#also protect hailey upton

[torreshalstead]

holy ground - part 2

Summary - Her fingers twitched, brushing against soft warm skin. But it wasn’t her own.

Hailey’s eyes fluttered open, taking in the sleeping figure beside her. He was still there.

It hadn’t been a figment of her imagination. It hadn’t been a dream that she had conjured up in her subconscious. It had been real.

And he had stayed.

Chapters - 2/2

Notes - I couldn’t resist adding a little of Jay’s POV to this so please enjoy! AO3 Link

Jay was dozing in and out of consciousness, a pleasant dreamless sleep filling his mind when felt something twitch against his skin, fingers warm against his bare shoulder. Hailey.

Hailey was here, with him, in her bed. His hand was curved protectively around her hip, confirming her presence and her hand was resting on his shoulder.

It had been real.

Her confession. Their kiss. Their night together. All of it had been real.

He had known for a long time that he wanted to cross that line and take the next step with her, and for a brief moment he had thought she wanted it too when he had gotten shot. But then she had clammed up, changed the topic and walked away from him with tears in her eyes - he had thought she had changed her mind. Decided it wasn’t worth it.

That he wasn’t worth it.

And then she had told him she’d had an offer for a job in New York. He wasn’t surprised the Feds wanted to keep her. He wanted to keep her. And he had said ‘cool’. That’s a perfectly rational response when the girl you are mad for who only sees you as a friend says she might be leaving the state, isn’t it?

But then at the bar, she had said she didn’t want to take it. Didn’t want to take it because of him.

He had wanted to say something, say anything as she spoke but it was his turn to clam up and watch as once again her blue eyes brimmed with tears. But there was a spark in them this time, a glimmer of hope, of possibility. So when she finally said the words, he hadn’t even thought about it, just pulled her into his arms and kissed her.

He’d waited far too long to kiss her and the fact they were in the middle of a bar, well he didn’t care.

He felt like a hormone fueled teenager again, pushing her up against his truck and sealing his lips to hers and finally feeling what it was like to run his fingers through her hair. He should have been embarrassed about how many times he had dreamt about that very moment but when he felt her mouth open under his and her fingers slide under his shirt, holding him to her, he realised that he might not have been the only one dreaming about it.

He was finally kissing Hailey Upton. And she was kissing him back.

He knew they should probably talk about it, about what this meant for them and their partnership but there was a tiny part of him that worried if they did, she would pull back. Pull back from him. Put the brakes on and slide it into park.

And he didn’t want that.

He wanted all of it.

He wanted her and he wanted the job.

He wanted her as a partner, by his side at home and on the streets.

His partner on the job and his partner in life.

He needed her.

But as he felt her slide a little closer, her hand across his chest and her head now resting on his shoulder, he knew if she ever didn’t want that, didn’t want him - he would let her go.

He wasn’t sure he would survive it. But he’d do it.

He’d do anything she asked of him.

But as he lay there, he prayed to a God he didn’t really believe in that she never would.

He knew she loved her job, hell she was probably the best cop he had ever met and he was proud of the cop he had become by working alongside her day after day. But he also knew how hard she had worked to get to where she was now, and the battles she had had to fight to be taken seriously.

And he just hoped that when she woke up, she decided that they were a battle worth fighting as well.

Screw Voight’s rule about no in house dating. Jay knew they were both professional enough to be able to keep their heads on calls and keep their private life private and out of the bullpen. It was worth it.

They were worth it.

She was worth it.

He had been worried that at some point in the night she would wake up and realise it was a mistake, that he was a mistake and try to pretend nothing had happened between them. And he would have gone along with it and waited until she was ready. He would wait forever if it meant one day he finally got to call Hailey Upton his.

He felt her soft lips press against his shoulder and suddenly all of the worry that she might not want him enough to stay, vanished. He remembered how those lips felt as they had explored his skin a few hours before and he never wanted to feel anybody else's lips on him ever again.

He was ruined for her, completely head over heels gone for her.

And the fact that instead of pulling away from him this morning, she was pulling herself closer, it brought him immeasurable amounts of joy.

As much as he loved being her pillow, he wanted her to know he was also awake before the alarm woke them from their blissful bubble. He brought his other hand up, the one not resting on her hip, and threaded his fingers through hers. He dropped a kiss to her forehead, letting his lips linger against her hairline not wanting to pull away.

‘Good morning,’ he whispered. His voice was still thick with sleep but he couldn’t help but smile at the possibility that this was the start of numerous good mornings with Hailey.

He knew it might not be easy, knew not only had his own heart been damaged in the past but that Hailey kept her own guarded for many a reason. They both had their own scars, physical and mental, their own battles they fought inside themselves. But right now, it didn’t matter, their pasts didn’t matter. The fact they were partners on the job didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they were together. Their whole future was lying in front of them. Their future.

At this precise moment in time, Jay thought he could take on the entire world, so long as Hailey was beside him and they tackled it, together.

#upstead #hailey upton #jay halstead #chicago pd #upstead fic #one chicago #upstead fanfiction #chicago pd fanfiction #upstead fanfic #chicago pd fanfic #hailey x jay #chicago pd fic

[kiddbegins]

Coming Out - Hailey Upton

Requested: no

Word count: 3002

Warning: lesbian!reader, questioning of sexuality?

A/n: I’ve been wanting to write something about Hailey coming to terms with her sexuality for a while so.. also this is probably gonna be a mini series of some sort

Masterlist

“You look really pretty today,” Was something you told your coworker Hailey Upton daily. It was also unfortunately your crappy way of flirting. Listen, nobody taught you how to flirt. It's not like it was going to go as smooth as imagined. 

Your partner (regularly) made fun of you for it, knowing that your budding crush on the blonde had been festering since you first met her. How could it not have?

Genuinely, she comes in, starts shit talking your asshole of a superior and you’re not supposed to want her to push you up against the wall and make out with you?

Well you definitely failed in that department but the problem was, you didn’t even know if she liked girls like that. And after her short lived stint with Adam you didn’t know if it was worth trying. If you were wrong then you could mess up the really, really, good friendship you guys had. 

But things were starting to feel different. Just slightly. When you guys went undercover inside a bar and the way she had looked you over before you left felt… less restrained. More of the way you usually look at girls. 

But hey, maybe you were overthinking it. So you gave the same “You look really pretty,” and moved on. Letting the night progress, the case get worked and by the end of the week you were with everyone else getting a drink at Molly’s. 

Whilst there you tried to let go, keep an eye out for someone that wouldn’t mind coming home with you. Needing some sort of stress reliever after the way work had been going. 

And you could have sworn you saw Hailey let out a heavy sigh when you took the hand of a red haired girl you met not even ten minutes ago and stalked out of the bar. Her hand already on your ass. 

You must’ve been hallucinating. And she was out of your mind for the entirety of the ride to your house before she crept back in. You shouldn’t have been thinking of her while someone else (her name was Samantha) had her way with you. 

But you couldn’t help it. Your feelings fpr the blonde detective weren’t only sexual. No way. You wanted the everyday stuff with Hailey. All of it. But in that exact moment you did wish she was the one knuckles deep in you.

What could you do right?

So maybe work was weird Monday, and then again Tuesday. Even more so Wednesday when Voight ushered for you and Hailey to be partnered up, needing the double distraction at the forefront. 

Just clad in normal, casual clothes, you and Hailey worked the men up, having to fight the urge to hit them when one of them got a little too handsy. Knowing that acting harshly wouldn’t be much help. 

Back in her car on the way back though, she looked over at you. “Are you okay? I saw how Vincent grabbed you. If that had been me I would’ve broken his nose.” Hailey spoke as she brought the two of you back to the precinct. 

Simply you nodded, “Yeah, could’ve been worse. And besides, it would’ve done more harm than good. It’ll feel nice to get him behind bars though. That’s for sure.” You sighed out, leaning your head back against the headrest. 

Hailey nodded, turning her focus back to the road. She couldn’t figure out why seeing him do that made her feel so angry, so annoyed. 

She was just protective, is what she came up with. She didn’t want anyone getting touched or hurt badly. That had to be it. And you didn’t even realize how she looked after you as you exited the vehicle first. 

Didn’t notice her walking behind you and just trying to find what it was that was making her feel so off. So weird. 

That alone made the next couple of days feel wrong. Back with your usual partners, aside from the undercover part, the two of you were never in a room alone together. Whether it was on purpose and Hailey was avoiding you or completely coincidental, it was weird. 

But what were you going to do? Ask her about it? Then you’d have to explain why it hurt so much. Why you wanted to talk to her. So you ignored it and went about your days. 

It was difficult at Molly’s that Saturday. You were (as usual) one of the last ones there. Meaning Hailey and the others had already set up shop at a table, a seat open for you but you didn’t know if you would be making her uncomfortable. 

You thought for a second as you went up to the bar. Maybe she’s just been busy. With what though you were on the same damn case. Or, your eyes widened, maybe she picked up on your crush with her dumb detective skills and got creeped out.  

If that were true you couldn’t even bear joining them. You didn’t exactly get a choice, Jay coming over as you ordered and practically dragging you to the table. “Okay, settle this for us. We, as in me and Adam, think that Die Hard is a Christmas movie. I have always, always watched it as one.”

He paused, “But, Kev and Hailey think it isn’t. Kim’s never seen it so she’s out of the conversation.” Jay put his hand on your shoulder slightly, waiting for your response. 

“Jay you’re not going to like my answer,” you laughed softly, Kevin cheering instantly. 

“See? I told you she’d be with us. It is not a Christmas movie.” He spoke, smiling widely at you. “This is why we’re your favorites and you're my favorite.”

Adam looked up in fake offense, Kevin brushing him off. You laughed softly, looking over at Hailey. Her eyes almost instantly darted from yours, a sigh leaving your mouth. 

“Right, well, I’m gonna run to the bathroom before I start drinking so, yeah.” You stood, practically sprinting to the bathroom. All of your worries were at the top of your mind and there was no real way for you to get past them. 

Maybe you just had to come clean. Get it off your chest. Except that could be the final nail in the coffin. So what the hell were you meant to do? You couldn’t deal with Hailey ignoring you for the rest of your career as a police officer. 

You couldn’t — your thoughts were cut off when the door to the bathroom opened, Hailey poking her head in. “Hey, you ran off pretty fast I just uh, I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” She spoke with a light smile, stepping in when you nodded. 

“Oh, yeah I’m uh, I’m good. Thanks.” You bit your cheek, seeing Hailey’s eyes squint before she called out the most obvious lie because of course she did. 

Whether you were fully aware of it or not, Hailey knew you. How you acted when you were lying to someone you were close to. The way you always bit at the inside of your cheek or lip when you were holding something back. 

She just knew. And you hated it sometimes. 

Because why was she able to know you like that but you could barely get a window into her? Maybe you just didn’t let yourself. Too scared of the rejection you’d find in her. 

Or maybe she was making sure you couldn’t. Her own fears keeping her from letting you in. “Okay fine. I just,” you let out a heavy sigh. “Why have you been avoiding me?” You had to know. If it was something that you could fix you’d do it in a heartbeat. 

Her eyebrows just barely crinkled, the blonde girl taken aback just slightly, leaning against the door. “I’m not, well, I’m not trying to. I’m just, going through shit. I promise it isn’t you, y/n.” Hailey sighed out, running both of her hands over her face. 

Faintly you nodded, a silence falling between the two of you. “Oh, alright. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed you were.” Your heart started racing, looking over at her. “Are you alright?”

She nodded, “Yeah, just trying to piece some things together. No biggie. Look I’ll get back out to them, you better join us when you get out of here.” Hailey grinned going to leave. 

“Hey Hails?”

“Yeah?”

“You look really pretty tonight.” You hadn’t been able to tell her recently so you had to take advantage of the opportunity. If the lighting had been better you would’ve sworn that this time a blush went across her face. 

But what did you know? “Thank you, I’ll see you out there.” She said, leaving the room and you to mentally smack yourself as many times you’d like. 

Thankfully though you went back out and joined the rest of the team, more debates over movies and shit still happening. A good half of the time though you just found yourself gazing over at Hailey. Hopeful nobody noticed. 

Except on the way out, you felt an arm go over your shoulder, “So, your crush on Upton, how longs that been going on?” Jay’s voice fully took you by surprise, nearly elbowing him in the side when he first touched you. 

“Jesus- Halstead you can’t just come up on a girl.” You grumbled, taking the chance now to elbow him back. “And I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He wasn’t able to see the way your jaw clenched as you looked down, still walking under his arm. 

Jay laughed, nodding, “Right, look, y/n, I’m just saying. I could see the way you looked at Hailey the same way I can see your car right now. Like it’s under a spotlight.”

You looked up, your car in fact under a streetlight. “She’s a friend Jay, you know what those are right?” Your eyebrow cocked up at the question, Jay nodding slightly. 

“Heard of them here and there. Alright fine, so if I asked Hailey out that wouldn’t bother you? Wouldn’t annoy you?” He was very obviously instigating. This time noting the way you rolled your jaw. “See! Don’t have a crush my ass!” 

Mentally Jay patted himself on the back, happy he got that right before he sighed, “Alright, teasing aside. You should go for it. Maybe it’ll pull her out of whatever mental haze she’s had this past week.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean she’s been weird all week. Won’t tell me why. Though it started after you guys went undercover together so maybe it just has something to do with that. Either way. You need to talk to her.” He stopped the two of you in front of your car, gesturing to it. “And I leave you at your chariot, goodnight.”

With a half-assed salute, the detective walked away,

Leaving you to get home for the night. And you sat with what he said the whole ride, and then some. 

You were thinking about it as you got to work Monday, ready to bring it up with Hailey but she wasn’t there, apparently she used a few personal days and wouldn’t be back until next week. 

Jay was working with Voight for the week and things were easy peasy. Except for the feeling that something was bothering Hailey and you were ignoring it. Like a voice in the back of your head was telling you to go check on her. 

A voice that went ignored until Thursday night when you finally decided to get over whatever fear was holding you back and go over to her apartment. 

You didn’t even know if she was home. You barely cared, you’d wait outside her apartment until she got home if you had to. 

You just couldn’t ignore the feeling in your chest anymore. So you knocked on her door, ready to be met with silence but it only took a few moments for the door to open and Hailey to look over you. “What are you doing here?” 

She didn’t sound mad but more so, shocked, surprised someone even checked on her. “Honestly? I’m not sure. I know you took a few personal days but, something felt… wrong? I guess? Like I should uh, should come and check in. How are you doing?”

You thought back to what she said about dealing with something and maybe you were overstepping. But you couldn’t help it. This team was your life. Most of them your family and you needed to be there when one of them needed it. 

Hailey didn’t reply, simply stepping out of the way and letting you in. Slowly you entered, glancing around. It was the first time you’d been to her new apartment, taking in the look of it. 

Under normal circumstances you would’ve commented on it but it felt wrong to do in the moment. Hailey shut the door softly behind you, silently heading into the kitchen. 

You felt compelled to follow, leaning onto the island counter when she stepped around it. “Do you want a drink?” She held up a bottle of whiskey before bringing a couple cups over. 

“Hails,” You asked softly, looking over her. She obviously hadn’t been sleeping much but you weren’t going to let her keep doing it alone. “Hailey.” Your voice more firm, making her look up. “What’s going on with you?”

She wasn’t like this. Hailey upton was put together. She could handle nearly anything thrown at her. Any criminal, any case. The girl had such a strong sense of who she was and what she believed in. That was why she was crumbling. 

Questioning everything she’d ever known about herself. The way she wanted to kiss her. Kiss you. Another girl. She wasn’t used to that kind of thought. And if she didn’t have some voice deep in her subconscious making her second guess everything then maybe she would have done it already. 

Maybe she would have done it the first time you ever called her pretty and she felt the way her chest fluttered. In the same way it had when Adam would wrap her into a hug. 

The second she realized she felt the same way she did with her exes as she did you it was like her stone walls had fell in on one another. 

Not out of shame. Or disappointment. Just out of utter change. Or more so the fear of it. Would this revelation change her as a person? Make her a different person? She didn’t know and that was what scared her. 

“I-“ Hailey started, shaking her head, “god this is pathetic. I’m sorry.” She paused the pouring of the drink, looking up at you. “How are you so good about it?”

Her question threw you off, tilting your head, “Good about what?”

“Being into girls. I just…” Hailey rested her elbows on the counter, hands going into her hair in distress. “I think I might be and it’s scaring the hell out of me.” There was an odd mix of silence in the room. 

Just because you were into girls didn’t automatically make you an expert in helping someone else understand themselves. But you couldn’t just ignore her question. 

Slowly you went around the island, leaning against it while facing her. “It’s difficult. Trust me. I mean, I realized I was into girls back when I was maybe 13? 14? But it’s not like it was accepted. I just had to live with that internally. I’m only good at it, which, is a stretch by the way, because I stopped letting other peoples thoughts influence mine.”

Hailey turned her head to you, nodding faintly, “I just, what if I’m wrong? And I waste y- someone’s time?” She looked away just as smoothly as she had looked towards you, shuffling faintly. 

“You wouldn’t be wasting anybody’s time. How are you supposed to know who or what you like if you don’t try you know? That’s how I found out I was in fact not into boys.” Your nose scrunched up with a shake of the head. 

Part of you wanted to offer yourself up as practice but you couldn’t handle the blow back if it went wrong. Things blowing up and possibly getting hurt in the process. 

The blonde’s head stayed low for a moment before she shifted again, as if something went through her mind. With her elbow leaning on the counter she looked up, “I just, I think I like this girl.” She started hesitantly. “Because, when I see her it makes my heart race. And it’s really, really similar to how I felt with Adam and I'm scared. What if I’m reading things wrong?”

It took everything in you to not frown at her words, because of course if she was into girls it would be someone else. Not you. Instead you swallowed thickly, “I think the only way to tell is to try things out. You know if she’s also into girls?”

“She definitely is.”

“Then I say go for it. Be up front about what you’re going through and most girls will be understanding. Worst that could happen is that you end up not having feelings for her. And if she knows-” You were cut off by the shorter girl stepping forward quickly, her hand pulling you down to her and pressing her lips to yours.

She wanted to do things smoother, ask first, but the racing of her heart and doubt in her stomach needed to be satisfied, relaxed and the only way she could think of was letting herself find you. Letting herself have the one thing she had wanted for months now.

Every small glance, every little compliment. All of it. Hailey Upton knew she had indefinitely fallen for you even if she wasn’t sure what that meant yet. And her lips were familiar. All it took was that one moment together for her to know. She did like girls. She did like you. And if she could, she’d kiss you forever.

JOIN HAILEY'S TAGLIST HERE!

tags: @sorry-i-spaced

#hailey upton #hailey upton x reader #hailey upton fanfic #hailey upton one shot #chicago pd #one chicago #hailey upton imagine #one chicago x reader #teddy writes #teddy writes hailey upton #teddy writes chicago pd #teddy writes one chicago #detective upton

[wafflesetc]

10x03 A Good Man: Waffles Thoughts

So, that happened. 

I’m going to preface this by sharing something that I said to a friend on Twitter. (Beth HI, I love discoursing with you!)  As a medium, TV is such a fascinating thing to watch and engage with because what I see isn’t what you see, even though we see the same thing. My observations and thoughts aren’t necessarily how someone else is going to infer something and receive it. 

Also, feel what you feel and think what you think. There’s no right or wrong here. No matter what, this hurts and cuts deep for people. Feel that, embrace it. Ten years worth of loving a character and half a decade loving a ship.. It’s a lot of time. 

At his core, Jay is a solider. He was a soldier in Afghanistan and then he joined the police. There are a lot of commonalities between being a solider and being a police officer... No they aren’t 100% the same, but as we know, Jay had a rough time once he got home stateside. The reason the cpd was good for him was it gave him a lot of the feeling back that he had when he was active duty. For most of his life, I really think Jay has been in fight or flight mode. He lost his mom, served in a war, a war that left him a fragmented man. He then joins the police and gets on the straight and narrow again, but as we all know, he sees the worst in the city.

He saw the worst that humanity has to offer in a war, to come home to see the worst his city has to offer. Yes, he’s trying to make the world a better place in both scenarios, and he did and does that, but the things he’s seen, they leave a mark on a person.

I have said this before but I am going to say it again. Jay Halstead is a man of his word. He took an oath to protect and serve his country. He fulfilled that duty. He swore an oath to protect the citizens of Chicago, and he did that. He made an oath- a vow- to love and protect Hailey Upton in both sorrow and in joy. His vows are the most important oath that man has made in his life and they WILL always be the most important words he has ever spoken. And Jay will go to the ends of the earth to keep and uphold those vows to the love of his life.

One thing I love about Jay is how human he is- we’ve seen it time and time again. He is flawed. He’s a man with a good heart, he loves his unit, his partner, and he’ll go to the ends of the earth to protect the ones he cares about.

We saw Jay walk a tight line back in season 5 and it led to him going down a PTSD spiral. Hailey was there to make sure he got the help he needed because she knew he needed help. More help than she could give him. She threatened to get a new partner because he wasn’t getting help. Hailey’s been his North Star since the very beginning of their partnership.

Hailey has also walked a tight line. We saw that back in S7 when she covered up evidence for Vanessa. Voight saw it too, sending her to New York to reminder her of the black and white- to get back to who she was- not who she was becoming. Because of New York, Hailey was stripped of everything that made her comfortable and feel safe. I truly believe because New York happened, both Jay and Hailey started to actually acknowledge their feelings for one another. Because she left, they were able to happen. Because she pushed him to go to therapy; he was the kind of man she deserved.

I know a lot of people didn’t like last nights episode. I didn’t love it, I didn’t hate it. Oddly, I went in with the expectation I wasn’t going to love or hate it, because Jay was leaving. I mean nothing is going to make that okay, ever. What I will say about the whole thing is it felt a bit rushed to me. I wish we had had two or three more episodes to explore this whole thing, the timing and pace was just a bit off, which is why I think I have this nagging feeling of being unsettled.

Jay Halstead is a good man. You can’t tell me that’s not true. People can make bad decisions, even with the best of intentions. I think that is where Jay was toeing the line. He was trying to uphold a soldier’s legacy, so his family would be taken care of. In the process of doing that, he started doing grey things- which isn’t who Jay is. But the reasons behind why he was doing what he was doing were screaming Jay to me. Jay had been walking a fine line for weeks, slithering and withering away right in front of Hailey’s eyes. An ocean was between them, when they were the closest they’ve ever been (married) they were also the furthest apart they’ve ever been. He’s not who he is- and it’s slowly starting to tear him apart.

I spent most of last night sending voice memos to @hillaryscotts, who also has an incredible post that you should go read. She’s got some fantastic points. But she was the one who I was spiraling about the NYC parallel to. I find it fascinating because Hailey was making those choices and she knew it was wrong to do what she was doing, but she chose to do it anyway. It was Voight’s decision to send her to NYC to remember to see in black and white again. Now parallel this to what was going on with Jay last night- what Jay was trying to do was a very Jay thing to do. I truly feel like in the moment, Jay thought he was doing the right thing. It wasn’t until after he acted in self defense and Hailey has her hands on his face that I think the gravity of who he was becoming- what he was doing- hits him. He was becoming a version of himself he never wanted to become, someone he didn’t know. A kind of man that wasn’t the one Hailey married- a kind of man that is too grey, for someone who’s been black and white for most of his life. It was Jay’s choice to take this job.

Growth is hard. It’s never easy. But I think that the fact that Jay realized how far gone he was from himself and made the choice to go and find himself again, speaks volumes to the kind of man we saw in 1x01. It also shows what kind of affect Hailey’s partnership, and what LOVING Hailey has had on him.

I am going back and forth on him not telling Hailey about the job offer first. On one hand, I hate that he didn’t. If you’re going to take an 8 month contract position overseas, you’d think you’d have the notion to talk to your wife about it. On the other hand as his partner she would have told him to go, as his wife, I could see her saying go, but I also think part of her would have asked him to stay and he would have done that for her. But he needs this. He needs it for them.

Hailey didn’t make the choice to go, but she went. Jay made this choice & is making it to better himself, to be the man he needs to be for her.

“Besides, I’m going where you go.”

“We’re good and we’re always gonna be good.”

“I’m not going anywhere Hailey, really I’m not.”

“Where you go, I go.”

These statements they have said to each other over the years are so powerful. And so telling.

Yes he’s physically leaving her at work. But those things that they say to each other, they go beyond work for them- they always have. Those words refer to *them* and their relationship. Jay isn’t leaving her, he’s not giving up on them. He’s going to find himself again because that’s the man that Hailey deserves.

The way he kissed her- he loves her with every fiber in his being. He’s a good man who is living up to his vows, y’all. And he’s doing it in a very Jay like fashion. They’re going to be okay, I firmly believe they’re story is only just beginning.

#chicago pd #upstead #jay halstead #hailey upton #jay x hailey #upstead forever

[karihighman]

#chicago pd #tracy spiridakos #jesse lee soffer #hailey upton #jay halstead #upstead #jesse & tracy are the best #protect tracy at all costs #also protect hailey upton #stolen from twitter #she deserves all the love #no hate #she’s so badass #happy smiley human #she’s my favorite #overhated

[hailey-halstead]

here’s my 7x15 related fic! hope you all like it 😊

#its not like mega protective jay but #p protective? #i feel adam is more protective ya feel #not to upton but in general #jay is obviously gonna back his woman up and care but he also gives them space and doesnt overwhelm them etc etc #like in this when jay was gonna speak for hailey but shes like no and he listened #jay knows the fine line #upstead #upstead fic

[anotheronechicagobog]

I love your sister!reader fics! Do you have anymore planned?

I have a few that I've been writing on the backburner, but I don't know when I'll finish or post them. But the ones that I have are;

Atwater!sister - Kevin Atwater's sister who's only a few years younger than him left with their younger siblings for their protection. She ends up moving with Vinessa (Jordan has skipped out and onto Chicago at this point) to North Carolina for work and runs into Peter Mills and starts dating him. They eventually move back to Chicago and Mills re-opens his family's diner and returns to the firehouse, he also finally meets Kevin who isn't all that happy about her sister's choice of romantic partner cause of the whole 'runs into danger' thing, but accepts it when he sees how much Peter loves her.

Choi!sister - this sister is the middle child between Ethan and Emily, and is a firefighter, the first female to ever be on squad. You and Ethan have a strained relationship because he thinks it's too dangerous for you to be a firefighter and one day you get hurt on a call and he shoves it in your face. This causes an argument and you stop speaking to him until Emily convinces you two to talk for the sake of your unborn nephew.

Rhodes!sister - to absolutely no one's surprise, Cornelius Rhodes has a few affair children lying around, you happen to be one of them, and the only one in Chicago. Claire is a dadddy's girl and is devastated and has made it crystal clear that she hates you. Connor on the other hand is much more welcoming, hangs out with you, brings you to family events, defends you from Claire, and assures you that your father was a scumbag and you didn't miss out on anything from him not being present in your life.

Casey!sister - turns out that Nancy Casey was pregnant when she shot her ex-husband and gave birth to you whiloe in prison (you got teased a lot about that). You were in the foster system cause no one wanted to deal with you until Matt was finally able to get guardianship of you when he was 20.

Zidan!sister - OA actually isnt in this one much, just a couple phone calls. Basically, you're going to Chicago for university. OA takes a couple days off to help you move there, and introduces you to Jay Halstead, an old friend from his time in the Rangers, and they tell you that he's a cop and if you ever need help to call him cause he's a lot closer than OA is. You're in your third year, living with your long term boyfriend when he starts cheating on you and turns aggressive. He gets very possessive and controlling, he hasn't hit you but you're scared he's going to. You need help, so you call Jay.

Burgess!sister - When Kim brings Adam home for the first time, you like the rest of your family, love him and are so happy for your sister... Until you check out his facebook and find out he's engaged to someone who is not Kim. You go to tell her, you're so sorry that he's made her the other woman unknowingly, until she reveals that she knows he's engaged, doesn't care, and is waiting for him to dump her. You let the rest of your family know what went down and everyone is disappointed, your family in her, and her in you because you 'don't understand' and 'betrayed her'. Your relationship is strained after this. Throughout all of this, the reader is dating, and then gets engaged to, Sean Roman. You have to see her more often when he moves to the 21st and he becomes her partner, but you're civil for Sean's sake. Everything's fine until Kim breaks off her engagement with Ruzek and you catch her and Sean cheating. "What is it with you and engaged men, Kim?" Very angsty. There isn't really a happy ending.

Upton!sister - Hailey hasn't spoken to her father since she turned 18 and her mother since she was 20. She finds out during a case that she has a younger sister she didn't know about, an 'oops' baby that was born after she cut contact. She figures out pretty quick that your dad is still abusive and her mom is still enabling him, and fights for guardianship of you with Jay's help.

Zvonecek!sister - you move to Chicago a year after Otis dies to work as a medical lawyer, and firehouse 51 basically adopts you, and when the person you're dating (haven't decided who yet) cheats on you, the firefighters and paramedics take the phrase 'hell hath no fury' a little too seriously.

Manning!sister - Helen runs into you while dropping off the cupcakes for Nat's baby shower to Maggie (cause you're a doc, too) and she gives you the stink eye the whole time and is super short with you until she leaves in a huff, while you're nothing but smiles and you're forced to recount to Maggie why Helen hates you so much. Which, in short, is that she showed up to your sister's wedding in a full on wedding gown so you... Took care of it.

Halstead Bros - I might add a sister!reader to this, might not, idk, but basically after Papa Halstead dies Jay is going through his dad's email and tying up loose ends, when he comes accross evidence that his dad had numerous affairs while his mom was still alive, and being the angry mama's boy that he is, Jay figures out who everyone is to try and figure out what to do about the situation (while a little drunk on whiskey and cursing his dad). He is able to figure out that around 40 years ago one of his dad's affairs, with one Nancy Casey, produced a child. So basically it would be a mini series of Jay and Will adjusting to having Matt as their brother, and Matt adjusting to knowing exactly why his dad was killed by his mom and actually having some family. Involves lots of awkward nods, wordless eye converstaions, drinking, and buffering from their significant others.

#one chicago #chicago pd #chicago fire #chicago med #jay halstead #hailey upton #will halstead #matt casey #connor rhodes #kevin atwater #ethan choi #natalie manning #sister!reader #kim burgess #adam ruzek #burzek #sean roman #oa zidan

[fighterkimburgess]

Feelings

It’s after midnight here so I’m posting. HAPPY BIRTHDAY @morganupstead!!! I hope you have a wonderful day, and you enjoy every minute of it. And that you enjoy this too.

Summary: Five times Hailey thought she felt something for Jay, and one time she actually said it.

Words: 2.4k

Warnings: Hailey being introspective about her childhood, abuse mentions.

Wanna join my taglist?

--

1

The first time Hailey Upton thought she could have feelings for her partner, she brushed them aside. She cared for Jay - she had to in her line of work - but it was just friendship, right? They spent an extraordinary amount of time together in work, and at least twice a week also went out for drinks. It was friendship.

But he’d scared her with his actions. She’d seen the signs before, had dealt with it after Booth. The constant vigilance, the what ifs, the overreactions to the little things. He’d told her about Afghanistan. Never anything specific, but he’d been a Ranger and she knew enough to know that to be one you both had to be at the top of your game and had to do the hardest things.

She didn’t want to give him the ultimatum. She didn’t want to have a different partner. They worked so well together most of the time, but if he was so in his head he couldn’t recognise a civilian from a flashback then what would he do to her? She had to trust him with her life every single day, and if he couldn’t protect her when she protected him, their partnership would never work.

Hailey thought they’d never talk about it again after he told her he started seeing someone. But when he opened up and thanked her, said it had helped? She felt a long forgotten part of her heart start to melt a little. But he was her partner, and that was strictly off limits. So she just forgot it existed.

2

They knew he’d gone off the rails. They knew he was doing his own manhunt. And when she rounded that corner with Adam she thought she would lose it seeing Jay on the ground. She heard Adam call the ambo, but she didn’t really remember it, too focused on getting to her partner. She couldn’t lose another partner that way, but he was so still on the ground. And seeing the vest - the shitty probably shouldn’t have stopped the bullet vest - covering his torso, still stained brown and cream instead of blood red like it would be in her dreams.

She held herself together for long enough to get away once she knew he was fine. But it kept floating through her head. What if. What if he had died? What if she’d arrived to his body, not Jay? What if she’d had to tell Will that in the space of a few days he’d lost his dad and brother? What if, what if, what if?

Adam’s arm around her shoulder gave her the comfort to let a tear out, and his words comforted her until they were in his car, letting her get her emotions out. She felt like an idiot. Crying over her partner with Adam, who was so comforting. She thought he got it, she’d seen how he looked at Kim. She knew there was a backstory there, but she very deliberately didn’t ask or want to know.

But then she made the decision to go with him for a drink. And one led to two led to the two of them back at her place, moaning Adam’s name as he made her feel so good, the stresses of the week leaving them both. That night she didn’t go asleep thinking about Jay as she often had, but with Adam’s arm on her hip, his chest against her back. In her dreams, however, she dreamed of a bullet proof vest stained crimson, Jay’s face pale and bloodless.

3

She never wanted to be in this waiting room again. Hailey hated waiting rooms. Hated being stuck there, hated having so much adrenaline and being unable to do anything about it. She’d washed her hands multiple times, trying to get the memory of Jay’s blood off them. Trying to remember that he was there and he was still alive and it’s Jay, he’s a fighter and he’s going to make it. He had to make it.

It took Vanessa and Kim both bringing her back to her seat, Vanessa holding one hand while Kim went to get them coffee, to do something. If she was a religious woman Hailey would have prayed, would have intoned the barely remembered Greek Orthodox words from her childhood to try have something to focus on apart from the reminders of Jay. It was her worst nightmare come to life.

“It’s hard because you love him.” Vanessa stated, Hailey wanting to scoff. She’d kept that secret buried since she’d realised almost a year before. Since she’d been rescued from that shack with Kim, and instead of her boyfriend’s arms around her she’d wanted Jay’s.

“Of course I love him, he’s my partner.” She could tell that Vanessa didn’t believe her, the cop was too intuitive for her own good. But Hailey couldn’t say it out loud.

Because saying it made it real. And if it was real then it could be used against her. She hadn’t said that word since she was a child, seeing it as a weapon instead. But Jay made her realise that maybe, just maybe, it could be something good. Maybe it could be something worth having.

When Marcel came out and said Jay was awake it hit her. He’d be ok. He was going to make it. There was a cheer around the waiting room, the assembled cops beginning to file out now good news had arrived. And when the tall surgeon asked Hailey if she wanted to go see Jay, she stood immediately and followed him to the ICU room. He looked so small in that bed, nothing like the tall, well built man she knew he was. Instead he was weak and pale, a bag of blood being transfused into his veins. Jay’s voice was roughened from the intubation and anaesthesia, and it was the best sound she had ever heard.

Hailey laughed when he asked her to get him out of there, shaking her head but staying by his side until she had to leave. She was there every day until he was released, and when she saw him standing on his own two feet, needing her help to get his sling on, she wanted to scream to the world that she had feelings for him. And she nearly did. The words nearly came out of her mouth if that stupid phone hadn’t rang.

So she put her feelings back in the box they belonged in. Love was for children. Hailey wasn’t a child. She didn’t get to love someone like Jay.

4

At least the back of the truck was comfy for stakeouts. She’d taken her photos using the camera, and was running them through the system when the laptop chimed, and she had an ID for what looked like the witness’s husband. She finished getting the other photos through when Jay arrived, a bouquet of flowers in his hand that he passed back to her. Hailey smiled at the roses and baby’s breath, taking a sniff.

Once she’d explained what she discovered they started driving, the flowers at her side as they did.

“What brought this on?”

“The husband came in, I had to pretend to be a customer. Said I was buying flowers for my girlfriend. Keep them if you want, I don’t want them.”

All through the day the thoughts of the flowers made her want to smile. Her feelings for Jay just kept growing and growing, and she needed to stop thinking about him like this. But she couldn’t. And her fixation on red roses just made it so clear to her that this was probably more than just a crush.

Vanessa got a group together to go to Molly’s, but Hailey turned them down. She wanted to go home, relax, open a beer and stay away from everyone.

She pulled out the one vase she owned, putting them in and fanning them out. Nobody had bought flowers for her ever. They’d always been what her dad had bought for her mom after a particularly bad argument, when he wanted to apologise and pretend nothing had happened. These weren’t them. These were to keep Jay’s cover, to make sure he didn’t get found out for being a cop. That was all.

It didn’t stop her looking at them, and pressing one of the roses between two books to dry it out and keep it.

5

Staring at her wardrobe, the only thing going through her head was “what do you wear when you’re about to spend three weeks with the FBI?”. She’d stopped wearing the pantsuits and blazers that had been a mainstay of her work wardrobe when she’d been in robbery homicide, preferring jeans and flannel for Intelligence where fitting in and being unobtrusive was more important than a CPD dress code. But she pulled out the clothes, folding them carefully into her suitcase for the flight the next morning. As she finished with the last of her sweaters her buzzer went, Hailey going to answer it.

“It’s me. I figured if you’re spending three weeks away from here you’d want Bartoli’s before you leave. I come bearing pizza, beers, and an overnight bag so I can drop you to O’Hare in the morning.”

Hailey buzzed Jay in, a small smile on her face. This was so last minute she’d barely gotten to say goodbye to everyone, but having him come to say goodbye meant a lot. She held the door open, his arms full.

“I figured if you’re not getting Chicago food for a few weeks, go big or go home. We’ve got a Union Stockyard deep dish, fried cheeseballs and a classic Italian salad. Plus a sixpack.” Jay made his way to the couch, spreading out the food he’d brought for them as Hailey pulled out two plates and a knife for the pizza. It didn’t take long for them to dig in, talking crap about the day and their last few cases.

“I’m gonna miss this.” The words fell from her mouth before she even meant them to, Hailey freezing as she did. That was too close to missing Jay.

“Yeah, me too. I’m gonna have to try convince Will to do this with. I mean it’s our thing, y’know?”

“Exactly.” She took the out. She could have said she’d miss him. That she wanted more. But she’d very firmly closed that side of things, she couldn’t let it out. It wasn’t worth letting out when she didn’t think he felt the same way.

The night passed quickly, and by ten they were getting ready to sleep. Her flight left at six, and with getting through TSA she wanted to be there for four. It meant little sleep, but they were used to that at this point.

While she showered Jay made them coffee, handing it across to her exactly how she liked it. It was too early for food so they drank before going out to the truck. Jay grabbed her case and carry on, putting them both in the truck bed. The drive through the Chicago streets was faster than they expected, pulling into the set down area.

“Let me know when you land?” Jay asked as he passed her out her bags. The lump in Hailey’s throat threatened to overwhelm her. It felt like a goodbye.

“I’ll text before I take off and when I land, don’t worry. It’s just three weeks, you were out for longer with your shoulder.” She forced a smile onto her face at her words, watching him act mock wounded.

“You hurt me, Upton. C’mere.” Jay opened his arms for a hug, and Hailey took the comfort willingly. She almost thought she felt his lips press a kiss to her head, but she knew she was wrong. There was no way.

“Do good, but not so good they try to steal you away. Intelligence can’t be the same without you.”

“I’ve no intention of leaving, Halstead.”

She waved as she walked into the terminal building, badge on her hip to help her get through easier. Three weeks without Jay. She could do it.

+1

The sun was beginning to stream in through the curtains, and Hailey turned over to hide from the light. If she didn’t see it, it didn’t exist, which meant she didn’t have to get up yet. That was completely how it worked. Not her just wanting more sleep because they didn’t make it home until three am because of a raid that went long. Not at all.

“I can tell you’re awake,” Jay whispered in her ear, holding her tight and pressing kisses to her shoulder.

“Ssssh, no. Sleep now. Kisses later. You know what I’m like when I don’t get enough sleep.”

“True, you turn into a coffee monster at the best of times. Or a pen thief at the worst.”

He tightened his arms around her slightly, and Hailey dozed back off to sleep securely.

When she woke up a few hours later Hailey was alone in their bed. Jay had officially moved in the month before, to their condo and their bed. She got a thrill through her spine at the memories of their life together. But she followed her nose, throwing on a t-shirt and padding out to the kitchen where Jay was making waffles.

“You were supposed to still be in bed.” Jay greeted her with a kiss, two waffles already plated beside him and bacon draining on a paper towel. “I wanted to treat you.”

“You’re making breakfast, that’s enough of a treat. Want me to set the table?” He nodded so she did, pulling out cutlery and making coffee that was ready as Jay brought their plates over.

“I love you.” The words fell from Hailey’s mouth more easily than she ever thought they could have before.

“I love you too. You know that, right?” Jay asked, Hailey smiling at his words to make sure she knew she was safe with him.

“I do. You promised me we’d work it out, and we are. But this…just doing this just because? It means a lot.”

“Enough for us to shower together?” Hailey burst out laughing at her boyfriend’s waggling eyebrows, pressing a syrup sticky kiss to his mouth in response. And once they finished eating, she intertwined their fingers to bring him back to their bedroom for their lazy day off.

Taglist: @amandarrollins @amazingbutterflyes @chicagoames @blonde-freckles @morganupstead @brookerz122493 @mnt2live4more @redpoodlern @alkadri-layal @stephanie708 @tuxieboy101-blog @thelittlepterophyllum @planecrazylex @bluecrush129 @rawgiel @milahs @onechicago18 @sophiatellerrhodes @eternal-olicity @upstead7 @ossypooh @cathiernboss @upsteadlovingheart @varshacmartin @dissociation-writes @xxxjocexxx @the-starry-nights-lover @torreshalstead @itsnotpersonalbut @leymr @firemedncopshows @alldaysdreamers @gsophie43 @angelsjedi @multicouple-lover

#Upstead #upstead fic #jay Halstead x Hailey Upton #Hailey Upton x jay Halstead #jay x Hailey #Hailey x jay #Chicago pd fic #cpd fic #Hailey Upton #jay Halstead #cíara writes

[elenarodriiguez]

day nine: kidnapped | k.b. & j.h. & h.u.

summary: perhaps moving in together wasn’t the right thing for them to do after all.

pairing: kim burgess x jay halstead x hailey upton

cw: canon kidnapping & injury, season 9 spoilers, hurt/no comfort

word count: 1214

read it on ao3

It had been agreed at the hospital that they would all move into Kim’s place during her recovery. It was the most logical option: Jay’s apartment doesn’t have a room for Makayla to sleep in, and Hailey’s apartment block doesn’t have an elevator which, when it’s on the fourth floor and Kim is recovering from bullet wounds, doesn’t make for a speedy recovery.

But it was also the best option for Kim’s sanity. Ever since her team had failed to catch the guy who did this to her, who was so willing to let her die and upheave Makayla’s life, she couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d find her and finish what he started. Just knowing that Hailey and Jay would be there to protect the both of them is the difference between her being able to fall asleep at night and her forcing herself to stay awake until someone came to look after her.

What she hadn’t anticipated was the way their relationship had soured since her partners had moved in. They were still amazing with Makayla, Jay doting on her almost as much as Adam does, and they still loved her and were affectionate with her, it’s just, something was different. Cracks had begun to grow in the foundation and it was like she was losing them before she ever really got to have them.

Their relationship was fragile and new before she had been kidnapped, but now all Kim can worry about is if it’ll disintegrate entirely. It’s little things: aborted conversations because of weighted glares; hesitant touches and embraces; the pair of them slipping away from each other with Kim hanging on for dear life like some kind of overburdened anchor attached to dangerously frayed rope.

Every time she tries to bring it up when little ears aren’t around, she gets the same rotation of assurances that all is okay and that she doesn’t need to worry about it, and every time they say them the words become a little more hollow. She knows that it will only end in tears, but there’s only so much that she can do, and seeing as neither one of them is willing to face reality, Kim just watches the tension mount between her partners, desperate for it to erupt before it destroys them all.

In the end she gets her wish, although not in the way she’d like to hear it. She’s back early from dropping Makayla off at Adam’s for a sleepover, the little girl tugging him away without uttering a single goodbye to Kim or giving Adam the courtesy of doing the same, and from the yelling she hears in their bedroom, it’s clear neither Hailey nor Jay are expecting her back yet. Closing the front door as quietly as she can, she kicks off her shoes before walking towards their shared bedroom, listening in to what they have to say.

“Jay, we need to tell her, I can’t keep doing this to her!” Hailey sobs, and if it weren’t for the fact that Kim needed to know more, she’d be in there comforting her girlfriend right this second.

“And what, you think I can? Hailey we’re both way in over our heads, how is telling her that you killed Roy Walton going to make anything okay?”

Kim’s hands fly to her mouth in a vain attempt to muffle the gasp that escapes. No, surely she heard him wrong, he couldn’t have just said…

“Hey, that is not fair! He was going to kill us, me and Voight, and it was a good shooting!”

“Except it wasn’t Hailey, because neither of you took him into custody! All you had to do was say no, insist you take him into custody, hell, you could’ve left Voight alone to deal with him, and all of this would’ve been a completely different story. And now we’re in this awful situation, lying to her day in and day out, watching the paranoia and fear chip away at her.”

“So why can’t we tell her?”

“And tell her what, Hailey?” Jay asks, his voice getting louder as he storms near the bedroom door, sending Kim retreating backwards on the off chance he walks out. “That we’ve lied to her for months? That every time we said that we’re sure he’ll be found soon, we’ve been hoping that his body never is? That we can barely trust each other, let alone our boss who spearheaded the search? That all that pain and fear she’s felt was for nothing?”

“Well no, but we owe it to her to tell her the truth, help her move on.”

“You owed it to me months ago.” Kim says, swinging the bedroom door open and letting them see her, tears streaming down her face, her fists clenched so tightly her hands are bright white. “You owed it to me when I woke up and asked you. You owed it to me when I had that first nightmare about him finishing off the job. You owed it to me when the unit’s investigation into his disappearance closed. You owed it to me every single time you lied to me about how our relationship wasn’t falling apart at the seams.”

“Kim, please.” Hailey begs, arms stretched out to reach her girlfriend, who jolts away from her before she gets the chance.

“Get out. Now.”

“Kim, look, we can talk about this.”

“No Jay, we can’t. I won’t tell CPD or the FBI anything, I’m glad he’s dead, rotting in the ground, but that’s it. You are both going to pack up your things, right now, and you’re going to leave. I’ll let you see Makayla, for her sake not yours, and I’ll work with you, but right now I can’t stand the sight of either of you. Leave your keys by the front door.”

She turns on her heel and marches into Makayla’s bedroom, her heart clenching as she hears Hailey’s distraught sobs echoing down the hallway, and hears her trying to fight off Jay’s unrelenting grip keeping her from running after Kim. As soon as Makayla’s door is shut, she lets out a wail that she’d been holding back during their discussion, sliding down against the door despite the protest her body makes at the movement.

All this time they’d known, all this time they’d made her think she was going crazy for spotting the things that were going on in front of her, all this fucking time. She doesn’t move from her spot against the door, knowing that Jay wouldn’t dare try to break it down if her body wasn’t blocking it, not even as a still sobbing Hailey begs her to let them in before being sent to go wait by the door.

“For what it’s worth,” Jay says, a nasally hint to his words, “we never wanted to hurt you. We love you Kim, even if we didn’t show it right. Everything’s going to be on your terms, okay? But just know that we’ll never stop loving you, and we won’t stop fighting to get your trust and love back.”

She hears his hand make contact with the wooden door, knocking on it once before walking away, not quite far enough to miss her say: “I wish you would.”

#febuwhumpday9 #febuwhump #one chicago #chicago pd #kim burgess x jay halstead x hailey upton #kim burgess #jay halstead #hailey upton #chicago pd imagine #chicago pd oneshot #daisy writes

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Taken Hostage - Hailey Upton x Halstead!Sister!Reader - One Chicago - Fire/PD/Med

Request:  Hi! I was wondering if you could do a Hailey Upton x Halstead sister where they are either a doctor (maybe a paramedic) and Hailey and Jay bring in a culprit who needs to get their arm checked out. But the culprit ends up taking the reader hostage?

Warning: mentions of hostage taking, threats, threat of death of hostage, injuries (culprit), mentions of a past character (Leslie Shay)

You worked on a different shift to the people Jay and Hailey were familiar with at Firehouse 51. You worked with Alison Rafferty after Chout was transferred onto the other shift of the three for some reason.

Main had given Ambulance 61 the call for police assistance. You didn’t know Jay had put the call in for an ambo to be rolled after a suspect turned culprit had damaged their arm enough to needing a hospital.

Neither your brother or your girlfriend expected you and Rafferty to show up as the culprit was handed over. The damage had been enough that the culprit wasn’t in handcuffs.

Hailey and Jay regretted that as soon as you were grabbed.

Rafferty was stuck at the side door whilst Hailey and Jay had their guns pointed at the culprit.

You were still as you felt the scalpel against your neck.

Your eyes flickered between Jay and Hailey as you heard them yelling. The ambulance was small, neither of them could get closer without risking you.

You didn’t know Rafferty had a needle of sedative in her hand as you spotted her in your peripheral vision.

The culprit’s breath stank of metal, the sickening warmth making you nauseous before you saw Rafferty move.

You managed to shove the arm holding the scalpel away as the effects of the sedative took its hold on the culprit. Launching yourself out of the ambulance, Hailey let out an ooof as you landed in her arms, clinging to her for dear life as Jay and Rafferty assessed the situation.

After the culprit was secured to a gurney, Jay let out a breath, immediately checking on you as your head peaked out from Hailey’s shoulder.

“Are you okay? Are you alright?” Jay’s questions were silenced as you went from Hailey’s arms to his, you could feel him press his lips to the crown of your head as he hugged you.

Rafferty cleared her throat.

“As much as I would love to continue this, we should get this criminal to med before the sedative wears off. Also their arm looks broken, so there’s that-” Rafferty was cut off as you hugged her. Her body tensed before she eventually hugged you back.

It seemed her time with Leslie Shay at Firehouse 51 had changed her perspectives.

“Patrol en route to follow?” You asked as you headed over to the passenger seat, holding the door as you waited for a response.

“Of course. We’ll tail you as well, radio if there’s any trouble.” Hailey affirmed, her professionalism and desire to protect you battling as she watched the ambulance drive whilst she and Jay followed in their car.

Will was the one waiting when the patient was brought in.

“Watch it with this one, already took a paramedic hostage.” A patrolman explained, leaving Will to do a double-take at you and Rafferty as you walked the gurney into a treatment room.

“Which- Jay, what the hell happened?” Will exclaimed as he realised how shaken you looked.

“Culprit took Y/n hostage in the back of the ambo, had a damn scalpel to her neck. Rafferty managed to sneak in to the side and dose ‘em with a sedative, giving Y/n time to get out.” Jay explained, instantly following Will over to where you and Rafferty were. Hailey had already beaten them there.

“Are you okay? Did they catch your neck-” Will was cut off as you whacked his hand away.

“You are the third person to ask that and check my neck. I shoved their arm away before I launched myself out of the ambo. No mark. I’m fine, just shaken.” You explained, fiddling with the zipper of your ambo jacket before catching Hailey’s eye.

Your head tilt at her raised eyebrow answered her question.

You wanted to see her after your shift.

You and Rafferty had left to go back on call by the time that Will, Jay and Hailey were talking.

“I don’t know how she does it. Being a paramedic. Are paramedics supposed to be taken hostage, is that part of the job description?” Will grumbled to Jay who sighed.

“Apparently in Chicago it is. This isn’t the first time a paramedic has been taken hostage, remember?” Jay replied, frowning as he noticed how Hailey had folded her arms, staring at the ED exit you’d left through.

“Hailey, you okay?”

“I will be later... when I know she’s okay.” Hailey admitted, gaining a hand on the shoulder from Jay as he nodded.

#hailey upton x reader #hailey upton imagine #chicago pd #chicago pd x reader #chicago pd imagine #one chicago x reader #one chicago imagine #queer one chicago #One Chicago #jay halstead x sister!reader #will halstead x sister!reader #halstead!sister!reader #halstead brothers x reader #halstead brothers imagine #alison rafferty #hailey upton #Chicago Fire #chicago fire x reader #chicago fire imagine

[dreamingmanip]

"MADNESS LOVE"

*GIF NOT MINE* 

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Warnings: None (if I need one let me know in my ask!)

Prompt: NONE

Word Count: 1,860

A/N: Okay, this time I didn’t use any prompt from my board on Pinterest. I came with the idea last night (thanks insomnia), and I thought I could make it in 2 parts. Let me know what do you think in my ask, is always open for you. If you want t, like it and reblog it. Thank you very much! 

A/N 2: I’m gonna pin this imagine so you can easily find it on my page, I will do the same when posting part 2. :)

A/N 3: This awesome gif is from Pinterest but, it comes from Wattpad. Her account is Ariana-Fic and you can find it in her fic “Soldiers in Intelligence”.

Being a cop wasn't easy, putting your life in danger to protect and serve others sometimes wasn't successful. It was 50/50, every morning you will be walking out home not knowing if you could come back.

It had been three weeks without a person in the unit. Detective Jay Halstead had been wounded in a crossfire in a covert operation; when one of you got hurt everyone took responsibility even if it wasn't that way, only for some it was harder to try not to blame yourself for what happened. You had blamed Hailey for not covering Jay enough even though you knew it wasn't her fault, you even avoided her a few days after that. 

She was her partner way long before you were assigned to Intelligence by Sergeant Voight.

Narcotics helped Intelligence in a case; it was your case but somehow their case intertwined with yours at some point, both departments agreed to work to stop the overdoses in the area. You were the best at CO, so it made sense for Sergeant Voight to pick Jay, one of his best undercovers for a purchase. Your skills didn't go unnoticed by anyone in the Intelligence Unit, even for someone with experience like Jay. After the case was over he offered you a spot in his Unit, you doubt it for a moment, you were good in Narcotics, good pay, accumulated vacation days, Voight wasn't known for being a patient person and some co-workers encouraged you to take that step by commenting on how crazy you must be not to accept such an offer. 

You were well received by all, perhaps except for Sergeant Trudy Platt, who didn't like strangers or new people in the district. Jay was among the first to congratulate you when you arrived, for a moment you thought you'd be partners but Voight wouldn't break his dream team, so he paired you with Kevin Atwater, whom you've been entrusting your life and darkest secrets to ever since. 

Atwater was the first one you told about the nights you stayed late with Jay in Molly's, he was the first to know how those late nights became visiting his apartment, to end up arriving together one morning, to the district. He had told you about Voight's rules and how he was firm with them after Jay's last relationship had gone bad with his partner and that had affected his way of working a bit.

Jay and you decided to go slowly, the only one who would know about you two would be Kevin, it was agreed at least, but Hailey Upton was very good at her job so she soon realized what was happening between you. She had supported you, although she did not agree to hide this from her sergeant, she wanted to see her partner happy.

They were all at their desks, doing paperwork on a case they had closed the day before, when Trudy appeared on the stairs.

"Guess who came back from her mandatory break."

You looked up from the papers in front of you to look at a smiling Jay Halstead, who was looking at Trudy with a raised eyebrow.

"Nice to see you too, Trudy."

"Yeah, now try to get away from the bullets for a while, I don't want to have to worry about any of you for a long time."

Kevin and Adam were the first to approach him, joking and patting him on the shoulder. Kim and Hailey were next, giving him a loving hug before heading back to his places. You had stood up to lean against your desk, your arms crossed over your chest, Jay leaned closer, although he kept some distance, the mocking smile still on his lips. You were the first to speak.

"I see you survived, Halstead."

"Hey, don't say it like that, I'm going to think you're not happy to see me alive."

You pressed your lips together so as not to smile because of his comment, it was the game that both played in front of everyone else, the sarcastic comments to pretend that they were not getting along as well as they should. You nodded and looked at him.

"It's good to have you back."

Jay's smile widened and he put his hands on his hips.

"Look at that, you're happy to have me here."

You rolled your eyes and sat back in your chair when Voight left his office, leaning against the doorframe.

"How are you Jay?"

Jay nodded his head looking at his boss.

"Good, Sarge."

"Good, because I just hung up with the Superintendent and he wants to acknowledge what you did. Tomorrow there will be a public event, downtown."

You all clapped for a moment, before Voight continued speaking.

"Now try not to die until tomorrow."

Without saying more he returned to his office. Jay went to his desk to catch up on all the overdue paperwork, from time to time you looked up to observe him, you were glad to have him back but the moment you knew about the award, you felt a bitter taste in your mouth. Why were they going to decorate him when he almost died? 

You stood up and went to the coffee room, took one of the cups on the wall and poured yourself some, you still felt that bitter taste in your mouth. You heard footsteps behind you and looked over your shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

Jay asked, taking another cup, reaching for the pot and pouring himself some coffee as well. You leaned a little to look towards the door, checking that no one was around to hear you. You started to get tired of that, checking over your shoulders to see if no one could hear your conversations or whatever you were doing behind closed doors.

“Uhm, yes, I’m just a little tired. We have been in some paperwork duties from a few cases from the past weeks.”

You took a sip from the cup, making a little grin at the taste of the coffee.

“Well, just for the record, I know when something’s bothering you. We have been together almost a year.”

He looked satisfied with himself, and you couldn’t deny it because he was right, Jay knew you so well almost since day one. You looked at him and gave him a little smile, his mood was good after dealing with a grumpy man at his house because he couldn’t get back to work after being shot, and you definitely didn't want to be the one to screw it up. 

Kim walks into the room without realizing the interruption she just made or how you take a little more distance between you two, starts a little chat with Jay and you decide to go back to your desk.

Later, in the locker room, you were finishing picking up some things from your little blue locker, putting them in the gym bag you were carrying that day when Kevin appeared next to you, opening his own locker.

"I don't see you so happy today, you were quiet for most of the day, man you didn't even laugh at Ruzek's nonsense. I thought having Jay back would make you feel better."

You sighed and took a seat on the bench, rubbing your hands over your face before looking at your best friend. You played with your lower lip a bit before speaking.

"Kevin, am I crazy for wanting more in this relationship? I mean, we've worked well without anyone knowing, what difference would it make if we did from the knowledge of Voight, of our friends?"

They both fell silent when an officer entered the room and moments later he left the room, you clenched your fist and struck the cold metal in front of you, you felt frustrated and helpless. Kevin sat next to you, rubbing his hands together as he took his time answering you.

"Y/N, you are a pretty strong woman who knows what she wants, don't let anyone make you feel like you can't, not even some of my friends. If you want, I can talk to him, you know man to man" .

His comment made you laugh a little, releasing a bit of the tension in your chest, you bumped his shoulder with yours, pushing him a little.

"Thanks Kev. I don't think that talk is necessary but I will take it into account for future problems."

"Whenever you need me, girl."

You took your bag, Kevin had helped you lift your spirits but you knew you had to do something with your feelings, for better or for worse. 

Jay was in the kitchen when he heard you arrive, a smile formed on his face as he came out to greet you, an ice cold beer in his hand and a hockey game in the background on television. He walked over to you to kiss your forehead, took your bag and set it aside by the door.

"It took you a little longer than usual to get here, I'm sorry I didn't wait for you. Trudy wanted me to fill out some forms for tomorrow and I left earlier."

You couldn't look at Jay without stopping to think about the consequences that your words would have, you knew about his past and you didn't want to be the evil witch who would ruin what you both had until that day. You settled next to him, resting your head on his chest while he watched the game and he made imaginary shapes on the skin of your arm.

It took you a few minutes before you could form a sentence, your voice lacking the strength you had gathered all the way to his apartment.

"Jay, what if we tell Voight we're together?"

Your voice caught his attention, looking at you completely confused.

"Y/N, we both know that we can't say anything at the moment if we want to continue working in the same unit."

You slowly sat up again, turning a little so you could face him, Jay was sure of what he was saying, it showed in his face and in the confidence with which he had spoken.

"Jay, I'm tired of having to hide from everyone, like what we're doing is wrong. Voight will understand if-"

"I've been through this before Y/N, I know what I'm talking about. I also refused to hide my thing with Erin, but things changed. If we tell this to Voight he will remove someone from the team and we know it will not be me."

You felt the air come out of your lungs, as if someone had hit you, Jay realized his mistake when you stood up, he began to move his head trying to speak, he left the beer on the coffee table trying to take your hand .

"Y/N, it's not what- it's not what I meant ..."

Unaware of your movements, you started to take your things in a frenzy, Jay seemed to be talking to you but you couldn't identify his words or what he was trying to tell you, you just left.

To be continued...

#Jay Halstead #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x you #chicago pd #chicago pd imagine #hailey upton #kevin atwater #hank voight #adam ruzek #kim burgess #molly's bar

[onechicago-upsteadrhekker]

breathe again (the air i would kill to breathe)--upstead one-shot

So, I wrote some more angst. You can blame @imjustwritingg and @anniesardors because we are now in an angst competition and this is my submission. I think I might win.

As strange as it might be, I actually had a lot of fun writing this. I also cried and have been deeply in my feels for the better part of the past few months as I wrote on this. I do have happier things in the works, but I don’t think I could ever not write angst so there is your warning I suppose.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy and I can’t wait to hear what you think!

Title is taken from Sara Bareilles’s Breathe Again. I like the Sleeping At Last cover!

Read on AO3

They are sitting in one of their new favorite places to decompress after a long day of working or just when they needed to have a good chat, partner to partner, friend to friend.

The bar was cozy, and it already held some of Jay’s favorite memories from past visits with Hailey—his birthday celebration with just the two of them, Hailey’s four-year anniversary of joining Intelligence, a place they went when they did not want to be interrupted by their other friends.

A place that was special to just them.

Jay could not help but think that she looked particularly beautiful tonight sitting across from him in the low-lit bar, the Christmas lights shining through the window highlighting her features.

She was not dressed fancy, in her usual winter outfit of a button-down and skinny jeans with her sturdy snow boots, but the way her eyes sparkled merrily as she laughed, her smile lighting up the room in a way he has not seen from her in far too long makes him marvel at how effortless her beauty truly was.

She is laughing at him with that big smile of hers as he jokingly brings up the reason why they came here tonight trying to mask the nerves he was feeling.

He listens to her tell him about her job offer with a sinking stomach, desperately trying to act calm and collected instead of revealing the panic that was currently raging inside of his chest.

He pays the check, his heart beating wildly with relief because she just told him she was staying.

He is looking at her now and they are talking about losing and gaining and he cannot figure out if they are talking about them or something else entirely. His gut says them, and he is waiting with bated breath for Hailey to say whatever he knows she wants to say but then she does not, and he is watching her walk out of the bar.

An hour ago, this was his favorite bar because of the memories with Hailey it held.

Now, he is pretty sure he will only remember this place as the one where he let the girl get away.

*

He notices the way she quickly glances at him before she accepts the small piece of paper that was being handed to her.

They had run by the courthouse to hurry along a warrant and now he is waiting on Hailey to catch up with him because she had been stopped by the judge.

He was new and around their age.

He was also nice, charming and good-looking and he was starting to rub Jay the wrong way.

Over the past several months when Intelligence needed a warrant it was somehow always signed by this guy. When he and Hailey needed to come to the courthouse for whatever reason, they always happened to bump into him.

Jay frowned when Hailey chuckled in response of whatever was called after her as she started to make her way back across the lobby towards him.

He gives her a look when she falls into step next to him and she glances at him, staying quiet until they are back in the truck on their way to the district.

Jay cannot stand it anymore. He adjusts his grip on the steering wheel, “So, what was that all about?”

Hailey glances at him again and it reminds him of the way she looked at him before she told him about her FBI offer not even a month ago.

“Uh, he gave me his number,” She was looking everywhere but him and Jay did his best to control his emotions.

It fell quiet again and Jay did not like the awkwardness that seemed to descend upon them.

It had never been awkward with her before, and he does not like the idea of it happening now.

He clears his throat, keeping his eyes on the road, “Did he ask you out?”

She gives a curt nod, still fidgeting entirely too much with the radio in her hands, “Yes.”

“What did you say?” He dreads the answer.

“I said yes,” It was barely a whisper and when he looks over at her, she is already looking at him, her eyes telling him she was tired of waiting on him to make a move.

He quickly looks away again, closing his eyes hard for a brief moment before whipping into the roll-up and swinging into his parking spot.

“He has me to answer to if he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve.”

Jay is out of the truck without a second glance, slamming his door shut and rapidly wiping away the tears that were gathering in his eyes.

*

Hailey starts to date the judge and by all rights, the guy is perfect.

He has a well-paying job, he is good looking and he has a great personality.

Jay tries to find faults in him, but he cannot. He wanted to hate him, but when Jay first met him, he had received a hearty handshake and a heartfelt thank you for watching Hailey’s back.

As much as he wanted to, he could not hate him. Apparently when Hailey had told her new boyfriend how close she was with her male partner, he was more than understanding of their relationship and would not be put out from the time they spent time together.

How could he hate someone who respected the time Hailey spent with him, another guy who already spent her whole workday with.

So, Jay decides to hate the way her name clashes with his. Mike and Hailey.  Hailey and Mike. They do not go together at all.

Not like his name fit with hers. Jay and Hailey—Detectives Halstead and Upton. Hailey and Jay—Detectives, partners, best friends; nothing more.

But then maybe he hates the way they fit even more because all it does is remind him of something they should have had but for some reason never did.

He thinks that they were meant to be together, but then he thinks that if it has not happened by now then maybe it was never meant to be.

*

“Hailey, are you sure you’re okay?”

Jay is standing, facing her with his arms crossed and a worried brow.

She sighs, “Yes, Jay, for the thousandth time, I am fine. It’s barely even a scratch.”

He lets out a disbelieving scoff and approaches the bed where she is sitting with her legs folded underneath her. She tries not to gasp when he gently touches the side of her face, turning it slightly to inspect the long gash running across her forehead and to the top of her ear.

“You’re not fine, Hailey. You could have died,” His voice cracks and he sounds like a desperate man, pleading and scared.

It is his tears that makes hers start to well up and she tentatively wraps her fingers around the wrist of the hand that was now borderline caressing her cheek.

She looks earnestly, desperately into his glossy green eyes, “But I didn’t because you saved me.”

He is standing very close to her, and she can feel his breath ghosting over her face as he looks down at her, his large hand holding the side of her face as they stare into each other’s eyes. She swears he glances down at her lips.

Her heart is beating erratically inside her chest, waiting for him to close the distance between them but then the curtain is thrown back and Jay moves faster than she thinks she has ever seen.

It is Mike and Hailey instantly feels bad at the way she is disappointed to see him. At the way she wishes he had not come, but he is her boyfriend, and he has every right to be there with her because she knows he loves her.

Mike’s hand is now where Jay’s was just seconds ago, and it does not feel nearly as comforting and good and right as Jay’s did, but she is not supposed to have those feelings anymore, so she tries to ignore them and leans into Mike.

“Oh my God, Hailey,” He breaths out in concern, “Are you all right? The nurse called me and told me you got hurt on the job.”

She tries to give him a convincing smile.

She is not all right but she cannot tell him that because it has nothing to do with gash on her head.

Hailey reaches out and touches his chest, “I’m fine. Jay was watching my back.”

Mike seems to realize that they are not alone and turns to face Jay, reaching out a sincere hand, “Thank you for protecting her.”

Jay shakes his head and takes Mike’s hand, trying to swallow the lump in his throat, “You don’t have to thank me. It’s my job.”

He glances at Hailey so quick that only she notices it and she gets what he is saying. He never wants the thanks because it is just a given for him. He will always protect her or die trying and nothing will ever change that.

He flashes a smile at Mike who is none the wiser of what he just told Hailey with his eyes and excuses himself, quickly slipping out of the sliding glass door as he lets the tears fall.

*

It is dark in the corner of Molly’s he had retreated to away from all the commotion that was happening around the bar.

He watches Hailey beam at her girlfriends who were trying to get a closer look at her displayed left hand, and he slinks back farther in his chair, picking at the label of his untouched beer.

He always had a hard time drinking without Hailey and she was busy right now.

Adam, Kevin and Voight are patting Mike on the back in a congratulatory manner and while Jay knows it is irrational, he feels somewhat betrayed by his closest friends.

He wishes that they were clapping him on the back in congratulations instead and that he was in the center of attention along with Hailey, but he forces himself to recognize that it is his fault that things are unfolding this way.

He’d had chances but he never thought Hailey would actually settle down with this man he despised for the sole reason that he was not him.

Jay fully recognized he was a fool for thinking he did not have to work for her. He knew he was a fool for thinking she would eventually break-up with Mike, and he would be waiting for her and then they would live happily ever after like some damn fairy tale romance.

He knew better than that.

Picking at the fraying label again, Jay sees Hailey flash around the diamond on her finger and he cannot help but think of the ring that he bought on a whim after seeing it in a local storefront.

He had randomly seen it one day and thought that if he were ever to propose to someone, he wanted it to be with that ring.

He had seen it and he had immediately thought of Hailey.

He does not know why he bought it, but he did, and he now knows that it will never be given to the person it was intended for.

The ring flashes and Jay thinks his ring would look better on her finger.

Hailey beams and Jay thinks her smile is not as bright as it used to be.

He takes a sip of his now lukewarm beer and Jay thinks he should probably get used to drinking without Hailey.

*

“Come in.”

He opens the door and cannot help but gasp.

She looks beautiful.

Her hair pinned out of her face, blonde curls cascading down her back, a veil clipped in place with a sparkling barrette. Her dress is elegant but simple and it fit Hailey perfectly.

She is standing in front of a tall full-length mirror, admiring her reflection when she turns to softly smile at him, “What’re you doing in here?”

He notices Kim crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes as she stands off to the side getting herself ready, “No boys allowed.”

He has to tear his gaze away from Hailey to glance at her, “Yeah, well, I had to come see my best friend before she became a married woman.”

Kim’s eyes soften and Hailey looks over at her, gently nodding towards the door, “Could you give us a few minutes?”

“Of course,” She gives them both a look like she knows they are about to close a chapter that they never got right before she disappears out the door.

Jay clears his throat, “You look absolutely stunning, Hailey.”

Her cheeks flush and she gives him a once over, picking up the skirt of her dress to approach him, stopping only a few inches in front of him. Reaching out, she quickly straightens his bowtie and takes a step back, cocking her head with an affectionate smile, “And you look very handsome.”

She meets his eyes, blue on green and he cannot help but just stare because after this, she is Mike’s forever and always and it would not be right to stare at her like he wants her.

Somehow, he does not think that her being married will stop him from wanting her, but he will try.

He is drinking her in like this is the last time he is seeing her and in a way it is. This is the last time where he can look at her with the hope of someday being more.

There are so many things left unsaid and he can see his own anguish reflecting back at him; hopes and promises and dreams swimming in her eyes, fading away with each passing second. A future that could have been theirs and will now only stay alive in quiet imaginings and forbidden dreams.

He could tell her. Right here and right now. That he loved her. That they could work. That he never wants to be without her, but it was her wedding day, and he could not do that to her.

He was too late, and it would not be fair for him to beg for her now when she had already given him every opportunity.

So, he accepted the gentle kiss she bestowed on his cheek, and he looked back into her watery eyes, heartbroken and sad.

They stared into each other’s eyes and a thousand memories of laughing and crying and comfortable silences and shared looks flooded in like a painful smile because he was the guest, and she was the bride.

*

The first time they rolled up to a crime scene after she and Mike tied the knot was one that would stay with him but not because the case they’d caught was gruesome or personal.

It was because of her.

She looked the same. She talked the same. She had that same bright smile and brilliant sparkle in her eye, but it was different now.

She was a married woman and the person that came back from her honeymoon was a slightly different person than he knew—a person he would never get to know because only her husband was privy to the person she was behind closed doors.

And he was not her husband and that crushed him almost to the point of not being able to function.

Jay never knew he could grieve so much for a person who was still by his side every day.

He tries to ignore the simple wedding band she wore now and thinks if he could just pretend she wasn’t married then their days would be no different. He could still have that intimate partnership with her and maybe he could imagine for a little while that they were just perpetually on the precipice of something more even though he knew nothing could ever happen now.

But then they were there, at the first crime scene where he was Jay, the single partner and she was Hailey, the married one.

Nodding at the patrol officer, he introduced himself, “Detective Halstead,” he then gestured to Hailey, “This is Detective Upton.”

She glanced at him, and he shook his head. Right, not Detective Upton.

“I mean Detective Martin.”

He curses himself and tries not to look too sick at the now constant reminder she was not and never will be his as he watched his newly married partner, Hailey Anne Martin walk off with the patrol officer.

He could not help but think his own last name sounded much better with hers than Mike’s did.

Jay forces himself to follow them with the sounds of Hailey Anne Halstead echoing in the back of his mind—taunting him, reminding him of the future he had just lost for good.

*

Almost a year later, when Hailey disappeared into Voight’s office looking a little unsure and maybe even a little sad, he was scared he was about to lose the only thing keeping them together now.

But when she announced her pregnancy a few weeks later, the subtle shifts in her behavior suddenly made sense, his heart dropping to his feet. He put on a smile for her, but it was hard when her smile held that same sadness and regret it had on her wedding day.

If the dreams haunting him for weeks after that were of little feet and giggling faces that had her features mixed in with his, well.

He would never admit it.

*

“Hi.”

She looks up, a dulled sparkle in her eye, “Hey.”

He nods to the bundle in her arms, afraid to get too close and see the baby that looks nothing like him and a lot like Mike, “What’s his name?”

She smiles, happy but there is still something in her expression that is achingly sad, “Meet Jay Robert Martin.”

He blinks. An odd lump forming in his throat, “Really?”

She chuckles a little at that and nods her head, “Yes, really.”

He blinks again, “Why?”

She shrugs, “Because you’ve saved my life more times than I can count and I—"

She hesitates. She was going to say it, he could see it in her eyes, but she settles for the phrase, “And because I care a lot about you” instead.

She named the baby after him. He is honored, but inside he is devastated because that could have been his son in her arms bearing his name.

Instead of being called daddy, he would be called Uncle much like the rest of the unit and if that did not break his heart more than it was already broken.

He is happy for her, truly, but he knows that some part of him is always going to see the life where he is Hailey’s husband and the father of her children.

And sometimes he cannot help but think Hailey sees that too.

*

She’s there.

Standing in the back, smiling at him and he wishes that she were standing next to him, but that was not her place, and it had not really ever been hers regardless of how much he wished it.

He shakes Voight’s hand and then turns to shake the Superintendent’s outstretched grip, graciously accepting the round of applause from the audience, blushing at his teammates hoots and hollers.

He walks off the stage and is vaguely aware of the congratulations and hearty slaps he was receiving. He responds with the proper amount of enthusiasm, but his eyes are always looking at her.

Excusing himself, he leaves the group, missing the way they all exchange a melancholy look of understanding. One they have exchanged many times before.

He approaches her and he notices the way her smile does not fully reach her eyes and he is always wondering if she also imagines a universe in which they are all there together and happy and one big family.

“Sergeant Jay Halstead,” She hums out, her smile growing into a warm smirk, “I have to admit, it has a nice ring to it.”

She is loving and affectionate and she is looking at him with all the feelings she is not supposed to have, and he can feel his throat closing up.

He forces out a quick grin, “Thanks.”

She is still looking at him, her eyes holding everything she cannot say aloud, and Jay tries to come up with something to say because he cannot take her looking at him like this. Not today. Not right now.

Not ever, really.

“I uh, I thought you weren’t going to make it,” He furrows his brows, “Didn’t Robby have a game tonight?”

Hailey shakes her head, her smile turning a little sadder, “I wasn’t about to miss my partner getting a promotion.”

She looks away for a brief second before looking back at him and Jay thinks he can see the glisten of tears in her eyes, “Although I guess you’re my Sergeant now, not my partner anymore.”

Tears sting his own eyes and his heart squeezes tight in his chest.

She is right.

They are not partners anymore. He just got a promotion; Intelligence is his and now he is her sergeant.

He should be excited but he’s not. He’s mourning the loss of the only thing that’s keeping them together now and it hurts so bad because he is losing her.

He is always losing her with each day that passes.

*

“She’s beautiful, Mike.”

The other man grins, “Yeah, we like her all right.”

Jay smiles but his heart is not in it.

Like always, he is touched that Hailey includes him in her big life events and like always, he is truly happy for her, but it also serves as a painful reminder of the life he wanted to have with her.

He is grateful to be in Hailey’s life at all and he would not give up the relationship they have now for anything, but he also thinks that it is some kind of cruel punishment that he is constantly forced to watch her love and grow a family with a man that is not him.

“And did you see those dimples?” Mike has a dreamy look on his face and his eyes shone proudly, “Perfect just like her mother’s.”

Yes, Jay thinks, perfect just like Hailey.

He clears his throat, tired of the way he always seems to tear up while he is with Hailey and her family because everything reminds him of the deep regrets he has been carrying around for years now.

“I like the name Annie,” He says trying to keep the conversation flowing so they do not lapse into an uncomfortable silence like they are prone to do.

He has never been close to Hailey’s husband and Jay knows this is because he is in love with the man’s wife. On some level, Jay thinks that Mike is aware of this and that is why neither of them have ever tried.

In any case, Jay does not think he could ever really be friends with anyone who is married to the girl he loves.

Mike shifts his weight to lean against the banister making the old porch creak slightly, “It was my great-grandmother’s name. We also liked it because it is similar to Hailey’s middle name.”

Jay nods absentmindedly and thinks about how lucky that little girl is to have Hailey as a mom. He always thought she would make a great mother regardless of who fathered the children, and he was right.

If he were to ever have children, he would only want Hailey as their mother and that is how he knows he will never have children.

“It means a lot to Hailey that you are here tonight,” Mike breaks the silence and Jay glances at him from his place sitting on their porch steps.

“I wouldn’t miss it,” He manages a sincere smile because he is telling the truth.

He would not miss welcoming Hailey’s daughter into the world even if it did hurt.

“She loves you, you know.”

Jay feels his heart stop in his chest and his mouth dry up, “What?” It came out garbled and he is looking at Mike like he just grew antlers.

Mike’s eyes meet his and Jay is shocked to see the depth of knowledge in the other man’s gaze.

He cannot help think that perhaps he was not as subtle as he thought he was regarding his feelings for Hailey.

“And I know you love her so I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

He cannot come up with a proper response.

Or any type of response really because he is still gaping speechless at Mike who is now staring off into the night sky.

“We’re just partners,” The statement falls off his lips in a conditioned response.

It is the words he always used to describe his and Hailey’s relationship back when friends and family gave him knowing looks and teasing smiles. He has not had anyone question his feelings for Hailey in a long time and he feels slightly panicked that it is happening now and by her husband no less.

Mike shakes his head, scoffing lightly as he looks back into the night sky, “I don’t think you two were ever just partners. I’ve known that from the very beginning, but I liked Hailey and I wanted to be with her as long as she would stay with me.”

Jay blinks and he does not know what to say or how to react. He does not know where this is going, and he does not like not knowing.

“I know a part of her will always love you, but I love her enough to be with her on any terms even if that means not having her whole heart,” Mike sighs, pausing for a brief second, “I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt at times, but I know how lucky I am that I even got her at all.”

Jay just stares at him, finally managing to get out a “Why?”

Why is he telling him this? Why now?

Mike seems to understand what he is asking, and he turns to face him, “She doesn’t say anything about it obviously, but I know it’s getting harder and harder for her to see you; to work with you every day.”

Jay definitely does not like where this is going.

Mike looks directly in his eyes and there is a hard edge there that he has never seen from the man before, “I know she has more than enough experience to make Sergeant, but she doesn’t want to take the test because she thinks you need her. You are holding her back, Jay, and I think it is time that you let her make a life for herself outside of Intelligence.”

All he can do is stare at the man. He wants to rail and shout and tell him that he cannot dictate what Hailey does with her life or tell him what to do but some part of him deep down knows that Mike is right.

Maybe it is time to let her go but it is so hard because he is not ready to give her up.

And it hurts too. God, it hurts so bad, and he thinks that it will always hurt because he knows what he and Hailey had was real and true, but their timing was just always off.

His heart is breaking because even though he is not with Hailey in the way he wants, she is still the best thing in his life and the thought of giving that up makes him physically sick.

He is aware of Mike moving towards the front door. He pauses and looks over his shoulder.

“Goodnight, Jay.”

He is left on the porch, and he can hear little giggles from inside the house. Hailey is laughing and there is a squeal of ‘daddy’, and he imagines Mike is swinging Robby up into the air.

It is too painful, and he thinks it will only get more painful as time goes by.

*

There are bright flashes and enthusiastic applause as he waits to shake her hand after the superintendent.

She turns to him. He is smiling at her but there are tears in his eyes. She is carrying herself proudly but there is anguish written all over her face.

They are both torn. He wants her to succeed in everything, but he does not want to lose her. She wants to advance her career, but she does not want to leave him.

They stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.

The world spins obliviously around them as they become strangers who share long lost memories and quick smiles every once in a while.

*

It is a peaceful night out, the air humid and warm and it feels like the perfect summer night. The sun has almost disappeared over the horizon, a soft glow painting the trees and the houses along the street.

He is sitting alone on the porch steps listening to the chaos that is happening through the screen door and when he hears it swing open, he does not need to turn to see who it is because he already knows.

She sits down beside him, leaving a few feet of space in between them and does not say anything, just stares into the dusky night.

“I can’t believe Annie’s already thirteen.”

Jay glances at her before clasping his hands over his knees, nodding thoughtfully, “It seems like just yesterday she was born.”

Hailey scoffs, “Tell me about it. I don’t feel old enough to have two teenagers.”

He looks back over at her. She is still staring off into nothing in particular and Jay cannot help but notice once again just how beautiful she is. Her hair is still golden blonde, and her complexion looks as young as ever, the laugh lines around her eyes only making her seem more youthful.

“You certainly don’t look it,” It just slips out and he cannot help the way his stomach flutters when he sees her cheeks flush like they used to when he flirted with her in the truck over fifteen years ago before Hailey was a wife and a mother and nothing more than his friend and partner.

They fall silent again, each watching the night become dark as they listen to the happy teenage squeals that are coming from within the house.

“Do you regret it?” She says suddenly and he glances at her, her gaze still far away.

He sucks in a breath, “What?’

She shrugs, “I don’t know,” She shakes her head, “Everything?”

He is quiet for a long moment, and he does not have to ask to know what she means.

Hailey is about to tell him to just forget it, that it was a silly question but then he opens his mouth, and she shuts hers, the tears already starting to prick her eyes as the feelings that have never dulled over the years come to the surface.

“Just because things didn’t happen between us the way that we maybe wanted doesn’t mean that you aren’t the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because you were.”

It is the closest they have ever gotten to talking about this thing that has been between them from almost the very beginning and Hailey suddenly feels transported to a day in the past when she thought one of their moments was about to turn into something more and change her life forever.

But then she remembers she is married and has two children, and she cannot have a life with Jay.

She blinks, “Yeah,” She looks at him with glistening eyes, “You were for me too.”

*

The church is packed with people in uniform and Jay is once again awed at Hank Voight’s reach within the city. The damn mayor was even there.

He is serving as a pallbearer along with Kevin, Kim, Adam and of course, Hailey. It is fitting that they are the ones chosen to do this because they were the ones chosen by the man himself to be in his unit and they are the ones who lasted the longest.

Jay would wager a bet that they were all more like family to Voight than he would have ever admitted, and he thinks that they all know that deep in their hearts so that is why they are doing this—to give their sergeant one last send off.

To say thank you for bringing them together and creating this family that they never would have had if it had not been for him.

“Jay,” Kevin taps his upper arm to get his attention, nodding towards the double doors in the back of the church and that is when he sees her.

She is dressed nearly identical to him, give or take a few medals and even though he would not call the CPD uniform blues highly fashionable, Hailey wears it like she has just stepped off a magazine cover.

Her eyes find his and she gives him a sad little smile like she knows that this is yet another chapter of their past closing. With each ending, the memories and the laughter and the comfortable silences are drifting away and truly becoming a thing of the past.

In a way, it almost feels like a whole lifetime ago.

She is in front of him now and they say nothing because their eyes say all they need to know. Sighing, he glances down at the floor with a heaviness he has not felt in a long time before he looks up and draws her into a hug.

He does not remember the last time he hugged her. He thinks maybe it was after she had Annie, but he tries to refrain from any physical contact with her because he is always left with wanting more.

Today, he knows they both need it, so he gives in and squeezes her tight.

The Intelligence unit they know is slowly starting to die and it hurts more than words could say.

It might sound dramatic, but it almost feels like the end of an era.

*

Cork and Kerry had not changed much over the years.

It was somewhat of a comfort to see some things stayed the same, but mostly, it felt like his heart was in a vice because when he looked around, he was brought right back to the moment when Hailey was telling him about her FBI offer and he was watching her walk out the door and away from a life that should have been there’s.

He sees her sitting there, her jacket thrown over the back of her seat like it had been all those years ago and even though she is clearly much older, all he can see is her bright smile and sparkling blue eyes.

“Jay,” She says it softly and he cannot help but return the gentle smile she is giving him, “You made it.”

He sits down, “Like I would ever miss this. Besides, what else is there to do?”

She smirks, “Jay Halstead getting a little bored in his retirement and old age?”

Rolling his eyes, he gives her a knowing look, “You know I never could handle not being on the job without getting restless.”

“Jay,” She lets out a little laugh, “It’s been twelve years.”

“Exactly,” He stresses, and she just shakes her head.

“You seriously need a hobby or something other than sitting around with an itchy trigger finger,” She is teasing him but there is also a hint of concern in her voice, and he knows she worries that he is lonely.

He is lonely but it is his own fault because the only person he would want to spend any time with is her and even though they both grew old, they did not do it together, so he has no wife, and he has no children.

He offers a smile and tries not to look as sad as he feels, “I did clean out my attic recently,” He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a well-worn photograph, “And actually, I found this. I thought you might want to see it.”

He slides it across the table, and she reaches for it. He watches as she studies the picture, a melancholy look coming over her face as she gently touches the picture, whispering almost to herself, “We were so young.”

It is a picture of the whole team after what he is pretty sure was a successful raid but what draws him to the picture is the way that Hailey is leaning on him. She has her head on his chest and the grins on their faces tell him that someone probably cracked a joke as the photo was being taken.

They look happy and if you look closely, one would almost believe that he and Hailey were an item at the time but he knows that they were not.

They were almost a lot of things, and he thinks almost is one of the saddest words in the English language.

He almost kissed her. She almost told him how she felt. They were almost together.

Almost but not quite.

He looks at the picture and he wants to pretend that they are still living in that moment because even if it was only for a heartbeat, everything was perfect.

Hailey lets out a little huff, a hint of wonder in her voice, “Look at us. So full of life.”

Jay lets out a little hum of acknowledgement and Hailey looks up at him, her eyes earnest and shining with memories of a life long ago.

“Those truly were the best years, weren’t they?” She says it so reverently and it makes a lump form in his throat because while they saw hard things and went through tough times, he would go back to that point in time in an instant.

Now when he knows how important people are and how precious time is. And even if you scream and argue and fight, family is everything and you should never take anything for granted.

Now when he knows love is worth fighting for even if you are scared.

God, if he could go back, he would fight for Hailey till his very last breath and never give up no matter the outcome.

“Yeah,” He clears his throat, “Yeah, they were.”

A corner of Hailey’s screws up in some kind of half-smile and he thinks she is trying not to cry.

She shakes her head, still lost in the picture, “I’ve done a lot in my life, but this—Intelligence,” She trails off, lost in thought and gives the picture one last swipe of her thumb before passing it back to Jay.

“We were a good team,” She smiles at him, and he can see all the memories playing in her eyes.

He nods, sliding the picture back into his wallet, “Me, you, Kev, Adam, Kim, Voight—We were the best,” He gives her a gentle smile, “You made us the best.”

Hailey cocks her head, a perplexed look on her face, “What do you mean?”

“Don’t get me wrong, Intelligence was always a good unit but,” He shakes his head, “I don’t think we really became a team until after you walked in that bank. You made all of us better which made the unit better.”

He pauses before softly admitting, “You made me better.”

There are tears in her eyes, but she does not say anything. He takes a deep breath, glancing away for a second before looking back at her.

“You ever think about timing?” He does not give her a chance to answer and powers through before he loses the nerve to be honest with his feelings for her, “Time, fate, whatever dictates how and when things fall into place. It’s all so very delicate and fragile—when you think that just one slight change or difference could have set your life on a completely different path.”

Jay fidgets with the beer label and looks up at her through his eyelashes, “Today, forty-seven years ago you walked into a bank, and you saved my life. Now we are sitting here having beers and you are my best friend. Have been for forty-seven years.”

He turns to look out of the window, deep in thought, “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we met later or earlier or not at all?”

Do you ever wonder that we met before we were supposed too? Or maybe we didn’t meet early enough?

Were we ever supposed to meet?

Those are the questions he is really asking, but then he dismisses the last question that crossed his mind because he knows that they were always supposed to meet.

He is better because of her.

He is not married, and he does not have children, but his life was full nonetheless because of her, and he would not trade that for anything.

“Timing really is everything, isn’t it?” She speaks softly, and he knows what they are each really saying just like all those years ago in this same bar when they were talking in vague metaphors about gaining and losing.

They had the chemistry. They had the love. They had the whole damn universe, but the timing was always off.

They were a perfect fit, he and Hailey, there was just too much going on for them to see it until it was too late and then they were too afraid to do anything about it.

Hailey looks at him and he looks at her and it seems like they are looking at each other for the first time in years. And just like back then, there is so much love in their glance. And yet somehow the timing is still not right—she is still married, and he is not the kind of man to break up a marriage no matter how much he loves her.

And it seems that this is how it will always be for the two of them—like thunder and lightning—their timing would always be a little bit off.

*

He is sitting in the back alone. No one has noticed him which is fine because he does not want to talk.

He pulled out his old uniform for this and he feels strange wearing it after all this time, but it was the very least she deserved.

It does not seem real. She was always so strong, her voice always a phone call away and he did not want it to be real.

He watches as her family sniffles at the front of the church, each taking turns looking into the casket to say goodbye and he cannot bring himself to go up there. He does not want to see her laying there lifeless because in his mind, in his memory, Hailey was anything but and he does not want to mar those images.

Besides, Hailey’s family is up there and while he knows they love her, he cannot help but think of the family that should be up there.

The family that was forged through tough cases, long nights, emotionally charged moments, blood, sweat and tears.

Because that’s the family that really knew her. They knew what ticked her off, what rubbed her the wrong way and how to make her smile when she was tried and worn-thin.

He’d known.

They had seen her at her weakest, at her most fierce, and the way she fought like a bat out of hell when she needed to.

He’d seen.

But his place is not up there with her children and grandchildren and her husband. It is here in the back where he can remember the person she was to him, to her unit, to her community because he is the only person left that will ever really know.

He sits and he grieves for her, and he grieves for the life that he wanted. The life that they could have had had the universe not gotten in the way one too many times and had they not been so scared to take that leap.

He wants to go tell every young boy that loved a girl, yell it till he was blue in the face that it was never too complicated or too hard or the ‘wrong timing’. Not if the love was real. It was worth the fight, always.

Quietly, he slips from the shadows and slowly makes his way out to his truck. He is old, but all those years of keeping in shape paid off because he is pretty spry for an 85-year-old man. He could not run like he used to, but he is still sharp enough to recite every ordinance in the book and his vision is still 20-20 so he is able to live alone, and he can still drive himself to wherever he wants.

He hoists himself up in the truck he had bought after he retired. It is the same make and model of his favorite truck he had had during his partnership with Hailey, only a newer year, but it still smelt the same and looked the same and he almost did not get it because it reminded him of so many memories of them together.

Looking over to his right, he can almost see her now. Her eyes bright and her hair shining as she settles into her place, reaching for the radio to toggle through the channels as she laughs at something he said.

The memory is frozen in time, and he wants to always remember those moments when they were in the in between, waiting for something more to happen until it didn’t, and they were back to strictly being best friends.

But even after she started dating Mike and after she got married, they still had that special connection. The one where they could just look at the other and know that something was off; they could still exchange looks across the room and know what the other was thinking.

Just because she was not his did not mean they suddenly did not know every little thing about the other one.

Just because she was not his did not mean he loved her any less.

Jay blinks hard, still looking at the empty seat beside him.

Even through it is not the same truck and she has not sat beside him in years, he knows that seat will always be hers.

He turns the ignition on and carefully pulls out into the street in no particular direction, just driving and seeing all the memories that he has with Hailey in every part of Chicago play out like a movie of their best years.

He does not know why but he ends up driving to the 21st district. The roll-up is full of cars he does not recognize but his spot that he parked in every day for almost 20 years is empty, so he swings his truck into the space like he has done a thousand times before.

It is like he is not in control of his body as something forces him out of the truck and into the district. The codes are still the same and he ends up in the bullpen—it still houses Intelligence, but he does not know it’s current members as intimately as he knew his team.

They are all young and eager and smart and when he sees them it is like he is transported back in time when he, Hailey, Kim, Kevin and Adam were the rising stars of the CPD, and they were the unit everyone looked to when they needed answers.

Jay thinks they must be out running surveillance because the room is empty and there are mugshots of up and coming shot callers for the Latin Players, so they are clearly in the middle of working a case.

The room is still basically laid out like it was when he was in the unit. He can still see Kim grinning at Adam who is covering his head from the paper balls Hailey is throwing at him, Kevin standing off to the side shaking his head in amusement.

He can still hear the laughter and the arguments and the teasing. He can still smell the coffee in the air and feel the sunlight streaming through the windows like nothing had ever changed but it had because now he is the only one left who remembers that point in history.

Jay gravitates toward his desk, the one he sat at when he was just the other detective in the unit, the one that was right across from Hailey’s and when he sits down in the seat for the first time in years, he notices the single envelope sitting on the desk.

He is surprised to see his name scrawled across the front and tears prick his eyes because he immediately knows who it is from.

Even after all these years, he would recognize her handwriting anywhere. The slightly messy, looping scrawl he used to tease her for.

He does not know how this got here or how Hailey knew he would be here, but he should not be surprised because she always did know him better than he knew himself.

The way his hands are shaking has nothing to do with his old age as he opens the envelope and pulls out what appears to be a letter handwritten by Hailey. Unfolding the paper, he uses a hand to wipe away the tears that have already gathered there at just the sight of her familiar handwriting.

He begins to read, and he can hear her voice just as clear as if she were there reading it to him with a fond smile playing at her lips.

To my dearest Jay,

If you are reading this it means that I am no longer here. I have to say, I am impressed you managed to outlive me because for a while there I thought for sure you were going to die well before your time because you kept getting shot.

He cannot help but chuckle because of course, she would find a way to shove that back in his face one last time.

There is a lot I want to say. More than I could ever write in a letter because I don’t think I could ever fully articulate my thoughts and feelings. I never really had to do that with you anyway—you always just knew but I am not there to tell you so I guess I will just have to do my best here because I need you to know how much you mean to me.

I have so many regrets regarding us and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. I want you to know that I truly loved my life and I lived it as fully as I could, but I need you to know how much I wish thing between us could have worked out differently.

Because I love you, Jay.

“Oh Hailey,” He choaks out, tears dripping onto the sheets of paper, “I love you too. So much, you have no idea.”

Not for the first time Jay is crushed by the fact he never managed to say those words out loud to her and it is even more heartbreaking that he will never get another chance to let her know how much she means to him.

He blinks rapidly and forces himself to keep reading.

There I finally said it after all these years… Or wrote it down anyways.

I love you and I have always loved you and I will always love you.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I love my children, but Jay—you were always the one for me. Always.

I love Mike but I don’t think I was ever in love with him. Not in the way I was with you.

I could never fall for Mike or anyone else for that matter because they were not you.

He knows what she means because that is the reason he has never settled down. There was really no one after he met Hailey and honestly, he had no interest because everyone paled in comparison to her.

It is not that he did not want to date, or that he was choosing not to out of spite or pettiness, he just knew that he would never love anyone like he loved Hailey and he did not think that was fair to someone.

He honestly did not want to love someone that was not Hailey, and he was okay with that.

I was never one to really believe in fate or destiny or the concept of soulmates, but Jay, I think you were mine.

You were always my best friend and then you were my soulmate.

I think I always knew you were it for me—I knew I wanted it to be you, but I don’t think I really realized how much it was supposed to be you until after it was too late. Until I was old and grey, and I had lived my life always feeling like something was missing.

I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but it was you. I always knew that even before I forced myself to move on because I thought we had missed our chance. God, what I wouldn’t give to go back and just wait for however long it took—even if we never ended up together because I missed you.

I missed you every time we drifted further apart, and I missed you when we were together—I missed you because I knew I could never have you in the way I needed.

And I’m not talking in a lustful sense—I wanted to tell you things and spend time with you and do all the things we used to do before Mike. I couldn’t share my secrets and my feelings and my thoughts with the one person I wanted because I had a husband waiting for me at home. A husband who was expecting me to tell him all the things I used to tell you.

I wanted you. The person that knew me better than I knew myself. The person that was there from what felt like the very beginning.

I needed you. The person who went through hell and back with me, who never let me go and who never ever let me down.

But timing is everything just like you said, and I really do believe we were right for each other. Once upon a time we were supposed to be together.

But it is a cruel world, and the reality is life changes before you can even blink and then suddenly everything that you had is no longer familiar to you.

I do believe you were supposed to be my last love, the person I was supposed to grow old with, but I sometimes think that maybe we met too soon or not soon enough, or something happened, and we messed everything up because we went against fate.

We were so perfect for each other but somehow, the universe always found a way to tear us apart—your dad, Adam, Kelton, you being shot, New York…my decisions.

It’s like when everything you could ever want is right in front of you but no matter what you do, you can’t catch it.

And like I said before, I loved the family I had but there was a part of me that was always imagining you cooking in a house we picked out and babies playing in the floor that looked a little like me and a little like you.

It’s pathetic really how much I still dreamt it would be me and you at the end.

And, I guess in a way, it is. Me and you, here in the bullpen where it all started.

The end of our story right where it began.

It wasn’t a story out of a fairy-tale. Not by a long shot—our story was full of tears and panic and heartbreak and crushed dreams and disappointment and regret and we certainly didn’t get our happily ever after, but it was beautiful too.

Sometimes I think it would have been without a doubt easier if I had never met you, but then I wouldn’t have known the warmth of your smile or the joy I felt when I heard you laugh.

I would have missed out on the trust and the joy and the love and my life would have held far less meaning than it did.

All of the times we spent drinking and crying and laughing. The memories, the thoughts, the feelings—I carried them all in my heart close and dear and I pulled them out from time to time when missing you got overwhelmingly too much.

Like now as I write this letter. Like always really.

I could write forever and never tell you all that is in my heart, but I just wanted you to know how much I loved and dreamt of you. How much I wished and regretted.

I don’t really know what happens now. I don’t know what life is after death which is funny seeing as how we looked it in the face every day over the course of several decades, but I was never scared of it. The only thing I was really scared of was losing you, so I guess I’m telling you to hurry up and join me wherever I am.

Now, don’t take this as permission to go get yourself shot. Take your time, but also not too much time, okay?

Kind of ironic I’m telling you it’s okay to die whenever after I spent so many years begging you not to, isn’t it?

But you always did say you’d follow me anywhere, so I guess I’m telling you it’s okay to follow me now.

I love you, Jay Halstead.

Your partner always,

Detective Hailey Anne Upton

Fresh teardrops cover days old, dried ones and it is not lost on him that she signed her name the way she was signing it when he met her.

He sees a flash of blue eyes and blonde ponytail striding into a bank. Her voice echoing in his mind, sharp and clear as she declares that she is Detective Upton from Robbery-Homicide.

Back when she was his.

Jay slowly places a kiss over the loopy handwriting before pocketing the letter reverently and pushing himself up from his desk.

He walks down the main stairs, ignoring the hustle and bustle of police officers moving about the district and he sees moment after moment of his partnership with Hailey play out with each step he takes.

Down the front steps, turning the corner, sitting on the bench that has been there ever since he could remember.

How many lunches from a local food truck has he shared with Hailey on this bench?

He sits there and he remembers. He remembers all of the ‘I’d follow you blind’s’ and ‘we’ll always be good’s’.

All the times he looked beside him to find her laughing or smiling or teasing. The times she let him in and showed him the deepest, darkest parts of herself. The times where she pushed him, and he pushed her.

Always behind or beside or in front, watching his six and keeping his head on straight when the load got too heavy.

Every raid and stakeout and bust. All the times she was his right-hand man, his sounding board when he did not know what to do.

She always had the answer.

He knows he would have never made it without Hailey, and he does not know how he will make it now.

He blinks, reaching into his pocket for the letter and he sits there until day turns into night staring at her handwriting leaping up at him.

He sits there and he misses her.

He sits there and he closes his eyes.

He sits there and he looks for her.

And then he sees it. Her youthful smile looking at him, welcoming him, loving him and he smiles back.

God, he missed her.

Of course, he missed her. She was his partner.

#Chicago PD #upstead #upstead fanfiction #hailey upton #jay halstead #please don't kill me

[knockknockchicagopd]

❛ BLACK JACKET WITH WHITE LETTERS ❜

❚❙ REQUEST BY ANON: Would I be able to request prompt 16 “You're mine. I don't share”. With Hank voight where they go to one of those police events and she works in his unit and they are a couple with her being younger and they dont have to be in police uniform so she wears a really nice dress and as he introduces her and talks to other people he knows, some of the men check her out and try flirt with her and he notices. Could there be a bit of smut if not that's cool to ❤❤

❚❙ HANK VOIGHT MASTERLIST.

❚❙ WORDS: about 3k.

❚❙ Warnings: swearing, unprotected sex.

❚❙ A/N: this writing hasn’t been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I’m sorry about that. If you find a description about body or a word out of place, or something that makes you feel uncomfortable / unrepresented, let me know by a private message and I will change it delighted.

❚❙ GIF credits: to my amazing @sonsofeorl.

❚❙ General tag list: @melblacc @rebelwrites @skyofficialxx @sesamepancakes @scarletsoldierrr @mondefantastique @that-chick212 @enbyamaro @inlovewith3 @ocetevasgirl @destynelseclipsa @miahelen @jadakiss13 @mcgreads @graniairish @teller258316 @i-love-scott-mccall @tclaerh. Hank Voight tag list: @sophie-writes. If you wanna be added to my tag list, send my a message! ⚡

Fortunately, it's been a quiet day, otherwise, you couldn't deal with a Districts event like the Commanders call them. A meeting that reunites every officer, inspector, detective, and whoever who wears ‘the blue uniform’; including special agents from the FBI. These last ones are the kind of man who pushes you out of your good mood with all that quackery about serving the whole country, the unlimited resources, the missions. Every time you hear a fed talking about how passionate and exciting their jobs are, you just want to punch their faces. Mostly, they're behind a desk while cops like you are protecting the streets of Chicago in the firing line. But, as Burgess and Upton said, it's time to have some fun. And anything else.

Since you don't have to wear that horrible uniform you use at official events, you have chosen a breathtaking black silk dress that fits your anatomy to perfection, falling from your chest, with a spaghetti strap neckline, to your ankles. And a pair of skyscraper highlights on the same color, with the small difference that the heels are tremendously golden. Your back is almost bare, being crossed by four fine strips, knowing it's going to give Hank some trouble. Oh, you're going to have so much fun tonight. You are very sure.

The soft make-up delights your cute, but lethal, outfit on point ready to leave Kim's house accompanied by your friends. You've arranged to meet at the party with the rest of the Unit since your future husband and Antonio needed to be from the start of the event, which means the three of you are going to earn more than some gazes by assisting alone, with no male figures by your sides. As if you need some kind of protection. Men (...).

Stepping out from your car and giving the keys to the parking attendant, who seems he's having a heart attack after watching you walk with so much cockiness and sensuality, you come into the party. The look you exchange with Kim and Hailey as soon as you check the reaction of the assistants, makes you draw a triumphant smile while raising your chin in some kind of greeting. You aren't going to stop now, leading your steps straight to your partners. Ruzek chokes on champagne with his eyes over Burgess, while Hank looks at you over the edge of his glass of bourbon taking a sip.

“You should work like that every day”. Antonio opines welcoming the three of you in his arms.

“I second that, brother”. Jay quickly adds making a toast with his cup of red wine.

“Bet you'd be the one who wouldn't work”. Hailey replies palming his chest, making you giggle.

In the meantime they continue arguing about the dress code, a strong arm gets placed around your lower back to push you somewhat closer, letting his hand fall over your hipbone. You know exactly what it means. Hank isn't the kind of jealous man, who needs to mark his territory like a dog. But you know that sometimes he feels insecure because of the age gap. He trusts you blindly, that's a fact, but he's human; he has fears and you understand it. Putting your left hand on the back of his neck, you caress his scalp almost unnoticeably, tilting your head to leave a gentle kiss on his cheek earning a satisfied grin from him.

“You look really beautiful tonight”. He whispers, watching you sideways as if it's a secret between you two.

“Thank you, Sergeant. I always try to do my best”.

Hank chuckles against his glass about to have a last sip till emptying it. Taking it from his hand, you pull yourself away to go to the bar and ask for two more drinks. You're thirsty and too sober to be a Friday night. Checking some emails on your phone while the bartender serves your order, you can't help but listen to some backtalk about your career. A couple of suited men combed as politicians and wrapped on a strong scent that throws your stomach. You try to ignore them until they're close enough from your position to offer you a hand in a formal greeting.

“Johnson and Derrick. FBI”.

The blonde one looks like a senior official, while the other looks like a newbie. Turning towards both, you come into the forced polite mood to stretch his hand firmly.

“(Y/L/N), Intelligence Unit, gentlemen. A pleasure”.

“The pleasure is ours, detective”.

“Special agent”. You correct him inevitably, even if it sounds arrogant.

“Special agent, of course”. Johnson replies with a nod of his chin. “I've read your file lately. I have no words to describe it. Graduated with excellent grades in Yale, two years in the Army, another undercover in a Cartel… And you also know how to fly a helicopter”.

“If you weren't from the FBI, I could think you've been stalking me like one of your serial killers, sir”. The sarcasm in your tone of voice earns your Unit's attention, very focused on the conversation between the feds and you.

“Who catches a monster without becoming one, right?”

The man introduces a hand under his jacket to offer you his business card. But you don't take it, just looking at it for a second before raising your eyes towards his.

“In your academy shows you to have the big balls to disrespect a Sergeant or a Chief, by trying to steal their officers in front of their faces? Because mine shows us to serve and protect the citizens”.

His gesture changes suddenly in a sight, hearing some chuckles behind you coming from Hailey and Kim. Raising both eyebrows as you don't get any reply back, you just nod before grabbing the two drinks you have asked for when they interrupted you. Coming back to your friends, you can't help but wrinkle your nose in a gesture of disgust earning more giggles from your partners. But it doesn't seem funny for Hank, who you know he's killing them in thousands of ways inside his head.

As the night passes, you notice Agent Johnson's eyes on you with no shame, starting to make you feel uncomfortable. Although you would be delighted to embarrass him in front of everyone, he has had enough from you. But this doesn't end there. Excusing yourself, you step to the terrace almost emptied to have some fresh air, knowing he's going to follow you. Maybe, to insist a little more. He was so interested in recruiting you to miss the chance.

And as you thought, he's that predictable. You don't turn because of his steps coming closer, but because he pretends to clear his throat to claim your attention. Crossing your arms over your chest, you tilt your head to a side feigning curiosity with a forced smile showing up on your lips.

“I would like to apologize for my behavior. In my profession isn't habitual to find agents of your characteristics”.

“For sure, sir. It doesn't matter”.

“You could have an extraordinary career in the FBI”.

“I already have it where I am. I don't need schedules, cheap suits, and an earpiece to succeed”.

“I understand your relationship interferes in your decision, but you do—”.

“I'm sorry, you said what? Did you…? Oh, god, I can't fucking believe it”. You can't help but laugh shaking your head. “I don't have any relationship as soon as I wear my badge, sir. And you are starting to cross a line you don't want to cross. Believe me”.

“Ma'am, don't misunderstand my words, nor my intentions. I just think ma—”.

“Nobody asked you to think, Johnson”.

Raising your eyes over his shoulders, you can see your boyfriend sipping his glass of whisky, joining the talk as he tries to keep calm. You know Hank to perfection. If he wasn't your boss, he would have punched him already.

“If you continue pissing off my agent, we're gonna have a problem”.

The man just nods, alternating his gaze between the two of you. Seems that he has admitted his defeat.

“Beautiful and lethal. You're a son of a bitch with so much luck, Voight. Take care of this diamond. Or she will end up wearing a blue jacket with yellow letters”.

“Uh-huh”. He replies as you continue remaining silent.

Passing your boss away back to the party, leaving you alone, you can't hide the proud smile that turns your gesture into a funnier one. Taking short steps towards him, you steal the glass from his hand to drink from it under his attentive brown eyes.

“Blue isn't my color. Not at all. I'm more into black”. You whisper referring to the jackets you are used to wearing in the Chicago department.

“Hm…”

“Imagine having your badge hanging from your neck all day like a collar. Do I look like a dog? I prefer to have it on my belt. And I'm already used to the disgusting watered coffee we make in the twenty-one”. As you continue giving him more reasons, your forefinger traces a path up from his chest to his nape. “And I have so much fun driving my Dodge all around Chicago”.

“Anything else you wanna add?”

“Hm… no. Actually, not. That's all, sir”. You reply puckering your lips, pulling yourself away some inches with a playful aura wrapping you both.

“Now lemme tell you something here”. Hank says then, leaning over your ear. “You're mine, I don't share”.

His voice and his characteristic raspy voice gives you some chills down your spine bone. Biting your bottom lip unconsciously while he stands up, you know the party is over for you and it's time to go home. Holding your hand and taking back his glass of whisky, you walk inside to say your goodbyes before leaving the fancy place straight to the underground parking. You are not going to lie saying you don't love his dominant mood when the occasion demands it.

As soon as you reach your car, you can notice sideways Hank making sure you're totally alone. He doesn't usually take risks of being seen in public too lovey-dovey, but it's not about it this time and you can't wait for him to go ahead with his intentions. Of course, he doesn't make you wait for too long to push your back to the copilot door, attacking your neck in the meantime his hands grab your hips stealing you a low gasp. Hank makes himself between your legs, urging you to surround his waist with one of them to close the distance that separates you, feeling the need he has to mark his territory, as rarely he shows.

“Take me home”. You almost beg closing your eyes as his teeth are nailed on your most sensitive spot, earning a soft grunt that vibrates your body.

“I'm gonna take you here, sweetheart. Any problem?”

“Hell, no, sergeant”.

“Get in the car. Now”.

You don't complain, taking it as an order when he takes two steps back releasing your body and opening the back door for you. And the next minute passes too fast, rolling up your dress as Hank undoes his belt and unzips his pants. In just a sigh he's deep-buried between your legs. It's the first time you take this kind of risk, almost in public, and the horniness it produces is driving you crazy. With your lips almost touching the others, you moan uninhibited every time his hands on your lower back urge you to keep swinging your hips, sitting on his lap.

The way his eyes memorize every gesture drawn on your face has you breathless. It's a sensation you can't describe. Hank has some kind of power over you that you haven't experienced before, even if you think you're indomitable he always manages to make whatever he wants with you. And you know it. You let him do it. Just like right now, marking his territory with desirous bites and wet kisses all around your exposed throat. The most visible part of your body. He doesn't need to prove anything. He isn't the kind of man who needs to call out any other man who dares to lay his eyes on you. Everybody in this damn city knows you're more than his pupil and they're too scared to say hi, although there's always an exception to the rule. In this case, the FBI agents acting like carrion birds.

The mist clouds the windows, as the heat concentrated on your bodies makes you sweat slightly. Hank takes the control turning you under his body against the seat in a position that puts you to see the stars. Every move of his pelvis is accurate, hitting your g-spot, satisfied with how good his name sounds getting drowned between pleased moans once and again. With every push to your body, his dick is dug deeper through your tight wetness making him grunt into your ear, feeling more delighted than never before. And everything is because of the way you had to reply to that FBI agent in front of everyone, showing him how clear you have your preferences; not only because of your relationship, as Johnson pointed out. But because everybody in Chicago is aware that there's no better boss in law enforcement. There's no better Unit than the Intelligence one from the police department of your hometown.

As your legs get wrapped around his waist to pull him closer, one of his arms surrounds your middle back while his free hand flies straight to your throat. Keeping your eyes closed, the suffocating sensation within your lower belly continues growing with every thrust that steals the air from your lungs and races your heart over its possibilities. You're close. So close that your mind is a total blank, just focused on the way only he can make you feel. So good, so desired, so full of life. He knows it, he takes it in advantage. And he enjoys it more than anything.

“Oh, fuck…” Hank got you almost in tears because of the pleasure, traveling your hands to the back of his neck, nailing your nails there. “God… I'm gonna… Fuck, Hank, don't stop, please… Don't stop”.

“I won't, my love… Not till you give me what I want”.

His voice always plays dirty with your mind. The way he has to drag every syllable on his tongue with that husky voice that puts you to tremble, as he continues burying his hard dick inside you with no mercy, speeding up as soon as he feels your legs clung to his body slightly shaking. Because of the fewer insecurities he has about your relationship, he feels proud whenever he makes you reach that sweet sensation of the orgasm taking control of your anatomy. He doesn't care if he has to use his hands, his tongue… whatever. It's not only about sex between the two of you, of course not. But making you cum screaming out his name is an every-day-goal.

And you don't make him wait for too long, arching your back when a lash of heat hits your spine and the grenade inside your lower belly explodes. Your gasps fill up your car, while he continues fucking you harder than seconds before not showing any compassion to your exhausted body, looking for your lips to devours them desperately. His tongue starts a fight for dominance, winning over yours like every single time, in the meantime his fingers grips tightly your throat. Instinctively, you swing your hips in sync, provoking every move to go deeper among your shaky legs.

Hank can't hold it anymore, digging his cock to the limits of your guts, almost hitting your soul with a last strong lung. His warm seed fills you up completely, keeping pushing his body against yours, pressing both to the seat with his hands now placed on the headrest. It feels like a whole set of fireworks. Your moans complement his delighted growls to perfection.

“Don't move, please”. You beg with a thin voice thread, at the same time he rests his forehead on yours.

The two of you can barely breathe, trying to recover after an intense session of your favorite cardio workout. From nowhere, you can't help but giggle in unison. You can't believe you just fucked inside your car and with the risk of being caught in the act. A sergeant and one of his special agents. Even if it's your free night and you're in an established relationship, he's still your boss.

“I would miss working with you”.

“Huh?”

“If I get the FBI's offer”. You mumble, leaving clumsy kisses all around his face. “You're the best cop Chicago has”.

“You don't have to butter me up for a second round”.

Shaking your head briefly and laughing, you caress his scalp so gently as he sinks his face into your sweaty neck.

“Now you said so… maybe I have the fantasy of being bent over your desk”.

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, just… maybe”.

“Then maybe I could bring you to my office, before going home. There's some paperwork to attend to”.

#lemme know what you think in a comment! ⚡ #chicago pd #chicago pd imagine #chicago pd x reader #one chicago #hank voight imagine #hank voight x reader #hank voight

[cpd-55055]

My Thoughts of Chicago PD 9x08:

WOW. That might just be my favorite episode from season 9 so far. I mean don’t get me wrong, I loved 9x01, the Upstead proposal and all the precious Adam and Makayla moments we got, but there was still a lot of tension between the characters and Hailey was still lying to Jay. Watching that episode gave a lot of anxiety just thinking about the future of Upstead, but 9x08 proved to me that Upstead will be fine. This episode showed me that no matter how crazy life gets, Jay still loves Hailey and wants to marry her. I can go on forever about all the upstead goodness we got this episode, but I want to first talk about the case of the week. 

I went into this episode not expecting much. I wasn’t very excited about the FBI case nor the actual Intelligence case. This case about the 2 sisters covering for each other was really interesting. When I read the episode description a few weeks ago, I had guessed that the father was abusive and the girls killed him in self defense. And that was what they were showing us for a brief moment but when the truth about Candace came out, I was really shocked. I mean the writers for a brief moment made me believe that Candace was actually being abused. That is some great writing. This case wasn’t a typical one and after watching it quite a few times, I realized that they had been hinting this psychotic behavior in Candace from the minute we met her. I mean the way, she cried at the hospital and how she quickly made up a story that she and her sister sound alike, they were all hints the writers gave us from the beginning. After watching this episode, it also made me realize that we haven’t had a female suspect in such a long time. Usually the cases they tackle have a male suspect who is in a gang or has some sort of criminal background. Or the case is related to drugs. But this one is something we haven’t seen ever and it was really nice to be engulfed in a very unique case. I was equally curious to know what would happen in the FBI case as well as the Intelligence case.

Now going into the Roy stuff. I know a lot of people were disappointed that this episode and the whole Roy case was focused only on Jay, Hailey, and Voight but to me I think it would have been chaotic if they tried to shove 5 different peoples emotions into a 40 minute episode. I feel like that wouldn’t to justice for any of the characters. This Roy Walton situation has impacted 2 people the most in two very different ways, Hailey Upton and Kim Burgess. And although they have sidelined Kim’s reaction to this whole mess, which I am a little disappointed about, the way they have written Hailey’s side of this storyline is amazing. She has been carrying this secret and the guilt since she pulled the trigger that night. For several episodes, she was falling apart due to the fact she was keeping Jay in the dark. She was scared that when Jay finds out the truth, he was going to look at her differently. She was scared that he was going to lose faith and trust in her. She was scared that he was going to stop loving her. And maybe it felt like he might be heading towards that direction, especially in 9x07, but 9x08 showed that Jay is still in love with Hailey and would do anything for her, including covering up a crime she committed. If Jay was such a by the book cop, never letting anyone bend the rules, he would have turned Hailey and Voight in, but he decided to keep his mouth shut because he loves Hailey too much to let her go down for this. And he is willing to pay the consequences if it means he gets to protect Hailey. And Agent North decided to use Hailey as leverage. 

I personally think that Jay would have told North to go to hell if his options were him or Voight. But North threatened Hailey and that’s why I think Jay is going to have a harder time making his decision. He loves Hailey and would do anything to protect her. He isn't Voight’s biggest fan and would very much like to see him dealing with consequences, but Jay is not a snitch. As much as he hates Voight right now, he doesn’t want to be the person that puts him away. In 5x17, Voight had asked Al what his breaking point. I think for Jay, Hailey is his breaking point and would do anything to protect her even if it puts his own life and career at risk. Now do I think Hailey will let Jay take the fall for her actions, hell no. But I can see him do something risky to help her out. 

Another reason why I LOVED this episode is because I fell in love with Hailey Anne Upton again. She was truly badass. I mean the way she kept her cool in front of North and told him he was wasting her “God Damn Time”! One of the reasons why I love her is she never lets her personal life get in the way of her job. While Voight and Jay were worried about the FBI finding out the truth, Hailey only cared about finding out the truth regarding the sisters. She knew that the sisters were lying and that was her number one concern, to solve the case. She didn’t care that the FBI was close to the truth or how this could easily be her last case as a cop. All she wanted was to put her own drama aside and focus on the girls which is a really great trait in a cop. I’ve read a lot of comments saying the scene where Hailey tells Jay how something in the case is wrong is where Jay realized that Hailey is still her, and I agree. I think that’s the moment when he released that she was still HIS Hailey, his partner, best friend, and fiance. 

Also, Hailey and Jay’s apartment is really pretty. I loved the dark blue with the white walls and the blue backsplash in the bathroom. I wonder where Jay got his inspiration from.😂

Overall, the episode was just amazing. Even though Jay and Hailey were unclear about their relationship, their partnership was still solid. They continues to work well together and solved the case even with drama in the background. Their relationship is truly unique and no other ship on the show has such a developed foundation and friendship like them. Upstead is fine, they will get through this Roy case together like they always do. They will find a way to get in front of this without losing each other. I don’t know what they writers have in store for the second half of the season or how this Roy case is going to play, but, at the end of the day, all I know and care about is UPSTEAD IS ENDGAME AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT!

#chicago pd #9x08 #hailey upton #fbi #jay halstead #hank voight #my thoughts #upstead #endgame

[wafflesetc]

What do you think they are going to do long term with upstead? I am scared Gwen is going to kill him.

This is a tough one for me because it’s like trying to be a psychic.

I am firmly, whole heartedly, team Upstead. I do not think that they would do not only Jay’s character dirty like that, but I also don’t think they would do that to Hailey.

Ten years of Jay Halstead and five years of Upstead is a long time. It’s a lot of screen time. I personally feel like it would be such a disservice to both of their characters to kill him. I also genuinely do not believe divorce is even an option for them. Jay Halstead took an oath to protect an serve his country, which he fulfilled. He took an oath to protect and serve the citizens of Chicago and he did that. He made a vow- an oath, a promise, to love Hailey Upton in sorrow and in joy- for the rest of his life. He’s not going to not fulfill that promise to her. Conversely, with Hailey, she’s already loved and lost a partner. (Garrett) we know a bit about that story line because of Ghosts, but I truly think that it would completely wreck Hailey to lose Jay like that. Not to say she didn’t love Garrett, I firmly believe she did. But I think the reason she can love and be with Jay is because of her history with Garrett. (I say the same thing about EL & Jay). It would be redundant story telling to her character to kill him. Also, with Hailey and her character, marriage is probably a big deal. She didn’t have a healthy marriage to look up to growing up, so she probably never thought she would have that. Then she met Jay, and her world was turned upside down. The fact she was the one to bring up marriage to him shows me just how serious she is about the matter. So, again for her, I don’t see her divorcing him. And she’s also a woman of her word, she’s going to live up to her vows even if it kills her in the process because a small part of her knows- he needed this; for them.

I do waiver sometimes, depending on what Tracy is going to do with her contract, or what is going to happen with the show. Only time will tell on that part. But regardless; I am team they are going to be good, they’re always going to be good.

#upstead #ask waffs #Chicago pd

[karihighman]

QUEEN HAILEY UPTON DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE ON THIS LIST!!!!!!

#chicago pd #hailey upton #no hate on hailey here!!!!!!!!!! #protect tracy at all costs #also protect hailey upton #excuse me what #how can you hate her? #she’s a queen #Tracy’s a babey #angel #how can you not like her???!!! #i do not understand #buzzfeed

[kimburgess-ruzek]

Shattered

chapter one: purgatory

summary: Intelligence had been through the worst of the worst trying to get one of their own back alive. Each member has been to their own personal hell. Will everyone make it back, or will the cracks in Intelligence be big enough for the entire team to shatter?

a/n: about that s9 speculation, yeah i’m going to make a fic out of it. if you want to beat around the bush and read the plot of the fic, it’s here. definitely new to writing so we’ll see how this goes! also, don’t know how to work a tag list, but if you want to be tagged, let me know!

t/w: mentions of trauma, gunshot wounds, assault, surgical procedures (which btw i made up, i’m not a medical expert)

read on ao3.

.

purgatory

“I think we should get married.”

six words. six of the most important words. Jay had the breath knocked out of him. He can’t understand what he was just asked. I think we should get married. Just a few months ago, Hailey wouldn’t even look into his eyes, much less say “I love you.” And a marriage proposal, that seemed pretty much impossible.

Jay looked into Hailey’s eyes. He saw past the tears and looked deeper. He saw sadness and fear, emotions not usually associated with an engagement. No, he saw something different. Hailey was different.

Jay cleared his throat, clearly stunned. “I—.” He tried to find words, find anything to respond. But he couldn’t. He cleared his throat and tried again to say something, anything, but nothing came out. Hailey noticed the hesitation and suddenly changed her demeanor. She tried to dry her tears as quickly as possible, wiping her eyes and running her hair through her hands. She then stopped Jay, interrupting whatever he was trying to express.

“You know what, never mind. Never mind. I— We need to go. We need to get to the hospital. See how Kim’s doing.”

Jay saw the sudden change and tried to reason with Hailey. He quickly found his words. “Wait, wait, wait. Hails. Is everything okay?” He asked while putting his hands on Hailey’s arms, stopping her from turning towards the door. He gently rubbed them, trying to soothe Hailey. However, it was to no avail; Hailey gently pushed herself away.

“No. No, we need to go. We need to see Kim. I need to see her. Let me go change and then we’ll leave, okay?” Hailey reassured Jay, nodding her head. Before Jay could respond, Hailey kissed Jay on the cheek and briskly walked to the room. She felt like she was suffocating in her clothes. She had worn them for almost two straight days, and she had been to hell and back in them. She needed to get out of them.

“Okay—“ Jay half yelled, wanting to make sure she heard him. He updated Will on his whereabouts and he let the rest of the team know he and Hailey were on their way to the hospital. Kevin replied that Kim was still in surgery. The doctor hasn’t given any updates but hopefully will soon. After about five minutes, Hailey walked out in a new pair of jeans and a different top. She quietly grabbed three granola bars, one for her to eat on the way and the others probably for Kevin and Trudy. Jay loved how thoughtful she was. She had her keys, purse, and jacket in hand and was heading for the door.

“Ready?”

“Yep.” Jay got up from the couch and followed Hailey out the door, turning off the lights on the way out.

The walk to the car and the drive to Med was really quiet. There was definitely tension in the vehicle; there wasn’t the comfortable silence that Jay and Hailey were used to. Hailey was focused on the road while Jay was focused on Hailey. She never looked back at Jay though, her eyes only on the road.

“Do you want to talk about what just happened—“ Jay started but Hailey quickly interrupted him.

“No.”

Jay took a breath and mumbled “okay.”

For the rest of the ride, you could’ve heard a pin drop in the car. No one talked and no one made any extra movement. Once Hailey found a parking spot in the parking garage, she turned the car off and took a long, hard breath, trying to gather her words. Jay was opening the door when Hailey grabbed his hand, stopping him.

“Look, Jay. I... Look I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to be short with you.”

It’s okay,” Jay replied, trying to reassure her.

“No, it's more than that. I didn’t mean what I said earlier. At the apartment. I mean I love you, I do. I love you. And I think you’re decent. But not the other stuff. I just... It was just today. We almost lost our team member. We almost lost our friend, Jay. I don’t know what I would’ve done if we lost Kim. And I can’t think about it. If we did lose her. Because I don’t know if I could’ve forgiven myself. I don’t know if I could live with myself, thinking I could’ve done more. And at the apartment, I just saw someone that helped save my friend and I don’t want to lose you either, ever. And the emotions and no sleep and everything just got to me and I.. I. I don’t know. I don’t know. But.. Just don’t think about that question I asked earlier. Okay, Jay? Okay? It’s all good, I promise.”

Jay could clearly see Hailey was rambling. She was tired, no, she was exhausted, and she was backtracking. He was scared. He was scared that Hailey would retreat back to before, turned off from love. He hoped this experience didn’t make Hailey go back to being afraid of love. Of loving Jay. Because he loved Hailey. He loved everything about Hailey, from her seriousness when working a case to her humming along to the music she was playing in her earphones while pouring her coffee in the mornings. But there was also something else. Something that Jay couldn’t explain. Hailey was different, and not different because of what she explained. No, this was more than fear, more than desperation. This was a plea, almost a cry for help. And Jay didn’t know why. But he knew that something changed in her. Something happened when Voight split them up. And Jay knew he had to get to the bottom of it. Not for his sake, but for Hailey’s.

As much as Jay wanted to tell her he enjoyed the proposal, he knew she didn’t mean it. At least, he knew she didn’t want it for pure love. This wasn’t genuine. The love was, but the proposal wasn’t. This was a reaction to something. And as much as Jay would love to be engaged to Hailey Upton, he knew she wasn’t ready for it. And he knew she would regret it if the proposal went down like this. But he knew that he loved Hailey with all of his heart, and he was going to show that. As much as he wanted to say "yes," he was afraid of saying anything would just break her. So he went along with Hailey at the moment, and he decided he was going to try again later.

Jay put his free hand to Hailey’s cheek, wiping a stray tear. “Hailey, I love you. I love you so much. And that’s not going to change. Ever. I will do whatever you want to do and are comfortable doing. Now, let’s go check on Kim. Does that sound good?”

Hailey relaxed into Jay’s hand and closed her eyes. This was the first time she had relaxed in hours. After a pause, she nodded and left Jay’s hold. She opened the car door, and they walked towards the hospital entrance to hear the fate of their friend’s life. They walked into the unknown.

.

Med was covered in blues. Police of all ranks and districts filled the waiting room. It was so packed, Kim would be embarrassed. She wouldn’t want to be the center of attention. But she needed the love. She needed the support, and when one of their own has fallen, everyone’s going to be there to help pick them back up.

Hailey and Jay quickly spotted Kevin and Trudy in their blackout gear. Kevin had his bloody vest lying on the floor next to him. His bloody vest that was Kim’s blood from where he held her so tight, trying to stop any bleeding if it would do any good. Trudy was sitting in a chair and Kevin was standing next to her, his hand on her shoulder and his phone to his ear. He wasn’t talking, but his phone was still to his ear.

Trudy wasn’t speaking either. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t find any reason to have small talk. Or deep talk. She just couldn’t find anything to say. All she could do was just think, and run her mind to the ground worrying about Kim.

Kim held a very special place in Trudy’s heart. She was different from any other officer that Trudy has had. Kim has this pluckiness to her. She had a different attitude when it came to policing. And as much as Trudy berated her in front of the 21st, as much as Trudy picked on Kim and made her work overtime and made her run the extra mile, she loved Kim. She loved that green rookie with big brown eyes that walked in on the first day with a smile and a donut. She loved the woman who stayed in the district despite her failed relationship. She loved the woman who kept fighting when she kept getting knocked down. Kim had to have the biggest heart Trudy had ever known a police officer to have. Whether that be because of all of the hardship she has dealt with in the police academy or the lack thereof while growing up Trudy didn’t know. And to be quite frank, she didn’t care. All she knew was that she wanted to protect that big heart of Kim’s. She had to because Kim was the reason why a city like Chicago has hope. Kim brought light to a city of darkness. She brought ambition to a city of despair. No matter what the case was, Kim put all of her knowledge and energy into that case. She not only did that, but she cared for the people in the case. Hell, she even cared for some of the suspects, damn it. That’s how big Kim’s heart was. That's how big Kim's heart is. And now, that big, gullible, genuine heart has to fight for its life. It had to put itself in a position to be saved and it has to endure hours upon hours of surgery. So no, Trudy could not find any words to say.

Hailey and Jay walked up to Kevin and Trudy and gave solemn grins. Trudy found the strength to stand up and hug both Hailey and Jay. She held onto Jay a little longer, whispering ever so quietly “Thank you.” Jay patted Trudy’s back as a welcome, trying not to cry from the images of Kim handcuffed in that Buick resurfacing. After what seemed like a century, Trudy let go and sat back down. Hailey hugged Kevin and she and Jay stood with them.

Hailey then dug into her bag and pulled out a portable phone charger and handed it to Kevin.

“I thought you might need this.”

“Thanks, Hailey. Ruz would appreciate it.” Kev kindly took the charger and plugged it into his phone. He was glad because his phone was surely dying but he wanted to give Adam all of the updates as that were coming in.

“How’s Makayla?” Jay asked, crossing his arms.

“Uh, she’s good. She’s good. Adam told her that Kim had to work late, so she’s good. She remembered Adam and wasn’t scared. She fell asleep on the couch but Adam moved her to her bedroom.” Kevin tried to find any facts to answer Jay's question. He replied before listening to Adam say something over the phone.

“Yeah, Hailey and Jay are here... No, no updates yet... Yeah, man... The docs said the surgery would be pretty long.” Kevin answered over the phone.

“I spoke to the Commander. Intelligence isn’t getting any new cases until Kim pulls through.” Trudy stated, looking up at Jay and Hailey who nodded. They both thought it was rather respectful of the commander.

Trudy turned her attention towards Hailey, asking, “Did you or Hank find anything about Roy?”

With that question, Kevin looked at Hailey too. He chimed in, “Yeah did you catch any leads? Do you know where Voight is? Trudy has tried calling, but it goes straight to voicemail.”

All eyes were on Hailey, who quickly became flustered and at a loss for words. Does she tell the truth? Hell no. Not right now at least. Not until she gets to the bottom of what Voight did with the body. What does she tell them? She hung her mouth open, not knowing what to say. Jay noticed Hailey’s nerves and tried to calm her by putting a hand on her shoulder and giving it a squeeze. This made Hailey refocus, and she mustered up an answer.

“I, uh. No. No. And I don’t know where Voight is.” Hailey could barely get her Sergeant’s name out of her mouth. She tried her best to sound casual and honest, and it must’ve worked. Either that or everyone was so exhausted and stressed that they didn’t press any further.

Will Halstead pushed his way through the waiting room and joined the team.

“Hey, no word yet. I just talked to one of the nurses. Just said they’re still in surgery.” Will said. He tried to press for news. Anything, but he was shot down. Hopefully, this was just because they were in a rush and not because they had bad news, which is what Will does but didn't want to believe was the situation now. When Jay told him of Kim's injuries, Will, as a doctor, was shocked she even had a pulse. Her injuries were severe and traumatic, and she spent almost 24 hours bleeding. But Will dare not say his thoughts to Intelligence. No. He didn't want to break any of their hope. And Kim was going to need all of the hope she could get if she was going to pull through.

The team just nodded and settled in. Not one of them was going to leave until they received news about their member. So they waited.

.

It was 8:03 am. The sun was peaking through the blinds covering the windows. It has been 10 hours. 10 long hours. Some of the police officers left for their shift. Most stayed, camping out in their chairs. Some slept on the floor. Some were called to a scene where they handled it and immediately came back to the hospital. Hailey, Jay, Kevin, and Trudy rotated between two seats, allowing each person to catch a little bit of sleep. But in reality, none of them could get more than a few minutes of rest before the memories of the previous 36 hours crept into their minds, jolting them alert and awake. But they all stayed in that waiting room. In purgatory. No matter how scared, how sad they were, they all remained brave. Trudy and Jay tried calling Voight a couple of times only to realize he wasn't coming. They passed it off to be overwhelming. They thought Hank couldn't fathom hearing any bad news about Kim in person. Either that or he was somewhere, swallowing down liquor like he did when Al passed. But they didn't leave. They couldn't leave. They just had to hope the Sergeant wasn't doing anything he shouldn't be doing. 

Kevin stayed on the phone until about 3 am before Adam told him he was going to try to sleep so he could take Makayla to school the next day. Adam woke up at 6 but got the same luck as the rest of his team. He didn’t really get much of actual rest. But he woke up, got ready, fixed breakfast, woke Makayla up, got her ready, drove her to school while singing her favorite songs, and was back on the phone with Kev and heading to Med before 7:45.

Will kept coming in and out of the waiting room. He would periodically try to get information but was shut down every time. Nevertheless, he kept trying. He kept pushing for Intelligence. For Kim.

Suddenly, a doctor scrubbed and dressed in surgical gear stepped foot into the waiting room and everyone immediately woke each other up and sprang to their feet. Kevin told Adam the surgeon was here and put his phone on speaker. The surgeon walked straight to Intelligence and the other officers turned towards the team, waiting for the news. No one moved. No one blinked. Everyone studied the surgeon, trying to pick up on any cues before he spoke. Everyone held their breath. Everyone waited for the update.

After a long breath, the surgeon started pouring words.

“Officer Kim Burgess experienced severe head trauma, assault, shoulder strain, and two shots to the abdominal region. It was clear she lost a lot of blood, and when we got into surgery, it was much worse. She had a dislocated right knee, so we set it in place. The through-and-through shot didn’t do any internal damage so we patched it right up. The other one that never exited was lodged two inches to the right of her left kidney. If it were to hit it, she would have experienced kidney failure and gone into shock shortly after getting hit. Luckily, that didn’t happen. We were able to extract the bullet with as minimal damage as could be done. She had some pieces of glass lodged in her arms and we were able to get them out. She experienced head trauma. We checked, and she was bleeding internally in the brain. Left untreated, it could have lead to developmental setbacks, blood clotting, or death. However, it must’ve started only a little before she arrived here. This was likely due to her staying calm under pressure and subconsciously keeping her head in the correct position. She lost a lot of blood and had a low BP. She lost a pulse after we tried to stop the bleeding, but she was resuscitated after the first try. We did everything we could, and we did a lot. She made it out of surgery. She’s critical, but she’s stable.”

With that, everyone let out the breath that they were holding and erupted with such emotion. Some celebrated, hugging and shaking hands with each other. Some clapped and yelled in happiness. Some stood there in awe, in shock, in disbelief. Hailey dropped her head in her hands and started sobbing. Kim’s alive. She’s alive. Jay let out an excited expression and high-fived Will before engulfing a shaky Hailey in a huge hug. Trudy just let out a loud, deep sigh of relief. She immediately pulled the surgeon in for a hug. She knew Kim would pull through. Kim’s a fighter. She was going to push through. Kevin had big tears in his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. As much as he tried to be optimistic, he saw Kim with his own two eyes. He saw her and could only imagine what kind of torturous hell she went through. He knew Kim was strong, but this. This situation looked bleak. And as much as he tried not to believe that he held on to Kim during her dying breaths, he just didn’t know if Kim could pull through. He didn’t know if anyone could have pulled through with those injuries. But she did. Kim’s alive. After Kevin caught his breath he put his phone to his ear and checked on Adam.

“You heard that, brother?”

All he heard back were deep breaths and sobs.

“She’s okay. She’s gonna be okay. She’s gonna be okay.” Kev heard Adam whispering in between his cries. He didn’t hear a direct answer from Adam but he knew he heard the surgeon. Kev followed suit and replied, “She’s gonna be okay. She's gonna be okay, bro.”

The surgeon cleared his throat and the waiting room quieted down, listening to what else he had to say.

“They’re wrapping up on Officer Burgess now. She will have a brace on her knee to keep it in place. She’s cut and bruised, and she’ll likely have a concussion. We’re giving her blood and we’ll continue for the next few days along with antibiotics to treat any infections from the warehouse. She’s sedated. We’re going to try to ease her awake but she’s a fighter. So she’ll probably wake up by tonight. She’ll be transferred to a private ICU after she’s out of surgery. She’s been to hell and back, and she has a hell of a recovery to go, but she’s alive.”

The waiting room erupted again in relief and celebration. The surgeon hugged and shook hands with all of the officers, including Intelligence. He then left the room to allow the policemen to celebrate.

Intelligence just looked at each other. They didn’t jump up and down or screamed to the rooftops. No, they were too tired for that. But also it was a different kind of energy. 48 hours ago, they were at each other’s throats. Each one of them had a different idea on how to solve this case. On how to get Kim back. Each one of them had hit their breaking point. Each one of them had been to their own hell. And some of them hadn’t made it back yet. And while Kim was fighting back from her hell, while she was fighting for her life, the team came together. They rallied together for their team member, for their friend. They had to come together in order to give Kim that energy. That strength in order for her to make it out on the other side. But that was temporary, and the team knew that. Now, after Kim has made it, the team doesn't know how to feel. They didn’t know what to do. And just because they got what they wanted — they got Kim back and they got her back alive — it doesn’t mean everything that just happened is dropped. It doesn’t mean everything, every word can just be forgotten. No, it just means things get taken off pause.

Intelligence had a lot of work to do. It had a long road ahead of them. The question is: will everyone make it out unscathed? Or will someone crack, leading Intelligence to be shattered?

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