#also FUCK MYCS NAME GOT CUT OFF
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SHE CAN LOVE THEM ALL SHE HAS 2+4 HANDS
#SNDBSD i couldnt decide between Robotus and a Beating Smbs Ass hand#so i included both#also FUCK MYCS NAME GOT CUT OFF#and brett isnt capitalized#but YKNOW WHAT?#i made his in a minute its ok#*cracks hands* tag time#brett hand#reagan ridley#dr. andre#glenn dolphman#myc#magic myc#robotus#robotus inside job#rand ridley#mentioned derogatoraly#inside job#inside job spoilers#the gang#andre lee
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MYC Part 1
Bucky x Reader
Mini-Series
Summary: Life gets complicated when your ex comes back from the dead. How the story goes is up to you...
Word Count: 2115
Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of alcohol
A/N: I lied in the promo, this is going to be a mini-series but released in 2 day intervals so you won't have long to wait. This is something new I'm trying. This used to be a one-shot that you can find in my masterlist that I had so many requests to carry on and also lots of angry people wanting to make different choices. While I always try to write for myself, this one is for you. Enjoy Lovelies <3
Special Mention: My best friend, Jay, has drawn all the pictures you will see in this series. He is amazing and incredibly talented in lots of styles. He is super friendly so please check him out here! And show some love <3 He is also taking requests!!!
MYC Masterlist
“You know I could kick your ass any day of the week, Buck", you say with a smirk and a sideways glance in the elevator down.
Bucky chuckles and turns to you, “only because you cheat".
You look at him, jaw slack in mock offense, “I do not cheat!”.
“Oh please! Last week you started crying and you know I hate seeing you cry! You knew I had you and you took advantage of the fact I’m your boyfriend”, Bucky says, the smirk never leaving his face.
You toss him one of your own and say, “that’s just good tactics, baby. Use your opponent’s weakness against them".
Bucky tips his head back to laugh and it has you grinning when the doors slide open into the lobby of the avengers building. People are milling about like ants but it’s the commotion at the front desk that has you pausing.
A guy with sandy hair that brushes the tops of his shoulders is shouting at the receptionist, “you need to let me see her!”.
Adrenaline starts to flood your veins and you find yourself approaching without thought as you notice his ripped clothes. His voice scratching familiarly at a door you thought you closed years ago.
He shouts again, “you need to get Y/N down here now, you don’t understand”.
The way your name falls off his tongue is like a sucker punch and it takes everything not to double over from shock. You’re vaguely aware of Bucky murmuring, “is he asking for you?”.
But it’s only you and the guy in the whole of the room right now as you say, “Charlie?”.
Charlie, your ex of 4 years, whips around at the sound of your voice. You take each other in for a full minute before he makes his way towards you.
Instinctively, you take a step back. Your ex was dead. You were there when he died. You went to his funeral. This man in front of you is a ghost.
Charlie doesn’t flinch at your reaction, instead taking another step and talking to you like you’re a frightened animal, “Y/N, it’s okay, it’s me, Charlie. Please baby, you’ve got to believe me. I’ve been trying to get back to you all this time and I’ve finally found you".
You shake your head but don’t move away from him, “h-how?”.
Charlie stretches his arms out towards you, “does it matter?”.
The room rushes back as you see Bucky’s metal arm come between you and Charlie, his voice comes out hard and guarded, “actually, yes it does matter. You’re supposed to be dead".
Your head was spinning far too fast to register the switch in Charlie as he replies with equal wariness and steel, “yes, I realise that. Can I have a moment with my girlfriend”. It was a statement, not a request despite the wording.
Bucky doesn’t budge, “I’m not sure, you’ll have to ask her". Neither of them takes their eyes off each other and you can feel the air get so thick with tension you wonder when the lightning is going to strike.
You shake your head like you can clear away the cobweb of memories. You lay a hand on Bucky’s arm but look to Charlie, “I guess you should come upstairs then”.
It doesn’t take long before you’re standing in the kitchen, a fresh pot of coffee made and silence to settle. You stand leaning against the counter, Charlie sits at the island nursing a mug, and Bucky leans against the entryway watching Charlie’s every move.
After Charlie takes a sip of his coffee, he looks to you with an annoyed but desperate look, “why does he have to be here? This isn’t how I imagined our reunion”.
You look from Bucky to Charlie before saying, “he’s staying, Charlie. Bucky is, well, he’s my boyfriend”.
You realise you’re holding your breath, but you can’t help it as you watch for Charlie’s reaction. You think you see shock, but it’s quickly masked by a guarded face that could only mean he was hurt, “oh, I see”.
Your heart squeezes a little and you find yourself speaking before you think, “it’s not like that, Charlie”.
You see Bucky give you a sharp look and your head starts to spin again. How the hell did you end up in this position? There was a time you couldn’t even get a guy to call you back and now you have 2 boyfriends? Well, kind of.
You scrub your hands down your face and let out a sigh before looking to Charlie, “what happened? I saw you die. Where have you been all this time?”.
Charlie nods like he was expecting these questions, “I don’t have all the answers. One second, I have a gun to my head and I’m watching you knowing my number is up and the next I wake up in a dark cell and get tortured for the next 3 years”.
Before you can say anything, Bucky cuts in with only two words, “prove it”.
Charlie stares daggers into Bucky and it leaves a prickly heat spread across your skin, “what the fuck man?”.
Bucky shrugs, unfazed by the aggressive tone, “I know the story. I was the one that found Y/N at a Hydra base. If you were really kept and tortured by Hydra for the last 3 years, there’d be proof”, Bucky pauses to wiggle his metal fingers, “trust me. I know”.
Charlie scraps the chair against the floor, the sound echoing around the room as he lifts up his shirt. Scars of all shapes and sizes criss cross his chest and stomach. It’s a sight that has you step towards him before you finally catch yourself. Your feelings are all over the place. You don’t even know what’s an appropriate reaction anymore.
Bucky is the one to speak again, “how did you escape?”.
Charlie looks to you, anger clearly blazing in his dark brown eyes, “what the fuck is with this guy?”.
They both look to you and it makes you feel like a mother being asked to pick between her children. You want to scream, you want to run, you want to hide, but you know this situation won’t sort itself out. It’ll still be a mess for when you come back.
You look at Bucky and your trust in him is unwavering, woven into the fabric of why you love him, that unbreakable trust.
You look to Charlie and you know you still love him, the man that grew up with you, the man that was taken from you.
You turn your back on them and place your hands on the kitchen counter. You needed a moment to think, to sort through the jumble in your head, without the feel of them watching everything you do. Without the expectations.
You let your shoulders slump and say without even turning around, “how did you escape Charlie?”.
The room goes quiet for a few moments before Charlie replies emotionless, “they let me go”.
Bucky barks out a dark laugh as you slowly turn to face him again. For the first time since you saw him suspicion starts to bloom, “you expect me to believe they just…let you go?”.
Charlie walks around the island towards you and you can practically feel Bucky like a livewire in the room. Charlie grips your upper arms and looks into your eyes with a sincerity that would be hard to fake, but maybe it was the close proximity that had you all out of whack.
Charlie murmurs, “would I lie to you babe? Give me the hard truth or pass me the hard liquor, remember?”.
You smile briefly at the old saying you used to share as you say, “you don’t know where the hard liquor is”.
Charlie grins, “I wouldn’t need to. It was always the hard truth. And telling you that they let me go is the hard truth exactly because of your reaction. If I wanted you to trust what I said straight off the bat I would have made something more convincing up”.
He had a point and it was hard to argue when he was there, standing in front of you. When he was solid flesh and breathing the same air as you. You feel your resolve crumble a bit as you whisper, “you’re really alive”.
Charlie pulls you into a hug as he nods against you, “yeah babe, I’m really alive and there wasn’t a day I didn’t think about you”.
After a few moments Bucky’s voice fills the silence, “you want to hear another hard truth? It doesn’t make sense for Hydra to just let you go. It would be easier for them to kill you than to let you go unless you were still useful to them”.
You step away from Charlie at the sound of Bucky’s voice and turn to Bucky, “you’re probably right, but we have time to figure that out”.
Bucky shakes his head, looking down at the floor before finding your eyes again, “F.R.I.D.A.Y. can you watch our new guest while I talk to Y/N in private”.
F.R.I.D.A.Y. replies immediately, “of course, Barnes”.
You glance back at Charlie before following Bucky out of the room and all the way down the hall, out of earshot of the kitchen even for a super soldier.
Bucky shakes his head again, “I have a bad feeling about this, Doll”.
You roll your eyes, “I wonder why my current boyfriend has a bad feeling about my ex-boyfriend that was supposed to be dead but has come back?”.
Anger flares in his eyes, “it’s more than that, Y/N. There’s something that isn’t adding up, something we’re missing. You can’t tell me you don’t feel it to”.
You cross your arms, “I don’t actually”.
“Oh come on!-“.
“No, Buck. You come on. Someone I cared about…care about has come back from the grave and yes there are questions that need answers but…I saw him die Bucky, can’t I just have a few moments?”, you start the sentence angry but it ends in a whisper.
Bucky’s face softens at your tone. He wraps his arms around your waist to pull you into him, placing a hard kiss to the crown of your head. You breathe him in and take a moment to thank the stars for someone as understanding as Bucky.
Bucky murmurs into your hair, “I’m sorry, I get it, I just want to keep you safe. Besides, we can talk about it more at dinner tonight”.
You pull back slightly to look up at him, “I mean, we’re not going to dinner now”.
Bucky frowns, “what? Why?”.
You pull away from him to see if he was being serious, “did you not just listen to a word I said?”.
Bucky nods, “yeah, of course I did. But we’ve had this dinner planned for ages, Doll, we can’t cancel it now”.
You shake your head at him in disbelief, “it’s not every day that someone’s ex comes back from the dead, so I think that’s a good enough reason to skip the dinner just this once, Buck”.
You start to walk back to the kitchen when “no!”, bursts from Bucky.
You turn to look at him, anger heating up your skin, “what the hell is the matter with you, Barnes?!”
Bucky exhales heavily, head hung low. When he finally looks up at you, he’s wearing his boyish half grin like he’s just accepted the way life has dealt his hand, “this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, and I can’t believe my own goddamn luck”.
“What’s going on, Bucky?”, you ask, confusion tainting your words.
Bucky takes a deep breath before he pulls out a box. Your heart stops at the sight but it takes a few moments for your muddled brain to register what it is until he opens it. A perfect silver ring sits innocently inside.
Words abandon you as you stare at the man in front of you. Bucky says softly, “I was only pushy about dinner because I was going to propose tonight. I had the whole evening planned and everything. Everyone was involved…but the how and what and when doesn’t really matter. It’s the why. I love you, Y/N. More than I ever thought I could. I honestly don’t deserve you, but you make me a better man and my world is brighter with you in it. So, I want you to stay in it, forever”.
He closes the distance between you, but it gives you little comfort and you will him not to say the words, but he does, and it breaks your heart, “will you marry me?”.
[Are you going to marry Bucky Barnes? Make your choice...]
1st Choice 1 - Yes
1st Choice 2 - No
Taglist: @harrystylesisgolden @stucky-my-ship @savvywords @buckysbaby-doll
#bucky barns x reader#bucky barns x y/n#bucky x f!reader#bucky x you#bucky x female reader#bucky x y/n#bucky x reader#bucky barns imagine#bucky barns fanfiction#bucky fanfic#bucky angst#bucky fic
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Out of the closet VII
As Greg removed his coat and hung it in the cloakroom, he steeled himself with a deep breath. He had deliberately dawdled, knowing that that rumour mill would need to sort out their tactics for his arrival and also suspecting that they might be the worse for wear after getting through £500 worth of alcohol.
As he pushed the double doors open with a loud screech, the voices cut off with an almost comedic effect. He grinned, unable to stop himself.
“Morning, Lord, you lot look like shit!”
Then the guffaws the cat calling, the cheers and also an under-current of something else Greg couldn’t quite put his finger on.
Alice, a senior PC, shouted over, “God, don’t let your fella put up a bar tab again, he almost killed us.”
“Sod that, we have got our very own gold mine,” someone else shouted.
The next five minutes was filled with jovial comments and then –
“You will have to give us tips, sir, on how to move up the ladder. You seem to have it down to a fine art.”
The male voice from over his left shoulder cut through the friendly banter like a hot knife through butter and Greg turned to see Peters smirking…
“What was that Peters? Did you just say…. Nooo… I really didn’t hear that did I?”
Peter’s held his eyes, his stare disconcerting. Like a teenager who had just been slapped down by his parents in the middle of his friendship group.
Peters jutted his chin out and blustered out, “I’m just saying…. Well, if you are gonna jump sides, what better way to jump than up? And what other reason would anyone go there?”
There was a collective gasp as everyone took in the disparaging remarks blatantly made of Mycroft Holmes, whilst everyone may had wondered, not one other person would have had the nerve to say it.
Greg was a good man, a fair man but he had never ever gotten anywhere without hard work and dedication. He had never had to really reprimand his team, he always gained respect by his fairness, his ability to share in the shit as well as the good outcomes. He pulled his weight and he walked the walk. But that didn’t mean he didn’t know how to take someone down with his words.
Yesterday, he had known that one of the flirty notes had been from Peters. Last night, he had felt Peters’ possessiveness as he had dragged him into the group, had felt his shock when others had made him aware of Mycroft’s presence, but it was only now he realised that Peters felt that he had been snubbed in favour of Mycroft.
Greg didn’t know whether to laugh or punch him. Fuck, no-one, none but him knew how wonderful Myc was, and he was happy to leave them in blissful ignorance as that side of Myc was his alone.
Instead, he stepped back, pulling his voice into work mode and telling them all to sit.
“Ok, let’s get some things straight here. Last night I allowed you to meet my partner. Someone few of you have met in person and not one of you know anything about other than petty rumours.
As for jumping the fence, Peters, I have to presume you are still intoxicated because not one of New Scotland Yard’s detectives would be so homophobic in their right mind. But let me tell you something, IF we’re talking about people coming out of closets, let me tell you I could walk along this row of closets right here and pick out at least half a dozen of you who are not heterosexual, and you know what? I don’t give a shit. Because what people choose to do with their personal lives is their own affair. It’s just a part of them, and as long as it doesn’t affect work then not one person in this room shall be judged for being gay, BI or a mother fucking closeted Objectophile.
Ok, one last thing, to you Peters but also to anyone else who may even allow a tiny proportion of their thoughts to stray in this direction.
I have been a copper for what seems forever. I have worked my way up the ranks, slowly, steadily and through pure hard work. I get to work on time, I’m often the first in, I am often the last to leave. I have never, ever used a person to gain promotion and find that accusation deeply hurtful to be honest. As for Mr Holmes, I have known him for years as a friend, he is in a friendship circle outside of NSY and we have certain things and people in common outside of this place. Yes, he has a reputation for being an Iceman, he laughs at the title, as he knows all of your silly names for him, but he works tirelessly in his job. He is devoted to his job, more than I am to mine and, he would never ever risk his job to get his leg over. Do you understand Peters!”
Greg’s coldness was like a hard, solid shell wrapped around his body, tendrils of the freezing atmosphere reaching toward Peters slapping him down.
Peters stood, frozen in the icy blast resonating from Greg, he realised three things in a moment, one that he had just made a monumental arse of himself, two that he would get no support from his colleagues and three that his career could suffer irreversible damage from his jealousy.
Greg moved toward him, “Time did you get back to your hotel last night? Or didn’t you? You smell of alcohol and cigarettes, did you actually get home? You haven’t even brushed your teeth. Get out of here. Be back this afternoon after you have washed, cleaned up and thought about what a stupid prick you are.” He hadn’t even allowed Peters to answer, he could see the answers, he had pulled, shagged all night had more to drink and had come straight here after getting up too late and unaware of his dishevelled state.
Greg turned, suddenly realising the event facilitator was standing awkwardly by the door. He nodded. “Sorry about that, things should go smoothly now.” As he turned around he was inundated with a cheer as the Yarders gathered round, patting him on the shoulder and offering general reassurance. Peters had left.
Even after Peters sidled in after lunch, pristine in appearance, smelling of peppermint and carrying with him a cloud of Lynx Africa body spray around his person, the mood of the day couldn’t be broken. The day was long, the topics were boring but the camaraderie was back on form and Greg was able to relax.
As they wrapped up Greg could see Peters glancing at him across the room, ‘obviously wanting to make up - let him sweat’ He pulled on his coat and laughed as someone shouted, don’t suppose you two will be down the pub tonight?
“Nah, mate we have plans, you will have to buy your own drinks.” And with that he left quickly leaving Peters stewing in his worries.
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WWEm - A Monopoly On Punching
In case you haven’t noticed, this will prove that Emma is really not very keen on Jerry Lawler.
Transmission date: 28/29/ August 2017
Still doing the thing, still not even vaguely punctual, let's have some SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!
cold open on miz and his crew in the ring
and the announcement that we're not having booker tonight
i'd be happy, but it's because of hurricane sandy
and we get lawler instead
fuuuuuuuuck
cries
so later tonight, we have brock existing, alexa/sasha for the belt, and roman/cena contract signing
but now, a miz
and maryse in trousers, of all things
miz gets half a word into whatever he was doing before kurt interrupts everything
miz is not even slightly impressed
kurt is here to semi-apologise about there being no ic title match at slam, but promises one at no mercy
miz responds by defining the word respect
just so kurt knows
and delivers an impassioned speech on behalf of a belt
kurt responds by making a battle royal for a title shot next week
so that's what we're having now
aaaaaaaa
it's the big show
but he's shaved
he looks like somebody inflated kurt
why would this happen
welp, five minutes in and there goes my ability to take this ep seriously
and now the hardyz
one day i will understand the purpose of the toilet paper hanging out of jeff's back pocket
but it is not this day
oh yeah, and the miztourage are in this
and now finn
for fuck's sake, jerry, stop yelping
just turn your mic off and be misogynistic in silence
cole and graves can handle this
does the arms
apparently this is going to be a 15-man fight, but here's an advert break while the rest arrive
myc advert
(hint: watch the mae young classic, it's dope as fuck)
and we're back
with jason jordan entering
now his bad music has some rap over it
also present are goldust, kalisto, curt hawkins, r-truth, apollo crews, elias [NAME] and gallows and anderson
hawkins eliminated by everyone while i type that, because fuck that guy
well of course you had money on curt, jerry
that's because you're a twat
and now everyone turns to the big show
although nobody wants to make the first move
so all the jobbers do so
chaos ensues
the miztourage throw kalisto out
apparently cole hates people having friends
you heard it here first
jerry makes a fart joke, because once again, fuck that guy
big show is just ignoring the rest of the match while he slaps a guitarist
(a guitarist has no name)
the club take show out, with some unexpected rebulletening courtesy of finn bálor
finn gets to do his pin rollout dropkick thing on elias, despite that pin attempt making precisely zero sense
truth gets eliminated because eh
everyone keeps almost eliminating jeff
must be hard for him to actually try and stay in an elevated position
bless
the panel put their money on jj, so let's see how obvious this booking can be
goldust gets eliminated by a combination of gallows, anderson, and his own inability to follow up on moves
ad break, during which apollo eliminated himself by being an idiot
why would you do anything springboarding off the top rope in this match
sigh
matt eliminates gallows with a well-timed shamble, almost gets taken out by anderson
and then they punch the tits off each other on the apron
anderson gets whipped into the ring post and goes out, gallows just rips matt off the apron
miz gets the idea, jumps in to help his minions
memphis is not pleased at the loss of seven deities
thanks for that replay, the camera didn't really show miz's interference there
finn gets to do his usual comeback/grimace sequence
kicks elias off the turnbuckle, but he manages to stay in
slingblades jj, i do my usual pop
faces off with jeff hardy, crowd goes mental
and then gets dropkicked in the dick
which is totally fine if you're jeff hardy
dropkicks him and bo into the corners, everyone is down until wyatt cut bray throws him out
what can you do when your nemesis can teleport
cue finn slumped against the barricade with a face like what the actual fuck
jj does a cool reversal spot, only marred by jeff almost accidentally rolling under his feet, eliminates the miztourage, elias eliminates him, jeff eliminates elias and...wins?
huh
well, i guess they didn't go with the obvious booking
cut to miz, who looks to have had the same reaction
so miz/jeff next week
sure, why not
jeff's just thrilled his music is playing
god, but does jeff love that music
ok, i got a couple of those last eliminations the wrong way round
jj took out elias, was taken out by jeff
thanks replay
jeff is still taking off and putting on random articles of clothing
dude, you wear too many clothes
consider consolidating a bit
you're not a final fantasy character
(full disclosure: i would play the absolute shit out of a ff-style rpg about the hardyz)
(or p much any wwe characters, tbh)
(theres a market, guys, exploit it)
(you don't need people to take your angles at face value any more)
but yeah, here's a video package about the ongoing brauk lesman sitaution
and reminding me how hilarious it was last week
10/10 would watch brock get put through the floor again
so yeah, brock's back tonight
we can only hope it goes as well as last time
but up next, enzo's first cruiserweight match
but first, apparently, charly interviews alexa
who's splashed on a pretty great denim vest
alexa again leans on how sasha can't defend belts
so clearly she will
charly's interview face has crossed the line from 'serious journalist' to 'kind of in love'
and i don't think any of us can blame her
but yeah, here's enzo
time to see if he can actually wrestle
so yeah, spoilers if you don't watch 205, i guess
enzo's a cruiserweight
comes in, does his usual thing
well yeah, jerry, of course you love enzo
that's because you're a twat
enzo reminds us that cass got injured
apparently that's legit?
torn acl, out for months
boo
so yeah, step to enzo and you'll end up accidentally breaking your own knee
unless he's claiming he has some kind of probability powers, that makes no sense at all
mentions mayweather/mcgregor, gets super mixed heat
and apparently he's fighting noam
who he says has two last names?
dude, you're from the northeast, learn some jewish names
noam hasn't got a mic yet, so a trick has officially been missed
his face is very much how the fuck an i the responsible adult in this ring
and then just kicks the fuck out of enzo
pan out to neville watching
or possibly just staring into the middle distance as usual but someone's put a tv in front of him
noam tries to rip enzo's hair out, jerry decides the best use of all our time right now is for him to make fun of neville's hair
enzo does an arm drag headkick thing that he totally got off the mae young classic, and gets a pin that builds no heat whatsoever
well, i guess that happened
and then dabs on him
dude, that gimmick's taken
and now charly's here to ask neville what he thinks of enzo
he's just like hahahahaha fuck seriously?
i'm gonna be champion forever
drops a how you doin, end thing
but next, brock is alive
after we tell you how we win at social media
no, stop introducing jerry
but yes, here we have a bouncing simpleton
also his manager
paul says words, you can all fill in the blank yourself
and then a new section on the theme of how braun's pretty great but brock's still gonna win
paul is the only one left in this company who understands the importance of hyping your opponents, it seems
and also here's a verbal recap of everything's that happened in this angle
"i don't believe in monsters, but i believe braun strowman is one"
that's a sentence that needs some serious philosophical unpacking right there
brock takes paul's mic mid-flow, manages to restrain himself to a "suplex city, bitch", so at least we didn't have to cut it for profanity
drops the mic, paul follows him out like welp guess we're done
but now, here's a seth
just with a solo match for tonight, but dean's here with him anyway
dean gets down to the ring, puts the belt he was carrying on backwards just so he could do the dramatic spin thing
smart money says he'll have taken it off again by the time we get back off this break
but first, an advert for the show we were once upon a time meant to be competing with
ok, no, dean's still got a belt on
jerry, never tell us about total bellas again
on which note, here's a video about the return of cena
which makes total sense in the middle of the intros to this seth/cesaro match
and the package keeps him saying 'certaint'
bless
fuck, this package is long
and there's not even anything i can say about it, because this angle was balls except for cena making fun of people, which has got entirely cut
but finally back to the actual match that's happening now, here are the kkb
i love their entrance, even if it is just their solo entrances bolted together
their jackets have gained some chain epaulette things this week
and were their kilts camo before?
because they are now
not thrilled
pan over to dean hanging off the ropes doing the loser sign and sticking his tongue out
the apex of maturity right there
but now that we're actually in the match, i am a very happy internet person because seth/cesaro is always a great match
casual standing moonsault, why not
i do still kind of miss his heel hair, though
sheamus gets some distraction time by just kind of lurking at ringside and not doing anything
cut to ads, come back on cesaro doing a massive military press/leg drop combo
like i say, this is a good match
apparently seth started the match "like a house of fire [sic]"
shut the fuck up, jerry
seth counters a top rope crossbody into a nearfall and a great enzuigiri, commence to comeback
one day an announcer will pronounce enzuigiri correctly and i can just stop watching forever
cesaro puts seth on the top turnbuckle, then is shocked when he immediately eats a blockbuster
like seriously, watch a match some time
sheamus tries to interfere, dean starts a really awkward brawl, distracts seth long enough for cesaro to hit him with a massive uppercut for the pin
i'll be honest, this feud could run and run and i'd be happy
and now sheamus has a mic
to talk shit and challenge dean to a match RIGHT NOW
which is apparently happening
sure
does kurt just fuck off home after the first hour of the show and leave it to run itself
this match is less technically sparkling, as you might imagine, but scrappier and still fun
sheamus puts a stretch muffler on dean
when the fuck did we last see that move
dean tries to counter out, sheamus just transitions into a cloverleaf
i'd watch submission specialist sheamus
does three beats of the bodhrán before going eh fuck youse
again, puts his opponent on the top turnbuckle then is surprised whren he jumps off
dean counters another bodhrán into a hotshot, but is selling a hip injury hard
sheamus hits white noise from the top rope, dean kicks out because fuck your elevated finisher
brogue countered into dirty deeds countered into getting kicked in the face
cesaro gets up on the apron, seth pulls him off then runs into the ring
ref gets distracted by cesaro following him, seth breaks up a white noise attempt and dean hits dirty deeds for the pin
and now emma's backstage
with mickie, who's continuing to up the Native stuff in her gear
they've got a match later
so lets have a long argument about hashtags
they really need to give emma more to do
mickie takes emma's phone, makes a bet
emma wins, mickie will tweet anything she wants, mickie wins, emma has to stop saying she started the revolution
fuck, that angle's for shit
and now we have a bunch of superstars telling us to donate to the hurricane harvey relief fund, and i have no jokes there
also, i'm reasonably sure i called it hurricane sandy earlier
that was a different thing, and i clearly need to pay attention
and straight from that into burger king giving us a video package about kurt's olympic history
a propos of nothing
but back in the ring, here's mickie and her new headband
WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THEY'VE CHANGED EMMA'S MUSIC FUCK EVERYTHING BURN IT DOWN
seriously
what is this
that was the best music
fuck you, raw
jerry, stop talking about hashtags,you're like 803
and the only thing he can think of to say about emma is making fun of her lipstick
seriosuly, jerry, you're what we had the women's revolution (such as it is) to get away from
and emma gets a rollup out of nowhere for the pin
and they play THE WRONG FUCKING MUSIC
emma gets a mic so she can walk out saying she started the women's revolution three dozen times
so that happened
w/e
but up next, two people you may or may not enjoy do some paperwork
thrilling
after a trailer for the bruce lee film we're producing, seemingly for no other reason than because wwe want a monopoly on punching
but back to the ring, and kurt's back again
here to hype cena/reigns
memphis can't decide which of the two it hates more
cena comes in, hugs lawler
we had such high hopes for you, john
cena's here to talk roman up, presumably because he heard what i said about heyman earlier
claims to "have zero f's to give"
skirting the line, john
does a pithy promo, signs the paper
and here's roman
cole makes the error of asking lawler for an opinion, jerry just flounders for a while while roman sullenly slouches down the ramp
roman starts saying words, memphis immediately commence the booing
roman is basically all i'm not scared you ain't shit
doesn't think he needs to fight cena, drops the undertaker reference to get heat
(it works)
cena sarcastically bends the knee, addresses the concept of him turning heel
and calls roman a "cheap-ass, corporately-created, john cena bootleg"
ouch
maintains that roman is, in fact, a guy
openly pulls out that taker was old, injured, and generally past it
you can poke the mystique if your name's john cena
he is getting enormous pops for just shitting on roman
which is fair
mic passes to roman, who's just like yeah well you suck
cena's like yeah, so does this guy here, but he got a gold medal, so
and now roman's trying to find his second point, not helped by cena taking every pause to be sarcastic and shit on his promo skills in so many words
today's cena is inside baseball cena
shouts "See ya, fourth wall!"
love it
so roman calls him a phony/yes-man/fake bitch
then when he graduates to 'part-timing fake-ass bitch', they actually blank the sound
i love their criteria
roman comes back about cena being part-time and burying upcoming talent to stay on top
say what you will about the people involved, cena has pulled the best promo out of roman in basically ever
roman doesn't want to sully his legacy by chasing cena
so cena calls him a fool
not a thing you hear so often in wrestling
and calls him out for doing the same thing as everyone forever
and congratulates him for cutting a halfway-decent promo after five years
focuses on debunking the rumours of his "mythical golden shovel"
we're back in that rpg
but yeah, points out how he's not nearly as dominant as he used to be and he's been putting new talent over for years
which is true by any objective logic
and he's like yeah i'm only on top because everybody else ain't shit
and i can part-time better than you ever could full-time drops mic
this promo is fire, and memphis loves him
after some more goading, roman finally signs
then flips the table because he's a tool
and now...anderson and gallows are here?
to tell roman and cena they aren't good brothers
gallows's jacket has sprouted some shoulder chains as well
and kurt's like welp, fuck it, tag match
kind of feels like those promos should have just been allowed to breathe on their own rather than going into a largely pointless match
ad break later, cena's in the ring getting beaten on by some bad cousins while roman stands on the apron like oh hey that looks like it hurts
incredibly long headlock by gallows as roman sarcastically calls for the tag
my favourite thing about tag matches is wrestlers lying in the middle of the ring slowly streeeeeeeetching to their partners like they expect to turn into mr fantastic
roman finally gets the tag
and delivers an incredibly shoddy driveby
cena picks gallows up for an aa, then waits for roman to get in position so he can synchronise it with roman hitting a spear for the pin
because before all else, john cena is in service of the show
cena sarcastically applauds as roman's music plays, end segment
but up next, a song
after this smackdown ad, at least
and an nxt ad about the roh invasion
but yes, here he is
wearing obnoxious sunglasses
just does a blues break for no particular reason before doing his spiel
namechecks dusty, memphis don't even react
sort it out, guys
apparently dusty called him the elvis of the wwe
[citation needed]
lawler interrupts his song about how memphis is shit
to say the crowd are pleased would be underselling it a bit
i, on the other hand, fill up slightly more with bile every time lawler says words
and he's brought out pelvis wesley
(for those of you who don't watch southpaw regional wrestling or havent done the wrestling, it's heath slater dressed as elvis)
(i should really watch them)
starts a weird dance-off with elias, who then just kicks him in the crotch
seems reasonable
kicks him around a bit, then hits drift away and stands on him for a bit
that bullshit aside, it's main event time
corey, you don't need to tell us about sasha not defending the belt again
the point has been made
but before that, the myc ad again
watch the myc: it's better than 90% of the shit on this show
but before the match, let's shill jerry's club
and run replays of the battle royal from earlier
and now here's miz and guests backstage
renee's here to get his thoughts
(spoiler: he's not impressed)
objects to it taking one match to get a title shot, flounces off
and now we have charly backstage with sasha
they've changed her hair, and i don't like it
tl;dr: alexa ain't shit and sasha plans to win
in the ring, here's alexa
and the camera focuses for a weirdly long time on some guy with a BLISS IS BELT-LESS sign
if there's a joke in there, i don't get it
but now a burger king ad with the kkb bickering
but agreeing on burgers
sure, whatever
and another hurricane harvey appeal
wow, they're putting everything into the pre-main event buffer
and an ad for a pointless 6-man tag on 205
i'm sure there was a main event on its way, but it's faded into the mists of time
right, here comes sasha, so it'll only be another half dozen adverts before the match starts
aaaaaaand here we go
alexa kicking off with a rollup because fuck the fans
(it doesn't take)
wow, yeah, they've both just decided to go into finishes right away
at this rate, the finish'll be a side headlock
this match is just sasha beating on her, so it's looking good for alexa
double knees to the outside
ish
didn't really connect properly
shockingly, alexa turns it round in the ad break
sorry, jerry, when you try and sell the prestige and importance of a women's title it just makes me giggle
also, i hate you
alexa gets sasha in a really nasty half-bow and arrow hold, just sits there for a while
they are still committing to going for the cheap pin wherever possible
right up until alexa just punches sasha in the face and does a flip piledriver
which doesn't get as much of a reaction as it should have
sasha kicks out, because alexa needed a chance to throw a tantrum
even as enormously long superplex setups go, that could have done with a kick up the ass
ended up with a lovely spot that looked no fun for sasha at all, but still
alexa crawls over for the pin, sasha gets the bank statement out of nowhere
alexa manages to roll over it and hit a brutal lifting ddt for the pin
did somebody need a new mat finisher
so yeah, the belt gets passed again
does the raw women's belt have some kind of bottle imp thing going on
nia comes in to raise alexa's hand and beat some more shit out of sasha
carries alexa around the ring a bit
and then backdrops her into oblivion
the crowd loves it, because there are few things wrestling fans like more than betrayal
brandishes the belt a bit, then walks up the ramp so she can deathstare the ring as we fade
so that was an odd episode
for segment quality, you had a stark choice between great (the contract signing, weirdly enough), ass (mickie/emma, jerry the walking trashfire lawler), and ??? (jeff hardy has an ic title match)
well, that's wrestling, i guess
up next, the same but blue
but first, after a protracted absence during the hiatus, there's another dazzling return to watch
friends and fans, your friend and mine, the horizontal line
-------------------------------
damn, but it's good to see you again, line
best timeskip mechanism since the text crawl right there
but now that we're done getting reacquainted, let's get down to brass tacks
and by 'brass', i mean SUNDAY EVENING
and by 'tacks' i mean SMACKDOWN!
(shut up, you think of a better segue)
but yes, here it is, the unfolding conspiracy that is kevin owens' life
just watch, he'll have a pinboard full of string this week
straight in, announcing orton/nakamura v jinder/rusev for the main event
um
why?
apparently it was just announced
but here in the arena, it's the the singhs
and their boss, natch
i will keep maintaining that this is just aj's music in punjabi until someone steps to my headcanon
and then i will fire back with my headcannon
#gpoy
away from my raving and magrittening, we get a recap of shinsuke fucking up the singhs last week
and sunil/samir tapping to a hold that did not yet exist
one day i'll be able to tell them apart
who am i kidding, i still can't tell jimmy and jey apart 70% of the time
and now jinder says words
little rock do not care for him
or randy, by the sound of it
weird
oh, apparently now he's a representative of all of asia
somewhere shinsuke's like ano
usa chants start the noment he mentions asia, because fucking murica
jinder highlights the very real problem of racial discrimination in public services, gets booed
pronounces 'revered' to rhyme with 'severed'
fucking boo him for that, if you need something
jinder says someone has to pay the price, the singhs immediately start thundering out the apologies
apologising to the entire population of asia
while getting all teary
jinder is not the best actor in this ring
the crowd are just getting into sunil (i think)'s performance
samir (maybe) says he can somehow promise shinsuke will never touch jinder again
gets annoyed because arkansas are not taking their public apologies seriously
only made more difficult by them begging to kiss his feet
"...Really?"
for once i agree with you, john
they don't quite get there before the best music not played by a midi synth hits
oh look, an asian man
i'm sure he's thrilled to have the singhs speak for him
they form a barricade between shinsuke and jinder, he just pushes them out of the way like why the fuck are you even here
and brawl commences
all three of them swiftly dogpile shinsuke
and i am mostly distracted by their ugly sky-blue shirts
oh hey, here's randy
and rusev, who has figured out the element of surprise comes from not having your music and lights hit every time you enter the room
thanks to such devious tactics, randy gets kicked out of existence and shinsuke takes a khallas
end thing
later tonight, aj tries to do an open challenge again
can't see it going well
but next, and which should go far better, american alpha 2.0 have a match
hyped for this
but first, the myc ad again, and i kind of could rewatch the first round
announcement: next week, randy/shinsuke for a title shot
for whatever reason
it's not like they've actually done much to earn it
cut back to the ring, the ascension are already here
remember when they got to win at things?
and here come benjamin and gable
as they are being called
and they have new music, which is a shame as i fucking loved the american alpha music
not as bad as emma's, though
still p decent, is the difference here
starting off with gable/viktor
aka chad gable reminds you that you love chain wrestling
shelton tags in, let's see how this goes
overhead butterfly suplex, can't for the life of me think who i last saw using that
chad gets thrown out of the ring, ugly landing
cut to ads, chad gets slapped around a bunch
i think the real question here is will your finisher be anywhere near as sweet as grand amplitude
or have an even more randomly-generated name
hot tag to shelton, who is, as it happens, still p good
hits a top rope clothesline into a massive jumping ddt for the pin
the internet assures me it's a leaping reverse sto
notable for being a) basically the same fucking thing, and b) not quite grand amplitude
but yeah, cautiously hype
and later we have new day/usos, with the winner picking the stipulation for their title rematch
so expect weirdness
but next, aj v mystery guest
and here's baron backstage
no reason
renee comes to ask him how he feels about "squandering" his briefcase
baron is pissed about her word choice and cena fucking off to raw
oh yeah, forgot baron was promised a spot in the open challenge
or was he
ambiguous wording is the booker's friend
but first, hurricane harvey appeal with the smackdown roster
including ziggler
you'd think they'd just have the faces on it
and now an advert for total bellas
smackdown continues to have a tenuous relationship with the word 'next'
ok, here we are
they don't want none, which will make this open challenge awkward
they love them some aj styles down in little rock
does his cena-lite intro while reminding us that kevin isn't allowed into the picture
and here's...tye?
you, sir, are no baron corbin
but sure, why not
he's not got his ppv disco vampire coat on, so take that as you will
and here comes a man who very much is baron corbin
scuffle ensues
and baron learns a valuable lesson about turning up to shit on time
aj punches baron in the face, tye gets in the ring, bell is rung
that bell has the power of a god
incredibly fast-paced fight ensues, ending in about two minutes with tye tapping to a calf crusher
seriously, that was like it was on fast forward
baron throws tye into the barricade, takes a phenomenal forearm for his trouble
and throws a tantrum and ringside
baron corbin is very much the male alicia fox
aj just stands there with the belt like what up
and now jinder talks to rusev in the locker room
jinder does a speech about nationalism, rusev's just like stfu, i don't like you but i hate these guys more
let's fuck them up so i can take your belt
but up next, booby rooooooooo
cut back from ads, the kanellises are here
we have been deprived most of their awesome trash music
speaking of whGLORIOUS
bobby comes down in his sparkly dressing gown, starts doing a flair strut
what a twat
love that gregg gets in on it, announcing him as BOBBY ROOOOOOOOoooooooood
best ring announcer in the company right there
wow, mike is wearing some truly eye-bleeding hot pink tights
and wasn't he feuding with sami five seconds ago?
bobby has already said 'glorious' four times
maybe stop it and wrestle
mike deploying his unique fighting style of 'just punch them in the face a lot'
bobby does a top rope blockbuster, because this is apparently a thing he does now
and glorious dt for the pin
that match joins the illustrious roster of ones this episode that have certainly happened
and bobby stands on the corner like look at my weird triceps for a while
but now, kevin is backstage
byron like welp we were meant to have a mach next but guess kevin's coming
cut from ads, and here are aiden english, his pipes, and his john lennon shades
but not for long, as we hit the kevining
aiden's stood there like excuse you peasant
kevin opens by assuring him that nobody in arkansas has the cultural erudition to appreciate him, so he should just go
works surprisingly well
kevin is pissed because of the ref shenanigans last week/in this whole angle
have a long vt of said topic
mostly notable for shane's facial expressions and a+ powerslide
kevin appeals to the legitimacy and logic of the wrestling referee's profession
it's apparently the first anniversary of kevin winning the universal belt
and he's like well this would have never happened on raw why am i on this trash show
criticises shane for shamelessly abusing his own power, i can't argue
oh hey, here's shane to shamelessly abuse his power
and get cheap pops
shane's like hey dude don't blame me for your poor life choices
now please leave my ring we don't want to hear you talk more
and aiden, get back in, your fighting sami
and here he is
kevin's stomped off to take a spiot on announce, so everything is good
immediately picks a fight with byron
sami is taking remarkably little abuse to gather the power to overcome aiden english
we should use that as a metric for power levels
kevin despairs at the poor performance apparently displayed by the ref, so he gets in the ring, steals the man's shirt and declares himself the ref
sure, that's totally how it works
sami stops fighting to be like what the actual fuck is your problem, gets unsurprisingly blindsided
and then powerbombed by kevin
aiden's like sure whatever, goes for the pin
kevin counts at the speed of sound, end match
ooh, aiden's got his solo music back
so drama
kevin gives the ref his shirt back, swags off
up next, that tag match before the tag match
after this ad for jeff hardy having an ic title shot, just in case you'd convinced yourself that was a dream
and now burger king tells us how great sergeant slaughter was
would pribably be even more popular today, which is something of an indictment
and now, renee interviews shane
he's like that match never happened, i'm going after kevin, talk among yourselves
and now dasha interviews dolph
guys, learn what 'next' means
dolph is not in fact unveiling his new thing this week because fuck arkansas
but here, have a standard ziggler-issue rant
proposes he should ride a motorbike to the ring playing a double-neck guitar
hey, i'd watch it
steps to finn's charisma
fuck you, dolph
dolph enigmatically promises something for next week, end thing
and now here are the usos
and a replay of their summerslam match, tom actually makes the mistake of mentioning that it as basically the best match on the show, even though it was on the kickoff
e's pouring cereal over the fans again
seems like it's been a while
xavier's got a kneebrace on, but more conspicuous than that is the massive IT'S SORE sign round his neck
like, it seems like you should notice these things in the opposite order
the last ref was apparently too traumatised to continue, since we've got charles in now
cut to ads, and we come back on jimmy already shitkicking big e because fuck you, tv audience
kofi tags in to do some standard gravity-fucking shit
fuck it, this match is moving far too fast for me to narrate
tbf, that's been true of p much every match tonight
does the smackdown editing staff have even more add than usual
and dirty rollup by jimmy for the pin
end thing, apparently
dasha tries to introduce carmella for an interview, ellsworth's like um no and does it himself
asks her her plans, she's like nope i am never telling you secrets again
throwaway line about ellsworth stealing flowers from a funeral hiome
nattie turns up, promises to make carmella the baron corbin of the women's division
makes a match for next week, ellsworth like oh cool next week, well in that case shutting up
and then naomi turns up to announce a title rematch in a fortnight
fuck, this is moving fast
and up next, fashion files season 2 begins
breather while this myc advert happens
but actually now, lana is here?
what the fuck is going on with this episode
she's here to do a dodgy hyperbolic intro for tamina
greeted by little rock with a resounding piss break
oh, and here's a jobber
tina stock, we hardly knew ye
lana's doing the manager barking orders thing, but with a mic so none of us can avoid it
tells tamina to crush, this was apparently some kind of trigger word, because she goes berserk
and one superkick later, end match
with loads of super ugly bumps packed into its 90 seconds
and lana's got her girl some paparazzi
well this is weird
also, tamina, that cravate throw is totally nia's thing, get your own
and now, fashion files
and its early 90s credits
still not starring chuck norris
fashion files: back 2 basics
dango's stacking boxes with all their shows in
tyler proposes a vacation together, dango's like nope
tyler unveils the new gadgets from the lab
including some headphones, a blacklight, friendship bracelets, and a belt
this is really cute
tyler kills the lights so he can play with the blacklight
finds a circle of arrows on their old files, gets stuck for a while
and then a hidden message
Two B Or Not Two B
which variously leads them to shinsuke, aiden english, and bob ross
they roll out, dango puts a second pair of sunglasses on and clips another to his shirt
but up next, the main event
but of course, we have some ads before that, because otherwise you wouldn't recognise smackdown
including the raw version of the hurricane appeal, for some reason
someone's getting fired
and an ad for 205 live, with a disembodied voice doing it instead of a semi-bothered wrestler for once
back from ads, and we've missed most of shinsuke's entrance
this will not stand
but to be fair, we've also missed all of the heels'
randy gets a full intro though
were they just ranked in terms of how close to arkansas their home town is?
barely gets in the ring before brawling breaks out
given every other segment in this show, i expect the main event to last about 2.6 minutes
and they start the match during yet another break
seriously, smackdown does not give a shit for you, tv viewer
and by 'you' i very much mean 'me'
but clearly we needed to see this long-ass headlock
this match is actually moving at a speed i can narrate, but i also don't give a shit
randy spinebusters jinder on the barricade, gets massive pops because douchebag face v foreigner
the singhs interfere because randy and jinder only have one match, and they want rusev and shinsuke to get out of the way so they can do it
byron claims rusev had a statue of himself built in his hometown
huge if true
jbl responds by casually claiming to have had a bunch of statues made of himself
horrifying if true
jinder tags in to switch his long-ass headlock for a long-ass hammerlock
got to keep your moveset diverse
shinsuke gets a hot tag off jinder basically deciding to break his own shoulder on the post
the match turns into just shinsuke/rusev, which it should really stay
so much more promise there
naturally, jinder reappears as i type that
randy takes him out with the draping ddt, kinshasa to rusev for the win
i was exaggerating before, but not by much
that match was officially short as fuck
awkward randy/shinsuke faceoff ensues
they both grin, respect is given, aaaaand rko because randy is fundamentally a tool
crowd are not sure how to take this
love american man but also love charisma for miles, what do
well, that episode...certainly happened
from a raw highlighted by a contract signing to a smackdown featuring tyler breeze accidentally hypnotising himself
what a time to be alive
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Text
WWEm - A Facekick Says a Thousand Words
Welcome back to WWEm. Just to remind you, this is my daughter Emma (hence the amazing pun in the title) watching WWE matches and commenting on them. At length. With swear words. You can also catch her on Twitter as @Waruce, although this is usually during a PPV.
Transmission dates: 21/22 August 2017
Guess who's back
back again
daniel's back
(also em)
yeah, i've been sitting on that intro for a while
but yes, i am returned from the abyss of doing other things
so it feels like a good time for some MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!
(i said i was caught up, not punctual)
so yeah, this is summerslam go-home week
if you didn't watch summerslam, it was p good
and none of this will make sense to you
opening with paul and brock, just to remind us all that bouncy mcdickchest is still champion
except you can't see the dickchestiness because he's wearing an ugly merch vest
and trousers, which looks really weird on brock
the man should not wear human clothes
while he bounces in the ring, enjoy this slideshow from sunday
including braun killing brock with all tables available, which was fucking hilarious
but hey, at least roman got pinned
audience response to brock is mixed, but everyone loves a suplex city chant
paul begins to talk, we all drown in smug
it always makes me laugh when paul insists on "undisputed", when every fucker's challenging for it
and he wants us to see a ppv match as some kind of assault orchestrated by a shadowy conspiracy
if the best shadowy machination you can come up with is to give someone a marquee match at the second biggest ppv of the year, you need your shadowy conspiracy card revoked
paul is somehow managing to spin brock as some kind of heroic underdog
i like my underdogs STANDING THE FUCK STILL
paul mentions the fact that brock pinned roman, biggest pop yet
we can all unite under the banner of 'fuck that guy'
paul mentions ufc, enjoy that legal action
at least paul manages to get through his spiel before BRAAAAAAAAAAAAUN
he's a sadistci giant, but at least he's polite
and the crowd love him even more than brock
goes for a chokeslam, then just kicks him in the face and powerslams him instead
a facekick says a thousand words
entire wwe universe put on notice, take a really big shot
by which i mean like a box of wine
and now this tangent has made me imagine a wine bong
ew
braun dramatically lifts the belt, but stomps off without it
still so respectful
brock lies in the ring, swears directly into the camera
keep it classy, dude
up next, enzo/cass in a street fight
after this myc advert
ooh, the first episodes should be out today
gonna watch the shit out of that
also before we do anything, have a mania-style slideshow with a fuck-off huge black bar at the bottom for whatever reason
slideshow of summerslam, to clarify
not just vince's holiday pics
aaaaaaaand i'm back to ew
image of the day: vince mcmahon bonging a box of wine
and now we get an announce team recap of brock/braun from five fucking minutes ago
finally on to the next segment, here's cass
and i still dislike that they changed his music again
this is super generic
i liked the weird-ass electronica he had going on before
why the fuck did i say electronica there?
industrial
i am so on form
and now this slideshow reminds me that enzo taking his clothes off and buttering himself out of a shark cage wasn't some kind of fever dream
the fuck was that match about
and here comes enzo
does his intro, cass stands in the ring smirking like the fuck is up with this guy
enzo starts a diss track on cass having an education, for some reason
by contrast, enzo claims he grauduated "magnum come larder" from the school of hard knocks
here comes the bit where enzo waxes lyrical about their youth together
daniel, cue the soft-focus flashback
enzo says this is where the story ends, which is good because it can't go to much more
enzo leaves, then returns with a shopping trolley full of random objects
cass comes up the ramp as enzo ineffectually throws things at him, ref goes fuck it and rings the bell
enzo tries to kendo stick cass, gets the shit beaten out of him in return
yeah, like i say, we don't need more on this angle of 'cass beats small man into paté'
back in the ring, cass gives enzo a chair like he's bray wyatt or something
enzo gets up, kick to the face
coming back from the break, enzo is still dying on the floor
important ad break recaps of enzo getting beaten to shit
enzo crawls for the chair, cass kicks him to death, repeat
asshole chants predominate
corey drops a martin shkreli reference, cos that's just how he rolls
enzo bullfights cass out of the ring, because we need some kind of futile hope spot
dramatic crawl to the chair, just as he gets it cass stomps on it with his hand in
that spot was cool when cedric alexander did it
cass is, however, selling a leg injury from the spill to the outside enormously hard
calls for a medic, ref throws the x as enzo flails with the chair as the ref gives zero fucks
slomo replay of him hitting the outside
nasty bump, but that injury feels really worked
enzo dances with a fan, end thing
later tonight, sasha turns up
and here's a slideshow of people tweeting about her
but now here's emma, who's pissed about sasha being alive and her not getting the title shot
berating dana for everything being her fault
starts badmouthing nia, who is of course right behind her
they've got a match next
nia is unimpressed
but first, an ad for tomorrow night's smackdown in the aftermath of shane being laughably unqualified to be a ref
but now, here's nia
she's not like most internalised misogyny
nia really needs to work out what ring poses she's going for in her entrance and commit
seems super halfhearted
but here's emma, so i'm happy with the music
tbh, i love both of these
emma starts on the offence, nia is just like what are you trying to achieve
corey calls booker out on saying things that don't make sense, distracting the announce team from calling nia pinning emma
well that happened
up next, elias [SURNAME]
which cole is unreasonably excited about
and here he strums
why did he fucking lose his last name and nickname at the same time
now his intro just has his one-word name three times
apparently he stared into the eclipse and now can see everything so incredibly clearly
is elias samson a superhero
says he has a song about r-truth, starts doing an acoustic version of his rap before giving up and doing his trademark country-styled smack talk
berates the crowd for clapping along
he clearly has so much fun with this role
and here's truth
great
real top of the card angle right here
cole berates booker for not using his mic correctly
seriously, announce crosstalk seems to be the flavour of the night
almost talk over the pin again
quick win for elias
cole loves elias, booker likes truth, corey's just like fuck both these assholes
christ, i forgot the shie were tag champs
up next, kurt angle has yet another announcement for us
some of these slideshow shots are p great
credit to the staff photographers
but here comes an olympic hero, luxuriating in thousands of people lovingly telling him he sucks
apparently he has a surprise for us
on "the monday night raw"
oh, it's just cena
that could be more surprising tbh
with the whole free agent thing, i'm waiting for him to turn up on nxt
and have sanity eat his heart
booker calls him a prime time player
i feel titus worldwide might have something to say about this
cena commences to work the crowd like a champ
is there such a thing as crowdworkrate?
this is the most disorganised crowd
can't even lining up duelling cena chants
he calls the crowd out on booing at super illogical places
apparently he's here to get face to face with a certaint [sic] wwe superstar
here comes roman
i want cena to just be like no, i mean brock
fuck off, dude
cole claims it's deafening in the barclays, the crowd are clearly quiet as fuck
half of them clearly can't be bothered to even boo roman
i seriously want there to be a FUCK THAT GUY chant
you both suck chant begins
close enough
aww, roman is who cena wanted
dang
roman commences super lame smack talk
in which he tries to intimidate john fucking cena
cena stands there like do you know who i am
according to the audience, he's the undertaker
get on topic, crowd
cena loses the shirt, faces off, and...here's the miz
has bo stolen ariya daivari's gold jacket
signs point to yes
miz calls the venue "the barsgays"
cena stops him, corrects him, says "Marbles out of mouth, speak. Continue."
i have to pause the show to giggle
i love modern self-aware cena
but seriously, can nobody speak english today
miz commences to run sarcastic hype for this angle
like seriously, do these two need more exposure
says barclays every other sentence to make a point
miz is suddenly the face of the universe
easiest face heat ever, cutting on these two
oh, and here comes miz being angry about having the shittest timeslot at summerslam
really needed addressing
miz unites the crowd in saying fuck cena, he's like welp guess i'll go
miz stops him so he can shout at him for turning his segments into a joke
and now shout at the crowd for being fickle bastards
every time miz mentions his title, bo is standing behind him just pointedly pointing at the belt
and back to miz ranting about the respect he doesn't get
you deserve it chants fill the room
cena's like welp the people have spoken let's do the main event
miz/minion v cena/roman
roman's like um what
miz is like this is not how me getting a moment works
but now, here comes the WOMP
and also its earthly herald, samoa joe
time for some incredibly well-spoken smack
joe's like i support this idea in theory, but i'll be miz's partner because i hate both these tools
talks to roman, predominating chant is you're his bitch
brooklyn keeping it creative
goes to talk to cena, just punches him in the face instead
cue 6-man brawl
in which joe goes for a coquina clutch on cena and roman punches him off
and then long awkward faceoff between cena and roman as the miztourage slink away and joe rants backwards up the ramp
you both suck chants still very much a thing
but now, adverts for sasha, seth and dean all being here tonight
good to know
exterior shot of the barsgays
shockingly, kurt has approved that tag match
and we come back from the break into an 8-man cruiserweight tag, because fuck giving that division room to breathe
dar/nese/gulak/daivari v ali/alexander/swann/metalik
i do love metalik's slingshot arm drag thing
and ali's...well, everything
daivari goes for a hot tag to noam, he's just like nah you're alright mate
so tony nese comes in instead to play the ab counting game
the crowd are far more interested in their mexican wave than this match
fuck you, brooklyn
cole references tony nese's 12-pack, because apparently he slept through the counting game
thank you, corey
and lumbar check to nese for the pin
good match, but clearly nobody in brooklyn gave a shit
still a great finisher
i love that the replays don't have to fuck with the video speed, because it is as brutal as it looks
but now, here's charly with neville
who has regained the ability to focus on objects now he's got his shiny belt back
oh, but not while he's talking
some good middle-distance work there
calls tozawa a pathetic japanese punk and titus a flesh-eating parasite
seems a little over
starts telling us that there's a word for people like that where he comes from, tails off before he can tell us what it is
the suspense
titus and tozawa turn up, challenge for a rematch, leave
up next, the shie
after this slideshow
and this scene of kurt and his son
jj wants a match
with more than a dozen people watching this time
he wants finn
i approve, kurt does under suffrance
but now, the tag champs
they enter separately, no shield entrance yet
BURN IT DOWWWWWWWWN is very over
so are these guys in general
they're getting very philosophical about their reunion and the nature of friendship and belief
and seth invites all of brooklyn to a party
that seems impractical
they call out a challenger, brooklyn starts the delete chant even before the music drops
nobody loves this music more than jeff
matt kicks off with a creepy goat laugh
as you do
they congratulate seth and dean, do enough broken stuff to stay the most over people in the ring
they challenge for a match, seth is just like wow we're huge fans
matt's accent is slowly slipping back
they call for a ref, this is apparently a thing
so of course, this is where we break for a smackdown advert
and we come back as the bell rings
cole takes four tries to say the word 'seriousness’
professional
shot of the kkb watching this match in their massive army jackets
guys, you're not actually in this match, you could maybe wear real clothes and sit the hell down
seth and dean do a baseball slide/frog splash combo like fuck you street profits
matt does a dropkick through the ropes with no exit strategy, briefly tangles himself in them
some hot tags later, we've got matt and dean matching each other shamble for shamble
matt throws dean and seth out of the ring, tags jeff for poetry in motion over the ropes
dean pulls seth out of the way of a whisper in the wind, jeff has the ugliest landing
dean gets jeff in a weird leg trap anaconda vice thing, because that's apparently a move he does
and now just starts repeatedly throwing seth at jeff
shockingly, the third one ends poorly
jeff 'lands' a whisper in the wind, mostly just kills himself
matt does the turnbuckle mash/bulldog thing, even corey makes a broken reference
blind tag lets seth and dean do a really nice spinebuster/sling blade combo for a nearfall
throw both hardyz out of the ring, then suicide dive them both, because apparently jeff's jumpoffallthethingsitis is contagious
matt spinebusts seth on the apron, outsmarts dean by having ever watched one of his matches
at least until dean crotches him on the top rope
goes for dirty deeds off the top rope, the announce team get too excited
blind tag lets the hardyz set up for a swanton
dean gets the knees up, which seems dangerous as fuck
and kingslayer into dirty deeds for the pin
pan out to the kkb like how the fuck did they do that what's the deal with these shitweasels
and now let's have another recap of brock from earlier
because we needed to see him again
what am i saying, we get to see braun kill him again
makes me giggle
oh, first confirmed match for no mercy
brock/braun for the title
shock
actually, i think the first match was that advert vs all our minds
but now, we're backstage with the miztourage and samoa joe with a towel on his head
miz congratulates joe on joining the miztourage
joe is not impressed
shuts miz up, establishes a very loud game plan
tells miz to "do...that annoying unorthodox thing you do in the ring"
hey, anyone want an ad for season 2 of total bellas
well, you're getting it anyway
wait, you can't see this
it's just me being subjected to it
dang
another myc advert
so hype
but now we have sasha
as promised, she is indeed in this ring
well, she's in the building
god, i'd forgotten her dilophosaurus coat from summerslam
was not the best look
thankfully, she's back to real clothes
gets ambivalent cheers for being from boston but somehow having become a brooklyn homegirl
does a brief tribute to ric
i'm amazed it took us until the thrid hour of the show to get one
weird glitch in the video where sasha briefly turned into finn bálor and jason jordan
unconventional angle
but now we're back, and here's alexa to interrupt
and be smug despite having lost
cool jacket though
calls sasha out on the fact that she has never been able to defend the belt
sasha wants her to do her rematch now
seems unlikely
oh hey, she said no
because brooklyn don't deserve it
but we're having it next week
wherever we are next week should be grateful
oh, memphis
apparently they deserve it
i'd love to see alexa's criteria
but now, here comes jason
to a very slight remix of his shitty music
new tron, but that was hardly the problem
this version sounds like it was played on actual instruments
slideshow time again
reminding us all how awesome shinsuke's violinist is
but now, here's finn
back in human form
not that i'm complaining
does the arms
bell rings, commence some of the fastest chain wrestling you've ever seen
apart from you, dude who watches njpw matches at double speed on youtube
i see you
jason goes for the handshake, finn kicks him in the gut
makes sense, tbf
this crowd is so fucking cold for like the last hour and a half
what's up, brooklyn
did you all come to takeover and summerslam and now you need sleep
i like to think that people just live in their seats in the barsgays for four days
jj has turned serious thanks to finn's ungentlemanly conduct
gets finn in his butterfly lock for a while, which as always looks like he's really obviously not pulling as hard as he can cos he could probably dislocate someone's shoulders quite easily if he wanted to
finn appeals to his club peeps, uses their power to kick a dude in the head a bunch
p sure i've seen that anime
are the crowd doing a fucking beachball chant again
someone get cesaro
and also a new audience
straps come down, finn does a really nice powerslam counter, gets punched in the head, pele kick to down both of them
so jj just picks finn up and starts running him into all the corners
slingblade into a really ugly corner dropkick
people need to stop standing so far from the corner
and coup de grace for the pin, because while we might be pushing jj, it's not to the extent where he can actually get a win
but next, main event time
after this trailer for birth of the dragon
which i hear is racially tone-deaf as fuck
i mean, i have no more information than that, but it's a wwe production, so i kind of assume it's racist unless i hear otherwise
and yet another smackdown ad
and one for the women's title match next week and the cruiserweight title match on 205
but after allllllll that, here's the miz
and this brooklyn crowd, like so many crowds, has no idea of the timing to miz's intro
apparently miz caused chris pratt and anna faris to break up
huge if true
and enter 120% of your daily WOMP
and a cena
corey's excited because apparently he's never called a cena match before
doesn't seem like such an achievement
the announce team finally tell ric to get well
boos erupt even before roman's entrance starts
oh, so now you wake up
match starts in the advert break, cos eh
it's not like this match is going to be particularly scintillating
cena is actually shouting at the crowd about the beachball
gets asshole chants, corey shouts "Lazarus is risen from the dead!"
sure, why not
it's one of those episodes
oh, and now we're doing the wave again
announce team like lol, fans are having fun
but they're also not watching the fucking match
cena keeps getting distracted playing with the crowd
miz gets the opportunity for a finale, cena sells it as well as he does anything
joe tags in to just punch john in the face a bunch
miz gets a nearfall off the fluffiest top rope axe handle you've ever seen
and crotches himself when cena dodges a bronco buster
does miz even usually do bronco busters?
or was that just added for the comedy crotch pain spot
(i'm going for the latter)
roman goes for a superman punch, joe counters into an uranage because roman runs at approximatel 0.003 mph
miz gets roman out of the ring, distracts the ref as bo punches him
if you're getting taken out by a clothesline by bo dallas, you should maybe reconsider your career choices
joe gets roman in a trap claw that's less a rest hold than a hiatus hold
i lookd away for a second, so apparently joe has magically transformed into miz
cena hot tags in, does his five moves
so joe just stands in the way of the 5ks setup
roman tries to intervene, accidentally superman punches cena
and this is how friendship ends
acquaintanceship, at least
miz spends forever setting up for a finale on cena, cena just refuses and hits an aa for a win
because, as ever
cena celebrates, he and roman regard each other with no small amount of disharmony
apparently roman apologised
i didn't see it
and we fade on those two bro-ing in the ring
but hey, seeing as i'm actually here for the first time in a while, why not keep rolling a MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!?
daniel has just held up a sign in response to that
it just says BECAUSE BEARS.
...
well, i'm going to take that risk
he's flipped the sign, and the other side says BEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARS.
i really need to have a talk with my staff sometime
and also maybe bearproof the office
ah well
problems for future em right there
for now, roll the tape
opening with a flashback of tozawa/neville, for some reason
neither of these are on this show
i am confuse
well there's your problem
that was actually the next episode of 205 live
excuse our slight technical problems
daaaaaaanieeeeeeeeel
right, take 2
oh hey, it's opening on a recap of summerslam stuff from smackdown
funny how that works
currently aj/kevin
and now we're live
and they don't want none
still in the barsgays, for the record
hopefully this crowd is better
so yeah, here's the us belt and ts lovely hair
also a human attached to these things
jbl approves of shane's refereeing, so you know it was bad
apparently aj built the barsgays
funny how often that happens
aj's bringing back the us open challenge
stating. right. NOW.
so here's kevin
i can't help but feel this booking misses the point of an open challenge a bit
aj's just like nope we did this already fuck off
kevin refuses to believe aj beat him at slam
claiming it's some kind of twenty years later brooklyn screwjob
here comes the money to offer a counterargument
and also the man carrying it
i like to think his gear always has a few bucks in it just so his music is true
shane like hmm, i could address this situation between my employees or i could spend some time going for cheap pops first
(spoiler: it's the latter again)
shockingly, shane's angle is that he did it fine
kevin touches on the fact that shane had a helicopter crash and jumps off buildings but got taken out by the edge of a 450
but his real grievance is that shane counted 3 before calling off the pin
he has video and everything
pointing out the fact that referees fuck up counts all the time but it still counts
it's cute how we're trying to bring logic into wrestling
shane disagrees, kevin immediately gets all up in his face
he's just turning into some kind of conspiracy nut
aj's like shut up you twat, let's have a match
shane's like this sounds like a terrible idea, but eh, fuck it
kevin wants to pick his own referee for the match
shane disapproves, but aj doesn't give a shit, so we're doing that
but it's kevin's last shot at the belt while aj has it
this angle has been pretty great, but i'm all about going out on top
but now, here's bryan on the phone
alluding to a couple big surprises
suspensssssse
here come the singhs to announce their emeperor
and jinder's here to be like thanks for inviting me daniel i accept your worship
bryan's like um no
instead, he's giving shinsuke a match against the singhs to get some revenge
and immediately end segment
bit weird
later, we have becky/naomi v carmella/nattie
but first, watch our bruce lee film
and this slideshow of summerslam
they are trying so hard to make it mania part 2
but now, backstage, kevin has approached sami, of all people
like sure i've been the worst friend possible, but i can trust you to be my ref, right?
sami responds by plugging his dvd
kevin's like i know you're free because you do fuck-all on this show, so help a brother out?
walks off as sami's like wtf just happened
back in the ring, aiden english calls for his spotlight and treats us to them pipes
lights cut halfway through 'drama king', and enter a very familiar e-flat chord
and the beautifully-robed man who comes with it
so yes, bobby roode is on smackdown now, and this is like the one thing i had spoiled
but to be fair, it's not like there was much left for him to do in nxt
and this should be good if they make it a feud
maximum theatricality
the brooklyn crowd are so down with it
roode does the glorious arms, aiden protests, gets punched out of the ring
one advert break later, this is turning out to be a decent match
jbl makes a beer money reference, call the lawyers
who am i kidding, anthem's lawyers are all busy with the matt hardy situation
aiden pulls out all his signature moves, bobby doesn't give a cumulative shit
and glorious ddt for the pin
and here's renee for a post-match interview thing
bobby immediately nearly punches her in the face
and opens by congratulating shane and bryan for hiring him
and basically catches the casuals up on what a tool he is
and they play glorious domination again because everyone loves that track
and now for more slideshows
including one they got from somebody's phone
class
and now, chad's in with bryan
and he's like hey i've got you a new tag team partner
and it's shelton benjamin
so, yknow, basically the same partner
and chad starts doing his old-school clingy enthusiasm thing
and now we're backstage
kevin gives sami a ref shirt, and he's like well i thought it over and i came to the realisation that i hate you go die in a fire
d'awwwwww
but now, here are the hype bros
fighting the usos, apparently
and here they are with their new belts
and their intro music, which i swear is gaining more rap every week
recap of their match on sunday, which was fucking great
best match on the show by miles, despite not technically being on the show
match starts, mojo surprisingly thinks the usos ain't hype
mojo dodges a stinger splash, lets jimmy just smash his own face into the corner
hot tag to zack, bringing some technique to match the enthusiasm
the moment the usos leave the ring, mojo barrels out of fucking nowhere to take one out
but jimmy still superkicks zack for the pin
and now he has some things to say
and jey has a speech about paranoia
is this entire gimmick based around minority-targeted prison violence?
(sources say yes)
but now shinsuke's walking around backstage, doing his octopus arms anyway because why the fuck not i'm shinsuke nakamura
SLIDESHOW TIME
and here he is
sadly, no live violin
which i'm now reading like 'living violin'
and imagining he has some kind of animated violin following him around to do his music
maybe it's true
maybe the legendary violinist is just a projection, and the violin itself is the true life form
why yes, i have been watching a lot of steven universe
what of it
but now, here are the singhs, who've brought their boss to introduce, presumably because they wouldn't have their own entrance otherwise
but hey, i love jinder's music, so i'm not complaining
while he comes in, have this slideshow of his match with shinsuke on sunday
commence match
which apparently will have both singhs in the ring at the same time
thanks for establishing these rules 15 seconds after the bell rings
and they're not even in ring gear
so what the fuck
shinsuke does good vibrations to both of them at once, makes even less sense than it usually does
likewise his knees to the corner
they get some brief offence off jinder distracting him
doesn't last
rolls one of them into the triangle, he taps before it's even in properly
jinder blindsides him after the bell, shinsuke doesn't give a shit and kinshasas him into a coma
and we return to the saga of kevin nomates
getting pulled over by the fashion police
they want to be his refs even though they're off duty
so they can "make damn sexy zebras"
kevin's like wtf fuck off
baron turns up, offers to do the job in return for having the first title shot if he wins
hope that shirt's an extra large
but up next, the women's match
after the myc ad again
so yeah, here's nattie
who i had completely forgotten was champion
and as a special reward, she gets to wear a jacket
fringed epaulettes and everything
i kind of approve
she will be a relatively-benevolent dictator
she's not disabusing me of this image with this speech
promising to return honour (cos she's canadian) and dignity to the division
and here are carmellsworth
james like grats nattie you finally won a thing after the age of the universe
and carmella's here to be like hey i have a suitcase just sayin
carmella's also got a nice new jacket, but she's also changed to a singlet and it looks super 80s and not great
ellsworth like hey can you even trust carmella she might just not tag in and let you get beaten up so she can cash in on you
carmella's like shut uppppppp you moron
but here's becky
no new jacket there, but i love her existing one, so yeah
and naomi in her awesome led fur coat
it's basically too hot for clothes here rn, but i would still wear that 24/7
match starts, i am just distracted by how much carmella looks like she's come in off the set of season 2 of GLOW
carmella taunts naomi a bit, then just tags nattie in
funny how that works
nattie beats on becky for a while, then goes for the tag as carmella 'slips' off the apron
and just lurks outside like go on nattie you got this you're awesome
naomi manages to tag in off carmella dicking around, nearly gets nattie to tap
nattie tags carmella in while she's distracted by her best guy, she then takes a bexploder and a split moonsault for the pin
oh no, our dastardly plan failed because we just generally kind of sucked
the graphic for the main event looks really dumb, cos they've clearly just photoshopped a ref shirt onto an existing graphic of baron
while they were booking this show, could they not have spared five minutes to give him a shirt and get a picture
anyway
here's dasha
reintroducing us to the long-absent dolph ziggler
who's like thanks it's great to be back here reintroducing myself to the fans in this crappy backstage interview thanks a lot
and goes on a tirade about how it's all about the gimmicks these days and he finally understands what it takes to be a wwe star
but now, lana continues to disappoint tamina
she's set up a route to the title starting next week
tamina's like fucking hell what about this week
lana avoids just saying yeah, they've already had one women's match today
instead leads her in a guided meditation on rage and resentment
during which her accent spans basically the entire northern hemisphere
now backstage with aj
and here comes baron in his ref vest
just to tell aj about the deal
aj's lik well, if i win there'll be an open challenge every week, so shrug
so that match is now
here comes ref!baron, with his new intro that i still don't quite get
it's like he's joining the ascension
which, on reflection, would be pretty great
king of trios 2018 confirmed
and yeah, here's kevin
and once again, they continue not to want none
aj hands baron the belt to do the ref thing, i'm honestly surprised he didn't run off with it
bell rings, kevin immediately leaves the ring
aj complains to the ref, who's like whatever man i don't give a fuck
i kind of love the fact that baron's wearing the ref vest as well as his wasteland bondage tights
i can't express in text how dumb he looks
pause for advert for next week's raw
and by 'next week', i do of course mean tonight
but hey, this blog has always had a somewhat spongey relationship with time
speaking of time and sponginess, this match is so fucking slow
like, there've been a couple of good spots, but they generally both look like they're still not over sunday
naturally, aj speeds up significantly as i type that
or maybe the video glitched
who can say
ushigoroshi into a phenomenal forearm for a nearfall, baron just kind of looks at it like yeah i should probably count whatever
instead, aj cranks in the deepest calf crusher i've seen
looks genuinely nasty
baron claims kevin touched the bottom rope (he didn't), so kevin throws aj at him, causing some i'm-the-fucking-ref power trip shenanigans and general fronting
and here comes shane to shout at his terrible refereeing while aj and kevin have taken each other out
kevin punches aj in the dick while they argue, goes for a pin, baron starts counting put gets pulled out of the ring by shane
one inter-official argument later, baron gives shane the vest and storms off
shane's wearing it over a tshirt, and it's still like four sizes too big
kevin's like wtf there is actually a conspiracy
and one phenomenal forearm later, kevin's out of the us title picture
during the highlights, kevin staggers up the ring with a blank stare like aj flayed his dog
and we fade on aj with his belt
ok, that was a pretty solid episode all round, narrative-wise
and the gas pervading the barsgays that stopped people being able to talk coherent english appeared to have dissipated a bit
so yeah, the bloggening has resumed
entirely possible it'll go on another hiatus in a month or two, but hey
if you have any complaints about this issue, please direct them to
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