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greyred · 7 years

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HaHaHa

Heartbroken, Hospitalized, Homeless

There have been too much of stuff going on with my life in past months that I seriously have lacked the energy to write about. One is sure - It keeps me troubling of not writing. Because mainly... well, have been overthinking of HOW I should write, but as Jesus said - “Done is better than perfect”. Then now we ride - I just came back from..ehh.. a ride of a busy busy day as i’ve ridden past months, also i have awful Insomnia which have killing my head past 20+ days. Not cool, not cool man! I LITERALLY can’t sleep! Yet doing all, and ALL my appointments that I have. Being a hussle-hussle A-student on the game and then crying in my pillow when noone sees it in the end of the day.

I feel like I have no ONE to talk with, No one on earth! So I come here... here to my small tiny blog to just talk. Just talk about the matters that I can’t say out loud to no one. Wasn’t it the purpose of this in the first anyway ?

It all started when I lost my sweet apartment where I was living with Jesus. when we divorced, I stayed there for few years but that shiet got too expensive and i had to move, so I moved to my brother’s place. Was for a month estimated but lingered as my real estate company fcuked promises up. Then my parents moved back and the great PTSD came back again...

Now I have the skeddale back a bit because of the story of heartbroken...

Fell In love with my old mate whom i know for at least 10+ years.. He is livinng in my Homeland, we talked every fucking day for a long time and fell in love, he visited me here, i visited him. He knew ALL my mental challenges and so forth, yet he made me feel it was okay, that He truly loved me, he wants to be with me, live with me, heck.. even have a kid with me. And I was naive...

Last time I went to Homeland to his place he treated me a bit differently.. and I broke, ended up in hospital and after that he tells me - I don’t walk to talk with you until no certain time, also can’t handle it. I mean... what the hell, I was fucking hospitalized, I was in a really bad situation. If ANYONE could have understood it, it would have been a person who have known me for so long time, with such an information that I gave. (Sometimes i doubt people who tells me, i know how to deal with You). Either way I truly hate that after all of this I lost one of my best friends. But I never go back. i have this personality. Don’t mess with my delicate head! Once I’m done - I’m done.

The hospital itself was great experience though. Spent a week in there, got to know many interesting people. It’s nothing like people think - Oh my gosh - crazy house! NO! there are people from every field of life, doctors, lawyers, artists, health-takers, engineers, teachers, architects, art-students. Anybody needs to take a time off. And the atmosphere is pleasing, we ALL get the same thing - the mutual respect to each other, we all lack of understanding, closeness, treatment, what not. We were like a family in there. Best family I ever had !

After that beautiful experience I had to go back to home. Still heartbroken and my periods late for 2 weeks which made me feel like that is going to be worst. But little that I know - it was just the first signs of the MAIN stress which have lead me to this point...

I lived few months with my parents while thinking everything is alright, yet it wasn’t, things was evolving.. getting worse, i didn’t even notice it. I was still looking for apartment and for a proper doctor. Failed in this game so awfully. Until I found an amazing counselor who taught me that my most weakness is to be selfless and I HAVE to learn how to be more selfish. For me this is the hardest, because I blame myself for everything. He had experience with soldiers who had PTSD and could teach me ways to handle my PTSD mind the best that i’ve heard. But I lost him as my counselor because it was only a temporary acute thing. (Even though I STILL don’t have a proper doctor!)

Anyway... I pulled myself together and found new workers for me. Social workers whom (thanks to my counselor) I actually have a RIGHT to have. And they have been wonderful. They have showed me opportunities that I never knew. I appreciate them highly! Thanks to them I am writing here words and not in the hell-hole where i had to re-live my PTSD once again but in a small dorm-room (ahh.. now the homeless talk) where I at least - I can be in my beloved anti-social mode where im my most efficient and can just hide away from the cruel world (family most heh) and concentrate on what is most important. My health.

My health.. That is the crucial thing right now. How to start. Well I have never had the most horrid insomnia in my life as I have right now. 20+ days without REM-sleep (best was 30min to 4hours somewhere in between), it is eating me inside, killing me in every way possible and giving me physical diseases where i feel truly like I WILL die soon. (I suppose that is the reason that after months i feel i have to get these sentences done before i might actually die). The lack of sleep is the most awful, I cant sleep, i cant eat, my body is letting me down, the depression is taking its new levels like never before, yet i keep on hussling and putting my pokerface on. so at least, So at least - i would have some outfit to go out and have company for food. Yes - This is how poor rat I am, a miserable poor rat! I give my company for food and fun! During the mornings and days I do ALL the appointments and responsibilities, paperwork (which i’ve grown to be really good at!), and when the night comes, i need to load that affection down with finidng opportunities to fuel myself up in other ways. Hate me! Please hate me for that! I would be so much more happier, would give me more fuel to finally KILL myself!. That is all i need. To just SLEEP!

But I’m like weeds, that doesn’t die.

What ever I do, I just can’t die.

I hate it.

I wonder, perhaps... perhaps, this never ending insomnia will kill me perhaps in the end, wouldn’t it be lovely!

There was a day, just after i had hussled for 2 weeks straight really intensely to improve my life (what for? i dunno, just for my wonderful workers that i do not want to disappoint). And last week was even more harsher, until the most hardest day where i was running on energy levels i don’t know or seen before. I had few drinks, went to dancing, needed to load off, actually was just around the corner, but i hadn’t slept for few days straight whatsoever (i mean 0-sleep) and when i was just walking to home (temporary home) my brains suddenly blacked out in the street. I don’t remeber anything afterwards, but i was told i was on the street sleeping. Firstly i thought - sleeepig, So Nice, next thought , on the street? not nice..? After that i’ve been super afraid to go outside because my brain does NOT work properly at all. it can shut down any time, any where. one side of me is happy (maybe i will finally die) , other side of me is bit sad (ugh.. don’t want to cause any trouble to other people in case i survive). What a stupid stupid teenage life, isn’t it!

Yet don’t wonder. all i have, all i live in, is the worst case of PTSD that my parents have raised me into. and don’t get me wrong, i ain’t blaming anyone. its just my life.

Today i went to pharmacy and finally got my medicines (been waiting for them cos been too poor to buy the elementary, and by that i literally mean the most necessary and food even, but fuck it. i managed, i always manage. Anygay.. got my medicines which was packed literally in a BIG bag, like a usual bag you get from groceries. I was like.. wtf.. i really need all that shiet?!?? Oh well.) Been in doctors and given half of my blood and all the tests that one can possibly do. Now waiting in few days for my results. Going to be interesting because literally everything hurt! Also im so sick of my whining. That’s why im writing in here with vacant language right now. Just needed to get it all out. honestly as it is. Leaving fake mask. Sincerely, without 9 kilos of makeup & hairspray.

And then there is one thing that still keeps me going...

His blue eyes, his blue eyes give me the most motivation. I can’t disappoint him! I just can’t! He is the most most precious thing in my life. even though I don’t even have him anymore or ever will. He is more than Love, Family or Soulmate, he is THE. The matter or universe.

I also have a new friend who have grown to be very close to me which I appreciate highly, but my awful fear of anyone is making me suspicious of anyone in my life. I truly don’t trust no one anymore. How could i? Everyone just keeps on playing with me and hurting me. If a friend who was 10+ years in my life, then more.., could not handle me, then, who could ever ? And why even? What’s the point? I think people should get far away of me as possible! So I could die in peace. Alone, as i wish. I will never be bored. There will always be humans to excite, hurt and disappoint me. :)

And I shall just march on, and on and on...

#jesus #depressed #homeless #hospitalised #heartbroken #ptsd #insomnia #suicidal

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