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accioprocrastination · 4 months

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One Day At A Time (Part 6/?)

Jake "Hangman" Seresin x reader

Summary: Hangman's fiancée is hospitalised and Jake waits for her to wake up

T/W: Anxiety, panic disorder, PTSD, POW, hints to torture, SA, abortion, pregnancy references, death

A/N: Sorry this got so much darker than I was expecting... Also as per I haven't proof read so ignore the grammar

Part 5 in case you missed it

Jake POV -

Jake wakes up stomach rumbling with a dead arm from clutching your hand as he sleeps. He momentarily breaks your hand hold to move his arm a bit, hoping to regain some feeling.

A consultant walks in smiling slightly at Jake as they make eye contact through the glass of the door.

"Morning." the doctor says walking in.

"Any news today?" Jake responds hopeful that you'll be coherent enough to talk to him soon.

The man proceeds to walk Jake through all of your bigger injuries - you arm and several ribs are broken; your ankle is sprained; they've operated on your shoulder to make sure it heals correctly. No haemorrhage from hitting your head but you might have a mild concussion.

"There's one other thing as well." The doctor says meeting Jake's gaze.

"I don't like that look doc, what is it?" Jake's nerves skyrocket from the doctor's obvious hesitation.

All of the colour in Jake's face drains as the doctor starts explaining to him what an ectopic pregnancy is. He shudders in repulsion as the doctor says the same thing in a slightly different way in an effort to fully express that it's not viable.

He cuts the doctor off when they start talking about treatment options. "I-I-I just need a minute." Jake says tears filling his eyes. "It's not about the abortion. I just need a minute to process that someone's done that too my Y/N." Jake tries to explain that this isn't a pro-life meltdown.

He doesn't see the doctor nod but he hears the man leave.

The second the door shuts Jake lets out a loud sob at the glimpse of what the last few years have looked like for you. He hunches over stomach clenching from worry - he knows that the minute you find that out that particular diagnosis, you're going to freak out.

Jake continues to cry he thinks back to the only other time you've been pregnant. The time that it was his kid and there were complications. Whatever bastard did this to you is going to unknowingly force you to relive that day.

Jake fruitlessly wipes his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie then turns back to you face still wet from the tears silently falling down his cheeks. "This changes nothing with you and me sweets. I will be here every step of the way if you want me to." Jake says kissing your hand.

Having gone through a million emotions in the span of a few minutes Jake needs to step out of the room to try and let go of his rage.

Reader POV -

Every muscle In your body is tense in the knowledge that someone was nearby when you were trying to wake up earlier.

Wires and tubing press uncomfortably against your back. Why would they lie you over them that seems stupid?

You lie there controlling your breathing, eyes shut tightly just listening for signs of someone else.

I really don't want to open my eyes in case I'm not alone.

It's eerily quiet. All you can hear is the faint buzzing of tinnitus in your ears and a machine steadily beeping.

Okay, no one else is here, you tell yourself before gently opening your eyes. You scan the otherwise empty hospital room frowning in confusion. You're not sure whether someone was next to you or whether you dreamt that someone was in the vacant chair by your side?

There's fresh flowers and a card on the windowsill, so someone has been here.

A male nurse walks in as you try to disconnect from the machines behind you.

"Please don't do that! You're in the hospital." He says to you.

God my head is pounding.

"I got out?" you murmur in response, so drained that even talking is more of an effort than it has been recently.

"Yes you got out. You're okay." He confirms.

You nod slightly in recognition of what he just said, but mentally you completely disagree that you're okay right now.

"How's the pain on a scale from one to ten?" He questions.

Groaning in pain you shift slightly, you don't verbalise the feeling that you can only imagine is similar to being hit by a bus. Instead you ask "Can I self discharge?"

"It would be strongly against our medical advice if you were to self discharge right now. I would recommend that you stay here under observation and on the IV for a few more days." He grimaces at the prospect of you leaving this room.

"I'm not staying here." You exclaim, wincing slightly as you rip out a needle from your arm.

"Let me just go get a consultant to talk everything through with you and if you still want to leave after that, then you can." The nurse says hesitantly before jogging out of the room. I think he must be new to the role.

The door to your room opens and you suddenly understand the nurse's hesitancy as two police officers walk in.

You try to dart into an upright position to be more alert but whimper at your body's reluctance to move. The agony radiating from your left arm is unbearable. I can't imagine what sitting up would've felt like if that hadn't put my arm in this sling.

"Oh great you're awake!" The young police lady says standing pencil straight by the side of your bed ready to start questioning you.

"You're in the hospital, do you know what happened?" The guy questions you.

"What happened to Ghost?" You begin your own interrogation for answers.

"High on painkillers?" The female officer turns to the man who shakes his head.

"Was that your back seaters callsign?" He queries.

"Yeah. Is h-h-" You nod but you're cut off by the officer.

"It was instant. He wouldn't have felt anything." He answers without making you ask.

You cover your eyes with the palms of your hands fighting to regain a semblance of composure at how abysmal that news makes you feel.

The anxious ringing in your head eventually subsides and you remove your hands from your face. You're somehow still surprised to see that the officers stayed for however long it took for you to be able to fake okay.

"I need to go home." you admit quietly more to yourself than to them. You don't articulate that you just want to blanket cocoon on your sofa while Jake silently assures you that everything is going to be fine.

Your hands quiver slightly at the reality that he might not have waited for you; your home might not even be your home anymore.

Thoughts torrent your mind before you finally muster the courage to ask the room what date it is.

"April the 8th" The police lady answers.

"W-w-what year is it?" You speak up. The police man standing silently in the doorway looks horrified at the prospect that you might not know that but he interjects and answers you anyway.

"Shit." You respond in momentary disbelief that it's been that long.

I mean it felt like forever but I had convinced myself it had been a couple of months and i'll go home to everything the same.

"Jake thinks I've been dead for four years?" tears flood your eyes and your voice breaks, for the first time in years it's not from disuse.

How the fuck am I meant to go home after that amount of time?

If he hasn't moved onto someone else, surely he would've at least mourned you. If he's said goodbye to you like that how is it fair to suddenly reappear?

None of this is fucking fair.

Ghost should be here too.

Jake POV

Jake's heart drops to the floor as he carefully opens your room door to reveal an empty bed. From the haphazard sheets and wires flung across the room, he knows that no one has taken you into surgery without consulting him.

You're still in fight or flight mode.

He discards his unopened sandwich on the table and runs to the nurse's station.

"Room 26 - where is she?" Jake asks the guy behind the desk.

"She asked to self discharge; she's gone." he shrugs.

"She's gone?" Jake clarifies.

"Yep. If you can convince her to come back to hospital I think that would be in her best interest." He responds.

Five minutes - I was gone for five fucking minutes. Jake flings himself down the stairs, running at full speed to the exit.

He forces himself to stop when he's out of the hospital. He glances over everyone in the immediate vicinity.

You have to be here somewhere. And yet you're not here.

Where on earth would you go?

After all this time would you go home?

Home is fucking miles away - how would you get there with no phone and no money?

Jake's heart pounds in his chest as he walks to his car. He walks at a snail's pace so that he can check everyone that crosses his path isn't you.

I'll find you. I promise I'll find you.

Part 7

Masterlist

Tags:

@inthestars-underthesun

@rainy-darling

@emma8895eb

@tgmreader

@ems-alexandra

@djs8891

@els-marvelvsp

@lets-turn-and-burn

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sharpmarble76 · 1 year

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I don't know if people really understand the effect simple things have on others. As a fanfiction author, yes I write my weird little stories for myself, but once you get a comment or a kudos or a vote or whatever it may be, everything sort of shifts.

It gains a sense of responsibility yes, but it also gains a new excitement. For example, we've all been that little kid scribbling away with a crayon. We're going to do other similar crayon drawings, but nothing feels as good as showing that little picture to your parent, guardian, or whoever else. I and the other authors/artists are that little kid with the crayon drawing.

If you leave a comment, I will always remember that. Even if it's just 'good chapter.' or 'im about to commit murder 😃🔪' or '❤️❤️❤️'. Authors and artists remember these things!! If you are one of the people who leave essay comments, I have to sit down and take a minute to calm down enough to have a coherent reply. You dear friend, are wonderful.

If you keep coming back or leave multiple comments, I REMEMBER YOU!! I may even consider you a fandom friend or in Tumblr language, a mutual! I see you!!!!!

If you make art, or a story of your own, or make a translation,,,,,, I would die for you. I save the art. I look at it. I downloaded it to my camera roll and favorite it. I read your fic. I comment on it as well. I recommend your translation in the authors note because that may be more convenient for people to read.

I try to express just how much it means to me that you did any of the above things especially the things in the last paragraph. The words don't word. I end up going, "I absolutely love it!!!!!!!!" And "jteaykrsktrsotaptd" and it doesn't work. Well, not entirely. That may send the message across mostly. You see that on your side of the screen and on my side, you would see me pacing, talking to myself about how wow that is amazing and so sweet and oh my heck I would die for you, and doing a weird jazz hands thing and putting my hand over my heart, and sitting down because I need a minute-, and I never forget.

It makes me want to do so much more. It makes me love my weird little creation that much more and grants motivation. I ALWAYS remember. And I think about it all the time. And when I post more I think, 'oh, I hope this meets their expectations and I hope they like it!!' And 'wow I'm getting better at this, I wonder if they noticed?' And 'wow I love and appreciate you so much!'

Even if it's a little thing, it means the world to us little crayon drawing people.

#thank you for coming to my ted talk #random #fanfiction stuff #see this?#i could say so much more #but i need to go to bed

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deadendtracks · 2 months

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Response to @divinekangaroo's reply to me in this thread:

Reading your comments up above, it also struck me I'm falling into the Myth of Tommy Shelby as that educated self-critical man, too, which he sort of presents - when in fact he's frequently very uncritical / unplanned and just *does the thing* then suffers the consequences after. (Also the kind of: Tommy saying "i'm an extreme example of what a working class man can achieve" - the delusion in this statement. "I have no limitations." again, the delusion. Does he even believe these words he's saying?)

Yeah, that's just it: he's not educated (traditionally) -- he's an autodidact. He's very intelligent but he is *not* an intellectual -- he doesn't have the time or patience for it. For most of the show he doesn't *care* about philosophy of any kind, let alone political philosophy.

In s5 he's reading Freud and Shakespeare and Greek literature for pragmatic reasons. The Freud because of his own struggles with mental illness (it's implied whatever psychiatrist he'd gone to recommended Freud). The Shakespeare (Richard III I think, on his nightstand) and Greek literature (mentioned in the exchange with Churchill) probably have to do with his paranoia about losing his 'crown' and trying to work on his rhetoric/speech writing skills for Parliament, respectively. Which I don't really see as the same thing as trying to 'pass' as upper class; he's trying to develop his skills to get what he wants in Parliament and be effective. I don't see him going around dropping quotes at people socially in order to look educated, for example.

What I'm trying to say is he's not reading these things to be enlightened or to assimilate to the upper classes and pass as educated; he's reading them for very specific reasons. They're *tools.* Mosley points out that he doesn't have a traditional education, that he's not familiar with Nietszche. Tommy's reaction isn't one of being caught out as uneducated and therefore not 'passing' -- it's wariness about Mosley's reasons for bringing it up (and Mosley's specifically bringing up Freud). It's less Mosley rubbing his nose in his lack of education (though it is that) and more fucking with him psychologically, but that's probably a whole other essay. I've gotten off topic!

But what I mean to emphasize is that yeah, Tommy's *not* educated and he doesn't *try to pass himself off as educated* either. And I don't think you could call him 'self-critical' in the way an upper class educated man would be either.

He's fairly self-aware a lot of the time, but he's definitely not above self deception and rationalizing things. And I'm not sure self-aware is quite the same thing as self-critical. He knows what they do (the crime) is not good. He has no self deception when it comes to how they hurt people -- he says so to Michael, for example. I think he sees this as a means to an end and as you said, one of limited choices, and he *does* want to get out of it. And there's the fact that for a long time he's not fully feeling the impact of any of it, either (which I think is different from deliberately looking away from the impact. I think due to his PTSD he literally cannot feel it in a frozen/numb way, it literally does not impact him even if he looks right at it). It's interesting to contrast him with Arthur, who says he's a good man whose hands 'belong to the devil' -- it's a very different way of looking at himself; I don't think Tommy would be self-deceptive enough to call himself a good man.

But when you're talking about him being aware that going to a prostitute is specifically *sexual* violence (the way we'd understand it, i guess) and that he looks the other way because that would interfere with what he wants, I just don't think that's at all what's going on there.

He doesn't have a thought out coherent political philosophy up through s5, not in the way that might be expected of an 'educated man' (or even a working class Communist like his sister) -- Ada comments on this (if he believed anything he said he'd be dangerous) and this is evident with both Jessie Eden and his 'champagne bubbles' ramble and in that line from s4 about being an extreme example of what a working man can achieve. He sees what Mosely is and the immediate danger of fascism *and the specific threat to he and his family* but he's not a dedicated Socialist despite running as one. His only real political philosophy by s5 is that he's dragged himself up by the bootstraps.

His reasons for getting into politics in the first place aren't about political belief (and would be another essay); but he *does* start to develop beliefs and act on them almost despite himself once he's in office.

What I'm trying to get at in this digression is that despite his (proto?) Communist past, after the war he's about ensuring he and his family and his gang get enough capital to go legit; his circle of caring so to speak is literally that limited and everyone outside it -- including the 'working man' -- is excluded; and he sees even himself and his brothers as tools in reaching that goal for the family in a more military kind of way, where he will put them (and himself) at risk for the 'greater good.'

His limited 'circle' is evident in s4 when he's using factory wages and the possibility of a strike for his own ends in the vendetta. And this is tied in with what you have talked about re: the subaltern, of course, because everyone outside his family and gang have excluded him, including those supposed fellow working men.

What he says to May about laying off people versus the violence of the gun -- i think he's struggling with this point. He *does* see what the upper classes do to workers as violence, but is it any better than the violence he does with the gang? Is it worse? He feels the gang violence is more honest about what it is. They're worse than us. But he doesn't have what I'd call a coherent political stance with all of this, as self-critical as it might be, because he's seeing that ok, if being a gangster is violent and being a capitalist is violent and the alternative is being exploited as a worker, where does that leave you? Might as well keep being a gangster.

So he's gotten that far, but I don't think he'd be able to frame sex work as specifically *sexual* violence. Women just literally got the right to vote, you know?

It would be completely anachronistic to look at it that way, as far as I can tell? I haven't done a ton of research here; but going within the 'world' of the show, *nobody* looks at prostitution as sexual violence *unless the John is actually physically violent* -- someone like Tommy, who's most likely pretty straightforward, nonviolent, and pays decently (given the way Lizzie likes him, I think it's fair to say that's probably the case) wouldn't be seen as sexually violent for using a prostitute and neither would he think of himself that way. It's just not remotely on anyone's radar.

Anyway this is an example of me not being remotely concise.

What I'm trying to say is Tommy most likely looks at it as something most women would rather not do, and when he has the chance he helps Lizzie get out of it the same way he thinks of his own criminal enterprises as something he'd rather not do (and there's stigma to being a gangster -- not the same! Kind! at all! the power dynamic is completely different obviously, but it's also something he wouldn't have gotten into if *he* felt he had any other choice, either). He sees *himself* in Lizzie -- sees someone doing something to get ahead they'd rather not be doing, with ambitions to be something else. I really don't think he has any conception of *himself* as *sexually* violent towards Lizzie, even in a way that he has to squash down. It's definitely not something he's deliberately looking away from to get what he wants, you know?

It's possible I'm being really pedantic here in focusing on the 'sexual' part of the 'violence' but I think it's an important line. I do think it's closer to what you said about the way he treats himself. I'm just not convinced he'd be able to remotely articulate that any of this is specifically *sexual* violence. I don't think he can articulate for himself that what he did with Diana (what Diana did to him) was a kind of sexual violence. He'd be aware he didn't want to do it and did it anyway, and that it's impacting him in ways he thought it wouldn't and doesn't fully understand.

I think the way he equates sex work/his own trading of sex with *working* is important. If he was seeing this as *sexual* violence that he looks away from or won't engage with -- idk, to me it's much more unconscious than that? I really don't think he sees it as different from the exploitation of factory work. It's not just a rationalization he gives Finn in s4 -- it's what he says about himself, to Polly, about sleeping with Tatiana -- that he was *working.* And he gets upset at all of them for thinking he did it because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

It's fully possible we're talking in parallel about this? Maybe because by then the whole world is violence to him. It's probably not even a conscious repression, it's just happens, he squashes stuff down rather than examine it closely. He isn't actually that self-critical or meta-thinking a guy at all despite occasionally sounding like it?

Yeah this is closer to how I think it is for him. He's self aware of doing things that are 'wrong' to get ahead. He's aware that people get hurt. I have a whole theory about him getting into owning factories only to find out if you want to actually make a profit you *have to* exploit your workers and the impact of that on him -- I don't actually think he'd thought about it very deeply before that, when he was on the other side of it. His disgust about the whole thing to May feels kind of newly discovered, the way his "they're worse than us, they will never let us into their palaces" rant felt newly discovered, rather than something he believed all along? If that makes any sense.

The way he *doesn't have the words* about the war, I don't think he has the words for what we'd call sexual violence that isn't outright rape, and I don't think he'd have any conception that prostitution is sexual violence unless someone is literally violent. Otherwise it's just sex for money, and a job people would probably rather not do, but there's a lot of jobs people would rather not do where they're exploited by people with more money and don't have a lot of choices.

By s6 he's trying to actually change things politically to the point where people might not be forced into these kinds of choices -- the housing projects, for example. My guess is if we saw him post-s6 he'd be much farther along on his political 'development' so to speak.

Christ, sorry this was so meandering. I have no idea if I've made a coherent point or not. There's a whole thread about the impact of PTSD on all of this I haven't really even touched on but glancingly.

#peaky blinders #meta #divinekangaroo

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allthelittlecreepycrawlies · 1 month

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OK big thanks to @micchikureshima for letting me rant this concept out in discord because otherwise I probably never would have gotten it typed.

This is basically throwing together multiple ideas i've already posted (the meng yao has serious misconceptions idea and the tumblr post about the sect rejecting huaisang as heir and him leaving to keep from forcing mingjue between a rock and a hard place) into one vaguely coherent storyline.

Also it's gonna be long, so some of it will go under a cut.

Starting with that fic where Meng Yao wakes up to find Nie Huaisang burying a bird he couldn't save, slide to the left into a timeline where Meng Yao didn't go outside and thus never got his POV recontextualized. Having only his preconceived notions and gossip to go on, he starts quietly developing a resentment against Huaisang.

It kind of comes to a head when he's convinced to accept some local wine at a dinner and is so not ready for the paint thinner they drink in Qinghe. In vino veritas or a reversal of the 'confessing to a crush while drunk' trope where he says some very uncharitable things about Huaisang while plastered.

When he wakes up the next morning with a massive hangover and remembers what happened, he's mortified and convinced he's in so much trouble.

But... he's not?

In fact, his insults towards the sect heir seems to have actually gained him some popularity, even among disciples and soldiers who didn't like him before. And while Nie Mingjue isn't among the ones who outright thought it was funny, even he says his silly useless brother brought it on himself, and maybe he'll learn from it.

And Huaisang definitely learned from it, even if the only lesson he took was to avoid Meng Yao completely to keep from being further humiliated. The only time they're in the same room together after that is if Huaisang can't get out of it.

Like when Nie Mingjue sends Meng Yao along with the prospective students to make sure there are no Incidents, not caring how uncomfortable his brother is about it. Grow up, Huaisang, you're going to be dealing with people who don't like you your entire life, it's just a thing people expected to work in politics have to live with.

On the trip, Meng Yao notices that while he doesn't keep any, Huaisang seems to be able to charm wild birds with ease. It briefly makes him wonder about the aviary… but no, not important.

It's not enough for him to start questioning his earlier opinions.

Veering fully into CQL-territory for a moment, Huaisang gets home on time this go around instead of making the long detour because he doesn't want to be stuck with Meng Yao any longer than necessary, but the Yunmeng group still arrives with Xue Yang in tow, the Wens still show up, Meng Yao still gets injured, Xue Yang still gets freed, and the captain still gets killed.

When Meng Yao finds himself banished, he is caught off guard when Nie Huaisang is angry about it (this time entirely because he thinks it's bad form to exile someone who's still badly wounded, especially when they got that wound in the line of duty), but he correctly believes nothing will come of it when Huaisang says he'll talk to his brother, so he leaves while Huaisang is gone. Back to MDZS canon but with a bonus character, It's not until the Phoenix Mountain Hunt, when Jin Guangyao is having to put up with his family's general everything that the situation changes.

Shortly after his father has read him the riot act over the Jiang sect's behavior during the hunt, he comes across Nie Huaisang and Nie Zonghui quietly talking on one of the guest balconies.

"It's probably just different when it's family. Or else I'm just that much of a monster, if I'm less forgivable than someone like Jin Guangshan."

…Oh.

Jin Guangyao doesn't stick around to hear what Nie Zonghui says in response, but the short exchange haunts him as he goes back to his duties.

What has Huaisang done that's in any way comparable to his relatives' behavior?

Now that he's trying to actually think of anything, he can't find an answer.

In fact, he can't stop wondering if he hadn't been coloring Huaisang's behavior with Jin gold the entire time, his first encounter with his father's sect having tainted his opinion. He'll apologize, he decides.

But he doesn't get the chance before the conference is over, kept so busy by everyone's demands that he can barely catch his breath. and even after the other sects are gone, his father constantly has new tasks and orders and creepy little plots for him to carry out.

Before he realizes it, it's been almost a month.

And then his spies in Qinghe tell him about the inheritance chaos going on in the Unclean Realms.

And then Nie Huaisang is gone. Walked out into the night and vanished with only a letter to his brother left behind.

Nie Mingjue of course doesn't bring it up with him, why would he? Even if they've sworn brotherhood, they're still mostly on the outs. but he hears from er-ge that Nie Mingjue won't talk about it with anyone, not even him. Just keeping it all bottled up and boiling.

He should be relieved, even with this new source of tension. Now it doesn't matter if he apologizes or not.

That doesn't make the discomfort go away, though, because he's plagued by the same doubts as Nie Mingjue, wondering how much he contributed to public opinion eventually forcing Huaisang out.

Months later, just after Jin Ling is born, Jin Guangshan is already expecting to throw a massively extravagant hundred days celebration and has Jin Guangyao making all the arrangements and gathering all the necessary supplies.

His current assignment is to visit some merchants the Jin sect occasionally does business with in a little port town in order to arrange some expensive future kitchen deliveries.

There's a painter doing portraits for a tourist couple on one of the piers.

Nie Huaisang is almost unrecognizable. He's thinner, his clothes are plain and unadorned, his hair pulled up into a bun with no braids. If it weren't for the black and gold bird singing on his shoulder as he works, Jin Guangyao would have overlooked him entirely, and even then, it's only the green eyes that make him realize just who he's looking at.

He watches as Huaisang chats amiably with the couple, all bubbling cheer like he used to be whenever trying to win friends, and Jin Guangyao wonders if leaving the sect has really had any effect on him at all. And then as soon as they walk away, happy with their souvenir, the mask vanishes and he looks so tired and withdrawn, even as the bird comforts him by pulling at his hair.

Ah. Jin Guangyao knows all too well what it's like wearing that mask.

It looks like the apology will still be necessary.

Jin Guangyao manages to coax huaisang into at least meeting for dinner if only for a free meal, and it becomes clear as they exchange (mostly) meaningless small talk that while Huaisang has a lot of 'neighbors' because he does a lot of small clerical or scribing jobs here and there, he has completely given up on any actual social relationships and mostly keeps to himself.

And he doesn't really believe the apology, mostly because it seems everyone else agrees with Jin Guangyao's original opinions of him, so why would he walk it back? But he's grateful for the food anyway, so Jin Guangyao decides that has to be enough for now and he'll work on proving his change of heart in other small ways when he's not as constrained by having to conduct sect business matters on this trip.

With the hatchet sort of buried, Jin Guangyao will report on what he's seen to Nie Mingjue.

It turns out Mingjue hasn't even opened any of his brother's letters, though he's been keeping them all. He's convinced himself they'll just make him madder and he's barely holding it together as it is. But whatever Jin Guangyao tells him makes him finally read them, and when the last one mentions giving up on writing, he realizes it's been almost a month and a half since it was sent, when before, the letters had been arriving practically weekly.

Fuck. Huaisang really did give up. All he's been doing by keeping this bottled up is pushing his brother even further away.

He decides that a response letter at this point won't do, and besides, he wants to see for himself this new (difficult, if Jin Guangyao didn't lie) life Huaisang's been living.

The resulting…. not a confrontation, but not exactly a reunion in the seaside town is super awkward and uncomfortable for both Nie brothers, but at least it ends with them understanding each other a little bit better? At least they'll start writing each other properly, as will Jin Guangyao and Huaisang.

(And that's pretty much as far as I got on this idea, so it'll stay pretty open ended.)

#mdzs #ideas #nie mingjue #nie huaisang #jin guangyao #nie sect #possible future sangyao? i mean not guaranteed but it IS me writing this

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according2thelore · 4 months

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2023 top five!

@preseriesdean thought it would be fun for artists/authors/creators to post their favorite five creations this year, and i agree! it can be anything: your favorite posts, fics, art, edits, fanvids, anything!

i saw some folks turning this into a tag game, so here are some tags! @deanwinchesterpregnant @dyed-red @mercette @crucifysam @weirdbrothers @togethertogethersoulmates @pookeenpie

if you end up doing it, pls tag me! i'd love to see y'all's works! :)

-lizzy

so in no particular order, here are the five fics i liked the best/am the most proud of!

considering that everything i’ve written on this account (240k words of it good lord) was published since february 23rd, i’ve got a lot to work with!

i was in the fandom back in 2012-2013 until 2016-2017, and when i rewatched it recently with some friends, i realized just how many words and feelings had been broiling since. i wrote a LOT for spn back in the day (not published, just for the pure joie de vivre), but everything on the ao3 is completely new since feb!

1. tell me, why are you still so afraid?

or, the "what do you want, sam?" fic. this one might be a surprise! it did moderately well, but i'm really happy with it! i love writing weechesters/pre-series, and i hope this fic did them justice! it hit a lot of points i liked, and i had so much fun writing it!! i'm proud of it! :)

2. you're pretty when you don't speak

or, sam's wife pov. i was shocked!!! aghast!!! frankly agog!!! at how much folks loved this one! i had the idea in the shower of all places, lmao, just the idea that wait, being sam's wife must be so lonely. it was not the usual fare (and written in second-person pov), so i was expecting it to gently and quietly flop. but no! i wrote this fic in two sittings at one a.m. the night before a paleopathology exam, so i'm shocked any of it was coherent in the morning. thank you, dear reader, if you interacted w it at all! :)

3. romans 3:10-11

ahh, romans. to other folks that write, this was one of those fics that scratched in my bones until i sat down and wrote it all out. does that sound pretentious? it was stifling; it was all i could think about. even now, i look back on it and feel like there are things that are missing, extended scenes and extra themes that i wished i had teased out. the response was overwhelming and positive and i'm so glad you lot liked it! if you ever want more...idk...lemme know...

4. we didn't get it right, but love we did our best

or, the Heaven fic! this one took awhile to make, and a lot out of me to do! it's the longest fic i've made this year, by a lot! the planning process was a lot of fun (even though charlotte was mostly asleep), and i even colour-coded themes and turning points i wanted to include. the sense of accomplishment when it was done was a great part of this year!

5. there's no such thing as a clean break, when your heart starts bleeding out

or, the stanford!era fic where dean bleeds out on the highway and decides to not tell sam about it. one of my favorite things to write is a character getting more and more out of it as they lose control (or blood), and this one was a fun challenge! i love stanford!era dean, because he's so mangled and angry and sad. i feel like that one tweet that william shatner posted where he said ELECTROCUTE HIM!!! this also feels the most like the things i wrote back in 2014, so it brings nostalgia :,)

this was WAY harder than i thought! i loved and was so proud of so much of my work this year! a top ten would be easier, but i'm happy with this list!

thank YOU for reading! :)

we are holding hands now and there's nothing you can do to stop it. y'all keep this up and we might even have to stare lovingly into each other's eyes.

#spn fanfic #spn fic #sam and dean #samdean #wincest fanfiction #wincest #wincest wednesday #2023 top five list #tag game

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darchildre · 8 months

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Sara Reads an Infuriating Book, part 1

As mentioned yesterday, I am hate-reading W Scott Poole's Wasteland. Since it turns out it's difficult to have a proper ranting conversation with people about a book that is wrong about early horror film because the people around me don't know enough about early horror film, I will be posting about it instead. (But under a cut, because people here don't need to care.)

Chapter 1!

We start off with a section about Nosferatu which is actually pretty good. Poole is weirdly insistent that a) horror is always at its root about fear of bodily death and the disturbance that comes from seeing a corpse and b) that any body that isn't under its own control (sleepwalkers, dolls, puppets, etc) is symbolically a corpse, which I don't agree with at all, but since this is a valid interpretation of Nosferatu, it's okay here.

Then we open up to discuss the death toll of WWI. This is, of course, wildly horrific, but after discussing deaths elsewhere, the section ends with a discussion of the death toll on Americans which, while still a big number, is significantly less than basically anywhere else. Poole then points out that the American horror film boom came much later than elsewhere (in the 1930s) but still insists that those films were a response to WWI. And just, I don't know man - some of them may have been but that's a pretty long gap and we were making movies in the 1920s. I also think there may have been some other terrible things in the 1930s that American film might have been reacting to sometimes.

The structure of this chapter after this is just a mess - it's like little mini essays that don't gel into a coherent whole. One of them starts off talking about Fritz Lang (not about any of his films, just about his experience during WWI) and then in the next paragraph veers off to talk about Surrealist artists and ends up with T S Eliot. There is a section about Wegener and the Golem films which is actually interesting but too short. There is a little mini section about Kafka. Basically, after the Nosferatu bit, what this chapter is mainly saying is "A lot of people had a Bad Time during WWI and then later went on to make art with disturbing themes" which is true but so broad as to be useless.

There's a brief discussion of Lovecraft - we spend some time talking about an unpublished piece of his, but none discussing any of his more well-known work presumably because it doesn't fit Poole's thesis at all. And you don't have to talk about everything but if your whole point is "all modern horror is about WWI because everyone was traumatized by the images of the battledead" and then you're going to skip over arguably the most influential horror writer of the early 20th century because the vast majority of his work is not about that, maybe you should workshop your thesis a little longer.

This is such a stupid thing to be mad about but: so there's a part of the chapter where he talks about Arthur Machen and it involves explaining who Arthur Machen was and what he wrote. That's fine. There are two kinds of people in the world: the ones who have never heard of Arthur Machen and the ones who are offended that you think they haven't read Arthur Machen. (I am the latter; we are a small minority.) But then! Poole goes on to mention that Arthur Machen wrote an extremely influential and wildly popular story during WWI that basically created a battlefield legend and that Machen later very much regretted but Poole doesn't at any time name the story! He just makes these oblique references to it! Sir, I know you're talking about "The Bowmen" and the Angel of Mons but you just told me who Arthur Machen was like I wouldn't know, so you clearly can't expect your audience to know that! Just name the damned story! I can't think why you wouldn't - you wrote a whole long paragraph about it without naming it.

Ugh. Also there's no index, which is extremely irritating to me.

The next chapter is called "Waxworks", so I'm sure we're going to talk more about things that are definitely symbolic corpses, there's no room for alternative interpretations.

#don't worry #i'm enjoying being angry at this book #also i'm making a fun list of other reading from the works cited #he makes several references to a book called shell shock cinema about german film in the 20s that i'm very excited to track down #sara reads an infuriating book

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james-vi-stan-blog · 3 months

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Ok my personal response to The King’s Assassin. From the perspective of a layperson who is not in any form a historian, merely a fan of James VI/I. Edit I also fixed the author’s name in my post, I dunno HOW I messed that up, fever scrambled my branes.

I don’t hate the book, and it would be wildly arrogant of me to say “it’s bad! It’s inaccurate!” when I know like 5 things, have read a handful of books and have to scrape my meager knowledge outta JSTOR allowance and what my library has. And overall, I think it actually does a great job of introducing the different factions involved, the shifts in politics as they happen, and presenting loads and LOADS of interesting anecdotes in order of their occurrence. It’s highly readable and takes you on this rollicking adventure through a twisting and turning, but comprehensible narrative.

But… I think that’s its core problem. It’s a narrative. Woolley is telling a story from history, with themes and characters and surprise reveals. Woolley has a particular vision of George Villiers as a villain protagonist with an arc, and writes almost from a third person omniscient perspective. And I think this is to the book’s detriment. The full complexity of human beings, who can’t be boiled down to archetypes and who aren’t on coherent trajectories and don't have arcs, gets flattened.

It’s very, VERY credulous in general. Basically, any rumor that ever existed is included. All accounts are essentially trusted with no interrogation of political slant or provenance. As a James fan, I noticed the unquestioning use of Weldon and Eglisham in particular; since my knowledge is limited I can’t say what other questionable sources were used, but this review calls it out for heavily using an alleged hoax. The epilogue and “““proof””” of the poisoning is especially weird. (Leanda de Lisle's review talks about it. Listen to her, an actual historian who knows actual things, not me)

On the one hand, this maximally inclusive approach brings in all kinds of tales that an unfamiliar reader might not have heard of, giving the most colorful possible account. But I felt that mixing in the extremely dubious sources with the reliable ones, distinguishing them little in the text and using unnumbered endnotes, is really deceptive and misleads the reader about the certainty of the narrative Woolley favors.

As far as what this means for Mary & George… I mean. The book is a titillating account of lurid scandal. And we already knew the series is going to be a titillating account of lurid scandal. Expect the series based on a book that already incorporates fiction and wild speculation to become even more fictionalized and speculative for the sake of drawing in viewers who want to watch and thirst over while also judging bad people who do bad things.

But that’s what all historical dramas are like and have been like forever. Especially the general time period—the Tudors have gotten this treatment forever. Viewership and big bucks don’t come for “documentary with re-enactment”. And in general, people don’t find history worth watching unless there’s butts and boobies.

Sure, I’ll be disappointed if when the drama inserts loads of stuff that definitely never happened for sexXxyness. Yeah, I’ll be bummed out when it conforms to traditional depictions of historical figures that were codified by agenda-laden traditions. But this always happens. And you know, if a bare butt gets someone to watch who would otherwise have never known about the incredible queer drama that played out in the Jacobean court, who probably doesn’t even know Buckingham from the Three Musketeers, I’m happy. Because even though it didn’t happen as M&G is gonna depict it, it did happen in the broad strokes, these people were real, and that’s been largely buried and forgotten.

The world NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT JAMES. And even if the picture someone comes away with is inaccurate, at least they will know he existed and loved men, and just that fact now being in their brain will please me so much.

#the king's assassin #mary & george #james's weird stan rambles again #james’s weird stan reviews

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metvmorqhoses · 1 year

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We have been mutuals for years but I’m going to step away now because I cannot in good conscience follow someone who supports the work of a dangerous bigot like JKR over the human rights of a marginalised group. Wish you the best.

In wishing you a warm farewell right back, I feel compelled to use the occasion to clarify, and for the last time, a thing or two - even if, to be quite honest, I absolutely don't consider this ask worth a response.

I do believe in certain principles though, and I think it important to state them from time to time, so I'll make this one exception in indulging underwhelming attempts at self-righteousness for the greater good.

You know, there's really nothing wrong in stopping interacting/following/liking a person for whatever intimate reason, you have every right to and you owe no one an explanation. It's quite telling though that you felt compelled to inform me, and anonymously.

This tells me you weren't actually seeking a constructive discussion, nor an explanation (you would have DMed me, or at least told me off anon, since "we have been mutuals for years"), but rather you were after that little high that small people reap from believing to have obtained, however briefly, the moral high ground over another, the effective shielded reward of the online moral policing that coincidentally always comes without consequences, since you are not even putting your face behind your egregious "good conscience".

You feel entitled to judge me for the art that I supposedly enjoy (already a ridiculous argument in itself and one that reaped real victims throughout history), after years of being my mutual, and don't even have the courage to actually face my reaction (and my unfollowing).

The fact that you cannot even appreciate how sad this all is for you as a person already frames the matter perfectly in itself. But still.

Premising that I don't need to justify the reasons I like what I like and that you should intrinsically have known you have no right whatsoever to send people messages like this, morally speaking, and also premising that I find genuinely embarrassing even having to explain such banalities to another rational being, the fact that I coherently keep liking a work of fiction that I have liked since I was six years old (specifically finding fascinating two villains and a dynamic that I explore in my own hyper-realistic way and that it's probably the farthest from any of the author's preferences as one can get), without suddenly and hypocritically finding all sorts of terrible crimes against humanity in it to reassure myself of my inner internet-approved wokeness, does not absolutely mean I share or second JKR's ideas or behaviours.

As a normally intelligent person, I'm fully able to separate the art from the artist. If people had truly used throughout history your narrow reasoning, art would have literally gone extinct thousands of years ago. We couldn't even safely read the Bible. You cannot expect to only like the artistic product of "morally"-approved people (by whose standards, moreover? What makes your opinion more important than anyone else's? Or you are an oppressor too?). You cannot quality-check artists, people, not even really committing yourself to the task, because you could never really know what's truly in a person's heart. This reasoning is simply childish and nonsensical.

I do not share JKR's views only because I like some of her characters from 25 years ago. I do not support her only because I enjoy psychoanalyzing her villains from time to time. I actually never liked JKR even while everyone else idolized her. But that never prevented me from genuinely liking what I like without pretending or idiotically forcing myself not to in the name of being TikTok-approved.

And finally, as much as I find some of her ideas disgraceful and baffling, as much as I absolutely do not support those ideas, at this point I find it much more important to support her right to think, believe and state whatever she likes without constantly risking harassment (or way worse), thanks to people like you, after all not that different from her and in some aspect even worse, who believe to have the right to "cancel" fellow human beings because of their ideas.

No one has more right to speak their mind than another, people. Freedom of thought is the backbone of culture and humanity. The fact that she is able to speak her mind disgracefully, is also the reason you are able to speak your mind against it.

The culture you are validating is dangerous and disgusting. Think about it.

#anon #this btw is a topic i had already touched years ago #it's sad i had to repeat such obviousness but here we are #bellamort #hp #jkr discourse #lord voldermort #asks/replies #one and one thousand stories lis told

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thischarmingand · 4 months

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Book ask: 9, 16, 17!

Ok, this is super funny. Both you AND @straydog733 asked me for the exact same numbers.

So now that it's been a day since I accidentally deleted my first response let's try that again...

9. Did you get into any new genres?

Arguably, cookbooks, in that I read two of the purely as texts this year: B. Dylan Hollis's not very good (sorry!) Baking Yesteryear and Max Miller's excellent Tasting History. Both of them are essentially Tik Tok/YouTube books, but while Hollis admits he's neither a historian or someone who... actually knows how to bake... Miller clearly loves food history and knows how to do actual research and... write words coherently (again, sorry!)

Miller's book also doesn't consider America from 1890 onward to be the be-all, end-all of history (a thing about Hollis's book which strikes me as extra strange when you remember he isn't American!), and the recipes sourced from ancient Asian and Latin American history are particularly cool.

16. What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?

Hmmmmm. Probably the 1/3 of In the Lives of Puppets by TJ Klune that I tried? I don't know that I'd call that specific book super overhyped, but I'd argue Klune himself is, and as a new release it's a little more buzzy than most of the stuff I read. It's also super boring. Fascinating behind the scenes drama with his sensitivity readers, tho. (So much yikes that this man puts out into the universe and... simply could not!)

17. Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

I feel pretty fortunate this year that I read a lot of things that I expected would be good and then were instead great. Stephen Graham Jones' My Heart is a Chainsaw not only made the case for turning the Lake Witch books into a trilogy, it retroactively made me like the first book of the bunch so much more. Grady Hendrix's How to Sell a Haunted House is for me the best work he's done to date (evil puppets are honestly such a good device for trying to unpack the baggage your parents leave you when they die, metaphorically and also in the literal evil puppet sense). Wolf in White Van is the first John Darnielle novel I've read that feels like it actually achieves what it sets out to do with all the ambiguity and artifice. Allison Rumfitt's Tell Me I'm Worthless scared the shit out of me and made my cry and hasn't left my brain yet. And Lavendar House is a rare modern queer historical fiction book that manages to properly address the psychic damage that period-typical homophobia would do to a protagonist without being a primarily queer suffering story (and the murder mystery is pretty decent too!)

#2023 books

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captainkurosolaire · 2 years

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You often post at length in near-incomprehensible language about why you do or don't create. The duty of a creator is to make their message pellucid to an audience. And yet, you have a large number of devotees here on tumblr. Do you use more coherent language in actual RP, or are those you RP with accustomed to your inscrutability? I respect your screenshot practice, but for goodness sake, please pay attention to legs and feet when characters are seated. If you're going to make yourself and other characters unrecognizable through mods, at least make them look alive.

Are you okay? You sure do ponder a lot about me and trying to pin point some flaw if I had any... But there's nothing I haven't spoken of. Your concerns although It's something that I perceive as flattery. But that should perhaps be used on yourself more. To administer so much foul venom only to bite a turtle's shell... I won't waste your energy, I'll feed you equally a response. Since you seem troubled. Your words they covet such an inferiority, it's the taste of jealousy. First off, I don't think it's too difficult to understand me. I'm quite simply passionate. If that is your version of creator then you've got me wrong. I will never be that image. It may shock you but some people create for themselves above all other things. Not to pander or warrant. Times have changed and social media has influenced that attention and the merit of others = value. But originally a blog used to be what used to showcase and just share and express. I express myself. I put my heart into canvas and that isn't some catch-phrase or some odd term or exaggeration. I love what I do. And since you're so hung up on my "large number of devotees" that revealed this is written of envy. it may again surprise you but some people can read that I actually value in what I create, they can FEEL it and that intelligence is above comprehension and the actual essence. Again I've RP'd for an incredible long time, I've had more sessions and a lot of partners and it's never been a compliant ever, I've written in every style imaginable. So I wouldn't speak for others, again this is on you. Listen I respect the criticism, truly. But you're not a good enough critic for me, you strike with a mask on, foremost. Understand -- I am my best critic and worst critic. Not sure which particular thing you've eluded too, but nearly everything I have conjured lately is doable. Oh here we go --- the last desperation act, the -mod- thing. Everyone uses that to try to invalidate something or they try to find something of the similar sort in every creative field or sport. The purpose of the mods is to attempt to exactly make something more alive, to get an image. At this point modding has been a thing for a very long time, its standard, I know... that's a reality pill. I've done and used a lot of vanilla stuff and I'm equally as appreciative of square but modders also worked hard on their own creations, I showcase anything, It's all the game to me. I've literally the dates back before I even used a single mod, it wouldn't make much of a difference in my creativity, the dates are there. You can always discredit those for doing it but won't change it. It's a choice and you're forcing yourself into limited situations of making something, and expecting everyone to conform, that's the most unrealistic thing. ...I get it. This works often probably for you, but this isn't Twitter. A lot of your like-minded have went there and worry about trending there. They prey and feast together in mobs there. But you won't find your meal here anymore. Cause it's just not cared about what you think. Nor does it matter. I prefer you chose me. But you can't swallow me. Never any lifetime could you. I write characters more in-depth than you every second in my mind. I write true villains, those mentalities that are broken, I know trauma, I'm a survivor. I have portrayed myself in your attire, your indeterminable mask outlined in cowardice and it's far better written in stories. That is where only it's meant to be. You can universally believe tearing and making people believe your attention seeking truth is what's real and ALL. But it's not. My mind may be whacked, different, alien to you. I'd choose that preferably over being blind. I hope it gets better for you and in-turn, you become just that, BETTER. You have my sympathy and prayers. Much love. I hope this attention services you, I do validate your existence. Although you cannot impact mine.

#asks answered #hate anon #may be triggering #If you gotta be ill or speak nasty I'd prefer it sent to me then others #This shizz has chased enough talented people away and eaten #It's not 2016 anymore #Or this is Twitter #You may think negative reinforcement = win #But that's not something universal everyone can tolerate #Instead of trying to make people develop or conform to you #Find empathy before you speak #tw: vent

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autopotion · 1 year

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Thanks for the blog recs! And I love Delita/Ovelia too :,( they have such an fascinating and heart-breakingly tragic relationship. A little bit Shakespearean too. I read that fic you guys wrote and I thought it was so good and am looking forward to the rest of it. You mentioned that only a few fics have come close to your interpretation of their dynamic, what is it exactly if you don't mind answering? :0

Okay I'm so sorry for taking so long to get back to this, I was sitting on my answer for a super long time, wrote a huge response, didn't like what I wrote, and now we're here almost a whole month later. So I'll just try for coherent instead of articulate.

So there are a number of things I like about Delita/Ovelia that I look for in fic and such that I don't often see (such as a nuanced perspective on the class divide and an understanding of when and where their feelings develop [which I feel most people don't get quite correct]), but I'm just gonna go with the thing I care about the most, which is that if there was never a point of the narrative where they genuinely loved each other, the ending doesn't make any sense.

To me that's a no-brainer, but, just from some stuff I see circulating in the FFT fandom, I often wonder if other fans have drawn this same conclusion. I think folks like to focus in on the dysfunctional aspects (me too!), but weirdly enough I think they shy away from acknowledging the source of the dysfunction? Which is that these two characters care deeply about each other. Either this is coming from people who seem to believe genuine, warm love cheapens the dysfunction (which is a slippery slope into my beloathed "Delita is a wife beater" fics), or fans who like one of the characters and so don't want to show their genuine love, because they know if they're sincerely in love, that makes Delita's actions worse. WHICH IS THE POINT!

It's not a tragedy if they're not in love. Delita's problem is that, in his quest for the throne, he's even using the people he cares about--Valmafra calls him out for this in nearly as many words. If he doesn't care about Ovelia, that entire message is lost, and the ending ceases to have any parallel meaning to the Ramza situation (which we know can't be the case, because Ovelia CITES RAMZA as part of her reason for attempted assassination).

Also, think about the big betrayal scene. After he thinks Ovelia has already left, he gives Orran and Valmafra his wonderful villainous monologue, detailing what he's done and what he'd like to do. Like this is it, this is the thing that tells us what Delita wanted all along, after the entire game he's finally being open and honest about his schemes. And he specifies it's for Ovelia. He doesn't know she's listening, so it can't be part of a gambit to trick her--so he has to genuinely believe that that's what he's doing. Why would he insist that if he didn't care about her? He can't even admit to himself the level of cognitive dissonance he has about the situation because he loves her. When she stabs him, he doesn't expect it at all; it's this horrible, unpleasant surprise, and for a guy who has contingency plans all the way from A-Z, That Says Something.

And if Ovelia doesn't care about Delita, she has no reason to feel betrayed! You can't be betrayed by someone you don't trust, first of all. Second of all... this is more of a personal quibble, but. Okay. Picture a world in which Ovelia does not love Delita and, despite the big hug she gave him in one of the most important scenes in the game, doesn't trust him either. Ovelia's story, more than any other character's story, is about her soul-crushing loneliness. If she doesn't like Delita, then after she leaves Ramza's party, she is totally alone for the rest of the game. Save for that single interaction she has with Orran, suggesting she has at least one friend in the Southern Sky, she has no one except this guy she doesn't trust or like. Idk that just sounds miserable? Like, unflinchingly, disproportionately miserable? After she's already led such a miserable life? Tragedies are meant to be cathartic, but if there are no hope spots in Ovelia's life, no points of humanity and kindness and levity, it's not cathartic to me. She just led a horrible life in which she was a terrible victim and then died. That doesn't hold any meaning for me, personally.

After that critical scene mid-chapter three, they've addressed their loneliness and are now allies. They believe it's them against the world, and that they will rise to face it together. They're not alone anymore; they have each other. It's this beautiful, cathartic conversation that makes their doom inevitable. This is why Delita's betrayal even matters! This is what makes their particular tragedy so meaningful to me; it's not just Delita's Machiavellian wiles and Ovelia's deep-rooted paranoia that clinches their fate, but the basic, undeniable, extremely human need for companionship.

If they didn't love each other, Ovelia wouldn't have felt betrayed by the realization that he was using her, but if Delita hadn't intended to use Ovelia from the beginning, they never would've been in a position to love each other! It's that specific, unbreakable cycle that drives me absolutely crazy and makes me feel heretofore undiscovered emotions. You can't separate love from the tragedy. Love is the reason there is a tragedy. It's the title of Chapter Four, for goodness' sake.

Anyway. Not saying my spouse and I don't take our own massive liberties when writing them. We add a lot more humor and warmth than what's present in the game (since FFT is fairly somber and humorless). But all of those things are meant to accentuate the eventual tragedy, not argue with its very premise.

#this is still not articulate or what i want it to be but i need to answer the question so. here ya go #hopefully that answers your question #quiznaibus #fft blogging #i guess #now if you'll excuse me i'm going to go back to saying insane things about joanna newsom

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cyberneticlagomorph · 2 years

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You aren't sure if the sun is rising or setting by the time you come stumbling back into the house and halfway collapse into the nearest chair.

A little pale face with big red eyes peers around a corner, only to vanish before you can get a good look at it, but judging by the sounds of scampering feet and Egg's shrill cry of "NONNA!! NONNA!!" you can guess who it is.

Your Ma, Harley, comes in shortly after with a hesitant relief plain on her face, Egg at her heels with your phone in her mouth.

You weren't even aware that you'd dropped it.

Ma tells Egg to call off the metaphorical search for you while she checks Bibi (you) over.

… you didn't even know Egg could read, let alone type. New child locks will be put into place the moment you don't feel like someone beat you with a spiral ham.

Gentle fingers ghost over a darkening bruise and you hiss like a cat in a trap, Ma winces sympathetically.

You're mostly just bruised up.

The worst injury you've got is a split lip and a broken nose that you've managed to reset by yourself, the bleeding from that has mostly stopped anyway but you feel like you're gonna hork up a clot at any minute probably.

Ma looks you in the eyes, retrieving a first aid kit from nowhere in particular, "Why do you look like me after the first time that bitch Waller recruited me…" she gestures at your face, tube of biofreeze in hand, "not the injuries, but the vibes."

You just smile wryly in a 'you must be fucking psychic' kind of way and watch her eyes narrow as she reads your face like a book.

"Was it fucking Waller? i'll skin her alive." She wipes the gross snot-blood crust from around your mouth and nose, and you suddenly feel like a kid again as you try very hard not to squirm.

"God I wish, her I could at least eat y'know?" Your stomach yells at the concept of food and Ma gives you a smile of her own.

"Oh I think I FELT that. Come, mama's been cookin her tight lil tush off."

She helps you up, just like she used to when you were little and stupid and kept getting in fights with the little clown kids back in Gotham.

It felt just like this.

Like biofreeze and concern, and love.

Your legs are wobbly from lack of sleep and maybe a mild concussion but the promise of Food urges you on, with Egg close behind you.

Ma watches you like a hawk as she guides you into the kitchen and whistles for the Babies, her twin hyenas Bud and Lou.

They appear out of nowhere, spectral beasts of pure emotional energy.

Each the size of a fully grown bull moose before they remember their manners and 'fold up' into mostly regular hyenas.

Bud shoves his muzzle into your face, sniffing and nuzzling as if he hasn't seen you in a thousand years. The markings on his face make him look like he's smiling, even though you can nearly taste his concern.

By contrast, Lou perpetually looks like he's about to cry at any moment.

They're the closest things to brothers you've ever had, and they certainly act like it.

Right now they're doing their best to keep you awake and conscious so you can eat

… and also trying to steal treats when Ma isn't looking.

But mostly the keeping you awake thing!

You talk while you eat, shoveling bread and soup into your face as fast as possible, trying desperately to explain the situation as best you can but you don't have all the details yet so it's harder to form coherent sentences than you initially anticipated.

Ma knows the importance of keeping you talking-- and asks about who worked you over, before talking a lot of shit about them, their bedroom preferences and their mothers.

Your brothers cackle in response.

You smile, all sharp teeth and black gums, "I did manage to take a couple fingers with me before I left," you nudge Lou away from your plate a second too late and watch him inhale your bread roll, "I dunno what they expected, putting their hands in my face like that."

Ma snorts, taking your bowl and refilling it for the third or fourth time, "Idiots! just like arkham."

She goes on a small tirade about cops and the justice system and exactly how many pigs she could demolish with one hammer swing while you continue to eat.

The quantity of food and hydration you consume would be surprising, if you'd eaten anything except fingers since yesterday.

By the time you're finished, the exhaustion is back and tugging at your limbs.

Dragging you down into the depths of sleep.

Making it hard to chew, let alone string a sentence together.

Ma won't let you pass out at the table, bless her, and manages to get you safely in bed before your body can really give up.

You're asleep before your head can hit the pillow, with Lou sprawled across your legs and Bud's big head tucked under one arm like when you were little.

Ma stays to keep an eye on the three of you, and make sure you're not concussed.

And as the dreams prepare to drown you, you realize that this the safest you've felt in a very long time.

#ic #action post #injury #ask to tag

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toast-tales · 1 year

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7, 10, 42, 49 and 50 for Sybil! Does she feels bad because nobody is using the elevator or she ponders and understands because of what the humans have been through?

Ahhh thank you for asking more questions about Sybil! For the non-number question, I won't go into much detail but I'll say that she understands why the humans would be hesitant. It makes her sad, but it's also a motivation for her to change the mindsets of other giants and continue her efforts in the HRA.

Do they have any unusual fears?

She is deathly afraid that something is going to catch fire in the house unbeknownst to her and endanger the humans. Like...it's a big responsibility to be taking care of hundreds of people living right underneath you. Something as simple as a malfunctioning toaster could literally just...cause a lot of death if something bad happened.

That's one of the reasons she is very careful with anything fire or electricity related - she doesn't use a lot of appliances, where she can avoid it, and she does have a fireplace, but she never leaves it unattended. She's definitely had nightmares about the house catching fire before.

Do they have any regrets?

She regrets spending a good chunk of the first part of her life trying to live up to people's expectations of her - before she met John, and really for a while after. She was just doing what her parents wanted her to do, what she thought was best for her life - going to college to get a business degree, before following in her parents' footsteps and taking over the family business. And really, if it hadn't been for John, she might still be on that path instead of doing something that she feels is adding more good to the world. She has no regrets of where she is currently in life - just that it took her so long to get there.

Can they speak multiple languages? If yes which all do they speak and why?

Besides English (it's still called that in the giants' world because I say it is LMAO), she and John learned sign language together a few years into their relationship. It was mostly to help communication, given that John is just so small and unless he's right next to her, it could get hard to hear. You'd think that making hand gestures from far away would also be hard to understand, but Sybil has fairly good eyesight - especially, uh, farsightedness? Is that the term? She's good at seeing small details far away because of working with humans, her eyes are trained well for that (plus already good giant senses). And John's confessed that sometimes hand signals instead of talking is less...overwhelming at times? As much as he loves his giant wife, being around such a huge presence all the time can eventually take its toll, so Sybil did what she could to minimize his discomfort.

Whether the sign language they learned is accurate, who knows, but it works for them at least. It's enough to make coherent sentences, but who knows if either of them could communicate as well with someone else who knows sign language, lol.

Do they have trouble keeping their enemies and their friends straight?

This question confuses me a little, but...I don't think so. Sybil has a really sharp mind for politics, and is really good at reading people (and you guys wonder why she zeroed in on Christoper in P18 lmao). She is, if anything, well-versed in the relationships within the HRA, as well as its enemies. And as the leader of her own HRA division, she's well-acquainted with those who don't like her. She tends to keep most people at a distance as it is - mostly for safety reasons - but she also has a very good sense of who means well and who is full of bullshit. When it comes to the humans, though...unfortunately, she might be underestimating some of the resentment towards giants (and her, specifically).

What is your favorite thing about them?

The fact that she's literally a foil to Christopher- Honestly, the fact that she is able to accept others just as they are. Really - she can come off as quite intimidating because, well, she eviscerates people and just sees them as they are, and many people find that scary, to come face to face with their own reality. But she also has an endless well of compassion, and if you are honestly trying to do right, she can see that too. She doesn't hold grudges - and she doesn't believe in someone being all good, all bad, or destined to be one way or the other. If she didn't believe that, she wouldn't be in the HRA.

and on the note of her being a foil, I literally just realized that she styles her hair the same way Christopher does, tied back half-up - totally intentional metaphor here

#itwom #toast asks #ask game #I didn't really realize how much of a foil she was until I wrote this out #though I did intentionally make her taller than christopher #just to add to his torment #>:)

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sharpmarble76 · 1 year

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I posted 5,185 times in 2022

That's 5,185 more posts than 2021!

94 posts created (2%)

5,091 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@calcium-cat

@moonliched

@lovelymoonmagic

@robinette-green

I tagged 5,157 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#fnaf - 2,787 posts

#undertale - 1,745 posts

#mutuals - 343 posts

#random - 325 posts

#utmv - 307 posts

#long post - 138 posts

#dream sans - 84 posts

#dreamtale - 81 posts

#sun and moon show - 80 posts

#asks - 64 posts

Longest Tag: 133 characters

#thank you for saying this and your sweet comments on that one post because i really needed to hear this and so many others do as well

My Top Posts in 2022:

Another of my beginner art pieces. Sorry if you're from my other fandom with Sun and Moon. My mutual told me that I should post more art so yeah. Anyways, imma bury this in reblogs

36 notes - Posted October 11, 2022

Here's a slightly old piece of art that I finished. I must say, I hate his pants. Why stripes? They're so hard to draw 😭 I'm sure I'll get less wobbly someday...

37 notes - Posted October 11, 2022

Posting this before I go to bed because I'm a coward.

67 notes - Posted October 28, 2022

If you keep coming back or leave multiple comments, I REMEMBER YOU!! I may even consider you a fandom friend or in Tumblr language, a mutual! I see you!!!!!

Even if it's a little thing, it means the world to us little crayon drawing people.

71 notes - Posted November 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Hello Sun and Moon artists! I would like to inform you of 2 accounts on Pinterest who are reposting your art without credit! One is OoO and the other is ☆•🍮 Minko 24 🏳️‍⚧️•☆

OoO: https://www.pinterest.com/NoicesOfChaos/

☆●🍮 Minko 24 🏳️‍⚧️●☆: https://www.pinterest.com/phrnphsbutrach/

Some of these artists who have been stolen from are:

@shandzii @oobbbear @pillowspace @miwachan2 @bamsara @lovelymoonmagic @bluwithoutane @fluffffpillow and there are many others! I would tag more but there's a lot and I can't remember it all from the top of my head

Sorry about that everyone, the accounts are now linked.

378 notes - Posted November 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #random

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bllsbailey · 2 months

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‘This Man Is Not Well.’ Is Joe Biden Getting Worse?

After many questioned why Biden did not receive a cognitive exam after his annual physical, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre claimed that such as exam wasn't necessary.

“If you look at what this president — he passes a cognitive test every day, every day, as he moves from one topic to another topic, understanding the granular level of these topics … this is a very rigorous job.”

Keep in mind, this is the same man that Democrat donors raised alarms about over his reliance on notecards for private events.

"President Biden has been using notecards in closed-door fundraisers, calling on prescreened donors and then consulting his notes to provide detailed answers, according to people familiar with the routine,” Axios reported last month. "Why it matters: Biden's reliance on notecards to help explain his own policy positions—on questions he knows are coming—is raising concerns among some donors about Biden's age."

Reporters asked Jean-Pierre about Biden's heavy reliance on notecards during Tuesday's White House press briefing, and she deflected.

"The President, who has had a — probably one of the most successful first three years of an adm- –administration than any modern-day president — he’s done more in the first three years than most presidents who had two terms," she said. "You’re asking me about notecards?"

Related: Don’t Count on Joe Biden Debating Trump This Fall

Yet later on, not only did Joe Biden rely heavily on notecards when reporters started asking him questions, but he also went blank, then started mumbling about how he couldn't answer questions or else he'd "get into trouble."

"A confused-looking President Biden once again admitted he’d get in “trouble” for taking questions at a press briefing Tuesday — just hours after his press secretary staunchly defended his mental acuity," the New York Post reports.

The 81-year-old commander in chief started uttering the familiar, yet bewildering, refrain before he even lifted the microphone off the table at the launch of a task force aimed at lowering costs for American families. “I have a lot of questions. I better not start the questions. I’ll get in trouble,” Biden mumbled, garnering a few laughs from the audience. He delivered a ragged exhale into the mic before placing it back down and stared blankly ahead with his mouth agape, ignoring some of the reporters’ last-ditch attempts to squeeze in a final question as they were leaving.

Video of the exchange was shared on X/Twitter by former Hillary Clinton advisor Peter Daou, who was utterly shocked by Biden's performance.

"Oh my Lord," he wrote. "This man is not well."

Oh my Lord. This man is not well. pic.twitter.com/5UoEW90FD6— Peter Daou (@peterdaou) March 6, 2024

Of course, he's not well. Poll after poll shows that Biden's age and cognitive decline are huge liabilities for him. While they won't admit publicly that there's a problem, it's obvious that Joe Biden's handlers are instructing him to stick to a script and don't want him answering questions that haven't been pre-screened or had responses drafted in advance.

For sure, you can expect that the White House is on edge about Biden's State of the Union address on Thursday night and will no doubt make a big deal of it if Biden manages to read off his script without tripping over himself. But this is not a problem that is going away or that the occasional moment of coherence can negate. There are just too many instances of Biden being clearly "not well" to ignore. That's why Biden's defenders keep trying desperately to make Trump's age an issue, even though there's no comparison between the two men.

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meansealevel · 2 months

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What is pleasurable to the thing and how do you know this

Does this change? Is their personality fixed?

Am I imaging their qualities in my head? Yes. But am i not doing that with everyone else?

There's a way I cohere information gathered from other people as my working, always incomplete understanding of them, same way for a thing. The overarching patterns in the ways people treat things is worrisome to me on some level, however generative and beautiful it might also be. How do people read information/input? What are the mechanisms of any individual's interpretations? These things are seemingly laid bare in an interaction with something not normally seen as having social value or agency. Or in any situation where observing, interpreting, touching, are some of the only ways that work to reach toward something else's being.

A response is a response, sure. How do you interpret that response? Do you interpret everything that makes a computer work better, more smoothly, as a positive response? How do you know the computer likes working? If a person might desire to cut off their own limb in order to better interface with the world on their own terms, why isn't that also possible for a computer? As in, why is it not possible for a computer failing to do something or making some noise associated with an error to be read as an enjoyable response? What does a misreading mean in the context of love with an object? Do misunderstandings happen? If not... Why is that?

That there are such monopolistic commonalities in the ways of expressing interpretations of the personality of objects is what worries me, not any individual practices in themselves. Im basing this just off of what i know about objectum stuff based on video media and tumblr specifically.

Im thinking too, about the prevalence of mapping normative human ways of relating onto objects. Being objectum is already looked down on, is already suspect. On one hand i understand why what i might be seeing as a fault of someones bad imagination might also be a way to express this sort of love in a semipublic way in order to relate to others who do the same. As in, its safer to map human shit onto your object if youre going to be expressing love to your object at all, maybe, because at least those ways of relating are the already accepted ones. The anger there, then. Is that what should be ""reserved"" (what a word to use) for humans is now used for objects, and people interpret that as a threat to what is allowed to be considered human or not. Thinking about the propensity for people in comas/w paralysis/ etc to be considered vegetables and thus objects, etc.

But to me, something that 'sees itself' as nonhuman, disidentifies from humanity in its social actions and ways of relating (so, sure, an object, but also maybe the right sort of person) is something as infinitely unknowable as a person who can speak words and does so in expected fashion. The difference is that the implied certitude of words and language to describe something gets in the way of an understanding that could be deeper, more beautiful, maybe also more dangerous as far as projection goes. But I don't see projection as something inherently harmful--it is necessary to different extents based on experience and other bullshit. Whats more important are the causes and effects of actions, the feelings--so how do you come up with that information?

An aside. I see people trying very hard to own the community and control what possible identifications can exist, and unsurprisignly its thru those efforts and adjacent ones that seem to repeat the 'just find the best way to map a human body/human feelings/human responses onto your object'

And then i get disappointed in what 'humanity' thinks it is.

#objectum #ref #noniposting

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