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#also please help I’ve been listening to nothing but jubilee line all day it’s so good but m a n
zeb-z · 3 years
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shout at the wall
because the walls don’t fucking love you
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jungsdaily · 5 years
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What if we were better then? When we were wrong?
The title of this post is the actual title of a single. It belongs to an independent band that you might not even know who they are but I knew. I may belong to a small group of fans that knew this band did exist. The single itself actually doesn’t represent the title, the lyric is redundant and doesn’t really tell what it means. Simply, it doesn’t have any correlation at all.
But it means something for me since I listen to this song because I knew someone from the band and guess what, he owns special place in my heart.
I originally not attracted to him at the first sight, our meeting was plain. Unlike the other guys I have told you here. I clearly remember that day, the first day of me starting internship in London. I thought this guy was the staff and I acted really polite until I found out he was also an internship student. Nothing special from him. He basically shut all day long, he barely said a single word.
Then like what I did to everyone I knew, I gathered information. I asked him few questions relating schools, parents, job, nothing special (again). I got enough information but I guess something is still missing. He didn’t disclose who really was but my gut told me that he is not ordinary. I started to develop a curiosity and I have to tell you that I’m good with stalking or deducting somebody’s background based on available information.
It was odd when he started his internship in the middle of the month, unlike me who has to start at the beginning of the month (and my other friend). It was weirder when he worked under the Chief not the manager, once again unlike me. Deducting from those facts, I thought his parents have some influence or power in the institution. But I didn’t look for his background that much then since my mind was to busy occupied by everything that went wrong that time.
Until someday, it was only me and him in the room. It was only both of us for two days and we started having conversation. Not the general one but more specific.
He started to ask me what I’m doing. And I answered either I worked on a task or write a blog. And I started to ask him what is his favourite music or movie.
“So tell me what’s your favourite music?”
“60s rock I guess,” and I listed the band I knew from that era because I also like rock music from old times.
“Beatles?”
“No. I don’t listen to them and they are not rock.”
“Guns n Roses? Metallica?”
“They came from 1980s.”
“Rainbow? Dream Theatre? Nirvana?”
“Nirvana is popular in 1990s.”
“Led Zeppelin?”
“Yes, I listen to some of their songs. Well I guess the artists that I listen to, you barely know it.”
“I guess so. Then, what kind of movie that you usually watch?”
“It depends on my mood. Basically I watch everything according to what mood I’m on.”
“No favourite?”
“Depends, I told you. But I like some kind of mind blowing movies like Stanley Kubrick’s, Scorsese, David Fincher.”
Here we go, finally I found the common ground. Then we talked a lot about movies.
Next day, we had another conversation and for the first time I involved in an argument with him. At first I told him that I’ve been to lots of places in UK and only Nottingham left. I said that I want to go to Nottingham where he studied.
“There’s nothing there. Why bother?”
“Are you sure? I mean there must be something.”
“I swear there’s nothing. You know that most of place that you’ve been before has similar layout? That’s how it is. City centre then surrounded by residential place, nothing else.”
“I agree with that but still it’s different. Like when you go to Europe, they may have similar ‘template’ I would say but the vibe is different, the people are different.”
“No, they are not. Compared to Indonesia, there’s no distinct differences.”
“I agree but can’t you feel? Londoners and people from Oxford are different.”
“Can you tell me how is it different?”
“I just feel it.”
“They are not. I don’t feel that way, neither do my friends. They think just like me. You are the only person who said that UK and Europe are different.”
“Because they are. Have you been around?”
“I have. And I see nothing, they’re all the same. You see if you come from Jakarta then go to Bandung, you’ll feel something else. Either it’s the people, the city, or the food. Same things go when you visit Bali or Semarang or Solo. See, Indonesian are distinct and that’s why I like it more.”
“I don’t know if it’s just me but I sense the unique vibe on each city. Yes they are all might look the same here but the people. Like in London, I’ve never been discriminated or something, they are all nice.”
“Have you been into villages? Those people are damn racist.”
“Really?”
“Yep, I’ve experienced once. Perhaps you need to go deeper and further.”
“Well, probably. But never once in my life I encountered such discrimination. Most people are nice to me, they are helpful. Even in London, that’s why I’m wondering why my friends keep telling me that London is bad.”
“When do you usually go? Day or night?”
“Both.”
“You are such a positive person. But it’s still the same.”
“Okay, I’ll just go with your opinion.”
Since that day I think I have different point of view towards him. I thought he’s unreachable person to talk to. Turns out he’s a nice person to build a conversation with. However I doubt my feelings, I ignore it. I didn’t think he’s special, he just what he is.
The only thing that hold me back to get attracted perhaps his smoking habit. I don’t like smoker and it’s my preference. For me smoking is not good for health and why bother poisoning one self slowly like that? Moreover smoking is dangerous for other people too. Instead of smoking tobacco why don’t you just smoke weed?
Well for me weed is better tho.
One day I asked him to join me and my friends to have lunch. And it made me sad that he wasn’t really satisfied with the place I recommend. No hard feelings, I told my self. He might just has his own preferences. Later on, we bumped to each other without me realised it. He touched my shoulder when I walked past through him, that was when I was busy talking with the guy who occupied my mind all the time. Later on I realised, he was there and I ignored him.
Suddenly I realised that it was too quick for me to let him go. Yes, it’s almost the time he finished his internship meanwhile I was still there continuing another month.
Two days before his last internship, there was an event organised by the institution we were working on. Nothing special occurred that day until we were told to get off. However he and my friend didn’t want to come home early. It was basically his idea. “What if we just hang out?” And yea we hung out.
We have no idea where to go because there’s no cafe or restaurant nearby and I was skint without quids. So we stopped by Leon. My friend looked for a table for us meanwhile I decided to order first and here he is, he ordered with me. Like you can order it later by yourself or with my friend but he chose to stand by me and looked at the menu displayed above.
“So what’s your recommendation?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never been here before. I saw Titus ate the burger or something few days ago and it looked delicious,” I hesitated.
“I see. What are you going to order?”
“I will just go with latte since I’m poor.”
“Okay.”
Things went awkward and I saved myself by ordering the latte and he ordered a burger. I just realised it today, he made a move and I wasted it. What a fool!
Or perhaps I just misinterpreted it today?
Later on we were gathering in the table and we discussed some things. Things that happened during the event, our future, what will we do next? To be honest, he barely engaged into the conversation, it was only me and my friend that speaking and he was just observing. Finishing meal, we decided not to stay longer but walk around Westminster. We went to Vauxhall bridge, they took some pictures, then we walked through south bank until we reach London bridge, the Parliament, and we stopped by the Westminster’s Pier. We sat on a bench across the Scotland Yard. For the first time I realised, Scotland Yard lies close to Westminster station, facing Thames River and the London Eye.
We sat, they smoked, I recorded the London Eye’s light followed by music thumping by the river.
“Send me the video, please,” Titus asked me. Then he asked me too, “I want the video too,” he said.
“But I don’t have your number.”
“Here,” he gave me his number. After I sent the video to them, I talked about the number. Like it means nothing once we go back because they will have different number. They are using UK’s number so It will be changed eventually once they return for good to Indonesia.
Titus told me not to worry because the Whatsapp feature will change the number automatically or something. In fact, my close friend’s number cannot be changed automatically.
Therefore I think I’ve missed my chance a lot.
Later when they finished smoking, we walked to the station. The time tells us to come home. It’s been a long evening we had and long conversation. Me and Titus head to same direction, actually. We could take a tube from Westminster station meanwhile he had to head to other direction. Somehow me and Titus managed to drag him go to Westminster station.
Without a clue and it was my mistake actually, he went with me taking Jubilee line instead of District line which was faster for him to stop by Embankment and change to Northern Line. Titus went off first, it was only me and him. We talked about our Europe Trip and once again I feel connected. Like we have been to similar places and he was so happy when he told me about his Europe Trip experience last summer, just like I did. I still remember the tone and his face when he shared his story with me, the excitement and the similar experience we had.
So he followed me to Jubilee line platform and I asked him where he lives, how he get to the place and et cetera. I gathered enough information once again but not enough to really understand him.
Once we step onto the train, we stood side by side. He was so tall that I have to look above, beside him I felt so small. So small and crumpled. It was awkward honestly, I didn’t feel comfortable because it was our first time stand so close like that. Then we managed to continue our conversation. Perhaps that was when I started to develop a feeling for him?
After two stations or three he went off and we said goodbye, I waved my hand.
We met again later on his last day internship, he was wearing batik. Nothing special that day, we don’t have assignments. I barely felt any sadness because he will be gone. In the evening, the sadness kicked in.
They shook the staffs’ hand to say goodbye and I followed them until we got stuck in front of the elevator meeting our supervisor. As usual the supervisor threw jokes especially for him. The supervisor acted as matchmaker, he kept saying a name and he didn’t seem comfortable with that. I was throwing the same joke, “Just say ‘Amin’ who knows the future?” I said to him. He didn’t say a word.
“Who knows that you’ll get married with that woman,” I continue. Then he said,”You won’t be invited then.”
There he goes. At a moment I was frozen and he shot me right. I think that’s where it all started, I like him.
My brain tried so hard to process what did he mean but I ignored it once again because I just didn’t want to get hyped by a simple meaningless word. Then I remember the day when we attended the event, the day before we headed to eat in Leon. He got the same joke and I said, “Why are you so plain about this?”
and he said, “I need to reply this message,” without looking at me. He stared on his phone. Then nothing goes beyond that.
That evening, the last day. When we took picture together, the sadness kicked in. I was regretting the time I had whilst he was there, never once I asked him to go out. I was regretting the time when I had the opportunity to gather as much information as I could but I didn’t do it.
After we met the staff and got lectured, we took off. Once again it was only me and him in the library and I would like to say goodbye one last time. I encouraged my self to ask him out, “Can we have dinner tonight?” He said he couldn’t because he already had a plan. And there’s no more after that because he has to stay with the Chief.
I wasted my opportunity.
“We forgot to take picture.”
“We did.”
“Only us three,” he said. He wanted to take picture only us three without the staff.
“That’s fine, there will be next time,” I said. Until today, there’s no next time for us.
For the last time, I didn’t want to miss my chance again. He asked me for a direction to go to his friend’s place and I was willingly help him. I accompanied him taking the tube and showed direction, I hope he got to his friend’s place safely. And that was the last time we met. “Turns out you’re such a nice friend to talk to. I thought you were a quiet person.”
“I am a quiet person,” he said.
Then there’s no conversation between us again. No rendezvous afterwards. And I just hang my feelings right there.
Even to text him “How are you?” I don’t have the guts.
There are lots of things I want to say to him like, “How’s your band? Are you making a new song? I will wait for it.”
or
“How’s your life has been going?”
Will it be too much for me to expect him meet me? Or it was just my delusions that he actually gave me opportunities while we were in London? To think about it again, I missed a lot because I was too focused on the other guy. I regret it now.
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