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donaidk · 3 years

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False Confidence - Chapter Eight

This chapter is a bit something else... I wont spoil everything right here but one thing I'm gonna say is I have been rethinking this one a lot, probably even over thinking. In the end it stayed the same and I didn't change much than how I wrote it first. Hope you guys will enjoy it 🧡🤗

TW: stupid ass interviewers, sexism, car crash

Inspiration song

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Chapter Seven | You’re here | Chapter Nine

“ Lando, wait. ” I stepped away from the table where Dan was sitting, to catch up to him before I would lose sight of him again. “ Have you… seen my text? ” I asked him, catching up and stopping right in front of him so he wouldn’t just leave me hanging as he did yesterday and the day before.

“ The one you sent while enjoying a night out with a friend, while you just dropped me from going there a day or two prior? ” He asked me, pocketing both of his hands and only looking down at me when he was sure I wouldn’t let him step away. “ Yes. I did. ” He gave the answer to my question although it was rather confusing than explaining.

“ You know why that happened. It wasn’t just my decision. ” I shook my head immediately, not really understanding what he was so wound up about. “ I still wanted to apologize for how I acted since the start. It wasn’t fair as you did nothing to deserve it. It just wasn’t as easy as I hoped it would be. ” I added with a sigh, still looking up at him, although his gaze did not soften one bit.

“ It’s not only you, who has to go through this season. ” He rolled his eyes, already turning away from me. “ Maybe you would realise if you spent time with others too. ” Lando added before turning his back to me and leaving the room through another door. I needed a few seconds to get back to reality and just walk back to my seat.

His reaction wasn’t exactly what I imagined, even though he never really answered my text or never came up to me for a chat. Knowing I did everything to try and correct my mistakes I didn’t let my brain linger on it too much, forcing myself back to the conversation all the team members were having around me. For the rest of the night I mostly stayed at our table, not catching any glimpses of Lando or his immediate crew who I could talk to, which was probably better this way. By the time we called it a night and went back to our rooms I was thankful about how tired my body was. For once it finally didn’t fight me over falling asleep, and instead of letting my mind run on two times speed I finally could get the sufficient amount of sleep for a race day.

Setting my alarm a bit later was the only positive about the first half of the day. My mood was quite average, right until Dan and I had to wait in Lando’s close proximity to breakfast, the awkward atmosphere around us feeling like an irritating itch under my skin, and also seeing several of the reporters who made my life hell once already, listed on the sheet of paper for our pre-race press conference. Usually I could get away with just a few stupid questions, but seeing the amount of names that made me shiver I knew it will be a fierce session. A week ago I would have swallowed the sour pill that represented their prying questions, but since the talk I had with Susie I promised myself they wouldn’t get to play me again.

“ Why are we actually doing these? I just wanna go and drive. “ I puffed out angrily, standing next to Daniel who tried to hold me in one place so my toxic energy wouldn’t spread to everyone. Even though I had every right to feel like this. I could feel my blood boil at the thought of getting asked a bunch of stupid questions in a row. It wouldn’t be the first, nor the last time it happens but I just knew that if today is just a repeat of last time I won’t have enough patience to deal with them.

“ Well, it’s part of our job. You have to give something back to the fans. ” Daniel answered, pulling me back by my arm when I tried to leave, again. “ Winola… just stay, please? ” He turned towards me with his full body and I sighed, giving up. I didn’t care about fighting with Cyril anymore, but Daniel was someone I didn’t want to hurt. He didn’t deserve it.

I decided to stay silent, and keep my fuming to myself for the remainder of our wait, letting Dan finally relax a little. I have been an asshole to anyone since we met up in the morning, as I knew this event was coming up on our schedule for today. By every race the press conferences always got harsher and harsher towards me. They didn’t care if I was showing potential in the previous races or maybe had a bad day and didn’t score points, it was always just plain old bad. It always started off sweet with actually intelligent questions, then something clicked and they all turned into brainless cows, making me dread every question they sent towards me. Watching back the videos of them made me cringe even harder as I could see that everyone around me knew how sexist all the questions were, but they couldn’t do anything. Or more like they didn't want to do anything. Who would get beef going with the media for someone like me? It wasn’t worth it.

“ Just try… not blowing up on them. They’re idiots who don’t deserve to see you in pain. You’re stronger than that. ” He added when the big doors opened up and a lady dressed in pretty elegant clothing invited us inside. I swear her mouth twitched for a second when her eyes landed on me, but she made sure no one else would spot it. I rolled my eyes as we stepped inside and I could spot several of the interviewers who gave me hell the last couple of times already.

I sat down in one of the Renault chairs reluctantly, feeling Daniel’s reassuring touch on the small of my back, although it didn’t help much. I let out a deep sigh as I put on the little microphone and really focused on remembering it’s on me, so I wouldn’t just whisper something into it, that I didn’t want them to hear. I looked at my team mate once more before fully turning forward and waited for all the questions. Luckily they didn’t start with me so I had some time to let all the steam slowly leave me, so I could react to their irritating questionnaire with a cooler head. I even managed to get a tiny little smile on when the boys were joking around, but as soon as I heard my name it faded and I concentrated back on the host. The first one or two were actually usable, real questions, surprising me and even catching me off guard a little. Just as I started relaxing the man who put me through hell during the last event, was called on.

“ Thank you! My question will be for Williams. ” He started making me huff and I saw from the corner of my eye as Daniel shifted in his seat. “ As the season is approaching the end some of us wanted to see a little more behind your decision of signing for Renault. Did you consider others, maybe Racing Point as they have just the car for you thanks to their ’pink’ sponsor? We even had a bet, that I lost, that you would choose them. ” He looked at me with a cocky smile, making me consider manslaughter for a second.

“ I considered every team who gave me a deal. Renault was the first of course, thanks to me being part of their Academy. Also, usually I like to choose by looking into their performance and also seeing what the deal would mean for my career. Guess the color of the livery doesn’t really affect those aspects. ” I surprised myself how coolly I reacted to his shit question and even had enough courage to give him a little smile. “ So no. I didn’t consider going to Racing Point because of their pink car. I think Szafnauer is quite happy with having Pérez and Stroll in his team. ” I added, looking at the mentioned guys for a second and I could see as Lance fought the laugh that wanted to bubble out of him.

My style did shut him up luckily and even if he would have liked to ask another question we had a time limit and had to sadly get to the next guy as he froze in his spot. As the next one was asked from the Red Bull team I dared a look at Daniel for a second and I saw the proud smile on his face that my quite analytic answer caused. I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from saying anything and just rather turned back forwards so I could listen to the others until it was back to me again.

“ Yes, as we saw some quite hair raising moments in the last races and even over the years we usually love to see how people in the drivers’ bubbles wish them luck and sit through the races with crossed fingers. We know most of your little circles already but with new drivers every year we’re always curious to get to know their loved ones. ” He started and I already knew this would be about my romantic background. “ Winola, can you let us in on who’s the one that’s fearing for you at home or maybe in the garage, while you battle with these gentlemen on track? ” He turned to me, waiting for my answer and completely ignoring the other drivers who were new to the championship.

For a second I just sat there contemplating how I should respond. “ Well, my family members do watch most of my races but sadly they can’t really travel with me right now. Although, during the last race my mum tried reaching me on FaceTime while I was doing my last lap around the track in free practice. I remember her calling me in the evening again and saying ‘That man, with the big teeth, is so intimidating!’. So if they never come out to a race in the future it’s gonna be because of Daniel. ” I deflected but just couldn’t get the usual masking smile on my face. My private life will always be a sensitive spot for me since the times when fans started a new rumour like everyday if I dared to talk a word to one of the guys that day. Luckily Dan’s and the others’ laugh got them to forget about me not actually answering the question.

“ And also, if you don’t mind me asking one more. ” He tried to get back everyone’s attention, and I almost simply said that I would actually mind. Sadly my sweeter side won and I kept my mouth shut. “ Every one of us has harder days but we all know it can get a little harder for females on certain days during the month. How do you cope with that during these weekends? ” He actually made me almost drop my chin while I looked at him. For a second I was silent, trying to grasp the situation and that he did actually dare to ask something like that in front of 19 guys and even more watching us.

“ I mean, everyone with the minimum amount of brain cells can probably figure out how we deal with it. Mostly I stay focused because I’m here to do my job which includes machines that could end me or anyone else in a millisecond. I don’t think it would matter how I or any other female athlete copes with something like that. ” I pressed on the word female as I always hated if they mentioned me as that instead of a woman or anything less discriminating. Although, there were people for whom it didn’t matter which one they used, it felt like daggers into your side anyway.

Luckily I got a little break from questions so I could collect myself, as the last one really sent me for a spinner. It wasn even that bad of a question, it was just worded so immaturely. In a world where we were fighting for others to not make anything about normal women things disgusting, people like him just held us back and made it even harder. No one would think anyway else about us if they wouldn’t accentuate parts of womanhood like he did. It was just irresponsible and disgusting to ask something like this in a live interview, in a sport where 90% of the athletes and fans were male. In my anger I wanted to get my hands busy as I realised I was picking at my skin as I usually did when I was anxious and rather opened the water bottle in front of me so I could get a sip from it.

“ Winola, could you tell us a little about how you get ready for races? And also if there are any differences in your gear than for example Ricciardo’s that was hard to get used to. ” One man from the back asked, getting me back from my thoughts and for a second I thought I would get an actual question, but I quickly got disappointed.

“ I don’t really know what you mean by differences. I mean I just hope you don’t want me to say the ‘oh yeah, well I wear bras and can’t really just change in front of everyone, as the guys always do’ monologue. That would be a waste of a question as everyone knows the differences between our equipment. ” I furrowed my brows at him and couldn’t help my next comment. “ Or maybe you just didn’t see anyone like that yet and didn’t know. I’m actually sorry if that’s the case. ” I leaned back in my chair, feeling quite naked in front of everyone’s eyes after that question, while the room went silent for a second, before the host quickly got another question going.

I was almost at the point of just exploding and couldn’t understand how they couldn’t see my frustration in connection with all of their ideas of questions. Or maybe they saw it they just didn’t care because they only thought about the money my answers would bring them. I wouldn’t actually be surprised. But at the point where if looks could have killed I would have been a serial killer, someone still dared standing up, calling me by my first name and continuing their stupid interrogation. I lost the remainder of my cool at his first words.

“ How do you, as a woman, deal with all the strategies? Isn’t it difficult for you to understand them and at the same time remember all the buttons on the steering wheel? ” He finished up, while I knew my head was getting redder and redder until I probably looked like a proper tomato.

“ I don’t know what some people think about us. Are we considered stupid just because we have more fat on our chest and higher voices or what is it? Because I come here after completing the minimum level of education someone should get and I’m just dumbfounded by these questions?! I never thought of myself as a genius, but among you I actually think most of the F1 drivers and I possess some kind of a superpower to be actual decent human beings. ” I looked at him, completely letting go of my self control. “ You know, I was scared everyone, maybe even my team mate, would look down on me just because of my gender. But the only group of people who make my career here hell are you guys who can only think of the money these answers will get you. You make everyone think of women like toys and tools you can use, just because you want to make your pockets heavier. ” I added standing up the next second. “ Is there anyone who is here from a proper sport publication and wants to ask me a question about the race or the sport? Because I think we had enough of the usual Playboy and Celeb Story questions. ” I added looking around for someone to answer my question now but no one dared speaking up. “ Then sorry, but I won’t take part in this anymore. Thank you for the few actually thought out questions. Bye. ” I ripped the mic off myself before taking my water bottle and leaving the room as my manager already opened the door for me. He knew there was no chance of stopping me.

“ We have about two hours before the start. I’ll have to talk with Cyril and the team, you just try to stay away from any camera or TV presentator. ” He gave me my phone and AirPods while we walked through the hallway that led us to the paddocks. “ They won’t be happy with today, but I’m sure they will understand in a bit of time. ” He sighed out, making me shake my head.

“ Well, I’m not happy with the last couple of weeks either. ” I shrugged, plugging my ears before I said anything wrong to the people I actually cared about. Even though I loved them, in moments like these my anger was just over a level where it didn’t matter who was in front of me, I would make them feel like hell. I exited the building with my head hanging lower as I saw all the photographers outside, who were all surprised to see someone leave so early.

The first time I could relax a little bit was when I stepped inside my own room, locking the door on myself, and laid down on the massage bed. I knew probably no one would need me for at least another hour as after the press conference we were always needed for personal interviews with different sport tv channels. For a second I debated goin gon social media and in the end just pushed my phone away from myself, so I wouldn’t search up anything that could fuck up my head again. I was gone enough already, I didn’t need to see even more bad words about how disrespectful I was and how I behaved. Having to sit through another of Cyril’s lectures about holding our anger inside will be enough. Just minutes later I heard footsteps from outside but didn’t really think anything of it, as sometimes mechanics need to make last second changes to how our equipment is laid out for the race.

Half an hour later Mark came back so we could do our usual pre-race stretches and some more, to help me relax a little bit. I could feel all the tension in my body and how Mark actually had to fight every little bit of muscle I had, to get it out of them, having to go back to one part twice or even three times. I liked to catch up on comments during sessions with him, but now I was just laying there, with my eyes closed and I was happy that we had some more time than we usually did. I was sitting up to change positions and turn on my back when he gave me my phone. I pulled out one of my AirPods, after I stopped the music playing in them, and reluctantly started the video that was a playback from the conference. I knew he wouldn’t make me watch something that messed my head up, so I trusted his choice of showing this to me. It was starting from right after I left as the camera just changed back from the closing doors and I was nowhere to be found. The room was silent as the guys looked at each other and then back at the host.

In the next second Lando started moving around and I thought he’s just fixing the wires around his ear, but then he took off the mic while standing up, and without a word left the room just as I did a second earlier. If that wasn’t enough, slowly everyone started getting out of the mics, putting them down on the little table in front of them before following suit and exiting the conference room, leaving all the interviewers and host completely dumbfounded. The camera swiftly turned toward the presenter who tried saving the moment by doing her usual closing sentences but everyone knew it wouldn't look normal. I watched as the screen turned black and the video ended making me look up at Mark with wide eyes.

“ They’re good people. ” He simply said while going through my calves with his fingers. I let out a sigh, knowing I probably didn’t deserve their support. Also didn’t really understand how Lando went from ignoring me and my messages to showing support towards me so publicly. It wasn’t that simple as just leaving an interview as they would also get backlash from the fans who didn’t like me and didn’t think I deserve any sympathy.

“ They are… no doubt. ” I agreed, looking down at the phone again and a small smile got on my face, even though I knew this wouldn’t solve everything and I would still need to fight for what people thought about me. Seeing all of them support me and my decision was heartwarming, and I was honoured to call all of them my colleagues but most importantly my friends.

“ You can have a nap if you want to. I’ll wake you up in time for the last steps. ” He started packing up his equipment, handing me a towel so I can get the residual massage oil off my arms, legs and back before laying back down.

I tuned on a video from YouTube but didn’t fight my eyes closing as I knew I would just feel even more tired if I don’t let myself sleep now. It was maybe two minutes into the video when I fell asleep and it was playing one from another side of the platform when they woke me up so I can do some last exercises and change into my fireproofs and race suit. I quickly got my hair in a braid so it won’t be in the way under a balaclava and the helmet later. Cyril was focused on something else but as soon as I entered he sent me an encouraging smile before sending me to my team to get the latest data and info of the weather and have one last summed up talk about the track and what we wanna do. I still felt the frustration in my mind and body but I was calm on the outside and that is what mattered now, so the team would be calm and do their own tasks perfectly.

I stayed in as long as they didn’t need me, as I just wanted to be alone. I went to the grid to get the usual photo but as soon as it was ready without a look at anyone I just went back to our garage to get my helmet ready and have one last look at the papers of the track. Luckily no one needed me from the team and I could just stay focused on the real task ahead of us.

“ Good luck! ” Daniel came up to me with his arms wide open, and I gladly went for the hug, letting him squeeze me before I stepped back to my helmet.

“ You too. Hunt down that podium. ” I told him with a little smile, lifting my helmet and pulling it over my head, getting the buckle clasped. With one last fist bump we went to our own cars, climbing in finally and getting ready for the start.

With the engines on we waited for the start sign and then I was the first one out, leaving the garage behind and following the other cars down the pit lane and out onto the track. We went half a lap before stopping in the earned positions and turning everything off again. The weather was actually nice, not too hot but there wasn’t any rain to be happening either. Usually when we were lucky enough to get to really see the sun it was messed up by rain or maybe tornado like wind all around the track. But today looked perfect in every aspect other than how I felt inside. We had time for one last radio check, making sure it was working, not like last time, before every crew member left the track and we were a minute away from starting.

The start went perfectly, making it possible for me to get from P12 up to right behind Carlos and then after the next corner thanks to him not seeing me properly I could get in front of him and try catching Lando. My first bad feelings subsided until the 25th lap where somehow I just started messing up my breaking points, getting me to lose 2 positions. It left me with fighting for my starting position for a whole lap as everytime I would get a gap between myself and the Ferrari, he would gain it all back in the corners as I always went too far and struggled to turn in the speed I needed to keep up so that I would be the one in the lead in the exits.

“ We would rather lose a position than the car, Winola. ” I heard Aaron in my ear as we came to the finish line on lap 27 and crossed it.

“ I know. It’s just like I can’t find where to break. The usual line just doesn’t work. ” I answered as I messed up the next corner again, now for the third lap in a row. I didn’t understand what’s happening right until we got to the 7th corner and it all dawned on me.

With the straight right before the turn I was going far too quick to realise it in time that my brakes gave out completely. I was already off the track sideways and in the gravel when I finally understood what was happening. I could feel the wheels get stuck in the softer ground, but I didn’t even manage to brace myself for the hit I got from the tyre wall as soon as the car went into it full speed and already upside down. My ears were ringing when I finally felt everything stop and the air fill my lungs after everything squeezed out of me during the impact. My head leaned back on the headrest, giving myself a second to take some deep breaths before I would have to start thinking about getting out of the car, or more like wreckage as I was pretty sure there wasn’t any connection between several parts of the car anymore.

“ Winola, are you okay? Please say something if you hear me. ” The radio came back on, making me clear my throat with a cough or two.

“ I’m fine. ” I briefly replied, raising my hands from my sides to get the steering wheel off and letting it fall out of the cockpit. My hands were shaking, both from the shock that went through my body during the crash, and also from the frustration I felt for losing out on a chance to get points after everything that happened before the race. Even more as I grasped that this wasn’t my mistake, I didn’t do anything that would make the brakes fail. “ I had no brakes. None. ” I added, getting myself unplugged and the seatbelts off as with one hand I tried to keep myself from just falling out.

I slowly climbed out of the wreck, staying in a kneeling position next to the body, looking at all the damage that was made to the body and all the wheels. With a frustrated sigh I got my helmet off, pushing the balaclava off my head, while sitting down on the underside of the body as I got dizzy all of a sudden. Looking up a little with my head in my hands I could see the medical car arriving at the site, and I sat up straighter as one of the doctors came to check me. I told him I was dizzy but felt no pain other than a little soreness in my neck and back and luckily he didn’t feel like I had to get too much patient care. They took me back to the medical room, examining me once again to make sure before leaving me to my own trainer, who knew quite well what to do about smaller crash injuries.

It was during our walk back to the garage when everything hit me once again and I realised after everything people said about me because of my answers in the conference room I just gave them even more reasons to show that I shouldn’t have a place in this championship. I wiped my eyes as we went through the gates but then just let my tears fall as I felt like it didn’t matter anymore, I was already in a situation that I couldn’t fix by myself. I just didn’t care anymore, not even when I knew we were passing photographers. Mark tried standing in the middle to shield me from questioning stares and all the cameras, even though both of us knew it wouldn’t help a lot. When we finally got back to the garage I immediately sat down next to Aaron to watch the race while Mark got me some ice packs for my neck.

I slowly clapped when Daniel crossed the line in P4, knowing he would be frustrated about missing the podium but still being happy about his performance. I was proud of him, but the pain made me remain in my seat as the team went outside to celebrate with him. The screens showed as they came back into the pit, parking down the cars before they got out so they could hug their crewmembers with wide grins. I watched as the first three stepped onto the podium and opened the champagne, soaking everyone in the liquid after the usual music started. It was strange to see all the happiness while disappointment was eating me up from the inside. I was happy for the team getting closer and closer, but it didn’t help my real feelings.

While they were chatting outside I went back to my room to change into normal clothing so I could leave for the analyzing talk as soon as possible. However as I entered the garage Cyril ordered me to go back to the hotel and rest, saying we will catch up on work tomorrow if I’m really fine and pain-free. I was relieved as my back was slowly killing me even sitting down, and I didn’t know how much I could concentrate on all the information they got from looking at the car and watching back footage. So I gladly took his offer and we got into one of our cars that took me and Mark back to the hotel. We quickly said our goodbyes, with him promising he will check up on me in the morning, before entering our own rooms.

As I stepped inside with a sigh I dropped my backpack onto the floor, next to my kicked off shoes. Turning towards the co-joined living- and bedroom I saw a trolly full of covered plates that I didn’t recognize. Standing next to it I suspected that maybe the team planned it so I would have a little surprise as I got back. Taking my phone out I went to call Cyril as I pulled some of the plates to one side to get the little envelope out from under them. As soon as the envelope was open and I could read the writing on it I immediately forgot about my phone. I recognised the handwriting immediately and couldn’t help a small smile getting on my face as I finished the last sentence on the paper. My finger was already back on the screen of my device, but a knock on my door disturbing my thoughts as I put my phone back down again. What I was expecting wasn’t really who I found on the other side of the door, looking right back at me with his dishevelled look.

“ Hello. I just read your note. ” I told him, staying mostly in the doorway as I didn’t know what he was here for. Of course I read his apology and knew it wasn’t just a joke or something he wanted to use as a quickfix, but I was still unsure about us having a conversation without another argument. “ Can we promise each other that we will just talk it through before getting angry or frustrated about anything? And that’s just as for me as you. We both fucked up. ” I asked him and it seemed like he had the same thought as he didn’t need more than a second to nod at my offer.

“ Yes, we should. I’m truly sorry about the things I said. Wasn’t really thinking about how it must have made you feel and how you were already in a difficult situation. ” He let out a sigh, my faint smile getting a bit wider. I didn’t really wait longer and stepped aside, hoping he would get the idea and step inside the room. “ Hope you didn’t eat yet, because I for sure can’t finish all of this alone. ” I closed the door behind him, putting my phone out of the way as I followed him inside to the trolley.

“ That was the plan, or idea as I didn’t know how you would feel about it. ” Lando let out a sigh, stopping in the middle of the living room, waiting for me to get next to him. “ I would love to put everything just behind us, but at the same time there are things that need talking through, not just forgetting. ” He seemed to loosen up as I put the plate covers away, giving him the chance to choose something for his own dinner.

“ Yeah, before it gets even worse. I’m sorry for ignoring you and pushing you away. You did nothing wrong, it was just… me thinking I would be better off on my own. ” I shook my head, sitting down on the big sofa, leaving quite enough space for him.

“ You can hardly stay sane alone. I didn’t understand what your plan was with staying away from mostly anyone but Dan. But I feel like I understand now with today’s shitshow. ” He sat down across from me, holding up his plate but still looking at me. “ I won’t lie, I felt betrayed by how you gave quite a different picture of us to the media than what the reality was, but I understand it more now. The eyes of the cameras and the people behind them make everything complicated. ” He voiced my exact thoughts, and I could only nod in agreement with him.

“ They had enough to analyze about my driving and who I actually am. I was never the type who was comfortable with living so publicly, even though I know it’s a big part of this sport. ” I told him, even though I knew opening up about everything in the middle of a season to a rival wasn’t something on my schedule. Even if it was Lando sitting next to me, both of us knew what to keep from the other while we were still well into the working part of our year. “ I didn’t want to give them anything to grip onto in connection with my life off the track. ” I shook my head a little, diving into the plate of food in my hand and already feeling a bit better with how there wasn’t any bad energy between us.

“ Sadly, they are the ones who know the least about our jobs but at the same time talk the most about it. That’s why they bring up our lives outside the sport, as it’s easier to talk about and criticise. ” He shrugged a little and I knew he understood my situation as he went through it in his first season too. It wasn’t easy for anyone to change from a quite chilled F3 and F2 atmosphere to the F1 one that was followed by twice the amount of fans around the world. It was a step that would be unimaginable to make alone, without anyone supporting you from behind.

Spending time together again did take away a huge chunk of my anxiety, Lando having a calming effect on my always overthinking brain. I did take a little break from social media pages for the next two races, focusing fully on acting normally and really trying to use all the tips Susie, Nyck and even Lando gave me, after trying but failing for half a season. It was time for me to find the balance and not just hide behind everything I just could to get out of the sight of the media. The first time I got back to the sites was after Dan’s podium, congratulating him on his race and just giving some life signs of my own as I planned on getting back to posting as I did before, without really paying any attention to outside opinions. I knew I was capable of doing it, but I wanted it to be permanent from now on ‘till at least the end of the season.

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angryschnauzer · 3 years

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Sometimes i make dumbass decisions. Todays dumbass decision was to take myself (Aspergers), my 6yo (ADHD), and my husband (generic dumbass) to Homebase (UK version of Home Depot).

I had 3 specific things i needed to get. I had a list, with sizes, colours, and specifics written on.

Things i had not counted on; the entire town’s population also deciding to go to Homebase at 10am on a sunny Sunday, my type 1 diabetic son’s blood sugar being high which meant he was like a monkey on 8 cans of red bull, and my husband not listening when i answered him, but with a low volume voice because i don’t talk very loudly anyway. So here’s a summary;

Car Park, child running off, CARS, ‘get back here’, mask fog, ‘so what do we need?’, hand sanitiser, hand sanitiser on floor and child’s hoodie, ‘i have a list’, ‘MUMMY I WANT THIS’, ‘No’, breathless due to asthma, child running off, ‘get back here!’, ‘we need a plank of wood xxx dimensions’, ‘they don’t have it but we can hack a bunch of little ones together’, ‘no it won’t look good’, child running off, mask fog, ‘get back here’, ‘but if we cut a notch out the big planks will fit’, ‘I said NO, it won’t look nice’, crashing sound, child reappearing looking guilty, ‘what did you do?’, ‘nothing’, staff running, queueing to pay, ‘i’m hungry’, ‘wait until we get home’, ‘I’m going to get a Mars bar’, ‘no, please put it back, child’s blood sugar is already sky high and you cannot eat that in front of him’, ‘Mummy i WANT a Mars bar too’, ‘no’, ‘BUT’ *in stereo*, ‘I SAID NO’, Car park, child running, ‘just fucking STOP’, planks wont fit in car, ‘FUCK, forgot the other two things on my list’.

SO, how was your morning?

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mellie1409 · 3 years

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Alohomora (ft. knj) - 5.2k

Badum badum badum

That's the only thing y/n can hear in the deep silence the dinning hall is submerged in. Her own heartbeat marking the rhythm of a frantic and desperate song. This is the moment she had so long been waiting for: the moment she would be chosen a family for her to join. A family that would take care of her and love her as one of their own and protect her at all costs for this one short year she would be spending here, at the most magical and hopeful place on planet Earth, at Hogwarts.

Y/n straigtens her back as the hat is lowered onto her head. A sudden smell to old papyrus surrounding her and becoming more intense as the weight of the hat increases on her head. And when suddenly professor McGonagall lets go of the hat, it unexpectedly starts moving.

'I see' he says turning to the left and then to the right, scanning in the process the room and all his different choices for y/n. 'Hmmm, a golden heart disguised because of fear, high expectations for the future... Interesting, well, I'll put you in a house, where they will push you to reach your full potential, to prepare you for your final decision. But before revealing it, do mark my words: the choice has already been made in your heart, by some achieved courage you'll reach your final destination.'

Those words resonate into the dining hall as if someone had fired a gun, a race gun that gives the queue for everyone to start talking at once. It was normal for the hat to mumble about someone's abilities, but to make a prophecy? That only happens when someone's life was about to take a huge turn. Which secrets is she hiding? Did it have anything to do with her far away origin?

Only when director Dumbledore stands up, does the hall fall back into a heavy, thick silence. 'Sorting hat, please do continue as we can't spend this whole starry night in here.' He speaks with his elderly voice aiming for the enchanted roof that was replicating a night sky full of stars.

'Well then! ' the hat grumbles 'Her house will be...

...Slytherin! '

This time, instead of starting applauding like they would do with every other selected kid, a thick silence covers the room like a mantle. Not even a fly can be heard as she slowly approches Slytherin's table and takes a seat next to the people of her age, the 3rd year.

She sits next to a blackhaired boy, although his hair seems to change color every few minutes by some kind of spell Y/n hasn't heard of before in her life.

As the ceremony continues, the coloured hair guy turns to her with a cheeky smile and whispers: 'Hi! I'm Jimin, nice to meet you, I'll be your guide to this castle and if you want to know how to get to a place, just let me know. I know every corridor and stair in this school' he says while winking his eye.

Y/n doesn't know how to respond after the strange encounter with the sorting hat but she just smiles back awkwardly at him as she turns around to continue watching the sorting ceremony.

┈

The day after, they start their classes. And y/n's first class is also her favourite subject: defense against the dark arts. After breakfast at the dining hall, she takes realizes she has forgotten her pencil case at her room, so she quickly leaves her classmates behind to go grab it.

What she hadn't thought about was the fact that she did not know the school. So as soon as she tries to look for the class she is supposed to be in, she finds herself lost and wandering around corridors and rooms she doesn't know.

At a certain point she distinguishes someone at the other side of the gardens. He looks like Jimin with the colour changing hair, but when she calls his name, the figure ignores it and disappears through a different door.

It takes her 15 more minutes to find her class and by the time she comes in running, the class has already begun. As she notices Snape is writing on the board with his back to the class, she silently tries to get to her sit. That is until a voice makes her stop on her tracks: 'To what do we own the honour of you joining us in this apparently not so interesting class today, Miss y/l/n?

Freak, she thinks to herself. She chooses to remain silent as she knows it's the best choice with a teacher such as Severus Snape.

'Well I do hope that cleaning the potions room this afternoon during your free time will be more interesting than this class for you. And now please tell me, what si the first rule in defense against the dark arts? '

And like this the class starts for y/n with a punishment for being late. What a great start of the school year...

As the clock hits 5 o'clock, y/n leaves Slytherin's common room towards the potions room were Severus is waiting for her. Although when she comes in, she can't find him anywhere. She does find a howler from him there. She opens it carefully: 'MISS Y/N! As you can see, this room hasn't been cleaned since last year's trolls disaster so I expect from you to clean it and sort out all the potions alphabetically. Enjoy! ' and the howler desintegrates in a moment.

Y/n takes a deep breath, says some encouraging words to herself and starts working. She starts by taking away all the dead spiderwebs, no way she is touching the ones that are still being used as she is scared of almost all living creatures on earth.

She then continues by sorting out all the potions' ingredients she can find on the shelves: fluxweed, knottgrass, lacewig flies...

┈

Namjoon is running around the castle like a mad man. He needs to win this game, he wasn't going to be paying next round of butter beers! So he looks frantically for it, not caring about who he was passing by or about the fact that his red and golden tie was half way undone and his shirt untugged.

As he reaches the next door he opens it and asks:' has anyone seen a... '

He doesn't gets to finish the sentence as he sees a strange scenery in front of him. A cute, although he wont admit it, and beautiful girl is sitting on the second to highest shelf of the potions' room holding on for dear life.

'... toad maybe? ' she answers silently looking terrified at the ground. As Namjoon looks down he realizes indeed, there is a toad lying on the floor, staring at the girl like it was wondering what about him was so terrifying.

'Well, well, of it isn't the prophecy girl behaving like a little squirrel right in front of me I wouldn't believe it! ' he says with a ironic voice.

'Ugh great,very witty mister toad, as if I hadn't heard that already. And you are...? '

'Namjoon, Kim Namjoon to be exact. Gryffindor member and 5th year student in Hogwarts. ' he answers quickly. 'Now I recommend you clean this up quickly as I hear your beloved professor Snape walking down this corridor. Good luck miss squirrel!! ' and like that he leaves running with the toad he had just picked up.

┈

A creacking door, thats all it takes y/n to wake up at midnight. 'Who on earth is walking around at this hour?!' y/n thinks to herself. Without hesitating she stands up from her bed trying not to wake up her roommates in the process. She changes her clothes to more appropriate ones and takes off trying to find the source of the sound.

As she spots someone leaving the common room, she decides this is the right time for an adventure. So she takes her shoes from the rack and puts them on as quickly as the leather laces allow it.

As she slowly looks into the corridor she spots someone turning right into some ascending stairs. She follows him and carefully looks at the stairs while staying behind the wall. It's then that she can distinguish who it was thanks to the moon lighting. She holds in a gasp as she recognizes the color changing hair of Jimin, and what surprises her even more is that, there are two color changing heads! How is that possible?

She decides to find out what is going on and follows them around the castle for what seems like a pretty long time. Until they stop at the kitchen entrance to say some silent words, a password, y/n can't reach to hear. As they get into the kitchen and the door closes back up, y/n approaches the entrance and tries to listen what is going on behind the door.

'... sure no one was following you? ' a voice asks.

'Of course! Who do you think we are?! ' Jimin answers offended.

'Well, I think you guys senses must have been toned down because of the cold, because there is someone listening right behind that door! ' another voice speaks up.

The door opens so suddenly, y/n doesn't even have the chance to turn around to run away.

As she grows accustomed to the lighting of someone's candle, she starts counting the figures standing right in front of her: one, two, three... seven! There are seven of them!

'Miss Squirrel! 'Namjoon exclaims 'what are you doing here? '

'You know her?! ' someone asks.

'What are YOU doing here?! Shouldn't you guys be sleeping? ' she asks angrily after having surpassed her surprise mode.

Namjoon snorts: 'well excuse me if I didn't want to be sleeping like a lame third year student. '

'Hey!' Jimin reacts 'who are you calling... '

'Can we please focus?! We are gonna get caught if we stay here longer! ' a mint haired boy answers. Y/n recognizes him from the common room, a slytherin 5th year student. 'Miss squirrel, or whatever your name is, go back to bed, you shouldn't be here... '

'Eh excuse me, my name is y/n and no way I'm letting you guys go, in fact I think we should all go to bed or we could visit Snape if you prefer that. ' she retorts sarcastically.

It's at that moment they all hear some faint steps coming in their direction. As they all start panicking they jump into action. Someone y/n can't distinguish, grabs her wrist and sturts tugging into the opposite direction of the sound, y/n so scared she doesn't even resist.

They guide her through a small door and a dark corridor lighted only by the candle the first person is carrying. As the adrenaline rises in her blood, y/n doesn't know if what she is hearing are foot steps or her own heart beating in her ears.

The corridor seems endless, but after a left turn, a right one and a left turn again, they find themselves in front of a staircase with a door on top.

A black haired boy that seems to be the oldest instructs them to put the hoods of their capes on and then proceeds to open the door.

The cold air of the night hits y/n like a truck, the air being punched out of her lungs. It's then that she realizes how tired her legs are and how short of breath she is after running what felt like kilometers. Right! They were running because they were being followed!

She turns around with panic written all over her face only to find Namjoon looking strangely at her. God? Had she always been so cute? 'Don't worry miss squirrel, we are safe here. ' he simply comments.

He smoothly passes by her and leaves her jaw dropped behind as they all start walking towards the back entrance of a pub: the Leaky Cauldron.

She collects herself and follows them hesitantly: it was written in the school rules that they weren't allowed to be there after midnight... Also, teachers used to go there to drink! The were gonna get caught!

As if he had read her mind, the other colour haired boy turned to her: ' Don't worry, J-Hope knows the owner and he owns us a favor. We can go through the back entrance and ask for some butter beer to take away. Do you like butter beer? ' he asks casually.

'Yeah...'

'Great! I'm Taehyung by the way, Jimin's younger twin brother, although most people doubt it because he's a Slytherin and I'm a Hufflepuff, but I promise you we were born out of the same womb. In fact... ' he continues talking casually while y/n thoughts go a thousand miles per hour.

So they were twins! That explains a lot! They look alike but at the same time, they are so different. Taehyung is talkative and innocent while Jimin was known for being a little... dirty minded.

' I was always the one to eat second cause...' Y/n snaps back to reality as Taehyung continues narrating his whole infancy to her while they wait for J-Hope to come back out of the pub.

'... and so he was selected for Slytherin while I went to Hufflepuff. A pretty big family drama, but we're okay now so... '

'Omg Taehyung, leave the poor girl alone she is gonna regret not staying with McGonagall in the castle' Jimin says while putting some butter beers down on the wooden table.

They are know in a tree house in the middle of the woods. Sitting around a round table on the floor, very oriental, in y/n's opinion.

As they all acomodate, y/n looks around at the small room the house consists of. It has glass windows to keep the cold outside and even a small stove they use to keep the room warm!

As the last of the boys sit down, the oldest turns to face y/n and starts explaining: ' Hi, I'm Jin and I'm the oldest member of this friend group: the Bangtan boys. We are seven wizards from Korea who moved here to England to study at the best school in the world: Hogwarts. Let me introduce you to the members. The mint haired guy is Yoongi. He is a Slytherin, as you already know. Then it's J-Hope, a 4th year Hufflepuff. And then Namjoon. I'm guessing you already know each other... '

'Yeah... ' you answer shily without looking at him from fear of the redness of your checks getting caught.

'Great! Then there's the twins' he continues' Jimin and Taehyung. And last but not least we got Jungkook, our youngest member. He is a second year student, who is a ravenclaw. And me myself, I'm a Gryffindor. Why don't you introduce yourself to the rest? '

'Well... Hi, I'm y/n. I'm a third year Slytherin student and I'm also from abroad, from Bangladesh to be exact' she tells them while looking at everyone.

'WELL! Cheers to international friends my loves *hiccup* Jungkook screams while lifting his nearly empty pint of butterbeer.

As everyone starts laughing, they all lift their own pints and exclaim: 'Cheers! '

It is then that y/n feels alive again, with a wonderful, new friend group and many stories to tell. Now it is her time to enjoy, and no one was going to ruin it...

┈

Namjoon has been walking around the castle trying to find some new adventures to live for an hour, when he suddely hears a noise. An unusual noise for him to say the least, always used to the laughter that filled his common room, hearing this now made his heart upset. He starts to follow the sound and when he turns into a dead corner he finds himself in front of a sad scenery.

Sitting on the floor is y/n. With her knees between her arms and her nose buried in them. Crying like there was no tomorrow, sounding so desperate Namjoon has to take a deep breath not to instictively give her the tightest hug of her life.

He slowly aproaches her and he speaks out loud, trying to hold back the arrogant tone he, last time, used with her: 'Y/n, I don't know what's up and you don't have to tell me if you don't want, but please let me help you. '

'There is really nothing you can do, Namjoon. But thank you though, I appreciate it. ' she says while sniffing her nose.

A bit amazed, he wonders what it can be that it's making her so upset. From what he knows and has heard, she is a good student and, although many may not see it, she has a big heart for others. Right then, an idea starts taking form in his mind.

'Then take my hand, I wanna show you something. ' He speaks in a soft voice as he opens his left hand for y/n. Indecisively, she accepts it, slowly standing up from the cold, hard floor.

As he leads her through corridors and moving stairs, the cold air of the night seems to help y/n settle down. Instead of thinking about her problems, she relies on his hands to guide her and closes her eyes so the only thing she can process is the touch of his gentle, soft hands tugging at her so she keeps up the pace.

After what feels seconds but at the same time hours, she suddenly feels him stop. As he turns around, he realizes her eyes have been closed all the time. Slowly, not wanting to scare her, he whispers: 'y/n, you can look now. '

As she opens her eyes, it takes her some time to get her eyes used to the darkness in this corridor. Nevertheless, as they grow accustomed to the little lighting, she starts to distinguish an old, wooden door carved beautifully but terrifying at the same time. So intrinsic that focussing on the details seems to absorb every last bit of energy in her.

She snaps back to reality when she hears Namjoon speak again. 'Y/n, I've brought you here because I wanted to show you two things... ' he pauses. 'There is a spell that can open all doors, all except for ones. Only you can open the doors to your heart and only by following your heart, you'll reach the right path for you. '

She opens her mouth to speak, words dancing on the tip of her tongue. 'I don't think you'll understand what my situation is. ' she finally answers.

' That's why I brought you here' he replies. 'You are the only one that can open your heart, but in this room there is a window to it. Something that will help you realize what it is that you desire. '

After saying this he gives her a soft, reassuring smile. He stands behind her and instructs her to lift up her magic wand. As she does, he whispers a spell in y/n's ear. So soft only she could understand. A word that sends electric sparks through y/n's spine and as she shivers, she pronounces it out loud with a trembling voice: 'alohomora'.

Like a resort that comes loose, the door opens to the inside revealing a circular room. Marvelled by it, y/n slowly, but steadily walks in. Taking a deep breath she savours the smell of wood and as she looks around she realizes the room is empty except for one covered object.

As she reaches the object, Namjoon has surpassed her and reaches out to take the silk sheet off the tall item. And as if magic, an old, majestuous mirror stands in front of her.

'This is the Mirror of Erised' Namjoon speaks ' it shows us the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. Go ahead and take a look y/n. This is your window, go look inside. ' he encourages her.

Y/n sets a step back to have a full vision on the image the mirror is displaying. But the only thing she sees is a scared girl clutching her wand for dear life. Until... Until the image starts to change.

She grows older, into her late twenties. Her outfit changes color, it becomes a long, white dress... A wedding dress! And she is looking at someone, she can't distinguish who, his face is so... common, it could be anyone. But she looks in love, she is smiling with her whole body.

Suddenly the image looks at her. As y/n slowly starts to walk to her older self, so does the image and as she elevates her hand to touch the mirror, the image disappears and she is left looking back at her young self.

This whole time Namjoon has been looking at her reactions, trying to read y/n as if she was one more of his books. He couldn't see what she was seeing in the mirror's reflection. But when she suddenly touched the mirror, he knew something was wrong. Like she had cut herself glass she takes her hand back. With wild eyes she gives him one last look. And just like that, she starts running.

Aimlessly she runs and runs around the school hoping to loose Namjoon and finding some quiet place for herself. When her lungs start to feel like they are on fire and her heart threatens to jump out of her chest, she stops on her tracks. She can recognize where she is: the stables where the pegasi sleep. As she approaches an empty stable, she lies on the ground and closes her eyes hoping for the morning to never come as she needs to think about her most difficult life choice.

┈

The next few weeks, y/n spends the time wandering around the castle. She manages to stay hidden from Namjoon, while his words of the last time still stay with her like a splinter in her heart.

She also wants to stay away from the Mirror's room. She is afraid of what she had seen as she knows, one day, she would have to face the truth and fight for her dreams. This all, if she chooses for her own destiny of course, and that is a choice she didn't want to make just yet. But as the end of the school year neared and so her return to her hometown, she is aware her time is coming.

Days pass by and y/n doesn't change her technique: she hides from Namjoon everytime she hears his voice and only talks to the other Bangtan boys when she truly needs some help with her classes.

But one day, after a long class of defense against the dark arts, she finds herself wandering around the castle yet again. Although this time, she chooses a different path, she doesn't knows why, but she feels a driving force that lures her into a very specific place of the castle. It isn't until she is standing in front of that same wooden door that she realizes: the Mirror of Erised is right behind there.

She takes her wand and murmurs that one spell she hadn't forgotten. 'Alohomora' and like that, the door opened once again, to her biggest fear but also her biggest desire.

She walks in and silently closes the door behind her. And she stands again in front of the mirror, but this time, she was facing it alone. As the image starts to change, she distinguishes the same scenario she had once seen: herself in her late twenties, happily getting married to an unknown man.

But after some short time, the image changes. This time she has a few white hairs. She is still with that man, but this time, they are surrounded by three children. A kid, a toddler and a baby she is holding.

She gasps, and takes a step forward and, just like the first time, when she goes to touch the mirror, the image disappears.

She is left alone with her heartbeat and the words that Namjoon once told her that still resonate in her head: You are the only one that can open your heart, but in this room there is a window to it.

Is this what she truly desires? She isn't sure, but one thing is for sure: she would be coming back to look into that mirror.

Like this, the room of the Mirror of Erised continues appearing in front of her as she wanders around the school. Day after day she spends hours watching her happy reflection have a life full of laughter. Never touching the mirror as she is afraid that the image will disappear and so her dreams.

But slowly, the images start to change. That man starts to get charasteristic face features. At first, she doesn't recognize him, but then she slowly starts seeing similarities between the image and someone she knows. Of course she doesn't want to believe it and as time passes by and the image gets clearer she decides the mirror is wrong.

Still, she continues visiting the room. She spends her free hours there, in the sweet silence that accompanies that beautiful life movie she was able to watch and live through the mirror. And even accepts that, maybe it was him the one she desires.

It is that, that she is thinking one day when she suddenly hears a noise behind her. She turns around and watches the door open to let a person in. She can't distinguish him in the darkness at first, but when he comes into the light the mirror reflects, she recognizes the dorky, gryffindor boy that had brought her here for the first time: Kim Namjoon.

He looks surprised at her, not having expected her to be here as he thought he had scared her off the last time he had seen her. She looks pale and tired, as if she hadn't slept a single minute for the last two weeks. And so thin her chubby cute cheeks had disappeared and the only thing remaining where her cheekbones under her beautiful chocolate-coloured eyes.

Y/n quickly recovers and turns around to go back into her reflection, but as she frantically looks into the mirror she realizes it's gone for good. She doesn't know if it's the image having disappeared or if it's her not being alone for the first time in some long weeks that makes her break down.

Right as she let's goes and falls into the ground, Namjoon catches her and while holding her tight he sits them both on the floor. As he sushes her and rocks her from side to side he just mumbles things to try to calm her, focussing on his tone and not on what he is saying.

They spend hours like this, holding onto each other for dear life, Namjoon whispering sweet nothings into her ears as she cries her heart out onto his chest. And it is his soft whispering that starts to calm y/n down. As she sniffs and looks back up at him, he can see the sadness gathered in the pearls at the corner of her eyes.

It break his heart and his voice trembles when he speaks loud for the first time since he walked into the room: ' y/n, I'm here for you, I want to help you. But I can't do so unless you tell me what it is that it is making you go under like this. Talk to me, tell me what it is that you see on the mirror. '

She is unsure, she knows no one can help her. Her destiny has been decided for her a long time ago. But she has been carrying this secret for way too long. The weight of it making her heart age by the minute. And so she turns around, still in Namjoon's embrace, to look at her reflection once again.

With a shaky voice she starts to talk: 'I see... I can see my life. I am happy, very happy and all of my dreams are becoming true. I marry a man of my choice that I love and have kids with him. We grow old and spend the rest of our lives together. '

As she speaks, Namjoon heart starts to break, he shouldn't have expected nothing, but yet here he was, that's what he was here for. To see if that was what he desired. His hopes started leaving him with every word she pronounced until...

'And the man I'm with... He is the most gorgeous man I've ever seen. With bronzed cheeks and deep, black, dragon eyes... ' she turns around, and as she looks into those same eyes, she speaks up: 'it's you Namjoon, it's you that I can see myself living my life with. You and only you make me happy. I've come to realize that the last few days, but... '

But she can't finish her phrase as suddenly two soft, plump lips are crushing into her, into a sweet but desperate kiss. She is startled, her eyes open as she never would have expected such a response from him. But as he sweetly starts moving his pillow-like lips against her, her eyes fall close and she starts to follow his rhythm. Soft at the beginning, but frantic by the end, trying to connect to each other not only as much as possible at physical levels, but also emotionally. Their tongues dancing to an eccentric song that only them can hear. But as the oxigen starts to desappear and their lungs start to fill with fire they break their kiss to lean onto each other's foreheads.

Breathing heavily, Namjoon speaks up: 'y/n, I love you. I've loved you since the first day I met you, I just didn't know until now. I came here because I was confused by what I was feeling and wanted to look into the mirror. But now I know, I don't need no mirror to tell me you are the most important thing in my life.'

Still short of breath, y/n can't process what she is hearing. So, the life she so much desired was still a possibility? Still her family would never accept it. What was the point of trying then? Softly, with tears wielding in her eyes, she answers: 'Namjoon...oh Namjoon, God knows I love you more than my life and would do anything to be with you. But our love is an impossible love as my destiny has already been chosen for me. '

Namjoon can't believe what he is hearing. What could possibly be her destiny that she wasnt allowed to be with him? Lovingly, he looks at her: 'y/n, I don't care what kind of trouble you are in, I want to help you, but for that, you need to talk to me and tell me about it.'

'I just... Okay, I guess you need to know the truth if I have to hurt you anyways. '

Namjoon wants to speak up to this comment, but he doesn't want to scare her off, so he silently stares at her as she sits back and starts her story.

#bts #kpop #bts army #bts jungkook #bts suga #j hope bts #rm bts #bts jin #bts jimin #bts taehyung #bts harry potter au #harry potter #hogwarts #bts hogwarts au

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ilhoonftw · 2 years

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anyone else obsessed with the fact our days are numbered? every breath brings me closer to death?? if i dont do something today and will have to do it tomorrow i might run out of my time on earth?? if i pick the wrong queue in store i might waste 10 minutes of my life and i will never get then back?? i might end up missing the love of my life because they already changed their location, we wont bump into each other the timing is off ?? every decision i make affects everything around me and also the rest of me life!! a second is both worthless and priceless.. why!!!! why it's so hard to come in terms with the passage of time and being a mortal being with an expiration date

#u can reblog if u want #just dont argue with me ok

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livinonaflyingcarpet · 5 years

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D DAY

#I AM SO EXCITED #and fucking nervous #there are so many stress factors #first off i have a mandatory extra class all afternoon #WHO DOES EXTRA SATURDAY CLASSES THIS IS STUDENT TORTURE HOW IS THIS LEGAL ALSO TODAY OF ALL THE FUCKING DAYS #gah #so i wont be able to come early and queue #to end up front bc i was like 4th row in vienna and the atmosphere was indescribable #i still havent decided if ill go merch first crowd second or if ill run to the stage first and hope therell be some merch left after show #and then there is the night commute back #sigh #im genuinely terrified like im a scaredycat at all times but travelling alone at night in a busy foreign city??#ill have to change to a noctilien at gare st lazare and i pray itll be just fine #the flannoda of my life

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masterstrange-closed · 4 years

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𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄 𝐔𝐏𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄 / 𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐈-𝐇𝐈𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐄

I am sure by now that most of my followers across my blogs have noticed really poor activity the last couple weeks. I haven’t wanted to say anything too soon and jinx things but I am finally at a place where I can confide in you why that is.

Starting Monday, July 20th --- I returned to work back at the Library. It’s heavily modified and closed to the public other than scheduling appointments to pick up holds, but not all staff was called back at this time. To be exact, I was the only one called back in my department at my branch. So I am going to be working open to closes about three to four days a week at this time ( we don’t have normal hours again yet ), which will mean I’m going to be balancing writing and work once more.

Honestly, I think this will be a good thing for my writing. I’ve been lacking motivation for anything due to the sameness of quarantine --- but one day back and I’m already itching to begin writing again.

However, I will not be returning full swing just yet. Additionally today, my girlfriend and I also were successfully accepted to a new apartment. We will be able to move in August 1st, which leaves us only two weeks to pack and then a couple weeks after where we’ll be unpacking, setting up internet, painting walls, etc. Which means, I’ll be on a semi-hiatus for a few weeks until we are properly settled into our new place.

I’ll have discord and be on Tumblr mobile, so I’ll still be around. I just wont be able to fully write threads until we get internet at our new place after August 1st. Once I know when they’ll be coming to set it up, I’ll do my best to have my queue running till that point. I’ll also be around to RP on discord and Wire.

Please be patient with me during these new changes, I am literally bursting with excitement and motivation once more and plan to do what I can to balance my hobbies and life goals/priorities during these next few weeks. I’ll post discord and wire drops sporadically over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤𝐬, 𝐦𝐲𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐰𝐲 !

#𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐏𝐔𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐋𝐋 / psa.#𝐈'𝐌 𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐘 𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐂𝐘 / ooc.

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thisisbookland · 4 years

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Hello Again!

Hi everyone! I know I disappeared for a long long time and that wasn’t my intention, school got in the way and then as probably all of you know a lot is happening with COVID 19 and B/LM** protests right now. (Which, before you read any further I fully support the B/LM protests and defunding the police)

Anyway, I am back again and I wanted to update everyone on a few things:

- As I do have a pretty big platform, I will be reblogging some resources, petitions, and funds to this page as I hope all of you will help in whatever way you can.

- But this is a book blog and I know I have a particular audience, so I am going to be doing more work to post (and hopefully read, depending on money/time) about diverse authors, specifically Black and trans authors given the B/LM protests and JK Rowling running her mouth again. (Which I am not going to talk about JKR anymore after this post, it’s not worth the time). If anyone has any recommendations please share I’d love to hear them!

- I am going to re-start my queue again, and hopefully wont forget it this time. I know I say it every time I disappear, I’ll probably disappear again life is like that.

- I have recently decided to not use goodreads anymore given their connection to Amazon. I think I saw something a while ago about an alternative, but I haven’t been able to find it again. As of right now I’ve decided to write books I read down in my journal, so I don’t think we’ll be able to be friends on that to share what we’re reading and our goals haha. If anyone knows an alternative to goodreads please share!

- As I had to move back home rather abruptly in March, and as I have been ignoring unpacking since, I still don’t know where my books I was reading are. Let’s hope I find them sometime today! But I may give up and read new ones, we’ll see

Hope everyone is safe and healthy, and enjoying reading!

**ALSO as a side note, I think sometimes tumblr will put posts in a certain tag because the word is in the post itself even if not tagged. So that is why I split B/LM like that, so this post doesn’t clog the tag on tumblr since this post isn’t helpful to the movement itself.

#read #reads #reading #Emma rambles #emma posts #personal post #book #books #book reading

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voidsfanficfortress · 4 years

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A bit of life

Madrid's streets were noisy today, jackal hides under the collar of his dark purple trenchcoat, his footsteps are drowned by the vigorous life, walking around him, laughing, buying and so much more.

His eyes catch the green light of the pharmacy sign,just a couple of blocks and he Will be there, and soon enough back to his apartment.

He often ponders why he doesnt go out more often, for example, today the blue Sky hasnt had a single cloud on it, the sunrays were quite nice, and people didnt seem to bother him so much, and yes, the fresh air does make his head a bit clearer.

The little bell hanging just above the pharmacy's Door clinks as he enters, the place buzzing with people of all walks of life, children and their mothers, teens who are helping with some chores, and older people buying whatever medications they were prescripted.

And talking about prescriptions, he was just on his way to collect his.

-hello , how May I help you-The pharmacist said , with a smile on her face, and bags under her eyes.

That tired smile is something ryad knows very well, he slips the doctors note as he gives a few details about the sleeping pills.

The woman nodds, saying she would be right back with the medication.

Jackal's eye scan the room,there is certain atmosphere of peace that seems weird to him.

He supposes its because of his line of work, always running around, Saving the world and training as if tomorrow is the day the world ends.

Now he is not the sappy type, but seeing siblings playing and talking makes his heart warm, altough a certain thought,or well demon, creeps from time to time,kind of jealous he didnt get to experience that.

But then a certain girl enters the pharmacy, he guesses shes in her teenage Years,maybe around sixteen, behind her is whats he supposes her younger brother.

the girl tries to Grab something from a high shelf, seeing that she couldnt, her brother made a quick excuse and his big eyes looked for the tallest person in the room.

Ryad.

The boy approached him and with a very shy tone he asked.

-Excuse me , could you help my big sister over there?-

Jackal looked over at the woman who was standing there with the medication, she nodds as a way to tell him to go and help the girl.

He quickly walks over and grabs the item the girl needed.

-Thank you sir!-the younger sibling said.

The girl picks the item from ryads hand.

-Im sorry he went to bother you Sir-she says grabbing the boys hand, walking to the queue.

-its not a big deal really, he didnt bother me at all, nor helping you-

She looks up at him, finally figuring out who he is, ryad seem to notice it as he grabs his pills.

-I wont make a scene here, but im a big fan sir, of everything you've done in your time in team rainbow...and I also heard the rumors about your life here, if they are true, im really sorry about what happened to,well, your brother- she looks down- im im sorry,If I came off as blunt there or too nosy,I just..as an older sibling I can understand the pain, and I just wanted you to know that uh, I I sympathize with you-now she is just a Fumble of words.

Ryad finds it really cute, he chuckles and shakes his head.

-Hey kid , its okay, I get it, its really nice of you-

The girls cheeks are red, she quickly pays for her stuff and thanks him again, speeding to the door as her brother makes fun of her for getting so flustered.

The cashier sighs.

-Kids right?- Jackal nodds- they recently moved here, that little girl over there?, she is so Smart for her age, well, Also went trough a lot from what I heard, sometimes kids can be mean to good people-

Jackal pays and quickly glances over his shoulder, there is no-one after him.

-How so?-Now he is the one that doesnt want to be too nosy.

-well, kid got throw into a Primary school with a bunch of shady kids,kids are mean and well, now she is here, still strong-

Jackal pieces the parts togheter, and sighs.

-But, she is always nice with everyone, and from what I saw, she liked you, trust me here, if the kid doesnt like you, she doesnt talk with you...at all, you Sir, are the lucky few she trusted right away-

Both share a chuckle and ryad leaves the place, walking slowly back to his apartment.

His mind thoughts about everything that happened there.

Some of his turmoil clears out, Knowing that he is not that bad of a person he thinks he is sometimes.

After a couple of minutes he is finally in the complex where his apartment is ,The keys on the door click,now it is Open and ryad enters his home.

He leaves the pills on the table and looks at the time.

'Already afternoon?' he thinks.

Soon enough the smell of food invades the house, ryad seems calm until the fast footsteps approaching down the corridor are heard.

-come on lau!, we are going to be late for lunch!-

-Im coming im coming!!, youre too fast !-

Those are the voices of the siblings in the pharmacy.

He shakes his head and chuckles.

He does need to get out more often.

[...]

-Void☣

#r6siege #r6s #r6 jackal #rainbow 6 siege #rainbow six siege #rainbow six siege jackal

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belshka · 5 years

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Complex // JJK (1)

January 16 2019

(y/n)’s POV

The clock strikes 7:00 PM. The soundcheck raffle announcement will be out soon. Why am I so excited? I must have saved the entire planet in my previous life if I got the soundcheck pass. Who am I kidding, the chance is 1 out of what, 35000? This is insane. No, this is madness. This is BTS.

It pops! The announcement post is here! My hands are cold. I saw my section, and.

And my ticket number.

My ticket number.

Should I scream? Shout? Faint? No, I take a seat on my couch. Just sit there, for 5 minutes straight, before I am able to call my friend, to break the news.

January 19 2019

This is it.

I walk into the venue, I can see the stage, and the Love Yourself World Tour banner. This is so unreal. This is massive. In just a matter of minutes I will finally see them! My heart hurts, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, yet I’m numb?

Fuck! I can hear Namjoon says hello from the stage followed by all the screams. As they walk to the extended stage where most of the soundcheck will be, I can’t help but to be mesmerized by every one of them. They’re legit god. Any arguments are invalid. I don’t know how long I’ve been zoning out until a hand shakes my shoulder from behind. “Hey are you okay? Do you need water? The security have water, I can ask for you?” Says a girl behind me. “Oh! Yes yes I’m totally fine, thanks though!” I smile back at her and bring my eyes back to the stage. Have I told you how good Jimin looks? Cause boy he looks so damn good, I actually forgot that my baby is Jungkook. They’re all my babies don’t get me wrong, even when I’m younger than the youngest but they’re still my babies. It’s been all fun and crazy how I’m able to see them like this, without make up, without the fancy clothes (although their casual clothes are still fancy). Until I notice HIM. Jungkook, with his huge ass camera, right in my direction. I -

Wait, why there is a sound of bell ringing? Am I being delusional?

Wow, I think Jungkook’s camera caught my confused and shooked face. I surely will be a meme in the BTS group chat. I try to push the weird feelings aside. You see this is weird, there is no such thing as soulmate bells or red string stuffs, or matching tattoos. I have been reading too much of fan fiction this is driving me crazy. The soundcheck ends and we are all being ushered to get back to our actual queue for the actual concert. I am so so speechless because come on, I just saw BTS! And probably gotta end up being a meme in their group chat. As I walk to find my friends, all I can think of is to call my sister, she’s also queueing but kinda far from me and my friends. “Hello?” “Oh my god, hahaha the stage is super super huge, and fuck!!! They are all so hot, sis omg, this is so unreal, I cant even believe my own eyes!” (I can’t believe my ears either) “Hahaha you had fun?” “Yes! Of course, where are you? Queuing already?” “Yup” “Okay then, I’ll see you inside!” The call ended as I spot my friends. I tell them everything, except my delulu self that heard the bell rings.

Jungkook’s POV

Another concert, another fun day. I can’t wait to see ARMY! Although I am tired from all the practices and flights, but I live for this, for the thrill, most importantly for those smiles. That I surely know are made for us, and because of us. In just a couple minutes I have to go up the stage for a short soundcheck, this is my favorite part of all because I can see them very clearly, the soundcheck was our idea, it is more intimate, although it seems unfair for those who’re not here, but this is the least we can do to get closer to our lovely ARMY. As Namjoon Hyung says hello, the crowd screams back, and I can already feel my lips forming a huge huge smile just knowing that they are here for us. I have my camera with me during every soundcheck, I feel like I have to capture every moment so I wont forget any details. The soundcheck goes well as usual, Hoseok hyung is having a little talk with ARMY as I shoot a video of him, then I move my camera to the crowd. I -

I hear the sound of bell ringing! What?! I cannot help but to find those eyes, and I finally found them, looking straight into my direction. She looks so confused, yet so beautiful. I bet she knows, I just hope she won’t go crazy. But, she closes her eyes and shakes her head. As if she does not want to believe it. I keep my eyes on her for awhile, my camera still recording her area, but I know for sure I have it zoomed in to her. She looks away first. She doesn’t believe in soulmates. I can see her head down for awhile, but I try my best not to look so obvious because I have been taught how to act if by any craziest chance I will find my soulmate like this. Which is to pretend it did not happened. To stay normal. But is it normal to ignore the existence of your soulmate? How soulmate works is weird, I don’t think the world notice it but when it comes to soulmate, you’ll never know. Every body has one, but the process is different, I don’t know about others, but surely mine is the bell.

We’re back at the waiting room, to get everything done, the make up, the script, the hair, outfits, and all. But I am still stuck. Starstruck? Is that the word? I never thought that my soulmate will be a foreigner? And an ARMY? Yes, ARMY. It feels like I’m living the best life. But also the saddest and tragic one, because I can do nothing. In this line of work, I have to stay like this. To give the best out of me. To sacrifice things. I hope in the end it will be worth the wait and sacrifice. “Jungkookieeeeeeeeeeee, why are you so saddddd?” Jin hyung asks from the couch while having his food. “Nothing hyunggggggg, just sleepy” I say as I walk into his direction and take a seat beside him. “Yah, be honest. Are you really sleepy or you found the one?” Jin hyung whispers. I can only look him in his eyes and hoping that he can read me. “Ayeeee I knew it. Which section?” He asks again. “Right side.” “Our right side or their right side?” “Ours.”

During the opening speech I try so hard to spot her, but I cant. The lights are blinding, and the size of the venue is not helping at all. I keep taking off my in ear just to talk to Jin hyung, praying that maybe he can help me spot her. As we’re about to sing Magic Shop, this is my chance to actually look for her in the pit so I walk slowly to the right stage while scanning the crowd, and I almost burst out laughing because I can see her running from nowhere into the back barricade. She’s something else. I look at her few seconds and I can see her very clearly because she is just by the barricade with her Army Bomb and her phone obviously recording ME. So I took my chance to go a little closer and I can see her friend slaps her right arm and screams something that I can’t really hear. But she’s unbothered. She’s so focus that I can tell her phone is not recording properly. Gosh she’s so funny, I can’t help but let a small giggle out while I shake my head, and walk back to the main stage. I can see her during Euphoria, I can’t really focus. She does not has her phone, I don’t know if she’s crying or not but she is standing in between her friends who are hugging her. It’s a beautiful view. Euphoria is the last time I saw her. Jin hyung spotted her during medley and Run. I’m so desperate to see her, this is my last chance. I keep on getting to the right side of the stage just to find her, until Anpanman, I can see her! I CAN SEE HER! I am so excited I can not contain my smile, I keep on dancing and hanging around the area. Last, it hits me during the closing, Answer : Love Myself, I have my in ear off and just so sad that this may be my last time seeing her. I try fight back my tears, I don’t think I sing properly, I hope no one notice. As we all walk back to the main stage, I look everywhere in her section hoping that I can see her for the last last time, shit I can’t see her. After the final bow I still give it a try, I walk a little bit to the extended stage but I still can not find her. I give up, giving my last smile before I walk off stage. And there my tears fall freely, I sit by the stairs to calm myself down because this is all too much, I have to fly to another country, leaving her, without any information. Without her knowing that I am her soulmate. My heart breaks even more, until Jimin hyung come to me and comfort me. He is truly the fairy. “Its okay Jungkookieeee, the chance will come sooner or later. You are soulmate, you’ll end up with each other. So don’t worry okay, you’ll find her. We will find her. Okay? Don’t cry, besides you did very good today!” All I can do is to let out some sniffles as we both walk back to the waiting room to meet the others for concert photo.

(y/n)’s POV

The pit is crazy, I decided to stay at the back so it will be easier for me to run around to wherever Jungkook is heading. Bitch be running wherever her bias is heading, that bitch is me. Oh fuck, this is my song. Magic Shop, I literally scream each and every word out of my lungs. When I realize where Jungkook is heading, I literally run for my life to the back barricade and thank God it’s still empty. His legs ugh, he is sweating like crazy it makes him glow even more. I have my useless Army Bomb with me, and my phone, trying to record and capture Jungkook as much as I can because who knows, this may be my first and last. But luck was not on my side, I forgot to press record. I cannot scream, but Jungkook is too close, he is too close and my friend fucking slapped my arm. I could not careless all I see is him, too close, too close. Jesus bless my pure soul cause Jungkook just giggled? Why is he so funny.

Before the concert, days before the concert. I did my research very well, I know the whole setlist and where will they perform it. The stage and all so I know right after Just Dance, will be Euphoria at the main stage. I kinda make my way towards the stage with my two friends. “hey (y/f/n), can you please record the whole performance because I don’t think I can record it..” With that being said, the lights dim a little and I can hear the intro. I got goosebumps all over my body, I can’t believe that I finally able to see it live. Woah my body will collapse soon, my tears start to fall very quick. My friends notice and laugh but they have me in between them. Most of the time I stay at the back because I want to focus on the performance, plus I’m super tired I have not eaten anything yet today so I was at the back with water from the security. But I gained my energy back during medley and encore. Anpanman! Oh my god, I can see Jungkook again! Very clear because he is always on our side. I recorded his little cute dance. The 2 hours concert feels like a minute, they are at the extended stage for Answer : Love Myself, but boy is holding back tears. I feel a pang in my heart, and my lungs are lacking of oxygen. It hurts, my eyes are burning. I know this song will always have that effect on me but I don’t know that it will be like this. They walk back to the main stage for the final final bow, I smile through my tears and when the lights bout to turn off, Jungkook walk back a little for another goodbye while scanning through the crowd. This boy, he loves army that much. He smiles before it turns completely dark and the lights back without the boys on stage. I stay for some pictures with my friends, and my sister.

I say nothing about my weird feelings and the sound of the bell cause what kind of a crazy and delusional fan am I. So while waiting for the crowd to die down a little, I sit on the grass outside the venue while looking through my videos briefly, talking about the concert. The crowd somewhere goes crazy because apparently BTS is leaving for their hotel, but I could not careless because heck I’ve spent my entire day standing and waiting, I need to sit and rest my legs. And my crazy heart.

January 20 2019

Jungkook’s POV

Today is my last day here and I have no chance to explore because I have to fly back to Seoul.

(y/n)’s POV

Today is my last day here, I explore and shop a bit at the city before heading to the airport because I have to fly back home. Thank you (country), for the unforgettable night.

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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Like, I definitely firmly believe that someday soon I will be able to finally resolve this whole jaw issue once and for all, because like....I have to, lol, that’s literally how I get up in the morning.

But just...lmao its so weird to think about how I really have no idea how to picture my life after that point, because like....every day is a ridiculous onslaught of ridiculous that keeps me so stressed, panicked, desperate and oh yeah in pain, to the point of not being able to have a single life goal, ambition or like....future event I want to do, because its almost all about ‘must make today’s rent and food by the end of today so I can eat and sleep and oh yeah also another $800 by the end of each month so I can continue to enjoy even the possibility of this not being the state of my existence for the rest of my life.

Wow, that came out way more pity party than I intended, lmfao, because like the whole point of this post and why I started writing it was not like oh look at me, my life sucks so many balls, whine whine, a little bit of cheese, barrels of more whine. Like, believe it or not I was kinda rolling my eyes while typing out that above paragraph and literally laughing in that “look I know its not funny but I’m still laughing because fuck you that’s why” kinda way.

Bizarre as it may seem, this is actually intended as an optimistic kinda post? And like....the result of me doing deep breathing exercises and making a concerted effort to be optimistic today? Because the point is, the above has been the day to day state of my existence for almost two straight years (look, I’m not SAYING all things straight are bad, but hey if you can, be gay, do crimes). And its definitely not like my life was all sunshine and roses before that, lmfao, but at least there were breaks in the storm clouds, like...I had actually hills and valleys of suck but also wahoo! It wasn’t like........the constant annoying beep that accompanies a flatlining heart monitor, but also somehow seems to keep descending.

Like, I can handle sucky events, as long as I can find that bit of normalcy in between, and I mean, I feel like the fact that I’m still here and have at no point really entertained the thought of not still being at this point, like, it kinda lends credence to the idea that I can also handle sucky events even when I CAN’T find any bit of normalcy in between. I don’t LIKE to, because who would, lmfao, but I can, and do, and will continue to do so.

Its just.....I mean bottom line of where this whole train of thought started and was aimed at is.....its been so long since I wasn’t just preoccupied day to day with constant chronic pain and stress and an unknown future or how long this would last, as well as repeated attempts to fix things that have managed to end up just being a disappointment at every turn so far.....like....I’ve literally forgotten what it FEELS like to not wake up every day in pain and spend the whole day worrying about making enough money to still have somewhere to sleep before the day is over. LOLOLOL, like the bar is super low, I’m aware, but like....I remember that state of existence exists, and that I’ve definitely enjoyed it in the past and have every hope of doing so in the future, its just....I don’t remember how it FEELS for this not to be the only thing on my mind, 24-7.

And I’m so looking forward to that, to feeling that again, even if I can’t picture it at the moment, because like...I’m anticipating how MIND-BLOWING it’ll be, the first time I can spend a whole day just...enjoying myself. With no interruptions, no pain. And as crazy as it may sound, I’m so lucky in that I know that day is even out there? Like I know that as bad as things have gotten for me over the past two years, I can hold out hope that there is an actual end point to THIS state of existence, that it is a specific problem with a specific solution, and once I find it, so much about my life will change because I’ll be able to stand on my feet for hours at a time, go running, exercise, all things that I enjoy and use to keep myself centered, I’ll be able to take a day to just go to the movies even if its just by myself and like, have a fucking chewy pretzel without having to worry that doing so will actually be the thing that finally fractures my jaw beyond repair, lmfao.

And the thing is.....as sucky as the last two years have been.....constantly, day to day....its not like they’ve been nothing BUT suck. I may not have had a single day in the past two years where there hasn’t been at least SOME pain, SOME stress, SOME inescapable awareness of like....all the things I can’t do and the reasons why, all the things I desperately want to do but can’t afford or physically am incapable of, but none of that means that through all this time I haven’t also had tons of good moments to carry me through.

Because I have. And I’m so thankful for them. Even if they seem miniscule to other people in comparison, they mean everything to me, because any moment that takes my mind off all the things that are wrong or that suck and just lets me laugh and MEAN it, be truly entertained, any moment where I’m more preoccupied with being inspired by an idea or something someone said or something I’m picturing, any moment where I’m just smacked in the face with the undeniable truth that I have some of the best friends on the planet and who love me unconditionally and are here for me even if its just to bombard me with cute animal pictures at 2 am so I go to bed with a smile on my face instead of focused on the pain...and the flip side of that, any moment where I’m able to feel good that I was able to provide one of my friends with that good moment for themselves, to make THEM laugh or be inspired or take their mind off their pain or troubles, like.....

Those good moments still exist, no matter what else exists or in what quantities. They still count. They still add up. And the point isn’t even about them needing to add up to some specific tally or quota or otherwise they don’t mean anything, or don’t mean enough....because each good moment exists purely on its own, for itself. There’s no POINT to them, they’re not FOR any specific purpose or outcome. They just exist. They simply are. And that’s all they need, in order to matter.

Because I firmly believe, and honestly always have, that ultimately, life is just about the good moments. They’re the things we focus on when times are hardest, they’re the things that spring to mind when we try and think of reasons to keep going. Because I mean...there ISN’T a specific tally of how many good moments you need to reach before life is worth living, before there’s a reason to be alive. Because each good moment is enough, all on its own. Each good moment, no matter how small it is in anyone else’s eyes, IS the reason to be alive. The whole reason. The only one anyone needs. Because the only way you get those good moments, those small snapshots that are for whatever reason, just wholly, undeniably GOOD and WORTH IT.....is by being alive. That’s the only way you ever get to have any more of them.

Like yeah, 90% of 99% of the days over the past two years might have epicly sucked for the most part, especially if we’re focusing on percentages, defining each day’s ‘success’ by whether or not I spent more of the day miserable or more of it enjoying myself...but when you say screw the percentages, the quotas the tallies....when you look just at the good moments, specifically, let each one of them matter by themselves and be worthwhile, worth EVERYTHING just in and of itself....

The whole picture changes. Because that one conversation I had with my friend Moukie on a day where I just laughed myself breathless at something he said.....that good moment wouldn’t exist if I threw in the towel before I got to it. That one story I loved and just blew me away with how perfectly it encapsulated everything I wanted from certain characters but that I would never have dreamed up myself, but that I kept thinking about days, even weeks after I read it.....that’s a story I wouldn’t have read if I only let the fact that it’d been seven months of chronic pain at that point, like, be the only thing that mattered. Instead of how just that one story made me feel, for however long I felt it. That one conversation, that one episode, that one post or tweet or daydream or whatever.

Anyway. I wasn’t intending to get all sappy or life coach woowoo or whatever, more just thinking out loud or in text, as I’m wont to do, and I use it to put my complaints to paper often enough I might as well use it to put the non-complaints to paper too, lmao.

But I mean. Yeah. Its the good moments that really matter, if you ask me. They’re what any of us are here for any way, no matter what form they take or how much space there is between them, but like....idk, I think we could all benefit from being reminded from time to time that they all count. They all matter. They’re the POINT. At least if you ask me, because if we’re not here to enjoy good moments in whatever shape or quantity we get to enjoy them, like, what other reason IS there, to spend however many years on this earth as we end up getting?

*Shrugs* So yeah. That’s it. That’s the point. Enjoy the good moments, and don’t forget to keep them somewhere you can queue them up when you need a reminder that they exist, they’re out there, you’ve had them before and no matter how long it takes, you’ll have them again. They’re what carry us through however much suck we have to wade through before we chance upon the next one, and the one after that and the one after that. And the more we carry with us, keep with us, THAT’S when the percentages start to matter, if by the end of it all we can say no matter what the actual quantities of good vs suck, or what shapes or sizes that good and that suck took....its the good moments that mattered most. Stuck with us most. Defined us most.

Anyway, that’s where my thoughts took me just now and it helped so maybe it’ll help someone else too, and if not. More verbal diarrhea, business as usual. Same place, same Batchannel. Tune in tomorrow, I’ll probably be bitching about Tim. Or hey, maybe I’ll surprise myself. Who knows?

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