Charming, I mean. Do you think they’ll ever truly see you as part of their family?”

“I don’t know. I hope they will. But perhaps the most important thing I have learned about this whole redemption business is that you can’t change the past or control other people’s reaction to it. Perhaps they never will accept me, and I can’t force them to. All I can do is apologise for the wrongs I’ve done and make what amends I can, and try to live better in the future than I have in the past.”

“And what if you lost Emma? You’d still try to do that? You wouldn’t—er—”

“Fall back into darkness again?” Killian’s jaw was tight, his hand clenching and unclenching at his side. “No. I wouldn’t.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Emma wouldn’t want me to, and even if she were gone I couldn’t bear to disappoint her. But it’s more than just that. I hated who I became, after my brother died and then Milah… I loathed myself for all the things I was doing but that only drove me to do more, worse things. I didn’t know how to make myself stop. ‘This is who you are now,’ I remember thinking. ‘This is the only way for you to be.’ And that, as I’m quite certain you understand, my Queen, is a terrible way to feel. It’s a terrible way to live.”

Regina swallowed hard. “Yes.”

“I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I didn’t want to live that life. Emma merely gave me an opportunity to walk a different path, showed me the way back to the man I had been long ago, a man I almost lost to vengeance. But I would still have wanted to be that man, for my own sake, even if Emma never came to love me.”

He turned to her with an earnest expression, one she could imagine a young naval lieutenant may once have worn. “You have to want it for yourself, Regina, not for anyone else. If you’re trying to change for another person you’ll always resent it, and them. Do it for yourself alone. Do it because it’s the right thing to do, and because you deserve to be able to look at yourself in the mirror without shame. I’d like to think we all deserve that. Or at least a chance at achieving it.”

"Thank you,” she said. “I’ll think about that.” He’d given her a lot to think about. But Granny’s sign was looming less than a block away, and she still needed one thing more of him.

“Can I ask you a favour?”

“Of course.”

“This curse of Zelena’s... I still can’t quite figure it out. It was weird in a way I’ve never even heard of before, almost like it was, I don’t know, sentient almost. Like it could act for itself.”

“Hmmm. What makes you think that?”

Regina frowned, trying to recall the exact words that had triggered her bizarre theory. “Zelena told me once she had spies and alarms everywhere, and she certainly always seemed to know what was going on but I never saw anyone actually working for her. Or anything. I don’t think any of her, er, flying monkeys were even here.”

“So you think she meant the curse itself was her spy.”

“Yes. Does that sound crazy?”

“Not at all. This curse certainly had some peculiar qualities. There was that wind, for example, the way it seemed to follow us around.”

“Yes! And the way I always felt I was being watched.”

“I suppose there’s no chance of getting Zelena to tell us, now she’s defeated.”

“Probably not, though I plan to do my best to get it out of her. But who knows how long that might take, so in the meantime do you think you could write down everything you remember about it?”

“Aye, of course I can. I’ll make a log of my observations, and Henry’s as well. His input will be more useful than mine since he knew the old Storybrooke far better than I did.”

“That would be perfect. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

They reached the gate of the diner and paused for a moment beneath the arch to allow Robin to catch up with them. When he did, all three exchanged a glance, and Robin took Regina’s hand.

“Well,” said Regina. “Here goes nothing.”

Emma sat herself on a stool at the counter and placed her order with Granny, whose eyebrows rose almost to her hairline as she wrote it down.

“I’ll get that for you right away,” she said with a probing look that Emma entirely failed to notice. She tapped her fingers absently on the formica countertop, smiling as she watched Henry greet all the people still in the diner and tell them eagerly all about how he had helped break the curse.

“So,” beamed Snow, taking Emma’s hand and letting her thumb trail significantly across the ring on it. “Congratulations, you two.” She turned her head so her smile encompassed Neal as well. “I’m so glad you found each other again and can be a family.”

“Ah,” said Emma, glancing at Neal. He gave her a shrug, and a smirk. “Um, actually—”

“But when did it happen?” Snow was frowning now. “My memories of the curse are really foggy, but weren’t you both here the whole time? When did you have a chance to get married?”

“Mom, it’s not actually—”

“Who got married?” asked David, coming over to join them. “Emma?”

“Yeah, actually I married—”

A broad grin broke across David’s face and he took Neal’s hand and shook it enthusiastically. “Should I give you my protective father speech now, or is it too late for that?”

Considering our kid is nearly fourteen and was born when I was hardly older than he is now, I’d say yeah it’s a bit too late, Emma thought irritably. “Dad—”

“We’ll have to have a celebration, of course,” said David, and Snow nodded eagerly. Emma felt the situation spinning rapidly out of her control and Neal, true to form, was being no help at all.

“GUYS,” she shouted, drawing reproachful looks from Bashful and Doc, who were at the other end of the counter. “Please would you just listen.”

Snow and David's jaws dropped in unison, and Emma seized her advantage. “I’m not married to Neal,” she told them firmly.

“But the ring—” Snow began.

“You’re still not listening, Mom! I’m not married to Neal.”

Comprehension began to dawn on her parents’ faces. “But… who then…” stuttered Snow.

Neal’s smirk deepened, and Emma took a deep breath just as the bell on the door chimed and Killian appeared, trailed by Regina and Robin. His eyes found hers immediately and she sent him a pleading look.

“Killian,” she informed them, reaching out her hand to grasp his hook as he approached. “I’m married to Killian.”

“What?” Snow cried.

“Who?” asked David.

Neal chuckled. “Hook,” he said.

“Hook—” David frowned in confusion.

“Aye, mate.” Killian came to stand behind Emma, his feet braced firmly on the floor and his jaw set.

“Wait, wait…” David shook his head. “You’re married… to Hook?”

“To Killian, yes. For over a year now.” Emma slid off the stool and positioned herself in front of her husband, directly between him and her father, planting her own feet as David’s jaw worked and his eyes flashed.

“But he’s… he’s…”

“Don’t say ‘a pirate,’” sighed Emma. “Please. You always say that like it’s the worst thing anyone could ever be, and it’s really not.”

“I mean, it’s not great,” said Neal.

“And anyway he isn’t one anymore,” Emma continued, ignoring him. “He traded his ship for a magic bean so that he could find me in New York and bring back my memories, and now he owns a bookstore.”

“He traded his ship?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Aye, mate, really.”

“For Emma?”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Emma,” said Killian, trying to infuse his words with all the weight of the emotions behind them. “I love her.”

David’s jaw relaxed a fraction, and his glare grew slightly less murderous.

“So hold on,” Snow said, placing a soothing hand on David’s arm. “Let me try to understand this. Are you saying you two weren’t cursed?”

“He wasn’t. I kind of was? It’s hard to explain,” said Emma. “Or, I guess not hard so much as long.”

“We have time,” said David, crossing his arms over his chest.

Emma sighed. “Okay. So basically, Killian learned that I was in danger in New York and he did what he had to do to get to me as soon as possible. He restored my memories and together we figured out what the danger was, and in the process we learned that Storybrooke must be back. I decided to come here to investigate. He didn’t want me to, but I insisted. As soon as I crossed the town line Zelena appeared in the middle of the road and when I swerved to avoid her I hit a tree and was knocked unconscious. While I was out she dosed me with a powder that had a similar effect to the curse. It took my memories away and gave me new ones. Of course I didn’t know any of this until I managed to break through the effects of the powder and remember everything again.” She shivered as she recalled how awful it had been, believing herself married to Walsh. Unable to remember Killian when she was awake, or even give him much useful information in their dreams.

“It took Killian a year to make the preparations he needed so that he could get into Storybrooke undetected by any magic, and during that time he lived in New York and took care of Henry. He had to learn all about how our world works, how to drive a car and use a computer and run a business. He did that all by himself because I wasn’t there with him, because I didn’t listen when he told me to wait.” Her voice broke as tears began to flow down her cheeks. Snow moved to comfort her but Emma waved her mother away, instead leaning into Killian when he wrapped his arm around her waist.

“He never gave up on me, though,” she continued, “and when the time was right he came to Storybrooke, helped bring my memories back again, and then figured out what we needed to do to break the curse.”

“He took care of Henry?” David’s expression had softened to something very nearly not hostile, just on the edge of accepting.

“Yeah, Grandpa.” The diner had gone silent as Emma told her tale, and now Henry came to stand next to Killian, pressing close against his side. “He’s my dad. Stepfather, technically, but my dad in every way that counts.”

Killian found himself swallowing over a lump in his throat, and blinking back tears, and the next words he heard nearly ended him.

“He saved my life,” Neal said quietly.

Every eye in the room turned to stare, and Neal, for once, did not smirk. “In the sheriff’s station, earlier today,” he explained. “Zelena and Hook and me both pinned down, and I couldn’t breathe. Emma was headed for Hook, to save him, and he told her no, she needed to save me first. If he hadn’t done that, I’d be dead.”

Slowly the eyes shifted their focus, fixing on Killian, who flushed bright red. “I was never in any true danger,” he said gruffly. “Some time ago, Emma placed a number of protection spells around me. They’ve proven remarkably effective against Zelena’s magic. I knew I could withstand whatever she threw at me, but Neal could not. That’s, er, why.”

“You still saved his life,” said Snow. “Whatever the reason.”

“Well, yes. I mean of course I did,” said Killian, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Why wouldn’t I?”

David’s face was stern but his eyes warm as he uncrossed his arms and held out his hand. “Welcome to the family,” he said. “Killian.”

Some time later, after Emma had finished her peculiar meal and was tucked into a booth chatting with Henry and her parents, Killian found himself at the counter again, this time with a tumbler of rum and his thoughts, when Neal appeared at his side.

“So, I guess I owe you thanks,” he said.

“I told you, I was never in any danger.”

“Still. Thanks.”

Killian turned to him, unsure whether to feel hurt or angry or something else entirely. “Do you really think I’d allow you to be killed if it was in my power to prevent it?” he asked. “Really?”

Neal shrugged. “I mean, we’ve certainly had our differences. In Neverland, and then with Emma. You might want me out of the way.”

Killian raised an eyebrow. “Because of Emma? I can assure you there is no need.”

“Yeah, trust me man, I’ve picked up on that.” Neal accepted a beer from Granny and stared at it in silence for a moment. “You really love her, then?”

“Aye. I do.”

Neal nodded. “I can see it. In her too. She loves you, and so does Henry. And I—I’m really trying not to be an asshole here, but I gotta be honest. It feels like you’ve stolen my family. Again.”

Killian took a gulp of his rum. “I do understand how it might appear that way from where you’re standing, though I promise you there was no theft involved. Either time.” He cast Neal a challenging look. “You wouldn’t ever let me tell you about your mother, in Neverland. Are you willing to listen now?”

Neal’s mouth twisted. “Will it help?”

“I suppose that depends on the way you listen.”

“I don’t know if there’s any good way to listen to you talk about her.” Neal retorted. “You realise that you’ve fucked both my mother and the mother of my kid. Do you have any idea how weird that is for me?”

“I absolutely do.”

“It’s just—it’s gonna take me a while. And I’m not making any promises. I don’t owe you anything and you sure as hell don’t seem to feel you owe me. Did you think about me at all when you were moving in on Emma?”

“No, I didn’t. Because I never ‘moved in on Emma’ as you so charmingly put it. And because my relationship with her has nothing to do with you.”

“Then why did you promise to back off?”

“At the time I didn’t know just how connected Emma and I truly are. I knew how I felt, and that there was potential that someday she might feel the same. But I also knew that putting pressure on her to make a choice between us when she’d only just rescued Henry, and when not very long before she’d thought you were dead, well, there was no way that could end well for me. And as I told you then, I intended to play a very long game if necessary.”

“Not that long though, was it,” Neal sneered.

“Some of the longest years of my life, being separated from her,” muttered Killian to the last drops of his rum. “Especially this last one.” He glared at Neal. “I meant that promise when I made it. But truthfully, when I learned about the way things ended between you—how you left her by choice when all I wanted was to stay by her side forever—I regretted it.”

“I didn’t—I didn’t have a choice.”

“I understand that’s what you think. But your abandonment hurt Emma deeply in ways she still sometimes struggles with. And I find that very nearly unforgivable. If it were anyone else, Bae, anyone at all, I wouldn’t even try. But for the memory of your mother and of the boy you were, and for Henry’s sake, I am prepared to wipe the slate clean. If you will as well.”

Neal snorted. “Why should I?”

“Just because you and Emma aren’t romantically involved, that doesn’t mean you can’t be part of her life, and Henry’s. They both care about you, as do I.”

“So you want me to be part of your sweet little family?”

“I have wanted that for literal centuries.”

Neal’s scowl deepened as he fiddled with a loose bit of formica on the tabletop. “Tell me about my mother,” he growled.

“She loved you,” Killian replied. “That’s the main thing you need to know. She thought about you every day, told me stories of you all the time. But she was not the sort of person who was really cut out to be a parent. Can you understand that? How she could love you deeply and still not be able to be a good mother to you?”

“I—” Neal frowned, thinking of himself, and Henry. “I think maybe I can.”

"She was desperately unhappy in the life she had before we met. I’ve done some reading on the subject and I believe she suffered from what the psychiatry of this realm calls ‘clinical depression.’ She felt hopeless to the point of despair, and though she tried to disguise it with carousing in the tavern and seeking any sort of distraction from her feelings she could find, she knew deep down that it could never be enough. She was worried that her pain would drag you down too, and she couldn’t bear to see that happen. She thought that by leaving you with a loving father who would give you the best life he could that she was giving you your best chance, and she hoped very much that when you were older she could seek you out and you might allow her a place in your life again. I’m so terribly sorry that never came to pass.”

“So you can barely forgive me leaving Emma for her own good, but you justify my mother leaving me for mine?” Neal snarled.

“The circumstances aren’t entirely the same, but I take your point. I understand you find it difficult to forgive your mother, and me. But make no mistake, Neal, Milah intended to escape her life, one way or the other. I offered her a preferable alternative to some of the others she was considering, and I like to think she was as happy with me as she could have been. Sometimes there are no good options available and you simply have to take the least bad one.”

“Like I have to choose between hanging around here and watching you be happy with my ex, or leaving and not seeing Henry anymore.”

“Aye. Like that.”

Silence fell between them again, heavy with resentment. Neal drank deeply from his beer, his knuckles white around the handle of the mug. When it was empty he set it forcefully on the counter and turned to face Killian.

“I’ll take that clean slate,” he said. “I’m definitely not saying I’m ready for us to be happy families, okay, and I might never be, but I’m tired of holding on to this anger. And hey, if you can stop being angry anyone can, right?”

Killian nodded, swallowing over the lump in his throat. “Aye. I’d say they can.”

Epilogue coming soon! (like later tonight soon!) LINK TO THE EPILOGUE

@thisonesatellite @ohmightydevviepuu @katie-dub @kmomof4 @teamhook @stahlop @mariakov81 @snowbellewells @thejollyroger-writer @jennjenn615 @tiganasummertree @lfh1226-linda @winterbaby89 @ultraluckycatnd @resident-of-storybrooke

#cs ff #cs ff au #cs fic #captain swan #their way by moonlight #happy endings #and beginnings too

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memory-for-trifles · 4 years

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Best of 2019

Deadwood: The Movie

Oh, Deadwood.

I, like most of us I suspect, struggle to write objectively about the things I love, and there's no way I can write about this movie with anything approaching objectivity. Deadwood was a show I watched at exactly the right age and time in my life and it transcended TV to become something closer to a spiritual guide. There is no plot analysis or real criticism here.

Because this movie, as the Log Lady would proclaim about a slice of pie, is a miracle. That the cast is (mostly) all here, old and beautiful, is a miracle. That David Milch is here and writing it is a miracle. That I am the person I am now and have grown in all the ways I've grown since 2011 is a miracle.

Matt Zoller Seitz said of this movie that it's like having long-dead friends come back in a dream to say goodbye. I was one of the few that was satisfied by Deadwood's unexpected series ending (perhaps because I knew that, famously, it was cancelled abruptly with no planned finale), but to see it back again, just for an hour or two longer, was a joy.

The Star wedding, the happy Bullock family, Alma and her daughter, Sophia and Caroline standing out in the snow...what a gift to all of us in any year.

The Terror

Ah, what to say about my favorite show I watched this year. Trying to describe it to a friend I said that it's its own self-contained winter world of kindness and death and personal crucibles. That is escapism, in its own weird way: that we as viewers can slip off into an Arctic expedition far away from the populated world, however doomed it is. For a show that circles around and around death, and doesn't try to hid the fact that death is the ultimate end for this crew, it's a strangely uplifting show. The way people choose to face death and the way they treat each other in extremis has meaning, even if nobody knows why.

The Terror also has possibly the most beautiful ending shot of any series I've seen; there are so few elements present, but somehow each is packed with a narrative. It tells an eloquent and beautiful story with no dialogue and next to no movement at all. Gorgeous.

Mad Men

Yeah yeah, I was very late to the party. What can be said about the show so many have written about, eulogized, and analyzed more than I ever could? Maybe it's enough to say that I enjoyed sinking into its narrative, and seeing all the clothing. Also I was pretty depressed while I was watching this and it made me feel better to watch Don be a hotter mess than I ever could be while still being #relatable. Love that Sally, love that Joan, loved watching Pete get his ass whupped that one time.

Chernobyl

The unexpected Jared Harris hat trick! You go Jared Harris, with your face that apparently was meant for any other decade but this one!

Anyway, Chernobyl was very stressful but a tight and effective narrative. As someone who grew up so close to a nuclear power plant that we had free potassium iodide pills provided by the state in the house, it had an extra little frisson of horror. Rock-solid acting, absolutely flawless set design, and the very graceful solution of having the actors use their own accents but keeping all the text and signage Cyrillic. Special shoutout to the companion podcast that elaborated on what was fictional, what was historically true, and what was an amalgamation of the two.

#deadwood #the terror #mad men #chernobyl #deadwood the movie

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office-of-eden · 5 years

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Little My moves in

Now, before I start getting into these Moominvalley analysis posts, i do want to say that I have only seen this 2019 Moomins. I haven’t read any of the books or seen any of the other shows, and I want to keep that way for the time being. It’s mostly so i can stay surprised when certain things happen. Any knowledge that i do know from the books or anime I only know because of Tumblr. With that all out of the way, let’s begin. This all will take place under the read more. It’s a little long, so be prepared.

The show starts off with this lovely song called Starlight by ALMA

This first scene in particular is rather interesting to Moomintroll’s character, but otherwise doesn’t hold very much weight to the episode its self. It shows Moomin troll opening his window on a spring day, and he see’s Snorkmaiden sitting on top of a pink cloud.

It shows them floating around all over the valley, mainly around Moomintroll’s parents and over a river. The dream quickly becomes a nightmare when Snorkmaiden becomes cloud herself, and eventually the cloud evaporates, only to have Moomintroll fall down to the earth below.

Now, because I was curious, I went a head and looked up what exactly the pink cloud was in the books. Apparently this magic hat can transform ordinary items into extra-ordinary ones. They put some eggshells into the hat and it turned into pink clouds.

This might not have anything to do with this new show at all, but my personal theory is that the pink cloud was representing change in of itself. Both good change and bad change. Though this change that he’s so worry about may have to do with Snorkmaiden and Moomintroll’s feelings for her, since she was the main focus in that scene. Though i have a feeling that this beginning scene will play a more important roll in the future, rather than now. So, let’s move on.

It turns out that scene was just a dream, as Moomintroll is startled awake by the sound of knocking. He ends up knocking over a picture of himself and his parents.

What i find strange is when moomintroll picks up the picture, and says “You need to start standing up for yourself.” Weather that has to do with dream he just had or the knocking, i personally do not know.

Moomintroll then wakes his parents up from their own hibernation to find out who is at the door. Though i do have to take a moment to appreciate Moomintroll looking away for his father to get dressed, only to see him strip down naked. Apparently, clothes are only acceptable to sleep in for moomins.

Moominpapa goes to answer the door, only to find it’s the Mymble and all of her children.

We find out that Mymble is always so busy with her little kids, and she finally decided to take a well deserved rest by visiting Moominpapa, Moominmama, and Moomintroll. She sees Moomintroll and calls him Mama and papa’s “little one.”

This defiantly bothered Moomin because we see him get on his tip toes to appear taller and stretch out his hand, only to have Mymble ruffle the top of his hand, and we see an annoyed look on Moomin’s face.

Mama invites Mymble into the house for some tea, where her kids immediately run rampant.

Now, I don’t necessarily think Mymble is a bad parent entirely. I think she loves her kids, but she clearly doesn’t entirely know how to rain them in when they’re somewhere that isn’t home. She doesn’t know how to properly take care of so many children.

Next we see Papa and Moomin hiding from the kids, and papa suggests Moomin take the kids to his room to play. Again, this annoys Moomin because he feels like he’s being treated like a child rather than an adult.

After the kids chase Moomintroll into a corner, we see a door open and a shadow coming forward. Who is this new comer?

It’s Little My

She says she speaks for all of the kids, which tells me that she may be the oldest of the group. She even dresses different than the others, but that may of just how the animators made her a bit more distinct.

Moomintroll trys to introduce himself, and immediately gets bitten by Little My. I think we already can see how this relationship will be played out.

After a cute/terrifying interaction between the two, moomintroll goes and runs off, and Little My has the kids “hunt” him. Absolutely terrifying choice of words there. we have a Montague of him getting chase down, and then Moomin having a break down afterwards.

The whole family then comes together to come up with a giant lie to get the Mymble and her children to leave their house.

We see the family making their house look like it would in the summer, and in comes the song Summer Days by Tom Odell

We see the lie beginning to work, until Little My intervene by giving her mom some coco.

The family continues with their lie, by building the “midsummer bonfire.” The parents disappear only for little my to jump out of log in front of Moomintroll.

Little My sees right through their bullshit. She asks Moomin why he doesn’t just tell them to go, and Moomin says that wouldn’t be kind. Little My thinks it would be easier to just tell them to go.

here we can see the vast difference in both of their characters. Moomintroll doesn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. He would rather spare them a heartache. Though he clearly isn’t above tricking other people. As long as he spares their feelings, what harm is really done? My, on the other hand, is the opposite. She isn’t afraid to hurt other people’s feelings. Now, she won’t outright lie to people. She is very blunt, and will tell people how she feels. There’s no point in lying to save someone’s feelings, they need to know the truth no matter how much it might actually hurt the other person.

She even tells Moomintroll that he needs to stand up for himself. Moomintroll pretty much refuses to do that. So, Little my promises not to tell her mother, instead she tells the hemulen. The Mymble finds out she was being bamboozled.

Moomin has had the last straw though when My decides to take his room. Moomin leaves to “start anew.” This further cements just how much Moomin is afraid of hurting other people’s feelings. Instead of standing up for himself, he decides to just leave entirely. He goes and walks off into the woods with his father’s toolbox.

We see Moomintroll begin to build his house. It isn’t very good.

My shows up to the building sight, and after a small interaction between the two, involving My trying to get Moomin to come home, the house sinks into the sand.

This is joy to My, as she thinks it’s hilarious what lengths Moomintroll will go to just to avoid telling someone no. Thing is, it is hilarious. Moomintroll would rather build himself a new house, then to tell their “guests” to get the fuck out.

Finally. FINALLY!

Moomintroll stands up for himself. He tells My all the terrible things she has down, and slowly he realizes that My isn’t in his room any more.

He shoves My into a paint can and runs home. My is rather happy about Moomin standing up for himself, but she is determined on not getting that room back.

We see the two running through the woods, practically chasing each other the entire time.

Once they finally reach the room, the find the Mymble and her kids in the room. She says that room is a perfect place for the kids to run riot and she can go get some peace and quiet. Now only the Mymble and kids are happy with this situation. Nobody else.

Now we get a cute interaction between Moomin and My

They come to terms with one another. My explains she has never had her own room, and that she had to disappear into any nook to get some peace. Moomin offers to make a new house. My says Moomin’s house isn’t for her, and Moomin explains that he “wasn’t thinking of you.” My has the idea of building a new house, but she chooses where to build.

Queue a montage of the two building the house together. the two has officially came together, almost understanding one another. They end up building a pretty decent house for one another on top of a rock.

They bring the moominparents and the My mother to the house to reveal it’s a new home for her and the little one’s.

We see the Mymble and the kids instantly loving it, and then we find out that the rock is actually a turtle. Making the home a “mobile home.”

We see the moomin’s preparing to go back into hibernation... and that should be that.

but of course it isn’t.

We find out that My decided to stay with the Moomins. Thus making the title make even more sense. Little My moves in.

She reveals that it’s officially spring in the morning. Then she says that a “Little bird told me there’s someone special that calls in the spring. Now what was his name?”

Then we get a shot of Moomin sitting, and we see a picture sitting behind him.

Now, we all know who this “special someone” is. That was defiantly set up to feel like a cliff hanger. Who is this special someone in Moomin’s life? That will be someone i will get more into in the next analysis post.

This episode was certainly a nice set up for the story. This show in of itself is in all honesty about his relationships with other people. It’s even set up to be about Moomintroll’s worldview versus other people’s worldview. Moomintroll has lived a rather sheltered life for the most part. That isn’t to say he’s completely innocent and naive, but there he is much more caring than most protagonist in stories. He isn’t accustomed to change very well. The only changes he really knows is the seasons. That is something that will hopefully become relevant in later episodes or seasons. This episode was about standing up for yourself, which Moomintroll isn’t entirely use to doing yet.

Now, there isn’t really a whole lot to say about this first episode, due to it being more so about introducing us to our main cast. Though it’s funny. This “special someone” is defiantly apart of the main cast, but he wasn’t in this first episode, but he mentioned in the end, and the next episode is pretty much his episode.

And that one is a real treat.

But I’ll be getting to that in the next post.

If anyone has any of their own thoughts and opinions please be sure to share them with me!

#moominvalley #moomin #moomintroll #little my #moominmamma #moominpapa #Mymble #snufkin #moomins

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mzminola · 4 years

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Girl Detective! Ace Detective!

Sometimes you make an OC for a self-indulgent fanfic, and then you drop that OC into a different genre, and then you go “and what if he had a baby sister?” Rebecca has no psychic powers, but her parents still expect her to save the world, and she's spent way too much time in accelerated and gifted programs.

High School Rebecca is like, almost sixteen, doing a summer internship before starting senior year that involves data entry and analysis at Herald University (her parents’ alma mater) in Haven, the city her family moved away from when she was five right after her big sister died. Rebecca suspects her parents’ refusal to discuss what happened back then might not be so simple as grief, and is determined to get to the bottom of things.

College Rebecca has spent several years getting to know her Not Dead, Not A Girl big brother and experienced the absolute joy of watching her grandparents verbally rip her parents to pieces for TELLING EVERYONE ELI WAS DEAD.

Sidenote: accomplished cellist.

#brief misgendering of another character due to POV character's limited knowledge #Shitty Parenting Sci Fi Mode #honestly Rebecca's arc could make a decent YA sci fi mystery #I've had this character for two days and I love her #Min and the Dollmakers #Herald University AU

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livvyplaysfinalfantasy · 7 years

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The Man Forgotten: A Brief-as-Possible Analysis of Two Key Themes of Final Fantasy Tactics

Orran Durai: I know not what brings men joy. Of what drives them to great deeds, of what legacies they hope to leave, I know less yet. But I do know this: The true hero of this tale was the man forgotten.

I promised a writeup of some of the arcs and themes of Final Fantasy Tactics before XIV 4.1′s Return to Ivalice raid, and here it is. I acknowledge that this is only scratching the surface of the stories and ideas that this game has to offer. That said, I wanted to provide as succinct and coherent of a summary as possible without losing sight of why this game is so relevant and meaningful, even two decades after its initial release.

The plot of Final Fantasy Tactics is rich and vast, and there's no doubt that the game is meaningful in countless contexts and interpretations and lenses. For me, however, Tactics's story is defined best by a couple of key themes: history and privilege.

History

The game’s events are a glimpse into Ivalice's history at the behest of Arazlam Durai, a well-known scholar of his age. Arazlam is responsible for discovering the Durai Papers, which tell of secret historical records hidden in the vaults of the Church of Glabados that tell previously unknown secrets of the War of the Lions and the celebrated King Delita. In playing the game, your role is to help Durai uncover the truth of Ivalice's history, with a particular focus on one man who was branded a heretic by the Church: Ramza Beoulve.

As both you and Durai will discover, nearly every aspect of life in Ivalice at the time of the War of the Lions is built on some sort of falsehood, misconception, or omission.

The Church of Glabados, a key institution in Ivalice, actively regulates what people hear and believe. The greatest example of this is the existence of twelve auracite stones with the power to summon demons known as Lucavi. Though Church teachings state that Saint Ajora Glabados and his disciples used the stones to defeat demons known as the Lucavi, the stones contain the Lucavi themselves. The Church and its chosen leaders knowingly use their power for their own ends, until they are possessed and ultimately destroyed by the strength they meant to wield. So too was Saint Ajora - whose gender is called into question by the end of the game - ultimately possessed by one such Lucavi demon. These Lucavi are implied to be many of the same beings as XII’s Espers, albeit in different forms after centuries of imprisonment within the auracite.

The Corpse Brigade, the greatest threat to the public in the game's first chapter, were created after the nobility downplayed the involvement of the civilian militia in a previous war and denied promised reparations to these lowborn soldiers. This left an entire demographic in poverty and exacerbated many of the conditions that led to the War of the Lions to begin with.

King Delita, though regarded as a hero of and for the people, ultimately becomes as corrupt and twisted as the nobility he overthrew to obtain his throne.

It should be noted that unlike other Final Fantasy games, neither Tactics nor any of its successors in Ivalice make any definitive statement on proving or disproving the existence of the world’s god or gods. Though Saint Ajora is revealed to have been possessed by the Lucavi Ultima, he is a Messianic figure only. The game’s focus is on the effects of corruption, and on the ways humans both suffer and find joy even in a world where the truth is altered to suit the whims of the powerful.

Privilege

Now, for this. I started writing up an explanation of how Final Fantasy Tactics drives home the theme of privilege; I got four huge paragraphs done and realized I wasn't even halfway through describing the first of five chapters. So consider this an IOU for a future full-blown analysis of Final Fantasy Tactics through the lens of social justice. (No, seriously - hold me to this.)

Ramza Beoulve begins the story as a sixteen-year-old cadet at a prestigious military academy; he's the third son of a noble house, meaning that not much is expected of him other than to honor his family's name. His best friend Delita is lowborn, and though Delita has been raised alongside Ramza, Ramza's father makes it perfectly clear on his deathbed that Delita is meant to serve as Ramza's steward.

Poverty is rampant in Ivalice, and Ramza and Delita are sent into the field to deal with a particularly notorious band called the Corpse Brigade. The more battles Ramza and Delita see, the more they learn that Ivalice's widespread inequality is due to the greed of the noble class. So too do they meet Argath, a nobleman from an old but disgraced house who exhibits extreme hatred toward anyone of lower birth than him. As Argath openly despises those he deems "chattel" for their common blood and Delita grows more and more disillusioned fighting people whose goals he understands and shares, Ramza is stuck between the lowborn friend he's known all his life and the radical highborn he's befriended. As the Corpse Brigade collapses from within, one of its leaders goes off the rails and kidnaps Delita's (lowborn) sister Tietra, mistaking her for Ramza's (highborn) sister Alma. (Not even a lowborn man can distinguish his captive's social status, thus making the apparent divide between classes all the more absurd at face value.) When all else fails and the Corpse Brigade leader cannot be apprehended, Ramza's own brother orders Argath to shoot both the leader and Tietra, his hostage - and when Delita rushes to his sister's body, the fortress explodes behind him and he is believed dead.

In short, Ramza's determination to remain moderate in the face of social injustice cost at least one of his loved ones their lives.

This is the point from which Ramza's character truly begins to grow. Consumed by guilt and grief, he abandons his identity as a nobleman and makes a living as a mercenary, whereupon his travels grant him deeper insight into Ivalice's political and religious spheres and he learns once again just how deeply the lowborn are being misled and manipulated. Ramza only truly begins to be able to change Ivalice for the better, however, when he takes up the name "Beoulve" once again and accepts the social consequences for working against Ivalice's hierarcy: he is excommunicated from the church and branded a heretic, he is on the run for years, and he is effaced from history. Only through accepting his past as a nobleman and confronting the workings of his own family is he able to effect any real change in Ivalice.

This story is as relevant now as it has ever been, if not more so.

#Final Fantasy Tactics

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apostateangela · 4 years

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Neurotheology Part 2

I’ve spent a lot of time since that session reading research about the brain.

Hey, would you look at me now, turning to science?!

In my reading, I came across two terms: neurotheology and neuroplasticity.

Neurotheology is the study of what the brain does during “spiritual experiences”, or the study of the brain in connection with religion.

I am now engaged in neurotheology, using my own brain and what other Mormons have described as case studies.

I suspect I will be about this form of analysis for quite a long time.

As someone who works in education, I’d heard of neuroplasticity. It is the action of the mind during learning and the subsequent structure created in the brain by said learning. From one article called The Mind, the Brain, and God by Dr. Rick Hanson, an indisputable expert on the brain with deep credentials gives the following definition and examples:

Mental activity also sculpts neural structure, so changes in your mind can lead to lasting changes in your brain. This is learning and memory (as well as lots of other alterations in neural structure below the waterline of conscious awareness): in other words, neuroplasticity, most of which is humdrum, like remembering what you had for breakfast, or getting more skillful at chopsticks with practice.

Dr. Hanson is referring to that learning which creates habits. The neural pathways become well traveled and therefore your brain reinforces your learning within the actions of your body as well as memory.

Hanson and other experts discuss how the constant repetition and conditioning of religion in connection with the neuroplasticity of the brain creates not only reinforced thought patterns but also physical responses in connection with what the mind perceives as spiritual or connected to God. Hence, the overcoming ecstasy, speaking in tongues, some types of faith healing, and personal revelation from god--or what could feel like answers to prayers can be explained scientifically.

Here’s what this has to do with my brain. In the same way I explained in my tithing post, actually even more so, I was taught from the time I was three years old what the ‘Holy Ghost’ was supposed to feel like and how he brought the messages from God to humans on Earth.

At eight years old I was baptized and confirmed, which is an ordinance in which priesthood authority blesses/bestows you with the ‘gift’ of the Holy Ghost--meaning if I’m righteous the Holy Ghost is always with me; warning me, comforting me, revealing spiritual truth to me, forgiving me, guiding me, and as my go between with God.

The conditioning was the same: scripture, instruction in classes, family night instruction, music/hymns and primary songs, and seminary classes.

Here is a description about the Holy Ghost from True to the Faith, one of the handbooks of doctrine for LDS church members:

The Holy Ghost, a member of the Godhead, bears witness of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He is the source of personal testimony and revelation. He can guide us in our decisions and protect us from physical and spiritual danger. He is known as the Comforter, and He can calm our fears and fill us with hope. Through His power, we are sanctified as we repent, receive saving ordinances, and keep our covenants. It is through the influence of the Holy Ghost that we receive knowledge of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and feel Their power, goodness, and love.

What’s that supposed to feel like--this Holy Ghost?

Well, it initially is described as a “burning in your bosom.” But just in case that doesn’t happen, here are other ways described in Preach My Gospel, the LDS Missionary Handbook (Complete with back up in the scriptures):

“The spirit of revelation typically functions as thoughts and feelings that come into our minds and hearts by the power of the Holy Ghost. (See D&C 8:1–2; 100:5–8.)” The Holy Ghost can speak to you through:

Feelings of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faith, or meekness (see Galatians 5:22–23).

Thoughts that occupy the mind or press on your feelings (see D&C 128:1).

A desire to do good and obey the commandments (see Mosiah 5:2).

A feeling that something is right (see D&C 9:8).

Feelings of comfort (see John 14:26).

Feelings that “enlarge [your] soul” (Alma 32:28).

Thoughts that “enlighten [your] understanding” (Alma 32:28).

A hunger for more truth (see Alma 32:28).

Feeling constrained (encouraged) to take an action or restrained (held back) from doing something (see 1 Nephi 7:15; 2 Nephi 32:7).

Hmmm, I don’t know if you’re picking up on this.

Basically, feeling the Holy Ghost could be linked to just about ANYTHING!

And just so you know, in every instance in my life that could be connected to the feelings and/or objectives/jobs of the Holy Ghost there was someone close to me to point out that I was experiencing the Spirit communicating with me in my heart and mind.

There have been innumerable instances where this has happened to me. I supposedly have ‘felt’ the spirit of the Holy Ghost, or the spirit of God, had a physical response, and had that experience validated by people close to me.

I’ve felt it so often it became ‘mundane’.

NEUROPLASTICITY!!!!

*Sigh*

Let me attempt to connect all these dots now, name the revelation:

In exploring my accountability for my past life and destructive marriage, I conclude that the powerful ‘spiritual’ experience that led me to believe God wanted me to marry John and reinforced that decision for twenty five years of abuse within that marriage was a direct result of my forty six plus year Mormon religious and cultural entrenchment with its targeted and incessant choreographed brain programming.

I didn’t know any better?

Does this mean it wasn’t my fault?

Can I say that?

Can I believe that?

See, here’s the thing; the horrible, true thing.

I don’t want to admit that none of it was my fault.

Because that makes me a victim.

And I don’t want to be a victim anymore.

But, I was a victim.

Wasn’t I?

I was victimized in the name of God,

over and over and over again, in mind, brain, and subsequently body.

From the moment I was born,

the umbilical was cut,

and then my eyes and my mouth were sewn shut.

How can I hate such a pitiful creature?

If I met such a person, I would have only deep pity

and desired hope for such a tragic survivor.

I can’t hate my past self.

She is me.

It is beyond remarkable that I can,

at this time in my life,

strip away the stitching and shut down the pathways of my brain

that control and thereby betray me.

The pain I have now comes from being stripped by the sharp edge of clarity.

I embrace it, with as much courage as I can muster.

I must admire such a feat,

Especially in myself.

Because the key word here is ‘WAS’.

I was a victim.

I am NOT any longer.

-Angela

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kingrajahofficialblog · 5 years

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TABLE OF CONTENTS Here is the list of all programing languages. A# .NET A-0 System A+ A++ ABAP ABC ABC ALGOL ABSET ABSYS ACC Accent Ace DASL (Distributed Application Specification Language) ACL2 ACT-III Action! ActionScript Actor Ada Adenine Agda Agilent VEE Agora AIMMS Aldor Alef ALF ALGOL 58 ALGOL 60 ALGOL 68 ALGOL W Alice Alma-0 AmbientTalk Amiga E AMOS AMPL AngelScript Apex APL App Inventor for Android's visual block language AppleScript APT Arc ARexx Argus AspectJ Assembly language ATS Ateji PX AutoHotkey Autocoder AutoIt AutoLISP / Visual LISP Averest AWK Axum Active Server Pages B B Babbage Ballerina Bash BASIC bc BCPL BeanShell Batch file (Windows/MSDOS) Bertrand BETA BLISS Blockly BlooP Boo Boomerang Bourne shell (including bash and ksh) BPEL Business Basic C C C-- C++ – ISO/IEC 14882 C* C# – ISO/IEC 23270 C/AL Caché ObjectScript C Shell (csh) Caml Cayenne CDuce Cecil Cesil Céu Ceylon CFEngine Cg Ch Chapel Charity Charm CHILL CHIP-8 chomski ChucK Cilk Citrine CL (IBM) Claire Clarion Clean Clipper CLIPS CLIST Clojure CLU CMS-2 COBOL – ISO/IEC 1989 CobolScript – COBOL Scripting language Cobra CoffeeScript ColdFusion COMAL Combined Programming Language (CPL) COMIT Common Intermediate Language(CIL) Common Lisp (also known as CL) COMPASS Component Pascal Constraint Handling Rules (CHR) COMTRAN Cool Coq Coral 66 CorVision COWSEL CPL Cryptol Crystal Csound CSP Cuneiform Curl Curry Cybil Cyclone Cython D D DASL (Datapoint's Advanced Systems Language) Dart Darwin DataFlex Datalog DATATRIEVE dBase dc DCL Delphi DinkC DIBOL Dog Draco DRAKON Dylan DYNAMO DAX (Data Analysis Expressions) E E Ease Easy PL/I EASYTRIEVE PLUS eC ECMAScript Edinburgh IMP EGL Eiffel ELAN Elixir Elm Emacs Lisp Emerald Epigram EPL (Easy Programming Language) EPL (Eltron Programming Language) Erlang es Escher ESPOL Esterel Etoys Euclid Euler Euphoria EusLisp Robot Programming Language CMS EXEC (EXEC) EXEC 2 Executable UML Ezhil F F F# F* Factor Fantom FAUST FFP Fjölnir FL Flavors Flex FlooP FLOW-MATIC FOCAL FOCUS FOIL FORMAC @Formula Forth Fortran – ISO/IEC 1539 Fortress FoxBase FoxPro FP Franz Lisp F-Script G G Game Maker Language GameMonkey Script GAMS GAP G-code GDScript Genie GDL GJ GEORGE GLSL GNU E GM Go Go! GOAL Gödel Golo GOM (Good Old Mad) Google Apps Script Gosu GOTRAN GPSS GraphTalk GRASS Grasshopper Groovy H Hack HAGGIS HAL/S Halide (programming language) Hamilton C shell Harbour Hartmann pipelines Haskell Haxe Hermes High Level Assembly HLSL HolyC Hop Hopscotch Hope Hugo Hume HyperTalk Hexa I Io Icon IBM Basic assembly language IBM BASICA IBM HAScript IBM Informix-4GL IBM RPG Irineu IDL Idris Inform J J J# J++ JADE JAL Janus (concurrent constraint programming language) Janus (time-reversible computing programming language) JASS Java JavaFX Script JavaScript JCL JEAN Join Java JOSS Joule JOVIAL Joy JScript JScript .NET JSON Julia Jython K K Kaleidoscope Karel Karel++ KEE Kixtart Klerer-May System KIF Kojo Kotlin KRC KRL KRL (KUKA Robot Language) KRYPTON Korn shell (ksh) Kodu Kv L LabVIEW Ladder LANSA Lasso LaTeX Lava LC-3 Legoscript LIL LilyPond Limbo Limnor LINC Lingo LINQ LIS LISA Lisp – ISO/IEC 13816 Lite-C Lithe Little b LLL Logo Logtalk LotusScript LPC LSE LSL LiveCode LiveScript Lua Lucid Lustre LYaPAS Lynx M M (alternative name for the MUMPS programming language) M2001 M4 M# Machine code MAD (Michigan Algorithm Decoder) MAD/I Magik Magma Make Maude system Maple MAPPER (now part of BIS) MARK-IV (now VISION:BUILDER) Mary MASM Microsoft Assembly x86 MATH-MATIC Mathematica MATLAB Maxima (see also Macsyma) Max (Max Msp – Graphical Programming Environment) MaxScript internal language 3D Studio Max Maya (MEL) MDL Mercury Mesa Metafont MetaQuotes Language (MQL4/MQL5) MHEG-5 (Interactive TV programming language) Microcode MicroScript MIIS Milk (programming language) MIMIC Mirah Miranda MIVA Script ML Model 204 Modelica Modula Modula-2 Modula-3 Mohol MOO Mortran Mouse MPD Mathcad MSIL – deprecated name for CIL MSL MUMPS MuPAD Mutan Mystic Programming Language(MPL) N NASM Napier88 Neko Nemerle NESL Net.Data NetLogo NetRexx NewLISP NEWP Newspeak NewtonScript Nial Nice Nickle (NITIN) Nim NPL Not eXactly C (NXC) Not Quite C (NQC) NSIS Nu NWScript NXT-G O o:XML Oak Oberon OBJ2 Object Lisp ObjectLOGO Object REXX Object Pascal Objective-C Objective-J Obliq OCaml occam occam-π Octave OmniMark Onyx Opa Opal OpenCL OpenEdge ABL OPL OpenVera OPS5 OptimJ Orc ORCA/Modula-2 Oriel Orwell Oxygene Oz P P P4 P′′ ParaSail (programming language) PARI/GP Pascal – ISO 7185 PCASTL PCF PEARL PeopleCode Perl PDL Perl 6 Pharo PHP Pico Picolisp Pict Pig (programming tool) Pike PIKT PILOT Pipelines Pizza PL-11 PL/0 PL/B PL/C PL/I – ISO 6160 PL/M PL/P PL/SQL PL360 PLANC Plankalkül Planner PLEX PLEXIL Plus POP-11 POP-2 PostScript PortablE POV-Ray SDL Powerhouse PowerBuilder – 4GL GUI application generator from Sybase PowerShell PPL Processing Processing.js Prograph PROIV Prolog PROMAL Promela PROSE modeling language PROTEL ProvideX Pro*C Pure PureBasic Pure Data Python Q Q (equational programming language) Q (programming language from Kx Systems) Q# (Microsoft programming language) Qalb QtScript QuakeC QPL R R R++ Racket RAPID Rapira Ratfiv Ratfor rc REBOL Red Redcode REFAL Reia REXX Ring Rlab ROOP RPG RPL RSL RTL/2 Ruby RuneScript Rust S S S2 S3 S-Lang S-PLUS SA-C SabreTalk SAIL SALSA SAM76 SAS SASL Sather Sawzall Scala Scheme Scilab Scratch Script.NET Sed Seed7 Self SenseTalk SequenceL Serpent SETL SIMPOL SIGNAL SiMPLE SIMSCRIPT Simula Simulink Singularity SISAL SLIP SMALL Smalltalk SML Strongtalk Snap! SNOBOL (SPITBOL) Snowball SOL Solidity SOPHAEROS SPARK Speedcode SPIN SP/k SPS SQL SQR Squeak Squirrel SR S/SL Starlogo Strand Stata Stateflow Subtext SBL SuperCollider SuperTalk Swift (Apple programming language) Swift (parallel scripting language) SYMPL SystemVerilog T T TACL TACPOL TADS TAL Tcl Tea TECO TELCOMP TeX TEX TIE TMG, compiler-compiler Tom TOM Toi Topspeed TPU Trac TTM T-SQL Transcript TTCN Turing TUTOR TXL TypeScript Tynker U Ubercode UCSD Pascal Umple Unicon Uniface UNITY Unix shell UnrealScript V Vala Verilog VHDL Vim script Viper Visual Basic Visual Basic .NET Visual DataFlex Visual DialogScript Visual Fortran Visual FoxPro Visual J++ Visual J# Visual LISP Visual Objects Visual Prolog VSXu V++ W WATFIV, WATFOR WebAssembly WebDNA Whiley Winbatch Wolfram Language Wyvern X X++ X10 xBase xBase++ XBL XC (targets XMOS architecture) xHarbour XL Xojo XOTcl XOD (programming language) XPath XPL XPL0 XQuery XSB XSharp XSLT Xtend Y Yorick YQL Yoix Z Z notation Zebra, ZPL, ZPL2 Zeno ZetaLisp ZOPL Zsh ZPL Z++

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From the Lamont-Doherty Apple Observatory

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Wallace Broecker, a geochemist who accomplished key analysis into the history of earth’s altitude and humans’ access aloft it, died Feb. 18 in New York. He was 87. The annual was congestive affection failure, said his family. His afterlife was accepted by Columbia University’s Lamont-Doherty Apple Observatory, area he spent a career that spanned about 67 years.

One of the aboriginal scientists to adumbrate an approaching acceleration in earth’s temperature due to animal achievement of carbon dioxide, Broecker was accustomed with introducing the byword “global warming” into accurate dictionary in the 1970s. Abundant of his assignment focused on the oceans. Among added things, his studies of abyssal allure helped lay out the map of all-around ocean circulation, and its able furnishings on climate. His studies additionally helped lay the base for abounding added scientists’ assignment in a array of fields. Not agreeable to aloof do research, he fabricated accompany with and connected his access to able abstracts in government and business.

Broecker—universally accepted as Wally—at aboriginal fabricated an absurd scientist. Born Nov. 29, 1931, the additional of bristles children, he grew up in the Chicago suburb of Oak Park, Illinois. His father, additionally alleged Wallace, ran a gas station. His mother was the above Edith Smith. Both parents were evangelical Christians who alone avant-garde geologic approach for the accurate Biblical estimation that the apple is aloof a few thousand years old. They additionally forbade drinking, dancing and movies. Broecker abounding Illinois’ fundamentalist Christian Wheaton College, afresh the contempo alma academy of preacher Billy Graham. While still a student, he affiliated the above Grace Carder, and batten of acceptable an allowance actuary.

Broecker got aberrate afterwards an beforehand Wheaton apprentice helped him align a summer 1952 lab internship at what was afresh alleged Lamont Geological Observatory, in Palisades, N.Y. The apprentice was Paul Gast, who after went on to arch NASA’s moon-rock program. At Lamont, Broecker formed with J. Laurence Kulp, a geochemist accomplishing beat assignment on radiocarbon dating, a afresh advocate new adjustment that accustomed advisers to acquaint the ages of abstracts as far aback as 40,000 years.

By his own account, Broecker had fun tinkering with the lab equipment, and he was aflame by the anew wide-open adventitious to accomplish discoveries about attributes application carbon dating. He transferred to Columbia that abatement and kept alive with Kulp. The move appropriate he had alone at atomic some of his family’s religious beliefs; however, some added acceptance fabricated fun of his background, calling him a “theo-chemist.” While added acceptance were beatific on ocean analysis cruises, he was larboard off the account for his aboriginal eight years. Nevertheless, he becoming a PhD. in cartography in 1958 and backward around, gradually ascent to the aboriginal rank of prominence. In a 2016 account he alleged Lamont “my Garden of Eden.”

“My abundant joy in activity comes in accession article out,” he told The New York Times in 1998. “I amount article out about every six months or so, and I address about it and animate analysis on it, and that’s the joy of my life.”

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One of Broecker’s aboriginal achievements was a alternation of affidavit abolition the banal abstraction that it took tens of bags of years for baptize to broadcast amid bank and abysmal regions of the world’s oceans. His analyses of carbon isotopes calm by Lamont ships from about the apple showed that baptize could accomplish the about-face in aloof centuries—a analysis showed that the oceans are far added activating than ahead thought. This in about-face adumbrated that the oceans could potentially affect the agreement of the atmosphere, or vice-versa.

Starting in 1960, Broecker sailed on abounding of the world’s oceans and seas. In accession to sampling water, he maintained instruments, helped winch seafloor debris cores to the surface, and threw bang abdicate to aftermath explosions whose echoes were apprehend to blueprint the bottom. In the 1970s, he co-led a all-around diplomacy adjourned by the U.S. government to use a avant-garde array of trace metals, nutrients and isotopes of radioactive elements to map the apportionment of the abysmal ocean, the barter of gases with the atmosphere, and added abyssal processes. This aggregate assignment provided the underpinnings for about all after studies of abyssal chemistry, and the oceans’ accord to climate. It was Broecker who provided a active annotation for a documentary blur on the activity while on a cruise from Tahiti to San Diego. He acclimated accompanying geochemical methods to abstraction basin waters, sediments and rocks in Canada and the American West for clues about climates of the past, with a appropriate absorption in the comings and goings of ice ages.

Early on, Broecker became absorbed in how the oceans blot carbon dioxide from the air, and what furnishings this ability accept on climate. The history and behavior of atmospheric carbon dioxide were ailing accepted aback he started out, but by the aboriginal 1970s, added advisers had analyzed ice cores from the Greenland ice and apparent that they could clue levels of atmospheric CO2 through the abroad past. Assignment by others appropriate that college CO2 levels could be activated with periods of warming. And scientists had speculated aback the 19th aeon that ascent achievement of human-produced CO2 could potentially balmy the planet; some of Broecker’s contemporaries, including Charles Keeling of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, were already tracking CO2 levels in absolute time and because the effects.

In August 1975, Broecker actinic his and others’ accompanying analysis in the account Science in a allotment called”Climatic Change: Are We on the Brink of a Pronounced All-around Warming?” It was after said to be the aboriginal time the byword was acclimated in a accurate paper. In it, he argued that bodies were alteration the altitude by abounding CO2; it aloof wasn’t axiomatic yet, because the apple was experiencing what he believed was a accustomed 40-year cooling aeon that was appearance the effects. He predicted that the aeon would anon reverse, and afresh the counterfeit abating on top of that would become badly visible. It after affronted out that he had misinterpreted some of the ice-core data, but had the all-embracing account right. Appropriate on cue in 1976, temperatures started ascending, and accept connected aback afresh appealing abundant alternating the aisle Broecker laid out.

“Global warming” was bound adopted by the science world, including in the aboriginal all-embracing address on the subject, appear in 1979 by the U.S. National Academy of Sciences. Decades later, aback some accustomed Broecker with bogus the phrase, he shrugged it off as “dumb luck.” He warned that he would about-face over in his grave if addition put “global warming” on his tombstone. He already offered $200 to any apprentice who could acquisition an beforehand commendation for the phrase. (One postgrad did acquisition it in a 1958 beat in the Hammond Times of Indiana. It allegedly didn’t bolt on at that time.)

Broecker and a scattering of added scientists began conference government leaders on altitude change in the 1980s. He testified at the aboriginal aldermanic hearings ambidextrous with the subject, led in 1984 by afresh Tennessee Representative Al Gore. Over afterwards years, as the science advanced, Gore and added politicians afresh met with and consulted Broecker to accept him explain.

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In the mid-1980s Broecker actinic a admirable account of apple ocean circulation, based on his and others’ studies. He dubbed it “The Abundant Ocean Conveyor.” In simplest terms, it is a all-inclusive river of warm, bank baptize abounding from the south Pacific into the Indian Ocean, rounding Africa and afresh branch arctic through the Atlantic. Already it hits algid baptize from the Arctic, the baptize afresh cools and sinks abreast arctic Europe. From there, it loops through the abysm aback to the Pacific to warm, acceleration and activate the aeon again. The breeze is so huge, Broecker asserted, that it charge advice adapt all-around altitude by affective about all-inclusive amounts of calefaction from one abode to another. This abstraction anon became accepted consensus.

Broecker afresh put alternating the abstraction that the agent could aback about-face on and off, arch to desperate altitude shifts–not over millennia, as abounding had appear to think, but conceivably aloof decades. He acicular to an allegedly accelerated cooling some 12,000 years ago that threw Europe and added regions into a acting abysmal freeze. Paradoxically, he argued, the annual ability accept been a then-warming altitude and the collapse of arctic ice sheets, which alien a beating of freshwater that pushed aback on the conveyor. He warned that “the amoral experiment” of avant-garde human-induced abating ability accompany agnate accelerated changes. He was addicted of saying, “The altitude arrangement is an affronted beast, and we are dabbling it with sticks.”

Climatologists are still debating whether and how accelerated altitude swings ability booty abode today. That notwithstanding, Broecker’s account were taken up and berserk abstract in the 2004 cine The Day Afterwards Tomorrow, which featured a climate-change-powered tsunami engulfing Manhattan and afresh freezing into an ice sheet–all in the aforementioned day. They were added credibly explained in possibly the alone pop song about concrete oceanography, “Uncle Wally’s Tale,” by the accompanist Tom Chapin. (Chapin was Broecker’s brother-in-law, affiliated to Broecker’s adolescent sister, Bonnie.)

In the 1990s, Broecker served as arch accurate adviser for Biosphere 2, an beginning glassed-in ambiance in the Arizona arid meant to actor the apparatus of land, oceans and air on a baby scale. Columbia had aloof taken over accurate management, and the business ancillary was briefly handed over to a adviser alleged Steve Bannon—later arch adviser to U.S. admiral Donald Trump, and almighty adversary of U.S. efforts to action altitude change. “An acute guy. I absolutely kinda admired him,” Broecker told the New Republic in 2017. Afterwards the 2016 election, Broecker was abashed that maybe Bannon had abandoned or did not accept the science, and approved contacting him to set him straight. He never heard back.

Broecker authored or coauthored abutting to 500 analysis papers, and at atomic 17 books. Abounding of the books were self-published spiral-bound affairs, anesthetized out chargeless to anyone interested. Added bartering ones included the 2008 Fixing Altitude (with science announcer Rob Kunzig), an autobiographical attending at the development of avant-garde altitude science. He additionally collaborated with Harvard oceanographer Charles Langmuir on How to Body a Habitable Planet, a broadly acclimated argument on earth’s agent and change aboriginal appear in 1984 and broadcast in a 2012 edition. Broecker mentored about 50 Lamont alum students, abounding of whom went on to arresting careers.

There is no Nobel Prize in apple sciences, but Broecker accustomed ceremoniousness and millions of dollars in awards from foundations, governments and accurate societies. He accustomed honorary degrees from Harvard, Cambridge and added universities. He was adopted to London’s Royal Society and the U.S. National Academy of Sciences. In 1996, he accustomed the National Medal of Science from U.S. Admiral Bill Clinton. He bashed best of banknote awards aback into research.

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In summer 2001, billionaire Gary Comer, architect of the Lands’ End accouterment company, managed to captain his ample yacht bright through Canada’s Northwest Passage —long blocked because of ice, but now aback accessible because of abating climate. Comer was absorbed by his own accomplishment and approved out Broecker to apprentice more. The two became fast friends. Broecker, afresh entering his 70s, accustomed the agent with “adopting” him and animating his career at a time aback he was because retirement. Application Comer’s yacht and clandestine aircraft, they agitated out assorted expeditions to the far arctic together. Under Broecker’s influence, Comer gave some $25 actor to armamentarium altitude advisers beyond the world, and to body a huge new geochemistry architecture at Lamont.

Broecker, who suffered from dyslexia, never got about to acquirements how to blazon or use a claimed computer. He wrote with a pencil and notepad, and had staffers retype manuscripts and emails. He was accepted for his affable demeanor, but additionally for his bluntness and agitable temper; he about skewered alum acceptance and chief scientists akin for awkward work. “He has singlehandedly pushed added compassionate than apparently anybody in our field,” said Richard Alley, a arch climatologist at Pennsylvania State University. “He is intellectually so huge in how the apple arrangement works and what its history is, that all of us are afterward Wally in one way or other.”

In contempo years, Broecker more batten out about the dangers of altitude change, but averred that abundant remained unknown. “It humbles you to abstraction the apple system, because you apprehend attributes is absolutely complicated,” he told CBC television. He advocated for the closing abandonment of deposit fuels, but saw little achievement it would appear soon. “I don’t anticipate we can allot the poor bodies on the planet to abide poor, aloof so we can not accept CO2 body up in the atmosphere,” he said. “Coal is activity to get austere and there is not annihilation we can do about it. [H]ow are you activity to stop bodies from application it?” As a stopgap, he advocated beginning technologies to blot CO2 from the air and abundance it aback underground.

Grace Carder, Broecker’s aboriginal wife, died in 2007; they had been affiliated for 55 years. They had six children, bristles of whom survive him: Sandra Broecker of Dumont, N.J.; Cynthia Kennedy of Harrington Park, N.J.; Kathleen Wilson of Oxford, Miss.; Scott Broecker of Pacific Grove, Calif.; and Cheryl Keyes of Morristown, N.J. A daughter, Suzanne Broecker, died earlier. In 2009, he affiliated Elizabeth Clark, who had agitated out assignment at his lab for abounding years, and who connected alive with him; she survives him. He is additionally survived by his sisters Judith Redekop of Tucson, Ariz., and Bonnie Chapin of Piermont, N.Y. as able-bodied as seven grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren.

Broecker’s final connected assignment was CO2: Earth’s Altitude Driver, an overview of the accountable from abysmal time up to the present, appear in abatement 2018. Afterwards that, his bloom began to fail, but colleagues said that he kept discussing the latest analysis and account for new projects with them until aloof canicule afore his death. During one of his aftermost affairs with friends, he said that he planned to be cremated, and asked a adolescent Lamont abyssal scientist, geochemist Sidney Hemming, to booty his ashes with her on her abutting analysis cruise. Scatter them in the ocean, he told her.

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