#also about the body shaming thing: obviously it wouldn't be ok to do that even if the picture actually is dream

[soleilnomoon]

Prompt: “I don’t like them; I can barely tolerate them.” for Abarai Renji. Once again, I leave it up to you what you wanna do (but maybe enemies to lovers) Yes, I might be on a little Bleach binge right now but it's okay you like it. kiss kiss

*hides face* ok, ok, ok, hear me out, let's pretend i didn't take *insert accurate length of time here* and say i wrote this in a few days. i am so sorry i took forever and ever with this but as u know i can only give u top quality work or else i'll never forgive myself. renji is.......well *motions to him* yk how that man is, he made me suffer!!!! in a good way!!! but still i suffered!!! yk how much i love enemies 2 lovers u big brained beauty 🤭 so ty baby❤️️ also this is my first renji fic and i can't belev it.

5.2k words (don't look at me, just don't), fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni, enemies 2 lovers, angst city, angst angst city biiiitch (yk the vibez babey), smut obviously, no fluff bc who do u think i am? feat. renji being a mean petty bitch (i guess that makes him a mean dom maybe yes), sub reader bc that's what i want; there's a party with alcohol, ichigo and co. make brief appearances, bathroom sex, choking (he's sf romantic), a lot of cursing bc they're grown that's why, renji is a beast when he's jealous, reader is a lil bit of a brat but lbr who wouldn't be in that situation; mutual ""unrequited"" pining, lots of tension, fingering, rough (consensual) sex, lil bit of degradation, lil bit of a size kink, lil bit of praise kink, idk there's probably more stuff but i'm so tired rn i can't think; um renji obviously comes w his own gd warning; reader is determined to not let this man win but, hello, it's renji he always comes out on top wink wink. (if u see spelling errors/mistakes no u didn't hottie)

“when i write about all of this it becomes its own kind of violence. / i retell the story as myth, as if it were my own body devoured.” — caitlin scarano & “so much of love is violence. the desire / to be split open, invaded, mangled / and made new.” — erin slaughter

HATRED X TASTES X SWEET

you’ve never been cut out for this line of work, but your insistence on eliminating all your shortcomings is commendable. brave, even. it’s something you don’t really think about unless you want to spend the night half-drunk, rambling about the things you should’ve done but never had the courage to do.

like telling a certain red-haired, bullheaded lieutenant that he’s the most ridiculous and excessively arrogant man you’ve ever come across. all in all, you’re pretty sure telling him off won’t phase him; nothing ever does, not really anyway.

at first you try politeness; your grandmother would be proud of how well you’ve learned to bite your tongue. it’s ungraceful, but you fake it well enough that others think your emotional maturity is far above theirs. little do they know, you actually have to literally bite your tongue; simply remaining silent isn’t easy for you anymore. so, when you bite, it’s with rage, months of unshed tears and accumulated spite; you bite your tongue so hard you bleed more every time.

your unsaid words bunch together — tiny soldiers determined to strike in unison without fail — and sit heavily in the back of your throat, ready to launch forward at your command.

but you never say them, and you choke more than once; an unbearable shame to carry with you as he continues to slash at your patience, thin ribbons cascading off you like confetti. you wonder if your anger will lead to your death— or if it’ll lead to his. you intend to keep all of that hidden, though, and keep reminding yourself that eventually he will tire from berating you, from talking to you as if you’re the most incompetent being in all of soul society, from looking at you like your very being disgusts him.

that’s what you tell yourself these days. you like to conveniently ignore the way his dark eyes linger on yours during meetings — you’ve noticed that people have taken to describing them as soulless, cold and critical, unimpressed at everything and anyone.

but you see him — all of him; the raw, feral, powerful and severe side that not many have the misfortune of knowing. they think they get the real version of renji whenever they deal with him, but they never do; you know that now. you doubt it’s even intentional on his part, or maybe — just maybe — he really does hate you.

to put it plainly, as you’ve told rukia and rangiku, the sixth division lieutenant has the biggest fucking chip on his shoulder. despite the walls he continues to put up to keep others from carving out a place for themselves in his life, despite the way his words roll around his mouth, clumsily coasting down the length of his tongue before they pierce the air around you with their toxicity — you’re tired of the way he purposely singles you out time and time again to point out your inadequacies without remorse.

abarai renji is also sick of dealing with you. whenever he thinks he’s found a means of scaring you off, you scurry right back more determined and more obnoxious than ever. which is rich, coming from him.

he claims you’re inconsequential, a nuisance — a pest, even — one that he intends to get rid of permanently. it’s harsh and he’s more than aware of that, but he finds that this is the most appropriate solution to his problem. he could easily ignore you; he could try to keep his comments to himself and try to be somewhat cordial whenever you cross paths. but he won’t. and he has no damn idea why.

“no, no come in, i have plenty of snacks for everyone.”

rukia’s voice is a constant in his life that he’ll always be thankful for. he watches her glide into the room, grinning at the friends she’s invited over, her laughter like soft bells that is easily recognizable even with all the conversation happening. when he feels his chest constrict, an uncomfortable, yet familiar warmth stretching over his skin, he decides to drink so that he can ignore the sensation and forget.

a feeble attempt, because he knows how this will all end — with him drunk off his ass in an even worse mood than he started.

mouth opening, renji prepares to tell rukia to get better sake, when rangiku leads you into the living room where he’s lounging comfortably. the bottle in his hand grows heavier by the second and suddenly he’s not very interested in drinking anymore. already, his foul mood from earlier returns, and every step you take only fuels his irritation; it bubbles underneath his skin, making him frown and grip the bottle tighter.

you don’t need to look at him to know that he’s glaring at you — he always is. rangiku feigns obliviousness as she encourages you to go make yourself comfortable while she fetches snacks with rukia. you stare at both of them, wide-eyed, confused — a pleading look sliding onto your face after a few moments, but they assure you both that they’ll be back shortly.

with a sigh you sit on the armchair adjacent to him, determined to just remain quiet in the hopes that he’ll just ignore you for once. sitting up straight, discomfort finds its way to the pit of your stomach, swirling around as you fidget with the bracelet around your wrist. his eyes watch your movements with an obsessiveness that startles him; there’s no reason why he should be interested in the shape of your fingers, there’s no reason why he should be interested in the way you keep brushing stray curls away from your face, and there’s no reason why he should be interested in possibly fucking you when he knows for a fact that he is absolutely uninterested in you.

his disinterest runs so deep it spoils the taste of the sake, but he takes another swig anyway. the alcohol burns as it travels swiftly down his throat, and it just so happens that you glance over at him — innocuous, an attempt to gauge his annoyance level — as his throat bobs and your mouth dries at the sight.

you turn your face away quickly, a traitorous flush crawling slowly along your skin, unjustly warming your cheeks. inhaling deeply, you do your best to will the blush away to no avail. where the hell are rukia and rangiku? surely it can’t take that long to grab snacks. you’re tempted to go find them, but you have a sinking feeling that it would turn you into a coward.

and you refuse to give that man any more ammo against you.

IT’S X (NOT) X YOU

what initially starts as a small get-together, quickly turns into a party; leave it to rangiku to liven things up, her laughter infectious and whimsical, flitting about like a persistent hummingbird as she encourages everyone to play drinking games with her. experience taught him better than to engage because despite his high tolerance, there’s really no beating rangiku when she’s on a roll.

but when you emphatically agree to play with the rest, fury rises in his chest; your audacity, it seems, knows no bounds — and, yes, he understands the hypocrisy in his critique. he just doesn’t care.

the games are every bit as simple and ridiculous as you thought they’d be, but as everyone seems to be in relatively good spirits, you play along. not normally competitive with things like this, you get into the swing of things when you win round after round.

cheers resound nearby at your success, but throughout the evening, you feel renji’s stare and do everything in your power to not give in and look back at him. a tough feat to say the least, as you are always acutely aware of his presence; and when you do happen to sneak another glance, his legs are spread and you curse under your breath for finding that attractive.

foolish, you chide, so fucking foolish.

renji sucks his teeth as he feels a heaviness in his head; groaning loudly he swirls around what little sake he has left in his glass before finishing it.

“you lose again,” rukia’s voice is soft and teasing, but he’s annoyed and can’t be bothered with talking to her right now. she pats his shoulder gingerly before standing up to head to the kitchen. his mind is a mess and he blames you for it completely.

“i don’t fucking care,” he says gruffly to her retreating figure, not bothering to elevate his voice as he’s sure she heard him. and he really doesn’t care; he’s trying to tell himself to calm down, but he can’t.

the fault completely lies with you — of course it does, everything you do agitates every cell in his body. the reason is simple, and he hates that he doesn’t want to admit it — he’s so undeniably attracted to you that it pisses him off. he takes in your appearance for the twelfth time that night, admiring the softness of your cheeks, the fullness of your lips, the way you seem entirely too animated as you laugh at someone’s lame joke — and yes, he can tell it’s not funny from how your laughter dies down after a few seconds.

if he had better sense, he’d stop looking at you, but he can’t now; he might blame the sake for this later.

the intensity behind his gaze is enough to bring an inextinguishable heat along your skin. it’s only unpleasant because it travels down to your lower abdomen and brings about an agonizing ache between your thighs. at first, you do the sensible thing and ignore it; but the longer he stares, the more you want to look over, until finally you can’t take it anymore.

“i’ll be back,” you mumble to the other guests, although you doubt they hear you with how rowdy everyone is being; the noise isn’t unwelcomed, the distraction serves to mask your footsteps when you scurry from the living room to the back corridor, turning corner after corner until you find the bathroom.

a coward — that’s what you are.

you barricade yourself in there without thinking, heart pounding loud enough to disorient you. after several long minutes, you splash water on your face and take a few deep breaths.

“i can’t believe i ran away,” your voice is so soft you barely hear the words — almost as if you’re still in disbelief over the entire situation. there’s something off about renji tonight; the tension between you was more palatable and tangible than normal.

even though you feigned nonchalance as best as you could, there were so many moments where you couldn’t help but watch him too. pitiful. absolutely pitiful. there’s no excuse for it, and yet you struggle to find one anyway.

as you look at your reflection in the mirror above the sink, you try to convince yourself to head back out there. sooner or later, people will realize that you’ve gone missing — and rangiku is nosy enough and like a bloodhound when she’s drunk. your time is incredibly limited now.

there’s no reason for you to continue to avoid the inevitable, so you sigh and give yourself a small pep talk before heading back outside.

TRUTH X OR X …

renji’s mood doesn’t improve at all; in fact, it worsens the moment ichigo sits right next to him. he’s not even sure why this sets him off, but even closing his eyes and counting backwards does nothing to keep him calm.

with slight difficulty, renji grits out, “what do you want?”

undeterred, ichigo stares at renji pointedly, voice steady as he says, “you could go after her, you know.”

again, renji sucks his teeth loudly, arms folded against his chest, right leg bouncing slightly as he taps his foot on the floor. punching ichigo would be pointless, and then rukia would get involved and he doesn’t have time to deal with the fallout from that so he keeps his hands to himself.

besides, his anger is obviously misdirected right now. he knows — he knows —but he doesn’t care, so he doesn’t mince his words when he responds with, “go after who?” through his peripheral, he can see ichigo’s patience has also reached its limit.

“you’re not that stupid, so stop acting like it.”

normally, renji would take the opportunity to mes s around and argue back and forth, but he might actually fight his friend if he doesn’t walk away. so, he does; abrupt and without looking back, footsteps heavy on the hardwood floor.

maybe he just needs to change his approach with you, maybe talking things out would work in his favor; or maybe he needs to fuck you hard enough to purge you from his mind.

he lies to himself when he considers the first option, because it’s the second option that drives him to walk a little faster, head full of impossible thoughts as he wonders just how far you’d let him go.

when renji finally finds you, you’re in the middle of rebuffing the advances of an unfamiliar guest — they’re drunk, handsy, and keep oscillating between giving you cheesy pick-up lines and berating you for rejecting them. but you stand firm, and your voice is relatively loud when you tell them, “for the last fucking time, go away.”

under normal circumstances, renji would let you handle this yourself; he has no desire to play prince charming or be a knight in shining armor. you’re more than capable, and he’s seen the way you fight and argue to defend yourself — but, it’s when they place a wandering hand on your hip that he loses sight of all of that.

a brief moment passes, where your blood boils as you contemplate how best to kick their ass, but you never get the chance. a rather large shadow hovers over you both, but you already know who it is without having to look properly.

renji is a force to be reckoned with on a good day, but he’s at his fucking limit right now.

he doesn’t ask, doesn’t give any options for retreat, doesn’t say a word when he yanks them off with a brute strength that surprises even you.

now, can he really be blamed for throwing them into the neighboring wall hard enough to make a noticeable hole? and is it really his fault that the drunk can hardly walk as they clutch their broken arm while murmuring something unintelligible, something that renji takes as a sign of them wanting a repeat demonstration?

consequences be damned, he gives the drunk a lethal look before they scramble away in fear.

“loser,” he says loud enough for them to hear, but they don’t double back or even try to go toe-to-toe with the hot-headed lieutenant. you watch, half-amused and half-impressed with the unnecessary machismo, but still, you know better than to chastise him right now, especially when your heart sputters out of control from his proximity.

“…thanks,” you say, a faint flush on your cheeks, voice soft, head fuzzy when you realize that renji — aka mr. “i’ll fight you on everything any day of the week unprovoked for no reason other than to drive you crazy” — saved you. unprompted at that.

you make the mistake of looking up at him, your nerves prompting you to take a small step back when you realize that the usual hostility that renji reserves for you specifically is nowhere to be found. in its place is something more unreadable — or, rather, you don’t want to read into it for fear of being wrong.

renji steps closer, which makes you back up again until your back hits the wall and you’re no longer able to escape.

“we need to talk,” he says suddenly, but you shake your head, non-verbally objecting to the idea, curls bouncing wildly with your exaggerated movements. since he knows he’s pressed for time, he grabs your face with his large hand and stops you from moving. “that wasn’t a request.”

swallowing rusty nails would be better than dealing with your conflicting feelings over renji right now, because he’s much too close to you and now you’re forgetting why it is you hate him in the first place. ironically, he’s in the exact same position. so far, he’s acted on impulse over you more times than he can count tonight, but he supposes that’s to be expected — you are a wildcard, after all.

“what if i don’t want to.” your response is clumsy, the words tumbling one after the other. “what if i want you to leave?” you don’t actually mean that, but you throw it at him anyway, to see if maybe this was all a fluke, and maybe, just maybe he’ll remember himself and you both can go back to fighting like usual.

he considers your question, goes so far as to release your face to wrap his hand around your throat instead. your sharp inhale and parted lips tell him all he needs to know.

with a slightly raised brow, he asks, “well, do you?”

because if you do, he’ll walk away right now. but he knows what your answer will be, he just has to drag it out of you. he squeezes your neck to remind you to hurry it up, and before you can answer him properly, he places his leg in between yours, pressing close enough that you roll your hips forward while whimpering softly.

he really didn’t think any of this through, but luckily the adrenaline from it all won’t wear off anytime soon, so he’ll improvise along the way. he spent most of the night dealing with a semi-hard cock that wouldn’t listen to reason no matter how many times he tried to stop thinking about you. but now? all of that restraint goes out of the window, and before he can question it, he kisses you.

you’ve kissed plenty of people in your life — some good, most were mediocre and uninspiring — but renji actually takes your breath away. everything about him commands all your attention; from the way his lips move against yours greedily, leaving behind burning kisses that make your nipples harden underneath your clothes — to the way he thrusts his tongue in between your plush lips, licking inside of your mouth hotly, igniting an inextinguishable flame deep inside of you.

he grabs your hip with his free hand, squeezing hard, fingers digging firmly. all the irritation from earlier dissipates completely, leaving you feeling lightheaded and needy; you grind against him recklessly, arousal dampening the front of your panties, clit sensitive as it rubs against the delicate fabric. his cock presses against you — thick, long, and hard — and you wonder if this is why he’s so angry with you all the time.

was it always that simple?

if you asked the question aloud, he wouldn’t know what to tell you — it’s a combination of things, but mostly he’s an idiot; he knows that now, but likewise you’re an idiot too. you just don’t realize it yet.

it’s renji who pulls away first, lightly panting, breath warm against your lips as he releases his hold on your neck. he doesn’t know where he finds the strength to string together a coherent statement, but his voice is low and husky when he speaks. “answer my question.”

you blink at him, completely in a daze, lips slightly swollen from all the kissing. “wh-what?” you don’t remember what he asked you, and you don’t care.

“do you want me to leave?”

for some reason, you completely forgot that you told him that. you rub your lips together and run your hands along his chest. “no.” the answer comes out automatically, without hesitation, and that’s all the encouragement he needs.

“good.”

SAY X IT X LOUDER

he picks you up with ease, almost as if you weigh nothing; a small squeal spills out of you as you wrap your legs around his waist, and renji gives you a sly smile — one laced with mischief and an unspoken promise of what’s to come.

you’re back in the bathroom again, this time sitting on the counter with renji standing in between your legs. his hands coast along your curvy hips and down your thighs. he’s touching you but he’s not touching you and it’s driving you crazy.

with hurried, eager hands you both undress, and for the umpteenth time you internally curse this style of uniform; still, it doesn’t take too long before his hands are on you again, calloused palms rough and warm against your skin. he places a kiss on your jaw, then another on your neck right underneath your earlobe; each kiss he leaves behind distorts your common sense, makes you feel irrational and impatient. your hands are soft and well-practiced, stroking his stiff cock as his hips jerk forward from your touch.

he can’t remember the last time someone had him this worked up, which pisses him off a little; because that means him fucking you once won’t settle things. at that thought, renji bites your neck and your startled yelp quickly morphs into a moan when he runs his tongue along the mark. he dips his hand in between your thighs, rubbing his thick fingers against your slit. a loud banging on the door has you looking over, and you can’t remember if he bothered to lock it once you both were inside.

your attention nearly falters, but when he pinches your clit you buck your hips, a shiver shooting down your spine at the slight pain.

“eyes on me,” is all he says, seemingly annoyed that you would dare to focus your attention elsewhere, “always keep them on me.” what he means by that, he doesn’t know, but you take the command at face value and nod while swallowing. he slides a finger inside of your wet pussy, and while you initially wanted to keep quiet to avoid suspicion and to prevent anyone from intruding, but you can’t now.

“renji,” you breathe, fingers trembling as you hold onto the counter for support, he thrusts his finger in and out, quick and hard, before inserting another. you clench around him, hips rocking forward as he fingerfucks you and grinds his palm against your clit. you close your eyes and moan louder than you mean to, chest heaving, thoughts jumbled and incoherent. he scissors his fingers inside of you, but quickly removes them without prompting.

“fuck!” you open your eyes again and stare at him in disbelief. “why did you stop?”

he laughs darkly and grabs your face roughly, fingers pressing into your soft skin without remorse. “what did i tell you earlier?” everything about this situation is laughable. he gave you very specific instructions, ones he thought were easy enough for you to follow. for some reason your movements are sluggish, mind in a haze as you scramble to remember but nothing comes to mind.

as you open and close your mouth, looking every bit as adorable as you are alluring, he decides to show you a bit of kindness.

“get down.” his command comes swift, his patience practically nonexistent; precum glides down the head of his thick cock, but he ignores it for the sake of teaching you a lesson. you don’t bother waiting for him to repeat himself and slide off the counter. “turn around.”

like a doll, your movements are dictated by renji with simple, short statements. nothing about that phases you, though; it’s all very exciting, so when you do turn to face the counter, you bend forward and lean over the counter. renji admires the roundness of your ass and slaps it hard.

again, you find yourself moaning loudly, without shame and not caring about the volume of your voice. surely the others won’t pay attention, as they’re still very drunk and are entertaining themselves with more games. another slap on your ass has you grabbing onto the counter again, legs shaking, arousal dripping between your thighs in anticipation. if renji doesn’t fuck you soon, you might actually die.

he knows he’s taking too damn long, but it’s much more interesting making you work for him. he rubs the tip of his cock against your puffy pussy, gliding it in between your slick folds, your moans sweetly wrapping around him once he pushes inside of you slowly. someone bangs on the door again, making you look over, anxiety quickly filling your head with unnecessary what ifs that almost command your full attention.

with narrowed eyes, renji grabs onto your hair, curls soft in his hand, and yanks hard.

“the fuck did i say earlier?”

goosebumps travel down your arms as a different kind of awareness and clarity surges through you quickly. you blink at your reflection, watching the way he towers over you, his muscles hard and defined — sculpted from years of training and dedication to honing his skills. it hits you then, what he’s really asking you.

“to,” you swallow thickly, throat dry, “to keep my eyes on you always.” you say it all in one breath, gasping when he runs his tongue along the curve of your ear. you don’t know how much more you can take, but you know if you complain, if you say anything he might stop altogether.

renji’s smile is wicked and dark, his lips graze your earlobe, voice deep and gravelly, a huskiness that wasn’t there before as he thrusts into you, burying his cock deeply.

“good girl.”

he refrains from kissing you properly, instead pushing you down so you can lean over the counter again. your mind melts from it all, and you’re panting, heart beating faster and faster as he firmly places a hand on your back.

“you’re squeezing me so tight,” he remarks thoughtfully, although you note the slight strain in his voice; as much as he tries to act like he’s not that affected by you, you know that isn’t the case at all. your pussy is every bit as enticing and heavenly as he knew it would be; he pulls back and slams his cock into you all over again, filling you completely. you try to keep watching him in the mirror, but he’s fucking you like he’s angry with himself for being so attracted to you.

and he absolutely is. it’s a truth he fought against for so long that he’s given up on denying it now. your moans drip onto his skin like caramel, sticky and sweet, and when you say his name like that — your voice going higher and higher from the ferocity of his thrusts — he nearly loses his mind.

“fuck,” he says out loud, grabbing your hip roughly, your wetness coating the length of his cock, “you’re taking me so well.” he knows you can’t really answer him, and he likes that; you’re beyond caring at this point, instead focusing on the way his cock reaches a spot that has you bouncing your ass and fucking yourself against him. normally, renji would play around and edge you in retaliation, but he’s too far gone, completely under the spell of your pretty pussy, with how soft and tight it is.

you’re not sure how you got here, but you’re drowning in ecstasy right now. he instructs you to lift your leg to rest it onto the counter, pulling out momentarily to help you position and spread your legs further apart. he plunges his cock into you again, keeping his hips closer as he gives you shorter, frenzied thrusts. your head spins and you can’t think straight, but that doesn’t matter. all you care about is the way renji is angling his hips, rolling them forward to pound into your cunt roughly, balls heavy as they smack against your ass.

“oh, oh, oh.” you swear your life flashes before your eyes, because something possesses him, his strokes shorter, brutal, and frenetic. drool slides down your chin, your voice hoarse from how loud you’ve been. you’re sure someone’s heard you by now, but you don’t care.

how can you?

with renji fucking you like this — merciless and possessive, fingers brusing your skin, almost as if he wants to make sure you’ll be as obsessed with him as he is with you — your common decency, your morals, everything that makes you you, they don’t exist.

all that’s left is this burning desire to let him have his way with you for as long as he wants. thankfully, you have enough sense to not admit that out loud; who knows what kind smugness you’ll be subjected to if renji knew.

but you’re pretty damn transparent about it, he can tell from the way you can’t stop clenching your pussy around his cock, from how your pussy makes loud, lewd squelching noises — ones that he’ll commit to memory so he can revisit them from time to time.

tears roll down your cheeks and you sob as you hold onto the counter as best as you can, back arching, hips rocking against him with a neediness you never knew you had. there’s a tightening in your stomach and your pulse skyrocketing as a flash of white practically blinds you. he watches the way your pussy keeps swallowing the length of his cock, and you finally fall over the edge, orgasm suffocating you with its intensity.

your cunt flutters around him, gummy walls soft and hypnotic, an addiction he never thought he’d have; breathing heavily, his muscles tense and renji groans something that suspiciously sounds like your name. the thought alone makes your face burn and warms your chest in a way that doesn’t make sense. and when he finally cums, he humps into you, cum thick and hot as it spills inside your pussy, mixing with your slick wetness. a completely messy affair, but he doesn’t care — it’s not his bathroom, after all.

legs trembling, you’re limp and incapable of movement, whimpering and whining until he finally pulls out of you.

renji runs a hand down his face, feeling spent but more than satisfied. suddenly his shoulders aren’t so tight and tense, and his mood is much more tolerable. you do your best to stand but almost fall — your legs are useless, turned to jelly because of the man behind you. he chuckles at that, then clears his throat once he realizes. he fully expected there to be a moment of awkwardness after, but it never comes. when he sees your face — lips bruised and swollen, face flushed, eyes glazed with a faraway look — he feels compelled to kiss you again. so, he does. it’s not sweet, nor is it tender, but it still makes your heart swell all the same. he holds you close as you wrap your arms around his neck, doing your best to keep standing, even though your legs are ready to give out.

you don’t know exactly what any of this means, but you do understand him a bit better now. he’s terrible with expressing himself, but you kind of like that about him; and maybe this isn’t the healthiest relationship, but life was uncertain and you’d take renji fucking you like it’s his last day alive over him openly hating you any day.

#it is done!!!! finally!!! i survived sora #fic request #bleach angst #bleach smut #bleach x reader #bleach x y/n #abarai renji x reader #abarai renji x y/n #abarai renji angst #abarai renji smut #renji x reader #renji x y/n #renji smut #renji angst #‘i can change him’ 🥴 #pls no i can't be SERIOUS #y/n continues to be braver than any u.s. marine #y/n sippin that clown girl juice over this man and ykw? me too. #my man my man my man ✧ 𓂃𓄹՞ഒ #anyway ily sora i had fun writing this i hope u have fun aka suffer reading

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Lmfao, so for whatever reason I decided to look at the DID tags on twitter, probably as a form of digital SH and the first post I see on there annoys the fuck out of me

TW for discussion of self harm and self injury

Ok so first thing I see is this

And this is definitely a touchy subject subject for me, I get hyper critical when I see it discussed, especially since some early conversations with my therapist. Even before that discussion though I've always hated the way self harm is discussed even if I couldn't articulate those feelings.

And that's because abstinence as a moral imperative might be the most damaging ideology to ever worm it's way into society.

I mean, even the title of that article "First, Do No Harm, Not Even to Yourself" is soaked in moral judgement, "hurting other people is wrong and bad, right? So why would do a wrong and bad thing to yourself? You wouldn't download a razor blade" and it doesn't even make a proper argument on the moral philosophy of harm, she merely attempts to imply immorality by association. Hurting others is wrong because it violates their autonomy, your liberty to swing your arm ends just where my nose begins, right? It's about consent. In BDSM, a sadist may physically hurt a masochist because they have consented to it being done to them. Similarly, gender affirming care doesn't violate the Hippocratic Oath no matter how strongly a transphobe feels about it because informed consent is given to the treatment. Conversely, genial reconstruction surgeries performed on intersex babies or even infant circumsions should be considered a violation because consent has not and cannot be given.

But how does this apply to self-harm? It's your body, it's your autonomy, you aren't violating shit. Even being in a system no single alter has complete authority over the body, it's still possible to come to a consensus without unanimous agreement because guess what? Making decisions while having conflictual feelings or being in two minds is a perfectly normal human experience.

Am I saying you should self harm? No. Of course not. I'm simply saying that self harm is not an immoral act and I will remove the personhood of anyone that tries to weaponise shame in this way against people who almost certainly feel an incredibly painful and torturous amount of shame and guilt already.

The article is also vaccuously lacking in substance. The author seems to think this 'gotcha' is a sufficient argument but itself, checkmate traumatised liberals, but obviously needs to generate ad revenue through scrolling so offers 8 "new realities" to help reinforce a morally pure and healthy mindset.

1. Feelings are survivable and containable

Uhhh sure, they can be, if you have the right coping mechanisms to deal with them. You can't just tell someone to forgo the coping mechanisms they already have without successfully replacing them with something equally or more effective though. The whole point of dissociation from trauma is because certain feelings ARE deemed to be unsurvivable by the brain, you're not weak minded for thinking so.

2. We have art, reading, distractions, therapist, meds

Yeah no shit, that's not always enough though and you haven't failed if you try them and they don't work, the coping mechanisms have failed, not you.

3. We deserve to feel better

So true! Self harming makes me feel better when emotional distress is overwhelming me, I'm glad we agree

4. We don't need to guarantee pain

You know what guarantees pain? Shaming yourself out of using a coping mechanism without addressing it's root cause, but that's ok because feelings are "survivable" right?

5. We don't have to hurt via self-abuse

I actually don't know what that's supposed to mean, I can hurt myself without hurting myself? I don't have to self harm? I know I don't have to, but I can if it's better to do so than to not

6. Our trauma is over, why continue it?

First of all fuck you, retraumatisation is a very well noted trauma response, but so is shame and guilt so who's really continuing our trauma here?

7. We don't have to stand vigil over pain to honour abused parts

EXACTLY! That's what coping mechanisms are for, hey guess what coping mechanism can be really effective at temporarily relieving emotional pain? I'll give you a hint, it's not reading.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Once again so true! I will be compassionate to abused parts, understanding and accepting of the coping mechanisms they choose, while encouraging exploration of healthy alternatives without shaming them if they don't work.

Her website is littered with BuzzFeed style listicles of "25 ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "25 more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "another 25 even more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" and like, sure, they're all perfectly fine distraction techniques but what really pisses me off about the wording of these is that they're framed as ways to distract yourself from the urge to self harm, as though the urge itself is what's wrong, and not the pain and hurt that the urge is a response to.

Just watch one more movie bro, trust me bro, this next one will be the one that makes the pain go away bro just trust me one more movie bro.

I have wasted so much fucking time hating myself and shaming myself and feeling like a failure for breaking my streak. Torturing myself during some of the most emotionally distraught moments of my life because "it doesn't matter how much pain I'm in I can't give into the urge, I can't do that, no matter what I mustn't ever do that" imagining how much worse I'll feel when I punish myself for being too weak.

Do you know what I do now? I take note of the feeling, give it space and allow it to be present and I make a bargain with myself. I will give myself 2 hours to distract and soothe from the emotional pain that I or another part is experiencing, and if that doesn't work then we'll self harm with no shame or judgement. And you'll never guess what, I haven't even come close to self harming, and that's great! And maybe sometime it won't be enough and that'll be fine too, it'll just mean I really needed to. The parts that want to self harm feel respected and listened to, my hurt and abused parts feel seen because I'm paying attention to them and not fighting with the self harm part and we all get to move through the experience with grace.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Fucking damn right I will, in every way I can.

So yeah, that was my first 5 seconds on DID twitter how was your day?

#syscourse #tw s3lf harm #tw sh related #tw sh

[iguessweallcrazyithinktho]

Okie, eddie request! I haven't seen any nsfw alphabet for eddie... Would you do one? If you're not comfortable, i have another idea! Do you think he'd be self-conscious about the place he lives if he dated a upper-class type of girl? <3

𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖 𝐚𝐥𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐭 – 𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐧

WARNING: smut, female! Reader

A • aftercare (what they're like after sex)

Eddie was very gentle after sex. Especially when he's been rough on you. He'll kiss all of your face, talk to you gently and ask several times if he hurt you or not even though you said no plenty of times.

You both have deep pillow talk after sex. You loved having deep talk with him. They were very deep.

Hes also is very cuddly. He craves your touch a lot. It was adorable.

B • body part (what their favorite body part is on you)

Eddie's favorite body part on you had to be your boobs. He fucking loved them. You noticed he stared at them a lot when you have on a low cut shirt. you noticed it was one of your body parts he lingered on whenever you both were having sex. Also when you both are laying in bed or on the couch watching TV he'll cup your boobs under your shirt and stay there until you both move.

C • cumming (where do they cum)

Ok Eddie seriously loves cumming inside of you. He has a breed kink. You found out that really earlier on in your sex life. You didn't mind all the time, but when you did he emptied out on your lower stomach or in your mouth

D • dirty secret (dirty secrets, self explanatory)

He usually masterbate to the thought of your moans. It always made him cum just thinking about your pretty moans filing his ears as he was buried deep in you. You had no idea about this, but if you did you wouldn't mind.

E • experience (how much experience they have)

I would say Eddie is very experienced even if he hasn't had a ton of sex with people. He knows all the spots that made you go crazy and knew how to make a you shake with an orgasm.

F • favorite position

Eddie's favorite position is missionary. He loves looking at you as he was fucking you, watching how his action made you whimper and moan under him. It was a pretty sight to him. He also loves kissing you as he drilled into you. He loves maintaining eyes contact with you. It was very intimate.

G • goofy (how serious are they)

Sex where You and Eddie were giggling rarely happened but when it did it was usually because you were high or drunk. You both couldn't help but crack jokes and laugh at the stupid things you both saying

H • hair (groomed down there)

He's always well groomed down there. He always made sure.

I • intimacy (how intimate are they)

He was a bit rough at times, but he was also very romantic. Like I said in favorite position, he loves making eye contact with you. It was very intimate when you both were making love, it was like your soul was connecting with each other.

J • jacking off (how much they do)

Eddie Jack's off about once every other week. Obviously you can't be there so he does the best he could with his hand.

K • kinks (what they like)

Eddie has a breeding kink. Even though he wasn't really for the actual thing he loves the thought of you getting pregnant with his child.

He also has a choking kink. With your consent he would choke you. You would be lying if you said you didn't like love it yourself.

L • location (where)

He loves to fuck you in his bedroom in his trailer. It was the place anyone is at so he uses it wisely to fuck you.

M • motivation (what motivates them to have sex with you)

You in a skirt or a low cut shirt... a huge turn on for him without a doubt

N • no's (things they won't do)

He would never tie you up. He wasn't a fan of it. He's definitely not into slapping. Anything that was going to hurt you he wasn't going to do

O • oral (receiving or giving)

He loves eating you out. He was a hoe for it. He could eat you out for hours making you wet and sensitive. He had no shame in it.

He also loved when you gave him blow jobs. Your warm mouth wrapped around him made him cum instantly

P • pace (how fast and how long they last)

Eddie's pace is usually fast, but he could be slow at times. Whenever he wants to savior the moment his thrust are slow. He does that most of the time to tease you because you do like it rough.

He could last several hours with you

Q • quickies

when either one of you were in a rush you always had a quickies. It was easy for both of you seeing how Eddie could make you cum in a few minutes. He loves them especially knowing he has your cum stuffed in you when you leave him

R • risk (do they like to try new things)

Eddie is open to exploring anything with you unless it was going to hurt you

S • stamina(how many times they can go and how long each round lasts)

This man is a fucking beast. He could go many rounds unlike some men

T • toys (are they game for using sex toys on themselves or lovers)

He only uses the vibrator on you

U • unfair (how do they tease or do they enjoy suspense themselves)

He loves to tease and watch you beg for it. Sometimes he wouldn't let you cum, he'll make you wait until your all fucked out and sensitive with tears running down your face

V • volume (are they loud, what sounds, and do they talk)

Eddie's loud. You always tell him to never hold back his moans. It definitely made him feel better and it definitely made you feel better hearing all those grunts and moans he made.

W •wildcard  (random sincannon of any sort)

He was into cock warming! It usually happens when your tired and don't want to have sex, he usually stick it in and leaves it there until you wake up. He loves feel how warm you are and the tightness is the cherry on top

X • X-ray (what’s down below in dem pants)

He's a good 6 inches. That's more than enough for you.

Y • Yearning (sexdrive level)

He can go for hours like I stated above. You don't know where he got that energy, but you weren't complaining

Z • Zzzz (do they sleep after if so how quickly after)

You usually fall asleep right after sex. All that put you out cold in minutes. Eddie on the other hand was one to stay up for a bit and just stare at you with a smirk Wondering how'd he land such a girl like you.

#Eddie munson smut #eddie munson x y/n #Eddie munson x reader #Eddie munson x you #Eddie munsom fanfiction #Eddie Munson fanfic #Eddie munson fluff #stranger things #Eddie munson

[odausten]

I tried to fight my inner demons as hard as I could but...

Why I think Wanderer would be a better archon then Kusanali

(By not a lore player, if you disagree with anything I say, please explain why, I would like to hear, trust me, I try as hard as I can to find at least one good thing about Nahida's character so if anyone has anything to say I would be so glad to hear it)

(Didn't mean to offend anyone)

(Unless you're Nahida)

So I come up with some reasons why Baladeer would be a perfect archon (based on personality, God criteria and official genshin writings and lore), why Kusanali is not supposed to be an archon at all (based on personality and archon criteria and on lore of other gods) and why having Lumine fighting sages and helping Wanderer to become a God would make the game and Nahida's character so much better (based on my opinion) and now I can't stop thinking about it

(Nahida is so selfish and noone knows it because of her acting like uwu anime cutie who cries for no reason all the time and saying that she likes hooman while girl literally manipulated her person just to make her believe in Nahida's views, used Katherine's body without her consent (and got it damaged, broke Katherine. (I care about her and her creator a lot, ok?) Saying that it's fine cuz she's a puppet (Katherine was showen as someone who's a living creature many times and even if she is just a souless puppet, she's still Sandrone's property), took away Scaramouche's gnosis with no hesitation even tho bro begged her not to (he was technically her enemy but taking away his heart was too personal, beating him up or anything wouldn't be.)

Listen..maybe I'm being too empathetic to a fictional charcater, but when she said she only kept Wanderer to use him, it was fine, if she killed him it was fine, but the moment when she talked about breaking his heart just to scare Dottore (she could've done the same with her gnosis, she wasn't about to actually break it anyway) really made me feel so so bad for him. Like I'm a bitch and I would bever do smth like that??

Another thing that people say is that "Scaramouche is evil" "he tried to take Sumeru away from Nahida" so is/did Barbatos?? Morax?? Ei even in her own quest was a bad guy (literally a part of Inadzuma quest was about Inadzuma needed someone more empathetic then Ei's puppet, oh, what a shame that Ei never made a puppet that was actually kind, understanding and incredibly good at politics/s)? Rukha too ig?? Archons are evil in one way or another, Scara said himself that their fight was an archon war (because Archons also fought each other for territories) And Nahida obviously lost (would have if traveler wasn't there).

We literally have 2 more canonical confirmations that Scara would be a good archon.

We saw how much he loved Haypasia and *cough cough*

"But those of this world who call such a being a "false deity" misunderstand the true meaning of the word. Shouki no Kami now understands countless things and shoulders unassailable might, and may be said to surpass mortals. If gods must love mortals, then Shouki no Kami, who grants failure in equal measure to humanity, loves them also. If gods must watch over humanity, then Shouki no Kami, who has borne witness to infinite love, hatred, partings, grudges, and maddening anger — thus does he watch over mortals".

Dide literally fits the "archon criteria" perfectly??? Nahida doesn't (expect for her loving her people but I already said why I disagree with that but I believe my point was too subjective to actually count it) I'm pretty sure I forgot some of my arguments but I'm too tired to write it anyway lol. In my personal opinion Sumeru would be better if we just fought Sages and then helped Wanderer become a good God, Nahida could be a better character since this way she would be allowed to be silly child

(I just realized interesting thing that both Nahida and Wanderer were created (most likely from irminsul) destined to be a God but not being able to achieve this at first, hey, maybe they both could be Gods, we got 100 updated about desert, no way a baby can handle it by her own + desert people were treated as less "human" then others for ages, Scaramouche would feel so much empathy towards them!

#genshin #genshin impact #scaramouche #wanderer #kusanali #nahida #kunikuzushi #sumeru

[aajjks]

Potentially controversial topic: I'm not entirely against "child marriage." Ok so, hear me out...

Firstly, I'd like to point out that consent is very very important. Obviously, parents shouldn't force their children into getting married regardless of their age.

Secondly, according to Islam, as soon as someone has gone through puberty, they're physically able to reproduce and could get married if they wanted to.

In the Western world, legal age counts as 18-21 years of age, but that's not the same for a lot of eastern countries. I'm not saying either one is right or wrong. It really depends on the situation.

The prophet in Islam was arranged to marry one of his wives when she was about 5 or 6 years old, but the marriage only became official when she reached puberty at the age of 9. I think things were very different in those times though. She was a lot more mature than the average 9 year old these days. There were also more pious people with less pedophiles and things weren't so messed up that time. She was known as one of the wisest women of their time and he was known to be trustworthy, so it worked for them.

He married his first wife when he was 25 and she was 40, so age gaps are not an issue to me either.

All of my great grandparents got married in their teens.

I think that things were very different in those times though. People nowadays mature at a slower rate than people in the past, so there are a lot of people that shouldn't be getting married when they're not ready. Kids a hundred years ago had a lot more responsibilities with working and running households compared to kids now that are still learning to tie their shoe laces.

I don't think kids should be getting married straight after puberty. They should get some time to settle into life and to get to know their bodies before having to share it with someone else. Obviously marrying kids off before puberty is out of the question. That's entirely just wrong. They should have some time to figure out where they want to be in life and parent shouldn't just decide on their behalf before they have a chance to decide for themselves.

I also think that getting married shouldn't interfere with getting an education. If getting married and having to take care of a spouse and run a household is going to disrupt someone's studies, then I think that it should rather wait till after.

If getting married sooner is going to reduce sin and risks of children being born outside of wedlock, then go ahead and have a happy married life, keep your honour and stay without guilt. It's much better to have a married teen that is doing everything above board than to have a teenager sneaking around and getting pregnant, getting STDs, causing complications or bringing shame to their families and themselves.

I think it ultimately depends on the situation, so both the parents and the kids should think about it carefully. Personally, I wouldn't encourage child marriages, but I don't think it's entirely wrong. I would rather wait till I'm entirely ready and responsible enough to handle marriage before committing myself to it, even if that means I have to wait another half a century. It really just depends of the personal growth and development of the person which doesn't really have a specified age because everyone matures at a different rate. But yeah, hypothetically, if for example, a responsible mature 16 year old was done with their studies or able to continue studying, wanted to get married instead of having children out of wedlock, I don't see why we should judge them or disallow it.

P.S. If someone reading this is not Muslim, please don't be quick to judge the facts about Islam that I mentioned. Islam is a peaceful religion that wouldn't force anyone into something they didn't want to do. Times were also very different, so please put the information into context if you are quick to disagree.

(Also, this is kinda ironic that I'm posting about this here considering the smut stuff on this blog, but that's all theoretical imaginary stuff that doesn't affect real life compared to physically going out and doing nasty shit. I don't claim to be perfect. Just a disclaimer 🤷🏽‍♀️. A girl can fantasize all she wants about Jungkook, right? Lol)

I am a Muslim and I know this, but like those times were really different, nowadays most ppl act like p*dophiles, in Islam consent is also very important, the nikkah is not valid until the girl agrees to marry from the depth of her heart, if a person is forced to marry, the nikkah is null.

and yes, all of the stuff on this blog is strictly fictional. and I agree that Islam is a very beautiful and peaceful religion 🩷

Child marriage is a crime I think. :/

#asks

[penny-nichols]

what’s your opinion on every global studios characters and what do you like about each of them, except manella or whatever the f hes called bc i hate him with every single cell in my entire body. i know penny is your fav (and good for her, she deserves more love) but what about the others?

OK OK OK GET READY Penny: OK admittedly my obsession with her started with "haha she looks like me" and then I was like "also she's obsessed with a piece of fictional media. Me" and she just seems like a good person you know? Like some people in ace attorney are like... innocent but still shitty people but she's one of the good ones and I like that :) also she's not like, a creepy fan which it could've been so easy to make her into. But no, she's just Autistic Rep (which admittedly was so unintentional but I'm autistic and I claim her so) and she keeps in touch with Maya post games and I just genuinely think that she'd be a cool person to hang out with. Obviously she's not as exaggerated as other ace attorney characters but she's still charming in her own way! Will Powers: As soon as I saw his SECOND SPRITE I was like "I love this man" (it was one of his embarrassed ones) like. He looks like a big ol threatening guy but he's just a teddy bear and I love him. He does no wrong. Also if you don't think he would give the best hugs, you're dead wrong Oldbag: OK I'm not sure if this is a popular or unpopular opinion or something but I feel like, just like Larry, post game one she got unfortunately Flanderized. Like how Larry is just some guy who really cares about his girlfriends in game one and then in later games gets turned into a guy flirting with everything that even vaguely resembles a woman, Oldbag gets turned into... her but everything likeable about her is removed. Like, don't get me wrong she was still into younger guys in game one. She was still kinda a pain to deal with in game one. But there's that moment when she gives you the photo of Manuel... and there's some genuine heart behind that. It's even more apparent in the anime. I'm just saying that if they had leaned into that side of her more, she could've been a really great character. Sal: Fuck you, eat dirt Sal Manella. Like, besides all the normal reasons to hate him he's ALSO the one time Ace Attorney really makes fun of a fat person? Like there's quips about Maya from Phoenix but those are quips from characters, not the game itself saying that it's a joke, you know? Like how he has a slobbering sprite and is obsessed with food.... Normally the few fat characters they have aren't really shamed for their weight? I mean sometimes it's commented on (like with Grossburg and that line when Phoenix is Lying to Maya about how he looked and he said he looked really sickly... all skin and bones) and don't get me wrong, the fat characters aren't necessarily treated WELL by the story (Grossburg and the main joke about him in 3-1 for example, or Jean Armstrong) but Sal is just a fucking incel creep. ...I kinda went off on a long rant about fatphobia here but the point is that I could probably make a better director character and that wouldn't change much Dee Vasquez: Pretty lady.... Honestly she's the first sympathetic Ace Attorney killer (one of the only ones in fact now that I think about it, especially in the original trilogy. The only other one that might even be vaguely on her level is Godot I guess???) and I'm not saying all her actions are RIGHT per say (especially trying to kill Phoenix and Maya) but like... she's smart. She's capable. She had a reason to kill and it's actually decent (he attacked her first with intent to kill, she was completely justified). Honestly. Girlboss. Dahlia Hawthorne could learn a thing or two. Cody: A LITTLE GUY. Like, I love the way he acts like a kid most of the time (kids CAN be annoying) and then can go off on a fully articulated rant about like. The nature of Justice or capitalism or whatever (I forget exactly what his specific lines are about, forgive me). I think he's a very important part of the case, I think he's just a little guy, I think he deserves an extra birthday present this year and both Ice Cream AND cake I wish he returned honestly. Even as a cameo. He DOES have a camera give HIM some photographic evidence to present in later cases. Honestly he deserves to be protected. (pt 1 hit char limit)

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

I started to get mad at her today: after setting such a precedent of over-communicating and letting me set the pace, wtf happened? What the fuck would have happened if I wasn't on my period? What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck? I'm obviously mad at myself for not speaking up, not stopping it, not saying no, for acting like I was into it (WAS I into it..??) but she never fucking asked. The one time she asked, as she kissed down my stomach, I know I didn't say no but I did redirect. I remember flipping over on top of her at least twice to try to slow us down.. I did try. And I did eventually start joking about her blue balls, warning her that we'd need to stop soon because her sister was on the way over.. but seriously, what if I hadn't been on my period? What if her sister hadn't been on the way? What the fuck would I have let happen? Would she have ever checked in? And why the FUCK hasn't she checked in yet afterward? Just a few texts about missing me and a bunch of normal chats about our days, but she hasn't acknowledged her hand down my pants, her mouth all over my chest, her fucking tongue in my ear and her thigh between my legs. I never touched her, maybe skimmed my hands over her chest while pressing into her shoulders as I kissed her neck, but how the fuck did she not notice I wasn't making any moves to reciprocate? How did she not notice I was trying to slow down, stop, back off? Why the fuck, how the fuck, what the fuck. What do I do now?

Ugh. I got my therapy appointment moved up to tomorrow at 12:30. I've hiked 7 miles in two days and that felt really good - took my music and stepped along to the beat. Cancelled movie night tonight with her and her sister but otherwise have kept plans, gotten out of the house, pushed through. I don't know the difference between flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and just uncomfortable memories/rumination, but I keep hearing her panting into my ear and I want to claw my skin off. I know there were things she did that felt ok, and I remember smiling at I don't think I was faking that?? but I know I don't ever want to do that again and I think it's more than just embarrassment/vulnerability hangover. I really don't know what I wanted, what felt good, which of my feelings are real. I know she commented that I was "wiggly" and she liked it because it made it clear that I was enjoying myself. I don't fucking understand anything. I didn't want that to happen. I don't think I'm attracted to her. I didn't feel comfortable saying no or stopping.

Fucking hell. How do I play this? What do I tell her? Right now I want to cancel all my plans with her, call into work sick for two weeks, and wallow. While hiking at the lake, I kept thinking about ways to hide my body in a way that wouldn't traumatize anyone. I thought about wrecking my car while driving. I thought about the relative lethality of various overdoses. I've taken to using my nails to really dig in and feel the sting as a way to ground me or shock me out of thoughts I don't want to be having. I did have an intentional and very satisfying Freddy's binge tonight. I just want to.. I don't even know. I want to yell at her, accuse her, punish her, play the victim. I also don't want her to be sad, or feel shamed, or fucking apologize. Ugh I hate her fucking apologies, all contrite scripted bullshit. It's my fucking fault I'm not normal and can't consent. It's my fucking fault I'm vulnerable and misleading and feral and self-absorbed. If she'd had that moment with anyone else, it would have been fun and romantic and sexy and free. I'm the problem, the stick in the mud, the uptight liar.

I don't want to be physically affectionate anymore. I'm worried I'm too flirty, people probably judge me at work as being inappropriate and unprofessional. My coworker was probably trying to arrange for a date. I am bad at reading social situations, I am inappropriate, I am rude. I snapped at my grandma today for talking shit on my wardrobe last weekend, after my mom had already jabbed her for not being affirming. I watched my grandma get defensive, and sad, and I felt awful. I'm just trash. I'm mean, immature, dysfunctional, selfish trash. My ex DID know me best and he didn't feel safe around me, didn't trust me, and everyone around me minimized him because they didn't see the full picture like he did. He was right. I'm inconsistent and selfish and judgmental and I don't communicate clearly.

I dunno what's left to do. I could do meds, but I already eat ok and exercise and sleep well and have social connection and a stable job and good health so wtf could meds do besides give me side effects and also still not address the cognitive warfare I assault myself with on a regular basis. Would confidence or positive affect save me? What's missing? I'm fundamentally mortified by who I am.. can pills fix that? I don't trust or believe external validation, I'm not satisfied by or comfortable in my relationships, I feel so fundamentally lonely and broken and wrong. This fucking bullshit with my best friend, the awful breakup with my ex, the loss of my dad.. I'm not holding it together. I'm surrounded by loss and heartbreak and profound human error and it's not cute. I want out of the way. I want to curl up in a ball on the sidelines where no one notices me. I don't want to die, I just want to go somewhere I won't be perceived, won't be judged, won't be found lacking. I want away from people because I'm bad and don't belong here. I'm happy in the woods, alone in my apartment, doing work that doesn't involve other people. It's being perceived and found lacking that is absolutely killing me. I am a black hole and I'm exhausted trying to fill it.

Gonna take an appropriate amount of Benadryl and read romance stories until I pass out. Will try to work tomorrow, but might cancel some meetings. I don't want to be exposed right now. Who cares if I'm perceived as flaky or useless or unreliable. Something should be better than nothing and part of me knows that total avoidance will make it worse.

No fuckin clue what I do with my friend. Maybe act like it didn't happen since she clearly isn't going to ask about it, avoid being alone with or near her, maybe she'll take the hint and we can go back to casual hangouts. No sleepovers, limited alone time, keep it casual and superficial. I'm not doing deep with her, she fuckin threw me off the high dive and my dumb ass hadn't packed my floaties. That's my bad for not telling her I can't swim but her bad for not asking and also I HAVE LITERALLY TOLD HER I CAN'T SWIM so was she confused by my swimming jokes? My increasing time spent in the shallow end? Where the fuck did we miss each other? And why the fuck does my drowning behavior have to fucking mimic pleasure? Lying manipulative traumatized confusing misleading bullshit. Ugh. Taking my pills and going to bed. My therapist can figure that out tomorrow.

[prismit]

you guys were right. twitter is an absolute hellscape.

#ghost town... 2! #negative #yesterday: dream stans dox people while dream haters body shame someone who might just be some guy #(obv one of these is WAY worse but still. no heroes to this story) #today: it's revealed that scott cawthon donated to many republicans #like. thousands of dollars. to each. its very new info and i haven't looked too deep into it but it looks to be true? #this sucks man. i like knowing things but also i hate knowing things. #at least there isnt any homophobia or transphobia or anything in fnaf so separating art from the artist works here #but damn it still stings. after all the good he's done too. #i hate posting publicly about these things since there's always a chance i just fell for some fake stuff attempting to cause drama but like #this one seems way too likely and i just gotta vent :/ #i'll delete this if it turns out to be false but this has me feeling completely awful so i just. idk #also about the body shaming thing: obviously it wouldn't be ok to do that even if the picture actually is dream #never ok to insult someone like that. thought my original tag was a little unclear about that so i just wanna clear that up

[rnegitsune]

Ok so I thought I'd put together some horror stories from my time as a babymetal fan bc of how drastic the shift in the fandom has been the past year or so. For context I got into babymetal in like june of 2014 (all 3 girls were still underage at the time, I was 22; when I first got into them I thought I would be considered an older fan lmao the naivete, the innocence of new fan me wow I know now I'm not at all in the older half of the fandom esp considering I was born the same decade as su and moa), and I made this blog in I think may of 2015.

I've had people say I should compile men being gross into a post and I just couldn't do that out of fear for my own mental health but this will be pretty close. These are all my experiences with this fandom over the years; I'm definitely missing some but what I do remember should do well to cover most of how this fandom used to be vs now. It's gonna be a lot and tw for men being gross about minors.

Back in my first year or so of this blog I on multiple occasions got dms from men asking to be friends. At the time my bio only said my name and my pronouns. I've always been cautious of dms so I'd ask their age and every single one was considerably older than me. I wouldn't usually answer after that bc no thanks but they would generally try to continue convos til I blocked. The only one I still had was this one

After I put my age in my bio, which was 23 at the time, I never got a dm like that again; take from that what you will. But if you're young please be wary of this hell fandom even now. And if you're an older fan and esp an older male fan reading this, don't dm people trying to be friends. I was over 18 and it still creeped me out to no end.

One of my real first men in this fandom are disgusting moments was a blog back in like 2015 or 2016 who I had some contact with due to common interests; he was a huge yui stan and made bm content. He was like 28 or 29 at the time and I eventually noticed he would tag idols, mostly kpop girls, by their body parts (legs, butt, etc) which is disgusting enough as it is but then I saw him do the same for literal minors, like tzuyu from twice. I messaged him asking what the hell he was doing objectifying women but also actual children and he blocked me lmao. He later unblocked me to let me know that's just how he tagged things and it was my fault he had anxiety and then he blocked me again.

Back before the tumblr purge this fandom was repulsive to a degree I cannot even begin to describe. Someone would reblog something from me, I'd go to their blog and it would be underage jpop idols and japanese p*rn all the way down. I even stumbled upon a man editing underage su into p*rn gifs. Obviously no proof of that but I did go find my initial reaction to it

The number of times I'd get a follow from someone then go to their blog and it would be as mentioned above or their bio would be the most misogynistic trash I'd ever read was staggering. I genuinely considered giving up and deleting this blog so many times bc i felt oberwhelmed and outnumbered by these gross old dudes; and so the fact that this fandom has evolved into a bunch of chaotic wlw?? Amazing, I could cry.

Fun phenomenon of women running bm blogs was men sending messages asking if we liked babymetal. No joke. I think this happened to me two or three times but I spoke w other female creators at the time and it had happened to them as well. My entire blog is babymetal, and yet???

He said the weird guy idk bc he sent some random ass messages vaguely insulting me and when I responded coldly, he acted confused so I said you're some guy idk, hence the above message starting as such. Also that pic and the one up above that has my current pfp bc I just took those screenshots. Like I said I typically blocked weird dms but I guess these passed me by so I still had the messages.

Most people know the sub reddit is the worst and don't need me to tell you but it's a hellscape and I highly recommend avoiding it. A short list of things I've had to see as a result of going there: men discussing at length kano and momoko's appearances and how they look in costume vs in normal clothes. Men discussing at length the hope that the girls would marry men who aren't Japanese, a thread that was from when all 3 girls were underage. They aren't gonna marry you dude they're really not.

The insulting of billie Eilish, a 17 year old at the time, was horrible too. Su and moa got to meet her, something they were extremely excited for, and they posted a pic; the comments were disgusting as you can imagine. The yui rumors were terrible too, fatshaming, slutshaming etc all based on nothing. Some man saying the rumors about yui leaving bc, no joke this was a real rumor, she "got too fat" couldn't be true bc "look at saya." Saya being a barely 18 yo back up dancer who covered the third spot after yui left but before the avengers. Not to mention the upskirt shots from when they were minors, the constant editing of their faces onto explicit photoshoots etc. I remember being a new fan looking for a su pic on google and being horrified at the fact that one of the top suggested results after her name was “bikini;” she was 16 at the time. Also, the uptick in massively creepy posts and messages sent to bm blogs as each girl, but esp moa and yui, approached 18 was disgusting.

Now for some personal nonsense. A big reason why I haven't touched my youtube channel in months is bc I got tired of dealing with the men of this fandom. I poke fun at metal and get told I deserve to die. I say ped*philes and creepy men are gross and get a swarm of middle aged men cursing at me. Had a guy cry about how men are shamed for liking bm and then he turned around and said some gross shit about wlw. Had a guy call me racist for liking a band he also likes (and despite him having no way of knowing my own race) and tell me the babymetal fandom doesn't need my kpop feminist bullshit, which is honestly a great description and I thought about putting it in my yt about lmao. Had a middle aged man unironically say he'd never seen a man be creepy towards bm but fans su and moa's ages calling them hot was creepy. The disillusionment....the level of unawareness is astounding. If you want to see screenshots of some of these comments they are fairly recent in my don't mind me tag; I don't want to see them anymore tho bc they're infuriating so I'm not going to look at them to post here.

Essentially I haven't looked at my channel since may bc men are exhausting and rude and refuse to examine the fandoms they're a part of no matter what. They're told by a woman of the fandom that she's had bad experiences personally and they all start crying about how it's either a lie bc they haven't seen it or unimportant. I did stop reading comments in may and I will never read another one again probably as a result of this shit. Trash men being trash are not worth my time and I refuse to give them anymore of it. I do plan on making more videos tho and let my ~feminist kpop bullshit~ live in their minds rent free.

I will also continue to make fun of metal and the creepy men in this fandom bc it's important and I'm a spiteful asshole who likes disrupting these dudes perfect bubble of a fandom. It genuinely brings me so much joy seeing all the new fans recently (which sidenote if you got into them recently I am kinda curious as to how you found them; I've gotten tons of new followers and considering how inactive they are rn I'm curious). People sending messages about how they finally feel like they belong or that they have a safe space....like I don't even know what to say and I never feel like my responses fully convey how genuinely wonderful that is and how thrilled I am that this is where we're at now and I have had at least some part in it. As this post shows, my experiences have been negative for the most part so the shift recently is such a relief I cannot even begin to explain my gratitude.

So to anyone who read all of this and hasn't disintegrated from the male bullshit, thank you. Keep being yourself and fighting for your place in this fandom, esp if you're a young woman; keep making fun of the creeps and keep making wlw memes!! Babymetal's music is in such a huge way meant for girls and to see more and more finding their way to this previously hellish beyond belief fandom is incredible.

#babymetal #don't mind me #this is long ok

[sinnabonka]

Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done? 

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on. 

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course). 

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth: 

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear. 

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection. 

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up. 

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably. 

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3 

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family. 

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing. 

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins. 

#the15yearshow #spn #destiel #cw #can suck my metaphorical dick #sinnabonka answers

[just-like-playing-tag]

Isabella

Asked by Anonymous. Thank you very much for the ask!!!

Favorite thing about her: She's one of the greatest villains I've ever heard of! She fulfills her role as Emma's nemesis magnificently. I really like how she made her own choices, even if they were selfish ones. We cannot all be Emmas. It's in the human nature the instinct to survive, and I don't blame her for that. It makes it also kind of sweet how she wants to survive for Leslie too- kinda mirrors how, after believing he had died, Emma and Ray wanted to survive for Norman as well. Isabella is determined in being the one who survives in the end, and I think that makes her really cool.

Least favorite thing about her: Eh it has to be how she treated Ray. Now, hear me out:

you know there's this kid who knows that him and his siblings are being raised in a farm. He knows none of them will survive their 12th birthday. He has to see the siblings he obviously loved (because that's what kids do, they love their siblings, no matter how much Ray tried not to get attached) being shipped once every two months. He had to go through all of this, while acting like everything was fine.

And you think "oh yeah why don't we treat him like a fucking animal that's obviously the right thing to do". Just. Girl what's your problem??????? His life was a nightmare, why did you had to make it even worse??????? She called him "dog". She made him hate himself more then the already did. She made it so that he'd never forget that his byological mother hated him. Really,,,, why. Why didn't that boy deserved the "happy life" you promised to give every child you rised. Why did you chose to fuck him up more that he already was.

Even worse, the thing is,,,, I know the reason she did it. It's because she knew Ray was her son, and she didn't want to get attached in any way. It's because him himself was born out of the system that had tortured her in every way. Because that too was probably the manifestation of a deep self loathing for all she had done and she kept doing. But still- woman, you're an adult. And he was a freaking five years old. All you had to do is not to add more trauma.

Uhm also I didn't really like how her redemption arc was handled- but for completely different reasons than the rest of the fandom. What bothers me is how easily they forgave her. I think it's easy to understand her actions when, as the reader, you know plenty about her pov; but I don't think a bunch of kids would forgive her that soon. I don't think they would consider her mom their (but I'm getting to that later). Sometimes the fact that you were forced to do some horrible things doesn't change the fact that you've done them- at least to the eyes of your victims.

Especially Ray. I love him but I really don't think he wouldn't have forgiven her. He'd been upset and thorned of course, but I don't think he would cry over his mother's body– why would he, all of his life she had never been one to him.

Favorite line:

Ok maybe this:

I love this scene, it may be my favorite of hers? I already mentioned it in the past, but I really like how after having lost, she actually makes an effort to protect the children. Even though it's a small step, and even though it's too late, she finally does something to love them as she wanted to. It may be a stretch, but even if that's not how thiss scene is supposed to be read... I still find her resolution amazing. Look at her, so stern and unshakable, like she was made of stone. I love and admire people who take responsibilities into their hands, that's how I aim to be.

But I also really like this. Her tired face. Her admitting her defeat. I don't know, there's just something really beautiful in how this panel was composed.

And this is nice as well, isn't it? All of the above (and under) still stand, but I like how at some point she gave up, and genuinely wished the best for the children. "Lights" metaphors are extremely cliché, but that doesn't make the any less sweet.

brOTP: I really don't know where this came out from but I think in a modern AU Isabella and Yuugo would bond really well just. I don't know. Ruthless bitches with actually a soft heart squad.

Another squad I love:

OTP: Ok totally not in canon, but Isabella / Krone sounds so so nice, I really love them.

nOTP: Bah nothing really.

Random headcanon: Through all the years she has been a mama, she has never ever cried. She's really not one to shed tears.

She really likes reading. She has read all the books of the orphanage as well, even though it took her longer then Ray (she read most of them only after she became mama)

Unpopular opinion: Ok everyone is going to hate me for this but. She has never been a mother to the children. Never. She was kind and nurturing towards them, of course! But honestly it's my opinion that a mother would always chose death over hurting her children. And like, I don't blame her at all for not doing so?? It's totally fine if she chose her life over the ones of countless children; some people think about themselves first, and I respect them for that. The survival instinct instinct is part of all humans, and that's ok. But what I mean is, stop acting as she loved her children as much as a mother would, because she didn't? It's a big part of her character - and it's also part of what makes her an amazing villain. What she was aiming for has always been surviving herself - for Leslie and all that stuff. You can't take off such a big part of this from her. She was determined to do everything to do that, even the most ruthless, bottle of things. She hurt children- but not her children. Those children were never hers, because she never loved them as a mother would.

(I'm obviously talking about mother as a motherly figure, and not as mother by blod– I understand perfectly not all byological mothers would be willing to die for their children, but in that case I just don't consider them mothers to them.)

Song i associate with her: OK LOOK THERE'S THIS ONE LES MISÉRABLES SONG THAT IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT EVERY SINGLE WORD SOUNDS LIKE IT'S BEEN WRITTEN FOR ISABELLA PLEASE GIVE IT A LISTEN

I Dreamed a Dream (performed by Caissie Levy) - Les Misérables

(Yes she's talking about Leslie) (Yes it's "He slept a summer by my side" because that's how time flee for her and "He took my childhood in his stride" because her childhood died with him) (Yes I'm crying)

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

[...]

But the tigers come at night,

With their voices soft as thunder,

As they tear your hope apart,

As they turn your dream to shame!

Also, Miss Honey's bridge in When I Grow Up - Matilda makes me think about a younger mama Isabella:

When I grow up

I will be brave enough to fight the creatures

That you have to fight beneath the bed

Each night to be a grown up

Favorite picture of her:

I like this... She makes it look like after decades of fake smiles, this is her first, true, heartfelt smile.

Sorry I'm very incisive tonight

And this!!!!!!!! The coldness, the power, the sheer determination!!!!!!!!!!!

Also love her unreadable face in this; she's so cool!!!!!!!!

Send me a character and I’ll list

#Thank you Anon for asking- and for your patience! #tpn isabella #tpn #the promised neverland #tpn manga spoilers #mine #My followers count after this: 📉 #Oh well sorry I'm just really not one to keep my opinions for myself once prompted #It's ok to discuss this tho! I'm always open to new opinions / change my mind