#also me: here's 2 paragraphs :)

[introspectivememories]

tim and bernard who break up and it's nothing big, no one cheated or anything. it's just their lifestyles didn't work out well together. tim cannot give up vigilantism currently and bear cannot handle the level of danger tim puts himself in. and on the other hand, tim cannot handle the fact that bear chooses to run into danger as an emt bc he already worries about everything but now he has to worry if he'll find his boyfriend convulsing from fear gas in a random alley but also bear who felt the life drain out of darla cannot stand the thought of not helping people and runs headfirst into dangerous situation after dangerous situation hoping that every person he saves can somehow make up for the fact that he could not save darla.

(he very pointedly does not think about the fact that there was nothing he could do because if he thinks about that, he'll spiral until they have to lock him in arkham too)

and so they break up but they were tim & bernard in high school and when they started dating they balanced out the worst of each other and they became tim&bernard. and everyone who knows them, knows that they're better together but they cant be together, they refuse actually because they cannot lose another person to the violence of gotham and by the time they figure out that they cant work together as long as the other is an emt or vigilante, it's too late for both them. they've already left too many pieces of themselves in each other.

tim still knows what bear means when he says "tim" in that exasperated voice. tim still goes boneless when he hears bear say "baby" in that firm tone. bear can still read tim like a book. he still knows the right way to massage tim's neck so that tim can go to sleep. everyone at the first responders gala knows not to bother ceo drake-wayne and senior emt dowd when they're talking.

(and if they're standing a little too close to each other than what is normal, who are they to judge? everyone knows that dowd and drake-wayne have history)

and if everyone on the night shift has caught red robin with his head tucked into the crook of emt dowd's neck as emt dowd runs a soothing hand up and down the vigilante's back, well then, they just quietly back away.

(after all, dowd's one of like, five, emts that can get the bats to receive medical treatment so if turning a blind eye to whatever the fuck they have going on is what allows them to give back to their heroes, then the night shift will do it every time)

and of course, tim and bear are practical people. they loved (love) each other sure, but when your lives are fundamentally incompatible, well, you cant get too stuck on the what-ifs, that's for sure. and so they do find love with other people and yeah, maybe it's not what they expected love to be when they first fell in love with each other. it's not the bubbly, stomach-swoopy, cant stop grinning, feeling that permeated tim&bernard's early days or the i Know you/you Know me that was their middle or the quiet despair that was their end but it is contentment. and in a life with as many losses as theirs, contentment is something they hold dearly

and they're happy! truly! but sometimes, at galas when they're making each other snort champagne out their noses or in darkened alleyways when their clothes are both stained with blood or at rallies for stricter gun regulations in gotham where they both sit too close to each other, fingers enclosed around each other in a death grip, when the presenters inevitably bring up grieves

(worst school shooting in gotham in decades, there's blood on their hands and blood in their mouths and darla is dead in between both of them and there is a chasm so wide that they are screaming to get their voices across and she will always be dead and maybe this had always been the problem that she is dead and there is no coming back from that and that there is blood on their hands and blood in their mouth and blood on their han-)

but sometimes, most especially on opposite sides of the street, as life pulls them in different directions, just sometimes, they see each other and just for a second, nothing too long, the flap of a hummingbird's wings, the time it takes to blink, an electron's orbital, they look at each other and for the briefest moment, blue on brown, a barely noticeable stutter in their steps, the space between heartbeats, because this is all they will give themselves because they do not dwell on what-ifs or what-could-have-beens, or what-should-have-beens, or delusions of a softer world, their eyes meet and they think to themselves, god, in another life, i would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with him.

#what the fuck is this #the theme was wistfulness. hopefully that came across right. and like i wanted this to be all 1 text block so you feel how it all collapses #into that 1 thought they have at they end but fuckass tumblr has a 4096??? text limit for a single paragraph???? so here's multiple paragra #anyway here is my middle of the road sad timbern hc. do i think this will happen? no? is this still a fun world to play in? yeah absolutely #also super huge fan of darla haunting the narrative. darla as this chasm they cannot cross. darla as smth they shelter each other from #but also smth like a 2 way blade. it cuts them both. it will never stop cutting them. smth smth the wound will always bleed #also i cannot stress how important it is that they are happy with other people!!! they are both satisfied with other people. it's just that #they have a very specific history and they are the only two people who really know and understand that history #and also it's not that theyre unhappy with their partners but just that smtimes they look at each other and... wonder. in a softer world #maybe i could've been a chef and you could've still been a superhero and we could've still worked out. maybe we would've gotten a boat #together and maybe we could've come home to each other. maybe i could've trusted you to come home to me. maybe you could've #understood my need to help people. maybe we could've held our love as something precious. #maybe in a softer world our love wasn't something that hurt us both. #i need to lay down. im going crazy #as always i do love reading yalls thoughts in the reblogs and replies!!! #bernard dowd #dc #tim drake #timbern #timber

[spectrumgarden]

I keep thinking about how no one seems to think about nuance when it comes to like, the concept of "autistic traits / symptoms" and discussing them, and how that is intertwined with the push to not consider it a disability. And its complex to discuss, but here's my convoluted thoughts. I know it's long but I hope people will take the time to read it.

There are in fact people who do fit some commonly associated with autism traits that are not impaired by them. Let's make up a guy, for a second:

They like routine and repetition a lot but easily handle change in them. For example they wear the same set of clothes for years with no desire to ever branch out, but if you made them wear something else they wouldnt really be bothered by it as long as they dont think it's super ugly, etc. They like to watch the same movies over and over but happily agree to watch other things with their friends when spending time together, and are engaged and interested in those movies. Etc. They speak very formally or choose "complicated" words for things that could be expressed easier. They however do not face problems with communication beyond annoyance of others because they're able to rephrase things easily to be understood, and they also have a normal back and forth in conversations and initiate conversations normally. They sometimes engage in subtle self stimulating behaviors and recognize the desire to do so during boring or stress inducing times (which pretty much everyone does, btw). They dislike loud environments but do not respond with melt- or shutdowns or any other "severe" reactions, and while for example preferring to go to a museum over a club, they easily go through their daily life in busy areas like city centers, shops or cultural events like parades without issues beyond like, mild annoyance and no desire to stay for longer than necessary. They have strong interests in seemingly random topics and spend quite some time researching or engaging with those, but they do not view the world through the lense of said interest, they do not neglect caring for themselves or fulfilling academic or professional responsibilities because they are so engrossed in their interests, they are easily able to hold conversations about other topics. I could go on.

This person would not be diagnosed with autism by any doctor who pays attention to the impairment clause of the diagnosis. They would probably be told "you're subclinical / you do not meet enough criteria / ..." While his person would probably relate quite a bit to (parts of) descriptions of (level 1 and / or low support needs and / or high masking) autism. And this is an imaginary person I made up, but these people obviously exist (and as a side note, are probably what people refer to when they talk about "everyone being a little autistic" etc)

And this person being told they're not autistic might be upset. Because clearly, they have so many autistic traits. They relate to so many videos! But the thing is! There is no impairment! The one thing that connects all of the symptoms related to autism to the actual diagnosis. This does not mean they do not in fact relate to the autistic experience. This does not mean these parts of their life or personality are fake / non existent / not important to who they are and how they experience things. But it is important to differentiate. If they consider themselves autistic, if the world considers them autistic, it waters down the definition to a point of being categorically useless from a medical standpoint, from a standpoint of figuring out who needs support and in what ways. Who needs (early) intervention, who needs extra support in school or at work or at home or in public.

And like. Humanity at large will probably always want to shove themselves into random categories. "Which character are you like?" "What is your personality style?" "What is your star sign?" or "which sports team do you support", and countless more come to mind. I dont think this imaginary person is wrong or silly for wanting to find a category of people they are like, or recognizing this similarity with some autistic people. I wouldnt even mind if they made up a non-clinical category / group of people who relate to autistic experiences without the impairment. It would get the point across that it is a group of people with shared experiences, but it is not the same as autism.

However autism is increasingly treated like something thats just a personality type without impairment, by people online and offline. And when they go "this is an autism symptom" without nuance, without looking at the need for impairment, or even differential diagnosis, it spreads that attitude. "Liking to eat the same foods is an autistic trait"... or is it normal to have food preferences to a degree if it does not cause you stress to eat new foods, if you are capable of eating other food if hungry and presented with them and not the food you prefer? Or is this person anorexic and their mind has created categories of "allowed to eat" and "not allowed to eat" based on arbitrary categories relating to their fear of weight gain? "Only eating with small spoons at home is a common autistic trait"... or is it a harmless preference as long as you are still able to eat food outside a strict routine set up with zero possible deviations? Or is it a person with OCD and eating with small spoons is a compulsive behavior for some sort of intrusive thoughts?

I could go on forever. But in the end, these short sentences are all the same. They are, at the same time: autistic experiences and allistic experiences, because they are so non specific. They are watered down and any additional information is removed.

autism is about a specific combination of experiences that impair you. That's literally all it is. It does not automatically turn us into a category of "other" that is fully not possible to relate to, because we are human too. And some of it will be relatable to people that are not autistic!

And there is value in discussions of experiences of autistic people that go beyond the impairment, as long as we do not forget about it, or treat it as secondary instead of the defining factor. I dont mind if autistic people bond over something they're not impaired by, that they see as a common experience, for example not easily going along with authority. Being creative. Preferring the small spoon (without being impaired by it while having other impairments), whatever, and call those common autistic experiences. But those are not the pillars of what make up autism and solely relating to them should not be your reason for calling yourself autistic. Neither should relating to commonly impairing symptoms without being impaired by your version of them. The impairments resulting from abnormal development are what makes someone autistic.

There needs to be more nuance, detail, when discussing autism symptoms. And the push to, at the very least, expand autism into an area of experiences that do not cause impairment of any kind, or worse claim it never caused impairment, need to stop. It does not help anyone.

I genuinely think part of the whole "everyone is autistic these days" crowd who likes to go after people and invalidate them has picked up on some of this, but they lack the skills to criticize it for what it actually is and / or they want there to be a simple solution, which is that everyone who calls themselves autistic online who does not fit their very stereotypical view is faking. They are wrong of course. But I dont think this comes out of nowhere. There is something to criticize about how autism is treated in many circles, especially among younger people.

I'm really not sure how to end this post because I like to come to some conclusions on my long posts but just. Uhm. The way some people treat "autistic traits" as completely unrelated to the impairment they cause while staying exclusively autistic traits is wrong. The way people try to redefine autism is harmful and in the end not needed because they could simply invent other words for that experience.

#actually autistic #autistic adult #autistic community #actually disabled #i feel like im poking a sleeping bear with this one. poking a hornets nest. whatever #but yeah it needs to be said i think. and i have the privilege of my “smart sounding” speech being more likely to be listened 2 so. *shrugs #long post #(very long... oops. i think this is the longest thing i ever wrote on here) #also this took me. i believe over 2 hours to write! im not good at this actually! i moved 80% of these paragraphs around multiple times - #- deleted entire paragraphs. merged them. rephrased things again and again and again #its exhausting #because when i think about this i can think through this entire concept in a couple minutes but trying to get it across takes hours ://

[fiveminuterice]

controversial take i think but i don’t like when artists say “don’t like without reblogging” on their posts or say they’ll block people who like their art without reblogging. i say this as an artist, if you feel upset often enough by people who like without reblogging then that’s not on them that’s on you. and i say this is gently as possible. you are not owed engagement.

#this is not targeted at a specific person or post btw this is just something i’ve been seeing a lot recently #also does not account for people who like and put posts on queues #i’ve had mutuals like one of my posts and it was on queue for like two months #obviously for people who say ‘if you only like and not reblog i’ll block you’ that’s fine because you are more than welcome to curate #your own experience on here. however you kinda just sound like a dick lol #a lot of my art doesn’t get that much engagement but like. i’m not gonna tell 2/3s of the people who see my art and like it to #fuck off and reblog or else or whatever #it’d make my post a place of assumed hostility instead of something i just want to show people who may or may not enjoy it #[insert paragraph about how people still will feel bad about spending hours on something only for it to get 1:4 likes to reblog ratio] #i see this and i feel you but you start sounding like a youtuber lmao yknow? #it makes me think you view your art more like content than art

[deepfriedtrout]

If they were given more of a moment in a less-high stakes situation with no sort of bad blood, do you think Sonetto and Schneider would look at each other and think to themselves, oh my god she's just like me fr fr (being immensely gay for Vertin)

#trout talks #reverse 1999 #snippets #going ham with the animal imagery on this paragraph #sonetto being a dog is literally mentioned by the narrator and it is her suitcase sona #as for schneider we all know that she's been described as a pale pigeon in vertin's pov multiple times. 'false dove' is her pretending to b #an arcanist. such and such #though the entire wip is just. symbolism. #the poem in sonetto's burst voiceline (a london thoroughfare 2 am) painting vertin as the moon and schnider being in the #psycube 'blasphemer of the night' practically is writing itself for me. or maybe im just popping off with my delusions #there's also vertin is jesus symbolism here but im tackling that later #or maybe not. you know my track record when it comes to wips

[simcardiac-arrested]

#i wouldnt usually care about stuff like this. but every month or so i get two or three asks like this and i just got one earlier today #and look. i’m not saying u can’t hate ns or dislike them. feel free to send me asks that are like ‘ns you are stupid and you suck and i hate #you’ he IS stupid and he DOES suck and he is quite hateable. that’s fine #it’s just when you start sending me wholeass paragraphs explaining every single detail you hate about ns and how they deserve a slow and #painful death that i think two things: 1. you are finite waves reincarnated 2. you are weird! and strange even! #what are you on about! ns absolutely does NOT deserve a slow and painful death! and you absolutely do Not have to be so hostile and #aggressive towards them as a character! like Please relax. we serve bullshit here sir #most anti-ns asks i get are funny and are light hearted because it’s just people messing with ns on purpose or mocking him and making him #mad because he easily gets mad and it’s funny. Like those asks are fine. it’s another deal entirely when you send me this detailed and— #honestly—really mean message. I guess i am not surprised considering how similar ns and pebbles are in terms of personality #(and circumstances somewhat) and we all know how the fandom treats pebbles. even worse than ns. but yeah anyway #they are not an irredeemable unforgivable monster and they do not deserve to die. Hope this helps #to me even calling them a Bad Person is kind of a stretch. let alone the shit some of you are saying about them #we have to get normal about mentally ill and traumatized and autistic characters gang! #crammerposting #i also do not appreciate when people insuniate that ns is stupid for overworking himself and damaging his structure and so on and so forth #yes it is his fault but that didn’t mean he deserved what he had coming to him or anything like that. be nice to him

[peaceliliesandtea]

24.02.23 // stopped by a nice coffee shop that a friend recommended. the carrot cake was divine! one of the things i enjoy the most about reading the neapolitan novels is the intertextuality. lenù's knowledge of theoretical texts at seventeen is so far above what my knowledge and understanding used to be. in the past, that might have made me feel inadequate. i find it comforting knowing that whilst i didn't study rousseau until i was 23, the attention i paid to his work then was far more than anything seventeen-year-old me would have given it. what i'm saying here is that whilst, on the one hand, you could let yourself feel incompetent for not knowing about things —whether it be novels, terms, individuals (i could go on and on)— sooner, on the other, instead you could focus on how that doesn't matter because you're learning it now.

#thoughts #diary #literature #elena ferrante #studyblr #books #maybe i also enjoy reading it because i understand the majority of the references in the text #and it gives me a sense of pride... #perhaps i 'act' like an intellectual in the way that lenu and nino do... #...hopefully i am not doomed to become some blinkered academic unable to see beyond their theories #you: oh look a nice pic of some cake and tea #me: and here is a rambling paragraph about intertextuality to go with it #also me: did not proof read #me now: i should've proof read #sorry 2 anyone who follows me and saw me edit that in real time

[squirmydonnie]

My brain is such a mixed bag. It doesnt understand anything

#cheeseburgerboy #i usually sit here for minutes before posting something. and im just worrying the whole time. #or i write 1 or 2 paragraphs. and just delete them after that. #i guess its just how it is #i don't want to be upset about it anymore. #some things are just very hard. #but it still bothers me. #because its annoying #and also frustrating #its the only reason why i tend to have so many tags #because i get really nervous #it gives me something to do. since im too scared to post it. #and also a way to hide it. in case no one reads #its just scary. it makes me scared #i try not to say something. so no one worries about me or anything #but after too long. its too difficult. #i try not to wait. but thats also pretty hard #im kinda strange

[woozi]

the way being on caratblr never fails to bring me joy no matter the circumstance and no matter how much time has passed </3

#u're all so so kind to me!!! 😭🥺 #and even when i'm inactive (as i've been for 2 years now let's not lie LMFAOO) u all still pour so much love into this little blog #i could never be grateful enough #i wish i could do more for u!! #you're all my solace fr... if svt is jihoon's querencia caratblr is my querencia #u guys have been my friends for so long now and i hope we continue to be friends for a long time <33 lov u all mwah #hope everyone's having a lovely day and if not just hmu and i'll fight ur demons for u im being so serious rn #also dont hesitate to hmu as well for anything 🥺🥺 i missed and i still love talking to all of u!! <333 #there really is no time i'll be here and miss my caratblr loveposting huh 😭 #but yeah that's p much it i have to stop before i write Paragraphs fdkjfdjkkfjd #flowers for everyone!! 💐🌷🌻💐🥀🌼🌺🌹💮 #or hearts if u dont like flowers <333 ♥💛❤💚🖤💟💞❣💜🧡💘💖💗💙💚💓 #y.txt

[volfoss]

i think genuinely the proper nouns are the worst part of this whole massive project. its either like. the official english translations are inaccurate between material (i will NEVER not be a bit upset about lelie june's translations lol) or having to be the one to decide how to translate a certain thing INTO english. like i thankfully thought ahead to write the katakana down for each name i was unsure of but now i well. am going to have to pencil in a whole day to go and check what the kana actually mean and then make the decision of how to translate it. like obviously i could just take the kana at face value but sometimes it gets wonky. its a bit of a headache lol

#twist rambles #♟️ #sorry i have been on the grind all DAY with volfoss and its been like. definitely a thing of ok starting 2 learn katakana is going to help #me to do before i finish the guide but its so scary for me bc it does add a bit of like. heres actual knowledge and i have to figure out ho #to incorportate that into the doc. its the same thing as trying to figure out how to localize certain things or learning oh heres x or y #cultural thing and i need to take an entire paragraph to explain this to ppl who prob dont care lol but i stay silly ok <3 #the amt of time i have to like. copy paste the translation and check like 5 sources to make sure its accurate. its gonna become a LOT easie #when i learn hiragana and start on the scary kanji journey. but rn its so so terrifying for me bc like. the pressure of getting a #translation correct esp when the official eng translations are WONKY w spelling. so like... its kind of a thing where keeping the kana ther #is good but i also am like. hoping it wont be too annoying or intrusive in the guide. anyways its just 5 million translation burdens most o #the time lol. but i stay silly (and have to like talk it out a million times lol)

[svnmouth]

I think getting a hysterectomy would either help with my migraine issues or just give me different problems but I wont be able to know until next year minimum and even then I dont know if I can do a second surgery so soon. the way that birth control just utterly and completely fucks you over when youre starting it, when youre on it, and when youre getting off it is so. Idk if its even worth it to change my birth control if Im gonna get a hystrectomy in the vague soonish future even if I feel like absolute dogshit for an entire month for 1/3rd of the year.

#I take it back on whatever post I made recently about hrt. I think its making my migraine issues worse. #I would take back the smell issue over migraines that have me searching basic math to make sure Im still doing 3x3 correctly #in my head. and like. being unable to read more than a paragraph or two at a time. #honestly. Im really mad at myself for being caught off guard by that doctor and telling her I was on testosterone. #because now I have to jump through stupid fucking hoops to get a hysterectomy and shit and who knows what wouldve happened if I was able to #pretend I was cis. Im pissed about it. and OFCCCCCC she says 'yes I will make sure not to mention the trans thing outside of my notes!' #and WHAT does she label the appointment as?????? literally mentioning Im trans in the big ass header that my new primary doctor immediately #saw. like come on girl do your job better than this. #life sucks being disabled when you have to do all this crap. cant just Schedule a Surgery you have to go get approved by insurance and then #make sure someone can bring you and also you have food you can actually eat during recovery and take time off work and worry about money an #then find out insurance did not approve the surgery AT the appt and then you have to wait another 2 months to reschedule the surgery and do #all of the above alllll over again. but like even worse. #bro Im so stressed about money all the time my moms bills keep going up and her bills cost more than my monthly paycheck. its bad out here. #anyway. my nightly tag rant.

[bookwyrminspiration]

sometimes when I answer an ask I know the exact answer to your question the moment I read it but sometimes I am making things up literally as I type so if you ever ask me a question there is a chance I am just trying to disguise the fact that I am learning my answer to this question at the same time you are. hope this helps <3

#kotlc #quil's unholy underworld #ask: what do you think of this thing? #me. has not thought of that ever before: I'm so glad you've asked here's three paragraphs I just came up with 2 seconds ago #this is also not about any specific ask or nonsie it happens fairly often #that's not to say I'm making my answers up or bsing just that sometimes I am figuring out my answers as I type them #and then pretending I knew what I was saying all along #this is also not in response to the ask i just got! you sent that in as I was writing this so if that was a concern then ur good nonsie <33

[tboyblogger]

my friends should move to tumblr just to hang out with me tbh

#like 15 of my bestest pals. stop using facebook come here im lonely im fucking ban i miss u guys (abt to go meet them irl tmr) #thing is tumblr n twitter r both foreign to me still bc most ppl i know here r like. international pals #like i love u all but i still feel like a fish out of water (haha. fish in the birdcage) bc its not my natural habitat #all vietnamese learn to use facebook before they learn to speak sadly 😭 #i HATE socmeds n the only socmed i somewhat rly like is tumblr but none of my irl friends r here 😭😭 #facebook fucking sucks major dicks but some of the features r vry good to. interact n have fun with ur friends n let ur adhd thoughts out 😭 #if tumblr has albums (optional since it has a tag system) OR MOST IMPORTANTLY FACEBOOKS COMMENT SECTION it would be so cool #like my fav thing abt fb is the comment section its superior #reply on tumblr isnt as fun. on fb u can put as many as u want n even get sub-comments n also u can post photos n videos n shit #i love just shit smth on the posts n then unlease unrestrained mental terror in the comment section its so fun #aka. put 10k essays in 20 small paragraphs. 8 photos of the same bald guy. n 2 random fancams

[emometalhead]

I just remembered that I started writing an evermore analysis essay when the album came out, but never finished it because I accidentally stabbed my eye with a straw 😭

#that was a wild day #I was completing finals because it was the last day of that school semester #I had evermore on loop while working and started drafting an analysis essay #I had an outline done and wrote a few paragraphs but then my clumsy self literally ended up with a straw in my eyeball #my eye hurt so much!! #I couldn't really keep it open and everything was blurry for like 2 days #I was so excited about the essay and it never got completed because trying to focus on my laptop with blurry vision + pain wasn't working #it's lost to time now #plenty of other amazing people have made full analysis posts + essays about the album so unless I can do it for a class it's not necessary #oh well #also I went through my archive to see if I ever posted an essay snippet (I didn't) but I was sent graphic asks that I forgot about #that was wild #multiple people seriously sent 17 year old me asks about... toys... and full on detailed smut #probably the most insane things I've ever been sent here to date #which says a lot considering some of the asks I've received #ashley rambles

[mordcore]

Why white people don't like to talk about race: A Theory.

definition of "racialization" for the sake of this thread: for me what it means when a person gets "racialized" is that they are being put in a box labelled with whatever race people decide to assign them from the outside and kind of objectified/reduced to that label. i'd also argue that there are different degrees of this experience.

being racialized fucking sucks. if you're a person of color, i don't think you need me to tell you.

but most of us white folks probably don't experience it a lot. being confronted with the fact that i am white; based on my skin color which is: innate, out of my control, undeniable and immediately obvious to everyone who can see me; that is uncomfortable! even more so if it comes with being put in a box/assigned the label from the outside, and all the assumptions that might carry. i'm not sure if i understand the topic of white guilt very well, i believe it has something to do with the awareness that our ancestors or even just people in our "box"/racial category have done or are doing awful racist things, and with feeling guilty about it, but obviously incapable of changing other peoples past actions, which creates a conflict -- me personally? i refuse to feel guilty for things i had no part in. or i try to at least. but it is a sore spot and accusations of being guilty for being white hurt, and sometimes i also misinterpret things to be accusations when they are only pointing out this conflict to me.

this conflict is likely a part of the discomfort associated with being in the "white" category. now i know most white people don't get confronted with racialization very much, and maybe that is why so many of us struggle to act normal when we do. i also don't know how accurate my theories are and how much i can generalize my observations about myself, because of my specific trauma about the topic. idk if other white folks feel the same as i or the same level of it. but i think we could benefit from observing without judgement, in ourselves, how it feels to be categorized as white from the outside. do i have a knee-jerk reaction to it? what is my first impulse when this happens? am i trying to push any feelings away? which ones? why? is there an inner conflict?

for example, i feel a conflict between my need to be/believe that i am a good not-racist person, and my feelings of discomfort about the topic, that i try to push down because i feel like it doesn't fit who i'm supposed to be, therefore inadvertently deflecting whenever someone is trying to have a productive conversation. or out of fear of doing that, i fall into the fawn trauma response and feel like everything i'm doing is wrong, and like feeling like that is also wrong, and there goes the spiral.

i believe that most of us white people would benefit if we ask ourselves these questions, and our friends and loved ones of color might also benefit if we do, as well as antiracist activism in general.

#damn that was a tough nut to crack #to access and understand these feelings in myself i mean #ive been struggling with this topic for years and oh yeah i had to work through some trauma first to be able to even get here #despite what my fawn response is trying to tell me i think this is a good thing to have written and that i will not be punished if i pub #lish it #and despite it being 2 am i wrote something that seems coherent! whoa! #i actually typed into a text editor for 2 hours until i had sorted my thoughts and worded the point i was trying to make #and then i pasted together the relevant paragraphs #adhd hack discovered! #i've also decided not to disclose the 'specific trauma about the topic' #because i realized i feel the need to prove.. something? #basically it's an impulse that doesn't seem productive to the point i'm trying to make so i left it out #it was interesting to type it out though cause ive never. done that before. to see it all in one place is weirdly cathartic. #uhm ANYWAY #my stuff #white guilt #white fragility #btw i believe that mocking these feelings is counterproductive to solving these issues #i know it did set me back! #target audience: white people who want to do better and dont know how. secondarily; anyone who is interested in the topic

[fruiteggsaladit]

Headcanon that while Yukina has Hina's visual everything, and it looks as though Hiei got nothing, in fact Hina had an extremely similar outlook on life like Hiei and life story. Big reason he values his birth crystal is bc he somehow felt it in the Vibes that she was the same kind of person as him:

A (Question says "what is 2+2" and they interpret it as "1+3" and get the right answer but something went Cosmically Wrong here) type judge of character, too rash in his assessments and decisions bc he can't stand thinking about his reasoning or else his brain'd explode from how much of a dumbass he is, how he desperately wants connections but he doesn't believe he meets the requirements of love and he knows it'd destroy him to hear a person beloved to him, tell him "you're too much and I don't want you". It'd destroy him to think about how much he actually dislikes himself and why.

#hina #yyh things #yukina #he also got her expressions and body language. those folded arms? Hina's the OG. that laugh (all of them)? Hina's the OG. #togashi i remember the page where hiei finds hinas grave and you*really want* us to know that Hiei got the Vibe^TM & was right abt it #that hina died giving birth to him and yukina if not Happily then Contentedly. disregarding the misogyny 4 a second here b He Got the Vibes #of a dead person. decades of years already dead. Koorime have ghost powers in addition to ice powers fuck me fuck you fuck the both of us #minor edits! broke up into 2 paragraphs and corrected myself w “itd destroy him 2 hear a person *beloved to him* (etc)”

[moondaeznuts]

When you find a new webnovel that looks interesting but there's no fan tl :')

Now we suffering through mtl (I gave up reading LMAO)

reading action genre mtls is my enemy

Action fantasy is my most worst enemy to read mtl

#I forgot the name of the novel I was reading but if I remember I'll tag it here #The thought of the mc beating the shit out of monsters with a coffin and then said coffin opens up and sucking in the dead bodies is great #Maybe I'll try again if it ever gets a manhwa adaption #Or maybe an eng translation #Or atleast someone doing a character/world building guide list in eng :') #Dod/dmj is the easiest for me to read in mtl #Honestly dod/dmj part 2 is easier for me compared to part 1 #Bless the person that's fan translating part 1 tho I love looking back and seeing what I miss #Apparently I missed a lot of things in part 1 ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ #I saw some other people reading dod mtl too but somehow getting the wrong information... #I don't like that because I believe I'm reading it wrong... #^also that one person who do chapter summaries but writing the wrong info or cutting off important parts makes me wanna aughhh #I was going to translate the dmj epilogue for myself but Google translate vs Papago is making me questioning myself #Does Gunwoo have a muscular frame or a skeletal frame? #At first I believed skeletal but have you seen his shoulders bro #Big as Chungwoo's I think #I remember when official Gunwoo novel illustration came out and everyone was analyzing his body #His wrists are hella skinny wtf dude #Anyways #So I attempted to read tged mtl but I couldn't even survive one paragraph (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) #Wanna go back and catch up on tged but I forgot where I left off