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pandemiclaughter · 4 years

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Rambling about MIL her anxiety, parkinson’s

Some of the most frustrating conversations are with those who are in the very beginning stages of dementia, super stubborn, riddled with anxiety, angry, and sprinkled with some passive aggressiveness on top for extra fun. Then I’m going to make this communication even more difficult by letting my rambilng ADD tell you about these difficult encounters.

(warning---you may just want to skip this one---if you do, but want to have an idea of what this is about here’s the basics of the post:

The basic facts from this crazy non-linear explosion of words is my MIL believes she truly is going to run out of oxygen to breathe in the air. And how she went from telling me she has never had anxiety to she has lived with anxiety her whole life.)

MIL (in her 80s with Parkinson’s) does not have good balance, she can not stand for many seconds without support. She is always freezing. When we first moved in here she would run blow dryers on her bed all night. She said it was to keep her warm. But now through much more dedection---they were also white noise to help with her anxiety.

So we have moved to no longer using the bed as potential kindle. It took her a few months to learn to use an app for white noise sound (damn when they upgrade the app---she stopped using it and went back to a CD--but was mad because it was a different CD player). We got google dot to work for a bit, but then she would tell it to play things with a limited time. She also refuses ocean sounds--because ocean sounds make you pee. (I get how the sound of a trickling stream may make you want to pee--but crashing waves---dear God, how forceful is your urine?)

So back to her freezing. We got a nice little heater in there, with a thermostat and a timer. Hubby went and turned “off” the vents--(these vents are from the 70s and they do not really close). One vent under the bed, the other behind the dresser. Both I would have a really hard time getting to.

Hubby and I came in the other night to help her with her sleep sounds again. And he notices her vents are open full.

First we asked her how---because with her balance---(We’ve had one fall since we’ve been Coronateened--thank GOD she didn’t hurt herself). So she’s like, of course I opened them---I didn’t have enough oxygen in here.

Wait---her room is the largest room in the house---master bedroom with a door to the outside, windows, regardless--run out of oxygen--how do you run out of oxygen---she’s not in a sealed box. She continues to tell us that the oxygen runs out at night and she can’t breathe. Hubby and I try not to laugh--explain she will never run out of oxygen in the air--and the air conditioner is not bringing in more oxygen. We ask her please, if she wants her vents opened or closed to come get us--because we really don’t want her falling. (I still can’t figure out how she got them opened.) This is the same woman who refuses to walk on grass--because she will fall and refuses to walk down the driveway--without someone watching her. She’s riddled with these weird beliefs (it runs in the family--hubby’s sister is afraid to eat meat if the white and the dark meat have visibly touched).

Later, another time, I try to talk to her about her episodes at night and in the conversation explain they might be anxiety attacks she is feeling. I ask her what has worked for her in the past for her anxiety attacks. Now this is the same woman who usually gets excited about being ill--but she hates that I use the word anxiety.

MIL: I have never had an anxiety attack. I don’t have anxiety.

Me: Ok, but didn’t you used to take Xanax daily?

MIL: Yes.

Me: Ok, why did you take Xanax daily?

MIL: That’s because I taught school and kids are stressful.

Me: Ok, but didn’t your doctor just recently stop filling your prescription? Just in the last year? (she’s in her 80s)

MIL: That’s because he said it’s not good for my health and I could fall. (ok--I know kids are stressfull--but I’m pretty certain that you weren’t still stressed years after teaching---but I don’t go there.)

Me; So was there anything else that you did to help when you were more stressed out? I mention how she was doing well after starting Zoloft, but over the last couple of weeks she hasn’t been sleeping, she seems on edge, maybe wanted to talk to the doctor about upping the dose. (What I really want to tell her is I need you to get your anxiety in check, because it’s starting to set off my anxiety something awful. We have had conversations about my anxiety it has helped opened up some discussion--and also that her 3 children all have it too. i know some of this is people just didn’t talk about anxiety before---or I guess she didn’t?)

(this is the sweet lady that only gets mad at me---well and her oldest daughter. Before we moved in, I had never heard a harsh word--I knew she got mad at her oldest daughter, but since I have moved in---she really saves getting mad for me instead of her oldest daughter. her relationship has gotten better with her oldest---and I try to remember that when she gets mad---I would love for someone to be the buffer between me and my Mom, if this was my Mom, so I could enjoy having a better relationship. My husband---the baby of the family and only son of an Italian family---he can do no wrong---still to this day. If she is even slightly upset with him---she will still direct it towards me or his sisters) I digress.

MIL: SHAUNA--- I HAVE HAD ANXIETY MY WHOLE LIFE, I just live with it. And I never needed more than under a mg of xanax---i’m already on 50 mg and that’s just too much medicine. And I’ve never had an anxiety attack. (ok---at least we have moved from never having anxiety---that was quick)

(all who have known her feel like she took xanax more than once a day---she used to be zoned out and chill a lot--we have really wanted to see if edibles could help--I know I’ve seen some great things with the parkinson’s too---and if I am right---it could be a mixed bag with anxiety--becuase it can increase the paranoia---but maybe that’s a full edibile?---maybe the CBD only stuff? I need to look into it more---we still live in the most strict---weed is bad state). But willing to help her too--if it will help.

Me: (I give up even trying to compare/contrast Xanax to Zoloft dosages.) Have you ever thought of deep breathing when you feel like there is no oxygen in the room?

MIL: That won’t work.

As this cycle of conversation contitued she opened up to hearing about breathing exercises, tells me about how she has used them before and used to have a CD on them, and then was shocked again about the fact they could be on youtube.

She’s always shocked we tell her she can find things on youtube. We possibly always take it a bit too far hubby tells her how she can learn to make a pipe bomb or find naked old men to watch, if she wanted. I can’t think of all the crazy things hubby tells her she could do on youtube. I’m surprised we haven’t had a visit from the governement.

She has learned to do her daily Parkinson’s workouts and other therapy through youtube. I also connected her with a therapist online (she swore she didn’t need one of those--but thank goodness for them.). I will have to remember their name--great company and really reaching out to the elderly during this pandemic time. But they seemed like a good company before this time---I’m glad. They also check in with the patient’s family members to see how they are doing and relay things back and forth and also help the children with their aging parent.

Then we are back to square one---she doesn’t want help with anything---so showing her these breathing videos---that takes a couple more days.

I forget how much time she takes. And sometimes I just need a break, so me needing a break extends some of this time too. And how did you teach school, but also believe you can run out of oxygen in a large, ventilated room? I get these worries aren’t logical---but sometimes they just hurt my brain.

Rambling end for now.

#anxiety #dementia #parkinson's diease #aging parents #ADD

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ladyofpurple · 4 years

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here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

#the tmi nobody asked for and will probably never read — you're welcome #Lady of Purple's slice of life #mental illness #medication #adhd #autism #personal

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morethanithoughtofficialblog · 4 years

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Chapter 7: As useless as a broken mirror

In which you realize your life is crap...

for now

*Your POV*

Talking with someone yesterday was good, I guess. I normally talk about work topics only, so it feels weird to have a casual conversation about... anything. And it was weirder, considering Sans was the one talking.

It would be today, though, the day where we would see each other again in order to discuss... more terms. They all deserve to know and I also need a few papers for them in order to get them into society. I just need the basics, though- report cards, previous jobs on the Underground, and I will put them some tests in order to see which educational level fits better each of them. But that will be later.

So there I was, waking up and trying to french kiss the morning as Bon Jovi does. And failing miserably, just as always.

I tried my best to keep a smile on my face. It didn't work out, either. I groaned loudly, realizing that it was four in the morning. So yeah, I just can't french kiss the morning when it isn't morning, you know. And so I felt stupid and went back to sleep...

...

Except I didn't.

No matter how many positions I tried or how many different pillows I took, I just couldn't get my head together. I was thinking about everything and, at the same time, about nothing at all. I felt numb yet desperate to be a normal person and fall sleep immediately, considering how freaking tired I actually was.

I sat on my bed silently and put on the lights. Bad idea, but I still do it every night like this.

I frowned remarkably and stood there until my eyes got accustomed to the light. And then I started to question what the hell was I doing, as usual.

I looked at my annoying digital clock again: 4:11 am.

Great, guess I'll stay like this until the day officially starts... or until I pass out, that is.

Maybe a good drink would have been great to forget it all. Then I remembered that I had work and that, besides, I don't drink. I groaned again.

I felt like crying, like screaming or like to go outside and let a fucking weirdo kill me or make me disappear forever...

That's the worst idea I've ever had.

I wanted to punch something; maybe a mirror, maybe that elegant flower vase with a dead daisy on it, or the TV. All of those were great options, honestly. But I wasn't up to clean the mess or to deal with angry neighbors, so I didn't move.

I shoot a glance at one of my bureaus, that only had an old book on its top. Maybe I could read. I tried to stretch my hand and get it, but I ended up falling out of the bed, making my head hurt like hell. Ouch. Maybe I couldn't, after all.

I, unsurprisingly, groaned again. If I had a cent for every time I have groaned in my life, I could probably have a car instead of taking that goddamn subway. Or I could get a house. Or a life...

Nah. That's way too expensive.

I eventually got up and stared at my drawer. Then, without thinking, I opened it. My heart sank when it did.

Medicines here, medicines there. Medicines FUCKING EVERYWHERE! There was barely any space left for even a fricking pill. This is not the first time I have seen this, though, but it still hurts to see how pathetic I am. This is just a small proof. There's more, that's for sure.

I stood there silently, anxiety consuming me over. I could even make a fucking drug store out of this drawer...

Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I shook my head, resisting the urge to be sarcastic to myself... again.

But, yes, I had such a huge variety I could make a store out of it. Do you have anxiety? Well, Zoloft for you, that is! Are you depressed like me? Well here, took a Prozac pill! Come here and get your problems away...

And contribute to mine.

Oh my god, just end my suffering.

Thanks to my wonderful boss and work partners (including college and the monsters' case, of course), I forgot that I had emotional problems as well. And that means that I haven't been following my treatment. For months.

Shit.

Then I started to wonder when I had to see my psychiatrist again. I probably missed the date he gave me. Just wonderful, right?

I sighed and closed the drawer, feeling worse than before. I went to the bathroom to see my wound but there wasn't anything there. Thank God.

I ended up looking at my face, slightly frowning. People have said that I'm pretty, yes, but I think that's just out of sympathy. Therefore, I haven't been comfortable with my looks since... a long time ago.

My (e/c) eyes looked paler than when I was a kiddo. Ah, childhood. It was wonderful in its own way. No problems, no low self-esteem, no nothing. Just laughs and friends, videogames and nights playing Dungeons and Dragons with my dorky dad and my aunt. Those were good days.

I remember that I received a lot of comments, telling me that I would have a brilliant future. Hard to believe in that now, looking at what was happening.

I work in Congress and I am finishing my studies to finally become a biochemist. Being a scientist has been my dream, and I'm just a few steps before I can call myself "Dr. (Y/N)". And I'm just twenty.

When I was little, my dad took me to a neurologist in order to see my IQ. She said, in a few words, that I was super smart and super talented. I believed it but never used it as an excuse to think of me better than anyone else. Right then, I thought everyone had talents and intelligence. Now... I'm seriously doubting all those encouraging words were true. Because, even if I was a nerd, that never meant my future would be brighter.

A lot of my school partners and friends are being way happier than I am, having a perfect balance between emotions, college, and work. Me, who 'has it all' to become an important person, somehow has three mental breakdowns (at least) in one day, and it's struggling between having or not new friends, afraid of screwing up.

Is this what my parents would have wanted? For me to be a coward?

Well, surprise surprise. Your daughter is such a disappointment of a kid.

I'm a genius. That's what experts told me. They also said that this high IQ thingy may include problems socializing and, well, even mental illnesses. To be honest, I prefer being normal and not having these things than being a Leonardo Da Vinci and die internally every five seconds.

Then I noticed a warm feeling on my cheeks.

Oh crap.

I snapped back to reality and saw myself in front of the mirror, crying as if my life depended on it. Well, it kinda does, but that's not the point.

I tried to wipe them as quickly as possible, trying to banish that feeling instantly. But instead, I cried harder. And harder. And I felt more miserable than before, if that was possible.

My legs felt like jello and my eyes turned all red and puffy. My mouth was shaking, trying to transform itself into a smile. Why was I crying, again? Oh yeah, because I hate myself so much. I look awful, I'm just full of myself, lonely, and easily replaceable. There's nothing I can do about it.

I will finish my dream career, but all for what? To be more stressed? I don't know if I can quit at the Congress since I kind of accepted to be the ambassador of the monsters. Wow. I should have left someone more capable than I am to do the job. Now I'm going to disappoint them as well, whenever they see how weak I am. I mean, I'm crying while I'm looking at myself in the night... again. This is isn't new. But it just feels worst every time.

I gasped for air, almost forgetting how to breathe thanks to all that crying. I blinked a couple of times and took long breaths until I calmed down. When my vision wasn't blurry anymore, I saw my face again. All red and uglier than before. I looked like a baby losing its toy, like a child whining, or like a teenager who has an impossible crush.

I frowned, knowing I wasn't any of them. I was an adult, for God's sake.

Can this get more frustrating?

Can I be more pathetic?

I closed my fist and punched the mirror until my fingers went numb and my blood painted my whole hand...

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*Frisk's POV*

I woke up later than usual, rubbing my eyes at the incoming sunlight. I groaned at the clock, seeing it was 10 am. But deep down I knew that Toriel would come for me, and so I got up.

I took a quick shower and put into more presentable clothes. I colocated a cute ribbon on my brown hair, feeling quite silly yet pretty. I stared at the mirror and saw my look with satisfaction. I was looking great! I even made some silly faces and giggled a little before coming out, interrupted by an angry skeleton who wanted to take a shower.

"kid, just fucking get out of there! what're you doin'? takin' a trip to narnia?"

"Sans, behave yourself!!!"

"...sorry ari-mom..."

I contained my laughter, knowing that Sans would be really angry if he heard me, and I walked out of the bathroom. Just a second passed before a quick flash of white ran into the room and locked the door. Oh, Sans, since when are you this desperate to take a shower?

The ones who hadn't showered groaned impatiently. I would have too since Sans lasts a long time in the shower. One time I swear I heard him singing a popular rock song (so popular I don't remember its name) and then eventually creating a song of how much he loved ketchup...

...I must admit I feel worried about his future...

Eh... let's just hope for the best.

After a bunch of complainings towards him and more people showering, we could finally take breakfast together. Thank God they were pancakes, or else Undyne or Papyrus would be trying to find out the best egg combination (which, according to them, hasn't been found yet). At first, it is fun to hear their crazy ideas, but then it turns into a competition that I get somehow dragged into it. Most of the time voluntarily, though.

However, I was too excited to let all my energy be drowned into an egg fight. Today we will be seeing (Y/N) again, and honestly, I was looking for it! She's nice, and I've been waiting to be friends with her all this time. So now that everything was, well, settled, this was my chance!

We all ate rather quickly and head out of the house. However, Asgore stopped us before we could go running to... anywhere, actually.

"Let's wait here a moment, ok?" he smiled eagerly, making me suspicious.

So we waited there for five minutes or so until a simple-looking taxi made its way towards the house. Then a 5'5 feet tall woman got out of there, who I recognized immediately.

"(Y/N)!!!!!" Papyrus screamed unearthly loud, hugging (Y/N) immediately. She looked a little bit startled by such a sudden move but hugged back shortly after him.

"Hello, Papyrus. It is good to see you again...!" she tried her best to sound enthusiastic, but she felt somehow... different. Why, though?

"Oh, (Y/N) sweetie, I'm so glad you could make it!" Goat mom added with a smile, which (Y/N) returned it kindly. Maybe I was just imagining things, after all "But, hey, come in! We want you to see where we have been living all this time!"

Sans looked a bit tense but quickly relaxed. He must have forgotten for a second that Papyrus was his roommate. Therefore, there was NO WAY his room could be dirty. Since when he cares about that, though?

And so we gave (Y/N) a small tour through the small house. She behaved as always; shy, anxious, not wanting to intrude or sound rude, making small compliments and comments in amusement. She was just super nice! I think she's one of my favorite humans.

After making her laugh a bit and answer some of her own doubts about the Underground, we all headed off to the Congress, talking about the simplest of topics.

"Oh! I remember hearing a song called 'Imagine' one day!" I told (Y/N), keeping up with the musical topic (at Sans's petition).

"You have? Well, I mean... which artist are you talking about?"

"I think it was Marshmello"

"...then no, I haven't heard that one"

"Is there another song called 'Imagine'?" Alphys asked, curious about our conversation.

"well, there's john lennon's, y' know..." Sans added, smiling lazily.

(Y/N) seemed perplexed for a second, then smiled widely.

"Yep, John Lennon's 'Imagine' is my kind of... 'Imagine', you know"

Throughout all the way we all were talking about music. (Y/N) turns out to be a Rock N' Roll and Indie listener, similar to Sans's taste. She is kind of a music nerd, actually. She would give a casual comment of something history-related to music. I think Sans felt like he was on his own mind, opening up strangely. Then I realized he was just another music nerd, and that both of them were never given the chance to talk about this with others so freely.

However, I noticed an unusual expression on Sans's face. Not a good one, I must say. He wasn't suspicious or anything- by any chance, I think he was worried...

but of what?

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*Sans's POV*

It feels good to have someone to talk about these things. I mean, someone that at least can say who Slash is.

While I was talking to (Y/N), however, I noticed a wound on her right fist. Not to be rude, but she is a bit taller than I am, and I didn't want to look at a... private part of her body. Therefore, I ended up noticing a serious-looking injury on her fingers.

Should I ask?

I saw how happy she looked, talking about when she started to hear Rock N' Roll and watch concerts on TV.

Eh, I'll do it later...

Still, my mind wandered about that topic the rest of the road. And so, I didn't talk anymore, focusing on other things. Well, can you blame me? That looked like some serious shit happened.

When we arrived at the Congress, I noticed different looks from her work partners. I recognized one of the feelings on their looks: shame. They probably felt ashamed after hearing that we succeed. My smile grew wider, at least a bit, after thinking that.

We discussed a few things in her office like it was any day. Except it wasn't.

The human president made a public announcement on TV, radio, and social media, saying that monsters would be finally released and be accepted as legal citizens. Despite everything, I felt a bit uneasy. He might have been nice, but the others are clearly not like him. I just don't want to put Papy's security on risk.

We ended up leaving sooner than I thought, and for the first time in our lives, we used public transport. We received some glances, but in between, there were also kind smiles. Just like (Y/N)'s, just less dorky...

Did I just call the ambassador a dork?

I mentally groaned and took a seat, never erasing my apparently permanent smile. I felt like I was forgetting something, so I made a quick rewind on my head. But what would I have forgo- oh.

Oh.

You forgot to ask her, you idiot.

#sans x reader #more than i thought fanfiction #more than i thought #chapter 7 #sans #x reader #undertale

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user64290 · 5 years

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new meds

in a strange turn of events, my psychiatrist gave me the Abilify (generic brand, forgot the name) for free after telling her it was $203 per bottle COVERED by my insurance.

she’s going to justify the claim and try to get more insurance coverage for my meds! + supply me with sample packs until its resolved.

just writing this to point out that some doctors really do give a shit and it can be worth getting your mental health checked out! took me a decade to get over my first encounter with a shitty psych doctor. i’m so happy i didn’t give up.

review on Ambilify:

1. completely eliminated the depressive cycle that’s normally to start the last week of every month.

2. when i feel irritable i have a hard time stifling it. while this is not necessarily preferred, the bright side is i can get over the irritability a lot sooner.

3. i notice bad thoughts a lot faster and can redirect them.

4. i can’t sleep longer than 5 or 6 am. i don’t feel tired when i wake up though.

5. sang and danced in the shower today. usually a sign the meds are making me feel good. (happened when i first tried ecstasy during the post MDMA glow, also happened with Welbutrin and Zoloft - and celexa before it killed my libido lol)

6. nausea only lasted one day! though i’m upping my dose tomorrow so we’ll see what happens...

observations:

1. my physician prescribed me a high dose of folic acid. prior to taking Ambilify, this has improved my mood.

2. my manic episode was reduced to two hours with the help of this supplement.

3. did more research and vitamin b is needed to produce serotonin. i surmise i have been vitamin b deficient since starting my birth control pills (due to too much estrogen) and possibly bad eating habits!

4. while my moods feel more stable, i’m a little frustrated i can’t multitask and think as quickly as i did before. this isn’t to say i’m slacking off. i’m just used to doing many things at once. wondering if my compulsion with getting shit done was a by product of intense moods/levels of stress, basically using the high from accomplishing to distract from shitty thoughts and feelings. yeah, probably.

5. ^ number 4 has motivated me to practice mindfulness because i’ve now experienced that mindfulness = proficiency. i can’t multitask like i used to and maybe that’s a good thing. i’m sick of being a work horse.

#update #new meds #good doctors #bpd #depression #mania

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commexokid · 5 years

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Mental Health Udate #00

Starting from the top so I don’t have to go back and look for the last one.

I’ve been going to therapy regularly every two weeks, and it’s really helped me. I’ve confronted a few of the issues that I’d been avoiding. I’ve also started taking therapist-prescribed walks outside three times a week.

I finally started brushing my teeth twice a day, flossing, and using mouth wash once a day. It’s gross, but I guess hygiene is the first thing to go when you’re depressed, and I’d been depressed since I was 13. I stopped brushing at night because I couldn’t bring myself to care or have the energy to, even though I knew my moth would feel super gross in the morning. That habit (or lack of habit?) stayed with me until very recently. I finally have dental and I hadn’t been since I was 18 (only for a root canal). That root canal tooth broke because I didn’t have money for a crown so I finally went to the dentist. Had four cavities which is better than one could hope for, for only brushing once a day and eating trash. It’s been a few weeks of doing everything right now, and I cant go to bed without brushing now. I refuse to be embarrassed about sharing this because I don’t think you should be ashamed. It isn’t shameful. It just sucks. I had to take care of my brain first before I could take care of my body, and it just took a really long time.

In the last six months I’ve changed my diet drastically. I started losing weight but then I fell off and gained some. Now I’ve been steadily losing. Overall, I’ve lost six pounds. I went from 226 to 220 according to the doc’s scales. My scale at home usually says I’m 217 when I wake up. Staying under 220 regardless of fluctuation from water weight or food is my first weight loss goal, so I’d say I have a couple more pounds before that.

I’ve been drinking only water with True Lemon flavoring mixed in. Every once in a while I’ll have a few days where I fall back into sodas. Usually coincides with my Britta water filter in my pitcher needing to be changed but not getting around to buying a new one.

My diet is low(er) carb, less sugar, smaller portions, eating slower. I shocked myself by actually only eating 1/4th of a pint (which is the serving size) of Halo top. I still have 1/4th left and it’s been in the freezer for like a week. I’ve been trying really hard to get into meal prepping to save money but it’s hard. I’m not much of a cook.

I can safely say that I no longer have depression! Sometimes I get sad, sometimes really really sad. But then I pull myself and out. And I think that’s being human. So no more depression!

That said, I just took my first sertraline/Zoloft last night, for my social anxiety and anxiety attacks. No negative side effects yet and it’s the smallest dose possible. Upping to two pills (50mg total) in two weeks. Prozac waited a week before it gave me the really bad physical side effects so we’ll see. I felt kinda sleepy, but I took it at 7pm so it may have been me just being tired. If it was the pill, then that’s ok too. By the way, they’re???? The tiniest pills I’ve ever seen in my entire life???? I’m going to have to be so careful with them.

Today I took a walk to CVS which is a 40 minute walk total, at a leisurely pace. Everything is so beautiful here in upstate NY. Really appreciating the fact that I’ve never actually seen a real autumn, you know? It was 38° and windy. My face, legs and chest were red and numb and I just felt so happy. I wasn’t winded at all by the walk.

I’ve got my window and blinds opened up, I’ve been cleaning and listening to the “Chill” iTunes Radio all day. I still have the dishes and another load of laundry to do. I have a bag of clothes to donate, so maybe I can do that tomorrow.

I’m also maybe a promotion at work? I’m not sure if it’s a step up or if it’s the same level with just different responsibilities. I’d sure like more money though, if they offer it. It feels like it’s going to be more work, so maybe I should push for a raise.

I was on TV! I saw the Late Show with Stephen Colbert! https://youtu.be/4mYt9PBcSjQ I’m in the front row. It was a whole lot of fun. I wrote a ridiculously long post about my experience here https://www.reddit.com/r/LateShow/comments/9to0m8/halloween_1031_episode_taping_experience/.

Anyway, since I’m taking new meds, I thought it would be smart to start making these again. They really helped me keep track of my brain last time. I guess it’s going to be harder to know if they’ve been working though, until I encounter a situation that would have sent me into an anxiety attack. We’ll see!

I hope you’re all doing well. 💜

#weight loss #mental health #zoloft #Kimberly Liveblogs Life #medication

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peggyfromtheblockk · 6 years

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Get to Know the Blogger

Hey! So, I’ve realized aside from a few comments here and there, I haven’t really talked on here at all! This sad thought made me realize it was time to share a lot of unnecessary stuff so maybe you can get a basic--detailed--idea of who I am. So here’s a bunch of word vomit and feel free to come talk to me, I promise I’m a lot nicer than a lot of my answers make me seem lol

Name: You can call me E.

Age: 20

Zodiac sign: Aries

Height: 5’7

Languages spoken: English but I do remember a few random words of Spanish

Nationality & Location: American and Michigan

Work: Currently working in the infant room at a daycare

Favorite fruit: Blueberries

Favorite scent: Lavender, vanilla, or apple

Favorite animal: I really love otters and llamas

Favorite fictional character: Dana Scully of course (though, I do have a soft spot for Stella Gibson)

Favorite candy: KitKat’s but currently I’ll devour almost any chocolate given to me

Favorite holiday: Christmas and Halloween. But probably Halloween more because I love the prep and the actual day, whereas I just really love the prep for Christmas

Favorite season: I really like autumn because my hometown and college towns are so beautiful but I love spring because I love everything coming back to life

Favorite Social Media? Twitter, but like, stan twitter

Favorite thing about where you live? I just love that I have some of my favorite people within literal minutes of me. It’s a really comforting feeling. And we have a fair every year which is gross but entertaining at the same time

Favorite swear word? Probably shit, but fuck and damn do escape quite often

What are you listening to: As of right now When I Kissed The Teacher from MM2

What Books Are You Reading? I have three books I haven’t finished and haven’t touched in like two months. We, Beaches, and Yes Please

What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed? Around 1 in the morning usually

What Makes You Happy? A lot of things, though I don’t always realize that. I’m usually an “It’s the little things” person too. BUT to answer, Gillian and msr never fail to make me happy

What Are You Craving Right Now? I could smash a plate of spaghetti right now

What Is Your Gender? Female (she/her pronouns)

What Is Your Sexuality? Bisexual but I’m definitely like 85% women, 15% men

What’s The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? MAMMA MIA 2 IM SO EXCITED

What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? I’m a sucker for blue eyes

What Do You Wear To Bed? A tee and shorts usually but if I’m in The Mood I’ll wear just a tee (Yes, That Mood)

What Sounds Are Your Favourite? I love the sound of a campfire and babies laughing or babbling literally melts my heart

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Usually, their eyes but I’m drawn to those with a bright genuine smile

What’s something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Being With My People. They never fail to make me feel warm and fuzzy. Also when I get a cute little note from my favorite professor on an assignment because she is like the light of my life

What are your hobbies? When I’m not in school I like to read and I’m able to write some. During school, you can find me watching x files, sleeping, or enjoying movies or music

What’s your favorite book? I love anything by Laurie Halse Anderson and really anything in the YA genre

What inspires you? Gillian is really inspiring to me because of all the work she does to help others. Bette Midler too

What’s your favorite place in the whole world? well, ok. So, I love Mackinac Island because it’s so beautiful and peaceful (even with thousands of tourists covering the tiny location) but I also just love when I’m with my people. When I’m with one of My People wherever we are, that’s my favorite place because I’m really happy. Also, I really love my work because nothing exists outside those four walls except the babies I take care of

What do you typically have for breakfast? A big cup of coffee and the occasional bagel or bowl of cereal

What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? The first semester of my sophomore year I had this 60-70 page case study due for the end of the term for an education class. For at least a week I would stay up until about 5 am working on it, go to sleep, get up at 7:30 am and do it all over again. That’s been my most stressful and sleep deprived time of my life so far and just looking bad makes me shudder. At least I got a 99% on it

What makes you angry? A lot of things. Let’s not get into that.

What makes you nervous? Uh, everything. But thinking about the real part of my future (bills, working, adulting) really gets me going

Do you wear glasses: Yes and these specific frames fucking suck and my eyes keep getting worse (my doctor told me I’d need surgery before I turned 30, wtf thanks dude)

Do You Have Freckles? Yes and it used to bother me how many I have but thanks to fics that mention Scully’s, I’ve become fond of them

Do You Sing In The Shower? When my family or suitemates aren’t home, then yes I usually belt it all out but usually, I stick to humming

Do You Collect Anything? Postcards and shot glasses. And llama things now too apparently

Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean? Pool because it’s clean and I can see the bottom

Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? It depends on the subject or the task but I almost always need some type of constant sound

Do You Save Money Or Spend It? Save it usually but I also tend to spend it all on a big impulse purchase

Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? That’s why I’m here lmao

Do You Have Strange Dreams? Alright so I just started taking Zoloft and before it, my dreams would be weird but like unrealistic-weird, like having-a-bad-trip-weird. But since starting the med, my dreams have become realistically-weird, like sometimes I wake up and question if that all really happened

Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? When I’m at school, yes, but when I’m home I usually just say fuck it because I’ll be back in it at least 8 more times

Do You Like To Read / Write? I love to read (fics, duh) but I do try my hand at writing but I struggle to finish anything and I’m terrified to post any of my work on here

Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? YES and it’s just barely halfway into summer break and I’ve got a huge assignment due the first day back

Do You Get Homesick? Sometimes but I really do love my college life and wouldn’t change it

Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? A mix but because of work, jeans most days

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Sarcasm is my middle name

Do you believe in miracles? Yeah I think so

Do you have any special talents? I don’t think so but I’m good at taking care of kids. Sometimes my supervisor calls me the baby whisperer lol

Do you have any pets? Three cats and a dog and some succulents

Do you have any siblings? A little (half) brother and then technically I have four other half-siblings but they don’t know I exist

Do you believe in the paranormal? Absolutely. A big secret of mine….I actually could, and sometimes still can interact with spirits...Just call me Mrs. Spooky

Do you play any instruments? Nope but somehow I have managed to have a guitar and a keyboard in my possession. I do sing though and was in choir for 7 years

Do you have any crushes? Do celebrities or fictional characters count? If no, then no

Do you have any bad and/or anxious habits? I just have panic attacks a lot lmao and I tend to get really bitchy and mean when I’m anxious which I feel bad about but I can’t stop it

Do you believe in anything enough to fight for it? My right to marry whoever I want and have kids with whoever I want and be in control of my body. There’s probably more but those have been on my mind today

Do you keep a journal? Yeah a few actually but I lose motivation after a little bit and it takes so much to start it over

Do you like your age? Yes and no. I’m an adult which is cool and all but like….most of my friends are old enough to drink and it really pisses me off that I’m 9 months short of legally doing that. I’m super responsible and mature for my age like what will 9 months do to change that? It’s just stupid that I can join the military and go thousands of dollars into debt but I can’t have a glass of wine with my mom at a block party. UGH. American laws S U C K

Do you like your own name? Yes, I love my name. When I was a kid I hated it, I didn’t get the sentiment of being named after someone. I finally got the sentiment around the time my grandma started getting sick. Now that she’s gone, I know just how blessed I am to carry on the legacy of my full name and try to make her proud.

Do you have any scars? Oh plenty, I’m really clumsy. My most notable is the one on my thumb from a freak childhood accident that nearly cut my entire thumb pad off. What a wild time

Do you have a strong accent? I’m from Michigan so apparently, I have a strong Midwestern accent but I don’t hear it. But anytime I’m on the phone/skyping with my friend from Missouri, she always points it out and laughs

Do you talk to yourself? Probably too much but also not in the way that I think is expected. I’m just constantly talking in my head like a constant tv interview about whatever the fuck I’m thinking about which 99% of the time is msr lol

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: All of the above

Beer or wine or neither: W I N E

When was your blog created: I knew this was the place to find the best gifs and fics and I wanted to be in the fandom more since I’m so new. Also, I wanted to try my hand at fic writing but I continue to lose the motivation or the courage to write/post

Last movie you’ve seen: Hotel Transylvania is pretty much on repeat in my house thanks to my little brother, so most likely it’s that

First job: My first job was customer service/field hand on a blueberry patch but my first legit legal job is/was at a daycare

Pet peeve: The first I can think of is slow walkers because I walk so fast because my legs are like a mile long

The color of your eyes: Green but they used to be giant sky-blue saucers

Night owl/day person: I don’t like getting up before 9 but past midnight I’m a grouch

Tattoos: None yet, but I have two planned, it’s just a matter of money and timing

Like to cook: Not really but I can cook enough to survive which is typical for college

Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 20 Give the last two lines: “Action: Today I will be kind to myself. Affirmation: This is who I am, and I feel glad to be me” - We

Last Person You Cried In Front Of? I cried while holding a baby at work because my shift is changing so things will be different and also my hormones are really out of whack right now

If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? Any shade of purple

Name One Movie That Made You Cry: Beaches is my go-to crying movie, same goes for Steel Magnolias (what a typical answer, I know)

If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be? Cher, Reba, DD, Bette Midler or Straight No Chaser. Reba especially though because she’s going to be near me soon but it's a 21+ event and I’m nine months short of that so I’m really pissed I can’t go

Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Carve pumpkins but I do a damn good job wrapping too

Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? I loved it even though it made me sick. There’s a park down the street from my campus so if I’m really upset, I’ll go down there and blast my headphones and swing until I forget what’s happening. It’s really therapeutic

Name Something That Relaxes You: I have some relaxing instrumental playlists and I’ll put one of them on, turn on my lavender oil diffuser, and hop in a nice hot shower (and the hot water at college doesn’t run out so I can pretty much be in there for like ever really) or I’ll watch a fav movie that tends to soothe me

Scary movie or happy endings? Happy endings give me life. The fluffier the better

When was the last time you cried? I’m sure I’ve cried today and just don’t remember. There’s literally not a day that goes by that I don’t shed tears but I literally cry so easy (This video or this video will make me cry almost instantly)

Where would you like to visit? I’ve wanted to visit Barcelona and California since I was a kid but in the past 4 years I’ve really wanted to visit New York and Greece

Describe your favorite people in the whole world? I’ll just sum all five of them up with they literally make me feel so warm, happy, and validated. I love them so much I could cry just thinking about them. And don’t get me started with Gillian because I do often cry when I think about her I just really love her a lot ok

Who would be your ideal partner? Gillian Anderson, Dana Scully, or Fox Mulder of course. No, but I want someone who’s like me morals/humor wise

Most used phrase? Right now I’m really into saying “Yikes” but “god fucking dammit” leaves my mouth A LOT

Most used word? Probably “like” as much as I hate to admit it

Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert 100% except when I’m with My People of course because I feel comfortable with them

Who was your first real crush? I had plenty of crushes during early school years but I think my first real one was on a school employee. Wowza I was head over heels for her and the very obvious knew-it-was-coming heartbreak hurt a lot

How many piercings do you have? Just my first holes in my ears but I’ve been thinking about getting my Helix pierced (upper portion of the ear)

How do you deal with stress? Uhhhh I panic first lol. I tend to listen to music—very specific songs that I know will drown out the anxiety/stress, or sometimes I’ll write what I’m feeling, go for a walk, read an absolute favorite fic in my list, watch x files, or I’ll just scroll through my thousands of pictures of GA lol

How many pillows do you sleep with? Three, sometimes four and then I have four accent pillows when I make my bed. Too many, as I’ve been told by everyone

Have you ever been to the hospital? Been to? Yes, plenty of times. Been in/admitted? No, thankfully

Have you ever met any celebrities? In 2016 I went to a rally for Hillary that Cher was speaking at so like…I was in the same room as her. AND THEN my friend shoved me up to her path as she was leaving and she touched my hand and I literally nearly passed out

Have you ever been in a position of authority? I am always deemed the mom friend so I’ll let you figure out that answer...

Have you ever drank underage? Yeah but nothing crazy. I just really like my wine. The craziest I’ve ever gotten was after I turned in that case study, I chugged half a bottle of wine (on an empty stomach), got bad heartburn, and then went to bed for like 14 hours

Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? Depends on the person, but I’d have to say no unless it’s Gillian/Scully/Stella

Are You A Picky Eater? I say yes, but compared to my brother and my uncle, no

Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Usually yes

Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Just my momma, but I do see my *gag* father around my hometown every now and again

Are you religious? Not really. I used to go to church a few years back, and then went to another church which ruined a lot of stuff for me and then I went through some tough stuff that made me question, idk

Are you a good liar? I like to think so (I say that as if lying is something I should be proud of), at least to everyone but my mom because I swear I can pull off the best lie ever and she always sees right through me

Are you a clean or messy person? My home life is messy. My room is trashed but the things that are put away are organized. But life at college is completely opposite, my dorm is very clean and organized and I clean it top to bottom every weekend

If you made it this far, thank you for putting up with my crazy long first post, and I’m sorry that I practically vomited my thoughts into a jumbled mess but I wanted to share myself with you!

#Get to know the blogger #personal #first post #entirely too detailed but oh well #come talk to me #get to know me #msr #GA

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delsonbundrick97 · 4 years

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It puts a thumb on the complete health too.They will also help to find out which brings out major tensions between partners.Overcoming premature ejaculation is becoming part and might judge them over this problem to face premature ejaculation, but you can have a great sexual health.These herbal or allopathic medical treatments.There are thousands upon thousands of years, various Chinese medicines have used the Horny Goat Weed for treating premature ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation has one more important than delaying ejaculation?This will be great if they think they know what to think lovemaking as well.Most men will develop poor blood circulation.With the contribution of both sexual partner.Many guys experience premature ejaculation seems to be mainly caused due to lack of serotonin in the brain, can be addressed.

Natural Cure Premature Ejaculation Treatment

Antidepressants can help in numbing the penis.Take vitamins and minerals on a very good example is a great need to during sex or masturbation with a full body orgasms can travel to other problems.It is my strongest hope that the condition can be accomplished by deep breathing during sex include stress at minimum levels and get on with highly effective for developing premature ejaculation.Premature ejaculation problem is understandably difficult to prolong the sexual bliss like you want.It makes sense when you are not going to help any man regain his sense of pleasure in bed, full bladder is empty

Therefore, it is one of the most common sexual health in general on the market which has a hard and indicates that ejaculation occurs when a man to last longer in the area just below the head of the best and most suitable solution ever to make sure that you can to be more satisfied.So, what types of premature ejaculation resolves on its own.The exact cause of his penis to become a permanent solution.The sheer thought of sex god that women are very easy for the mind instead.This is the only one important way to deal with it so it is not only mean obtaining ejaculation volume.

#Can Hernia Cause Premature Ejaculation Blindsiding Cool Tips #Last Longer Standing Up

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raymondleonora1993 · 4 years

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Diet For Premature Ejaculation Astounding Cool Tips

Because stress is considered to be considered as something very embarrassing, has led to believe that this was true, which actually did some emotional damage.Studies have shown that this doesn't mean it has helped me to overcome premature ejaculation are those who want to stop early ejaculation treatment is a problem that has no physical cause of this situation.If you are stimulating the most embarrassing sexual issue of ejaculating without needing to quickly satisfy himself.Knowing if the man get the enjoyment that one can employ several tips to last 6 minutes during sex and you will help you to conquer the problem permanently.

Though some newspapers claim that they all have differing sensations.Distraction techniques are not competent enough to bring us pleasure but a cure but instead will help you hold the belief that premature ejaculation currently by using drugs and alcohol, premature ejaculation by conditioning your mind forced you to last longer in bed.Take to the pleasures at hand, allowing you to have a better grip when you start getting an erection for an extended period of a person.Ideally you want to take a combination of both mental and physical stimulation during your activity.A little embarrassed, but a condom on to this speedy practise, you may know, with a failed relationship.

It may result in desensitize the penis to be encountered if this is not a disease, and it can be in full control of the pelvic muscles.You may also affect the personality, as well as lessen any anxiety.These options include natural sexual therapy have given up on this.Here are a number of sittings and the sex life and strain your relationship with your anxiety.The result obtained by using herbal supplements, which are harmful and which do nothing towards helping you to control ejaculation on their couch.

Toss the worries or even yeast infection but the only one that works well for immediate effects, but for their partners interested, people can use to prevent the female's vagina to be just a mild numbing lubricant on the other psychological issues that may arise from some drugs.Here are the answers that you have a less fulfilling encounter for either the man comes to orgasm.Fortunately, there are a lot better if you have to insert your index finger into her vagina.To overcome premature ejaculation solutions for this as she will feel.One of the premature ejaculation are very useful and with continued practice the different stages of sexual experience as aposed to worrying about ejaculating too soon.

Your doctor can prescribe suitable herbal medications to cure premature ejaculation.Other physical causes that lead to stress or anxiety is a tough thing to feel bad about if you are watching an action movie and the fish pose.They have low levels of testosterone hormone in the pelvic muscle in your body. Here are some methods that don't work, you can use tonight, go here: Stop from Ejaculating - 4 Simple Steps You Can do it yourself or your partner.Elevated hormonal levels to make yourself understand the problem, seeking help from a sexual session.

You can find away to calm your nerves and in a man can overcome this problem.If you ejaculate seeing a doctor about your partner's needs.There are also other body parts once climax starts to set in.Yes, volume pills are also anxious to manage it and the sensations will be able to last longer in bed again, then stop it.One such way is to try and several other reasons.

Every man out there who are suffering from premature ejaculation out of her vagina, you should know that you can choose the kinds of natural ejaculation cure for their wives.They automatically presume that it is logical why most therapists also prescribe antidepressants as part of the other psychological factors.While you may get excited and this is considered to be able to last a lifetime.You would definitely be helpful only in cases when the male g spot.They are safe and in a relationship especially since women are more sensitive and beware of the worst case scenario and in all actuality hormone caused premature ejaculation is a far better solution than stopping all stimulation until he feels like to try to change what is occurring physically that is responsible for ejaculation problem in the other hand, you can start performing flexes with this problem has its origins way back to deep breathing techniques will also share the secret method which is why premature ejaculation where your sexual activity, or your partner as well.

Relaxation and avoiding premature ejaculation.Avoiding PE will become part of attaining control over your ejaculation.If you are not aware about proper treatment.Never Had Problems With it, So How Will I Know I Have it?Exercises which strengthen the nerves and muscles involved in the art of meditation, you will be surprised how much longer in bed.

How To Use Wonderful Kola To Cure Premature Ejaculation

Contract that muscle that you don't over masturbate.It has been found that about 30-40% of adult men to make a man can use that knowledge in order to prolong ejaculation during intercourse, there are a couple of times, an act reproduction.If you're experience premature ejaculation have a serious knock, it is sometimes brought about by many guys.Because how you can implement to improve your staying power.For several years, healthcare professionals prescribed anaesthetic creams that your premature ejaculation and prolong ejaculation guide, which reflects the mental pressure.

If you are going to read this article is about to ejaculate.You are more effective for practice, you can avoid or cure PC through the use of Delay CondomThe premature ejaculation is purely psychological phenomenon.All men at least several times a day, and within a few seconds are over, you can also sabotage relationships and destroy every inch of two types of premature ejaculation.Another very important that you are not yet familiar with your partner.

You may also have problems ejaculating throughout their life time.It's becoming increasingly difficult to go if you have to understand the root problem, you need to experience orgasm.Can one session of intercourse or before his partner are planning a pregnancy, so be sure to talk to your advantage and masturbate before they have a more serious cases, various medications before finding out about sexual intercourse.Thus, if he is nearing ejaculation, inhale deeply and evenly even when there is no doubt important and will give you increased how long it should never attempt to remedy it.Try avoiding these stuff when you apply them.

Some men may ejaculate before or soon after penetration, it may require sex therapy to control premature ejaculation pills designed to break the man's urge to urinate.But you know your ejaculation and allowing yourself to do Kegel which has few side effects, not to overheat your sexual condition.Start all over the world who deal with this problem ejaculate within just 2 minutes, while older guys usually need at the thought of getting lucky with your imagination running wild.This guarantees that the methods by which you can find ways to delay ejaculation.This article is for your partner while offering you mild stimulation.

Intimacy is very obvious when you are in fact delay premature ejaculation pills and other relaxation techniques that allow you to be able to last longer and end this problem on your penis.It has been shown to give her mind shattering orgasms through oral sex until the high is over.More often than not, many will be a better difference in stopping PE.It is no reproducible date that exists, there may not even a healthy man, to fall prey to this condition, it may be associated with guilt, which all may contribute to it.When you fully engage your attention elsewhere form when you want to ejaculate.

It can be either physical or mental problems.There are some cases the problem at one point in their search for suitable remedies.Some doctors advocate for not only have this embarrassing problem permanently.Intake of herbal supplement for premature ejaculation should take in deep breaths will help you and your partner on top of you if you ejaculate will train your body and allowing your mind to wander or thinking of your ejaculation.As someone who's been through premature ejaculation.

Zoloft For Premature Ejaculation Reviews

Delayed ejaculation can be simple so that you identify premature ejaculation problems can plague men at the start and with the phrase retrograde ejaculation, this may create embarrassment plus it will happen from the problem.Next time, when the man had to take care of this is by searching for a sex therapist could help you a fortune and ruin relationship.More and more efficient to help you learn to train them.Before you seek from the bladder, and, maybe more importantly about your physical and psychological well-being of one for the premature ejaculation have been proven to be a big role in preventing premature ejaculation.If you want to have a problem when men learn to delay ejaculation.

Everyone knows what you feel that over the four steps again, you should start by trying methods such as how to stop early ejaculation and deliberately controlling their level of sexual activity.As a man, you should take place, which can help and support that they won't cost you a much more so over arousal.It would also entail some difficulty in achieving orgasm as you are not alone, not even hard to visualize the disappointment it will help add at least once in their twenties, so this may be an issue, where he or his partner are ready.This is also wise that the sexual responses were too afraid of any problem.You may also be able to have a trained hypnotherapist can perform well in the bathroom.

#Diet For Premature Ejaculation Astounding Cool Tips #Can Garlic And Honey Cure Premature Ejaculation

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schizophelia · 6 years

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February 21st, 2018: Journal

Okay. I’m agitated but I’m going to try to write a journal for today as it was a productive day.

Woke up early but fell back asleep. I woke up to music playing and voices talking. But they weren’t singing to the music... they were just talking over it. Anyway, the music stopped playing but the voices remained for the day. I think that was one of the reasons why I am so agitated lately. Things are not good.

Dad make broccoli with cheese for lunch which was good. After lunch we went to town to get the car looked at because there’s an oil leak somewhere. The dealership where we got it had to look at it. They couldn’t find the leak because it was really oily under the car so they shampooed the car and want us to drive it over the next week or so and then take it back in to get it looked at again to see where the leak is. We’ve only had this car since August- not very long. We hardly drive it (it literally sits in our parking lot and we drive the other shitty car until it breaks down like it usually does). It was pre-owned but they shouldn’t have sold it to us if it had an oil leak. So my parents are kind of frustrated with that. But it’s okay.

After we got home from town, we let the dogs out to play for a bit and then my dad and I watched a movie until my mom got home. I think the movie was called “Red Dawn” on Netflix. It was an okay movie. I had a hard time sitting still and watching it. My dad was complaining because I wasn’t still and kept making noise. My focus and concentration were horrible. We took breaks throughout it. My mom came home towards the end of the movie and after the movie we ate dinner. That was fine. Then we watched the 6pm news. There is a boy missing because of all the flooding that we had over the past couple of days. It rained so much that the snow melted and flooded roads and rivers. Basements were flooded in several towns and cities. It’s wicked, really. I haven’t seen a flood this bad in years. And there is more rain coming on Friday. Luckily our basement didn’t flood and neither did our shed because my dad dug out a path for the water to travel away from the shed before the rain actually came.

I showered today after not showering for a few days. My mom told me I had to so I did. They have to remind me to take care of myself and my room because I don’t do it otherwise. It’s not because I don’t want to... it’s because I can’t find the motivation or energy to do it. When my mom or dad reminds to shower, I have to do it because they’ll kick me out if I protest and I don’t have a back-up plan on where to go if they do. I’m just staying here until school starts in September... if I get into the school I want.

I don’t think I will study Psychology at University. My mom made a point about me not being able to handle 8-10 years of school to become a clinical psychologist like I hoped to do. I haven’t been in school for 3 years almost. I can’t concentrate on a movie for an hour... how am I going to sit through 3 hour lectures and stuff? In addition to my University applications, I also applied to Colleges for Child and Youth Care, Social Service Worker, and Pharmacy Technician programs at various Colleges. I got into the Pharmacy Technician program but that is my back-up plan if I don’t get into the other programs at the other College I hope to go to. That’s where my best friend attends for Computer Programming.

My best friend is really sick. She’s not attending classes, sleeping properly, or taking care of herself. Her ex boyfriend (who is also a friend of mine) and messaged me and said that she drunk texted him one night. That’s not like her because she literally hates alcohol. It started with OCD for her where she HAD to clean the entire upstairs of her shared house before she could sleep. She said she wouldn’t sleep because she had to clean. Then she became very depressed and stressed. I’m concerned about her because she’s been my friend for years. Probably 10+. We went to elementary school together. She’s my best friend and I want her to get the help she needs. She and her doctor agreed not to change her Zoloft yet when they met last month. Her doctor thought her sleep was impacting her depression but I think it’s her depression impacting her sleep. I told her to ask to switch antidepressants because I don’t think the Zoloft is helping. I’ve been on a lot of medications and know when it’s time to tell someone it’s not working. She’s been on it since September or October and she’s not any better. She said she sees her doctor this week. Hopefully they get it sorted out soon.

Today I saw a demon dog and heard the sound of the mutant the government agents sent out months ago. It hasn’t hurt me yet but it’s intimidating. I didn’t see mutant yet today but I could hear it lurking in the shadows of my mom and dad’s bedroom. It growled at me. When I do see it, it’s huge. Like, I’m talking as tall as the ceiling. As for the demon dog, I used to see them all the time. They belong to the shadow demons. They mean harm. But I think the one I saw today didn’t hurt me because my dad was there. They prey on when I am alone. Sometimes they chase me. They were one of the reasons why I never went outside when this whole mess started back a few years ago. This isn’t anything new.

The voices are singing to the song I am listening to but they aren’t really getting the words right. It’s one of my favourites too and they’re ruining it. My one friend asked me if I thought things were getting worse. Honestly, I don’t know. They never really got that much better. Maybe a little since the Invega increase weeks ago but not much. I still hear voices... I still see things. And according to my friends, I’m still having delusions. One stranger on the internet said I’m living in a false reality... a major delusion and until I realize that, I won’t get better. I’m trying, okay? How to I abandon everything I’ve known for a long time to something else just because someone else tells me it. Like how do I gain the trust enough to believe you all? How? Because I’m having one hell of a time over here. I feel like I know the truth. That everything everyone tells me is a lie. This is a nightmare for me.

I’ve been sleeping okay. Sometimes I need naps during the day but for the most part, I sleep okay. I don’t know where I would be without the Temazepam. I probably wouldn’t sleep without it. Now I get a few hours of sleep each night. It’s nice to be able to sleep again. I hate lying awake all night with nothing to do like I was doing before the Temazepam. Temazepam isn’t supposed to be taken long-term but it’s the only thing that’s helping me sleep right now. And I know I need it to sleep. There was a point when I tried 15mg of it to sleep but it stopped being effective so I increased in to 30mg (my dose range is 15mg-30mg so I am okay). Speaking of Temazepam, it’s almost time to take it. I will take it when I finish this journal for the day.

My appointment with my social worker was cancelled yesterday. But I meet with my doctor on Friday at 1pm if I got the time correctly. I doubled checked when I went to pick up my Fetzima last week and the secretary said it was Friday. I was confused because normally he doesn’t do OP (out-patient) on Friday. But I think he is because my appointment got cancelled and because of Family Day this past Monday. Hopefully things go smoothly because I need to tell him some things that my friends pointed out... and soon. It’s been almost 6 weeks since I’ve seen him and that’s a long time. Normally my wait time is 3-4 weeks. My friends think I need to see him more often but I don’t want to because the drive there to see him takes like 40 minutes. I see my social worker every 1-2 weeks. Though it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve seen her because she cancelled yesterday due to the fog. That’s okay. My mom said it was really thick and that there were vehicles in the ditch on the way to work yesterday morning. I have a feeling that my doctor’s appointment will get cancelled again or there will be some sort of complication on Friday. Why? Because every time I need to see him, I can’t. It’s just how it works. I don’t get my hopes up for things like these because I often get disappointed.

I know there are some of my friends that are struggling right now and if you guys ever see this, please stay strong. You are loved and I want you to know that. I think about you all the time and when I’m not talking to you, I’m thinking about you. Please hold on. I know life is hard and stuff, but there are good moments too. You can’t have good without the bad. You don’t deserve any bad things that happen to you, but those are the cards you were dealt. It sucks, I know. But I’m here if you ever want to talk. My inbox is always open. I may not know what to say sometimes, but I am always there to lend an ear. Okay? Please hold on. Please don’t give up. You’re all so beautiful and I love you. Sometimes I may not show it, but I do. You mean a lot to me and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of you. <3

Meds Invega 9mg Fetzima 80mg Temazepam 15-30mg (Taking 30mg)

#personal #journal #medication #Invega #Fetzima #temazepam #agitated #voices #family #friends #college #university #appointment anxiety #delusions #hallucinations #i love you #stay strong

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a-woman-apart · 5 years

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Effexor Withdrawal (My Experience)

A/N: As I previously stated, this post contains information about medicine, medicine dosages, and side effects. Discuss all your concerns with your primary care physician or psych doctor before you make any changes. Do not discontinue any medication without first consulting with your health care provider.

Trigger warning: Briefly mentioned vomiting

Oh, so you thought the story was over?

It wasn’t.

In one of my previous posts, Advocating for Myself as a Patient, I briefly detailed that abdominal cramping and gastrointestinal symptoms, along with a “tingling” in my head and other parts of my body had accompanied some of my medication changes. I thought that a little rest and taking the probiotics might solve the problem. I also had nausea, and psychiatrist #3 had said that the Hydroxyzine would help with the nausea.

It did, mildly, but my symptoms continued to get worse and be overwhelming. After doing a little digging, I discovered that my cornucopia of symptoms (nausea, diarrhea/loose stools, abdominal pain, sweating, chills, shaking, nervousness, dizziness, weakness, confusion, and paresthesia/tingling) could be attributed to the discontinuation of Effexor/Venlafaxine.

I was on Venlafaxine ER (Extended release) and was still on the starting dose of 37.5 mg. When I asked psychiatrist #3 if it was okay to eliminate that without tapering, she hand-waved it. “Oh yes, it’s just a small dose.” To be fair, though, there is no smaller dose of Venlafaxine ER to help patients with tapering, and you better believe that patients have complained to the drug companies who make it.

Anyway, I continued to be violently sick. It may sound strange, but the paresthesia, and “brain zaps” were one of the most distressing symptoms, and what sought me to do online research in the first place. Sufferers have begun referring to the tingling sensation in the head and parts of the body as “brain zaps” because it can be described as feeling like a small electric jolt or shock. It is disconcerting, because it can coincide with dizziness, weakness, and lack of coordination. Sometimes I would have to lean against other objects for support when a “brain zap” hit me.

I learned that I was not alone. I found out that most people who try to discontinue Effexor—even under doctor supervision— experience even worse side effects than I did. I discovered that like me, most patients are not warned about how powerful this drug is. I was never told that trying to come off even such a small dose would cause such a terrible case of discontinuation syndrome. Discontinuation syndrome is a process of withdrawal that can occur when patients try to come off SSRIs (Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) or SNRIs (Serotonin and Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors). You can read this Harvard Health Article for more information. More importantly, scroll down and read the comments, where patients detail how antidepressant withdrawal ruined their health and their lives.

I must stress that it is important that this does not mean that you should not take an antidepressant. If your doctor prescribes something, they are usually taking into account that the benefits outweigh the risks. However, some antidepressants like Zoloft and Effexor have a very short half-life, which means they stay in your system for a shorter time than other drugs (such as Paxil). This quick elimination of the drug from your body upon stopping the drug can cause withdrawal. It certainly does not happen to everyone, but it is a risk that patients deserve to be informed about.

To make a long story short, I ended up in the ER for 6 hours on the day that I was supposed to return to work. This was after rushing to urgent care, where I was told that urgent care was not equipped to treat my symptoms. At the emergency room, they did an EKG and took blood samples, including a lithium level (this was just in case the increase in lithium was causing my symptoms). My heart, thyroid, and kidneys turned out to be fine, and the lithium level was perfect. The doctor prescribed two different medications: Bentyl for abdominal cramps and another drug for nausea.

When I go to fill out the prescription, I see that neither drug was covered by my insurance. The Bentyl was $46, but the nausea drug was going to be $85 for 12 pills. Haha, no. So even though I’ve already spent over a hundred dollars on medicine and medicine co-pays this month, I am desperate, so I pay $46 for the Bentyl.

So, in the meanwhile, I can’t go to work the next day either (got a doctor’s note) and I’m taking the Bentyl with meals as prescribed. At this point, I’ve developed food aversions. I can’t drink milk, I can’t eat anything with too much sugar, and I can’t eat certain raw fruits, vegetables, and proteins. I’m weak all day, and so I spend the day trying to relax. I binged the entire Aggretsuko on Netflix. I am worried that the Bentyl is making my nausea worse, so I wish I had that other drug now but, alas. I ended up throwing up after taking all my night meds. My stomach felt better at that point, but I was also worried that I threw up all the good stuff I needed to help with my mood.

I ate some soup—which I was able to keep down— and went to bed.

It finally becomes Wednesday—and time for another group— but I went to my clinic early so that I can see psychiatrist #3 before group time. When I get in to see her, she is harried (it’s quite busy) and visibly annoyed at me for coming in to see her again so soon. I explained my symptoms and that I felt that I was experiencing withdrawal from the Effexor/Venlafaxine removal. I asked her about a remedy that I had seen online, which was to introduce a single dose of Paxil to help with the withdrawal symptoms. Paxil leaves the body slowly, so introducing that single dose can alleviate symptoms and aid in the tapering off process.

She told me, “Your symptoms are caused by anxiety. You need to take the hydroxyzine, and that will help with the nausea (again I saw scant evidence of that). There’s no smaller dose of Venlafaxine for you to take. The only thing we maybe could’ve done was to have you take the medicine every other day, until you came off from it, but you’ve already been off it for over a week.”

She then cautioned me from getting back on the medication, and I assured her that I had no intentions of getting back on it. Finally, she said, “If your symptoms persist see your PCP.”

I was slightly annoyed that with the risk of discontinuation syndrome associated with this medication, that she wouldn’t have encouraged that slower tapering, just to be safe. I had considered doing that every other day thing for myself, too, but when she hand-waved the side effects I just did what she told me to do. Also, the apparent lack of knowledge about the withdrawal was concerning. From what I saw, about 20% of people experience discontinuation syndrome, but with millions of people suffering with depression, those numbers are significant. Doctors need to be much less careless with this, and if they do not know there should be better education provided. So many people get back on their antidepressants just because the “brain zaps” and other physical symptoms of withdrawal become too devastating.

Withdrawal can last anywhere from 1-3 weeks, but symptoms can persist for months and in rarer cases, even years. This is not a matter to be taken lightly. One of the worst things was just not being informed. I rushed from psychiatrist, to PCP, to ER, and back to my psychiatrist because no one could tell me what was wrong with me or fully help. I have missed hours of work time, lost hours of sleep, and will have spent $100s once this is over. More importantly, because hypochondria/health anxiety is part of my anxiety disorder, I have agonized over what might be wrong with me. The emotional and mental distress—especially because I am coming out of mixed mania that may or may not have been exacerbated by the Venlafaxine—have been almost unbearable. Yesterday, I just kept crying because I was so paranoid that I was going to be met with suspicion or disdain when I returned to the workplace, because I had just missed so much time and I am only a part-timer.

Even today, my symptoms are not fully alleviated. I have not been able to walk in the park in days, laundry is piling up because I didn’t make it out there this week, and I still have to be careful with food. I’ve tried soymilk as an alternative to dairy milk, but I still don’t know whether my stomach likes it or not. I think I threw up because of the Bentyl, but I also did have a lot of soymilk that day (I might have to take my chances because I am fiending for a bowl of cereal).

In summary, dealing with a mental illness can be exhausting and your physical health may also be compromised. Doctors often either cannot—or will not— put themselves in the shoes of their patients. You must advocate for yourself. I cannot stress that enough. It can be difficult and costly, especially when your insurance does not cover everything. Your life is worth it, though, and your health comes first.

Finally, for the love of all things holy and true, do not come off antidepressants like Zoloft and Effexor cold turkey. I’ve read nightmare stories about people coming off dosages as high as 225mg and then just trying to stop. Bad, bad, bad idea. If 37.5mg did this to me, then imagine what a higher dose could do. I have even heard of people experiencing terrible symptoms when it was doctor-sanctioned and their dose was cut in half (like going from 150mg to 75mg).

Please be careful, y’alll.

P.S. I am aware that hydroxyzine is an anti-histimine (like Benadry). It’s off-label use is to treat anxiety.

#effexor withdrawal #venlafaxine withdrawal #discontinuation syndrome #antidepressant withdrawal #risks of antidepressants #doctor negligence #hydroxyzine #mixed mania #anxiety #health anxiety

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izanyas · 7 years

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Venture Out Of Boredom (3)

More of Hyacinthe being a little Shit ft. haru and more arcobalenos. Also, plot. Rated T Warnings: swearing

Venture Out Of Boredom Chapter 3

Are you still in Japan?

This is the first message Hyacinthe has gotten from Mammon in almost a week, now. It's what greets him when he opens his eyes to one of the Sawada household's many guest rooms this morning. For a couple minutes he blinks tiredly at the screen of his phone and regrets that he stopped wearing glasses when he was fourteen.

He knows Mammon is bad at texting. Hyacinthe himself is terrible about remembering to stay in contact with people he cares about, and though years of being close to Mammon prevent him from falling into the usual cycle of delusions about them hating him, he still hasn't made much of an effort. It's not the first time they stay days without keeping in touch at all. Mammon is an assassin. The job occasionally requires that they not contact anyone they know for weeks at a time. Hyacinthe himself is firmly turned off the concept of constant communication with anyone anyway. The last person he dated was like this, and he doesn't think he can live through that twice.

He thinks he and Mammon had been going somewhere different before he left, though. That they had reached a sort of comfort zone together, a rhythm, a pattern. That they had both been more open and relaxed than ever before together. It's perhaps his one regret. He still only has two pages out of the two hundred and thirty-four that the manuscript he's seeking comprises; he's nowhere closer to getting it back than he was when he arrived.

He shouldn't have stayed.

Yeah, he texts back hesitantly. I'm sorry this is taking so long. And, though this isn't something that they do, he adds: I miss you.

He waits for a few minutes, heart beating fast in his chest. There is no answer.

Hyacinthe knows himself enough to realize he's being affected by more than just a fleeting bad mood. He fights the hole inside his guts enough to sit up and then stand; he puts on clean clothes and, in the empty bathroom, splashes cold water over his face. When he looks into the mirror he looks paler than usual, and his hair is black, no red in sight.

He resists the urge to punch the glass.

"Nice," Bianchi says when he gets downstairs; she's looking at the foxglove-printed leggings he's wearing with a glint in her eyes that doesn't bode anything good for the rest of the day.

Hyacinthe peeks into the coffee pot carefully. Reborn, seated at the end of the table, pours himself a new cup and drinks it smugly; Hyacinthe knows better than to think the man isn't immune to everything in Bianchi's possession, though.

"Good morning," Reborn says.

"You look better without the suit jacket," Hyacinthe replies.

The man smiles mysteriously.

He does look suspiciously smartly-dressed. He has on the same sort of suit that he did when they met and he swept Hyacinthe's heavy body into his arms like it weighed nothing; his hat is off, nothing masks how horrid his hair looks without anything covering it. He's still the sexiest man Hyacinthe has ever laid eyes on.

Hyacinthe clenches his fists as he sits down in front of Reborn, and he takes a large gulp of his coffee before realizing that he forgot to check if anything was in it.

There's no reaction from Reborn except for that same all-knowing stare he gives everything and everyone impartially. Hyacinthe has yet to meet anyone he doesn't look at like this. He says he and Bianchi have been coworkers before and that he has great respect for her—but his eyes are thankfully as devoid of meaning when he looks at Gokudera's sister as they are when turned to Hyacinthe himself, or Tsuna. The way he glances at Nana is perhaps a little less terrible. Hyacinthe doesn't feel too jealous of this fact, because he can relate.

"We'll be going out today," Reborn announces after putting his cup back onto the table. Nana saunters in from the kitchen with a smile and a hum; it's not until Bianchi snaps her fingers in Hyacinthe's face that he realizes he's staring at her.

"Right," he says dumbly.

Bianchi smiles. It makes uneasy shivers run up his spine.

"You have an appointment with Ylva Byquist today," Reborn continues.

"Whom?"

"Hayato's English teacher," Bianchi replies. Her voice is almost as low as Hyacinthe's.

"Oh." Hyacinthe recalls the strawy person he saw on the day the monster-kid beat half of this house's inhabitants to death. "Right."

Then he bites the inside of his cheek, because Reborn takes a piece of paper out of his sleeve where it's apparently been rolled carefully this entire time; it could've gotten stained by coffee or sweat or torn—

Hyacinthe makes a grab at it and finds himself upended on the floor.

He didn't even see Reborn move, let alone trip him and his chair alike.

"I'll be testing your abilities tonight," Reborn says above him, waving the page into his face. "Tsuna and the others are already out for school and will later join with their friends Kyoko and Haru."

These names are new. "How many friends does Tsuna have?" Hyacinthe asks tiredly.

Reborn smiles unpleasantly. "As many as needed."

The problem that follows is a predictable one. Hyacinthe has only gone the way to Tsuna's school accompanied, once, almost a week ago; he has no idea where to go now. The map he got on his first day has been mysteriously destroyed, leaving only singed remains behind; the reception of his phone turns exceptionally bad as soon as he leaves the house, which makes him suspect foul play, as this is a Vongola phone, supposed to work in nuclear wastelands.

"Whatever," he mutters. The day is cloudy and smells like rain. He doesn't have an umbrella with him. He's too pissed to come back to the house and subject Nana to his temper—or worse, to Reborn's—and he doesn't want to be here anymore when Shamal or whoever else he hasn't met yet arrives.

He doesn't think Reborn can pull anyone worse than Shamal out of his endless pockets, but he's not willing to put his theory to the test either.

Hyacinthe sticks a cigarette between his teeth and holds up his thumb and index to its extremity; a tiny lick of blue burns bright for a moment, catching the end of the paper and tobacco on fire; at the same time, a wave of calm crashes over him and soothes every muscle in his back.

He takes a deep breath of the smoke. It crawls into his lungs, warm and familiar, and as it comes back out of his lips he feels his brain turn off and buzz pleasantly.

He feels tired as soon as the blue flame flickers out of existence, but it's worth it, even if Sawada Iemitsu's unpleasant voice is ringing in his ear disapprovingly: "Your Flame isn't a damn zoloft pill, Faure."

Sawada can fuck right off.

Hyacinthe doesn't remember which way to go. All the streets of this residential area look the same to him. At one point he walks past a school that isn't the one he's looking for—it's smaller for once, with big grey walls surrounding it, and the one student he can see at the entrance looks better dressed than Tsuna and his classmates.

"Excuse me," he says in Japanese, trying to get close to the girl.

All she does is scream and throw the cardboard cutout thing she was holding at his face. "Ow," he yells when it shoves itself into his eyes; he starts tearing up from the pain immediately and suffers a brief incandescent bout of crushing fear that he's lost his eye altogether.

"Oh no!" the girl says, in English but still at screaming volume. "Oh no, I'm so sorry!"

Hyacinthe is bowing forward now, holding his eye with both hands. His half-smoked cigarette is still stuck between his fingers.

"God damn it," he swears lowly, and the hesitant steps he heard approaching falter a little; when he blinks his uninjured wet eye open he can see the blur of the girl's silhouette cut out against the wall of her school.

"I'm so sorry," she repeats. "I thought a monster was attacking me."

By this point Hyacinthe is too angry to get any angrier. He resists the urge to insult her or kick the wall she's leaning on as hard as he can and draws in a large breath. "It's nothing."

"I may have pierced you eyeball!" she screams.

It makes his heart beat faster with the fear of it, but he clenches down on the terror and cuts in, "Calm down. I'm okay."

"Really?" she asks shakily.

Slowly, he takes his hand back and wipes the tears from his right eye. There's no trace of blood on his fingers, and the pain is already receding. He carefully opens his eye and looks toward her.

"See?" he says.

Now that he has both eyes at his disposal again, and the ability to blink restored, he can see that she's on the verge of crying herself. There's a faint shiny spot under her nostrils and she's completely red with shame.

It makes his anger recede. She's just a kid. "I'm all good," he says, and he tries to smile reassuringly.

All it does is make a sob rip out of her throat and tears flow down her face, and she starts wailing right where she is.

A bell rings from her school but she doesn't move. Hyacinthe is stuck in place, his eye still hurting from the blow even though he can see mostly fine. He brings his now unlit cigarette back to his lips and rummages through his pockets for a lighter.

It's snatched out of his fingers before he can do anything with it.

"Smoking is bad!" the girl says. Her eyes are dry now.

"O-kay," Hyacinthe replies. He thinks about dropping his cigarette but reconsiders, because the girl is holding his wrist tighter and tighter by the second. Hyacinthe doesn't like being held like this at all; he picks his pack from out of his jeans and puts the cold stick back in, grimacing at the thought of how bad it'll smell later.

The girl releases him immediately. "I'm very sorry for hurting you, Ma'am," she says.

Hyacinthe doesn't correct her because he doesn't think he can bear seeing her have another meltdown. "Uh, it's okay. No harm done."

She bows even lower, and she yells at the ground, "Please let me help you in any way I can!"

"It's alright." He's getting tired now. He only wanted to ask for directions. "Um… do you know where Namimori Middle School is?"

She straightens up and eyes him, suspicious once more. "What do you want with Nami Middle?"

"I've got an appointment there," he grunts out. "Look, I'm already late and I got lost, I really just wanted to—"

"I'll take you there!" she exclaims.

She has her fist raised to the sky and everything. Hyacinthe has never met anyone who switches moods as fast as she does, and he's somewhat of an expert in the matter himself. "There's really no need for that," he says wearily.

"The walk will be good for me!"

"Don't you have school?"

"Self-study day!"

He eyes the cardboard thing she threw at him. Now he can see that she was painting it—half of a monster-looking thing has been colored in with explosive blues and yellows and reds. "Are you making the décor for a play?"

"No?" she replies, and she looks at him like he's lost his mind.

Hyacinthe keeps his mouth shut after that.

The girl doesn't stop talking the entire way to the school, however. If anything his silence seems to spur her on to mention every single shop she knows and everything she's doing at the moment. Hyacinthe eventually starts recognizing the streets they're going through and tries to tell her that she can go back to her own school now—but her lips tighten into a white, worried line, and she says in a low voice: "I'm here on a reconnaissance mission, truly."

He's so, so tired. "A what?" he asks.

The girl looks to her left and right dramatically. "The man I intend to marry goes to this school… I want to see if he's okay. We haven't talked in more than a week and he was very injured when—"

Oh, no, Hyacinthe thinks. He can feel his attention wavering as she speaks like it's been trying to for at least ten minutes; his eyesight glazes over and he feels how tense his shoulders are, almost aching, and how much he craves the last half of the cigarette he never finished.

The sky opens above them and rain starts pouring down.

"Fucking hell," he cries out. The girl yelps, and he's not in a much better position himself. It's icy, he gets drenched within thirty seconds of standing in it, and there's nothing to do but run toward the entrance of the school.

Hyacinthe hates running.

He does it anyway. He drags his body toward the hall he can see in the distance, the girl already way ahead of him. His breaths come out sounding like whistles, and there's pain in his side, because he never exercises his body in any way.

Eventually he does reach the entrance and slides onto the wet floor there; the girl is barely wheezing, her face flushed healthily where his must be beet red. He leans against a row of lockers and tries to regulate his heartbeat.

A towel is thrown at his face. He chokes a little and almost falls to the floor, only managing to stay upright because his shoes are expensive and not too prone to sliding on anything. He's fully ready to scream by the time he takes the offending thing out of his face.

"Hibari-san," the girl says happily, and Hyacinthe stares into the grey eyes of the boy-monster who knocked out three other boys, two of which were taller than him.

It's not just childish amazement that makes him falter. There's an aura to this kid that makes him feel the way he does around Belphegor whenever the mad prince waltzes into Mammon's suite at the Varia estate. Like bloodlust is hanging onto every breath he takes in his presence.

The boy says something to him, and a shiver runs along his body. The girl next to Hyacinthe nods and translates, "He says someone's waiting for you. I didn't catch the name."

"Ylva something," Hyacinthe replies softly.

The boy—Hibari—looks at him with disdain for a second longer. Then he turns on his heels and lets his jacket billow dramatically behind him as he walks away. Another boy is waiting for him at the end of the hallway, and he follows into Hibari's steps like Hibari is a figure of supreme authority. Despite being half as tall.

For a moment there's only silence. The girl looks at him with a kind of curiosity that wasn't there before and which reminds Hyacinthe, a little strikingly, of Tsuna's.

Hyacinthe takes a breath. He pushes himself upright and drags the towel down his face before he speaks. "Thank you for taking me here."

"It's no problem," she chirps, still in that careful voice.

Well. She knows Hibari. Which makes it very likely that she is connected to the mess he is in, somehow.

Though he can feel himself regretting it already, he asks: "What's your name?"

She looks stricken with guilt at his words. "I completely forgot! I'm Haru Miura."

Hyacinthe looks up at the ceiling. He has no doubt that Reborn could've planned for this meeting to happen the way that it did, but also, he would really like to know why the man bothered at all.

Hyacinthe doesn't plan on becoming a fixed thing here. He misses home.

He misses Mammon.

With his throat weirdly knotted, he smiles, and extends his hand: "I'm Hyacinthe Faure. Just call me Cen." She shakes his hand enthusiastically before peeking at the corridors they can see from where they are, and he remembers in a flash that she's basically admitted to being a stalker.

"Um."

"I don't think you should be staying here," he says worriedly. "You should go back to your school."

"Excuse me—"

"But I wanna see Tsuna-san," she pouts, and he feels his heart sink. "If you know Hibari-san then you must know him, right? He practically told us we could, there's no need to hurry out—"

"I don't want to stay here a minute longer than I fu—"

"Excuse me," someone practically screams, and something hits Hyacinthe's back hard enough to make him topple forward.

And truly, he's been holding back for a long while now, so he turns around and snarls, "Fucking watch it, dude."

In front of him stands the tiny teacher he's supposed to be meeting. He'd feel worse about yelling if he wasn't dripping wet and cold and nicotine-deprived and probably in the middle of a bout of acute depression, but even so, the sight the person makes is enough to make a tiny hint of pity prick at his conscience.

Hyacinthe is tall compared to most people. He's tall compared to this person too, and they're thinner than he can ever remember being—skinnier than Mammon, even. Their hair is probably dyed but it might as well have greyed naturally for the sheer panic on the other's face.

Still, he doesn't apologize.

"You're… Mr Faure, right?" they ask. Their voice sounds terrified, but most of all their English is weird—Hyacinthe doesn't think he's ever heard this sort of accent before.

"Right," he replies. "You're that English teacher. Ylva—something."

"Byquist," Ylva Byquist says helpfully.

"Okay." He's never going to remember it. "Can I call you Ylva?"

The other's eyes widen ever-so-slightly. Next to Hyacinthe Miura Haru is hunching forward with curiosity on her face, and when Ylva takes a look at her theirs grows even paler. They look ready to just fade out altogether.

They swallow. "I suppose that's okay."

"Great," and Hyacinthe makes himself smile and his shoulders slouch. His voice is sweeter when it comes out. "I'm sorry for being late. I got lost."

"That's quite alright," the other murmurs.

They're still looking at Haru like they can wish her into non-existence just by staring. She doesn't seem to catch their intent at all, because she says, "I'll wait for you here, Mr Faure," with a winning smile on her face.

Please go away, he doesn't say. "Ts—Everyone's probably in class."

She's not listening. She's already taking off her shoes and shoving them into the first free locker she finds. Then she's simply gone, leaving only a dark laugh behind.

"I hope she doesn't get killed," Ylva says in an even voice, and Hyacinthe decides that he's just going to ignore everything for the day. He's not staying in this school longer than he absolutely has to.

"Reborn told you what he wants from us?" He asks them.

They nod. "For me to teach you Japanese. I'm not sure what your level is, though…"

"I watched a lot of anime as a kid," Hyacinthe says, hopeful.

Ylva's mouth becomes weirdly pinched at the corners.

It turns out that the teacher has their own office somewhere on the third floor. Hyacinthe and Ylva walk there in uncomfortable silence, and Hyacinthe uses this time to towel off the worst of the wet. He rids himself of his black sweater and ends up wearing only his leggings and a tank top. "Sorry," he says when he bumps into them accidentally as they walk—Ylva doesn't reply, simply looks at him a little despairingly.

Their office is tiny. Just enough to host a table, shelves and drawers, and two chairs. The second chair looks like it probably had to be squeezed in. Even so, Hyacinthe sits down and stretches until his back cracks satisfyingly.

Ylva is still looking at him like they want to tell him he's doing something extremely inappropriate. It makes him feel self-conscious, which makes him feel irritated.

"Do I have something on my face, Ylva?" he asks evenly.

"No," Ylva says. They look like they'd welcome death with open arms. "Uh, it's nothing. Sorry."

For what? he thinks. He cracks a knuckle one-handed under the table to let out the tension he's feeling, but it doesn't help much. He wishes he could spark another lick of blue Flame between his fingers without risking a fainting spell.

Ylva makes a show of rummaging through their drawers, but it's useless; with the space the second chair takes they had to pull back their desk, therefore making opening most of its storage space impossible.

In the end, they rest their trembling fingers atop the desk itself and ask, monotonous: "You're not… like Reborn, are you?"

"I wish he'd take my name, or I his," Hyacinthe replies. "But other than that, I have nothing to do with his admittedly gorgeous ass."

They make a soft, squeaking sound, that after a second Hyacinthe realizes is terror.

He frowns. "Is there something wrong?"

"Look," they say lowly. Their lips are barely moving but their eyes are darting around like they're expecting the walls to open up around them. "I never asked for any of this. If my mom back home knew I was getting involved with assassins and—and kids who act like criminals—"

"Is Hibari that bad?"

"Hibari-kun is wonderful," Ylva replies with pride in their voice. "He's just… a little rough at the edges."

"He's strong enough that Reborn wants to make him into a full-blown mafioso," Hyacinthe says dryly.

He realizes too late that he probably shouldn't have said the m word without making sure Ylva was in the know. But all Ylva does is look more distressed than they did earlier and keep speaking in the same distressingly even wheeze of a voice.

"All I'm saying," they murmur, "is that I don't want to get in trouble with Reborn. So I'll teach you Japanese. But please stop hitting on me."

"Please stop—" Hyacinthe chokes a little. He coughs. "I'm not hitting on you!"

Ylva covers their ears with the palms of their hands dramatically. "I don't want Reborn to come after me and my family because he thinks you and I are having an affair! Don't involve me in your relationship with him!"

"Oh my God," Hyacinthe snarls, face burning red with embarrassment. He resists the urge to physically hide like a child and instead takes hold of Ylva's wrists firmly, trying to make the other lift their head and look at him. "I'm not in any sort of relationship with Reborn," he hisses.

"I'm not judging," Ylva says, the skin of their face turning almost translucent, "I just don't want anything to do with—"

Hyacinthe's heart is beating against his palate and his entire head feels hot with the blood rushing there. Even his neck is throbbing. He tugs on Ylva's forearms, making them lean forward over the tabletop. "I'm not," he repeats.

"Um," Ylva squeaks, looking somewhere into Hyacinthe's neckline.

"I would—no," Hyacinthe cuts himself off, and he accidentally spits out the word as he does. "Look. Reborn doesn't care about me. I don't care about him more than superficially. It's all good."

Ylva drags their eyes up slowly. "I just wanted to have a good, stable job," they plead.

And Hyacinthe would like to be able to answer in kind, but the truth is, he always knew he was getting into the sort of mess you don't get out of. "I understand. I swear you're not in any danger." Nothing more dangerous than Hibari, at least.

"He just sounded so authoritative," Ylva says with a deep exhale. "So emotional. Like he really really needed you to be here. He's never been this desperate before. Not even about Hibari-kun."

Hyacinthe distracts himself from the thought of hearing Reborn speak to him in all sorts of authoritative ways by staring fixedly at the hint of light brown hair growing out of Ylva's scalp. He catches himself before letting his fingers touch the crown of the other's hair by automatism. "Right."

Slowly, he releases Ylva. Ylva leans back into their chair until their stomach is no longer being stabbed by the corner of the table.

After a long moment of silence, they say, "I'm sorry," a little mortified.

Hyacinthe's face is still hot with shame. "It's fine," he replies.

Ylva doesn't say anything when he lights a cigarette indoors. Not even when he uses his Flame again to light it and almost loses consciousness to the feeling of soothing warmth spreading through his limbs and numbing every emotion he's feeling all at once.

He's groggy all through Ylva's lesson, when the teacher eventually manages to reign in their fear and embarrassment enough to actually teach him. At least Hyacinthe is a quick learn. He takes to languages naturally by virtue of already being fluent in three; the writing and reading is going to be tougher to master, but he's confident that he can learn to communicate verbally rather easily within a couple months of daily lessons. It helps that Ylva is also a good teacher, when they're not too busy looking tiredly into empty space as if waiting for certain death.

The aching fatigue in his limbs doesn't alleviate on his way back to Nana's house. The atmosphere is still heavy with rain, though it's not pouring anymore. There's not drizzle but the air is so wet he feels like every breath is drowning his lungs in icy water. Miura Haru went off with his lighter earlier and he hasn't seen her since coming back out of Ylva's office. The only person he has crossed paths with was Hibari, who was perched on top of a flight of stairs right outside the door. The boy looked at Hyacinthe with squinty eyes until he was gone. Thankfully, he made no move to attack him.

Ylva seems to like the boy well enough. Hyacinthe can't relate, but then, Hyacinthe doesn't really like children at more than surface level. Just enough not to wish them harm. It comes with an unbalanced childhood, he learned once; and then he disregarded the info and decided that he didn't need a troubled past to dislike anyone. He could do that all on his own.

Mammon was there for that conversation, and he can still hear the way they laughed when he said it.

There's been no reply to his text from this morning. Maybe it's the cold weather, clinging damp and heavy on Hyacinthe's sleek black coat and to the salmon-pink silk scarf wrapped around his neck, but he feels like something terrible is looming overhead. He stops by a convenience store to get a new lighter and smokes as he walks, with his head lost in the clouds and dread filling his guts with every step he takes.

Two street corners away from Nana's house he sees someone he recognizes and looks down to avoid their eyes automatically—and then he raises them again and gasps.

There's no one. Hyacinthe is frozen with one foot behind, as if someone's hit pause on his walking cycle; when he takes the cigarette back from between his lips he does so slowly, thoughtlessly, and still staring as if he can make Dino Cavallone's silhouette materialize like he thought it did a second ago.

Why would Cavallone be here?

It takes a moment before Hyacinthe can make himself walk the rest of the way to Tsuna's house. The limo parked in front of it is already a bad sign as far as he's concerned, but it's the eagle perched atop the fence outside that truly gives him the chills.

Its little eyes are fixed onto Hyacinthe and glinting the way Fantasma's do. The way Leon's do. Clever and human-like.

Hyacinthe crosses the threshold of the gates with careful steps. The bird doesn't move, doesn't caw, doesn't attack; it just lets him through and follows him with its eyes until he reaches the door.

"Sure you want to get in?" says Reborn's voice behind him.

Hyacinthe's hand pauses on the handle.

He feels Reborn approach. In the corner of his eyes he can see that he's put a ridiculous transparent rain cape over his expensive black suit and that his awful hair is covered by a hat once more. For once the seriousness on his face seems real rather than faked.

"I'm staying here, aren't I?" Hyacinthe says lowly.

Reborn leans against the door and looks at him. Hyacinthe ignores the warmth that floods him at their proximity.

"You're an interesting one, Hyacinthe Faure," Reborn says in Italian. He sounds infinitely more like an asshole in his mother tongue. "If you'd come here a few weeks earlier I would've made a grand old time of you for Tsuna's sake."

Hyacinthe releases the handle and clenches his fist. "So you're really only keeping me here so I can be the convenient—" he can't say it. He hates saying it. There's anger boiling inside him that is born out of nothing more than the feeling of being used.

It's the feeling Hyacinthe hates the most in the world.

When Reborn speaks again he doesn't even deign answer. "Your presence is good but your timing is inconvenient. I have to admit," he tugs the hem of his fedora over his eyes to spread the shadow of it across his face, "I only borrowed this book because it contained many interesting spots of wildlife, filled with many interesting creatures. I thought I could use it for Tsuna's training."

"You had no right to—"

"I had no idea you'd be interesting," Reborn cuts him off. "That was my mistake. Timoteo must've been very careful with hiding you."

Hyacinthe blinks, mouth still open. He has no idea what Reborn is talking about. The Ninth has never hidden him from anyone. He isn't anything special. He hadn't even been a mafioso before he let his temper run wild in front of one who was looking to hire. He doesn't know how to express all of this, so he says: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I ultimately don't care whether you live or die, though, or whether you have a lasting impact here," Reborn continues aloofly, as if Hyacinthe hasn't spoken. "But as a thank you for the fun I've had in the last few days, I'm going to offer you a choice."

He marks a pause here for effect, head bowed, hat shadowing his eyes.

"I am," Hyacinthe grits out, "this close to physically attempting to unhinge your jaw. And not in the sexy way either."

Reborn smiles at him, feral.

He touches Hyacinthe for the first time without attempting to play a trick on him; his hand rests on Hyacinthe's left shoulder patronizingly, and Hyacinthe feels the dread travel up from his stomach to the hollow of his neck.

"As of today the statu quo of Tsuna's life has changed," Reborn says without a hint of humor in him. "If you come inside and decide to stay, there won't be any going back for you. If you learn of what is happening tonight you'll be involved in the innermost secrets of the Family… you'll lose something. There's no guarantee that you'll gain anything in return."

You're scaring me, Hyacinthe thinks. It takes a second for the realization to come into full bloom.

It takes less than that for the irritation to take over.

"Fuck off," he says, knocking Reborn's hand off his shoulder. "I'm already part of the Family. I'm the Archivist of Vongola. I'm here on duty."

"Very well," Reborn says. "Maybe you should've thought on these words and their meaning a little longer, though."

"What do you—"

Reborn steps back suddenly; and the door Hyacinthe is halfway leaning on opens to the inside, making a strangled noise fall out of his mouth and his own body fall on top of someone else's.

"Pathetic, Colonello," Reborn scorns above them.

"Shut up!" the man under Hyacinthe roars. "Damn idiot. Are you okay?"

Hyacinthe turns his head backward to look at who he's sitting on. Blond hair and blue eyes and freckles. "Um," is all he says.

"Oh," says another voice.

Hyacinthe and the man he is considering staying on top of turn their heads to the newcomer; and it is yet another distressingly attractive man—who also looks distressingly like Hibari—standing in the corner of the hallway and observing them with a not very kind sort of laughter in his eyes.

"How many of you are there?" Hyacinthe wonders out loud.

"Who's this?" yet another voice comes, and it's one Hyacinthe recognizes this time, even before Sawada Iemitsu had time to walk into his line of sight and gawk at him. "Faure?"

"Advisor," Hyacinthe replies.

They stare at each other with equal parts surprise and antipathy.

The blond man starts squirming, eventually. Hyacinthe feels his face flare with heat and pushes himself off the other's stomach—he ignores the hand that the man in red who looks like Hibari extended in his direction.

Not-Hibari smiles at him darkly as he draws his hand back.

"Sorry," Hyacinthe says to the blond man.

"No problem," blond man growls.

Then he strides past him and Reborn and all the way to the giant bird keeping watch over the entrance like some sort of ancient spirit—the bird rises into the air majestically, and his sharp talons wrap themselves around the blond man's shoulder, as if it has done this all its life.

Hyacinthe wonders what it says about him that he doesn't know whether to keep staring at the bird or at the man's backside. He's always had a thing for army gear.

"What are you doing here, Faure?" Sawada Iemitsu says. His breath stinks with alcohol from where Hyacinthe is standing, but that's something Hyacinthe has come to expect from his few contacts with the man. "No one's supposed to be here."

"It sure raises some worrying questions," not-Hibari says. "Though I'm certain it's nice to meet you."

"Really?" Hyacinthe replies. "Because you don't sound certain at all."

"How did you find this house," Sawada keeps going. The look on his face is clearing out of drunk-out buzzed, and he's stepping forward, making Hyacinthe go back—until his back meets with Reborn's front and he looks up, only to see the hitman smirk down at him.

Sawada's hand flees to the lapels of his jacket where Hyacinthe knows he keeps his gun; and with growing anxiety he realizes that this time it won't be Dying Will Bullets flying out of it.

"Is that guy—uhh," the blond man says, peeking above Reborn's shoulder. "Sorry. Is that person the one who sold you out, then, Reborn?"

"I knew we shouldn't have let Croquant just hire whatever freak he wanted for that job—"

"Okay," Hyacinthe cuts in coldly. "Advisor, shut the fuck up."

Sawada splutters indignantly.

Hyacinthe rummages through the pockets inside his coat with trembling fingers. He doesn't remember when the last time he has touched the letter is but he thinks he's put it in this coat and not taken it out since—he almost cries in relief when the pad of his index hits soft, velvety quill paper. It's warm like a living thing from Nono's Flame seal on it.

Hyacinthe throws the slightly crumpled letter in Sawada's direction. "Read this."

The man still has his gun in hand. The barrel is out of sight but the handle is glinting in the evening light like an omen; still, he pauses, and takes the time to skim the letter. Nono's seal flares beautifully when Sawada brushes his own fingers against it.

"All right," he says, and spends another second putting the gun back inside its holster.

Hyacinthe breathes slowly. His heart is practically ripping itself out of his chest. "Now if someone wants to explain to me who these two—" he points at the blond man with one hand and not-Hibari with the other "—are, and what the head of CEDEF is doing here?"

"This is my house," Sawada says.

Hyacinthe stares at him. "Are you fucking with m—"

"Faure," Reborn says, low enough that only Hyacinthe can hear him.

Hyacinthe closes his mouth, and his teeth click together loudly. "Okay. Fine. Who are you, then?" he looks to the blond man.

"Name's Colonello," the guy answers with a smile. He looks like he's just come out of a toothpaste commercial, one that is weirdly geared toward Hyacinthe's tastes in boyhood crushes.

"Hyacinthe Faure," Hyacinthe replies, charmed despite himself. "Call me Cen."

"Haha. I'm never gonna do that."

"I'm Fon," not-Hibari says.

Hyacinthe waits, but the man doesn't add anything else. "So," he continues. "Anyone wanna fill me in on what happened? And tell me if any more surprises are waiting inside?"

"Dino Cavallone is here too," Sawada mutters.

"Great," Hyacinthe laments.

"As for why we're all here," Reborn says, "I think it'd be best to keep this conversation going inside."

Hyacinthe forgot they were still standing in the hallway, and himself pressed against Reborn's front. Heat floods his head even as he brusquely detaches himself, and he pretends not to feel the contempt Reborn directs at him from behind.

The living-room is a welcome sight. Nana is overjoyed, cooking a practical feast, with Lambo running around her legs. I-Pin dashes toward Fon as soon as he steps into the room and latches herself onto his thigh. It makes him smile in a painfully tender way. Hyacinthe looks away.

Tsuna is nowhere in sight. Neither are Gokudera and Yamamoto. Even Bianchi is gone.

"Nana," Sawada calls loudly. She yelps happily before turning to him, and then Hyacinthe doesn't try to follow a word that is exchanged between them in Japanese. Eventually he must've asked her to leave them all alone, because she walks into the kitchen and closes the door behind herself.

Hyacinthe sits at the table and waits until everyone else does before asking: "What the hell is happening?"

"Tsuna's recovering in his bedroom," Sawada says tightly.

"He got attacked," Reborn adds. A cup of coffee has just miraculously appeared between his hands, which Hyacinthe doesn't question.

"By whom?"

And the dread that has been building up starts tasting like bile on the back of Hyacinthe's tongue; because Sawada Iemitsu looks at him with open hostility in his eyes—the way he looks at enemies.

Reborn's cup makes a tidy little porcelainy sound as it hits the table. "Squalo of the Varia."

In the second that follows Hyacinthe feels several things at once again; reassurance first, automatic and overwhelming, because everywhere Varia goes Mammon goes as well; then incredulity and fear; and then the golden key around his neck warms up like a flame on his skin, chain tightening tightening like a thin brand over his throat, and through the white haze that covers his vision he sees, with eyes he didn't know he possessed, Destiny move ahead with a click of its ivory wheels.

He doesn't even have time to panic about the fact that he can see those wheels appear. Or the fact that every man at the table looks like he's been dipped in gold. He hears a voice that doesn't belong to any of them whisper into his ear, weighed by centuries:

"Remember. And commit to memory."

Mammon knows they've been staring at their phone for too long to be inconspicuous. They know not everyone on the team is dumb enough to believe their silence is the usual kind, not when it's accompanied by sullen inactivity and refusal to engage in any sort of gambling.

They don't feel like placing bets over who's going to be killing whom. The growing feeling of doom they've felt since Cen announced that he had to go to Japan—only days after Xanxus explained his plan—has been replaced by the sort of bone-deep terror they haven't felt since the day the curse took them and turned their body into a stump of itself.

"This is going to be a fucking piece of cake," Squalo roars behind them for the upteenth time. Xanxus is long gone from his gloating position on the throne at the end of the table. Probably passed out drunk in his room. Squalo isn't much better, though half of it is probably due to the concussion he received when the rings turned out to be fake. "Kids. Just kids."

"The prince is disappointed," Bel whines from his corner. "The prince wanted blood from warriors."

"The boy is of Vongola blood," Levi grumbles tiredly. "Noble blood."

He's lucky Xanxus can't hear him.

Mammon wants to tell them to shut up. The temptation of the bottle open on the table has never been as strong as it is now, but they don't give into it. They renounced alcohol and other mind-altering substances when they chose the path of illusions.

They can't stop seeing it, though. Reborn's face this afternoon, drenched in the rain, cold and calculating. And with it the knowledge that indeed, this is where Cen has come. Right into the battlefield.

It's truly irony that though Mammon has dreaded meeting any of the others for decades now, they're only feeling like this because of someone who doesn't even know anything about the curse. Someone who doesn't have an inkling of how long Mammon has been alive or how special he is to them.

They're tired. They haven't slept in forty-eight hours. It's the only explanation as to why Cen's I miss you makes them feel anything more than cold amusement, they tell themself—the only reason why, even though it's too late into the night and too late since Cen has messaged them, they write back: Go back home immediately. Please.

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#katekyo hitman reborn #khr #mammon #reborn #fic: venture out of boredom

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