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variousqueerthings · 3 years

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Tom Hardy Movies rated least to most queer

I made a list of some Tom Hardy movies and I rated them based on my own, non-specific criteria about what makes a movie queer. Results below the cut.

(Some films not included, because I haven’t watched them yet, because Mr Hardy’s only in them for a few minutes, because the subject matter doesn’t lend itself to this list, or because I just don’t want’em here. TV series also not included. The list is organised into both groups and ratings, because I’m doing The Most.)

Movies are divided into four groups and rated from 0 – 10 on the Queer-Scale, scroll down to the bottom if you want the ratings without the commentary.

Disclaimer: This list is subjective. Don’t come at me because I didn’t rate Inception higher, Nolan himself is as queer as cargo shorts.

1. This movie would make more sense if it were queer

If this movie were queer it… might not become a perfect film all of a sudden, but it’d make a hell of a lot more sense than what’s actually going on. With an occasional dose of “are the cis-straights okay?”

This Means War (2012): So Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are ostensibly both in love with Reese Witherspoon, but say “I love you” to each other pretty much constantly throughout the movie and their friendship is often presented as a domestic partnership. Cool, cool, cooool.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10. This movie hate-crimed me by having Tom Hardy literally spell out his relationship with Chris Pine, only for the script to then have him say… “can you imagine all that… but with a woman…” Later on the movie explicitly denies polyamory is possible. Fuck this film.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Batman movies should always be queer. Mr. Hardy’s the only one who acceptably camps it up, despite Nolan’s best attempts to make him “acceptably gruff.” No matter what you do, Bane is a massive daddy in a mask and thanks to Mr Hardy’s honestly iconic fucking speech pattern in this film, it goes from pretty atrociously straight to just queer enough to imagine a future where Robert Pattinson plays batman and maybe adopts a bunch of kids.

(the only truly decent mask in this franchise tbh)

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. Mr Hardy’s back is the one that’s actually broken carrying any semblance of fun in this overly long movie all on his own.

Lawless (2012): Wow, this really was the year of the not-queer-enough, wasn’t it? Look, it’s “based on a real story,” but it’s also a movie and movies don’t need to stick to the truth, and this one certainly doesn’t. Was the guy queer in real life? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s just kind of an eh movie and maybe being queer would add something to it. One of those “but why make someone queer? because it’s always more interesting to do so,” movies.

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. It’s just not queer. But Tom Hardy wears cardigans and described his character as a “mother figure,” which adds an interesting dynamic to him.

2. Actually Queer but in a homophobic way

Tom Hardy plays a canonically queer character, yaaay. The whole movie contains a strange sense of the director being too not-queer to actually engage with that and everything around him is almost aggressively straight, noooo.

RocknRolla (2008): Honestly this movie has the funniest coming out scene ever + that familiar undertone of “all these manly men secretly want to fuck each other” is only heightened by one of them actually being gay and in love with his best friend. It’s such a fucking… it’s such a movie. Personally I find Mark Strong, Idris Elba, Thandie Newton, and, of course, Tom Hardy to be really hot in it, so that’s a plus. There’s a scene in which Strong’s character teaches another gangster how to do a proper backhand. It’s really gay of him. Also slow-dancing at a gay club. Butler’s character needs to get himself together, you really don’t think 2008 Tom Hardy is hot? Mate.

(left to right: functional queer, disaster queer, distinguished queer)

Queer Rating: 6 out of 10, for having an actual gay character who is played by Tom Hardy doing a sexy phonecall voice to another guy, but then there’s that feeling you can’t shake that the whole movie is vaguely uncomfortable about it, like a family member awkwardly patting you on the shoulder after they found out you were queer second-hand, but they’ve still got 50 years of bias to unlearn. Also Thandie Newton is killed, fuck that noise.

Legend (2015): If I had a nickle for the amount of times Tom Hardy’s played a gay gangster, I’d have two nickles. Which isn’t a lot, but weird that it happened twice (looks at Peaky Blinders and thinks it ought to be three times). I’ve watched Legend three times and every time it just… loses me. And because this is a biased list, I’ll only specifically mention that it fails to make Ron’s queerness anything but a way for him to shock others. Gangsters could be gay? Gasp! On the upside Tom Hardy has so much sexual tension with everyone in this movie, including himself (why would you do that? Asks Ron, bemused. Because I can’t kill you, no matter how much I fucking want to, hisses a blood-soaked Reggie right into his ear. It’s hot).

Queer rating: 5 out of 10 because the film is just not very queer for a movie with several queer men in it.

3. Straight as a forced family dinner

It’s straight.

Locke (2013): He’s a married man who had an affair and trying to deal with the fallout of it. This isn’t a spoiler for most of the movie, it’s a pretty neat movie where we look at Tom Hardy having a bit of a mental breakdown and taking lots of phonecalls (my personal hell). Is it queer? Not in the slightest.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10 for Hardy’s face being in almost every shot.

The Revenant (2015): Yeah, yeah, DeCaprio’s and Hardy’s characters are obsessed with each other, yeah it’s a man’s world where the only women are dead wife, kidnapped sexually assaulted native princess, or background whore, yeah, they fight each other and there’s a ton of grunting, but also… I just fucking don’t like this movie. The thin line where a storyline like this one becomes queer might be crossed for others, but not for me. Fuck these guys and their stupid bear fights.

Queer rating: 3 out of 10 for it being about dirty men in the middle of nowhere (but you could just watch Brokeback Mountain or The Lighthouse or God’s Own Country or any Mad Max, or, or, or…)

4. Queer? Queer. Queer? … Queer…

The plots, aesthetics and/or characters played by Tom Hardy lend themselves to a queer reading, even if there is no overt intention towards queerness. Often this is because of a deliberate lack of heterosexual and/or cisgender writing, which in this day and age is still pretty uncommon not to include within a plot.

Inception (2010): Okay, I don’t even need to write about the added “darling,” or the “go to sleep Mr Eames.” I don’t need to go on about the absolutely bonkers amount of fanfiction written for Eames and Arthur, based on a few minutes of film and a boatload of chemistry. It’s queer.

Queer Rating: 7 out of 10, because the actual plot of the film isn’t very queer, but between the Arthur/Eames dynamic and Elliot Page, Nolan was really given a gift he didn’t deserve.

Warrior (2011): Okay, so first off, this might be my favourite Tom Hardy film, at least some part of my brain is fixated on it at almost all times and I’m considering watching it for the third time in two weeks. I don’t only consider it queer based on Mr. Hardy’s character, although he has no romantic or sexual interest and could be read as aroace, but because of the themes, especially those surrounding said character, who is coded as a caregiver to women and through close emotional connections to men. It’s got possibly unintentional deconstructions of masculinity and two men (brothers) who need to forgive each other and can only do so through the catharsis of violence. It speaks to me as a transmasc with several cis brothers, struggling with my own masculinity. It’s not at all written for me, but I find myself all over it. I could talk about this movie forever.

Queer Rating: 8 out of 10. I’m not allowed to say any more or I’ll never stop writing about it. I love you Tommy…

The Drop (2014): Bob’s lack of sexual and/or romantic interest in Naomi is so strange to her that she doesn’t know what he would want from her otherwise. Bob really just wants to raise a dog with her (and also forgiveness for past sins). Bob is such a rare ace and possibly aro coded character, it really throws me every time I watch this film how obvious it is. Bonus points for also being autistic-coded and not in the stereotypical ways.

(Tom Hardy’s most challenging role: pretending he doesn’t know dogs)

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10 because it’s so fucking rare to see ace and aro coded characters that aren’t, you know…. serial killers. Also Tom Hardy adopts a puppy and has a very cute, kinda lispy voice. How often does Tom Hardy play softer men like this?

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015): Very deliberately no sexual or romantic writing included in Max’s and Furiosa’s relationship. Sure, there’s not a lot of time for that in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but it was also done with a purpose! “It was always going to be two warriors on par, starting off with very little respect for each other and ending up with a massive respect for each other.” - Charlize Theron. “So of course they meet, of course there’s a relationship, an unspoken understanding. A recognition.” - Tom Hardy.

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10. It’s not just the characters, but the world and it’s apocalyptic BDSM leather scene, the questions it asks about sustainability and about people as tools, and the found family. It’s about overcoming violence through multiple kinds of love. And it’s about watching a guy playing flame-thrower guitar. What could be queerer?

Venom (2018): Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same… No, but Eddie is queer. The only question is whether the sequel will acknowledge that aspect or not, but even if not. Even if it manages to straightly bypass the reality of a symbiotic relationship with a genderless? genderfluid? being from another world that is linked to you down to your very cells and understands you more intimately than any other person possibly could… even if all that: Eddie is queer. Venom and Eddie are in a relationship. Any relationship Eddie ever enters into will automatically become a thrupple. He makes out with Venom in the movie! Eddie is queer.

(aw yeah that tongue is going down his throat)

Queer Rating: 9.5 out of 10, because it’s still coded by the creators in the language of bromance (hey, bro, is it gay if we’re physically and emotionally closer than any other people on earth?), but the movie is so, so camp and Mr Hardy’s acting choices are beautiful – the screaming? The lispy soft voice and lack of taking up space? The lobster tank? The only people who don’t know how queer this is are the people making it apparently. Fingers crossed for that sequel!

Hon. mentions:

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002): Star Trek – even at it’s worst (especially at its worst?) – is camp af + Hardy is a straight-up baby in this film.

Bronson (2008): It’s about a real person who’s still alive, so I won’t comment on the actual man. However the film seems to code the character Bronson along an ace line and also has genderqueering Vaudeville. Someone let Tom Hardy do more of whatever was going on in those stage-bits.

(this right here: this the good shit)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011): Another ensemble piece not massively about Hardy’s character, but it’s a movie that centers around queerness in a strange, depressing way. Tom Hardy’s character isn’t queer. Colin Firth and Mark Strong are though. The book makes me cry.

Peaky Blinders (2013-): Because it’s a TV series I left it out. There’s a lot of straight nonsense going on there, but Alfie Solomens is gay. There’s nothing in the series that disputes that and plenty that lends itself to the reading.

Dunkirk (2017): Tom Hardy plays an RAF pilot in a deep emotional connection with the other main RAF pilot. That’s immediately gay. However he’s not in the movie much because of the way it’s constructed, so I left it off.

Queer Ratings (least to most)

No queer to be found here traveller:

This Means War: 2 out of 10 - illegal movie, Tom Hardy swore he wouldn’t do another rom-com after

Locke: 2 out of 10 - straight Welshman and his straight problems. He pretty though

Lawless: 3 out of 10 - cardigan-Hardy being a mother-hen, but very straight for all that

The Dark Knight Rises: 3 out of 10 - a superhero movie that doesn’t deserve Mr Hardy’s camp talents (unlike Venom)

The Revenant: 3 out of 10 - doesn’t give me what I want out of a movie full of dirty, bearded men

Queer but we deserve more:

Legend: 5 out of 10 - timid homosexuality, considering the source material.

RocknRolla: 6 out of 10 - hey bro, is it gay if we kill the only female lead in our massive ensemble cast

The queerest of Hardy’s:

Inception: 7 out of 10 - Elliot Page and JGL kissing was an all-around terrible choice that made no sense, we know the truth, Nolan

Warrior: 8 out of 10 - I’m still crying, Edgerton’s crying, Hardy’s crying, we’re all crying, and I think that’s really emotionally healthy and queer of us

Mad Max: Fury Road: 9 out of 10 - non-romantic love in the time of BDSM post-apocalyptic wastelands is something that can actually be so personal

The Drop: 9 out of 10 - “Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat them despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me!”

Venom: 9.5 out of 10 - Sometimes a relationship is an anxious reporter, the sentient goo inhabiting his body, his kinda-ex-girlfriend and her new doctor boyfriend, and I think that’s beautiful

#tom hardy #mad max: fury road #venom 2018 #inception #rocknrolla #warrior 2011 #legend 2015 #the drop 2014 #the revenant #the dark knight rises #lawless 2012 #locke #this means war

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monstersdownthepath · 3 years

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Spiritual Spotlight: Tanagaar the Aurulant Eye

Lawful Good Empyreal Lord of Night, Owls, and Watchfulness

Domains: Animal, Darkness, Good, Law Subdomains: Archon, Feather, Moon, Night

Chronicles of Righteousness, pg. 25

Obedience: Find and observe a mouse or rat from no more than 30 feet away. Continue watching the mouse, unseen, for 100 breaths. Catch the mouse and release it in an area where owls hunt. Benefit: Gain a +4 sacred bonus on saving throws against effects that would hinder your sight or hearing.

Oh my god

After all these years, after all this searching, we’ve finally found it. We’ve found an Obedience that justifies carrying around a Sack Of Rats! It’s a miracle!

Anyway, this Obedience is ironically somewhat difficult to perform if your DM is being a stickler about it. Note that you not only have to find a rat--which means if you’re using a Sack Of Rats, you have to release it and then relocate it--but you have to watch it while being unseen. While one may assume that “unseen” simply applies to the rodent in question, the linguistic gymnastics we tend to pull here at Monsters Down The Path LLC to cheese Obediences sometimes works against us, and in this case “unseen” may not simply apply to your prey, but anyone. If your DM applies this additional stipulation, I hope you’ve got a good Stealth mod! And a good excuse about your weird behavior.

While Tanagaar isn’t exactly an evil guy, he’s not especially well-known, and your weird prowling may get some raised eyebrows. The good news is that as a Lawful Good deity (and an Archon at that), the number of times you’re likely to be sent into Evil territory to subtly work among them is 0, reducing your chances of needing actual excuses about why you’re skulking around like a cat. If, for whatever reason, you want to keep your worship of the Aurulant Eye under wraps, simply being a catfolk, kobold, or goblin is a good enough excuse.

Next comes catching the vermin and releasing it in an area where owls hunt. Simple enough in almost any environment but a desolate stretch of empty desert, winter wasteland, or subterranean cavern, as owls are very widespread, to the point that this Obedience could simply say “release it into the wild.” The biggest problem is refreshing your rodent stock, an issue that goes largely unaddressed in other Sack Of Rats Obediences because those usually require the death of any small critter, and this one specifically requires rodents. Better take up rat catching as a hobby or frequent the local pet store, I guess!

The benefit is more amazing than it looks at first glance, because Monsters Down The Path LLC’s patented Linguistic Gymnastics is here to point out that any effect which could impair your sight or hearing is blocked, even if that effect is SECONDARY, such as against powerful spells like Sunburst or against afflictions like Blinding Disease. Having your senses stripped from you is always bad, even for a short time, but the fact this benefit applies to “any effect” that would “hinder” your sight or hearing means it works on everything from having dust blow in your eyes to an enemy’s Greater Shout, and it can potentially give you an edge against dozens or hundreds of other effects which tack on sensory abuse as a bonus effect, making it a fantastic bonus at all levels. It even applies to EVERY saving throw instead of just Fortitude!

Boons are gained slowly, typically achieved once you reach 12, 16, and 20 Hit Dice. Followers of the Empyreal Lords, however, can enter the Mystery Cultist Prestige Class at level 8, which grants them their Boons much quicker! Entered as early as possible, you gain the Boons at levels 10, 13, and 16 instead. Mystery Cultists MUST take the Celestial Obedience feat, NOT Deific Obedience.

Empyreal Lords do not grant the typical Evangelist/Exalted/Sentinel spread (and cannot enter those classes), instead having only one set of Boons granted to their followers regardless of their class.

Boon 1: Forest Dweller. Gain Calm Animals 3/day, Eagle Eye2/day, or Deeper Darkness 1/day.

Oh, interesting! Never seen Eagle Eye here before, and it’s actually a good spell! ... sort of. It creates a magical sensor above you, upwards to 400ft+40ft/lvl, from which you can see as though you were there and rotate your viewpoint around freely. It’s more or less to give one a birds-eye view of a battlefield, akin to someone playing an RTS with an over-the-field viewpoint to make commanding armies easier, though the birds-eye view is also very, very useful for spotting threats to a small group of people (such as the party) that they cannot see from the horizontal plane.

Also, needless to say, but having a safe way to see the surrounding terrain from several hundred feet above it can make navigating towards a destination or landmark much easier. With a 1 min/lvl duration and 2/day availability, you can be the party’s aerial lookout without ever actually leaving the ground and putting yourself in danger, and the sensor itself is invisible as well if you fear flying enemies. Eagle Eyes isn’t useful at all inside enclosed environments, and in fact cannot be used to spy into the floors above you unless you have line of effect, but if you want to peel inside, say, the Evil Wizard Tower without alerting them via the use of a familiar or similar, go crazy.

Calm Animals causes up to 2d4+CL HD worth of animals to become docile and harmless for its duration, but for it to actually work on a group of animals, they all must be roughly the same type (i.e. a pack of wolves) and cannot be further than 30ft apart. This isn’t really a problem, as using it on a bunch of angry animals usually means you’re hitting a pack of scavengers or predators you’ve angered, and its generous scaling means that it’ll be useful at all levels of the game whether you need to slow down a charging pack of raptors or just one big T. Rex--wait a T. Rex has how many hit dice? well, scratch that particular idea I guess. unless you get lucky with your 2d4 roll. Still useful. The big problem is that it’s completely useless against anything that’s not an Animal, and if an Animal suddenly receives the gift of sapience--even temporarily--the spell has no effect on them. That makes this spell useful for traveling through the wilds (or, rarely, stopping the charge of an enemy warhorse), but not for much else.

Which leaves Deeper Darkness, the spell which hammers your party just as hard as it does an enemy. Creating a 60ft sphere of absolute black can send chaos through the ranks of more or less any foe, because if the area was already low or dim light it becomes supernaturally pitch that not even darkvision can pierce it! Not even yours. Cutting off your party’s ability to see is just as crippling for them as it is your enemy, so be sure to have some method to actually take advantage of the shroud or you’ll end up swinging at empty air or, worse, swing at allies. While it’s good for making an escape, Obscuring Fog is way better, way cheaper, and doesn’t take away your magical flexibility.

Boon 2: Owl's Eye. You gain darkvision out to a range of 60 feet. If you already have darkvision, increase its range by an additional 60 feet.

Wow! Boring! But useful for more or less everyone, since not needing torches or a light source when skulking around in the dark or keeping night watch makes it less likely you’re spotted by some prowling predator or sadistic dungeon-dweller, but it’s noting spectacular or even particularly noteworthy. I appreciate that Tanagaar extends existing darkvision outwards, but it’s rare you’ll actually need more than 60 feet unless you’re actually adventuring in an open area after dark.

It’s a decent Boon, but it’s also insultingly easy to replicate with existing spells or cheap items (such as a Wand or Potion of Darkvision), making its impact a little hard to appreciate.

Boon 3: Hunter's Edge. You gain Sneak Attack +3d6. This increase to Sneak Attack damage stacks with Sneak Attack damage you may have from other sources. Whenever you deal Sneak Attack damage with a piercing weapon, you deal +2 points of damage per Sneak Attack die.

huh hey that’s pretty good

hey aren’t you supposed to be Lawful, Tanagaar? Not that I don’t appreciate a little bit of pragmatism among the forces of Good, but stabbing someone in the kidney from behind seems kinda underhanded, doesn’t it? Then again, so does summoning flocks of owls to gouge out enemy eyes or appearing before them as a terrifying phantasm to gently coerce them into surrender. Even Law knows when it needs to fight dirty, I suppose.

Not that you HAVE to, mind; with how easy it is to set up a Sneak Attack (you literally just have to be flanking), you don’t have to be particularly sneaky. Just standing across from an ally and stabbing someone in the throat when they turn away from a brief second deals +3d6 damage to them, which is already good before you take into account that, actually, it’s 3d6+6 because Tanagaar superdupercharges your Sneak Attacks with +2 damage per die! Even NOT having SA to begin with is still adding a flat +6 damage to your attacks that stacks with all your other damage modifiers, but having SA available beforehand--such as by being a Rogue, a Ninja, a Slayer, or one of the rare archetypes to hand it out--is especially viable because Hunter’s Edge stacks with ALL other sources. Have +5d6 from your class already? Now it’s 8d6+16 damage.

It’s even tastier if used on a ranged weapon, but make no mistake, it’s still pretty damn nice just at its base regardless of your build... unless you’re a Mystery Cultist, which is aimed mostly at casting and doesn’t get anything particularly martial-aligned until later levels. Classing into Mystery Cultist also means that your Sneak Attack is unlikely to be at all impressive (you may reach 6d6, but certainly not the impressive 8d6 I proposed), but the only other option is waiting for this ability to kick in at level 20, which is simply unacceptable. Aside from that, the only real problem I have with this ability is that it specifically works with piercing weapons... and since Tanagaar’s holy weapon is the kukri, you actually miss this Boon entirely if you stick only to his weapon of choice, and your god actively discouraging you from using any of their sacred aspects isn’t a good look for anyone!

You can read more about him here.

#Spiritual Spotlight #Saintly Spotlight #Pathfinder #Dungeons and Dragons

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alienisticxo · 3 years

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X Angel - (Elon Musk x Reader) Chapter One

Hi there! I’m Dream and I’m new to posting fanfiction to Tumblr. I’ve currently been pining away for Elon Musk (why am I so strange?!) and this odd little story has been trapped in my head for a little while. I’m only posting this little prelude excerpt, so if anyone out there wants me to continue it, let me know or I won’t post the rest otherwise. This is also very obviously inspired by Cyberpunk a bit as well, and it's a super mega alternate universe kind of sci-fi story. Also a reader-insert / first person POV. (So really just wow a whole mess).

If you do happen to decide to read the shit that spews from my imagination, I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: None... yet.

Saturn’s effervescent rings hung like a million tiny, shimmering diamonds in the atmosphere behind a sprawling city skyline. Neon buzzed along the metallic buildings, bright hues of hot pink and electric blue casting an endless glow of variant shades against the night air and all who inhabited the city beneath the lights. Planet X was fairly new in the grand scheme of things, discovered by NASA years before they publicly announced it. During the lengthy stretch of time between their findings and the grand announcement, they focused purely on colonization. While the entire planet had not yet been inhabited, the metropolis they built from the atmosphere down and then the ground up quickly became a booming, cyberpunk inspired dream by 2024. The planet itself was as large as Earth, or maybe small, depending on who you asked, and if you were lucky enough to step foot on the new ground for yourself, you had it all.

See, things had changed back on Earth. So much so, it was now only a nostalgic destination to those who were forced to return to its remnants for some form of business, or a vast, broken society far beyond how it had already been to those who could never escape.

The unfortunate part was that not many were able to escape compared to Earth’s population.

As cautioned for years, mother nature began to reclaim the land with no help from her careless inhabitants. Natural disasters and technological meltdowns were imminent— with much thanks to the major technology boom that took artificial intelligence from labs and computers and introduced it into the human population. Earth was now akin to a desolate wasteland save for any major cities which had already been crumbling long before the final blow. People woke up everyday just to survive until they didn’t anymore. They had nothing much to hold on to but the dream of seeing Planet X for themselves, and not just in news casts or online. Earth was stuck in what very quickly became the past to those who no longer inhabited it. People who were billionaires and celebrities still remained, most of them boasting that it was by choice in some form of protest against giving up on the land.

Everyone was left with their own ruins, but life continued in such a declining state, whether they wished it would or not.

Planet X, however, otherwise known as just X, was now the hot new place to be. While most everyday humans still remained on Earth, the elite, the fortuitous, and freshly built A.I. lifeforms lived there. Despite the glitz and glamor of the main circles that people dreamt of belonging to in the main metropolis, the rest of the planet was a far cry from established. Those who were able to make it by the skin of their teeth, but not of the wealthy or powerful, ruled the rest of the newly conquered world. Gangs were prevalent and cryptocurrency exchanged hands that it shouldn’t for things no one spoke of. The outskirts of major cities were riddled with crime and people who held a passionate disdain for the corruption the higher-ups of X indulged in like candy.

A.I. creations ran rampant, cybernetic figureheads graced holographic magazine covers and television screens. Man made pop stars and film icons required little to no attention to keep happy, but were programmed to want it all in order to keep the public inspired and working for the coin, just as your average Hollywood celebrity might. Because of this, they were showered with luxuries and opportunities that made the lower class outliers sick to their stomachs, thus causing them to vow to bring down the hierarchy if it was the last thing they did. The individuals that couldn’t stand these cybernetic beings' lack of empathy for humanity fought against them, and in turn, the big-wigs played dirty to see that things worked in their favor at every turn.

In this grand metropolis of Drax City, where I also lived, the famous and infamous alike resided like royalty beyond comprehension, crypto that ‘normal people’ could never afford being passed around like penny candy in order to meet the petty whims that kept the A.I. stars working and hungry for more. There were truly no consequences to denying them, but they gave it up all the same. You see, humans didn’t become famous on X once executives realized how much easier it was to work with artificial intelligence. If you had a dream on Earth, and managed to find yourself in this new world to make it happen, you ended up tossing it into the fire with everyone else who’d made the venture before you. If a human was lucky enough, they worked for the stars. But they’d never become one.

Humans were simply too demanding and extremely disposable.

However, there were still average people of sorts, both cybernetic and human. They filled in the gaps in between. They held jobs and went to school, they owned shops and were complacent with their lower class lives. Most were just thankful to be away from Earth and the ruin it’d become outside of its own major cities, where people in power that stayed behind in an effort to figure out some last ditch plan to reverse the mess they’d made of the planet still roamed like infamous gods. Despised by the lower class; adored by the ones who felt they could still salvage the only home they knew.

Still, they tried their best on Earth. The entertainment business and corporations were still up and running, new celebrities were being ‘discovered’ every day on the streets in hopes of one or two truly catching fire enough to bring up the revenue of whoever’s contract they ‘signed.’ Earth was running out of options once they banned the use of A.I. the best they could. It was still very prevalent in some areas that could no longer be controlled, but they’d set themselves back decades in comparison to X by doing so.

But as the saying goes, the show must go on and money must be made. Regardless of how life had so drastically changed for everyone between the two planets, super stars were still the quickest way to influence the weak and naive minded. Executives and CEO’s knew that all too well.

And so, “eat the rich” was spray painted onto every alley wall, and thieves and hit men were prevalent; sneaking around corners, smiling from grungy doorways on the more dangerous streets around Drax City. Planet X and the beautifully sickening metropolis in it was plucked straight from a movie scene and plopped into the middle of the galaxy in all regards.

But that was the beauty of X.

I thanked the stars every single night that I was one of the lucky ones.

#elon musk #fanfiction #elon musk x reader #spacex #elon musk fanfiction #elon musk imagines #tesla #fanfic #fanfic writer #elon musk fanfic #cyberpunk #cybernetic #x angel #darklydreamingxo #space

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thats-how-i-role · 3 years

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😱😱 I’m confident today?? Wow, progress

The sun was hot on Jem’s back as they road through the deserted streets of what was once a lively, and populated area. Their motorcycle engine revved beneath them as they scouted ahead for any enemies that may decide to ambush their crew. Thorne, Jem’s tall, dark skinned, but bleached haired partner was driving a massive moving truck behind them. And protecting Thorne from the rear was Lillian, a girl with olive skin a dark blonde hair. She also rode a bike, with her German Shepard, Clint in the sidecar. Completed look with goggles to protect Clint’s eyes.

Jem, with a sniper rifle hoisted on their shoulder and a back up pair of binoculars in their pocket, began leading their group towards the docks. Where Alveyn, the scamp but good friend of Jem’s, was waiting on his ship with the next load of cargo. He was hanging from a rope, scoping out beyond the ship.

Once Jem’s group pulled to a stop, Alveyn’s crew began taking the weapons that Jem’s group had crafted. And as the weapons came off, clothing, blankets, wood and other tools to build shelter were loaded on.

Jem had just barely been able to switch their motorcycle helmet to their aviator glasses before Alveyn pulled them in for a tight embrace. Jem returned the affections tenfold, as Alveyn did a little waddle with Jem still in their arms.

“Miss me?” Alveyn quipped, his signature cocky grin gracing his face.

Jem shrugged, finally being put down on the ground. “Not really, figured if you did something stupid and got yourself killed then your angel would’ve contacted me by now.”

“Not even a little bit?” He taunted, preparing for tickle attack. Jem kept one strong hand on Alveyn’s chest, protecting themselves.

“If I say yes will you keep your hands to yourself?”

Alveyn nodded hesitantly, “For now, we’ll see how the day goes.”

Jem shoved him lightly, “I guess that’s as good as I’m gonna get. So fine, I missed you a little bit. Now, what’d you bring me?”

Alveyn, in a poor impression of an Australian accent said, “Crikey Jem, I brought you quite the haul. Australia is more of a barren wasteland than we thought. But at least they kept their supplies in order from pre-times.”

“Could you stop?” Jem asked, exasperated but silently enjoying his playfulness.

Continuing in the accent he said, “Now why would I do that? That island changed me Jemon Morale, for the better.”

Jem rolled their eyes, fighting their smile. “Well, next time go to Ireland. Maybe get a sexier accent in the meantime.”

The two bantered back and forth, as well as getting their business in order. Making sure each side was getting a fair trade. About an hour later, Jem was off to get back home. Still keeping an eye out for demons, angels or anyone else that may feel the need to get greedy.

Jem barely relaxed until they reached the middle of the city, where the rest of their Battalion was waiting. As smoothly, and quickly as possible, they got to work. Unloading their loot and bringing it down the stairs into the abandoned subway. A few imps and other lesser demons showed up but were quickly dispatched.

About half way through the load Elgar, Jem’s short, tawny haired friend, came up for the first time today. Which was unusual within itself, but nobody seemed the wiser. Both Jem and Elgar picked up small boxes of lanterns and began carrying them down in silence.

That was, until they both were far enough away from people so they wouldn’t hear Elgar say, “You have a guest in your room.”

Jem perked up, knowing immediately who Elgar was referring to. Jem’s dirty little secret.

They nodded, passing their box over to Elgar and immediately made their way over to their room. It was a make shift bedroom, but had direct access to the subway rails and platforms. It was once the employee break room, with a kitchen counter and cupboards on one side. Jem let the others take the furniture once Jem had gotten a mattress from one of the other leaders in the area, Romy. It was only a mattress, with a sheet, a blanket and a flat pillow. Jem had a crate as a kitchen table and two barrels as chairs for typically Elgar on the nights where the isolation became unbearable. The entire room was lit up by candlelight, the candles laid haphazardly across all flat surfaces, including the floor.

It wasn’t much, but it was a lot more than others had, and it was as close to home as Jem has ever had. Especially when the angel known as Lewellyn came to visit.

Now, Jem couldn’t make sense of their feelings towards the mysterious entity that made them feel... something. Curiosity? Yes. Warmth? Definitely. Love? Who really knows. After all, Jem considered love as a luxury in this world.

They approached their bedroom, double checking that they weren’t followed, for they didn’t know how their battalion would react to other supernatural creatures. Once Jem was sure the coast was clear, they entered but didn’t find who they were expecting. Perched on their bed was a tall, pale man. He had shaggy, platinum blonde hair. He was lean, but fair skinned and pale green eyes. He had blood and bruises covering his body, and white feathers protruding from his clothes.

Jem reached for the machete just inside the door saying, “I will only ask this once, who the hell are you?”

“Jem.” A voice they did recognize spoke up. Walking from what was once a commonly used bathroom was Lewellyn. She had a bucket and a cloth in hand. “Do not be afraid.”

Jem sighed in relief, “Lew, you scared the shit out of me. And I ask again, going against my own word, who the fuck is this?”

Lew sat down next to Laufi, cleaning the blood off of him. “He’s my friend since before the fall. Meet Laufi, Laufi this is Jem.”

Laufi nodded shyly, as yet another creature exited from the bathroom. This woman was tall, with dark skin. She had short, black hair with a blue tint to it. She wore a neutral expression but it was kind nonetheless.

“And this is Mercy.” Lewellyn added. The one known as Mercy sat on the other side of Laufi, and helped to clean his wounds as well.

Mercy eyed Jem and stated plainly, “You didn’t mention this brave leader of yours was a half-breed.”

“They’re plenty more than that.” Lewellyn assured, speaking about Jem as if they weren’t even there. “Although I wish they didn’t act as if their lineage was something to be ashamed of.”

“I don’t see any malformations.” Laufi added, his voice slightly hoarse.

Lewellyn nodded, “It’s their eyes. Gorgeous as they are, they share the look of Kalliope.”

“The demon of wrath?” Mercy gaped, but continued her work. “And they’re supposed to be a fair and just leader.”

Jem cleared their throat impatiently, “Lew, why the hell is there a gaggle of angels in my room?”

Lewellyn left Laufi’s side, approaching Jem for reassurance. “Laufi was injured when we fought off some greater demons earlier today. We were closer to here than Romy’s and I felt as if I had no other choice.”

“You know how my Battalion feels about creatures like you.” Jem argued, attempting to keep their temper down. “Not only is this putting you in danger, but if they were to find out, my group would lose all trust in me.”

Lewellyn shook her head, removing Jem’s glasses to make sure they were looking in her eyes as she said, “If I thought that was a possibility then I wouldn’t have done it. But I know because-“

“Because you read my stars. I know, I get it. Doesn’t make my life easier. As soon as you get cleaned up, you have to go.”

Lewellyn huffed in frustration, “I don’t ask for favours often Jem. Please, he needs help. You’ve given it to people far less deserving.”

Shit, does she know about-

Jem takes a moment to consider, before ultimately shaking their head once more. “No, I can’t put my people in danger. I refuse.”

“Jemon.” Lew snapped, trying to intimidate them.

“Lewellyn.” Jem shot back, staring her dead in the eyes.

After a moment of tense silence, a cheerful, “Laufi,” Came from Laufi himself.

Looking back at him, Jem stared into Laufi’s eyes and caved practically instantly. “Fine, he can stay. But Lew, your puppy, you clean up the mess.”

Lew grabbed Jem’s wrist gently, pulling them close into a brief hug. “Thank you.”

“Don’t do that.” Jem groaned, but returned the hug nonetheless. “You’re making me soft, and that’s not allowed.”

Mercy stared back and forth between Lew and Jem with an amused smirk on her face, but didn’t say anything. The two parted and Lew went back to Laufi’s side. Jem awkwardly shuffled back and forth on their feet before speaking.

“I’m gonna go back and help everyone finish unloading. We’ll have some spare blankets for you Laufi so you can rest up.” Jem nodded, and Laufi gave them a soft smile.

“Thanks Jem, really.” Laufi stretched his shoulders, and winced in pain.

Jem left their room, making sure to close the door behind them. They made their way back towards the entrance, but made a small detour towards the tunnels. Still making sure they weren’t spotted, Jem found another fugitive they were hiding in the underground. The being was resting in a small maintenance area deep in the tunnels.

The small demon was hunched over, buried in blankets. Her short, black hair sticking up at all ends. Her amber eyes glowed in the dark, as she laughed at Jem. “If you thought I didn’t notice the chicken wings entering your room earlier, you are sorely mistaken.”

“Aerilyn,” Jem began to apologize but was interrupted.

“You don’t think this is actually going to work out, do you?” Aerilyn snarled. “You’re playing all sides here. Humans, demons and now angels. How do you think this is gonna end?”

Jem breathed, pinching the bridge of their nose, “I know there is a peaceful solution here.”

Aerilyn let out a loud, humourless laugh. “Please Jem, spare me the fairy tale. Let’s face it,” she grinned devilishly, her eyes glowing slightly more, “you’re gonna end up ripped apart from every limb. And the streets are going to be painted with blood, and there won’t be a single soul left to blame.”

#my ocs #Jem #Aerilyn #Alveyn #Lewellyn #Romy #Laufi #mercy #campaign 1 #my art #friend ocs #my writing #au week

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saladejin · 4 years

Text

Solace (M) | 01

4-part Jimin x Reader | fantasy au, school au, magic user!Jimin | Fluff, angst (basically unresolved), smut with some plot

Summary: Why not spice up your high school life with a teleporting boy of your very own? You find yourself not having a choice in the matter.

While he figures out how to fix his mistakes, strap yourself in for an adventure to remember…

Warnings: Kat’s early ass writing, nothing smutty in the first chapter (bear with me, it gets there lol).

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 2.7k - first chapter

A/N: Okay, okay. As much as I wanted to edit the absolute shit out of this, and make it 10x better, I stopped myself. This was one of the first smut pieces I ever wrote, and it’s quite old, but I really wanted to have some of my older/first-time writing on the blog so that I could have something to look back on and - better yet - improve from!

I want to look back on it and just think ‘wow, this is absolute trash’, but in a good way. Ya know?

I apologise in advance, yet at the same time I’m hoping some of you out there might find some enjoyment :)

»»————- << masterlist | next >> ————-««

If someone had asked you if you believed in magic a year ago, you would have answered ‘no’ without batting an eyelid. It was simply illogical and plain wrong on so many levels to think greater forces out there actually existed.

Children’s storybooks, fairy-tales, and fictional novels were already out there appealing to the fantasy-ridden minds of the human race, to name a few. So nope, you would never allow yourself to foolishly believe in such silly myths.

Or so you thought.

Reader’s POV - 2nd Person

“As you can see, this historical movement meant…”

You sighed. Over time, drowning out your teacher’s monotonous voice had become much too easy for your liking. You listened to the whispers and soft giggles of your classmates as they all mucked around and paid little to no attention to the lesson taking place.

The year is only halfway done. Should I consider transferring schools?

This place had taught you nothing for the five years you had been here. High school was something that was originally meant to be an ocean of opportunities waiting to be discovered, but now it seemed like a mere wasteland holding no promise for the future; well for your future anyway.

“Does anyone have any questions?” Your teacher droned, looking at everyone over the rim of his glasses as if daring someone to waste his precious time.

Yeah, what’s the point of being here?

You tapped your pencil absent-mindedly against the lined paper in front of you.

“(Y/n),” Your class friend whispered to you from the seat beside yours. You raised an eyebrow at her with a bored eye roll as she pursed her lips guiltily and glanced at your tapping pencil.

“Do you know what he’s been talking about for the last half hour?”

You almost laughed. “Does anyone?” came the scoff from your lips almost instantly. Your friend stifled her smile with one hand so she didn’t draw any unwanted attention to the two of you.

“You’re right, but I also want to pass this exam coming up. How are we meant to do well here?” She asked with a light growl edging her tone. You could only shrug in response, because the answer was also lost on you and had been for as long as you could remember.

“Tell you what, we should get everyone together and come up with a plan to get him fired,” Your eyes lit up, hands suddenly clasping together as the brilliant idea blurted from your mouth. Your friend looked like she was about to whoop for joy and agree with you, but an obnoxious voice cut her off rudely.

“Miss (Y/n), do you have something to share?” The teacher wore his stern expression, eyes flashing with irritation as he stared you down with menace. You felt the anger burning hotter and hotter the more you looked at his punchable face.

Oh, I’m about to tell you exactly what we were talking about you piece of shit.

You were about to stand up and lay it on him, but something interrupted your outburst. Your classmates shifted their attention from you to the strangely flickering lights on the ceiling. Everyone fell silent as the excitement from seeing their teacher get sassed died down, the atmosphere was eerie as the room suddenly became very chillingly cold.

“Who’s playing a prank? Show yourselves before you get punished even worse,” The teacher shouted into the stagnant air. Nobody answered to him or his threat.

“What’s going on? Is it that kid from the other class messing with us again?” Your friend clicked her tongue while gradually moving to cling onto your arm. You barely felt her touch due to the intense amount of goosebumps travelling along your exposed skin. Students begun to question things loudly and the nerves shook their voices as the weird power outages continued.

“It’s probably just the building’s power. Can we get help from the office?” One boy asked your scowling teacher after a few minutes.

“Yes, that’s probably a good idea,” The bald man shook his head and finally walked towards the closed door of the classroom to check for any tricksters.

Before the boy or anyone else could make a move to get help, the flickering stopped and the temperature seemed to return to normal. Everyone exchanged confused glances until the weirdest spectacle of all occurred right near the teacher’s desk.

A body appeared from literal thin air and landed heavily on the carpet below. There was a muffled groan from the figure and the room filled with gasps and shouts of alarm as the person sat up straighter. It was definitely male, seemingly Asian and probably the same age as you. You blinked your eyes rapidly as you tried to comprehend what had just happened.

“You! Were you playing this prank?” Your teacher screeched as he turned around. He hadn’t seen what had happened, but had heard everyone’s shock and responded immediately.

You watched in amazement as the randomly appearing boy lifted his head and furrowed his brows in confusion. When you looked closer, you could see his chocolate brown eyes gleaming with fear.

He knows just as much as we do…how did this happen?

You being the courageous person you were, got to your feet and stepped around the table tentatively. You didn’t want to approach him just yet because you didn’t know if he was dangerous. Your teacher continued to yell at the boy as you drank in his beautiful night-black hair and perfectly even complexion. You realised just how attractive this person was, but those thoughts had to be swept aside as you recognised the pure terror flooding his gaze.

“I don’t know what’s happening! Please help me, I don’t know where I am,” The boy finally spoke. Well, he spoke, but in flawlessly fluent Korean…

What the-

Your classmates threw even more concerned glances at one another while your teacher just stood still, fully stunned. They hadn’t understood a single word, but you had.

“(Y/n) sit back down, he could hurt you!” Your friend hissed, and you jumped when she grasped at the bottom of your school dress to bring you backwards. The movement caused the strange but beautiful boy to whip his head around in your direction. He was only wearing a casual white t-shirt and loose grey pants with no shoes, but everything looked a little dirtied. How exactly had he appeared here of all places? By what method?

“Hello,” You murmured shakily in his language and squatted down to seem less threatening. You had to muster up what scraps of Korean you knew, as you were known to be the language-centric person of your year level. It was one of your favourite things to do, learn languages, but you never thought it would come in handy for a situation such as this.

“Hello? Do you know Korean?” The boy breathed in a sudden gush of hope and relief. You could’ve sworn tears were pricking at the corners of his eyes, but you weren’t judging because he seemed so lost and scared. You stood up again as he hurriedly got to his feet, his hands trembling and gaze darting around the room from one student to the next.

“I’m calling the principal, we need to figure out what is going on!” Your teacher spluttered before racing from the room, a few pieces of paper from his desk fluttered to the ground as the air rushed past. A few students followed the teacher, and their gazes were terrified from the weird events. You tried to breathe deeply.

“H-how did this happen? I want to be home, argh why did I try that fucking spell?!” The boy cried angrily as he stumbled until his back hit the classroom wall. He buried his fingers painfully deep into his hair and keeled over. You raised your hands, not knowing what to do or how to act. You wanted to help him, but was that okay? Should you even be going near something so strange and unpredictable?

“(Y/n) do you know that language? Maybe you should say something else?” Your friend whimpered from behind you. She had gathered nearby with the other remaining students whose curiosity had gotten the best of them. You felt the overwhelming pressure envelop you whole as your eyes trailed from the group of familiar faces to the frustrated boy.

I have to help him. It’s not something evil, I can tell.

He looked so out of place here, you could see he didn’t have a single clue about what had happened. You carefully moved towards him while ignoring the loud warnings of your friends behind you. You had to know what was happening, and you had to make sure he was okay.

“Um, hello. Who are you?” You asked in Korean, standing in front of him but not too close. You could be as brave as you wanted, but you didn’t want to die just yet.

The boy looked up, his red-rimmed and puffy eyes were the only evidence left of his overpowering emotions. Now he just looked empty with disbelief and shaky with apprehension.

“I’m Park Jimin, just Jimin I guess,” He answered, voice broken and cracking. He seemed weary and emotionally exhausted after all the disorder. You felt seriously bad for him, but still didn’t know how to approach the situation. The only reason all of the responsibility dumped itself onto you was because of your particular skill with language.

“You? What’s your name?” He asked unexpectedly. You looked up from the ground with raised eyebrows, shocked to see that he had taken a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He even managed to smile for a solid second before his full lips pulled into a frown once more.

“Uh, (Y/n). I’m (Y/n), and this is my school,” You tried to explain with your musty skills. He seemed vaguely amused with you, but the humour was lost underneath his crushing anxiety and fear of the unknown. You caught the way he observed you as if he had just seen you for the first time. You could only hope your hair wasn’t too messy.

“This is (Y/c), but how did you get here?” You questioned while using one pointed finger to emphasise what you were asking. He started to explain something quickly, but you only managed to translate a few of the words in your head. He was growing agitated fast, and you regretted asking immediately.

“Hey, hey! Calm down Jimin,” You soothed to the best of your ability, reaching out to touch him but jerking your hands back when you thought about what you were doing. You took one step backwards and sighed, wishing this had never happened.

“Sorry,” He apologised softly.

Before you could protest, your teacher burst into the room with the principal hot on his heels. A few other members of the school’s authority followed, and you winced when you thought about how scary and intimidating the whole thing looked. You turned around just in time to see Jimin’s eyes flashing with more fear.

“It’s okay, they’re okay. They’re teachers, they’ll help you,” You comforted and actually brought one hand up to touch his shoulder. The contact was brief but it seemed to ease some of his worries. He flashed you such an immensely grateful look that your mind short-circuited suddenly. He was really, really handsome.

“Please come here,” Your principal commanded, and to your surprise Jimin looked like he understood to an extent. He pushed off the wall to obey, but looked back as if asking for you to come with him, to be his solace through this hell.

“Do you need someone to help translate and everything?” You piped up hopefully, but you completely expected to be met with the cold hardened stares of the teachers and principal.

“No, we’ll be fine,” The principal assured with a clipped tone, eyeing Jimin as if he were a dirty rag on the side of the street. You clenched your teeth in anger as the party of teachers left with the boy in tow. He saw your frustrated and guilty expression, but only flashed you an understanding smile before leaving the room.

He seems so kind-hearted, I wish he would be treated better. I hope he figures out his shit.

You felt upset, but didn’t know why since you had literally barely met the guy. In all honesty, you should still be scared of him just like everyone else was, but you just weren’t.

“Girl, are you okay? At least that weird person didn’t attack you,” Your friend shook her head in disbelief. The other students dispersed back to their seats and you only noticed then that the rest had returned when the teachers had arrived. Everyone was back and chatting about the strange happening animatedly.

“He wouldn’t. Didn’t you see him? He seemed so afraid, but he was kind,” You argued. You felt angry that nobody seemed to be feeling sorry for Jimin. He was the one that deserved to be scared, not any of you or the teachers.

“I don’t know how you got all that from the small conversation you had, but I guess whatever you say,” Your friend shrugged.

As things seemed to return to normal, you couldn’t push your concerns for the boy out of your mind. Was he okay? What if those cold-hearted teachers shipped him away somewhere just because he couldn’t properly explain how he’d appeared? He could quite easily be sent to the police, or eventually a random orphanage.

“Are you still thinking about him? I’ll admit he was pretty handsome, but that was way too weird! I mean didn’t he just randomly appear in this room?” Your friend grunted, her tone raising as she tried to convince you to think of something else.

“I don’t know!” You widened your eyes, feeling slightly irritated that you couldn’t know absolutely everything, yet you were still expected to. Maybe coming from a family of lawyers did that to you.

Everyone fell silent again and you jerked your head towards the door impatiently. The teachers filtered back in with Jimin, but you blinked firmly when you saw that the boy was dressed in the uniform of your school. His hair was a little neater than when he had appeared, and his eyes were now crinkling along with the striking smile he wore.

“Everyone, please welcome Jimin Park to your class. I’m sure you will all treat this new transfer student with care,” The principal eyed everyone pointedly, just as she usually did, but you sat further backwards in your chair in bewilderment.

“Why-”

“I’m glad to meet you…all. I am (Y/n)’s family friend,” Jimin cut you off and spoke with a broken accent, which in all honesty you and many others found to be adorable.

Wait, my family friend?

You widened your eyes and brought your brows together in sheer confusion. Did you just hear that right? You were about to open your mouth to question him when he flashed you a knowing look. It was a warning, a warning to keep your mouth shut.

“I’m…not good at English. I will try my best, thank you,” He finished and instinctively tried to bow, soon straightening as he remembered he wasn’t in Korea anymore.

“Oh, so this is the dad’s friend’s son you always talk about. Wow, he’s handsome!” Your friend whispered to you with a tiny giggle. You looked at her in shock, mouth hanging slightly open as you tried to grasp what was happening.

The principal left as Jimin moved forward to take the empty seat right next to you. You threw him a glare that demanded an explanation, but you knew it would need to wait for later because your asshole of a teacher was about to start class again.

“Sorry, when we get home I will talk,” Jimin muttered in Korean, leaning towards you so that no-one would overhear. Not that it would matter since you were the only one who could possibly understand him anyway.

“Um, ‘we’? I don’t remember my home being yours too,” You choked out, not even caring if he understood or not.

To sum it up, a random boy had landed in your classroom, caused the whole class and its teacher to freak out, and had then proceeded to alter everyone’s memories somehow.

You were in for one hell of a ride.

#bts au #jimin x reader #jimin fanfic #jimin smut #jimin au #bts scenarios #jimin scenarios #jimin angst #jimin fluff #magic park jimin #salade-tb #solace

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dragonrajafanfiction · 4 years

Text

Dragon Dancer IV: Goodbye, Tokyo

I stood behind Zihang’s chair, running a lock of his dark hair through with a comb, spreading the shiny strands in my fingers, and then, taking a pair of shears, snipped the ends into a straight line.

Chu Zihang sat quiet and still. Were it not for his coal black eyes, wide like an elk’s, I would have thought he was just the same as always.

Meanwhile, Lu Mingfei examined himself in the mirror turning his head back and forth examining my work.. “Not bad, Meix- er... Fengchu.”

I glanced at him with a small smile. “Thanks. I had a lot of practice.”

There were large and small boxes all over the floor. Some boxes contained light and heavy weapons, some boxes contained medicines and clothing for all seasons. Others contained compressed food, enough for the four of us to live in a wasteland.

Two boxes were just for supplies for Ru’Yi including diapers of different sizes, reusable cloth ones.

It didn’t feel like fleeing, but like moving.

I walked around Chu Zihang to work on the bangs over his eyes. It was his usual haircut. Of course, he didn’t know that.

“Wow, what a handsome style this is turning out to be....” Nono rubbed her chin.

“He’s handsome in any style.” I said.

Zihang glanced down, his cheeks turning a little pink.

“All the girls should chase him, but he has no one even in high school?” Nono asked suspiciously.

I was grateful for that, of course, but I bit my tongue and stepped away. “What do you think?”

“I like it.” He said in an almost inaudible mumble.

Lu Mingfei was watching us, his eyes distant. Who knew what he was thinking?But I could guess.

Erii. Did she cut his hair like this? I looked up but he turned away before I could say anything and pulled a cap on his head.

I opened my mouth to say something.

“I’ll be back later.” He said, picking up Chu Zihang’s backpack.

“What are you doing with his pack?” Nono asked.

“I have some...shopping... we still lack a detailed map and I won’t be using Fingel’s navigation until we can make sure he is not being tracked. There’s a bookstore nearby.”

“Cold-hearted! I would rather toss myself in the nearest toilet than betray you but you still distrust me!” came the voice of Fingel from his pocket.

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I went back to my room, planning to go to bed early, after feeding Ru’Yi well. This might be the last time we could sleep together in comfort like this. I looked down at Ru’Yi’s dark eyes. They were heavy with fatigue but she stayed awake. I wondered if she would grow up on the run. I thought to myself that maybe I could find a place for us to hide for a while. I’d change my name and then one day, I would tell her the truth about everything that happened around her birth.

How just like the Christ, she’d been attacked as a young child and we had to flee. And a handsome young man from the East came bearing her gifts.

She fell asleep quickly and I swaddled her and set her on a folded blanket on the floor.

A knock sounded at the door. I grabbed Tongzi and walked up to the foyer. “Who is it?” I called.

“It’s Saeki-kun!”

I frowned. “Who is Saeki-kun? I don’t know that name.”

I heard a loud sigh. “It’s Crow. I don’t want to be called that you know.”

I cracked the door, eying him in suspicion, not undoing the chain.

He looked at me with a hurt expression. “Really, all this and you come at me with a sword?”

Belatedly, I put the sword out of sight. “Don’t feel bad. I don’t really trust anyone any more. I know you say you’re watching your back but if I don’t watch mine, who’s going to watch it?”

He gave me a crooked smile. “I get it. Well, I won’t waste your time. I’m here to tell you about our escape plans. I’ve prepared ship for you. It’s a cargo ship, typically transports trash, but it also trades in black market goods and illegal immigrants.”

“A boat?” My eyes narrowed. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve made sure that captain understands the importance of getting you to your destination... by taking his whole family hostage.” His voice lowered and his smile disappeared.

I licked my lips. “Wow.”

“Convinced yet?”

“Ninety percent...”

“What?! What do I have to do?” He pushed back his bangs.

“Hey! It’s just you that saying you kidnapped his family. You have no evidence of it!”

“Why would I have evidence of a crime!” He hissed at me.

“Okay, in case of emergency how do we get off?”

“Huh?” He blinked.

“If things go south, how do we get off the ship!” My eyes narrowed. “I’ll feel better if I feel like I can escape in case something goes wrong.”

“Every ship has life boats...”

“You didn’t think of a plan B for the ship?!”

“I did but I can’t tell you. Trust me. I have a plan for the Executive bureau....”

“I don’t trust anyone any more!” My voice was starting to shake. “Crow, you tell me there’s a way off or I’m going to assume this is a death trap!”

He slammed his palm against door post and snarled into my face. “I love Ru’Yi.”

I shrank away and he lowered his head.

“Look. Nothing is one hundred percent. I’m doing everything I can here. If I could... I’d go with you.”

“Why don’t you?” I asked the question sharply. If the ship was good enough for us, it should be good enough for him, right?

He looked up at me, hurt radiating from his eyes. I forced myself to meet them, not willing to budge an inch on this.

“Because my father... he’s getting old. His mind is going. He can’t make his appointments if I don’t remind him. If I get sent to the isles, Hydra will break me out, and take care of him, but if I go with you? He might be at risk.”

I hesitated a moment to let go of my suspicions but then I relented, nodding my head. “Thank you... for everything.”

“Nah...” He waved me away. “If I could do it all over again, I’d do a better job. This is one last chance for me to get it all right. Lancelot knows you want to escape Japan so he’s monitoring all the ports. But this smuggling ship won’t go to a normal port.”

“Okay.” I whispered.

He smiled at me, his eyes soft. “Is there anything else you need?”

I thought a moment and shook my head.

“Then be ready to go. 2 am sharp.”

The pier was far away from the harbor area familiar to most people. There were no commercial buildings, only the endless rocky beach and the black undulating sea. The gray concrete pillars extended one by one toward the depths of the water, an unfinished trestle bridge for unloading cargo.

Only cargo ships were loaded and unloaded here and usually they transported high-value commodities. Looking out, rusty containers were piled around the wharf. The air was filled with a slight metallic smell.

My eyes were wide, searching for any signs that we were being followed or watched. It had been a long time since I had been in the open like this. Ru’Yi slept against my back, bundled in a tight wrap. The wrap also held Spiderfang and Tongzi at my side.

I looked at Nono and she too stayed vigilant.

Crow, however, calmly leaned on his red sports car, waiting and humming a tune.

“What are you singing?”

“The dock is my father’s fishing pole, my brother and I are standing at the two ends of the pole.” Lu Mingfei translated to us. “Sounds like a Japanese folk song.”

“It’s from my hometown! When we were young, we both waited for my father to come back from the pier. He’d bring back fresh fish, and my mother would make fish soup and tofu for us.”

Nono turned to him. “I thought your father was a gangster? Since when did he take up fishing?”

I glanced at Nono, hackles rising again.

Crow threw up his hands. “Do you think I grew up on Tokyo? We collected protection money from the fishermen! He came from the pier after collecting! You women and your trust issues!”

Nono rolled her eyes but didn’t continue to question.

The wind blowing on the sea was getting colder and colder. I checked to make sure Ru’Yi’s knitted hat was staying on her head. Tonight, we were all wearing the uniforms of the Japanese Executive Bureau: Long black trench coats, with the special customized Ukiyo-e pattern in the lining.

“That trestle bridge is also thanks to my brother...” He suddenly stopped talking.

He spit out the cigarette in his mouth, stomped it out with the toe of his shoe and strode forward. “How are you my friend! I missed you so much, my white sail, the portrait of my ship, the strongest male seagull among us. My dear captain!”

From the darkness ahead came a middle aged man wearing a white uniform with a pale face. I could smell the alcohol and oil from a long distance. The man and Crow hugged vigorously and rubbed their chins together in a strange greeting.

“He’s a Slav.” Nono muttered, just loud enough for me to hear.

My uneasiness grew at his rough and unkempt appearance. How could I trust this dirty alcoholic stranger with my child’s life? I wanted off this boat and I hadn’t even gotten on it.

Nono noticed my discomfort. “Yeah I know... but Crow has kidnapped this man’s family and I’m sure if anyone harasses any of us, they’ll have Chu Zihang to contend with.”

The captain took out a bottle of vodka from his trouser pocket and handed it to Crow. Crow unscrewed it and took a sip. They spoke Japanese and what sounded like Russian. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that Crow was truly a sailor and not a gangster at all.

He returned to us and enthusiastically introduced us. “My good brother, Captain Aliyev will take you out of Japan. There are not many people who dare to enter and exit the port of Tokyo directly. The Aliyev brothers run the smoothest on this route and have never lost their cargo!”

I nodded but couldn’t help but frown at the vodka bottle.

“We will unload the cargo in Vladivostok in seven days. Within seven days, I will guarantee your safety.” Captain Aliyev seemed very proud. “Our ship is of very high level. Although we dare not say we are being escorted by warships, if anything happens, we will raise an alarm! And there will be warships coming from nearby within an hour. No one has ever dared to embarrass us on the high seas!”

Crow looked at me and gave me a thumbs up.

I expelled a breath and smiled, returning his thumbs up.

But in truth, I had already planned my own escape.

After our conversation earlier this night, I couldn’t sleep. I spent about an hour researching destinations to teleport to if needed. I decided against any more islands and settled on a place called La Rinconada, high in the mountains of Peru.

It was a six hour ride from the nearest city. There were no paved roads and buses were irregular. The biggest advantage it had was the fact that anyone coming into such a place would be noticed long before they got there. It was landlocked, making for an easy escape once we needed to escape again.

I wouldn’t depend on the assurances of the captain or Crow.

“Why would armed ships come to the rescue of a garbage ship?” Mingfei asked, surprised.

Crow leaned over and whispered something in Mingfei’s ear. Mingfei let out a little... “Oh!” and nodded.

I glanced over, frowning. Why couldn’t he tell me?

“Ladies and gentlemen, please come on board with me, your bed and vodka are ready!” Captain Aliyev cheered.

“My friend, I will leave it to you! I owe you big time, Cap!” Crow shouted as he made his way back to his car.

He leaned against his sports car, looking at me. I felt that there should be more to say than this, but he waved his hand, shooing me off.

I gave him a wave and turned to follow the captain. As soon as I reached the captain’s side however, Crow shouted again. “I’ll take care of your wife and children!”

A shiver ran down my spine.

The ship was worse than I imagined. No matter how high a priority the cargo, a garbage ship still smelled like garbage, fish, and rusty steel. We were supposed to spend our escape in a literal floating dumpster!

The living area was below the deck, and Aliyev led us through the dark passageway. Nono was alert to everything, memorizing the dark halls to find her way back later on her own. I followed her lead, mentally marking signs in my head to make sure I understood the route back to the upper decks.

With her ability to profile and read people, Nono was also good as a watch dog. If anyone here seemed out of place, she would let us know.

Aliyev stopped at the end of a passage, the two doors on each side of the hall made for four cabins.

“Vodka, soft beds, 24-hour hot water. This is the best place to to live on this boat.” He squinted at us. “Why are you such good friend of Mr. Saeki?”

He didn’t wait for a reply. “Don’t walk around for your own safety. Many men on boat. Always sad, depressed and lonely. You are very beautiful... and they get drunk.”

Nono gave a loud snort and pushed into the door.

Mingfei went in the opposite door from Nono

Chu Zihang dutifully went to follow Nono but suddenly hesitated, looking at me.

I walked past him and then grabbed his arm, leaning into his ear to whisper. “Sleep with your sword tonight.”

I picked the door next to Mingfei’s.

The cabin was quite tidy, and there was even a small round porthole to look outside. But the so-called 24-hour hot water was just a shower head and the unlimited vodka was also the cheap kind, not that I cared.

The Captain stood at the door watching me. “He told me to make sure you had everything you needed. Are you his wife?”

“When are we sailing?” I asked with some annoyance.

“The goods are loaded and we can leave at any time.” He held out a key to me.

I stared at him, frowning. “Toss it on the bed.”

He shrugged and did so. “I will ask the crew to bring in your other luggage later.”

“Are there lifeboats?”

“Of course! We must follow maritime law.”

I squinted at him in silence. Was this guy talking about law when he was smuggling fugitives? “Okay. Thank you very much.”

He turned and his heavy footsteps receded down the hall.

I hissed through my teeth. “I don’t trust these people. I don’t trust these people!”

I unwrapped Ru’Yi and laid her on the bed and then I sat on the bed, looking out the porthole window, holding Tongzi and Spider Fang in my lap.

In a few moments Lu Mingfei came in and saw me. He held a device in his hand. “You’re worried to, huh? I brought a bug scanner.”

I smiled with immense relief as he swept the room. “Nono’s already got her Beretta heavy pistol assembled and loaded. Only now she’s taking sips of vodka.” He said, chuckling.

After a few minutes of scanning, he nodded. “Alright... looks like the room is clean of bugs. We’re good to go.”

“Thanks Mingfei.”

“Any time.” He put the device back in his pocket. “Get some rest, Meixiu.”

“Call me Hamilton.” I smiled.

“I’m not calling you that.”

As he turned to leave, I spoke up. “By the way, anything goes down, come find me. I have a place we can teleport to.”

"I know I can count on you.” He gave me a thumbs up, then walked away and shut the door.

#Dragon Dancer #Dragon Raja #Writing #Fanfiction #Chen Moutong #Nono #Lu Mingfei #Mingfei Lu #Luminous #Chu Zihang #Johann Chu

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longeyelashedtragedy · 5 years

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first impressions of hozier’s wasteland baby! (my first impressions are usually harsh FYI)

it’s REAL hard for me to listen to an entire album of anything through all at once without hating the album, but i’ll give it my best because this is special and i’ve been really excited for this to come out for a lot of reasons

nina cried power: grows on me a little every time. definitely was a smart start to the album. also fits way better on the album than on the EP

almost (sweet music): wow, such a great transition from ncp to this song. i still think this is real Mehhhhhhh lyrically and it will always sound like a paul simon song to me. musically really strong which saves it and makes it super listenable!!! what’s going on with the rhythm in the chorus? he syncopates it in an interesting way i think, it keeps it fresh. i do love the line “be still my foolish heart” a lot

movement: y’all know how i feel about this song. nfwmb is still the winner, but movement is...WOW. a fuckin gay anthem, the song that made Verb a word. if i think about the significance of these lyrics to me i might cry! the way he slides his voice so seamlessly through the verses, and then we get that Explosion, just damn. even if you can sing in this guy’s range, you still can’t come close to singing how he does. the a cappella at the end! i always forget about it and then i have a religious experience for real. like suddenly being drop-kicked into burgos cathedral or something. moving on!

no plan: ok, this is the first new to me song on the album so i’ll just fire off first impressions from here on out. bold, catchy instrumental beginning. too bold? this sounds weird. too like “adult” and the heaviness of it doesn’t match how graceful his voice is. this sounds like it’d be playing really loud in a forever 21. jfc i’m gonna have to look up lyrics to read along because i can’t ever pay attention to lyrics when there’s Arrangement and Production Happening.

Sit here and watch the sunlight fade Honey, enjoy, it's gettin' late

has a gorgeous melody and i’d come back to listen again just for that lol

nobody: a lot of heavy drum intros on this album huh? omg it’s got that 90s lesbian music organ sound in it. “It's gin o'clock where I wake up, I don't know” okay edgelord! are you gonna brush your teeth with a bottle of jack? (i say this with love) this is also sort of too Adult--

But I've had no love like your love, ooh, I'm nobody I'd be appalled if I saw you ever try to be a saint I wouldn't fall for someone I thought couldn't misbehave

FUCK!!! ABORT!!!! Wh...that’s so shades of “he is the disobedience that holds us together,” a Ghost line that I love, and it is IMPORTANT. Wow i loved this so much that the song is already over lol

to noise making (sing): this album is so American. this sounds like a mariah carey song to me lmao. “Your awful heart” is a cool line though. this is growing on me, but it sounds like such a mashup of 90s genres? that’s interesting, huh

as it was: oh thank god, an acoustic guitar--that’s not something you’ll hear me say a lot. i’m 100% here for this traditional, softer sound of his. give me some swampy irish blues shit. ooh i love when he scoops into his lower register. foxgloved as an adjective. who is this “my baby?” the one nobody fucks with? oh, i love when he starts low and then suddenly sings the next verse high--it’s like a burst of starlight to the ear! “Make your good love known to me” is a very pleasing line.

shrike: i don’t have a lot to say about this song...it’s just really, really good and melty-yellow and reminds me of lying in the sun in central park in the fall. 10/10. also it is so strongly associated with my bffff that it makes me really happy. listening through again, it’s so perfectly crafted. how can you not get shivers at these instrumental bits? hozier at his best is effortless grace. this song sounds like what his hair looks like. oh, also this sounds really good back to back with as it was

talk: ooooh, intriguing beginning. bateman brain went “this is related to lady gaga’s ‘teeth.’’ OOOH, these vocals. HOLY SHIT this just got Adult.

I'd be the dreadful need in the devotee That made him turn around

I won't deny I've got in my mind now (Hey, yeah) All the things I would do So I try to talk refined for fear that you find out (Hey, yeah) How I'm imaginin' you

oh my lordt! Meu Deus! i had to pause this shit! this is just dirty, and that bass line ain’t helping! also, i am SO IMPRESSED that after literally just 2 seconds my brain was like this is in teeth’s family because it totally is. INSTANT BEST NEW SONG ON THE ALBUM. whomst the fucc is on bass here? also that outro sounded like it walked straight of of danzig’s unpopular album 6:66 satan’s child which is one of my favorites hahaha

be: damn i’d hate being the song after talk lol. 50 seconds in + reading the lyrics and i have no impressions. that’s always weird. i really want to skip this one and like, let it autoplay at some point when i can listen to it less consciously and see if it sinks in? but i’m not going to skip it because i want to see how dinner & diatribes sounds after it. this brain is a chore friends

dinner & diatribes: another really well-placed transition. be was sort of a weak song in my opinion so this strong, strong song keeps the momentum going. i made this observation already but i have a great love for when songs are in 3 but are not floofy and waltzy*. they get such an urgency to them, the rhythm gets super like...Driven. imagine him really wanting to GTFO and Get It Done(TM). it wouldn’t work as well in a traditional 4. lyrically i think this song is hilarious and indicative of our boy’s personality

*i also LOVE floofy waltzes lol

would that i: more traditional hozier sound. oh, this is is so good!!! like a sunset over a plains state. let’s go with nebraska because i’ve been to that one and it made a good visual impression lol. wow these lyrics are...really good and relatable. i think i’m tearing up. this is another song that sounds very “american” but in a very good way. he does american well lol. ok so like “i’ve handled the wood” is giggle-worthy but i’m definitely tearing up here and i want to BLAST it in the car next time i drive somewhere

sunlight: dude i am not ready for the next song slow your roll here. i’m not here for the clunky drum on “sunlight, sunlight, sunlight.”

I have been lost in sunlight Flew like a moth to you, sunlight, oh, sunlight All we love is sunlight All we love is sunlight But it is sunlight

yo that’s legit. occasionally there’s something about this that makes me think of a mid-late beatles song, huh.

Each day, you rise with me Know that I would gladly be The Icarus to your certainty Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight You strap the weight of me A death trap clad happily With wax melted, I need to see Under sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

shit i need to like...Ruminate on these here lyrics. so this is a rarity in that i will def listen to this explicitly for the lyrics?

the end is growing on me, it’s pretty. possibly too intensely orchestrated for me though lol

wasteland, baby!: i love anytime a song starts like this. he did the thing a lot of artists do where they put a very softe song at the end of an album. what the fuck is this effect on his voice? my synesthesia is really bothered by it. i can’t wait to hear this live and more stripped down. what a sweet melody, possibly i could pull off singing this one. the melody makes certain references to shrike, it’s another very melty-yellow song, and i think this is very cool and even cooler if intentional. it ties the album together well because of that. so i started out not sure about this song and ended up with goosebumps and loving it, though i don’t usually listen to soft music so i probably wouldn’t listen to it as frequently as a few of these others, if you feel me

to sum up my first impressions:

-nina cried power still just ain’t that gr8 to me, though i respect it

-i liked this so much better than i thought i would, which is relieving

-i can’t wait to relisten to these in various ways and get to know them better

-nfwmb reigns supreme as a song still, how did he DO that

-my first re-listen is gonna be Talk feat. alex ryan’s Dirty Bass Line hell ye

#Shitlord Brain: if u can't relate this to juiz de fora is it Relevant #also me: Shut Up Brain and Enjoy #bateman blogging #ihc listens to wasteland baby

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ghostphilia · 6 years

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DP x Fallout Crossover: Ch 2

Chapter 1 here

Nora Taylor used to practice law before all this. She hadn’t been in the game in a while, but she was going to come back after Shaun’s birth. She was going to defend the rights of the people in a country that kept trampling them by selling the individual to corporations and using war as an excuse. She was going to make a change in society, and she was going to protect the weak, and she was going to raise a beautiful, smart, young boy with Nate, the love of her life. Yeah right.

She couldn’t help but let a loud laugh course through her whole body as she went through her thoughts, standing at the edge of the glowing sea. Nick Valentine was beside her, silent and eyeing her thoroughly, but not looking an inch more surprised than usual. He was used to Nora’s chagrin. He wasn’t quite as human as everyone else around him, but he would have eaten his mangled Stetson hat if he didn’t know Nora like the back of his trench coat by now. The lass had increasingly become more and more haunting since the day she had first stepped foot in his office with an impossible request. He couldn’t even fathom what kind of mental process one had to go through to shift from loving mother in a (relatively) tender world to one of the most ruthless, dangerous wastelanders currently in the commonwealth, but for Nora to make the cut, something had to have broken up or fizzled out in the central processing unit. Not that it didn’t make her any less good of a friend, or human being, no. Just a little trigger-happy and with the occasional psychotic outburst.

Nora knew what nick was thinking whenever he gave her the long looks. She chuckled, seemingly unparsed by her own inner misery.

“Ready to get out there again Nick? Haven’t set foot in this place in a while, didn’t really have much of an excuse to visit since our friend Virgil went all human again, I forgot how charming it was.” She chuckled again, hysterically. Nick kept being silent, near her, waiting her to calm down. She exhaled, and ran a hand through dirty, short red hair “All right all right, sorry for the little show there, it’s just been, what, one year? Wow.” She exhaled, composing herself inside her rad-resistant power armour. Nick nodded, making a small underhanded but affectionate comment about loosing screws. She didn’t need to specify. It had been one year since the both of them had traveled all the way into the glowing sea to find Virgil, a super mutant scientist. In a few weeks time, it would have been one year since she destroyed the institute, and murdered her own son.

They were off to the glowing sea on a mission from the minutemen, a now growing force for good within the commonwealth. Nora hadn’t taken the position of leadership Preston had offered her, but she still helped out from time to time, made sure the group didn’t mess around again like before. She trusted Preston, but the guy was still way too emotional to handle things on his own.

There had been a suddenly huge afflux of children of atom pilgrims, coming from all sides or the commonwealth and beyond, converging into the place of worship Nora understood as ground zero, Atom’s Crater. Most of them were harmless, but many had disrupted commonwealth settlements by acting violent towards non-believers, or bringing in radiation. Some brought with them chained glowing ones as offerings and items of worship, and more than a few times those ghouls had gotten loose, ending up in a bloodbath and a lot of radiation poisoning. Nora had dealt with the children before, and had found them mostly harmless, but these numbers had started to make her worried. The crazy worshippers might be weak from radiation sickness half the time, and hallucinating the other half, but now they were crazy and with an army, one that was hard to fight, since it was located in a place most people would be mad to even try to approach.

She had popped her helmet on and moved forwards. They had traded a few essential quips as they moved inside the green storm. At the end of a day’s walk, something would shut both of their mouths entirely.

The crater of Atom wasn’t just a crater any longer. It was a small town. She couldn’t even fathom where the children were able to scavenge that many supplies within a radioactive desert, but there it was… If these people hadn’t multiple times proved to be completely insane, she would have even felt some sort of awe, or innate respect, for what they were able to accomplish.

Two men had stopped them in front of some sort of gates. They had erected a wall around the town borders, which Nora assumed wasn’t to protect from fellow men, since the only people roaming the glowing sea were the children themselves. Deathclaws, on the other hand, might’ve been increasingly attracted by the growing populace.

“Hail Atom, travelers. You come to worship his holy vessel?”

Nick and Nora had given each other a quick comedic glance.

“We’ve come to meet with your leader, Mother Isolde. They know me, We’ve met a year ago. Although… she’s never really said anything about a holy vessel? What, has she been up somebody’s pants lately? Cause if so good for her.” Nora added commented in a half sarcastic tone. The guard dislodged him mandible, looking personally affronted.

“Would you dare speak heresy against the mother and holy vessel? Atoms fury will rain upon all that..”

He was stopped by Nick Valentine’s loud, raspy groan.

“Remind me of why I travel with you again?” He said, his voice grouchier than usual as he stepped up in front of Nora, trying to hide her as much as possible

“Look Buddy, you’ve got to forgive my partner here, she talks a big mouth but could probably use a bit of atoms wisdom.” He put extra stress on the last part, turning around to glare at her. “You see, me and my partner here don’t mean you guys and your god no harm. We are just here to trade a few words with the good mother, representing the minutemen. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this many children out in the commonwealth, and since we are neighbours and all I think we oughta figure out a way to help each other, don’t you?”

“As far as I’m concerned heretics like you should be banned from the holy site.” The guard hissed. “But we shall see what Mother has to say.” He nudged his head towards his radiation blaster, then motioned at the duo to follow him through the gates.

Not everyone in the village looked like the usual children of atom worshipper. Some seemed to be new, and had just begun loosing their hair. Some were actual children, which made Nora’s stomach turn in disgust. Children had no way of making a crazy religious choice for themselves. Were these guys recruiting orphans and sending them to their deaths?

“I’ve seen some of these people before, in the commonwealth. Pretty bold move to choose to leave everything behind for this.” Nick had commented off handedly as they approached the center of the crater, giving nora the quick glance that usually meant he suspected something rotten. Nora couldn’t be more inclined to agree. These ‘new people’ seemed to be there of their own will, but why such a sudden conversion to such a crazy religion. This village had walls now. They might have kept bad things out, but they could also hold things in. Did it have to do with something this.. vessel.. the guard was talking about.

“Atom’s will is great, and he has blessed us with a grand gift. Even the stubborn nonbelievers can now see into his glory. Look for yourself.” The guard added smugly, as they approached the central crater.

Surrounded by dozens of men and women in prayer, was a pool of radioactive water Nora was familiar with. What she wasn’t familiar with was the pedestal of glowing trinkets at its center, upholding something that was objectively just plain weird.

It was the most vivid blue crystal she had ever seen. She would almost have confused it for ice if not for the fact that she hadn’t seen actual ice ever since she’d gotten out of her cryo-pod and that, well, the crystal seemed to be glowing. The most stunning thing though, was not the glow in the ice itself, but the bright, ethereal white light, outlining a human figure, trapped inside the crystalline obelisk.

“Behold, foreigners, Atoms holy corpse. That is the vessel all here come to worship.” The guard phrased slowly, stopping in his step reverently. “You will be quiet and wait now, for Mother Isolde is about to give a sermon. We will meet her as she is finished.”

Nora remembered Isolde. She had looked humble, crazy of course, but reasonable enough. That was not the way she looked now, as she walked out of a balcony, above ‘the relic’. What she looked now, was possessed. It was as if something within that glowing crystal had caused her to snap, well, snap more than she had already snapped before. Nora had been on the brink of loosing it a few times herself, and quite frankly, seeing Isolde’s face like that was driving it home a little too much.

As she had reached the edge of the balcony, she had raised her hands to the sky, her long green robes flowing across her arms like wings. The whole town had quieted down, leaving only the sound of a few chants lost in the radioactive wind.

“Six months ago, dear children, a few of our devoted found the Holy Vessel within the glowing pools of the west”

“Six Months ago, we were lost in his glow, dear children, we were asking for his love. We were battling the non-believers, suffering to prove our faith. But we were unseen, unconnected, unloved. Yet fret not, for Atom is great, and his love infinite. For now, Atom has found us!”

She paused, looking towards the sky, and lowering her arms onto the crowd.

“Six months ago, I have gazed into Atom’s endless green eyes. Atom himself showed me a vision, through his body. He has given us a great gift, and bestowed upon us a great duty. For he will descend upon the earth, and he shall descend within this vessel. Dear children Atom wishes to live among us. Together, he wills to guide us through Division. Thus we must worship him, until he is resurrected. We must worship him and sacrifice for him, so that he may walk amongst us.”

At this point, Isolde was visibly shaking.

“He has spoken to me. He feeds on our feelings, asks for our pain, and we must answer to him. Each day we must. None will be like us in history. We are Atom’s chosen! We shall worship him, we shall save him, and he will save us!”

And with that, she lifted some form of staff into the air, and the crowd exploded in a huge roar.

“Tomorrow, we begin the ritual of awakening. Bless you All! May Atom be with you!” She erupted madly, retreating away from the balcony. The crowd remained in unrest, chanting furiously and making noise. The guard escorting Nora and Nick grabbed both of their arms to make sure they would not escape in the chaos, and led them towards the main hub. After waiting for a small time in a separate room, Nora was asked to step out of her power armour. Radiation levels seemed to be lower in the crater, and she didn’t want to start shooting just yet, so she begrudgingly accepted after popping a few pills of Rad-X. They were lead into the Mother’s residence. She awaited them while sitting. Meditating.

“Welcome, wanderers” She smiled, politely facing them. “I see we have met before, you vanquished the heretic for us, way back. Brother Adam here tells me you have come to bargain for the Minutemen. How lucky for you to be here again, at such a great time of our lord’s awakening.”

“Well that’s a way of putting it” Nick mumbled in the back.

Nora stared down at Isolde. “Lady I have about a million questions more at this point that have absolutely nothing to do with what Preston asked me to do, but yes, let’s just say I’ve come to bargain.” She crouched down in front of her, relaxing, completely ignoring the tension in the room.

“I see you’ve been stacking up quite a community here. Odd place to be at but hey, you guys seem to immune to this stuff, so good for you. Us ‘normal’…” She wiggled her fingers as if to say she was not normal at all “…people in the commonwealth though… well, let’s just say some of us don’t like all this radiation flying around? Some of your caravans have been harming our settlements, and well, we don’t really want to start preparing defenses against them if we can help it. We’d rather come to some form of agreement with your pilgrims, you feel? They stay away from our territories, and we make sure the roads to the glowing sea are safe to travel. We could also exchange trades while we are at it. That’s just one of a few ideas.” She smirked.

Isolde, oddly enough, seemed to be matching Nora’s smirk. Except for the mad glint in one of her eyes.

“These seem all excellent ideas my child, but I am afraid they will have to wait. Tomorrow is a great day for our community, and none can tell what shall come after it, except for Atom himself”

“Yeah, about that, what the fucking hell.. mmhph..”

“I suppose what my partner is trying to say here.” Nick interceded again, at this point just plain used to it. “Is that we were surprised at how much your community has grown. We’ve also managed to see the relic, and hear your speech, and were wondering more about it.”

“Ah, so Atoms glow has drawn you in. Not to worry, all can take his path to division, even those lacking human flesh.” She eyed him and smiled, ignoring Nick’s pronounced frown. “There is not much more I can say that my speech has not already revealed. All questions will be answered tomorrow. Atom has spoken to me, through his eyes I’ve seen what to do to bring him into this world, and I have chosen to serve him. He is close to resurrection, and tomorrow, he will walk amongst us.”

Nora shifted on her feet. She didn’t like this. There was no way the children would resurrect their god, but whatever was going to happen, it couldn’t be pretty, and, well, if she could help it she didn’t wanna be anywhere around it.

Except for…

The children she had seen, among the crowd… Could she abandon them? It would be that easy now, after what she’d done, wouldn’t it?

“Of course you’re welcome to stay for the ritual. We may continue our discussion after. Our brothers will prepare your loungings. You must leave me know, I have much to meditate on”

A few reveries later, and a few question that Isolde kept outright dodging, they were brought to a separate room and left alone, asked to wait as the guard would bring back Nora’s power armour.

They had been silent with each other, waiting for one to break the ice.

“Nick..” Nora mumbled under her breath

“Oh thank the railroad, I thought you were just gonna let me do the talking.” He whispered back.

“You’ve been great at it so far, constantly interrupting me and everything”

“You’re a real piece of work you know? I don’t know if you noticed here boss, but these people are straight up insane, and now they seem to think their god will walk on earth. I don’t like lying just as much as you, but I can omit a few personal opinions if it gets my gears still grinding underneath my trenchcoat.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You know what we have to do, right?”

“My best guess at this point is that you first chose to run away with your tail between your legs, figuring that these people would accidentally blow themselves up, and then saw the obviously kidnapped children and took a 180 degree angle turn.”

“You know me so well.”

“So are we rescuing the children and the new recruits? Do we even know if they are here by force?”

“Well, we could always talk to them and find out. Maybe they know what this ritual even is in the first place. Also, what did you think of that.. thing. That was just weird right?”

“Don’t tell me you believe in that pigeon’s milk. It’s probably some rad infused crystal that happened to look like there’s a fella inside it. There’s lotsa weird stuff like that happening in the world.”

“…You’re probably right. Probably also what drove the Mother insane. Gosh Nick this is a mess.”

“You’re telling me, you got my work cut out for me. By the way, we should watch out while we are out in the crater. If some of these people were actually kidnapped, the dear Mother might definitely have sent some goons to babysit us. They could strike at any m…”

Nick’s voice fizzled out, his golden eyes turning off. A small electrical device had been lodged in his back, seemingly shorting out his power. Nora turned as fast as she could, but a long sharp needle stabbed her near her neck juncture, and things gradually.. gradually turned to black.

#danny phantom #dp fanfiction #fallout fanfiction #crossover #dp crossover

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shirtlesssammy · 7 years

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Repo Man: 7x15 Recap

Oh wow, hello episode that Boris saw...once. For all its Ben Edlund glory, this episode never made it into the rewatch rotation for me. I don’t know why, other than I was impatient for Cas to reappear and didn’t want to pick apart the subtextual story it was telling (who am I kidding, I didn’t watch the show for the subtext the first time around and this was an episode during the Cas-less wasteland.)

Then:

Sam continues to rock the brooding attractiveness of being haunted by the devil.

Now:

Four Years Ago:

In Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, Ms. Havelock approaches a remote cabin, where Sam reluctantly welcomes her inside. It seems the Brothers Winchester have caught themselves a demon. (If I do my math correctly, this is circa season 3? Prior to Dean going to hell? Augh, this hurts to watch knowing how much hell breaks Dean.) The demon and Ms. Havelock exchange pleasantries. Ms. Haverlock has her say and takes off. The boys are left to torture the demon out of any information he has on Lilith. The demon decides to let Jeffrey, the possessed man, make an appearance.

Jeffrey pleads with the brothers to stop the demon. Sam tells him that they will, but they need information first, which means possibly hurting Jeffrey. He agrees, remembering the awful things the demon made him do. The demon takes over, and Dean starts slicing. They get the info they need, and exorcise the demon.

The Impala makes a cameo in the flashback as Dean drives Jeffrey to the E.R. Without ceremony, and an order to not mention demons, Dean drops him off and leaves. Oh Jeffery.

Now:

Ah, season 7. Dean gets a call from Frank Devereaux and Sam gets a brain visit from Lucifer. Sam’s still able to use the hand wound trick to make Luci disappear, thankfully. He then lays out their case on the bed. Same as four years ago, and Dean wonders who let their demon out of the great underground. Well, time to reopen the case.

*Dean is asleep in pajamas in bed alert*

(Ok, it’s not really an alert, we just never see him actually sleep or get comfortable in bed, so this was nice.)

Anyway, the police radio lights up a crime. The Winchesters are on the case. Once on the scene, the detective they worked with in the past recognizes Agents Bonham and Watts. They need their memories jogged for Detective Sutton’s name. Anyway, Sam finds sulfur at the scene (duh).

Sam and Dean decide to check in on Ms. Havelock. She seems fine, just unable to walk through her newly painted demon trap. (I don’t know how this episode ends...she’s possessed, right?) (Natasha: I vaguely remembered this one but still thought...why didn’t you just make your trap a leeeetle bit bigger so it would actually block the whole doorway? Otherwise those demons are just gonna sidle past like you just did.) She says she’s doing what she can to protect herself. Sam wonders if she’s had any contact with the demon. She says no and tells them that she’s leaving town soon. She then asks about Jeffrey. Some demons can be sentimental. Time to find that poor bastard.

Jeffrey is at a half-way home, and he’s adopting a dog. OMG, Jeffrey, I’m sorry I only watched your episode once. Your story hurts me. When picking up his new buddy, he hears a noise from an alley and decides to investigate. No, Jeffrey! Well, it’s just Sam and Dean, so that’s something. But still, let this poor injured man enjoy his life with his new canine companion.

They all head back to Jeffrey’s home (Luci too!).

Dean “I’m homeless and carless and have NOTHING IN THIS WORLD” Winchester has the nerve to mock Jeffrey’s living quarters. Jeffrey wonders what they want with him, and Dean tells him that the demon that possessed him is back. This really upsets Jeffery. Jeffrey Bean! (Ack, doesn’t work as well when it doesn’t rhyme.) Jeffrey asks what the last victim’s name was, and then tells the brothers who the next one on the list is. It seems the demon has a kill list, and he repeated it enough for Jeffrey to remember.

Someone knocks on Jeffrey’s door, and he goes to answer it. It’s his group leader. Sam and Dean, meanwhile, agree they really messed up the poor guy (but they didn’t --the demon did. Gah, the weight of responsibility of both of them hurts me so much). Sam heads out to find the next woman on the demon’s list, while Dean stays behind to watch over Jeffrey.

*Library Alert*

Ngl, they knocked this set out of the park. The unnecessary signage alone! And Marjorie Willis? I mean, *I* don’t dress like that but MY GOD is that a perfect representation of ALL my colleagues (Natasha is also an exception.) They do have Marjorie shelving though and that is not something she would do. Yep, we’ve reached the unnecessary portion of the recap where Boris nitpicks representations of her profession.

Sam settles in to watch his charge, Lucifer along for the ride.

Back at Jeffrey’s, Jeffrey fills Dean in on his life since the demon possession. He had a hard time of it --especially when he started to talk about what happened. “Never tell. Never... never., “ Dean retroactively warns. He does compliment Jeffrey on pulling himself together, but the demon is back. Jeffrey recalls a place where the demon nested (anyone getting weird Eugene Tooms vibes with that?)

At the library, Lucifer decides to mess with Sam’s mind by having him imagine patrons bash their heads into their study tables. Graphic. I mean, there’s like fleshy brain/head bits. Neutralizing Lucifer with his hand trick, Sam notices a Bad Boy™ with a leather jacket in the library.

Dean and Jeffrey arrive at the demon’s nest, conveniently with no cell coverage.

Back at the library Sam stalks the leather-jacketed suspect to the back of the library where...he finds one Madame Librarian getting thoroughly snogged in the “discontinued periodicals.” Peeping Sam slinks away…

Meanwhile, Dean’s led to Jeffrey’s demon’s hideaway. Dean breaks inside and finds a young man tied to a chair, dirty and bloodied. Dean runs up and begins to work on his chains when the guy wakes up. He starts to shout through his duct-taped mouth, eyes wide, and then Jeffrey springs up behind Dean and injects him with something. It’s lights out for our Dean Bean.

Sam continues to valiantly ignore a SUPER annoying Hallucifer and the dimples of discontent make an appearance as he examines his phone. He can’t get in touch with Dean. Gee, I hope everything is alright! Sam examines the toxicology report. The victims were all heavily tranquilized...odd for a demon to have to trank it’s victims, right? While Sam mulls this over and tries to ignore Hallucifer’s sterling conclusions, I try to ignore the unprofessional librarian making out with her faux biker boyfriend at her public desk. Sam snaps at Hallucifer to “shut up” as they both reach conclusions about super creeper Jeffrey...and Hallucifer preens at the attention. Now they can have a real two way conversation. (Muahahaha)

Sam infiltrates Jeffrey’s apartment, tearing it apart while Hallucifer thrills over getting to play Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys with Sam. Sam finds drugs and a fake bottom drawer. The false bottom drawer has a latin incantation hidden inside of it. Sam puzzles over the incantation and Hallucifer patiently walks him through it. Sam’s never seen that type of demon summoning spell before, but he has seen that handwriting!

Sam breaks into Nora’s witchcraft business where she attacks him. Hallucifer tells Sam to get tough and he threatens her…which gets her to talk. (Oh, Sam.) She finally confesses that she wrote the summoning spell for Jeffrey because he kidnapped her son, mailed her his ear, and told her she had to help him or her son would die. Jeffrey’s trying to raise up the demon who first possessed him. (Boris interjects: MAN, I’m such a sucker. I had the whole Tooms vibe feeling but still believed Jeffrey. You’d think I could read this show better after all these years, but nope.)

Back at Jeffrey’s creepy warehouse, he confesses that he loved being possessed. He loved his demon very, very much. Dean’s all SON OF A BITCH and YOU’RE A SERIAL KILLER and ALAS THE TERRIBLE NATURE OF MANKIND.

Dean asks Jeffrey if the list of women the demon killed came from him. Jeffrey owns up to it, confessing that whenever he passed by a certain woman on his list a sound would come from their brains that only he could hear. He’d follow them home and...you know the rest. (So creepy.)

Jeffrey had no plans to ever do anything until his demon came along. Once he was possessed, they set to killing together. After the demon was exorcised, Jeffrey descended into a deep depression until he gained the resolve to get the demon back.

Back with Sam, he learns why Jeffrey has Dean. When the first ritual Nora gave him didn’t work, she found a summoning spell that would definitely work. It required the blood of the exorcist - Dean. Sam commands her to do a tracking spell. “You want the ear,” he demands, “or the kid?” A compelling argument. It gave Hallucifer chills - so Sam’s definitely doing just A+ fine.

Jeffrey does some side exploration of the nature of torture and how good the Winchesters can be given the amount they tortured Jeffrey while he was possessed. It’s a pretty fucking good point (though it doesn’t get much follow-through here). It’s just more fuel for the Dean Winchester self loathing train.

Jeffrey does the summoning spell and the demon busts loose, possessing Nora’s son instead. He busts out of his chains, grins smarmily at Dean, and then hug/dances Jeffrey around the room. Jeffrey invites him to possess him but the demon tells him that he’s a protege and he’s free to fly on his own now. When Jeffrey isn’t down with the solo plan, the demon smacks him down.

Jeffrey captured a Winchester. He’s ready for the big leagues now. “Keep sawing away at your ropes Penelope Pitstop,” the demon tells struggling Dean. Jeffrey’s ready to fly on his own so the demon’s gonna make other plans. And the demon’s gonna “burn the kid off” on his way to Vegas.

Suddenly Sam is there! He fights the demon and lures him into a devil’s trap that Sam and Nora painted on the ceiling. Dean, meanwhile, finally busts free and when Jeffrey tries to head into the fray Dean shoots him dead. The witch performs an exorcism and saves her son.

Dean and Sam head into their hotel room. Dean all but passes out on the bed while Sam sits around quietly talking through the case. Sam prepares to sleep as well but Hallucifer murmurs in his ear. Now that the case is solved it’s time for them to talk. Sam tries to massage his injured hand (and by “massage” I mean practically reinjure) but nothing works. Now that Sam talked to Hallucifer he let him in. Now he can’t get rid of him. As we leave Sam, Hallucifer’s making Sam’s bed burn around him.

“Goooood morning Vietnam,” Hallucifer shouts, delighted. His cackle fades into black...

I love you madly, madly Madame Quotarian:

You ain’t the first demon we tracked down on this safari.

Librarian, indoor gardening enthusiast, our demon's next organ donor.

Right here in my discontinued periodicals.

Name. Number. Nightmare. Go.

“Sorry. Just had to make sure.” “Make sure of what – that I peed my pants today?”

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn rewatch #spn 7x15 #repo man #dean winchester #sam winchester #Hallucifer #supernatural season 7 #he was my ben edlund thing

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nationallampoon · 7 years

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Wine Pairings With Household Chores

According to people who make science, housecleaning affords the precise level of pleasure as time spent in a North Korean prison. You are far too fabulous and important to suffer in this manner. The following is a guide to help you find the perfect wine companion for each chore. Here’s to making your housecleaning more palatable. Cheers!

Vacuuming

Take a look at your carpet. Are you questioning whether someone overturned a festival porta potty? Allow your eyeholes to gently register this fuzzy burial ground for legos, chinchilla hair, Cheetos and other radioactive snacks. It appears that someone has shaved the dog or your muskrat fur hat collection again.

Do not get discouraged. You are wonderful.

Gingerly wrestle the vacuum cleaner from its cave—the one that remains mysteriously invisible to the entire family except you. Using one hand only, furtively whisk it across the furry wasteland while in operational mode. Your other hand should be expertly clutching your vacuum wine pairing. Suck up anything that impedes your holy trail to tidiness including shoes, raccoons, 187 feet of phone charger cords, and deplorable wedding gifts. Most importantly, suck up your delicious and carefully selected wine pairing.

Note: If you own a Roomba, gently press its circular on button and park your fart box on the couch to enjoy your wine pairing. Now is an excellent time to binge watch Netflix or research eggplant recipes on Pinterest. Don’t forget to tweet about how exhausted you are. Well done! You are a domestic goddess.

Vacuum Wine Pairing: Monkey Bay Sauvignon Blanc 2014

Price/Bottle: $9.99

Dusting

Don hazmat suit. Realize you have misplaced your hazmat suit and settle for your husband’s long johns and a rubber unicorn head mask. Using a microfiber cloth or your shih tzu, unleash plumes of dust, baby formula and cocaine from their resting places. If you are feeling playful, you might gently attach the family parakeets to your long johns and rampage through the house while indulging in your best Julie Andrews alpine twirling. Great skill must be taken not to douse the floor with your bubbly wine pairing while engaging in this highly physical chore. Also, now is a great time to start saving up for a lung job.

Dusting Wine Pairing: LaMarca Prosecco

Price/Bottle: $13.99

Laundry:

It has become clear to you that there are hurdles along the sidewalk to sanitation. Your home has more dirty laundry than a Facebook timeline!

Do not despair. You are glorious.

Look on the bleached side: your childhood dream of running a zoo has actually come true! It appears that in recognizing you still have a pulse, your family has lovingly placed all their soiled garments approximately four inches away from the laundry basket. Scoop them up and cram them into the washing machine while whistling Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive and entering the witness protection program online. Take care not to spill your pairing, which you lovingly note is the same persistent burgundy shade as many of the stains that besiege you. This specific wine has been paired to cut the bitterness of hand scrubbing your husband’s boxers. Throw out one of each family member’s socks due to sizable holes and vitriol. There is a sock stealing monster and it’s you! Cheers!

Laundry Wine Pairing: Chateau Ste. Michelle Cabernet Sauvignon, Columbia Valley 2013

Price/Bottle: $13.99

Closets:

Open the closet door to the theme song from The Exorcist and a rehearsing rodent a cappella group. Moths whizz past you screaming, “Freedom!” in Scottish accents. Mountains of S.U.I (shopping under the influence) purchases and skinny jeans mock you. After the apocalypse, this is what landfills will look like. You think you smell a yak’s testicles. Slowly back out of the closet. This is not a safe scenario. People have been known to go missing or get sucked into British fantasy worlds in this manner and you are not prepared for a confrontation with an articulate, genetically modified lion. Take a deep breath, smile, enjoy two bottles of your wine pairing at its delightful price point and consider calling Mike Rowe.*

*This job has been added to your next guide “Tequila Pairings With Household Chores”

Peek-At-Closet Pairing: Charles Shaw Merlot, Trader Joe’s

Price/Bottle: $2.99

Bathtub And Shower Scrubbing:

You’re not sure when your washroom became more unsanitary than the Ganges river, but this is not a time for self-flagellation. It appears that your husband has taken up abstract painting or can’t be bothered to turn the light on during his nightly pees. Take regular breaks to step away from the bleach fumes and gently swig your wine pairing. You may begin to feel a little light headed. Due to the acoustics and a blood alcohol level that could power a Honda Civic, this is an excellent time to break into the hypersonic chorus of an Adele song. Wow. You sound very, very good. Columbia Records will be calling any minute. We recommend you indulge liberally of this pairing since you have just put yourself at high risk for cholera, dysentery, cryptosporidium, and other water-borne illnesses.

Bathtub And Shower Scrubbing Pairing: Château Lafite Rothschild

Price/bottle: $1,999.99

Oven Cleaning:

Gingerly crack open your oven machine. How do things look? Remove the fossilized chicken boobs and reevaluate. One of the Papas—Murphy or John—is fused to the oven floor. You can do this. Armed with your new wine pairing, use a brillo pad, some pegasus-scented oven cleaner and go to town in stylish, one-handed fashion. Consider a Mr. Clean magic eraser for this task. What’s that? Is Mr. Clean getting snarky with you? Simmer down, you hypercritical bald-headed bastard! Down your pairing in one. Be extra vigilant and ensure the oven is turned off during this cleaning so as not to Plath yourself. This household drudgery features a sweeter offering that balances nicely with the flavor of inky carbon blobs.

Oven Cleaning Pairing: J. Lohr Bay Mist Riesling, California 2010

Price/Bottle: $10

Repeat liberally for a sparkling home, a reputation for being indiscriminately amorous and a palate for gas station hot dogs. And remember: you are fabulous.

Wine Pairings With Household Chores was originally published on National Lampoon | The Humor Magazine Est 1970

#cleaning #drinking #housework #wine #wine pairing

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