#also ew why does that railing thing look so gross
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“how can I hurt you when you’re this cute?”
#my gear and your gown#MGYG#purefolk#folkpure#MGYG ep12#thai bl#MGYG finale#bl drama#gmmtv#wetv#cute :((((#im gonna miss them so much :((((#doreens gifs#spoilers#also ew why does that railing thing look so gross#giffing is hard i hate it#bye
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NSFW Alphabet | JJ Maybank
M A S T E R L I S T
Outer Banks Masterlist
smut
requests info
hope you enjoy, love you all.
AFTERCARE (what he’s like after sex)
so JJ is used to random hook ups and aftercare wasn’t always something he did
he did if he was in the mood
most of the time hook ups were a way to release pent up frustration
and when he’s mad he doesn’t do aftercare
until he started dating you
now he goes a little over the top with aftercare
he massages you with lotion afterwards
gets you water and snacks if you want them
hot water bottle if you’re sore
sometimes draws you a bath
boy really loves you & wants to take care of you
BODY PART (his favorite body part of his & yours)
JJ loves every single inch of your body
but deep down he’s an ass man
loves to see the round curve of your ass in those tight jeans you wear
and your bikini?
lets just say JJ has a lot of unwanted boners whenever you’re in a swimsuit
which is often during the summer
you can always count on JJ to pin you against the wall and grab a handful of that perfect ass of yours at least once a day
CUM (anything to do with cum, basically)
JJ thinks your cum tastes good
which is kind of embarrassing when he talks about it too much
sometimes he talks about your cum just to see you get all bashful about it with rosy cheeks
funnily enough JJ thinks his cum is kinda gross though
“ew it got on me!”
“that’s your cum JJ!”
he usually cleans it off your right away though
he doesn’t want it to get tacky on your skin
which grosses him out more
DIRTY SECRET (a dirty secret of his)
JJ, for some reason, is embarrassed about the fact that he tends to be a little gentler in bed then people expect
it’s an inside joke among the pogues that JJ is a rough lover
which you discovered is not really true
he can be rough, but normally he isn’t
he’s rough when he gets possessive
like when Rafe and his little group flirt with you to piss JJ off
you can bet that night JJ will be pounding into you so hard you won’t be able to walk for a few days
JJ can also get rough if he’s angry
if someone pisses JJ off for any reason you can count on getting thrown around a little
but he doesn’t throw you around too much, he would never hurt you
it’s all consensual though, JJ would never do that if he knew you didn’t want him to
EXPERIENCE (how experienced is he? does he know what he’s doing?)
JJ, much to your dismay, is very experienced while you were very inexperienced
by the time you two had sex the first time he had already been with 4 girls before you
JJ had to teach you everything about sex
he was very sexually ambiguous for a 17 year old
JJ has never been ashamed of his sexual past, but when he started dating you he did feel a little guilty when he saw how much it bothered you
it only bothered you so much because you were a virgin before JJ
you’ve never been with anybody before JJ, and he’s had a lot of sexual partners
and you would be lying if you said it didn’t bother you
because it does
a lot
that’s why JJ doesn’t really bring it up
FAVORITE POSITION (this goes without saying tbh)
any position he gets to fuck you is his favorite position
JJ always says “there’s way too many to pick just one!”
a personal favorite of yours is when you get to ride him
JJ is always takes the lead when it comes to sex
so he’s always watching you come undone
and when you ride him you get to see him come undone
and boy is it a beautiful sight
head tossed back against the bed
eyes squeezed shut
little whimpers escaping his clenched teeth
his hands holding your hips tightly to still control the pace
even when you top, JJ needs to be in control somehow
you can’t help but whine whenever you see his bottom lip pulled between his teeth
it truly is an honor to watch JJ cum
GOOFY (is he more serious in the moment? more humorous? etc)
he is both evenly
most of the time, JJ is goofy
he hardly even takes day to day life seriously
so most of the time JJ is cracking jokes and trying to make you laugh
and he spends a decent amount of time trying to make you blush
but when JJ gets upset he’s an entirely different person in the bedroom
his jaw is always locked, and his gaze is dark and lustful
he doesn’t crack any jokes, and doesn’t goof around
if someone made a move on you then JJ is usually pretty pissed off during sex
sometimes he’s gotta remind you who you belong to
HAIR (how well groomed is he? does the carpet match the drapes?)
trimmed a little but honestly JJ isn’t too concerned about it
you don’t care if he upkeeps his pubes or not so neither does he
he does if the bush gets to crazy but other than that he leaves it alone
they’re a shade darker then his hair
so like a dark dark blonde
INTIMACY (how is he during the moment? is he romantic?)
unless he’s angry, JJ is very intimate during sex
before JJ started dating you, he had sex just to get off
he had sex with girls because it felt good
there was no closeness in it, no intimacy
but with you sex is very intimate
it’s never about just getting off
every time he has sex with you
even when he’s angry and pounding into you
he’s showing you how much he loves you in the only way he knows best
while it’s true that JJ had a lot of sexual partners before you, none of them really showed JJ what sex could be like
that it could be so fucking good
because with them it felt good, but nowhere near as good as it feels to have sex with someone you love
JACK OFF (masturbation headcanon)
JJ jacks off a lot more then he used to
because when you’re not in the mood, or if you’re busy then he has to find some way to relieve himself
before you JJ would hit up every one of his booty calls until one of them agreed to come over
but he would never cheat on you so if you turn down sex, JJ waits
and while he waits he jerks off to satiate him until you’re ready
and he never rushes you because he’s not an asshole
he waits patiently because this sweet boy loves you very much
KINK (one or more of his kinks)
he hasn’t outwardly admitted it but you think JJ has a secret daddy kink
he loves when you do exactly what he says
he loves being in total control
he loves the trust that comes with it, when you physically show him that you trust him enough to do whatever he says without question
it’s comforting to know you trust him not to hurt you
he calls you little girl during sex a lot
which you love
“gonna cum for me little girl?”
“yes daddy please,”
it accidentally slipped out. really you didn’t mean to say it
but as soon as you did, JJ groaned softly
and his pace quickened a little
you could tell that he liked that
so you decided to “accidentally” say it more often
LOCATION (favorite places to do the deed)
JJ is a borderline exhibitionist
he likes the thrill of almost getting caught
but most of the places he chooses to rail you are places that couldn’t be come across accidentally
JJ can’t bring himself to risk someone else seeing you naked
or worse
getting fucked
if some other guy saw that beautiful fucked out look on your face when JJ’s driving his cock into you
he’d probably beat the guy to death
so JJ gets his “fucking in public” fix in restrooms or other places with lockable doors
he’d never fuck you out in the open
MOTIVATION (what turns him on?)
e v e r y t h i n g
JJ is horny 92% of the day so anything you do is bound to turn him on
bending over? JJ is popping a boner
your shirt lifts to reveal your midriff? JJ is 100% popping a boner
stripping down to your bikini to get in the water? he’s rock solid before you even get your shorts off
and then he’s looking around to make sure nobody else is watching you strip
there was one time he caught Pope looking when you were getting ready to get in the water and JJ might have punched him
he pulled the punch though, so it didn’t even really leave a bruise
it hurt enough for Pope to never make that mistake again
he literally closes his eyes until he hears you get into the water now, Pope won’t even risk glancing in your direction
he’s afraid of receiving JJ’s wrath if he’s caught looking again
NO (something he wouldn’t do, his turn offs)
anything that would cause you a lot of pain
he’s comfortable with inflicting you with a little bit of pain like spanking
but anything worse than that and JJ is out
once as a joke you asked JJ if you guys could try ‘blood play’ and JJ freaked out
“I would have to cut you Y/N, no fuckin’ way.”
“I was just kidding baby.”
JJ would prefer to make sex exciting in other ways
ways that can’t hurt you
like blindfolding you
using ice or feathers as stimulation
g e n t l e choking
very gentle
JJ can’t hurt you, he physically won’t feel any joy from it
his dad has hurt him so much that JJ doesn’t like hurting anybody that doesn’t really deserve it
like Rafe, he definitely deserves it
ORAL (preference on giving or receiving, skill, etc)
JJ hates being that stereotypical guy but he really loves when you give him a blow job
you’re just so fucking good at it
when you wrap your lips around him, it literally takes his breath away
when you use your tongue on the underside, JJ feels his insides begin to squirm around
plus he doesn’t mind receiving more than giving too much because he knows how much you love sucking him off
sometimes you beg him to let you suck him off
and of course, JJ always says yes
you’re fucking hungry for his cock, and if you had it your way it would always be in your mouth
but just because JJ likes receiving more than giving doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to go down on you
because JJ is phenomenal at eating you out
some of the most mind blowing orgasms you’ve ever had have been with JJ’s head in between your legs
boy knows what he’s doing in that regard, he just doesn’t do it very often
which doesn’t bother you because he will happily do it if you ask him to
PACE (is he fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc)
depends on his mood, like all things
if he’s in a good mood, his pace is pretty moderate
not too fast but not too slow
if he’s in a really lovey dovey mood then his pace is slow and passionate
long and deep strokes to make sure you feel every inch
if he’s pissed off or jealous then his pace is quick and brutal
harsh snaps of his hips against yours and definite bruises on your hips from him holding you so hard
he always feels bad about the bruises
but you always reassure him and insist you love the bruises
which you do
QUICKIE (his opinions on quickies, how often, etc)
quickies are a pretty normal thing for you two
it’s quickies more often then anything else
a quick fuck in the Chateau’s bathroom before any of the pogues notice you’re gone
quickies in your room when you sneak away from the party because JJ took off his shirt and you decided you desperately needed his cock
it’s rare that you two get to take your time
but when you can take your time, its some of the best sex you guys have
like it’s so good that it’s worth waiting for
but you’re not complaining too much because any sex you have with JJ is going to be amazing
RISK (is he okay with experimenting? does he take risks?)
yeah he’s okay with moderate risk
if it’s something that could get you in serious trouble then he absolutely won’t do it
if it puts you in a situation
if it’s something that could hurt you or cause you pain then no he won’t risk it
he cares about your needs and your safety way more than his own
JJ doesn’t care if he gets in trouble and he doesn’t care if he gets hurt
his pain tolerance is really high so he almost never notices if he gets hurt during sex
like if you claw at his back too much and he’s bleeding
actually he loves it when you claw at him, and he loves it even more if you make him bleed
you usually end up looking out for him in the same way he looks out for you
you won’t let him do anything that could end up hurting him
STAMINA (how many rounds can he go for? how long does he last?)
JJ can go for 2-3 rounds before his dick physically will not get hard again
if he had it his way he’d fuck you all night, but he can’t
which annoys him
boy can fuck you at Earth shattering speeds and hardly break a sweat
he’s got the energy of a hyperactive child when it comes to sex
sadistically that’s one of your favorite things about JJ, that he can fuck you for long periods of time without tiring
it makes sex exciting
TOYS (does he own toys? how much does he use them? on you or him?)
JJ definitely doesn’t own any toys but you do
and when he discovered this, he immediately brought it into your sex life
he loves watching you cum on a vibrator
he has a remote control one that he uses a lot so he can sit at the end of the bed and watch you cum without even touching you
he also got a small one that you sometimes use when other people are around
and JJ will randomly turn it on when you’re having dinner at Kiara’s
and you can’t make any sound or act weird
you always see that little smirk on JJ’s face from across the table when he sees you’re close
and he never lets you cum
UNFAIR (how much he likes to tease)
big tease energy
there was one night he was so frustrated that he teased you to tears
he edged you so much that one thrust and you were cumming around his cock
he’s a tease in day to day life and in the bedroom go figures
but when JJ is trying to show you how much he loves you he never teases
he worships your body and will give you orgasm after orgasm until you’re a shuddering mess
VOLUME (how loud is he? what kinds of sounds he makes, etc)
JJ mostly just groans and swears under his breath
he says he doesn’t want to drown out all of your beautiful sounds with his own moaning
but your favorite is when JJ growls softly in your ear, or when he sucks a harsh breath in through his teeth when you clench around him
you’re the noisy one in bed
and that’s the way JJ likes it
WILD CARD (random headcanon)
when you first started dating, JJ was actually really evasive about how many partners he’s had before you
he would get really quiet whenever you asked him and would never directly answer the question
until you cornered him in the Chateau, demanding to know how many people he’d been with
“4...” his voice was soft, and he wouldn’t lift his eyes to meet yours
that was more then you were expecting, but you couldn’t be mad at him
he was single then and had completely cut off every girl he’d ever had sex with the second you two started dating
so you immediately forgave him which was a huge relief for him
X-RAY (let’s see what’s going on under the belt)
JJ is packing
a good 8 inches when he’s fully hard
and he’s decently thick too
his cock reaches places inside you that make your toes curl
JJ has never really described himself as someone with a big dick, but once he saw your eyes widen when he first had sex with you
he thought maybe he might be bigger than average
which you love
there’s always a delicious stretch when he first enters you
YEARNING (how high is his sex drive?)
JJ is down to have sex whenever
he loves having sex with you and has a stupidly high sex drive
he needs sex at least twice a week or he’s going to be grumpy
so it was sort of an adjustment when he first started dating you
because it was at least a month until he took your virginity
so he was pretty grouchy for that month that he wasn’t having sex
he didn’t mind though because he was dating you and that’s way better than sex
ZZZ (how quickly does he fall asleep afterwards?)
JJ doesn’t fall asleep too quickly after sex
but since he does most of the work during sex, he’s usually pretty tired
but when he lays down with you, he will spend a few minutes talking to you before he falls asleep
he can last a good 10-15 minutes before he’s too tired to keep his eyes open
so you curl into his chest and fall asleep in his arms
heaven :)
#jj maybank smut#jj maybank#jj maybank x y/n#jj maybank x reader#jj x you#jj smut#outer banks#outer banks smut
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Part 1 Here! / Part 2 Here! / Part 3 Here! / Part 4 Here! / Part 5 Here! / Part 6 Here! / Part 7 Here! / Part 8 Here! / Part 9 Here! / Part 10 Here! / Part 11 Here! / Part 12 Here! / Part 13 Here! / Part 14 Here! / Part 15 Here!
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Song for this Chapter - (X)
A/N: Posted a day early because a few people asked me to, I think y’all are going to like this chapter :)
* “So what’s your pick (Y/N/N)?”
* You turn to your right, seeing Tyler’s grinning face.
* “Pick for what?” You take another modest sip from your glass.
* Conner’s throwing a party at his house since his parents will be gone all weekend.
* Half the school must be here, his house is almost as big as the Cullen’s
* Tyler exchanges a look with Conner and Mike and grins.
* The three of you and Angela are sitting in his Dad’s study, drinking his finest brandy
* You’ve just been taking very small polite sips to throw off any suspicions
* The upside to being a vampire: you can’t taste anything other than blood so the alcohol just tastes like water
* The downside: you stay drunk until you force yourself to throw it up
* “F*ck, Marry, Kill: me, Conner, and Mike.”
* You wrinkle your nose and Angela laughs
* “Gross questions like that are why I don’t sit with you guys at lunch anymore.” The others laugh and you take a sip of you drink as Tyler grins
* “It’s a game, everyone’s gone except you”
* Have they? You’ve been pretty tuned out, Jessica and Bella left to go to the bathroom like 20 minutes ago.
* To add, you haven’t seen either Edward, Emmett, or Rosalie since you all came together in the jeep.
* Things are still...different between you and Edward
* He’s not outwardly hostile towards you or anything but...
* He doesn’t smile at you anymore
* Not like he used to, with that carefree boyish grin
* Just thinking about it gets you down
* You were fairly surprised when he said he would come with you, Rosalie and Emmett to Conner’s party.
* You were less surprised when he basically abandoned you as soon as you got into the house
* You’ve been trying to see if you can hear any of your friends in the house but you haven’t been able to distinguish any voices yet
* You sigh, holding your drink out to Mike
* “Marry,” the bright grin on his face almost makes you feel bad.
* “Kill, kill” your drink sways as you point to Tyler and Conner.
* Another roar of laughter
* “Hey that’s not fair, you can’t kill both of us!” Tyler protests, you roll your eyes moving to stand
* “Fine F*ck Conner, kill Tyler. Angela you wanna come with I’m going to the bathroom”
* You want to go see what’s holding Jessica and Bella up, but you don’t want to leave Angela alone with three boys.
* Mike’s here, and nothing would probably happen, Conner and Tyler are flirts but you like to think they wouldn’t do anything like that.
* Still you don’t want to risk it.
* She nods, gulping down the rest of her drink. Following you out.
* “Did you hear that?! They said they would f*ck me!” You hear Conner shout triumphantly after you’ve closed the door
* “Yeah but they said that they would kill you first, doesn’t count” Mike says, you hear the clink of ice as you assume he pours another drink
* “Oh getting arrogant just because they said they would marry you huh?”
* “Bet he wishes it was Bella who said she would marry him.”
* You roll your eyes holding out your hand to Angela
* “So we don’t get lost.” She smiles as she takes it. You have to practically slither through the crowd
* Conner’s house is needlessly complicated. Hallways that don’t lead anywhere and so many closets.
* The O’Malleys really should have hired Esme to design their house
* “Ah, there they are!” You see Jessica and Bella leaning against the railing of the second floor. It looks like they’re talking to someone-
* Oh it’s Edward
* Jessica notices you and works her way over to you
* But your eyes are glued to Edward and Bella, they haven’t even noticed you yet. Or that Jessica left them.
* Bella’s eyes are twinkling as she looks up at him, her cheeks are tinged pink, and Edward-
* He’s got a sparkle in his eye, his mouth quirked in that boyish lopsided grin.
* So that smile is really just for her now
* They really do look good together
* “Hey what’s wrong?” You didn’t even notice Jessica was standing in front of you.
* Are you crying right now? No of course not, you can’t cry.
* “Nothing! We were looking for you and Lauren. Mike and Tyler are playing this game that I think you two would be very into” you give her a sly wink and she blushes
* “I thought we came to go to the bathroom.” Oh sh*t you did use that as your excuse.
* “Well I didn’t wanna be obvious yknow?” You say to Angela, catching another glimpse of Bella and Edward behind her, looks like she’s laughing at something he said. “Do you need to go to the bathroom?”
* You turn your attention back to Angela who’s nodding.
* “Jessica why don’t you show her where it is, you just went right?” Jessica’s eyebrows thread together
* “Yeah I did but-“ she doesn’t want to leave you alone. Before you can reassure her you’ll be fine you feel someone throw their arms around you
* For a second your heart skips a beat.
* Edward?
* “Oh my god babes you look so cute, we have to take a picture together!”
* Oh it’s just Lauren
* Wait why are you disappointed? This is perfect.
* “Of course I was just looking for you!” You nod to Jessica and Angela. “We’ll meet you both back at Conner’s dad’s home office.”
* Jessica gives you a reluctant look but nods, leading Angela into the crowd.
* You take one last glance at Edward and Bella, from here he almost looks human.
* This is the way things are supposed to be.
* “Hey Lauren, wanna do some shots?”
* Lauren has her faults, but she’s always down for anything you might suggest. It’s kind of weird, but she reminds you a little of Alec.
* So you’re a little impressed when she finds a several bottles of vodka hidden in a various books.
* “Conner’s mom has a drinking problem, shhhhh don’t tell anyone”
* Yeah you kinda figured
* “We brought vodka!!” She shouts when she enters the study earning cheers from the rest of the boys.
* Looks like Jessica and Angela aren’t back yet.
* Lauren stole your spot on the armchair so she could flirt with Tyler. You sigh sitting carefully on top of the desk.
* “You leave with one girl and come back with another, how do you do it?” Conner’s got a devilish grin as he leans in to ask you.
* You drink straight from the bottle.
* You’re going to play a drinking game, anytime any of these boys try’s to flirt with you you take a drink.
* “I’m really hot.” You say bluntly
* Conner and Mike laugh
* “Yeah-I mean, yeah you definitely are.” Mike stutters
* If you were human you would probably be nervous by this situation, you’re basically sitting on the desk between Mike and Conner. Mike is on the end of the sofa, and Conner is sitting next to you in the office chair.
* But now that you’re a vampire, you could kill both of these boys with a simple flick of your wrist
* “So what’s going on between you and Cullen really?” Mike asks and you remember the look on Edward’s face when he was talking to Bella.
* “Nothing, we’re just friends” even less than that at this point. You’re just someone who lives in his house
* you’re worried they’re going to press further on the issue and all the emotions you’ve kept sealed away will come out overflowing.
* But they don’t, maybe Conner senses somethings happened because instead he says:
* “So you would f*ck me huh?” You laugh
* “Oh my god are you still stuck on that?”
* “And you said you would marry me?” Mike is grinning so wide he’s actually grinning.
* “You guys are ridiculous.” You’re laughing so hard you cover your mouth.
* “Alright, out of the entire friend group, f*ck, marry, kill, who are your picks?” Conner leans a bit closer, you wonder if he’s been eating healthier lately, he doesn’t smell nearly as bad as he used to.
* It’s still pretty bad, but now there’s a sweeter herbal undertone
* “Hmmm you guys go first I have to think” you lightly shove Conner by the shoulder and he actually rolls back a bit.
* “Alright hmmm-“ he rubs his chin in mock thought “well marry you of course-“
* “Of course” you nod taking another swig of Vodka
* “F*ck Mike”
* “What?” Mike is genuinely flustered and you grin
* “It’s that golden retriever vibe he gives off right?” You say and Conner nods
* “Exactly! Also he looks like a good cuddler.”
* “Definitely a little spoon”
* “Definitely”
* Mike looks like he’s going to combust from the attention from how red his face is.
* “Kill.... I guess kill Edward, the less competition the better” Conner gives you a meaningful look
* Well you don’t know how to feel about that so you just take another swig of Vodka. The more you drink the easier it’ll come out later right?
* “Your turn Mike.”
* “Marry Bella-“
* “Of course” you and Conner say in unison, clinking your bottle to his glass after you do.
* “Fuck you, kill Edward”
* “Damn no love for Edward at all huh?” You say with a gasp of surprise.
* You’re a little annoyed he didn’t pick Jessica.
* You like Bella and all, and her shy bookworm thing is kinda cute, but Jessica is clearly the superior choice.
* “Don’t deflect now that it’s your turn.” Conner lightly bumps your knee against yours
* Wait when did he move from the chair and sit beside you on the desk?
* You roll your eyes and take another swig of vodka
* “Marry Jessica,” they both sputter at that, Conner actually spits out his drink mid gulp.
* Ew Gross.
* “Fuck Conner, Kill Mike.”
* Conner does a fist pump and Mike looks genuinely hurt.
* “I’m sorry Mike but it’s either marriage or kill, there’s no in between.”
* Mike pouts, before sitting up straighter
* “I bet I’m a better kisser than Conner.”
* You take a long drink of Vodka
* “No way dude, you and I both used to date Lauren and I don’t think she would have dated me again after you if you were a better kisser”
* “That was in middle school! I had braces back then!”
* “Yeah, that’s why you’re so bad at kissing.” Conner says matter of factly taking a sip of his Dad’s brandy straight from the decanter
* “No, I had to lea-“
* “Oh my god would you both shut up?” You shout and let out a huff of annoyance before reaching out and grabbing Mike by the collar of his shirt, tugging him forward
* Your lips meet his briefly, your eyes are closed, and his are open. He adjust to the situation quickly, cupping your cheek and tilting his head slightly
* Not bad
* You break away, turning to Conner, he’s a bit more ready than Mike. He cups your face with both hands, mouth parting slightly as one of his hands slides into your hair.
* You break away sweetly, with one last peck.
* “Conner’s better” you say the bottle of vodka already on your lips. Conner’s laughing while Mike protests.
* “What-no, I wasn’t ready, I want another chance!” You roll your eyes as he looks at you expectantly
* “Fin-“ he breaks you off with his lips, this time is better than the last. He’s standing, and the angle adds to the technique, his hand is on the back your neck, tilting your chin up with the other
* Oh wow.
* You’re a little dazzled when you break apart. Jessica is one lucky girl.
* “Wait if he gets another chance I want one too.” Conner protests, you just nod dumbly.
* That was a really good kiss. You feel all warm and fuzzy.
* Before you can think Conner wraps an arm around your waist tugging you close, he dips you back before kissing you. You open your mouth from the surprise and he takes the opportunity to sweep his tongue in.
* You’re seeing stars, and then abruptly you’re yanked by the shoulder.
* Oh does Mike want another turn?
* Without even opening your eyes you kiss the person who pulled on your shoulder.
* These lips feel different then Mike’s, almost-sticky? Or is it slippery? They smell different too like boiled broccoli-
* Oh shit
* You hesitantly open your eyes, only to see a very shocked Jessica
* “Oh my god” you pull back quickly, cupping your hand over your mouth so you don’t kiss anyone else by accident “I’m so sorry Jess- I didn’t-“
* Before you can finish someone tugs your arm, you vaguely understand what’s happening, one of your arms grasped by a very strong hand and your other carrying a bottle of vodka.
* It’s Edward, you recognize the blue collared shirt he’s wearing, you bought him that shirt last year for his birthday.
* “E-Edward? Wait where-“ you turn to the side to see Jessica who’s standing very still, your eyes briefly meet Bella’s and they flash with-hurt?
* What did you kiss her too when you weren’t paying attention?
* “H-hey Edward that hurts!” If he heard you he doesn’t seem to care, dragging you through the party and through the cluster of people all along the front yard
* You’re vaguely aware of the stares your way. You both must look pretty weird, or at least like a couple of kids dying to f*ck
* All you can see when you look straight forward is Edward’s back. His broad shoulders and the slender curve of his back.
* For some reason, the safest place you can imagine is the middle of Edward’s back. You bet it’s so warm and safe to be nestled there.
* You bet it’s the place Bella feels the most safe in
* A prickle of irritation burns in you. And in your impatience when Edward starts to slow you wrap your arms around his waist-
* “(Y/N), what are you-“ He grumbles, but you don’t pay it any mind, you nestle your head in his back, right below the spot between his shoulder blades. Breathing his scent in deeply.
* Edward always smells so good, like Argon oil and Rosemary
* You feel him sigh, his hand resting over yours that are intertwined on his stomach
* You stay like that for a moment, you’re not sure how long, it might have been hours
* But it feels too soon when Edward pulls away from you.
* The whine of protest that’s building in the back of your throat dies when you see his face
* “Hey, what’s wrong, why are you upset?” A hand lifts to cradle Edward’s face. His mouth is pinched into a frown and his eyes... they look so sad
* Your compassion only seems to irritate him further because he shakes your hand off of his face
* You’re a little hurt, and very confused
* “What were you doing in there?” You can tell from the way his voice trembles he’s barely contains his anger
* “We were playing a game” you say in a small voice. Edward gives out a bitter laugh
* “And what game was that, spin the bottle?”
* “Who’s the better kisser actually” you mumble, looking down at your shoes feeling a little embarrassed
* “You can’t even imagine the vile thoughts they were-“ he cuts himself off, averting his gaze from you
* You feel like a bucket of cold water got dumped on you
* They’re your friends. You were just having a good time. It was all just harmless fun wasn’t it?
* oh god you kissed Jessica! Jessica your best friend.
* How are supposed to face her now
* “Have you been drinking?” He asks, tugging the bottle hanging limply from between your fingers.
* It’s almost empty, less than a quarter left.
* “H-hey I didn’t drink all of that, Lauren drank quite a bit too, and I’m pretty sure it was already half empty when we got it.” Edward raises an eyebrow and you avert your eyes. You’ve going through too much to handle facing him head on.
* “(Y/N), what’s going on, this isn’t like you” He let’s out a long sigh.
* Why did you drink so much?
* Maybe if he wasn’t so wrapped up in that human he would realize-
* Realize what? Where was that sentence going?
* You remember seeing Edward and Bella talk, the smile he gave her-
* No you can’t think about that right now
* “Nothing’s going on,” he looks at you skeptically and you look back to the ground “I just-I just want you to be happy Eddie.”
* He scoffs
* “You have a funny way of showing it.” He’s about to move back but your hand reaches out to stop him, resting on his forearm
* “No I really want you to be happy Edward, and I see the way you look at her-“
* “What?”
* “And I want you to know that it’s okay!” Your eyes stay fixed on his chest, the pocket of his shirt. “I know everyone around us, including Carlisle, have been hoping we would end up together, but don’t worry about that. You can say it was me if you need to, and-“
* He stops you by placing both of his hand on your face, your eyes meeting his.
* “What are you talking about?”
* This time you’re the one that scoffs
* “Bella of course,” he lets out some noise of disbelief, a mix of a scoff and a snicker
* “Bella? You think I love Bella?” He’s laughing at you! The criminal is laughing at you!
* “Im not stupid Edward!”
* “When have I ever said I have feelings for Bella?”
* “You don’t have to! I see the way you look at her! Like just now-when you were up by the stairwell, you looked at her like she was the only person in the room.”
* He doesn’t scoff now and he averts his eyes. You feel your heart sink a little.
* It’s okay, this is for the best.
* Bella’s going to give him everything he wants.
* Even a baby.
* You can’t give him that.
* “Oh my god Bella! She probably has the totally wrong idea! We have to go back, we have to-“ you’re already moving when you feel Edward grasp your arm, holding you back.
* Your eyebrows thread together in confusion
* “Edward what are you doing? We have to-“
* “I don’t love Bella” he interrupts.
* You’re confused, and then you’re angry.
* Is he lying to you? Straight to your face after you’ve already told him you know everything? Why even bother? What is he trying to save his pride or something, because you’re 100% sure that Bella’s feeling it just as much as he is
* “You don’t need to lie to me Edward-“
* “I’m not lying!” He tugs you closer, the bottle of vodka falling to the ground with a clang.
* You’re caged in his arms, each of his hands is holding your by the elbow. His gold eyes look straight into yours
* “There’s only one person I’ve ever loved,” a gentle smile curls onto his mouth. “They’re impossibly stubborn, when they get an idea in their mind. And they have no sense of self preservation whatsoever.”
* This sounds like Bella. Is this a trick or something?
* His eyes get warm as he looks down at you, his lips twitching as his smile widens
* “But they’re also very compassionate, they’re someone with endless amounts of hope, and everything around them is so-different- so fun! They make me feel....”
* he’s been inching closer this entire time, your chest is practically pressed against his.
* “Human” he finishes with a grin
* His forehead presses against yours and you feel butterflies erupt in your stomach.
* “I’m in love with you, (Y/N), it’s always been you.”
* Before you have time to process the bombshell Edward just dropped on you, Edward moves an inch closer and places his lips over your own.
* Your eyes are open at first, mostly from shock, but they drift close when Edward’s hand trails down the edge of you face, resting on your cheek.
* His kiss is so different from Mike and Conner’s kisses.
* Their kiss had been passionate, almost possessive.
* But Edward’s kiss- his kiss makes you feel safe.
* His hand rests on the small of your back, the other lightly touches the side of your face.
* It’s firm, but you know if you didn’t like his touch, if you wanted it to stop, you could end it anytime.
* He’s leaving you an escape
* He’s still your Edward, Your kind, considerate Edward.
* If you were human tears would prickle the corner of your eyes.
* Instead you stand on your toes, wrapping your arms around his neck to bring him in even closer.
* You’re seeing stars when he finally pulls away, and in your daze you actually follow him, stealing one last peck.
* You stand tall, looking straight into his eyes, he’s got the biggest goofiest grin you’ve ever seen
* Even goofier than the one he had when you said you would move with him to Forks.
* “Um, so how was I compared to Mike and Connor?”
* You roll your eyes, he’s still trying to lighten the mood with dumb jokes
* You doubt he needs you to answer. He knows you loved it. He’s so happy he’s glowing. You feel almost feel dizzy looking at him.
* And there’s a million things you want to say to him, but you don’t say any of them.
* Instead you lean over and puke all over his shoes.
* “That bad huh?”
BONUS:
* “Was it just me, or were they like really cold?” Mike asks, his lips still feel a little numb
* “Yeah, but I kind of liked it, it’s like ice play.” Conner grins, and then spares a glance to his friend “How you doing over there Jess thinking of coming down anytime soon?”
* Jessica’s got the widest goofiest grin on her face, her fingers trailing her lips every so often.
* Bella sits beside her with her mouth pinched into a frown
* “It’s always the blonde’s that have all the fun” She mumbles
Tags: @moonlights27 @thebluetint @the100thtwilight @awesomebooklover17 @oneofthepotterheads @smileygirl08 @imdoingathingmom @iconicgguk @yrawn @alyciaswhore @little-horror-show @wicked-watering-can @lazydreamers @ xxxmuxxx @ideas-for-you-to-adopt @poisoinedhope @maryleigh8796 @moose-squirrel-asstiel @hotmessgoodness @jaimewho @corabmarie @what-am-i-doing10 @alluring-venus @imdoingathingmom
#twilight#twilight imagine#twilight saga#twilight headcanon#twiligh reader insert#edward cullen#edward cullen imagine#Edward Cullen x reader#bella swan#bella swan imagine#bella swan x reader#mike newton#mike newton x reader#conner twilight#cullen imagine#superhero--imagines#midnight sun
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what are your thoughts on thruples? cause I keep thinking about Paige/Henry/Coop, especially with Henry and Coop's epic bromance in the comics
ooh that could be very interesting. personally, i'm game for throuples (tho i will say i Hate the word throuple i think it sounds gross just like you know moist or something so i usually just say "poly relationship") but i do kind have beef when it's like. like you know the meme "it doesn't have to be like this [blank] has two hands"? funny meme i do like it but i hate when a poly relationship is just kinda an excuse to merge two couples rather than something that like emerges as distinct relationships between all three parties. like bella edward and jacob as a couple like. shure because bella loves edward and bella loves jacob but jacob and edward really don't like have anything there it's more like roommates who share a girlfriend rather than a poly relationship. one piece of media that i think really did it well was siren on freeform which i highly recommend the first two seasons it kinda goes off the rails s3 and then was cancelled but the first two season it really spends time fleshing out all aspects of the relationships between ben, ryn, & maddie and it also actually goes canon which is lit 🤙🤙
but basically. if i were to do a paige/henry/coop, i think i would start with specifically a paige/coop bromance introduce henry into the mix & let it blossom from there so like. as previously stated. i think each leg of the triangle here needs to be strong n steady on its own so um underneath the cut is i believe a record breaking 6.6k
rip richard but we'll say richard also died in this au rip. and then, of course, kyle also died. idk if he's a whitelighter or not but the point is paige has this weight on her chest like god i can't save these people i can't save the people i love ouch everything hurts
& that's when coop shows up!
and we'll have his introduction plot be a fusion of heartbreak city and the magic hour where coop's got this relationship and it's perfect they're so in love but there's this demonic interference and it's gonna kill one or both of them so he busts down the charmed ones' door like hi you guys are protectors of the innocent right well i have some innocents in dire need of protection
to which this duty gets turfed to paige because piper idk has work and phoebe has a date and phoebe's like i can cancel it to help! and coop's like what no the whole reason i'm here is love go go find love paige can totally handle this
and paige is like :| because she really doesn't want this gig and coop's explaining it all to her how this love is going to be broken up by a magical death unless they stop it and paige is like okay look here coop let's not get our expectations up to high because in my experience almost all relationships end in a magical death and coop’s like !!!
and immediately does like a cupid reading on her and paige is trying to bat him away like ew no i do not need any love guru-ing right now okay let’s just fix your thing and then you can leave okay
and coop’s like no don’t you see? this is fate, the fact that it’s you and me on this, it means i’m meant to be here, i’m meant to help you find love
and paige is like uh no it means piper’s a mother of two and phoebe’s on a date while i am the tragic spinstress of magic school (which is still under her charge just bc it is we didn’t abandon it)
and coop’s like nope. it’s fate. and paige rolls her eyes and coop’s like come on, like you don’t believe in fate and paige is like actually i don’t! and coop just smiles at her bc he knows she’s lying and paige knows she knows he’s lying and she tries to sneer at him but it’s just insanely half hearted bc to be honest her heart kinda skipped a beat with that smile but no
absolutely not
dude, all she gets is cursed love, and now a cupid?
she can’t go through all that she can’t fight for love only to watch him die no she’s gonna ignore it he’s not that cute anyways oh fuck he totally is but whatever!!! doesn’t matter
so blah blah blah paige and coop save the day including one moment where idk there’s an explosion or something they have to dodge something hide for attackers something where they get thrown up against a wall faces inches apart from each other breathing heavy undeniably a moment which they both Immediately break because wooooah that is a little too much chemistry!! better act like that never happened
and you know next episode or whatever coop’s like okay let’s find you love!! and paige is like not now i’m at work and coop’s like in an alleyway and paige is like i need to look after my charge and then after that i need to grade papers and after that i need to order cauldrons and after that-
and coop’s like find love?
and paige is like no. i need to.... but um she forgot the rest of her list
and coop’s like find love excellent sounds great!
and paige is like anyone ever tell you you’re really annoying and coop’s like nope i’m a cupid :0)
and blah blah blah they’re arguing and something something w paige’s charge and paige is like i gotta go talk to him but coop holds her back because wait who’s that approaching him and paige is like fuck that must be his parole officer bc idk he’s doing something that is obviously breaking parole and paige is like aaaaaaa what do we do and then it’s a henry face reveal and both paige and coop are like woah.
but then paige is storming off trying to like try to fight henry and henry’s like what the fuck is this?? and coop’s running up like hi i’m also here and speed’s like i-cannot stress this enough-do not know any of these people and coop’s like you don’t know us yet and paige is like you can’t do this speed’s a good kid and speed’s like yeah!!
and henry’s like he was so very obviously breaking parole and paige is like he’s a kid and henry’s like a kid who’s been to juvie!! twice!!! and who should know the damn rules by now
and paige is like look something something clever talk bargaining whatever puts something of her own at stake and henry’s like you’re really gonna risk it all on this kid and paige is like yes. he’s destined for greatness. and speed is like yeah!! and henry’s like fine. whatever. but when the other shoe drops, you know like i’m gonna cash in whatever wager paige made here
& he leaves
and speed’s like thanks also who are you and idk we get a paige monologue something full of love and spirit and coop’s also there still and speed’s listening to this monologue kinda like um okay bc honestly? just met her five minutes ago this is kind of a lot but coop’s listening to this monologue like wow😍
so idk speed leaves and coop’s like hey so do you pick a fight with all the guy’s you find attractive and paige is like what
and coop’s like well i’m just saying you know with richard with kyle with me and now with henry i’m kinda sensing a pattern there
and paige is like did you just include yourself on that list and coop’s like i mean yeah duh
and paige kinda wants to argue back but her blush is giving her away so it’s best just to change the subject so what you think i should be going for the parole officer?
and coop’s like yes! didn’t you feel it there was a spark there passion energy something that with the help of yours truly can easily turn into love and paige is like yeah no. absolutely not.
and coop’s like come on why not he was hot and paige is like yeah well if he’s so hot why don’t you date him and coop pauses like hmm like genuinely consider and paige is like don’t do that
and coop’s like why not and paige is torn between don’t date him because i actually did feel that spark and i do kinda like him and also don’t date him because if you’re gonna date anyone it should be me but both those are too embarrassing to say out loud to her cupid so instead she just says conflict of interest
and we flash forward to later idk when the point is speed is doing graffiti on public property but not just like stupid pointing a spray can at something la la la like proper graffiti like an artform but as it is unfortunately public property that is Illegal so it breaks parole
so idk henry’s there and busts him and paige senses speed’s in trouble so she shows up and henry’s like good you’re here. i’m not actually gonna cash in the thing that you wagered because that’d be unfair, because i know the kid, i know that he always let’s you down and speed’s like hey man
but paige is looking up at the wall and she’s like don’t you get it and henry’s like ...no and paige is like it’s art. it’s a release, it’s a coping mechanism and speed’s like idk that’s all sounding a little bit pretentious for a bit of graffiti and paige is like you can’t arrest him for this and henry’s like it’s literally illegal. & i already let him walk once what part of this aren’t you getting
and then there’s like a. idk cop radio thing i don’t know how police work that’s talking about how whatever gang speed used to run with just robbed some place but they’re hot on their tail bc their getaway driver sucks and henry’s looking at speed bc speed Is the getaway driver hence the name and henry’s like how come you aren’t driving that car huh
and speed just shrugs and henry’s like no how come you’re not driving that car what you swap out one crime for another you’re getting busted either way and speed like shrugs
and paige is like he’s creating art instead and henry’s like did they approach you to drive the getaway car and speed shrugs and henry’s did they approach you to drive the getaway car and speeds like yes man they did i said no and henry looks up at the art
and it’s some super nail on the head craving freedom thing a bird breaking free from a cage type shit and it’s gorgeous
and henry looks at paige like what are you, huh
and paige is like freelance guardian angel
and henry just uncuffs speed and speed’s like what are you doing and henry’s like go. next time you do this find a wall that isn’t public property
and speed can’t help it he kinda smiles n runs off and henry just looks at paige bc what the hell has this girl gotten into him bc normally he’s just got such a concrete shell but she’s smiling at him like he just made the right choice and he’s really gotta fight the urge to smile back. what the fuck
so he says something stupid and leaves
and later paige is doing something when boom coop is here invading her personal bubble bc that’s become their new mode of communication is there are one thousand empty chairs and coop is seated in one paige will walk over and sit on that same chair that’s how they operate bc again there’s this sense of longing for one another and they both know they can’t go for it so instead they just opt for this intense intimacy passed off as friendship
and paige is like met the parole officer again and coop’s like oh henry mitchell? and paige is like how do u know his full name and coop’s like did my research<3 and they’re talking blah blah blah idk and it’s both how to land a date with this guy and also heavy flirting at the same time. and then like phoebe walks into the room and they snap apart like magnets with the same polarity i think?? been a while since the fifth grade and their language just becomes so much more stifled
to which phoebe is vaguely aware and this is a change but we as the audience are super aware it’s a change meaning that their constant flirty banter is a choice on both parts they are both very consciously doing this
and then i don’t know there’s something bigger going on in the main plot which has been building and the main villain needs something magical from each type of being so a cupid’s next on the grocery list so idk coop is either out minding his own business getting coffee or he’s out on reconnaissance on henry when all of a sudden he’s attacked!! by idk an arrow seems convenient honestly we should do a bow and arrow an homage to in original cupid iconography
and henry’s in proximity and sees this and idk maybe they’re somewhere where there aren’t that many people just so you know u can be attacked by a bow and arrow and henry’s like what the fuck!??!?! running over to help him and he vague recognizes him as the angel’s friend but is mainly like holy shit did you just get shot with a bow and arrow and henry’s like i’ll call an ambulance i’ll drive u to the hospital
and coop’s like no no uhh can’t go with the whole i am actually a magical being i exist in no databases and also have no money so instead goes with the i have no health insurance and henry’s like hmm. fuck.
so the next thing you know coop’s on henry’s couch and henry’s doing rudimentary first aid and coop’s really trying to hobble away because if he can just get to paige she can heal this because she unlocked that power in like s5 or s6 in a more natural progression but henry’s not letting him leave because dude you have an arrow in your chest
and now we’re doing the hurt comfort schtick with the meaningful glances and also coop is shirtless bc well you know Arrow In Chest and he’s also in henry’s apartment which is offering a very weird sense of intimacy
and there’s also this kind of banter going because coop’s like no i’m fine i can leave this is fine and henry’s like dude. please let me at least try to help you and after that you can walk right out of here and go repuncture your lung. but just. while you’re. let me do what i can
and coop’s like okay because like. well i mean a) gotta keep up appearances like he’s mortal and b) henry’s kinda fine so sure he can play doctor what’s the worse that can happen
and henry’s like okay we gotta get this arrow out of you so um. any ideas on how to do that? and coops like yeah break off the feathered part and then pull the rest through
and henry’s just like yeah? you have experience with this? and coop’s like once or twice and henry’s like what do you do?
and coop’s like ... relationship therapist
and henry’s like are relationship therapists frequently attacked by archers and coop’s like yeah more often than you’d think
and henry removed the arrow and the actual point stabby bit of the arrow is shaped like a heart just for funsies bc it’s for cupids but henry’s looking at this like relationship therapist hunting arrow??
anyways. henry is pressing some bandages against coop’s chest to staunch the bleeding and there’s a Moment there to which henry kinda falters because woah gay thoughts?? and the pressure lightens but then o shit i’m lightening the pressure don’t do that!! so he pushes hard and coop’s like aa!! and henry’s like fuck jesus and coop just kinda laughs like i guess you don’t patch up arrow wounds that frequently and henry’s like yeah actually you’re my first!!
something something something coop’s patched up and henry gives him once of his shirts because coop’s shirt had to be cut off him bc of the arrow and we get one of the classic how to i look / starstruck moments because hell yeah we do
and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah coop makes it home and paige is like where in god’s name did u get that shirt bc it looks nothing like what coop would wear in fact in kinda reminds her of
believe it or not, henry
hot parole officer henry?
the one and only
and paige is like you slept with him??? and coop’s like close. i was shot with an arrow and he patched me up
and paige is like !!! because you know main plot evil all this that coop takes off henry’s shirt so paige can see the wound and heal it and she’s looking at henry’s handiwork and it really is the old college try but that man is not a medic so now paige is laying her hand on coop’s bare chest and phoebe walks in and immediately turns on a heel like i’ll give you guys some space!!
and paige is like no it’s fine i’m healing him he was shot main plot and phoebe’s like oh
and then later phoebe’s talking with paige like okay you and coop tho. bc like. ik ik healing or whatever. but like. 👀👀.
and tbh paige has been waiting for this because she really needs to unpack bc like i know!! because coop and i have this thing and it’s a great thing but it like can’t be a thing it’s a forbidden thing but i want it to be a thing but at the same time there’s this other guy and i can’t get him off my mind and i’m worried i’m just viewing him as a safer alternative instead of coop but like. idk he was just my backup i feel like i would be more lukewarm about it. but i’m not. like. i’m really not i kind wish i was because i don’t know if i can do a relationship again especially because he’s mortal like i can’t have someone i care for die again so maybe it’s safer just to keep what i have with coop or maybe even to explore that further? and keep henry safe? but like this and that and this and that
and phoebe’s like buzzing because it’s been a while since she’s had such an interesting love mess to tinker with so the first thing she does is go to coop just to see what she can sus out there Meanwhile paige is with speed where you ask? p3. well, outside of it
speed is painting the side of the club with this amazing artwork and clearly there’s this vein of magic running through it with certain symbols all that and he’s using paintcans and paige has her paintbrush and is adding smaller pieces as well
and she’s like hey where’d you get like that idea or thing idea because they’re all like. runes or magical somethings or others and speeds like idk. saw it in a dream maybe.
and henry rolls up because he stopped at the manor looking for paige and piper directed him here and he’s just like. like he sees this amazing work and it’s a big heart full moment and paige and speed finish up and speed adds his little signature at the bottom and leaves and henry says he’s proud of him and speed acts like he doesn’t care but he does
so henry’s like hey how’s your friend and paige is like coop? yeah, no he’s totally fine and henry’s like really???
and paige is like yeah no um. my brother in law! is an army medic. so um. he was able to. yeah : ) which isn’t technically a lie because leo was he’s just also kinda frozen in a block of ice now so whoops
and henry’s like that’s good but the real reason he’s her it to like thank paige for you know like. seeing the light like maybe henry has become too bitter and jaded so it’s good to know that there are freelance guardian angels out there keeping the balance and you know watching out for these kids so thank you for just like. being a good person.
and he also looks at her art and he’s like this your coping mechanism and paige is like yeah [tragic backstory swap time!!] and both paige and henry kinda realize how they’re like almost mirrors to each other and henry kisses her and paige kisses him back but then stops because she likes him too much which means he’s gonna die
so she’s like sry i gotta go and henry’s like oh :\ because um. well. whoops. because like. god he so rarely goes out on a limb like that and for one moment there it felt like it was all gonna align like he wasn’t gonna get ditched but paige’s green punchbuggy is already peeling out of the lot so guess not
so phoebe’s determined that coop is indeed in love with paige so all that needs is a little nudging okay she’s on mission time to go
and then next thing you know paige is storming in all in a tizzy because she kissed henry and coop’s like this is great news and paige is like no this is bad news! and coop’s like ???
and paige is like no you don’t understand it’s like i’m cursed because whenever i love someone whenever i truly love someone they die and that kiss....... it was..... i can’t have henry die
and coop is like on full cupid mode idk a cupid monologue blah blah blah love <3 and it kind of heals paige both in a sense that it quells her worries but also in a sense that being around coop always seems to make her feel better like she just feels warmer feels safer when he’s around so um. she should probably. figure something out about that. esp in regards to henry. right?
anyways. coop for some reason or another runs into henry again (call it fate) and henry’s like hey r u okay? and coop’s like yeah : ) ! and thank you, by the way, for um patching me up and stuff and henry’s like yeah no problem but um look can i ask you a favor and coop’s like sure
and henry’s like you’re a relationship therapist right and coop’s like yeah 99% sure he knows where this is going and henry’s like like family and relationship counselling and coop’s now only like 40% sure he knows where this is going and he’s like sure and henry’s like great okay so um i’ve got this parolee who [plot background story idk there needs to be some familial healing something or other] is there like. anyway you can help out with that
and coop’s like totally!! and henry’s like oh thank god because like. therapy expensive.
and now we get another one of those moments like seeing someone in their element henry sees coop as he goes basically full cupid but rather than romantic love it’s familial and henry’s like in awe and he’s also kind like wow okay i’d totally make out with that guy like right now but like. like he just kissed paige. and he knows coop and paige are friends. so like. like he can’t do that right? is that too weird?
so family therapy a success and like as established forging bonds of love strengthens cupids so coop’s like word you know if you ever need this on a more regular basis and henry’s like i promise you’re gonna regret offering that and coop’s like not a chance and henry’s like i really have like nothing to pay you with and coop’s like you make these kids lives better. i don’t need payment and henry looks over and gets is Own aha moment of oh i do have a purpose and also i love my job type thing
but. there is another task at hand. because like. are you and paige?? like??
and coop’s like me and paige??? and he’s about to say no because no they’re not but now he’s thinking about it and they are kinda more than they are not but henry’s not asking about the minutiae of it so now henry’s just watching him go on this face journey before going why do you ask : ) and henry’s like no nothing i just thought like well i don’t know what i thought
and coop’s like haha yeah well you know it’s um. haha yeah! you know how it is. i mean. paige is amazing and henry’s like yeah she really is and coop’s like yeah and like she’s just got all this love in her heart and henry’s like i know!! and she’s so smart like you should see what she’s done with speed she got him this place where he can put up his own art and like blah blah blah and at this point it is just coop and henry praising paige to each other for about five minutes before they kinda realize what’s going on and they’re like hmm. well this is kinda weird. cuz now we both kinda sound in love with her.
and coop’s like listen. i know paige really likes you. like a lot
and henry’s like woah i’m gonna stop you there because um. like. i mean i don’t wanna sound weird but like. like we did kiss and then she kinda just ran off and i mean literally ran hopped into her car drove away type thing so. i don’t really think so. so :\
and coop’s like no i mean like okay yeah that did happen but dude you’ve gotta understand she’s had so much loss and henry’s like no i know she told be about her parents and coop’s voice gets real low leans in because this is Top Secret information and he’s like it goes beyond that and henry’s like what and coop’s like her past two boyfriends both died. one from a heart attack, the other was hit by a car (well, no richard was not hit by a car but when all the magic inside you fucks you up that bad evidently the wreck that’s left kinda looks like you were hit by a semi. ouch) and coop’s like so paige kinda just. thinks she’s cursed.
and henry’s like oh. because my god. that’s a lot to process. and that like. like makes so much sense because like if that happened to him he really wouldn’t be able to date again hell that did not happen to him and he’s already barely able to date bc of how afraid he is of getting hurt
but coop’s out here like henry it’s not you like i promise she really likes you i mean you’re a good man and you’re brave and you’re passionate and like you’re hot, obviously and coop theoretically starts complimenting henry from paige’s point of view but then it very clearly starts to dissolve into coop’s pov and we’re still riding that chemical high of the In Your Element passion henry has for coop added onto the good person bonus of yes i’ll continue to help you with this endeavor for literally no benefit and now he’s just rattling off compliments to henry and henry’s just like oh jeez 😳😳🥰
and there’s just like. the briefest moment of henry’s eyes darting down to coop’s lips and coop’s daze is kinda broken and he realizes that he’s just been telling henry how foioine he is to his face and there’s a moment spellbound lookin into each others eyes like damn this is kinda gay & then they’re making out
and then henry’s like ohhh my god what am i doing what have i done oh know because you’re paige’s friend you like paige and i kissed her earlier today and now i’m oh my god this is a bad idea right? this is a bad idea?
and coop’s thinking on it because like okay he has been trying to pair paige and henry together a) because they’d be cute together and she clearly likes him but also b) because he really likes her and he can’t be with her bc he’s a cupid so at least if she’s with someone else who she loves he can be happy knowing she’s happy. but now he’s here with henry and he shouldn’t be because Again he’s trying to pair paige with henry and he can’t be with henry bc as previously stated cupids can’t actually have relationships but he shouldn’t even be thinking that because henry isn’t for him but even if he was which he isn’t it wouldn’t work because he’s a cupid so um. yeah. this is a bad idea
yeah
yeah
no they’re makin out again.
anyways. l8r at p3 someone else who owns a local business sees the art on the wall outside and is like yo who did that because i would totally pay them to do idk my food truck or something and piper’s like i’ll tell u exactly who did that
so idk i think legally since speed’s a minor and a parolee henry has to be involved in the job getting process actually wait speed just turned 18. idk what any of this means but we’ll say henry needs to be there so piper gave paige the food truck guys digits and paige passes on the news to speed and henry and like. paige shows up at henry’s office to be like good news!!
and to level with you henry thought that like. after making out with coop maybe his feeling for paige would dissipate like maybe he was secretly gay this whole time and paige was just a safe route to project those feeling but paige comes in with this smile that puts the goddamn stars to shame and henry’s like nope!! still in love with her!!
and paige is like okay because like this is all set you know like this could even lead to a career in art for speed like and henry’s like yes absolutely but now that the initial glow of that has worn off they’re both kinda remembering that the last time they saw each other they kissed and then paige bolted so yeah they should probably address that
and paige is like look i want to apologize for just kind of. running out the other day. that really wasn’t. it wasn’t right and i know this sounds dumb but it really wasn’t about you i’m just i’ve been in this weird place and i do like you henry like i really do so i don’t want you to think
and henry’s like i feel like i kind of apologize too because i kinda made out with your friend and paige pauses because like she really has no friends well i guess besides coop but like there’s and henry tacks on coop to clarify and paige just snorts laughing
like she has no idea why that’s so funny but it just kinda is like. what!!
and henry’s like yeah but it was like. it’s. he really likes you paige he really does care for you i mean i really care for you too and henry’s kind of playing both sides here because he does like. really like paige. and that’s why he wants her to be happy and it’s her choice who she feels who she’d be most happy with whether that’s hm or coop because honestly coop is p amazing henry wouldn’t be burnt losing to him because coop is a great guy and paige is just watching him ramble smiling and henry realizes he doesn’t know what he’s saying anymore so he just kind of trails off and gets kind of lost in paige’s smile because like. wow : )
and paige is just kind of there processing that information because um wow who could have seen this coming and honestly she’s still not over coop kissing henry that’s just so unbelievable entertaining to her she’s so gonna hafta prod coop about it later because dude what?? what? bro. bro. bro. like. like the two guys she’s in love with kissed like bro what!!!! lmao she would pay money to see that how tf did that happen. she would have loved to have been there. that’s insane. she really wished she was there. like. really wished she was there. hmm. should she stew on that a little more?
and henry’s like. this is awkward. i’m sorry. i don’t want things to be weird between us. and paige is like henry i think things have been weird between us since i first picked an argument with you in an alleyway. and henry’s like true!! and they’re laughing and there’s a beat and henry’s like i think i fell in love with you in that moment. and paige is like yeah?
and henry’s just. i mean like. look at her <3 but like. she deserves. like she deserves the best there is and he’s just some guy like some jaded hardass who lives in a crappy apartment and who always forgets how to do the right thing it seems not to mention all his fucking baggage like. she deserves better.
and paige sees him kinda retreat and like she kind of pulls out of the moment too because she loves henry she does but like that fear that he’s gonna die is still there and she wants to fight it she just doesn’t know if she can but like. she really really does like him.
and now they’re both standing there again another moment turned to dust in the wind now they’re just two people standing there incredibly normal about it yep just two people nope paige is kissing henry ope okay yep they’re making out and boom someone’s knocking on henry’s office door o quick act natural because hi henry heard you needed like the legal paperwork because speed’s getting a job here you go and henry’s like 👍 thank you very obviously flushed and his coworker is like. what the fuck is going on in that office. but like. doesn’t really care enough to find the answer to that question.
so paige is like you should come to p3 l8r tonight to like celebrate speed getting a job blah blah blah blah and henry’s like i will be there
so later paige is getting dolled up in a fire outfit just adding the final touches when coop shows up bc phoebe said you needed to see me? (with phoebe’s strategy fully being in mind that paige looks hella fly right now but also is still in the manor an area paige and coop have kind of curated as their space also like once she goes to p3 it’s simply too loud too crowded to have a heart to heart like what is about to happen here which she would listen all unfold but piper unfortunately dragged her away to help with the boys but i’m sure it’s all going well)
and paige is like ....nope. and coop’s like ah. well. you look great. going to see henry? which he asks that question like he’s walking on very thin ice and paige is like yeah and i gotta say i can’t believe you kissed henry before you ever kissed me and coop just laughs like well!!
and paige is laughing too but there’s this undercurrent of you still haven’t kissed me :/ and coop’s like i take it henry told you and paige is like yep. and then made a very convincing campaign in your favor on how you’re evidently in love with me and you’re probably my better option, he loves me, too, but just can’t seem to hold a candle to you
and coop’s laughing and he’s like that sounds like something henry’d say, he’s really. he’s got a lot of love he just doesn’t seem to think he’s worth it.
and paige is like you think he’s worth it though
and coop’s like i do. you think he’s worth it too. and paige is like i do.
and there’s a moment of stillness because what the fuck are any of them doing and paige is like we can’t keep doing this. and coop’s like gonna hafta be a bit more specific there because i think i’ve broken more rules than i can count in the past 24 hours. and paige is wanna make that one more and coop’s like !? and then paige kisses him and coop’s like okay now’s the time where i would really love some clarification
and paige is like. well. i had to kiss you, right? and coop’s like sure? and paige is like because i’ve wanted to for the longest time because i keep pretending like i’m not in love with you because well you know you know me better than almost anyone else but like. i also love henry. and so i had to kiss you. as a test.
and coop’s like ...did i pass?
and paige is like that wasn’t the test and coop’s like what was and paige is like i don’t know. to see where my love is. to see if i love you or if i love henry or if it’s all just infatuation and relfections distorting how i feel and coop’s like okay. so... what’s the answer?
and paige is like i love henry. but then she kisses coop again and is like but i think i love you, too. and they’re doing that thing where they lack bubble space when they talk i mean paige’s head is basically on his chest and coop’s hands are on her waist and coop’s like okay. so where do you want to go from here.
because he’s a cupid you know his top priority is love in its purest form so if like paige’s love for henry like outweighs her love for him he will pretend not to be crushed and move on like he will. he’s saying he’ll do anything in the name of love but really he’ll just do anything for paige.
and paige is like i think you should kiss henry again and coop laughs and he’s like don’t joke about that because complete candor i totally would he is... amazing
and paige is like yeah, i know, and i’m not joking and it kind of clicks for coop like !! polyromanticism!!
anyways. paige And coop go to p3 and henry’s there and sees paige And coop and he’s like uh oh oh no because if paige chose coop like he’s happy for them he really is except he’s also kind of not because then he kind of loses paige And coop and um. that’s kind of a two hit KO. but wait!! that is not the case! what’s this??
anyways. quirky hijinks of sorts when phoebe sees that paige came home with henry and she’s like damn. my plan failed. and the next morning piper’s like i see ur plan worked and phoebe’s like yeah no need to rub it in and piper’s like ??? dude paige totally hooked up with coop last night and phoebe’s like no?? that was the other guy that was henry
and piper’s like that was definitely coop?? and phoebe’s like piper not every tall man with dark hair looks the same and piper’s like no shit do you think i don’t know what coop looks like he practically lives here and phoebe’s like yeah that’s how i know the guy paige brought home w her was Not Coop and piper’s like do you need new glasses and phoebe’s like shut up i’m right and piper’s like no ur not!!
and later that day they’re like. all brewing a potion in the attic and like while we have you here...... did you hook up with henry or coop last night and phoebe’s like because piper thought it was coop when i very clearly saw henry and piper’s like yeah phoebe hasn’t been sleeping well lately i think she’s started seeing things so go ahead prove me right and paige is just laughing like okay so i guess i gotta introduce u guys to my 2 boyfriends
#it's bi4bi4bi#this was really fun tho i never would have thot of this but this is fun#charmed#paige x coop x henry#💌#margaretsminiessays#more like margarets major fuckin essays tho#there's. there's a lot here. but it needs to be said!!
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How to Survive Being Reborn Into an RPG, Chapter 1
CHAPTER 1
How to Deal With a Blue Slime
In a spacious backyard, many children were playing; Most in groups, others alone. All were under the watchful and caring eyes of the Priestess who ran the orphanage. Near a large stump, in a corner hidden away from the others, a pair of children were conversing. From a distance, it may have looked like they were playing with dolls.
"I... Don't really get what you're saying, Mayumi." Said the young, half-orc, boy. He scratched his head, bald save for a thick but short Mohawk of wavy black hair, in consternation. "That sounds like a really weird dream." He had a simple face, but it was open and honest. His skin was a light green complexion.
The girl beside him sighed heavily. "Grom. Are you even paying attention to what I'm saying?" She asked, leveling a glare at him. Her red hair was bright in the midday sun, long and flowing like a gentle flame. Her green eyes held far less excitement and emotion, and far more wisdom and experience, than there should be in a child's eyes.
"This wasn't a dream you dolt. I'm telling you this happened. Like, in reality."
Grom scratched his chin. "Run it by me again?"
Another heavy sigh from Mayumi. She picked up the makeshift doll made of straw and twine once more. "Fine. Like I said; this isn't my original body. Back in the other world-"
"Like, across the sea?"
"No! Uhg... It's a different reality. I guess... I think. Anyways, it definitely wasn't on the same planet as this world. Also, stop interrupting. So, back in the other world I was a boy. In fact, I was a 26 year old man."
"But you're a girl. We bathe together so I know!"
"Stop interrupting." Mayumi grabbed the doll and moved it around a little. "Back in the other world, I was a 26 year old man. There was technology, and computers, and all kinds of awesome stuff. Personally, I liked my life. I pretty much lived at home, by myself. I worked from home, and had everything delivered. I never even had to go outside. Haaa... it was great... Hey!" She snapped her fingers in front of Grom's face, who had clearly started to check out if the glazed look in his eyes was any indication. "Pay attention, damn it! Geeze, you're dense!"
"Hahaha! Yeah, I am, aren't I?" He chuckled.
Another glare. "I wasn't praising you, dummy... Anyways... Even though it was pretty awesome in it's own way, I was still kinda depressed, you know? I was lonely. I didn't have any friends to rely on."
"You got me though! I'm your best friend, right Mayumi?"
For the first time, she smiled. It was subtle and small, but it was genuine. "Yeah, dum dum, you are." She poked his forehead. "Stop. Interrupting." She picked up the doll again and made it walk. "So, one day, I decided to go for a walk for once; To clear my mind. While I wandered, I eventually found myself at the top of a really tall building." Here she put the doll atop the stump. "I guess they were doing construction or something because the guard rail that's normally around the edge of most buildings that tall wasn't all there. I went to the edge, mostly out of curiosity. I hadn't looked off the edge of a building or cliff since I was a kid." She moved the doll on top of the stump, near the edge. "Well... I guess I had been way more depressed than I realized... because while I was up there I kept thinking about how easy it would be to just... let go and jump."
She looked up and saw Grom making a face at her. "Hey, hey, don't gimme that look... I'm not gonna do anything stupid like that, okay?"
"...Promise?"
Sigh. "Yes. I swear. And even then, when I was thinking those things, it just made me angry at myself. I swore that I was gonna start over and make a better life for myself." Mayumi puffed her chest out a bit, proudly. Then she looked sheepish. "But... I guess a really strong wind kicked up... It, ah... blew me right over the edge."
"And then?"
She made the doll fall slowly to the ground. "And then... I died, I guess... I remember falling, and the ground coming up at me really fast... and then... the next thing I knew, I was a baby in this world."
There was a long silence as Grom took it all in. Then he looked up at her.
"I, uh... still don't really understand it all though... I mean... Couldn't that all have been a dream or something?"
Mayumi shrugged. "I guess it's possible... but I have such vivid memories, and... if it were a dream, how would I know all the things I know about this world? I mean... This reality is basically an Role Playing Game."
"I don't... know what that is?
"Yeah... I know... but... look!" She held her fist out in front of her, then spread out her fingers. Instantly, a flat, transparent window appeared in front of her. "This! This is a status window! How do you explain this?!"
Grom looked at her like she was crazy. "Everyone can do that, though. It's just natural. Sister Lana says the gods gave us the ability to see within ourselves. It's called the 'Reflection'."
"Yeah, I know what it's called, but seriously. It's JUST like a status window in an RPG. It shows you your health, stamina, magic reserves, equipment, items... Everything! Hell, in this world, people can literally gain experience points and increase their attributes and abilities! We can select items we're carrying or equipment we're wearing and equip or un-equip them instantly! How does that make sense to you?!"
"I'm telling you, that's just normal!" Grom huffed.
"And I'm telling you it's not!" Mayumi glared.
The two friends sat there, glaring defiantly at each other for a moment. Mayumi narrowed her eyes and seemed about to say something when she noticed Grom's eyes widening and wandering to just over her shoulder. She started to turn to see what was behind her, but her friend tackled her to the ground just before a thin, gelatinous blue tendril shot past her face.
The two children scrambled to their feet and backed away quickly from their surprise assailant, Grom dragging Mayumi to safety. When they moved away a good distance, Grom positioned himself between Mayumi and their attacker. From behind, she poked her head around for a better view.
What greeted her was a blue, opalescent, translucent blob vaguely oval in shape. It was roughly half their size and, now that they had backed away, wasn't making any overt movements towards them.
"What's a Blue Slime doing this far past the Wall?"
Grom looked over his shoulder. "Mayu, get back! I'll protect you!"
She gave him a flat look. "Look, I appreciate you getting me out of the way and all. Seriously, that was cool. But the Blue Slime is an ambush predator. Now that we're aware of it, it's not particularly dangerous." She stepped out from behind him and furrowed her brows as she scrutinized the slime.
Grom grabbed her arm. "Then... we should go get Sister Lana, right? She can take care of it... Or she can get a guard from the Wall."
She shook her head, not taking her eyes off the slime. "We're about as far away from the Wall as we can get. It would take forever. And Sister Lana's a Priestess; she uses healing magic, so she wouldn't have any affect on it."
Grom snatched up a nearby rock with a grunt. "Then... I'll just smash the thing!"
"Wait, Grom! Don't do tha-!"
With a grunt, the boy hurled the rock at the slime. It hit it's mark dead on, and seemed to splatter the thing. "Ha! That wasn't so hard! I bet I could be a guard at the Wall!"
His celebration was short lived, however, as the slime began to reform quickly. As soon as it did, it began moving towards him.
"All slimes are basically immune to physical attacks, doofus! I tried to tell you that was gonna be useless..."
"Bu... but why is it coming towards us now?" he stammered, backing up while still trying to keep Mayumi behind him.
"Cause you're sweating."
The comment made him take his eyes off the slime to give her an look of incredulousness. "Cause what?!"
"Slimes all hunt using different methods. Blue Slimes hunt by sensing bodily fluids coming from their prey. That's how they hone in. Now... how do we take this thing down..."
Grom looked back at the slime, and twisted up his face in thought. Then he smiled and started snorting like he was trying to clear something out of the back of his throat.
"Ew. Grom. Cut that out, I'm trying to thin-"
Suddenly Grom spat out a thick mouthful of mucus off to the side. He was quite proud of the distance.
"Gross! What's with y-..."
Mayumi grew silent as she watched the slime change directions towards where Grom's unhygienic projectile had landed.
"Hey... that was really smart! It's attracted to your... well... yeah... Anyways! That gives me a great idea! Grom, keep it distracted, okay?"
He nodded enthusiastically, happy to get praised by Mayumi, and began leading it around by spitting on the ground.
Meanwhile, Mayumi opened her status window again. "Ever since I began learning how this world worked, I've been pouring every last experience point I could scrounge up into my Magic Stat..." She mumbled to herself. "Granted, it's barely been anything; being an orphan and a child doesn't really present a lot of opportunities for monster hunting. But even rats and spiders give XP. So! Let's see if I can pull this off!"
Grom looked at her with concern. "Sister Lana said your not supposed to use that, Mayu! It's dangerous!"
"Just keep spitting! I'll be careful!" She opened up her list of Spells. Of course, she only knew one at the moment, and it was barely a spell at all. More like a trick to light candles and fireplaces. "But... If I pour a whole bunch of Mana into it... I might be able to get a nice effect." She looked up to see Grom struggling to work up any spit. "Okay. Enough talking. Lets bag some XP!"
She selected her "spell" and aimed it at the slime. "Gentle flame, guiding light. SPARK!"
With just the tiniest amount of mana, Spark could light a candle or other such item. But Mayumi poured every last bit of her miniscule mana reserve into it, creating a much bigger flame that swept across the body of the slime. The slime burst again, but this time quickly dried up and withered into nothingness.
SLIME DEFEATED! GROM AND MAYUMI GAIN 10 EXPERIENCE POINTS!
Both children saw the words pop up on their status windows and smiled.
MAYUMI HAS GAINED A LEVEL! LEVEL 2 APPRENTICE REACHED!
"Hmm... So I guess it's true that a kid doesn't get to choose their class levels, huh?" Mayumi frowned. Then she suddenly slumped to the ground as a wave of exhaustion came over her. Grom ran to her and helped her up.
"Are you okay...?"
"Ah... yeah... I forgot about Mana Drain. But I had to use it all up or I couldn't be sure to take it out. I'll be fine after I rest. Thanks Grom."
"Of course! I'll always be there to help you out!"
This made her smile again as she put an arm around his shoulder to stabilize herself. "Apprentice... I've heard that when kids grow up, they can retrain weaker class levels into stronger ones. If that's the case, I'm already on my way to becoming a mage. Just like I wanted, heh."
"Hey, Mayumi? How'd you know your Spark would kill it?"
"Oh. Well Blue Slimes need a lot of moisture to survive. Fire dehydrates slimes like no one's business."
"You sure know a lot about monsters, Mayu."
"Well, I've been reading up on all kinds of creatures ever since we got those books donated to the orphanage. Plus, I do have all of my knowledge about games from my previous life. It helps."
At about that time, the Priestess he children knew as Sister Lana came around the corner. "There you two are!" she exclaimed in a mildly reproaching tone. She daintily lifted her dress enough to walk quickly. "I've been looking all over for you two! Come inside, quickly. We just got word that a couple of small monsters may have slipped past the Wall and made their way into the village. It isn't safe for children right now." The kind young woman tilted her head. "Why on earth are you two grinning at each other like that? And Mayumi! You look exhausted! You've been playing around with your magic again, haven't you! Oh, you two are just..." She sighed the heavy sigh of one who deals with troublesome children on a daily basis.
She bent down and lifted Mayumi into her arms. "We'll talk about that later. For now, come in. Grom, get in the bath with Mayumi and watch over her will you? That's a good boy. Mayumi, after you get clean you're to have supper and then it's straight to bed for you."
"But I-!"
"No buts! I recognize Mana Drain when I see it, missy! Bath, supper, bed." She said the last word in a tone that brooked no argument, while lovingly brushing a stray hair from the girl's face.
Sister Lana carried the girl into the orphanage with Grom close on her heels. The two children looked at each other ruefully.
'If I had to be reborn into a strange new world...' thought Mayumi, 'I could have done a lot worse.'
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Gaining a crew
Welcome to part two (2) of 'lost at sea' sanders sides mermaid/pirste au!
A thanks to the lovely @thelazyblueshipper who drew the drawings that inspired thus lovely work!
Part one: https://sockpansy.tumblr.com/post/179000941959/lost-at-sea
Warning: kidnap mentioning, blood, mentions of drinking, let me know if there sre any others
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"We need more crew members."
Logan had been the one to say it, but the other three had been thinking it as well.
"Logan's right. You guys got lucky with me, but not everyone will fall for the ghost ship, and we can't fight like them." Virgil pipped in.
Roman nods and was getting excited." A crew of mermaids being pirates! Of daring adventurers who face danger in order to save others! But who would join..."
"I could ask emile!" Patton bounced up and down happily. Emile Picani was Patton's older brother, and they got along greatly.
"He likes to study shipwrecks a lot, so im sure he could help us with fixing the ship up better, oh i mean 'The Siren.' "He giggled at the name they gave their ship.
That lead to now. Patton was swimming down to an old shipwreck. 'The duchmen' or something like that. He swam down and into a rotten hole in the side. "Emile?" He called out.
A pink head much like his own blue one popped out smiling."do you how do?" He swam over.
Patton gently lowered himself onto an old bench before asking, 'how would you like to join a pirate crew?"
Emile gasped, his eyes widening. "Patton, you know what pirates do to mermaids, joining a crew is dangerous!"
Patton wiggled hia tail playfully. 'Not if the entire crew is mermaids. Roman, Logan and I fixed up a boat to save Virgil, and it worked! Now we have decided to save more who are captured! You love boats a lot, and yeah our boat floats but we don't know as much as you do about them...and it is safer to have more people in our crew..."
Emile had started to wiggle his tail excitedly, the idea of actually working on a ship that was above water? It excited him.
"Oh it sounds like so much fun! I would love to join your crew!"
And with that, patton lead Emile to their ship, that perked on the island Roman found it on. Emile got to work with improving the boat, checking over jobs they did, and making suggestions.
"What if we had a hole in the bottom?"
"Then it would sink...Emile no offence but i thought you were smarter than that." Logan said gently.
Emile gave him a smirk."well yes it would, but i mean a hole that doesnt let water in, but that we can use to go in and out easier. It could add more to the 'ghost' idea as Well. Disappear inside the boat to appear on theirs."
Roman jumped in."perfect idea! Lets do it!"
Logan rolled his eyes. "Roman, it sounds good in theory, but to make it work will be a lot of trouble and toil, mostly trail and error. Plus, it wouls need to keep the water out when it is storming as well."
Virgil pat logan on the back, giving him a smile. "And with brains like you're I'm sure that we will have almost no errors. You are smart and think things out, plus Emile knows boats better than any of us."
Logan seemed in thought and glanced over to Emile, who was trying on glasses until he found some he could see out of.
"Well then....lets give it a try."
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"So i said, at least buy me a drink before you try me for treason!" The bar of pirates laughed as Remy sipped his drink, finishing his story.
Remy went from town to town, staying as long as he wants, and leaving when he pleases, with nothing holding him back. He existed everywhere but yet no one had a record of him. No one knew how he traveled to so many places so quickly when he was never seen on a ship, yet could cross oceans and reach places before ships that leave a week before he does.
Honestly, it is a plus side to being a secret mermaid.
But remy knows that if he is caught, the only swimming he will do will be with the fishes.
So Remy takes a human form a lot, he goes to bars, tells stories (some are made up, some aren't, you can't prove anything) and drinks without ever actually paying for himself. He hides that he is a mermaid, but that doesnt mean he won't have fun!
Remy laughs at something when a pirate runs into the bar.
"I have a story to tell all of ye!"
Remy grinned as he sipped his drink. This was always fun. The stories never made since, and it gived Remy material to work with for stories later.
"Now I be helpin' to sail a ship through a storm, when we sees a small ship barely afloat! Nothin' out of the blue, but then, I be hearing calls for help. I help this wee lad out of the water and onto the ship, claims to be crew, and I believed him. Now i know i shouldn't have. So this boat is passing by, and I be thinkin' there is no one there! Then i see them, two pirates, a captain and what i assume be his first mate, they stare at us, as if challengin' us in the middle of a storm. We be strugglin' to keep the boat steady and watch this ship, and they hair stare. They only be two but they act like they not even tryin' to sail in this here storm! We pass them and get out of the storm, when i be going to check the cargo, and find a mermaid missin' then I can't find the pirate while fell overboard, we be thinkin' we csme across a ghost ship."
Remy sipped his drink as he watched the man walk around and explain his story. He began to put the pieces together and felt a smile growing on his face.
"Say, where did you see this ship?"
______
"Oh my god, Dee!" Remy ran along the beach to a short guy with an eye patch on. He looked up at the taller unamused and holding a sea urchin.
Remy slid over in the sand and grinned. "I think that some mermaids decided to become pirates,"
Dee stared at Remy before asking, "are you drunk agian? I,girl you, stick to teas or something."
Remy rolled his eyes, "no, i am not. Look, someone saw a ship with two people on it. They helped a pirate onto the boat and by the time they soft the storm, the pirate and a mermaid was missing! Lets just check it out, please Dee?" Remy asked.
"Whats in it for me?" Dee grinned as he started to pull spines out of the sea urchin.
"First off, stop being cruel to the thing-"
"No"
"Fair enough, second, I am sure they have races....wouldn't it be fun...beating an entire ship of mermaids in a race?" Remy wiggled his eyebrows.
Dee pulled out another spine. "Flattery gets you everywhere, lets go."
______
Dee made a trill noise and sighed, "Remy, this way!"
Remy has...horrible direction. If he tried to find the ship alone, he would fail. So dee was leading the way...kinda.
The pirate had told Remy which direction the ship had been in, but that was three weeks ago, so it could honestly be anywhere. Dee called agian as he swam through the water, "i think this is it!"
Remy swam over to dee and looked up at the boat above them. It was old alright, but in better condition that the old pirate had said. Remy swam around the bottom as he observed it. There was a hole near the back. He motioned Dee over to it.
The hole was flat, and it appeared as if no water got inside the bottom of then ship because of it. Why would a pirate ship float with a hole that didnt let water in? Why would a pirate ship need a way into the ocean?
For mermaids, of course.
Remy swam up and popped his head into the hole, looking about the bottom deck of the ship. Nothing much was down there, a bunch of old ropes and wood, and a pile of clothes. He motioned Dee to follow him as he climbed up and transformed into his human form.
Dee followed him up and looked around. "Looks like a shipwreck in here."he started to look through the pile of clothes. "Oooh, an eye patch!" Dee had lost his on the way over passing s coral reef, and was in need of s new one. Humans dont react well to different colored eyes, especially with the eyes glow from time to time. Dee tied the eyepatch on as remy threw clothing after clothing over his shoulder.
"Ew, gross, no, no way, oh maybe."
By the time they were done raiding the clothing pile, Remy had at least 10 pieces of jewelry on.
Now for the next part of the plan. Introduction.
______
Patton and Emile were making matching bracelets for everyone as logan and Virgil worked on the plan for the next boat raid and roman figured out how to steer a ship better.
Remy walked onto the deck like he owned it. "Wow, you guys need to really get some better clothes. Took me forever to pick an outfit!"
Virgil and Roman had their swords drawn, patton and Emile dropped their half finished bracelets, and Logan was observing the intruder.
"How did you get here." Virgil demanded.
"Oh, how you would." Remy grinned. "I swam."
Silence fell over the crew. Roman ran down from the wheel grinning. "Your a mermaid too!" He exclaimed.
Remy grinned."better believe it! Heard about a Ghost ship and a missing mermaid...thought you might need some help..."
Patton smiled. "Yes, more crew members are also good! Im Patton, this is my brother Emile, the captain there is Roman, the guy in purple who looks ready to kill you is Virgil, and the guy with glasses in front of him is Logan!"
Remy hummed as he looked around. "Cute bunch. Names Remy, the kid behind me-"
"-i am not a kid-"
"Is named Dee. He is a half siren. And short." Remy stretched as Dee walked out into the sunlight.
"So what do you guys even do?" Dee asked.
Logan said."we rescue captured mermaids...oe well, that is the plan atleast."
Emile smiled."I'm new to the crew, but im the one in charge of making sure the boat floats. Like the hidden hatch i added? It makes it easier for us to go in and out of the bait without worrying about the clothes or being caught by pirates."
Rsmy nods and leaned on the railing as Dee explored the ship. "Yeah, it was pretty cool, the bait does still need some work..what does everyone else do?"
Roman took over."well i am the captain! I am the one in charge here." He beemed with pride, "Logan is my first mate, he makes sure the plans will work ideally. Patton is our savor. He gets on the ships and frees the mermaids. Virgil is the one we saved first, but his job will be to sneak onto the boats and help Patton, or steal gold or other things from the pirates." He smiled." So really, the question is...what can you offer us?"
Remy laughed."I like your flare cap! And what can i offer?" He smirked, leaning forward. "A spy. I go into bars,and chat up pirates all the time! I can find out who has mermaids and where they plan to go and report back to you easily!"
Dee laughed."maybe if you had a good sense of direction!"
Remy nods."yeah but i can get people to trust me, if you were to go, you would get into a fight." He teased.
"So you are a spy while he is your escort?" Logan asked.
Dee scoffed."uh escuse you, i am more than that. Im the fastest swimmer around! Nothing says a pirate ship will just end up in a storm all the time, you need something for them to follow." Dee put his hands on his hips confidently. " i am part siren, luring pirates to their deaths is kinda my thing. I just gotta get them to chase me into a storm and you guys take care of the rest."
Virgil was silent. "What if you get caught?"
Dee greeted his silence with one of his own. "I was in a barrel before, i can handle being in one agian until you guys save me. " he took a breath and grinned getting cocky. "Besides, who says ill be caught?"
And so Remy and Dee joined the crew.
____
For a few months, eveeything worked out great. They all had matching bracelets thanks to the sunshine brothers, Remy and Dee would also find out information easily. After a while, Patton would board ships sooner. He would board at the docks, or as a 'ship wrecked sailor' trying to get to land. It got the pirates to trust him quicker and got him on the ship sooner. Emile painted the name of the ship onto it and ' The Siren. ' officially was set sail.
Virgil had gathered gold and jewels. He would knock barrels of drinking water off, and would take the food reserves from time to time. Once he stabbed someone who had grabbed Patton when he tried to jump over the railing, so he had a new job added to it. Dee was fast, like he promised, and could easily tempt ships to,follow him.
But then Remy heard about Thomas.
Remy ran onto the deck, with Dee close behind him (he swims fast, not run)
"They have a multi colored!" He announced out of breath.
Multi colored meant that the tail of the mermaid was more than one color. They were extremely rare. Having just two colors together was surprising and often times, these types of,mermaids where higher value to pirates.
"They won't keep them with the others." Virgil said."pat, you will have to-"
"Let me finish!" Remy called over Virgil. He took a breath.
"They are a rainbow tail."
The silence was deafening. Having two colors was rare and surprising, but six different colors? That would be like finding a four leaf clover at 11:11 on the luckest day of the year, on your birthday. Nearly impossible.
And extremely valuable.
"They wont leave them by themselves...and,no where near any kind of water..." Emile stated.
"Then we sink the ship."
All eyes turned to Logan. They never sunk a ship before, only boarded.
"Think for a second, we still have a small crew, on a small ship, and we have barely any kind of actual training with swords. A rainbow tailed mermaid will be guarded, and inside, and even if we could get to them, they will be locked up...if we sink the ship, we could get them free easier..."
"But how do we sink a pirate ship?" Virgil asked in disbelief. "They have ships so much bigger than ours! We don't even know if our canons even work, and if they did, they wont be enough to sink it."
"They we take it apart from under it." Emile,spoke up. This time, all eyes fell to emile surprised.
He smiled."I know boats, i can figure out which boards to remove to sink it...logan can help me with removing them. He is smart, and I dont know what tools to use to remove boards, just to put them on."
And with a few more ideas and making sure the plan cant go,wrong, they were ready.
_____
Dee had to get this ship to follow him. Rumors had began to spread about their ship, and about missing mermaids. Whether or not they believe in those rumors didn't matter, no one would risk loosing something like a multi colored. So Dee had to pull out all the stops this time.
He swam up quickly towards the surface, break through the water and into the air.
He flew up a little ways from his speed, and grabbed hold of the bowsprit. He pulled himself up and gained the attention of some pirates. He sat on it, ready to jump in and swim.
"Captain, a mermaid be sittin' on our ship!" A pirate called.
Dee gasped."mermaid?,no way! I am part siren!" He had his yellow eye glow.
The captain came out of his quarters. "Half siren eh? Sirens be tricky to catch, and worth a lot of treasure...a half siren be easier to nab...grab 'em!" He ordered.
Dee jumped into the water below and began to swim to a storm a ways away. The boat turned to,follow him. He swam quickly, staying at the surface and keep the attention on him.
The ship followed him, althought he did have to get their attention by letting them get close at times. The storm was heading to the ship, and even if they changed direction now, they would be caught. Dee swam down deep and to the ship to get ready to ghost.
_____
"Ok, everyone ready?" Roman stated, going over the rolls agian. "Emile and Logan will work to break the underside of the boat, Patton will distract the crew while Virgil boards to see if he can find the rainbow. Remy, dee and i stay here and play the ghosts, keeping the ship distracted." The others nodded.
Roman looked at them all and said."be safe ok? And if something happens, get to safety first Alright?" He gave them all a look of worry, this was his crew. He didnt knwo what he would do if something happened to any of them.
They all gave a nod
_____
Roman stood at the end of the bowspirt with his sword drawn at his side, just....staring at the ship in the storm. A few pirates were watching him confused, some looked scared even, good.
Off to the back, roman could see Patton freeing a few normal mermaids into the ocean, some looked like they decided to help logan and Emile under the ship.
That was taking some time. Of course it would, ships were made to last and not fell apart easily. That didnt mean roman wasnt worried. The longer they were down there, the longer they had to be caught.
Movement of something purple caught roman's eye as he saw Virgil climbing the back of the ship and crawl through a window into tge captain's quarters. He hoped Virgil would be ok.
Virgil on the other hand, was focused. He slid down behind a bookshelf (pirates read? Wait no, it was covered in treasure) and watched as the captain yelled at a crew member.
"I aint be leavin' this here rainbow tail! It be worth a lot on dry land, now ye be going out to keep yar ship strudy! Go! Off with ya!" He shouted.
"But captain, the ship outside has-"
"I know what ye think it has! Let me yell yar this now, I dont be caring if there be a ghost ship or nah, we be sailin' to shore!"
Virgil looked around the room as the captain continued. He saw a crate with a lock on it. That must be the rainbow tailed. But it was across the room and, as mentioned before, locked.
Virgil watched things roll around and shift as the boat was thrown by the waves, then he noticed that everything started to mostly roll one way. He assumed that mean-
"Captain! We be sinking!" The door flew open as a pirate ran in in a panic.
"What?! what do ye mean we be sinking?" And the captain stormed out of the room as the ship was tilting more. The door slammed closed and virgil was alone in the room.
He grabbed a random trinket from the book shelf and went over to the crate with the rainbow tailed in it. He raised the trinket, which appeared to be a golden statue of some kind, and hit the lock. He hit it over and over agian until it finally came off.
Virgil opened the crate too only be splashed by water right away. He looked down at the sight before him.
There was a mermaid with a rainbow tail. Honestly it was an honor to even see one. The mermaid looked at Virgil with pleading eyes, ropes tied around him and his mouth gagged. Virgil knew the look in his eyes, he had the look himself back when he had been captured.
"Ever hear of ' the siren ' before?" Virgil asked as he removed the gag from his mouth and got to work untying him.
He shook his head no.
Virgil nods as he got one knot undone and worked on another, "figured you hadn't, we arent too popular yet. Ill explain it like this for you. There is another ship in this storm, it isn't sinking, go to it, it will be safe there," he smirked as he saw the confusing on the rainbow's face.
"Lets just say we dont have our sea legs." And with a wink, Virgil finished the last knot and helped the rainbow out. The ship was sinking faster now, which was no problem for them.
The problem was the door slamming open to a furious captain, who drew his sword.
"You best be puttin' that rainbow tailed back!"
Virgil held the mermaid princess style snd looked at the captain scared, what was he suppose to do? The back window was too high up now for virgil to go out that way, making the door the only place left, and the captain was blocking the way out. And he had a sword that was very pointy.
"Uh I.,i can't..do that...you see, im a ghost." Virgil nods, trying to Roman his way out of this mess. "Totally a ghost. From the ghost ship over there. So uh.,you can't kill me."
Virgil turns out to be very bad at Roman-ing a situation.
The captain laughed. "Ye be a ghost? There be no such thing! And if ye be a ghost, then ye won't bleed now, will ye?"
Virgil will bleed. Virgil does not want to bleed. Blood belongs on the inside and he would like to keep it there.
The ship was taking water in faster, and nearly vertical now, giving Virgil an idea.
Time to Roman this another way.
By being dramatic.
"Well if i wasn't a ghost..could I...do this?" And Virgil jumped up. The captain was holsing into the door to stay at the room and not fall down to the waters that had taken over his boat.
Because the boat was almost veritcal, when Virgil jumped, instead of landing on the wood of the boat, he fell towards the door the captain was at, feet first.
Virgil hit the captain with his feet, making him loose his grip on the door and fall into the raging waters. Virgil was still holding the rainbow when he landed in the water.
Virgil transformed, grabbing his clothes and quickly swimming towards the ship.
He grabbed the rainbow's hand as he swam.
______
By the time Virgil got the rainbow on the ship, the entire crew had ran down to meet them.
"You did it!"
"We saw the captain go in-"
"Wow a real rainbow tail."
"Did you get hurt?"
Everything meshed together as Virgil smiled at everyone. Patton and Emile were helping the rainbow tail get adjusted, logan and Roman were helping virgil up, Remy was picking an outfit for the rainbow, and dee was stating st Virgil silently, which was weird.
"We did it." Virgil grinned. Everything was fine. They saved the rainbow and probably down other mermaids on the sinking ship.
"Your bleeding."
Everyone froze and they looked at Dee, who was pointing at virgil's leg.
As Virgil slowly looked down, he saw a gash in his leg going from the side of his foot up to his hip.
He remembered when he kicked the captain, and how he had his sword drawn when he did.
He remembered it cutting his leg.
And now he felt it.
Virgil collapsed as the pain finally hit him. He could hear yelling and feel arms and hands on him, he thinks he heard someone say 'its okay', but he wasn't sure.
And he passed out.
____
When virgil work up, his leg was wrapped and Patton was leaning over him. He turned and yelled,
"He's awake!"
Virgil sat up and stretched as the crew ran over.
Emile took over first. "Nothing is broken, but until it is healed, i would suggest staying in human form for a while ok? It will heal faster since this is the body you were injured with."
Virgil nods a bit, slowly making sense of everything.
He saved the rainbow, got cut in the elf, swam to the bait, got on, found out he was bleeding, passed out from shock of blood and suddenly knowing of pain, work up. Yep, sounds about right.
"Where is the rainbow?" Virgil looked around, until a familar face smiled at him.
"Hi, name is Thomas," the rainbow smiled and held out his hand. Virgil noticed he had a rainbow friendship bracelet on, which had ended up beconing the Mark of the crew. Virgil couldn't help but smiked as he took his hand.
"Virgil, and welcome aboard."
_____
Every tale has two sides, and so does every legend.
The legend on land was known by pirates. Of a ghost ship that only appears in storms and a crew that will take your mermaids. The legend is a warning.
The legend of the see was known by the mermaids themselves, of a ship filled with pirates. Pirates who were mermaids, who sink ships and free those who were caught, promising them safety above the water, the legend is a promise, a promise of protection.
And every legend holds truth.
_________
And done! Hope you all wnjoy and wilk stick sround for the next part!
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things that make me think i might have an eating disorder:
1. i feel accomplished when i don’t eat
2. I remember telling a friend in high school that i liked the feeling i got when i didn’t eat for awhile
3. i can easily? go over 24 hours without eating and it makes me anxious to break that fast
4. if i don’t eat vegan, i want to die. like i feel like the worst thing i can do is break my veganism and eat dairy/egg. i feel like i have no self worth if i’m not actively losing weight
5. i’ve gained .2 pounds before and immediately my entire day has been ruined and all self worth has disintegrated
6. in college, i think i compulsively exercised. now, i don’t think a workout counts if it isn’t at least 3 hours. i’ve worked out with injuries and have left the gym barely able to walk only to work out more and work out the next day. if i can’t do any part of my workout, i don’t think it’s counted-- like there was a time one machine was full the entire time i was at the gym and ny whole 3 hour workout might as well have been for nothing because i couldn’t do this one exercise
7. restriction started innocently enough. i wanted to try veganism and it morphed-- i’ve cut all added sugar, i’ve looked into being a keto vegan and a fruitarian. i want to keep cutting out food groups until i’m as healthy as can be. no food is healthy enough these days it seems
8. i have tics-- i can’t eat before i work out. i have to drink 48oz of water before i can eat, i can’t eat in the morning, one ingredient or item can ruin my entire day of eating.
9. it’s gotten to the point that more than one meal a day makes me anxious and i literally don’t think i understand hunger or hunger cues? I’ll catch myself feeling hungry after 12 or 14 or 16 hours and i don’t understand why because i just ate? i’ve already eaten today? i think it’s just because i’m overweight that i feel hunger more than once a day like i’m so gross other people don’t need to eat that much
10. googling do i have an ed quizzes
11. i forget but i literally take a diet pill every day and have since 2013. i lowkey use them as a laxatives
12. i compulsively weigh myself-- like i can weigh myself 10 times a day every day
13. reading the symptoms of orthorexia highkey fucked me up
14. i think about food all the time. i can spend hours thinking about food and what i’ll eat. i watch so many food videos, almost always with things i can’t eat (nonvegan cooking, etc)
15. i hate my body so much. i will see my reflection and casually think “ew gross” on autopilot. i’ve literally recoiled from my reflection because i’m so disgusted with myself. i can see a difference in my body with one bad day or if i skip a workout. it’s so obvious.
16. I’ve sat in the bathroom over the toilet debating with myself on taking that final step several times. i’ve gone as far as gagging but i’ve never actually thrown up after a meal.
17. i’ve brought my own food to restaurants because i couldn’t eat anything there or couldn’t be sure of what exactly was in it
18. one time in college we went out and i ate chipotle and had a lot of alcohol that night-- i went too hard and threw up/passed out and when i woke up i wondered if the calories still counted or how many calories i’d ended up saving by puking my guts up while blackout drunk
19. i hate eating in front of people and eat very slowly-- people have commented on how slow i eat and i thought it was for a perfectly innocuous reason but apparently that’s a sign
20. that shit where i literally just stopped making food because i knew i would have to eat it when i’m done
21. i love cooking but once it’s done i don’t want to eat it.
22. a lot of the time I think about how i don’t deserve to eat-- i haven’t worked out enough or it isn’t late enough in the day or just as a human i don’t deserve to eat
23. if i did have an eating disorder, all i can think of is that i wish i could do it better; be better at it. I see a lot of people, understandably, come up in arms about whenever people say “oh i totally wish i was strong enough to have an eating disorder haha” but like i genuinely mean it. if i do have one, i feel like i’m half-assing it? like i should be seeing more results if i do right? i can’t imagine how strong people have to be who have one-- the dedication and consistency to their plan and not to give in. i really, when i stop and think about it, am envious of people who can do it better than me-- if i have an eating disorder at all.
but like i can also go off the rails and eat whatever and i’m still overweight and if i’m able to “be normal” does any of this other shit count?
#tw ed#i feel like i'm faking#like i'm going insane#nothing seems valid enough#i look at these and all i can think of is: but i'm still overweight and i still have days when i binge and eat#so much and all the unhealthy foods#and i have good periods and bad periods#if i'm not doing it 2/7 365 then i'm fine#i'm not sick enough#maybe i'm not sick at all and this is all normal actually
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Finding Kurt Hummel: Previously Unaired Christmas
Masterpost
5x08: Previously Unaired Christmas
Look - it’s no secret that I am not a fan of this episode. It still makes my stomach twist a little for reasons that I can’t entirely articulate (and I suspect are far more personal than any real issue the episode presents). I know people are split on either loving this episode or hating this episode - maybe doing this will help me figure out what’s really going on.
I, personally, have two issues with the whole thing. (The second one I’ll explain within the narrative of the episode.) The first is that it does kind of feel like an FU to pretty much everyone. I don’t necessarily think it’s to the fans explicitly (though the stuff with Kurt kinda feels like that), but in general, I’m guessing they were forced into a holiday episode that they didn’t really want to do by the network. Because more so, the nastiness towards Christmas feels like that.
I also have to wonder if Cory’s passing plays a small part. I mean - this is cracky Glee - it’s been cracky Glee for a while now. We just had an episode about puppets, twerking, and dressing up in bizarre Lady Gaga outfits. The show has been kind of off the rails for most of season 5, and this episode almost feels like the climax of that (after the break - things feel a little more...normal?)
Anyway - I don’t know exactly how we ended up here - but I kind of wish that Glee didn’t end it’s Christmas run on a, well, whatever this note is.
Oh! And one last thing. At this point - season six was not shortened. I wonder if they had another, more heartfelt, Christmas episode idea for their final one. Hmmm.
What If
We open with Jane Lynch talking about how this was a secret hidden away episode. And I’m bringing it up because this whole set up seemed to confuse everyone. No - this was most definitely not a lost episode, nor do I think it’s any more or less controversial than anything else they did on the show. (I do think the writers didn’t give a flying fuck - and were warning about that...)
However, this whole intro does seem to make things confusing. Yes - it’s set in season 4. Yes - I’ll bet they did, at some point, come up with the Rough Trade Santa thing the previous year, and just discarded it until now. However, shout out to @ckerouac for bringing up the point that -- if Glee wanted to go cracky, they could have gone so much further. I mean if you’re going to go AU - why not do something entirely wacky. They kind of did in Glee, Actually with Artie’s fantasy. So, I’m kind of in agreement. Why bring it back to season 4 (other than you have newbies you have to deal with). Why not shoot it into the future, or just switch everyone’s bodies again. Glee can go that extra mile, why not? Who knows.
Meanwhile - I need to state that this did not happen in the main timeline. It could have (sort of - there are so many continuity errors that it hurts my head). But it did not. This is completely AU. And really, I could skip it if I really wanted to. I’m going through it just the same because a) for completeness sake - it’d bother me if I didn’t, b) there are some interesting Kurt-meta points that I think are worth bringing up.
That long winded, probably unnecessary preamble aside - here we go.
Grandma Moses
So. We open on the New York side with Santana crashing at the loft, buying Kurt weird doll heads and tickets to Dildo island. (Are we being edgy yet - the writers ask? Just you wait ;)) Okay, so this scene kind of sets up what the whole New York act is supposed to be about. It seems they want to address two specific things about Kurt (that I have at least seen in criticisms, and I’m pretty sure the writers did, too) -- a) That he didn’t have enough of a “normal teenage reaction” to his break up with Blaine and b) that Kurt is an old grandma, desexualized gay.
Well. Glee being in its FU mode is going to rectify that - just not in the way that’s going to satisfy anyone (I shouldn’t generalize - I know there are people who love this episode, my regards).
And - in a FWIW thought, Kurt is an old grandma. He always has been. That’s just part of the make up of the character.
The point, however, of Santana’s little monologue of exposition here is to set the stage for what’s going to happen in the rest of the episode. It reminds me of the Tattooo Guy in The End of Twerk - telling Kurt that if he’s going to go nuts, he has to go all out.
[2 asides - 1. Santana is also getting rewritten break up stuff (I’m guessing in response to criticism), as they seem to retcon a ton about the Brittana break up. 2. This whole story seems to be a commentary about Kurt specifically, and not really about Blaine? Blaine seems to be fine this entire episode - though he’s barely shown because he’s off screen with some weird yule log obsession ;)]
Meanwhile - Rachel has gotten them all jobs as elves at the mall. Which - I suppose makes sense. Oh! And weirdly enough - there’s no discussion from Rachel about her own break up with Finn (which makes sense because of Cory), or about Brody, or Cassie, or any of the stuff that happened to Rachel in season 4. Weird, right? Nah, she’s just a backdrop to the Kurt and Santana stuff. I will say - Rachel saying that she’ll be the best Jewish Elf ever made me laugh.
Bad Santa
Ah, the one highlight of the episode - Chris Kurt in that elf costume. It was like he was born to play an elf. Lol
Anyway - they get to the mall, and Santa’s late, and drunk. (Not really here for bad santa - but his line about them in an ‘equity card’ mindset had me laughing.) So, of course Rachel takes charge and they try to calm the audience with Here Comes Santa Claus. It’s -- perfectly fine. In general, I find the music of the episode, with the exception of Love Child, somewhat uninspired. Oh, right, this is a musical show, we have to have music. Here’s a Christmas song.
Of course, at the end, the kids aren’t charmed - they throw crap at them. Yeah - we totally didn’t see this happen in season 2.
I have read some meta about how Kurt, Rachel, and Santana are stand-ins for the writers here -- that whatever they do, it’s gonna get crap thrown at them. (The thought is echoed at the end, too) Oh! I have lots of thoughts on this, but I should probably save it for another post, cause it’s not really about Kurt.
So -- the next day? Later that day? Santana goes and takes a bath...in the loft? I have no idea what the time line is. I haven’t watched the Lima side of this episode since it aired. Anyway, Kurt and Rachel call her up and beg her to help them. Santana gives another obligatory joke about Kurt being an old grandma - born to play Mrs. Claus. (Um, Santana - I think we’ve established that Kurt was born to be that Elf.)
Oh - this still says so much....
Santana arrives as Mrs. Claus and proceeds to be a bitch to little people under ten. Kurt and Rachel rightfully look horrified. Sorry. I don’t like this sequence. It’s mean spirited and awful. I don’t think it’s funny when adults are mean to innocent kids. Moving on...
And....then we have the arrival of “Sexy Santa” Cody. (Dude - this guy is totally skeevy to me -- who arrives at a mall without a shirt? But whatever) And the rest of this plot line gets played out like half baked smutty fanfiction.
I will say this -- I do think all of this is completely in character for Kurt. Remember Ricky Martin in season 3? This is essentially the same reaction from Kurt. Kurt finds lots of guys attractive -- and he is allowed to react to it. (And we’re in cracky mode - this is totally played up for laughs, in the same way it was when Ricky Martin guest starred.)
This is also not one of my issues with the episode.
Anyway - Cody wants to “get to know” his elves before he helps them. Ew. Kurt those abs are clouding your judgment, buddy.
That Godawful Chipmunk Song
Santana once again reminds Kurt that he’s a stick in the mud and convinces him to spike his own eggnog. And then Cody arrives. Again. Shirtless. **rolls eyes** And obviously scoping out the place so he can rob it. Maybe that’s part of the reason I can’t really get on board with Kurt hooking up with him. Cause it’s obvious that this guy is gross and going to be bad. Yuck.
Anyway, we all know what a light weight Kurt is - and within a few sips of cooking sherry and eggnog, he’s all flirty mcdrunk pants.
So - this whole Chipmunk thing - in bulletted form because my brain is currently working better that way...
I, personally, think this song is dumb. Sorry.
It creates this super weird adult/kid vibe between Cody and the loftmates, which I find uncomfortable.
Cody is obviously playing this all up because he’s going to rob them - which makes his actions later really awful.
Trashed Kurt with anyone else (especially Blaine, but anyone really) would have been hilarious in just about any other context.
Chris, obviously, had a lot of fun filming this - so I’ll let him have that.
The point where SO goes on her diatribe - so feel free to skip
Oh, where to start.
1. Cody is taking advantage of a incredibly drunk, barely legal teenager in order steal from him. I don’t think the writers put a whole lot of thought into it -- other than saying ‘hey, we can make Kurt a sexual creature’, but I do think it was kind of in bad taste.
2. I wasn’t personally offended by it - but there were a lot of people who were (especially when it gets to the being tied up, and Kurt telling Cody no), and a lot of people telling them to get over it because it was cracky glee. The whole hoopla over that in fandom has always left a bad taste in my mouth.
3. Gross Cody stuff aside, no I don’t think this is out of character for Kurt. Kurt’s in a bad place about breaking up with Blaine -- and after being pushed by Santana hard enough, having enough alcohol in him, and being presented with the opportunity, Kurt’s trying to get out of his shell a bit and enjoy himself. He’s perfectly right to do so, and I do think it makes sense that someone going through a hardship like a rough break up with a first love would try something new -- especially being a first time college student with no limitations.
4. What about “you matter” and baby penguin Kurt? Well - first of all, I don’t think Kurt has ever been a baby penguin, and I’m going to spend a lot of the second half of season 5 talking about Kurt being very much a sexual being. I also think that Kurt does and will always be particular about sex -- again, the writers had to get Kurt incredibly drunk and in a very specific situation for this to even present itself. I don’t think it’s that Kurt can’t (or won’t) have casual sex, but more so that it means more to him when it’s with someone he loves. Had this not been a throwaway episode intent on being offensive and cracky, that thought might have been explored.
5. It cracks me up that they kind of even half-assed Kurt being a sexual being. Sure, Cody’s half naked in-between Kurt’s legs. It’s more of a slight of hand, though. The kissing is a) cut away from very quickly, and b) barely kissing (the first part when Santana and Rachel come in isn’t really even kissing - it’s like stage kissing, where you kiss their cheek, it looks like making out, but it’s not). The whole thing looks way more provocative than it really is.
6. I do think it’s unfortunate that they didn’t let Kurt be this provocative and flirty (and handsy) with anyone else on the show. I do think Kurt has hotter moments (with Blaine - in various episodes, I can name them for you if you like). But the whole being overtly sexual and gay and somewhat naked is limited throughout the show (this goes for Brittana, too, for that matter, and even the Quinn/Santana hook up - they were mostly covered and a good four feet from each other on that bed).
6B. As an aside, though -- Glee doesn’t do overtly sexual very often, and nearly every time they do it’s for comedy. It makes me wonder if there was some kind of limitations in general. I mean, Finchel never got a mostly naked sex scene either - though Blaine and Brittany did -- for comedy.
7. I do think there’s an interesting story about season 4 Kurt dealing with his break up -- which would have included more intimate moments with Adam, and/or other people. But that wasn’t the story they chose.
7B. I do think, ultimately, this was the writers saying - well we could have written that story - but we prefer the one we are doing. I think it’s in part of the whole FU thing they were going for. I mean, even for people who wanted to see Kurt get more action -- he’s going to get punished for it in a sec, so even that feels like a bit of an FU.
Moving on... the next morning Santana and Rachel wake up to find that they’ve been robbed and Kurt is tied up.
Kurt does say that when he said no to a sexual thing - Cody got aggressive and tied him up. That is leaning on sexual assault there, show. Again - I’m not personally offended, but I also don’t think it’s funny either.
Oh, as an aside I want to mention the whole thrown in joke there about Kurt being sexy to kiss because it’s like he has no kiss (geez, is it just me or is there a blow job joke in there somewhere?) it is a comment on Chris’s physical attributes. So, calm down people when we get to Santana’s rant in season six. Every character gets pot shots about their looks. It’s part of being an actor in general.
Go Feel Shame
It’s...the next day? And Kurt’s talking to Santana (seeming much more Kurt like than the rest of the episode) about how he just wanted to let loose and feel better. (Well, alcohol rarely helps with that kiddo - but it’s a lesson nonetheless.) It’s interesting that he says he feels ashamed (he shouldn’t - but I can see why he would). And he also doesn’t want Blaine to know, ever. (An odd comment for something that is an AU)
I do understand some people’s thoughts that they wished Kurt had had a better experience about letting loose a little (and in some ways he did -- I mean that was what The End of Twerk was about). And I agree in that not every poor decision in your life needs to be met with shame and being robbed.
But I do think it’s also Glee’s way of saying - hey, we did hear you - and we’re going to continue to tell the story our way.
They all look really lovely in this scene. Rachel has a new gig for them - singing behind a wall of glass.
It’s the fourth wall -- Kurt, Santana, and Rachel are the writers again. It’s probably better that they stay there for their own safety. But also - this episode is what happens when that wall is broken down between creators and fandom - a weird mess of....whatever this is.
Oh! One last final side thought -- no, there’s no Klaine duet. That doesn’t bother me within the context of this story - it wouldn’t have made sense anywhere. That said, I’m sorry they didn’t get a final duet. I think Winter Wonderland would have been a nice conclusion for them. Let’s take a moment and lament that there was no season six Christmas episode to end on a high note with.
Time to move on to the regular story at hand.
#finding kh#kurt hummel#well -- that was theraputic#hopefully I can put this episode behind me now that I've said what I wanted to say#and I feel like I tried to be diplomatic about it
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