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#also truly i am so fuckin proud of myself and how i am physically and i dont think that
emmythespacecowgirl · 7 months
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I just found your content and I love it! Wondering if you could please do a pacific ship for me? I am female, she/her pronouns, interested in men.
I'm really strong-willed and opinionated, and not too afraid to tell people. I am very caring and can be emotional at times, especially when it comes to the people I care about. But otherwise I'm blunt and have really dry humor. I can be really stubborn and a lot of times awkward around new people as I'm a bit more on the introverted side. I tend to either not care at all or care too much when it comes to people.
I enjoy writing, hiking, gardening, and in general being out in nature. I'm a very homestead minded person and enjoy learning how to do things for myself, like how to crochet or grow a vegetable or raise chickens. That is, when I have time for it. Otherwise, I work as a nurse, and I enjoy the aspect of helping others when they need it the most.
I am 5'3" tall, curvy to chubby body with an hourglass figure. I've got pale skin with light freckles all over the place. Long, straight dark brown hair and dark brown/green eyes. Full lips, fuller face, just a more romantic body type in general. I tend to dress in baggier clothes as I am a bit insecure about my weight and especially my arms. I am working on losing weight but it's definitely a long process.
My personality type is INFJ. My biggest pet peeves are people who don't pull their weight when it comes to helping others and also chewing food really loud. My love language is physical touch, with a healthy sprinkling of words of affirmation. I am an August Virgo (don't know my other two signs, but that's my main one). I am also a proud Slytherin.
Thank you so much!!
Hi dear! Sorry for your wait! I’ve been extremely busy living life the past couple months 😊
I ship you with: John Basilone from The Pacific
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Ship theme song: Marry Me, Archie by Alvvays
I could easily see you two meeting at a training hospital for nurses in California while John is training up recruits
He seems you and is immediately stunned by your beauty
He thinks your curves are so fuckin hot
He makes a pass at you and you don’t really seem to care at first
Until the second time when he formally asks you out
And then you take it seriously (even if you were pretending not to be a bundle of nerves)
Your personality types definitely seem compatible
I would imagine that John is either ENTJ or ESTJ
So that balances out your introverted tendencies and your feeling function
As he gets to know you better, he falls fast for your strong-willed personality and your opinionated takes
That being said, he also loves your soft and tender side as well
It inspires him to be more gentle in dealing with personal matters
He loves to kiss your sweet soft lips
He could do it all day long if you let him
He hates when people bullshit and waste time with flowery words
Which is why he loves your bluntness and dry humor
He knows you tend to be introverted and that dealing with people initially can be tough for you
So he apologizes profusely when you first meet him big Italian family
(Im Italian too and I would also apologize lmao)
He’s really good for you because he knows how to show you how to not give a fuck what other people think about you
You can teach him how to truly appreciate nature and all it’s natural beauty
He’s always wanted to try to grow a windowsill pot of oregano
Just like his Nonna did
You are able to show him how
And he is forever grateful
He really admires your pioneering personality
Like you, this man is very much a slytherin
Try to convince me otherwise
(You won’t ;) )
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zxvtrpnljhfdb · 10 months
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I fucked up BIG
I had my usual rant all prepared for the afternoon when I fatfingered it. I hadn't blocked my ex on my main account so that they could communicate with me about their dog, who's staying in the apartment while they're out on their....... whatever staycation.
The detective was supposed to be by tomorrow, but they were able to come out after I got off work. So they served my ex with the warrant for the computer, but I don't think they were necessarily able to get a warrant for the hard-drive, which my ex took with fOr SoMe MySteRiOuS rEaSOn.
Anyway, just before they came through, my ex had stopped by to get the dog. They forgot their keys??? I've never seen them forget their keys. I just gave them the leash, dog attached, and the dog did the rest.
Finally, about an hour ago, their new plaything brought the dog back. She is seriously sick. I hope it's not contagious.
Anyway, so my dumb ass was all crowing about how amazing my life has become--I have a stable employer, I've had a really stable living condition. I don't think my partner necessarily meant to give me that self-esteem boost, but I deserve it. We have had money to pay rent every single month. And in large part, I owe that to myself. Now, there were a few months where she did carry us herself. She does deserve that little credit. Those few months were awesome. This place was so fucking clean. There were even a few months where we both worked. Not at all sure where the fuck all that money went to.
I was also stupidly, stupidly crowing about how the fertility situation was actually good, I'm just concerned that the sperm was bunk.
Then, like I mentioned, I mentioned the cops coming to literally solve our dispute over the computer. It was mostly coincidence that she was apparently coming back, keys in hand, to supposedly return the dog, and she ran into the cops.
I put all my fucking cards out there in this stupid blog post. I can't fucking believe she got it open or up so fucking quick. All I can fucking hope is she navigated away from it before she could record it. But that's a slim hope.
I have been so fucking sleep deprived this week. I'm really happy between the depression and my hormones, things are going better for me physically, because otherwise these last few weeks, I'm not sure how I would have been able to handle things. In the about hour between the time they called to say they were on their way, and the time they arrived, I actually passed the fuck out and I was so fucking groggy when they got here.
The camera gal took pictures of e v e r y t h i n g. And I am not even remotely proud of how this place looks, it is abso-fuckin-lutely trashed. It is so embarrassing. It's still gonna be a dump when I'm fully out.
I filed a TRO. Between this and the CSAM issue..........I see soooooooooo many hours in court in my future.........
That my ex finally blocked me is of truly cold comfort. It is not that hard to make up new accounts to keep an eye on people. Even if I cut and dyed my hair and posted a whole entire thing about a negative pregnancy test, I've shown that I can apparently lie pretty goddamn well when I feel unsafe. Or, sorry, apparently, according to my ex, I don't feel unsafe. I'm making it up for attention.
False, but, potayto potahto, right? I have plenty of reasons to feel unsafe around my ex. I'm no longer of any value to them with someone more malleable and with more money around. They've pointed a gun at me so many times, but like hahaha like funny don't be so serious take a joke. Her first response when ending it was to clear out the bank account of my money. Money that I earned. Money that was supposed to go to rent and utilities for the person who earned it. Instead, she high-rolled her fucking vacation with it. But oh, I guess she really needed it more than I do.
So yeah, this high likelihood of pregnancy could turn out to just be really good evidence that the engines just need some actually functional sperm and she still wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't be safe.
So I at least need a restraining order.
Anyway, I need sleep. With this level of stress, I probably am going to have to try again later. With all the fucking harassing and lying and bullying, I wouldn't be surprised if it did get fertilized but my uterus was just like, nope! My eyes are struggling to focus so I'm out
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maerenee930 · 3 years
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really random thoughts. 😅
cw/tw: lots of swearing, mentions of depression, anxiety, derealization and depersonalization.
this is a long and kinda rambling post. thank you to anyone who does read all of this 😅💙
i honestly and genuinely want to apologize in advance for how vain, self centered or narcissistic i sound in all of this. i promise you that it’s not my intention at all to be like that or come off/come across like that. 😓 i just wanted to get these thoughts and feelings out cause i’m actually kinda proud of myself and wanted to share that. i truly hope all of this makes sense (not just this little rambling nonsense, but everything below as well) and thank you so much to anyone who reads this 💙 it really means a lot to me and i genuinely appreciate it! 🖤
idk what exactly came over me a few weeks ago or what particularly sparked a change in me, but it was like this big wave washed over me and i decided that from here on out, i’m a bad-ass bitch!
like for real, i fucking am! i am the baddest mother fucking bitch there is!
i am stunning and despite all my flaws and in my own eyes, i am fucking perfect!
are there things i still have to and want to work on for myself? of course there is.
do i still have some growing to do and a lot of things i still need to and want to learn about myself? oh, for sure!
but i’m still going to do what i need to and so i can keep growing, learning and working on myself for myself and still realize that i’m fucking amazing!
like i have a big heart, a genuine and kind soul, i’m a loving and caring person, i’m passionate, feisty, fierce, funny, crazy, loud, weird and amazing and there’s nothing wrong with loving myself and realizing my worth again.
it’s been a very long time since i’ve felt like this about myself and i’m so fucking proud that i’m getting back to that mindset 💙
and while my mental health is still a work in progress (it honestly will always be a work in progress. just like i will always be a work in progress. there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s just apart of life ☺️) and the past week i’ve had moments where i have felt pretty depressed, very anxious and my derealization and depersonalization has been really bad and i’ve made myself feel like some of the people i absolutely love and adore haven’t wanted me around or don’t like me, (i fully realize that’s just all of those issues working together and not facts) i know that i am more than loved and wanted.
i not only know but truly feel and believe that i am worthy of unconditional love!
not only from those that i crave love, appreciation, attention and affection from, but i’m also worthy of unconditional love, affection, appreciation and attention from myself. you know?
like it’s okay to love myself and not be ashamed of that or feel like i have to feel bad for loving who i am or what i look like.
and i know that the people who love me for who i am will always be there for me when i need them because i’ve surrounded myself with genuine and unbelievably kind, loving and loyal people and people who are like me.
and i know not alone. no matter how much my brain wants to and tries to convince me that i am, i really know that i’m not 🖤
also if anyone wouldn’t mind indulging me just a little bit longer, i just want to take a minute and say HOLY FUCKIN SHIT!! i’m actually kinda beautiful 😅
since i’ve dyed my hair red, it’s like i was reminded how great i feel about myself and how truly stunning i feel with my hair being this color!
it’s like it also reminded me of how just besides loving my hair, i actually really love how i look!
i’ve started to appreciate a lot of my other physical features 🥰
i mean ngl, i’ve always loved how my eyes look (i love the hint of green that i have in them 😅🥰) and my freckles 😅☺️ but idk, it’s like i’m starting to appreciate my curves again, my thighs, my stretch marks, just all of the things and everything i’ve been insecure about for so long.
and it’s reminded me of my beauty on the inside as well.
idk, i just… while i’ve been kind of struggling mentally and emotionally, it’s like no matter what i’m thinking or how i’m feeling, i know that i’m still a badass mother fucker! and anyone would be lucky to be with me and i’m worthy of people’s attention and affection and it’s okay to accept and let myself truly believe compliments when they’re so kindly given to me, and the person i end up with is gonna be really lucky cause, i am a god damn catch!
i’ve really missed this part of me. and i’m very glad that i’m getting this part of me back 🥰
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dangan-happy · 3 years
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(Having no self-control makes you a tough galoot, like me!)
To Taka, Mondo, and Gundham maybe?
ESS WHO JUST HAD THEIR FIRST FUCKING KISS!!!!!!.... and date (safely, with masks and properly sanitized) - BUT YOU TELL ME WHICH ONE'S MORE IMPORTANT- GOD FUCKING J E S U S I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I- FEELINGS- BAD WITH EM- WORDS TOO- Also found out I'm touched starved and touchy- I just- I like hugs- hug me- WOFJFNDJCKGHOBBNNENF-
I'm just... so happy- overwhelmed- very overwhelmed- after we dropped him off home, I legit shit bawled- All day was so awkward, I feel so STUUUUUUUPID- But hey.. we had fun, so that's cool, not gonna go into how I'm clingy and desperate for physical contact, and how I felt like I deserved none of it and felt weird that he didn't really initiate anything, like hand holding. I'm always the one to initiate (when we used to spend time together), It's just weird, I'm a chick, he's a dude, usually the dude is the one to take charge- I just feel stupid and like I'm forcing things when I go to do something, I don't wanna make him uncomfortable- SORRY I'M RAMBLING, ANSJOCOV- anyway, Today was great, aside from the.. mm- But we had a lot of fun- and firsy kith- Can I just have a hug? Thank you :)
Sure, you can have a hug, kiddo! I’m super fuckin’ proud of you, and you shouldn’t worry about being clingy or shit, ‘cause if it really bothered him he would let ya know! I ain’t too sure about the awkwardness side, I guess ya just gotta wait it out? It can get a bit awkward sometimes but ya usually get over it after a while. But, hell yeah, Anon! You got your first kiss! And, it’s good ya used masks and other shit, ‘cause as much as first kisses are great n’ all, it’s not worth risking your health for. 
Well done on getting ya first kiss! Keep goin’ kid, you’ll be fine!
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Hm. A first kiss you say? Truly, a magical moment for young mortals. I must say, I am proud that you were safe while doing it, and that you enjoyed it.
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I do not need physical affection myself; in fact it disgusts me, but there isn’t anything wrong with being clingy of affectionate, as long as you aren’t overbearing and smothering them.
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Allow me and my Dark Devas to congratulate you with a hug. I wish you and your new relationship to be long lasting and happy.
~
You may indeed have a hug anon, I am glad to hear that you are happy that this monumental moment happened for you. Being clingy is not a bad thing, I promise, as long as you do not overdue it!
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Some people don’t like having clingy significant others but if that were the case for you, he would have said something to you. Or shown a sign that he was uncomfortable at the very least.
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Thank you for following safety protocols, it’s an intense time currently and we all need to be as safe as possible!
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comfeyworks · 4 years
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Alastor writing/ Character ref sheet
NOTE: This is MY interpretation/ notes of my characterization of Alastor. Most is speculation and the other parts are just me having fun imagining what his character could be like. This is no way meant to be official or taken as cannon in any way.
A wonderful user by the name of dolly moon complied a lot of information from Viv’s streams. I’m referencing some of the information here so please check them out, they did a fantastic job making notes.
Warning: Contains talk about murder, cannibalism and other possible triggering subjects.
General
---NAME: Alastor--- Died: 1933 Age: 30′s Occupation: Former radio host and serial killer. Currently powerful overlord in hell
Main Personality/ notes
Always smiling (He sees people frowning as weak)
Sadistic
Charming and charismatic
Very proud( puffed out chest, arms behind back)
He's controlling/ does things his own way
Careful! He's not too braggy, or too forceful/ demanding. Ex: Viv stated in her qna that the pilot was originally going to have Alastor boast about himself and his backstory. Instead vaggie narrates his backstory. She changed this because Alastor wasn’t the type of person to flaunt his achievements. He knows that everyone knows how powerful he is, he’s not the type to rub it in. He's supposed to be charming, but still proud, juuuust in the right way
He knows what he wants, but doesn’t necessarily brute-forces his way to get it. Ex: "He-" "-llo!" He KNOWS he's getting in hotel regardless, but waits for Charlie to open up the door before invading the hallway.
Deceitful; When asked why he wants to help out at the hotel, he says: "Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself!" 'This is what you can think my reason is...' is essentially what he's saying. He answers Charlie’s question in a roundabout way that givers her what she wants to know while still keeping his true intentions secret. Time and time again, he lets his mask down slightly when Charlie isn’t looking. At 24:10 he narrows his eyes when she has her back turned to him At the beginning of his song he distracts her with magic so he can push Vaggie away. When he says “...And it’s just laughable-” during he reprise he turns away from Charlie to say this, he leans down to Vaggie.
He’s a hypocrite (hates being touched, invades other’s personal space)
Watches people do things the hard way and then reveal he can do it once it's done just to watch people fuck up
DELIGHTS in watching people failing/ struggling to do things. He likes observing people/ sinners as they are battling with their conflicted emotions.
He’s curious (He stopped by the ‘radio shack’ place to see what Charlie was talking about on the broadcast, and cocked his head when she started singing. To me that meant, “Oh? What’s this now? Something new?” he was intrigued and wanted to know more)
He analyzes people. He looks at the Magne family portrait when left alone. You can briefly hear him playing Charlie’s “Inside of every demon is a rainbow” song, and smiling.
He picks up on things quickly. Vaggie makes it clear she doesn’t like the idea of him being there, and he messes with her. He puts his elbow on her and pushes her away ( 20:44-20:48) He pulls her chin up and tells her to ‘smile’
He’s egotistical. No one is really ‘up to his level’
He gives verbal and physical affection constantly throughout the pilot, but it’s not genuine.
Likes being unpredictable
Primary drive:   Decisions are weighed in his own wants/ feelings. He wants to be amused, he chases exciting/ entertaining things. Think of him as like a cat chasing a mouse.
Fears: He doesn’t fear anyone. But is wary of powerful threats. He dislikes dogs Physical Expression: He’s VERY, VERY expressive through his body language and eyes. Large/ easy to read emotions can be perceived through his body language (Leaning towards someone, or leaning away). Smaller/ pinpoint emotions can be read through his eyes and type of smile (Wide eyes, squinted, closed vs open smile, etc.) He’s like a bird, fluffing out his feathers constantly. (He fixes his hair briefly at 24:41) He expresses himself proudly. ‘This is who I am, remember that!!’. Viv said the reason why almost all of characters have nicknames is that a soul’s real name is dangerous, its a way others can have power over you. Yet Alastor uses his first name, because he’s not scared and confident in who he is as a person. He doesn’t hide from any aspect of himself. I’ve stated he hates being touched by others. When he picks up Nifty in the pilot, she poofs out and spreads her limbs out. At 25:41, Alastor turns his head away from her briefly so she doesn’t touch him.
Flaws/ Weaknesses:
(Note: Basically anything already stated can be a problem depending on the situation, I’m just saying things about his character that he’d find weak or naturally cause problems)
His mother, he’d do anything for her.
He has a darker/ more powerful demon side to him where he runs purely on instinct/ primitive emotions.
He’s arrogant. This can cause problems!
---
Killer/ moral compass profile (Living)
Motivations:
Thrill Killer- Pleasure from pain
Slight power/control aspect involved as well.
‘Causes’
Childhood trauma (abusive father)
Environmental factors (mother died when he was 18-20)
Type of killer: *Note: I’m still not 100% satisfied with this part, I might make some changes later*
He won’t just kill anyone. They have to meet a certain list of requirements.
Viv compared him as someone similar to Dexter
He’s a very goal oriented killer. Whatever he did it was with reason and purpose, meticulously planned. Ex: Maybe one year he’d kill someone who was a real jerk, to see how the others around him flourished. Likewise he might kill someone who was important to the community just to see how the grief made everyone react.
He was a very careful killer, he ended up dying purely on accident, bad luck.
He killed for the fun of it, pure joy, excitement, curiosity. But he only killed people he thought deserved it.
He considers what he does to be ‘work’. He expresses in the pilot how after decades in hell it’s become ‘mundane’ and ‘aimless’.
The victims had to be overconfident to some degree.(This ties into the ‘he wouldn’t chase his victims.’ They had to be somewhat full of themselves or naive)
Some kills are personal (Someone wronging him, trying to hurt him, otherwise he just wouldn’t care if some guy is an asshole) but others are just because he feels like they’re bad/ they’ve have done something that they need to die for.
He used ‘personal’ ways of killing people. (Knife, his hands). I don’t think he would have used a gun of any kind because of the noise, but he could have once every blue moon.
Generally doesn’t draw things out for too long ”...If I wanted to hurt anyone here... I would have done so already.” (He defeats Sir Pentious in under a minute. But still takes the time to crush him and drag his body across the floor.)
He ate people, and knew how to make delicious meals out of them.
Buried his victim’s bodies/ remains on a hunting ground for deer.
Morals
No human is pure or kind just because. They’re selfish beings. Who take and act to help their own causes. Everyone is a monster on the inside. “...redemption, the nonexistent humanity!”
Everyone puts on a mask to hide who they truly are. Life is one big game to see who can survive. “...the world is a stage! And the stage, is a world of entertainment!”
People don’t change “...there is no undoing what is done.”
Puts himself first, and above everyone else. He also degrades others. “I don’t think there’s any hope left for such loathsome sinners...” ”Inside of every demon is a lost cause, but we’ll dress them up for now with just a smile!” “...and show these simpletons some proper class and style...” “...do I know you?” “You think I’m [husk] some kind of fuckin’ clown!?” “...maybe!”
People deserve the consequences they get for being themselves “...the chance given was the life they lived before, the punishment is this!”
He understands what society views as good and evil, but doesn’t really believe in those standards himself. What is considered evil he just views as a hobby or something fun to explore. Ex: Cannibalism is wrong by society’s standards, but to him he thinks the greater wrong is killing something and not making use of it.
He has some level of empathy. (Again, He’d never kill a child or those running away.)
People’s emotions are a fun little game to him. “...I want to watch the scum of the earth struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip, and tumble down into the firey pit of failure!”
Doesn’t see value in being nice or honest. (He does find it funny to watch)
Other notes/ hc
He’s knowledgeable. In more ways than one. He knows not to fuck with certain people if he doesn’t want to get hurt, he’s got knowledge on the workings/ operations of hell and deal-making.
Likes to cook
He likes bitter things (Bloody meat, alcohol, black coffee)
He’s got a party side to him.
He speaks french!
He plays musical instruments
He knows how to fight without his powers
He’s an only child
He’s part creole
He hates silence, he always surrounds himself with noise of some kind.
Husk and Alastor have a long, complicated relationship
He does things to make Nifty happy (Wearing sweaters)
He’d go out into a hurricane just to let it beat him down for fun (Why is this so funny to me)
Despite all he is, Alastor is capable of having friends and loving.
Has absolutely NO romantic experience.
He hates modern technology in general, but hates tik tok the most
The idea of Alastor cross-dressing to lure his victims in is absolutely hilarious to me, but I don’t think he’d ever do it.
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aresaphrodites · 4 years
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Hey there, I love your blog and hope everything’s going well for you! I’ve been struggling a bit with mental health recently (anxiety issues) and while it’s totally fine if not was wondering if you have pointers? I’ve already got some professional help and just trying to ground myself/not spiral since I’m the fuckin queen of overthinking haha, again if not it’s ok but Tysm for always being supportive of everyone and I truly hope you’re doing good these days 💖💖
omg thank u so much, lovely. ur so sweet ❤️
so i feel like we all kind of vary when it comes to how we deal with our mental health. personally, i don’t usually have anxiety issues. i’m all about that Depression Session. (sorry, bad joke. it’s my coping mechanism. i’m working on it.) so for me, when i’m having a bad mental health day, i really try to talk to someone about it. i used to keep things bottled in to the point where i would drive myself crazy because i was so depressed and didn’t say a thing to anyone. it wasn’t good for me at all. now, when i’m feeling even the slightest bit down, i text a friend or my cousin or mom and simply say “i’m sad.” sometimes they send me a stupid meme to make me laugh. sometimes they remind me of how beautiful i am (and i mean the beauty within, not physically). sometimes they remind me of how far i’ve come and how proud they are of me. sometimes they let me rant and cry to them. all of these things help.
i also like to focus my energy into things i love. writing is such a great way for me to really pour out all of my feelings, whether i’m writing something fictional or just busting out the good ole notes app to say “sad today. maybe better tomorrow.” or writing down a long poem to try to really convey what it is that i’m feeling. writing is truly my outlet when it comes to dealing with my depression and i’m so lucky that it’s also my passion. find something you love and anchor onto it. use it to try and turn those negative feelings and thoughts into something you love.
i really don’t know if this will help, but i hope that it does at least a little. i’m not the best at giving advice but i’m always here for you. please, don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me. ❤️
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rewrite-the-wrongs · 4 years
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introductions / howdy, pardner
My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.
This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.
My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.
A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.
*
I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.
The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..
My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.
*
On feeling more myself:
That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).
I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.
Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.
So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.
If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.
I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.
*
Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:
1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?
2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.
3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).
5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.
6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.
4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.
*
Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.
Much love--
Easy
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==> Bonds that hold
@croupiergin
[Warning: Self harm mentioned, childhood trauma mentioned]
Kanaya
You arrive and knock softly on Karkat's door. "I've made it back..." you say in a sort of strangely detached voice.
Karkat
The door opens really fast, ad you look like shit. Well. You usually do, but even more so than usual. You give Kanaya as much of a smile as you can manage, which honestly isn't too much. "Cool. Come in."
Kanaya
You don't quite hug him though the urge is there. You gently pat his shoulder before stepping inside saying, "I have a rather heavy thing to confess, and it is partly the reason why I came."
Karkat
"...Alright." He sounds uncertain. But...it's better than earlier information, so.... He steps aside and gives her a sad small smile.
Kanaya
It's hard to admit this. Only your dad has known for such a long time, but you can't be so dependent. You can't place all your troubles on his shoulders. But you need some help at least being accountable, to stay on track. You swallow and speak nervously, "I-I have a self harm problem... I've had it since before I came. Father knows and he's helped me a lot. But in times like this it is tempting to relapse.... So would you take my knives and would it be okay for me to stay till I am.... not having thoughts about it so much?..." You fear his judgement, that he'll see your weakness and be ashamed of you for it.
Karkat
You eyes soften a bit. You nod, and smile a bit. You walk over to your bookshelf and push aside a group of books, revealing a smallish chest. Then you turn back to her. "I have a similar problem, so I keep most of my knives back here. It's a bit of a pain to get open so it helps things be harder to happen."
Kanaya
You are a little surprised, but perhaps you shouldn't be. Things are hard for everyone and it would be ridiculous to assume Karkat is an emotional rock when you yourself cannot be even for actively trying. "Thank you..." you says softly, tears of relief, grief and so many things pricking your eyes. It's actually a relief to know you aren't alone. You all of your blades and even your little sewing repair kit into the box and sigh a little.
Karkat
You lock them all up nicely, and even put the key up at the very top. That way it takes a lot more time, and you'll have more time to think. "Yeah, of course. I know it sucks." You turn and let yourself just be....tired. So Tired.
Kanaya
"Indeed..." you respond, wiping at your eyes. You just sit down on the floor and take his hand. You want to comfort him and you want to break down crying. You remember comforting little ones who lost their siblings, but this was different. Karkat is a grown man. Though the instinct to just hold him and pet his hair is strong all the same.
Karkat
You sit right next to her and lean your head on her shoulder. You need the physical comfort, the assurance that she's still here. That she's alive, too. "I don't know what to fucking do, Kan."
Kanaya
When he rests his head there, you stop fighting your instinct and wrap your arms around him. You hold him close and take comfort yourself in his scent and warmth. Your fingers weave softly over his hair in a repeated soothing motion. "I don't think any of us really know. I'm sure there is a suspect and that plans for revenge are being made... But we'll be learning..." you choke a little but continue, "How to continue living.... I've... Read a few books on grief and loss... There's many suggestions on what to do, but in part each person has to process loss in their own way..."
Karkat
You sniffle. You haven't really taken the time to emote properly because everything happens so much. But Kanaya being here...It helps. She's your only sister left. Fuck. FUCK. YOu sob. Then you're just straight up bawling.
Kanaya
It's horribly familiar... Holding someone as they cry out at the loss of something so important. They'd been your family then. You cried with them then as you cry with Karkat now. You keep rubbing his back so he knows you're there. His sobs shake you reminding you that you're both alive. You think of Aradia and how she loved you both. You close your eyes holding Karkat and letting him cry with you. You don't give him the false reassurances you did to the littlest children you knew, but you tell him what is true through your tears, "I'm here.... I love you... We're not alone..."
Karkat
"I-I love you too. I love you lots. A-And-" You hiccup and can't bring yourself to be caustic this time around. You're just so tired. So much more exhausted than you could think you'd be. Than you ever have been, except when you were little and thought Slick died once. Fuck. "I....Kanaya, I... I'm going to work towards being able to take over the Crew."
Kanaya
Gently, you take his face between your hands and look into his eyes. "Who do you want to do that for?...." you as very seriously. "And is this a decision you're making right now or had thought through before?"
Karkat
You can't look her in the face directly. You lick your lips and say, slowly and carefully. "I...I've thought about it. I...I can't make anyone else do it. Can you even imagine?"
Kanaya
"Karkat... You need to know I support you completely with all my heart..." you say, wiping his cheek with a thumb and resting your brow on his. "You need to do what is going to make you happiest. You have to live for yourself and not just for others... The Crew... Our family is strong and will persevere... But you shouldn't sacrifice yourself for everyone because you feel it's right..." You are a pot calling the kettle black to an extent and you know it. But that doesn't make it less true. "You would be an excellent incredible leader... But I also want you to be happy."
Karkat
You look down, and hold her hand. You feel awful , but. You can't make anyone else do it. They all have their own lives, their own needs. You don't. Not nearly as much as you liked to pretend you did. "I...get what you're saying. ...I don't know if it'll actually happen. But. I should at least try. I want to try." You say this with enough conviction in your voice to almost be convincing to yourself.
Kanaya
"I will support you, but... take it from someone who is guilty of self sacrificing to the point of self destruction..." you squeeze his hand gently. "The people you're putting ahead of yourself will only be truly happy when you are. Suffering in silence only... Only leads to more pain..." You look down now, "I've martyred myself since I was a child and made myself an emotional fucking wreck to the point that only two people in this hideout know I'm not.... I'm not strong...."
Karkat
You smile so sadly at her. It warms your heart to know that she's trusted you with this. God, you love her so fucking much. And she's right. But you can't hold on to the fact that she's right for too long, in your current state. "I think you're strong as steel, Kan. ...And I'll be sure to take care of myself. I promise you."
Kanaya
You hug him close and churr softly. "May I ask one thing?... You can ask something of me if you wish as well..."
Karkat
"Okay. Of course." You churr back quietly. You have a feeling it'll be a bit rarer now.
Kanaya
"Promise you won't commit to a decision yet... Everything is.... It's fucked up and making choices that will alter your life when.... When it all feels like this isn't good...." looking him in the eyes very tired and still so sad but solloumly you swear, "If after we take down who did this or begin to... Process it all that you still feel this way, I will stand beside you thick and thin."
Karkat
"...Alright. I promise. It'll probably be the smart choice, anyhow." You nuzzle against her a bit, and smile sadly. "...And...can you promise not to give up what you love? Not in the short term or anything, I won't blame you for putting things aside, but...Yeah."
Kanaya
"I promise..." you say petting his hair softly again. You smile, a little chagrined. "You have permission to call bullshit on me if I go into self sacrificing overdrive mode..."
Karkat
You grin and pet her cheek. "Likewise. We'll keep each other in check."
Kanaya
You nod and hug him close. "I... I'm going to cry again...." you warn him. Talking is helping, but it's like a wave ebbing and flowing as it hits you over again that she's gone... She's not here to tell you how proud she is of you both... But you believe she would be.
Karkat
"Don't worry, you won't be alone in that." You assure her and squeeze her in a hug. You feel a bit more comfortable with her here. It's weird. But...You love her so much. You're gonna fuckin' kill for your family.
Kanaya
This time you smile a wobbly smile and cry on his shoulder. You love him. You love your family even if you're still afraid to let them see you at your weakest. You would die for them if you had to.
Karkat
"...Hey, you wanna stick around here tonight? I've got plenty of room, and we can just...relax a bit. Spend some time breathing."
Kanaya
"I'd like that a lot...." you murmur. You'll have to thank him so much later. You are beyond grateful to not be alone right now.
Karkat
You smile sadly at her and immediately flop back onto the bed. You are...exhausted, emotionally and mentally. You just need to rest a bit.
Kanaya
You just sit beside the bed and hold his hand. Resting your head against the mattress, you stay that way.
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meshugana1 · 6 years
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Another idea, Rich's(28) girlfriend is tired of all her friends having babies and kids and wants one of her own. Rich disagrees. She ends up cursing him as he finds himself getting dumber and childish as he regressed to her little 3 year old toddler girl trapped in diapers he can't help but use while he can no longer read or do math or even speak properly.
   “Come on Rich, let’s just be mature and talk about it,” Ricki said. Her head hung low and her hands wore out the couch she sat on.“Babe, I really can’t talk about this, not again. I don’t care if all your buddies are doing it. I’m not ready to be a dad.”“Well, when will you be ready? For Christ’s sake your almost thirty, how much longer do I need to wait? Or are you hoping I’ll hit menopause before you’re ‘ready’?”“Don’t play that card, you know what my childhood was like.”“That excuse wore itself out a long time ago, Rich. I want a baby, I need a baby, why can’t you understand that?”“I do, I just don’t care. Do you forget just home much we earn? How much our car payments are? Our mortgage? And you want to drop a baby on top of that? I know you’re a woman and all but why don’t you take a second to actually think things through for once in your life?”“You think this is just cause I’m a woman? I can’t believe you! I told all my sisters you were different, that you really cared, but you’re just a sexist pig like all the rest!” Rich had had this conversation many times with countless women. The ending never really varied, they all leave him and find someone better.
   He braced, letting her vent, it always went over better that way. But all he heard from her was her irate breathing. “I try, goddamnit I try so hard Rich. I just wanted to talk, that’s all. But you and your damn stupid attitude, well fine. You don’t want to talk? You don’t have to talk ever again!” Rich felt weird energy about the room as she screamed at him. He was used to the yelling, but it almost felt like the room was hotter. It was a penetrating heat, the kind that drains you and makes your eyes flutter. Rich felt that as his head started to swoon, he slumped into his chair and saw Ricki grab her coat and storm out, not five minutes later he was asleep and elusive dreams played out in front of his eyes.
    Rich woke up to the smell of burning bacon, a trademark of Ricki’s cooking. He bristled, surprised she had stuck around unlike so many others, but expecting she did so only because she had much more to yell. Sitting up, something about his clothing felt just the slightest bit off, but sleeping in a lazy boy will do that. He carefully opened the door, finding Ricki at the stove. That was concerning enough, but she also hummed a lighthearted tune that didn’t really seem to fit the tenor of her rage last night. “Oh good, you’re up. I was worried that you might sleep right through breakfast.”“Um, thanks? But aren’t you like, mad? You were yelling pretty loud last night,” Rich said. He shifted from foot to foot awkwardly, rubbing his arm expecting the hammer to drop. Instead, she smiled, a motherly sort of smile. “Oh sweetie, it’s all water under the bridge. You were right, I was getting a little emotional, but I’ve taken some steps to fix everything, don’t you worry.” Rich was stunned, this was new. He smiled and practically felt like dancing. He nearly skipped to the table as Ricki brought him a platter of eggs, hash-browns, and various meats.
   Usually Rich didn’t go in for such lavish breakfasts, but this was apparently her form of apology. She didn’t wait for him to grab his fork and speared a healthy amount of scrambled eggs, bringing the prongs near his mouth. Still unwilling to rekindle the rage he saw last night, he opened his mouth and allowed her to feed him. It was surprisingly relaxing for him, there was a small part of him that said that this was emasculating, but it was much quieter than it normally was. He was also surprised by the quality of the food she was giving him. Typically, she could only produce black charcoal to eat, she must have been practicing lately. The thought of her, slaving away at a cookbook, working hard to improve herself, made a pit of guilt for in Rich’s stomach. Before he had time to apologize or truly process that guilt, his meal was done she ushered him to their room to prepare for the workday.
   He donned his usual business casual outfit, he didn’t vary too much in his work attire. This morning, however, his clothing didn’t quite sit right. His shoulders seemed almost narrower and his shirt sleeves rubbed against his wrists. His belt even required an extra notch to hold his pants up, that one was at least welcome. But, once again, before he had any time to process these laundry accidents, Ricki had handed him a bottle of water and a lunch and encouraged him into the car, which in another uncharacteristic move, she drove.
   “Have a good day, Sweetie! I’ll pick you up later, just going to do some shopping.” Ricki said.“But, I can drive myself—” Rich began.“Don’t be silly, this way saves on gas and time. Now march on up there and make me proud.” Ricki said as she sped away, leaving Rich with very little choice in the matter. Rich stared at the tall building, feeling alone. His cuff chaffed his wrist, his bag lunch felt heavy in his hand, and he felt an odd sense of being out of place. His feeling was only compounded when he stepped through the threshold of the office door. The firm was already crawling with activity, which only served to unsettle Rich more. Everything seemed larger, not just in the physical sense, it almost seemed like everything here wasn’t meant for him. His awkward pace wasn’t peppy enough for someone, and he soon heard his name, followed by several expletives, and was commanded to join the others in the boardroom.
   “Alright everybody, I’m only gonna say this once, we’re in real deep shit. Our clients are pulling out, controversy after controversy has desensitized the public and they’re more litigious and organized than ever. If this advertising company is gonna survive, as it has managed to do for the past hundred years, we need a fresh new take. Something that will appease those whiny fuckin’ millennial and our diehards. I am not gonna be the one at the helm when this company goes down, so if anyone has an idea, you better speak up now.” Rich only feigned attention. He was a supposed to care, he wanted to care but something, a hazy sense of boredom held him back from it. It was as though the CEO were miles away speaking to him. An intern, especially one as hungry as he was should’ve leaped at the opportunity, sunk his claws into it and never let go. But instead, Rich sat quietly and doodled in a yellow legal pad. His scribbles were nothing a twenty-eight-year-old should be proud of, but in his mind, he was crafting a masterwork. Unicorns danced in fields, ballerina knights slew smelly dragons, and princesses adorned themselves with the prettiest dresses imaginable. “Who the hell are you?!” The CEO called out, directly at him. It was so loud and so jarring that it snapped him back violently to reality and his head swirled trying to regain his bearings. “M—me?” He said.“Yeah, you. This is a staff meeting and I certainly didn’t hire any teens recently. Are somebody’s kid or what?” Rich darted his eyes to and from each coworker, silently asking for help of any kind. “Um, I’m Rich, the intern?” He said, as unsure as everyone else seemed to be.“Bullshit. That guy is almost thirty, you little missy don’t look a day over sixteen. Now tell me who you are or get out, I’m not in the mood to play babysitter.” Sixteen? Missy? What was he talking about? But as Rich stood up and his shirt cuff swallowed his hand, and his pants nearly fell to his ankles, he had an idea of why he said what he said.
   Rich did as he was told and shuffled out of the boardroom, retaining his pants to his waist with his hand. His cheeks felt hot and his eyes were growing misty with anxious confusion. His first instinct was to run to the bathroom as fast as his small legs could take him. Is it secured hand slammed and locked the door. He approached the mirror cautiously, his boss hadn’t even recognized him and though there was no reason for it his legs moved like weights and his dress shirt dad is misty eyes preparing him for what he would see. In the cheap mirror, he could find almost no trace himself. His angular features had softened, his cheeks were puffy, his eyes were red, and here it lost and no less than a foot and a half of his former 5 foot 10. He watched his bottom lip quiver as his eyes search for any sort of answer. His shirt hung limply on slender shoulders and his hands could not be seen, but they felt delicate as if never having seen a day of work. His belt was all but useless and his pants fell to the floor. The elastic band of his underwear still did its job, but even beneath that had not been spared from whatever was happening to him. His cock was nothing to write home about before, but now it’s imprinted in his underwear is barely visible and to his distraught eyes seemed to grow even smaller.
   His legs panicked and he ran back to his desk giving no thought to his state of dress. He scrambles for the receiver of his office phone neither caring nor aware of the eyes watching his diminutive form. He punched in the numbers for Ricki’s phone, he knew the number by heart. At least he thought he did. Instead of his beautiful girlfriend, a crotchety old man answered the phone demanding why he called him at such a late hour. Rich apologized, claiming the old excuse or the wrong number. His finger must have slipped, so he tried again and of this time connected with the New York Museum of Natural History. He tried a third, fourth, and the fifth time, failing each. His eyes were no longer misty and full sorrowful tears cascaded down his soft cheeks. He sat on the floor using his sleeve to wipe his eyes, his shirt now functioning more like a dress. His coworkers around him stood confused, wondering just who have brought their daughter into work today. Before anyone else could take charge of the situation, someone strode in from the main door and kneeled down near the distraught 28-year-old man who sat in a small puddle of fear induced urine. “Shhh, it’s alright sweetie, mommy’s here.“
   “Alright now raise those arms!” Ricki said with a smile, feeling a purer joy that she could recall. The tiny, wet little girls arms shot into the air excitedly, happy to feel her mothers warm embrace again. The towel collected every stray bit of water that’s still clung to her body. “Okey-dokey sweetie, is my big girl ready for her diaper?“ She didn’t wait for an answer as she collected the supplies to change little girl. It was a well practice procedure by now and she already laid on the changing mat ready. She squeals excitedly as the powder tickled her thighs and covered her exposed bottom. Each noise of excitement fills Ricki with happiness that just days ago she felt she would never hear. Once the tapes are secured, the excitable little girl hops up and latches onto her mother’s leg. She doesn’t see the soft tear escaping from her mother’s eyes. “I didn’t want it to go this way Rich, but I’m so happy it did,” she said she lumbered into the kitchen, the happy weight still clinging to her leg, to prepare a beautiful steak dinner for herself, and a sliced hot dog for her beautiful daughter.
The End. Hope Y’all like it!
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manicalicorn-art · 6 years
Text
2017 Writing Round-Up
source: https://trey.dreamwidth.org/584.html
Total year-long word count: 16,200
Word count by fandom: 
BnHA: 12858
Assassin’s Creed: 2562
Original: 780
Fics completed: 3 oneshots
Works-in-progress: 2
This year I wrote and posted:
He Woke to Fire chapter 2
Rocket
What Goes Around chapters 1 thru 4
Wind
Slut Shaming
Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?
Way, way more. I only started on He Woke To Fire last year, expecting it to be a short two-shot. Now not only has it evolved into a 4+ chapter fic, I also got into BnHA and have been inundated with new fic ideas and have actually, for the first time in my life, started organising and planning my fics in earnest. I only expected to write one (1) short little chapter for HWtF this year, and like. Look at that.
What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?
Fandom: BnHA!! I actually got into it because I saw an artist that I followed from another fandom drawing tododeku fanart and I was like ???? I’ve seen the split-hair guy around what show is this? and that was the first actual post that I saw having the title of the anime on it. I didn’t expect to fall as in love with it as I did, because I’ve been getting tired of shounen tropes, but BnHA has some really fresh takes on ideas and is quite self-aware/genre-savvy/trope-subverting on many fronts so I enjoyed it immensely.
Pairing: TodoBaku. I haven’t actually posted any todobakus, but I have been writing quite a few snippets here and there.    As mentioned above I got into BnHA fully prepared to ship tododeku.    Bakugou was introduced and I was like “Hah rival character I’m sure there’s BakuDekus out there” and I was right, and I did like it, because I like rivalships, so that was expected.    Then while browsing BakuDekus I found KiriBakus and read a few and I was like “cute but why” so I went on watching the anime and reading the manga expecting to start shipping the KiriBakus any day now but I was,,,, still not shipping both tododeku and kiribaku.    On the other hand, the Sports Fest happened and I had a sudden ‘oh hey imagine todobaku lol’ and then immediately after went ‘!!!oh hEY IMAGINE TODOBAKU!!!’ and here we are lmao.
I wrote fluff. I’m not kidding, this was the weirdest direction I’ve ever taken my writing. I’ve been a consummate angst slut ever since I fuckin knew how to read, and while I do read the Simple Fluff stories every now and again, they’ve never been things that truly made me happy as a reader. So the fact that I’m writing what’s basically a pure-hearted friendship fic is... mind-boggling to me, both as a reader and a writer.
What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?
   Oh... this one’s hard, but I guess He Woke to Fire wins that spot. For one, it’s angst, and I’m an angst whore.    For another, it’s a canon-divergence centred around the death of the main character before the story even began, which has seriously been fascinating (and it also gave me a long existential crisis at one point) to contemplate.    Further, the substitute main character is a canon character who got like, two speaking lines and half a minute of screentime before dying unceremoniously, so it’s really given me a real mental workout trying to flesh out his character.    Lastly, there’s a lot of psychological, ideological, and philosophical themes in original canon that by necessity needed to be addressed and recontextualised in order to suit this new AU, and I think I handled it fairly well so I’m really proud of that!
Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?
Writing fluff. As mentioned, I have literally never touched fluff ever in my (admittedly sparse) writing history. It has posed an interesting challenge in the form of needing to really think about ways to throw complications in the plot and resolving them without emotionally or physically traumatising the characters in any significant measure.
Character voice switching and a large cast. Really getting into multiple characters’ heads, understanding their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, asking myself ‘why is this character taking up this narrative role and not this other one?’ and trying to overcome biases for my faves. It’s not really an epic, and the background characters remain in the background even if they do do things, but I think I’ve gotten a little better at a more holistic approach to writing multiple characters.
Your best story of this year: hhHHHH He Woke to Fire. Makes me so happy.
Your most popular story of this year: (Based on AO3 stat numbers) that would be What Goes Around with 271 Kudos, 33 comment threads, 54 bookmarks, 112 subscriptions, and 2053 hits. I am... speechless. Thank you all so much.
Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion:
Rocket. C’mon guys. Why have the parallels between Uraraka’s anti-gravity powers and Bakugou’s blasting powers and outer space travel never been talked about? Bakugou’s a literal human rocketship; why would he ever be afraid of Uraraka’s Quirk????
Most fun story to write:
... I had to resist the urge to simply answer this with ‘writing is not fun’ because I get writer’s block really really quickly. I second-guess every plot point as soon as I put it down and I struggle through every line. I write because I want need these stories to exist, not because I enjoy the process of writing. BUT I won’t be a cop-out so I’ll make an actual selection here: Rocket, because fight scenes are fun to imagine. Even if the point of this fight scene was that it wasn’t much of a fight.
Story with the single sexiest moment: The legend of Altaïr’s soul and the djinn beneath the waves in He Woke to Fire. I don’t care if ‘sexiest’ here was meant to refer to literal sexual themes I’m just taking it as ‘moment that made me the happiest’. The invention of this single legend allowed me to talk about a lot of aspects of Altaïr (his immense combat prowess, his cold personality, his fear of water, his death by suffocation) in metaphorical and mythical ways throughout the story and I’m very happy I came up with it by myself.
Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story: Thing is, I am well aware of how fucking messed up my imagination can get, so there’s literally nothing I can come up with that would surprise me or anyone who knows me. He Woke to Fire is the most thematically heavy and graphic one I have published I guess.
Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters: HWtF again.    Like I said, it actually gave me an existential crisis that lasted practically a whole year because I realised halfway through that I was writing the story as though Kadar was just a cuter Altaïr, which he is obviously not.    So I had to go back and replan the entire fic again which then made me introduce Maria as a major character, then I had another crisis because I actually hate the way Maria has been portrayed and treated in canon (and a lot of fanon too for that matter). So I had to really sit down and think about a way to reinvent her in a satisfactory manner for this fic.    I’m still not entirely sure that I’ve got it, for either of them, but goddamn have I had to try.
Hardest story to write: HWtF, see above.
Biggest disappointment: The third chapter of What Goes Around. The writing there feels so stilted and forced, and a lot of the rhythm/word flows/pacing is very repetitive. Despite knowing exactly what I wanted to have happen, I struggled through the entire chapter and it shows.
Biggest surprise: Second chapter of WGA, that I wrote in the same sitting as the first chapter, that I wrote in the same sitting as the second chapter of HWtF. It was the easiest time of writing that I have ever had in my life ever and I didn’t even have to think - except for like, once, when I forgot to mention a detail I thought I had already written but I hadn’t actually so I had to backtrack a couple lines. And usually when I write that fast and fluidly, I’ll come back and read it later and find holes and logic errors and sections of senselessness but nope. It’s completely coherent. I have never written like that before or since.
Most unintentionally telling story: Probably What Goes Around.    I generally try to mention every single student of 1A at least once, and Todoroki’s part in the story was supposed to be limited to that single incident with Tsuyu and then he was done. But he’s kept popping back in in subsequent chapters like a creepy stalker because my ridiculous TodoBaku-shipping heart just wants them to interact more goddamnit.    Now I’ve just accepted that in the WGA canon, Todoroki has a crush on Bakugou and is actually following him around like a lovesick puppy and Bakugou just hasn’t really noticed.
Favorite opening line(s): From Wind: A wind. There’s a wind that blows across the land, a soft sigh on the bright sand.
Favorite closing line(s): From He Woke to Fire: “You’re not real,” Malik says with heartbreak in his voice. “I’m not,” the vision of Altaïr says with Altaïr’s voice, sounding surprised Malik could tell. Then with eyes glowing gold, reaches out a hand to caress Malik’s face, “but you could be happy here with me.” Tears slip down Malik’s cheek as he leans forward to catch ‘Altaïr’s lips in a kiss. “I couldn’t,” he says, voice breaking, arms wrapped bone-crushingly tight around ‘Altaïr’, “but by Allah I wish I could.”
Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere: From What Goes Around: Katsuki took his food seriously. His old man had what his mum called the ‘art student diet’ where he, if left to his own devices, would just eat four boxes of chicken nuggets at three AM in the morning and completely forgo lunch and dinner, and it pissed her off to no end. So she had Katsuki trained to cook as well as she could (if not better) so that he could force his dumbass dad to eat a decent meal every once in a while whenever she had to go out for a shoot. Sixteen years of life and nearly ten whole years of (violent) culinary training later, Katsuki figured he knew his way around food. Whatever this… stuff was? Not food. He had to close the fridge door and spend a few minutes just breathing because no. Just. Holy shit, no.
This one’s my favourite because it’s me calling myself (and several other people I know *cough*) out for our garbage ‘art student diet’ while also talking about the BakuParents.
Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated:
He Woke to Fire:  Altaïr gasping and dying in the sealed cavern, desperately trying to claw his way out till his fingernails are bloody, then scratched off, the dying firelight and the scattered corpses around him.
He Woke to Fire: Kadar clinging gracelessly like a worm to a rafter, looking over at Altaïr in the high narrow room, and seeing birds in cages.
He Woke to Fire: A badass Kadar with hardened eyes, wielding the eagle-pommel sword - Altaïr’s sword.
What Goes Around: Bakugou, so sleepy he can barely keep himself upright, exhausted and rumpled from hard work, giving a jittery Kaminari a one-armed hug until he calms down and feels comfortable in his own skin again.
Rocket: I would love to see this entire ‘fight’ animated but in particular, the part where Bakugou is just grumpily drifting along in the air waiting to be declared the winner.
Fic-writing goals for next year:
Finish HWtF and WGA. They’re my first proper multi-chapters and I do actually kind of know how they’re supposed to end as well as sort of how to get there, so I really want to see them through (as well as not being a dick and leaving my readers hanging)
bktd week. I actually have all the lore and outlines ready, and the outlines have (almost) all the dialogue already written. So hopefully I can actually see it through, and on time for the week.
Start working through my Endless Prompt List which is mostly self-prompts. I’ve taken screenshots of my yelling in great detail about many many ideas and filed them neatly away in the hopes that I actually get around to writing them. My final year in university starts in the second half of 2018, and I’ll be busy with my graduation projection and other important school work, and preparing my animation portfolios and showreels for future employment, and I’ll hopefully be able to get an internship which will be really taxing... So I don’t have very high hopes in terms of my writing for the next two years. Writing’s only a hobby that’s just simply neither important nor urgent in the grand scheme of my life so it’ll have to take a backseat.
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taintedkibou · 7 years
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beauty & vice - part one
[baton touch] - summary of the predecessor fic  [the transfer, the thug, & and the artist] 10,000k+ predecessor fic 
Mishima made sure to remove the Shujin blazer this time, stuffing it into his locker at the school’s entrance. He was late for his first class, but being in the top fifteen percentile of well-tested students meant his tardiness would be overlooked.  He had new footage from his old school that he wanted to share with Sakamoto and Kurusu.
 Lunchtime was out of the question, so Mishima asked if he could see them after school. The roof was taken by third years that looked ready to become yakuza after graduation, but Mishima had another location. A tool shed near the abandoned greenhouse that once belonged to the Gardening Club; he’d done his research. They set up outside, Mishima dragging a table from the greenhouse. Getting caught coming out of a place so cliché would cause more suspicion than any of them needed. It wasn’t ideal, but it would have to do.
Ryuji glanced at the small figure fiddling with his phone and couldn’t help but wonder how Mishima managed to sneak into Shujin to capture this video. Each classroom lined up accordingly, so there would be no place for him. Unless... “Did you bribe someone?” Ryuji muttered before he could stop himself.
Mishima blinked at him, his brown eyes large and unassuming. “I might have,” he admitted casually. 
“Look at how much our little boy has grown,” Akira laughed, tousling the already unruly dark hair. Mishima didn’t shy away from the touch. If anything, he leaned into it.
“Stop corrupting him!” Ryuji slapped Akira’s hand away, pulling a surprised Mishima behind him. “And who the hell would have a kid with you?!”
Akira pouted, placing a hand against his heart. “Ryuji. You wound me.”
“Stop it,” Mishima sighed, stepping out from behind Ryuji to continue his previous ministrations. When his phone refused to balance, he dug around in his school case to find the stand he rarely used. “Remember that ransom note Kamoshida received a while back?” he muttered as he connected the acrylic pieces. “I think the sender actually went through with it…” Making sure he had the other boys’ attention, Mishima tapped his phone so the video could play.
The steady camera angle was tilted to accommodate the doughy figure of the principal as he walked across the stage and up to the podium.
Ryuji took note of the blond twintails near the front of the row, but then focused his attention back on the Principal once the man started speaking.
“As you all know, a tragic event took place the other day. Thankfully, we have been informed that she has pulled through, but it will take some time until she recovers.”
Ryuji freed a hand from the pocket of his school slacks to tap Mishima on the shoulder. “Is that true?”
Mishima fiddled with his hands. “She’s in a coma. The worst of her injuries have been taken care of, though, so I guess it is true on some level.”
Ryuji huffed out a sound of disgust. Even in a dire situation as this, adults still lied. The principal was forced to cut his speech short a loud bang of a closing door interrupted him. The blond that piqued his interest before let out a startled gasp at the appearance of someone off to the side. Ryuji didn’t need any guesses to figure out who it was, and gritted his teeth after the camera found him. Kamoshida.
“I… have been reborn,” Kamoshida stated pitifully, his broad shoulders uncharacteristically slumped.
Akira snorted, muffling any forthcoming sounds with his hand after being elbowed in the side.
With heavy steps, Kamoshida made his way along the side of the gymnasium, climbing up onto the stage to join the astonished Principal. He didn’t need a mic for the student body to hear his confession. “I have repeatedly done things that were… unbecoming of a teacher. Verbally abusing students… physically abusing my team, and sexually harassing female students.”
Mishima’s left hand rose, gripping his right arm, both Ryuji and Akira tracking the movement. Akira covered Mishima’s hand with his own, whispering in his ear, words of comfort that Ryuji couldn’t hear.
“I am the reason why Suzui Shiho tried to kill herself!”
The video feed became shaky as the camera holder was jostled by the alarmed student body. Words and slurs flew back and forth, but the camera’s main focus was the proud man, now down on his knees, bowing and crying his sins. “I thought of this school as my own castle… There were even students that I sentenced to expulsion, simply because I didn’t like that…”
Ryuji ignored the whispered gasps of his name. No one cared then; why should he care what they thought now?
“I am truly sorry for putting innocent youths through such horrible acts…”
Ryuji opened his mouth to yell a retort at the video, but caught Akira’s warning gaze. Mishima was with them. Mishima, who knew nothing of the other world where they’d beat Kamoshida’s Shadow into submission.
“I am an arrogant, shallow, and shameful person. Now, I’m worse than that…” Kamoshida slumped onto the stage, his towering figure now curled into a prostrating position. “I will take responsibility and kill myself for it…!”
“Fuckin’ coward,” Ryuji spat.
Someone else agreed with his assessment. Above the yelling faculty and wily students filled with unrest, a voice rose. “Don’t run, you bastard!”
The camera focused on the blonde, now standing ahead of the line of students. Her face went unseen, but her stiff body language filled in the nonexistent gaps her angry, accusing voice didn’t leave behind. “Shiho’s still alive ever after all the things that made her want to die! You have no right to run from this!”
“You’re right,” Kamoshida whimpered, a sniveling sound. “I should be punished under the law and atone for my crimes. I did horrible things to Takamaki-san as well,” he sobbed. “I tried to force her into—”
“Shut up!” Takamaki screamed. She fisted her hands over her ears, hair obscuring her face as she ducked her head.
Akira’s eyes widened. Even through a recorded video, he saw it. The slight distortion that surrounded Takamaki in that moment of emotional distress. She had a connection to the cognitive world. The amount of times they visited Kamoshida’s Palace before toppling it probably made her more susceptible to its influence. Could she be an ally? Akira pulled himself from his thoughts just in time to see Kamoshida grovel across the stage, pleading for the police to arrest him. He smirked. A job well done.
Mishima stepped out of Akira’s embrace to end the video and collect his items. “Takamaki recognized me after they dragged Kamoshida off the stage. I escaped during the chaos.” He closed the flap of his school case, lifting the bag from the table as he turned and faced his classmates. “Just like that note said—he really did confess his sins. Is this… real?” Mishima let out a frustrated groan, hiding his face behind his bag. “Why am I asking you guys? You probably don’t know any more than I do!”
Ryuji pushed the bag down to grin at Mishima. “Do you have someone whose heart you want to change?”
Mishima’s hopeful look didn’t go unnoticed, but he made a valiant attempt at hiding behind a lopsided smile. “No.”
Ryuji arched an eyebrow, making his skepticism at the response clear, but dropped the issue before it could grow into unwarranted suspicion. “As much as I hate leaving you with this guy,” He jabbed a thumb at the innocent Akira standing off to the side, “I have to meet a friend. Stay out of trouble, Mishima.”
Mishima watched Ryuji walk away over the top of his school case. “He blames himself because I got transferred. He stood up for me—for the whole volleyball team. Why am I telling you this?” he sighed with a strong shake of his head. It was the past and that was where it needed to stay.
“How ‘bout I treat you to Big Bang?” Akira hummed, pushing Mishima’s bag lower so the shorter teen could look at him.
“I prefer going to the dinner…”
“Steak and coffee, then!” Akira’s declaration was accompanied by a triumphant fist pump.  
Mishima smiled at the other’s endless energy. It makes one wonder what he did in his past to end up at a dump like this. Again: the past stays in the past. Falling in step with the transfer student, they left the school campus and headed for the station.
Akira was a busy boy for the next week. He prowled the streets in search of clues that would help them take down their next big target. If he took care of a few smaller problems along the way, who could blame him? Too many corrupted and violent citizens were being ignored.
He always loved seeing them cry. Even babies had more tact whining for an attention than an adult blubbering about forgiveness for his sins.
The universe obviously decided Akira had played around long enough, shoving Ryuji into his path like it was wont to do when he strayed too far.
"Wanna go to the gym?"
Akira wasn't expecting such a polite tone from the blond, considering they were still in class, and was stunned to silence. Was this in celebration for the downfall of Kamoshida, or was his fellow classmate trying to be civil?
Ryuji's brow creased as the seconds ticked by, a scowl taking hold of his frown. "Forget I asked," he snapped, already turning on his heel to go back to his corner desk.
Akira snapped out of his stupor and gave chase, as short a distance as it was. "Sorry. I would want nothing more than to spend time with you, but..." His hand rose, but never made it to his bangs, and fell back to his side. "Yusuke invited me out."
It was Ryuji's turn now to be surprised. Yusuke hadn't mentioned anything of the sort to him, but then Yusuke was also his own person and probably had a reason. "Whatever. If you see me loitering around, I have free time, so ask me if you want to hang out."
Akira kept his elation to a minimum with a small smile and a quick nod. "Okay." He watched Ryuji pack his school case, backing up when the blond walked by him to get to the door. Akira exhaled the breath he'd been holding, his shoulders slumping when he did. The more time they spent together, the more he limited his teasing and gave in to the flustered behavior that comes with a crush.
Akira walked back to his desk to finish his own backing so he could head out. He was supposed to meet Yusuke at Shibuya's underground walkway.
Considering Madarame's "house", it was easier to go in from Central Street. When Akira descended the stairs, and turned the corner, he realized where his nervousness was coming from. Yusuke stood at the end of the wall, hands folded behind his back in an elegant, yet relaxed pose. Winning over Yusuke would be his biggest conquest.
Yusuke lifted his head, brushing his bangs out of his face, and Akira's stomach attempted to somersault up to his throat. The taller teen didn't smile, but he did acknowledge him with a nod. Akira adjusted his bag strap after coming to a halt, tilting his head questioningly. "Where are we going?"
"Madarame has a Palace, doesn't he?"
Not the greeting he was expecting. Not a date, then. Akira tried not to let his disappoint show by feigning nonchalance with a shrug.
Yusuke's eyes widened in surprise before narrowing. "He... doesn't?"
"He probably does," Akira lied. Madarame had a hideous Palace, but it wasn't time for Yusuke to see it yet. "But it will take me some time to figure out how to get in." He tilted his head, glasses catching the station light and obscuring his eyes from view. "Was that all you wanted?"
"Yes." Yusuke cast his gaze downward after his soft admittance, studying the floor tile. “I saw the news about Kamoshida and hoped that we would be able to do the same for sensei.”
"At least you're honest," Akira sighed, feeling sorely disappointed. He could've been spending his time with Ryuji.
"Of course he's honest, asshole."
The bump from behind sent him stumbling forward. Akira caught himself before he fell, already knowing who the culprit was. He heard the voice every day (except Sundays).
Ryuji took his place at Yusuke's side, glaring at the bespectacled teen. "I wasn't jealous, just bored, so I followed you. Since we're all here and near that guy's shop, maybe we should have another talk."
Akira smirked, a quip on the tip of his tongue. He swallowed it, knowing he wouldn't win any points with Yusuke if he disrespected his boyfriend in front of him. "Too early," he said instead. "Even though I helped Mune-chan clear his name, the cops sometime stop by to see if he's still on the straight and narrow."
"...why do you call him that?" Ryuji wondered aloud. "He scares the shit out of me, and I've only seen him once!"
"His reputation precedes him. And I do it because I know it pisses him off," Akira laughed. "He can't lay a hand on me."
"You like flirting with danger," Yusuke surmised.
Akira's eyes found Ryuji's as he replied with a soft "yes". Ryuji looked away, biting his lip to hide his own amused reaction.
Yusuke was no fool. Being an artist meant he had to be aware of every detail, no matter how obvious or obscure. He was also unconcerned with Akira's advances, but knowing Ryuji—Ryuji would beat himself up for thinking he was being unfaithful. In that moment, he realized why Akira's mood soured before Ryuji's appearance. "You wanted to spend time with me."
"Idiot," Ryuji scoffed, bumping his hip against Yusuke's. "Anybody would."
"Nobody wishes to spend time with me other than you. Not even sensei."
Ryuji wrapped an arm around the taller teen's neck and pulled him down to his height. Akira noted they now had the attention of the gossiping housewives nearby; the worse kind to provide new material for.
Yusuke easily slipped free of Ryuji's hold and moved around him towards the stairs. "You two have fun together. I forgot that there's the upcoming art exhibit." He pressed his fingers to his temple. "Things have been so hectic." Even Akira could tell the smile was forced and he hardly knew the artist.
With a soft farewell, Yusuke disappeared into the hallway that led back to Shibuya's central street.
"Shit...!" Ryuji sank into a crouch, fingers tangled in his blond hair. He stayed down for a while, muttering curses and other phrases Akira chose to ignore. When he finally rose, a glare furrowed his brow.
"Yen for your thought?" To prove he was serious, Akira pulled the coin from his pocket and tossed it in the air.
Ryuji snatched it up before it could fall into the waiting palm. "Gym's across the street," he grumbled, kicking the grimy station floor once before leading the way. Akira followed with a wide smile. 
xxx
Ryuji had the best laugh of his life after Akira climbed on a treadmill. He was still snickering even after he stepped off his own machine to squat next to the crumpled heap of a teen. "Pathetic," he snorted. "Why are you so great over there but shitty here in the real world?"
"You think... I'm great?" Akira pushed himself up, his arms trembling even though he'd been working on cardio.
"Don't get cocky. You suck. You're gonna be wasting the protein I gave you if you quit after this." Ryuji's grin was almost malicious. "I'm not done with you, Joker."
Akira felt a different kind of energy course through him and collapsed back onto the foamed floor with a whimper. He wasn't expecting Ryuji to hoist him up and over his shoulder. Akira scrambled to keep his glasses on his face, his legs flailing to find something solid for him to stand on. A slap to the back of his thighs made him go completely motionless. Ryuji froze after a few steps, the reason pressed against his collarbone.
"I'm sorry," Akira whispered. "I..." He had no excuse.
"Wanna take care of it?" Ryuji mumbled, his ears a cute shade of pink. He was the reason for Akira's arousal. It was a nice feeling, knowing he could turn on not just one, but two people without trying (and making a fool of himself in the process).
Ryuji carefully made his way to the locker room, his cheeks growing hotter with every little sound Akira released as he was jostled. Once they were in the privacy of the benched area, he set the brunet down onto the floor and Akira wobbled his way into the nearest stall. Ryuji took a seat on a nearby bench, covering his ears with his hands as he bowed forward. He chanted Yusuke's name in his head, stopping only when he felt a light touch to his shoulder.
Akira stood behind him, flushed, and trying to hide behind the collar of his black jersey. "I guess I really am a pervert," he chuckled in an attempt to make light of the situation.
Ryuji lifted his shoulders in a faint shrug, not sure how to address the situation. Akira obviously liked him, but did he like Yusuke as well? Should they be having this discussion in a place like this? He offered the brunet a weary smile. "Wanna try the treadmill again?"
Akira glared from behind his glasses. "You obviously want to see me make an ass of myself." The tension eased from Ryuji's body and his smile grew into a grin. "It's nice, knowing that you suck at something. Let's test out a few other exercises and work out a routine."
"Aye, aye, captain." Akira gave a mock salute and waited for Ryuji to rise from the bench before they walked out of the locker room together.
Once they were back amongst the machines and reclaimed their own, Ryuji set Akira's for a brisk pace while giving himself a jog. After fifteen minutes, he felt a telltale twinge in his right leg and dialed down his speed. If he pushed himself, Yusuke would never forgive him. He let himself glide along the belt to the back of the treadmill and then stepped off. Ryuji performed a few stretches to loosen his limbs, gritting through the slight pain, and stood tall when Akira stepped off to join him.
"Let's take a shower together," the blond declared with a carefree grin.
Akira's fingers dug into the hem of his jersey jacket, eyes wide behind his glasses.
Ryuji doubled forward, hands braced against his knees as he laughed. "Oh, gods! I can't believe I found your weakness! This is great." He lifted his head high enough to smile up against the brunet. "I'm not making fun of your feelings, just so ya know. I'm doin’ this for your own good. Can't have you poppin’ a boner on the train during rush hour because I’m pressed up against you." Ryuji’s gaze followed Akira’s hands as they folded together in front of his crotch. “Again? I’ll give you this, you have some amazing stamina.” He pushed at his knees to stand straight. “How about you use it to work out the rest of your body?” Ryuji guided Akira back to the locker rooms with a light hand against his lower back.
They showered, two stalls apart—Akira’s took longer than Ryuji’s, and dressed in nondescript jerseys. Their school uniforms were tucked away in their bags.
Akira shoved his hands into his pockets once they were outside in the street, hunching his shoulders up to his ears. "Untouchable, or are we going our separate ways?"
Ryuji thought about his choices and realized he actually enjoyed spending time with the transfer student. When he wasn’t being a pain in the ass. Without an audience, Akira seemed more docile, and so fun to tease. "Separate ways," Ryuji sighed. "But..." He looked to the end of the street, watching the cars drive by. " Despite the shit you told Yusuke, Madarame has a Palace, doesn’t he? I know you know how to get there."
He turned back around and Akira felt his lips spreading into a wide grin. Those eyes were alight again. 'Skull!'
"Can we go to Madarame's Palace tomorrow? I feel like Yusuke's not telling me something. I wanna help him. Maybe I can find something that geriatric bastard is hiding."
"Geria..." Akira trailed off into laughter, hands curled around his midsection. 'The things you say—I can’t help loving you!'
Ryuji's eyes widened, the blond taking a surprised step backwards, and Akira quickly realized his mistake; his thoughts had been spoken aloud. He cleared his throat, freeing a hand to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "I do. If you feel my confession will make tomorrow awkward, then just pretend you never heard me. I have part time jobs at the underground mall that I can be doing."
"No," Ryuji mumbled with a shake of his head. "I'm... I feel happy? I don't know what this is, but I still want to go to his Palace."
"Fine." Akira dropped his hand and executed a curt bow before spinning away sharply.
"Ah..." Ryuji watched him walk away, feeling something akin to disappointment. "What the hell just happened?!" he growled to himself.
While Ryuji berated himself for his actions, Akira doubled back using another as a shield to hide him from sight. He made his way through Central Street until he was staring at the rundown hovel Madarame called a home. 
Tomorrow, an annoyed voice reminded him. Akira bared his teeth at nothing, angrily kicking at the guardrail. Yusuke was trapped and Akira couldn't save him by himself. Ryuji was willing, but... Were they enough?
Yes, we are.
Akira found himself relaxing into an invisible embrace.
Soon, we'll have a third. They'll grow so strong—we'll be unstoppable.
Akira bit back a moan and imagined Arsene's wings draping over him. He closed his eyes to feel their gentle, comforting embrace. Unbeknownst to him, a pair of sharp gray eyes watched him wrap his arms around his midsection from the darkness of a second-floor room.
Ryuji had yet to drag his desk back to its original row, and the teacher stopped asking weeks ago. Akira chose to harass Mishima instead of the classroom's other resident delinquent, obviously ignoring the blond.
'Who's making things awkward now, asshole?!' Ryuji pushed his chair away from the desk, purposefully scraping the legs across the floor to create a noise that could rival nails on a chalkboard. Akira never once glanced over his shoulder and that only served to piss Ryuji off even more. Mishima was just a toy to the transfer student. 'You said you loved me... Pay attention to me!'
Mishima released the shudder Akira fought so hard to repress. He attempted to look behind him, but Akira's fingers guided his head back around. The gentle, yet forceful touch vanished when his classmate was snatched out of his seat and dragged from the classroom. Mishima covered his face, muffling his whimpers.
 "Don't ignore me!" Ryuji snarled, tossing the brunet across the bathroom. He'd taken them to the nearest one and now proceeded to lock them inside.
Akira made a soft sound—a derisive chuckle—as he smoothed out the wrinkles in his uniform. "Isn't that what you've always wanted me to do?"
"Not after you go and confess to me! You didn't even give me time to think about it, and you act like you've already moved on."
"Maybe I have." Akira's smile was sickening to look at and Ryuji wanted to wipe it off his face. "Mishima is cute, and he'll listen to everything I have to say. Unlike a certain brute I know."
Ryuji stalked forward, crowding into Akira's space and forcing him to back up until he hit the wall. No. He wouldn't hit him; that wouldn't bode well for either of them. The predatory gleam in Ryuji's eyes, along with a sharp grin froze Akira in place. His eyes widened when the blond sank to his knees before him.
"Ryu—"
"This is what you wanted, isn't it?"
"Yes, but—"
"We've been dancing around each other since the fall of Kamoshida." Ryuji's fingers undid Akira's belt and buttons before slowly pulling the zipper of his fly downward. "I'm not easy, and I sure as hell feel like I'm cheating on Yusuke, but..." He tilted his head to stare at the teen above him, eyes bright with a strong resolve. "I want to do this."
Akira swallowed thickly and nodded. Ryuji grinned and returned to unwrapping his treat. Akira's head slammed against the wall, fingers clawing at its hard surface as he was enveloped by a warmth that brought him to a full hardness. He couldn't help but wonder how many times Ryuji did this with Yusuke—the blond was too good. Akira brought a trembling hand forward to rest atop the golden crown, but it was slapped away.
Ryuji pulled off and Akira whimpered at the loss, his hips thrusting forward pathetically to reclaim it. "I'm actually glad you don't see Yusuke every day like you see me. You'd be arrested for indecent exposure." As he talked, Ryuji arranged Akira's pliant body to his liking. He pulled both of his arms behind his back, using the weight of Akira's own body to keep them trapped there. "Or maybe you'd die from the blood constantly rushing here."
With both hands pressed firmly against Akira's hips to keep him from moving, Ryuji licked the twitching erection from base to tip, sucking the head back into his mouth. Up above him, it almost sounded like Akira was crying. 
Akira had cried—from absolute euphoric bliss. There was no hiding the tear tracks when he stumbled back into the classroom well past the lunch hour. He was easing himself into his chair when Ryuji sauntered into the room shortly after, slamming the sliding door shut behind him. His grin was triumphant and the students remained quiet, only speculating on what happened between the duo.
There was always a power battle in class 2-2 between their worst delinquents, and on rare occasions, Sakamoto Ryuji would end up victorious. This was one of those occasions.
Sakamoto would never ask the faculty anything, a fact he'd made clear during opening ceremonies of his second year. Security had to drag him from the stage as he screamed how he felt about adults and authority. So it was no surprise when the blond stopped at Mishima's desk to ask about the current lessons before making his way to the back of the room. He ignored Kurusu on the way there, not that the transfer student would have noticed.
Kurusu's head was resting on his desk, atop folded arms that acted as a pillow. He was currently working his way up the rank of test scores, so she would allow him to rest this once. Whatever Sakamoto did had obviously been brutal. 
x
Akira woke with a start, a hand pressed over his pounding heart. A golden arrow had been lodged there, courtesy of one "Robin Hood". It hadn't felt like a dream, though, which meant trouble was brewing. 
[part two] [part three] [part four] [part five] [part six]
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unalomero · 5 years
Text
Let's g0 g0 gadget
This belt was not equipt with the tools neccessary to let Sarah know I need time as a single lady.
Funny because the feeling I had when she kissed me was v similar to the time when I was getting over Cait and held hands with Kat that one night at the party. I cried myself to sleep that night because I felt myself losing my feelings i thought were forever.
Except ya girl isnt crying over that! Ya girl is focused on the positive and focusing on the now! Ya girl has herself surrounded and reminded by people on the daily on the love she got!
Because if I don't, uff there sure is a lot bad to focus on, but bay blade wont let that RIP on this dance floor tonight or any nights upcoming.
Talked with Cait again today too. She will always be my #1 rock and soulmate. Our mateship is friendship, but the kind I know lasts. Which is nice to be able to recognize! I am blessed to have had truly amazing friendships and the capacity to have great connections. I prefer cait and I as friends that we are now. We talk way too much on raising kids together though, which she would be such a great parent partner! She and I click so well and we both are always commenting how we need someone like each other, just not one another l0l which I agree 10000 % She always makes me feel safe and unjudged. She may not be the smartest when it comes to relative truths, but she is so well habile in the absolute truths. Seeing her grow has been such a pleasure too. We both thank one another almost every time of everything we have been through and of the things we have learned along the way and how we help one another.
Felt good to also cry a bit today to Cait. I needed to release what happened a month ago. I was getting p upset and felt how I initially wanted to place blame on Kat oddly... my poor brain has been v inclined to thinking negativly of her, but that's brain trying to teach itself to not play with fire anymore.
So sex bots. You know that big fear that kept me up for about a week at school and a week before leaving to MN? Well I got to meet my fear! I knew I deserved to fight and fought harder this time. What, Another??? family!!! friend!!! decided??? to assume that all a young female's body is for is takin and fuckin it?!?!?!
Do I have a sign tied on my back that says "Hey she doesnt deserve to be respected and treated kindly"? Cause jee, seems like that's a lot of what my life has consisted of. But dont get me wrong, more of my life has been spent being taken care of, dont fixate gurlll. ... But alas, what hasnt killed me has made me stronger and each of the bad makes me treasure the good. If that makes me seem "too happy" for you fucks, then try getting almost raped 3 times, not to count the 2 successful attempts, having to witness and break up parental domestic violence, 2 stalkers, an alcoholic and suicidal brother, not to mention also an occasional suicidal mother, losing a friend, being mugged 2 times, and losing family and friends to drugs, suicide, and gun violence. So yeah, I may be a little eccentric for you boring bots out there, but to me I'm happy I'm alive and the people around me are too. Yikes does it feel weird to type that out... Haha and the most painful of it all wasnt even when the worst of the worst was happening (except when mom was in the hospital for 4 days from what my dad did to her. That, that was as worse as the fear gets). WhT was worse was how consumed I let my everyday thinking get clouded by the drama and the pain.
When someone compliments my intelligence. Thank you. I didnt have parents that were always around or the best role models to help me learn. I mainly taught myself a lot to keep me distracted and keep me somewhere else. Which, when I think about it, a lot of the factoids I carried around like prized pieces went away a year ago around now. I let go of what kept me in an anxious check all the time. Relative truths are just but relative. They require an attachment to the material world, an unhealthy one a lot of the times. We get so convinced of a view and we let it change us and the relationships around it. All for the sake of what? Some hierarchy that has again found itself where it need not be.
No wonder I have problems with physical intimacy? No wonder Matty does too. So crazy how such similar trauma has created in my mind and experience, such similar minded people. I feel like I just get her thinking space a lot.
So another experience of having someone force themselves on you.
"Well Ashley you should have known"
Mother trucking sex bots, should I have??? Someone who helped raise me and was there for me as a baby? NO gosh darn it. But apparently things change when you have tits. I hate them sometimes. I hate my body.
When people say "you're just so beautiful" to my naked corpse, I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. It's not because I dont see beauty, but those words almost always followed abuse. Why cant I be told that when I'm in sweats and my favorite hoody, rocking a hella fun laugh and smile? Because that, that's when I feel beautiful.
So Deno,
I forgive you. I dont understand your actions, but I'm glad at least you ended up listening to me and wasnt as horrible as some men have treated me. I had courage this time to step up and not back down. What you tried to do and what you got away with is beyond what any apology would allot you. You could have further sent me into my distrust in men, but I wont give you anymore power than my other abusers have.
I am still getting over what happened before and I am still wrapping my mind around how so many good people keep coming after my ass. Ann said it best, "you're short and cute -a seemingly easy threat."
Well mother trucker, best be a scooting because I'm proud that I was able to stand up taller and not let this past indiscretion pull me down. It happened and well life can be shit sometimes. But guess what life is also amazing.
I have amazing friends and family who support me so much. I could be hella depressed and probably would be hadn't it been for working extremely hard on being mindful and present in the moment.
What I try not to think about are the words he said to me and how easily he could have not been so kind to let me go. I've had that. That's the kind of fear that
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darklarru · 7 years
Note
all of them. just fckin.. all of them. every single question. 1-100. good luck comrade.
fuck u, here it is:
1.      Is a kiss considered cheating?
-if theykiss a boy idm.
2.      Have you ever faked orgasm?
-yeahlmao
3.      If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
-shapeshifting
4.      Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?
-I fuckinhope so
5.      Tell us some funny drunk story.
-oh man,ive only been smashed once, and it was a night full of regrets and a lot ofcheating and gay stuff happened.
6.      Why are you no longer together with your ex?
-u knowwhat. fuck my ex, he was a manipulative cheating cunt and he broke up with meover snapchat.
7.      If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? 
-bathtuband sleeping pills, im out painlessly.
8.      What are your current goals?
-be asuccessful bitch and build myself up.
9.      Do you like someone?
-wheneverI think of feelings I take a shot so idk..
10.   Who was the last person to disappoint you?
-my ex.
11.   Do you like your body?
-eh imgetting there
12.   Can you keep a diet?
-no lmao
13.   If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?
-don’t discriminateagainst sex workers and treat them like actual people.
14.   Do you work?
-yep, gota retail job and everything.
15.   If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, whatwould it be?
-ayesalad, bc anything you cut up and put in a bowl is salad, so pizza salad, fruitsalad, ice cream salad, anything.
16.   Would you get a tattoo?
-hellyeah, im actually thinking about getting this floral one on my thigh, gottalike, tell my mum tho.
17.   Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?
-theperson I love,,
18.   Can you drive?
Ive onlyhad like, one driving test ever.
19.   When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?
-at therink on Friday? Someone said I was beautiful and that my ex didn’t deserve me:)
20.   What was the last thing you cried for?
-when I drinkI don’t cry, so ive been drinking a lot.
21.   Do you keep a journal?
-yep,serves as my receipts.
22.   Is life fun?
-ehhhhitll get there.
23.   Is farting in front of people irrelevant?
-I don’t reallycare, just warn me so I have time to get out of there.
24.   What’s your dream car?
-somethingI don’t have to use petrol for.
25.   Are grades in school important?
-justnail ur finals and ur good.
26.   Describe your crush.
-its tooearly homie
27.   What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?
-WONDERWOMAN HOLY SHIT A+
28.   What was your last lie?
-im fine
29.   Dumbest lie you ever told? 
-idk, I normallytell the truth, its such an effort to lie.
30.   Is crying in front of people embarrassing?
-no I doit all the time lmao
31.   Something you did and you are proud of?
-Teamedup with my Best Friend and Absolutely Called the shit out of my Ex out andfuckin roasted him.
32.   What’s your favourite cocktail?
-I haven’tdelved into cocktails too much yet, ive been drinking straight.
33.   Something you are good at?
-iceskating?? idk
34.   Do you like small kids?
-I hatekids so much
35.   How are you feeling right now?
-There
36.   What would you name your daughter/son?
-daughter:Lavender? Idk I just watched matilda and I was like what a pretty name, andboys: Christian?  
37.   What do you need to be happy?
-abillion dollars
38.   Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?
-my ex
39.   What was the last gift you received?
-does mycoworker buying everyone hot chocolates and frozen cokes during their shiftcount as a gift
40.   What was the last gift you gave?
-a fidgetcube?
41.   What was the last concert you went to?
-panic atthe disco in January :D
42.   Favourite place to shop at?
-ittotally was this gothic shop in Newtown, but then it moved and I don’t knowwhere it is anymore :/
43.   Who inspires you?
-myselfbitch
44.   How old were you when you first got drunk?
-18
45.   How old were you when you first got high?
-never
46.   When was your first kiss?
-when I was15? 16?
47.   Something you want to do until the end of this year?
-be amermaid, like fr, go follow mermaid_shelly on Instagram no joke.
48.   Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?
-dated myex
49.   Post a selfie.
-heres alink instead: http://darklarru.tumblr.com/post/161374174865/cat-cafe-aesthetic
50.   Who are you most comfortable around?
-my BestFriend
51.   Name one thing that terrifies you.
-to loseeverything I worked for
52.   What kind of books do you read?
-haventread a book in so long, but I like the fantasy genre
53.   What would you tell your 12 year old self?
-girl,girl, u gay as fuck
54.   What is your favourite flower?
-roses!!
55.   Any bad habits you have?
-speakingquietly
56.   What kind of people are you attracted to?
-peoplewho think the same as me
57.   What was the last thing you cried for?
-my ex :/
58.   Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?
-pickles,what r they doin, get outta here
59.   Are you in love?
-yeah imalways in love
60.   Something you find romantic?
-tealightcandles
61.   How long was your longest relationship? 
-like 3or 4 months
62.   What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?
-wereso,, bitchy.
63.   What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 
-they don’tknow what the fuck is up, they don’t listen, they always horny, theyre kindaviolent, theyre more hardcore and aggressive physically.
64.   What are you saving money for?
-anothermermaid tail,,, but also a house I guess
65.   How would you describe your bad side?
-emotional,angry, violent, temperamental, not thinking,, idk
66.   Are you actually a good person? Why?
-sometimesI guess, I try not to be shitty, but some people fuckin deserve it.
67.   What are you living for?
-a future
68.   Have you ever done anything illegal?
-probably
69.   Do you like your body?
-yeahsometimes
70.   Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?
-notunless we were fighting
71.   Ever sent nudes?
-whohasnt
72.   Have you ever cheated on someone?
-I cheatedon a guy with girl and I was very drunk, but then we said same sex cheating wasokay
73.   Favourite candy?
-redfrogs, gummy bears
74.   Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!
-imbarely on this hell site
75.   Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?
-adarkroomwas one of my Faves
76.   Favourite TV series?
-w.i.t.c.h.what a Classic
77.   Are you religious? Does God exist?
-yeah, imchill w god.
78.   What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?
-I haven’tread a book in so long yall.
79.   What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?
-kudos tothem who r doin it but I really love chicken.
80.   How long have you been on Tumblr?
-sinceyear 9, so like, 2013
81.   Do you like Chineese food?
-I am Chinese
82.   McDonalds or Subway?
-subwayyyy
83.   Vodka or whiskey?
-fuuuuuuck,,,fucking love vodka but it makes my face screw up in a bad expression, and I lovefireball whiskey, but like, vodka gets me fucked up faster.
84.   Alcohol or drugs?
-alcohol,don’t do drugs kids
85.   Ever been out of your province/state/country?
-ya
86.   Meaning behind your blog name?
-I lovetypos
87.   What gets you up in the morning?
-spite.
88.   What are you scared of?
-a lot ofthings
89.   Last time you were insulted?
-wednesday
90.   Most traumatic experience ?
-my bf atthe time, was fuckin, chewin his toenails in his mouth, and I forgot bc he wasbein sweet n he stuck his tongue out to touch mine, n I stuck mine out too n I fuckni,,.,,,. touched the toenail w my mouth I nearly threw up, I felt my soul ejectfrom my body for a second.
91.   Perfect date idea?
-picnicdaate, and watching the stars and cuddling
92.   Favourite app on your phone?
-instagram?I check it the most.
93.   What colour are the walls in your room?
-white
94.   Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?
-daviddobrik tbh
95.   Share your favourite quote.
-ifsomeone tells you that they hurt you, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.
96.   What is the meaning of life?
-when thestreets are empty and the moon is shining and nobody is awake and its chilly,but your alone and maybe the wind is blowing through the grass, or whatever.
97.   Do you like horror movies?
-fuck nah
98.   Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?
-I signedup for Netflix and didn’t tell her.
99.   Do you feel lucky or special in a way?
-I amspecial
100. Can you keep a secret?
-ya justmake sure u tell me its important.
0 notes
azjumper · 7 years
Text
#2016goals. The last one.
I made it. Holy shit what a year.
I’m just completely blown away by all this. What started as a New Year’s Resolution has completely changed my life. I don’t even know where to start! This is probably going to be some kind of long, rambling, disorganized post, so please bear with me.
I had like 20 goals that I started with, and looking at them now http://azjumper.tumblr.com/post/136862483917/ways-i-want-to-improve-myself-in-2016 ) I did such a damn good job of keeping them. I got fit, ate healthier, ate less sugar. I got to my goal of drinking water! 2000ml a day now! I hardly ever pick my face! I almost never add to the scars on my arms and legs. Even little things like floss and moisturize more, I’ve been more consistent about it. I can ride my unicycle! And play my guitar!!! I’m learning Through the Valley now! I exercise so often, its a part of my life. I don’t binge eat nearly as much as I did before I started this journey. Even shit like cut and dye my hair- I DID THAT! I HAVE RED HAIR RIGHT NOW! 
I have come so far on all of my goals. And I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t commit to these Goals.
I just looked through my #2016goals tag and wow was that a rollercoaster of emotion. I had such a year. Up and down. Hot damn it was a rough time. I wanted to give up, to say Fuck it, to die. But I didn’t. I pressed on, and look where I am today. So much better than I was a year ago. 
Lookin back on the year, I can tell my peak was in summer, when I was active and working out like 6 hours a day. I know I can’t be that way during the school year and thats okay. What matters is that I’m trying and I’m taking care of myself.
I eat so much healthier than I did a year ago. I’m now vegetarian, and working towards a plant-based diet. I want to do this well. I want to be healthy while doing this. And I will be. This year was the healthiest I’ve ever been, even if sometimes it didn’t feel like it. 
I am so strong. I am physically so much better than I’ve ever been. Again, my peak was over summer, but I’m glad I had that. I plan on getting it again, for good. I can kick ass now and I’m proud of it. I love my body, even if I don’t feel like it sometimes. 
On the other hand, 2016 was a bit rough, mentally. Kylie was right. 2016 was the year of realizing stuff. I realized I am not just upset sometimes, I am dealing with depression and anxiety. I’ve kinda accepted that. I also understand now that I deal with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’ve always always always been extremely self-critical. To a point of obsession. I think this is where the idea for my Goals came from. My aspiration to be perfect. But I know it is unattainable. It is impossible for everyone. But I can never stop trying, and I will always push myself to that. Even if I’m never truly satisfied with who I am, I can recognize that it is the BDD talking, not logic. I hope to be able to work with that in 2017. I realized that I am not perfect mentally, and that’s okay. I will improve, in spite of that.
2016 has challenged me so much. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I made it. I made it goddammit. And I’m so proud of that. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come, and how hard I’ve tried. I’m so fuckin proud of the progress I have made. So I am so excited to see what 2017 has in store for me.
Finally.
I am happy.  
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brianjameson · 5 years
Text
So I’m settled in at my moms place.
I’ll be here for a few months until I get on my feet again. Being at home is keeping me a little grounded since I’m around family. I can tell grieving is still very difficult for me. I feel like I grieve mainly at night when I’m alone. During the day and when I’m around my family I’m not as much since I’m distracted and that’s probably why it seems like I’m handling everything well.
I’ve been finally indulging in the things I like to do without feeling guilty about it since I’m always trying to work. I’ve been catching up on shows, reading magazines, shopping and just wasting time doing that. I’m ALWAYS fucking responsible and doing things to keep me busy and working ahead but right now I’m saying fuck it all. I’m fine where I’m at and just really need to take time to myself and take care of my mental health and what I feel I need right now to help me get right. I know this feeling will never go away but I need to find what it is that will help me cope with the situation. 
Something I’m not proud about doing is stress eating… Fuck man, I’ve never been that person but I’ve been eating so much bullshit at night when I’m having cravings and I’m upset, mainly fuckin ice cream. Ugh..
On a side note, I’ve been reading a book called “Hello from Heaven” it’s a book about all these people who have had experiences of seeing passed loved ones and I get jealous as to why I haven’t had something like that happen to me. If anyone can explain this, please message me because it really does get frustrating.. I’d like to think I’m a spiritual person in touch with feeling people from the other side when they’re around, so I don’t understand why I haven’t seen Nick manifest at least once.. I know, probably sounds crazy.
I guess we can dive into everything that’s been going on now to make sense of everything.
Metaphor 1
Picture standing in front of an empty room of glass with water rising. You can see the water rising and once it fills up and begins to crack, it breaks and all at once you feel everything hit you.
It’s nothing I can control and sometimes it’s more water than I expect and that feeling of drowning my anxiety which comes in.
Anxiety turns into an emotion you can’t control and Xanax seems to be the control right now but I know if I depend on it too much I won’t be dealing with grieving.. I’m already having a hard time dealing with everything as it is and my mind is starting to lock everything in a trauma vault and not really letting me reach it most times. I can tell I’m shutting down on emotions unwillingly but it’s because I know my mind is protecting itself and I can feel it because I feel myself going numb.. I pay attention to everything I’m feeling and this same thing happened when Joey passed away. I was so numb that I wanted something to just fucking hurt me so I could feel. I wanted to feel a physical pain so strong that the emotional pain would go away. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions other than by writing.. I’ve been listening more to heavy metal than any other genre of music just because it helps with my anger and stress. The screaming and heavy guitar honestly does help. I know it sounds silly but it works for me. Country has been my alternative when I want to feel because Nick loved country and was the one who got me into it.
I love finding new music and that’s been another great outlet for me so far.
Metaphor 2
Grieving has also been working like different rooms.
One day I’ll walk into a room of work and happiness and once the day goes dark it turns into sadness so then I leave that room to a different room of activities and fun or relaxation and things to keep my mind distracted and most times this one works but I know deep down the master bedroom is where I’m headed to last and is the 1 room that holds all the valuables and true emotions at heart that you can’t control. The one room you can’t escape that makes you face the problem and try to understand things.
Thanksgiving this year was obviously painful.
I woke up and it was sort of cloudy. I was really quite and had gone out the night before for my brothers birthday. He woke up late so it was just me and my nephew in the living room. He was on his phone watching videos and I was on my iPad just looking up what I could buy for myself. I keep trying to make myself happy by just buying whatever I want for myself and it definitely helps. I am materialistic and I love buying nice shit and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I sat there and just stared outside for awhile and thought of what the day would be like if we were still in the apartment.
In my head all that was playing is how the day would go. I know that he would be on the couch watching TV I’d most likely be getting up late and giving him a good morning kiss and asking what time we were going to start cooking everything. Thanksgiving was very bonding for he and I because we would be dancing in the kitchen and cooking and laughing about random stuff and taking photos of each other.
The day before I was already starting to feel all the emotions come on that I knew I was going to feel, just the realization that we wouldn’t be cooking together. The past 2 Thanksgivings, Nick and I would always cook everything and take it to my moms house. My mom works so hard and she never has time for anything so I would always make sure he and I would buy everything and we would just take it to her house and feed the whole family.
Since that wasn’t going to happen this year, I told my mom I wasn’t cooking shit, I wasn’t buying shit I was just going to let her and my brother kind of figure it out if they wanted to cook but I was not about to pull all the weight for the day. For once I needed everyone else to be strong because I definitely wasn’t going to be. We decided to just go have dinner at Scarpetta. I had remembered that my good friend Wendy invited me to go with her because she and her family were going to dinner at Scarpetta so luckily I was able to make a reservation and took the family. It was a wonderful dinner as usual, service is always impeccable and it was great to just be able to joke with the family. Since this was so out of the ordinary and something we never really do for the holidays, it was hitting me a little bit more at dinner.
It’s the simple fact that everything is changing, the fact he’s gone and that we didn’t cook dinner this year. It’s breaking out of all the routines I was used to do with him and missing his presence and love during the holiday seasons and cold days. I realized how much I needed him on Thanksgiving. I wasn’t really thinking much about it being Thanksgiving but the minute I thought about how it wasn’t he and I cooking together this year it really hit me.. I can tell it’s still playing in my subconscious and even though I might not notice how I’m feeling, the minute my subconscious surfaces, everything floods in again.
Metaphor 3
The subconscious works like when you play a sad song you know and like.
The song is familiar to you and no matter how many times you hear it you know the words and lyrics and sometimes you enjoy the song and sometimes it makes you cry when it’s really applying to how you feel.
That’s what’s happening…
Everything is playing in my head in the background and I’m sort of aware of it but the minute I find things that remind me of him or something that makes me miss him, it’ll all manifest and I’ll begin to cry.
Thankful
Aside from missing him and Thanksgiving being hard, I want to give thanks.
I give thanks to all my friends and family who have been there for me during this really hard time. I’m thankful for all the things I have and for my mom who has helped me with all of this and has just tried to be there for me as much as she can. I’m thankful for having a place to be able to go back to since I had to move. Thankful for my brother helping me move and for talking me through this.
I’m thankful for the job I have and the wonderful people I work with that have really helped me so much with this whole situation, especially Barb the owner of the salon I work at.
I’m thankful for just being blessed with truly having some genuine people in my life that love me and care about me. I always think how other people would be getting through a situation like this who might not have someone reaching out to them and caring about them and just can’t imagine not having support.
Yeah it’s great to buy yourself shit and have all the nice things in life but there’s no better feeling than to have loyal loving people in your life.
Love is what makes my world go round, I need it and need to give it to feel complete and I’ve felt so much of it the past few weeks that has made me not feel so alone.
So thank you to everyone who has been there for me, who loves me and who is my true friend and family. 
Nick
Before I met you I always told myself
I want a guy that’s from a small town. I want him to not be so corrupted by the world and social media. I want a guy that will love me and be wild about me like I would be for him. I want a guy that’s tall and handsome with a beard. Most importantly, a guy who would see me for me.
That’s when you came along and changed my world. I manifested everything I wanted in a guy and you were that form it came in. Sure there were things I realized that came with that price but it’s nothing we couldn’t work out and we definitely did work out most differences between us.
Nicks and his friend Jens
Me and Nick ❤
Me my aunt Vilma, Leiani (leslies daughter) and Nick 🙂
Diana, Leslie, Nick, and I
I’m thankful for the love and memories you gave me. You showed me love, you showed me kindness, you showed me what it felt like to be completely and genuinely adored. You showed me faithfulness and loyalty. You were everything I ever wanted in a man and because of that I will always honor your memory. I feel lost without you, I feel more alone than ever, but even though I might be going crazy day at a time, I still have a love so strong for you and will always remember our times cooking together for Thanksgiving..
I LOVE THE PETER PAN RIDE!!!!
Today marks 3 years that we went to Disney Land together for one of our first dates. I’ll never forget getting that speeding ticket on the way there! lol.
I love you…Happy Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving with Perspectives So I'm settled in at my moms place. I'll be here for a few months until I get on my feet again.
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saijbergman19-blog · 6 years
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Hurting myself is the only time I feel ok anymore...and why shouldn't I? I have nothing to be happy about I have nothing you were everything to me so how the fuck am I supposed to just be ok no I'm sorry but I'm not ok and now that I've started self harm again idk if I'll ever stop because like I said every day I get a little bit worse ya I have a job ya I go to work everyday ya I'm changing and bettering myself but I'm not happy and with out you none of that shit even fucking matters I don't care about myself I care about you and ya you want me to live a long life so you can be happy knowing I'm alive well I'm sorry but I can't do that yes your happiness matters more then mine but I'm incapable of making you happy when all you do is make me unhappy and hurt I care about you more then I care about myself but I can't promise not to hurt myself or one day end my life and maybe I just always misunderstand when you say "don't give up" maybe you just mean on life but I always think you mean us and you but that's probably not even the case that's just me and my false hope it's selfish to say your happiness means more then mine but I can't promise to make you happy by promising not to cut or one day end my life but it's also really selfish to ask me to live a long lonely miserable life of missing you and hurting over you and being depressed and dead inside while you go have a family and make a new life with him and go find happiness in someone else and leave me with the broken heart while you live in success and happiness and expect to just love my life like that dead inside and broken just so you can be happy either your selfish or I am both those things are selfish how can you sit there and truly tell yourself this is the right path and the right thing to do when I know deep in your heart you know me and you belong together why are you the one running away now? Why are you afraid why donMt you believe in me why don't you trust me? You are moving so fast with him and it blows my mind within a couple months you guys already planned to get a house together and make a life together yet you didn't do that with me I'm so sick of this I don't know what to say to you anymore nothing I do or say matters anymore all I want is to be with you but you don't and I don't want to be a second choice but if I'm being realistic here I'm not even a second choice I'm your last resort I'm where you are gonna run when he hurts you and leaves you which he will and leaves you homeless and alone you even said it yourself you can't deny it because you told me yourself you'll only come back if and when he leaves you and I finally have my life together and you have nothing and nowhere to go you said you'd come to me and that shows me I'm beyond the second choice I'm the last resort you say you donMt hate me but you look down on me heavily and you dislike me as a person and donMt think I'm good for you that's pretty close to hating me you want nothing to do with me at all....everyday I feel worse and less wanted I feel you slipping away day by day I feel you disappearing and it kills me I'm trying so hard to hold on to you but you aren't holding on back...this isn't even close to how I treated you I never ever did this and I never could have done this I may have suppressed dating but I showed my affection i expressed my emotions and feelings in words and physical affection I told you I loved you in person I made it known I don't hold anyone higher then you and I'm closer to you the anybody in my life I'm sorry I get mad and rant but you have no idea the extent of my pain and you really really hurt me by ignoring me when I cut and ignoring my birthday...I waited the past five days for a message from you just one...but nothing...just a small little status on tumblr a whole 5 days later and a day after my birthday...... one day though I'm not gonna be alive anymore....and I think your really gonna wish you had taken me back honestly I try so hard to hold onto hope but I always just feel you are done with me and are never gonna come back and never give me a chance and I'm seriously coming to peace with my own death like I did senior year all I want to do is die aside from wantin you I just want to die all I ever do is repeat the same shit over and over I'm getting nowhere with you at all I don't enjoy any part of my life with you in it before you I was a lost cause I was in this exact place and you saved my life and sparked my heart and I am so in love with you why isn't that enough?! Why am I not enough why was he when you only talked for a few months we have years we have so much more connection so much more in common so much history and love and wonderful memories how the fuck is he worth leaving your entire life you built the past 5 years in this town rather then continuing to build the good life you had with me and how much better it could have gotten why can't we just start over God damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You left me so fast and so damn easily and you expect me to just be ok? I can't move on Christine I just can't and everyday I get worse an worse one of these days I'm just not gonna be able to take anymore and just like how I self harm again after so long of holding strong I'm gonna keep breaking because your obviously done with me and never coming back so it's obvious I'll never get better and more and more problems with grow with me and I'll just get more and more unhappy and eventually I won't be able to fight anymore and I'm just gonna buy a gun and that's it I wish you would just start over with me I wish you would be proud of me and appreciate all my effor an all i'm doing to fight for you like i try so hard to be nice and not get mad and not blow up hurting and believe you love me and believe you'll come home one day I try so hard to be understanding and patient I try so hard to calm and do my best to try and show you I'm still here and I love you but you give me very little and my anxiety and fear takes over and you don't ever really talk to me and you aren't here for me so things just get bottled up and then build and build and then when we finally talk or you post something I start blowing up with eerything I'm sorry......I wish I was stronger I just want to be yours I just miss you so much and I love you so much and it makes me feel crazy and it pushes me to do crazy shit I really feel dead without you and it just seems nothing I do or say matters anymore I feel I'm not making any progress I feel you are done with me over me an want me to just shut the fuck up and be a man and get over you and leave you alone so you can stop caring or destroy what ever feelings you have left and move on from me and be happy finally I feel you feel I am not good for you or your life I'm sorry I get mad and freak out but again we never talk your never here for me so shit just builds up but I'm hurting so much and sometimes I just wanna freak out at you but again I'm also trying so hard to get you back but I'm fuckin failing seems he out does eerything I do and out says everything I say because nothing I do or say is ever good enough for you to come back I'm so lost I really don't know what to do and I'm really loosing touch with wanting to even live long enough to see if you come back to me it's not fair to ask me to wait for something that you may never give me but want me to wait for it's not fair for me to wait for you to never come back it's also not fair to make me wait and show me I'm nothing but a last resort because I suck so much....it's no fair to ask me to live my life for you when you won't be with me it's not fair for you to say it's not fair If I hurt myself because all I'm gettin from you is heartbreak and you won't make the pain go away so why the hell can I not hurt myself when one I deserve it for ruining us and two you make me feel I've got nothing left with you why should it make you unhappy what I do when you don't even want to be a part of who i am and what I do anymore it just makes no sense....you can't just love and care about me forever and about my happiness but not really care and love me enough to be with me and actually make me happy.....why can't we just be together we are so good together so perfect so made for each other..idek what the fuck I'm still typing for I know you aren@5 gonna hit me up but shit just builds up and I always want to talk and I have so much I want to say but I never can nothing I say matters I just feel like you are never gonna come back but I can't fucking handle the thought of trying to give up on you and us I love you way to much I'm just incapable of wanting something else you are all I want I'm sorry I freak out but I only do because I care because I love you and because I miss you and worry and want you I don't do it to unload my anger or emotions on you I freak out because I care and I want you to know how I feel I want you to know it's real I just don't understand why you don't believe me as why my love and my 100% devotion isn't enough for you....i really love you I really do I wish you believed me and I wish I was good enough still you've always been good enough....the only way I'd ever promise not to hurt myself was if you came home with out you I am just incapable of ever being happy or in love or alive or feeling like my life has worth after a certain point I'm just not gonna be able to deal with the truth and what I fear the truth is is that your done with me forever you are in love with him and he's now all you want I fear I have no chance I feel you don't aren't in love with me anymore I feel you hate me you say you donMt but your actions show something else entirely I fear this is the end of our story together I feel I'll never see you again never hug you again never hear your voice again never feel your warmth again never feel the calming warming peace that came over me when I laid with you can't you see I'm really all for you? CanMt you see I'd do anything....can't you see we were made of each other?....I can't help but feel it's all over with us how can you ask me not to give up on you when you spend every waking minute fighting for him committing to him and building a life with him how can I hold onto hope when I see you putting all your effort and time into him making him your priority and number 1.....
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