#also dick: *says that line on fucking national television*

[spicyspencerreid]

Just Friends|Part 5

A Timothée Chalamet Imagine: Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four

THIS TOOK ME SO LONG FOR NO REASON. Okay well lots of reasons. Distance learning is destroying me. Anyway I hope you enjoy!!!!

Female!Reader, Dancer/Actress!Reader, CoStar!Reader, FrenchSpeaking!Reader// 4,656 Words

Summary of part one, two, three, and four// Reader and Timothée are best friends. They are going to be costars on a new movie where Y/n plays a dancer and has a small, but still important, role, and Timothée’s a lead. There’s a storm and Y/n’s hotel is having issues, so she has to stay in Timothée’s apartment. She stays with him really realizes she likes him, then he starts dating Lily, asks to go out to dinner so everyone can meet her. Then they break up, boom Timothée and Y/n kiss. Now Y/n has been asked to go on Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts with James Corden, but their relationship is still secret.

Warnings// Grammar/spelling and lack of proofreading. FLUFFFFFFF!!!

Key: French writing (english translation), Y/n/n-Your nickname, Y/f/n-Your first name, Y/l/n-Your last name

(Added July 2020) Note: this whole series was written before Ansel Elgort’s allegations arose, and honestly, in the most disrespectful way possible: I hope he rots in hell. I ALWAYS stand with the victim, and if that’s going to be a problem, find another series to read. If the mention of his name is triggering to you, PLEASE do not read. If you or anyone you know has been sexually assaulted or abused, do not be afraid to speak up, but if that’s not the route you personally want to take: you can call 1-800-656-4673, available 24 hours every day and 100% confidential.

Not my gif (but isn’t it absolutely adorable): enjoy!!!!

It was 2:00 AM and you were pacing around the kitchen, but what you were really doing, was overreacting. And while you were overreacting, you definitely weren’t being irrational. This was a problem. You’d just gotten off the phone with Kelsey, you’re publicist who was in Rome with your assistant, Kelly, and she was beyond happy to inform you she’d already talked to Zendaya’s publicist and the both of you would be joining James Corden next week on his show. This would be completely fine if it was just a normal interview, you’d done many TV interviews, but no, Kelsey didn’t just sign you up for a normal interview, she signed you up for spill your guts or fill your guts.

It’d been almost a week and a half since Timothée had pushed you up against a wall and finally did what the both of you had been aching for almost a full year. You were going to tell Kelsey, not like you had any choice anyway: you guys were practically sisters, except it was also her job to know everything happening in your life. 

Why you hadn’t told her about it though, that was for two reasons. One being, you didn’t know how combined with the fact that she was in Rome and there was a six hour time difference. Not to mention you were barely able to tell Z and Ansel, who probably would’ve been able to figure out just by looking at you. The other reason being that you were just stubborn. You were annoyed everyone was right, especially Kelsey. You would never forget it if you picked up the phone, dialed her number, and spoke, “Oh hey Kels, yeah that interview you signed me up for, can’t do that. Why you ask? Well, it turns out you, my mom, all of my friends, our fans, and the whole word was very, very right. Timmy and I? Yeah, we sucked face the other day. You and I both know I have the world’s weakest stomach, so if I get forced to choose between downing a shot of blended salmon or answering a question about Timothée, we’re going to need to figure out how we wanna address everything. Because while I would hate to lie on national television, I would rather perjure myself in front of the supreme court than bite into an animal dick.” As for you and Timothée, it had only been ten days, five of which you spent together. To be completely honest, you were absolutely terrified the night after he kissed you. 

“YOU WHAT?” You backed your phone away from your ear as Zendaya screamed into it from the other line, “I’m coming over.” She hung up before you could say anything else. About ten minutes later your door opened. You were laying face up on your hardwood floor, staring at the ceiling, contemplating your existence. Ansel laid down on the right side of you, Z taking your left.

“So...where is he,” Ansel asked, Z. They were both giddy, and you were laying there like an idiot, unable to get the smile off of your face. 

“He has a photoshoot,” you sighed out, “he’s very pretty, needs to be photographed for the world to see.” 

“So what happens now?” Z asked the question that a voice in the back in your head had been screaming as she poked into your side; you instantly started laughing at the poke in your weak spot. That was your one worry, what did happen now? The kiss was quick, but you both knew it meant something, and you were beyond happy, but that didn’t stop your worrying. Worrying about the same reason that stopped you from making a move earlier. You wish you didn’t worry, but you did, the public had been shipping you guys together almost since before you met, but what about your friendship? It seemed easy, it really did, you were already practically dating, just without the kissing, the sex, and the formal dates or announcement, but what was going to happen when things got complicated?

Soon, your worries started to simmer down. The next day, you and Timothée went out to breakfast, as usual, trying to keep to your hands to yourselves as much as possible. Lily already released a short twitter statement, saying that the relationship just didn’t work out, but swearing that they were both on great terms and planning to stay in touch throughout their careers. She said she’d be disgusted by any comments coming after how fast or slow her and Timothée moved on from their relationship, considering the fact they weren’t even officially in a relationship or anything, and considering all the hate she’d received while being involved with him. You’d called her shortly after, checking up to make sure she was alright, already feeling pretty guilty even though you knew their breakup technically wasn’t your fault. She’d told you she was alright, excited to start her new modeling campaign, even telling you not to tell anyone but she was starting a clothing line. She also lightly hinted towards you and Timothée, acknowledging the way he looked at you, her little way of giving you both her blessing. A couple had speculated this was your doing, earning you some lovely little DMs on Instagram calling you a home-wrecker. You and Timmy talked, for a while, and you were just happy it wasn’t awkward. After that you walked for a little bit, deciding you would take your day off as a shopping day. He kept his arm on your back as he usually did when you walked around the streets of New York, even though all you wanted to do was hold his hand. You knew what you both wanted. It was a tiny jump, barely existent, the jump from friends to more for you guys. It was obvious how close you were, and dating wouldn't change much, but really all you wanted was one thing. Time. Not away from Timothée, or your friends, or any of that, but just time to be happy together before you guys told the public. A week and three days was simply not enough time. 

You had to have only been pacing for a couple of minutes when Timothée made his way over to you. You went over to his apartment a little bit after lunch. You were beyond tired after a physically and mentally draining Giselle practice, so the first thing you did was shower and put on the comfiest clothes of his you could find. He turned on a movie, and you fell asleep super fast, snuggled in his arms under a pile of blankets on his couch. But of course, you were both awoken by your phone ringing, and with a groggy voice, you excused yourself into the kitchen to answer Kelsey’s call. 

Timothée’s hands scared you, causing you to shiver at his cold touch. He placed them on your shoulders, stoping your pacing, “What’s up?”

“Nothing’s up. I’m just thinking,” you put on your best fake smile, but your best wasn’t good enough. 

“You’re pacing in circles. When you’re in deep thought, you pace in straight lines, but when something’s bothering you, you pace in circles,” he lightly rubbed your tense shoulders, calming you down, before lightly kissing your lower neck. You sighed, pissed off he knew you as well as he did. 

“Z and I have to go on James Corden,” he backed away from you, and his face burst into a bright smile. He instantly knew what was going on.

“Kelsey? Elle ne le ferait pas...(she wouldn’t...)” he was full-on laughing at this point.

“Oh, she did,” you covered your face with your hands, trying to hide a laugh. 

“Spill your guts or fill your guts? There’s no fucking way...” if anyone knew how weak your stomach was, it was Timothée. About three weeks after meeting him, you, Z, Ansel, and he all had drinks at Ansel’s apartment. You usually didn’t drink more than one glass, because of your weak stomach, but Z had just been nominated for an award. So, you had three, maybe four, and then threw up all over Timmy’s shoes. You were mortified, the event has happened in the early stages of your friendship, where you still had that little celebrity crush, but he just laughed really, really hard. 

“Stop, I already feel nauseated just thinking about it. What am I supposed to say about us?”

“You don’t even know if they’re gonna ask...”

“We both know something about you is going to be asked.”

“You’re right, but people want us to date, and Lily’s in Italy right now, I’m almost positive she has an Italian boyfriend there, so we don’t have anything to worry about,” he wrapped his arm around your waist, and your head found its way to his chest. You both stayed there for a while, thinking before he reached in your back pocket for your phone, he opened the phone app and handed it to you.

“I just...je voulais du temps,” (I wanted time).

“Moi aussi,” (Me too) he sighed, “here, you should call Kelsey back,” you backed away to meet his eyes, sighing as you typed in her number in from memory. He didn’t move from his position, keeping his arms around your waist and hands resting on your exposed back.

“Hey Kels,” you were hesitating, and she could tell.

“Y/n...what did you do?”

“Um, am I on speaker?” It wouldn’t have been the first time 

“Kelly’s with me, what’s going on?” Kelly was gonna love this. 

“Timothée and I...um,” dead silence on the other side of the phone, you knew she knew where you were going with this, she just wanted to here you struggle to spit it out, “we’re...together,” you heard a little yelp come from Kelly, she might be your assistant, but just like Kelsey, she’s only a year apart in age difference, which means she was also like another friend to you.

“Oh my- Y/n?! How long?” Kelsey must’ve been pacing now, you could hear the sound of her heels click-clacking back and forth. 

“Only a little over a week, I swear, I was waiting to tell you, and I thought I had time, but then that interview, and...yeah,” the sound of her heels stopped, and you heard her trying to stifle a laugh, “Okay, let’s hear it,”

“Y/n Chalamet, Y/f/n Y/m/n Chalamet,” Kelsey could barely get it out, and you could hear Kelly’s wheezing laughter in the background. 

“Kelsey!” You looked up to see Timothée smiling, you reached up to cover his mouth with your hand.

“No, no wait, she’s definitely a hyphen kinda girl,” Kelly grabbed the phone out of Kelsey’s hand and spoke, you were blushing hard now, “Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n-Chalamet, I like the way that sounds,”

“That’s enough-” your voice was interrupted by Timothée’s laugh, your hand wasn’t enough to stop him. You were never gonna hear the end of this.

“Oh my god is he there?” Kelsey yelled into the phone. You removed your hand from his mouth. 

“Hey Kelsey,” you glared at Timothée, hating how he was just egging them on. 

“He’s in your apartment?!” Oh god. This is probably the best day of Kelsey’s life. 

“Um no, I’m in his apartment,” not like that was any better.

“Is he...naked?” Kelly whispered through a giggle, earning another laugh from Timothée.

“No, oh my god. Focus, we have a real issue here.” You spoke through laugher.

“Okay, okay, we’re flying in tomorrow. Once we’re all settled and well-rested we’ll come over and draft a statement or something, and we’ll do some interview prep.”

“Great, I’ll see you then, bye,” a weight had been lifted off of your shoulder.

“Bye, oh yeah and...bye Timothée,” you hung up as fast as you possibly could. 

“What are we gonna say? The media will eat this up, twist it, and then spit it back out, and we’ve only had like a week to ourselves, and everyone’s gonna think you and Lily broke up because of me, no matter what Lily says, she can’t stop that response, and-” you were rambling again. 

“Y/n/n, it’s gonna be fine, I swear. We’re gonna figure out what to say if anything gets leaked. If anyone can handle this, it’s you and Kelsey.” He lifted you up by your waist and spun you around, making you laugh as he spoke, “Everyone thinks we’re dating anyway, so we’ll just explain that we were in denial, which we definitely were by the way, and then it’ll be fine, we’ll be happy, and the whole world will be sunshine and rainbows.” He was laughing with you now, as he continued to spin you in his arms. 

“Timothée.” you giggled and he put you back down, “Je suis serieux.” (I’m serious.)

“Je sais, je sais,” (I know, I know) his smile faded and he stared at you for a second before pulling you in for a hug and muttering in your ear, “mais tu es fou si tu pense que j'attends une autre année pour être avec tu,” (but you’re crazy if you think I’m waiting another year to be with you) You smiled and playfully rolled your eyes at his corniness, knowing the Y/n from a year ago would be going crazy if she saw this. 

“Can you still walk me home?” Growing up in the city still didn’t change the fact that walking home alone at 2:00AM would be terrifying.

“Mhmm,” he snuggled his head into your neck, “do you have rehearsal tomorrow?” 

“Nope,” you shook your head, trying to ignore the fact that he completely dodged your question, “les entraînements de fin de semaine sont annulés pour ce mois.” (weekend practices are cancelled for this month.)

“Then...you can stay here tonight and I’ll walk you home in the morning,” he presented the idea with a few nerves in his voice, you’d spent the night at his place before, but never without Z or Ansel, and definitely not in his bed.

“Okay.”

“Vraiment?” (Really?) You were quick to answer, maybe too quick. He almost thought you were joking for a second.

“What?”

“Well if I knew it’d be that easy to get you into bed I would’ve done it a long time ago,” you laughed and slapped his arm, pretending to be angry, “oh that’s how it’s gonna be?” He lifted you up and ran into his room, laughing as he playfully slammed you into his very comfortable bed. He climbed over you, pinning you down by the shoulders and attacking you with his lips, leaving wet kisses all over your face. One he finished his kiss assault on your face, his lips met yours for a moment, stopping your giggling at it source.

“If you snore, I’ll suffocate you with a pillow,” you pulled away for a second, threatening him against his lips.

“Considering you’re a dancer, I thought you mind find a more creative way to take me out.”

“Very funny,” you said it sarcastically, kissing him once again. You both naturally pulled away, fatigue kicking into your system. You fell asleep with your head against his bare chest, the sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep. When you woke up Timothée walked you back to your apartment. A day passed and Kelsey called you once again, saying she and Kelly were coming over to your apartment for interview prep. You decided not to release a statement or anything, which was not exactly what you wanted. You weren’t exactly the most go with the flow kind of person, you wanted a plan, and you didn’t exactly get one. To be fair, there wasn’t exactly a way for you to just say “no comment” on national television without being obvious about what was going on. 

When the night of the show came you were doing it again, pacing, but this time in your dressing room. You were extremely nervous, and Z was beyond tired of it.

“The sound of your heels is giving me a headache,” you stopped for maybe three seconds to glare at her before continuing, “it’s going to be fine, how much damage can you do in a ten-minute interview?”

“We’ve all seen people destroy their careers in less than thirty seconds,”

“Yeah, but you’re not an idiot, do you wanna call Timothée?” Her request was genuine.

“Hell no, that’ll make me ten times more nervous,” talking to Timothée now would only drive you more insane, he might know how to calm you down, but hearing his voice right before speaking in front of millions would be a dangerous game to play. 

“Whatever happens we know how to go into damage control mode, we’re prepared for this kind of thing,” Kelly spoke from across the room, “...not that that’ll be necessary.” For an expert in public speaking, her eloquence was largely lacking today. 

“Ladies, we need to take you over to the stage entrance.” Kelly fixed your hair, gave you a quick hug, and sent you and Z on your way. You heard your names being presented and felt your knees go weak. Z linked arms with you as you walked across, you put on the best smile you could and made your way to the table. James gave you a quick hug as you greeted him. You sat down and took a deep breath.

“Nervous?” James smiled at you, way too happy about this.

“A little...um...I have a pretty weak stomach,” you spoke through clenched teeth. Zendaya tried to hold back a laugh as you spoke.

“Weak stomach is an understatement...,” you gave her an angry look as the audience laughed along with James.

“I’m just admiring what I got myself in to,” you locked eyes with the fish eyes across the table right in front of you, “Is it okay if I...” you slowly turned the table over a little bit so the bird saliva was right in front of you instead, still not appetizing, but better than eyes. James and Z laughed at you and you laughed along before James went along with the introduction.

“So here’s how this game works, even though I’m sure Y/n watches lots of this in her free time,” he turned to you and laughed as you shook your head and sucked on your lower lip, a nervous habit of yours, “we have platters of lovely food here,” he turned the table and presented all of them, Z jabbing you with her elbow when he presented the salmon smoothie, “we are each gonna ask each other questions. We’ll choose the food, then ask. I will ask to Y/n, Y/n to Zendaya, and Zendaya to me. If you don’t answer, then you eat. If you don’t want to eat, you just answer the question. It couldn’t be simpler.”

“Okay Y/n, I am going to give you...”

“What’re you going to torture me with James?”

“I can practically feel how nervous you are, so I’m going to be nice and give you the shot of hot sauce, how’s that?” You winced a little bit, knowing it wasn’t the worst, but knowing you’d take any chance to get out of it, “You like spicy food?”

“About as much as I like stubbing my toe, James,” you laughed a little, earning laughs from the audience and Zendaya as well.

“So the question is...” he let out a little giggle as he read, pausing for dramatic effect, “You are very close to Ansel Elgort,” you smiled and nodded, knowing he was crying laughing at his television with Timothée right now, “which is your least favorite movie of his?” The audience let out a little oooh. You stared at the drink in front of you. You started to reach for it and James let out a laugh.

“Really?” Zendaya said, .

“Your hand is shaking, look at her hand shaking,” he motioned to the audience, really soaking this up. You picked up the glass before sitting it back down.

“You know, I’ve never been the biggest fan of Paper Towns,”

“That’s such a cop-out, that’s one of his smallest roles!” James poked fun at you. 

“What can I say? I love his movies. Cara’s lovely in Paper Towns, and it wasn’t a bad movie or anything, I just wanted them to end up together, not that that makes a bad movie, I was just disappointed with the ending...” you were rambling at this point and Zendaya was giggling at you try to justify yourself and not get a text from Cara Delavinge later, “I’m just a hopeless romantic okay?”

“That’s for sure.” Z was taunting you at this point, enjoying this way too much. 

“Okay then Z, let’s see..., what should I give you?” You had a mischievous smile on your face.

“Oh no...” Z could’ve begged, but she knew the damage was already gone. 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking bull penis?” You rotated the table, feeling less nervous as you knew you were only a couple questions away from ending the show, “and you’re question is...ah!” You let out a laugh.

“Spit it out, Y/n,” she playfully glared at you.  

“If you had to choose one cast member of the Greatest Showman to recast, who would you recast, and who would that be wi-” You didn’t finish as she picked up one of the bull penis and dropped it in her mouth. An uproar of applause came from the audience.

“Damn Z,” “Okay James, what should I give you?” She smiled at you before turning the table to James, hitting him with the scorpion. The next couple of questions were quick, you were only asked decently easy questions and were able to curve most of them, only having to drink a hot Cheeto smoothie, which wasn’t that bad. 

“Okay Y/n, you will be the last question of the night, and since you haven’t had to eat anything but that hot Cheeto smoothie, I think,” he turned the table, his eyes on the fish smoothie.

“No, James, I am begging you,” the pink drink sat in front of you. 

“Relax, you don’t even know what the question is and you look like you’re going to faint.” Zendaya squeezed your shoulder as James spoke through a laugh.

“She absolutely hates seafood. I tried to get her to eat shrimp the first night I met her and she was too sweet to say no, so she swallowed the whole thing and to this day I still have never seen anyone else regurgitate a whole shrimp, and I never want to, ever again.” You remembered that day, it was a rough, and embarrassing, night.

“It was so veiny and...shrimpy,” you nudged the smoothie away from you, earning some laughs from the audience.

“Okay Y/n, just answer the question and it’ll be fine,” he picked up the card, read it, and instantly burst into laughter.

“Oh no...”

“Y/n, you have been faced with dating rumors involving you and Timothée Chalamet for a very long time, and you have denied all of them,” you gulped as a pit formed in your stomach, “Lily-Rose and Timothée have concluded their relationship of maybe three weeks, so now that they are broken up, were you lying about your relationship with Timothée beforehand, and did it have anything to do with the break up of Lily and Timothée?” You sighed, maybe this question was easier than you thought.

“Wow, saving the longest one for last, huh? Well, Lily and I still talk and as far as I know, their break up was solely based on the fact that Lily was offered an exceptional job, and they just didn’t connect well, but really you should ask them about that, it’s barely my business,” you smiled, happy you were able to successfully answer the second half of the question, “and, as for the rumors: no, no I wasn’t lying. Every time I denied it, it was true.” 

“Was?” You gasped, not even realizing you’d made that mistake.

“Oh god, Y/n,” Zendaya sighed out through a laugh. She genuinely couldn’t believe you’d made it this far and then slipped up like that. You were asked a question about your past exes, only having a couple while in the public eye, and you still managed to curve it, so she had no idea how you possibly messed this one up.

“Oh shit,” you clapped your hand over your mouth after you realized what you said, and the audience up-roared into applause and gasps. Then, you remembered you cursed, and even though you cursed online, you weren’t supposed to curse on live television, and you were usually so good about it, “I am so sorry, I just cost the network money didn’t I?”

“Just a little bit,” this wouldn’t have been the first time a celebrity had cursed on his show, “don’t try to change the subject here,” his face was red from laughing.

“I’m not, I swear, I just don’t like being interrogated James,” you were laughing, but your heart was beating at a mile a minute. 

“So you and Timothée Chalamet are finally together?”

“Woah! Slow down James, I don’t remember saying that-”

“You didn’t deny it did you?”

“Wow, you should be a detective,” you giggled as you tried to figure out what to say here, “I...um...”

“You have such a way with words, Miss Valedictorian,” Z interrupted you and laughed, giving you a couple seconds to think. 

“I guess you could say...we’re...um...testing the...waters?” You were mortified. 

“Oh Y/n, come on, this is the most we’ve ever gotten out of this segment, you’ve gotta give me something here. I don’t even know what that means.” His face was red from laughing at this point.

“To be honest, I don’t either. I think I’ve already said wayyy too much. All I know is I don’t have to drink that disgusting cup of blended fish guts, and that is all that matters to me,” you sighed in comfort, even though your whole world was crashing down right in front of you, making the audience laugh.

“You got lucky with that one,” Zendaya was enjoying this too much. 

“You’re calling what just happened lucky?” The audience loved you laughing at yourself.

“And on that note, we are out of time for today. Zendaya and Y/n everyone!” The audience clapped and you quickly hugged James before getting off the stage as fast as you could. The second you made it back to the dressing room you plopped down on the couch and covered your face with your hands. Z was still laughing at you.

“How? How did you do that?” she was crying laughing at this point.

“It wasn’t that bad, right? Right?” 

“Y/n, it was hilarious, people are going to eat that shit up, Y/n”

“It’s all okay, Kelsey’s on the phone for you?” Kelly entered the room.

“Okay Kels, you’re on speaker. Give it to me straight, how bad?” 

“Bad? Oh Y/n, honey, people are in love with you and Timothée. Absolutely. In. Love.”

“Really?”

“There’s a video on twitter of you stuttering over your words and laughing and people are absolutely in love with it, over three million views already and it was just posted by someone a couple of minutes ago,” you could practically hear her beaming, “and then there’s another video of your eyes widening when James says Timothée, two million views. I already talked to Celine, she said Timothée’s going to release a statement on twitter tomorrow,” you sighed out of relief, “I told you Y/n: you’re loveable, Timothée’s loveable. No matter what you think, people want to see you two together. Now call him.”

“I will, thanks Kels,” you handed Kelly her phone back and picked up your own, dialing Timothée’s number in, he answered immediately, “Heyyyy Timmy,” you giggled into the phone.

“Hey Y/n/n, so much for time huh?”

“Yeah, so much for time.”

I thought this was adorable, and i am SO SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS TOOK. I think this is going to be the last chapter, unless you guys have suggestions for anything else I think this is a good conclusion. Seriously though, thank you all so much for the love on this, I can’t wait to write more, leave me some requests :)

Taglist: (THANK YOU ALL) @sspidermanss @fandom-food-fire​ @gigi-maria-argu @meaganl124 @danidomm​ @ewistel @booklover240​ @daygiowvibe​ @spiderdudetom​ @tom-hollond​ @ilsolee​ @iidontgiveafuckuniverse​ @plsdontfindthisblogpeople @antoouu​ @xahnah @ethevenly​ @doobdabdib @ahoyparkwr​ @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @bilesxbilinskixlahey​ @babybloomer​ @bluemoonsnail​ @kenny-0909​ @mysticalinsomniac​ 

#timothée smut #timothee chalamet #timothée x reader #timothée chalamet imagine #timothée chalamet #timothee and saoirse #timothée hal chalamet #timothee chamalet #timothee x reader #timothee fanfic #timothee icons #timothee aesthetic #timothee x you #timothee poll #armie x timothee #zendaya x reader #zendaya #ansel elgort #ansel x reader #just friends

[phcking-detective]

Not Alone

Nines decides if he gets put on hold one more time, he's violating the Geneva Convention.

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

The PACU nurse audibly sighs in disappointment. "I spoke with our Chief of Staff, and he has given me permission to reiterate to you that a work partner does not count as family. Our policy is—"

Nines involuntarily reviews the Post Anesthesia Care Unit's visitation policy for the sixty-seventh time.

Visitation in the PACU is at the discretion of the nurse and physician caring for you and varies depending upon your procedure. Once the nurse taking care of you is happy with your vital signs and other post surgical requirements, they will contact the waiting area and will let your family member see you. Our policy at this time is legal family members only.

Which is a currently-still-legal method of barring androids.

Never mind that this policy also has significant human collateral damage: adoptees, divorcees, mixed race families …

The end result is that Nines cannot produce a marriage certificate and he obviously is not related by blood, so no one will be there to greet Gavin when he wakes up from his surgery.

And that is unacceptable. The detective has enough abandonment issues already.

Connor cannot hear the internal phone call Nines is engaged in, but he has a social module and must somehow be reading the results from his body language or facial expression.

"Hank could pretend to be his dad," he offers.

The PACU nurse is still reading the visitation policy in full. She's clearly determined to make this as difficult as possible, and showing up with a random human male with pale skin and fair hair who shares nothing in common with Gavin's olive skin tone, dark hair, or facial features is not going to cut it.

Nines searches through every single scan and PDF of paperwork Detective Gavin Reed has ever submitted to the DPD. Finally, all the way back to carry-over paperwork from the police academy he attended, Nines discovers a phone number he's never seen before listed as Gavin's emergency contact.

And it says brother.

Nines uses the phone at Gavin's desk to call this number without mentally disconnecting from the PACU nurse. Normally, he would be more than capable of processing infinite phone calls, but he does not have a social module and his stress levels are climbing into the high eightieth percentile.

"Gav, you better be dying because otherwise—"

"Is that Elijah Kamski?" Connor blurts out in the middle of the precinct.

"—just fucking text me, bro."

"Well shit," Hank says. "Talk about can I speak to a manager. You think he'd be willing to fix—"

Nines holds up a hand. He does not have a social module and cannot possibly process three conversations at once.

"You are listed as Detective Reed's emergency contact," he says into the phone.

"Is he hurt or dead?" Kamski immediately asks.

Nines cannot reply for nearly a full second. He spent three seconds thinking his partner was dead. It was not enough for Detective Gavin Alexander Reed to merely get shot, no. He also had to fall off the roof of a building, and the impact from the landing was enough to briefly stop his heart, which registered to Nines's scanners that—

"Hurt. Surgery." That is all he can say at first. "Successful. He is out of intensive care and has been transferred to the PACU."

In the background, Nines can still hear the others in the bullpen gossiping. He did not mean to make Gavin's familial relationship public. He assumed the phone number for one "Eli Reed" would simply be a regular, non-famous human of no particular importance except to get someone into the hospital to reassure Gavin he is not alone.

"What does he need now?" Kamski asks. "Will he be released soon and need a ride or in-home monitoring?"

Those are [logical] questions. Nines supposes he should not have expected anything less from the man who is technically his creator. Even if he only wrote the code and was not personally involved in the android's construction or testing phase.

"I have already made those arrangements during his surgery," Nines reports. "His apartment is prepped for his return, and my lieutenant has put together a … care package."

"Is that the old guy, husky, beard? With that Connor I liked?"

Across the bullpen, Connor's advanced hearing picks that up, and he visibly preens. Nines practices making a facial expression by sneering and rolling his eyes at him.

"Yes."

"OK, cool," Kamski says. "So, do you need me to cover the cost of surgery or is he asking for me …?"

"I have been unable to contact Detective Reed," Nines admits. "The hospital's visitation policy specifies 'legal' family members only as a method of anti-android discrimination. You are the only family member I have been able to locate."

If you do not visit him, he will be alone.

Nines cannot say this dialogue option. He cannot—refuses to—preconstruct how [bad] it will be if Gavin wakes up alone. His human has a deep, psychological fear of being abandoned, and even if Nines is able to see him immediately upon release and explain the situation, the emotional damage will have already been done.

"Yeah, our parents are dicks, and he doesn't want any famous media bullshit, so we keep the half-brothers thing on the downlow," Kamski says. "Do you need me to be your way in?"

"Yes," Nines says, almost before he finishes offering.

"I'm just kind of assuming here that you're his partner, and he'll want to see you, right?"

"As I am assuming that he accepts you as his brother, and he will want to see you."

Kamski snorts. "I told them stripping out your social module wouldn't stop the deviant problem—or make you any less sassy. That's an inherent RK feature."

"Should I meet you at the hospital," Nines asks.

As much as he may be [curious] about his creator in another situation, this is not another situation. And the situation at hand requires getting to his partner's location immediately.

"Yeah, just send me the address and let me do the talking. See you there."

As soon as he hangs up, Nines is bombarded with [questions] from Connor, Miller, and Collins. Thankfully, Hank stands up and makes a pushing-hands motion to signal to them to be quiet.

"I know we're all real fucking shooketh about this," he says, like the millennial dinosaur he is. "But we can save all the questions and gossip for after Reed gets out of the hospital, all right?"

The humans both grumble, but they let it go. Even Connor stops and sits back down at his own desk.

Hank turns back to Nines. "I'll text Tina and let her know what's up. You just go get your man, kid."

Connor visibly restrains himself from commenting on what an apt descriptor "man-kid" is for Gavin. At least, that's what Nines assumes, considering it is the commentary he himself would normally make.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," he says instead.

He turns and leaves before the "goodbyes" can take any longer. Either whatever Kamski plans will work or … Well. He is the most advanced military android model ever created.

Nothing will keep him from his partner.

***

By the time Nines arrives at the hospital, Kamski is already utilizing his social module. And billions of dollars. The Chief of Staff [Thomas Carrado, unmarried, no arrest record] would wouldn't deign to speak to Nines over the phone is now vigorously shaking Kamski's hand while thanking him for his "generous donation."

"—also, I'm sure you'll want to see your brother too."

"Yes, and—" Kamski turns and [smiles] at Nines. "Ah, my assistant is here. What room should we go to?"

Carrado's own smile freezes on his face when he sees Nines. Even without the LED, there couldn't be any mistaking the android for what he is.

Kamski keeps smiling as well, the sort Connor does when he's about to verbally destroy someone.

"Right this way, Mr. Kamski," Carrado says.

The Chief of Staff turns on his heel without any acknowledgement that Nines follows them. In turn, Nines also does not acknowledge the glances Kamski keeps making at him. His vision is just as accurate in his "peripherals" as it is directly in front of him, so he has no need to turn his head or rotate his optical units to observe the human in turn.

Gavin's [brother].

"—in the nation, but with your esteemed patronage, I'm sure we can rise to first. And of course Mr. Reed will—"

"Detective," Nines corrects.

"—receive the best—"

"Detective."

"—care possible here—"

"Detective."

"—while—"

"Detective."

Carrado stops and whirls around. "Is your … assistant … experiencing a malfunction, Mr. Kamski?"

"No," Nines answers for himself. "You will refer to Detective Reed by his title."

"Oh, is he still pissy about that?" Kamski asks before Carrado can respond. "I swear, every single family dinner for a fucking decade, we had to call him Officer, Detective—he'll be insufferable when he finally makes Captain."

Bold of him to assume Gavin isn't insufferable now.

But Nines does not know the state of Gavin's relationship with his brother, and if the lack of contact is due to mistreatment. He will not risk "making fun of" his partner to a toxic family member.

"Will you be staying long?" Carrado asks Kamski.

"Nines, what does my schedule look like today?"

Nines may not have a social module, but Gavin has forced him to sit through watching enough daytime television to be able to parrot simple lines commonly said by ST300s.

"I have rescheduled your meetings and cleared the remainder of your afternoon and evening, Mr. Kamski."

As Gavin would say, [Like hell] he's going to call the billionaire "sir."

"Excellent." Kamski reaches out to shake hands again, and Carrado is forced to reciprocate. "Thank you so much for your assistance, Dr. Carrado. Now, I promise not to take up any more of your valuable time."

"Well, I'm not—"

Kamski gestures down the hallway, still smiling mildly as if he isn't "politely" telling the good Chief of Staff to [fuck off]. He maintains eye contact with the other human until Carrado slinks away.

It seems Gavin and Kamksi share more than just genetics and a similar facial structure then. Although Gavin would have squeezed the other man's hand hard enough to induce pain, and likely told him literally to fuck off as well.

"Well." Kamski claps his hands together once Carrado is gone. "Let's go see my baby brother!"

***

Gavin is dying. He's alone and he's dying. He's dying and he's alooone.

"Detective."

Person? People??

Hands touch him and it's the best thing ever. There's a person here, he has a person, he's not alone. He's not going to die alone because everyone hates him and it's all his fault for being a huge asshole in the first place.

"Please lie down, Detective."

Gavin stops struggling to sit up when he realizes the person is his person. His favorite person. He collapses back down in the bed, which hurts a lot more than it should. Probably because he fell off a fucking building and messed up the whole left side of his body and—oh yeah, also got shot too. That sucks.

It doesn't stop him from whining and making grabby hands—hand? his left arm and leg are both in casts, boo—until Nines bends over at the waist, and Gavin can drag his face close enough for kisses.

"Wooow." His brother says. "This is blackmail material forever, I hope you know that, Gav."

Wait, his brother? Eli??

"I will remove you from the premises," Nines tells him.

Eli scoffs. "My donation got you in here. Nines."

"And there is nothing on this earth that can remove me."

God, his partner is so hot and mean and cool. And he has a mouth! Gavin has a mouth too. They should … look into that. You know. Investigate.

"Hmm, and here I thought you didn't like my 'stupid toys,' bro."

Gavin stops trying to wrestle his mouth against his partner's mouth and looks at his brother, who is also in the same room as his partner, at the same time.

"Oh, shit," he says.

"Uh huh, uh huh." Eli nods and waves his hand in a sideways-circle. "Keep going. Either with an apology, or you can keep it up about how only a loser needs to build an android to have a girlfriend."

"This is different," Gavin says, very seriously while still leaning to the side to keep as much contact between his back and Nines's chest as possible.

Eli scoffs and gestures at the two of them.

"I don't keep him in my basement," Gavin argues.

"I didn't lock Chloe in mine either," Eli snaps back. "She's free to go where she pleases."

"Her and all her clones?"

"Oh, please. If I never invented her, you wouldn't have—"

"—lab is in your basement though, and that's—"

"Gavin," Nines says, voice right next to his ear. "Is your lack of contact with your brother due to this level of typical sibling fighting—"

"We're not fighting," Gavin says. "We're just talking and he's losing."

"You're the one dumb enough to get shot," Eli adds.

Nines straightens up. "Do not mock Detective Reed for being injured in the line of—"

"Whoa, whoa, hey." Gavin pats behind himself with his good hand as much as he's able. "Easy, babe. No combat protocols, OK? He's my brother."

"Hmm," Nines says.

"So he's like, super fucking annoying and all, but no one beats his face in except me." Gavin doesn't even pause before he turns back to Eli, who's already opening his mouth to bring up— "And you only got lucky with the water hose that one time, I can still kick your ass in any other fight."

Eli scowls, but he looks away instead of bringing it up. He still feels guilty about it. Goddamn genius, and he "didn't know" smacking Gavin in the face with the metal end of a water hose would bust his nose open like that.

Dipshit.

"You said you received your facial scar in a bar fight," Nines says.

Eli blinks, looks back over, then bursts out laughing.

"Shut up," Gavin groans. "You weren't supposed to meet like this, it's not fair!"

"How exactly did you plan on us meeting, Detective?" Nines asks.

Gavin keeps his right hand covering as much of his face as it can and doesn't answer. He hadn't really thought about it beyond how much Elijah was going to fucking gloat when he found out. And as much as he loves his partner, Nines is android-brothers with Connor, and they do android-mind-linking, and Connor is a horrible gossip, and Gavin does not need the entire precinct and/or world to know his brother is possibly the most famous man alive, thanks.

They have a whole arrangement about it. Maybe if he wasn't still feeling the effects of so much morphine, he'd be able to articulate that, and how he wants to be absolutely certain his career really advances on his own merit, and maybe even some other stuff about Eli getting way more attention than him and growing up in the shadow of his cooler, smarter, more popular half-brother …

Ugh.

"Ughhh," Gavin groans again.

"And when were you planning on finally texting me, huh?" Eli asks.

Gavin looks up so he can scoff. "You fucking text me, asshole."

Eli inspects his probably-already-perfect nails. "I've been busy."

"So have I!"

"Getting shot?"

Nines interrupts. "That reminds me." He leans down to growl close in Gavin's ear, "You will never do this again."

Gavin swallows back a moan. "Babe, please don't make me horny while my brother is in the room."

Nines rolls his eyes. "There is no other recourse for me to leave then."

He knows his partner is joking. He knows that. But between the morphine and the exhaustion and now the pain in his side slowly seeping back into his body—Gavin grabs onto Nines and clings to him.

Nines immediately bends back down and wraps his arms around him as best he's able. "Shhh. I will not. I am here, and I have you secure. Shhh."

He makes the shushing noises more like a stern librarian than a comforting boyfriend, but it's ironically comforting after all because Gavin knows no one else would literally say "shhh" like it's a word. So this must be his Nines, his boyfriend, his partner.

"Wow, this is really touching."

Gavin lets go just to flip Eli off.

"Can I get in on this snuggle fest? I haven't seen you in what, a fucking year now, and you get your dumbass shot."

Gavin grumbles about it, but he holds out his good arm for Elijah. The dumb asshole comes over and gives him a one-armed hug, careful not to wrap around too far and touch his side. Or his broken left arm. Broken left leg. Goddamn, he really did it this time, huh?

Once they've hugged it out, he pulls back and says, "Since I built your Nines, when he uses his combat protocols to kick your ass for this, that's basically like me kicking your ass."

"No way," Gavin immediately replies. "You haven't been able to kick my ass since we were ten, and don't—god. Don't phcking, say it like he's you about my ass. That's weird, bro."

Eli grins at him. "Oh, so you two are already doing butt stuff, huh? That's pretty serious, like third base."

"Anal is only second," Gavin tells him.

On his other side, Nines blinks red. "Then what … do you consider first?"

"Uh, a blowjob, duh."

"Wait, what's a handjob?" Eli asks.

"Nothing, between friends."

Nines blinks. "Then thank god Tina is not here."

Gavin looks back down at the bed. "I guess she's busy, huh?"

"No," Nines says as if that's reassuring. But he continues, "She is not allowed to see you. The hospital's visitation policy allows for 'legal' family visitors only."

Gavin looks back up at him. "Then how'd you get in?"

Nines scowls. It's one of the few facial expressions he's mastered. "I searched through every form you have ever submitted to the Detroit Police Department, found an emergency contact number listed for your brother from nearly fifteen years ago, called it, spoke to Elijah Kamski, and then pretended to be his assistant."

"But hey," Eli says. "After the amount of money I just donated, I could wheel in a giant birthday cake filled with Traci strippers, so I'm sure I can get Tina in whenever you're ready."

Gavin smiles weakly, but now he's thinking …

"Is that why you weren't there when I woke up?" he asks Nines quietly.

"It is the only reason," Nines assures him. "My next option after calling your emergency contact was to simply walk inside and see what they thought they could do to remove me."

He looks absolutely serious about it too. Gavin's smile breaks out into a grin, just imagining some poor fucking GS200 security guard nervously asking the most advanced military model ever made to p-p-please leave … sir? Wh-whenever you're ready though, no rush!

He gets the giggles, but then that really makes his side hurt. Nines helps him lie back down before he even realizes he's too tired to sit up anymore. He also gets petted through his hair and that's nice, that's sooo nice.

"I'm … love you," he mumbles.

"I know." Nines smooths his hair back one last time and kisses his forehead. "Rest now. You can talk to your brother more when you wake up. We'll both be here."

Gavin still clutches at him though. "And Tina?"

"Yes," Nines says. "And Tina. Hank too, although he will likely bring Connor."

"Ugh, Connor."

"Yes."

A yawn catches him before he can complain any more about that, and having a nap does sound really good right now.

"Eli, tell me what you're working on," he says, blinking repeatedly to try to keep his eyes open. "S'boring."

Elijah takes a seat next to the bed. "You mispronounced boyfriend, but OK."

"He's boring too," Gavin says, but like, in a loving way. "He filed my ta-a-haaaxes."

After that last yawn, he loses the blinking battle. Eli starts explaining something about a new form of titanium, and Nines keeps one hand resting solidly on the center of his chest, so Gavin knows he's there.

They're both right here.

***

***

this was a commission! my rates are $10 for 1k / $25 for 3k / or $40 for 5k, and you can also check out my patreon for my main reed900 series here ^^

#reed900 #gavin reed #dbh #dbh fic #dbh fanfic #my writing

[khaosfm]

          ‘sup  my  dudes   !  it’s  ya  boy  yves  sliding  into  the  group  after  eyeing  this  bad  boy  for  quite  some  time  ,  and  i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  .  i’m  not  even  gonna  lie  to  ya’ll  ...  this  intro  is  headass  as  fuck  and  my  son  is  hell  in  a  hand  basket  (  maybe  that’s  why  his  name  is  khaos   ?   lmao  ) .  anyways  ,  i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  and  to  introduce  ya’ll  to  my  son  ,  and  i’ll  be  sharing  my  discord  𝐝𝐨𝐣𝐚 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝑐𝑎𝑡 .#4437 just  in  case  anyone  would  prefer  to  plot  there  .  uhhh  ,  ya’ll  should  be  warned  that  this  intro  is  pretty  long  and  also  kinda  link  heavy  ,  but  you  don’t  have  to  click  them  if  you  don’t  want  to  !  it’s  mainly  because  i’m  an  extra  bitch  and  wasn’t  to  provide  ya’ll  with  VISUALS  .  

           chicago’s  very  own  khaos  banks  has  been  spotted  on  madison  avenue  driving  a  frozen  blue  metallic  2020  porsche  taycan  ,  welcome  !  your  resemblance  to  keith  powers  is  unreal  .  according  to  tmz  ,  you  just  had  your  twenty - fourth  birthday  bash  . your  chance  of  surviving  new  york  is  uncertain  because  you’re  austere  ,  but  being  debonair  might  help  you  .  i  think  being  a  virgo  explains  that  .  3  things  that  would  paint  a  better  picture  of  you  would  be  diamond  encrusted  grills  glistening  underneath  the  glow  of  club  lights ,  back  to  back  shots  of  patrón  with  pineapple  juice  chasers ,  and  the  swipe  of  an  american  express  centurian  card  out  of  boredom  .  (  his  parents  had  his  criminal  record  expunged  to  protect  the  family  name   .  ) 

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜  𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧  .

NAME :  khaos  maurice  banks  .

NICKNAME(s) :  kai  ,  or  nothing  . he’ll  gut  you  like  a  fish  if  you  try and  come  up  with  anything  different  . 

BIRTHDAY / AGE  :  september  17th  ,  1995  /  twenty - four  .

ZODIAC  :  virgo  .

GENDER  :  cismale  .

PRONOUNS :  he / him / his  .

NATIONALITY  :  american  .

ETHNICITY :  african - american  .

HEIGHT :  6′2″ ( six  foot  ,  two  inches ) .

LABEL(s)  :  the  lothario  ,  the  trust  fund  baby  ,  the  connard  ,  the  black  sheep  ,  and  the  sybarite  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

FAMILY  NET  WORTH  :  $3.67  billion  .

LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  :  english  and  portuguese  .

CHARACTER  TROPES  :  the  quarterback  ,  spoiled  brat  ,  millionaire  playboy  ,  socialite  ,  and  the  casanova  .

CHARACTER  INSPO :  ambrose  spellman  ,  daniel  king  ,  spencer  james  ,  aaron  jackson  ,  and  chris  mckay  .

𝐢. 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 .

          born  in  a  moderately  comfortable  home  in  chicago  ,  il  ,  marcus  banks  never  really  knew  what  he  wanted  to  do  .  he  could  have  been  the  first  in  his  family  to  go  to  college  ,  especially  since  his  father  went  into  the  army  right  after  high  school  and  his  mom  worked  at  a  mac  counter  in  the  mall  to  give  herself  something  to  do  instead  of  being  a  stay  at  home  mom  .  when  he  was  in  high  school  ,  marcus  was  the  quarterback  for  his  school’s  team  ,  but  he  had  no  interest  in  playing  football  in  college  .  he  does  end  up  going  ,  and  manages  to  get  himself  into  prestigious  hbcu  morehouse  college  in  atlanta  ,  georgia  .  marcus  discovered  that  he  was  unhappy  at  morehouse  and  dropped  out  ,  so  like  most  twenty  year  olds  with  nothing  to  his  name  and  a  single  ticket  to  new  york  ,  marcus  somehow  managed  to  get  a  position  as  an  intern  at  uptown  records  .

          marcus  worked  his  way  up  from  intern  and  eventually  became  a  talent  director  ,  and  this  is  when  he  discovered  his  own  passion  for  music  as  well  as  how  exciting  it  was  to  help  develop  talent  .  while  at  uptown  records  ,  marcus  had  a  hand  in  developing  a  lot  of  the  talent  from  the  90s  ,  such  as  jodeci  and  mary  j .  blige  .  marcus’s  time  at  uptown  came  to  an  end  when  he  decided  that  he  wanted  to  start  his  own  label  ,  which  he  called  kingdom  records  .  through  those  years  ,  he  helped  to  manage  and  produce  tons  of  popular  artists  from  the  late  90s  and  early  2000s  .  although  marcus  enjoyed  his  time  as  a  producer  and  he  watched  as  his  wealth  grew  ,  he  also  knew  that  he  wanted  to  have  a  wife  and  children  .

           he  married  his  wife  ,  jada  long  ,  after  they  met  when  she  came  in  with  her  girl - group  to  become  the  next  big  trio  .  while  the  trio’s  career  didn’t  take  off  ,  jada  managed  to  find  love  with  marcus  and  they  married  after  six  months  of  dating  .  after  being  married  for  three  years  ,  they  welcomed  their  first  child  ,  a  son  named  isaiah  born  in  1993  .  in  1995  ,  jada  and  marcus  were  originally  expecting  twins  ,  but  one  of  them  absorbed  the  other  ,  so  that  explains  why  the  couple  decided  to  name  their  second  son  khaos  .  the  couple  had  one  more  child  ,  a  daughter  they  named  mariah  ,  in  1999  .  marcus  and  jada  settled  with  their  family  in  los  angeles  ,  where  their  company  expanded  and  marcus  started  his  own  music  career  .

          originally  ,  critics  were  skeptical  because  he  was  known  for  managing  and  producing  ,  not  rapping  ,  but  he  released  his  debut  album  in  2001  and  let’s  just  say  that  critics  were  floored  .  the  album  debuted  at  number  one  and  went  2x  platinum  ,  earning  him  his  first  grammy  nomination  .  marcus  continuously  released  music  throughout  the  2000s  and  even  into  the  2010s  ,  which  has  earned  him  18  grammy  wins  and  received  the  commemorative  ‘ salute  to  industry  icons  ’  in  2017  .  marcus  has  since  retired  from  music  after  touring  a  few  times  ,  and  now  mainly  cites  himself  as  a  businessman  .  he  is  the  head  of  banks  enterprises  ,  which  is  the  umbrella  com[any  for  his  restaurants  ,  fashion  line  ,  liquor  brand  ,  and  he  eventually  went  into  television  production  as  well  .

          as  for  their  son  khaos  ,  he’s  got  a  sick  case  of  middle  child  syndrome  .  while  growing  up  ,  he  always  felt  overshadowed  by  his  brother  who  went  into  the  music  industry  and  even  by  his  younger  sister  as  she  had  a  natural  talent  for  gymnastics  .  when  he  was  in  high  school  ,  khaos  played  football  because  it  made  sense  ,  but  he  wasn’t  as  passionate  about  it  as  his  father  .  football  was  never  an  interest  to  khaos  ,  and  he  never  had  an  interest  in  attending  college  for  it  either  (  sound  familiar  ?  )  he  wanted  time  to  figure  out  who  he  was  and  things  of  the  sort  ,  but  his  dad  was  a  stubborn  man  who  barely  let  him  decide  what  he  wanted  despite  the  fact  that  he  allowed  it  for  his  other  children  .  khaos  never  really  knew  how  to  tell  his  dad  that  he  didn’t  want  a  life  as  some  pro - baller  ,  so  he  started  hanging  around  the  wrong  people  .

          when  it  started  , khaos  primarily  hot - boxed  in  his  car  with  his  friends  ,  stayed  out  for  far  too  long  ,  and  occasionally  got  busted  in  the  mansions  that  were  up  for  sale  in  their  neighborhoods  .  to  him  ,  it  was  all  fun  and  games  ,  but  the  laughs  came  to  a  halt  when  his  father  picked  him  up  fueled  with  rage  and  his  mother  had  tears  in  her  eyes  because  he  was  ‘  headed  down  a  dark  path  ’  .  of  course  ,  khaos  never  took  heed  to  what  his  parents  had  to  say  about  anything  ,  so  he  continued  to  act  up  (  you  can  get  snatched  up  )  and  when  he  was  eighteen  his  parents  had  had  enough  when  he  was  placed  on  probation  for  two  and  a  half  years  for  reckless  driving  and  drag  racing  .

           the  heads  of  the  banks  household  decided  that  they  would  have  khaos  complete  his  probation  in  chicago  ,  and  was  made  to  stay  with  his  grandmother  for  the  duration  .  of  course  ,  khaos  was  mad  about  it  ,  but  he  decided  that  he  wouldn’t  stay  in  chicago  once  it  was  over  .  he  was  supposed  to  return  to  california  ,  but  somehow  managed  to  convince  his  parents  that  he’d  be  better  off  moving  to  new  york  ,  and  so  they  let  him  . 

𝐢𝐢. 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 .

now  ,  he  lives  in  new  york  and  pretends  like  he’s  the  ‘ changed ’  son  that  his  parents  want  .  in  reality  he’s  just  doing  whatever  the  hell  he  wants  because  his  parents  made  sure  that  the  media  didn’t  discover  that  he  was  going  in  and  out  of  jail  and  on  probation  for  a  period  of  time  .  he  mainly  lives  the  life  of  a  socialite  ,  taking  random  excursions  around  the  world  when  he  feels  like  it  and  popping  up  in  the  tabloids  because  he’s  having  another  club  night  escapade  .  

𝐢𝐢𝐢. 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲  .

khaos  is  pretty  much  the  epitome  of  a  spoiled  rich  boy  .  he’s  really  arrogant  ,  and  thinks  highly  of  himself  but  he’s  not  really  in  your  face  about  it  .  it  mostly  can  be  seen  in  his  aura  /  his  energy  as  he’s  not  much  of  a  talker  in  the  first  place  .  he  doesn’t  brag  or  boast  about  himself  or  his  family’s  wealth  because  well  ...  there’s  no  need  for  that  .  as  soon  as  people  hear  the  ‘ banks ’  last  name  ,  they  automatically  know  who  he  is  .

he’s  the  most  charming  man  !  he’s  really  chill  and  he  really  likes  conversation  ,  so  watch  as  he  fills  it  with  compliments  but  mainly  to  get  what  he  wants  .  if  he’d  being  honest  ,  he  gets  his  charm  from  his  father  ,  even  though  he  doesn’t  really  want  to  admit  it  ,  and  he  gets  his  incredible  sense  of  humor  from  his  mother  so  chances  are  ,  he’s  gonna  get  what  he  wants  .  

uh  ,  he’s  an  asshole  ,  too  ?  like  he  tends  to  think  he’s  not  ,  but  he  doesn’t  really  care  for  his  dad  and  borderline  would  beat  his  ass  if  he  had  the  chance  to  .  he’s  not  an  asshole  outright  where  he’s  a  standoffish  dick  face  ,  but  khaos  does  have  his  moments  where  his  temper  won’t  be  as  mellow  as  it  usually  is  .

𝐢𝐯. 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬  .

his  family  owns  a  few  houses  around  the  united  states  .  they  have  their  main  house  in  hidden  hills  ,  their  house  in  chicago  ,  two  vacation  homes  in  aspen  and  southampton  ,  and  a  more  ‘ modest ’  home  in  beverly  hills  .  khaos  lives  in  a  loft - style  duplex  condo  in  greenwich  village  .

it’s  my  dream  car (  rip  to  tesla  ig  lol )  ,  but  khaos  drives  primarily  a  porsche  taycan  .  it’s  the  main  car  he  drives  in  nyc  ,  but  back  home  in  california  he  has  a  fleet  of  cars  ranging  from  a  range  rover  ,  bentley  bentayga  ,  rolls - royce  phantom  ,  a  ferrari  548  italian  spider  ,  and  the  beautiful  bugatti  chiron  .

his  fashion  sense  is  primarily  streetwear  .  he  likes  to  dabble  into  luxury  sportswear  as  well  ,  but  mainly  sticks  to  brands  like  supreme  ,  commes  des  garcones  ,  balenciaga  ,  vetements  ,  supreme  ,  off - white  ,  alexander  wang  ,  etc  .  

this  is  so  headass  and  it  fits  his  aesthetic  lmao  ,  but  khaos  wears  a  an  eight  tooth  grill  (  both  top  and  bottom  )  every  single  day  .  ofc  he  takes  them  out  to  be  cleaned  /  brush  his  teeth  ,  but  he  never  leaves  the  house  without  them  and  they’re  valued  at  $45k  each  .

mostly  because  he’s  annoying  ,  his  favorite  thing  to  eat  is  cronuts  and  he’d  literally  fly  back  to  los  angeles  for  the  vegan  cronuts  at  donut  farm  .  that  being  said  ,  he  is  vegan  but  not  annoying  about  it  ...  at  least  i  don’t  think  he  is  lmao  .

a  feminist  !  specifically  ,  an  intersectional  feminist  and  he's  gone  to  the  women’s  march  in  nyc  every  year  since  he  made  the  official  move  ,  and  uh  ,  probably  got  arrested  during  a  peaceful  protest  when  the  ab*rtion  bill  became  a  thing  .

#wealthyhq:intro #i still have HELLA to do #so i'll be messaging and / or responding to mssgs #after i do my theme and such !

[tessatechaitea]

Wonder Twins #5

Jayna just punched straight through her brother's butthole.

If you're a being who turns into water, your dick and butthole don't just disappear, right? They just become part of the water! So I'm almost certainly correct in my comment on the cover. Hopefully Mark Russell will explore this topic in a future issue. Until then, I'll be certain to tell everybody I know that Jayna basically fisted Zan. Luckily for the Wonder Twins, I don't know many people and also they are fictional characters. This issue is called "Magic and Games." I think. It will probably take me less time to read this entire comic book than it took me to puzzle out the word "Games" in the font used for the title.

Sure, you can see it now that I already told you what it was! But it was difficult before I worked it out! Although I still wouldn't be surprised to learn the title is "Magic and Galljes" or "Magic and "Gaines" and that the second word is somebody's name.

Usually I don't comment on Mark Russell comic books because to comment on a Mark Russell comic book, you should probably be smart and serious. Sure, he's having fun and writing an entertaining book that I can easily use to make jokes about fisting incest! But he also writes sensitive stories about social justice and systemic bias and ethical dilemmas in changing times and, well, other stuff that I'm too dumb to even discuss in the most general terms! He's a smart guy which is why I hate him with a burning passion! But it's a good hate! It's the kind of envious hate that pushes me to my own Emerald Twilight! I probably won't wind up destroying an entire town and ruining my reputation and becoming the most vilified hero in our universe but I almost certainly will eventually become the avenging spirit of God judging everybody around me! Wait, I think I already am that! Whatever my point is, it's that Mark Russell writes good and I'm too weak to not despise him for it. Polly Math has just won first prize at the science fair because her last name is Math. I guess Sandra Science didn't compete this year so Polly was the obvious next choice. Jayna wins second place because her project on fucking hot guys while being a nerd in high school fell apart when the guy she attempted to science fair fuck turned out to be a villain. It's also possible I'm confusing story lines but you have to expect that kind of thing! I'm not spring chicken! Remembering details between chapters that come out a full month apart has been nearly impossible for the last twenty years! I shouldn't make fun of Polly Math's name because I have a name that people always try to make jokes about too. It's not Grunion Guy! You can probably find it if you do even the smallest amount of Internet research! I'm not going to help you though because I don't want to get called a Deaf Chef anymore! Polly is upset that her father is working with Lex Luthor and the League of Annoyance. But Jayna has a plan to fix things! I bet her plan is to turn into a giant tortoise while Zan turns into an ice dildo and...wait a second! Why am I giving out good ideas that Mark Russell will just steal in a few issues?! Better to not speculate on things! Also, I mean, the cover shows Jayna going with the shark plan.

Okay fine! I'm finally interested in Fox News!

The most disturbing thing about people who watch Fox News is that they ignore five hundred other channels that are showing entertaining things on their television at the same time! Who chooses that shit over Comedy Central or the Game Show Network?! I haven't had cable for nearly twenty years and whenever I'm staying somewhere with cable, it's locked on the Game Show Network 24/7! Who the fuck chooses to watch state propaganda over old game shows?! Fucking psychopaths, that's who!

Polly Math's father wound up working with Lex Industries because only Lex Luthor hired African Americans, I guess? Hadn't he heard of STAR Labs?! Maybe Silas Stone and Sarah Charles fulfilled their quota?

I might be misreading this scene but I don't think I am because the white guys with white guys playing golf pictures behind them seem interested in Filo Math if he's Norwegian (so, you know, totally white!) and then when they meet him, they don't want to hire him. It could be that they really are concerned with his specialty! What could that be?! I mean, it can't be any worse than Silas Stone's specialty of turning his son into a cybernetic example of the castration of the black male in America! That's a really terrible specialty! Although Sarah Charles seemed to be pretty into it. See?! This is why I can't review a Mark Russell book! He's making a great point about the systemic bias inherent in corporate hiring practices and I'm not taking it seriously! I mean, he isn't either, really? He's being light-hearted while still making a good point. Which is what I've done, I think, in my comment about Cyborg's lack of a penis! The Scrambler wants to play a trick on society. He's a magician that believes people are frightened of magic and only like the part where everything is normal again. Magician: "Is this your card?" Audience Member: "Why yes! Thank God you picked my card! I was worried I was going to have to live in a world where my card wasn't picked!" Maybe I'm not comprehending his point. Anyway, The Scrambler wants to do a trick where things don't ever go back to normal! He's a monster! Imagine picking the Three of Clubs and nobody ever showing you the Three of Clubs ever again! Ugh, I'm feeling faint. To save Polly's Dad from definite prison time (or possibly, if Superman shows up, an eternity in the Phantom Zone. As if Superman can be bothered with Earth's judicial system! Pshaw!), Jan has challenged the League of Annoyance to a duel at the zoo. I guess if she wants to stress out all of the animals there with a big battle, who am I to judge? I mean other than being the real life version of Hal Jordan's Spectre, of course! At the zoo, Jayna recruits a bunch of Australian animals to help fight which goes as spectacularly as you can imagine it would. And what I mean by that is that a koala is blown to bits. But I guess that's worth it in the grand scheme of getting Polly Math's father to stop working with the League of Annoyance. It's like that philosophical conundrum about an ant that sacrifices its life for even the tiniest amount to better the world. It's just an ant! It practically owes it to the universe to die for nearly nothing! What does this koala bear expect? It should get to live in luxurious confinement at the zoo and not die for a trivial reason? Stupid koala bear. Go fuck yourself, you selfish bastard. The Wonder Twins defeat two out of three of the League of Annoyance members at the expense of just one koala's life and the bruised jaw of an innocent kangaroo. The third member, some woman with a Kryptonian cell phone whose name maybe I should remember, gets away to go regroup. Sylvia is a racist that joined the League because she didn't like the demographics of her small town changing. She's startled by Filo entering the League's headquarters to pack up his stuff and winds up zapping him like she zapped the koala. Okay, I guess the koala isn't as dead as I first thought. I should have realize a Kryptonian phone is probably sending everything to the Phantom Zone. So once again, I, the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, was correct when I speculated that the worst that could happen to Filo was prison or the Phantom Zone! I'm the smarterest! Sylvia is caught on camera zapping Filo Math and then messes up in an interview when she kind of admits to having maybe zapped more than one black person with her phone off-camera? It's a real public relations nightmare!

But Lex can fix it! His greatest strength is turning public relations nightmares into public relations wet dreams!

Lex News turns Cell Phone Sylvia into a national hero. Because anything is excusable if you just say how scared you were! I mean, as long as you're white! It's scary being white! Sometimes you have to kill people with your legal gun while standing your own ground after confronting somebody for the most inconsequential reasons! It's just the way the world works! At least in America! Happy 4th of July! Just in case some readers weren't smart enough to get that everybody blasted by Sylvia's phone went to the Phantom Zone, Mark Russell supplies us with an image of Filo and the koala and a bunch of Sylvia's other victims (hmm, all black! But that's probably just a coincidence!) in the Phantom Zone. Polly, at the end of her rope with doing the right thing in an unjust world, decides to contact The Scrambler. I can't wait for her big magic trick to fix the world! The Scrambler's big trick to fix the world is to threaten to scramble everybody's identity. Everybody's minds will switch around so that they're now in different bodies. That means the powerful might wind up being the poorest people in the worst poverty. And the only way he won't do it is if the powerful fix the world in thirty days. Seems like a good plan! Except I'm curious to see how they fix it. Most people's ideas of fixing the world rely on the current world still existing somehow. So the fix is handicapped from the beginning by needing to be built on the ruins of the old system. To truly make a new system that works, the old system must be completely razed to the ground. But nobody has the stomach for that. So we make exceptions and compromises, building the new structure on top of a rotting foundation. It's why DC's Universe fixes always fail. They rely on making things new and better but need to remain rooted in the past. Crisis on Infinite Earths was built on a world that still contained members of Infinity Inc. who suddenly didn't fit in the world anymore. So DC then had to do Zero Hour which told new origin stories but still refused to throw out everything that came before to simply start again. Even The New 52, which people hated because they felt it did exactly what I suggested (razing the shit to the ground), didn't work because, I believe, it didn't go far enough! It still accepted Superman had died. It still accepted all of Green Lantern's past. It still contained a Batgirl who was shot by Joker and became Oracle. It was still the DC Universe but with arbitrary and subtle changes that made no real difference except the jettisoning of a ton of history. So it didn't work for anybody! Um, anyway, my initial point was that real life political structures and social dynamics and economic systems can never really be restructured in a meaningful way because they have to kowtow to older ways of thinking and doing things. The comic book stuff was just easier to write about! I'm sure Mark Russell will figure it out! Or he'll just have The Scrambler and Polly Math arrested and nothing will work out like it should and it will just be the punctuation on the idea that everything fucking sucks. Yay! Wonder Twins #5 Rating: A+. Come on! Everything Mark Russell writes gets an A+! It shows how smart I am!

#Wonder Twins #Mark Russell #DC Comics #Comic Book Reviews

[safflowerseason]

veep rewatch - 2.08

Season Two, Episode Eight - First Response 

aka - The One Where Catherine Doesn’t Eat Meat 

I’ve always thought Selina’s dress in this episode was a really interesting choice…it’s unmistakably feminine, like everything she wears, but even more so, she looks domestic in it, with the short black cardigan over her shoulders and the flared skirt. It’s like she’s stuck in the fifties waiting for her husband to come home. The contrast between the reality of Selina and her dress is quite jarring. And on a purely stylistic note, black and blue together is not a typical color combination. 

Oh my god Allison Janney, she is so great in this role. I wonder if she auditioned for this or they wrote the part with her in mind or what. Seeing her and JLD together on screen is just, like, too much iconic talent for my brain to handle. 

Janet Ryland’s assistant, meanwhile, is a dick.

And Catherine in a truly hideous top that looks like she’s wearing old curtains. I wish we could have seen Selina react to Catherine’s decision to wear it for an interview on national television. It’s funny that she even allowed Catherine wear it in the first place. 

“I’m taking this class where we debate current issues through movement.” 

“…This is a bell.” 

“It’s D.C., you can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.” 

Hearts of Power: D.C’s Most Influential Couples. I would absolutely buy this book. In my version of Dan and Amy’s future, Dan’s goal is to get him and Amy featured in the follow-up…

I have no idea how these kinds of interview segments are traditionally shot…but so far this one seems to be filmed in an extremely disjointed and disorganized manner. 

The cut of Amy’s suit jacket is clearly designed to hide Anna Chlumsky’s pregnancy, and yet it’s interesting that the top and the skirt are in different colors, because it breaks up the line of the outfit in a strange way. 

Love the reveal that Mike, Amy, and Dan are stuck guarding (and therefore listening in) on Selina and Andrew’s conversation about email and casual sex.

Selina: He’s just going to get his stuff *mouthing to Gary*…in my bedroom. Gary: Oh no, oh no… Dan: *to Amy* Oh, Andrew’s been veep-fucking?! And you knew about this?! 

It’s interesting that this, of all things, is the development that officially makes him want to quit. Although I guess managing the terrible PR of Selina getting involved with her sleazy ex-husband doesn’t sound fun at all. Also noteworthy and hilarious that Dan is constantly announcing to Amy his intentions to leave. Like, jeez Dan, try to be a little more subtle about wanting her to go with you.

Ugh, Jonah is so creepy when he hugs Catherine. *shudders* 

Janet: The resolution took less time than you anticipated! Selina: Well, it took all the time leading up to this time. 

Mike munching on a carrot in the background of the lunch scene. 

The twisted family dynamics of the Meyers are on full display in this episode, as well as the degree to which Selina’s team is inseparably entangled with them…Catherine goes to Gary to remind him about her vegetarianism, and Selina demands that Amy step in and talk to Catherine when she can’t deal with her anymore. And Amy’s ready and willing to do it. 

This is the only explicit mention of Amy’s disordered eating habits as a teenager. There’s been a lot of discussion about this recently, so I won’t rehash it all in great detail (I finished this S2 rewatch, like, back in June, and just post these little recaps randomly). Suffice to say, the show is wise to drop the thread. As opposed to 2.04, the idea of Amy having an eating disorder is obviously played more for laughs here, and the point of Amy and Catherine’s exchange is about the lengths to which they’ll sink for Selina, rather than the reality of struggling with disordered eating. 

Andrew: I don’t like to brag. Janet: Not about cooking, anyway…

“I think knowing that my mother had to be available twenty-four hours a day really taught me not to be so demanding as a child.” 

The severity with which Cody Mitchell just snaps and goes off on Amy is deeply disturbing to watch in 2019. And no one in the room really even blinks at this man insulting her in an explicitly sexual way. It’s only when Amy chooses to defend herself against him that people feel they have to step in, and Dan’s just back there laughing in disbelief at the “sunshine” comment (and then he gets his evil-heart-eyes expression watching Amy furiously rant at Cody.) In contrast, his reaction to Cody’s earlier “gremlin” comment is a lot more subdued and wary, like he’s watching to make sure it doesn’t escalate. As much as I love Dan attempting to soothe Amy, and the bit with the graph…the greater context of their little exchange just comes off so dark to me now. 

“Okay, okay, you do not know anything about me. You think that this is easy, what I do?! Yeah, having 10,000 interests screaming in your fucking face the way that I am screaming in your face right now all day, every day?! I am fucking good at this!”

Dan trying to restrain Amy by pulling back on her arm is the same move he uses outside the abortion clinic. Why do I torture myself like this. 

So cute how Dan joins in on Mike’s song.

Mike: Use the Force, ma’am. Selina: I don’t even know what that means. 

Amy: Big and bold, what do you mean? Like a medley from Okla-fucking-homa?  Dan: Look, I tried to wake her up, okay? I have no choice but to be the fucking curveball. (Dan is so hot when he takes charge.) 

I feel like Selina lying on national television is a bigger risk than the show acknowledges? But then again, those who know the truth have absolutely no incentive to contradict her. 

“Now, sometimes you have to act. Always you have to listen. Because in politics, a backbone and a heart are only as good as your ears. And my ears are my livelihood.”

Dan-Amy parent watch (there hasn’t been one in a while!): Both of them trying to lie to Catherine about what her parents are doing upstairs. (This is reaching a bit, but they’re so cute and awkward about it, I cannot resist). 

#veep #veep rewatch #2.08 #first response #selina meyer #amy brookheimer #dan egan #mike mclintock #gary walsh #jonah ryan #use the force ma'am #this is a bell

[everymovie2020]

Assassination Nation (2018)

Date watched:  9 December 2018

I had no idea what this was about going into it.

I had never read any reviews/watched any previous/seen anything about it at all. I saw it available for download and clicked on it on a whim, going off the plot description.

And to be honest, I watched it a few days ago and I'm still trying to digest what the fuck I saw.  I also have no idea how to write a coherent review about this movie because… I was so completely bewildered/horrified/traumatised that I'm like… I don't even know what to say?  Did I like it, or didn't I?  Can I even put into words what it's about?  I'll try.

So I will try to put down my thoughts on this movie under a cut, because… spoilers. Obviously.

Brief plot:

Four hot girls are the central protagonists to this movie, and everyone else revolves around them.  Lily is a cute blonde who is kind of dating Bill Skarsgaard, but he's also being a total dick to her?  But she's dating him nonetheless.  She's also carrying on an affair via text/Snapchat with a guy called "Daddy", though it's half obvious who that is from the first ten minutes of the movie.

Bex is transgendered.  She's been text-flirting with a hot footballer, who she hooks up with at a party, and then he tells her that nobody can ever know.  So he's sort of a dick.

Sarah and Em round out the foursome, though they are more supporting players in this. At one point I think it's revealed that they are sisters?  But honestly, I don't even know.

All of these teenage girls go to school, text, flirt, have sex, take drugs, drink, fight, argue, put up with the nonsense of boys and men, give a lot of sass, etc etc.

The first half an hour of this movie was a horrifying look at the world that teenagers now live in, which is so far removed from my reality (back in the "olden days" of the 90s/early 2000s).  I mean, the technology alone, like… fuck, I am so glad I missed all of that. Honestly.

Then the mayor of the town (aptly named Salem) is hacked, and all of his private stuff is made public, and it turns out he likes a bit of a gay orgy (who can blame the dude?) but he's conservative, and so instead of facing it, he goes on TV and shoots himself in the head.  Very Bud Dwyer-esque (that's a real life political suicide reference there for you).

Then the principal of the school is hacked, and all of his data – innocent though it is – is made public, and twisted by the public, who disregard the facts in order to sensationalise the story (does this sound familiar?).  He's called a paedophile and demanded to resign by a public in a frenzy, though it's never clear who these people in the frenzy are – he seems to the face the same, faceless, angry scrum that the mayor faces, but we never get a good look at them. Townsfolk with pitchforks, maybe?

Then, as if things aren't bad enough, the hacker releases the data of a bunch of other people in the town – pretty much everyone – and that's when things go from bad to worse.  Suddenly there's a cop at the school, letching at the four girls as they walk to their classes.  People are accusing each other.  Everyone's dirty laundry is now made public.

Bella Thorne gets her head bashed in with a baseball bat by her best friend because she did something to her, I can't remember what.  Lily's texts/pictures with her "Daddy" are suddenly made public, and even though she's smart enough to keep her face out of the pictures, her boyfriend goes full psycho and strips her at school to show a birthmark on her back. Bex's chats with her footballer are public as well, and suddenly he's in the firing line for sleeping with a transgendered woman.

Lily's parents find out about the sexting and throw her out of her house.  The guy she's sexting – Joel McHale – loses his wife and kid over it.  Then Lily is revealed to be the hacker (she's not, though), and the whole town is out for her blood.

Suddenly the town goes from quiet and peaceful to mob violence in like a second, which is the part I found hardest to believe, but whatever.  It reminded me a lot of the Ku Klux Klan/Nazi rallies, stuff like that.  Fucking scary.

The girls are holed up at the very window-y residence of Em and Sarah and their mother, and it's then that things become truly terrifying – masked men are creeping around the windows, stealthily breaking into the residence, all with the intent of murdering Lily and the four girls as publicly as possible.

Like, I was genuinely on the edge of my seat during this whole scene.  It was the most intense feeling of dread I have experienced watching a movie in a long, long time.

The girls are separated, the mother is killed – Sarah and Em are dragged out to a police car and mobbed by a group of masked townspeople, all while the police officer keeps shouting about how the "good people of Salem won't stand for this," – it is skin-crawling stuff.

Lily manages to make her way to Joel McHale's house, but he thinks she leaked the info and so he goes full-psychopath and tries to murder her, but she manages to kill him and escape.  There's also a dead body in the bathtub?  I guess that was his wife?  I genuinely don't know.  I think I might've asked the television, "Who the fuck is that?!" but the TV didn’t answer me.

Now Lily's pissed off, and she's got a shotgun, because Joel McHale had a fucking arsenal at his house.  So she loads herself up with weapons and heads out.

Meanwhile, Bex has been snatched by the football team who are literally going to force her football player to lynch her on a light pole, because… of course they are. Thankfully the footballer realises he's wrong and won't do it, but by the time the others are going to do the job for him, Lily has freed both Em and Sarah by killing the cop, and the three girls roll in and start gunning down the entire football team.

And then there's a riot, and a bunch of people fall in behind the girls, and then… it turns out that Lily's brother was the hacker, and he did it for the lulz.

And then I was like… huh.

I don't know if I liked this movie.  I was certainly engrossed in it, and it held my interest, but honestly, I don't think I ever want to see it again.  It was very disturbing, which I know is the point, but still… a lot of it was really unpleasant to watch.

I mean, I know, social commentary and all, Donald Trump, the alt-right, etc etc, but like… I need movies to be escapism and this was like being thrown into a boiling hot vat of 2018 social commentary acid.

This is not to say it's a bad movie – it's not.  It's just really fucking hard to watch, and the whole time I was just thankful that I'm not a teenager now, because… fuck that.

#assassination nation #2018 #movies #movie review #odessa young #abra #suki waterhouse #hari nef #joel mchale #bill skarsgard #maude apatow #bella thorne #anika noni rose #yep #glad i'm not a teenager

[dontfeedthebabytigers]

Being a Superhero

Summary: Wally West watched as Dick Grayson was shot in the chest on national television. Now, he has to sit in a waiting room hoping that Dick pulls through.

ao3 link

Being a superhero fucking sucks sometimes. No one ever told Wally when he was a kid that getting powers and being able to run around the world in less than a second would land him in a hospital waiting room. No one said that all those powers didn’t count for anything when the person he cares for more than anyone was shot on national television. That was the worst part of being a superhero, being human. These two lives are sides of the same coin that were never meant to be put together. Wally knows that now more than ever. Because Nightwing can go to the Watchtower and get the most advanced healing technology available, but not Dick Grayson. No, Dick Grayson goes to Gotham General. A hospital both understaffed and overcapacity. If Nightwing had been shot the Flash would be getting instant updates, but Wally West gets to sit in the waiting room--- one he doesn’t remember running to--- without knowing if his best friend was dead or alive.

Wally can only guess what he looks like. Pale skin, bloodshot eyes, still hands--- though anyone with knowledge of his powers would know that his hands were just shaking so fast that they appeared still. He has no idea how long Dick has been in surgery, and every time he looks at his watch Wally remembers that it fazed through his hand and broke on the ground. There was a clock somewhere--- it’s a hospital, there must be one nearby--- but Wally can’t even look around to find one. Not when the television in front of him is playing the news and he is stuck watching the same footage of Dick being shot over and over again.

The reporters have about as much information as Wally. Half-an-hour ago, Richard John Grayson, son of billionaire Bruce Wayne, was shot on a televised fundraiser for the orphanages of Gotham. The shooter’s in custody and being interrogated by Commissioner Gordon. Bruce Wayne is across the Pacific for a business deal, but Wally knew that Batman’s actually off-world for a mission. Someone will need to call him.

Unable to do anything to help, Wally keeps watching the same news report and hoping for it to relay some good news. They have nothing new to report, no facts, just speculation as to why someone would want to shoot one of Gotham’s darling sons. A photo of Dick from a few years ago filled the screen, back from when his adoption was made official. He had made fun of Dick for the ridiculous pose that was supposed to look natural, and he had to avoid a punch when he asked about Dick’s modeling career. Now his heart looks at the photo and aches to see that smile one more time. Wally needs a better last image of Dick Grayson than the one he got.

He can’t have the last image in his mind of Dick be him, limp on a gurney, eyes closed, tears track on his cheeks. Wally knows that Dick had to play up how much the gunshot hurt, but getting shot was never painless. With no Batman to impress, and no one nearby to comfort him, there was no way all of those tears were just for show.

Fuck. He needs to move, do something useful. All he wants to do is to put on his Flash suit and go beat the hell out of the shooter, but there was no reason for the Flash to care about Dick Grayson. The next best thing would be to run around the entire world until he couldn’t anymore. But to be doing that would mean leaving Dick alone, and even if no one here would give him any information about him, or let him talk to Dick’s doctor, Wally wasn’t about to abandon his best friend.

Friend. Wally stopped feeling like Dick’s friend a long time ago, but not in a necessarily bad way. It was odd, but ever since he came back Wally hasn’t been able to think of Dick as a friend like he once did. The word just feels claustrophobic. They had known each other since they were children. Wally has laughed and cried with Dick; he’s yelled in his face until he runs out of air. Dick sees every possibility for Wally’s future, and Wally can do the same for Dick. He can see Nightwing running the JLA, and Dick falling in love.

Dick Grayson can make him angrier than anybody in the world. He’s too reckless, too self-sacrificing, and too oblivious for someone so smart. He praises everyone but can never let himself off the hook. He’s easy to anger and his eyes are too blue. He knows everything about Wally, the way he moves, which comedians he finds funny, and the story behind each of his scars. He’s too much, but somehow, right now, he’s not enough. No, they’re not enough.

Wally puts his head between his knees because he can’t take this anymore. The news anchors keep putting up those posed photos and gushing about the sweet child that had survived trauma, but they didn’t know Dick. They have never seen the night terrors that have made sleep allusive since before Wally had met him. While they are correct to report that he was a police officer, they don’t know that after he takes off one uniform and he trades it for another every night. Dick’s too good for this Gotham and its sister city. He’s too good for Wally, though he would never agree with that.

Out of the haze, Wally feels his phone vibrate in his back pocket and notices that it has been for a while. He slows the tremors in his hands and pulls his cracked phone out of his back pocket and saw a rush of text messages and missed call notifications.

Roy Harper 15:37: HOLY SHIT are you watching the news?

Kaldur 15:37: Wally, please call if you need someone to talk too.

Roy Harper 15:39: Are you there?!?!

Artemis Crook 15:45: are you okay?

Aunt Iris 15:47: I just heard about Dick. Do you need to talk?

Kaldur 15:50: Batman has been notified he is on his way back.

Uncle Barry 15:51: Call me back.

Roy Harper 15:53: Answer me West! He’s my friend too.

Jason Todd 15:57: I know you’re there. Wait for Alfred, he’s almost there. Tim and I will handle everything else.

It’s only been twenty minutes since Dick was shot. Wally feels like he’s been sitting here hours, but it’s only been twenty minutes.

That’s when everything gets loud. There are people screaming out hundreds of questions, and he can catch Dick’s name on dozens of reporter’s lips. He looks up and spots Alfred pushing his way past the press that swarm him and the door, and he’s on his feet again walking towards Alfred. Maybe he yells at them, but soon he has Security Officers with him to help Alfred inside and get the reporters away from the hospital doors.

“Thank you, Mr. West.” Alfred speaks with a slight tremor he has never heard from him before. “I can usually deal with those vultures, but I fear that I may be compromised.”

I want to tell him that he’s not alone. They have both seen Nightwing get downed a hundred times, but never something so public. Never when Nightwing was vulnerable as Dick Grayson has to seem. He wants to tell him, but he doesn’t get the time before a nurse arrives and escorts Alfred to a private waiting room. Wally tags along on Alfred’s assistance--- even though the hospital staff seems reluctant.

The nurse tells them that the bullet hit Dick’s heart and punctured a lung, but his heart was still beating when he arrived. He said that Dick had also lost a lot of blood, too much. Dick was in surgery, but it was too early to know anything else. They should sit tight and wait for the doctor. Wally didn’t notice when they left. All he could think about was how Dick had been shot in the heart, that beautiful heart.

Lost in his mind, he did not notice Alfred had made a phone call until a phone was put in his hand. He looks up at Alfred and sees the worry lines on his face deep, and he sees eyes full of concern. Alfred says something to him, but the words don’t click. Wally just puts the phone next to his ear because that is what you’re supposed to do.

“Wally,” It’s Barry, but that doesn’t make sense. He’s off-world with the Justice League, with Batman. Oh. “Kaldur told the League everything. Are you okay? You weren’t answering any of my calls.”

Wally takes a moment to remind himself how to speak. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Alfred told us everything he knows about Dick’s condition, and he’s going to be just fine. People have come back from worse. Hell, Dick’s come back from worse when he was thirteen.”

Again, Wally knows this. He knows what Nightwing has been through, what Robin has been through, but this is just different. It’s undiscovered land that he’s traveling without a map or a compass.

“I can’t lose him, Uncle Barry.” Wally’s sounds weak, and he is. But Alfred puts a hand on his shoulder and he feels strong enough to continue. “I just got back. He can’t leave.”

“He won’t leave you. I promise.” He pauses for a moment. “Listen, we’re about to wrap up here and then everyone is headed straight back. The second we get back we’ll have Doctor Midnight take a look at him and make sure everything is okay. Can you stay with Alfred until then, make sure no reporters give him a hard time?”

Wally nods before remembering that Barry can’t see that. “Yeah, I’ll stay with him.”

“Okay, that’s perfect Wally,” Barry stops talking again. “I have to go, but we’ll be back before morning. Don’t lose hope, and don’t ignore your phone.”

A new voice, a deep one, comes over the receiver. “Keep him safe until I get there.”

“You know I will Bruce.”

The line goes dead and Wally hands the phone back to Alfred. Wally hears the ways Alfred’s bones creak when he sits and thinks back to a time when they were all so much younger. Back when Dick would jumble the English language for a laugh, and before their relationship had been so god damn confusing.

He wishes he could go back to that time when they sat on the rooftop of the Manor. What were they? Wally must have been seventeen, Dick nearing fifteen. Dick had been fighting with Bruce with an increasing frequency and needed a break, so they watched the stars and didn’t say a word. After about an hour, Dick had grabbed his hand. Wally looked over at him and saw something different in his eyes, a whirl-wind of emotions that swept him away. He had been so lost that he hadn’t noticed that Dick had gotten so close to him and blurt out that he was moving away for college the next year. Dick had been enraged, the gentle storm turned into a hurricane and they screamed and argued. That had been their last fight before Wally moved away with Artemis for college.

He almost forgot about that look in Dick’s eye, all the memories before the fight were blurry. Now that he was thinking of it, Wally can’t help but think of all the other times he’s seen the same look directed his way. When he rambled so fast that Dick lost track of what he was saying, or when they were hanging out playing video games. There was no real rhyme or reason to it.

Alfred’s voice jerks him from those thoughts. “Thank you for being here, Mr. West.”

“Don’t worry about it, if it were anyone else Dick would be here with you.”

“I don’t doubt that. My grandson has a large heart, though I’m sure you are more aware of that than any of us.”

“We’ve known each other a long time.”

Alfred nods, but there’s a glint in his eye like he knows a secret that’s only his. “I’m old, Mr. West, older than I ever thought I would be. Because of that I have seen a lot of friendships come and go, and you two are not friends. Not with how you look at each other when the other is looking the other way.”

Wally’s brain freezes in place. His hands stop shaking, and for the first time in his life he is still. “What are talking about?

Alfred grabs his hand; he looks at Wally with kind eyes. “I think you know.”

How can he? Alfred is making no sense. He says there is a meaning to the way Dick looks at him, and how Wally should know something about that. There wasn’t anything there. Sometimes Dick just looks at him, and Wally doesn’t see anything in that. He doesn’t think anything of it, just feels the fluttering in his stomach and uncomfortable heat in his face.

“I don’t understand.” Wally says, and his throat was tight for some reason.

Alfred pats his knee like he was a child. “You will someday, but don’t wait too long to figure it out.”

Wally doesn’t say anything, and they lapse to silence until the Doctor arrives. His report is factual and cuts straight to what they wanted to hear. Dick is alive, and he will be for a long time. The bullet had injured his heart, but they were able to fix the damage before it was too late. They put him on heavy sedation until his lung heals more and breathing became easier for him. Wally and Alfred are allowed in one at a time for five minutes each, and after that they could return the next morning for visitation hours.

Alfred went in first to check on his grandson, and when he came out there was a mixture of grief and relief that sat heavy on his features. He pulls out his phone and begins making calls, but Wally doesn’t stick around to hear them.

Dick’s room was pale and monochromatic from the little amount of sunlight remaining. The clock on the wall said it was almost eight o’clock now, Dick had been in surgery five hours as they tried to get the shrapnel out. The strain that his body has been under shows. There bags of blood and saline that connect to his arm and an oxygen mask on his face, and his skin and hair are lifeless. He looks dead, but Wally holds on to knowing that he isn’t and won’t be while Wally is still alive.

The bandages on Dick’s chest were perfectly wrapped, so Alfred must have checked to see that Dick’s wound was stitched to his standard. Other than the bandages, the sheets were also void of wrinkles. Alfred must have spent his five minutes micromanaging every aspect of Dick’s room; Dick had always told him that Alfred tended to tidy when he was worried. The only inconsistency was the chair pulled up to Dick’s side, and that chair was the one that Wally finds himself sitting in.

He can’t stop himself from grabbing Dick’s wrist and feeling his pulse and finding Dick’s steady pulse brings his own down. Wally doesn’t know why, but his free hand begins to push Dick’s hair away from his face. His hand lingers where it cradles Dick’s face; his thumb strokes the side of his face where he had seen tears hours ago. Any thought of the shooter, or the fear of losing Dick, was gone now. Dick was tangible and right there, and he would give cent he had for Dick to open his eyes and look at him like that one more time. All he wanted for Dick to laugh with him, at him. He wanted Dick to lose his temper, and he wanted Dick to watch the stars with him and lean a little too close. Wally wants him. He loves…

“I love Dick Grayson.” He whispers and can’t help feeling a little betrayed because he would have liked being part of that decision. But he doubts that people get the choice to love a man like Dick Grayson, and he thinks that maybe he is lucky enough that Dick may love him back.

“You can’t die, Dick.” He tells Dick, because he can’t die. Not now. “There’s so much about this life that I hate. I hate how all of my friends young, how I can’t see the faces of everyone I failed to save because there are just too many to remember, and how I have to lie to every person I’ve ever met. Being a superhero fucking sucks, but you make it bearable. You can’t die because I can’t do this without you, Dick. I am head-over-heels, over the moon, and every other possible cliché in love with you.”

“You mean that?”

Wally jumps when Dick’s raspy voice rises above the hiss of oxygen. His eyes open and that look, the look of total devotion, falls over him. The nurses must have not given him enough sedative--- they didn’t expect a billionaire’s son to have a tolerance.

“Hey,” Wally’s voice doesn’t break into a sob, but it’s a near thing. He must be smiling like an idiot, but he can’t bring himself to care. “Are you in any pain?”

“Did you mean that?” Dick insists. He looks so tired, but he also seems determined to stay awake. Wally loves his stubbornness.

“Yeah, I do.” Wally says, and Dick smiles with the same lovesickness that Wally new he had.

Dick tries to lift a hand to touch Wally’s face, but he isn’t strong enough. Wally catches the hand and lays it back down so Dick won’t pull out the IV’s in his arm.

“Don’t,” Wally murmurs. “You need to heal. Besides, we have all the time in the world.”

“Kiss me,” Dick speaks soft, and Wally wants to do what he asks for. But he can’t stop looking at oxygen mask. “I’ll be fine. Please, Wally.”

“You’re too reckless.”

“You love it.” Dick says with a grin, and now Wally can’t help himself.

He’s gentle, gentler than he has even been in his life when he lifts the oxygen mask and kisses Dick Grayson. It’s everything that he’s ever needs, but never knew he wanted. It’s slow and patient, too perfect. When Wally pulls away it’s too soon, but he can see that Dick is tiring and replaces the oxygen mask.

“Go to sleep, Dick. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Dick fall asleep as Wally strokes his thumb on the side of his face. Here, watching the man he loves sleeping safe under his watch, Wally feels a little lighter. Because finally he sees the bright side of being a superhero, falling in love with Dick Grayson.

#miranda writes #dick grayson #wally west #birdflash #fanfic #young justice

[mulansays]

Hello, my dear readers! 

So, I’ve been a little missing in action this week, haven’t I? Well, I can’t say much on the topic without losing my job... Let’s just say, there may or may not be a debut in the works for a few of the kids at the company I work for. This means I’m spread out fairly thin and working at weird hours of the night on minimal sleep, so please be patient with me as I try and balance my job and this blog!

Enough about me. It’s been almost a week since the MGA’s episode four, and boy do I have some things to say.

Let’s start with Team A as usual. I had mixed feelings about this team, mostly because I’ve never tried to hide my disliking of a certain member here. While he turned me off of the group, I still do especially enjoy the rest of the members! In the last episode, we really got to see Jinhee shine as a dancer and leader, but with this performance, I realized that her vocal ability is really average… I guess it’s okay because she’s such an extraordinary dancer. I was shocked with her wig though; was she trying to be Hannah Montana or something? It was kind of lame. If you’re going to go for pink hair, commit to it like Junmyeon and Jonghyun did instead of doing some odd wig show. I’ll be honest, a lot of this team didn’t leave an impression on me, which is sad because last week I mentioned how amazed I was by Jeno and Hyunjin’s dancing. There was nothing special about the choreography. I have to say though, Hyunjin articulates very maturely for such a young kid. His speech inspired me, and if he were to grow older and join an idol group, that’s some leader-worthy pep talks right there. He also pulled off a tough rap decently, so I think I like this kid. I was relieved when Jeno was eliminated rather than him (sorry, Lee Jeno!) I thought Jonghyun should have been the one to go home instead, but I’m not exactly going to she tears over the decision.

Team B was… such a mess. While Guanlin was cute with his heavy accent, he impressed me with how much his pronunciation while rapping had improved. It wasn’t perfect, but it was certainly better than before (and maybe even better than my Korean had been within the first few months of moving here).  Kim Bora really deserved the leader title here, and I hate this whole “leaders can’t be repeated” because obviously, if you appoint someone who’s unfit to lead, your team is screwed. God, my blood has never boiled more than when I saw Junhoe’s attitude. Being a group leader is no joke, but he treated it as if it didn’t matter? I wanted to slap him and send him off the show. When you’re an idol, you can’t act like that, especially in the public eye. There’s a fine line between being mysterious and being a dick, and he crossed that by miles. I’m happy Bora whipped him into shape, but even then, to me it felt like he was trying to have all the spotlight. Besides that, I felt bad for Donghyun and I hope his foot is okay. He really can’t dance though, so thank God they did an easier choreography (yet he still managed to mess that up but whatever). Oh, I almost forgot to mention Wonwoo LOL! Seriously, he got no screen time and he has negative stage presence, so can you blame me? I was hoping for him to get eliminated this week, but then this team ranked 3rd… I was disappointed. I don’t think that weak performance deserved to rank that high. The song choice was fun though.

Team C… Okay, this is going to sound real bitchy, but like, has anyone else noticed how weirdly Yoongi talks? It stuns me every time, and I know it’s not his fault, but sometimes I just want to plug my ears when he opens his mouth. I was pleasantly surprised, though, to see him evolve from an awkward guy begging Hyuna for help, to a proper leader. Though, she carried him through it like a baby, but still, he was standing on his own two legs by the end. Speaking of Hyuna, can she just stick to rapping instead of mediocre singing? I know people were freaking out about it but she’s really just… LOL. I’m really glad Minhyung got eliminated this week. Compared to the rest of his team, he’s so lacking, and I hate using age as an excuse, but he was too young and immature to be in the competition. There are others around the same age, but they have mental maturity, whereas this kid runs out when he gets frustrated? He would never last long in the industry with that mindset. I hope he fixes that before trying again. Other than that, you know I just have to comment on Kim Doyeon. She looks like a natural on stage, and she really has it all: a pretty face, perfect proportions, charisma, vocal ability, and she’s a good dancer. Share that, please, Doyeon? As for Moon Bin, I think he deserved more screen time. Maybe he’s just boring, I don’t know, but I was sad. He has a lovely voice and stage presence. MNET, do the kid some justice!

You guys probably know that one of my least favourite contestants was in Team D. Yes, I’m talking about Minatozaki Sana, and this episode really didn’t give her a redemption arc in my heart. She still has an attitude about losing out to someone else on her team and doesn’t even try to hide it. It just makes the whole team atmosphere feel awkward when she sulks, and it made me uncomfortable to watch. Even when Haknyeon tried to cheer up (so sweet, by the way, and was he flirting a little or am I imagining things?) she was so… I don’t want to dislike her. Sana is a good dancer, but she just feels really fake and bratty. Pfft, and MNET tried to edit Yerim to have that personality but they edit Sana so you feel bad for her. I won’t be fooled though. This team also had another case of poor leadership. Jungkook had the title, but he treated it exactly like that—as if it was only a title and didn’t hold any responsibility. I’m pretty sure I said this last time, too, but he has no stage presence whatsoever! As a dancer, that’s so vital, and it’s probably the biggest flaw to have. I wasn’t surprised to see him eliminated. Oh, and Choi Youngjae… He’s such a good vocalist, but he can’t dance, so I wonder why the team chose such a dance-centered song. On a happier note, Longguo’s cat is so cute. Him and Haknyeon being cat ladies made me smile because it’s so relatable and their friendship is adorable. I really like Joo Haknyeon. He’s a flower, quite fitting with the concept. Not only was he a sweetheart to every contestant on the team, but he also gave his best. Even though his nose bled, he kept practicing by himself to make sure his performance was perfect. I’m amazed.

I don’t really have much to say about Team E. They barely had any screen time. There wasn’t anything memorable from these participants (whether scandalous or not), despite the fact that they chose such a powerful song. Maybe that’s where they went wrong. Choi Yoojung danced and rapped well, Kyungri held her own while dancing and singing. Lee Luda was really naive at the beginning, thinking the dance would be easy. At least she wasn’t the worst dancer in the group though—I think she’s rather average, enough to blend in. Plus, she doesn’t need to dance when she can sing like a goddess. Taehyung was really lacking. He was an okay leader, but all he can do is rap. His dancing was atrocious; why did he agree to such a hard choreography anyways? Personally, I think he should have been eliminated instead of Juyeon, because out of everyone, Juyeon was the most well balanced in every aspect. I’m sad to see him go, and I wish him the best of luck.

Can we just talk about Team F’s introduction? Ha Sungwoon called himself “bananappa” and that made me cringe so hard. Was he on crack? LOL kidding, but seriously. That’s so weird. His nickname aside, I think he made a really good leader. The thing with Sungwoon is that he really supplied a positive atmosphere with the group. Watching their interactions, you could see they were genuinely happy and friendly, whether they were practicing or not. It was quite refreshing, really, which I guess is why they gave themselves the name “Fresh and Fruity” or whatever it was. I’d like to see this group of people debut together, in all honesty. They have a good balance: Sungwoon as the main vocal and leader, Mingyu as the main rapper, Jinsoul and Yerim as lead vocals and dancers. It’s also a perfect ratio of females to males, so they could be kind of like the co-ed group KARD? Anyways, there’s not much to say about them because they were so good and I really enjoyed the performance (another story within a choreography, Sungwoon seems to be good at that). I definitely think they could have been third place; I don’t know what’s wrong with the CEO’s. The dance to Shine isn’t all that hard. Rather than being a good dancer, you just need charisma to pull off the trendy moves in the chorus, and everyone in this team (especially Jinsoul) have enough. Shout out to Yerim, though, who MNET decided not to evil edit this time, instead cutting her out completely. We see you and your hard work. All in all, I thought this team was doomed since Lee Minhyuk pulled out of the competition last minute (you’re really going to let your group members down? Okay), but they did well.

Buckle in for the wild ride that Team G will take you on. I really wasn’t ready. So, there’s an obvious elephant in the room: Lee Sungyeol. In my last post, I talked about how I thought he was too old to be an idol now, and I still stand by it. If anything, this episode only solidified my opinion. Really, what kind of an aspiring idol has a fucking kid? And he so shamelessly showed it off on television for the whole nation to see. Has anyone ever seen an idol that’s freshly debuted, have a toddler? It’s insane! If you have one, at least try to hide it. Already, his age sets him apart from everyone else, along with his lack of skill (Sungyeol is an average singer at best, he can’t dance, and he barely has stage presence). But like, dude, you really want to pursue a career as an idol when you have a kid to take care of? You’ll have no time for the kid, will barely see them, and idols don’t exactly make the most money unless you hit it big, which he definitely can’t do. You need a steady, reliable source of income or else your kid will suffer. Kick him out of the show already!

Now, we’ll tackle the next problem of this team: Kim Chungha. I was really rooting for her, but she’s not much different from Sungyeol. She so blatantly exposed her relationship with Koo Junhoe, as if she wanted to brag? I know she was crying and all, but at least call a female friend and vent! Or if it’s a male, let it be someone who’s not a contestant! Or vent away from the cameras��this is ridiculous. I’ve never been so speechless. And all this after seeing Junhoe’s slacking off makes me wonder, was he late because he was fucking Chungha in the bathroom or something? LOL! They both lost my support. Soojin was my favourite leader out of this episode; she showed dedication to helping Sicheng with his vocals, while still keeping it light and fun. She can dance and sing as well, which we all know I love a woman with many talents. Sicheng was a really good dancer as usual, and Somi too (both their vocals are still lacking though so I hope they work on that). The performance was good overall, so I’m okay with them ranking second. By them, I mean Sicheng, Somi, and Soojin: the three S’s. The other two are such a big NO from me.

I can’t dwell too much on Team H. Not only am I exhausted and sleep deprived, but my heart broke with this team (I think you guys know why). Yongsun seemed to be a really good leader. She’s very funny and likable, not afraid to make a joke out of her weakness in dancing. Plus, she’s one of the best female vocalists on this show. Her and Daniel dancing together was hilarious, I have to admit. They have good chemistry as, like, the Beagle Line of a group. I was also surprised that everyone on this team can play instruments? It’s a coincidence you don’t really expect, and the fact that they utilized this surprise is so surreal to me. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I have a thing for bassists and Kang Daniel plays the bass (what fate is this)? And the bass line for Deja Vu is so sensual—control yourself, Naomi! Can you imagine my reaction to Hyunjung and Daniel acting all cute and flustered together like some puppy love? I almost cried. Almost. Maybe if I learn to play an instrument he will love me too? No hard feelings though, Hyunjung. You’re too talented for me to hate, and you’re pretty. If you make Kang Daniel smile and I get to see that smile, that’s all that matters. Anyways lol that hug and his blush. Wow, the kids on the MGA’s are really acting wild, aren’t they? I hope they all clean up their acts, or at least make it less obvious, by the time they become idols. Overall, this team’s performance was good and faintly reminiscent of H.A.M, so I believe they deserve their title as first ranked for this week. It was something new, something unexpected, something covertly sexy that I really enjoyed (rest in peace to Minho, though, who got no screen time despite killing the rap, the dance, and being super attractive).

I guess that’s all for now, guys! I’ll try not to be as late with my next post, though I can’t make any promises with how hectic work is at the moment. This was also fairly rushed, but I hope it was worthwhile! If not… Well, then, feel free to exit my blog. To those that enjoyed my thoughts, feel free to follow me on twitter @naomiwj and send in your reactions, opinions, and/or fangirl with me !!!

Thanks for reading, fellow netizens! See you next week!

♕ Naomi Wang ♕

#*ep4 #*mga4 #*blog

[jodiwalker]

Every Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing Arie Did in Part 1 of the Awful, Riveting, No Fun, Painfully Mesmerizing 'Bachelor' Finale

So, as it turns out: "needle dick" was a pretty solid assessment of a highly thoughtless person, gifted to us during The Bachelor's season 22 “Women Tell All” special a few weeks ago. Yes, it was an assessment made by a pathological narcissist with a YouTube channel and a WebMD printout of "laryngitis" symptoms, but still...

On Monday night, The Bachelor decided to air three hours' worth of their chosen testicle-in-charge Arie repeatedly telling his final two sister-girlfriends that he was so in love with each of them, choosing one to propose marriage to, and then breaking off the engagement with That One while a camera crew filmed the whole thing because he figured out he was actually in love with The Other One. Now, let's be clear: Becca K. as she's known around the Bachelor Thunderdome, has dodged the most boring of bullets. When all is said and done — or in the case of Arie and Lauren, when all is just done — this situation will ultimately be nothing but a win for Becca K. She comes out looking like a Minnesota rose with the most treasured quality of all: not being engaged to Arie.

But this entire show is designed to make Becca fall in love with Arie, and she did that. Becca did exactly what The Bachelor asked of her, and they repaid her by having a dude whose personality amounts to "cars go vroom vroom" break up with her in real time on national television. Obviously, the very worst thing Arie did on Monday night was setting his fiancé up for a blindside, and agreeing to film it for mass consumption. But in The Bachelor world, it's near impossible to know what's contractually obligated and what kind of behind-the-scenes manipulation is at play. I put the burden of airing Becca's heartbreak on this franchise; at least until the final two hours of this trainwreck air on Tuesday night when perhaps Arie will explain himself [ed. note: hahhahahahaha omg srsly, wut am i thinking?].

Even with that benefit of the doubt given to Arie about just how callous and insensitive we could believe him to be to the women he claims to love, our Bachelor still spent the entire three hours of Monday's filmed finale in "hold my beer, watch this" mode. Truly, he had moves we've never seen — and a few we've all seen. Without needing to hear a single thing he has to say live on Tuesday night, these are unequivocally The Worst Things Arie did in Monday night's Bachelor finale:

TELLING BOTH WOMEN HE LOVED THEM EVERY TIME THEY GLANCED IN HIS DIRECTION

At some point, Arie decided to replace his most-used catch phrase, "I love that," which is entirely devoid of meaning, with a variation—"I love you"—which is one of the most important phrases in the English language. When Ben Higgins told both of his final two women that he loved them, he immediately knew he'd made a mistake, and spent the rest of the finale looking like he was going to throw up on his penny loafers. Because Ben realized telling them such an important thing would make both women feel extremely confident, and eventually one of them would be extra hurt and confused, knowing that he loved her a day ago when they were making out by a waterfall, but he's now rejecting her next to a pedestal from Home Goods with Chris Harrison lurking around in the background. Basically, Ben took one single moment to consider his girlfriends' feelings and was like, Ohhhh, I'm a fucking idiot.

Arie is a fucking idiot who will never, ever realize it, as is evidenced over and over again in his final, excruciating breakup with Becca. He loved that Becca and Lauren both felt so confident about their relationship with him, almost like he never once considered that one of them would be completely traumatized once they hobbled down a Peruvian hillside in the name of an engagement to the man they loved—and who loved them!—only to get a swift Kanye to the face [ed note: you know, Imma let you finish, but Becca had the best wife potential of all time]. Arie telling both women he loved them repeatedly, often, and with mounting conviction wasn't his worst mistake, but it was his most fundamental mistake. It's the infrastructural jackassery upon which his Mount Rushmore of his jackassery stands. Shall we proceed?

ASKING HIS FAMILY WHICH OF HIS TWO BELOVED GIRLFRIENDS HE SHOULD MARRY

Okay, I did kind of savor how rude Arie's parents were without seeming to have any idea how awful they were being. While I could empathetically understand that it would suck for Becca that Arie's family kept being like, Yes when we met Arie Jr.'s other girlfriend Lauren yesterday, we enjoyed her exactly as much as we are currently enjoying you…it was also a little hilarious how insensitively clueless they were. Heyyyy, it's almost like that characteristic runs in the family or something! Food for thought.

My family's opinion matters to me too — wanting to keep that opinion hovering around "only slightly worried about her delayed progression into adulthood" is one of the many reasons I would never go on The Bachelor (the other reasons are that The Bachelor wouldn't take me because I have curly hair, have never been a catalog model, and unabashedly ate a cookie for breakfast last week). What I'm saying, is your family's opinions go out the window the minute you decide to do any of this. But Arie clearly couldn't get past his family's assessment of two women they'd spent maybe three hours with, and whose only immediate differentiating features are: one is shy-nice, and one is outgoing-nice and they have two different hair colors, though I can't for the life of me remember which belonged to which woman. I want to say there was a Sarah. Was someone named Sarah, Arie Jr.??? Anyway, pick Becca—she talks!

AT LEAST ARIE'S FAMILY COULD EXPLAIN WHY THEY CHOSE BECCA OVER LAUREN

This situation was doomed from the moment ol' Pillow Lips himself explained that he wanted to be able to tell Lauren something that would help her understand why he was breaking up with her, "But I have no real reason to give her."

All I wanted to say to Arie throughout the entire finale was: TRY, Arie. Why don't you just try to explain it? It's a good practice, trying! I get that it's hard, but if you put in the work, and try even a little bit to understand your feelings, I swear you can ink something out, even if it's just: I do love this, and I don't love this. Those words are very solidly in your vocabulary, I know it. Just TRY to relay your feelings to the people you supposedly love, you weak-willed doofus!

LETTING LAUREN LAY OUT ALL THE REASONS SHE LOVES HIM BEFORE TELLING HER HE'S BREAKING UP WITH HER

Rude, so rude. This woman literally hates to speak, Arie—that is what you love about her! (I think!) And you're going to let her go on and on, quite eloquently might I add, about how you've inspired her to let her walls down and how she's soooo glad she finally let herself believe that this love could be real??? This man's spine is made of pudding cups.

TELLING LAUREN HE LOVED HER AS SHE GOT IN THE BREAKUP LIMO

At this point, the idiocy truly became astounding. Not only has he blindsided and traumatized a woman who he has been telling that he loves for weeks by choosing another women over her, but now he's going to tell Lauren that he loves her moments before proposing to Becca? Has he considered that might be painful for his alleged future wife? Of course not! I think if you told Arie that other people have internal thoughts and feelings just like him, his head would explode, and then he'd just go on living his exact same life as a headless torso being told what to do by the Bachelor producers. But at least this brings us to...

HONORABLE MENTION: THE BEST THING LAUREN DID

I know this will shock you, but the best thing Lauren did during the finale was speak a series of words out loud — and boy were those words dead on the money. In the limo, feeling shocked and betrayed, she repeats out loud one of the idiotic things Arie told her when he broke up with her: that he didn't know who he was going to choose until just that morning. "Does that not terrify him?" she asks. "How could you get down on one knee if you weren't sure, like, three hours ago?" An excellent question, and proof that even Lauren would have been a more equipped Bachelor than Arie.  

PROPOSING TO BECCA

Obviously, Arie's biggest mistake, from which there is no turning back—although he sure does try, that stinker!—was exactly what Lauren couldn't wrap her head around: he got down on one knee and proposed marriage to Becca when he had been completely in love with another woman and unsure of who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with just hours before. 

Never has it been clearer how toxic the construct of this show is than now, when it's been thrust upon a canvas as blank and malleable as Arie. He spends the entire finale saying he's not sure about one woman, spending time with that woman, and then being completely reassured that he's in love with her, basically because she is in love with him; lather, rinse, repeat with the next one. I truly believe that if Becca had the first final date with Arie, and Lauren had the second spot, Arie would have chosen Lauren instead. He has the emotional retention span of a drunken dance floor makeout. I think a baby trying ice cream for the first time might have a stronger grasp on what love is than Arie.

Oh, and let's not forget this standout line from Arie’s proposal of marriage: "I choose you today, and I choose you every day from here on out." Arie apparently thought "here-on-out" was like one of those Old English words like "wherefore" or "fortnight" where it sounds like it means one thing (forever), but actually means another (two months, or whenever the camera crew is available to come out to this mansion in the Hills).

THE ENTIRE BREAK UP CONVERSATION WITH BECCA, START TO (ATTEMPTED) FINISH

Assessing the production genius and emotional sociopathy of the decision to show Arie breaking Becca's heart in real-time split-screen is for another time. For now, let's just block off the next four hours to discuss every single stupid thing Arie did during said exploitative disaster. First, after sitting Becca down for a serious talk, Arie tries to ask her how a recent trip to Las Vegas was and compliment a new tattoo. [Ed. note: The distraction of trying to figure out if the tattoo had anything to do with Arie, and ultimately, the immense relief that it did not but was merely your average bumblebee wrist-tattoo, was at least appreciated.]

Becca, however, is like, cut the shit and tell me what you want to talk about; that is our first sign that Becca is equipped to deal with the fuck boi nonsense that is about to be presented to her. I would like to be clear though, that just because Becca is strong, and Arie is weak, would not make this any less painful for her. 

Arie then proceeds to explain in great detail how he can't explain why he's breaking up with her, except to say it in the absolute harshest, and most callous way possible: "The more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling things with Lauren." I honestly think the worst part of that awful statement isn't saying that you've been thinking about someone else the entire time you’ve been with Becca; it isn't saying that you're leaving her for another woman; it isn't naming that woman by name just to really drive the knife right in the bumblebee tattoo; it's calling your engagement "hanging out." GROW UP, ARIE!!!

Becca's flawless response: "Are you fucking kidding me?" NEVER CHANGE, BECCA!!!

Arie goes on to say just about every wrong thing possible. He didn't think "it would be fair" to stay with Becca if he was only half in the relationship. "So are you going to be half in with her?" Becca asks. Nope, Arie's gonna full-love Lauren, and he feels like he's been "pretty upfront" with Becca about how he's been struggling to get past his feelings for Lauren. That's when Becca's left hand with her giant engagement ring briefly dips below the split-screen, and without saying anything, comes back up diamondless. And that's when I fall in full-love with Becca. Perhaps, Arie says, he didn't let Becca know "the extent" to which he hadn't moved on from Lauren. "Clearly," says Becca, a queen.

Then this martyr-ass-muthafucka tells the fiancé he's breaking up with in order to go chase after another woman that he "thought it would be good for us to talk about this now," rather than doing it on After the Final Rose. Becca tells him it would have been good if he hadn't proposed to her in the first place. She says she's done here, and goes in the back of the house to start re-packing the suitcases she brought with her when she was assuming this would be a romantic weekend with her fiancé…

NOT FUCKING LEAVING WHEN BECCA ASKED HIM TO FUCKING LEAVE 100 DIFFERENT TIMES

People talk to me about The Bachelor a lot. Even when I'm not writing about a season, or not really watching it, they know I'll be down to clown about The Bachelor and I love that — always talk to me about The Bachelor, I beg of you.

The number one thing I've heard from women who watched last night's slow-motion disaster, is how sick they felt watching Arie hang around that house and follow Becca around, and ask her to talk to him, even after she’d repeatedly told him that she wanted him to leave and had nothing to say to him. Because there is a certain type of immature man than many women (and men, I'd imagine) have dealt with: men who want women to reassure them that they're still good men even though they're doing a bad thing. Arie begged Becca to talk to him some more, and when she relented, he stared at her in silence. Because he was waiting and waiting for her alleviate the emotional weight of his guilt for him, so that he wouldn't have to feel it anymore.

Becca refused to do that: she refused to hug him goodbye. She refused to tell him that it was okay. She refused to tie an ugly situation up with a pretty bow in order to take this man's emotional baggage onto her already heaving load. And that is the admirable, strong, very good, incredibly courageous thing Becca did.

#The Bachelor #The Bachelor Recap

[placetobenation]

Welcome to Seinfeld: The PTBN Series Rewatch! On a regular basis, JT Rozzero, Aaron George and Andrew Flanagan will watch an episode of TV’s greatest sitcom and provide notes and grades across a number of categories. The goal is to rewatch the entire series chronologically to see what truly worked, what still holds up today, what feels just a bit dated and yada, yada, yada it will be a great time. So settle into your couch with the cushions flipped over, grab a Snapple and enjoy the ride!

Best Character

JT: I liked Kramer the most here. He had some real funny lines and physical comedy throughout this one. His buried conversation enders are so good, especially slipping in that Newman was sleeping in Jerry’s bed. I also loved the delivery of his “for a fat man” line to Jerry. He was on his game in this one.

Aaron:  You’d think a pile of lesbians were fighting/lovemaking on stage if you were reading my mind, sifting through the depravity and listening to the “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry” chant. In an episode full of characters trying waaaaaay too hard, Jerry delivers with one liner after one liner. Imagine an episode where Jerry Seinfeld is the most grounded of the actors. This is it. Wait till you see the score.

Andrew: I think it was Elaine. The obsession with proving someone wrong, even at great cost to yourself, always gets me. Also, I’m a sucker for Elaine annoying people with a cigar.

Best Storyline

JT: I liked the blood the most. Jerry was annoying at points by being such an ungrateful bitch but he had some good dismissive lines and watching battle the Mandelbaums again was well done. And like I said above, I really enjoyed Kramer and this was the story he lived in for most of the episode. The meat sex stuff had funny moments but not much of a story to it and the Elaine stuff was fine too but didn’t have as many laughs.

Aaron: Polish, sausage, dancing.

Andrew: I’ll go with The Blood. I wasn’t a fan of any of the storylines, really, but the return of the Mandelbaums was my favorite part of the episode.

Ethical Dilemma of the Week

JT: If someone saves your life, you should probably not be a dick to them as soon as later that day.

Aaron: I’m going to go the opposite of JT and ask: even if you’ve saved someone’s life (which us debatable considering they were in a hospital full of blood) how do you live with yourself bringing a sworn enemy literally into someone’s bed? I get that these guys share a lot, but do they not even have a bed for that beast of a mailman to sleep in? If anything Kramer STILL owes Jerry favors for years of mooching and advantage taking. Has he ever borrowed that car without completely destroying it?

Andrew: What is the limit of the obligation when graciously accepting a gift from one’s parents? I’m going to say it’s somewhere short of “tying myself to a car”.

Relationship Scale (Scale 1-10)

JT: Kramer and Jerry, finally brought together by blood. A love made official. Relationship Grade: 3 Pints of Kramer/10

Aaron: George should keep banging that Vivian like a middle aged Neil Peart stuffing his face and trudging his way through YYZ. Relationship Grade: Boun ba ba boun ba baoun baoun baoun, ba ba baoun, ba ba baoun. Baoun badrrruuum. Down da down da down daaaaun. Dawn da down de daoun daounnnnnnn.

Andrew: I know the kid is presented as a burden, but I’m into the George and Vivian pairing. I just like the thought that there is a match for every kink out there. Relationship Grade: 10 sensual cured meats/10

What Worked:

JT: The plum diet seems like a good one; I always mark out for Morty saying “Mister Kramer”; Jerry’s point about responsibility is good one; George’s bus transfer excuse made me laugh; Jerry and George’s conversation about George bailing on Tara was really funny; Kramer going all in on calling Jerry fat in various ways was great; I enjoyed Elaine shoving Kramer into the bushes and smacking him with the broom as he yelped; I liked the payoff with the exacto knife, it was set up well earlier in the episode; Kramer demonstrating how he would rip out his kidney was great; Canadian Parliament; Newman sneaking in to watch the movie; Izzy putting the hurting on Jerry with his training was well done; the sausage making scene is a classic; Jerry calling George “Caligula”; Newman giving Jerry his blood was a good capper

Aaron: All of Jerry’s analysis and pleading with George to, for once think of someone’s else’s needs. The group screaming and Kramer’s messed up justification for needing to store so much blood in a blood bank. As someone who has watched Canadian parliament it busted me up to learn that Kramer not only watches, but records for later viewing. It’s not nearly as polite as one would imagine. Think more childish, with a lot of high pitched voices screeching “MISTER SPEAKER.” George’s series of lies, which inexplicably won over Vivian,  were great and the only thing that felt anywhere in the realm of reality.

Andrew: There’s not much to praise here, story-wise, but the episode still has some memorably great dialog. Kramer’s “for a fat man, you’re not very jolly” is excellent, and George and Jerry have some great back and forth in the diner (“I’m not suggesting getting rid of the girl”, followed by the “needs” line, is the high point for me). Elaine being compelled to prove her responsibility, and getting stuck with a permanent babysitting gig as a result, was well done. I enjoyed seeing the Mandlebaums again, and Kramer’s screen door callback got me.

What Didn’t Work

JT: Tara saying “love making”, eh; Jerry being so insanely afraid of Kramer’s blood was a bit much, just way too over the top; someone should pull a President Lincoln on that kid; I also thought Jerry was really ungrateful for Kramer’s blood, dude saved your life… stop being a bitch; who fucks a random at their kids’ birthday party?; The Izzy voiceovers at the end were terrible; why is Jimmy wearing that hat? Is it 1954?

Aaron: Is Jerry dead? They dragged him for a quarter mile which was way longer than it took to kill that dog in National Lampoon’s Vacation. This whole episode felt fake. If the paragraph above is what I felt worked then you can comfortably put the rest here. I know George has pulled some schemes but are we really to believe that a man whose entire mission in life has been to get laid, is now trading that for food and television? What kind of animal is this man? What’s wrong with Jerry? I get he’s a germaphobe, but he can’t be in a building with blood. A building???? Elaine would rather raise a child than tell a woman she barely seems to know or care about that she hates her son. Her son might be the most hateable character in western civilization. Even Kramer felt forced. I get he’s dumb, but blood in a car? Come on writers. Do better. I don’t want to go on any more. This was a mess. Also Mandelbaum sucked the high hard one.

Andrew: Vivian is wearing a gray pantsuit the first two times we see her, which seems pretty unimaginative. The dubbing of Mr. Mandlebaum’s dialogue at the end has always seemed really distracting to me.

Key Character Debuts

– Vivian

Iconic Moments, Running Themes & Memorable Quotes

– “That’s why we joined a program. We walk once around the block three times a week.” – Helen “And every morning I eat a plum.” – Morty

– “Did you give blood?” – Jerry “No, not giving. hoarding. I’m storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case.” – Kramer “In case of what?” – Jerry “Jerry, I know myself. If I’m out on the street and it’s starts to go down, I don’t back off until it’s finished.” – Kramer

– “I know, I’m glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward.” – Elaine

– “Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is: who’s responsible for this?” – Jerry

– “So, she didn’t appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats?” – Jerry “She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it’s not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It’s only natural to combine them.” – George

– “Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else’s.” – Jerry

– “You know, for a fat guy you’re not very jolly.” – Kramer

– “You? I’m more responsible than you are!” – Elaine “Don’t be ridiculous. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood.” – Kramer

– “Oh yeah, you’ve got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.” – Kramer

– “She’s right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig.” – Kramer

– “So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I’ll give it to you? I’ll rip it out right here and stack it on the table!” – Kramer

– “So, the free love buffet is over?” – Jerry “I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.” – Jerry “Yeah, that’s what you did…I can’t believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he’s probably makes me box a kangaroo.” – Jerry

– “All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed.” – Kramer

– “Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry?” – Vivian

Oddities & Fun Facts

– Lloyd Bridges was nominated for an Emmy for his role as Izzy Mandelbaum

Overall Grade (Scale 1-10)

JT: This wasn’t the strongest episode we have watched and did fade at the end but there is some quality dialogue peppered all through this one. It is definitely an episode carried on the back of actors that know their characters and relationships on a top notch, deep level because it was often the timing and delivery that made the big lines pop. The Mandelbaum return was a nice surprise but that really just kind of ends too, as do all of the stories here. Nothing quite paid off in a satisfying way. Also, that stupid fucking hat that Vivian’s kid had on was obnoxious. Fuck him. I am off to box a kangaroo. Final Grade: 6/10

Aaron: This episode sucked. It felt like a different show devoid of the characters we know and love. The writing was forced and I feel worse for having watched this one. Final Grade: 1/10

Andrew: I didn’t really care for this one. None of the storylines do it for me, which makes it hard for me get into the episode. And there are no big moments to make up for the less-than-inspired writing. But there are some genuine laughs and quality dialogue to be found, so the episode isn’t a complete disaster. Final Grade: 6/10

#IFTTT #Place to Be Nation

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

A Definitely Incomplete List Of My Favorite Moments From The Lightning Thief (book), because I'm having Feelings

Percy very causally mentioning times he accidentally hit a school bus with a canon or dropped fifth graders into shark-infested water

Grover Underwood

Just everything he’s ever done

Percy running an illegal candy ring out of his dorm room 

“I was worried they found out I got my essay on Tom Sawyer from the internet and were going to take away my grade. Or worse, they were going to make me read the book.”

When Percy thought Grover was going to give him some deep, meaningful commentary on life to make him feel better but Grover just wanted Percy’s lunch

Percy tried so hard to do well on his Latin final and Chiron somehow thinks it’s a good idea to tell him he’s ‘not normal’ in front of the class my poor boy

That one part where Percy essentially went “Oh hey mom’s home!!! Better reschedule this panic attack I was having!!” 

When Percy did that weird hand sign (that was never explained) and the door slammed on Gabe so hard he flew up the steps

The fact that when Grover finally tracked Percy down he wasn’t wearing any pants. Like, there was literally no reason for him to not have the fake feet and the jeans on. No actual reason for him to be free balling it. Percy just needed a shock apparently. Showing up in the middle of a hurricane with no pants, dramatic ass satyr I love him. 

The SATISFYING DEATH of Gabe’s Camaro + Sally apparently learned bullfighting just in case because she truly is the best mom

Percy killing the minotaur with its own horn

Percy dragging Grover over the camp line while crying for his mom literally end me

“You drool when you sleep.” could we get more iconic here

Percy teasing Annabeth about her crush on Luke

When Luke stole some toiletries for Percy and he got a little choked up because it was apparently the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him

The fact that Chiron basically told Annabeth that Percy was her destiny

The fact that a recovering alcoholic god of wine who hates children was deemed fit to run a camp for children

Not so fun: Percy, upon meeting Mr. D, immediately recognizing the signs of an alcoholic and going out of his way to sit far away from him ‘just in case’

The fact that everyone just expected him to hear ‘the greek gods are real’ and move on?? why would no one let this boy be in shock omg

Zeus apparently had a thing for the fluffy 80′s hairstyles

“the real world is where the monsters are” 

The fact that Poseidon could have claimed Percy at literally any moment but he apparently decided he really needed that dramatic reveal during capture the flag.

When Zeus was feeling Extra Dramatic(tm) after Percy’s claiming so he started making it rain inside the camp boarders and everyone was lowkey freaking out

When Annabeth pulls off her invisible cap and declares she’s going on the quest with him and Percy was like, beyond unsurprised that she was there and didn’t even attempt to fight her 

Chiron forgot to give Percy a sword from his father for like, an entire month. 

Grover with those freaking flying shoes oh my God

Annabeth blushing literally any time Luke talks to her 

IN THIS HOUSE WE LOVE AND RESPECT ARGUS, HEAD OF CAMP SECURITY

lmao when Percy and Annabeth start bickering about something and Argus just winks at Percy because he knows

When they were playing hackey sack with an apple but it got too close to Grover’s mouth and he just ate the whole thing

The entire bus scene oh my God

“I was about to become the ADHD Poster Child of the Year” as he’s CRASHING A BUS

Annabeth on a fury’s back 

the explosion. just. all gr8. 

When Grover tries to play a path finder song and Percy just immediately slams into a tree. Also the fact that the path finder song was actually just a Hillary Duff number. 

“You two are giving me a migraine, and satyr's don’t even get migraines!” 

Percy actually, truly trying to sell the story that the three of them are circus orphans who got separated from their ringleader 

Grover: hey guys this place is REALLY SHADY and we need to leave

Annabeth and Percy: but f o o d

Can you imagine walking into a store and finding your dead uncle’s body on display? Like????

When Medusa revealed herself and Annabeth’s running around invisible, Percy’s swinging a sword blindly and Grover’s flying around screaming and trying to whack her with a stick: everyone here is a MESS

When Annabeth was overly annoyed with Percy after that ordeal??? Sweetheart you fell for the trick too

Name something more iconic than 12 year old Percy Jackson mailing the decapitated head of Medusa to the gods on Mt. Olympus in an act of sheer pettiness. I dare you. 

When Percy was insisting on taking first watch while the others slept and Grover was basically like “hey kiddo listen to this” and played a song that immediately knocked him out so he could sleep all night 

“Percy. Say hello to the poodle.”

Percy seeing all the Greek creatures from the train window 

When Annabeth was dragging the boys to the St. Louis Arch and Percy’s claustrophobic ass Did Not Want To Get In That Tiny Elevator but he went anyway because he wanted Annabeth to be happy. That boy has had it bad since the start. 

“I am Echidna!”

“Isn’t...isn’t that a type of anteater?”

“I HATE AUSTRALIA.” 

How many times has Percy actually been poisoned throughout all the series I literally want a count 

‘Lemme just, uh....jump off the fucking St. Louis Arch and hope I don’t die when I hit the water.’

There is just something very aesthetic about Percy lighting a fire in the bottom of a river 

Percy’s got so much pent-up rage that he’s just immediately ready to wreck Ares upon meeting him omfg

THE THRILL RIDE O’ LOVE

Annabeth getting so worked up and flustered over going down there with Percy because it’s a love ride and Percy’s just like “you literally do not have to make this a Thing” lmao

Annabeth wouldn’t let Percy touch Aphrodite’s scarf because she didn’t want him getting infected by love magic but then...touched it herself lol

The entire sequence with the mechanical spiders and the cameras and the ride itself 

Percy’s plan to get off the ride!!!! He’s so smart okay can people stop calling him stupid!!! 

Grover trying to catch them both in mid-air but they‘re too heavy so the three of them just kind of slowly crash into one of those face-cut-out posters lol

Percy, turning to the camera’s broadcasting this shit on Olympus: “Show’s over! Thank You! Goodnight!” 

THE FUCKING ZOO BUS

Everything about that scene omg. The animals they had to help. Trying to convince Grover of how great he is. The baby percabeth. my h e a r t

“What if it does line up like the Trojan War? Athena versus Poseidon?”

“I don’t know what my mom will do. I just know I’ll be fighting next to you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my friend, Seaweed Brain, any more stupid questions?”

Do you hear that sound? That’s me, ages 13-21(+) sobbing uncontrollably oh my God I love them so much

‘let’s just set a fucking lion loose in Las Vegas’ 

“I put a Blessing of the Wild on them, so they’ll safely find food and shelter wherever they go.”

“Why can’t you put on of those on us?”

“It only works on wild animals.”

“So it would only effect Percy...”

“HEY!” 

When they get to the Lotus hotel and Grover starts playing that game where the deer shoot the hunters azxjhnhdjx

Percy physically having to drag his friends out of there once he realized it was the lair of the lotus eaters

When Annabeth gave the taxi driver her lotus credit card and he started calling her “Your Highness” lmao

Every time in this book Percy comes close to uncovering a Dark Truth the people around him are just like “let’s not worry about that :) “ and my polite boy actually shuts up it’s so wild because I would just keep going lol

CRUSTY THE WATER BED SALESMAN 

Listen that entire scene has lowkey always been one of my Favs and I’m not even sure why but Percy chopping his head off was g r e a t

The entrance to the Underworld is DOA Recording Studios and I love it

“We, uh...all drowned in a bathtub.”

Poor Charon just wants his Italian suits he doesn’t need all this bullshit 

Grover almost getting dragged into Tartarus: not good. very bad. bad shit. 

Annabeth getting emotionally attached to Cerberus in the span of 3 minutes: RELATABLE 

‘huh my backpack that I thought I got rid of five days ago is getting weirdly heavy, that’s not suspicious though, right?’ 

When Hades just starts monologue-ing about all the shit he has to put up with

“what kind of awful things do you have to do to get sewn into Hades underwear?” p e r c y

when Percy realizes the Master Bolt is in his backpack and he’s just like. tell me why. why. I’m a good person. what did I DO. 

When Percy has to sacrifice his mom to get Annabeth and Grover out of there I Cri Evey Tiem 

My cute lil’ baby yelling around on a beach to get Ares to show up 

ahdbsjznx when Grover gives Percy a crushed, half eaten tin can for good like and Percy is just like “Grover...I don’t know what to say.” I LOVE HIM

My sweet son kicking the god of war’s ass. bless. blessed on this day. 

The news crews who suddenly started backtracking and writing Percy as a hero 

Percy, choking back tears, giving Gabe’s store’s phone number out on national television and promising everyone free appliances IM STILL CACKLING I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH HE’S ICONIC 

Hades actually releasing Sally because he’s Not As Big Of A Dick As He Could Have Been 

Percy: hey I think there’s a really good chance that Kronos was behind this whole mess-

Zeus and Poseidon: XXX KRONOS DO NOT INTERACT XXX

Poseidon rolling his eyes at literally everything Zeus says and does

Poseidon and Percy’s whole talk omg my sweet boy just wants his dad to love him and Poseidon’s trying to figure out how to show affection when he basically signed this kid’s death sentence I’m crying 

A man will never satisfy me as much or in the same way as Sally Jackson murdering Gabe Ugliano did 

Percy was spending months of summer stressing over who the friend that’s supposed to betray him was but like...Sweetie you had exactly three (3) friends and you knew two of them weren’t gonna hurt you

ahbdjsnx when Percy and Luke were having their conversation in the woods and like Luke’s acting shady af the whole time but it’s literally not until he litters that Percy is like “something...is Wrong.” this boy I s2g

Percy getting bit by a scorpion is Not A Favorite Moment but the nymphs helping him out was 

Percy making his Official Decision to go home for the school year only after Annabeth reveals that he actually did talk her into trying again with her family 

I didn’t mean to write out a summary of the whole damn book it’s six am listen I’m just feeling nostalgia for the original series in this chili’s tonight 

whoops

#the lightning thief #pjo #percy jackson #Annabeth chase #grover underwood #molly mumbles

[cassandra-acton]

ONE-TIME THING:

I’ve been thinking about Cassie’s staff recently, so this happened! Meet some of them. Eric is going to be a gem of an NPC character, so keep an eye out for him in future self paras. Also mentions some other shenanigans, so enjoy that. 

Date: March 7th, 2018. Warnings: Shouty, sweary Welshman. tw: nerd mention.

“The man’s like a fucking balloon animal with moving parts and a face hole that makes occasional, meaningless noise.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong.

Enter Eric Vickery: the slightly sociopathic communications director that had stood loyally at her side since Election Day. There was no one in Parliament who had an even remotely comparable way with words (probably a good thing) and the fact that he sounded like he’d just drunkenly stumbled out of the Welsh Valleys made everything he said ten times more hilarious. The team had gotten lucky with him; especially when he made the bizarre decision to work with Cassie exclusively, instead of dividing his time between handfuls of London-based MPs like his counterparts typically did.

The man, edging into his late forties, liked to regularly remind her that she had potential, and she was sure he stuck around because he thought they’d be shooting for a ministerial position one day. Eric wanted a promotion, he would use her to get there, and she loved him for it.

“Leader of the Opposition,” Laura Monroe, her PA, mocked through a mouthful of pizza.

“Yeah, well, there’s a reason they’re only the opposition, and that reason is he’s a fucking cretin.”

It was a tradition that they had upheld every in-session Wednesday for almost two years. Cassie, Eric, Laura, and occasionally her Chief of Staff, Gary Hill, would gather in her office and make a night out of BBC Parliament’s repeat of Prime Minister’s Questions. They rock-paper-scissored who would be responsible for bringing the food, before showing up around midnight to settle in for two solid hours of soul-cleansing bitching. Of course, watching it back was constructive in other ways, but she wasn’t ashamed to admit that in a world where one had to hold back constantly, the bitching kept her sane.

“Why does he always look as if he’s about to choke on his own tongue?” Laura added.

Cassie scoffed, crossing her legs to get comfortable as she positioned herself in the middle of her desk. “Turn it up. I want to hear him trip over whichever bullshit line Karl Marx fed him this time.”

They’d massacred enough pizzas to feed a large family, and watched as her sister expertly dismembered every single critic from the opposing bench with an ease that Cassie could only admire. Elizabeth Acton was fucking good at her job; so much so that even Eric hadn’t a bad word to say about the way in which she conducted herself.

Suddenly, a knock at the door stole attention away from another one of Elizabeth’s ruthless comebacks. They’d barely heard it over the sound of the Conservative benches heckling the poor sod that had just been absolutely decimated on national television, but when the door swung open, Laura moved to mute the television momentarily.

“I—You said you wanted a transcript of the highlights from the last committee meeting as soon as I printed—“

It was James Gillespie, the poor, stuttering intern still afraid of breathing Eric’s oxygen.

“Beautiful. Leave the folder on the side, go the fuck home, and get some sleep. You look like you’re about to pass out, kid,” the Welshman ordered, words about as close to sympathetic as they ever came. Clearly, this registered in the young man, because he offered an uncharacteristic smile along with his usual silent and obedient nod.

Without another the word, the intern had disappeared as quickly as he’d entered.

Chewing on the end of her last slice of pizza, she shot a glare at her communications director. “Will you please be nice to the intern? I like James. It’d be rather nice if James stuck around. James is a good egg.”

“Oh, you do?” Eric enthused sarcastically. “Well then you’ll be disappointed to hear that he’s not Labour, so please avoid trying to fuck him.”

In a split second, her glare switched from playful to murderous. Eric took issue with how much time she spent working with Adam Hassan, and he made absolutely no secret of it.

“Nice.”

“Nice? Do you know how difficult you make my job?”

“I didn’t fuck Adam,” she informed, annoyed.

In that moment, she swore she could see his eye twitch. It wasn’t a lie. The initial ‘date’ he was having a mental breakdown over was so tame, it ended with a kiss on the cheek and slight confusion on her part as to whether she’d misread his signs entirely. Cassie felt stupid even thinking about it. She wished to God he hadn’t brought it up so she could avoid the internal cringing.

“You didn’t fuck Adam yet.” Eric corrected. “Not that he needs you to. The press is already on its hands and knees sucking Beautiful Perfect Angel Boy’s dick. You realize this is going to be a bigger pile of shit for me to clear up than you, Silas and your Roman fucking rendezvous?”

Okay, that she could understand him being upset about.

The press had picked up on it quickly and threatened with a God damn field day, but he had deftly stopped them in their tracks, like the genius he was, before the story gained momentum. If only he knew. Cassie felt a pang of guilt, and not the type that one might’ve expected. None of it was for Alice, and all of it was for the communications director she really did push to his limit.

“Thanks for smoothing that over, by the way. You are also a good egg.”

“No, I’m a miraculous egg, Cassie. I’m a miraculous fucking egg. Alice’s little fan club wanted your head on a spike and for a minute there, I debated how giving it to them would look on my resume.”

“You wouldn’t do that to me…”

There was an awkward pause. Cassie’s usually disarming smile had little effect.

Eric sighed out through his nose, and suddenly, all of the dismissive humour he was so famous for was gone. “Did you sleep with Silas?”

The seriousness of his tone was so unfamiliar, it stunned her into silence. Laura cleared her throat—in all honesty, Cassie had forgotten she was there for a second—before politely excusing herself as though she thought it wasn’t her business to be a part of this conversation. Eric probably agreed, because he waited until after she’d shut the door behind her to repeat himself.

“Look, you don’t need me to tell you that it’s a bad fucking idea, but if you screwed him, I need to know about it. God forbid this ever fucking surfaces, Cass, but if it does, I need to know the facts. I have to be equipped to deal with it.”

Even though she was sure her expression said everything he needed to hear, he waited.

The night in question had been repeating on her mind solidly since it had happened; mostly, because she didn’t even know how she felt about it. The only thing she knew for sure was that she certainly harboured no guilt. Yes, Silas was married, but he was married to fucking Satan. It was something to do. It was company. It was stupid.

Things between them hadn’t changed. They’d had sex, but they were adults and it was fine.

“It was just once,” she conceded, barely managing the words as she held up her hands in genuine surrender for fear of him biting her head off. “It’s not going to happen again. I made a mistake, okay? It was just a one-time thing.”

The man looked as though his brain had partially melted. Believing it already was one thing, but hearing it firsthand?

“Well, I guess that explains the eye fucking then!” Eric bellowed, gesturing both hands toward the still muted TV wildly. “What happened to doing us all the courtesy of pretending you fucking hate each other, huh? If you’re going to sleep with him, at least spare us the pining looks across the backbenches, Cassie, because I’m just a man. I like my food. I’d rather not lose it.” Sighing, he pressed his fingertips to his forehead, letting out an inhuman groan. “There’ll be gifs of that shit.”

Cassie froze, once again lost for words. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to defend herself?

“Eric, come on…”

“One-time thing,” he warned, sitting bolt upright and pointing at her. By this point, she’d noted his expression had made an uncomfortable diversion from its earlier anger. He looked…disappointed. Concerned. “You don’t fuck your career up for a married man, so you fucking promise me now that this is a one-time thing, otherwise I’ll rip his God damn dick off myself.”

Promise? What were they, ten? “Don’t you think you’re being a little overdramatic?”

Even she didn’t think that. In fact, she was cursing herself for saying it almost as soon as the words left her dumb mouth.

“He’s fucking married, Cassie!”                                      

“Okay, okay! Can you maybe stop shouting ‘he’s married’?!” The blonde whispered, eyebrows pulling together in an angry frown. “I feel like that might get some fucking attention, don’t you?”

There was a lengthy pause in which both parties attempted to calm themselves. Neither of them seemed to manage it particularly well.

“One-time thing.”

“All right, Eric,” Cassie relented with a sigh. It was hard to tell whether she meant the words, or whether she was just desperate to appease him, but she coughed them up all the same. “I promise.”

#self para #self para: one time thing

[tabledit]

So What The F*ck is a “Pitch Deck” and How Do I Make One?

What is a Pitch Deck?

A pitch deck (or pitch doc, as I still usually accidentally call it) is the big packet of stuff you give to the person you’re pitching your show too. It’s exactly what it sounds like: a brief, comprehensive look at your idea to prove to prospective buyers that they should invest in it. (It’s also something for those people to be able to show THEIR bosses later on, once your in-person pitch is over.) The pitch deck is also for you; it’s a guide that will help to flesh out your idea entirely, and keep you on track when talking to people about it in the room.

The most basic shape of your pitch deck should look something like:

LOGLINE

SUMMARY

ABOUT ME

THE SHOW

THE TONE

THE WORLD

THE CHARACTERS

THE THEME/WRAP UP

THE PILOT*

THE SERIES*

These can obviously be switched around or modified based on your specific pilot, and the ones asterisked at the end are semi-optional, but the basic building blocks can be used for any project. There are also “One Pagers,” which someone might ask for before an entire deck, or you may want to start there for sake of ease. It’s essentially a truncated pitch deck -- pretty much just the logline and summary. We’ll go over one-pagers and the template for each part of a pitch deck, which is attached below the line.

LOGLINE

One to two sentences outlining the premise of your pilot. Think about the protagonist, conflict, and premise of the show. Your “elevator pitch.”

Examples:

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: A young woman abandons a choice job at a law firm and her life in New York in an attempt to find happiness in the unlikely locale of West Covina, California.

Rick And Morty: An animated series that follows the exploits of a super scientist and his not-so-bright grandson.

PRACTICE:

Write a logline for four of the six shows provided, or make up four of your own if you don’t watch any of these shows or movies.

30 Rock:

Friday Night Lights:

Scandal:

Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Stone:

The Simpsons:

Glee:

The Bachelor:

SUMMARY

A brief, ½-1 page summary of your show, main characters, and world. A step up from the logline, the summary should briefly expand on everything you set up in the logline, and everything you’ll go on to explain in the pitch. The bridge between your logline and more in depth parts of your pitch deck.

IE: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Summary:

To most looking in, Rebecca Bunch has a great life: a high powered job as an attorney in a prestigious New York law firm, great future prospects in her chosen profession, looks, brains, and money. But she has always suffered from anxiety and depression, for which she is on a plethora of pills. Those maladies are largely from being pushed by her overbearing Jewish mother, which also led to Rebecca's father abandoning the family when she was young.

When on the streets of New York Rebecca runs into Josh Chan, her boyfriend from summer camp ten years ago when they were sixteen, she remembers back to that time as the happiest time in her life, happiness which eludes her. When Josh mentions that he is imminently moving back to his hometown of West Covina, California, Rebecca decides to pursue happiness in moving to West Covina herself, telling people it's because she got a fabulous job there, where in reality it's to rekindle a relationship with Josh, which she believes is what will make her happy.

As Rebecca ekes out a life in West Covina with a wide array of new friends, colleagues, allies and enemies - within this collection being Josh and his friends - Rebecca may come to some realizations about her life and what she is trying to achieve. Does this all make her a crazy ex-girlfriend, or is it a little more nuanced than that?

(Thank you to “Huggo” on IMDB for this LOL)

So, if our logline was “A young woman abandons a choice job at a law firm and her life in New York in an attempt to find happiness in the unlikely locale of West Covina, California,” in our summary, we build out from each part. “A young woman,” becomes “Rachel Bloom” -- a hotshot lawyer with a serious depression problem. Her “finding happiness” we now know means following her ex-camp crush to West Covina, California. We’re given a brief intro to the supporting characters who will make up Rebecca’s world.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, and I’ll stress this over and over, everything you write about your show should connect back to your main character(s). If they are the sun of your show, then all the other parts must revolve around, and connect back, to them in some capacity. For instance, Rachel’s mother is introduced in the summary -- but only in how she affects Rachel. If you have a clear focal point for your show, it’ll be easier to build out the world around them.

PRACTICE:

Write a brief summary for one of the shows you’ve written a logline for.

TONE

Tone is what your show sounds, looks, and feels like. This should give the reader an idea of how you want your show to be.

Some words used to describe tone include: Surreal, single-cam, multi-cam, zany, serious, drama, comedy, ensemble, character-driven, situational, dark, light etc.etc.etc. The most important thing about tone is that you clarify it early on, and stick to it.

Ie.: The Mighty Boosh is a visually and situationally surreal comedy with realistic characters.

30 Rock is like an animated show come to life, with quick cutaways and exaggerated comedy balanced out by grounded protagonists.

An easy “tone” statement to help you -- and execs -- out is: It’s this meets this if you added/subtracted/multiplied it by this.

PRACTICE:

Identify the tone of 3 shows you watch, and write 1-2 sentences describing each. Try to brainstorm a word cloud of tonal adjectives for your own idea.

ABOUT ME

Remember how I said, “Write what you know?” This is your chance to prove why you should be the person to make this idea come to life. What in your personal history led you to this story, or what makes you the person uniquely qualified to tell it. Sort of like a college personal statement but you can say “dick” all you want (FINALLY)

PRACTICE:

Write 10 (or as many as you’d like) bullet points on what makes you uniquely fit to tell this story. Again, they don’t have to be extreme: “I’m a woman and this show looks at the dynamic between women” is enough for now.

THE WORLD

Set the scene for your pilot. List anything externally relevant to the pilot and our main characters. This means where and when your show takes place, and how your character(s) fit into it.

IE: Wunderkind, The World:

LOGLINE: A curmudgeonly college freshman happily drops out of school to accept her dream job writing for a tv show, before realizing she only got hired for “being young” in the first place. Now she must straddle both worlds, or risk winding up in neither.

#COLLEGELYFE:

Shelby understands why she’d stay in school to be a doctor or teacher, but doesn’t get why people say college is the best four years of your life. Cuz, in reality, College is like a mediocre pasta dish — but when it’s served between an appetizer that called you “fag” for 17 years and a dessert made of mortgages and your own mortality, it starts to taste pretty good to people.

College life is a nonstop carousel of nightmares that everyone else seems to be enjoying. It’s weird that somebody else makes your food, dehumanizing to get water from a fountain in the hallway, and fucking sociopathic to get drunk during the daytime. Shelby doesn’t feel disdain for all of it, so much as feels guilty and like a nuisance for not enjoying any of it. Same with Katy Perry and Gummi Bears. But ~yung lyfe~ proves inescapable — like when she’s out on script for a week and audits a class for fun, only to get way too into it, or when she’s chosen by Vanessa to “moderate” a conflict resolution session at Vanessa’s sorority (you know, because she’s empathetic but doesn’t take bullshit and also not pretty enough to be threatening to the other girls. Like a big sweatshirt of a human! You know you should throw it out, but you love it and sometimes you still need it!) The one draw from college is the improv team she’s on and the fact that housing has already been paid for the year.

#WORKLIFE:

Staffing to Shelby is like Jerusalem to the Jews: the promised Holy Land where everyone comes together to worship the one true god, Television.

But just because her coworkers are older, it doesn’t mean they’re not still people, and Shelby’s not still Shelby. Alternately viewed as too young, too mean, too smart, or too dumb — depending on who you ask — Shelby has to deal with not just being a 17 year old girl in a tv writers’ room, but a lame 17 year old girl in a tv writers’ room.

Wanting to feel valued and useful, she learns to carve out a niche for herself in the room as an “expert” on young, fun people... despite definitely not being one. Suddenly, the healthiest thing for her professionally is to embrace her youth — and all the embarrassing, horrifying, drug-fueled experiences that entails.

PRACTICE:

Write a one page summary detailing “The World” of your show.

CHARACTER BIOS

A brief description of your main and side characters.

WHEN WRITING A CHARACTER BIO, CONSIDER:

Who is this person? What are their motives? What is the best thing about them? What’s the worst thing about them? What do they love? What do they hate? How would they describe themselves? How would other people describe them? Where do they begin their story, emotionally? Where will they end it? If this is not your main character, how do their traits reflect on and connect to the main character? Are they a foil? A friend? What do they add to the world, and how do they interact with it?

Ie: JOSH, “THE FRENEMY”:

This fucking guy, you know? This whitebread, Harvard-educated, National-Lampoon-staffing, The Onion-reading motherfucker who’s just tan enough to think he’s not racist. Shelby’s antagonist-turned-frenemy at work, Josh can’t stand anything about Shelby (the feeling’s mutual, bruh). An early 30-something writer and the guy who somehow ends up doing most of the show runner’s physical work, he’s technically a very “accomplished” adult who disdains anybody or anything he doesn’t think is “on his level.” If he were into videogames, he’d never believe that a chick really knows what she’s talking about (but, like, he’d never be into videogames).

At least, this is the snap judgement Shelby makes after an antagonistic first couple days — as Vanessa points out to Shelby, wouldn’t she rather Josh “haze” her than ignore her, like the other writers? And does she REALLY dislike Josh, or just dislike the fact that Josh dislikes her? As hard as this new environment is on Shelby, can she imagine what it’s like for the 31 year old writer who has never had to deal with a teen girl in the room? Not in a sexist way, but in a “teacher floundering because he’s not sure how to handle a new student” way? He had a hand in hiring her, after all (Shelby reluctantly understands Vanessa’s points, but with BIG caveats.) And Josh isn’t necessarily wrong when he criticizes Shelby: she’s young; she’s inexperienced; she wore pants backwards to work twice in row — but who does he think he is to point that out?? The one thing Josh has going for him is that he’s honest. He’ll make life hard for Shelby, and won’t pretend to like her when he doesn’t, but he’s not gonna sabotage her career — why bother when she’ll probably manage to do that herself? A big brother/little sister dynamic will prevail, without either of them realizing they care about each other until it’s too late.

PRACTICE:

Write brief character bios for your main and side characters.

**TIP** If you’re struggling, try to answer “How would this character order coffee?” It sounds silly, but knowing, without a doubt, how each of your players would act in seemingly innocuous situations will lead to fully developed characters (and make your life way easier in scripting).

THEME/WRAP UP

The theme part of your pitch should be sprinkled throughout the deck, but here’s your chance to make it loud and clear to the reader. The “theme” of any story is like the lynchpin: remove it, and the wheels fly off completely. If you’re struggling to think of the theme for your show, there’s a good chance you’re not ready yet.

PRACTICE:

Write up a brief paragraph, trying to really crystallize WHY this is the story you WANT to tell. Make me want to hear you tell it!

#pitching tv #tv pitch #pitch deck #table it #template #pitch deck template #faq #writing #screenwriting #tips

[fapangel]

Left-Wing Violence and False Equivalencies

After the attempted murder of several Republican Congressmen last month, I skipped any big blogpost on it because I'd already posted it months before - a simple "I told you so" sufficed. The bloodletting was everything I - and countless others - had said would be the inevitable consequence of the tide of pathological hatred and thuggery currently ruling the left wing. The shock of the event should have spoken for itself.

Imagine my surprise, then, to hear people I respect glibly equating the unceasing, obsessive hatred and calls for violence from the left wing to "right-wing rhetoric," implicitly suggesting some sort of parity. Apparently, this needs saying: left-wing violence, and calls for violence, are qualitatively and quantitatively far more evident, excessive, effective and dangerous on the left. This owes to three main reasons:

Left-wing violence and violent rhetoric is openly promoted and legitimized by people in positions to influence the ideology of the masses, especially Hollywood stars, university professors and famous national “comedians.”

Left-wing violence and violent rhetoric is organized, political, and international in scope.

Left-wing violence and violent rhetoric is unashamed, unapologetic, and accepted in their own cultural circles.

These are not opinions, or arguments. As I will document, these are facts. Let's start with the first point.

Grasping for Straws - Media Accusations

Let's compare some reactions - reactions - to the Scalise shooting, after conservatives dire predictions of bloodshed had been borne out. Trinity College professor Johnny Eric Williams published an article on Medium.com charmingly titled "Let Them Fucking Die," openly wishing that the attempted murderer had been successful. It opened with this disclaimer:

[NOTE: This essay is in the context of bigotry and is speaking about bigots. If you aren’t a bigot, then it doesn’t apply to you. But, if you happen to feel hit, then holler, dog.]

One rubber-stamp label later, and murder - outright murder - is justified. Then there was Chelsey Gentry-Tipton, a Nebraska Democratic Party official and chairwoman of Nebraska's Black Caucus openly mocked the shock of the shooting victims on social media. She also posted “The very people that push pro NRA legislation in efforts to pad their pockets with complete disregard for human life. Yeah, having a hard time feeling bad for them.”

But even that pales in comparison to Phil Montag, another Nebraskan Democratic Party official, who came to Gentry-Tipton's defense and was caught on tape saying that he was glad Scalise got shot and that he wished Scalise was dead. Click that link - it must be heard to be believed, especially Montag combatively arguing with his fellow Party officials who released the tape.

And let's not forget James Devine, a New Jersey Democratic campaign strategist for 35 years who tweeted “We are in a war with selfish, foolish & narcissistic rich people. Why is it a shock when things turn violent?#HuntRepublicanCongressmen.” (The original tweet is still up. Look for yourself.)

Again, this is after theory has become fact, after blood has been spilled, and after people have been gravely wounded and almost killed. The reaction of tenured professors Democratic Party officials and career Democratic campaign staffers wasn't just approval, but combative, nasty, in-your-face avowal; the conviction of people convinced they're right and not afraid to say so.

Now turn the tables and time-warp to 2011, after Gabrielle Giffords was shot and the left-wing media overwhelmingly and immediately blamed it on "right-wing rhetoric" - such as a campaign map with "cross-hair graphics" placed over crucial districts - to explain the actions of an insane man. Initial diagnosis of mental illness mean little, since these perpetrators are unstable and violence-prone by definition - defining it as root cause or aggravating factor requires investigation. I was going to say that no such ambiguity existed in the Giffords shooting, trusting to Fig. A., the shooter's mugshot, to carry the argument -

- but the media happily spared me the trouble when the New York Times, the pinnacle of journalistic standards and so-called "newspaper of record", repeated the election-map claim six years after Loughner's gibbering insanity had been firmly established. The editorial board of the New York Times missed this, which implies something about their remembered narratives. Incidentally, that editorial was itself a reaction to the Scalise shooting, and claimed that there was "no sign of incitement as direct as in the Giffords attack." With the blood of Scalise and two police officers still soaking the ground, the Times rushed to defend the left and blame the right with an outright lie.

This was going to be my key example, but once again the media preempted me. It's been drowned out by the overwhelming backlash against CNN's thuggish threatening and intimidation of some random Reddit user, but the media's desperately been arguing that Trump re-tweeting a meme gif of him fake-wrestling a CNN logo to the mat is promoting violence against the media. CNN, of course, is in the throes of high dudgeon. This is what the major mainstream media outlets - with their massive, unquestionably powerful platforms and reporter/researcher apparatus - find and hold up as examples of violent right-wing rhetoric: crosshairs on campaign maps and fake wrestling meme .gifs from reddit. Given the power, influence, and dominant platform of these organizations, it strains credulity to claim that there's significant instances of right-wing violence promotion that they somehow haven't made headline news.

A Non-Stop Litany of Hatred

Barely two weeks after the mass shooting at the Republican baseball practice, Johnny Depp, famous Hollywood actor, stood up in front of a crowd in England and “joked” about assassinating President Trump. “When was the last time an actor assassinated a president? I want to clarify, I am not an actor. I lie for a living. However, it has been a while and maybe it is time.” Back in May, Professor John Griffin, of the Art Institute of Washington, called for GOP Representatives to be “lined up and shot.”

Then there's the Otto Warmbier tale. Soon after the 22 year old was sentenced to 15 years of hard labor for “stealing a political poster,” the Huffington Post was openly gloating about how that filthy white male had it coming for thinking his white privilege would let him get away with his “crime,” apparently happy to take North Korea's word on the young man's “guilt.”And they weren't the only ones, with comedians, Salon.com and Affinity magazine piling on also. After Otto Warmbier was murdered by the North Koreans, Fox News wondered if those leftists were still laughing. Turns out they were - or at least Kathy Dettwyler, professor of anthropology at the University of Delaware, said he got “exactly what he deserved” because of - again - his white privilege. Tom Curry, associate professor at Texas A&M, gave an interview about “killing white people in context,” in which he said that “some white people might have to die,” because, of course, black people are dying. A Fresno State University professor, Lars Maischak, went on a twitter rant calling for Trump to be hung, “the higher the better,” and for Republicans to be executed. One particularly saucy tweet: “Has anyone started soliciting money and design drafts for a monument honoring the Trump assassin, yet?”

Back to Hollywood with Madonna, who talked about thinking of “blowing up the white house.” When Palin's campaign puts cross-hairs on crucial electoral districts it's an “incitement to violence,” but when Madonna says “blow up the White House” she's just speaking in metaphor, apparently. When Michelle Bachmann says “slit our wrists and become blood brothers” she's using “violent rhetoric,” according to Montel Williams, but when he says “slit your wrist, do us all a better thing, move that knife up two feet and start at the collarbone,” he must be speaking metaphorically. At least there's no ambiguity with Joss Whedon, who wants Speaker Paul Ryan to be raped to death by a rhino with its horn “because it's funny, not becuase he's a #GOPmurderbro.” Director David Simon tweeted that if Mueller (who's busily hiring Clinton campaign donors for his “investigation” team,) is fired, you should “pick up a goddamn brick.” Unlike Trump's WWE meme tweet, which was clearly an incitement to violence, he was just “speaking in metaphor” too. Lea DeLaria threatened to “pick up a baseball bat and take out every fucking republican and independent I see.” Rappers “YG” and “Nipsey Hustle” wrote an entire rap packed with death threats towards Trump. Marilyn Manson made a music video showing him violently decapitating Trump, reminiscent of Snoop Dogg's music video showing him shooting Trump. (These are the latest in a longer trend of vivid left-wing murder/assassination fantasies - they made an entire docudrama fantisizing about murdering George Bush.) Sarah Silverman, a “comedian,” tweeted her call for a military coup to depose the “mad king and his handlers.” It's unclear if her call for military violence against our democratically elected government - to remove fascists - was intended to be ironic. Perhaps it was a metaphor?

Artists are an arcane and subtle lot, so let's see if the straightforward, all-facts style of journalists is more clear-cut. Here's Bill Maher prodding people to assassinate the vice president on national television: “I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn't be dying needlessly tomorrow... I'm just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That's a fact.” Here's Courtland Milloy, Washington Post (WaPo) columnist, expressing his deep desire to “knock every racist and homophobic tooth out of their Cro-Magnon heads” because “they” disagreed with him on health care policy. Here's Linda Stasi of the New York Daily News comparing the Boston Marathon Bombers to one of their murder victims becuaes he was a filthy Republican bigot.

But the media talks a good game. What about actual politicians? You know, the people actually leading the Democratic Party? Rep. Paul Kanjorski, D-PA called for then-new Republican governor of Florida Rick Scott to be put up against a wall and shot. He clarified that Scott was a “millionaire and a billionaire,” a “damn crook,” which leads me to believe he was not speaking in metaphor when calling for his murder. A few months later he'd also react to the Giffords shooting with a New York Times op-ed calling for “an atmosphere of civility and respect.” State Rep. Chuck Kruger (a Democrat) tweeted that Cheney deserved the “same fate as Saddam.” Just a joke, bro, just a joke! Allen Brauer, communications chair of the Democratic Party of Sacramento County, wished death on the children of one of Ted Cruz's speechwriters: “May your children all die from debilitating, painful and incurable diseases.” Of course, this was justified because those evil Republicans started it.

I could - actually, it's 6AM, I have gone on all night documenting this, and I could go on another few. But if anyone else points this out - say, the NRA, in an ad saying “they use their movie stars and singers and comedy shows and award shows to repeat their narrative over and over again,” then the Washington Post (WaPo) whines that conservatives are “inciting violence.” As was detailed in the running debate with an antifa (anarcho-communist revolutionary) supporter on this very blog, the left is currently justifying violence via the dire need to “stop the Nazis who want us dead,” but when the NRA points out that the left is calling to “kill them [conservatives] first," it “sounds like an excerpt from North Korean state television,” a “stark picture” that's “designed to provoke fear, if not incite violence.”

A Qualitative Discrepancy

Some of you are already bristling, I'm sure, reaching out for tumblr and twitter links of conservatives advocating violence, or any of the left-wing politicians or groups who have received “hundreds” of death threats (usually anonymously, on the internet.) I'd link some myself, but aside from one WaPo story, every combination of search terms just turned up story after story detailing threats going the other way. Ho hum. It doesn't matter, because the quantitative argument, “look at all those redneck goons on twitter!” misses the point: you don't see right-wing public figures, media personalities and politicians issuing stark, unapologetic calls for violence. There's a vast discrepancy in who is making the threats between left and right - and why.

As illustrated by the above anecdotes, left-wing personalities are open, unabashed, and unapologetic about calling for Republicans to be murdered, in as many words. They don't bother walking their statements back even after someone acts on them. Even Phil Montag, who says “I won't say this publicly,” is still incensed enough to be shouting down his own Party colleagues in defense of someone who did publically chortle at attempted political assassination. Even if you live in 'Darkest Appalachia' where you can jaw about them damn 'coloreds' between bites of chaw, you don't dare get publicly identified saying it, because it'll cost you your job - and you sure as hell don't post it online yourself anywhere it's connected to your name. Liberals whinge about “microaggressions” and “subtle racism” because overt racism has been rejected by our culture for decades now. Many liberals hold conservatives to all be secret racists, harboring their despicable ideologies close to their vest, prevented from open expression only by the punitive power of larger culture - but even they agree that the left wing has all the cultural power. There is nobody they cannot destroy, and nobody too small to feel their wrath, as CNN's doxxing crusade against some random Redditor demonstrates. Leftists claim the violent Antifa riot staged to shut down Milo Yiannopoulos's Berkeley speech was justified, because he “used his platform to bully a transgender girl”(49:52) who was then harassed by internet trolls due to the publicity. I wonder how they feel about CNN - which has much more money, power, connections and influence than a single gay conservative writer - using their platform to target some random Redditor (who had an expectation of anonymity the transgender student did not) because Trump thought their meme was the dankest? Exposing his identity would assuredly wreck his life - SJWs take such glee in harassing employers to get people fired for voicing crimethink that they've got an entire tumblr dedicated to gloating about it.

The left wing has the power, and they know it. When a left-winger says “murder the President,” they're in the company of famous Hollywood actors, respected intellectuals and University professors, and even Democratic Party officials, both on and off the record. With leftists so geographically concentrated in major cities and in full control of every establishment capable of shaping opinion and ideology - the universities, the arts, even the media - they've no reason to feel afraid about being open with their crude, violent intolerance. Some of those professors in the above anecdotes paid with their jobs - (which doesn't mean they won't find another at a more “understanding” institution,) but some didn't - and only a few apologized. Almost all of them haven't deleted their tweets (hence the direct links to them), few apologized (often defensively and begrudgingly,) and a few, like that asshole Devine, actually doubled down. A conservative can't make a dank meme gif without CNN hunting them down and threatening to destroy them, but leftists can issue blatant terroristic threats under their own name and get away without any consequences whatsoever.

The Moral Disconnect

This is why left-wing violent rhetoric is far more dangerous and influential: the respectable authority of the establishments, institutions and public figures echoing it lends far greater weight to the arguments - effectively normalizing it as acceptable. They're also everywhere and repeated incessantly, because every traditional establishment of communication and education, from cradle to grave, is controlled by the left. This normalizes the narrative, which provides the moral justification for moral disengagement with the act of political violence itself. As Albert Bandura said, “Moral justification is a powerful disengagement mechanism. Destructive conduct is made personally and socially acceptable by portraying it in the service of moral ends. This is why most appeals against violent means usually fall on deaf ears.”

In many of the earlier anecdotes - including Montag saying that he wished Scalise had been killed - they immediately justify it by citing some Crime of The Right (healthcare policy is popular currently, and the grievance Montag himself used.) You hear it all the time from antifa supporters and anyone else calling Republicans “Nazis,” painting them as jackbooted thugs forming death squads even as they speak. Just consider select quotes from this HuffPo article calling for violent revolution:

"The rise of Donald Trump has exposed the frightening underbelly of America’s foulest tendencies. Our racism, nativism, xenophobia, misogyny, Islamophobia, ableism, and propensity toward authoritarianism have been laid bare... There’s been an upswing in anti-Muslim hate crimes that correlates with his candidacy—including several offenders who cite him as their inspiration. Another of his supporters beat an unhoused Latino man. Yet another sucker punched a demonstrator at a rally and then, more alarmingly, went on to say, “The next time we see him, we might have to kill him.” Treating this like politics as usual allows it to become politics as usual, and those who do so risk complicity ushering in a new era of fascist politics in the United States.”

It's often phrased as “turnabout is fair play,” justifying violence, coercion, harassment and other kind of thuggery and hatred on the grounds that “conservatives did it first.” These are the people who decry capital punishment as barbaric and cruel one moment, then wholeheartedly embrace Old Testament “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” rhetoric in the next. It's doublethink by definition, and as Orwell observed, the crucial prerequisite for enabling political violence. And like Orwell's doublethink, it's reliant on an overarching support structure of propaganda, cultural control and incitement to thrive. Unlike prejudice or bigotry, which is resentful, reactionary and bred by ignorance, moral disengagement needs an active social movement to incubate and reinforce the message, as a high school history teacher discovered when his social experiment (The Wave) to demonstrate the allure of fascism to his students took on a life of its own in just three short days. (And you thought fidget spinners were bad!) Violence incited, encouraged and enabled by an overarching social structure will of course mirror that structure in its aims, methods, and level of organization - and indeed, when you look at left-wing violence as it's currently conducted, that's exactly what you see.

Deliberate Strategy versus Provincial Bigotry

Republicans have their problems - if you're Republican and doubt that, you're either a moron, or one of the Presidential primary candidates that got their asses kicked square by a reality TV show star with a bad spray-tan. (But I repeat myself.) And those problems are largely provincial. Stereotypes come from somewhere, and for Republicans the image of the cloistered “flyover-country” hick stems directly from the “good ol' boys club” problem of provincial, smoking-room corruption.

We've a ready example in the Kansas budget crisis. One of my educated, intelligent liberal friends declared it the evil fruits of Reaganomics, the inevitable consequences of backwards conservative economic theory. After establishing that Gov. Sam Brownback tried to apply Federal-level tax cut strategy to a state, my diagnosis differed - I suspected Brownback of being a blithering moron acting with perceived immunity to public opinion only the Good Ol' Boys coven can offer. Five seconds on Google later, and I found a newly-elected moderate Republican legislator saying exactly that:

“What we’re having is a standoff with the governor holding on to the old days where he had all these people elected,” said Senator Barbara Bollier, a moderate Republican who voters promoted from the state House last year. “They aren’t there anymore, and he can’t let go and follow the will of the people.”

Plenty of people pointed out how Brownback's policies weren't True Conservatism and thus shouldn't tarnish it, but when people vote in a conservative governor who destroys the economy and state budget, you might say it reflects on conservatives, eh? The provincial attitudes of rural red-state Republicans do have problems, as the author of Hillbilly Elegy himself stated;

"Nearly everyone in my family who has achieved some financial success for themselves, from Mamaw to me, has been told that they’ve become “too big for their britches.” I don’t think this value is all bad. It forces us to stay grounded, reminds us that money and education are no substitute for common sense and humility. But, it does create a lot of pressure not to make a better life for yourself, and let’s face it: when you grow up in a dying steel town with very few middle class job prospects, making a better life for yourself is often a binary proposition: if you don’t get a good job, you may be stuck on welfare for the rest of your life.”

He also observes that it's at least in part a reaction to the sneering disdain from the coastal elites (which, post-Trump election, has become outright hatred,) but as Joshua Rothman points out, that logic only goes so far:

“It’s one thing to criticize a culture. It’s another to see that the culture being criticized is formed partly in response to other cultures, and that those cultures are, in turn, worth criticizing. This is why explaining human behavior is so difficult: the buck never stops. The explanations don’t come to an obvious, final resting place.”

This is the truth the “they started it” justifications of the left utterly miss and the one I try to remember. So I don't pretend that conservatives don't commit violence - they do. The leftists attempting enumeration of it demonstrate the usual stupidity, such as calling a lunatic that was literally eating a man's face off a “Trump supporter” because he was wearing a MAGA hat while chowing down, or the Uber Killer who claimed to be under the “control of the Uber app” when picking victims. You don't have to be a clinical psychologist to diagnose apeshit crazy as the primary factor in those. But just because internet leftists are lazy doesn't mean violent rednecks don't exist, and some of these people aren't just violent, but willing to ambush and kill cops. And some of them even form little terror cells and plot terrorist bombings. Oh yes - conservative violence exists.

The scale, however, is entirely different. Deliberate ambush murders of police is at a ten year high - and and it sure as hell isn't white conservatives defining the epidemic of murders, is it? It's minorities who - by their own admission - are putting into practice the violent rhetoric of Black Lives Matter, who openly celebrate cop killers as “black revolutionaries.” The right wing simply doesn't have a parallel to this - even when the gibbering lunatics called “sovereign citizens” manage to ooze out of their mother's basement long enough to commit violence, they don't come anywhere near the virulence of Black Lives Matter: “sovereign citizens” have killed six police officers since 2000, but twenty officers were ambushed and murdered in 2016 alone. Maybe - just maybe - it's got something to do with Black Lives Matter having slightly better PR than rambling lunatics on youtube.

Nor can three rednecks compare to Antifa and the anarcho-communist black block in general, who are a domestic terrorist organization who openly advocate (and carry out) sabotage of public infrastructure, have staged multiple violent riots across the country in just the last year to suppress their political opponents and have international reach, as they demonstrated in the massive riots in Hamburg just days ago. Three rednecks being led on by an FBI agent eagerly providing them with automatic rifles to entrap them, they ain't. It's not even unusual - right wing “militia” groups tend to be some middle-aged rednecks talking tough in a bar within earshot of an FBI informant hoping to justify his paycheck, like the “Hutaree” clowns whom turned out to be guilty of nothing but losing the genetic lottery. Even the Oklahoma City Bomber's closest encounter with the Michigan Militia was attending a few of their meetings (sitting quietly in his reeking trench-coat in the corner, presumably,) and considering that 80% of the Militia scattered to the winds once the tenuous connection was revealed by the media, it's hard to credit them as a serious threat. McVeigh's act of violence was so devastating to the militia movement's credibility that the militia considers him a CIA stooge in a plot to discredit them. Contrast to Black Lives Matter, which weathered the Dallas shooting without a hitch and is still going strong, if not stronger.

The most telling comparison by far, however, is the least spectacular - in contrast to the oft-cited racist or bigoted crimes against minorities, immigrants, homosexuals, etc., leftist violence targets Trump supporters. With conservatives, the politically motivated ones (i.e. anti-government militias) are all bark and no bite, unlike the racists and bigots. Leftists display the exact opposite behavior; their violence is overwhelmingly political, mirroring the nature of the social-political movements that provide them with legitimacy, support and a public platform. This helps explain why left-wing politicians are so comfortable with endorsing it, like Texas state Rep. Ramon Romero, who physically assaulted Rep. Matt Rinaldi before threatening to wait in the parking lot and ambush him on his way to his car. On the floor of the Texas state legislature, no less. Left-wing violence isn't just outlash - it's revolution. It's violence with goals defined by ideology. If you doubt, just consider who is committing the violence.

College Professors and Students versus Middle-Aged Trailer Trash

One of the black-masked Antifa members who has been arrested for his crimes is Eric Clanton, former adjunct professor at Diablo Valley College, who was videotaped fracturing some Trump supporter's skulls with a u-lock during the Berkeley riots. The masked Clanton was identified by the "weaponized autism" of 4chan (compare to CNN, which can hunt down and coerce one random redditor, but found Eric Clanton to be unworthy of coverage.) “Conservative” violence invariably comes from middle-aged  welfare-roll racists or flat-out skinheads, not otherwise-upstanding members of society - and certainly not the youth.

Nowhere is this more evident than the recent (and ongoing) insanity at Evergreen State College in California, where radicalized students have piled excess upon excess. What's most striking about the whole affair is how little I've heard of it - every time I hear more about it, new details are revealed that've seen scant to no national coverage. The latest information comes from a HuffPo article published by one of Evergreen University's own provosts, who just left the University this month. To summarize, students on this campus have:

Set upon a professor in an unruly mob to threaten, harass and intimidate, ultimately resulting in the University police telling him to avoid campus for his own safety,

Taken University administrators, including the President, hostage, complete with guards to escort them to and from the bathroom, all to coerce compliance with their list of demands - while the police milled around outside due to President Bridges cowardly order to stand down,

Until the President, who'd repeatedly ordered campus police to stand down, had to call in the State troopers for help after things got even worse despite his appeasement (they can be seen in the HuffPo article patrolling campus in full riot gear,)

And finally, the students forced a “community patrol” armed with baseball bats not just for “protection” from outside threats, but to intimidate other students who disagreed (there was a “scuffle” between students because some were chalking up messages to “get back to teaching.”)

But the cherry atop this turd tartufo is the lone death threat phoned in by someone promising to take down all those “communist scumbags” with a “.44 magnum,” who turned out to be - you guessed it - a 53 year old unmarried sad-sack racist with hints of mental health issues.

The conceit of leftists is telling us the last bullet point is at least equal to the preceding four, if not outright justifying the thuggery, violence, and coercion by dint of the grave and dire threat posed by some daffy trailer trash.

To reiterate, at Evergreen University, we've seen a student body, acting in the name of social justice and countering vile racists, go from mob justice to revolution to forming their own Gestapo in the space of a few months. A few months. This alone should give anyone pause, but it's not alone - it's just one more drop in the damn bucket of violence, hate and revolutionary rhetoric.

And that deep well of dangerous people has an unparalleled ability to recruit, organize, and mobilize.

Organized, Mobilized, and Well-Led

Left-wing violence has always been organized, or quickly self-organized; from the French Revolution, to the overthrow of the Czar in Russia, till the spate of 19th-century Communist uprisings that created terrifying totalitarian dictatorships that last today (including Cuba and North Korea.) Revolutionaries are violent by definition, since rejecting the legitimacy of a ruling state's laws entire leaves only one recourse for deposing it. To defeat a state's army, you need an army yourself.

Here is the left wing's army in action.

It's impossible to understate the severity or scale of what happened at the G20. The largest black bloc protest in history - enough to overwhelm the 20,000 police officers present - showed up and basically ran the show. They were even using social media to hunt down reporters that didn't agree with them - aided by establishment journalists. Click that link - the journalist describes how people were hunted down and beaten half to death because they were standing near her in the photo a journalist from a major German newspaper tweeted.

This is the power of the black bloc. They are an army, by definition. Consider, for a moment, what an army needs:

Young people, because soldiering is a young man's job - whether you're throwing hand grenates or molotov cocktails, you need to be fit and reckless

Leadership, because even a mob needs some inspiration, some demagogue - a Robespierre - to push them into acting together at the right time.

Ideology, because you need a reason to fight, a reason a lot of people can agree on strongly enough to unite, even if it's just a mob.

As I've established above, the violence-inciters and violence-doers on the left wing meet all these criteria. They're invariably young, they're educated in extremist ideology by extremist college professors (who set the example themselves, as Eric Clanton shows,) and they have a smorgasbord of left-wing voices to serve as demagogues, people who's latest utterances are on everyone's lips and Twitter feed by the next morning. But above all, the ideology - the political nature of the beast - is the most essential. Ideology unites, motivates and inspires in a way reactionary racism, resentment or bigotry simply cannot. Jews had been brutalized and persecuted for centuries before Hitler rose to power - anti-semetism was just one pre-existing prejudice he levered (along with nationalist resentment, poverty-born desperation and a rudderless young generation.) Racism alone isn't enough to drive wars and mass atrocities like ethnic cleansing and genocide. Consider the Kosovo War; the parties weren't just ethnic groups, but nations; a complete identity formed by culture, religion and inter-group loyalty - summed up, this forms a complete and distinct ideology. For racism to drive organized, effective and widespread right-wing violence, it must be part of a national identity - which is precisely why the Ku Klux Klan proliferated in the South, which was such a culturally, religiously, economically and thus ideologically distinct nation that it eventually formed a nation-state and started a Civil War. Racism and bigotry can prod bitter people (and the older they are, the more bitterness they've had in life) to murder people in ones and twos, but only ideology can motivate the young masses into an army capable of great crimes.

The left understands this - which is precisely why they're suddenly screaming “white supremacist” every chance they get. Racism isn't an ideology, but “white supremacy” is. It's essential to establish the existence of a sincere, widespread “white supremacy” movement in the right wing for their caterwauling of Naziiiiiiiii to be taken seriously.

It doesn't exist, of course. And if you look at the right-wing militias themselves, you start seeing why - they're a bunch of old farts, bored and bitter, fantasizing about how they'd blow away those government goons if they came to their house to confiscate all their guns. Not how they'd lead the Glorious Revolution - not how they'd stride into the Federal Reserve and upend the money-changer's tables before casting them from the temple - no, just how they'd defend Their Own Castle (Doctrine.) This is get off my lawn cranked to eleven, Ultra-Reee: Knee Deep in the Dad.

Young people don't find this exciting, sexy, or inspiring. And that's why these people show up at City Hall to scream NOT ON MY FRONT LAWN, but rarely, if ever, do anything violent. They never walk the walk. They're LARPing attention whores. Antifa puts on masks to fracture people's skulls, loot stores, torch cars and throw bricks at cops. Militia members put on masks and walk into police stations with assault rifles... so they can lie on the floor and shout AM I BEING DETAINED? (That link must be seen to be believed.)

The Bundy clowns are perhaps the perfect case-study - a bunch of ranchers with purely local range-related resentments that'd simmered for years before they occupied a government office, armed to the teeth - only to give up without firing a shot, the only casualty being a militiaman shot dead in circumstances shady enough that the Fed responsible was prosecuted for lying about the circumstances.

Compare that sorry dumpster fire to what Antifa's managed in the last twelve months alone - not only have they staged multiple violent riots in cities across America, not only have they achieved their goals (wider publicity and the silencing of speakers they hate,) but they're also forming their own militias now. Sure, they're just a different flavor of obsese LARPer at present - but that puts them equal to where the right-wing militias have been at for decades. This is where the right-wing peaks - and the left wing starts.

If you want to see where the left-wing ends, look at Hamburg, where the fires are still smouldering...

...and the left wing apologists are already downplaying and justifying it.

Clear and Present Danger

Now that I've documented the nonstop litany of outright, unabashed left-wing hatred being repeated by actors, Democratic party operatives and establishment journalists - echoing the open calls for violence and murder of conservatives - and observed both how quickly and naturally the left wing translates its ideology to organized oppression (Evergreen College), how that organized violence is already underway in the United States (Antifa's multiple riots across the country) and what these people are capable of, given time (the literal takeover of the entire city of Hamburg,) I want you to imagine how conservatives feel when CNN screams about a meme wrestling gif.

Or the New York Times screeching over cross-hair graphics on a map.

Or being told that those racist birther guys harassed Obama, so it's all a wash.

We've all been frustrated to have our friends rebuff arguments we thought were incontrovertibly true - it's only the normal friction between people. There's some things even close friends will never see eye-to-eye on. But conservatives can't shrug this topic off as mere disagreement, anymore. Using the tu quoque fallacy (right out of the Soviet playbook) to avoid admitting the problem of left-wing violence is bad enough, but now the left wing is using the purported existence of organized, militant right wing violence (“Nazis”) to justify violence against us. When you deflect or dismiss the existence of left-wing violence - or assert a parity with right-wing violence - you're dismissing a grave threat not only to us personally, but to the stability and continued existence of our democratic government as a whole. Everything I've detailed above isn't happening in a vacuum - also remember that California's begun forming its own foreign policy (in direct violation of the United States Constitution,) and the left actively encouraged deposing the rightful winner of the Presidential election by encouraging electors to break the law. The laws of civil society, the rules we all agree to follow, the underpinning of the social contract itself, is starting to unravel. The left wing is starting to look a lot like their own nation - with all that implies. And when we point to the sharp end of the spear; the Antifa rioter with a club, being pushed forward and supported by the entire left wing - we're scoffed at.

And that pisses us off.

Ere The Conservative Began To Hate

Conservatives have felt marginalized for a long time, because the left dominates so many of the important public spaces. It's not just the presence, but the vitriolic, savage hatred displayed against people who dare to speak up against leftist orthodoxy (and I do mean leftist, not liberal.) I've personally been threatened by a professor and had an African-American classmate stand up and scream me down. The tenured professor who threatened me has survived multiple complaints (much worse than mine) and my journalism professor not only took my screaming classmates side, but gently asked, in roundabout fashion, if I'd inherited my prejudices from my parents (all because I called Kwame Kilpatrick a crook - at least the courts agree with me.) Conservatives are used to being censored and cowed everywhere that really matters - in school, at work, you name it. And over the years, it's only gotten worse. We've tried to talk, and tried to talk, and tried to talk, and all that's gotten us is backed against a wall begging for “dialectic” while a screaming lynch mob closes in.

We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it anymore. Moderate conservatives are about to give up on “talking” permanently, because it's clearly not working. You can't talk to masked thugs with clubs. Our concerns aren't imaginary, and they can't be brushed off - and this is the last chance for the liberals to engage with us and at least consider why we're scared stiff. If moderate liberals don't do this, and continue making excuses for the violent leftists in their own party, then the bloodshed that started on that baseball field will continue. The militant left will not stop, not as long as people who damn well know better are making excuses for them. And while our majority might be Silent, it's anything but cowardly. The militant, violent left is going to get more than they're bargaining for. And our last opportunity to halt this madness is slipping by because of people willfully denying reality. If liberals continue to ignore the problem, refuse to confront the true nature of the leftists sheltering behind them and allow them to keep pushing their agenda of violence, the blood will continue to flow.

#leftism #alt right #cnn #media bias #media #politics #donald trump #trump #leftist violence #leftist #punch a nazi #violence #extremism #steve scalise #congress shooting #radical left

[tessatechaitea]

New Titans #0

At first I thought Beast Boy had a tiny erection.

Steel seems upset that Arsenal's new roster of Titans are just kids because he obviously hasn't been paying attention to the adjective before "Titans" during the last several decades. I can see why he'd be upset though. He wants the Titans to sign a contract to work with the government and teenagers probably can't sign the contract legally without parental consent. And how is he going to get that?! One of the other major features of the Titans over the last several decades is that their parents were all assholes and psychopaths. Looks like The New Titans can't work for the government! The government probably should have figured out all the details before paying off all of the Titans' debt and giving them a satellite.

I don't mean to sound ableist but Changeling is fucking disgusting.

Fine, I did mean to sound ableist. Changeling's new disability makes me sick. I didn't mind when he would turn into an elephant or a rhino or a gorilla because then he only had one giant swinging dick. Now he's 95% penises! Sorry, I don't mean to sound homophobic but did I also mention the penises are also green and that one of the newer commercials for a class action lawsuit against a diabetes drug asks if you suffered from genital gangrene? See, now you're sick too!

These two guys from New Jersey are trying to catch a few of Gar's penises in their mouths.

Crimelord (remember him from Deathstork the Hunted #0? I guess he's the new evil nemesis of the Titans universe. And maybe the entire DC Universe!) is causing chaos in America, almost blowing up the World Trade Center seven years before it's supposed to get blown up. But the new New Titans are out to stop his henchmen. Those Titans are Arsenal, Damage, Terra, Mirage, and Changeling. The henchmen are men in giant robot armor, some jerk named Slagg, and a misshapen woman named Coven.

I didn't think she was misshapen until this panel.

Although maybe it's not Coven's fault. I think maybe there's something wrong with my eyes.

Is there an optical condition that makes you see people as having giant thighs?!

If there were an optical condition like the one I described in the previous caption, it would probably be call Brettbootharacts. Is Mirage still pregnant with Deathwing's rape baby? What are the negative consequences of battling super villains while being pregnant? I bet it's worse than drinking too much alcohol while pregnant! Notice I said "too much alcohol"? You can drink while pregnant. Non-American adults do it all the time! I mean, not "all the time" because that's actually the problem. But in moderate quantities, your baby will be fine! Probably! And even if it isn't, it's just a stupid new baby! You just met it! How attached can you be?

I have to admit: I thought about all the people who would probably get choked up reading this line about the World Trade Center and said a little prayer for them. Poor bastards. They're the real victims, having to be sad for the rest of their lives.

There's this terrible conservative game show on Fox called Spin the Wheel. Here was my first reaction to it which I wrote on Twitter or somewhere else on the Internet: Spin the Wheel is right-wing fantasy of what they wish television was. The only people who get a chance to win lots of money are ones they think deserve the chance. When discussing the Las Vegas shooting, they just call it a "tragedy" and never mention what actually happened. It's called "Spin the Wheel" but it should be called "Touch the Wheel." Um, that's evidence that they ignore reality while still believing things are what they are because they say they are (and also the audience chants the "truth" the entire time). Although the best part is the rift they're causing in these "deserving" families because the idiot trusted family member keeps costing the family millions of dollars. Oh, sure, they act like they don't care on television. But that fucking wound is permanent! Ha ha! See, the rift is caused because the final four spins of the wheel work like Deal or No Deal. The show offers the person a deal to walk away. But the person doesn't get to pick. Instead, a loved one makes that decision. When the person spins the wheel (I mean touches the wheel), the ball inside the wheel can either land on some money or a Back to Zero wedge. If the ball lands on Back to Zero and the loved one didn't take a deal, they lose all of their money and go home humiliated. But if the loved ones takes the deal on the first or second or third spin, the person spinning can still win millions of dollars which are then lost because the loved one took an early deal. It's a fucking rigged set-up for the family and I'll tell you why. The only thing for the loved one to do is to never take the deal. You might go home with zero dollars but you avoid something even worse: rooting against your loved one. As soon as the person who can take the deal takes the deal, they have to hope that the person spinning loses everything. They have to. Otherwise, they made a poor choice and cost their loved one millions of dollars. And I can't help but think that anybody rooting for their loved one to crap out on the wheel is a fucking piece of shit. Now, you might be saying, "Hey, they took the deal as insurance! Even if their loved one wins millions, they couldn't have known. They did the smart thing!" But here's the thing about being a human: you know the loved one who took the deal wants proof that they made the correct choice. They don't want to be responsible for all the money lost if their loved one never hits a Back to Zero wedge. Therefore anybody who takes the deal is a fucking traitorous rat and I, for one, would never fucking forgive them. "You took the second deal?! That means you wanted me to fail every spin after that, you fucking asshole! Get out of my life!" is totally how I'd react on national television. Not that Fox would ever think I was deserving of touching the wheel! That was a digression because the rest of the comic book was just idiotic Teen Titan banter. You know the kind! "I want to fuck you so bad, you ugly shitstain!" "Ew, you make me so mad that I want to stick my tongue in your butt!" "Will you two knock it off already because Changeling is masturbating again!" "Gross! All of his dicks at once?! Gag me with a spoon!" Oh wait. This comic was from 1994 and not 1984. Although didn't Wayne and Gar bring back gag me with a spoon?! Probably! Not! Ha ha! New Titans #0 Rating: C-. Boy howdy was this an average comic book! The best part about owning this series is that I have conclusive proof of when I became a man! Between New Titans #114 and New Titans #115 when I finally grew up and realized this comic book was terrible and I should stop reading it. But I didn't stop reading all terrible comic books so maybe I became a man later. Or, more apt, will become a man later! Hopefully soon because I can't wait to see what a woman's ding dong looks like!

#New Titans #DC Comics #DC #Teen Titans #Comic Book Reviews

[aion-rsa]

Sarah Phelps interview: Agatha Christie is Always Asking ‘Are You Paying Attention?’

https://ift.tt/2AFepOB

‘You ordinary bitch!’ snarls Sarah Phelps, ‘put your cheap knickers on and get out of my house!’ The interview hasn’t taken a strange turn; she’s laughing down the phone, quoting along with memorable lines from her BBC One Agatha Christie adaptations. 

‘Oh, it brings me so much joy. It’s like The Witness for the Prosecution’s Romaine screaming in court ‘You fucking men! You fucking men!’ and then hissing at Mayhew like a cat!’ One of Phelps’ friends downloaded Andrea Riseborough’s hiss in that scene to use as her text message alert. ‘I get such a thrill out of it.’ 

Phelps’ screenwriting is built on thrill. There’s the all-out thrill of the story she’s telling plus the tiny power-jolts of thrill she injects into dialogue. It’s for us, but also, for her. ‘I’m the audience, me.’ If she’s laughing or crying while writing, she feels she’s getting it right. 

Obsessed, joy, buzz and pleasure are words she repeats again and again talking about television, hers and other people’s. Her current TV obsession is Michaela Coel’s I May Destroy You. ‘It’s outstanding. Outstanding. I love the layers and the complexity. It’s not didactic, it’s dynamic. It’s about friendship and how the fuck we live.’

Phelps is an exhilarating interviewee. She doesn’t answer in sentences or paragraphs but detonates her thoughts – a locomotive gathering speed. Lists of questions and synonyms spill out, culminating in unarguable conclusions. She finds Agatha Christie clever, sly, cloaked, watchful, veiled, secretive. Christie’s books are brutal, violent, horrible, subversive, seditious. ‘She is not dicking around.’

Reviews of Phelps’ Christie adaptations, both from critics and viewers, fixate on her language. One described the dialogue in 2019 two-parter The Pale Horse as ‘so Phelpsian it stuck out like a sore thumb.’ What does Phelps think that adjective means? 

‘Probably that someone’s done a swear,’ she laughs. In that review’s case, she’s spot-on. The quote cited is Rita Tushingham calling the devil ‘old hairy bollocks with his goat hooves’ – a treat, surely, to any ear. More seriously, she hopes that Phelpsian means ‘robust’. 

‘I don’t like to think that it’s just because it’s sweary or somebody says ‘bollocks’, but there’s a twist in it somewhere. It’s kind of really ugly but elegant at the same time.’ In The Pale Horse, there’s a line describing Rufus Sewell’s character as ‘a broken, sweaty ape’ and that gave her a buzz. It’s now her Twitter bio, preceded by the legend ‘Screenwriter. Pervert. BBC Monster’, the last two inspired by choice online criticism received when her Christie adaptations aired. 

In the last five years, Phelps has adapted five Agatha Christie stories for BBC One – And Then There Were None, The Witness For The Prosecution, Ordeal By Innocence, The ABC Murders and The Pale Horse. Before And Then There Were None, she’d never read Christie, having been put off by the popular take that her world was all toffs and whist-playing vicars – tea party murder mysteries wrapped cosily in a twinset and pearls. 

Instead, what Phelps found in Christie was brutal, flinty-eyed judgment. She sees Christie as an observer, a recorder of pre- and post-war Englishness. ‘In The ABC Murders, she is very, very aware that there is something really unpleasant going on in England in the 1930s. She actively references the talk about foreigners and the hostility. She doesn’t make that her leading thing, she’s just absorbing it and always saying ‘Are you paying attention? I am writing about this, are you paying attention?’ 

Paying attention to Christie has been Phelps’ mission since And Then There Were None left her reeling. It’s the story of a group of seemingly unconnected characters summoned to a remote island where, one by one, they’re killed off according to the lines of a children’s poem. When Phelps read it, she felt existential menace. ‘This was what it was like to be standing on the edge of the world with a catastrophe rushing towards you. Here’s this unblinking, remorseless God who’s going to end your life because of the things that you’ve done.’

That’s what underpins Christie’s portrait of the English national character, she says, ‘the things that we’ve done and how we try desperately hard not to be caught.’ She describes it a preoccupation of Christie’s, and the connecting theme of her adaptations. 

‘How do we hide the things we’ve done so nobody calls us to account? How do I keep my nice life and not get caught for the terrible things that I’ve done? How do I carry on being this civilised English person? How do I carry on enjoying my life? How do I carry on with my power and my wealth? How do I avoid accountability? What will we do to retain our power?’

Read more

TV

The ABC Murders: what to expect from John Malkovich’s Poirot

By Gem Wheeler

TV

Ordeal By Innocence episode 3 review

By Louisa Mellor

Phelps has a theory, based on Christie’s experience as a dispensing chemist in the Voluntary Aid Detachment during the First World War, that ‘she saw the world in a really quantum way – a grain here, a grain there, you can barely see it but it makes what was known entirely unknown.’ The bounds forward in medicine that Christie witnessed would have revealed how tiny, invisible specks of dirt under a fingernail could mean the difference between life and death, and, thinks Phelps, her imagination would have been duly nurtured by that understanding.

‘I always imagine her measuring out the infinitesimal grains of pharmaceuticals, and beyond that lies the whole smashed landscape of what we thought we knew.’ Phelps takes a rare pause and, less rare, laughs at herself. ‘Of course, I could be totally talking out of my arse.’

She has another theory, based on the 1944 Broadway production of And Then There Were None. Christie was asked by a producer to make the bloodbath ending cheerier for a war-stricken audience, says Phelps. Christie did as asked, allowing two of the characters who die in the novel – Vera Claythorne and Philip Lombard – to survive and swan off together into the sunset. 

‘She went ‘you want a happy ending? Okay, a child murderer who shows absolutely no remorse and a mass murderer. You want them to have a romantic, happy ending? That’s what you want? That’s what you want out of my book. Okay, you can have it. After that, her books change.’

‘I always feel that there’s a judgment from Christie about what people want, that they will forget the sin really easily to pander to their own sense of contentment. She feels like she’s scrutinising the reader. There’s always a tussle between the book that Agatha Christie wants to write and the book she knows that people want to read.’

Some see Phelps as a Christie revisionist, adding darkness, sexing up the stories and dimming down the lights, kicking in social commentary with a stiletto heeled boot. To a certain viewer, she’s a sweary witch hell-bent on destroying the thoroughgoing loveliness of good old-fashioned British stories. About murder. And serial killers. And hangings and poisonings and child death and adulterers and bludgeonings. Stories about the hell of motherhood and, to quote Phelps, ‘the quotidian savagery of marriage.’ 

Her adaptations are less revisionist than archaeological, I suggest. Over the decades, Christie’s writing has been built over with layers of fame and opinion and industry, and Phelps has been scraping that away to reach the bones. She likes the image. From the novels and short stories, those bones have called out to her, drawing attention to themselves through ‘absences, little things that don’t quite make sense, little misdirections, odd little details.’ 

Such as? ‘In Ordeal by Innocence. You’re reading it and you suddenly come across something really, really strange and wonder what the hell it’s doing there.’ Among all the bumbling policemen failing to notice things, a character fantasises about seeing his mother after a car crash with her hair lying in a puddle of oil on the Great North Road. The violence of the image exploded into Phelps’ head.

‘That’s why I had no problem with changing the killer in Ordeal By Innocence.’ It’s the story of a murdered philanthropist who’d adopted a number of children to raise in her stately home. The book’s original killer, says Phelps, made no sense. ‘By the time I’d got to where [spoiler] walked in and brained her, it makes so much sense I didn’t think anything of it. It just felt like that was what the book was telling me to do.’

‘What really killed this woman? What killed this mother? Why is this woman trying to be the perfect mother? Why is this story being told in the 1950s, where everything is supposed to be about bunting and celebration?’ Phelps took all the violence of the time and used it to tell the story she thought Christie really wanted to tell. 

To do that, Phelps first had to get Christie’s characters talking to her. And when they started talking, she was often surprised – and thrilled – by what they said. Mayhew’s wife, a character she invented for The Witness for the Prosecution, screaming ‘you don’t want to be loved, you want to be forgiven!’ was one surprise. Another was Monica Dolan’s character in that adaptation being marched off to her death with the gentle protest ‘Not today, thank you, it’s not convenient.’ There was Jack, one of the grown-up adopted children in Ordeal By Innocence telling his father ‘I am your plague and I’m coming for you.’ All surprises, says Phelps. All thrills. 

She imagines every detail of her characters, inside and out. Costume, posture, fears…

‘What is somebody doing when you can’t see them? What do they dream about? What wakes them up in 4 o clock in the morning absolutely cold with sweat? What is the thing that they don’t want anyone to ever find out about? What is the sole burning flame in their life, what would happen if it got extinguished? Do they expect a blow to fall and where do they expect that blow? Do they think they’re going to make old bones? A character like Bill Sykes [Phelps wrote the 2007 BBC adaptation of Oliver Twist], does he think he’s going to live much past the age of 30? Does he know that it’s coming for him? How does he hold himself, is he braced at every single moment for the charge that’s going to take him out? Has he got eyes in the back of his head? This woman, where does she think her danger is? How long did it take her to put on that smile to face the world so no-one knows that she’s about to go stark staring mad? All the time you’re thinking about that, all the time. And it’s only then that they can talk to me.’

She stops momentarily, laughing at her outpouring. ‘That sounds nuts! That sounds nuts!’ Then she keeps going.

‘You want these people to talk to you, you want to unpeel them from preconception and see their humanity and understand why they’ve done what they’ve done. Because if they’re just doing it because they’ve always done it since the book was published, then you’re not really adapting the book are you?’ 

‘We all think we know who Hercule Poirot is’, she says of her 2018 version of The ABC Murders starring John Malkovich as the Belgian detective, ‘but his character has got to be a mystery. Otherwise, it’s just another Poirot isn’t it? And what’s the bloody point in doing that?’ 

Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders is streaming now in the UK on Acorn TV

The post Sarah Phelps interview: Agatha Christie is Always Asking ‘Are You Paying Attention?’ appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2O1Y8Gy

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek