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#also i don't like the mum
aro-aizawa · 8 months
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i like to think everyone has a colour associated with them, whether its just your fave colour or what you generally wear most of or what colour your bedroom walls are. i always associate the name sophie with dark blue, my mum is always a nice turquoise, i like to think my colour is a bright sunflower yellow.
if you have a specific shade pls tell me i adore when ppl have associated colours and tell me them, bc i think of them when i see that colour
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nat-20s · 3 months
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my heart and soul for Jenny to crash into Rose Noble at some point and be like "oh hey! I'm your older sister!!" and Rose to be like WH-
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phoenixcatch7 · 7 months
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Kintsukuroi
'What if I put a clock pendulum in my torso' was the sort of question Bruce had come to expect when visiting Oracle.
"Pendulums are dependant on a stable base," he replied, because the last time he'd assumed they were being unserious Tim had tried to fit a chemistry test lab in his mouth and accidentally leaked the fumes through his mask.
"It'd be so aesthetic though," said Barbara, not looking up from the dozen screens she was surrounded by. "Listen. It would look so cool - Spoiler, robbery on fifth and main - Especially if I put a clock face over my heart."
"I thought you were trying to fit a super computer in it?"
"I was, but progress is slow. It's hard to fit it and enough padding to protect it plus leave enough room for ventilation. If I add the pendulum I might at least get inspiration." She gave a heavy sigh and pushed away from the desk, gliding in her chair to where her doll body was resting on a table, the glue separating the two halves of the smashed torso still glistening. Bruce followed, peering over her at the many scanners and wires hooked into it, flashing and beeping.
"Any luck?" he asked, and they both knew he wasn't talking about the computer anymore.
"Nothing."
He squeezed her shoulder, and she leant into it. They stayed there for a long moment.
"I just don't understand!" Barbara finally burst out, hands clenching on her chair arms. "I glued nearly every single piece back together! I made sure every splinter I could find went exactly where it should! I know the contract is still there. She's worked with more missing pieces before. But she's just not responding!"
"It's not you," Bruce soothed. "You've more than enough determination and strength to puppet, and we know the human body's state doesn't affect performance."
"That's the thing!" Barbara threw her hands up angrily, nearly smacking Bruce in the face. There was a chatter over comms, and both reached for their own. "One second," she said tightly, and wheeled back into the glow of the monitors. "Copy. BW, you're nearest? Thanks. Try and avoid the sniper this time. Wing, backup is in five."
She muted again and spun around, pinning Bruce with a heavy stare. "Is there anything, anything you can think of? We've - nothing I've tried has worked."
"Well...." He trailed off, one hand coming up to rub at the chin of his mask - a quiet night meant the opportunity to forgo the practical but muffling gas mask for his favoured plain black.
It was far from the first time a doll had been horrifically damaged. The incident with Bane came to mind - Batman had been in a very similar condition, body shorn clean in two and tossed to opposite corners. It was an awful memory, but the expression on Bane and the audience's faces as his bloodless body fell apart like a rotting tree trunk and then kept moving was a silver lining he'd always treasure.
But he'd been repaired and back on his feet in weeks, if bearing the incandescent fury of the doll for several more. It had been months for Barbara, and still nothing was happening.
"There's something we're missing, and I doubt it's on your side."
"I know THAT-"
"Listen," he demanded, and her jaw clicked shut mutinously. "There's something we're not seeing. Batgirl is in no shape to demand it herself, it seems. So its inaction is something we can't fully rely on."
"You've got the most experience with the dolls of all of us. Can you.. I don't know, sense anything?"
"Nothing more than the usual, with the Patriarch Doll, but we might get more if we return to the doll house -"
"No." Barbara interrupted again, but Bruce did not take offence. "She's not going anywhere. She doesn't want to head back to the cave."
Oh?
"She doesn't want to, or she doesn't care to?"
"I say she doesn't."
Interesting. This was likely a case of the doll exerting its will. The bats were well versed in avoiding the few lines their wooden bodies drew in the sand, treating them with the wary respect one would give a favorite blade or a highly trained attack dog. They could work together, share the highs and lows of life with them, but never get complacent. The dolls were forever a foreign, inhuman presence, and as with all wild creatures they would never be so arrogant as to assume full understanding. For Barbara to so strongly decide for the doll meant she was most likely not the only one deciding.
Which meant the solution would not be found in the cave.
"Perhaps there are upgrades she wishes to have?"
Oracle paused.
"Maybe," she conceded. "But there's practically a limitless amount of things I could do, and I wouldn't know where to start. And I could more easily do them when she's up and walking."
Not that then. If the doll wanted something to change but not receive upgrades or heal, than what?
... Not heal.
Batman hurried to the table. Oracle watched him with hawk eyes, but another call on the comms turned her away with a final warning glance.
Recovering every single splinter from a damaged wooden object and perfectly reattaching it was nigh impossible on a good day, never mind in the dead of night with a moving target. The dolls always returned to the cave to regenerate scratches and nicks they couldn't buff out, or accepted plaster to transmute with whatever supernatural power guided them.
The batgirl on the table, divested of all covering and armour, was still as chipped and scuffed as the day nightwing recovered last splinter.
The pieces fell into place.
"She doesn't want to be perfectly rebuilt," he realised. "She doesn't want the damage to disappear as it normally does... She wants it to remain visible. A different type of repair, then."
Oracle spun in her wheelchair to face him.
"Why?" she asked, something sharp in her eyes. Bruce chose his next words carefully.
"Perhaps she thinks such damage doesn't need to be hidden away," he said, slowly, and didn't comment when she turned away. Though she put on a strong face, and the doctors had recently released her full time, it would be a long time until the young hero was able to truly heal her mind.
"She doesn't need to do that for me. She's just causing me trouble."
"I don't think she is," he tried. "Dolls tend to reflect their puppeteer even after they accept us. You can't deny your trajectory has been changed."
They both sent a significant look to the enormous super computer taking up the wall.
"You've said you almost feel better able to protect Gotham now, with your reach and skills. Do you really feel that way?"
"I - I don't -" her mouth worked silently, and Bruce waited. "I mean I guess... But a part of me always assumed it'd be temporary, you know? Once I fixed batgirl.. It'd all return to normal." Her voice wobbled, and Bruce didn't hesitate to crouch before her, wrapping her in a long armed hug. She buried herself in his chest, regardless of the chilled metal.
"It's okay if you don't," he whispered into her hair, and held her as she shook. "I'm just throwing ideas around."
"I do though," she rasped. "I think I do feel that way. There's so much that can't be solved by violence, and it feels good to be out there but... I think I can help even more people, this way."
"That's good," he praised, "that's good. You can do whatever you set your mind to."
"You stole that from a parenting book verbatim."
"It's applicable to the current situation."
"Fine," she sighed, and pushed him away to roughly scrub at her eyes. "I'll give the doll another chance. Find some glitter glue or something, I don't know."
"Any materials you need will be provided," he promised. "I wouldn't recommend glitter glue or our usual tar."
He moved to pat her on the hair as the emotions of the moment faded, making sure to keep his unsheathed claws out of her hair.
"Once you fix her, though, I would recommend you puppet the doll during night hours still," he told her. "It wouldn't be good to put your body through twenty hour days."
"I've got a good system set up for now, but thank, B-man."
The computer dinged with another alert, and oracle spun to squint at it with a muffled curse, typing furiously. Batman escaped to the other side of the room, where the folders he'd originally come looking for lay. She waved, distracted, as he left, and although the doll could not smile, he could feel it on his face all the same.
@puppetmaster13u I summon thee dear mutual ^^
#I don't know which of us came up with the kintsukuroi idea but it worked brilliantly#Unexpected discussion of clinging to the idea of normality as something that can be returned to despite thinking you're okay with your#Life altering chronic condition diagnosis 🫠#Off screen nightwing is just not having a good time#I'm still testing out my characterisation of b but I'm pretty happy with him. Good dad b but also pre/no Ethiopia so he's healthier as it i#Oh btw the dolls don't have gender being inanimate the bats are anthropomorphising them#In the same way sailors call their boats she or my mum decided the roomba is a he#Some world building! I stuffed a lot in lol#I like the idea of the bats having different masks. Like the gas mask is for arkham breakouts or gas villains or ivy so it's the famous one#But they also use plain cloth masks or ceramic ones or decorative ones when the occasion calls. They've got scuba ones too#long post#batman#world building#worldbuilding#bruce wayne#possessed doll au#haunted doll#cryptid batman#cryptid batfam#batman au#dc oracle#barbara gordon#batgirl#I'm trying to keep the dolls as mindless but watchful as possible#Like they don't have opinions or ideas or anything. You could do literally whatever you wanted as long as you follow The Rules#I don't think the bats really know about the contracts. I think b has inferred something. But it's more trial and error#One idea I had is that the dolls are powered by the life force of past users mutated into... Whatever tf from all the curses.#So by entering the contract you lose a significant chunk of your ability to enter the afterlife.#Yes this would only be noticed by the jl going to the future and trying to find the souls of everyone or smth for whatever reason#And the bats don't have much of anything. Leading to the further impression that they aren't remotely human
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theproblemcallednight · 5 months
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only had the energy to color skk cuz i got lazy but it was still fun to doodle. plus skrunkle sigma cuz skrunkle sigma
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oh yeah @fyodorkitkat btw this is how i imagine u. ur now the anime man
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sometimes i think about penny turner and how much she must love her brilliant, beautiful son, her only child, and how proud she must be of him, but how much she must've worried about him too over the years (and probably still does sometimes) and then i cry a little 🥺
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gif credit @ihatealexturner [X]
more emo thoughts about this under the cut because it's just that kind of night i suppose
like, we know alex and his mum (both his parents actually) have a great relationship and they love each other very much, so i have no doubt that she's so very proud of alex for how hard he works and how driven and talented he is, so proud of everything he's achieved, knowing how much he and his creations mean to a huge number of people
but then also, how could she not worry about him, knowing that yes, he is living his dream, but he's also flying all across the world every few years, a different city every night, performing to the point of exhaustion, only to have to come up with the next big thing all over again? that's a lot of pressure on his shoulders, even if he does share a lot of it with the rest of the band. and alex handles it admirably of course, but still, if even i worry about him sometimes, i can't imagine how it must be for his mother (and father, of course, all of this probably goes for him just as much)
i also think about how she must have felt when alex moved to the usa, and how relieved she must've been when he decided to move back to the uk/europe, to have him closer again. and i wonder how she must've felt watching all those different personas and eras he created appear and disappear, maybe sometimes fearing he'd lose himself somewhere along the way, but still always seeing her boy underneath it all. i'm sure she's gotten used to it to some extent, but it must still be overwhelming sometimes, seeing all the hype and the scrutiny and the expectations and the temptations he has to deal with, especially knowing better than anyone how special and sensitive he is deep down. i can imagine she wishes she could protect him while at the same time knowing he's a big boy now, and he was always destined to make his mark on the world in a way that required him to spread his wings and leave the warm nest she'd created for him
and then i think she must also be so grateful to know that he's always got his best friends with him when he's on the road, to support him and share the load, and that he has so many more friends who adore him and always have his back, and how much of a reassurance that must be and then I just 😭😭😭😭 you know? 🥺
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arklay · 6 months
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RESIDENT EVIL → THE WESKER FAMILY
To the public, little is known of the families behind some of the world’s most renowned bioterrorists, but the question remains: did they play a role in causing their children to walk down the path that they did? Or are these individuals simply ambitious criminals with delusions of grandeur?
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For Diana Wesker (née Afanasyeva), her introduction into the bioweapons black market trade was upon discovering her employers were using her research into limb regeneration with salamanders to further their experiments in creating enhanced soldiers, instead of developing human therapies with which she was recruited for. Although the prospect of using biological weapons in the military did not appeal to her, the concept remained fascinating for her own selfish endeavours. Born on the 27th of October, 1963 in Sydney, Australia to Russian immigrant parents, Diana had harsh expectations placed upon her at a young age, ones that no matter how hard she tried she could never live up to. Her mother, Tatyana, was an unfeeling woman, absent for long stretches of time with little regard to how it affected her daughters, much more concerned with her craft as an accomplished opera singer. Viktor was no better. A strict man whose role as father and ballet master blurred, he pushed his girls to one day follow in his footsteps. Whilst Sofia enjoyed ballet, and went on to become a professional ballet dancer, Diana’s heart was set on going into the field of biology. She wished to make a name for herself, separate from her family – to which she succeeded.
Diana was married to former U.S. Marine, Dave Monroe, for only a year until he was declared dead in 1992 after succumbing to injuries sustained in a horrific car accident. Foul play was ruled out while Diana played the role of the grief-stricken widow, but in reality, she had snapped after years of mistreatment at her husband’s hands, and opted for something she could pass off as an accident to be free of him. For years she believed he was dead – and he was, legally – but that proved to not be the case when he found his way back into her life again in 1999. Unbeknownst to her, she had been lied to by the police and coroner, who were paid off by her employers when they took Dave’s body for themselves and used him as one of their first test subjects in developing supersoldiers. Before he could ever hurt her again, Diana’s second husband, Albert Wesker, tracked the man down, captured him and tortured him, before allowing Diana to get her violent and bloody revenge.
The origins of Albert Wesker’s involvement in bioterrorism, alongside his twin sister, Alex, are much different than that of Diana’s. The two hail from London, Canada, but unfortunately, they hold no memories of their lives there, nor what happened to their biological parents when they were eight years old. Agents of Oswell E. Spencer, an aristocratic billionaire and eugenicist, took the twins from their home and executed their parents as per Spencer’s orders. Albert and Alex were then placed in a home funded by the Spencer Foundation where they were given new names and a privileged upbringing. They had access to the best education possible, free to pursue whichever field they decided, but it was by no accident they both went into virology and bioengineering; at home, their adoptive parents – agents whom they believed to be their real parents – instilled them with the beliefs of Oswell E. Spencer, harbouring disdain for war and pestilence, and believing humans to be an evolutionary dead-end in need of a rebirth. They were only two of the hundreds of children “adopted” as part of what is known as Project W, a plan intended to develop an advanced race of human beings. The most promising candidates were headhunted by Umbrella Pharmaceuticals, the twins amongst them, where they went on to create bioweapons for the company founded by none other than the man who had handpicked them for his plan. The final stage of this was to infect the thirteen Spencer saw fit, however, only two survived; Albert received the intended effects, now possessing superhuman abilities, however, Alex was only offered more time to live due to her terminal degenerative illness.
In the summer of 1995, Diana was working undercover within Umbrella to gather development data on their projects for her company. Here, she had a chance encounter with Albert, an intelligence officer at the time, which permanently altered the course of her life. The two were never seen far from one another’s side, marrying in 1998, and they went on to become notorious in the bioweapons industry. The development of the Uroboros virus was where things took a turn for the worst. Although Diana’s infection was successful and she bore abilities that rivalled her husband’s, the plan itself did not succeed as they had hoped, and almost cost Albert his life at the hands of his former subordinates.
Now, they work within the shadows, with Diana declared missing and Albert believed to be dead. Their legacy, however, lives on with the mark they left on the world. As visionaries in their field, they influenced bioterror attacks carried out by countless individuals and organisations. In turn, they also inspired others to fight against such atrocities. One such person happens to be Albert’s son from a former relationship, Jake Müller, whose existence he was unaware of.
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#mine.#oc: diana#pair: ewskers#click for better quality cause it's large & tumblr ate it ♡#hii so happy birthday diana !! queen is 60 today :]#um. there's no template cause i made this from scratch...i couldn't find any i was vibing with so i was like you know what lmaoo#i'm sorry for the essay...it was meant to be just a short rundown of the family but well...that happened. typical leah fashion...#oh and guys. did you know that there's a limit to the amount you can put in one blockquote? that's why the rest is just left like that caus#i didn't like how it looked with a blockquote each paragraph...cause the spaces between were unever. you understand 😔#with the tree i was also going to include weskids adoptive parents but i couldn't figure out how to arrange it all & make it look nice !!#cause i also wanted to have spencer in there as well cause he's a big reason why the weskids are the way they are...was maybe gonna include#sherry as well. like connected to jake (hehe) and then do her parents too but that would've made things so wide & it's already big enough#yes. i hc that albert & alex are biological twins. just for clarification there :] i don't think i added anything else that isn't canon or#implied with canon. cause the weskids were put in homes (or at least whatever ''controlled environments'' means) where they were monitored#by umbrella but were unaware of it. so yeah. i don't think i really changed much there !!#honestly i could've kept rambling cause there's alex's whole situation. there's my lore with jake's mum. there's way more with the ewskers#but it's already so long & i can't be concise so there's that lmaoo oh also diana's grandma. so much stuff#also meant to say the weskids birthday in that ramble. it's january 15 1960 :] they are capricorn sun leo moons but alex was born earlier s#their rising signs are albert is a scorpio rising & alex is a libra rising !!#had to redo the image cause typo on diana's birth year for some reason lmao so if that messed up the formatting i will sob
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hetagrammy · 1 year
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This might be controversial, but I've never had this idea of Britannia as being a particularly warm maternal figure. Like, I think she definitely loved her kids, but she was more concerned with their survival than with letting them be children if that makes sense. Her way of showing love was trying her damndest to protect them, and to make sure they could survive on their own after she was gone. It was less explicit "I love you"'s and more compliments on their progress or stern scoldings when they'd gotten themselves into danger. The British Isles Siblings are hard pressed to remember the last time their mother hugged them or sang to them, but they remember her pressing a blade into their hands, kissing their foreheads, and telling them to be brave. They know their worth because of her, but what tenderness they gained they learned elsewhere.
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cult-of-the-eye · 18 days
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dropped my water bottle down the stairs...let out a soft "no" as i watched it bounce...it was reminiscent of an indian lady falling down the stairs...i could see the shitty edits happening before my eyes...
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ywpd-translations · 10 months
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(Heads up, Yowapeda is going on a bit of a hiatus for the next three weeks! So there will be no new chapter until 8/3!)
Ride 737: New pedals
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Pag 1
3: New... “pedals”
4: Yeah
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Pag 2
1: Try using them
You'll probably be able to use them!!
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Pag 3
2: Huh
3: …..!! Be able to use them!?
4: The.... pedals!?
5: Rokudai-kun
Ye-yessir, teh
The senpai of my senpai, the “super senpai”!!
6: Sorry but could you please bring here Onoda's bike?
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Pag 4
1: Yessir!! Right away!!
3: So fast
3: Here!!
Thank you
Thanks
He's really so fast!! As expected of his hardcore manager spirit!!
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Pag 5
1: Waaaa.... I officially touched Back-ga-.... Onoda-san's bike....!!
Why are you being all bashful by yourself now, Rokudai....
2: I'll install them right away
3: Ah-uhm
4: Uhm.... actually
I can't accept them
7: Teh!?
Onoda-san refused them..!!
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Pag 6
1: You purposely cam here to encourage us, you even offered me a drink – I can't accept the “pedals” too, in addition to that!!
2: You even greeted the first years
That's plenty, thank you so much!
Onoda-san....
4: Is that so?
Yes!!
5: I thought they would suit you, Onoda, but..
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Pag 7
1: I- I wanted to see the new pedals, teh...
He said “he'll be able to use them”, I wonder what that meant
2: Maybe the shape is different?
Maybe they're difficult to use? Like there are two on both sides
How would you even step on them, teh
3: I actually got these for myself....
4: With my style of pedaling I tend to lose torque near the limit, so I tried using these
5: But it didn't suit me
So I went back to use the old pedals
7: And while doing so I suddenly thought
8: That you, Onoda... your pedals
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Pag 8
1: How long has it been since you last changed them...?
2: Huh
6: The pedals used for bicycles racing are consumable
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Pag 9
1: When you fall, they're the first thing that hit the ground, and they're shaved by the impact
2: The structure is simple but surprisingly useful, but still metal isn't perfect
3: They receive the torque and the force from the legs, so you can say the pedals are one of the most important part of a bike
And there's no guarantee they'll never break right during an important race
4: A race...!!
5: Of course you usually bring your bike to Touji-san, and I don't think he'd fail to notice something like this
6: But, has it ever happened before that your feet unfastened during an important moment and you had troubles because of it?
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Pag 10
2: …. during the Inter High's third day... at the end...
Yes, it happened....
3: You fought in the Inter High twice
4: You ran in the prefectural qualifiers, every day you use your bike for practice
5: And you're overusing it now during training camp
6: When they'll break it won't be surprising
Onoda, sometimes.... caring... isn't just about the club members....
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Pag 11
1: It's about your own bike, too!!
2: The pedals I received from Teshima-san on that rainy day during training camp onmy first year
3: I asked Touji-san to fix them on my new bike, since they were important to me
5: Looking closely, they're all ruined
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Pag 12
1: The bike that connects me to everyone
And what connects me to this bike
2: The pedals
3: You went to the Inter High with the pedals I gave you, and you delievered our jersey to the final gate in the end
4: Twice
And I, who gave you those pedals, also am happy and want to thank you
5: But, it's enough
They carried out their role perfectly
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Pag 13
1: Let them rest
3: Waaa it's already this late!? That's bad, I got a lecture tomorrow next period
4: I have to go back!
Th- that's bad!
5: …. ah, but you refused these new pedals. I can't give them to you... you said
Ah- wa-
Ahh, what should I do
Ah-
6: Well it can't be helped
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Pag 14
1: I'll forget them in the lobby and leave
4: Do your best during this training camp!
Yes- thank you so much for coming here!!
5: Say hi to the others for me, too
6: Share those with everyone and eat them
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Pag 15
1: Thank you so much...!!
If you speak so loudly you'll wake everyone...
He....
He's such a nice senpai...
2: I could see ans feel the Sohoku bond, teh!!
Righ!! It's so strong!!
3: I'll change them now
4: The pedals!!
6: I wonder what kind are they, teh, these new pedals!
He said “you'll be able to use them”!?
7: Huh!?
These are the pedals!?
It's the first time I see them in this shape, the... the tip...
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Pag 16
1: is round!!
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Pag 17
1: The part where I put my feet is a round pedal...!!
2: Amazing, since this pedal is round
3: I can move my heel left and right
4: With incredibly wide movements!!
5: My ankles... and my knees are incredibly free to move!!
And also, these pedals...
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Pag 18
1: They feel so close to the sole of my feet
2: I feel like I can turn my pedals so much more like this!!
3: Thank you so much, Teshima-san!!
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Pag 19
1: Have you noticed, Hotshot?
Onoda-kun's....
Yeah, his pedals are new
2: “Speed play”
3: It's the only kind of pedal in the world that has the cleat and fastening mechanism on the side
4: Your legs' range of motion left and right becomes wider, so when you're swinging the bike you can still under all circumstances pedal at an high cadence and apply torque
It's perfect for Onoda's pedaling style
5: Was it Touj-san?
Who knows... I sense some kind of intention behind the guess of giving him those pedals
6: And from those donuts lineup choice, maybe
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Pag 20
1: It was Teshima-san!!
2: Onoda....!! Pedal, until your limit
3: I told you before...!! I want to see
4: How strong you can become!!
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ive managed to somewhat get my parents into dungeon meshi and its brilliant. i only started watching it when the anime began, and since then i've managed to get at least one of them watching it with me on thursday nights. its hilarious because they're equally seeming to take the piss and genuinely enjoy it. today my dad got home midway through (roughly near the senshi hair washing scene iirc), came into the living room and was all 'oh of course', then they both started laughing at laios eating the parasite. 10/10 best way of watching it no notes.
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hella1975 · 4 months
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ive never felt more rural than i have in the past few weeks since hanging out with a lad who has only ever lived in cities. what do you MEAN YOU'VE NEVER DONE A MORRIS DANCE
#he didn't even know what morris dancers WERE i said some shit like 'you know it's summer when the morris dancers come out'#and he was like 'the what now' I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY. HE'S FUCKING WITH ME SURELY#AND THIS HAPPENS SO OFTEN ABOUT THINGS I JUST ASSUMED WERE BASICS#'harvest festival 🤨' PARDON. YOU ARE JOKING#and also the CONCEPT of a village is baffling to him. i said there's probably about 100 people in my entire village#and we don't have a pub or a single shop the closest ones are in the NEXT village over which is a 3 mile walk#and this boy was HORRIFIED. we are both in a constant state of thinking the other is taking the piss#and now every time i think/do something abundantly rural im SO self-aware 😭#my mum told me the farmers are gonna do a xmas tractor run through our village this year#(they usually miss our village bc even by village standards it's tiny)#and she was like 'shame you'll miss it! i'll send you a video!' and im there already picturing this boy's face when i show it him#like sigh. yeah. yeah okay maybe the rural england is ingrained deeper than i feared. never escaping the allegations etc#had a conversation with him the other day that concluded with me 100% genuinely being like 'you need to touch grass'#i literally said 'i think it would fix you. like actually go and touch some grass what the fuck'#bc at this point he's so far removed from nature that it's INSANE TO ME. i didnt realise how much i took growing up rurally for granted#THESE PEOPLE DONT EVEN GET DRUNK IN FIELDS. THEY HAVE NO FIELDS. I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT A CAMP OUT WAS
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thedreadvampy · 5 months
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The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.
It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.
#red said#i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life#my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me#like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy.#anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is.#but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was#like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it#i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen.#I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles#and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences#and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma#obviously microtraumas build up but still.#then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma#is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING#told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip#and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain#until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position#and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific#and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with#like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex#out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage?#and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh#so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea#that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting.#like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.
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dont-offend-the-bees · 4 months
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this testosterone is strong shit i wanna go out and play basketball
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nonuggetshere · 11 months
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Local guy has 0 preservation skills, ready to throw hands with a God, more at 10
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pocketramblr · 7 months
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I love mums and I love to see kids getting creative with them but I will admit I don't understand the appeal of one without any flowers at all like that's what it's named for
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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