#also please dont guilt trip me with ‘at least i got to go to college’ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ledamemangociana · 4 years

Text

2020 20 questions meme time UWU

i was tagged by @decertatio to do this! i havent spent enough time on here recently to tag anyone, B U T! if you see this and would like to do this, consider yourself tagged, and let me know! i wanna read your answers UWU

-----

1. Do you make your bed? - GAWD NO, at least not 70% of the time, im so bad at this. it’s coz on the weekdays, i start working at 6:30am or 7am at home coz my bosses are in Australia and a lot of our clients are in Australia and/or New Zealand, and they’re 3 or 4 hours ahead of us, so i gotta get on those emails and support case tickets as soon as i can, so i give myself about an hour to catch up, and then i hurry out of the condo to get to the office before im marked late at 10am lolololol. on the weekends, when im at home, BECAUSE im just at home, i never fix my bed coz im in it 85% of the time anyway lakdjf

2. What’s your favorite number? - 13, cliche as it sounds. not coz i think it’s lucky or anything, but because other people around me thought it was. i kind of clung onto it when i was in high school coz i wanted to fit in by standing out.

3. What’s your job? - An accounts and client services manager at a digital services agency.

4. If you could, would you go back to school? - Probably not. I love learning, HATE studying.

5. Can you parallel park? - i never got far enough into being taught how to drive by mom to get to parking

6. A job you had which would surprise people? I think every job I’ve ever held, tbh. I graduated interior design mainly because my dad told me to when i asked him if i should enroll in advertising instead (the entrance exam i passed was good for either course). the only ID job i ever had lasted only two weeks, at a firm i had to do my internship/OJT at. it was my first job, and i was let go after two weeks. after that, i was a call center agent for two months, and then a copywriter for 6 months, and then an SEO specialist for a year and a half, and then a social media content/community manager at one firm for one year, and then for another agency for 3 and a half, and now im in my second year as an accounts manager at a digital services cloud agency. even i’m surprised at this job list tbh.

7. Do you think aliens are real? - i absolutely do believe that we are not the only life in this big, huge, wide, expansive universe that the planet earth is but a miniscule blip on. there’s definitely other life out there.

8. Can you drive a manual car? - i haven’t driven a car legitimately outside of learning how to drive, but yeh i probably can, since that was what my mom taught me with.

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? - junk food and soft drinks, but in general i try not to feel guilty about anything i take pleasure in

10. Tattoos? - none, but i am ACHING for them. i’ve had ideas for a loooong time. one that i DEFINITELY want to get as my first one is part of a letter that i found that my mom wrote for me in high school. “i know that you will be able to stand up for yourself and the world will stop and take notice.” i still have the letter, so i still have it in her handwriting. i want it on the inside of my left forearm.

11. Favorite color? - Pink! lighter/softer/pastel shades are my preferred ones, but i love any shade or hue of pink tbh

12. Things people do that drive you crazy? - i hate fake guilt trips. like, when someone wants me to do something that i can’t do, they’ll come in with like “nah, it’s fine, i’ll just drop all these SUPER IMPORTANT things im doing and go out of my way to do this thing that im asking you to do because i’m SOOOOO sorry that you’re unable to do it yourself” coz it’s like...dude, if you really were able to do that or if you wanted to actually do that, you wouldn’t have asked me to do the thing in the first place. like, you’re clearly just saying that to make me feel bad enough to make me drop everything im doing and do whatever it is you asked me to do. i also hate when ppl fish for compliments by being falsely humble or self-deprecating. like. PLEASE, y’all, i’ve lived with negative amounts of self-esteem for literal decades, i know the difference between actual self-loathing and you just wanting to hear good things about yourself that you don’t want to be called narcissistic for saying about yourself. i know what it sounds like when someone is actually going THRU something or is actually having an actual hard time accepting themselves and/or asking people for what they need as opposed to when someone just wants to be told something. like. don’t insult my intelligence and experiences like that. granted, there are nuances to consider for all of these things, bUT like i said, i know the differences when i see them.

13. Any Phobias? - i have a phobia of drowning that’s light enough to NOT keep me away from water but bad enough to sometimes make watching or listening to scenes where someone could potentially drown to set some triggers off for me. i also just have a really really bad fear of dying because of getting my oxygen cut off, coz that sounds like a really slow, painful way to die.

14. Favorite childhood sport? - i was never really a sports kid. the only sport i ever really enjoyed playing willingly was badminton. i trained for a few summers but never competed, but i got good enough to make games in a court fun. i still have my badminton racquet, it’s the only Legit™ badminton racquet in the house (it’s a Yonex, handed down to me by my trainer, only been restrung twice or thrice coz the last restringing was done so damn well), all the other racquets were inexpensive unbranded knock-offs that were good enough for me and my family to have casual games with.

15. Do you talk to yourself? - yes but mostly as a product of deep focus or concentration, or really heavy emotion. having social media has lessened doing it for the latter since i can just vent on here or on twitter, but when im doing stuff for work that’s hard or needs a lot of focus or concentration, i have full-on stand-up meetings with myself.

16. What movie do you adore? - “Romy And Michele’s High School Reunion.” it’s not a perfect movie by any means, but for someone who was a bullied outcast for much of elementary and high school years in a private, all-girls, Catholic school where everyone was tall and thin and pretty and pale and smart and popular, ALL the things that i wasn’t, it was - is? - like a beacon or a hug.

17. Do you like doing puzzles? - heck yeh, coz solving them makes me feel smart, and not being able to solve them but learning HOW to is so much fun for me.

18. Favorite kind of music? - i don’t know that i have one, to be honest, i haven’t listened to current radio in literal YEARS because i dont own a radio in the condo, i barely watch TV anymore, and i dont spend enough time in a vehicle to really know what’s up. i enjoy pop, hip-hop, rnb, showtunes.

19. Tea or coffee? - more of a coffee person myself, actual tea always just tastes LEGITIMATELY like leaf water to me, and i cant find a liking for it. i do really love sweet tea and milktea tho. but yeh, im mostly a bean juice person.

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? - An architect, like my dad. i thought i would be one, up until i discovered writing in high school, and then i thought i wanted to become a journalist until i took it up as my first course in college and hated it. but yeh, it was always “architect! like daddy!” when i was asked that question when i was a kid. i looked up to him so much as a kid, and he and i were super tight when i was younger coz i was his firstborn and a daughter. we used to call each other best friends. i miss those days a lot; things between us seemed simpler, but maybe that’s because i didn’t have the ideals, knowledge and capacity to question the way he loves/loved me as My Parent™. our relationship these days is absolutely skewed and skewered.

#personalciana #Mango Goes to Jail #memeciana

2 notes · View notes

bristlepaws · 6 years

Text

HHRHHGH mumbled annoyances abt the bcb discord below the cut

idk if i should put this in the tag or not............idk, people will find it maybe, if they dont that may be for the best LOL

im gonna pull the constructive part out of the complaining so if all ur looking for is that, here:

- I’d like there to be more work done to keep people on-topic in the channels - Should really be separate channels for BCB-specific art and general art - Having a channel or a set of channels that’re for Adults to talk about the comic would be great (obviously no nsfw talk, but more mature themes are able to be discussed like mental illness, sexual harassment / assault, abuse, etc)

the next chunk is just me complaining, skip to the last section if you just wanna see What I’d Do Differently

i finally left the bcb discord today because Jesus Christ there is literally NO channel where people don’t spam shit i dont care about

started out following Every BCB-related channel, that turned out to be way too cluttered so i muted everything but the two bcb discussions channels, the bulletin channel, and the art channel

but people FREQUENTLY go off-topic in the bcb discussion channels. and also are like, weirdly inflammatory about what they say? honestly it just seems like a lot of people in the discord are Really Young, which is fine, but i wish there was a channel for like. adults to discuss the comic. because i get young people having an interest in it and im All For That, but it often led to a lot of really immature shit happening? and maybe the perpetrators of that weren’t young, maybe they were just immature

but like there’d regularly be shit posted in the discussion chat (for theories! and opinions! about the comic! which sounds great! until u go into it!) that was like.... “i’d love to just punch lucy” “mike can die in a fire” “david is the worst” etc. like .. i like, hearing people’s opinions, but, jesus? can we not like. talk about our opinions on different characters without resorting to That

plus people went off topic ssssooooo frequently, you’d start off in one channel talking about mike/lucy and all their problems and then it’d somehow switch to one person telling everyone else they were idiots for not seeing that lucy is garbage and THEN it’d switch to some random topic.

even in The Place For Art people went off topic a LOT (one time i contributed to the conversation and that was the only time i saw anyone get called out for posting in the wrong channel, ironically, dkjgnfkjgndf MY BAD THO FOR ENCOURAGING IT)

not to mention people spam the “show me old art” command in the art room and like..... Blease. please go do that in the room that’s Specifically For Bot Commands

also i’d really like to see an art room for General Art and a room for BCB-specific art. im only there for the bcb art. specifically for the NEW bcb art.

i guess my biggest frustration with it was just how often it Wasn’t about bcb, even tho bcb was all i was there for? idk it wouldve been nice to have discussions with people, but the few discussions i got involved in got WAY out of hand really quickly (with people zooming off topic or guilt-tripping others or saying characters should die). better organization of channels would also be nice. idk.

back to semi-constructive:

if i made my own bcb discord server (which i wont, because that’d be rude to the creators who put a bunch of time / effort into making this one), here’s how i’d do it:

Area for general topics, not related to BCB. - General (where Whatever can be talked about) - General Art - Bot room (bot commands used) - Meme room - Music room (song recs, playlists, maybe videos) - Maybe a room for discussing / recommending other comics. - Maybe a room /specifically/ for venting in bc people seem to like doing that

Area for BCB specific topics. - General BCB (just talking about Whatever in relation to the comic, can even be shitposts/memes as long as they’re on-topic) - Page Update Room (nobody BUT the page updater can talk, that way people can have alerts to this on w/o getting clutter) - Discussion room (talking about the characters / the story, making sure to include in the rules that saying shit like “x character sucks” and “x character should die / get beat up” is not cool, as well as rules abt Being Nice To Vero) - BCB art room where candybooru posts are shared (as they’re uploaded) and people can share their bcb-specific art

Area for Real Adults (over 18 at least, maybe even pushing it to 21 & over) - General - BCB-specific discussion (can just talk about bcb in a place where There Aren’t Kids) - BCB-specific Extra Adult Discussion (talk specifically about mature topics like mental illness/etc)

and then i’d have mods that like regularly pushed people into the right channels or encourage everyone to keep each other in check.

idk i think that’s it...... if i think of anything else to add i’ll do that,,, later

i might like. ask oliver if i can make an adults-only BCB channel (specifically banning nsfw art/talk tho) that’s more for like... discussion and such that is More Mature. maybe. idk. i’m gonna have time once im Out Of College

and a final disclaimer: im not Against kids liking the comics, im just in a very different place from people younger than me in like... how i view the topics. in fact im in a Very Different Place from me 3 years ago wanting to talk about the comic. so if ur young and you like the comic that’s fine! it’s good! i just want to be able to Also talk abt it with my peers

oh and another final disclaimer: i know Oliver is doing his best w/ like.. running this discord & keeping up with everything, it seems like A Lot. fully no shade intended here, i just wanted to like air my personal grievances with the discord. & i understand that a lot of my frustration is due to.... the type of people that post the most in the discord. which is why i’d vote for a Mature Area (god i sound pretentious saying that, im so sorry).

#i should be studying but i got distracted #this got Long Sorry #also a lot of it is just me complaining & im aware that oliver and vero dont have like... time to do everything #and also that my desires for the discord are specific to me #so this isnt meant in any bad faith #just wanted to grumble about some parts of it #bcb ramblings #text #text wall

9 notes · View notes

anti-yandere-dev · 7 years

Text

hey so i 'redid' the yansim characters but not all of them i wrote 2 much so

[I put the submission under the cut since it was pretty lengthy]

hey whats up guys i had 2 put this in a submission as well as literally typed this in a note bc im on data & i dont wanna use a lot of it

basically my au takes place in a college instead. seems more fitting bc theyre actual adults & just feels Right.

theres more characters than there is in the original but thats mainly because i took the ‘genderbent versions’ & made them useful (i pretty much made them in2 siblings 4 some characters lol) anyways!! lets break down the characters

also lads, lassies, non-gender specific term for those bc i dont know the term, im givin yall a warning 4 self harm, suicide, nsfw implications/rape, possible drug abuse, and the rest of the Basic Criteria

Akihiko (Previously known as Senpai): He’s gay & trans. His name means 'bright prince’ which really has no significance, I just thought it was pretty……………and everyone views him as a prince bc he’s rly nice and kind and forgiving and actually has a personality other than being a cardboard box. Eventually gets into a commited relationship w/ 'Yandere-kun’ who I really need to give a name. Akihiko has a twin brother, I took that idea from the possibility of a younger sister, and admittingly(admittedly???) enough, Koumi’s 'genderbent’ Hanako. I’ll get into detail on his twin later, but they have a pretty good relationship. Akihiko (it was at this point i actually looked up a name 4 him & went back 2 edit stuff bc i h8 senpai lol) is still childhood friends w/ 'Osana’, who I renamed Ami(i4got her last name i had 4 her). However, neither of them have romantic feelings for one another, considering Akihiko is only attracted to males, and Ami is only attracted to females(theyre gay.). Akihiko actually meets Ayano when she is about to commit suicide, when he saves her. Ami is there with him, so they both save her. Aside from slight backstory related stuff, Akihiko is actually rather popular. People like him for an actual personality this time!! He’s very kind and puts others needs before his, which is rather dangerous. Ami has lectured him on this many times. Akihiko’s also known for having really good grades and being very helpful when it comes to tutoring others. He meets Ichirou (yandere-kun i literally just looked up anothr name his name means first son bc hes the first son btw lolol) eventually when Ayano invites him over. (sry this is everywhere btw i should have put this in2 a specific order) ngl i feel like this is enough on akihiko like if u wanna kno more abt him hmu on my main christopherpierre-official

Ami (Previously known as Osana): god shes so fucking gay like as soon as she met ayano she fuckign DIED bc she loves her so much???she thinks ayano is like. the prettiest fuckgin girl ever. holy fuckshit shes GAY AND WILL DEFEND AYANO WOTH HER LIFE!!!! Anyways. Ami comes from a dangerously abusive household, and as a result, took a lot of self defense classes when she ran away at age 13. (what year is tht in japan pls help) She still retains some of her 'tsundere’ personality, but she’s more thoughtful of others feelings. She met Ayano as she was about to throw herself into highly active traffic, but she and Akihiko were able to stop her before she could hurt herself. As soon as Ami and Akihiko were able to calm Ayano down, they called an ambulance/contacted the hospital, considering she had a lot of bruises and cuts. They would later find out Ayano’s father was extremely abusive, and the mother was unable to do anything because she was away on a trip for work. A lot of people know Ami for how assertive she can be, misinterpreting her mostly good intentions as aggressive. Ami is mostly known for her knowledge on medical related things, but she still has a slightly bad reputation because of how rude she comes off as. again thts enougb on ami if u wanna kno more just ask me!!

Ayano: still keeps the name bc I Like It?? its pretty fuck u. Ayano has none of her yandere personality. She’s fuckign AFRAID of everything bc of her SHIT ASS ABUSIVE DAD!! Her mom’s still kinda yandere tho, but she didnt kidnal the dad or anything. Their marriage is founded off of Pure And Honest Love…….until the mom kills the dad 4 being a homphobic shit bitch lol. Ayano actually has a lot of self harm scars. She barely gets to see her older brother, Ichirou, who is two years older than her, because he’s away or some shit idk he gets abused p badly too tho. Ayano is rly reserved & quiet & im debating on giving her bpd but its Iffy idk. she has ptsd & kinda sorta got raped by some Fucker in middle school (ichirou took care of the fucker (: hes dead.) so she has a lot of trauma going on here!! I kinda sorta projected some emotional trauma of mine onto Ayano;;; Obviously when Ami found out she was fuxking enraged. Ayano can’t afford to move out of her house just yet, and her brother can’t necessarily take her in, nor does he have her contact info. He kinda sorta left thr country for a bit?? Not sure what country I want this to take place in yet. However, Ichirou is fairly powerless against his father as well, so he took a lot of the beatings, (even tho this boy is fucking Strong as Hell like GOD FUCKIN DAMN!!! he can lift his own mom w/o an issue!! but he kinda left like right away as soon as he could & couldnt take ayano i mean she was still in high school & he Obviously has guilt over not taking her w/ him) but not as many as Ayano, seeing as to how she was the fathers least favourite. Her mother never married the father, and she didn’t want the children to inherit his last name either. …..anyways this is enough i thimk

Ichirou (Previously Yandere-kun): Gay. Loves Akihiko. Retains the yandere personality, but it’s not as bad??? He left the [insert surname household here fuck aishi its not even a Real japanese surname] household as soon as possible, and had immediate regrets. Loves his darling little sister with all of his heart, but it’s literally not incestuous. It’s just good sibling love………also he likes 2 embarass ayano a lot lol. As soon as he met Akihiko, who I never mentioned to have pastel pink hair, he fell in love like, right away? Even though I personally don’t believe in love at first sight (that’s a lie I fell in love w/ most of my anime bf’s @ first sight i can shut the Fuck Off) Ichirou was just??immediately enchanted by this beautiful prince…….he’s just that gay. He’s 2 whole singular years older than Ayano. actually not 2 whole years but w/e hes a scorpio tho. Ichirou has definitely been in relationships w/ other men b4 but they didn’t work out too well. Some rando called him 'daddy’ once and wanted to fucking Die he has shit experiences with his dad & hates the daddy kink so much. He also has ptsd. Doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions at all so he just bottles them up and lets them out all at once and it’s a mess. Also has self harm scars, and some scars from his father trying to Literally Kill Him. This boy……strong as fuck. Can lift his own mom. Has held Ami, Ayano, and Akihiko all at once. Somehow. He’s just a really good older brother? But he’s also really sneaky. While he is jealous of the time Ami & Ayano spend with Akihiko (the A squad lol i just realized their names all start w/ the letter a) he does respect that they’re really close friends, and nothing more. He’s also aware of the unsaid feelings between Ayano and Ami (vry perceptive) so he doesn’t care lol. However, he has little to no tolerance of anyone else being around him. He has a slight distaste for Akihiko’s twin, Kazuhiko (the name means harmonious prince i got a Theme goin on here) but he disregards the feelings. wow talk abt an Info Dump okay next 1

Kazuhiko (Previously the 'genderbent’ little sister/brother, made him into Akihiko’s twin brother): He’s actually a yandere too?? But not 4 Akihiko. He’s vry supportive of Akihiko tho. When he & his twin were in middle school, he gave his uniform to his brother bc he still got the sailor uniform, so he took it. There were some troubles but hey I don’t know how this shit is dealt w/ so please. Just accept this brother supporting his gay trans twin……pls….. He enjoys Ayano’s company. She reminds him of his gf/d8m8, the 'genderbent’ version of “”“"senpai”“”“ (theyre cousins but nobody knows yet so thats why) so he introduces them and they hit it off pretty well! Kazuhiko get Jealous™ and nearly exposes his yandere personality but his Lovely Beautiful Nonbinary Girlfriend reassures him tht they only love him. He loves Yuuka (their full name is yuuka minako) so much?? He would kill 4 them. Literally. He almost has. & b4 i accidentally make a cishet character bc i Refuse 2 4 some???odd reason idk, kazuhiko is a Bisexual Demiboy who fell in love w/ a nonbinary who is okay w/ feminine aligned things. Back on track, Kazuhiko is fairly popular w/ a lot of people for many reasons, and oh wow what a Fucking Cliche ppl r strongly sexually attracted to him!!coolio. he looks nothing like koumis fuckass potato lookin little brother btw. But a lot of people hate the fact that he’s in a Very Committed Relationship w/ Yuuka bc shes not that pretty damn!! But she is. She’s so fucking pretty. To him, at least. He basically fucking worships Yuuka. this is A Lot next character lol

Yuuka (Previously 'Senpai-chan’ or w/e lol): Nonbinary who’s fine w/ she/her pronouns, but also uses they/them. Very shy, Ayano & Ichirou’s cousin. Has a younger sister, and two older siblings who are twins. The younger sister is the old concept for the original little sister, and the older siblings are nemesis-chan & 'nemesis-kun’. While Yuuka and their siblings have lived a fairly abusive life, they haven’t sustained as much 'damage’ as Ayano’s family. Yuuka & Ayano are related by their mothers. They are sisters, only a year and an undetermined amount of months apart. This means after Ryoba, Ayano’s mother, or Sakurako, Yuuka’s mother, moved away, they lost contact with one another, never bothering to talk again. Yuuka and Ayano get along exceptionally well, and Hanako (u remember the little sister well her name stays the same bc its meaning is just flower child. also her design changes.) often refers to Ayano as an elder sister. Yuuka’s relationship with her little sister is somewhat strained due to the three year age gap, but they still get along regardless. Their relationship is strained because Yuuka promises to spend more time with their younger sister, but there’s not much time due to an overwhelming amount of schoolwork, as well as their job taking up a lot of time, too. Regardless, Yuuka doesn’t forget to call their darling little sister as often as she can, checking up on her and how well she’s doing in school. next 1!!!! also i4got 2 talk abt their relationship w/ kazuhiko here bc i was rly focused on mentioning family stuff…..oops (also 4got 2 mention mental health stuff??but like. yuuka has adhd, depression, anxiety, u can just ask me if u wanna know more tbh)

Hanako: i kept the name bc it just literally means flower child & honestly shes such a flowery child??anyways. Hanako retains little to none of her annoying rip-off-nico personality. Instead, she has set up a calm, shy exterior as a defense mechanism due to the many years of neglect she received from her father. (me @ myself y r all the dad characters fuxking Dicks in this like??okay damn.) On top of that, growing up, her mother was never around, due to the fact that she was in the hospital to a terminal illness. Instead, she had to rely on Yuuka for attention, since the twins, Tomoko (sister) and Kiyoshi (brother) left before she graduated her first year in middle school. Hanako also has difficulties with her schoolwork because she, much like her sister, has ADHD. Due to this, she struggles to keep up with the class, and has a hard time paying attention to almost anything that doesn’t interest her enough. However, she has many supports, helping her as much as possible in many ways, which does make her feel better about herself. After her mother had made a full recovery and left the hospital in her current year, she has felt much better about herself, and her grades have definitely improved. Although her father did leave her a while back when she found out he was having an affair on her mom, she still managed fairly well on her own. i mean cmon its not like she liked her dad tht much lol he was a Big Fucking Asswipe hanako isnt as fleshed out as i wished her 2 b but shes not That signigicant to the main story??idk. like shes still in highschool & shes only 17 & this takes place in college so??i dunno. i mean if u got suggestions or smth..sure

Tomoko (Previously Nemesis-chan, made her one of the older siblings bc idk y not lol: There’s not much to say about her. She’s 28, which is only 11 years apart from Hanako. She was entirely capable of filling in the missing mother role for her and Yuuka, but she herself didn’t know what to do. On top of that, she was more focused on getting the best grades out of the entire class, and was much better at academics than her brother. Tomoko has a very cold exterior. She is hard to connect with, and pays little to no attention to anyone elses feelings than her own. This mainly stems from the fact that her father, who she doesn’t even consider a blood related relative, was too busy messing around with other women. buddy i dont know what else 2 write 4 tomoko like she just has severe apathy issues & just doesnt know how 2 connect w/ others. next character

Kiyoshi (Previously Koumi’s shit ass 'genderbend’ Nemesis-chan): Unlike Tomoko, he was able to fill in the father-like role for Yuuka and Hanako. Due to having to take on the role of the father, it put a large strain on his academics and work outside of school. He, at one point, almost had to drop out to take care of his younger siblings, but decided against it. He eventually decided to teach Yuuka how to do her own laundry and how to cook when she was only 9. Due to this, Yuuka was able to take care of herself and Hanako while Kiyoshi could work and pay their bills. Kiyoshi was only 23 when he left the household so he could go to college and get a degree, leaving Yuuka at age 15, and Hanako at age 12. he could b more fleshed out but im??i dunno. im Panicking okay do u think i can work on a character tht doesnt rly show up in the story a lot.

anyways im just putting all of These Guys in 1 this 4 now bc this is A Lot as it is. ill do more later also give me criticism on these pls

I really like what you’ve done with the characters (especially now that they have personalities and stories behind them, instead of just nothing). Also, the names you gave them were cute.

-Mod Sega

#submission #yansim au

22 notes · View notes

wandering4ever · 7 years

Text

#wanderbloop #brain dump #tw i think #im yoo tired to reread in sorry

1 note · View note

jess-oh · 5 years

Text

Reflection

hey God,

i feel really guilty right now.

to the point that i feel physically sick and could barf at any moment. i can already feel the stomach acids starting to burn my throat.

a part of me just wants to cry.

God, I’m losing sight of who I am in you.

I’ve been experimenting a lot recently and doing things that I thought were just me getting back to my roots and who I am but I’m realizing a lot of the things I used to do weren’t very pleasing to you. I do really enjoy stand up comedians and I think they’re really funny. And enjoying their blunt nature isn’t bad in it of itself. But they do curse. A lot. And use your name in vain. A lot. I don’t feel comfortable sharing that side of me and those interests with the people at church because a part of me knows it isn’t pleasing to you. It isn’t honoring to you. But because I can’t face that truth and reality of the situation, I just blame everyone else. I just say, “Oh, I have nothing in common with the people at Lakeview or Movement. That’s why we can’t get along. It’s their fault, not mine. They should try harder to have more things in common with me. I’ve already tried too hard and too much. I deserve to rest. I deserve to be served.” And things along those lines. Those aren’t all things I’ve necessarily explicitly said but they are definitely some of my inner thoughts that I choose to ignore but are definitely there. Of course I don’t get along with everyone. I have such a me vs them mindset and blame them for my pain and misfortune instead of just really genuinely caring for them and serving them. I can’t expect the community to get better overnight and magically get better at welcoming. Ideally, they already would have that personality and willingness. In this case, they don’t. And that’s okay. But I need to learn to humble myself and really invest in them as individuals to be more welcoming and accepting. i need to be a role model for them and encourage/challenge them to do the same. instead of just expecting them to act that way.

sidenote: i am really irrationally afraid that someone is going to break into my apartment when im not home and be hiding in my room or something and attack me or steal from me or other things to me. im really afraid someone is going to break into my apartment w/o me knowing and i’ll just come home totally unsuspecting and be susceptible to danger i dont even know exists.

but tbh, im also afraid of people breaking in while im home as well. im just really afraid of living alone, surprisingly. bc at least if theres two of us and someone breaks in, one person can help the other or call the police or help attack the perpetrator or something. if im alone, i have to struggle on my own. theres no one that’s got my back. i just need to do my best to survive in the moment. i would feel so much fear if i heard someone’s footsteps in my apartment or someone opening the door. i would probably turn off my lights and hide in my closet but be so on edge that i would be found out. i never want to experience that. ever. God, please make it so I never do. Please.

i feel kinda guilty rn bc i wanted to stay up to plan my class for kidsland today but honestly i just feel so nauseous and my throat feels so acidic that i think itd just be better if i slept now and planned my class tomorrow. i know i shouldve been/done a better job at preparing sooner but i didnt so here i am now.

------

i ended up falling asleep and just doing the research/getting my notes together this morning on the train and while at church before the teacher’s meeting

i was planning on staying up to do the design so as to not disappoint jenny and do the necessary research for my class so they have a good time and make the most of my opportunity teaching them but i honestly felt so nauseous and did barf a little last night. i knew it’d be better to just sleep and hopefully feel better in the morning and then work on my materials today. and i was right. i did feel better after sleeping and i was still able to get my materials together today.

so last night, i went to ari’s party and i didn’t think it would be like a college party party. i thought it would just be a small kickback with some friends where some people drank, some people didnt, and we just played games together all night long. i didnt think there would be so much booze, so many people i didnt know, so much talk about sexually immoral things, and feel so incredibly hated and persecuted and judged for my faith and how i carry myself. i knew people were judging me for leaving when they were starting their kink game. for judging me for not drinking alcohol. for not wholeheartedly agreeing with their beliefs that Catholicism is horrible and that God isn’t real. I was one of three straight, binary people at the party last night out of maybe twenty people. And as it gets increasingly harder to be a Christian, I feel even more and more alone from the people in Movement. And a part of me really wants to leave. I’ve tried and tried and tried so hard for so long to be a part of the community and in the end, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Today, P. Josh preached about evangelizing and what it means to share the gospel. And then P. William introduced communion and challenged us and asked if we were serious about actually living this out and constantly sharing the gospel and being defined by this. And ultimately, I was too afraid. Thinking about myself in the room with everyone at the party last night, I felt so alone. And I didn’t want to lose them. I didn’t want to risk the community and friends I feel like I do have—especially with my co-workers who have been there for me during such trying times and have comforted me and accepted me as I am—for the sake of the gospel. I know this is something I need to do and should do and how God, you, have called me to live. But I couldn’t do it. Because without them, I feel like I don’t have anyone. I know that I need to just get over the Chinatown outing/trip that happened in April but I really was so incredibly hurt by that. Because it was honestly just hard for me to even give people the opportunity to come downtown again. To show that they do care about us and see us as a part of the community. And they were so seemingly excited to go too. So when almost no one showed up, I was honestly heartbroken. Them not coming and not telling us they couldn’t come just meant to me that we weren’t worth the time or energy to travel that far. Because we aren’t that important to them. We aren’t a part of the community. We’re on our own. And I know that Amanda has got my back and I do love her dearly. But she isn’t in Movement anymore. She graduated. She’s moving on. She’s in Catalyst now. And I’m on my own. And honestly, I don’t feel a community with Movement. Instead, I feel like I need to be strong for them and be someone they can rely upon and look up and trust to do what is right and lead by example. I want to leave Movement, and maybe even Lakeview now, knowing that I was able to disciple people well enough where I can trust that the community will keep growing in the right direction. That even when I leave, there will be willing people. People willing to put in the time and worth and effort and energy to make sure that they are a people striving to be more like Christ. Striving to make sure no one feels left out or left behind. Striving for a better future. And I know I’m only human and ultimately it has to be through God working in me for this to become possible.

But I know every single person in new MAST has a good heart. They do all want a better future. They want to build a community of acceptance and openness. I genuinely believe this as fact. But they aren’t there yet to make this a reality. I want to be able to stand firm in my faith and do what is right even if I am alone in doing so. Even if they would rather fit in with each other or take the easy way out, I want to be able to stand tall and strong. Even if I am alone. Even if no one is on my side. I want to continue to do what is right because I know it is pleasing to the Lord. Because I trust that He will move within their hearts and that they will eventually learn to also do what is right. But I don’t know if I can give up my friends at school, people I actually get along so easily and well with. People that have common, shared interests with me. We watch the same shows, have the same hobbies, like the same supplies. I have almost nothing in common with the people at Movement. I kind of don’t even really have anything in common with the people at Lakeview. And I have tried to find common interest. I tried to get into smash but I don’t really has easy/ready to access opportunity to play or practice smash regularly. I don’t play sports, nor do I really have the resources to engage in sports even if I wanted to. There’s not really a sports team or anything at my school. I tried to get into k-pop and other korean stuff and ended up just being ignorant and excluding the non-koreans in our community. i dont know what else to do.

and i know, having Christ in common is supposed to be the most important thing and of much greater value and importance than any of these other things in the world. But I really would like to have at least just one friend in Movement to whom I can talk to so easily and freely. Someone I actually have things in common with. Someone I can relate to. Someone who obsesses over the same things I do and shares common interest with me. Is that too much to ask?

Today, I left before P. William started communion. I really tried to stay but I knew I would feel way too much guilt to partake in communion when I myself was internally struggling so much with preaching the gospel. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make a false promise to God. And I didn’t want everyone to notice me in the pew not going up when everyone else did. So I left.

And I can just chalk it up to feel nauseous again or something which could totally pass because I actually was in the restroom for the whole time until I had to go and teach for Kidsland. But the truth is, I just couldn’t face it. I was too afraid. I couldn’t make that commitment to God. At least not then. And not now either. I just couldn’t do it. So like a coward, I left.

And I was really anxious about running into P. Josh or P. William again after that. I was even kind of dreading going into college hour because I didn’t want P. Josh to ask me why I suddenly left and just blatantly lie to his face. I couldn’t do that to him. I have too much love and respect for him. But I also don’t know if I can just be honest and tell him the truth either.

Even right now. I’m debating on whether or not to go to Jenny’s thing tonight. I don’t know if I’ll have the strength and energy to pretend to be totally fine and happy the whole time and like nothing is wrong when in reality, it feels like I’m drowning. Like everything is crashing and burning down around me.

But I feel like I’ve already told too many people that have asked if I’m coming that I am. I feel like I just have to go and get it over with at this point. I could still potentially bail on tonight and say I was feeling sick again. I don’t know yet.

I’m still trying to figure things out.

Please bring my clarity on what I should do, God. Please.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep living this life.

Why am I even here? Maybe I should just leave.

I was able to pretend like everything was fine during class today for Kidsland. I just hope I can do that for a longer period of time with the adults. As long as I just avoid everyone in Movement, I think I’ll be okay.

Sigh.

Okay.

I got this.

I just. I need to really pray and intercede on these things to God later. When I’m alone. I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m going through right now in fear that it’ll just end up being burdensome to them. P. Josh doesn’t need to hear this again or how I’m struggling with being a Christian at my school again.

I just feel so alone and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Honestly, even today during college hour, when P. Josh and Christine asked what we want out of these summer sessions, I wanted to say that I just want feel accepted and like I have a community and group of people I can rely on—especially as it gets harder and harder to be friends with the people at school and as they persecute God and Christianity in increasing amounts. But I couldn’t bring myself to say and confess that without feeling like I was going to cry. So I didn’t say anything at all and just kept my mouth shut.

I volunteered to share my life story next week. Hopefully I’ll be in a better place and more mentally stable to share then.

#reflection

0 notes