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#also there may be fewer than 50 people at my wedding which tbh. not bad.
fractallogic · 3 years
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Hello moving and $$$ bullshit is, as usual, making me incredibly anxious (it’s still going to be fine even if we get ZERO! honeymoon tithings from rich relatives, but oh man is it going to be Rough Going before I get paid, HOPEFULLY with my first installment coming at the beginning of September instead of the end of September (but also probably at the end))
As I calculate it, I will have to drop close to $6K on security deposit and first two months of rent ALONE before I get paid regardless of which property I choose (and gets back to me)
Also moving (at least $4K, $3k of which is reimbursable, at least... but not until Sept 1) (note to self: keep receipts to deduct from taxes)
Also honeymoon (hello rich relatives pls pay for it thanks) (will they also pay for moving costs. Is that something I can put on my registry)
Also whatever other bullshit is happening moneywise, like fucking July’s rent and having to board Artemis for a month (and lol they ONLY TAKE CASH)
MEANWHILE I’m just fucking trying to exist and reassure the member of the household who has actually gotten a paycheck this month that everything is going to be fine AND ALSO reassure myself of that AND ALSO trying to remember other details that I’m forgetting, probably (like contacting the towncar rental place I requested a quote from, and getting the address of our Denver Airbnb from scone, and contacting the other houses that I applied for, among other things)
#I understand but not super appreciative that now is the time dad is encouraging me to pay my own way for things#dad this is like the one time that I CANT#my last paycheck was at the end of may and it was $800.#I am DYING#everything’s gonna be fine. it’s gonna be fine! it’s gonna be fine.#I just need to take a propranolol and go to bed#because I’m also sleep deprived and have a headache so everything feels a million times worse#I’m very sorry scone I am trying to think sexy thoughts but my entire being is on shutdown hibernate mode#and I know that you say it’s fine but I have Trauma about this and it’s ALSO making me anxious#aaaaaaanywaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy#just want to be smooth brain no thoughts#even during my ‘nap’ today I couldn’t sleep because I kept jerking myself awake#I kept dreaming that I was throwing tennis rackets over the fence at the courts in the park#need to get the boy in my bed. but. to cuddle and tell me everything is fine.#I’m trying not to do the Anxiety Shutdown but it is very hard#also wait a minute stepdad said that he and mom would help with honeymoon since they didn’t for the wedding#okay that might be better. I’ll feel better if that can show up in my bank account/registry.#also there may be fewer than 50 people at my wedding which tbh. not bad.#but ugh it’s partly because the mom of a family friend is in hospice and so obviously they no longer know if they can make it#I just want to BE AT the stressful party. make it stop causing me stress please and thank you.
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