#almost done with school so ill be able to do more with no guilt

[bugs1nmybrain]

Shigaraki's Psychological Conditions Headcanons - (a long ass post)

So, I'll preface this by saying I am NOT a psychiatrist and am not qualified to diagnose shit. I do however have a history of personal mental health disorders and am going to school for mental health work. This is mostly just for theory sake. My word is not absolute

Let's begin

warnings: mental illness as title suggests, not proofread and probably has typos

Antisocial Personality Disorder / Conduct Disorder

This one sort of goes without saying cuz duh he's a villain or whatever. I want to specify that in terms of Antisocial Personality, he likely is a sociopath, NOT a psychopath

I hear people call him a psychopath all the time and it's infuriating because people throw around labels without understanding what they mean. Psychopaths are more cunning and charming, and very manipulative. This isn't to say that Tomura is none of those things. Psychopath, however, applies to people like All For One. Almost diplomatic and very persuasive.

Tomura is a sociopath because he's known for recklessness and abrasive behavior. Psychopaths often pretend to have feelings, but for sociopaths aggression is a key emotion that's visibly displayed. They are also able to feel remorse in some cases, and I run this back to Shigaraki because he spent years in what was implied to be repressed guilt regarding the death of his family. Tomura admits it himself in his flashbacks, but ultimately decides to let go of that guilt (that he still fucking feels and is in DENIAL but that's another post). Hence, his forgiving nature toward his mother and sister when he's dreaming during surgery.

Even after Tomura let that burden go, he has no desire to be cool and collected, he just fucks around and finds out. Overall, though, he disregards people's lives and doesn't have remorse for what he's done because he throws his trauma and desires over it as a bandaid. He does show care and consideration to people in the League, though.

The conduct disorder part of it is self-explanatory. He's a violent criminal, lol.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Duh.

Trauma is pretty much all Tomura has known. I won't reiterate his backstory, but being physically abused and rejected as a child, the murder of his family, being blatantly ignored by people on the streets, and AFO's upbringing? That's a lot

His PTSD is so dehibilitating that it took hold of his body language and behavior. Before the end of s5, Tomura was rigid and hunched over. In the MHA video games, he's also seen as very restless and moving his body around (until s4 era in One's Justice 2). I'll attach a video below.

He's also just very irritable and easily set off at the reminders of his trauma and rejection. "I HATE YOU" is a key example, as up to that point Tomura had been improving his rash behavior, but he's very unsettled by his past and continues to be now.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

His case of OCD is connected to his trauma and emotions. You'll find that a lot of his conditions feed into one another. For him, he has a variant of dermatillomania (often known as the skin picking disorder). For him, that is in the form of scratching rather than picking. But he does it compulsively and without thought, and he does it in attempts to self soothe. I believe he does it occasionally as a self injurious behavior, resulting in itching himself rather than lashing out. He even just does it when he's only moderately anxious or irritated.

Depression

While we don't see Shigaraki slumped in bed or feeling sad in the ways we see in many cases of depression, his "I hate everything" mentality puts him here. Actually, it's safe to say he experiences anhedonia, which is the lack of enjoyment in anything. He seems to somewhat enjoy video games, but his bio states "nothing" as his likes. I'm inclined to believe he feels no personal joy or happiness, and tries to attain that through murderous rage. Never works tho, does it Tomura?

Bipolar Disorder and Unspecified Psychotic Disorder

This one might stir some debates, but I do genuinely think he has a mood disorder. I don't want to feed into stigma that bipolar and psychotic people are "evil," because I myself have these conditions, so maybe I'm projecting lmao. He's definitely not medicated, and so I'd say his case is Bipolar Type 1. This type is characterized by intense manic symptoms, though depressive symptoms can be severe, too.

Tomura has manic tendencies, and he's impacted by mania in that he seems to get spontaneous motivation, but he also will stay stagnant for some time. I saw this as the case when Spinner literally went at Shiggy for putting the League in a complacent stage, but he's done this before, such as when he was in a slump about Stain. When his motivation surges, though, he goes above and beyond and doesn't put extensive thought into it. He just lunges into his desires in pursuit of satisfaction. He also has delusions of grandoisity to some degree and has a moment where he treats himself as invincible. He fought Gigantomachia for almost two months, and kept fucking going at him. Surely, he could've asked the doctor to call him off, but Tomura wanted that power so bad. Tomura also went into his surgery without asking many questions about it. He makes very impulsive decisions, even after people insist that he "matured." He also gets flicked into motivation like a snap of a finger, and proceeds to be lead mostly by endorphins and gratification.

When Tomura experiences what he perceives as a "positive" emotion, it overtakes him. He becomes pretty much engrossed in his bodily sensations. Through maniacal laughter and taunting language that's charged in a hate induced fuel. When Shigaraki has "voila" moments, he has a surge in neuroactivity and gets into aggressive mood stages, but I guess that could apply to most of the villains. I saw this when Deku told him the difference between him and Stain, and Tomura had a surge in manic-like bliss and drive.

I'm not sure if Tomura hearing the voices of his family before his epiphany was just intrusive thoughts, but I thought they may have been auditory hallucinations. Tomura admits to hearing things that aren't there and seeing visual hallucinations, too. Evidenced by:

I hate how the dub translated this into "when you're this tired" as a broad statement. The manga gives this more personal association to Shigaraki, and he says that it happens when he's sleepy, and doesn't specify if it's only when he's extremely sleep deprived or just tired. Also, him staying up for days on end and smiling his ass off reeks of mania. He has delusional sprinkles in his thinking process, but they're not of bizarre nature, and are usually tied to his trauma. At this point in the manga he's very psychotic, though. That has a lot to do with him being fueled with adrenaline and also just breaking out of AFO's control.

I think he is either bipolar type 1 with psychotic features or has a mild case of schizoaffective disorder. Probably the first one, but I'm not sure.

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder)

This one is more of a gut feeling for me, but I see Tomura as being easily distracted and aloof to his surroundings at times. He's fidgety and does shit on whim.

Also, look at his room.

I'm not saying that everyone with ADHD has a messy room, but from what I can see, he goes from one task, drops it entirely without picking up, and goes to the next. Some could argue that Tomura simply doesn't care, and that's true, but he's at least got some decency to put the shit in trash bags. Trash bags that he HASN'T EVEN TAKEN OUT. I think he gets too caught up in the shit he's focused on that it slips his mind to do simple things like that.

He has spontaneous interests from what I can tell from the many books and toys he has that seem to have gone untouched for some time. He also hyperfixates, and I don't mean interest wise. I mean that when he's dwelling on something, it doesn't leave his mind for DAYS, until he gets some gratification. All Might in s1 and Stain s2 for example.

-

In conclusion, this boy has a grocery list of conditions, but I love Tomura. I love my beautiful prince with a disorder, and he is so dear to me.

I'm open to discussions about this, but please keep them respectful.

#shiggy #shigaraki tomura #shigaraki tomura headcanons #shigaraki headcanons #tomura shigaraki #shigaraki x reader #shimura tenko

[pollenallergie]

Stuffy Noses and Skimpy Costumes

AN: Just a fluffy fic about the reader being sick on Halloween and best friend!Eddie skipping a party to hang out with her. I decided to write this at the very last minute because I forgot about Halloween until literally this morning, so um… this has definitely not been proofread. Shwoopsie. Still worth the read tho! Also, it's still technically Halloween where I'm at right now, so mission accomplished, team!

TW: None, I think? Eddie’s a bit of a perv, but what else is new. Discussions of illness (mucus is briefly mentioned, but other than that it’s pretty benign stuff).

18+ only!!

do not interact if you’re under 18 years old!

It’s only six in the morning when Eddie is jolted awake by the sound of the landline ringing in the living room of the trailer. He hears Wayne grumble from the kitchen, having just gotten home from work and definitely not thrilled about his pre-sleep cigarette break getting interrupted. Wayne answers the phone and huffs out an unenthusiastic greeting into the receiver. Eddie sighs in relief once the ringing stops and rolls over in an attempt to get a few more minutes of sleep.

“Kid, it’s for you!” Wayne shouts at Eddie from the other room, interrupting his attempts at sleep.

A few expletives tumble past Eddie’s chapped lips as he flings back the covers and clumsily stumbles out of bed. He makes his way to the den, bumping his hip on the kitchen counter on the way there, causing him to grumble out a few more swears. He grabs the phone from Wayne and holds it up to his ear.

“Hello?” He murmurs grumpily while using his free hand to rub the sleep out of his eye.

“Hey, Eddie,” Eddie detects the guilt in your tone almost immediately, along with the usual nasliness that you get this time of year; the changing seasons have always done a number on your sinuses. He perks up a bit as his brows furrow in concern.

He clears his throat, ridding his voice of its usual morning raspiness, before asking, “What’s wrong, bug?”

On the other end of the call, you crumble. Of course Eddie could tell something was wrong. Eddie could always tell when something was wrong. He could read you like a book.

“I’m not gonna be able to go to Nick Paulson’s party with you tonight.” You mumble out pitifully as you nervously pick and pull at the dead skin on your lips.

“Why not? What’s the matter?” Eddie had already kind of assumed that you’d bail on him; he knows how nervous you get at parties. However, he still wants to know what tall-tale you’ve conjured up to excuse yourself from it.

Except, you don’t offer him some lame excuse. “I’m sick, grub. I think it’s just a cold, but there’s so much pressure in my head right now and I feel awful,” You explain, pausing halfway through to pull your face away from the receiver and hack out a mucus-y cough, Eddie winces at the sound of it.

“Fuck, jitterbug, you sound awful.”

“I know,” You reply pitifully in a tone that borders on whiny. Sniffles soon follow.

“Bug, why’re you crying?” Eddie asks gently.

“Don’t feel good, Eddie,” you whine. You tend to get a little sensitive when you’re sick, you’ve always been like that. Eddie should be used to it, given how much you got sick as a kid, but it still breaks his heart all the same.

“I know, bunny. I’m sorry,” He coos, “Need me to stay home with you today?”

“You can’t Eddie; you gotta get your attendance up,” You remind him, tone still laced with misery.

“Bug-”

“I’ll be fine, Eds. Just promise me that you’ll come show me your costume before you leave for the party tonight?” You plead.

“Fuck, bunny, I’m not going to that damn party, not without you. How about I come over tonight and we can just hang out or somethin’? I could go rent us some movies and get us some snacks after school, maybe pick up some medicine for you too, sicky-poo. How’s that sound?” Eddie offers.

“But what about the money? Weren’t you only going so that you could deal to Nick and his friends?”

Eddie clears his throat before whispering his reply so that Wayne won’t hear it, “I’ll um… I’ll just meet up with them after school and do it then.”

“Are you sure? What about the guys? Weren’t they gonna meet us there?” You ask.

“Nah, the little cowards backed out yesterday at lunch. Didn’t really figure they’d go anyways; it’s not really our scene,” He informs you, “‘sides, you know I’ll have way more fun watching movies with you than I could ever possibly have at some lame house party, even if I gotta listen to you hack up a lung every so often.”

“I know, I just feel bad,” You murmur.

“Well don’t, bug, because you’re actually doing me a favor,” Eddie looks over at the clock briefly, “I should probably start getting ready for school. I’ll be at your place at six, ‘s that okay?”

“In costume?” You ask hopefully, causing Eddie to huff out a laugh.

“No, bug, I planned on showing up naked,” He teases and you fluster.

“You’re a dick,” you grumble and he chuckles in response.

“Yes, I’ll show up in costume. You feel up to wearing yours? Would hate to be the only one in costume.”

It’s tradition for you both to surprise each other with your costumes on the day of Halloween, so he’s secretly hoping that you’ll say yes.

“Yeah, I can manage that. I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Alright, goodbye, bunny.”

“Adíos, flittermouse.”

Eddie snorts at your pet name for him before hanging up.

You’d been sick on Halloween before, Eddie remembers it all too well. It was back in the fifth grade. You’d caught strep throat from Kimmy Owens that week and had been stuck at home with it for three days prior, so your mom had barred you from going trick-or-treating. Eddie was determined for you to not miss out, though, so he went trick-or-treating for the both of you. He’d asked your mom to take a picture of you in your costume, a homemade witch ensemble that you’d looked adorable in, with her polaroid. Then, that night, he’d taken two bags with him for candy as well as that picture of you, and, at each house he’d stopped at, he made sure to show whoever answered the door your picture before asking if he could grab some candy for you since you were stuck at home with strep throat.

The moms and grandmas of Hawkins thought it was absolutely adorable, Eddie walking around in the wizard costume that your mom had made for him and trick-or-treating for his sickly friend. Especially since he’d carried around a picture of you as if he needed proof that the additional candy he grabbed wasn’t just extra candy for himself. A few of them even gave him some extra candy for himself just for being such a good friend, but, at the end of the night, he made sure to divide the small pile of the extra candy from his bag in half so that he could split it with you. Eddie then hand delivered your candy, stuffing it in the tiny mailbox attached to your trailer to make sure that the other kids in the trailer park wouldn’t steal it.

That Halloween had been his least favorite, at least, of the ones he’d had since Wayne took him in, simply because he didn’t get to see you at all that day. However, much like he was on that particular Halloween, Eddie is determined to make sure that you don’t miss out on too much of the festivities.

True to his word, Eddie shows up on your doorstep at six on the dot, adorned in his Boromir costume, complete with a fake beard, while holding a few plastic bags filled with snacks, some feel-better-soon essentials, and movies. He knocks on the door with his elbow because his hands are full, and then eagerly waits for you to open it, excited to show you his costume that he spent months on.

All of the air leaves his lungs when you open the door, revealing your costume to him. You’ve chosen to go as Jessica 6 from the Logan’s Run TV series and are dressed in your recreation of her pink dress from episode two. It’s short, really short, showing off your legs which are completely bare, as you had forgone any tights or pantyhose in the name of comfort. The silence is deafening and you’re left feeling a bit unsure of yourself.

“It looks stupid, doesn’t it?” You question shyly.

“No! No, you look,” Eddie gulps, “You… Did you make this?”

“Yeah, with my mom’s help. You know how much the sewing machine and I despise each other,” You joke, tone still laced with insecurity.

Eddie quickly tries to think of a compliment that he can give you without sounding like a total creep.

You look hot.

Nope.

Nice legs.

Definitely not.

He settles on, “You look pretty.”

Your breath hitches and he worries that he’s said the wrong thing.

“Thank you. You, um, you look hairy,” You grimace at your failed attempt at a compliment and quickly correct yourself, “I mean, you look great! It’s that guy from Lord of the Rings cartoon, right? The warrior from, um, Condo was it?”

“Gondor,” Eddie corrects with a smirk. “And yes, I am Boromir.”

You don’t have to ask if Eddie made his costume, you already know that he did; he almost always does. If he weren’t so hellbent on keeping up this tradition of surprising each other with your costumes, then he’d offer to help you make yours too.

“You gonna keep that beard on all night, dimples?” You ask while taking one of the bags from him and leading him inside. “It looks itchy.”

“‘Course I am, bunny; can’t go breakin’ character,” Eddie replies as he sets down the bag on your mom’s coffee table before fishing out the movies he’d rented.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d be up to watching any slasher films tonight since you’re diseased,” Eddie begins.

“I have a sinus infection, asshole, I’m not ‘diseased.’”

“Infected, then,” He amends, “So, I picked up Gremlins, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Dark Crystal, and, just in case you are down to watch a horror movie, Carrie, because I know it’s your favorite.”

“Grub, that’s a bit excessive, isn’t it? Are we even going to be able to watch four movies?” You question as you begin getting out the snacks.

“I have faith in us,” Eddie simply replies as he sets the movies down and gets out the stuff he picked up for you from the pharmacy. “I wasn’t sure what you guys already had here, so I just picked up a couple things; some tissues, vapor rub, gatorade because I know you’re probably dehydrated, saline spray, and ole reliable, NyQuil.”

You smile fondly at him, still surprised by his generosity even after all these years, and hug him from behind, nuzzling your face in between his shoulder blades. He tenses up briefly before chuckling softly and melting into your embrace.

“You’re my favorite person alive right now, Eds,” You sigh warmly and his heart swells with joy at the sound. It takes him back to the first time you said that to him, at your eighth birthday party.

“You’re my favorite person alive right now!” You’d shouted as you engulfed him in a big hug, practically tackling him with the force of it.

He’d gotten you an art set that year. It was nothing fancy, just a cheap one from the local toy store, but, in your eyes, it was the greatest gift you had ever received.

That memory combined with the feeling of your arms wrapped around his waist has Eddie fighting off the urge to tell you how much he loves you. Instead, he settles for turning around in your embrace so that he can hug you back.

“I’m sorry you don’t feel well, jitterbug,” He murmurs into your hair as he takes in the sweet smell of your shampoo. You hug him just a bit tighter in response.

The two of you stay like that, wrapped up in each others’ arms, for a while, far past exceeding the time limit of what can be considered a purely platonic hug. Although, neither of you seem to mind, nor do you seem eager to let go. Eventually, though, you do let go, heat rising to your face as you move out of Eddie’s arms.

“Carrie first?” You ask as you go to grab the stack of VHS tapes that Eddie brought.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Eddie clears his throat as rosie blush tints his pale skin from the apples of his cheeks to the tips of his ears, “I’ll start the pizza.”

He grabs one of the frozen pizzas he bought and moves into the kitchen to preheat the oven, sparing a single glance back into the living room so that he can see what you have on under that dress when you bend over to fiddle with the VCR. Eddie’s slightly disappointed when he sees a pair of short dolphin shorts rather than the pretty cotton panties that he was expecting.

Perv, he mentally berates himself, shaking his head as if to clear his mind of all the impure thoughts, and then turning to focus on the task at hand. Eddie waits a few minutes for the oven to heat up before tearing off the pizza’s plastic wrapping and sliding it in the oven. He then sets your mom’s little plastic tomato kitchen timer to eighteen minutes before joining you in the living room again.

“Pizza should be done in 18,” He informs you casually as he flops down onto the couch.

“Do you wanna wait for it to get done before starting the movie, or do you wanna just go ahead and watch it?” You ask him, now knelt in front of the VCR with your dress just barely covering up your shorts.

“Go ahead and press play, bug, I’ll get the pizza when it’s ready,” Eddie replies. You do as requested before scrambling to turn off the lights in the living room. You’re about to make your way to the recliner when you notice Eddie making grabby hands at you.

“C’mere, indulge me, bug,” He pouts and you roll your eyes, as if his pleading doesn’t make your heart skip a beat. You give in, not that you were putting up much of a fight in the first place, and plop down next to Eddie, allowing him to maneuver you until you’re nearly in his lap, your bare legs pressed against his as he clings to you.

God bless whoever designed Boromir’s outfit for that movie, you think.

The two of you spend the rest of the night like that, watching movies and cuddling, save for the few times you both have to get up to either grab something or use the bathroom. It’s not much different from the last few Halloweens you spent together, except that the preamble to this movie night was not a brief bout of trick-or-treating (Eddie may be an adult, but he isn’t ready to give that up just yet) due to your illness. Other than that, the only real differences are your sickly state and the fact that you’ve opted for a more revealing costume this year. Granted, the latter difference does get Eddie a little too excited, especially with your plump thighs out on display, one even making contact with his own. So excited, in fact, that he has to leave to go take care of himself in the bathroom halfway through the second movie. If you notice that he’s been gone for an inordinate amount of time, you don’t say anything, and for that he is eternally grateful.

#jitterbug and grub #halloween fic #eddie munson #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson blurb #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x reader fluff #perv!eddie #best friend au #best friend!eddie #best friend!eddie munson #eddie munson x plus size reader #eddie munson fic #eddie munson ficlet #eddie stranger things #stranger things #stranger things vol 4 #stranger things 4 #stranger things au #sick fic #sick!reader #eddie munson sick fic #pol’s greatest hits

[aloctx]

Friends with(out) benefits

When I think about and try to process the events of that night, I see a supercut of all the good times we had together. Us in the kitchen of my first apartment, surrounded by all of our friends. I bought so much beer and alcohol for someone who doesn't drink much but I was celebrating finally having a home to call my own. Your first solo apartment is a big deal! I think about you sneaking me a kiss in my laundry room because nobody knew we liked to kiss, even though I’m more than sure everyone could see the chemistry. I think about high school and how you were alway cracking jokes and making everyone around you laugh. I think about your baby face, pink lips, and always-dazed stare and it's almost romantic. I quickly snap out of it and my stomach starts to turn and the butterflies turn into bubbles. A swarm of feelings inundate me along with guilt and a physical feeling in my stomach which turns it sour. My brain forces me to remember the highlights instead of the lows like the substance abuse, the money that only came from mommy and daddy, the calls your ex girlfriend made to harass me and your laughing in the background. Why aren’t those memories front and center? Why does my subconscious root for you every time?

All I can remember is that I can’t actually remember who I was the day after it happened. I woke up nauseous, hung over, and the owner of a new and not-improved brain. I was even lucky enough to block ‘the event’ from my brain for months, no, years actually. I didn’t even call it sexual assault until the first person I told pointed it out — “What do you mean they were having sex with you while you were unconscious? You mean while they raped you???” — and calling it what it was for the first time, rape, was out of the question. I’d get a brief flashback, like dejavu, every time I smelled Tequila or heard your name but it was tucked away so deep to try to keep myself safe that I didn’t even realize how much damage it was doing and had already done. The wound was festering and I had a bright pink bandaid on that section of my memory to avoid making sense of it further.

‘Oh, I don't drink’. ‘I HATE the taste of alcohol.’, ‘I’m taking some sober time for my health.’. I adapted and learned to perfect my excuse as to why I couldn’t partake in something so natural for someone in their 20’s having fun. I’m 30 years old now and my stomach still turns when I attempt to take a sip of anything that might inebriate me. For a long time, I thought maybe I just didn’t like alcohol or that I was allergic or that I just wasn’t as cool as I wanted to be. Time and tests have proven those conclusions wrong. I like to drink, I like the feeling of being a completely lucid version of my true being, but I don’t like being out of control. This doesn't mean I'm afraid of it becoming a problematic vice, because trust me, I've tried to develop problematic vices time and time again to no avail. (Honorable mentions to cocaine, nicotine, and weed.) Take for instance, if I’m surrounded by people I completely trust like my family or my partner, I can drink and get drunk and feel fine the next day. If I’m out at a bar or with people I'm only acquaintances or somewhat friendly with, forget it. The moment I take a sip of alcohol, I feel physically ill. My brain triggers my body to say ‘STOP, WE ARE IN DANGER!’, and I give up without even thinking about it twice. I try this every time without any success but I’m able to down 6 gin and tonics when it’s my partner taking care of me and my fragile brain.

I remember waking up, naked while you penetrated me. Covered in your bodily fluids with a phone camera pointed at my unconscious body. ‘How did I get so drunk?’. For how physical the situation was, it very much felt like an out-of-body experience. It felt like I was watching as a third party behind two-way glass. No matter how hard I yelled or pounded on the glass for it to stop, nobody could hear me. When my brain found a connection back to my physical body, I asked you to stop. It was so difficult to open my heavy eyes. When I did, I asked you to stop again. I remember being way too calm, like I didn’t want to embarrass you. You looked startled, like a deer caught in headlights. I gathered all my physical and mental strength and lunged up towards you and your phone. ‘STOP IT! I NEED YOU TO STOP.’ I remember you apologizing profusely. ‘IM SORRY I'M SORRY I'M DELETING IT NOW I'M SORRY.’ You gathered your things and left. That’s all I remember. That’s all I remember now. The next morning, I woke up, showered, and just pretended nothing happened because that would never happen to me? In my home? At my birthday party? With someone I had willingly slept with before? ‘Nope, it didn't happen. Just a fucked up dream.’. It’s been almost a decade and I still deal with the events of that night every time I want to unwind and have a drink.

I’ve been open about my experience now that I’ve been able to accept that it happened to me. Most of the time, my story is received with love and support and empathy. Other times, it's met with questions, questions I don’t like too much. ‘Why didn’t you report it?’, ‘Why did you wait so long?’, ‘Maybe you consented before you passed out?’, ‘What's the big deal, weren’t you guys sleeping together anyways?’. I’ve stopped humoring most of these questions and using them as a way to weed out who does and does not have a place in my life. Those who are truly curious automatically or through a brief explanation understand why. I’m going to therapy, reading self help books, taking care of my physical health, and doing everything in my power to continue not letting this sexual assault define me but it will forever be a part of my story. The writing has helped my healing process. I’ve written a poem about it as well and every year, I’m able to make strides towards letting it be part of my narrative without having to necessarily accept it. Processing the trauma will forever be part of my narrative but I don’t have to accept it. I mean, who would? My mom would blame it on me being stubborn and that’s probably a part of it. The truth is, I choose to only accept the good and the bad that has helped shape me. This experience helped change me, but it changed me into a more sheltered and cautious version of who I prefer to be, hence, I do not accept it. I’m sure I will someday, but for now, I’m happy with just sharing my story.

#healing #personal essay #sexualassault #ptsd

[blackasmyhangryfurrybrokensoul]

Genuinely speaking here, not bragging or… like I hate when my friends call me smart. I hate when my friends know how well I do in a class, or find out I did well on a test. I hate hanging out with my friends right before finals when everyone’s cramming. I hate when me and my friends have the same teacher and the teacher seems surprised we’re hanging out together.

Yes I am “smart”, yes I do well, but it does not feel good when the people around you really struggle to do as well as you. And it puts pressure on me to act like this scholarly person I’m not. I feel terrible talking about education stuff to most of my friends because of that. And it would be something if I generally put in a good amount of effort but I barely do and even when I wanted to die and didn’t care anymore I was still doing just as well, if not masochistically better. And ya know why? Cuz honestly it feels like cheating life. I have memory that functions almost similarly to photographs or audio recordings. Almost. It’s a genetic thing outside my effort or control. And if I was in class, and wasn’t talking to other people for the most part, I will remember. And when I study, I skim my notes in usually 30 minutes, and I’m good. My genetic ability to retain information and recall it does not make me smarter, does not mean I put more effort into something, does not mean I deserve the praise I get. It just means I’m more marketable in the education/work place. I guess it’s an advantage but a flawed one that does not favor the right people. It’s not fair to most other people. 

But the thing is, why are we comparing ourselves to each other? I guarantee you that many of these people who struggle in school would be brilliant in some other environment with other tasks. My friends are not idiots for not doing their work until they reached 12th grade. My friends are not idiots for their home circumstances stopping them from working. My friends are not idiots for their neurodivergency. My friends are not idiots for their mental illness. Heck my friends are not idiots for their abilities even if they have no excuse or reason for not doing as well. And it’s sad to see people so brought down by their abilities to complete the school related tasks in a school environment. It’s not designed to be fair, I know. But that is so messed up because the people that put in more effort honestly deserve more recognition. And people should not have to endure a feeling of guilt or shame for what they were not able to do, or what their younger selves had done.

#education #school #education system

[seriouslysnape]

Under the Weather

Harry Potter x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Fluff. Sickness. 

Word Count: 1,518

“I just hate that you’re feeling bad.”

Harry felt bad. Correction: Harry felt terrible. He watched as you crawled into your bed with sunken eyes and a nasty sounding cough. He wouldn’t ever say this out loud, but you didn’t look so good at all. It was all his fault that you were sick, and he wouldn’t let himself forget it anytime soon.

He had just recovered from possibly the worst case of the flu that he had ever fallen ill with. It had knocked him on his ass for a week due to the fatigue, coughing, fever, and body aches. Pomfrey had done all she could to try to make him comfortable enough, but the strain was just a bit more than her remedies could fix this time around. He was stuck in bed with nothing to do but roll around in his sickness and complain about how bad he felt. 

In the end, Harry was able to recover swiftly and without any real problems. Before too long, he was as good as new thanks to your help. You had taken extra good care of him by keeping him cool from the fever but warm from the chills. You made sure he was eating, even if it was just chicken and soup everyday. You made sure he was hydrated and getting plenty of rest to ensure his recovery...which also included lots of snuggles and kisses.

It turned out that those snuggles and kisses were rather sickly ones, and about the time that Harry was fully feeling better, you had begun to feel crummy. Harry actually noticed it before you did. It was extremely rare for you to sleep later than him. You almost always were up and going before him, but on particular Friday morning, you were still knocked out when he woke up. Not only that, you were unusually warm and ill looking. He had pressed the back of his hand to your head, feeling a pit of guilt when he realized that you definitely were running a fever.

He had woken you up, feeling even worse when you began to cough. He had practically jumped out of your bed, wrapping you up and doing whatever he could to make you comfortable. You had all the same symptoms that he did, and you were guaranteed to be in for a long week. He had insisted that he take another week off from classes to watch over you, but he was already a week behind, and there was no chance that you were letting him fall back more on your account.

He went through all of his classes in a haze of worry. He knew that he had undoubtedly gotten you sick. There was no way that you could’ve gotten it from anyone else. He didn’t even stop in the common room after his classes, going straight back to your dorm where he had left you. When he did walk into your room, you were standing at your trunk, looking weak and drained. You would’ve thought that you had tried to mouth off to Professor Snape by the way Harry reacted.

“What are you doing?!” He shrieked, closing your door and rushing to you.

You threw your hands up in defense, sniffling more drainage out of your nasal passageway.

“What? I’m getting changed. I was in the same pajamas from last night and I felt gross,” You explained with a congested tone, not seeing the big deal, “I’m fine, Harry.”

He ruffled your hair when he noticed it was damp. His face fell into even more horror.

“Did you shower?” He asked as if it were a crime.

“Uh, yes?” You replied nonchalantly.

“But you’re sick! You could’ve...I don’t know! You could’ve fainted or sneezed so hard that you fell or-”

“Harry, I’m not dying. It’s just the flu.” You argued, giggling at his dramatic act.

That sealed the deal. He was dedicating his entire weekend to make sure you were at least on the road to recovery by Monday if you weren’t going to “take care” of yourself.

“Get in bed, you mad woman! What are you doing up?!” He shrilled again, ushering you to your bed again.

That was when you returned to bed to put HIM at ease, looking and sounding just plain awful. That was also when he REALLY started to feel guilty for your current state. He rushed around the room, setting things up the way you had in his when he had been sick. He layered blankets onto your bed, turned on some soft music, made sure the windows were closed to make sure you didn’t catch a cold draft. The only difference was that you had spoken to him in sweet, calm tones. Harry was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

“Are you warm enough, my love?” Harry asked, adding yet another blanket on top of you, rushing to your desk on the other side of the room.

“Yes, Harry. I told you that I’m fin-”

“Do you want a book? Or maybe I can sneak into the kitchen and bring you a snack?” Harry rattled off, barely letting you get a word in.

“No, angel. I don’t want-”

“I promise I don’t mind! The castle is pretty quiet this time of night and Filch is easy to sneak around and-”

“Harry!” You finally croaked out through your already hoarse voice, “I don’t need anything. I’m fine.” 

Harry’s demeanor softened. His shoulders relaxed and his breathing slowed. He was getting himself worked up over nothing, and panicking wasn’t going to solve anything at all.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry,” He said, sitting on the edge of your bed, “I just hate that you’re feeling bad.”

You shrugged under the pile of covers, giving him a feeble grin. 

“I’m okay. I don’t feel that bad. Just a little under the weather I guess.” You brushed it off.

Harry smiled softly with an even gentler laugh. You certainly didn’t look “a little under the weather”. He had been much more difficult when he was sick. He kicked the sheets off of his body and complained that it was too hot, and then hissed that it was too cold each time he got a new chill. He whined when he had to keep changing clothes because the sweating from his fever dampened his pajamas. You, on the other hand, were perfectly content, even in your ill state. 

“If you say so. Can I squeeze in with you, darling?” He queried, wanting to hold you close in your bed.

“I don’t want you to get sick again. You’re already behind.” You shook your head.

“I don’t care about that. I just want to be with you, my pretty girl.” Harry bantered.

He knew you hated missing school, and you were sure to miss at least a week. The thought of you having to spend the next several days cooped up in your dorm made him feel awful. Worst of all, you weren’t your normal, healthy self and it was all because of him. He wanted you to be happy and at your best at all times, because seeing you happy made him happy. 

“[Y/N], baby, I’m sorry I got you sick. I shouldn’t have let you get so close to me and love up on me. If I had known it was so contagious I would’ve taken care of myself.” Harry apologized, his eyes lowering, finding your hand under all the sheets and giving it a caring caress. 

“It’s not your fault. I wanted to take care of you. I always want to...love up on you,” You remarked, laughing at his previous choice of wording, “I couldn’t let you be sick and not do anything. I care about you.”

Harry’s eyes found yours again, his lips upturning into a wide smile as he looked at your lovingly.

“You really love me that much, huh?” He questioned, bringing your clammy palm to his lips for a ginger kiss.

“That much and more,” You returned with a smirk, “Now shut up and get in bed with me. I need cuddles.”

Harry leapt up from the side of the bed, rushing to the empty, opposite side.

“Yes ma’am.” He joked, crawling in and pulling you flush to his chest.

He winced at how warm you still were, but he was sure that the fever would subside with time. Harry’s paranoia had subsided almost completely, but he still kept a hand on your back to make sure you were breathing...just in case. He’d cater to your every need to make sure you’d be better soon. You’d be back to normal in no time with Harry Potter as your caretaker.

“Thanks for taking care of me, Harry. I really appreciate it.” You sniffed, beginning to feel drowsy as your body fought off the horrid sickness.

Harry pressed a kiss to your forehead, keeping you safe and comfortable in his arms. It was something he would do until forever ran out...with or without a bad case of the flu.

“I’ll always take care of you. No matter what.”

******

Tags: @writingscape @lupinsslut @msmimimerton @thefilmcity

#Harry Potter #harry potter x reader #harry potter x fem!reader #harry potter x you #harry potter x female reader #harry potter x y/n #harry potter oneshot #harry potter imagine #harry potter fluff #seriouslysnape

[makeste]

“...and I bullied him.”

hello, hello, good afternoon or evening or whatever time it is. so by now we’ve all had some time to bask in those “Kacchan admitted he cares about Deku” feels (well, technically they were “All Might pointed out that Kacchan was worried about Deku and Kacchan didn’t deny it” feels, BUT THOSE MIGHT AS WELL BE THE SAME FEELS, YOU KNOW). and it’s been lovely. I’ve been having a time. it’s been nice.

but now I would like to talk a bit more about a part of this chapter which I think was even more important.

for me, this was the line of the chapter. this one panel may honestly be the biggest piece of Kacchan character development since all the way back in chapter 120. “I ended up bullying him.” okay but guys?? can we just talk?? about how absolutely extraordinary this one sentence is.

it’s self-aware.

introspection? from a kid who’s had to be dragged kicking and screaming to every character development milestone he’s ever experienced in his life? and on an emotional level that actually goes deeper, and doesn’t just stop at the surface-level anger that’s so often his instinctive reaction to everything? who are you and what have you done with Bakugou Katsuki lol.

but seriously, the level of self-analysis here almost stunned me, guys. not only does he demonstrate a very impressive level of insight into Deku (something I especially love because it mirrors the many analyses Deku has made of him, and shows that the understanding between them is actually mutual), but he also shows an unprecedented degree of insight into himself. like, historically speaking, Bakugou and Feelings have not always exactly been on the same page, you know? so for him to suddenly get so thoughtful now, and sincerely try to analyze these feelings which up until now he’s always ignored and avoided dealing with... that is such a huge step. also, bonus points: he recognizes it as a problem within himself, and doesn’t try to pin the blame on Deku in any way. he recognizes that he’s the one who reacted badly to Deku’s behavior. to be able to examine your own feelings like that and arrive at a conclusion that acknowledges that you’re not the good guy in this, that you’re the one who made the mistake -- that takes a level of accountability that not everyone possesses.

it’s self-prompted.

okay this one is a big deal honestly. no one put a gun to Katsuki’s head here and forced him to confess this. all All Might said was “you’re worried about him too” and that somehow prompted a level of emotional honesty that Katsuki has never before shown. now, based on the fact that the successors’ notebook is still fresh in Katsuki’s mind, and that All Might mentioned earlier that Aizawa couldn’t help because he was “busy at the moment”, this conversation likely took place shortly after the kids returned from their New Year’s break. meaning that this was basically right after the Endeavor internship arc, when thoughts about seeking atonement were still fresh on Katsuki’s mind. so this isn’t entirely out of the blue; it shows that Katsuki did, in fact, learn exactly what All Might was hoping he would learn from Endeavor.

but it’s one thing for this to be on his mind, and another thing entirely for him to actually confess it out loud. and I absolutely will give him full credit for that. he admits, without anyone forcing him to, that he bullied Deku. there’s no incentive for him to do this whatsoever. Deku isn’t there to hear it. he’s not admitting it for the purposes of seeking forgiveness. he’s simply just being honest, and owning up to what he did because he realizes it was wrong. and that takes a lot of inner strength, to do that. to not shy away from it and keep pretending like it never happened. this is a huge first step for him.

it’s a confession that leaves him emotionally vulnerable.

this is another big one. it’s not always evident because he makes a big effort to downplay it, but Katsuki looks up to All Might every bit as much as Deku does. he seeks his approval, he wants All Might to be proud of him, even though he very often puts on a big show of not caring about it at all. it means a lot to him. a lot.

and Katsuki knows how much All Might cares about Deku. and sure, All Might is already perfectly aware that Katsuki and Deku aren’t exactly on the best of terms, and he’s always been understanding about it; always gently compassionate and attempting to smooth things out between them without being judgmental.

but All Might also doesn’t know everything about the two of them. and even with Kacchan and Deku’s relationship never exactly being on the most rock solid of terms at U.A., there’s still a vast difference between the way they interact there, and the way that they interacted back in middle school. when Katsuki was not only hostile, but occasionally downright cruel. and when Deku was still quirkless, and very much not on equal footing with Kacchan in terms of power, and yet Kacchan bullied him anyway.

what Katsuki is confessing here puts him at risk of rejection from one of the people whose opinion of him matters the most. he’s opening himself up to the possibility that All Might might not, for once, react with his trademark understanding. he’s admitting to All Might, I did something unherolike, and I hurt someone you care about, and I didn’t have a good reason for doing it. All Might, in the moment immediately following this statement, has an incredible amount of power over Katsuki. he has the ability to withdraw his support, to condemn him, to pull away and decide that Katsuki is not someone worthy of becoming a hero after all. he has all the power in the world over Katsuki in this one moment; a rejection from him would be a blow he’d never recover from.

and Katsuki, knowing this, tells him anyway. willingly opens himself up to that possibility of being hurt, of being rejected and shunned by the person who inspired his dream. because the alternative is being dishonest with him. this is, in short, a decision made because he believes All Might deserves to know this, and deserves to hear the truth from him. he wants his approval so badly, but he can’t live with the knowledge that he’s “tricked” him into giving it. so he tells him the truth, ready to face whatever consequences might arise from that. and I think that might be one of the bravest things he’s ever done.

it’s not attempting to shirk responsibility.

this, right here, is why Katsuki is my favorite character. because even though he’s flawed, even though he’s made a lot of mistakes, when he realizes that and is confronted by it, he never tries to hide from them. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: to me, the essence of Katsuki is that he is someone who is always trying to be better. he wants to be a good hero; he wants to be a good person. when people point out to him that he’s done something wrong, he listens. it doesn’t always sink in right away, sure, and sometimes he gets stubborn and it can be hard to hammer that truth in. but once he gets it, he always makes the change. he never tries to make excuses. he owns up to his shit and does his best to course correct.

with this acknowledgement here, that he bullied Deku, there’s no attempt on his part to say that it was Deku’s fault, that Deku shouldn’t have done this or that. he doesn’t blame his parents or his teachers or try to act like he didn’t know any better. he makes no attempt whatsoever to justify it. it’s just simple, honest truth. back then, I ignored my own weakness, so I ended up bullying him. it’s a plea of guilt. no attempt to mitigate it or downplay it. the verb he uses, “ijimeta”, doesn’t water it down.

“to ill-treat; to torment; to be cruel to.” there’s no attempt here to paint this in a flattering light at all. which is good. because in order for him to really atone for it, to really go the distance in his redemption arc which we’re all rooting for him to do, the most important step is for him to take responsibility. he can’t learn from it if he’s trying to hide from it or make excuses for what he did wrong. he has to fully acknowledge his mistakes. and that’s exactly what this is.

it shows remorse.

that’s right y’all. they sent my boy out to do an internship with Endeavor over the holidays, and he came back having learned the true meaning of Christmas. his heart really did grow three sizes. honey badger does care.

there is genuine, sincere remorse for his actions here. he’s sorry for what he did. he regrets what he did. there’s real contrition there. it’s not forced or insincere. again, nobody made him say this! nobody pressured him, nobody led him on. these are his own feelings. I bullied Deku. I shouldn’t have done that to him. I want to atone for it.

I know some people in fandom don’t think this is enough. the same thing happened with Endeavor as well. people aren’t always satisfied with restorative justice; they want retribution. they want punishment for his actions. and that’s a natural feeling; it stems back to that instinct of wanting everything to be fair, which I mentioned in another meta not too long ago.

but the thing is, retributive, punitive justice doesn’t actually help anyone. it doesn’t restore what was lost. Katsuki being punished doesn’t do anything to undo what was done to Deku. it doesn’t do anything to heal the harm that was dealt. it doesn’t do anything to make things better for either of them moving forward.

but do you know what does? restorative justice. making amends. which is exactly what this is building up to now.

it shows an understanding that remorse is not enough, and that in order to move forward he has to take action to be a better person.

Katsuki understands that simply being sorry for what he did is not enough. I suspect that’s one reason why he hasn’t attempted to apologize to Deku yet; because he recognizes that after years of tormenting him for stupid and self-centered reasons, a simple apology might seem meaningless at best and self-serving at worst. it puts pressure on Deku to make a decision to either accept or not accept it. Katsuki saw the Todoroki siblings struggling with a similar conflict not too long ago. and he knows better than anyone else how selfless Deku can be. “deep down, he doesn’t take himself into account, y’know?” and so if Katsuki simply apologizes, Deku might end up offering forgiveness that he doesn’t actually deserve, just because Deku is that kind of person who puts others above himself.

and so rather, what Katsuki has opted to do for now is to put all his efforts into helping Deku. he knows Deku is in a considerable amount of danger. he knows how much Deku has on his plate with the SIXQUIRKS and trying to handle all of that. and he knows there are other potential dangers looming which they don’t even know about yet. he’s been alert and anxious about this -- you saw how quickly his mind leaped to worst-case scenarios about the past OFA users; how he was sure that All Might was hiding something from them, and how agitated and apprehensive he got thinking about what that might be.

“I’m worried for him. you are, too,” All Might said. and Katsuki didn’t deny it. didn’t even try. he is worried about Deku. he’s worried about what he has to face. he’s worried about him getting in over his head and something happening to him. and so the way that he has chosen to try and atone is to help him. with his training, with his quirks; whatever he can do. if he needs to push him he’ll push him. whatever he can do to help make him stronger. and if he needs to protect him, he’ll do that too.

atonement is not the same thing as forgiveness. atonement is about trying to make up for what you did, to try and correct your mistakes however you can. it doesn’t mean you’re pardoned from them. all it means is that you’ve acknowledged them, and are doing your best -- doing whatever you can -- to repair the harm done, and to be a better person going forward. and sometimes there is no way to ever completely make up for it. sometimes you can’t undo the harm, because you can’t go back and change the past. the only thing you can change is the now, and the future.

and so Katsuki is trying to atone. he’s trying to be the friend Deku deserves now, since he wasn’t before. he’s trying his best to make things right, and it all starts with this one sentence. that acknowledgement of what he did, of what can’t be changed. acknowledgement of the mistake, so that he can learn from it, so that it never happens again.

so yeah. BnHA Redemption Arcs strike again. Horikoshi you smooth son of a bitch.

#bnha 284 #bakugou katsuki #all might #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #bnha meta #bakugou meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

[bangtangalicious]

cancelled (2) | myg, jjk

summary: you cheated on your boyfriend, one of the most sought after boys on campus, with the nerd from the back of the lecture hall. now a video has leaked across and everyone is turning against you for hurting such a perfect s/o.

pairing: yoongi x reader ft jungkook

wordcount: 3.7k

genre: smut, yandere!yoongi and nerd!jungkook exyandere!jungkook

established-relationship!au college!au cheating!au

warnings: reader discretion is advised. penetrative sex, unprotected sex, really steamy sex, ring tease (is that a thing), yoongi is a master with his tongue but we knew this, manipulative behavior, yandere behavior, controlling, dirty talk, guilting, mentions of past dubcon activity, illicit filming, mentions of mental illnesses, gaslighting, toxic behavior. this is pretty dark so dont read if it bothers you

twoshot: part 1 | part 2 | masterlist

There are some scents we find comforting. Not necessarily because of the nature of the scent itself, but because of a memory associated with it. For you this scent was Yoongi’s burnt pancakes. They were not good, he knew that and so did you. But your heart would almost burst with joy at the gesture, and you could never quite deny him when he would ask to make you breakfast. The way his kitten like eyes would be full of excitement, eager to please you.

In this case, the scent made you feel guilt. A common theme over the past few days after the entire school had access to a livestream of you cheating on the most loveable, pure and kind guy on campus.

But he was not mad.

Something stirred in you. You wished he was angry, wished that you two would fight it out. At least that would result in a resolve of some sort. You were now simply immersed in a stale mate. Not forgiven, but not accused. Not innocent but not guilty.

You had blocked Jungkook right away, not even entertaining how he would be handling the situation. You had bigger problems.

And those problems manifested into your sweet boyfriend making you pancakes.

“Here you go baby” He handed you a plate. Not an ounce of negativity was seen in his eyes. You felt like you were going insane.

Your phone beeped, another notification. You were not even shocked to see it was just another random person yelling at you for what you had done’ You’d seen it all— death threats, people telling you you were the scum of the earth. Internet hate knew no boundaries. You had lost all your friends. Even your family caught news and did not want to speak with you at the moment. All you had was Yoongi.

“Listen y/n” Yoongi kelt down in front of your seat, placing his hands on your knees affectionately. “I know things are hard right now. If you want, you and I can leave this place. We can leave and go somewhere else where people won’t know about all this.”

Tears escaped the edges of your eyes, “We can’t just leave…No one will hire me, a background check will show up with PornHub on the first search result. I’m ruined.”

“I’ll get the video taken down y/n. Clearly that guy did not have your consent to post it.”

“That isn’t the point” You screamed, grasping his hands firmly as you sobbed, “Everyone knows it happened. They know I was unfaithful. To you. The love of my life. Literally the most perfect angel of a human ever. I’m so horrible I don’t even know why I did it I just…”

Yoongi kissed the tops of your hands. “I know…he manipulated you didn’t he? Guys are the worst. He made you think you wanted it.”

For some reason you were not that mad at Jungkook. Maybe it was because you were too occupied with your own guilt. You did not feel like he coerced you, but telling Yoongi that wouldn’t have really mattered.

“Come on baby. Let’s move somewhere. And let’s get married. I’ll be able to give you what you need. You’ve been such a good girl for holding out so long. We can start over, together, away from all this. There’s nothing else here for us”

The idea was tempting, but your heart clenched thinking you would never see this beautiful campus again. Your friends, your classmates, none of them.

Yoongi reached into his pocket and brought out a small velvet pounch. In it was a dainty little diamond ring, the studs circling in a simple and elegant design. He held the ring to you and you simply gaped at him.

“Baby…You know I love you. I know you love me. So you messed up, who doesn’t? You’re human, and I denied you of what you needed and I am sorry for that. Marry me y/n. Marry me and leave this place with me. Let’s go where no one can ever find us, and be together forever”

You were too young for this. Sure, being in a long-term relationship might not have the same freedoms as being single, but being married was a whole other level of commitment. You knew it would come eventually, but it was still so sudden. But how could you say no? What right did you have to deny the kindness and love of this man after what you did to him? You couldn’t be an even bigger bitch and end your relationship after this could you? It would look so bad. People would think you dumped him because he didn’t want to have sex, which would make you look like a slut and then…

Your mind was dizzy. Yoongi simply chuckled, beginning to kiss the tops of your knees. Inching slowly in the direction of your thighs.

Once his lips were close enough to the hems of your pajama shorts that you were sensitive, you let out a surprised yelp. Yoongi grinned, face still pressed in the inside of your thigh, ring in hand. He wiggled his tongue in a way to push past the cloth, looking up at you briefly with a twinkle in his eye before his hot tongue barely traced your heat.

“Y…yoongi” Your heart rate picked up as Yoongi bit the crotch of your shorts and began to drag it down. It was an erotic sight, and you couldn’t help but feel shivers as you anticipated his next move. Then he did something shocking. He took the diamond ring and placed it flat against your exposed clit, his finger in the circle holding it against you. The cold metal felt amazing. He slowly dragged the ring along your folds, watching as you twitched. He lined the ring up with your entrance and next thing you know he shoved his finger through the ring and into you. You cursed loudly.

“Just say yes. Say you’ll marry me and I’ll give you everything you need baby girl”

He twisted the ring harshly against you causing you to squirm. “F…fuck yes. I’ll marry you. I love you. I love you” You were chanting like it was your mantra. Yoongi grinned and slid this ring onto your finger. He stared momentarily at your hand before returning his gaze to you and capturing your lips in a deep kiss. He kissed you with a hunger you had never quite felt from him before.

“I love you y/n. Now it’s just you and me.” He whispered as he trailed kisses down to your collar, using his skilled tongue and teeth to wiggle off each button, his hands planted on your thighs. He disrobed you, sliding your body to the edge of the chair in order to give him access. You let your legs spread wide. You almost couldn’t believe what was happening.

You had dreamt of this moment for so long. The day you would finally be able to have your boyfriend’s cock buried deep in you. The day where you could curse out his name in pleasure and love him right like he deserved.

Yoongi got up to take off his own clothes. You had never seen him fully naked before, just his chest. You always had an inkling he was big, after feeling him get hard after steamy make-out sessions. Him then politely stepping away to calm down, then cuddling with you affectionately.

His cock popped out, already hard and eager. You couldn’t help but lick your lips at the sight. Yoongi shook his head to try to get his hair out of his eyes, and an evil smirked played his lips. He stroked his cock harshly while looking at you.

“Look at you” He sneered, “My little slut, so eager for me. You needed cock so bad you’d just go anywhere for it isn’t that right hm?” You shook your head.

“Yoongi…I’m yours…I just want you” You tried to spread your legs even wider, the chair beneath you pressing into your back uncomfortably.

Yoongi walked up close so that he was standing inches away from where your legs were splayed out for him. “Show me how sorry you are you whore” He spat. You whimpered, his words hitting too close to home. You blinked back tears as he slowly lowered himself onto you, the rails of the chair almost cutting into your skin, making you wince in pain.

“Yoongi…let’s go to the bed…” You suggested weakly as his kisses found your breasts and he nipped away at you. He shook his head, allowing his face to pummel in the suffocation of your tits.

“Do you deserve the bed?”

“No but…” You looked away, “It’s our first time”

Yoongi paused, his head still rested against the valley of your chest. He got up suddenly and gripped your hips, picking you up off the chair into his arms. Your naked legs wrapped around him, and your wet core could feel his toned stomach. You couldn’t help but grind at the friction. Yoongi kissed you again, gentler now, his lips swallowing you in so that you could feel every ounce of his pure love. He carried you to the bed and slowly released you onto you back.

He stroked himself a few more times before lining himself up with your entrance. You were soaking at this point, your pussy drooling for cock.

“I love you” He said, not looking at you so much as the desperate clenches of your pussy onto nothing.

“I love you too babe” Now he looked at you. A dark gaze had overtaken him. The love in his eyes was absolutely gone, and there seemed to me a strange aura of anger.

“You’re mine y/n. Once this cock goes in, it’s the only cock you’re ever going to get.”

“I know baby”

“I’m going to fuck you. All the time. You and me, just you and me. You’re all mine. All mine to play with”He started to rub his cock in circles against you, “My little girl, sweet little whore all for me to fuck whenever I want to.” He entered you in one thrust, causing you to yelp as the push of the girth against your walls was too sudden for you to adjust.

“Gonna fuck you up so good” He exhaled, funding into you mercileslly, “My wife, my beautiful fucking wife. My little cocksleeve, baby girl ohhhh” You squirmed in frustration as Yoongi came inside you, his hot seed reaching the depths of you and filling you to the brim. “Shit. You felt so good baby, I’m sorry”

You shook your head. You were more than pleased with the experience. “It’s okay baby.”

“I’ll make it up to you” He pulled out and rolled you into his embrace, nuzzling his face into your chest. “I’ll make you cum so many times baby, we have forever to do it. You’re all mine now”

“Yes baby, all yours”

-

Jungkook bit his nails nervously. He had called up an old hacker friend to help him get into Yoongi’s computer. Something was off. Jungkook would know. Cameras? It had to be Yoongi. It made too much sense, but the question was why. Why would he want the whole school to see someone else fucking his girlfriend?

“Jungkook” His friend, Seokjin, was typing away frantically into a large computer, “Bro this is fucking insane”

“What?” Jungkook rolled his seat up to get a better look at the screen. They now had accessed Yoongi’s servers, and there was all the incoming footage from various cameras all around campus. Under each panel was a small description: Y/n’s biology class, Y/n’s favorite bathroom, etc.

“This guy keeps fucking tabs on his bitch yo. I thought you said they’d been together for a while”

“They have…” Jungkook peered at the footage. “Somehow I don’t think she knows he watches her like this”

“No shit” Seokjin made wild eyes at Jungkook sarcastically and smacked him. Jungkook rolled his eyes.

“I have to tell her. Something is fucked here”

“Look, I don’t know these people, but I have heard about guys sort of isolating their girls so that they become really, like, dependent or something. So that they can take them away and do whatever they want. Pretty fucked.”

Jungkook considered his friends words. “You might be onto something…He could be guilting her into staying with him…” Like an epiphany, the pieces fell together, “Marriage. He’s gonna make her marry him.”

“That’s fucked.”

“Dude shut-up,” Jungkook snapped, his protective instinct now in overdrive. “Give me your keys, I need to tell her. I have to go save her”

“Why?” Seokjin chuckled, “It’s really none of your business. You barely know her too, you guys are nothing but classmates” Jungkook’s heart dropped at the statement.

He shouldn’t care right? He was better now. Was interfering in her life just him becoming obsessive again? Was he reading too much into it?

“Fuck. You’re right. I’m insane” He exhaled, “My first instinct was to hack into her boyfriend’s computer uh, I clearly need to calm down” Seokjin hummed in agreement as he continued to click around on Yoongi’s server.

There were a few moments of silence before something inside Jungkook just ticked. She wasn’t safe. He could just tell. She needed him. He had to find her. “No…no, dude. If there is even a slight chance that she’s in danger I can’t…I can’t let that happen” Seokjin shrugged and tossed him his keys. Jungkook let the key ring twirl on his finger as he quickly dashed out of his apartment.

Yoongi and you had been at it for hours, not being able to get enough of each other’s bodies. You were xausted, laying on the couch butt naked, straddling Yoongi and hugging him tightly. Your skin was sweaty, and so was his. You guys were sticking to one another like glue. The smell of sex was evident throughout the room. You probably would have fallen asleep like that if it weren’t for the sudden phrasing on your door.

“Y/n! Y/n are you in there! It’s Jungkook, please it’s important!” He screamed urgently. Your eyes widened and you looked at Yoongi who simply had a silly grin on his face. He released his hold on you, allowing you to get up

“Um…give me second” You called back, running to your room to find some clothes. Yoongi got dressed as well.

You opened the door and Jungkook popped inside the moment he could fit through the crack.

“I…I need to show you something” Jungkook glanced at Yoongi who was simply grinning with an interested expression. “In my apartment…please…look I know you don’t want to be seen with me, but I promise you I did not film us. I didn’t even want” Yoongi glared at him and he shut his mouth, “Look please, please Y/n you have to believe me. Come over and I’ll show you”

He was gripped your forearms tightly and you wiggled away. “Um…I’m definitely not going to go to your apartment Jungkook” You scoffed, “Just say what you have to say right here”

Jungkook gulped, and Yoongi licked his lips, extremely amused and anticipating the events that were going to follow.

“Can we talk in private?” Jungkook looked deep into your eyes, searching for any small ounce of trust you might have left in him, and ultimately coming up dry.

“No. Just say what you have to say” You said, crossing your arms.

Yoongi paced over to where Y/n was standing and placed a hand on your hip from behind. Jungkook glared at him and he glared right back.

“It was you” Jungkook said dryly, a serious expression causing him to clench his jaw, “You’re a fucking psycho”

Yoongi tilted his head to the side, “Excuse me?”

“You filmed us. She didn’t tell you to pay me to fuck her did she? Hm? No. You, you paid me to fuck her and you filmed it, you live streamed it so that the whole world could see. All so that she wouldn’t have anywhere to turn but to you. You’re a manipulative bastard and a predator and Y/n” Jungkook met your outraged eyes, “You are not safe with this guy. I have proof”

“What the fuck are you saying? Are you high?” You slapped him harshly.

There was a moment of silence as Jungkook touched the side of his face that you hit, looking back up at you bitterly. “I know it sounds crazy. But he literally has cameras following you around everywhere. He watches your every move. He’s sick. Go to his computer and check if you don’t believe me”

“Actually it’s funny you should say that” Yoongi piped in, a charming expression still on display, “The other day I found something really interesting about you Jungkook” He quickly went and grabbed his laptop, opening it up to show them the screen. “You’re calling me a psyco, but you really just want Y/n all to yourself don’t you. You’re the one who’s a creep. I mean,” He scoffed, “I can’t believe you filmed this” He pressed play.

The blood drained from Jungkook’s face. It was a video of you and him. All those years ago. Fucking senselessly, two horny teenagers, all over your house.

Your mouth hung open in shock. You blinked, looking from the screen to Jungkook to try to convince yourself what you were seeing was real.

“You…when did this happen…is that me?” You stuttered, the scenes unfolding in the video overwhelming you. It was definitely your house, and he was definitely moaning your name.

“Y/n…No, I…” Jungkook was at a loss for words. He glared at Yoongi, who was smirking still.

Jungkook grabbed your hair and shoved you up against the window, your chest pressing into the glass. Anyone walking past would be able to see your naked body on display. He let his nose trace from your ear to the back of your neck, inhaling your sweet aroma. You whined his name, trembling as his grip tightened and he pulled your hair back.

“You know how many times I’ve wanted to do this? Hm? You know how bad I’ve wanted to just bend you over and fuck you right when I see you? Years. I’ve wanted this for years. Such a sweet…sweet girl. I knew you’d taste so sweet” He thrusted into you and you moaned his name in pleasure. “Just like that my sweet baby, mmm. Scream for me. Tell me how much you love it” He turned you around and picked up through legs, stopping briefly to remove his glasses.

“Wait…” You panted, your breasts heaving with your deep expirations. “Keep them on”

Jungkook smirked.

“Why?”

“I…I like them…I like you…”

You dropped the the floor in shock. You couldn’t remember any of this, but you did remember feeling some type of way about Jungkook’s glasses. You didn’t even want to know what happened. You needed him to leave. You just wanted Yoongi. Yoongi was simple, kind, and loved you. Jungkook was only making life more and more complicated.

“Get out” You growled at him.

“Y/n…please I know how this looks but you have to believe me”

“He’s clearly obsessed with you. Went to your highschool, followed you to college and didn’t even tell you. He’s probably been stalking you this whole time” Yoongi muttered, clicking his tongue in pity, “Poor guy probably has something wired wrong in his head. I hope you get the help you need Jungkook, really. But I think you better go if Y/n doesn’t want you here” Yoongi politely put his hand on Jungkook’s back to lead him out.

“Y/n! He’s crazy. Yoongi is crazy. He paid me to have sex with you I…” Jungkook held up his wrist, “He gave me this watch! Half a million dollars to do it. See?” You looked to see he was in fact telling the truth, Yoongi’s pricey watch was on his wrist. Yoongi turned to you and gave you a concerned look.

“Oh gosh. I’ve been looking for this, I though I lost it somewhere.” He said innocently, sliding the watch off of Jungkook’s wrist. “Did you steal this Jungkook? Look, my buddy knows a really good therapist, I’ll email you his contact information, please do get some help okay”

“No…” Jungkook struggled violently against Yoongi who was calmly trying to push him out the door, “Y/n…please believe me…I…I don’t even like you okay. I don’t!”

You scoffed, hands open aimlessly as you sat on the floor, still dazed. The tape of you and Jungkook still playing.

Finally Yoongi managed to drag Jungkook out. He was gone for a bit, but you didn’t notice because you were lost in pure shock, trying to desperately search your memory for answers.

When Yoongi came back, he was wearing a pair of glasses. “Hi baby. Are you feeling any better? Poor thing” He knelt down by your side.

“Are those Jungkooks?” You asked. Yoongi nodded, taking the frames off into his hands.

“Yeah. I figured if you like them I may as well take them”

“He just gave you his glasses?”

Yoongi paused.

“I just…took them” Right after he beat in his skull with a baseball bat in the alley behind your apartment.

#bangtansmutnet #bts smut net #btssmutcentral #bangtansmutcentral #bangtansmut #yoongi smut #yoongi x reader #jungkook smut #jungkook fic recs #jungkook smut recs #jungkook yandere #yoongi yandere #yandere!bts #yandere!yoongi #jungkook fanfic #btssmut #bts smut #yoongi fic recs #yoongi x you

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 23)

Sorry. It's been a hot second... I missed a day because I got so busy with school that I actually forgot to update and also I just didn't have the time anyway. It's definitely not the end of the world but I'll post on Friday as well to make up for missing Monday.

In this part, we'll complete the Time-Travel Arc. Mikan makes a big choice and Natsume has to deal with the fact that he's the only one who can't dedicate himself to waiting, because he doesn't have enough time to, especially if Mikan won't be around.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty

They’ve just seen Yuka finally give birth to Mikan.

Natsume has been by Mikan’s side this whole time, because he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

But she’s about to make an announcement, because she’s decided something. Natsume looks shocked, almost like he knows what is even before she’s said it, but she is interrupted by another one of his coughing fits. He’s not the kind of person who’d want others to watch him suffer.

My throat hurts just looking at him.

When we first met Natsume, he went on frequent visits to the hospital. He was in a state of particular illness when he was kidnapped by Reo. After that, we saw the condition he was in while in bed during the Kaname/Bear chapter. I’d said then that Natsume was always in that much pain, but he managed to keep it to himself and tough it out until he was by himself in his room at night. Even after, when Tsubasa first finds out, he’s able to mostly keep it to himself.

Natsume is the kind of person who wants to keep his suffering to himself. He doesn’t like being caught with blood in his palm or dripping out of his nose. But he’s been getting worse and worse and he can’t keep up with his body anymore. He can’t always tough it out and pretend like he’s fine until he’s all alone anymore. He’s coughing more and more. His body can’t take it anymore. He’s in significantly worse shape now than he was when we first met him, and he was already dying then too.

The fact that he can’t hold it back, even in such an important moment when Mikan is about to make an important announcement, even when he’s surrounded by people, just goes to show how much suffering he’s in and how much worse it’s getting.

He brushes it off, like he always does, hiding his blood and reaching for the healing alice stone around his neck. He doesn’t want the attention on him, especially not for the sake of his stupid dying body.

But Kaoru has collapsed when running from the Academy pursuers. Yuka feels responsible, especially since Kaoru is in an especially vulnerable, pregnant state. So she gives Kaoru the alice stone she received from little Subaru. This is the same alice stone that Natsume just used for relief. It has passed many hands to end up in Natsume’s possession.

In the next scene they’re shown, Kaoru is struggling more than ever. They’re being pursued and Kaoru collapses again. Yuka finally realizes it: that Kaoru has the fourth type of alice, and she’s dying. She urges Kaoru to go easy on herself, for the sake of everyone, and then teleports away, unwilling to let her best friend suffer for her anymore.

We see a little flashback of Natsume getting Subaru’s alice stone for the first time. Kaoru gives it to him since she can see right away that he’s like her, getting sick whenever he uses his alice. It’s to protect him in her stead, because she knows that her life has a time limit on it. She then tells him he has to take care of his father and sister, and although she had nothing but good intentions, entrusting such a huge responsibility to a child, one that is already suffering with a life-shortening alice shape, can be damaging. And from what we know about Natsume, we know that he took all those words to heart and made it his only life’s mission to protect the people he loves, to the detriment of his own life and health.

Natsume has seen a great deal of his mother just now, and he’d never felt so close to her before. This is more than he’d ever known. He didn’t know about her bond with Yuka, or the true extent that Kaoru went through for her friend.

But Mikan is looking at him, and she’s obviously putting pieces together. So she asks him if he’s the same as his mother.

Natsume never wants anyone to worry about him. We know for a fact that he’s dying. We know that his body is in terrible shape. But Mikan is already crying, just at the thought of what he’s been suffering through. If he were to be honest now, as blunt as possible, then he would just be more of a burden. He doesn’t want her worrying about her and that’s more important than being honest. All he wants is to comfort her and minimize the pain she feels to the best of his ability.

LIAR!

So he hugs her again, and tells her that he won’t die, that he will not leave her.

But this moment isn’t all about comforting Mikan. He wants to live too. He doesn’t want to die. He promises that he’ll make it because he wants to believe it too. A long time ago, more than a hundred chapters ago, Natsume was willing to blow himself up so that his suffering could finally come to an end. He didn’t see any more value in his life. All he ever did was burden people around him. He felt like he couldn’t protect anybody, like all did was drag the people he loves into darkness. When he met Mikan, that changed. She talked about his future like he had one and even though he’s been resisting, ever since, he’s also seen it. He desperately wants what he’s always forbidden himself. He can’t have even half of what Yuka had dreamt of: getting married and starting a family with someone you love, making a warm home.

Of course he’d like that too! But he won’t make it. His whole life, he’s known he wouldn’t make it. Why waste his time trying anyway? Why waste the girl’s time just to break her heart? He won’t be able to live that long, so he’s distanced himself from everyone. He won’t make friends or really try with the girl he loves because it would be for nothing. From the beginning he tried to accept that and just deal with it, but the longer he knew Mikan and the further he fell in love with her, the harder that was to stick with. How can you give up on something that your whole heart is screaming for? He wants to live. He wants to be with Mikan, as long as he can.

He’s not making this promise out of callousness. He’s making it because he wants it to be true. He doesn't want to break it. He wants to be able to have a future.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-One

Natsume and Mikan are hugging. She’s crying, because she doesn’t want him to die. He’s promising he won’t go, because he also doesn’t want to die. But they’re not alone. He looks up at Ruka and immediately feels guilt.

It's been nice seeing the return of Natsume&Ruka again... The gap arc and even the Sports Fest really lacked their dynamic and it always bothers me how little they interact during that time. Seeing Ruka now stick up for Natsume and consider his feelings watching the flashbacks regarding Kaoru, and now giving Natsume his blessing... It's just nice to have my favorite friendship back.

So far, Natsume has done his all to be Team Ruka. He wants his best friend to be happy, for the girl he loves to be happy, so why not together? They deserve happiness. He has forbidden himself from even considering that Mikan could ever choose him. He can’t make anybody happy, after all. All he does is drag people into darkness, steal their smiles away like he did to Ruka, leave them unprotected like he did to Aoi, leave them all alone and lonely like he did to his father. But he can’t leave the embrace now.

He looks at Ruka with guilt because he is sorry. He really did try not to end up like this.

I get a little confused with this, but it's made clear at the beginning of the arc that the time window makes it possible for telepathic conversations, so we know for sure that Natsume is hearing these words from Ruka, receiving his blessing, but it also looks like Mikan can hear it too, and perhaps everyone else. How the heck would I know! Whatever. The possibility of her hearing will be covered in the next POV essay. Why does Mikan keep trying to weasel her way into Natsume's chapter anyway? Stay in your lane, Mikan. You'll have your turn!

But Ruka doesn’t want Natsume to be sorry. He loves Natsume too. And if he can’t be with the girl he loves, then he would want her to be with Natsume, who loves her too, who prioritizes her happiness. He would want her to be with Natsume, because she makes him happy and gave him a reason to live. Natsume wouldn’t make that kind of promise and want to mean it if he hadn’t met Mikan. So Ruka urges Natsume to stop holding back. He’d been resisting for so long, not being honest and not doing what he wanted to this whole time because he always put everyone else’s happiness above his own.

But the flashbacks continue, and Yuka has no choice but to give Mikan up, so that her daughter will not suffer the way she has. All she wants is for Mikan to be safe and happy, so she lets her go and suffers on her own.

Mikan has made her decision, but everyone already knew it would end up this way. She will leave the academy to be with her mother.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Two

Facing the news, Natsume is shocked. He knew it would end with Mikan choosing to leave with Yuka too, but he really didn’t want it to be like this.

Hotaru and Tsubasa and Ruka and everyone else can promise to meet Mikan again in the future, no matter how long it takes. But if Mikan isn’t there, what kind of future has Natsume been looking forward to?

Watch this, Lis! You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half!

Natsume isn’t selfish, though. He won’t say anything. He stays silent because it wouldn’t be fair. But this is the saddest that he’s been in quite some time. He’s heartbroken. If she leaves, he won’t ever see her again. He will die. He doesn’t have eternity to promise her, even if he wants to.

She looks at him to say sorry that it has to be this way, but Natsume’s feelings show on his face and she crumbles too. He won’t say anything, because he genuinely doesn’t want to make this harder for her than it already is, but even for someone like him, who always puts himself dead last, it’s hard to not feel these feelings of heartbreak.

I have a lot of love for this arc, especially because of the parallels. It’s pretty clear that Natsume got his looks and a lot of personality traits from Kaoru. He looks just like her, if a lot less smiley, and he’s also prone to dry humor and teasing his friends when he’s in a good mood. But the darker elements of his personality--like his tendency to give everything up and the fact that he’s suffered his entire life--have so much in common with Yuka, too. I’m sure Natsume noticed the similarities too.

Yuka had to give Mikan up to protect her, even though she loves her more than anything, even though all she really wanted was to start a family with her. Yuka’s future will never be what she wanted it to be. She will never be able to watch Mikan grow up. She has to give it up for Mikan’s sake.

"I couldn't protect her in any way but to let her go." - Natsume from the moment he fell in love with Mikan (it's actually a Yuka quote jsyk, I'm just making a connection). Why didn't we ever get a real Natsume-Yuka interaction? I've been robbed.

And Natsume gives Mikan up too, even though all he wants is a future with her, even though he loves her more than anything. Just like Yuka, his future will not be a pleasant one. They give up their own little pocket of sunshine so that the sunshine doesn’t get bogged down by the darkness they have to live in all the time. There is too much dark for light like that to survive.

The next scene that we see is Kaoru on the run, driving as fast as she can from some pursuers. Yuka just wants Kaoru to be safe, but it’s not to be. Her car crashes into a bus or a truck and her life ends.

Natsume has no choice but to watch it happen. Natsume isn’t as emotive as Mikan. He doesn’t run to the window to keep it from happening. He doesn’t collapse onto the floor. He simply stands there and keeps all the pain to himself. He wants to be the person Mikan can rely on for comfort, but he would never turn to somebody else for comfort, to burden them with his sadness. He won’t do it for his heartbreak, and he won’t do it for his mother’s death. He just takes it all on his own, because he always does. Besides, he always knew this would happen.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Three

He wants to just take it all on his own, but almost everyone is worried about him. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t even have a moment of mourning for himself before the topic is suddenly changed to the Z boss. I understand that in universe they might be feeling stressed for what’s happening back in the present, and all the questions anybody brings up are important to talk about, but I do personally resent this a little. Natsume doesn’t even have the time to be comforted by anybody because the moment is suddenly on anything and everything else. Just like Mikan, he had to watch a parent die, but nobody’s had the time to hold him. Even if he wouldn’t let them worry, I’d rather see what would happen when his friends try. If there was just a little more time spent on Natsume’s reaction to it, and his friends wanting to comfort him, I’d feel better. As it is, the scene simply moves on as though it hardly matters. Not my favorite transitional moment in the arc, for sure.

So Mikan got many pages of rightfully being able to cry and mourn her father but Natsume gets this one page for his mother before everyone changes the subject? Jeez, Natsume, it happened like ten years ago! When are you gonna just get over it already?! I guess on the next page. Everyone else does, after all. :/

Although there was hardly any time for Natsume to mourn his mother (I’m still salty), Tono makes sure to take the time so everyone can give Mikan an alice stone for the future. Everyone tries to make her a stone, and they all vary in size and shape. Mikan catches Natsume’s eye. He’s the only one who hasn’t given her one yet.

He wordlessly gestures to the necklace with alice stones that she’s wearing. She finally knows for sure that the mysterious red stone she got before Valentine’s Day was from Natsume. He won’t say anything about what it meant for him. He stays silent the whole time, because anything he says could just make things harder. He’s already said what he needed to, without saying a word: that little pebble she gave him meant the world to him, so he had to give her something in return.

I want to see Natsume cry. I want to see him bawling. Why don't we get to see this kid cry? I'm pissed about it. Why does he swallow everything? No wonder he's so fucking sick.

Maybe Natsume doesn't say anything because there's nothing more to say. Maybe he stays quiet because he doesn't trust himself to not sound bitter or upset if he does. Maybe he shuts up because he's just been through an emotional ordeal and can't bring himself to. An emotional goodbye with Mikan seems like something he'd want, but it's less painful for both of them to not address any of the feelings he's been obvious about all night. It's an elephant in the room she doesn't need to point out. He doesn't want to get rejected. It's enough that she knows that she's loved, even if she doesn't love him back. Even if she never will because she's leaving and he'll never see her again. He'd rather they have this as their formal goodbye (not that they're parting right away) so that he doesn't say the wrong thing or hear the inconvenient thing.

He's put his whole heart on his sleeve and she hasn't said it back all night. He can guess for himself what that means, and he's accepted it. He accepted it from the beginning, when she first tackled him in that warehouse. She knows how he feels now. She has his stone around her neck too. That's the most he'll get forever, and he'll accept it. Accepting things is what he does.

Conclusion

Natsume loves Mikan and she knows it. There's no way that after everything that happened this night that she could walk away oblivious. She hasn't said much about her own feelings, so Natsume has no reason to assume she feels the same. He's about to be separated from her, and even though it's one of the hardest things he's ever had to deal with, he does. He swallows it, like he always does, and doesn't say a single word in protest.

In the next segment, we'll see Natsume continue to swallow it. He completely surrenders, because they only thing he really wants is for Mikan to be safe. He gives up completely. He won't even say goodbye when he's about to part with her for good, but one tiny moment will change everything and uproot every single assumption Natsume has ever made about how she must feel about him.

Sorry if this isn't properly cleaned up. I felt okay starting the editing process but I started feeling a bit sick as I went along and now I'm tired. It's late. Anyway I'll probably update tomorrow's much earlier in the day, after I visit the clinic to find out if I'm anemic. Yes, I am stupid (locked myself out of my car again) AND possibly anemic (hair keeps falling out). We exist.

It seems like the tags won't let me say it but the title image is Populaire-flavored (Zoe gets it, no doubt). Macarons and retro outfits bring Populaire to mind. I like that movie.

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#gakuen alice #alice academy #hyuuga natsume #natsume hyuuga #natsumikan #sakura mikan #mikan sakura #my meta #ga #mine #ga meta #ga meta: nm #ga meta: manga #ga meta: manga nm #let's talk about natsumikan #let's talk about natsumikan: natsume #we'll talk abt mikan 'not reciprocating' in her version #it has no place here. here we only have natsumes sickeningly low self esteem #gosh he really depresses me. i want to protect this child. #end child abuse 2021 #anyway i was writing this essay and came across certain images of this child with a knife in his back and i got very angry #so i changed my blog title #ruka has a canon defense group so ill be natsumes #i will protect him always bc nobody does in canon and too many ppl hate him irl #dni if u hate natsume lmao #anyway song for this segment is boats and birds by gregory and the hawk #(demo version is my fav) #lots of giving up in that song #god if he could just be selfish i would be happy #the title image is good. theyre a very fancy married couple

[echo-of-sounds]

depressive episode

How Aizawa, Toshinori, and Hizashi would help and support their s/o going through a depressive episode.

Warnings: self-harm and reference to suicidal thinking

Aizawa Shouta

Aizawa is well acquainted with depression. He knows what it does to a person. He doesn’t talk about it even though it’s lingered with him most of his life. When you start a relationship with him, it will take some time but he will eventually open up to you about it. He’ll also tell you that if you suffer from depression, he’s always there for you and will always listen because, unlike other mental illnesses, he understands this one.

He’s quick to pick up on the signs of a depressive episode hitting. He’ll probably notice them before you. Things like changes in your eating and sleeping habits, an increase in your anxiety and restlessness, and your emotions gradually lowering. He’ll bring it up during downtime together, maybe while you’re laying in bed or when both of you are quietly doing your own thing. He wants to catch you when you’re relaxed as to not overwhelm you or put you on the spot.

Don’t try brushing it off. He obviously knows something’s wrong and if you keep insisting you’re fine, it’s very possible it will escalate into an argument (the exact thing he wanted to avoid). He’s not the best with his words and emotions so when you brush off what he’s saying he almost feels like you’re ignoring his feelings. He wants you to understand and listen to what he’s saying, especially when his concerns are about you. Because he is the other half of this relationship.

If your energy plummets and you can’t do everything you need, Shouta has no problem doing the extra housework, helping with your physical health, and even making calls or writing emails for you. He’s always been busy so he thinks nothing of it. But when the guilt starts to eat away because you should be able to brush your teeth without feeling like you’re going to collapse, he’ll remind you of everything you’ve done for him. Most after the USJ incident or when his stress causes him to shut down a little. You’ve helped him in the past for nothing in return, doing it out of pure love. He’ll always return the favor for you.

If self-harm happens, he won’t judge. Whether it’s cutting, burning, hitting yourself, or punching a wall, he’s going to bandage you up and lay down with you in his arms for the rest of the day. It’s okay if you cry. He might cry as well. Seeing you hurt so badly in a way where you would bring yourself physical harm just to feel a minuscule amount of relief for five damn minutes truly, truly, breaks his heart. Again, he will never judge. But he really might cry.

Whenever he gets a sinking feeling about your mental health getting worse, we will come right out and ask if you’re thinking about suicide. He might take you off guard with his bluntness but he does need to know. You don’t have to go into details, that’s for you and your therapist. He just wants to see that you’re safe in your home.

Yagi Toshinori

Since the foundation of his career is helping people and he’s met some in incredibly difficult situations, Toshi has taken it upon himself to learn about mental illnesses. Now, he’s not on the same level as a therapist or psychiatrist, but he is aware of the different signs and symptoms and how to support people that need help. 

Depressive episodes hit differently each time. Stress, physical health, work, and all sorts of other things can affect how it hits. Sometimes you’re still functional. Sometimes you shut down completely. Toshi will change the way he helps depending on how you’re affected.

He knows functional depression doesn’t mean it’s any less severe or scary than the other. If you’re able to get up and go to work/school, he’ll text you often. He’ll ask how your mood is for the day. You don’t have to respond with words. You can just use emojis if you want. He’ll remind you how much he loves you, how proud he is of you, and amazing you are. Some cute puppy or kitten pictures might be tacked on to a few of those messages.

If you become nonfunctioning, this man is ready to be your caretaker. When he gets home from work, he checks if you’ve eaten and taken your pills. He makes a plain and nutritious meal for you. He’ll also ask if you’ve taken care of your physical health. A shower/bath can feel absolutely impossible so he’ll help run a cool washcloth over your body and get a new change of clothes. Brushing your teeth, taking care of your hair, or getting up for a little while are other things he’ll check and assist you with.

All of his doting can feel overbearing. Whether or not it actually is, is up for debate (mainly because that stuff doesn’t even take an hour). But depression amplifies guilt, grief, and helplessness over the most simple things. So it feels like it’s too much. Talk with him. Seriously, never be afraid to talk with him about anything. He’s patient. He’ll listen. Even if you get angry, annoyed, or frustrated, seemingly over nothing, he’ll pay attention to every word you say and help talk you down.

He’s aware of how the mind can turn on itself. He’s struggled with it as well. So, like Aizawa, he will bring up suicide, just not as bluntly. Expect soft conversations, a lot of hugging, and tears. Because if you cry he definitely will. He won’t push you to share more than you want or can. Everything he does is fueled by love and to make sure you’re not only safe but feel safe as well.

Yamada Hizashi

His initial reaction depends on if this is the first one you’ve gone through while in a relationship with him. You can hide depressive episodes from friends and family, whether you’re functional during it or not, but when you’re in a close relationship with someone, the dynamic changes. 

Hizashi is quite open with many of his emotions. He’s in tune with his friend’s and more so with his partner’s. He can sense something’s wrong, just not exactly what. If you don’t talk to him for a while or he feels your mood has shifted in a really bad way, he will approach you about it, scared that he might have done something to upset you. All his worries will leave when you explain whats going on.

He’s very realistic when it comes to what you need and what he can give. He’ll cuddle you or give you space. He’ll help with work or leave you to it. Sometime’s he’ll try encouraging you to do the dishes or go for a walk if you haven’t in a while. It all depends on your ability and he’s always respectful of what you can and can’t do.

When your feelings sink, you want to cry or scream, or just lay motionless, completely alone, because everything is too much, he will take action. He makes you food even if he has to sit there and watch you eat it. He reminds you to take your medications even if they make you nauseous. He brings you to appointments even if he has to carry you. He won’t let you lose any of the progress you’ve made because he loves you and knows you will get through this.

If you self-harm, he’ll remain calm on the outside so he doesn’t worry you. But on the inside, he is freaking out a little. He doesn’t have a great deal of experience helping people with this type of thing. And it’s worse because it’s you. There’s more love in his heart for you than you could understand and to see self-inflicted wounds on your body is downright agonizing. But he won’t criticize, put you down, or make you feel guilty about it. Your thoughts and feelings are complex and sometimes difficult to control. So after an incident happens, he’ll make sure you’re clean and safe, wrap you in his arms, and try to distract you from your own mind.

However, your injuries do get stuck in his head and distract him throughout the day. He’ll text whenever he can, call every break, speed home after work. Other people will quickly notice he’s become more anxious, almost distressed. He won’t tell them why if they ask, but… 

This brings up an extremely important issue that needs to be discussed. Hizashi is an emotional man- your pain and hurt affect him deeply. Both of you need to talk in-depth about your feelings. You might not always have the energy for a full-length conversation and he might feel like he’s pushing you, but communication is key. He needs it. It’s the best way to help him and, in doing so, he can understand and help you better. Have a small discussion every night, even if it’s only a few questions, just to let the other know if they’re okay or not.

#aizawa shouta #aizawa x reader #aizawa shouta x reader #all might #all might x reader #yagi toshinori #toshinori x reader #present mic #present mic x reader #yamada hizashi #hizashi x reader #aizawa headcanons #all might headcanons #present mic headcanons #bnha #bnha x reader #bnha headcanons #tw self harm #tw suicidal thinking #tw depression

[crankynewt]

Chapter One - Losing Game

Another Love Series Masterlist

Pairing: Regulus Black x Fem!Reader, Young!Remus Lupin x Fem!Reader

Song: Arcade - Duncan Laurence

Warnings: Tons of Angst, Major Character Deaths, Pregnancy(?), and I definitely altered the timeline!

Word Count: 1.76k

Masterlist

Author’s Note: This is pretty angsty and was based on this song (which has always given me massive Reggie vibes), and I HIGHLY recommend listening to it when reading this!

Perhaps your love was doomed from the start. Maybe you were just another Shakesperian tale of forbidden romance destined to conclude in nothing but suffering. He was your light despite the darkness that had encompassed him his entire life and although the war was over, the pain still remained. 

You had begged Regulus not to leave that night, tears blurring your vision as he explained that he had to be the one to destroy the horcrux. “There is no other way,” he had said, his voice shaky with the knowledge that this would likely be his end. You were young, too young, to be fighting this war. A battle that neither of you had any business being involved in the first place. Yet there you were, children who had grown up too quickly.

When he hadn’t returned the next morning, it hadn’t come as any surprise. You mourned the loss of your husband the minute he’d walked out that door. You weren’t vapid and neither was he, you were both well aware of what would happen in that cave. Whether or not Regulus succeeded, however, still remained to be seen. 

The isolation following the death of Regulus Black was something you brought upon yourself. You couldn’t stand seeing muggles continuing to lead their lives as if nothing had happened. Your world crumbled out from beneath you as the universe became a much darker place, so why haven’t they stopped? A person - your person - had died, how could people continue to lead their normal lives?  We were still at war, how could they not sense that something was horribly wrong?

The loneliness made you ill after a month, so sick that you were constantly emptying the contents of your stomach into your toilet as you lay on the cool tile. What prompted you to eventually seek out another were the two little lines on the plastic test. Before long you had apparated to Godric’s hollow, the crisp snow of December crunching under your feet as you made your way up the steps of a quaint looking house. It felt much more homey than the Grimmauld flat you’d been residing in, a slight comfort that what laid behind the door you knocked on may be just as welcoming.

The face that answered the door was kind, warm eyes and a welcoming smile framed by ginger locks. You never spoke to her during your years at Hogwarts due to the two years she had on you, but you knew the girl to be Lily Evans. Judging by the slight furrowing of her brows she had recognized you as well, probably unsure as to why Regulus Black’s wife had shown up on her doorstep seemingly out of nowhere.

“Uhm, is Sirius Black here by any chance?” You asked quietly, your gloved hands rubbing your arms as you fought off the evening’s chill. She need not answer as a pair of brown orbs peered at you from behind her.

“What are you doing here, (Y/N)?” Sirius questioned, bitterness lacing his words as he took in your frail appearance. The elder Black did not think highly of his little brother - the Death Eater, or so he thought. Yet Regulus had relayed numerous stories from their childhood that revealed that in earlier years of their lives, the duo had been inseparable. You were just hoping that some of that affection still remained.

“Can we please talk? It’s about your brother.” You said, voice wavering as you shivered in the cold. Lily seemingly took notice of this and ushered you into the warmth of their home, closing the door behind you and leaving the in-laws to speak in the front entryway.

“If Regulus has something to say to me than the little shit can come tell me himself-”

“Sirius, what are you talking about?” You asked incredulously. “Regulus died two months ago.”

Sirius had not been speechless many times in his life, yet there he stood with his head reeling, heart broken, and tears slowly welling in his eyes. At the end of the day, Regulus would always be his baby brother. And in that silence he sat and listened, taking in all of what had happened the past year. From Regulus deciding to turn on Voldemort to the fateful night destroying his horcrux, Sirius felt both pride and guilt building underneath the grief. Regulus had been a good person who gave his life doing the right thing, all in belief of the same values that had gotten himself disowned.

When you mentioned the pregnancy, Sirius once again found himself dumbstruck. But that shock was quickly replaced with a sense of duty, it was as if he had the opportunity to make up for his brother’s broken relationship. He would help you raise this baby, and he would make damn sure that they did not have the same broken childhood he had suffered.

Within the week, Sirius had moved back into 12 Grimmauld Place with you. The baby he was dedicating himself to had quickly become babies after finding out that not one, but two baby Blacks were on the way. He was at your side through every step of the pregnancy, and slowly but surely his friends made their way into your life as well. James was always there to put a smile on your face and Lily gave great advice as to dealing with the pregnancy as she had delivered Harry only weeks before you showed up. Remus was always there to offer chocolate and a good book while Peter always had a hot cup of tea ready for you.

Before long, Arcturus and Cassiopeia Black were welcomed into the world and the light in your life had been restored. They were both the spitting image of their father, seeming to have barely inherited any (Y/L/N) genes and only reminded you of their father with every coming day. Little Harry was thrilled to have playmates, and you had finally found your family. Although far from perfect, it was everything to you. But all good things must come to an end, and this state of grace was no different.

Halloween came and went. James, Lily, and Peter were gone, no, murdered. Sirius could not have done it, not to his family! The man you read about in the papers was not the same gentle soul who would sing the twins to sleep almost every evening. But regardless of what you thought of the man he was guilty in the eyes of the Ministry, and thus he was sent to Azkaban to suffer a fate worse than death. This loss rocked you once more, but this time you had the twins to look after, and you weren’t alone.

Remus had stepped right up to fill the shoes that Sirius had been filling for Regulus without hesitation. He was grieving the same losses as you and found solace in caring for little Archie and Cassie. You mourned together and healed together, and before long Remus became your other half. 

That friendship didn’t last long, however, as it eventually blossomed into something bigger, a love that you fought tooth and nail. Guilt consumed you as you felt yourself falling for the werewolf, not being able to shake the feeling that you were betraying Regulus as you fell deeper and deeper in love. 

Right around the second anniversary of his death was when you heard the first words pass through either of the twins’ lips. Archie squealed a high-pitched “dada” to Remus who had been helping you prepare breakfast, and your eyes met his equally glassy. While the man stuttered out a mix of apologies in fear of overstepping, you just embraced him and allowed him to hold you in the way nobody had for a long time. The toddlers had accepted him as their father, and you had denied the desire to love him for too long.

Six months later the two of you had married in a small ceremony of only Order members gathering to celebrate your love. You did, however, keep the last name ‘Black’ as an homage both to Regulus and Sirius’ roles in both of your lives. At that same celebration you also announced that a baby Lupin would be making their way into the world six months later. And alas, Theodore Lupin was born shortly after, and your little family was complete.

When it was finally time for Archie and Cassie to begin their future at Hogwarts, you couldn’t help but weep as they waved out the window of the Hogwarts Express, the siblings excited to start the next stage in their lives. Your husband wrapped an arm around you as he fought tears himself, meanwhile Teddy tugged onto your hand and questioned when he would get the chance to attend the school as well, already missing his big brother and sister. 

Remus and you had debated what house the twins would be sorted into, him adamant that they showed Gryffindor courage while you were certain that they would follow in your footsteps and be sorted into (Y/H). Your questions were answered the next morning as you received letters from two very excited Slytherins, taking after their father just as they had done in appearance and personality. You and Remus were proud nonetheless, but your husband was always saddened that they had never grown close to Harry. The divide between houses had seemingly grown even stronger since you two had attended and a friendship between the former friends hadn’t formed.

Two years later, the twins were approaching their third year as Teddy prepared to begin his magical schooling, and you began to ponder what your life would look like following their departure. You and your husband didn’t have the finances to travel and feared a life without the light of your children, and your questions were answered following a letter from Dumbledore himself. He offered the two of you teaching positions at Hogwarts, Defence Against the Dark Arts for Remus and Astronomy for yourself.

The two of you were ecstatic to spend the year with your children teaching, and walking side by side with the castle in view made you feel like a young girl again. A broken heart was all that was left, but Remus had been there to pick up your broken pieces and carry you home. But the wreckage of your life would not stay in ruins forever, as old friends and old loves remained closer than you had ever known and were about to rejoin your losing game.

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#regulus black #regulus black x reader #regulus black imagine #remus lupin #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin imagine #harry potter #marauders #sirius black #sirius black x reader #lily evans #james potter #peter pettigrew #marauders era #marauders imagine #marauders x reader #slyterin #arcade #crankynewt #hogwarts #harry potter imagine #another love #another love series #another love chapter one

[sevendeadlymorons]

Hey I’m that one anon from a while back that sent those long ass paragraphs about Lilith and Simeon, remember me? Anyway I know I’m very late to the party, but some of the boys are either getting to much hate or too much love over here (in my opinion) so I made a pros and cons list for all of them, I’m sorry- (I’m warning you now this will be long but I’ll put it in bullet points so it’s a bit easier to read, just read it whenever your mentally ready lol)

Lucifer (I hate this man.)

Pros

He’d help a lot with getting your life together wether that be finding a job, choosing the right college or other shit like that

He’d make sure your working hard and getting everything done, which is both a blessing and a curse tbh

He would be the one to take the most care of you whenever your ill psychically

Cons

He would probably overwork you

Doesnt have much time to spend on you and doesn’t make a effort to find more time unless your getting really sad about it

Probably wouldn’t be the best of help through issues with mental illness (he just doesn’t strike me as that type, feel free to disagree)

His pride would cause some serious problems in relationships :/

Mammon (I love this man.)

Pros

He’s the “if your sad, I’m sad” kind of guy so he does whatever he can to put a smile on your face

Makes his affection towards you known once he’s comfortable enough, mostly through things like hugs and head pats tho

He shows off anything you make, and I mean anything (you gave him a drawing? After showing it to everyone he puts it on the fridge. You wrote something? He reads it to everyone then puts it in his notebook to reread later, I think you get where I’m going with this)

Cons

There would probably be some communication issues due to his tsundere nature and habit of ignoring you when he’s mad

He’d get super mad at you when your trying to help him financially, maybe it’s a ego thing or maybe he’s just tired of hearing it

While his possessiveness is cute at times he’d definitely get way to overbearing if you don’t force him to cool it

Levi (I kin this man.)

Pros

He’d try to set up designated hangout times (like Friday is movie night, Tuesday is for RPGs etc)

Wanna spend time with him but aren’t very into what he’s into? While it will be harder to bond with him because of this I think if you REALLY wanted to hang with him he’d at least try to meet you in the middle (like if you like sports he’ll offer to play wii sports lol)

Insecurities getting you down again? Well never fear, levi is here! He’d find characters with flaws similar to those you see in yourself to prove that they don’t really matter (and since he struggles with insecurity himself he’d know how you feel and be one of the best at helping you through them)

Cons

Even if he makes an effort to meet you in the middle if you have different interests he’d refuse to get into “normie” stuff

He’ll guilt trip you constantly, even if it’s not on purpose (“Oh your hanging out with Asmo today? I get it, of course you’d wanna hang out with somebody cool and perfect like Asmo and not a gross yucky otaku like me”)

You have to initiate almost everything Hugs? You hug first. Handholding? You reach out to him. Confessions? You seriously thought he’d be the one to confess first??

Satan

Pros

Similar to Lucifer he’d be good at helping you get your life together and putting you on the right track

Unlike Lucifer, he’d actively make time for date nights and/or hangouts multiple times a week wether your going out for dinner or reading in front of the fireplace

While he himself might not be best at helping with comfort in the moment, he’d be great to turn to if you needed a long time treatment (you need a therapist? He’s got the best three in your area that you can afford and he found some helpful things you can do in this book)

Cons

As stated previously, he’s not the best with comfort, which can be an issue if you need a friend/partner who can be your biggest source of comfort (I’m not saying he’ll do nothing, it’ll just be kinda awkward ig)

If you vent to him about something he’ll always offer advice and while that can be good, sometimes all you want is someone to listen to you and getting advice can be annoying in the moment

I feel like hanging out with him you’d rarely ever get to talk about pointless things, everything would be serious you know? And while serious and deep conversations are good for bonding, some people (myself included) need to be able to talk about dumb things without having it turn philosophical

Asmo

Pros

He’s the best at boosting your confidence, there’s no competition

He’s more into spontaneous outings (he suddenly got the urge to go shopping, your coming with right?)

You can talk about just about anything with him, no judgment and he’ll never speak a word of it to anyone else if you don’t want him to (although he may brag to his brothers that you told him your secrets)

High emotional IQ

Cons

He has set things of things he’s interested in and his idea of trying the things your into is doing whatever it is for about 5 seconds then deciding it’s not for him

He cares a lot about looks, I don’t mean he’ll hate you or insult you cause he thinks your ugly, I mean he’ll constantly try to do your makeup, hair, and nails and he’ll always say things like “Your hair is a bit messy today, did you brush it? Yes? Well not good enough, let me do it” and “your wearing that out? There’s nothing wrong with it, I just think you’d look a lot cuter in this” and if your anything like me, that’ll get on your nerves a lot

While he’s great with emotional issues, if it’s a problem with anything like school or your job he’ll have no solution to offer, all you’ll get is a “You can do it!” and a good luck kiss

Narcissistic, need I say more?

Beel

Pros

He’s the best person to vent to, no judgment and tons of hugs and comfort food

He’s a mom friend, no explanation needed

Very supportive and always concerned for your health

Your in trouble? Call beel, he’ll help you and make sure your home safe before questioning you and will only lecture you out of love (unlike a certain older brother that will lecture you because “Your tarnishing Diavlo’s reputation by acting out like this. Your an exchange student, you must abide by the rules and behave yourself.”)

Cons

Food is his answer to everything (Sad?Food. Injured? Food. School’s stressful? Food plus a little help studying) and while food can be good for comfort, sometimes you need him to provide more than a snack

He’s the opposite of Satan in the sense that he’ll almost never offer advice when you rant to him, he just assumes getting it all out is help enough and won’t offer much more then a hug and food

Not getting along with one of his brothers? “They can be a handful, but they’re great people once you learn to handle the chaos” yeah he rarely thinks what his brothers did is a big deal so he gives you advice on how to apologize and get past it and he’ll give you food

Belphie (he really does attract the mentally ill people huh-)

Cons

I feel like he’d be good for certain people with social anxiety and people who have issues with always being scared about being a bad person (“you think your a bad person and are becoming more and more toxic by the day? Well your a better person than Lucifer that’s for sure, wether or not your toxic were going to cuddle now get in bed” or “your worried everyone is constantly staring and judging you for everything you do? Well I don’t really care about what your wearing or the way you walk so I doubt they do either, can we go home now?” ((Side note, I experience both of these issues and his uncaring personality would calm me, which is why I think this one of his pros))

He just wouldn’t care about whatever type of life style you lead and as someone who’s constantly scared of being judged for their lifestyle this would be amazing (“you sleep all the time? Same let’s nap together” “You don’t eat very healthy? Whatever, it’s fine, can we sleep now?” ((although it is a double edged sword))

He gets a burst of energy and just does the most random things (you see that tree? He’s already climbed half way up it. That petting zoo? He’s already feeding the lambs. That store? He’s already spent 30 grim)

Cons

Just like his twin he thinks every problem has one solution, but instead of food he thinks the solution is sleep (your sick? Sleep is the best medicine. A lot of homework? If you sleep you don’t have to think about it.)

At some point he just doesn’t care enough, if you come to him with a serious issue he’ll half listen to you rant then pull you down to sleep

He teases you a lot, which is fine teasing is fun, but he takes it too far. Maybe he touched on something your insecure about or he was too merciless, whatever it was, he won’t apologize for it, he just thinks your being sensitive. If he brought up some bad memories he’ll consider it, but his way of apologizing is cuddling

He doesn’t wanna do something? You guys aren’t gonna do it. You don’t wanna do something? Too bad, he wants to so your gonna.

I’m sorry this is so long- I tried to shorten it I swear- but anyway if you disagree I’m with anything, I wanna hear what you think

And even tho Beel doesn’t get much screen time and more serious moments, I think his character is way more then hunger

Random but I wanna add that other then Levi I kin Tamaki from mha and Ranpo from bsd

Dude do you just like torturing poor college students? This is so much to read, I’m about to cry 😭

I agree with the Lucifer part actually! Tho I do kinda thing he’s be good emotion support in some ways, for me, anyway. I feel like he may lack empathy that is needed in a stable relationship. Yes, he may be able to tell you with shit and honestly, he’d book my doctors appointments when I’m too anxious too so yknow. But yeah

Also agree with mammon. He’s a jackass when he wants to be, and I know he may not mean it, but his words are still hurtful in a lot of ways and he just can’t convey those emotions that’re needed in a loving relationship. But he’s so sweet and will show you off so it’s all good~

As much as I love Levi, I agree. He manipulates and guilt trips you throughout the entire game. It can’t be healthy in relationships but that don’t stop me from loving that sweet otaku boy 😔🖤

I agree with Satan too. I don’t have much to say but he’s avatar of wrath for a reason, for a start, and he honestly looks like he’d prefer talking about books than that funny thing that happened in class that made you laugh earlier

Agreed with Asmo too. Sometimes he may just get overbearing and the narcissism and the constant need to make you look better and improve you may get irritating

I agree with Beel. I don’t think he can comprehend that food isn’t an answer to everything and as a person who doesn’t cope with food and relatively hates it, he won’t be any help to me emotionally. He’s so sweet but he just won’t give you that proper support

I love Belphie so so much but I absolutely agree. He’s one of the most unbothered brothers who won’t care what you look like, yes, but that also means compliments may come rarely and like his twin, “sleep is the answer to everything” I can admit I like to sleep but I have a manic side that comes with insomnia and if he’s dragging me down and not letting me move and I just cannot sleep, I’m gonna get irritated and pissed off.

This got a bit long on my end too. I just really liked how you worded this and it was fun to see pros and cons of the ‘perfect’ brothers

I think Beel is more than food too, but I just don’t particularly like him either way cuz I’m not really a foodie so I can’t relate with him lmao

[purple-dahlias]

recovering- chapter 1

word count: 1854

trigger warnings: eating disorders, disordered eating, mental health

this is the beginnings of me turning recovering!au into a multi-chapter fic, something i’ve been planning on doing for quite a while now. enjoy <3

She knew it was a problem, even before she had started medical school. Long before she knew about the intricacies of health and disease and diagnostic criteria. Knew it was something that wasn’t quite normal; that having these thoughts and plans wasn’t in the usual remit of a high school girl. It certainly seemed it wasn’t something any of her few friends had to deal with. But then again, even if it wasn’t normal, it wasn’t really like they’d noticed that anything was wrong. So maybe it wasn’t so bad. In any case, if she was questioned, she peppered them with excuses, ranging from not being hungry to needing to go to the library or not wanting to spit out the gum she’d just put in. It seemed to work. They didn’t bother her about it any further. Just a nod and a smile before carrying on.  

Yes, she hid it well, under layers and layers of clothing and her thinly veiled excuses. But it would have been nice for someone to really notice. Because to be noticed would have meant being known, which would have meant someone cared enough. Her own mother was hardly ever about, out being a big shot lawyer or whatever, and her father... well. That was something she didn’t want to talk about at all. Ever.

Days slipped by and so did the pounds off the scales. School became college and Sarah found herself in pre-med. It had always been her plan. She loved the order that science bought. The lack of messiness. The way there was an explanation to everything. It suited her just fine. Gave her something to channel her energy into. Something to focus on, even when things got tough. Which for her, unfortunately, seemed to be pretty often.

It was an unhealthy habit, she knew. Destructive, even. But it was something that she had control over, that she could manage. The one thing that was constant, because she could make it so. Monitoring portions and her proportions obsessively. It became a habit, something ingrained into her, second nature.

And so, it continued, unnoticed. Perhaps to many, it seemed there never really was an issue, how could there be? She looked fine. Mostly. It was only if you looked closer, beyond the façade and the walls and the excuses, that it could be seen. But that was hardly often. In fact, it was rare. Sarah Reese was good at keeping her guard up. It also didn’t help that her circle of people was so completely, incredibly small, which meant that really, most of the time, there was hardly anyone who could notice.

She also knew just how to manage things (so she thought). She’d take her vitamin supplements to ward off deficiencies, anything that might look like something was wrong. Continued to cover up in long sleeves and high necks. Perhaps it was a blessing when she was accepted to study medicine in Chicago. Certainly, the cold weather there warranted layers amply enough that no one would question it, no one would be able to tell.

There was a point, perhaps when this had first all started, although it’s hard to put a definitive moment or timescale on when all this began, it had become such a fundamental part of her, that she had wanted, hoped even at times, that someone would discover what she was doing, would say something, would tell her, help her, show her it was wrong. If that had happened early enough, things just might have turned out differently for her. Better.

It had, earlier, been a secret hope of hers, that maybe her mother would see, would call her to her, bring her in close, help her. That had never happened. Their relationship just wasn’t one where one could talk about such things. Confess to not be doing well. It was just expected of Sarah to carry on. To get on and excel with school and her work. And for her mother to know actively how Sarah really was, well, that wouldn’t go down well at all. Because from Sarah’s mother’s point of view, Sarah was fine. She had a good life, a roof over her head, was more than provided for, her grades were good, there was nothing she could complain about. Nothing that would warrant her not doing well, not mentally. Not her daughter.

And sometimes she still hopes for someone to discover it all. Thinks of doing something ever so much more reckless in order to be noticed, for someone to be concerned enough to do something. But she also doesn’twant that. Because that would mean stopping. And when a thing like this has been a part of you for so long that it’s become a crutch, a way to handle everything, it’s terrifying to think about who you would be without it.

Occasionally, though, there were moments where she’s wracked with guilt and regret, all because she knows this is all so wrong. Things shouldn’t be this way. She shouldn’t be this way. At those times, it’s a struggle. For a time, common sense will overrule and for a few days, maybe weeks, there’s a sort of clarity for her, and things go back to being as close to a ‘normal’ as Sarah can get. But there’s always a slip. With her there’s always a slip.

Medical school was proving to be lonely. Sure, there were people around, girls Sarah would want to know, to be friends with. People who probably would also want to be friends with her. Somehow, that had never happened. Yes, there were the occasional people who would invite her out for coffee or a study session or to the movies. But she always felt like she seemed to push everyone away. To her, it seemed she was to forever be the person on the peripheries, the one who walked through the outskirts of others’ lives, who would be easily forgotten. That she could never really be one to maintain any kind of relationship, evident in the way that as time went on, those offers and invitations to meet up became scarce. And perhaps that had something to do with the way she was bought up, the introspective part of her thought. The way her mother had always been different. The way her father had left. How, if her mother ever did speak of her father, she always said he was someone who could never maintain a relationship for long, always had a habit of burning bridges. Could that be a genetic trait? Something Sarah had inherited? Sarah pushes those thoughts down deep inside of her. She never wants to be like either of her parents. Hates that it is a very strong possibility, one that she’s not quite sure she has the power to overrule, especially if you looked at her track record. Instead, she goes back to what she can control. Restrict. Measure. Count. It goes on in cycles. Worse when she was on a downward spiral, slightly better when things felt clearer.

So, it was surprising to her, on her rotation in the ED at Gaffney Chicago Med, that everyone (almost) seemed to like her. That there was genuine care and concern for her. How Maggie and Dr Manning would, for wont of a better word, mother her. How Dr Choi and April and Dr Rhodes and Dr Halstead were always so kind to her, so helpful and patient. How they would all look out for her. It was certainly a far cry from what she was used to.

Family. That was what Dr Choi had called her.

It had left Sarah feeling stumped, but warmed inside, knowing that there were people who cared about her. And for the first time in a long while, she found she could breathe a little easier. That maybe, maybe, she wasn’t as alone as she thought she was.

Sure, when she started in the ED, it was only because it was mandatory, just a check box exercise and then she would be done, ready to work down in the labs. Exactly where she had wanted to be. But now she wasn’t so sure. The messiness of life and people in the ED had got to her, and not in a bad way. Yes, it was trying. But it had grown on her. She had learnt to love it.

But that left her now with a dilemma.

For as long as she had thought about a career in medicine, it was with no intention to be patient-facing. She knew she would be perfectly happy with a career tucked away down in pathology, somewhere she could hone her logic and scientific skill. And of course, there was Joey, who had supported her in her decision, and alongside everything else. (Although now she’s not quite exactly sure where things stand with him).

She just can’t shake the feeling that maybe she’s doing something wrong. And Sarah knows that’s dangerous, because whatever decision she makes will stand to influence the rest of her career. Not to mention that signing off on a residency post was a legally binding contract. Pathology was what she wanted though, wasn’t it? Even after all the time she had spent with everyone in the emergency department? And all that self-doubt just comes creeping back in, settling deep in her bones, filling every corner of her, making it just so easy for things to return to how they were. To slip again.

Perhaps at first it doesn’t accelerate intentionally. Mainly it’s just that she’s trying to keep herself busy, push herself, that she forgets meals. But then she finds she’s not missing out on anything, really. That she likes how it feels. It doesn’t help that she is so good at being able to conceal things now, underneath her scrubs, which were ill-fitting on anyone to begin with, anyway. Her shifts in the ED give her an easy excuse for missed meals, because of course, she has patients to be seeing. It’s a perfectly reasonable way to mask it all.

So she continues, unnoticed. And maybe, it makes her think, in those moments where she’s left solely alone with her thoughts, they never really did care. That it was because it was their professional duty to look out for her that they did. But other parts of her think that no, this is good. Them not noticing. It means she can continue on. Because that was the plan, wasn’t it?

Even when she practically faints in front of Will. But it’s just so simple to go with the excuse that seems most likely. She fainted because she was stressed. She was stressed because of match day. A vasovagal syncope. And because, at least to Will’s work-up, everything seems fine, no more is said. It’s deemed a one-off episode and she’s fit to continue. He doesn’t seem to be concerned about the way she hardly drinks the orange juice he gave her. So she shouldn’t be, right? There was clearly no reason to be. It was all just business as usual: she wasn’t sick.

#recovering!au #recovering!fic #my writing #sarah reese #chicago med #there will be eventual reesker #i promise #eating disorder tw

[jjaeong]

The Heiress, & The Twelve. Act I.

Episode II: The World, Turned Upside Down.

Series: KPOP Girl Group: 이달의 소녀 (LOONA).

Pairing: OT12 & Mafia Heiress Female Reader.

Summary: As Haseul told Y/L/N Y/N of her origin and purpose, her life had quickly shifted in preparing for her upcoming initiation. And if Y/N thought coming back to take the position that had been destined to her by blood was going to be easy, she'd yet to think again—as she'd been blatantly deemed unworthy by a few members of her own Family.

"So what you're telling me is that.. My real name is actually Y/L/N Y/N, Sooyoung-unnie isn't my real sister—and that I'm supposed to be an heiress to a Mafia Family that's currently the most strongest running Family there is..?"

"Yes."

"..And I'm just supposed to become a boss? Just like that?" The orange haired lady whom had introduced herself earlier by the name Vivi giggled at your puzzled expression, before looking back at the acting boss, Haseul, that studied you carefully as she sat rested back on her seat.

"Precisely."

"But I'm barely of legal age? And I'm still in High School?"

"You Grandfather became our boss just when he graduated from Middle School."

"This doesn't even make any sense!" your eyes snapped over to Sooyoung's who looked almost just as exasperated as you were. Though the woman had been revealed to not be your actual sister, the way you both seemed to have acted with one another after the revelation was exactly the same—even though she knew of it from the start, she still looked at you with the same gentle eyes as if nothing had been said. Jinsol, the woman with the defined jawline shot up from her seat to stare directly at you.

"She's right, this doesn't make sense anymore," Jinsol turned to Haseul with a pleading look while the other girl just kept her eyes dead set on you, "Haseul, we're good now! We've peaked over the last year under your leadership—if we hand it to this.. Child, we'll lose control over our own people before she even gets past initiation!"

"Jinsol, don't—"

"Don't what!? You know damn well what I'm saying right now is what's going to happen after this! What more do you guys need to hear!?" Hyunjin stood from her spot to make a move towards Jinsoul who shot her a warning look just when Jungeun grabbed ahold of the younger girl's wrist, Haseul then tore her eyes off of yours to nod at Jungeun before looking up at Jinsoul's dejected expression.

"Go outside and keep watch with Gowon's team, I will speak with you later." Jinsoul clenched her jaw, practically scowling at you before bowing in Haseul's direction, slipping out of the room just as Jungeun stood from her spot to follow after the girl. Haseul then looked over to Hyunjin, who remained standing stiff on her spot with eyes stuck on the entrance of the living room.

"Would you like to follow too, Hyunjin?" Haseul asked just as Hyunjin blinked, shaking her head in reply before sitting back down and staring vacantly at the ground.

"At your command, Unnie."

"I'll go," Sooyoung answered, rising from her seat when you opened your mouth to protest—not wanting to be left alone with these people you barely knew—but your older sister only shook her head at you, "you can trust them with your life, Y/N. I'll be back when they leave," her eyes then moved to the two girls that sat closest to you.

"At least when the majority of them do."

"We're not asking you to immediately become the boss, Y/N. What we're asking from you is for you to accept the role which was bound to you by birthright." Haseul didn't waste a single second as she quickly resumed from where she left off—just before Jinsoul's outburst. Sooyoung then bowed as well, leaving you with only four members of your Family with you as Haseul turned to look at Heejin this time, motioning for her to present you something.

"You are to be trained, to take all the necessary steps until you're enough to not just be an image to our Family—but as an actual boss, the matriarch of thousands of our associates who's loyalties lie only to you, to the blood." you felt your throat dry up as Heejin reached over to place a small, golden plated box with twelve colored gemstones that surrounded the outer rim and the lid of it with the first letter of your last name engraved on the top. The girl pressed what seemed to be a hidden lock on the box, for it to slowly open and reveal what reminded you closely of Jungeun's pin from earlier—except this one had a clear image of a golden full moon in the middle, surrounded by what you'd initially think as blue gem stones but from how it practically oozed of vivid clarity..

A blue diamond ring.

"You can't escape this, Y/N. Your predecessors had carried this through for thousands of years—none of them even dared to attempt a decline. And so will you."

"Is that a threat?" your voice almost failed you as you tried to muster up the courage to talk back, to which Haseul only returned a disappointed expression at.

"If that is how you want to look at it, then so be it."

You leaned back on your seat, feeling defeated as everyone looked at you expectantly with the ring that sat in the golden box taunting you—as if it was asking you to take it and just accept your destiny. But would it truly be such a loss if you didn't bother to try in the first place? How would you know how deep this entire.. Bounded by blood to the Mafia would be any different to how you've always lived your life? Other than the usual days spent doing your chores and diving into your hobbies once they're done—would it be replaced with dropping out of school to do combat training and sign paper works?

The saying with "curiosity killed the cat" echoed in the back of your head, but then will your curiosity get you killed as well?

"We're not like the usual Mafias you see on television, Y/N. Your grandfather had always been clear with the Family values," you looked back up to find Haseul's lips pulled up into a tight lipped smile, eyes seemingly in deep thought though she kept them on you, "for all these years that we've worked under his care, he lived a simple life and wanted all of us to have the privilege of living the same way."

"You mean after years of slaughtering who ever got in the Family's way got repetitive so he decided to stop?" Haseul's thoughtful eyes quickly shifted into an expression that looked as if she was stung by your choice of words.

"We never resort into such barbaric actions—until it is just."

"And how do you know that? Aren't you just taking orders from him because that's where your loyalty lies? To the blood? Because he's a Y/L/N?" you pressed even further, slowly finding yourself disapproving of whatever statement the acting boss was trying to convey about your Family. The thought of the current highest ranking member of your Family speaking of the group as if looking through rose colored glasses had rubbed you the wrong way.

To you, this is just another Mafia—you've heard about the association well enough to understand that they kill when needed to, but that doesn't justify all those who could've possibly felt the wrath of your Family name when they were barely proven guilty. But to Haseul, as you've observed, she holds the Family at such a high place that it even convinced all four members that were present in front of you, everyone seemed to have understood where she was coming from.

Only you didn't understand, having the perception of a complete outsider, a civilian that was about to be dragged into the dark depths of an underground business empire.

"Y/N, please. Keep an open mind.." Haseul pleaded through her teeth, making you look away from her to stare at the wall behind her. She seemed to have paused for a moment to see if you had wanted to push even further, but when you kept your mouth shut she released a sigh, feeling disheartened at how little you expected from them when they've anticipated for your return for over a year.

"When you become boss.. You will be able to turn the Family around, your beliefs will be weighed along with the members to find a common ground. We can shape the values to what you'd want under your command, Y/N—your grandfather did his best to undo the mistakes of the past bosses as well," your eyes locked with Haseul's yet again, but this time, she had a knowing look set on her features, "you can turn this Family around, just like he did when he took us in."

Took them in? So all these women were all under your grandfather's care? He took care of over seven or more girls yet he couldn't even pay you a visit?

"Why did he.. Keep me away?" you dragged slowly, keeping your eyes on Haseul even though she could clearly see the pain in your eyes as you spoke. Heejin turned to look away from you, not wanting to make you feel any less of yourself at the slightest hint of vulnerability in your voice as Hyunjin inhaled deeply before doing the same.

"The night your Mother was assassinated—was your Father's initiation. You were with her in that separate room, supposed to be kept safe until it was done but.."

"We were attacked," Vivi continued, speaking for the first time since she introduced herself. The lady who was claimed to be the eldest of the group had a calculated smile gracing her features as she looked at you, "at the ceremony, I was the one that first identified the traitors—they were interrogated after that night. It was a coup, they didn't approve of your Father becoming the boss."

"Why?"

"He had the same vision as your Grandfather, he wanted everyone to live a simple life just as he'd experience when he left with you and your Mother a few years back."

"He returned because your Grandfather fell ill. But when your Mother died, his guilt got to him and.." the grim expression that fell on Haseul's face already said enough of how it all ended as you sat there, moving your eyes from Haseul to Vivi who eyed the Leader before she faced you again, nodding slowly.

"And so your Grandfather left you with the Ha's to make sure you were kept alive."

"You're our only hope in finishing what they both had wanted for your Family, Y/N. We can't achieve this on our own, we need a true Y/L/N to stand for us.." Haseul started to sound desperate, the collected girl looked as if at any given moment she would lose it and shut herself down. You still couldn't entirely understand what these girls were trying to persuade you into—but something inside of you just gave into it, they barely even look like the type of members that would end lives without a second thought.

They were following what seemed to be a great cause before, there must've been some sort of oath that had been pledged among these girls with your lineage even before meeting you.

You’d be lying if your curiosity didn’t catch up at the thought of uncovering more.

"Okay." the members tensed up on their seats as you sat up on your own, eyeing the ring that made your heart race up at the thought of it slipping it on your finger.

"You'll guide me, right? Tell me how everything goes and.. Not lie to me about it?" you mentally cringed at your lack of proper vocabulary that would be suited with your destined high position.

Haseul made it look easy.

"Of course, you'll be the future of our Family—coming clean with you is the least of your worries with us." Haseul waved her hand dismissively as you hummed in acknowledgement, eyeing the ring yet again when you heard Vivi giggle yet again.

"Go on, you're supposed to wear it to officially become one with us." she pointed at the box before standing up on her spot, grabbing the empty tea pot that she had practically finished herself before slipping past you and your members to probably make some more. You took note of Vivi's informality with the acting boss when Haseul barely tore her eyes away from you, anticipation practically dripping from her expression.

Reaching over to the box and pulling the ring from it's velvet cushion, the members seemed to have held their breaths as you inspected the delicate designing of the ring closely, eyeing the material in awe at how luxurious it seemed. And with the thought that Jungeun's pin looked expensive, this one looked almost ten times more than what it's bargained for. You slipped it in your left pointer finger and the three practically sighed at the image, your eyes still stuck on the golden full moon crest that lay on the top of the ring.

"Just like your pins." you breathed, looking over to Heejin’s tie to observe her pink gemstone pin with a golden silhouette of a rabbit in the middle. The girl smiled charmingly back at you, eyes crinkling into crescents as she did so.

"Just like our pins."

"I'm going to call Sooyoung-unnie and tell the others we're finished for the day." Heejin simply pat both her knees before standing up with a grin on her lips, smiling even further when you looked up at her which made your cheeks flush before she literally skipped out of the living room. Hyunjin rested the back of her head on the couch, covering her face with both hands as Haseul continued to smile warmly at you.

"We'll be meeting again soon, but for now this is where we'll cut it short. I've assigned Jinsoul, Heejin, and Hyunjin to stay here with you and Yves starting today—just a precaution if the news about your return breaks out." Haseul said as you blinked at her before knitting your brows, thinking to yourself about how fast the leader had planned everything out—as if she already knew how this meeting would end up.

"If I'm guessing the.. “Aliases” correctly—Jinsol is Jinsoul, Heejin is.. Heejin, Hyunjin is—"

"I use my real name too." Hyunjin's muffled voice uttered against her palm, which made you look at her and she just winked at you, completely expressionless.

You wonder why the girl acted like that.

"Okay, then.. Um.. Why is Sooyoung named Yves?"

"The Ha's had been part of the Family since before your grandfather's time, when your grandfather named us—he had certain ideas in mind. Yves refers to the first woman to ever grace the Earth." you looked at Haseul in astonishment.

"So he's sentimental?"

"He named Jiwoo-unnie 'Chuu', I wouldn't go that far." Hyunjin snorted as you almost followed suit, clasping a hand on your mouth at the thought of some Mafia member beating the living daylights out of them, only to remind them to remember her name.

"Kahei is Vivi, Chaewon is Gowon, Hyejoo is Olivia Hye, Yerim is Choerry, and Jungeun is Kim Lip." Haseul named them all for you to only furrow your brows in puzzlement at the information that there were actually more of them.

And why was your Jungeun-unnie named Kim Lip?

"We don't always use our aliases when we're just with one another, we only use them when we're outside doing errands." the acting boss added, holding a finger up as Vivi came back from the kitchen with what seemed to be a handful of the brownies that Sooyoung had made the night before. Vivi then gave you one before handing another to a suddenly perked up Hyunjin that shoved the entire thing in her mouth in one go. You stared at her as she stared right back at you with a mouthful of brownies, tilting her head as she chewed.

"Sooyoungie needs to make more of these." Vivi said as she bit a piece from her brownie to which you followed with your own. Haseul stood up to then bow at you which quickly got you up on your feet to bow back but she shook her head, smiling as she straightened.

"You need to get used to the formalities soon, you'll be our boss after all."

"Please, call me Y/N. And tell them outside as well.." Haseul nodded as she walked out of the living room with Vivi following suit, but not before smiling back at you. You felt your brownie being snatched from your grasp, only to find Hyunjin shoving it in her mouth as she stared at the entrance of the living room with a pondering expression before turning to look back to you.

"You're oddly informal with me—compared to your leader." Hyunjin wiped her mouth with the back of her hand after she swallowed down your brownie, scrunching her nose up at you before eyeing you from head to toe for the second time since your meeting.

"Aeong."

After the events had settled in, you found yourself squished between Jungeun and Jiwoo's embrace as you all managed to fit in your small bed. The two kept apologizing as you gave them a look the moment they stepped foot in your view and had you in theirs arms in no time, and it didn't stop until the two were sleeping peacefully in bed with you, Jiwoo mumbling an apology as if she was still dreaming about it. You'd expected your room to be packed as Jinsol, Heejin, and Hyunjin had made this place their own as well, but since Sooyoung shared her room with Jinsol—the guest bedroom was then occupied by the two other girls, after much to Heejin convincing Hyunjin you'd be safe since your two Unnies have decided to stay with you just for the night.

But Hyunjin swore that the next day, she'd be sleeping in your room whether you'd wanted it or not—to which Heejin only sighed at and asked you if she could as well, not wanting to be the last one to wake up if there was an emergency. 

Breakfast was practically the liveliest it’s ever been since you and Sooyoung moved to the house in the city, with both of your parents staying in the country side and Sooyoung graduating High School just a year ago—you both had barely seen each other in the house, but when you did you check up on how the other’s been until your workloads caught up with you again. And so watching Hyunjin and Heejin arguing from who’s getting the last pancake, Jiwoo and Jungeun singing a duet song you’ve heard too many times in one morning—and a silent Jinsol sitting next to Sooyoung who then stood up to grab Hyunjin and Heejin by their ears to tell them to just cut it in half.

But as you found your eyes lingering Jinsol, she tore her eyes off Sooyoung's prepared breakfast to set on you, a grim look setting on her features before she pushed off of her seat to leave. Jungeun stopped singing with Jiwoo to watch the woman retreat, to which you'd hope was just back upstairs to her room but only to feel disheartened when you heard the front door shut close—looking back down on your plate without seeing Jungeun and Jiwoo's worried eyes trained on you.

You could already tell that being stuck with these girls wasn't going to just smoothly pass you by, adding up the fact that this was a Mafia, with real lives on the line under your name—you understood the cold shoulder that would've come from a member sooner or later.

The way to school had you sitting in the back seat of the luxurious yellow car from last night—that had been revealed to be Hyunjin’s—with a void expression set on your face as your mind did it’s best to decline the image in front of you. Hyunjin tailed Jungeun’s electric red car in front on the way to your school, with your mind making up some excuse that you wish the two that sat in front were only kidding as they donned your school uniform which you had merely glanced at earlier—only realizing what was about to happen the minute you squeezed in the back seat. As if it couldn’t get any worse, Heejin popped open the compartment to rummage what you couldn’t see at first—until the girl pulled out a golden plated pistol from the container, as if it was completely ordinary for her to do so.

“Heejin, what are you even—we’re going to school, not a battlefield!” Hyunjin glanced at Heejin who looked at you as if you're the one that had grown two heads.

“We need to be ready at all times, Y/N. They won’t hesitate to kill us, trust me—I’ve seen it.”

“You guys can’t be serious!” Heejin kept her concerned eyes on you the entire time she loaded her gun, glancing down at the magazine to pop it back in and easing a bit of your tension when she put the safety on before handing it to Hyunjin, who only needed one hand to hold the wheel to shove the tip of the gun on the band of her skirt behind her—concealing the gun with the uniform coat. And so there you sat, watching in complete despair as the two supposedly simple High School girls—looking almost like an image of pure innocence in their uniforms—continue to arm themselves on the way to school. Just before Hyunjin parked the car, Heejin attempted to at least hand you a combat knife which made you shoot her a look.

“You’ll get used to it sooner or later.” Heejin nonchalantly said as Hyunjin pushed her door, exiting the car to quickly pull her seat to the front so you could also get out. You suppressed a groan once you found almost the entire student body standing still on their spots to gawk at Hyunjin’s car and the two new students that had easily won the hearts of the onlookers. The only thing that stopped you from stomping to your class was Jiwoo exiting Jungeun’s car that had just shut it’s engine next to you, she let her usual excited squeal out as if the three of you didn’t just tail after them or came from the same place as they had.

“I told you I had someone in mind to park in my spot! Aren’t you excited Y/N? You’re finally going to have friends in your class!” Jiwoo wrapped her arms around your body to spin you around while giggling, correcting herself mid way to drag the word “family” before releasing you from her hold, smiling adorably at Hyunjin who looked at the older girl in horror. As Jungeun and Heejin rounded the car to join the three of you, Jiwoo bounced on her feet excitedly before squishing her cheek against an endeared Heejin who did her best to reciprocate the energy.

Wait.. Did she just say your class?

“Why me..?” you stared up at the sky in dread when an unfamiliar voice called Hyunjin from the other side of Jungeun’s car, the familiar wavy haired girl smiled brightly at the sight of the five of you, followed by the short girl, the mint hair colored girl, and the expressionless dark haired girl who almost fell over when Jiwoo ran up to smother the girl with affection. 

“Unnie! You look cool in our uniform!” the girl with the bright smile complimented Hyunjin who’s expression quickly shifted into an endearing one, reaching over to ruffle the younger girl’s hair to which the girl laughed at, attempting to shove her hand away.

“Girls, introduce yourselves to Y/N.” Jungeun cut the encounter short, the four girls turning to look at you.

“Choi Yerim, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you Y/N-unnie!” the wavy haired girl beamed up at you, no hesitation as she reached over to grab your hand and shake it excitedly—for her to only gasp when she stopped mid-way to stare down at the ring on your finger, to which made your eyes subconsciously look at her tie to find purple gemstones and a golden resemblance of a bat.

“Park Chaewon, and this is Son Hyejoo. Yerim, Hyejoo and Hyunjin are triplets.” the mint haired girl motioned to the girl with intimidating eyes next to her, but as Hyejoo seemed to have assessed exactly who you’d be in her life—she bowed in greeting, to which Yerim gasped at before she did the same.

“No, it’s fine guys—please, I’m not initiated yet,” the stood back up on their height as you turned to look at Hyunjin who seemed to have been staring at you the entire time, “and you three bizarrely do.. Look alike.”

“We’re not related, it’s just what we’re known to be called for. Chaewon always tend to give off the wrong impression.”

“Im Yeojin.” the shortest girl bowed without directly making eye contact with you, turning to Jungeun to tell her she’d be heading to class now and left without another word. Yerim gave you an apologetic look.

“She’s Haseul-unnie’s younger sister, she’s just worried for her," she shyly smiled this time, looking around at your group before placing a hand on Jungeun and Hyunjin's arm to glance at the commotion behind her to Jiwoo shaking Hyejoo as she coo'ed, with Chaewon groaning at the sight and Heejin laughing—arms wrapped around Chaewon's arms as they both stared at the other two, "we did our usual rounds, no signs of threat today too."

"Good, that means no one's caught up on our rendezvous yesterday. Stay on guard, they could easily get someone in the vicinity." Yerim nodded at Jungeun's calculating look before the older girl looked at Hyunjin with a stern expression.

"And if it comes down to a fight, Hyunjin and Heejin are with Y/N. That's the closest they can get to her."

"They'll have to figure out which one of us is the boss first." Yerim's lips started to pull up in a grin when you looked at her in confusion just before Hyunjin nodded, grabbing hold of your forearm gently to then eye the two.

"Get to class, we'll talk more later." and with that, the expressionless girl tugged you over to Heejin whom she also practically dragged away by the forearm. Jiwoo and Yerim waved at your retreating figure with big smiles as Chaewon apparently followed behind the three of you, staying close but not too close.

"Why wouldn't Chaewon just walk next to us?" you asked once Hyunjin let go of you and Heejin, the older of the two scurrying from Hyunjin's opposite side to take her place on your left with a contented smile on her lips. Hyunjin merely glanced down at your curious gaze before facing the bustling hallway again, not paying an ounce of attention to your fellow students that gawked at the two girls that walked beside you.

"She's guarding our rear," Hyunjin stated before looking back at you with a knowing look, "if she's seen with us, the enemy would assume she's part of our group. So if she guards from afar.."

"We're at an advantage, got it." you finished, to which Hyunjin nodded at, turning back to the hallways—with you not being able to see the impressed look on her face as you caught up quickly. Heejin peeked from next to you, smiling with her hands behind her back.

"Did you ever catch Chaewon following you around?" Heejin asked when you looked at the girl in bewilderment.

"What?"

"She's been ordered to guard you since the boss passed, over a year ago." Hyunjin said beside you, making you look behind you at the striking girl with flowing mint-colored hair who looked as if she was gliding smoothly past the people around her—something about her aura lit the halls up yet at the same time, she camouflaged in them.

Park Chaewon had been walking behind you for an entire year, and the only time you've actually seen her was that one time in the gymnasium assembly—and the other when she talked to Jungeun in the lot.

The girl was damn good at her job.

"Don't stare at her too long, you don't want rumors of being connected to her floating around. You'll make her job harder for her." you heard Hyunjin say, feeling her hand on your forearm yet again to which made you turn back to the front—but not before shooting Chaewon a tiny smile, making the girl's lips twitch before nodding ever so slightly.

"But she's in the class next to ours, right..?" Heejin laughed, gently bumping her shoulder to yours which made you also bump into Hyunjin who didn't even look back at you two. The soft-featured girl slinging an arm loosely around your shoulders to grin at you.

"Just trust in Kahei, Y/N. She knows what she's doing."

Oh, so the team's strategy is Vivi's role.

When you sat on your assigned seat, you've decided to finally drop the continuous surprise at how fast the group had seemed to settle in your life when the two seats by your own that were usually occupied by your classmates had now been moved to sit in the back of the room—to which Heejin and Hyunjin then taken as if it had been theirs all this time. It didn't stop them from their class introduction though, with Kim Hyunjin staring at the back of the room with a vacant expression—the complete opposite of Heejin's shy smiles and sparkling eyes setting on each student in your class.

You winced at the boys cheering and the girls quickly trying to chat them both up in front of your class advisor, telling them to settle down when Hyunjin barely spared a glance at them as she walked back to the seat next to you—with Heejin apologizing and waving along the way.

You wondered how much longer the day would drag before something else comes to continue flipping your world upside down.

Hello~

I started to write on my laptop and this is way more fun than doing it on my phone (specially proofreading overused words) but as far as this series goes, this chapter did not go the way I envisioned it but.. It still came close. And this is fine too, but now that Y/N and the girls have met—I wonder how this is going to play out. A soft next episode? Maybe a hint of action? We won’t know until it’s there~

Are you guys liking this too? I kind of am, but I need more foundation to the lore in my head and I’m trying to plan out each episode the best I can. All writers want to achieve with their writing is giving a clear picture of their vision through words, you know? Vibe.

Anyways, here’s an episode~ I hope you guys really are enjoying this, I’m slowly easing back into my writing style back when I used to be passionate about writing—so it’ll continue to be lengthy, and more so when I keep at this~ But that’s all for this Author’s Note. The idea of the pins and ring though, had me giggling like a school girl to myself lmao.

And yes, the title was a Hamilton reference aha!

Laters,

JJ.

>ovc: Mnet-KPOP (200206)

https://youtu.be/BRgfqbu3GdE

#loona #loona imagines #kpop #kpop imagines #heejin #hyunjin #haseul #yeojin #vivi #kim lip #jinsoul #choerry #yves #chuu #gowon #olivia hye #y/n #loona x reader #loona 1/3 #loona odd eye circle #loona yyxy #alternate universe #long reads #series

[bsbloglife]

September 23, 2021…tomorrow I leave my family for 3 weeks, to care for my parents back home. I’m nervous, scared, excited, sad, relieved, and so many other emotions that I cannot begin to name off because my mind is a jumbled mess. I’m looking forward to finally seeing my parents after a little over two years, but so heartbroken to leave my children and husband behind. I do have a sense of relief that now I’ll finally be able to take care of the issues regarding my parents’ needs.

I take off from Orlando in the early afternoon, to arrive in Toronto a few hours later, only to wait for 3+ hrs before my flight to Montreal. My sister-in-law will be coming to the airport to pick me up, then we’ll be heading over to the hotel where my parents have been holed up for over 4 and a half months. My parents don’t know I’ll be arriving tomorrow, but the caregiver is aware. She’ll be waiting for my call to say that I’ve arrived and that I’m on the way. In fact, I’ll be the one caring for my parents the first weekend that I arrive. My father is the one who needs the most help, hopefully he’ll be ok with me cleaning him up when he needs it. This will be interesting! Maybe he won’t recognize me and think that I’m another caregiver. I’m laughing at the thought, but it’s painful to think he won’t remember me. We’ll soon find out. Tomorrow this time I’ll be at the hotel with my parents.

In fact, tomorrow almost didn’t happen. I received a call today from my son’s middle school and as soon as I saw that name pop up on my phone at 1:15pm, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good call. When I answered the phone I waited a few seconds, hoping that maybe it was one of those automated calls from the principal. After a few seconds when I didn’t hear that automated voice come on, I knew something was wrong, so I said “hello?”, to which the school nurse proceeded to tell me her name and that she was calling about my son. I’m sure my response, “oh no, this is not good”, confused her a little bit, which I sensed from her hesitation to continue on. I said that for a few reasons; 1 - she’d only be calling me if something bad happened, 2 - I was leaving for Canada the next day, this seriously cannot be happening, and 3 - what if he has Covid?? I would have to reschedule my trip. I think other things popped in my mind, but right now I can’t remember what they were. She then said he was not feeling well; sore throat, chills, headache, but no fever. I told her I’d be there within 10 minutes. When I got to the school he looked ill, with those glassy eyes and sad face, trying to pull his arms into his shirt because he was getting chilly. I carried his bag and we headed to the car. He told me that he was sorry to put pressure on me because he knew that I had to leave tomorrow. I told him that I believed everything happened for a reason and maybe it wasn’t meant for me to go. My first thought was having to reschedule my trip, because if he had Covid I didn’t want to bring it home to my parents. Then I thought that I would need to get him tested, just to be sure. If he was positive, then I would reschedule the trip. If he was negative, then I would continue as planned. Stupid me, I thought that picking up a Covid Home testing kit would be easy. Just go to the closest pharmacy. Little did I know that these testing kits were like hot cakes and everybody wanted them! There were no Covid testing kits to be found…anywhere!!! My very good friend Bri helped me find one of the last remaining kits in town, after she searched and searched and searched, even going to the closest Walmart by her place to pick up a kit which was supposedly in stock. Only to find out that she missed the last kit by a few minutes! She drove with me to the only pharmacy in town with a kit. You know, that’s a real friend. You find out who your real friends are when they inconvenience themselves to help you, but they truly don’t think they are going out of their way. They are helping you because they genuinely care, when anyone else would be telling you, “good luck finding a kit”, instead she said, “let me get dressed and go to my Walmart that says they have them in stock. I’ll pick it up for you then meet you.” I mean, seriously?!?! Then she drove across town with me to get that last remaining kit, which she found after calling several pharmacies in town, and then begging them to hold it for her. I’ll never forget her kindness. I’m sure she had other things to do than to spend hours searching for a rapid Covid testing kit for my son. What was really beautiful, was that she never made it seem like a hassle. She made it seem that she actually enjoyed helping me. I cherish this girl! (Btw, my son was negative, thankfully!!)

Speaking of kindness, when I texted my cousins back home to tell them that I was coming, they offered me their homes to stay in, they offered me cars to drive, they offered me support in any way that I needed it. My one cousin offered me his daughter’s car, only with her permission of course. I told him that I didn’t mind driving his Maserati, just in case she didn’t want me to drive her Mini Cooper. I still haven’t heard back from him regarding this…. Walter? Hello?? My cousin Nadia was there for me that weekend when I decided to resign, because I needed to talk to someone about my decision to leave my career to care for my parents. She understood my pain. She too worked very hard for her career. She listened, offered her advice and helped me decide that the right thing to do would be to follow my heart. My heart wanted to be there for my parents. If I didn’t follow my heart, my conscience would never be clear and I would be useless to my family. I’ll never forget my cousin Alain and how he took care of my parents needs the day after the fire. He went to the house and dealt with the insurance people and helped my parents navigate the first few days of this terrible event. He was my savior, and theirs too. These kindnesses will never be forgotten.

My best friends back home Tina and Karen, offering me clothing, food, a place to stay. Even offering me their time when painting, decluttering and whatever else I’ll need to get done at the house. I cannot do anything without their support…without all of my friends and families support. My sister-in-law Anna will be there for me when I first arrive and each and every day that I am there. She lives just down the street from my parents place and has often been the one that my mom has called when they needed help. I cannot repay any of these people for their goodness, kindness, love and support. I can only hope that someday I am able to provide them with the same.

Here at home, one of my best friend’s has changed her whole schedule at work to accommodate taking care of my son every morning while I’m away. She rearranged her life for mine. She has literally become the family that I don’t have that lives just down the street. You know what I mean, that family member that lives close by that cares for your kids because you don’t have anyone else?? She literally rearranged her entire life to help me. I cannot thank Lisa and her son CJ enough for caring for my son like he is their family. She spoils him like she does her own sons. I told her to back off a little, because I didn’t want my son to like her more than her likes me. She laughed and said that wasn’t possible, because all my son did was talk about me. He better, good boy!

Speaking of family, tomorrow morning our friends, who we call family and in fact made them godparents to our son, will be driving me to the airport. I feel bad for Pat and Kelly, because they’ll be hearing me cry as we drive away after I say goodbye to my husband and children. I know those painful cries won’t be easy to handle. They’ll be seeing me off at the airport, which I know won’t be easy, because this will mean that I’m really leaving.

Honestly though, I really couldn’t do any of this without my family’s support, especially my husband. If he didn’t have my back, supporting my decision, and taking on most of the responsibilities with me gone for three weeks, then none of this would be possible. He has supported me financially, emotionally and spiritually. Without him I couldn’t do this. Without my children helping me by not begging me to stay, I am able to go. They have cried, they have told me they didn’t want me to go, but they haven’t forced me in a corner where the guilt of their pain would make me stay. I couldn’t do it without their support. My daughter stepping up to the plate by being me for the next three weeks, picking up my son from school, making sure he gets fed and taken to his activities.

Part of me thinks that I’m being such a big baby about this. I should just shut my mouth, stop the crying and just face this head on without fear. I want to, I really do. I feel ashamed that I can’t handle this with the grace and dignity that I know most people in my position would have. I try to have the courage and strength that I need to go forward, but the fear of the unknown has me scared. I’m afraid of leaving my family, what if something happens. It won’t be easy for me to come back home. I have to get a flight. I have to get Covid tested, which takes a day or two. I can’t just jump on a plane and come back. I’m scared I won’t be here if I’m needed. I try to get those things out of my head. I try to have relief knowing that I cannot control things out of my control, I have to let whatever may be just be. Then go from there. I know that this needs to be done and now I’ll finally be doing what I set out to do when I resigned from my career. This is the decision I made, now I will continue on with this journey.

Onward and upward!

[xfandomwritingsx]

Hold Your Breath - Chapter One: A Blank Page - Draco Malfoy

-gif source unknown-

Description: After decisions put you on opposite side of the war, returning to Hogwarts to finish your education proves to be challenging. Maybe closure isn’t the only thing you need from Draco.

Warnings/Labels: Angst. Hints of depression. Unhappy reunions.

Approx. Word Count: 3,000

A/N: I’m trying to keep the reader’s house open for interpretation, but I think it’s pretty plain to see that in my head, she’s a Ravenclaw. I’m also not a fan of this chapter. This is the chapter in which I converted what I had written of the oneshot into a longer piece so there are bits that to me still have a different feel than the rest. Makes it a little choppy when I read it, but hopefully it’s not bad for you!

Story Masterpost

-

September 1998

The world looks the same as it always has outside of the train window, but it all feels different. Colors still feel muted and even though there’s less chaos raging behind the trees, they still give you an ominous feeling deep in your gut. There are familiar faces on the train, but not enough to make you feel at home. Eyes either avoid yours or stare uncomfortably long. You feel out of place. You’re not supposed to be here.

But, yet, here you are. Your classmates have affectionately dubbed it “The 8th Year” at Hogwarts and even that makes you feel ill-fitting since you didn’t actually attend any of your 7th year so how could it possibly be considered your 8th? You had spent all of last year in hiding, most of which at The Burrow working to gain trust and prove your worth. You’d spent the end of it fighting on the winning side and risking your life for people you once hated.

You don’t belong.

And right now, if you could, you might just get off the train and call it quits on the whole 8th year idea. But you’re already committed now and you refuse to be labeled a quitter. It’s time to move on and build a life for yourself and you know that starts with finishing your education as best you can. So you swallowed the nausea and stayed.

You are one of the last ones off the train partly because you don’t like being in the crowd and partly because you hope it might lessen the stares. Armed with a bag filled almost entirely of long sleeved shirts, you take a deep breath and step onto the platform.

The air is warm, though the threat of colder weather ahead lingers in the air. You yearn for it, having taken a liking to the cold in the last year or so. Trees still hold their color so you suspect you have to wait just a little while for it yet. At least it gives you something to look forward to.

You begin your walk down the platform, feet padding gently along the wood. One step at a time, you tell yourself. One foot in front of the other until they suddenly stop when the sight of Draco exiting the train a few doors down causes your lungs to seize. You’d heard he would be attending so it shouldn’t have stunned you to see him, but it did. You had chosen to ignore the fact that you’d likely run into him, instead choosing to blindly hope you could somehow avoid him all year.

The thinning crowd of people allows you to see him fairly clearly. He’s looks good, well and healthy even. The little boy who broke your heart had grown into a man somehow. Perhaps in the four short months since the end of the war, he had healed. Maybe he was atoning for his wrongs. A softness in your heart grows as you watch him, letting yourself briefly daydream about a happy reunion filled with apologies and hope for the future.

His eyes scan the platform and when they fall on you, your heart speeds up anxiously. His look is not warm or friendly and when you recognize the façade painted on his face, your girlish fantasies are wiped away. He’s nothing more than the same boy he’s always been, playing pretend in a black dress jacket and trousers with a coward’s fear hidden behind his steely eyes.

He doesn’t even acknowledge you, just keeps scanning the platform before adjusting his jacket and continuing on his way. Pushing back the anger you feel starting to bubble, you tighten your grip on your bag and make your way to the carriages by yourself.

~~~

Your memories of him have always come in waves and the last two weeks have been no different as you settled into your new, old routine at school. You can go hours, even days without thinking about him and then out of nowhere, a memory will hit you so strongly that you feel like you’ve entered a pensieve.

Even now, looking at him across the great hall, you can still remember his touch. You can still practically feel his breath on your skin, your nails in his back. It was pain and comfort all in one. You remember how he’d laid his head in your lap afterwards. You still can’t be sure if the wetness left on your thighs was sweat or if he’d cried while he laid with you.

You cringe at how you had so naively thought that was the end of it. You were his salvation and he’d wake up the next morning and run away with you to the other side, to the right side of the war. But those had been foolish, little girl dreams. And you promised yourself after seeing him exit the train that you wouldn’t get involved with Draco Malfoy again.

So why can’t you stop staring at him?

Maybe because he hasn’t so much as acknowledged your existence yet and that, more than anything, pisses you off even if it shouldn’t. Despite your vow to yourself, you crave him talking to you, looking at you, noticing you’re alive for Merlin’s sake! Instead, you feel like you’ve been completely invisible to him. While this clearly made it easier to not get involved, it bothers you. He’s taking away your choice to be rid of him which is just rude.

Fingers snap in front of your face.

“Do you just want to hex him and be done with it?” Ginny asks next to you, a ghost of a smile on her lips. One positive of this year; the voluntary segregation of sitting with your house had been all but completely abandoned, allowing you to sit with the very few friends you have. “You could probably do it with minimal punishment.”

“I don’t want to hex him,” you argue softly, forcing your eyes back down to the plate in front of you. Ginny raises an eyebrow at you.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes!” You let out a huff and poke the food with your fork. “No. Maybe a little bit,” you admit. She nudges your shoulder with her own and sighs sympathetically. Ginny was never someone you thought you’d end up close with, but after staying with her family during the war, she’d become practically like your sister. She’s a better friend than you’d ever had before. Probably better than you deserve too.

“Have you spoken to him?” She keeps her voice quiet amongst the chatter in the hall. You look at her, full of irrational guilt, and shake your head in the smallest fashion you can. “Maybe you should.” You look back to him and remember the way he felt on top of you, whispering your name and the way your legs wrapped around his waist. But then, just as suddenly, you’re hit with the memory of him walking away from you in the middle of the night with a hollowness in your chest.

“I think that’s the last thing I need to do.” You force yourself to stop looking at him throughout the rest of your meal and attempt to join into jovial conversation at the table.

Fate, however, seemed to have heard your words and thusly thrust her middle finger out to you, because Draco is suddenly everywhere. It was inevitable that you run into each other, after all, you had classes together, but he still seems to be within your eyesight an excessive amount; sitting right in front of you during lessons, resting under your favorite tree, always managing to be where you can see his face during meals. Your only reprieve is your common room which you’ve taken to staying in during most of your free time.

Going strictly to and from classes and meals has become tiresome though. You’re starting to feel like you’re back in hiding and can feel a darkness creeping in. You don’t have an abundance of friends at Hogwarts. Or anywhere really. The loneliness threatens to eat away at you sometimes, but you keep it at bay by keeping your nose in your books; a coping skill you’ve become entirely too proficient at executing.

But today you venture out, book in hand, hoping to find a quiet place with a little background noise to read. A change of scenery and a breath of air may help the frayed nerves you haven’t been able to shake these last weeks. Your feet carry you to the library almost without any thought. It had been among one of the first areas rebuilt and reconstructed after the war and though they built it much the same as it had been, it had a distinctively new feel to it.

It’s a bit of a bustle with people, mostly first and second years who think studying is still the most important thing they can do. Idiots, you think. You walk around for a little bit, admiring the fresh wooden tables and shelves, before gravitating towards a back corner. There used to be a couple of chairs in a back row of books by the muggle section that no one ever frequented. With any luck, it might still exist.

Fate smiles down on you, but it’s a wicked smile because yes, your little nook is still there, but so is Draco. He sits in the armchair in plain clothes, an elbow on the armrest, and his face propped up on his fist as he stares down at the book in his lap. His platinum hair falls into his eyes, yet he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. He looks so ordinary, like he could be any man in the world and it irks you in a way you can’t put into words. He’s not ordinary. He’s not any man. He’s Draco Malfoy.

You stare long enough for him to sense it and look up from his book. And for what feels like for the first time all year, he looks at you. He freezes for just a moment, as though he’s shocked or perhaps scared at the sight of you. Then in a blink it’s gone, replaced by a softer tone in his eyes.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, his voice a rush of warm nostalgia. He closes his book. “I can leave.” Even though you’re negatively shaking your head, he gathers the bag at his feet and stands.

“It’s alright,” you try to tell him. “I’ll just go somewhere else.” He’s already standing up in front of you, ready to slink past. There’s an urge to reach out and grab his arm. You repress it.

“No, it’s fine. You like this spot.” He says it so quickly and his eyes flitter to anything but your face as he passes. Before you can try to say anything else, he’s disappeared beyond more shelves of books, completely out of view.

You’re left standing there looking after him feeling entirely unsatisfied and empty with the interaction. You can’t put your finger on or voice what you wanted to happen, but that certainly wasn’t it.

Sighing, you concede to do what you had come for. Even that proves to be too difficult because when you settle into the chair, it’s still soft with his imprint and warm with his body heat. It gives you the barest sensation of having him wrapped around you. It reminisces more than it should of that too-long-hug you shared before he’d kissed you for the first time. The memories washing over you make it too difficult to focus on the words in your book. You snap it shut and leave. The common room is clearly the better place to stay.

~~~

All of your interactions after that are all short and insignificant. He’s always there, but never looks your way. If he does have to speak to you, it’s always in a minimal way. It never fails to leave you frustrated and angry. Even your books aren’t easing your tension like they used to.

It's been nearly a full month now and throwing yourself into your studies hasn’t helped you any either. You’ve practically finished the coursework for half of your classes. Your homework is done well before you wish to go to sleep for the evening. You haven’t set foot outside the castle walls. You have so few friends, no family, and no one who can relate to your troubles. And the one person you’d counted on your whole life, your best friend and the boy you would have done almost anything for, barely even looks at you.

The suffocation of it all comes in the darkness of night. It crushes down on your chest and burns on your arm. Your fucking arm. You’ve scrubbed it. You’ve concealed it. You even went so far as to try to cut the skin off. Nothing works. That skull and snake are with you forever. And everyone knows it.

Some nights you can’t take it. You can’t merely lay in your bed and pretend sleep will come peacefully. So you leave your room. You wander the castle, trying to find those places that bring warmth to your heart and avoid those were people died.

Tonight, you go to the courtyard just to look at the stars. There’s something soulful about the sky. It’s where muggles look to when they pray to a higher power. It holds a universe more expansive than you could ever imagine. It could swallow you whole if you let it or maybe, just maybe one day it will show you how to be happy.

You forcibly don’t recognize that laying in grass and looking up at the sky had been something you and Draco used to do together. It works well enough to let you enjoy the activity again by yourself, but it blinds you to the idea that Draco might be doing the same thing.

You shouldn’t have been so surprised when you reach the courtyard and he’s there, leaning back on the fountain and staring upwards, but you are. When your shoe crunches on the gravel, his head snaps to you and with his own surprise, stands up.

Another short apology. Another move for a quick exit in the opposite direction of you. Your fists clench at your sides, unable to bottle in your anger any longer.

“Oh would you shove off with that?” you snap before he can slip back into the shadows. He turns and raises an eyebrow at you. “I was ready,” you tell him angrily. “I was ready to come back this year and hate you. I was ready to avoid you and shoot you pissed off glares from across the room. Then I get here and you avoid me!” His face puzzles for a moment.

“So you want me to try to talk to you so that you can tell me off?” A little bit of his old self, of the Draco you once knew and loved, comes through in an irritated eye roll. “Sorry to disappoint.” You let out a huff of air and cross your arms.

“Why are you avoiding me?” The puzzled look on his face returns.

“The way you’re reacting right now doesn’t answer that question for you?” He tilts his head and hums mockingly. “Not as smart as I thought you were.”

“Smarter than you are, clearly.” He grinds his jaw at your condescension and then he’s walking up to you, getting closer than he’s been all year and your bravery falters for a moment as your feet step you back and your arms uncross to hang useless by your sides.

“That’s why I haven’t approached you. I don’t need another lecture. I’ve been to trial. I’m on probation. I’ve had everything I’ve ever done wrong put out in front of me in excruciating detail. I don’t need you to give me another run through.” His eyes and his tone are cold, hard. You recognize it all too well and while he’s gotten better at hiding it, you can still see the pain underneath. It tries to soften you, but ultimately fails.

“They shouldn’t have let you come back,” you spit at him, instantly regretting the words when he pulls away. You don’t mean it. Of course you don’t mean it, but you say it with enough venom and hate that he believes it.

“We all made mistakes,” he hisses at you before glancing down to your arm. The heat of his stare practically stings and you have to resist that instinctive pull to hide it away. “I hear you’re the shining example everyone uses to demonstrate that not all bad guys hail from Slytherin, even despite the fact that you changed sides in the end.” The only reason you don’t crack your palm over his cheek is because you give in to the need to hold onto your left forearm tightly, your palm now busy cradling the skull of the Dark Mark underneath your shirt sleeve. “How’s that feel?”

“You’re horrid,” you tell him weakly. He tilts his head again.

“That is what everyone says.” He gives a shrug that tries too hard to be casual and finally steps out of your personal space. With a small shake of his head, he turns to leave again, but you refuse to let him get the last word.

“At least I tried to atone!” you call after him. He pauses, but doesn’t look back. “I did the right thing when it mattered!”

“And where did that get you?” he asks bitterly. “Where did it get your family?” You suck in a harsh breath and try desperately to hold back the tears that are abruptly burning behind your eyes. Dead, you think. It got them killed.

“They made their own choices.” It sounds rehearsed because it is. You told yourself those same words over and over again every night for months. Your parents weren’t good people. You knew that. They were still your parents though and when you heard He’d killed them, it hurt more than you want to admit. And Draco knew that. Draco knows your weaknesses and your soft spots and just how to twist a knife into you. Perhaps that’s why you hated him so much.

“You don’t bother me and I won’t bother you.” He still hasn’t even so much as looked over his shoulder back at you.

“Fine,” you answer curtly, your hand still wringing around your forearm. When he leaves, you allow yourself to crumple onto the ground and cry. You feel so much hollower than the last time he’d left you in tears. Back then, the air had practically crackled with tension and death and war. Now the air is silent, calm and that makes it all the more unsettling. All the more finite.

~~~

Thanks for reading darling! If you’ve enjoyed, I ask that you like, comment, reblog, or if you’re really feeling generous, buy me a coffee! https://ko-fi.com/writerashley

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[katherinewilliams221b]

For A Greater Good 16/18

Not my gif. Before It’s Too Late

Summary: Kate Williams, young healer and member of the Order,  joins Durmstrang’s staff at Dumbledore’s request. Her mission? Find a Death Eater and survive long enough to tell the story. Set in 1996.

Pairing: Charlie Weasley x ofc/mc

Masterlist

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5]

[Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10]

[Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14]

[Part 15]

--

Warnings: mentions of blood and wounds

Classes were over, grades had been hung in the corridor, and Durmstrang celebrated that another year was over. 

Kate was forcing a comb through her brown waves when she heard laughter and hasty footsteps outside her dorm. Returning her attention to her hair, she pressed more insistently on the knot that was refusing to untangle and contemplated the day ahead of her; the Annual Exposition of Dark Arts had arrived and with it, the crushing fear of not leaving Durmstrang anytime soon.

She had told Dumbledore and Rhode she was no auror; she didn’t have training in catching criminals, if that’s what one of these people were.

“Well, it’s not like someone will raise their hand and say ‘it’s me, Kate, take me to Azkaban.’” She murmured to her reflection in the rusty mirror next to the door.

Why? Why had Dumbledore put her there? What was she supposed to do? Almost six months had passed; she had heard from Dumbledore only once, and Rhode was so busy with the school’s events that had practically forgotten why she was there.

But Kate still remembered. She still remembered what happened to Flavia Hodges.

Having abused her locks enough, she attempted to shape them into curls, twirling some hairs around her finger. When she finished, she traced her dragon necklace before securing it under her robes.

Who would be willing to join a Dark Wizard? And why? For a greater good, as Corentin had said? Or maybe for more personal reasons? No one was exempt from guilt, no one was good or bad; Cassandra Steiner was rude and disagreeable, but she was a mediwizard and cared for others; Flavia Hodges was almost murdered and Kent Jorgensen would have protected the man he thought was guilty, but he wasn’t ill-intended and seemed to be a clever man; Leron Angelov was sick and violent with his son, but he had enough problems to be a criminal; Libor Marek was intolerant and prejudiced, adequate characteristics for a Death Eater, but that didn’t make him one; and the only thing that Kate knew about Mer Yankelevich was that she was a liar.

She let out a heavy sigh and made her way to the desk. After grabbing her cloak from her chair and fastening it around her neck, she grabbed the several items she intended to carry with her at all times: her wand, her diary, the list and the trick wand that the Weasley twins had sent her.

The night before, tidying up her belongings, she had found the box that Fred and George had sent her and thought it could be a good farewell gift to Vivien, in case she wanted to give a lesson to Jon Hopkins.

She felt uncomfortable with everything she was carrying on her. The list and her notebook were inside her improvised pockets, and both wands were safely tucked in each sleeve. Impractical for the occasion, but with everyone distracted with the AEDA, it was very easy for someone to slip out of there unseen, and she had no intention of anyone walking into her room and finding those items. After fastening her ankle boots, she headed outside.

 Rhode had not been exaggerating when she described the AEDA as the biggest event of the year; the corridors were ostentatiously decorated with garlands and lights; countless carriages arrived on the castle grounds one after another and the doors to the dining hall were open all day, held up by pillars from which people could grab pamphlets describing the event’s activities.

Tables had been rearranged to form the various displays, and the students were dressed in their finest robes to honour the occasion.

The hustle and bustle of the day made the place unrecognisable, characterised by its usual gloom and darkness.

She advanced through the hall, pausing from time to time to watch project demonstrations and congratulate those taking part in the competition. Her eyes fell on a familiar face next to her; Leron Angelov sat behind a table where a seventh-grade girl explained her work to three wizards who, judging by their golden robes, were the judges.

“The potion lets you transfigure into whatever animal or object at will, only for a few minutes…” she exposed. Kate approached Angelov and leaned in to whisper, “Don’t do that.” Leron stared at her and stopped scratching his arms.

After wandering around for a while, she finally reached her own table, greeted her students and settled wizards and witches filed in and out of the room, delighting in the students’ magnificent works.

She wished with all her might that she could share their enthusiasm.

She gave several forced smiles, for Rhode’s sake, as the organiser of the event she wanted everything to go smoothly, but deep inside she was overwhelmed by a deep worry that she didn’t know how much longer she could bear.

“It’s really ugly.” She overheard one of her students, Greta, referring to her umbrella flower. Several of her children were standing behind a table, presenting their work to the audience.

A single umbrella flower, magically modified to remain a medium size, floated above the table; its vibrant red colour stood out among the sober tones of the place. The top of the plant, usually hollow to do justice to its name, now was decorated with thirty-seven fangs all around the base, giving it the appearance of a weird-looking lamp.

“You should be proud,” she reminded them, “You’ve managed to do something wonderful.”

“It’s still horrendous.” Jon Hopkins commented, wrinkling his nose.

“We’ve done next to nothing...” lamented Micael. Kate raised her eyebrows.

“What do you mean, you haven’t? We needed every single one of your plants, remember they didn’t all germinate, and only one of them got these results. And these posters explaining the whole process? They are priceless...”

They were still not convinced, so she kept insisting “In a few years, someone will want to do the same as you and they will be grateful to have your work as a reference”.

A man and a woman approached their table and after reading a few paragraphs of their report, left without comment. Everyone visibly deflated.

“By the way, where is Vivien? I have something for her...” asked Kate. Micael shrugged.

She looked around, but it was impossible to find anyone among the crowd. She saw a few familiar faces; like Jorgensen chatting animatedly with some seventh year students or Sheyi Mawut, who was making his way through the wizards towards her. There was no sign of any other teacher.

“Well, well! This is the first time in a long time I’ve seen first-year students exhibiting. What have we got here?” Mawut looked at Kate with a smile and she touched two fingers to Micael’s elbow. The boy looked at her and Kate nodded.

“We have created the first umbrella flower with teeth, Professor! It’s one of a kind because the species itself is unique. It floats like an umbrella flower and has teeth like a fanged geranium...”

Kate watched proudly as Micael’s other classmates came up to support him in his rehearsed explanation, some interrupting the speech out of excitement at being able to contribute something.

“And you did this on your own?” Suddenly the children fell silent and looked at the ground or anywhere but Mawut’s face.

“They’ve done all the hard work,” Kate interjected, “Finding the plant, germinating it, growing the geraniums, crossing the two species...”

“How wonderful... can I read your notes?” Mawut let out a laugh as a mountain of notebooks were at his disposal in a matter of seconds. “Maybe just one will be enough.”

The teacher’s kindness managed to relax Kate just a little.

“I’ve got better at my flying practice, Coach Mawut!” Greta commented, “Do you think I’ll ever be as good as Lena?” Kate raised her head at the familiar name.

“I’m sure you will.”

“Who?” she asked to extend that conversation.

“Lena?” Mawut pointed to some drawings and nodded, smiling, “Lena Yankelevich, she was an impressive seeker. Several top teams like the Vratsa Vultures or Heidelberg Harriers wanted to make contracts with her.”

“What happened?” Mawut closed the notebook and thanked Micael for his explanation. Greta tugged at Kate’s sleeve, causing the fake wand to brush against her skin.

“She died, Professor Williams...” she lamented.

“In the middle of a match… She disappeared into the mountains and never came back. Some Muggle climbers were in the area and saw her, and we found her surrounded by three men who had stolen her broom. But we shouldn’t have gone...” He paused and in a quieter voice added, “The climbers got scared when they saw us. There was a lot of commotion and they pushed Lena... down the cliff. No one knew how Lena had come to that situation.”

A witch casually approached the table and wrote something down on a piece of paper. Everyone around her watched in silence as she looked at the plant and then nodded before turning away.

Mawut went to add something else, but Libor Marek joined them.

“This is an unfair competition.... and what is this? A plant?” He grimaced, and Kate glanced at Mawut before averting her eyes to the rest of the room.

Astrid Rhode had stepped on the pallet where her lectern stood. After rearranging her papers, the witch cleared her throat and drew everyone’s attention to her.

“I can’t begin to express how wonderful it is to have all of you here on this special occasion. To honour this event, let me introduce you to Lazar Berović, a former winner of the AEDA thanks to his system to identify and capture chameleon ghouls.” Kate joined the round of applause with little interest. The man in question took Astrid’s place and started his speech.

Her mind drifted to the single hair that had fallen on her sleeve, and she dully grabbed it between two fingers as slowly as she could, making an effort of not listening the ghoul-hunting narrative they were being ‘gifted’.

She had a document whose content had expanded over the last month, completing a full page and a successfully finished project. There was nothing to keep her at that school any longer. Nothing, except the original reason she was there: to find a supposed Death Eater.

But I want to leave.

Would Dumbledore be angry if she returned early? But how much longer would she have to stay?

I want to go home. I want to go to Charlie.

Then come home.

Charlie’s voice again, echoing in her head as if he were talking to her right next to her. This time she didn’t panic, it was the push she needed to make her decision. Dumbledore would have to settle for the list.

But she would be leaving a bunch of children in the hands of a murderer. No, she’d figure it out when she was safe. If anyone wanted the scroll Kate had in her possession, she’d have to flee before it was too late.

The speech was over, and the room filled with the previous murmur of happiness and excitement.

“Excuse me...” Kate stepped away from the group, leaving Micael in charge of defending the front, and made her way to the door.

She hadn’t realised how much she’d become accustomed to the noise until she’d walked a few corridors away from the dining room. With everyone partying in the middle, Kate and the silence went hand in hand all the way to the library. Or at least, that was where she was headed, had she not come face to face with Corentin.

“Ah, Katherine, I was just on my way to the exhibition...” The librarian’s smile crumbled at the sight of her expression.

“Corentin...” she whispered, “I think... I need to get out of here.” They both looked around, but they were alone.

“And how do you plan to do that? With a carriage? They don’t leave until the 20th.”

“I have to go get my trunk and apparate. I don’t know... I’ll jump to Romania and... then to England.” Corentin shook his head.

“I’d recommend three jumps at least.”

“I don’t know that many places! I don’t know where we are!”

“Keep your voice down.” They dissimulated again as two wizards passed in front of them. They greeted each other cordially, and when they were out of range, Corentin grabbed Kate’s elbow. “Everyone is in the Dining Hall. In fifteen minutes the band Rhode has brought will start playing so everyone will be paying attention. Go to your room and stay there until I let you know.”

“What are you planning?”

“We’ll apparate together. We’ll do Sweden, Germany, France and you go to England alone.”

“Corentin...”

“You go. I’ll pick you up in half an hour.” The librarian didn’t give Kate a chance to question him, and she watched him march in his bat form down the corridor.

She turned and broke into a jog towards the side staircase on the ground floor, a shortcut that would take her to her bedroom. She slowed when she felt a presence around her. She sensed desperation by legilimency, and it wasn’t her own. Anger too, even fear.

She turned a corner, but someone was waiting for her. Strong but elegant hands clamped over her mouth and grabbed her robe, pinning her against a chest.. Her pulse quickened, as did her breathing. She tried to free herself from the arm that held her, but it was too strong.

Slowly, the hand covering her mouth slid to the side and reached her neck. Kate couldn’t breathe. She felt the hand tighten around her neck and Mer Yankelevich’s needle-like nails made contact with her skin.

“Give me your wand.” Kate made a movement too sharp for the teacher’s liking and she gripped her tighter. “Slowly.” She tried to take a deep breath, but she had begun to shake in such a way she couldn’t concentrate on her breathing. “Give me your wand, now.”

With an idea half-formed in her head, she moved her left arm to release the wand. Seeing her, Mer snatched it from her hand and jabbed it into her back. “Let’s go for a walk. Don’t even think about running or screaming” They strolled to the other end of the ground floor. They passed by several wizards and in the eyes of the world everything was normal.

Just as the teacher muttered “Incarcerous” the Weasley twins’ wand trap rose into the air and began to hit Mer in the head. Taking advantage of her absent-mindedness, Kate broke free of her grip and ran off in search of the front door. She pulled her real wand out of her other sleeve, knowing Mer was very close behind her.

Just a little closer.

She ran through the sea of people in front of the door, hoping to get lost in the crowd. She glanced back as she went, but there was no sign of the teacher.

She left the castle with bated breath, and hastily pulled her diary from her pocket, muttered ‘Reducto’ turning it into a tiny, almost unrecognisable object, and continued running towards the bridge.

Maybe she could take refuge in the forest, go to the coordinates Dumbledore had given her, maybe the stranger would find her if it was an emergency. She cursed when she remembered she had burned the map.

She was about to reach the other side of the bridge when something hit her from behind, causing her to fall to the ground.

With a scream she hit the stone, and from the ground she saw Mer Yankelevich striding towards her. She looked around frantically, searching for her wand. She reached out and drew the weapon towards her before pointing it at the teacher.

Yankelevich paused, pointing her wand at Kate, and waited for her to rise from the ground. Both witches stared down at each other in a duelling stance, and the spells soon began to explode. Kate fought back as best she could, trying to remember some of Marek’s tricks, but Mer was the Charms teacher and she knew that at any moment she would tire herself out until she lost.

“You’ve got something that’s mine!” shouted Mer between curses.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Kate started to walk backwards, trying to go around Mer and turn her back on the castle, but the teacher was quicker and cornered her against the bridge wall.

“The stone! Where is it?”

“I don’t have any stone!” Kate peeled away from the bridge wall, dodging spells with little grace. One in particular made her ears pop, and she could barely hear Mer accusing her of lying repeatedly.

“How did you get in the room?” shouted Yankelevich, “The column broke!” Kate gasped as a stunning spell hit her leg and she staggered backwards. Focused on not falling to the floor, she didn’t notice the parchment flying out of her robes.

“You broke it?” Kate asked as she tried to catch her breath, “Why?”

“It wasn’t on purpose. That’s the entrance to Grindelwald’s room, and I was trying to open it.” She took a few steps towards Kate, pointing her wand at her. “So tell me; how did you get in?” her accusatory tone made the young witch flinch. Kate bit her tongue, physically, to avoid revealing how wrong she was. In case she didn’t make it out of this situation alive, the teacher must not know her way into the room.

With Charlie in mind, she lowered her wand, hoping to give Yankelevich a sense of security. Band music began to play from inside the castle, conveniently deafening those inside and isolating them from the catastrophe that may or may not be occurring on the bridge.

In only an instant, Kate noticed how the teacher got distracted by the sound of the instruments and took advantage of her glance over her head to begin a duelling offensive. Mer defended herself gracefully, dodging and occasionally returning her opponent’s attacks. Kate’s chances diminished with each spell.

Yankelevich turned her back on the castle, and it was at that moment Kate realised her previous oversight. There, at the feet of the person who might be her executioner, the list of Death Eaters’ names lay within her grasp.

“Mer,” she began cautiously, “all this is for your sister? None of this is worth it.”

“What do you know! Do you have a dead sibling? You have no idea...” It was a stab in the heart without knowing it. The internal debate in Kate’s stomach was making her dizzy, and as she considered whether to tell her story, the teacher crouched at the sight of the document. “We all lose loved ones. Angelov, Jorgensen, Marek, myself.” Mer ignored her.

“So this is how Karkarov intended to communicate with the Ministry...” The parchment flew through the air as Kate’s spell impacted against the teacher’s hand. Both witches began a dance of lights and explosions again, swirling around unknowingly gravitating towards each other.

The castle doors burst open and a third wave of spells shot towards them. Libor Marek was almost galloping in their direction furiously airing his wand.

“Mer!”

Kate let out a choked cry as Yankelevich twisted her arm backwards. She had managed to physically reach her and after pulling at her forearm, one hand with threatening nails anchored her neck against the teacher’s chest; with the other, she pointed her wand at Kate’s temple.

Both witches looked at Marek with completely opposite expressions.

“Mer... Let go of the girl.” He warned, holding up a hand.

“Look, your guardian angel has arrived. Day after day, that man has been preventing you and I from having a friendly chat, always sitting outside your classroom, hovering in the corridors without letting you out of his sight,” she turned to Marek, “tell me Libor, what has this girl done for you?”

“This is not about her. You think I don’t know you were seeing Karkarov on the sly? You think I don’t know that you threatened to turn him in to the Ministry? You think I don’t know that you’re the one who’s been trying to get to that imaginary room?”

“It’s real! She got in with the help of the bat she has as a friend. And now she’s going to tell me how.”

Kate couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You knew?” The accusation was drowned out when the grip around her neck tightened. “She tried to kill Flavia! She practically couldn’t speak!”

“And who do you think stopped her from going to the hospital wing to finish the job, huh?”

“Enough.” Mer finished. She forced Kate to walk to the bridge wall and bent her over the stone. She stared straight into the eyes of the abyss; the fog prevented her from seeing the end, if the cliff had one, and she knew that if she didn’t act soon all that would be left of her would be her memory. “I’m only going to ask you one more time. You found the resurrection stone, where is it?”

“There was no stone!”

She felt the needle stick as if it had happened in slow motion. She brought her hand to her neck as Mer released her and managed to drop to the ground just before the barrage of spells between her and Marek reached her. If she was dizzy before, now she was convinced she was going to throw up.

She slid down the stone to the ground as her vision blurred. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again, trying to maintain some control over her body. Spotting her wand near her, she awkwardly crawled towards it, avoiding a violet light that flew treacherously close to her.

She tried to get to her feet, but instantly collapsed again. The nausea was increasing, her vision was blurring more and more, her pulse was throbbing. She pushed her hair out of her face as best she could and rubbed her eyes, but she couldn’t quite focus on the dancing figures circling before her.

Corentin was waiting for her somewhere, probably by the door of her room to take her to a safer place. But she couldn’t reach him, not without the list.

Kate frantically searched for the paper somewhere on the bridge, hoping with all her might that the wind wouldn’t suddenly pick up. Moving her head like that did not help her condition, and the migraines she had been experiencing made their appearance to reinforce her misfortune.

Where were the cavalry? Why was no one from the castle coming to the rescue?

A bitter taste rose in her throat, forcing her to spit out some saliva, which to her horror was whitish. 

No one would come to help her. She would have to save herself.

With what little energy she had left, she stumbled to her feet and took a few steps towards the other side of the bridge. The list was at her fingertips, but the world was spinning and twisting, and now both hands were trembling.

The moment her hand made contact with the paper, a spell exploded against the stone above her head. But she couldn’t back out now. She reached out and caught the parchment between her fingers. She pointed her wand at herself, still shaking, and felt the familiar tug in her stomach that would pull her out. Yankelevich looked with terrified eyes at what was about to happen and pointed her wand at Kate.

The green light of the unforgivable curse never grazed her.

  Kate collapsed to the floor of the grimy Grimmauld Place street with a sob. Corentin had warned her about this; I recommend at least three jumps, the librarian had said.

Lying on the floor with her arms stretched out on her sides, she looked to her right; her eyes were full of tears and her arm full of blood. 

I recommend at least three jumps.

She felt herself choked up again. This time, some foam adorned the corners of her lips, while trying to reach her wand with her left hand.

Three weary taps against the ground caused the building in front of her to awaken, revealing the door of the Black family home. Breathing was getting harder and harder, and with her ears increasingly clogged, Kate tried, to no avail, to stop her splinching from bleeding. Without dittany, it would be impossible.

She raised her wand towards the building with a groan. Unable to utter a word, she concentrated on firing several red lights into the windows. Some bounced off the walls and others off the glass, and she prayed it would be enough, for keeping her arm up was draining her strength.

As the convulsions became more violent, her hand fell to the floor with the rest of her body.

Attempting to keep her eyes open, she made out figures coming out of the house; one was a lanky, black blob she likened to a Dementor by the way his cloak moved; the other was much shorter and rounder with a hint of red hair. The rest of the people who rushed at her were indistinguishable.

Severus Snape forced her eyes open with his fingers, wearing a worried expression. Recognising him, Kate screamed, or at least she thought she did. The only sound that came out of her mouth was a painful sob.

“Darling, darling, look at me, it’s going to be alright,” Molly reassured. Kate wanted to shout that nothing was right, that she was in danger, that the man who was pouring the contents of a potion down her throat was a traitor.

The convulsions hadn’t stopped yet, but the unbearable burning in her arm did. She wanted to watch her wound heal, but Molly clutched her tear-soaked cheek preventing her from seeing the amount of blood that had gushed out from her arm.

“You’ll be fine, sweetheart, you’ll be fine.”

She choked on her saliva and Molly tilted her head to help her spit out the remnants of foam. Several conversations sprang up around her; all seemed distant, like an echo in a cavern.

When the shaking stopped, the relief was almost immediate. Snape forced her jaw open, emptying a vial into her mouth again. The commotion didn’t seem to end; several wizards and witches combed the street for any Muggle witnesses, and others were busy inspecting windows and doors.

Intense pain engulfed her head and mind. Attributing it to migraines, Kate missed the long, silver strand that shot from her temple in the direction of an unknown wand. She closed her eyes, and with one last deep breath everything went black.

--

[Part 17]

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A/N: Oooooooooof I dont know how did you react to this I’m so nervous

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