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lightsupinthenorth · 4 years

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Read me like an open book part 1/2

Hey! :) Here is the first part of a two-part (at least I think ah ah) Harringrove fanfiction. It’s set a few years after the events of the third season (which Billy survived, obviously ^^). It starts on Steve’s birthday just because it’s my birthday today :p

I hope you’ll enjoy ;)

Read on AO3

“It’s presents time, bitches!” Robin said, getting up from the floor, where Steve was still sprawled with Billy half-laying on top of him.

They might have overdone it a little on the weed. Steve didn’t really care, though. He was relaxed and happy. So far, his twenty-first birthday had been the best birthday ever. Robin and Billy had organized a surprise gathering in their shared flat, inviting the kids, Nancy and Jonathan, as well as Joyce and Hopper. After everyone had left earlier in the evening, Robin had gone to her room and had come back with a bag of weed bought by Billy and her for the occasion, and they had gotten positively baked.

Billy and Robin had insisted to give him his present when it was just the three of them instead of doing it at the same time as the others. When Steve had seen the weed, he had understood why. So, he was confused when Robin mentioned presents.

“What presents?”

“Your birthday presents, dingus. I know you’re high right now, but I didn’t think you were high enough to forget your own birthday.” Robin cackled.

“Hey, I haven’t forgotten. I just kinda thought… wasn’t the weed the present?”

“Pfff, no.” Billy replied. “What kind of present would that be? As if we didn’t already smoke weed on the regular.”

He made them sound like potheads. They didn’t smoke that often… Then again, it did happen more frequently than their respective birthdays.

“Yo, Buckley, can you go to my room and fetch my present for Steve too, now that you’re at it. It’s in the drawer of my bedside table.” Billy yelled, a lot louder than was necessary considering Robin was just in the next room.

Steve whined. Billy’s voice was reverberating in his head.

“Sure, you lazy fuck.” She yelled back, just as loud.

They were so noisy!

“Open mine first!” Robin said as she sat down on the floor again, extending a rectangular package.

Steve had to detangle himself from Billy, ignoring his mumbled complaints, before he tore into the brightly colored wrapping paper. He uncovered a thick book with a beautiful cover representing a sky full of stars. It was titled Long live the King.

“I know you’ve taken to reading, these days, and this novel is amazing.” Robin assured.

“It’s really not that good.” Billy grumbled, with a roll of his eyes.

“Oh, you read it too?” Steve asked.

“Uh… yeah, I did.”

Billy was staring at Robin when he said it. And he was frowning.

“Don’t listen to him, Steve, he’s being a buzzkill. You’re going to love it.”

“I’m sure I will. Thanks Rob.” Steve hugged her.

He hoped Billy would still agree to help him with the book, even if he didn’t like it much. Ever since he knew Steve had trouble with written words, Billy would read to him all the time. It had become their thing. Steve loved his voice. Well, Steve loved everything about him, but that was off topic.

“Now, here’s Hargrove gift.”

Robin basically dropped the gift in Steve’s lap. The wrapping paper had multi-colored stars on it. Steve unraveled it carefully and found a set of pencils and a beautiful sketchbook. Billy and Robin’s gifts kind of coordinated aesthetically speaking, which was nice. Indeed, on the cover of the notebook was a drawing of the night sky, with the sea represented underneath. “My sea of stars”, was written on the front.

Steve used to doodle distractingly during class. He’d been doing it since primary school. After he had graduated, his doodling habit had spread to his daily life. He would draw lines absentmindedly while he was on the phone or trace random shapes on discarded pieces of paper when he was watching TV but was too fidgety to focus. He hadn’t been seriously committed to drawing, though. He had only started making it into a real hobby after Starcourt. Billy had been the one to suggest it, in fact. After he’d literally come back to life, Steve and he had become good friends, and Billy had noticed his little habit and had bought him a sketch pad. Drawing helped Steve a lot. Gave him something to do when he was feeling restless, which was the case more often than not after the whole ‘Upside-Down and co’ experience.

Steve was frustrated by his lack of technique, at first, and had almost given up on several occasions. But Billy had always been there to cheer him up and keep him going. He was certain Billy hadn’t even realized his compliments and encouragements had prevented Steve from calling it quits at least a dozen times. They spent hours together in their living room, on the couch, Steve drawing while Billy wrote in his huge notebook, with his feet on Steve’s lap. Steve was eager to spend many more hours that exact same way, drawing on the new sketchbook Billy had offered him.

“It’s… it’s really nice, Billy. I love it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Pretty boy.”

They hugged, and Billy didn’t let him go, half-climbing on him again as they laid back down.

“Ugh, guys, seriously, get a room.” Robin complained, which led to Steve blushing and Billy flipping her the bird.

Steve would have attributed Billy’s behavior to the weed, but they had gotten more and more tactile since the beginning of their friendship about two years prior, so the weed didn’t have much to do with it. Except that maybe Billy would have waited for Robin to go to bed before attaching himself to Steve like a koala, if he hadn’t been high.

Either way, Steve was far from complaining: the more Billy touched him, the better.

Before he went to bed that night, Steve took his secret sketchpad – the one in which he drew his best friend page after page (like an obsessed creep) – from under his mattress, and drew the version of Billy he had seen earlier: high Billy, with his lax body and hazy eyes.

A few minutes after putting his paper shrine back in its usual hiding spot, Steve fell asleep with a smile on his face, and the smell of Billy’s cologne on his own skin. He hoped all his birthdays to come would be similar to this one.

When Steve got up the next morning, Billy and Robin were eating breakfast in the kitchen.

He heard Billy say:

“Stop it, Robin. I can’t tell him, I just can’t.”

It made no sense to him, since he had missed the beginning of the conversation, but his interest was picked.

“You can’t tell who, what?” He asked as he went to the cupboard to get his favorite cereals. No way he would eat oatmeal like Robin and Billy. What a depressing way to start the day.

“I, uh…” Billy started. Robin interrupted him, though:

“He can’t tell his coworker that his new haircut looks stupid.”

“Yeah… ‘Cause it would be mean, you know.” Billy added, before putting a huge spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth.

“Uh… well, it’s true. It wouldn’t be a very nice thing to say, Rob.” Steve agreed.

He put his box of cereals on the table and sat down next to Robin, in front of Billy, who was looking intently at his bowl.

“Why do you think Billy should tell the poor guy his hair looks weird?”

If anyone said that to Steve, he’d be devastated. That was for sure.

“So he can let his hair grow back and have it cut in a more flattering way.” Robin explained. “It would be doing him a favor, in my opinion.”

Steve hummed. “Makes sense”, he said. He was more focused on his fruit loops, though. It wasn’t like he cared about the guy anyway. He hadn’t even met him.

Robin hadn’t either, so Steve didn’t know why she was so pressed on Billy giving him hair advice. Whatever floats her boat, he thought.

His roommates were weird, sometimes. Nothing could be done about it.

The next weekend, Steve and Billy were both off from their respective work, and Steve really wanted to start reading the book Robin had gotten him for his birthday.

Billy was occupied with a novel of his own next to him, and Steve didn’t want to be a burden, so he started reading on his own. After a few pages, he was already hooked, but he got tired quickly, as he always did. Frustrated, he fidgeted a bit on the couch and brought the book closer to his face, as if it would help the words stop swimming in front of his eyes.

Billy sighed.

“What’s up, Pretty boy?” He asked, only then looking up from his own reading.

“I just… would it be okay… would you read to me? Please.”

Billy sighed again, a bit louder. Steve’s face fell. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but Steve always looked forward to Billy reading out loud to him.

“Sorry… I know you don’t like this book… I’ll ask Robin to read it to me when she gets home.”

“No! I… I’ll do it, I’ll read for you. I really don’t mind.” Billy exclaimed.

Steve was agreeably surprised by the amount of enthusiasm Billy displayed and he smiled at him when he handed him the book, letting their hands brush.

“Thank you!”

Steve kissed Billy’s cheek and laid his head on his shoulder.

“Don’t mention it, Pretty boy.”

“Sure, I’ll mention it. It means a lot, you know.”

Billy cleared his throat. “Right… if you say so.”

Steve could feel the heat of Billy’s blush.

He always downplayed the nice things he did, but Steve wouldn’t have it. He would keep showing Billy he was grateful for every little (and not so little) attention. Declaring his undying love to him would be a very effective way to make Billy realize how much Steve really appreciated him, but that would also do a lot more harm than good. Steve had to focus on the big picture, here.

Billy began to read where Steve had stopped, and if Steve didn’t already know Billy disliked the book, he wouldn’t have been able to tell at all. He put his heart into it as he always did. Not only that, but Steve felt like Billy’s voice held even more emotion than it usually did.

Steve fell into a sort of trance. The story was told in first person, from the point of view of a magician in a fantasy land, and Steve imagined himself as the narrator. In his mind, he could see everything Billy was describing: the village, the fields, the magnificent castle surrounded by a dark forest in which creatures lurked, the King who lived in the castle and whom the enchanter was secretly in love with.

Hours passed before Billy stopped reading. Still, Steve had to refrain himself from begging for one more chapter. He couldn’t be greedy; he didn’t want Billy to tire of him.

“Here you go, Stevie.”

“That was great. You’re the best.”

“It’s just reading, Pretty boy. I didn’t hang the moon.” Billy mumbled.

Steve nearly said “You might as well have”, but said: “It’s far better than ‘just reading’”, instead. That was a close call.

They went to the kitchen to make dinner, and Robin came home from work right before the oven beeped.

Steve ate his meal slowly, without really tasting it, and he didn’t say much, letting Robin and Billy do most of the talking. He was still somewhere far away, in a fantasy land ruled by a beautiful king. And, if the king was a carbon copy of Billy, it was nobody’s business but Steve’s.

On Thursday, Billy went to Indianapolis, and Steve went with him. Apparently, Billy had been asked by his boss to go check and fix a few collection cars over there, and Billy had invited Steve to come with him. Said it would be fun. They’d spend the morning together and Billy would go to his work appointment after lunch.

“Not that I’m not glad to have the opportunity of going on a fun little trip or anything, but couldn’t that guy find a garage in Indianapolis to take care of his cars? There must be more than a few.” Steve asked Billy, who had just started the car.

“That’s because I’m the best in fucking Indiana, baby.” He said with a cocky grin.

Steve rolled his eyes but couldn’t hold back his fond smile.

“Right. Forget I asked.”

“To answer more seriously, I don’t really know. But who gives a fuck? The guy paid extra… I mean like, a big wad of cash. So, fine by me.”

Billy shrugged.

Steve found it quite weird, but it was fine by him too. It wasn’t any of his business, anyway: he was just tagging along.

He turned the radio on, and then Billy and he bickered for ages about what station to choose. That was somewhat of a tradition every time they were in a car together.

“I’m driving, so I choose. It’s driver’s privilege, Pretty boy. Suck it up.”

“But that’s not fair!” Steve whined. “You insisted to drive, it’s not like I had a choice.”

“Too bad. You lose anyway.”

Steve crossed his arms over his chest and pouted, making Billy laugh. The cold bastard.

When they arrived in Indianapolis, Billy parked, and they chose a direction at random to go wander. Steve got caught up in some window-shopping, stopping abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk to stare at the newest Adidas sneakers behind the glass.

Steve used to be given everything he wanted. Well, everything he wanted that could be bought with money. Now that he didn’t speak to his parents anymore and was financially independent, however, he couldn’t afford many unnecessary expenses. These shoes sadly fell into the “unnecessary” category.

Billy had not immediately noticed Steve had stopped walking, so he had to go back on his tracks a little.

“Hey, Stevie, give a guy a warning, would you? I turned to talk to you and you were not there anymore.”

“Sorry, sorry. I was just… I wanted to take a look at these.” Steve pointed at the shoes. “I don’t know why I did, anyway… it’s not like I’m gonna buy them.”

“Right… it’s fine. Let’s go get lunch, Pretty boy.” Billy said, steering him away from the shop, but not without giving the shoes a good look himself.

They ate burgers and fries in a greasy joint they had stumbled upon. The food was pretty good. As a testament to that, Billy kept trying to steal fries off Steve’s basket. At first, Steve batted his hand away, but he gave up after a while. When Billy gave him a wide smile after finally succeeding, Steve couldn’t even be mad at him. He’d gave up all the fries in the world if it meant seeing Billy smile like that. Steve smiled back at him.

In the afternoon, while Billy was at work, Steve went to a coffee shop and bought a cappuccino for himself, and a giant raisin oatmeal cookie to go for Billy. He grimaced a little as he ordered the latter. Billy really had weird tastes, sometimes.

He sat down at a table and put the cookie in his backpack, before taking out his book. He progressed slowly, really slowly, only managing to read a chapter before he had to meet Billy back at the car. Yes, Steve had trouble with reading to begin with, but the fact that this book was making him emotional was not helping him read it any faster.

He related to the narrator a lot. He, too, was in love with someone close to him yet unreachable. He, too, had to admire them in silence. And the object of his love was as beautiful and as brave as the King was described to be. The only difference was that the King was said to have brown hair and eyes.

What the characters were going through also reminded him of what had happened because of the Upside-Down, in some way. Life in Hawkins was (or at least had been) so strange that it looked like something out of a fantasy novel. How wild was that? Steve mused, as he was waiting for Billy near his car.

When Billy made it to the car, he was carrying a thick brown envelope in his right hand and a paper bag in the left.

“Want some help with all that?” Steve asked.

“Uh… No, thank you. I’ll be fine.” Billy assured, transferring the envelope in his left hand so he was carrying everything on the same side and could fetch the car keys from his pocket with his newly free hand. He opened the trunk and dropped everything in it.

Steve didn’t bother asking what was in the envelope, or in the bag. If Billy had wanted to share the information, he already would have. Steve definitely wondered, though.

“I have an oatmeal raisin cookie for you, if you’d like.” He said once they were in their seats, as he rummaged through his backpack in search of it.

“Oh yeah thanks! that sounds perfect.”

Billy took the paper bag from Steve’s hand as he unparked the car. Steve would have scolded him for eating while driving instead of focusing solely on the road, but that would have been slightly hypocritical of him.

“Well, that’s a relief, because no way I’d have eaten that if you didn’t want it.” Steve made a face again.

“That’s ‘cause you have bad tastes, Pretty boy.” Billy said, taking a big bite of the cookie and putting crumbs everywhere.

Steve laughed. If only Billy knew how much Steve loved him, he would certainly backtrack on what he had just said.

“It’s delicious, you don’t know what you’re missing.” Billy said in between bites.

Steve was watching him with a sad smile, glad that Billy’s eyes were on the road and not on him. It took him a few seconds to reply.

“Oh I know, believe me. I know.”

The next morning, when he woke up, Steve found the brown paper bag Billy had come back with at the foot of his bed. What the…?

The idea of Billy sneaking into his room during the night to put it there made something tighten in his chest, but Steve was mostly preoccupied with finding out what was inside the bag.

He basically jumped out of bed, which was very unusual of him (he was the exact opposite of a morning person), and reached for the bag. There was a box labelled Adidas in it… no way! Steve opened it with shaky hands and his jaw dropped.

What… how… why? Steve was confused. Billy had gotten him the sneakers he’d been looking at in the shop window. How had he paid for them? Why would he spend so much money on Steve? Especially so soon after his birthday… This was far too much.

Steve exited his room quicker than he would have if it had been on fire.

“Billy!” Steve might have called his name slightly louder than he meant to.

Billy, who was sitting at the breakfast table with his back to Steve, jumped and put a hand over his heart.

“Damn, Pretty boy, calm down. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“What the fuck?”

Robin darted her eyes between the two of them and announced: “I’ll leave you to it”, before retreating to her room with her bowl of disgustingly bland oatmeal.

“What gives, Stevie?”

“You know what, Billy. The shoes. What the fuck? Why did you buy them?”

“Isn’t that obvious? You wanted them, and I wanted you to have them. It’s not that big a deal.” Billy was not looking at him as he spoke.

Steve’s heart nearly melted. Because that was so fucking sweet of Billy to do what he did, and then say something like that. He couldn’t possibly accept the gift, though.

“Not that big a deal? They’re so expensive, Billy… I can’t … I can’t just take them… it wouldn’t be right.”

“Look, Steve… As I told you, my client from yesterday paid really well, and it’s my money, so I get to decide how to spend it, and I wanted to spend it on these shoes, for you. So please, keep them. They’re your size and not refundable, anyway. Either you keep them or they’ll just rot in the cupboard. That’s up to you.”

Steve was almost certain Billy was bullshitting him on the “not refundable” part, but he didn’t argue. It would be no use: Billy always won.

So, he just hugged him tightly instead. Billy froze for a second, but quickly let go of the spoon he was still holding to hug Steve back.

“Thank you so much. I don’t know what I did to deserve that.”

“You don’t need to do anything in particular, Pretty boy. Being yourself is more than enough.”

Steve was not a crier, but his eyes were undeniably misty. Billy couldn’t keep being so sweet and expect Steve to reign his feelings in. They were on the verge of overflowing already.

After finally letting go of Billy (not before leaving a kiss on top of his head, though), Steve put the sneakers on.

“Steve, seriously… you’re still wearing your pajamas.”

Steve’s pajamas consisted in frayed basketball shorts and a old Hawkins High t-shirt, so it was fine to wear the sneakers with them in Steve’s book. And he wouldn’t take these off until he absolutely had to.

“So what?” Steve asked.

Billy rolled his eyes, but his ears were red.

About a week later, Steve’s nightmares paid him a visit. They had left him alone for a while, but Steve knew they’d be back eventually. He saw Billy die again, which was simultaneously his worst and most common nightmare.

“Hey, Steve. Stevie. Wake up, please.”

He was shaken awake.

Thankfully, Billy was the one to wake him up from his dream, so Steve instantly knew he was alive and well. Steve threw his arms around him, buried his face in his neck, and inhaled his scent to calm himself down.

Billy held him close and rubbed his back, whispering reassuring words in his ear:

“You’re okay, Pretty boy. You’re fine. It was just a dream.”

Yes, Steve was alright. But the most important thing was that Billy was. That had been the object of Steve’s concern.

“I’m sorry… did I wake you?”

Billy sighed.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t mind, Steve?”

“As many times as I have to tell you the same thing.”

Billy’s room was right next to Steve’s. It wasn’t the first time he woke Billy up with his nightmare-induced screams. And Billy’s night terrors had woken Steve up a few times too.

“Touché.” Billy said. “Do you think you’ll be able to go back to sleep?” He added after a pause.

“I don’t know… Could you read to me again?”

“Sure, if it helps.” Billy agreed.

Steve snatched the book from his bedside table and handed it to Billy, who opened it where the bookmark indicated Steve had stopped.

“You read all this by yourself?” There was awe in Billy’s voice.

Steve was blushing, but in the low light of his bedside lamp, it was probably not very noticeable. At least, he could always hope.

“Yeah… uh… I was really into it.”

He had read about seven chapters on his own, which, added to the ones Billy had read to him the other day, only left three before they reached the end.

“Steve, you did really good!”

Steve blushed even harder. His face was burning at that point. Billy sounded so proud of him.

“It’s not like it’s a great achievement, or anything… but yeah, I guess it’s progress.”

“Hey, of course it’s progress. It’s a lot, Steve. Don’t diminish your accomplishments.” Billy said in a firm tone.

“Okay, okay. I won’t.”

“Good.” Billy sprawled on the bed and leaned against the headboard. He then tugged on Steve’s arm. “Now settle down.”

Steve did as he was told and settled right next to him, resting his head on Billy’s chest and putting an arm over his waist. Steve loved the feeling of Billy’s naked skin against his. When they had first moved in together, Billy wore long-sleeved t-shirts almost constantly, self-conscious as his scars made him. Now, he slept in nothing but shorts. Steve wasn’t the only one who had been making progress.

Billy was barely three sentences into the third to last chapter when his voice broke. He cleared his throat and resumed the reading as if nothing had happened. His voice was now breathy, though.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“You sure? We can stop.”

“I’m sure, Pretty boy. Now shut up and let me read.”

Steve effectively shut up and Billy got back to the task at hand.

In the last three chapters, the King lost his kingdom, the magician finally confessed their love and found out it was in fact reciprocated. Then, the narrator described their first kiss with the King, a kiss that made Steve’s chest constrict with longing. The fact that it was Billy’s voice describing it only made the longing ten time worse.

As Billy read the last words: “He was not ruling the kingdom anymore, but to me he would always be king. My king, my light, my love, my everything”, Steve was on the verge of tears.

He regularly went through terrifying nightmares and found himself unable to spill a single tear, but this book might do the trick. And okay, it might have been a bit mushy, but Steve was really digging it, alright?

He opened his eyes and saw a tear stain on the last page. For a second, he thought he had already started crying without noticing, but his cheeks were dry. It then occurred to him that the tear had come from Billy.

Steve put the book away from him and had to straddle him so they could be face to face. He then wiped Billy’s tears, but they kept coming.

“What’s the matter, Billy?”

Unlike Steve, Billy was a crier. Steve had seen him cry a bunch of times, when he’d been particularly tired, or sad, or frustrated. However, there was something he was not getting: why had Billy pretended he didn’t like the book in the first place? It had to be the book. What other reason did Billy have to cry right now?

“I… I’m sorry.” Billy just said before he started properly bawling and hid his face in his hands.

Steve was even more confused… and slightly panicked.

“Hey… hey… please, tell me what’s wrong. I… I don’t know what to do.”

Steve circled Billy’s wrists to ground him, but he didn’t try to pull his hands away from his face for fear it might make him retreat further into himself.

“I just… this book hits me really hard.” His voice was muffled, but Steve could still make out the words.

“But… you said it wasn’t very good.”

Billy lowered his hands. His eyes were red and puffy.

“I meant it… It still makes me sad, though.”

Steve frowned. He didn’t think a book could elicit such reaction in someone who didn’t like it all that much.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Steve wouldn’t have judged Billy, he would have understood. He never wanted Billy to feel so bad, and even less if it happened because of something Steve had asked of him.

“I should have… I should have said something. I’m sorry.” Billy’s breathing was uneven, and Steve could see his tears threatening to come back.

“Hey, no. Don’t be sorry. You don’t have to apologize. Just tell me next time, okay?”

Billy nodded and Steve smiled at him tentatively.

“Let’s go to bed.”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Billy mumbled.

Steve turned the lights off before moving from Billy’s lap to lay down. As Billy snuggled up with him, Steve couldn’t help but think about his recent behavior. Billy was acting a tad strange these days. He had gotten a lot better at expressing his feelings verbally in the last couple of years, and Steve was positive that the Billy he knew would have told him the book would upset him instead of pretending he would be fine.

Steve would have to talk to him when he was more clear-headed. The last thing he wanted was for Billy to close himself off again.

Thank you for reading :D

#Harringrove #Steve Harrington #Billy Hargrove #fluffl #a lot of fluff with a side of plot #Robin Buckley #Harringrove fanfiction #Stranger Things #part 1 #part 1 of 2

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destinywillowleaf · 4 years

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SWN-002 Wing Man

“That's the power of love!”

Wingman was created by Dr. Wily in an attempt to beat Mega Man in a field outside of battle by harnessing the power of love. Wing Man has flight capability and wields a piercing arrow called his "Cupid Crossbow". Being designed to defeat Mega Man through love, Wing Man has a large board dedicated to unravelling his love life. Similar boards exist for Proto Man and Bass, forming the "Tiny Trio". He'd call them the Big Three, but they're short.

Wing Man likes cheesy romcoms and dislikes Proto Man (for being hard to read). His strong point is his dedication to his task, though he can become blinded by the task at hand and not remember the other couples he's trying to get together.

This took longer than I expected to actually write and get out to share.

With this year’s Valentine’s contest over(courtesy of rockmiyabideusexmachina), I can finally talk about this boy! He was so much fun to make and I’m definitely gonna be using him more in the future. I’ve got a lot of thoughts on him, the stages of his design, and a lot of pictures, so it’s gonna be under the cut.

Now that that’s outta the way, let’s get into the process of Wing!

...I thought we were talking about Wing Man, who’s this?

Meet “Playboy Bunny”, this duality of a Maverick and the first draft of a character for this contest. Usually she’s the sweet Playboy Bunny, a majorly human-like Reploid acting as a performer. However, once you’ve provoked her, she throws off the sweet guise and becomes Magnet Hare, the quick and fast-attacking Maverick with attractive properties.

To be honest, I’m half wondering if I would’ve done better if I had done more with her design and actually gone with her instead. The main reason I didn’t go with her in the end was cause I thought someone else was gonna go with it and then there would’ve been repeats.

I might come back and do more doodles of her someday, refining her design to be less human with bunny accessories and more rabbit/bunny with human-like proportions.

The very first drawings of Wing Man. The only thing I really had down at this point were the general heart-shapes, his name, and his weapon’s name. The one on the left was the first draft, and the right one was a case of “should he actually have wings or nah?”. The name actually came to me when I was sitting in class and I think that’s part of the reason I got attached. The pun name is probably the biggest holdover from Bunny, though another element did come by later…

This is where the magic happened. The front-facing sketch was the first real attempt and trying to figure out what I wanted from him. I knew that he should have a general heart-shape for his chest armor, and maybe his helmet could follow the same idea with one in the center. It took a bit to look through the other Robot Master helmet designs, but I feel like Wing’s looks like it could fit with everyone else’s. At one point I was considering giving him a heart braid kinda like Tundra’s, but I wound up scrapping it. I think it was because I was sick of braids after doing so many for Nahyuta…

Then some arrows! I couldn’t decide whether to have actual arrows or energy arrows, but I feel like the energy arrows make it look more unique. And the first appearance of the bowtie! I didn’t even know if I was gonna give him one at first but once I made the doodle I knew it was gonna stay. Bunny has a bow, too, but hers was just a regular ribbon one.

The collapsible crossbow was something I knew I wanted from the start, because Wing’s not a huge fighter. He will fight to achieve his goals, and sometimes it’s more necessary than at other times, but it’s easier to have it folded outta the way. The “string” of the crossbow forms when it is expanded out, and then he can start firing his weapon.

Also, his boot. Simple enough design. Not much to be said. Same goes for the side profile, I was just trying to get a better feel for his design.

I was debating for a while about whether or not to actually give Wing Man wings. On the one hand, it’d help for the joke of him being a wingman and a wing(ed) man, but on the other hand I don’t like drawing wings because I still don’t really understand them all too well.

The bottom center image was a pretty defining part of making Wing, to be honest. It’s probably one of my favorite drawings/doodles of him just because of the causal nature of suggesting a relationship with someone(and it’s up to you to decide who it is) and Rock’s immediate reaction of fear/concern. I don’t screw around with expressions enough anymore…

I don’t have any versions of this page without color on it, but that’s because this was a color testing page. I wanted to test out my physical colors first before spending too much time digitally experimenting, and I had two main ideas: either red-pen red in varying pressures or coral Sharpie highlighter. By the final design, you can tell which one I went with. I wanted to compare them side-by-side, and the half-and-half wasn’t really cutting it for me. I did a second comparison on the other page(which is gonna be further down this post).

I was trying to get a better grasp on the wings, too, since I eventually decided just to go for it and make it more of a pun.I couldn’t decide if I wanted the wings like on top of the jetpacks or off to the sides, but I went with on top of the jets in the end. The off to the side wings were taken from how Tengu Man’s “wings” are positioned. As for the wings themselves… I was honestly mostly taking reference from Pit’s emotion portraits from Kid Icarus Uprising. I had the image with all of his different emotions and it wasn’t like Wily would be going for complete accuracy how big wings would need to be since, y’know, jetpack.

The color scheme of the wings also changed over time, and I think probably for the better. Layering the colors instead of just making a weird gradient overtop looks nicer(even if those colors could probably use some refinement all things considered). I was also deciding on the weapon “type” for the crossbow, since Megaman’s weapon get picture is on this page. Piercer seemed like it would fit the best, going through multiple enemies in a straight shot.

Designing the ability get was actually pretty simple, which I’m glad about. I wanted to go more off of the Megaman 11 style of weapon get, altering the helmet, arm, and color only, and I wanted to stick to that. I also wanted to keep two of Wing’s more defining elements - his bow and wings - on the ability get, so I moved them from Wing’s torso to Rock’s helmet.

Alongside the ability get, an unfinished battle scene. Nothing too special here.

I tried the color testing thing again, and it was here, I believe, that I first settled on the idea of “hey what if he looked like he was wearing a suit or something” and colored it accordingly. The color on the feet honestly sold me on the left one, because the cherry-red was beautiful and it was just red pen under the highlighter. I was happy with the pieces I had and started to put it all together into the final product…

Every Robot Master needs a pose for their artwork, and Wing was gonna be no different. I could’ve gone for something more dramatic, I know, but I was really really happy how the posing turned out for the one on the left. The smaller one on the right was more for fun and was messing around with some line thickness. There’s also less feathers because I was kinda lazy.

The main reason I have him sitting is because I think his boss entrance, were he to be fought in a typical arena, would have him pulling a Meta Knight and coming down from a high ledge to attack. Saying his pre-battle line, sliding/jumping down from on-high, and with a flourish, the battle begins.

Also I just wanted to draw my boy looking cute. Sue me.

The physical version of Wing sitting(on the left) is what I had initially been going for in color scheme, with a lot less coral-ish colors in the mix. Trying to recreate those colors, however, was a problem, so for all intents and purposes this is what I hold as why he's really supposed to look like. But with a complete physical form, what's next?

...hoo boy.

Trying to make the leap from physical to digital was a pain. I realized after I had essentially finalized the physical sketch of Wing posing that the helmet and face kind of made no sense. I spent a while trying to make it right and nothing worked how I wanted it to so I eventually just moved on from that.

One thing to know is that I basically only work in MS Paint. I don’t have any other digital drawing software on my computer and the tablet available to me doesn’t respond to styluses as far as I can gather. So taking the widely-varying-in-color picture and making it not like that was something I had to remember how to do because otherwise I was gonna suffer the consequences. I knew it had to do with outlines but apparently Paint didn’t want to accept my drawn outlines and would only take ones made in the software. And jpgs were pixel-y, which I forgot since the last time I was extensively using the software.

Once I had my system back, I made the silhouette and digitalized “I’m just sayin” as a practice round of sorts. But with the simple pieces out of the way… the time came for making the whole reference sheet. The pose, the front and side views, the shipping board to serve as a back view, the wings, the Weapon Get, the weapon, and the little character-defining details.

Save states fill most of this folder for a reason. Working with what I had and going over and through everything to make sure I had all the pieces ready, making saves before the background deletion so I would just have outlines, and just hoping that this was all gonna be worth the work.

One of the more… challenging, I guess, parts of the design process for Wing: trying to give him a unique silhouette. Including the wings was, in part, because of this. Most, if not every Robot Master has a unique silhouette that you can look at and say “Oh that’s [name here]” or at least be able to tell them apart. Whether it’s fire, a boomerang, a snake tail, a lightbulb, a weird body shape, or their arms, there’s something to set each one apart. And I wanted Wing to have that same feeling, so if you were to see a blacked-out version of him you could still tell that it was Wing and not someone else.

Without the wings, he’d probably resemble a downgraded Quick Man - which makes sense, considering I was using Quick’s body shape as a base for Wing’s for a more subtle top of a heart. But I didn’t want Wing just to look like Worse Quick Man, so the wings had to stay. The crossbow helps in that regard too, but the wings really set him apart.

This is what I’m talking about. He looks like a generic character without the wings.

Trying to keep Wing in the same vein of design as other Robot Masters was also, I guess, the reason I used the colors I did. Robot Masters typically don’t have too many colors, and didn’t want Wing to be a colorful mess. Maybe I could’ve had another more striking color in his design, but I’m happy with the colors I have. Reds and pinks and white with a skin tone taken from the physical doodles that I tried to have be a brownish-cherry if that makes any sense. Like it was supposed to still be in the red(kinda orange) family of colors but still be distinct enough as a skin tone. I didn’t want to have too many variations on colors, but I do think I could’ve done better on some of the distributions(and holding onto the idea of “stop using so many colors”).

Like I said, I consider the physical drawing to be the true colors of Wing, and the digital can’t quite capture the physical.

...Okay, I think that’s everything I wanted to say. If you actually read through this entire monstrosity of a post, thank you. I do have a full colored version of the "I'm just sayin'" that'll go up eventually because it was fun.

#willowtalks #willowarts #wing man #rockmiyabideusexmachina #Valentine's day 2020 robot master design contest #mobile is a pain #even though i don't like drawing wings i love my boy #i should work on my other projects #like Golden Days #or school stuff #if someone draws him ill cry #i should draw my characters moreeee #finally went back and edited the images to be in the right spots ^^;#mostly because i wanted to draw him again #still don't like drawing wings

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roseofyourtemporarygarden-blog · 5 years

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☆═━ Kɴɪ ━═☆

Kɴɪ

Kni is an alternate version of Ink, if you noticed, Kni is Ink spelled backwards. They are a result of one of the actions Ink from Underverse could have taken. Unlike that Ink, this one said no to the game, and even tried to stop it. More information about their origins are in their backstory.

❝ ᴴᵉʰ, ʸᵒᵘ ʳᵉᵐᶦⁿᵈ ᵐᵉ ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ

Oʟᴅ Fʀɪᴇɴᴅ. ❞

˗ˏ ➶𝕋𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕖 𝕆𝕗 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕩𝕥✧ ˚

; ♡⋆.ೃ࿔*

│﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀

│ ۪۫❁ཻུ۪۪┊Iɴᴛʀᴏ

| ۪۫❁ཻུ۪۪┊Bᴀsɪᴄ Iɴғᴏʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

│ ۪۫❁ཻུ۪۪┊Bᴀᴄᴋsᴛᴏʀʏ

│ ۪۫❁ཻུ۪۪┊Aʙɪʟɪᴛɪᴇs

│ ۪۫❁ཻུ۪۪┊Cᴜʀsᴇ

| ۪۫❁ཻུ۪۪┊Aᴘᴘᴇᴀʀᴀɴᴄᴇ

│ ۪۫❁ཻུ۪۪┊Pᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ

└——————— - [ 📼 ]. +

Iɴᴛʀᴏ

I open my eyes...

”W-where am I...? What did you dO?”

I gasp for breath. It seems I’m no longer where I was before... but there shouldn’t be anything here?

I look around.

”The Doodle Sphere...”

I was surprised to hear those words come out of my mouth again. All the au’s... they are gone... or were, according to what I’m seeing.

I jolt up in pain.

I look at myself... man did X Gaster mess me up...

It seems that besides my current wounds, my appearance has change. I’ll worry about that later, as far as I know, X Gaster is here. I can’t be off guard.

I make an attempt to stand up, it doesn’t work out. I collapse to the ground, making my wounds bother me more than usual. I feel a sudden pain on my left cheekbone. I feel it, there’s a scar it seems in the shape of an X.

”...”

I feel like shit.

Feel?!

It has been a while since I felt something. After the fight, and even before, I couldn’t take my vials, they were either out of reach, irrelevant, or gone. As the vials left, so did what I called emotions. But those don’t even compare to what I’m feeling right now. There was also something off besides my new found emotions. There is no emptiness in my chest where a soul was supposed to be. Now there’s a heaviness.

”!?”

Before I knew it, I was looking at my soul. It was weird now having one... but why did I have one? I had a bunch of negative emotions hit me all at once.

Guilt, worry, remorse, confusion.

Maybe X Gaster knew that I wouldn’t feel these unless I chose to. He probably wanted me to be more vulnerable to these emotions... they seemed more genuine.

I heard thumps on the ground, foot steps. I put my hand on my brush. If I needed to fight, I would.

I was surprised to see that it was myself, or my counterpart.

”Don’t Get Up, you’ll make it worse!”

Ink Quickly came to me and tried to bandage me up. He himself had a series of cuts and scrapes.

”N-no, it’s alright.”

I put my hands over my major wounds and began to heal them. It took a bit of time, like usual, but it helped.

”Woah! That’s a neat trick you got there.”

It was weird talking to myself, but I feel like I’m already used to it.

”Yeah it comes in handy, by the way, do you need any help, those don’t look like just a simple paper cut.”

Ink looked at me for a bit, like he was thinking. Maybe he realized who I was. I doubted that.

”No thanks. Hey, wanna come with me to see Dream? Though you probably don’t know who they are, I promise they are great!”

I knew who dream was... a wave of guilt went over me. I’d probably see him or his brother soon anyway.

”That would be nice.”

He grinned and I smiled back. He pulled me up and made me crutches to walk with. I took them without saying a word. He walked in front of me, I didn’t mind. I looked to the side of me. I felt happy to see what I saw.

A friend had appeared.

I was glad to see that he was looking back. He changed a bit too, but his signature glitches were still there.

Bᴀsɪᴄ Iɴғᴏʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

Name/ Nicknames:

•Kni

•Ink

•Squid

•Ink blob

Birthday

(When He was created)

August 23rd

Gender

Male

Sexual Orientation

Pansexual

Species

Skeleton

Personality Type

ENFP-A/ ENFP-T

(Campaigner)

Bᴀᴄᴋsᴛᴏʀʏ

(Shortened)

Ink had been helping X Gaster for God knows how long. It’s when things go a wrong turn when Ink questions why he’s doing this. He had already released X Gaster, it maybe was to late to save everything. After depriving himself from emotion, he took his vials again. He knew in his head what he was doing was wrong, he just needed to feel it. And he did.

He teamed up with Error to take down X Gaster, many others participated in the war. They were the only two survivors, everything was destroyed. They were left to try to defeat a mad man on their own. During this, in order to survive, Ink forced himself to learn new attacks and abilities. He continued to fight ‘till the very end. There was nothing left for him if he survived or lost. Might as well fight and die with honor, right?

Error And Ink were about to win. X Gaster was going to turn to dust. He used his remaining seconds to alternate and curse Ink and Error.

They both don’t remember much after that. All they know is that they ended up in another multiverse. One that didn’t know what the X event was.

Aʙɪʟɪᴛɪᴇs:

•Gɪᴠᴇʀ Oғ Sᴛʀᴇɴɢᴛʜ

This ability allows Kni to give some of his energy and powers to the person of his choosing. He will be weakened and may sometimes faint due to exhaustion. The energy and powers will come back to him once he wakes up or when he chooses. He can only give it to one person at a time.

•Kᴇᴇᴘᴇʀ Oғ Kᴇʏs

This means Kni is able to go to all places (with some exceptions) that most beings couldn’t be able to go to. This ability was acquired by his desire to want to escape the prison known as Lacuna.

•Sᴘʟᴀsʜ Oғ Cᴏʟᴏʀ

When he splashes certain paint at people, he can insert a certain emotion into them, kinda like when Ink uses his vials of paint. In order for the emotion to go into the person, Kni needs to allow it. So if someone steals the paint and tries to feel without Kni’s consent, they won’t be able to do it. There are only a couple emotions that he can give with the paint like anger, sadness, fear.

• Bʀᴏᴜɢʜᴛ Tᴏ Tʜᴇ Pᴀsᴛ

[1st Attack]

This allows the victim to go to their best or worse memory (Kni chooses) and be able to experience it again. The moment will be as real as their own existence, they will feel any and all pain from the event. During this, their body will be immobilized. They will wake up once the moment is over, some of the moment lingering in their mind. Kni can only do this to one person at a time, it takes a bunch of his energy to bring someone back to the memory. The person doesn’t have to remember the experience well, and they may not recall the moment at all.

• Tᴇʟᴇᴘᴏʀᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

• Hɪs Bʀᴜsʜ

(Used as a weapon).

• Gᴀsᴛᴇʀ Bʟᴀsᴛᴇʀs

(He is not good with summoning and using them).

Cᴜʀsᴇ:

He has to go to Lacuna every single day in order not to die. His hands begin to glitch, then hurt. The glitches spread throughout his body, so will the pain. He isn’t used to the glitches, so is hard for him. He will need to go back to Lacuna for about ten minutes. He has this magic hourglass that tells him how much time he has left until he has to go back.

Aᴘᴘᴇᴀʀᴀɴᴄᴇ:

Kni is a blacked-boned, five feet tall skeleton. He has a white ink splash on his left cheekbone and a red “X” scar mark on his right. His eyes still change color, despite having a soul.

He usually wears a light blue sweater and brown shorts, as well as sneakers. His outfit resembles that of Pale! Ink, the only difference is that Ink wears his old tattered brown scarf around his neck.

Pᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ:

•Slams Papers on Table•

•InHALeS•

Kni is usually a very energetic person. He is very curious about new things, like people, and places. He will ask questions, he says that that is the easiest was to gain information. He naturally very observant of things, so he will notice if something is off or if something has changed. He isn’t as forgetful as Ink, but will occasionally forget things.

Kni is a free spirit, and isn’t too fond of plans. He can get easily side-tracked. He will be completely honest with People, but will hide things away from them if he thinks it is harmful. He usually think of others as much as he thinks of himself.

Kni rarely hides his emotions unless he has to. He is sometimes hardheaded when it comes to big decisions. He likes to tease people, seems to find amusement in that. It’s fun for him to see their reactions. He is a Sadodere.

He doesn’t really getting attached to people, not after what happened because of the X Event. He doesn’t want to add to all that negative emotion.

#undertale #undertale ask blog #ink!sans #Obliverse #Kni!Ink #Lacuna

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devilsbound-a · 6 years

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*ﾟ· ˚ ✧ wolfie zaharov ⁞ ❛ devil in me. / introduction.

what’s up sluts ! admin fox here with yet another blog & yet another character .... if we’ve never met before, damn ya lucky ! but anyways lmao i’m fox, i’m twenty years old ( twenty-one next month woop woop ) and my pronouns are she/they but really whatever u wanna use is fine. this muse is kinda old but i’ve never played him in a group setting so i’m really excited to throw my garbage son into the world ! if you’d like to plot with wolfie, just give this post a ♡ or message me !

pro tip: add /mobile to the end of my url so it is easier to read !

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ matthew daddario + cis male + he/him — have you met wolfgang ‘wolfie’ zaharov? they are a twenty-eight year old known around town as the dirtbag. they currently work for the savages as a pimp, though they are also a preacher. they are a bisexual scorpio, which means they are amicable + hard-working, as well as selfish + untrustworthy. all black clothing. shaky tattoos. rosaries laying over chest hickeys.

*ﾟ· ˚ ✧ wolfie zaharov ⁞ ❛ devil in me. / history.

wolfie is ajax anderson’s oldest kid ( that people know of lmao ), and he was raised by the man. his mother abandoned him with his dad when wolf was just two months old, being a drug-addict stripper that certainly wasn’t looking for the responsibility of raising a child; wolf has no memory of his mother, and the only information he has of her is the name on his birth certificate.

ever since he was a teenager, ajax always raised wolfie to be his heir, to follow his father’s footsteps and to, one day, run the town’s local brothel. wolfgang was never interested in it, actually. for as long as he could remember, wolfie was always disgusted by his dad’s actions. he hated the life of crime, hated that his father was running a brothel, hated the gang running the town.

wolfie’s version of teenage rebellion was to join the local church. he swore celibacy and to uphold God’s words when he was just seventeen, being one of the youngest preachers in town. wolf spent a couple of years traveling the world to spread the word of god after that, and the time away from his family and his town only made him realize the mistake he had made.

deep down, wolfgang has always been amoral with a penchant for trouble. as he stood in front of a packed church reciting the bible, all wolfie wanted to do was hang out with the cute guy from the bakery next door and smoke some weed. he drowned his personal demons for years, denying his own pleasures because that was what he was taught to do. about five years ago, however, he simply couldn’t do it anymore.

wolfie came back to valdez about eight years ago, and at one point he simply broke. he came back to his father with his tail between his legs, begging for a job and some comfort. it was balthazar’s idea that he kept his day job as the town’s preacher: despite his wrongdoings wolf is still a very religious man, and balthazar caito saw advantage in having some good blackmail material on the local church in case he ever needed it.

*ﾟ· ˚ ✧ wolfie zaharov ⁞ ❛ devil in me. / personality.

wolf is... an ass. he does only what he wants to, either it be having sex with strangers, beating someone in a bar fight or nearly overdosing on a friday night. he has no impulse control, and doesn’t care how his actions may affect the people around him.

despite his infidelity when it comes to romantic relationships, wolfgang is loyal to the core when it comes to everything else, which is why he didn’t leave the savages when his father did. wolfie started our with the savages, he intends on dying with ( and for ) them.

he can be pretty arrogant too--- wolfie knows he’s a hot mess, but he’d rather focus on the ‘hot’ than the ‘mess’.

will probably hit on you. and your sister. and your dad. and your mom.

he’s still a good shoulder to cry on, if you need. during his years as a preacher wolfgang became a pretty good therapist, and he still gives off advice to anyone who may come to him. ( he’s the definition of ‘do as i tell you not as i do’. )

*ﾟ· ˚ ✧ wolfie zaharov ⁞ ❛ devil in me. / appearances.

he’s 6′5, with a mess of dark curly hair he hardly ever brushes.

always with a scruff bc he’s too lazy to shave everyday, though he never lets it turn into an actual beard.

he has a bunch of tattoos, none of them very well done. most of his tattoos are black and white and can easily be considered doodles. usually only gets a tattoo when he’s plastered.

wolf has a silver nose ring on the left nostril, but he doesn’t wear it too often anymore.

dresses in mostly black or dark clothing; he’ll put on a leather pant whenever he’s trying to get fucked but usually he’s in slacks and a black button down.

*ﾟ· ˚ ✧ wolfie zaharov ⁞ ❛ devil in me. / plots.

a best friend — more like a confidant, the one person that gets to see wolf with his guard down; probably one of the few people in town that doesn’t underestimate him.

a childhood friend — wolfie left town at eighteen, and he also left this person behind. maybe they had a lot of plans of moving away together, of escaping life in a small town and becoming somebody together in the big city; instead, frank walked away in the first chance he got and abandoned this muse without second thought.

an ex — they dated for around two years, maybe even lived together for a while ? either way it ended horribly because wolf just couldn’t keep it in his pants.

a friend with benefits — wlf doesn’t do exclusive relationships very well, but he’s great in the sex department; this character would know that well, since he is constantly hitting them up for some fun with no strings attaches.

an enemy — maybe they had beef before wolfie moved away, maybe they just met. either way, thy are constantly butting heads, maybe even brawling a couple of times.

a hate-sex type of fling --- they hate each other for some reason, can never be in the same room without screaming at each other. that is, until they’ve had a couple of drinks and end up sleeping together as often as they fight.

a protective friend --- wolf definitely doesn’t have his shit together. maybe this person doesn’t either, but that doesn’t stop them from caring for wolfie like the mother he has never had.

workers --- wolfie currently runs his father’s old brothel. maybe some of the escorts work for him ? we could always add more to this plot, maybe wolfie is also a regular client, maybe the escort hates his guts, maybe they feel protected by him.

a neighbor — maybe they get along, maybe they hate each other with the passion of a thousand suns. who knows ?

a roommate --- wolfie is probably the worst roommate ever; he’s constantly bringing strangers home at late hours, he drinks and do too many drugs in the living room, probably doesn’t know how to clean up after himself. he makes really good food and pays his part of the rent on time, though.

a party friend — wolfie loves to go wild, and this person isn’t stopping him. in fact, quite the opposite, with the two constantly egging each other on.

a cuddle buddy — wolfgang is definitely a touchy person, and so is this muse. they are always pda’ing in public, though it’s very platonic for the both of them.

a partner in crime — wolfie is constantly up to no good. some nights it’s just sitting in a parking lot drinking his weight on vodka, some nights it’s nearly getting killed in a knife fight at the local bar. whatever it is, this person is always there to back him up.

a childhood best friend — this two were attached by the hip all throughout their childhood and teenage years. in the past couple of years they grew apart, and are now trying to light up that flame again; which creates several awkward hang out sessions and late nights of doing the weird stuff they used to do as kids.

#valdez.intro #*ﾟ· ˚ ✧ wolfie zaharov ⁞ ❛ devil in me. / about.

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vjjeons · 6 years

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whaddup!! i’m acacia (satan). i’m twenty years old, i use she/her pronouns and i hail from the pst timezone! i’m super excited to be in a lil ol’ group again because i haven’t been in one since like… idk?? but enough about me — let’s get to the good stuff aka my girl, veronica jeon. it gets pretty lengthy, so if you just want the overall version of it just scroll to the very end! anyways, if you like this, i’ll take it as an invitation to IM you for plots, so be careful!! ♡

jennie kim + cis female + she/her — have you met veronica jeon? they are a twenty-one year old artist/barista known as the philophobic. a pansexual scorpio, they are independent + bold, as well as stubborn + cynical. their soulmark is a crescent moon on the left ring finger, and they can feel the emotions of their soulmate.

BACKGROUND + TRIGGER WARNINGS: abuse, death, drugs

to kick things off, veronica grew up with just her mother around. her father had always been MIA. so, she doesn’t have a lot of memories involving him. therefore, her mother dated an array of men. often times neglecting her daughter, with the exception of the times she brought in successful report cards.

when she was thirteen, her mother married a man who physically abused veronica any chance he had. especially when mrs. jeon started cheating on him. so ronnie recoiled around her art for a few years.

being alone as an only child, she had to keep herself entertained. she started off by doodling with just a pencil. but, eventually expanded with acrylic paints and water colors. thus ultimately discovering her love for the arts!!

she isn’t exactly sure how she’s going to find a successful career path through her beloved hobby. which is why she picked up her job as a barista to make some actual cash flow.

when veronica turned sixteen, she thought of tracking down her father in hopes of reuniting with him. this lead her to her grandmother’s house. who eventually had to break the news that her father had died from a drug overdose before she was born.

though, the news was shocking. it didn’t leave her feeling empty. instead, she found something better — her grandmother. she instantly connected with the woman and eventually found herself making her grandmother’s home as a sort of safe haven.

her grandma even supported her with her arts. buying her any supplies she needed and giving her suggestions on places she can find more muse. basically fulfilling the mother role veronica desperately needed.

but one day while visiting, the woman had passed in her sleep. this took a toll on ronnie considering how attached she became to her grandmother and her home. she would have to return back to her mother’s and her step-father. when she went back, the man attempted to abuse her again. however, she ratted him out. ultimately sending him to his imprisonment.

once she turned eighteen, her mother had packed up her things and left the girl behind. though, ronnie was fazed by the woman’s actions. nor did she feel any lose considering how little she cared about the other.

but good things do happen to v! one day she received a letter explaining that she inherited her grandmother’s fortune. (which she often uses to pay off her apartment bills.) along with a small journal with letters and locations to keep veronica on the right path. to stray away from the hatred and negativity and turn those emotions into something beautiful.

PERSONALITY + RELATIONSHIPS

PERSONALITY: she is charming, creative, and witty. however, she can be quite cynical, stubborn, and reserved. she has that tell it like it is personality. she just calls it likes she sees it. even if she’s not exactly right. she’s witty and intelligent. she’s very particular when it comes to most things. she wants things done correctly. so she often runs by the quote, “if you want things right you gotta do it yourself.” she doesn’t like relying on others to get things done when she knows she could do it faster and better. a little bit of a ocd queen. she’s one of those people that set their mind to something and goes through with it until the end. she has a way with words. her silky soft voice makes it easy for her to manipulate people. (unless you’re close to her, then they can see past the bullshit.) but don’t get her talking about feelings. because you’re gonna just hear crickets if you do that. she’s sort of an introvert. over the years, veronica had to work hard to become the person she is today — someone who is hopeful, who sees art and beauty everywhere, even in the ugliest parts of the world..some days, it’s a little harder, but she never gives up. she’s slowly growing out of her tough head of hair and morphing into a young woman so beautiful over the years, but also at times, terrifying?? self destructive?? even if she’ll never let anyone see her deteriorate her insides sigh. basically she’s a hot mess. but she tries her best to hide that shit. yeye sweg.

when it comes to FRIENDS veronica can always use some of ‘em. she possess the qualities of a good friend loyal, honest, trustworthy. however, she can be quite pessimistic. which might be a reason why she doesn’t have as many friends. once her mind is set to think a certain way it’s hard to persuade her to believe otherwise. she’s the type of friend to listen to your problems, but be prepared to listen to her unwanted opinions – all of them. she’s also the type to put a friend in check when they need it. she thinks of it as trying to convince them to see the bigger picture. first impressions is something she might not be very good at. while she isn’t exactly the definition of rude, she tends to not filter then things she says. overall, i would say that she might just need a handful of friends, a whole bunch of acquaintances, and her a ride or die.

please flood her with ENEMIES. i know for a fact that she has these. being so boldly opinionated and all. you know this girl has more than enough haters. sometimes she has some very evil intentions. she’s vengeful and irrational. but, don’t get me wrong. she’s not pure evil. veronica does have some good intentions, she leans more to the chaotic evil side. deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeep down the girl is trust issue central when it comes to letting people in. she can’t help it. she has abandonment issues thanks to her parents. therefore, she might come off as standoff-ish to new people. she keeps her circle tight. so maybe they think she’s cliquey? or she could have pushed people away. she’s like that one rihanna meme, them: you can’t just cut people off. ronnie: *holds a pair of scissors* she doesn’t have problem with letting people go. so maybe people think she’s a bitch because, “how could you just drop our five year long friendship like that.” and she’d just shrug. but really, she’s hurting beyond repair and will go home crying while eating a thing of ben & jerry’s chunky monkey. and there’s always that possibility where a friendship just didn’t work out. maybe they just stopped having time for each other and now it’s just mad awk. whatever it is, an enemy would b beaut.

as for LOVERS. veronica is a fucking cynic. love ain’t real and life is cold. she’d rather just be alone and happy than in a relationship and suffering. she sees so many people around her settle for less. (her mother being a prime example of that.) especially when she’s giving advice for friends. she doesn’t think people should be so easily manipulated by the concept of love. she knows there’s a difference between wanting someone and wanting to be with someone. and in her eyes, most people only settle for the sake of companionship. it’d be a hard mission to win this girl over. but not impossible. she’s definitely been on a few dates and had a couple of relationships. though most ended quickly due to the realization she only fell for their smooth talking and nothing more. 100% dabbles in the quick hook ups for the sake of fulfilling those needs. though, if the right person were to come along… she’d be loyal to them, completely devoted to just them.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

sooooo, my lazy ass actually found the power to make a RELATIONSHIPS PAGE. peep it, tell me what you think. if you can’t find something your muse fits, throw whatever ideas you have right at me! i’m so down for whatever.

MISCELLANEOUS

in a nutshell, she’s an angel with a halo unbalanced with horns, not a devil but not a saint either?? kind yet has a backbone. softer than what she seems like. humorous and witty though understanding. mistrusting but willing to let loyalty speak. veronica is a hot mess dealing with personal issues by lashing out on those around her. she’s loyal, but manipulative. opinionated, but easily offended. intelligent, but sometimes argumentative. she’s a bit of a feminist. trusts no bitch. but if you’re her friend, she’s chill as fuck. though, she’s a bit hesitant when it comes to making new friends. since she’s likes being a lame outcast. but really — she just doesn’t know how to process her good thoughts into words. she’s a barista and a tortured artist. she’s independent, hardworking, and determined. muse inspo for her: kat stratford (10 things i hate about you), samantha borgens (stuck in love), michelle (spider-man homecoming), and a hint of blair waldorf (gossip girl). anyways, give her girl scout cookies and she’ll love you til the end of time.

congratulations ! you made it to end ! if you read all of this… i love you. i only ever write so much bc… it gets me in character lmao. also, i wrote all of this the second i woke up. so don’t mind the grammar mistakes and what not. HENNYWAYS… i would really love to plot with everyone. so just slide into my DMs and we can get things started!! luv u *blows a kiss*

#cap.intro #╰ ✧･ﾟ* LIPSTICK IN MY VALENTINO WHITE BAG ! –– ooc

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radishface · 6 years

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Scientific Methods | Chapter 3: Hypothesis

You’re a showman, responding to every context, every input, sensitive to your surroundings beyond belief. But if you’re a hyperactive element that sets off at first contact, that must make Niel a noble gas. No wonder they call him King.

Read on AO3 ➡

________________________

It’s 2am. Early bedtime, all things considered. Some of the guys are still up in your room. You’re doodling away at your Mnet journal. With your right brain, you’re writing something sappy that they can use for broadcast later. Your left brain, in the meantime, is embarking on a voyage of discovery.

So, how would it happen?

Option one. After five minutes of excruciating silence at the podium, Boa reveals that “Never” Team wins (as it should), and that Ong Seongwoo has garnered the most votes and is now center of Wanna One forever.

So. “Never” Team has placed first. Cheers will erupt. Dongho will look alternatingly bitter and happy. Kenta’s face will be grey. And Daniel will turn around and be happy for you. He’ll be clapping and grinning and generally just so happy for you because let’s face it, you’re still good friends even through this competitive seduction playacting thing that’s suddenly hit your relationship like a strong gust of wind on the side of a sailboat.

You close your eyes, convulsed by a sudden realization: Niel doesn’t show any other expressions other than “sexy” and “outrageously happy.” That’s why he’s on top of this whole Produce 101 gambit. That’s it. Niel is a fucking adorable one-trick pony and the human equivalent of an endless supply of MDMA. Daniel is reliable and stable and happy and the nation loves him because he makes them sane.

There. You’ve said it. Bring on the hate mail.

Daniel must have grown up well. His mom must love him without being overly attached. His dad must be involved just enough. Nobody died in a strange or off-putting way during Niel’s formative childhood years. The most trauma he had was being bullied at school for looking like an awkward teenager, but who hasn’t experienced that? Niel grew up lower middle class, with low expectations of life. Like, if he dropped out of the rankings tomorrow he’d be bummed, but he’d get on with it.

Ugh. If you dropped out of the rankings tomorrow, you would be pretty devastated. You might not go full Daehwi-level suicidal princess of angst, but you’ll have a chip on your shoulder for a good while.

Dear God. You hope you can win a spot in the final 11 and keep your innocence intact. You need that for this whole thing to work. Or at least, at least hopefully you won’t suffer any major tragedies until you’re in your late twenties. Small tragedies are fine.

Niel is so different, not just from you, but from 90% of all the other queens of angst on this show. Niel is weirdly well-adjusted in a fucked up industry, and that’s probably why you’re so deeply drawn to one another. You’re a little bit wrong in the head. That’s why Niel, with his deeply boring inner life that’s 100% sunshine and ponies, likes you. Niel doesn’t understand it, but you’re the one who connects him to a greater intensity of life. He might be a one-trick pony right now, but he’s thirsty to learn a few more tricks. And boy howdy, you’ve seen the pony learn.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Niel, the nation’s gummy ball of sunshine, wants you to cut through it and expose his core. He’s trusting you with this. He invited you over for soju and tried to get you drunk. He wanted you to do something. He’s interested. Okay. So maybe that’s what your mission in life is. To teach a one-trick pony a few tricks. Show him what’s possible. Ideally, without causing yourself any major PTSD in the process.

And if you don’t seduce him properly, you’re the one who’s really fucked. Because here’s the thing for Niel, this might just be an Interesting Thing, but not the Real Thing. He’s probably just playing around. Ong Seongwoo is a great guy and a funny guy but Ong Seongwoo might also just be a curiosity. Ong Seongwoo might only be Kang Daniel’s best friend as long as he’s good for shits and giggles.

If you don’t completely get in Daniel’s head properly, you’re the one who’s going to be hurt. Because you’re the one who actually loves him.

Ah.

An exquisite pain blooms from your heart. It radiates out of your chest and fills your limbs with a sweet-and-sour ache.

Deep breath. It’s fine. Enjoy it. You can handle love. Close your eyes and let it run through you.

Deep breath. It would be nice if he were here. Ongi. You asleep yet?.

Deep breath. Ongi, you don’t have to be funny all the time.

Deep breath. Relax, Ongi. I like you because you’re you.

Before your heart explodes, you take another deep breath. Okay. Work through this slowly. You have a few thought experiments to complete and it pays to be methodical. This is what your therapist taught you when your dad threw the 18th century Louis XVIII ottoman at the window when he found out that your mom was having an affair and you thought that all of you were going to die that night.

In times of emotional extremity, just go slow and think it through. It’ll never be as bad—or as good—as you think it will go. Being rational has never made falling in love any easier, but it’s the least you can do for yourself.

So. Option one—

After winning with Never, you go out and celebrate with the team. You’ll all try to get Jonghyun and Minhyun drunk at the buldak joint around the corner but of course they’ll be far too responsible and Jaehwannie will take most of the soju instead. Flush with drunk feeling, he’ll start belting out songs or just straight up start screeching. Daehwi might even loosen up and join in on the noise, given they’ll finally be away from the cameras and Daehwi has been so fucking repressed lately it even makes Ong hurt.

Niel might want to meet up later, but likely he’ll be hanging out with the Open Up team.

And then—you’ll keep your promise and go on your way.

You’ve successfully eliminated your Feelings for people before, though they never got this far. And those feelings were never incubated in such intense environments. So you anticipate that eradicating your feelings for Daniel will be more difficult—but not impossible.

It’ll start with a regimen of Not Hanging Out with Daniel as much. You’ll have to find another buddy to occupy the time. Seonho might be interested in being your lackey, if you can tear him away from Minhyun. Seonho would also be a good fit 1) he’s in a good rank, so it won’t hurt your ratings, and 2) he’s the Kid.

You’ll have to start finding flaws in Daniel’s character. Scrutinizing everything about him. Becoming a little critical, a little dismissive. It’s going to harsh the mellow of your relationship, but some things have to be stressed in order to change. Only after this period of actively reframing can you get enough distance to look at the relationship in a different way, coming to rest as another travel-weary survivor in the bittersweet, heavy-hearted DMZ that is the Friend Zone.

Except.

Daniel might not get the hint. Peachly puppy that he is, he’ll probably come crawling back twice as hard when he catches a whiff of the boot he’s been given.

Wait. Realization: if you start ignoring Daniel, he’ll likely be more interested in you and whatever it was that you had to say.

Okay, let’s get the facts straight.

Fact: Daniel is remarkably persistent and optimistic.

Fact: You’ve intrigued him with your big potential reveal.

Fact: Daniel loves it when noonas play hard to get.

So basically, if Never team wins, it’ll force your haughty noona hand. That’ll drive Daniel insane.

One or two weeks of dramatic sexual tension later, Daniel will have broken your will to resist and there will be a confession of feelings accompanied by some heavy breathing. If Daniel’s breath doesn’t smell like fish, you might even kiss him.

Option two—

Open Up team wins. Celebrations are planned. The 1-2 Punch Donkey Kang combo and rest of the team go out for hotpot.

While they’re out, you’ll send for your dad’s entry-level Mercedes C300. You’ll make Uncle Butler vacate said car and walk back empty-handed to the Ong family estate. Sorry, Uncle Butler.

Around midnight, Open Up team will return to the dorms. You will send a text to Daniel instructing him to meet you at the parking lot behind Studio C.

Daniel will arrive at your dad’s Mercedes C300 under the cover of nightfall. You will hold the door open for him.

But the seats are so warm?! Daniel will splutter in delight.

Yes, Niel. I took the personal liberty of making things more comfortable for you before you arrived.

You’ll drive the both of you to one of those remote highway turnoffs that overlook Seoul. You’ll start off the playlist with some classic American rock. Then some EDM. Which eventually becomes The Weeknd. The mood will be dark, sexy, and pulsating. That kind of lonely, humid, heavy, 4am feeling. Except it’s not lonely, because you’re both there.

Nice.

Your one hand is on the wheel and the other’s on the stick. Nevermind that the C300 is an auto. It looks cooler this way, and if there’s anything that gets through Niel’s thick head, it’s the visual.

Ah, important: you will be navigating this route from memory like an old school, route-memorizing badass, because Google Maps Lady would totally ruin the mood.

You will arrive at said remote highway turnoff after an hour or two of driving and admire the skyline while leaning against the hood of the C300. The rising sun will bathe Seoul in a wash of hazy pink and lavender. Giddy with exhaustion and good vibes on your gay trainee version of the classic K-celeb car date, you will both look at each other. Your eyes will drift down to his lips and his eyes, to yours. And then—

You’ll be nervous. Even though you prepared everything, you’ll still be nervous. Your heart on a stick, you’ll say, Hey, Niel.

He’ll look at you. He might have a heavy-lidded gaze, expectant. Or maybe he’ll look scared, but hopeful.

I think it’s time for me to say that thing that I was supposed to say.

You will pause here for a really long time. To build suspense. To gather your courage.

But I’m not going to tell you.

Daniel might look surprised. The faintest edge of disappointment might creep into his face.

This is when you’ll move in closer to him and put your hand on his neck. He’ll be caught. His breath will hitch in his throat that way. You’ll run your thumb over his pulse and find it jumping. And you’ll finish what you were about to say.

I’m going to show you.

And then, if Daniel’s breath doesn’t smell like fish, you might kiss him.

You sigh in awe. Whoa. That’s good. That’s actually pretty good.

Okay. Option three—

“It’s late, Seongwoo.“ Jonghyun says sleepily from across the room. “Go to sleep.”

“Almost there,” you say, and take your pen to your trainee journal.

Dear our Lord up in Heaven, you write.

Hi it’s me, your humble servant. So, now You have heard my three proposals. Let Thy Will be done.

Thanks,

Ong Seongwoo (not Hong Seongwoo)

#ongniel #ong seongwoo #daniel kang #produce 101 #wanna one #fanfic #ongniel fanfic

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minjve · 7 years

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low on SELF-ESTEEM, so you run on GASOLINE.

HELLO BABES. IT’S CHELS HERE WITH MY LOVELY LIL SECOND CHAr. i was debating on whether to rewrite my intros for a while now bUT, then i realized that i’d p much need to do over minjae’s for suRE since the lil hoe has changed SO MUCH from when i first introduced him to the rp. :’) my child. SO YEAH, i’ll try and go through a quick run down of minjae’s personality both pre-mind wipe and post-mind wipe. i have his STATISTICS and his PROFILE up, as well as some MUSE posts and some HEADCANONS. so feel free to look through those as well!! and i have a few plot ideas over HERE, but not many, so we can possibly talk about some other things that we can do with our chars!! ALSO LIKE THIS AND I’LL HIT UP UR IM’S SO WE CAN CHAT SOME MORE!!

PRE-MIND WIPE MINJAE: so minjae def used to be a little asshole when he first joined the group. he was VERy much distrustful of everyone, and also lowkey afraid of getting to close to anyone else (bcus abandonment issues the hoe still can’t let go of rip. and also he just had to deal w/ some pretty shitty ppl from his loop growing up, so there’s that too). so yeah, he was initially very cold and withdrawn, but sorta kind of started opening up with a few people and gaining a few close friends as time went on?? and even though he’s definitely better about being less of a hostile asshole he’s still very ?? pretentious. and snarky. and petty AF. just you know... slightly less of an angry bitter grandpa? he still doesn’t like dealing with people that much, bcusmpeople and their unpredictability just make him anxious as hell and he’s not here for it.

even though he’s definitely softened up to others over time, he’s still v blunt and straightforward w/ things as well. he can be kind of tactless with other people’s feelings at times? lIKE, he just doesn’t always necessarily think about how what he says will affect someone (this guy. a genius. hONESTLY), but it’s not really intentional AND HE’S WORKING ON IT. HE’S TRYING TO IMPROVE HIMSELF I PROmise.

he used to have a bit of a hoe past ,, but sssh we don’t talk about that.

also used to claim he was emotionally detached, but also somehow got attached to both fwb situations he used to be in. so like. he’s genuinely an actual rl mess.

MAINLY HE’S JUST A BIT OL’ DOrk who loves crosswords/any sort of puzzle tbh, books, sci fi franchises, oscarwildeoscarwildeoscarwilde, fuzzy blankets and to lowkey be cared for EVEN IF HE NEVER SAYS IT.

or ok... that’s how he USED TO BE. NOW LETS MOVE ONTO HOW HE’S CHANGED A BIT AFTER THE MIND WIPE.

POST-MIND WIPE MINJAE: since he has no actual memory of his parents leaving him/everything else that’s made him angsty, bitter and angry over the years, he won’t be NEARLY as hostile as he once was. he’ll still be withdrawn for sure, but for the most part? he’s just gonna be extremely quiet and anxious. like he’d gotten used to this group long ago so his social anxiety never gave him much trouble?? but yeah, now it’s gonna be p bad and he’ll wanna stick to himself for a bit tbh.

i can’t imagine minjae nEver snapping back at someone who gives him tude tho, so like... even though he’s gonna be a much more reseRved version of his former self (since, again, he has none of those memories that initially made him such a bitter, petty mESS), he’ll still clap back w/ some smart ass remarks if someone pushes him to it. SO THE LITTLE SNARKY MOUTH IS STILL THERE Tbh, he’s just not as quick to be an asshole as he probs would’ve been before??

probly gonna be an even bIGGEr nerd than he was before tbh ,, bcus he’s gonna remain tucked up w/ a book as far away from everyone else as possible at first. RIP.

he’ll probs still be more open to friendships than he ever was before tho since like... he doesn’t have all of those trust issues, thanks to those memories that initially CREATED them being gone, so AS LONG AS UR PATIENT HE WILL OPEN UP TO YOU AND BECOME UR PAl.

other headcanons

terrified of crowds and the dark. like. mAJOrly.

loves reading, but also is a big fan of writing. mostly journaling tbh, so if he can get a hold of a notebook or ANYThing while he’s in the facility, he’s gonna be doodling his thoughts down a lot to try and conquer a bit of that anxiety that being stuck around so many ppl he “doesn’t know” for so long brings him.

pretends like he’s above mainstream pop music (but also lowkey has a super secret obsession w/ sistar and knows all of their choreo).

his time loop was in italy, which is p much where he grew up, so when he gets pissy (or is feeling nostalgic/homesick) he usually starts going off in italian. ofc he doesn’t reMEmber living in italy, so when he starts randomly mumbling italian phrases he’s probs gonna be hella confused.

though his main three languages are english, italian and korean, he’s fluent in all spoken, signed and dead languages bcus of his power.

he gets massive headaches every now and then, especially when he’s accessing a lot of information in his mind all at once.

actually has limited abilities in mind control? but only managed to use it a few times before the mind wipe. because he hasn’t accessed it much before, i imagine the researchers/scientists don’t actually know about that aspect of his peculiarity.

loves him a nice, long documentary

actually managed to teach himself the piano in the span of a few hours for fun, and has started to grow a bit fond of it ever since then

has back and forth moods of tight jeans, sharp af eyeliner and expensive af coats and sweaters to hoodies and no pants. fck pants.

it’s in his special feature on his profile, but he wears round framed glasses all the time. and he’s basically blind af w/o them. he hates wearing contacts though, so he just always sticks w/ his glasses.

IDK IF THERE’S ANYTHING ELSE. BUT THIS CLEARLY GOT TOO LONG. G2G.

(come love my messy bab pls)

#‹ ʀᴀᴍʙʟɪɴɢs ▪ ᴏᴏᴄ. ›#intro.#evolution of park minjae: asshole.... little bit less of an asshole.... mostly quiet but also probs still lowkey an asshole

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Man its so weird to think back and see how many signs there were that I was transgender long before I realized it. I was SO fucking oblivious, I had no clue that being nonbinary was even an option, all I knew was 'well I don't wanna be the opposite gender but I don't wanna be the one I was assigned at birth'. (Except obviously I didn't even know the correct words to describe it) And like... I bought into A LOT of horrible transphobic bullshit, cos I was raised with a biased view of what being transgender even is. 'Trans-sexual people are turned on by wearing women's clothes'. Ugh. And I was completely disgusted by it, since I'm a sex repulsed asexual and everything about foreplay or whatever disgusts me. My parents and pop culture and stuff all treated it like trans people were the equivelant of someone into BDSM wearing nipple clamps out in public or something. 'Well in theory I have nothing against them having that kink, but why do they have to show it in public?' Being trans was ALWAYS only shown as 'oo kinky I like to crossdress in the bedroom', as if it was a fucking sexuality, as if there was NO OTHER REASON why someone would wanna wear the 'wrong' clothes and use the 'wrong' pronouns. I felt viscerally disgusted at myself whenever I didn't want to wear my birth gender's cliche outfits, I denied absolutely everything cos I didn't want people to think I was a pervert. I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE to be transgender and asexual, or even that being transgender wasn't the same as being gay! I said SO MUCH fucking horrible transphobic and homophobic stuff as a kid, just parroting what I was told, and overcompensating for hating myself by making it clear I hated everyone remotely similar to me. While being in huge denial that they were similar to me! And I'm gonna carry these regrets forever and always worry that I stopped someone else from feeling comfortable about theirself and just... GAHH! And I did all the same too about parroting stereotypes of 'crazy people' and 'r*tards' before I learned that this big ol stereotype about autism was bullshit and real autistic people look EXACTLY LIKE MYSELF It just makes me think a lot about how many other people out there might be trans and not have the ability to find out because they've been buried so utterly in this false, bigoted image of what a trans person actually is. Tho also I hate the dumb stereotype that 'all homophobes are secretly gay', like seriously wtf why u wanna escape all responsibility for your actions and say the only problem is gay people systemically oppressing THEMSELVES... ANYWAY I went off on a sad train of thought there but back to the point! I'm just remembering this one part of a school trip that was like one of my most treasured memories for no logical reason until I realised I was trans. I met a new classmate and he mistook me for the opposite gender, and I was like 'HOLY SHIT WHY AM I HAPPY' until someone else 'corrected' him. I mean.. I knew I wasn't that gender either, but it felt like a weight off my shoulders to at least be misgendered the opposite way for once. I felt inexplicably happy that I was looking ambiguous enough to even be in question! And this was when I was like 11, I had no clue what word to even assign to these feelings... And I mean, it was SO DUMB that I never noticed these signs! This is what internalized transphobia does to you! Like 'hey there's probably no reason at all why I always play as a different gender ever time I buy a pokemon game, and get this self hatey feeling in my gut when both options have very stereotypically gendered costumes'. And 'wow there sure is no reason why I got inexplicably attached to this genderless character and can't stop thinking about ways to prove they aren't real'. Seriously all that debate about 'quina is really a girl/boy' with weird evidence in stat builds and equip items and stuff! I got REALLY into that transphobic bullshit cos it was something that shook up my perception of the world and I felt like if not being either gender was ACTUALLY AN OPTION then id have to address painful things about myself. If I knew I could be that, I couldn't keep lying to myself. So I went in aggressive denial mode and missed this chance to come out of the closet at like 9 years old and save myself a damn lot of trouble! And then I just went through the same bullshit at 14 with Chrona from Soul Eater, and could not explain why on earth I was so upset that the English dub assigned them a random gender instead of translating it properly... And OH MAN how fucking dysphoric I was about puberty even before I knew that dysphoria was a thing! It was like 'hey look you're growing up!' 'NO IM NOT DEAR GOD NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN'. And that led to this stupid thing of me just saying 'well I have the mental age of a seven year old LOL' to excuse whenever I acted 'weird'. My forum avatar and stuff was a doodle of myself in chibi form, etc. (Even literally wearing chest binding... I only knee at the time that it was 'a martial arts thing' tho.) Like, I'd got all these messages that not wanting sex was 'childish' and not wanting my body to change was obviously 'immature', and when I was undiagnosed with mental illness and trying yo make up excuses for how I TOTALKY didn't have a mental illness, all I could say was 'ha ha I'm totally uhh... Doing it on purpose? Cos I'm so... Quirky?' I got obsessed with overacting as a class clown, cos I mean you can also excuse cross dressing as a thing that 'the comic relief character' does... And OH MAN, like my big Special Interest throughout all of high school was Norse myth, more specifically Loki. I was FASCINATED with the idea of a shape shifter who could be either gender, and was completely unashamed about it. And, of course, I used to play it off as 'ha ha isn't it so funny he turned into a girl', when I seriously did not have any clue WHY it was funny, I just thought I had to say it. It HAD to be the reason I was so sympathetic yo this character, right? Because he's A FUNNY JOKE?? And man then I got so obsessed with researching non gendered English pronouns from the 18th century and championing how they should totally come back into modern language and EVEN THEN I was in denial! It took until I played Magical Diary to realise 'well fuck I'm trans'. It took a game outright saying that these genderless pronouns arent just 'to be inclusive of both genders' but can be used for A THIRD GENDER, A GENDERLESS GENDER, A BOTH AND/OR NEITHER GENDER!! A game saying that this gender does exist in human beings, and EVEN THEN I took ages to be sure that it was really real and not just a fantasy thing that the game made up. I mean, quina was totally only genderless cos they're a magical creature, right? (Completely ignoring the fact that the other two members of that magical creature town are both male...) And just.... AAAAAAA I feel like I'm the human personification of that 'no Patrick, put it on the lid' meme No, you're trans. No, TRANS. Trans, bunni! TRANS!! This is what societal prejudices do to people. Even LGBTQ people usually grow up within homophobic, transphobic society, absorbing all the same messages. It destroys our ability to be okay with being ourselves... Its so fucking sad that this happened to me, and it hurts even more to think of all the times I said insensitive offensive stuff to other LGBTQ people back when I thought I was cis and straight... Gahhhh... ALSO, it makes me extra sad that Summon Night: Swordcraft Story 2 never got released in Europe. There's a character there called Arno who's NB and very out about it, and the English translators didn't make a mess of it, or anything. People actually call Arno 'they', and literally their catchphrase is 'Are you a boy or a girl?' 'I'm just a child of the wind~' Like seriously NO ambiguity, character actually getting to dish out sick burns when being misgendered, absolutely NO room for the ol 'well they just don't MENTION a gender, it doesn't mean they were intended to be nonbinary' excuse. Arno outright stating 'I am not a boy, and I an not a girl'. And your protagonist respecting it! Arno is still my absolute fave best handled nonbinary character in all of games. And the summon night series is very inclusive with a lot of gay romance options! Its a shame tho that the only other game with a nonbinary character was never dubbed even in america. But apparently the protags of previous games get a cameo in the upcoming Summon Night 6 which finally will be released in Europe! I just hope they handle Corlal's pronouns respectfully, considering how they managed to do it so well a decade ago with Arno. But then again the Swordcraft Story series is a spinoff so the main games might have different translators? Anyway, let me hug my tiny enby dragon child! Also I'm sad the cellphone app trading card game never got dubbed either, cos Corlal got some cute cards for the valentine's day event. All three dragon kids just got adorable scenes making platonic family chocolate for their siblings cos they're too young to really participate. And they thankfully got super cute totally non-lolicon maid and butler outfits like SERIOUSLY THANK GOD FOR THAT! Just cute ten year olds playing dressup like normal kids. Corlal got two cards for that one! Them being nonbinary continues to be 100% canon, they got a version with both a dress and a tuxedo. AND ITS SO FUCKING CUTE MY GOD ...man I'm sorry this just went off topic into how great that series is But anyway! If I've ever said anything that offends you, please message me about it! I'm still unlearning a lot of internalized prejudice. Also if you want a quality nonbinary werewolf in a cool side scrolling GBA jrpg, look for Arno! Im on mobile rite now so I can't send links n stuff, but as soon as I finish moving my PC desk to the other room I shall spam you all with my obscure fandom's!!!

#i wanna draw quina and arno meeting each other #tho the protag in corlal's game is a chef so it could be hilarious if theyre like 'mom what happened to your face'#and then protag and quina have a giant death spoons duel

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illestlists · 5 years

Text

The Art of Rebuilding

I have always been the type to only write on impulse & impulse alone. I cannot plan it, I cannot write unless there is an overwhelming presence of thoughts that refuse to leave by any other means. This is a result of not currently being able to paint, create or listen to music, have a conversation, a hot bath, take a walk in nature, or any other ways I personally release these thoughts in order to collect my mind and cope.

If you are lost while reading this, then that is completely okay. The intention is to be lost during this ride, to let go of any preconceived notions or expectations, to stop wondering if there is a point or a plot. There is no point. There never was a point; only racing thoughts that the flow of my ink could never begin to keep up with. The idea is completely up to you, and if you choose to create a point, create it. Choose to wander, not wonder. Apply this to anything sinking down inside of your heart and soul, and be aware of those dark oceans. You are in control of the sea in which your mind swims. Your body is but a body; a navigational system to choose the direction of the mind, spirit, heart, soul. Do not allow these oceans to define or defy you, because truth is: they never have, and never will unless you allowed it to be so.

Take a moment to recollect why you feel the way you do, and simply be aware of this. Open your eyes. No, open them wider than that. Don’t choose to look when you have the power to actually SEE. Go beyond yourself. You must step aside from what you think and know of yourself as a body, as a being. This is essential in the process of self-awareness. Be aware. Give yourself recognition. You now realize the cause, the reasons, maybe even the answers. Where do we go from here? Nowhere. Stay here, recognize each and every single atom, molecule, thought fragment, emotion; recognize all that could possibly be the reason why you are feeling & thinking, outside of your physical self.

Once all is recognized, take notes. Take a mental picture. Document any way you can. Take note, but do not dwell. Do not remain fixated on situations, feelings, thought patterns, noises, obstacles. Take note and apply this to the next step: Detachment. It is in our nature to detach in order to gain the strength to re-attach. It is okay to stay here and breathe. Imagine your accomplishments, your greatest memories, dreams, talents, the positive feelings that come alongside these thoughts. Go outside. Breathe some more. Remember that the only thing that lasts forever is finding beauty; it will always exist, even in the castles that have crumbled, in the air that we are fortunate to breathe, in the sun and the moon. In the galaxies that exist inside of us.

Ground yourself next. Mentally ground yourself by being aware of your senses. Find one thing around you that you can see, hear, touch, smell, taste. You are back to your physical state of being now, and this can be what you need in order to let go of the thoughts, feelings, circumstances, that try to get the best of you. You can be free of feeling displaced, feeling invisible. You are here, you are a person. You are free.

Do not obsess or over-analyze what seems to be taking control of your thoughts right now. Do not allow any burdens to slaughter your precious, fragile soul. Be fragile. Allow yourself to feel the fragility in complete form. Let it out. Pour it out from your fingertips, your eyes, your lips, your essence. Do not run away from this- just be aware that you are and can be fragile. And let it all out. Write, sing, solve a puzzle, doodle, paint, listen to music, create music, take a walk, volunteer. Do anything you choose- that soothes the mind and lightens the heart.

Make a list of what you can do TODAY to help the issue/s currently weighing at your mind. Day by day, do what you can. Nothing will happen if you don’t at least give it your best shot by listing what you CAN do. Even if it is getting out of bed and putting on clean clothes- you did something. You did it. You need to give yourself the credit you deserve for finding that willpower.

Rebuilding is a controversial concept; people always tell me that I cannot “Build Rome in a day,” and they are right- to an extent. If by Rome, I mean getting out of bed and taking a shower in a day, then I will build Rome every damn day. If by Rome, I mean finding a better job, creating a new song- then obviously it will take some time. But the fact of the matter is, whatever your personal Rome may be, you can do it. You are free to do so. You can build it. Over and over again.

However, once we achieve awareness, recognition, detachment, and grounding- we all can build our own concepts and versions of what Rome actually is, what it means to us. We can accept the time it takes to get there, and apply what we know to collect the resources to arrive.

Once you believe in the ability to reconnect by disconnecting & release, you will begin to believe in yourself. You will begin to, well, actually have a beginning. You’ll understand that the bleak, dark, buried corridors of our minds, and the shipwrecks of our souls, can be let out. Find your own way to release it all. Experiment; allow the awareness to bring you back to what fuels your passions, your beliefs, your strengths. Be you. Just “be.” This is more than enough. You are more than enough.

Are you still lost? Close your eyes this time, for a brief moment. Roses, wildflowers, the scent of your lover left on your pillow. Envision these things so that you swear you can actually smell them.

I believe in you. You can’t say no one believes in you, or that no one loves you- because I do.

Tap into the darkness and manipulate it, turn it into something light, something otherworldly and beautiful. Block by block, fixate on what can be, not on what was or what is. What IS, changes second by second. That’s fine. The art of rebuilding yourself is fueled by the magic ingrained in your blood, in the never-ending transcendence of the cosmos around you. Be comforted in knowing the same cosmos surrounds me. And us. Let this cradle you. Let this remind you that we are all made of stars. We are the cosmos, we exist in this together. To rebuild is the notion that our perceptions as people are but keys to existence and co-existence with the perceptions of those around us; whether it is in relation to physical or metaphysical being.

Are you lost now? Are you awake?

Flourish. Grow. Adapt. Adjust. Change. Perceive from a different angle. Sail to higher dimensions and grow some more upon your arrival. Do not be afraid to let yourself go completely. Free the caged soul. Awaken the sleepy heart. Open the closed portals inside of yourself. Find hidden gems in the dusty attics of your imagination. Plant new gardens and allow them to thrive. Allow beautiful gardens to grow where dead plants used to reside inside of you. Acknowledge the pain. Feel it. You are allowed to feel pain and sometimes we need to feel pain to be aware that we are able to FEEL. Accept the pain. Let it out of you. Scream, dance, make a cup of your favorite tea, hold an animal, hold yourself. Get lost in the stars and be enchanted by the moon. Be inspired by the sun and let it kiss your face, do not allow the sun or anything to burn you. Daydream. Make plans. Keep those plans.

Rid yourself of people who continue to make you feel any less than you are. NOW. Be done with those who take your friendship and love for granted; those who plant toxicity, taint your gardens with pesticides of their intent. Instead, make room for those willing to remind you to water the flowers and plants that you chose to build yourself; the ones you wish to thrive. Leave behind dishonesty, negative people, abuse, manipulation, harmful intentions and deceptive relationships. They are poisoning you, when you deserve to grow, to evolve, to be free. Let it all go. Release. Breathe.

Reconnect to your passions, ambitions, purposes, goals. Reconnect to be a more powerful, unbeatable, poison-free version of YOU. Reconnect to the ones who have remained empowering, honest, kind, and true.

Release also those demons that taunted you, held you, tried to cradle you- you are not your demons and you do not need them. Easier said than done, absolutely. Albeit once we recognize our own demons and why they appear- we know what to do to let them go. Understand our demons are but poison, too. Rid yourself of them. Upon the chance of their return, do not panic. Just remember: you’ve been able to leave before, and you can and will do it again.

We all have demons, yes. We all have pasts; neither of which can define who we are in this present moment in time- we are all made of stars, remember? Be in the moment. Breathe. Banish the demons, learn your lessons they’ve taught you from your past and mistakes, make the future better than you would have ever thought possible. Because it is possible, and because you are not your past. Recollect. Endure. You’ll be fine.

Once again, awaken the sleepy heart, and free the caged soul. Rebuild - with love.

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