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issabeauty1-blog · 5 years

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Love Untraditional

IT was a few days before Thanksgiving 2018. This would have made 2 maybe 3 Thanksgivings that I spent as a single female. Not that the prior 7-8 years was any different, but my heart was healing from an unexpected breakup. Let me explain. Nathan was supposed to had been my everything. I mean, he was an amazing man. He gave me everything I thought that I needed. I felt protected (and we all want to feel protected). He stood about 6 feet 5 inches, dark chocolate complexion. Although he was lacking in certain anatomy of his body and looks, he made up for it in his intelligence. He showed me things that I had never seen before and always made me feel secure about my extra rolls. He encouraged me and wasn’t afraid of my strong demeanor. If I could say one thing that I least liked about him it would be his non-emotional disposition. I hated that! He was extremely egotistical and cocky on top of that. I guess I partial to blame when I bragged about how good he was in bed. Things began to change when he had to relocate for work. His career was always very important to him. I give him that, he was a hard worker and good at what he did. Although his job bounced him around from state to state, we always managed to see each other once a month….at least. Then the visits started to become far in between. And when we did see each other, if we weren’t having a petty disagreement, we were humping like rabbits. And it didn’t help much that his Caribbean background caused for lots and lots of alcohol. And of course alcohol sometimes leads to things we aren’t so proud of like exploring weird, in the closet desires. And then BOOM, after his mom passed he hit me with the ultimate betrayal. He told me that he had been seeing other women the whole time we’ve been dating! The whole damn time. Now at this time of confession, we were kinda sorta broken up. I just took a quick flight to see him because his mom had passed. He continued on about how much he still loved me but was currently in a relationship. That he had told her all about me and that she was okay with us still being together. This nigga must have been on dog food. Needless to say, I declined his offer. And although I declined his offer, somehow I just couldn’t let go. I did all sorts of foolish things that we as women sometimes do. I stalked his social media, I tried to make myself present places that I knew he would be. I made idol threats just to start an unavoidable argument. I called him from several burner numbers just to hear his voice or maybe I was just hoping to catch him at a weak moment. But the weaker I got, the stronger he got and the quicker he got over me. So finally, I allowed myself to be heart broken for the first time in my life. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to admit that this man had hurt me deeply. And instead of being revengeful and plotting on how I was going to hurt his ass back, I just spent several days crying. And before I knew it, I was over him and I was over being in love!

So time went on and I felt it was time for me to start dating or fucking again…However you look at it. I started reaching out to those fuckboys who I knew wanted to be with me at any cost. But when the time came, I backed out. I do value my goods. After being so disappointed by the men I seem to attract, I started to believe it was me. That God had forgotten about me in the romance department. I felt myself being desperate and joining online dating sites just to get attention. Tinder was the most accessible, since it was free and everybody was swiping right. I found myself always swiping right but never finding Mr. Right. I met this one man who I had been chatting with for over 2 months. A nice looking guy from Philly with a calming voice and an average personality. He was nice to talk on a daily basis. He would send me pictures everyday. As I waited patiently, he finally sent me the infamous dick pic. And it was impressive. So I finally decided its time to meet. When I finally got the courage to meet with him, we decided to have our first date at the movies. We met outside the theatre and I call myself gonna sneak up and surprise him. But he had the surprise. From a distance he looked just like his pictures. He was dressed nice and casual. Low hair cut with deep waves. This man turned around and gave me the biggest smile. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YIUR TEETH??? All I saw was pure darkness!! How could he think that it was appropriate to meet me for the first time with no fucking teeth! Like bruh… I didn’t know if I should run, scream or kick his ass for wasting my time! So he asks for a hug and I give him a church hug with a gentle pat on the back. I didn’t want to get too close to feel any sort of bulge. We go inside the theatre and I immediately ask for several drinks. He ask me if I was nervous and I replied no, but I was thinking I just want to drink until my vision was blurred, lol. After the movie we went to dinner. He asks where did I want to eat and I’m looking for the most expensive restaurant in Boca Raton. But since it was so late, we ended up going to Juniors. He orders a burger, fries and onion rings. When they brought our food it was enormous and I’m sitting there waiting to see how he’s gonna eat with no teeth. And he had the nerve to ask the waitress for some pickles…Lol. She gave him pickle spears and he began sucking out the soft center. GROSS!! He has been fumbling with his food for about 30 minutes and yet to take a bite. I know he’s hungry so I excuse myself and head to the bathroom so he can scarf down his food. Hope he don’t choke I remember thinking. Before he could pay the bill my Uber was pulling up. Needless to say I didn’t see nor speak with him again.

After being shamed by my sons, my grandma and friends I vowed not go on any online dating sites again. And for the many months to follow, I keep a fresh pack of batteries. It’s now the holiday day season and a lot has changed. I’m a new grandma, new job and a new look on life. I remember cooking the day before Thanksgiving. I had just finished my first bottle of Moscato and the holiday blues is starting to set in. I grabbed my phone to text Nathan but stopped myself. Good girl!! But instead, I refreshed my Tinder page. After a few swipes right, I came across a match with BG. Now BG profile really caught my attention. He was from NY and grew up in Baltimore. He was a single dad and owned his own business. So we began to chat. We chatted all that night and even Thanksgiving day. For some strange reason, I really wanted to meet this guy before wasting my time. And he wanted to see me also. So we agreed to meet after dinner at my community pool house. I freshened my braids, threw on a cute t-shirt and some shorts. I walked across the parking lot to meet him. He pulled up in a bumble bee. It was clean and he looked nice driving it. He parked and I got in. His pictures didn’t do him justice. It was no coincidence that I was strongly attracted to him and him to me. We sat in his car and talked for hours. It was like we knew each other before. After that night, he immediately text me asking for a real date and I quickly accepted. He picked me up the next day and we headed to the beach. Sounds nice enough until he mentioned it was a “clothing optional” beach. Upon arriving to the beach, all I could see was wrinkled old nuts and tits. It was people from all walks of life. I couldn’t believe he would take me here on a first date. We set up the chairs, the tent and undressed to our swim attire. He went to the water as I stayed behind since I can’t swim. After awhile he encouraged me to get in the water. It was fun I must admit. He held me tight promising not to let me fall. After swimming we headed back to the tent. He dusted the sand off my body. The tent was big enough for us both to fit inside comfortably, so we laid down. He spread the blankets down. I started to complain that my skin was dry after getting out the water and he had baby oil…OF COURSE HE DID. He asked me real gentleman like if he could give me a massage! And ladies we all knows what comes next after he plays the massage card. I changed my Pandora station from Maxwell to R. Kelly because I knew this was gonna be good. His hands were so strong and warm against my trembling skin. Mind you, it has been close to two years since I’ve let a man get this close to me. I laid on my stomach and he had definitely done this before, probably a few times that week alone. He rubbed me slowly yet deep enough so it seemed like a massage. But it was more than that. It was erotic and sinful and I loved it. He worked his skillful hands to my hips. He asked me to spread my legs so he could oil my inner thighs, I obliged. I was so nervous yet so turned on at the same time. I closed my eyes tighter and tighter as he explored my body. I give it to him, he played it very safe…looking for any signs of him crossing the line. But I gave him an all access pass. He then started to gently tug at the strings that held my bikini bottom together. At this point, it was no turning back. Not that I wanted to. I assisted him in untying my bikini. His hands quickly found them back between my thighs. He seductively found himself rubbing the outside of my pulsating vagina. He then took what must have been his middle long finger and with an unexpected thrust, it slide inside my pussy full of juices. It must have felt just as good to him as it did to me because I felt his body moan. I then felt something warm dripping on my leg. And just like that, this man had ended my two year draught.

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moon-dust-lust · 5 years

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I write bad stand up comedy so thanks

So nice of everyone to come tonight, on a good day I have no more than four people that look at me at one time, so this is definitely making me severely uncomfortable. I'm only 20 years old which means just like every other 20 year old I cry in the shower and use tinder. I at first thought of tinder as a great way to pick up prey as a serial killer. I watched criminal minds a kid and I watch FOX news so every predator showcased on those forums are white dudes. I am also from eugene oregon so pretty much all of tinder looks like the milk aisle. Some are organic, some are fat free and others are being fought over by two different women who will send you death threats over facebook and try and sabotage your relationship. It is just great. Anyways, I recently decided as an in debt 20 year old with too may bills to pay and a customer service job that I'm already dead inside, so if I died it'd be pretty much how it is now except I would no longer have obligations and all the guys from my high school would finally pay attention to me. My first experience was just as about as fucked as it gets. He was this hot guy, six foot, covered in tattoos. He had just moved from utah, or illinois or somewhere else unimportant. He asked me for my snapchat, which ws already a flag because he was 26 and no one except someone over the age of 12, a soccer mom that's had a little too much wine, or a celebrity uses it; but I let it slide. So he's sending me pics and it looks like he's outside. He's sitting in a tent and so I'm like, "oh are you camping? that's fun. Don't let me keep you from anything". He's all, "No I live in a tent". Come to find out he had no job, no car and was living in a tent on someone's property. He was a homeless man. Now, how I found hopefully the only homeless man on tinder is beside me, but the weirdest part is how he had a phone still and also how he thought he could pick up chicks. Like did he think as a date i would let him shower at my place? Or was he thinking my ass would get fully dressed up in make up and heels just to spend the night in his tent? Would he make me bring my own firewood and sleeping bag? My own can of beans? My experiences with men are pretty much summed up by this interaction alone. My first date ever, I showed up at this guy's house and it was infested with rabbits. I am talking ten or twelve. Then he took me up to his room to watch a movie, door open because this was high school and I had never even seen a condom before and his mom was downstairs watching something with jennfier aniston in it. His room was COVERED in pictures of his ex girlfriend. Pictures she drew of them, gifts she gave him, pictures of them together etc. SO, I was so uncomfortable but I was thinking it was probably just because he was too lazy to take them down. I was so wrong. So, so very wrong. Let me preface this by saying this was my first date, EVER. I had no idea what it was supposed to be like. He was a quarter back and he was all in shape and tan and that was pretty much all I knew about it. He had a really cliché rich white name and he was one of the only sophomores with a car and no curfew. He was a real bad boy. So after my date I got approached by his ex girlfriend at a party. She then told me that he was sending pictures of me while I wasn't looking to her and telling her how great of a time he was having and how he didn't need her. This was my first god damn date. I just cannot believe the progress I have made in the 5 years I have been dating. I never dated in middle school because i wore blue eyeliner and had a perm in the late 200s. I was really setting myself up to fail to begin with. I had one relationship that lasted three years. There is this funny thing about guys where they start out pretty normal and then after they really get comfortable they start to cheat on you and go crazy. It is just the weirdest thing. It's like the gremlins except instead of not feeding them after midnight you provide the with emotional stability and all the love in your hard. Big mistake ladies, Am I right? This guy I dated was so much fun. There was one time he told me I was absolutely perfect. He would tell me "Everything about you is perfect, except you could use a boob job". look, I will be the first to say i have the littlest titties in america, but I'll be damned if you dont appreciate them. They are like one piece of chocolate or the very back row of seats of a concert. You're just glad you got a little taste of your favorite thing, okay? I am like the bronze medal you get at a sporting event. Bitch you should just be happy you got any trophy at all. This guy was a real whackadoodle. He would cheat on me and then not let me go out with dudes, or ladies, bisexual pride woot woot, because he thought i would cheat to get back at him. But jokes on him because nobody likes me and I also didn't have any friends. I ended up breaking up with him because he was obviously terrible and he decided to stalk me. All i could think about when he would harass my family and try and show up at my school and had his parents blow up my phone is, "now you miss my lil tities?" who was gonna pay for all this shit in the first place? where did he think i was gonna get the fucking money for this? I am a broke college student, I drive a car that sounds like an eighty year old at the back of a movie theater coughing and I work at a restaurant where everyone is so stoned, it's like I'm at in the middle of portland on a saturday night. I go to the university of oregon. A very fun school, full of people who have no interest in talking to me. In their defense half the time I have my headphones in and I am crying so I guess it's just in everyone's best interest to not get into it. I am a psychology major, which I call the boring white girl major. I got into it to become a sex therapist, mostly because I am not having any and really want to find out if there's a book on how to make people not continuously reject you, but also because sex is a hard topc and I talk about it like a human urban dictionary. The worst part about the university is the talking. There was one time I had a 200 person anthropology class and these girls from a sorority who all obviously took the class together to cheat and not do anything ever, were describing their friend tiffany or gemma or some other rich fake tanned name's vomit. The color, texture, smell, everything. They were analyzing what she had eaten the previous morning and all the alcohol she mixed and all I could think was, " if you spent half as much time talking about your friend samantha's vomit as you would listening you wouldn't be failing this class and self medicating with alcohol to the point where you throw up because youre a bunch of clemintine sharp nailed looking green beans". Like i pay too much to listen to you explain the thong you bought and how it chafes your butthole when you dry hump alex from the frat across the street who is also fucking tina with the fake nose and even though he gave you clamydia six months ago, you trust him now you know? I own one bra and one pencil. I am wearing two completely different socks, one is a knee high and the other is an ankle one. Whenever I am hungry i dont go to sushi, I go to bed. So please Gretchen from Bitch, Bump &grind and beyond stop and let me at least get a C so I can land a job that makes me 12 dollars an hour and I can be poor in a different setting. I work full time and go to school. I am not like most millenials. I don't have time to eat avocado toast or catch HPV. At my little restaurant in junction city, the staff is absolutely questionable. I was the first girl there who was single and under the age of 40, so naturally I became bate for every man in society you hope you never run into in life. The first was our host. He looked like bowzer from mario if he were a white middle class man. He was shaped like a tear drop, so his head was small and oddly shaped and the rest of him just got wider and rounder as you went down. He always wore the same button down shirt, I think to try and impress me, but like it was his only button down shirt. Anyways, he is what I call the lingerer. If you are a woman who has ever had a man like you at work, you know exactly what I am talking about. He would follow around, but like at a creepy slow distance and he would stare at me until he thought i was looking and then looked away. He would also reach over or around me just so he could be close to me. It's weird and painful to watch. He also asked my sister, who also works there, if i was a lesbian because i wasnt immediately interested in him. Let me digress for a moment and say that just because a woman rejects you doesnt mean she loves only vagina. It usually means you arent a good person, or she just doesnt wanna date, or she has a boyfriend already, or you have no common interests, or she doesnt want to mix work with her personal life or maybe she has something personal against blonde guys, white guys, guys with glasses, she dated someone with your name and its weird, she has a lot of issues with touching, you have weird hands, you have bad breath, you are bad at your job, she is asexual, or THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON SHE JUST DOESNT LIKE YOU AT ALL EVER. Men are so vapid about that sometimes. Anyways, he gave me a cash tip off one of my tables and I, trying to be civil was all, "oh i love free money thank you" trying to relate to him because he seemed like the type to bring a gun to work and I really wasnt in the mood to get shot or followed out to my car so i gotta keep is civil you know? so apparently you cannot be friends with sexual predators because then he gets all close and whispers in my ear "is that how I get in your pants, by throwing money at you?". The tip he gave me was only five dollars. If is ass thought having sex with me would cost only five dollars, he has no idea how bad inflation is or how much i spend on amazon a month. Also, even with my little titties and cellulite, no amount of money would let me fuck a guy who looked like barnie the dinosaur if he were a white pale ghost. I have very low standards, but they exist for sure. somewhere. deep down. The next guy i had was this old cook. he was 65 and he cooked in the morning. His wife was obviously dead, in his basement or both because he was always saying nasty things to me. He told me that if he were forty years younger he would hire me as his kid's babysitter so he could fuck me. He also told me he was extremely attracted to me and terrified of me at the same time. He one time came up to me and asked me what i had in my front seat because i was hiding something under a coat. He has rotted out teeth and children older than me. It is men like those guys that make me think, "am I really that bad to the point this is as good as it gets?

#badcomedy #standup #socially awkward #im fragile #trying my best #comedy

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