#also very proud of this whole thing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kyoupann · 9 months

Text

From almost a year ago; what multiple scoliosis looks on me

So, my hip is a lil bit slanted and that makes one of my legs longer than the other; and so my spine tried to balance things out by turning into an S-shape. I never really considered it a disability because I can go on with my day most days without pain, even when the doctor who diagnosed me was like "yup, if you have kids you're gonna suffer even more and by 40 you'll probs need a wheelchair";

however, there are moments after walking for long periods (or really just bad days) where my hips hurt so bad I just wanna pass out, trying to walk real fast makes my right hip make a popping sound and it's painful, like a cramp. When I am with people that walk faster than my top speed (most of my friends rip) I either gotta try to keep up and bear the pain or stay behind watching the distance between us grow. It's really isolating in that sense. I can't lift more than 15k without my back resenting it later (I can't carry one of my dogs :( ) and let's not talk about sports that involve running 😂 I used to dance and that in of itself was a challenge for me; I'd be so sore after each routine, even after warming up. Wearing a back-brace(? Support thingy helps when sitting down for long periods but other than stretching exercises, there isn't much I can do about my fucked up back

Sometime all September and October last year I was going through a very hard time dealing with body image issues. Tbh, I'm still am. So I did the very logical thing of taking some pics and painting them. This was the first time I had ever done some sort of portrait and it was cathartic in a way; I encountered the idea that my body will never look a certain way because of my back issues. I have always had "love handles" more noticeable on one side than the other. I'd think that if my back was a bit straighter, I'd probably not have them at all. The amount of times I've tried to stand as straight as possible, trying to get them to disappear... yeah, that's embarrassing. But oh well, surgery isn't really an option for me so I gotta work on making peace with them🫠. Which is something I want to work on, so here's to that!

Anyways, I spent a good chunk of this month thinking if I should post in this so here it goes aaa

#Hpersonal #bullet journal #scoliosis awareness #scoliosis #disability month #disability pride month #anyways I rememver that I was really proud of how the skin turned out I actualy felt good after painting this #catch me coming to term with calling this a disability even though I didn't really consider it one until recently that it dawned on me #that I can't do lots of things because of it #and while it would be considered a mild case #it's still very uncomfortable to live with it #sobs I just leaned back and my spine popped #anyways shout out to me falling off a horse for getting me diagnosed!!#if that hadn't happened I would probably be living in pain that didn't know where it came from #I think what bothers me the most about this whole thing is that people think I'm lazy for not engaging in more active activities #when in fact I do want to #I just don't want to be in pain yk #also it okie to reblog or whaetver :'D

29 notes · View notes

aldoesthings · 2 years

Text

a long analysis of season 2 episode 13, “mizumono”

hello! after many days of deliberation, i've finally decided to go off the rails and write down all the thoughts i have about the thirteenth episode of season two, “mizumono”, as i consider it to be the best one in the series.

you better strap in folks, it's gonna be a long one. also, do keep in mind that these are just my personal thoughts- i'm in no way implying this is the "correct" interpretation to have about this episode, and i encourage you all to re-watch it and try to see how it makes you feel! reblogs are appreciated!

(also, @alas-the-void-screams-back wanted to be tagged in this, so here you go!)

first of all, i'd like to """briefly""" talk about what i consider nbc's hannibal to be about. as many before me have said, the series places an enormous deal of importance on the subject of being seen. but what does that actually mean?

the way i see it, the main characters of this show are opposites on the subject of how people perceive them. what i mean by this is that a lot of the people that surround hannibal- his acquaintances, his dinner guest- are merely distractions who think they know who the man in front of them is. the people surrounding will, on the other hand, are unable to shake the fortress he has built around himself. he's a mystery to them.

the shallow people around hannibal see the dinner parties, the colorful suits, the intellectuality of the man in front of them, and think that's what there is to see. but as he himself says, he has worked very hard to blind them.

will, on the other hand, is simply opposed to having people try to perceive him in any way- and yes, i know that sounds funny, but english isn't my first language and i have no better words for it- after all, his empathic nature has caused him to be unsure which parts of him are actually his, and what parts are simply reflections that have been left there by all the other minds he's entered during his life.

with all this being said, let's return to the theme. being "seen" is something that these two characters have both grown to be opposed to, hannibal to remain hidden under his person suit, and will to escape from having to address the darker thoughts in his head. this makes it even more enticing when they both realize that is what's happening between them.

the slow process of stripping away parts of themselves to show the other becomes intoxicating to them, even when they don't realize what that fully means, at least not yet.

let's start with the actual episode.

(keep in mind- i won't go over every single scene, just the ones that, y'know, i have something to say about, lol.)

the opening

so. the episode begins with hannibal inviting jack to dinner. by this point in the show, we are aware that will is playing both sides- but we, as the audience don’t yet know who he will end up helping in the end. the anticipation of it is what has driven us to this point, this conversation that is constructed in such a way that it seems as if the three characters are conversing to each other.

will carries himself through it with sharp retorts and answers. after all, he must feel some sort of sense of power- he is the only one that is holding all the cards in his hands, finally in control of the two most overbearing (in very different ways) presences in his life.

the mounting tension between the three is only adding fuel to the fire, as both jack and hannibal are almost desperate to make sure will is on their own side. this is where we also hear one of my all time favorite quotes from this series, written by thomas harris himself:

“when the fox hears the rabbit scream, it comes running. but not to help.”

not only is this hannibal trying to make sure will won’t betray him (the ever-distrustful bastard), it is also a perfect representation of hannibal himself- just think about the entirety of season one.

we don’t know whether will’s desire to see hannibal punished for what he has done is still greater than his own mounting need to be understood. audiences generally tend to latch onto the first version of a character we meet, almost being dismissive of negative changes in them when they happen, until they’re slapped in the face with a turning point so enormous it is impossible to ignore. this is, certainly, what has happened to will- we maybe, subconsciously, want to still see that fbi profiler that would have given up his own sanity to close a case, but the truth is that will has not been that in an extremely long time.

the office scene

ooh, boy. this scene is, quite literally, hannibal burning his whole life to the ground. his patient records, so intrinsically tied to his work life, something that has helped to craft the mask he wears every day, are getting carelessly tossed to the ground. just like they are being torn apart and burned, will is slowly tearing pieces of that mask away, leaving nothing but ashes.

it is so incredibly telling that as hannibal speaks of leaving this life behind, he uses the pronoun “we”, as if the idea of will not being with him in this new beginning is so preposterous, so unthinkable, that it hadn’t even crossed his mind. he talks about it freely, as if it is a given.

and will indulges this, mind you, talking about only needing a stream. and he is so truthful when saying this that the audience almost forgets what is actually happening, the fact that will is playing one step ahead, because in this conversation, he is not. he’s simply giving other pieces of himself to hannibal, because how could he not?

which is when the audience is abruptly reminded of the stinging betrayal they knew was coming.

this revelation (for hannibal) is so incredibly striking not only because we did not expect it to happen at that moment, but also because it now adds another element of suspense to the story of the episode. the piano sting accompanying what can only been described as the confused and hurt expression on hannibal’s face is what sealed the deal about this episode for me the first time i watched it (and i hadn’t even gotten to the really good parts yet).

this element, added to the ticking clock that can be heard throughout the entire episode (both a reminder and a count-down, for what, we don’t yet know), and to the knowledge that we have that this season will end with a bloody fight between jack and hannibal, is what makes us sit at the edge of our seat.

that kitchen. that damn kitchen

alright, well. let’s do this.

first of all, will’s call. all the doubts the audience had on where this character stood, doubts he had until this point, dissolve the moment he hears hannibal’s voice, as he himself states later on, in season three. simply hearing him say “hello” is enough for will to make a decision that he is aware will change the course of his life once more- the first change being meeting hannibal- and so he tells him, in a very succinct and quick way, as if ripping off a bandaid. “they know,” is all is said before he hangs up. yet, those words are an explanation, an offering, and an apology, all simultaneously.

the fight between jack and hannibal is as raw and brutal as we would expect of them. jack is a very real, flawed character, one that the audience is able to see themselves in for the entirety of the series: his unflinching belief in justice (and also his own hurt and rage) has brought him here, and as such he is driven by the need to make sure the chesapeake ripper hurts no one else. and if that means having to kill him, then so be it.

alana’s own attempt at hannibal’s life cements her as an incredibly strong, decided character. the burning shame she feels at having been blind to the monster in front of her gives way to a single-minded resolve to remedy her actions. this is followed by abigail’s reveal which, apart from being surprising (because, well, she’s alive), also shocks you when she, as far as she knows, murders alana, a woman that had been nothing but kind to her in the brief time they had known each other.

will finally walks into the kitchen, the core of hannibal’s house, its own beating heart. it has seen horrors beyond comprehension, humanity itself being laid out and eaten on its counters. it has seen and heard everything. that changes when will, soaked from the rain, quietly steps into it one last time.

will’s agonized expression at seeing abigail is quickly replaced by pure anger as he turns towards hannibal. he had called him, told him to go, to run away, offered it as an apology, and yet he had remained. and the answer hannibal gives is enough to shock him into silence.

“we couldn’t leave without you.”

hannibal has said them, the words that had been hanging in the air between the two of them for a while, and it almost seems like it should be a sin, putting what they had been feeling into words. will does not respond. how could he? he doesn’t make a sound, not even as hannibal cups his cheek. he knows what will happen.

the visual of hannibal tenderly holding will, opposed to the knife tearing through his abdomen and the absolute agony in his voice as he almost tries to silence his sobs and groans of pain, as if he doesn’t want to disturb the moment, is still one of the most horrifyingly beautiful scenes i’ve ever seen in a show.

the performance mads mikkelsen gives is raw, as hannibal starts talking and finally lets the audience understand what it feels like to be seen.

it is vile. it is like the other is reaching into your chest with their bare hands, shuffling your organs around, fundamentally changing your structure. it is feeling something claw its way up your throat, blocking it and constricting it, making you ask yourself if you’ll ever breathe again. it burns all the defenses one has built over time down to ash that the other is able to blow away with a small puff of air. it is something that makes you want to rip away the carefully constructed pieces of yourself you’ve created around your core, laying all the deepest parts of your conscience bleeding at the other’s feet.

it is beautiful. it is addicting, the feeling of not having to be afraid, because the other already knows you, sees you for who you are, even when you truly, desperately tried to hide it. they see the dark and still accept you despite it all- no, not despite it all, because of it all. it is intoxicating.

hannibal is sure, so sure, that what will has done is reject him. the heaviness of being seen is immediately followed by the disgusting, painful beyond belief, sting of betrayal. after all, he has tried to trap him, and will knows this.

the hot shame of having laid yourself bare in front of someone else has made hannibal lash out, desperate to protect the exposed, delicate parts he’s showed. his words ring in will’s head, and still then, laying on the floor, feeling the life drain from his body, he needs to reassure hannibal that no, he would’ve never taken his life from him. but to hannibal, his life is synonymous with his freedom. if he is not free, he is not alive.

and yet, as hannibal slices abigail’s throat while will begs him under them, as she lays down too, resigned to the fact she is destined to die on her father’s kitchen floor, forgiveness has already taken place inside hannibal’s heart. something he cannot explain, something he will carry with him.

mizumono is capable of showing its themes of love and betrayal in such a nuanced, precise way. the dialogue, the characters, are so finely tuned that nothing, not one single line, feels out of place.

i know this was a bit long, but hey, i just wanted to get it out. please, the only thing i ask in return is for the people who read this to reblog it- i’m incredibly proud of it! i’d like for it to be read by many! thank you for stopping by. ;)

209 notes · View notes