#also i may or may not write about re-education but that's for another day. i've run out of words

[trulybetty]

Sunday Week in Review X

No obnoxious coffee in the car this week for a little driveway session. BUT Mr. Truly did bring me back one with doughnuts after Lil’ Truly’s (baby Truly's older sibling) swim lesson and couldn’t understand how a box of doughnuts could make me smile so wide (looking at you @secretelephanttattoo & @morallyinept 🍩)

Really enjoying the October prompts I started - it's been a fun break to get into something with no pressure and to just write without worrying about anything. I can't believe I'm like halfway through and I've not thrown in the towel yet (I've been tempted to skip a few days). It's also given way to some inspiration for some ongoing wip's and populated some new ones (I see you Tim Rockford).

But because of this, it's not really left me much time to read - so another light week, but it's okay! It means my TBR list (it's a work in progress that I've been neglecting and there's so much missing) is bursting with some incredibly great fanfics to get my teeth into next month!

Also, I am LIVING for everyone's weekly rounds ups, no matter how you format it or what you share - it's such a joy to see them popping up and getting to learn a little more about the people in this community!

T R U L Y U P D A T E S . . .

oct' x 08 - umbrellas (will miller x gn!reader)

oct' x 09 - ravens (maverick!frankie x reader)

oct' x 10 - oktoberfest (sequins!joel x reader)

oct' x 11 - pumpkin spice (marcus x reader) (parts II & III coming later this month)

oct' x 12 - cornfields(sequins!joel x f!reader)

oct' x 13 - black cat (tim rockford x gn!reader)

oct' x 14 - spooky (dieter x gn!reader)

W H A T I R E A D . . .

Fort Bravo (Dieter) by @secretelephanttattoo Of course our man Bravo would be building blanket forts in his walk in wardrobe this week. I very much would like to build my own to go hide out with and wouldn’t say no to sharing it with Dieter either. Medicinal Purposes (Frankie) by @grogusmum Ironic I read this at the start of the week and finished it with two days off of work for a migraine lol. Alas, I did not have Frankie show on my doorstep to offer his services - but this was a spicy read that I may have read a couple of times for educational purposes. 

PATS (Pedro Across the Street not RPF) by @oonajaeadira There’s a re-read this month, and not that I need an excuse, but it’s been fun dipping back into this world and reminding myself that I really should go book myself a massage. If you haven’t read this series I wholeheartedly recommend it, it’s top tier. It’s a comfort and a spicy read at the same time. 

Headshots | Chapter 3 (Marcus) by @secretelephanttattoo El has been making waves in the Pike Puddle™️ with her Marcus Pike offerings as of late and this third instalment to Headshots is makes no less of an impact. This is so Marcus and just so sweet. 

Salty & Sweet (Marcus) by @secretelephanttattoo I’m not the biggest fan of popcorn, but if Marcus Pike wants to eat it off me, who am I to say no? 

Swimming Lessons with Catfish (Frankie) by @avastrasposts Okay, aside from the jokes that this is the title of the sex tape could make of this fic, this is an incredibly smoke show of a drabble that I may or  may not have read a couple of times. 

Frankie to the Rescue (Frankie) by @avastrasposts Again, Avastra is just blowing it out of the water with these drabbles this week! The whole time reading this I was excited to find out how it would play out and it did not disappoint. 

Paranoid Heart (Javi P.) by @goodwithcheese I’m so behind with my reblogs this week (don’t look in my drafts) - but Megan comes in again this week with another fantastic instalment to this series and I’m falling for these two so hard. 

in another life… (Frankie) by @chronically-ghosted Speaking of being behind, I read this while on one of my sick days and I’d you’ve not read Taylor’s work, you’re sleeping on it and you should check it out. This here is a slice of life with Frankie that is utterly atmospheric and beautifully written. 

Bloom | Chapter 2 (Joel) by @wildemaven-prompts I. Am. Here. For. This 🙌 the little slow burn, Joel being a little awkward, the descriptions of the flowers 🌸 and most of all Ellie who almost manages to steal the show in every appearance. This whole series is a delight and we’re only two chapters in!

Unlikely Friends (Joel) by @sweetercalypso Despite having adopted Frankie Cat™️ last month I’m still not 100% on the cat train (don’t tell Frankie, she’s still bitching about the Andes man) - but this is incredibly sweet and I absolutely resonate with Joel trying to win over a cat (Frankie Cat may have just pounced at my feet from under the armchair that I’m supposed to pretend I didn’t see her under)

…assie (Frankie) by @frenchiereading I love everything Mel has been sharing with us from the Shared Breaths universe and this is just incredibly sweet. I don’t want to spoil anything, but my heart may have grown three sizes after reading the ending. 

Ring Toss (Frankie) by @morallyinept Okay, if @secretelephanttattoo hadn’t changed my perspective on doughnuts, then Jett has permanently altered all thoughts about them. This is is just, lustfully and sinfully indulgent and Frankie is just a menace 🍩

M E M O R A B L E P O S T S . . .

Megan's 1K celebrations, go drip into her Asks and repent to our Gouda Mother of Cheesus

Catfish PhD program had another assignment: Module 6 - The Licence Suspension

All of @wildemaven's moodboards, they're beautiful and such a mooood 💕

Three words, LAW. ENFORCEMENT. BALL. @sin-djarin threw out a thot and a hero came along and answered the prayer we didn't all know we needed, @for-a-longlongtime and presented us with a treat with this WIP

I did a bad job of tracking this week, there were so many more great posts this week that I got to be a part of and enjoyed!

B R O U G H T T H E J O Y . . .

Honestly? This community. I feel like I sound like a broken record on the topic now and that if I keep going on about how wonderful everyone is here it’s going to lose all meaning. But I’m getting to witness friendships being made through posts, a community being built in real-time and getting to know you all better is a real joy.

Having said that, despite the bullshit I put out - I am socially awkward at my core and trying to preach what I say and jump into more inboxes and DM's. But both of mine are always open if you want to drop down and discuss anything or everything 🙌

Also, if we want something superficial to balance that out, I’m almost finished with Sons of Anarchy season seven, finally (oh I have so many feels), and copious amounts of gratuitous Jax Teller nudity certainly never goes unwelcomed amongst the angst (Kurt Sutter knew what he was doing). I will be dropping into your Asks at some point @laurfilijames, be warned (also still thinking about the ask you sent me, is not forgotten!).

T H I S W E E K ' S J A M . . .

Adeem the Artist has been on permanent rotation since @goodwithcheese shouted them out and I love everything about this song. The feel-good beat, the voice and those lyrics? 🙌 *perfection*

Happy Sunday all! Wising everyone a good week ahead! 💛

#betty's sunday in review #sunday week in review #Spotify

[shiningstardan]

During the process of writing fanfictions, do you have a creative block or are you able to flow a story easily?

☆ A S K T I M E ! ! !

Well... Imma try to reply to the best of my abilities. But first context:

I have come just come out from a 5-year writing pause. I won't call it a block because 5 years ago I didn't have much interest in writing, I just wrote 5 fics but didn't think much of it and even dropped one of those.

So, what have I done now that is so different and has gotten my juices flowing?

I have established some rules

1. I will not write for others.

What does this mean? I will not write expecting kudos, bookmarks or reviews. So I don't place my writing motivation on feedback, some people get writers block because they don't feel appreciated. It's hurtful but you gotta remember that you also write because you love this character and the fandoms. I've always been kind of a lone wolf irl so, I gotta conduct the same mentality on online spaces.

2. I will find what I need out of the fics I'm writing and write that

I have been investing a lot of time thinking in Naruto for example. What do I need from this story that I never got?

Hyuga lore & politics

Konoha 13 interactions

Re-imagining of the time skipped between the OG series and Shippuden.

The fact that naruto talks friendship to everybody but he only cares about 1 friend, so I need him to interact with the other.

Knowing I need this I have started writing fics using prompts that may help my inspiration. Created character profiles to know who is friends with who besides what we are told in canon. Taken advantage of certain fandom patterns, there are some headcanons that have become universal.

For example: Somehow, somewhere a fan decided that in fanfic Hinata's grandfather is called either Hideo / Hideto and the rest of the fandom just rolled with it! which brings me to my next point~

3. I don't have to start from scratch.

If you feel that you are inspired by an image, headcanon, just roll with it. Don't feel pressure to come out with "original ideas" all the time, that's exhausting. I personally love when authors reference things, so maybe you said that a character likes the color red and you repeat that in a different way every fic you have, maybe through clothes, maybe through food, maybe through objects. A nod is always welcomed.

4. I can work on something else or abandon your idea

If you are stuck with an idea you can

Sleep on it and check it later

Outline it and move on. You can write 4 or 5 sentences about what you want to happen in that section and then you can come up with the details for the scene and write something else.

Not work on it anymore, maybe you can recycle what you wrote for another project (that's how I wrote Happy Valentine's Day, I didn't want to star from scratch so I reused the first portion from a discarded idea)

5. Length doesn't define you

I'm currently writing a 20k+ fic. This is my first time writing this much and it's scary AF. I thought it would be a 2k max, because I don't have a really good imagination. In the past I have mainly written works under 1k and even a 40 part drabble pieces (if you know the technical definition drabbles are 100 words exactly). So up until now I had just written relatively short works.

Challenge yourself to write short, write a haiku, a drabble, some flash fiction (250 w) or something under 500. Just a page.

Any writing is good writing.

6. Workshop it

Talk about your story and the ideas you want to explore with a friend (that includes me now, just so you know. Whether it is an annonymous ask or a direct message, my ask box will always be open for fanfic questions, even if it's a different fandom or ship I personally don't gravitate to).

7. Educate Yourself

This last few months I have discovered that english and spanish are formatted totally different in terms of punctuation.

I have also wanted to learn more about creative writing so I watch some Lectures

That being said I think I write slowly, but enjoy it nonetheless.

#answered asks

[ovaryacted]

Questions 3 and 30 for the ask game <3

Also hiiiii nic, how've you been? 🩷🩷 I'm so glad the ask box is open again. I hope you are feeling better since you said you were really busy a while ago, if I remember correctly?

Also OH MY GOD THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY SAID COLLEGE LIFE WAS WILDD 😭😭 ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO DATING 💀 tell me why I met this boy and got into a relationship with him after an embarassingly short amount of time, then he lovebombed me, had a mental breakdown, got bored and attempted to fake his own death 😭😭 safe to say we're over, though I'm still a little worried about his mental health lmaoo. It's a shame though, I thought I met my brunette version of Leon Kennedy irl, he was really sweet and dorky and all I could ask for. But whatever, life goes on. I think I might quit dating real men until I graduate tho 💀💀 Leon and Chris it is until then!

Sorry if this felt like a rant, but it was too hilarious not to share 😭😭 I hope you're having better luck with real men than I am nic 🥲 it's okay tho, who needs some crazy Texan nerd when Leon Scott Kennedy is right there?

Also, if you have any vague details to share about your upcoming fics, please do! I always stalk your blog for updates, your writing is just that good!! I can be patient though, no pressure. I hope you're having lovely writing time :3

Take care pookie, sending lots of love <3

-🌑

writer ask game

Omg hey new moon anon! It's always so nice to hear from you. 🫶 I'm doing alright for the most part, dealing with migraines so that's fun but I'm handling it. I hope you're doing good too. And yeah, I was busy and a little burnt out from answering all of those asks for like a week straight so I closed my ask box to regroup, but I'm more energetic now so that's good!

#3. how do you feel about your current WIP?

Oh my current WIP is a pain in the ass LMAOO. I've been working on it for like a month on and off and I'm about to revisit it today and re-edit it completely. Sometimes I think I overstress myself about writing certain things because I'm a perfectionist and want to put out stuff that I am happy with, but I'm really hoping I get this done. It's the first chapter of my series, which is hilarious cause I've been drafting this idea out for like 6 months and I still haven't uploaded it. I will though, eventually, I'm just scared about putting it out into the world since it's something I've planned so thoroughly.

#30. share a fic you're especially proud of

I believe I've answered this already but definitely One Of Those Days simply because of how cohesive it is and how easy it was to write. It's one of my favorite things that I've written, and because lord knows I want a dilf to take care of me after a stressful day so it's personal.

Now college boys? Babe, as someone older I'm going to tell you, stay away from them boys at school. Obviously, have fun and be safe duh, but don't let these LEWSERS derail you from your education. I'm sorry that happened though seriously, being lovebombed is the absolute worst thing ever, but he sounds crazy for that like. Don't think that what happened determines your worth romantically, believe me, you will be okay. <3

As for me? I haven't had a man within 6 feet of me in 2 years by choice HAHA. They just get dumber and dumber and frankly I don't want to be stressed so I choose to keep my peace, I can't deal with another dating horror story and trust me I've had plenty. Celibacy does get annoying though, I feel like as you get older, your hormones get out of wack and every ovulation cycle gets more intense. I'm literally at my limit but I'm trying to stay strong and not let the voices get to me. May break my celibacy this summer, I'm feeling reckless, but nobody is a #realfucker like me so I'd rather save myself the dissapointment. Sadly, real men are nothing like the fictional ones we all thirst over, so we must all suffer booo.

And as for my fic ideas, I have a lot written down and I'm actually deviating from Leon Kennedy because I'm fixating over Chris Redfield so I'll tell you some of the things I want to write for him in particular!

Essentially, I have a DDLG fic idea I want to crank out with Chris and it kind of extended to me wanting to create a mini universe of Chris and his sub partner just navigating life and learning more about kinks and how to grow in a dom/sub dynamic. I originally wanted to do that with Leon, but the ideas I had just didn't fit his characterization naturally in my head, it felt forced. And now that I've been doing a fuck ton of character analysis and plotting with Chris, my brain changed and everything that didn't fit Leon fits Chris in my head (because they're foils of each other). So yeah, I'm definitely planning on doing that, probably several different one shots about Chris and his gf in a dom/sub partnership and how they explore it together, and they can all be read as stand-alones or in the same "universe" type of deal.

I'm still hesitant cause of how people think about DDLG as a whole and how they view Chris, but I'm just learning to not give a fuck anymore and post it anyway. :)

#ovaryacted asks #writer ask game #₊˚⊹ ♡ ─ new moon anon 🌑

[vinyls-and-valentines]

Whooo, nearly got the first part of my writing wip done

#got hung up on how to word a scene so i just wrote down the jist of things and moved on but i think i've written almost 1k words today #which is a lot for me! i usually write like 300-500 per day :D #we're going to ignore that i still have to write another 2-3 parts in order for this to be finished #anyways. hope you like really fucking long chapters because you're getting really long chapters with this one #not many (each part is a chapter because idk how else to split these tbh) but like. 2.5-3k words per is what i'm looking at rn #can't believe that all it took to make my brain write a longfic was come up with an alternating pov continuous story 😔 #< i'm getting ahead of myself but. things are shaping up and that's exciting! #also i may or may not write about re-education but that's for another day. i've run out of words #boo rambles #hours inbetween

[shelbymustange]

Is Canada really that good? I've been thinking abt leaving my country and America is a no-no for me

This is such an incredibly difficult thing for me to write, as I’m a white person living in Canada and I don’t know a lot about POC experiences in my country. Everything I know about racism in Canada is from an outsider perspective. The only thing I can really speak on is my experiences as an LGBT person, and as an AFAB person who was born and raised here.

I'm not even close to an authority on how POC feel about living in Canada, and I can only give my opinion on that based on my personal experiences with my POC friends and acquaintances, plus what I have read in the news and from articles written by POC.

As well, this is from the perspective of someone who grew up in rural Ontario, and is living in Ottawa. Ottawa is not a large city, and it is in South Eastern Ontario. Canada is a very, very large country. South Eastern Ontario is no where near the same as Northern Ontario, or even Western Ontario, let alone Alberta or the Maritimes or the Yukon. 

Please keep this in mind as a speak on what I do know. There is a lot more that I don’t, and if you are POC, I encourage you to seek out articles or posts written by POC citizens and immigrants about their experience coming to Canada and living here. As well as seeking out local articles written from the place you may want to move within the country. 

Now that I have said that, let me begin:

Canada has it's issues with POC, and it would be incredibly ignorant for me to say we don't. There is still racism here, there is still anti-immigrant sentiment. There’s a very, very longstanding history of racism toward our First Nations/Indigenous/Native people. This history and mistreatment is becoming more well known about my country. It’s currently in debate whether we should label the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women a genocide because of the systematic negligence on the part of our authorities toward finding these girls and closing the numerous cold cases there are. As well, the ‘Starlight Tours’ -- or a more apt and less pleasing name the “Saskatoon Freezing Deaths” are also gaining a lot more attention toward how my country has treated it’s Indigenous people, and their systematic oppression. Not to mention the issue surrounding our residential schools and kidnapped indigenous children. <--there is a lot to unpack about Canada and it’s First Nations peoples. I could go on for paragraphs about this. I encourage any Canadian followers to read the articles in this paragraph and learn about these atrocities if you think our country is perfect.

Canada is not a utopia for POC. Brown and Black people as well, still suffer from racism from our authorities, as well as just daily racism from the people around them. And there are cases of police negligence and brutality that happen in Canada. This is a fact that our country has to face. 

In terms of our government -- well, our parties are a lot different than the US. Here’s what our election looked like last year, and a basic overview on party policies. Our elections last like...a month? I think last year it was 78 days and that was a long ass election. Generally speaking, there isn’t as much of and Us or Them mentality with our parties and I think it’s because we have a Parliament system. In my perspective, they’re all sort of toeing the line because they need each other in order for any policy to pass, especially when we have a minority government.

So, no one other than the conservatives are aligning themselves with just one party. And the conservatives only do that because the PC party is really the only contending conservative power in Canada. The other three parties that have MPs in House are leftist parties. 

Personally speaking, I’m a leftist. I side more with the NDP than the Liberals in terms of policies, but I don’t align myself with a specific party. I’m just a leftist. I usually vote Liberal, because in my district, they are the only contenders against the PC party, and ultimately my district is PC led because it’s a small town and it’s just how people vote there.

That’s how I look at our government. Notice how much more flippant it is than you might get from someone in the States? AND. I’m going to be perfectly honest here, not long ago, in our provincial government, we had a Premier named Kathleen Wynne, who I wanted to like, but she made some really stupid decisions (except $14 min wage, thank u Wynne). She was a Liberal party leader. And, you know, I was not okay with a PC government in Ontario, especially one run by Doug Ford (brother of notorious Rob Ford). And he’s done some shit I don’t like at all, BUT! I can comfortably say that I respect Doug Ford because of his decision making during the Covid Pandemic. While it was slow and could have been handled better, do I think another leader would have done better? Not really. But at the same time, there was no downplaying, and despite his emphasis on business in his platform, he surprised me with his re-opening policies and how slowly they were taken. (except the schools, because that was fuckin stupid tbh but I’m not going to keep going on about that.). Generally speaking, here when you’re mad about a politician, it’s for non-heinous, smaller bad decision making, rather than taking away Trans rights, for example. (An Aside -- here in Ontario, trans people who are clinically diagnosed with dysphoria and referred for surgery by a professional have their surgeries covered by OHIP (provincial health plan), and do not have to pay out of pocket, so that’s nice).

(Disclaimer: this opinion is from a white person’s prespective, a white person who votes in rural Ontario, who’s friends and family are quite equally as skeptical and logical toward politics and politicians. My flippancy could very well  be because of my white priviledge and I encourage any poc Canadian followers to respond with their opinions so I can rb here. I just know majority of immigrant Canadians vote Liberal since like the 70s).

Largely our Conservative party is much more concerned with fiscal issues than anything else (though there are some outliers, like Andrew Scheer who was notoriously anti-lgbt and abortion, but from what I could see it was kept out of his politics?? I need to look into it more, but ultimately he was taken out as the PC leader I think largely because of the country’s opinions on this) but a good portion of their supporters can be racist, and non-supportive of lgbt people, anti-abortion, etc. Ultimately, our conservatives, when in power recently, have never tried to reverse LGBT rights, though they toe the line of reproductive rights, despite not actively re-opening the debate. As well, Ontario, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, as well as Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary have enacted bans on conversion therapy. A bill has also been tabled that will federally ban conversion therapy, and it’s not something that the conservatives are really fighting against. For the most part, they leave LGBT people alone rather than actively passing laws to harm them. I can personally say, I’ve never felt fear for my life, or my rights when we’ve had a majority PC government.

As an immigrant, compared to the US, you are more likely to be taken in to our country, and it is much easier to get work. It’s also easier to become a permanent resident (here’s a list of personal stories from answers on Quora about Canada vs US immigration). 

As well, the Canadian government adopted the idea of Canada as a multicultural nation back in the 1970s. We’re not a melting pot like the US. And this can be a big draw for people looking to immigrate, because it emphasizes individuality and the positives of what different cultures can bring to a country. (Though this can be contested and quite fairly at that).

I personally know a good amount of people who have immigrated to Canada, from a variety of different backgrounds, who love it here, and have had very little issue in their lives. Not none, obviously for the POC, because racism still happens here, but they love being here, and ultimately they feel safe and like they belong. They have found community here. But this is just my personal experience, Heres’s a couple articles from and about Canadian immigrants:

Immigrants talk about when they 'started to feel Canadian' - Ottawa Citizen, 2018 As an immigrant, I know how it feels to be 'lonely and isolated' in my new country - CBC Saskatchewan, 2019    What It Takes: An immigrant’s journey from Zimbabwe to Canada - Global News, 2019

This isn’t to say that people come here and they’re always going to love it. There’s a lot of people who leave, either to go back to their home country, or to go to another country (like the US). Even though it’s easier than in the US, it can still be hard to get a job here in the field you want, things are kind of really expensive compared to the US, the US has better higher level education, they have better paying jobs, etc. 

And again, this is the perspective of a white person from a smaller city in Ontario. I know Toronto, even though half of it’s population are immigrants, has a lot of issues with it’s police and brutality and anti-black and brown racism. Ultimately, you will not completely escape racism, individual or systemic, in this country. It’s an unfortunate fact that we can all fight to change in the future.

But in a small town. It’s a community. As someone from a rural area, I know that in my experience, there has never been a point where I have seen anyone from my small communities who have been, at the least, outwardly racist toward a POC. I personally have never seen or heard of a person being confronted or abused or called names because of the colour of their skin or cultural background. (here is an article written by my brother’s friend and former band mate, who is a black man that was adopted as a child, about his experiences in small town Canada, and his perspective on the BLM movement and the response of his white friends).

Anyway, I hope this sort of got my point across. Canada’s a complicated nation, like most. I didn’t touch on the base level, ‘why is canada a good place to immigrate’ points or anything, but I figure you would look that up before making such a big choice. And I’ve already spent 4 hours trying to write something coherent and somewhat researched to say...

Again, I encourage anyone to rb with their opinion or with anything I may have missed. Or send an ask or whatever.

#long post #political post #this is so all over the place I really tried to make it make sense

[scifinal]

DW s12e03 "Orphan 55" or The Importance of Not Conveying a Message

I swear this is not a Doctor Who fan blog - there's simply no denying that what DW has become as of now is a major and highly influential sci-fi franchise, and there's also no denying that last week I, regrettably, dedicated two days of my life to binging its, as of now, most recent season (and to think I could've been re-watching series D of Blake's 7 instead!), which, in turn, led me to doing what I've had in mind for quite some time now – creating this blog (and returning to tumblr, which I wasn't planning on doing). I wrote my review on the season's finale just yesterday, but there are plenty more things in this season that, I feel, need to be touched upon.

So, here I am, doing just that.

Part One: The Idea

Now, I ask you to imagine a story. Imagine a story in which a neglectful mother leaves her child and, as years go by, gets so overwhelmed with guilt she decides to give said child a gift hoping that maybe, just maybe, this gift will make up for that horrible thing she did years ago. The mother wants to give her child a literal world as a gift. So she picks a planet that nobody will ever claim, an orphan planet, and tries to raise money to afford terraforming it. She becomes a mother to an orphan planet in an attempt to become a mother to her orphan child.

This sounds like a beautiful story. It is a beautiful story.

Part Two: The Science

Doctor Who, which started out as an educational show for schoolkids, is, as of now, at heart, a space opera. There is nothing inherently bad in space operas: these are merely a subgenre of science fiction that focuses on relationships between its characters and social issues, with little to no regard or often at the expense of the "sci" in "sci-fi". Space operas can be beautiful. "Dark They Were, and Golden-Eyed", one of my favourite stories by Ray Bradbury, and one of my favourite short stories period is a space opera. "The Stainless Steel Rat" series by Harry Harrison is a space opera. "Ensign Flandry" by Poul Anderson is a space opera. I love them all.

The surprisingly hard thing with writing space operas is that you have to be careful with science. What I mean by that is that a writer behind a space opera project has to be careful with inventing his technobabble in case he faces a necessity of explaining something. The writer has to be careful and make his technobabble so illegible yet science-y that his audience has no choice but to roll with it, regardless of whether they have the faintest idea what the words the writer has used mean or not. The space opera technobabble has to sound science-y but otherwise has no business using scientific terms that might happen to make some sense to an audience member that happens to be slightly more educated than average and thus more perceptive of your nonsense (bonus points if what the writer has created is not as good as they themselves think it is and that slightly more educated audience member has already gotten so tired of The Work that they unintentionally begin to catch more factual mistakes than they would had the author not oversuspended their disbelief), because at that point...

...Science Says "Hello, I'm Still Here!" (Part Three)

The third episode of the twelfth season of Doctor Who gave its seemingly made-up term "orphan planet" a very clear definition: a previously habitable world that, through processes which may vary in nature, has become unable of supporting sentient, if any at all, life. Here's an excerpt from the Doctor Who fan wiki:

Again, a fairly clear definition.

Except...

"Orphan planet" is an actual scientific term. There are many synonymous terms used to describe it, but, basically, an orphan planet is a planet that doesn't belong to a star system and travels on its own. Here's an excerpt from Wikipedia (I do realise that it isn't a reliable source, but in this case this actually is a correct definition):

And this isn't a rare term, either. In fact, the concept of a rogue, or orphan, planet is fairly common in science fiction – a strange cold, inhospitable world, incapable of supporting life, travelling through the vast cosmos all on its own, fearsome and unpredictable.

Now, why the difference between two definitions of an otherwise well-known occurrence?

Because the story I asked you to imagine in the beginning of this post wasn't enough.

Part Four: The Need for Relevance

There's no arguing that, in some way or another, every piece of media captures the time its creator lives in through the lense of their worldview. It might be obvious in things like clothing, technology, or societal constructs they, the author, perceive as normal or abnormal. There is no arguing that every piece of media ages, and no arguing that most media produced for mass audiences has to be relevant. And science fiction set in the future, surprisingly enough for some, is not an exception; more than that, it may even age worse than other genres as technology develops beyond what creators of science fiction of the past could possibly imagine.

One way of compensating that aging is creating an ever-relevant story. The reason the original trilogy of Star Wars still stands despite its dated effects and tech is not only that it's set in an alien world, but also that it tells a fairly simple story that is bound to be relatable for years to come: it's a journey a hero sets on to right the wrongs. The reason the original Star Trek is good after all these years despite its dated, er, everything technical is that its themes are relatable, its morals are clear, its characters – well-defined. Blake's 7 is wonderful (I mean, this is the third or fourth time I'm mentioning this fairly little-known show in two posts, it should be clear that I love it) not only because of its cheesy British-TV-sci-fi-show-shoestring-budget effects, late-70s-future-fashion outfits charm and well-done models, but because of its clear idea that's bound to last for ages: there will always be an oppressor, there will always be the oppressed, there will always be those who resist the existing regime.

But creating a story with a long-lasting theme is not the only way to being appreciated. We live in an era of information, and we live in an era of that information being at our fingertips, and we also live in an era in which, as always, people want to make profit. Fast profit.

And a much easier way of making profit is not making a story that will last forever, but a relevant story, a story with which its intended audience will resonate right now and not over a prolonged period of time.

This is the time for us to again return to the story I asked you to imagine in the beginning. That story is timeless. Its themes will last as long as there are orphans in the world, and as long as there are neglectful parents, and as long as guilt exists. It's a good story.

But people want more profit than a story that is merely good can make. People want a good story that is also currently relevant.

And so they add a currently relevant theme to it.

Part 4: Additions Have Got to Be Made

There's nothing inherently wrong with adding a new theme to your already existing storyline: it may lead to exploring new depths you didn't expect would open up. The problem arises when said theme is nothing but pandering and is there only to admit the existence of something so the audience can say "I know about this thing that they've mentioned", as if that gives them a figurative gold star, and get back to their business, satisfied that some story they connected with acknowledged a problem that they feel something about. This is pandering.

Now, what does this have to do with the two different definitions of one term and that story?

Part Five: Here's What I Think Is the Problem

I don't think that at the early stages of writing the screenplay for "Orphan 55" DW's definition of the term "orphan planet" was all that different from what an orphan planet actually is. On the contrary, I think the person who first pitched the story did have in mind actual interstellar objects – otherwise they would've devised a new term for uninhabitable planets; besides, almost everything in the episode makes sense without an orphan planet being a once inhabitable world. I also believe that this change was thrown in towards the end of writing the actual script, because then it would probably be written in a way that allows the idea of their version of an orphan planet to be more developed. So why did they, in my opinion, even add that?

You guessed it. Pandering. My best guess is that the higher-ups wanted to throw something "hip" into the story, to add something "relevant", because they wanted a bigger resonance and thus a more profitable episode. And what could be more relevant that the fact that we, the humanity, have kind of screwed our planet up and now everybody's talking about this?

This is the reason they've changed the definition of a pre-existing term. It's not that they wanted to make a statement: they wanted to make money. It's not that they wanted to raise awareness: they wanted to raise their profits. The message wasn't intended as a warning directed towards people who may not know or do not care about the subject: it was a corporation pandering towards those who already agree with it.

It hurts me to write this; I genuinely want to believe this isn't the case. I genuinely want to believe that the addition was made by some well-meaning script editor – but I can't. We live in a world in which corporations can and do use important messages as a means to profit off of people's beliefs. The optimistic option just isn't that probable.

And in the End...

Imagine a flower. Imagine a tender flower on a small flowerbed; a beautiful flower, carefully tended to, lovingly grown, a flower that will bloom for a long time. And next to it, a bigger, more colourful one, a flower that grabs your attention, but only for a short moment – and for no other reason that its life is so short. The big flower will wither, and it will wither soon, and the small one will go unnoticed simply because it's not as bright, and not as big... but it is beautiful when you notice it, and it will bring a smile to your face when you notice it again.

That story about a mother, her child, and a planet was a good story, but its theme about being an orphan wasn't what grabbed the viewer's attention: it was the blunt message about saving our habitat, and it distracted from the actual plot and its own underlying theme.

Your story is your flowerbed. A bright and resonating theme will live on for only as long as it stays popular, for as long as the public is interested in it, and the second that interest is lost, your flowerbed of a story dies with it. If that was your intent – you did well. But if you tend to your garden for the future generations to see, don't make it about here and now, make it about everywhere. Make it about always. Make it so the bright and eye-catching, and short-lived isn't what people know your garden for.

#doctor who #doctor who review #thirteenth doctor #critique #review #spilled thoughts #long reads #long post #sci fi #sci fi review

[asmallbirdinmayy]

I'm not sure why I haven't posted anything here yet since this world craziness started... Normally I would have bombarded it with posts everyday and such.

This social distancing is my life style, so I've been doing pretty okay better than most unfortunatly. Thank you Tumblr, and hours of scrolling for preparing me for this moment in time!

I've been filling my days with video games, reading and trying to force myself out for runs. I've helped my mum clean the house. (She has a bad back and would end up killing myself if I didn't go over every once in a while to help out)

I've also recently shaved my head! Finally, I've wanted to do it for years to see what I'd look like and to get rid of the years of dying it and hairstyle frustrations. I like it, but some days I get self conscious and don't end up going for runs. But maybe I'm just using that as an excuse and I'm just hella laazy!

It's a learning curve for sure, I've been reading a lot of philosophy lately and listening to the philosophize this podcast for the past year now so I've been trying to work on myself, thinking more and trying to meditate and gain self confidence and just be able to help myself help others. If that makes sense? Anyway, cutting off all your hair really helps practice Stoicism. There's no instant regrowth, and my hair takes longer to grow out than normal people.

I do love myself, a hella a lot more than I used to. There's nothing I wouldn't change, and I think that mind set alone has been what gets me out the door more often for runs and wanting to take care of my body and mind!!

I've also been cooking more, to save on money and because I'm not a huge advocate for waste being delivered to my door. I have had breakdowns however, I did it twice, I've ordered breakfast for myself to help me get up earlier and to get better coffee. Because the Maxwell can is not working out for me, and it's so gross, its taking me forever to get through it! I'll still drink it though, because, caffeine! Hello.

Back to cooking more! I've been mostly making mashed potatoes and what nots, but I'll occasionally make a vegan grilled cheese or have vegan hot dogs! I've made some pasta, quinoa and lately before bed I'll get a chia bowl ready to set while I sleep. That's pretty healthy and delicious. I've made terrible pancakes, I accidently got the whole wheat flour rather than the other stuff, soo that wasn't a fun mistake. Alas, no waste, so I have to make it into things!

I also signed up for a sustainable cities online course, lots of reading, but it was on sale. If anything it'll help me plan imaginary cities better in my head and I'll be able to put it on resumes. So level up?

I've re arranged my living room so I can easily switch between laptop and PlayStation without having to get up for any reason! +40 laziness. Aha. Fun.

Cats bombard with with attention and cuddles All. The. Damn. Time. I thought cats were supposed to not care and be independent and stuffs. Not my cats, noo. I wake up pinned, cat by my head, in the curve of my back and on my feet! If I'm laying on my back xews will be on my chest. Like hello! Let me breathe. They follow me to the bathroom, and to the couch! My couch is tiny, and all three of them find a little spot and take up all the space. It's hard to take notes! Anyway. I love them, I love their cuddles I'll never take them for granted and I'll always be like okai in the lap you go! It's nice playing a videogame with your cats stretching their paw onto your paw!. #catmum

Works been telling me the new opening day is July 3rd.. July 3rd two more months of this madness. I'm okay with it though, I'll hopefully finish the online course and get out for more runs! I've signed up the the social distancing run thing, I'm hoping to do a 10k for it!

Our government is all over the place about everything, and its making people crazy! There's lies, uncertainty questions unanswered. There's conspiracies left and right and I don't know which ones to believe. I mean some seem drastic and obviously crazier than others. I'm just not politically educated enough for this. But what if they're true to? I dunno, I've been watching a lot of things and reading stuff of history and stuffs and theirs some people that end up being corrected and proven right when people thought they were insane ? And yea people are just crazy and have their crazy thoughts. I dunno. I just want to have a back seat, and I mean my first and foremost fight is with nature, so my bias towards anything will be on how it affects the future of how we live with nature. If that makes sense? I could go on and on about this part, but this part makes me the most unwary and depressed honestly. I've been crying for days about this and where I stand, I've always been one to stand with the people. But which people? My brain hurts. I'm a sheep guys. I'm a sheep. I'm just a very lost sheeple.

People that I know from South Africa sent me a message saying that they were starving and asked for help, I wasn't sure what to do. I sent them some money, but I don't have much to give. I hope it'll be enough to get them by for a couple of days! I haven't heard from her since? So I don't know?

Anyways.

I haven't heard from my possibly future school yet about the upcoming semester and what to do, am I still able to go? Are they going to be opened by end of August? Will I be allowed to travel to another province? I'll wait till the end of May to send an email and find out! I am not doing that course online, I have a hard enough time motivating myself to do this current baby course. And I really want to do well in this course if I get there! It was a whole thing guys.

Before all this started I had started therapy, volunteering for the theater and taekwando. I'm really sad that i haven't been able to take part in these new hobbies. I had the chance to volunteer for the opening of the wizard of oz production before all the other shows at the theater got cancelled. It was amazing. Maybe I'll be able to do something similar while I'm in Vancouver. I only had one beginning trial class for taekwando, I'm slightly sad because by the time it reopens I'll probably be heading to Vancouver and won't be able to attend.

Cancelling therapy was the hardest, I had just started after years and years of being afraid to go for many reasons. I only got two sessions in before having to stop due to being laid off. But it's okay, because I still have my writing as my therapy. I end up asking the questions to myself while writing. I've read a lot of psychology, well not a lot, but a good amount. But the extra help and guidance was nice. I learned new terminology that applied to myself and my childhood and a couple other things that I'm able to sit back and acknowledge during meditations.

It was like I was finally getting out more, trying to fix myself, trying to go meet new friends and say hello to the world. And then the world was like nah. Back to social distancing! Kay, thaanks.

The last three or so days I've felt a little pull back into myself and I couldn't motivate myself lately. I think a large part of it was due to an argument I had with my mother, and the political drama that's been going on lately.

Wanting to go on runs or outside to enjoy the chilly sunny day has been a struggle, when it hasn't been I'm a while. I was playing ESO with a couple friends when all of a sudden all I wanted to do was just lay on the couch, curl up with my eyes closed and just bleh. I listening to the ESO music for a while and remembered that I haven't wrote anything in a long while on Tumblr or anywhere. So here I am, returning to my old therapy just writing my garbage thoughts to replace them with happier more motivated ones. It's sort of working, we'll see how the day goes.

All in all, I'm okay, my family is okay. And only time will tell what craziness is next for this year!

If anyone read this far down, first of all thank you. You're probably someone that I love! Love you <3 and I hope you're also doing well, and staying safe!!!

#xews #sleep #thoughts #personal #me #writings #writing #therapy

[allisonawakened]

Thank you for the answer about free will, it's something that has really bothered me lately, I've always believed in free will but certain things like when people talk about karma and astrology that confuses me a lot but I'm not sure I believe in karma anyway except just consequences and thought cycles and patterns. Could I also ask what play astrology has to do with this if free will is a thing and astrology is very fixed? Especially Vedic astrology, or their beliefs about astrology. Thank you!

( part 2 ) Oh and I must say that I’ve started to get a weird feeling when I focus on certain things, it’s like I’m more aware of how things I do everyday interact with my past and present and how my focus could really change my personality and who I am in the long run. It’s very subtle energies but at the same time very powerful bc right now I’m making decisions and needing to plan a bit for the future and you’re kinda right it’s a bit like a web or different tunnels of energies connected to

( part 3 )connected to each other and the more you focus on one thing instead of another I can kinda feel the consciousness and possibilities line up to a different path. I think that must have to do kinda with me being led by spirit or my intuition just because I have so many choices to make rn since I just graduated. Sorry for the long asks and thank you for the work you do on this blog, it’s very helpful and I need to get a reading from you as soon as a get a job haha won’t be long I hope😊🙃

Hi, Hi, Hi!

You are so very welcome for my last answer re: Free Will. It’s why I’m here and do this. What I don’t know from personal experience, I ask Spirit about. And sometimes not even my own Spirit Guides - but any Spiritual Allies floating about that are willing to engage in real, honest, thought-provoking conversation.

You ask some really compelling Spiritual things. 

And a long Ask = an even longer Answer ;)

So I’ve answered your questions in 3 sections below:

Astrology & Free Will

Vedic Astrology… Say What?

Psychic Awareness While Living: Healthy or Not?

Note (for those following along at home): I do reference some concepts previously discussed in [ My Post / Answer about Whether I Believe in Free Will, and Why / Why Not ] …. If you are arriving late to the party (and happen to find this interesting), I suggest you read through that first.

* Keep Reading to learn more about the relationship between Astrology & Free Will, my channelled thoughts on Vedic Astrology, as well as how Psychic Awareness & Abilities can Influence How we Choose to Live / Behave *

Astrology & Free Will

I can read Astrology. I know a fair amount about it. It’s more of a hobby / personal interest of mine. I also offer reads on my website on the basis of different planetary and zodiac energies, but I am so very NOT a self-proclaimed “Expert” in that field. So my answer is based on personal opinion, experiences with Spirit, and channelling happening right now as I invite Spirit in to discuss this.

I see Astrology (as a method of reading, learning more about people & situations) like a similar Spiritual Study & (ultimately) Spiritual Tool - used to seek / flush out information about the self. This to me is really similar to how I also see other Spiritual Studies / Tools - like: Numerology & Palmistry.

There is a reason why practicing Astrology is called, “Charting”. I see it exactly as that. A chart of the position of planets at the time of your birth, determining which Houses & Zodiac Signs influence (energetically) the planets’ relative positions in your Chart (upon birth). And therefore, likely characteristics, personality traits, motivating factors, and emotional responses you may (or - to be fair - may not) possess in your life.

So (in my opinion) a Natal Birth Chart is like an energetic Road Map of YOU, based on the measurement of the relative position of the Planets & Zodiac signs.

Just like how - the sum total of the numbers associated with your Name or Birthdate (Numerology), is like an energetic Road Map of YOU, based on the energetic / symbolic significance of each Number in relation to your “Life Path” Number, “Soul” Number, “Destiny” Number, “Personality” Number, and other significant numbers in your life.

Just like how - the markings on your Palm (Palmistry), are like an energetic Road Map of YOU, based on the measurement of your “Life Line”, “Head Line”, “Heart Line”, “Planetary Mounds”, and other such markings.

Although each of these methods, in turn, are super cool, interesting, unique, and compelling… They are as I said: Road Maps.

Much like how we Map our planet, we see Maps everyday, we use Google Maps (GPS), just because we are aware of the information of where we could possibly go / travel to in life DOES NOT MEAN we will see & visit everywhere we have seen on a map or even heard of.

There are things in our Natal Charts - connected to Astrology - that will resonate and make sense / help you to identify & define yourself, your motives, your actions, your emotions, your behaviours… But just because you have that Natal Chart DOES NOT MEAN you will experience and behave *exactly* like everything that has been charted out for you.

That’s where, in my opinion, these schools of thought are tools for us to better know ourselves. But at the end of the day we still have Free Will and possess the ability to choose / decide all aspects of ourselves and our lives - WITH or WITHOUT the added information of our Astrology / Natal Chart, Numerology, or Palmistry.

They may serve to fill in some blanks for us, but they do not pre-determine how we will think, act, feel, behave, or CHOOSE in our life.

Side Note:

I have a client that is a Professional Astrologer. And when reading with them they fully admit to me “Yes, what you say from Spirit is true based on what I’ve already Charted for myself… But I wish to act *outside* of what I’ve Charted. So what does Spirit have to say about that?” ***

*** This is me paraphrasing / glossing over what has been said, as my sessions with clients are confidential.

Vedic Astrology… Say What?

Okay so Full Disclosure (because I’m super honest and don’t know how to be anything other than that): 

I have no idea what Vedic Astrology is. I am curious though.

So I’m going to do a quick Google for the definition of that and see what Spirit has to say…

* 3 Minutes Pass *

OHHHHHH.

So Vedic Astrology is… Astrology. But traditional Hindu / Indian Astrology. And it seems to be most focused on Charting / Mapping for the purpose of determining one’s “Destiny”.

Gotcha.

Note: If I’ve butchered that quick-3-minute-Google-dive explanation, I do so thoroughly apologize AND encourage you to write in to *lovingly* provide further information not only for myself, but those that read my blog.

Spirit is showing me that Charting one’s “Destiny” via a Vedic Astrology Reading is no different than what I do as a Psychic Medium when I tell my clients what I see for them in the future (via my Clairvoyant & Clairaudient abilities - visions & spoken word from Spirit).

And Spirit goes further to say (as soon as I’ve typed that up) - “Yea, that’s pretty close Allison”.

So rather than speaking about Vedic Astrology at this point (something I don’t know / practice) - I’m going to switch over to speak about reading the future as a Psychic Medium (something I do know / practice)… Because Spirit has given me the “Green Light” to say that the two are comparable, in terms of the end goal / achievement (pre-determining one’s future). The means though (technique) could not be ANYMORE different ;)

So as a Psychic Medium when I read the future I am reading the highest possible likelihoods / probable events (think Statistical Maths for a second here), based on who you are, how you behave, and the decisions (Free Will) you are enacting in your life right now (so in maths - the “known variables”).

I imagine in Vedic Astrology, the Astrologer is Charting your highest possible / probable “Destiny”, based on your Natal Birth Chart AND the predicted trajectory of the Planets through each of the Astrological Houses & associated Zodiac signs - something that is mathematically pre-determined.

I feel like I’m speaking a lot of jargon here.

BASICALLY. The words that are most important that I just typed are: HIGHEST POSSIBLE LIKELIHOODS, HIGHEST PROBABLE EVENTS, HIGHEST POSSIBLE “DESTINY”.

As with Statistical Maths, there are outliers. Or rather, DATA THAT CANNOT BE ACCOUNTED FOR OR CHARTED. 

In Psychology you would maybe say that: “Past Behaviour predicts Future Behaviour”. 

Key Words: Predicts! Does not guarantee.

So the way I see it [ WITH HEAPING AMOUNTS OF HELP FROM SPIRIT ] is that Vedic Astrology, or even what I do as a Psychic Medium (when consulting Spirit about a client’s future), is really our “best educated guess” about your future or “destiny” based on your past (or in Vedic Astrology - your Natal Birth Chart & the predicated future position of the planets relative to the Astrological Houses & associated Zodiac signs). 

The past - by the way - is something that is Linear. It’s happened. Everything is known to you (and Spirit). The only unknowns are thoughts, decisions, motivators, behaviours, emotions, etc. of those around you that may have at one point or another, influenced your life.

The future - as I said in my post about “Free Will” - is a web of potential.

So can Vedic Astrology influence / supersede Free Will?

In my opinion… No.

Just because something is charted / calculated / psychically determined, doesn’t mean it will *actually* happen in that exact way.

YOU are the “unknown” variable in that equation. Or rather, your Free Will. 

You can choose at any time to turn Left instead of Right. 

Even if your map, your GPS, your significant other, your family, or every other variable in your life point towards turning Right. You still have the ability to *randomly* turn Left.

Psychic Awareness While Living: Healthy or Not?

Ever heard of the phrase:  “Too much of a good thing”?

That’s how I see this Spiritual / Psychic stuff.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s so-so-so amazing. I love my gifts. I love being able to know things / see things / hear things. I love getting “insider” information about my life, my loved ones’ lives, and the world.

BUT.

But, but, but…

Knowing more, feeling more, sensing more… Well that’s not always the *best* thing.

It also reminds me of that phrase: “Ignorance is bliss”

Sometimes knowing less can be best.

When you are (what we now call in the New Age community) “Awake” to the world around you. Spiritually Aware that your are 100% a Spiritual Being / Entity having a Human Experience…

When you are in tune with your Psychic / Intuitive abilities, you work with them, your use them (or… they use you)…

Well when those things happen… Very quickly you may start feeling *extremely* small, in this world, this universe, all universes. And you realize the space around you IS SO FREAKING, BEYOND, BIG. LIKE, BIGGER THAN EVEN THIS. LIKE, BIGGER THAN EVEN ALL OF THE CAP LOCKS IN THE WORLD.

And when that happens. You. Start. Questioning. EVERYTHING.

Not just one thing. Not just teeny weeny things. But.. EVERY. POSSIBLE. THING.

When you possess these gifts and know how to use them?

Well then you: obsess about the past

“what could have been different”

“where would you be now if you have chosen this instead of that?”

“who would you be if he / she / they had treated you differently?”

“who would you be if he / she / they had RAISED you differently?”

“where would you be know if you knew then what you know now”

Etc…

And you also: obsess about the future

“I want *this thing* but what is the best way for me to achieve *that thing*?”

“How will I know when I need to go for *that thing*?”

“Is *perfect timing* even a thing? How will I know?”

“Could there be something I’m doing now that’s actually holding me back?”

“What if I’m working so hard to *do this thing* right now, when it actually won’t even *give me that thing*?”

Etc…

Then the unfortunate outcome of all of that obsession about the Past & Future results in:

Being so, ridiculously, terrifyingly, hopelessly STUCK in the Present.

SO THE SECRET IS:

Please, please, please let me tell you the secret to this…

What I learned a very long time ago is this:

Listen. Receive. Feel. Sense. Gather & Know more information than everyone else that is still “Asleep”. 

Do that. Actively engage in your Sixth Senses. Connect to your Spiritual Allies. Embrace the incredible, amazing, awesomeness that is you & your potential.

Do that. Be that. But then take all of that extra information and THROW ALL OF IT OUT OF THE WINDOW.

IGNORE IT.

Let it come into your awareness, and right back out again.

Because although there is this super-awesome, Psychically-aware, spiritually-savvy, version of yourself. That Spiritual Being / Entity I mentioned earlier.

Although there is her / him / them.

There is also You. The Human Being version of You that is actively living (right. the. frick. now.) this *sometimes heart-rending & emotionally turbulent* Human Experience.

So… Psychic Awareness While Living: Healthy or Not?

Not so much. 

But you can change that with that Free Will of yours… By choosing which messages from Spirit you allow to influence your day-to-day thoughts, behaviour, emotions & actions.

Believe me when I say that this takes practice. It’s easier for some than others. But when you get the hang of it, all of the over-obsessing will be like flies buzzing around your head. Psychic / Intuitive insights that you are aware of but see as things OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF. Energies *you can choose* to feed into, or… (and this is WAY more healthy)… IGNORE.

#free will #astrology #numerology #palmistry #living as a psychic #what it's like to be psychic #destiny #fate #intuitive development #spiritual development #let's figure this out #channeled message #channeling #let's ask Spirit #how i deal #how i deal with life #over obsess #over analyze #let it go #disconnect #tune it out #ignorance is bliss #less is more

[ellyzsx]

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

[the-courage-to-heal]

How does a narcissist/sociopath feel when you are ignoring them? I've come to terms recently that I was indeed with someone who was borderline a sociopath/narcissist, and they moved on so quickly to someone else.

I’m sorry to hear that you were unlucky enough to find yourself in a relationship with one of these abusers, but I’m glad that you were able to realize the truth. I think the way a narcissist or psychopathic individual will respond to being ignored largely depends on whether or not the relationship ended on their terms.

Narcissists and psychopaths will idealize their partner at the beginning of a relationship; during this time period they can be very intense, and even obsessive. If the target ends things during the height of idealization this would be a great wound to the narcissist or psychopaths ego. In situations like this narcissistic and psychopathic abusers will often stalk their partners, or bombard them with undesired attempts at reconciliation. This can be misconstrued as deep unrequited love, but in reality it’s them trying to prove they’re good enough to get you back. It’s ultimately about their ego, not true affection.

There is also another scenario that can commonly play out in these types of relationships. Psychopathic and narcissistic individuals hold their partner to idealized and unrealistic standards at the beginning of their relationships. When the victim inevitably fails to live up to these fantasies of perfection, they are swiftly knocked off the pedestal they were placed on. This is called devaluation. Narcissistic and psychopathic personalities may begin to engage in more overt abuse at this point in the relationship, and will often drive their partners away with such poor treatment. Many victims will stay with their abuser in the vain hope that the brief honeymoon phase they experienced will return, but they are subjected to escalating abuse. Often when the victim finds the strength to leave they find they are swiftly replaced with someone else. This can be heartbreaking to deal with.

Narcissists simply need someone to inflate their ego. They are an addict in constant need of a “fix.” Their drug of choice is constant and unwavering attention. This is called “narcissistic supply.” The average person may enjoy attention or validation but the narcissist actually needs it in order to maintain his delusions of superiority. Significant others can be swapped in and out whenever necessary. The only really important thing is that they have a steady stream of attention. Psychopaths have a more fixed identity that isn’t as nearly dependent on others, but they are also capable of moving on with what can be devastating swiftness. They largely view relationships as a mean to an end, and if they feel you have lost your usefulness they will often dump you and move on without a second thought.

At the end of the day you’re lucky to have gotten away from this person. They will repeat this cycle in all of his future relationships, but you can move forward and build something real. Remember, education is one of the greatest tools to prevent re-victimization. I hope this helps a little, if you have any other questions please feel free to write in any time!