#although I've learnt marry me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onewomancitadel · 3 months

Text

A smattering of general updates:

I played Tears of the Kingdom. I didn't really enjoy it. I understand why it was popular though; I'm just not the demographic for these types of video games anymore. I didn't find it creatively rewarding and after a time I sat there thinking 'I would rather be writing right now', and since then I have learnt that writing is made easier by doing things which are not writing, because it makes me miss it. My dad also doesn't really like it but for some reason has played hundreds of hours in it. I don't know either - I think he will take anything called Zelda at this point.

I spectated the Doctor Who David Tennant Special and watched some clips of the new season. I'm not a fan of RTD, and not a DW fan anymore (not for a long time), but it was an interesting study in how studios try to attract old and new fans.

I read a lot of books, and that lie people tell you about all books being good for you is a lie, because a cyberpunk anthology of short stories made me so angry I got heartburn. I think people who say that are saying so because they wish that they could read a lot, in which case I say, yes I think reading is a gift and we should engage with it, however, sometimes I get so physically angry from something stupid/bad I've read because bad writers exist that it gives me actual pain. I am reading Howl's Moving Castle right now and it's very joyful; I am very surprised by the liberties the animated film took! However so far I do think both experiences are worthwhile, and if you enjoyed the Ghibli film, I very much recommend checking out the original book if you want to revisit that world again. The prose is straightforward but a little whimsical, and Howl is very, very funny. I have laughed aloud a few times.

Well, you know I rewatched Dark, and it's funny that during my exile I said 'this is like if RWBY got the ending it deserves' and then, er, I found out it's not renewed yet, and that's still up in the air, which for the entirety of RWBY I have only had one true moment of doubt of such a thing, and that was a while ago.

On that topic, yes, I still ship Jaune/Cinder, believe Cinder's redemption is likely, etc., although there are some more external concerns I would wager now than before. Before I thought it very possible to do without any commercial influence, and it depends what compromises they do or don't end up making or having already made. My analysis of Jaune's arc in V9 may not hold water as much (e.g. if you lean towards the view there were rewrites to cater to growing the audience, or perhaps it's two ideas married? I'm not sure) so I'm going to think about it more, and there always has been a tension in RWBY between what is being expected/baited and what is foreshadowed/said/actually happens.

I figured out how to write again and what was blocking me, so there's that. To talk about it a bit more, since my break I have worked every single day on writing. My key takeaways are that you need a delicate balance of delusion and self-doubt to get anything done - you don't know you can do something until you actually do it - and every excuse I invented for not writing was not the reason I was not writing. I can write with a migraine beginning to set in on an uncomfortable desk where I can't even rest my elbows properly on the end of a bed with no back support without aircon in the middle of summer before I've even taken my hair out from bedtime plaits in my pyjamas. I didn't even expect to get my fic done right before midnight, actually I was like 'well lol that's not going to happen, I'll write anyway though, fuck New Year's' because I wasn't doing anything, and then I finished and looked at the time and was like ooooh. I actually completed my goal! So I'm very proud of that. Anyway writing is breathing, to me, I go crazy if I don't do it, no matter what it is, and every single piece of nonsense advice of productivity was not helpful, ever, but I did figure it out. Also admittedly I got a fire burning under me again because I found out I was actually right about Raven, in which case I took that as a sign from heaven I was on the right track. One should hope.

I am excited about Dune Part Two, yes, although I am trying to avoid Villeneuve talking about the film because I know all the marketing is basically directed at people who aren't Dune fans, and I have to see it for myself to see what it's worth. I enjoyed the first film, and Villeneuve seems excited to direct Dune Messiah, in which case I am willing to do whatever possible to make that happen. Because that's about as complete a story you're going to get in a major motion picture adaptation and it would be So Fucking Good.

#seraphina party hour

14 notes · View notes

m0ther-of-p3arl · 8 months

Text

i know you’re poison

(robert aeor high au p13)

masterpost

hey!! so i wouldn't normally ask this of you, but we're in teh endgame of the fic now, things are really starting to come into shape. so, if you're willing, would you mind reblogging?? it would mean the world to me, and since we're in the culminating chapters, there's really not too much to come from here. writing this fic has been a dream come true for me as an author (robert aeor high is actively my longest work ever, as well as the one i've had the most fun writing) and i am genuinely so happy to be able to share this with you all. just something to take into consideration as we reach the endgame of this fic!!

...although Father is a loudly destructive, angrily defiant blowhard, Scott’s known ever since a very young age that his sneaking, scheming mother is the one he really needs to be afraid of. And even now, as she leads him by his arm into the kitchen, making snide, passive-aggressive comments about the way he’s dressed, her inch-long nails cutting into his arm, Scott finds himself curling in on himself, his old submissive habits taking over automatically, by design.

or, alright bitches time to finally meet scott's mom!! fairly short chapter but the next one's gonna explain a lot of shit

TW: cults, implied murder by flamethrower, mind control, mind games, implied murder of a minor, manipulation

please lmk if i missed anything!!

(3543 words)

Scott’s mother hooks him gently by the elbow and leads him inside, just like in all the old movies, her smile the same as he remembers it, slippery and snake-like, charismatic and smooth, her personality exactly right and without a fault for what she is- a cult leader. She’s wearing a long, slitted black dress, her piercing cyan eyes the same shade as Scott’s and tipped with the darkest winged eyeliner he’s ever seen. Her siren scales shimmer in the artificial light, and Scott catches glimpses of purple, green, yellow, and blue, all at once, reflected in them.

The edges of Mother’s lips are curved up in a salacious smile, blanketed under her signature deep crimson lipstick, a shade so dark that at this point, it might as well be purple. Her hair, exactly the same bright teal color as her eyes, is slicked back into a tight ponytail, showing off her smooth and unwrinkled forehead and defined widow’s peak, the ends of her hair reaching almost to her waist.

“Ah, Scott, I’ve been looking for you,” she smarms, some facsimile of warmness edging into her voice, a tone that Scott’s come to know to be fake, smothering her voice in honey. “But then I came home, and your father had kicked you out. Despicable, absolutely despicable! So, naturally, I told him to get out and find his own home.”

Scott nods along amicably, because as he’s learnt from years of experience, the best way to stay out of his mother’s way is to keep under the radar and not spark her anger. As anyone could tell from even a few minutes in her presence, the best, no, only way to describe Mother would be that she is a power-hungry, scarily intelligent diva.

Coming from one of the richest families around, Karissa Major lived a sheltered, spoiled childhood in which she was generally given anything she asked for. As a result, she became extremely smart- because instead of asking for toys like a normal child, the only things Karissa ever wanted were books. And not fiction books that you’d think a child would like- Karissa only read books on psychology, on the human psyche, eventually graduated from college with a masters’ degree in psychology at sixteen, afterwards scooping up some hapless gorgon twice her age from his own wife, seducing him with her singing until he left his one true love for her. That was Scott’s father.

When Karissa married Scott’s father, named Andre Piccolino before he took her name, her fortune had doubled, even tripled, in size- money rolling in from every corner, rich friends, patrons left and right. The ample flow of cash only seemed to grow when Karissa managed to form a special “friend group” who she calls “the Watchers”. As far as Scott knows, they live life in the mountains in a secluded, secret compound- one his mother’s been at for the past year, and one he wouldn’t set foot in if you paid him (providing he was suddenly allowed to, of course. Scott’s been banned from the Watchers for as long as he can remember.)

Yeah, the Watchers. Her cult. Karissa demands half the profits of all her members as soon as they move in, and if they dare attempt to leave, her wrath is… well, let’s just say no one’s attempted to leave the cult in about seven years, since a particularly harrowing incident involving a girl, seventeen at the time, a dark forest, and a blowtorch.

Her body was never found, most likely burnt to a crisp.

Scott only knows about this… incident… due to overheard conversations his Mother had on the phone when he was young.

Because although Father is a loudly destructive, angrily defiant blowhard, Scott’s known ever since a very young age that his sneaking, scheming mother is the one he really needs to be afraid of. And even now, as she leads him by his arm into the kitchen, making snide, passive-aggressive comments about the way he’s dressed, her inch-long nails cutting into his arm, Scott finds himself curling in on himself, his old submissive habits taking over automatically, by design.

“So, um, what exactly are you doing here?” Scott asks flatly, earning a shocked look from Mother as he interrupts yet another mention of The Watchers and how “we would love to have you, really, darling.”

Huh. He supposes he’s not strictly unallowed anymore.

“Well, I’m coming back to check on my darling baby boy, of course. So, Scott, tell me how it’s been going. Tell me… everything.” Her irises briefly flash a dark, instant pitch, like a void pulling him in, trying to pull everything out of him piece by piece by piece. Because right. She’s a siren. Scott should have known Mother would do this at some point.

He tries to keep his mouth closed, he really does, but she’s too powerful and she knows it- her lips quirk up a centimeter further in genuine triumph as Scott’s own lips part and he begins to recount the story of the past few months, every last detail. His mother listens intently, her hands clasped underneath her chin, elbows resting on the stone table, as the sky gets darker and darker outside. Hours must have passed by the time Scott finishes, gasping for a breath.

The only part he manages to leave out of his lengthy tale are the memories he and Jimmy have shared.

“Well! Thank you so very much, Scott, what a positively lovely storytime.” Karissa claps her hands together decidedly, her smile growing wider by the minute, a cheshire cat grin that unnerves Scott to his very bone. “So, about this Jimmy- would either of you be interested in a little something my friend group has to offer? We’re thinking of putting on a little show, and we were wondering if you and some of your friends would consent to be the, ah, actors, let’s say.”

Scott’s first instinct, one he feels down to his inner core, is to say no- to yell it, scream it in Karissa’s face, and run from the house, as quickly as possible. He doesn’t want anything to do with his mother, or the Watchers, or anything they have to offer- Mother has ruined his life more times than he dares to count. But her smile is so inviting, so warm, and he’s certain that despite it all, she really does want what’s best for him…

This time, Scott catches the faint scent of siren magic on the air as her eyes start to go black, shaking his head violently and sending a glare in her direction. “Cut it out, Mother. No, I don’t want to be a part of another one of your twisted little experiments- you think I don’t know what happened to the kids from the first one?”

Karissa raises one eyebrow so high that it almost disappears into her overly defined hairline, an expression of strict disappointment plastered atop her features. “Impressive, Scott. I’m glad you’re finally beginning to take your siren side into account. This does, however, make things a lot more… difficult, I’ll say, for us.”

“Because you can’t control me on a whim? Yeah, I’d say that’s a good thing, actually. I don’t want anything to do with you, it was a mistake to come here in the first place. I need to leave, I need to go, Jimmy’s probably going crazy looking for me.” Scott stands, roughly pushing away his chair, and turns to leave, with every intent of getting out of this wretched place and back to the comfortable safety of Jimmy.

“I know about the rapport, Scott.” Mother’s voice drips from behind him like honey, and his shoulders clench, stopping him in his tracks.

“...The what?” Scott asks, dread welling up inside him for some unknown reason, sticky and pulling at his insides.

His mother sighs dramatically, throwing her hands up into the air like the diva she is. “The rapport! Really, you’ve not had quite the best education in the ways of sirens, have you?”

“My education is fine, Mother.” Scott clenches his teeth, still with half a mind to just forget about whatever she’s on about this time and leave. But she’s got him hooked, and she knows it, her snaking grin growing somehow even wider- Scott swears that her mouth shouldn’t be able to stretch that far, it’s almost unnatural how stretched and strained her face is.

“A rapport is an emotional and mental bond a siren, or, in your case, half-siren, can share with another sentient being. Rapports are only formed between two people who have great trust and respect for each other, and they can manifest in a variety of different ways. I could sense the magic of it on you as soon as I took your arm when you first walked in the door. So, tell me- how has your rapport shown itself, and who did you decide to share it with?”

Scott doesn’t want to admit that his mother has struck him speechless, but she has. For the first time in the last few months, everything is almost too clear, as if he’s been squinting through layers of clouded glass that have suddenly and miraculously been wiped clean. “Wait. That’s what it is? The thing me and Jimmy have?” The words are out before he can stop himself, curiosity creeping into his mind, pushing out any coherent thoughts.

“Oh, so it’s Jimmy, is it?” Karissa asks, her smile dropping for the first time so far, to be replaced by a slight and subtle sneer. If Scott hadn’t spent all of his formative years with the woman, he’s not sure he would’ve even noticed the negative expression. “Scott, I’m not like your father. I’m not against you having a boyfriend- in fact, I had a girlfriend when I was younger. I am many things, but a homophobe is not one of them. But, still, I do have my worries- didn’t you say he was homeless before that? Not to mention the fact that he’s an avian… I’m not sure if I want you to associate with their kind, they’re awfully… scruffy. Not fit to interact with people of our class.”

Her words take Scott by surprise, though honestly, at this point in their relationship, they probably shouldn’t. “That’s- that’s not an okay thing to say- what the fuck, Mother? Jimmy is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met, and John and Laura are better parents than you and Father ever were.” Now that he knows his mother can’t control him through her magic, Scott suddenly feels a whole damn lot more confident. Of course, even without her siren powers, Mother is a master manipulator, but at least now he knows that if she tries her magic again, he has a way to cancel it out.

“Hm,” Scott’s mother mutters noncommittally, scrutinously looking over her nails with faked interest before meeting Scott’s eyes, where her wide grin has grown back on her face. “Anyways- are you interested in learning more about the rapport, how to manage and utilize it, et cetera?’

As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, (because if he didn’t know his mother was a terrible person, he sure does now) Scott is. He’s insanely interested, he’s never really had a chance to learn about this part of his heritage, of his backstory- and if it’s special, what he and Jimmy share, he wants to find some way to control it so they aren’t both just bowled over by memories whenever emotions get too high.

“Yes.” He voices the answer against his best judgment, he says the wordsAnd that’s it. Mother has him in checkmate, there’s no getting out of this, and from the look on her face, he can tell that she knows she’s won. Once again, she’s won.

“Fantastic!” Karissa claps her hands together again, kicking off her spiked heels under the table and grabbing Scott by his shoulder, steering him upstairs and into her study, a room Scott’s never been allowed inside until now.

“But, of course, no knowledge comes without a price,” Mother smiles with a fake, dripping sweetness, grabbing books down off the bookshelves of this unfamiliar room, her long, turquoise nails a striking color against the black binding as she pulls a particular volume off the shelf.

To be honest, Scott had known this was coming: he knew there was no way his manipulative, power-thirsty mother would simply teach him the ways of sirens, it really wasn’t even a possibility that there wasn't a catch. Sometimes Scott wonders what would have happened if he had grown up with different parents, and then he realizes it’s a miracle he isn’t as fucked up as others in his situation have been. For the most part, he’s a genuinely kind, empathetic person, and he’s surprised, when he thinks about it, that he hasn’t turned out differently.

“Okay, what’s the price then?” Scott asks skeptically, bringing his thoughts back to the matter at hand. He leans cautiously up against the closed, creme-colored door, shoulders tent and alert.

“I want you to participate in my experiment.” The words flow off Karissa’s tongue smoothly, like honeyed butter, so confident that Scott can’t even imagine something else his mother might have said.

“Of course you do,” he mutters, pursing his lips and trying to conceal the intense fear rushing through his veins.

“I promise, it’s completely ethical,” Mother smiles in such a way that makes Scott certain it’s not ethical at all, sitting down at the desk and picking up the books she’d grabbed from the shelves.

“Somehow, given your history, I highly doubt that.”

“Oh, quit your grumbling,” his mother simpers, poking Scott in the middle of his nose on the way out the door, books carried effortlessly under her arm. “Come on, it’ll be a fun bonding experience for you and your boyfriend! And you can bring along some other friends too! Of course, I’ve already advertised throughout your school and gotten several submissions from students who want to join, but it just wouldn’t be the same without my favorite son in the competition.”

“I’m your only son,” Scott points out, following his mother (like a lost puppy, little as he wants to admit it) as she sashays through the halls, back downstairs, and into the basement. “And also, what do you mean ‘competition’?”

Mother hums, infuriatingly, and Scott can tell she knows she’s got him on the hook. “Oh, you know, a little game. A few of my friends’ kids are going to be participating too, and of course, you will be paid handsomely. Would you like me to list off the people who have agreed to join?”

“...Sure.”

“The first person who signed up, almost immediately as I put up the fliers, was this boy named Grian, an avian. He goes to your school, doesn’t he?” Karissa doesn’t wait for an affirmative answer from Scott, one that she quite obviously already knows, instead barreling on. “I saw a certain spark in Grian, so I’ve given him some… special privileges. Two boys, best friends named Impulse and Skizz, signed up as well; I believe they go to the public school downtown? A couple others too. Oh, and I can’t believe my silly mind, I almost forgot to tell you that your dear friend Joel has also signed on!” The woman claps her hands in a satisfied manner, and Scott wants to throw up.

It is very clear that she hasn’t forgotten, she never did, she’s just been holding onto that bit of information as a last resort. Scott doesn’t want Joel alone in anything his mother’s concocting, especially not if it has something to do with the Watchers. If he wasn’t checkmated before, he certainly is now- there is no way he’s letting Joel deal with whatever horrific experiment his mother has concocted this time.

“Fine. Fine! If you’ve managed to somehow get Joel roped into this, I guess I’ll join! It’s not like I have any choice, anyway.” Scott spits out the words like poison gracing his tongue, and he can see the edges of his shades frosting over from his anger out of the corners of his eyes.

Mother’s cheshire cat grin grows even wider, her heavily mascaraed eyes opening wide in mock surprise. “Oh, Scott, thank you so much! I knew I could count on you,” she smiles, sighing dramatically as if everything would have been ruined if Scott hadn’t decided to play into her sick little mind games.

“Yeah, great, cool. I’m going home.” He’s done. He’s so done with his bitch of a mother, why did he ever think it could be different, she’s always been like this, always-

“This is your home, dear!” Karissa looks somehow offended, and the utter irony and sickness of the situation chills Scott to the bone, a disgusted sneer moving across his features as naturally as a skim of oil slimes across the surface of a cup of water.

“No. It’s not.” As Scott walks out, Mother makes no move to stop him- but he can feel her eyes searing into his back, almost hear the way her teeth click together when she smiles. She doesn’t call out until he’s already halfway down the garden path.

“Scott, darling! Come over, this time tomorrow, and I’ll teach you about the rapport, what it means, and how you can harness it. Don’t forget to try and get Jimmy and Owen and Shelby into the game, there’s a limited number of slots!”

Scott’s back tenses at the word game.

Nothing good can come of this.

As he steps through the now-deserted streets, he pulls up his phone to check for notifications he might have missed, and inadvertently realizes it’s somehow well past midnight. Where did the time go? What has he been doing all day? Jimmy must be worried sick-

His phone rings, and speak of the devil, it’s the canary himself. Scott picks up immediately, pressing the phone to his ear, Jimmy’s voice panicked but still coherent on the other end.

“Scott, thank god you picked up! Are you okay? What happened, where have you been?! Owen and I have been so worried about you, and John and Laura were just about to call the police to file a missing persons report- but I insisted calling you one more time and thank god I did, please get home soon, we’re all so worried-” Jimmy takes a break to breathe, and something seems to snap in him, his anger pouring through the phone and almost making Scott flinch.

“Scott, where the fuck have you been?! I haven’t seen you since noon, you’ve been gone for more than 12 hours, I was so scared, explain yourself right this fucking instant! Or I swear to god-”

“Jimmy, I’m fine, I’m fine.” Scott tries to disregard the pang of affection he feels for his boyfriend, because he was worried about him, someone was actually worried about Scott- “My mother was in town, so I decided to pay her a visit. I lost track of time. I’m sorry.”

“Losing track of time is three or four hours gone, maybe five. YOU WERE GONE FOR TWELVE AND A HALF HOURS. I know you have a better explanation, a real explanation, and I want to hear it. Now. Also, wind back: your MOTHER was in town?! You mean the abusive, manipulative cult leader mother who I’ve heard oh so LITTLE about?”

“Okay, okay, let me get home, and I’ll explain everything, I swear.”

There’s silence on the other end, and Scott feels a bit of anxiety set in. He’s really made Jimmy worry, probably Owen too, and he can’t even imagine the panic that must be going through John and Laura’s minds right now. Scott swallows deeply, quickening his pace and stepping down the well-tread route to his home. He doesn’t look behind him as his mother steps out onto the deck and watches him go, a manipulative, wide-toothed smile painted ferociously across her face.

“I’ve got you now,” she whispers, quietly, as Scott’s heart thumps green in her enhanced vision. He doesn’t know it yet, but he doesn’t have a choice in whether he participates in her game or not. It’s not an option anymore.

But Karissa, through years of reading psychology books in her free time, through years of leading her cult (yes, she does admit it’s a cult- not that she would to anyone’s face)- through all this, Karissa has found that the best way to make someone do something you want is to make them feel as if they’ve got a choice.

Even when they absolutely do not. Scott has been ensnared, and because of his rapport, so has Jimmy. Now, it’s only a matter of time before they realize it themselves. It’s only a plus that Scott has already agreed of his own free will to participate in her game.

A quiet laugh spreads across the post-midnight town, a cackle that sets deep into the bones of any who hear it, tossing and turning in their sleep. Oh yes, Karissa is ready. She has been ready for as long as she can remember.

20 notes · View notes

alltoolewis · 2 years

Note

You pick Ben up from his night out with the boys at the club and he is a little tipsy and you pick up some Mc Donalds on the way home and he keeps thanking you for being the best girlfriend ever and promising you he will marry you one day xx

My Everything- Ben Chilwell ✨

Thank you so much for requesting more of this cutie!!! I've missed writing for him so much & feel like he's currently been forgotten about... so I'm here to keep the love alive 😝 (Anybody else seen the video of him singing Katy Perry at a pool party recently... I had very mixed emotions 🤨Still got to love him tho!)

Not proofread (sorry it's short)

Requests are open!

"Here she is!" Ben slurred, climbing into the passenger seat as he leans over to plant a drunken kiss on your cheek "How's my princess doing?" Although you knew his words were intoxicated your cheeks couldn't help but blush at his cute nicknames... even drunk Ben knew how to get you worked up!

"Clearly not as good as you" You giggled, giving his pouted lips one last peck before you switched on the engine of his car "Did you have fun?... the boys didn't leave you again did they?" It was normal for him to be left on his own on nights out, due to him being the only single one of his friends but obviously they would make sure he was safe before they disappeared to be with whoever they want.

"Nahhhh, Harvey stayed with me most of the night..." He sighed putting his hand on your thigh tight "But then he said he found a chicken to go home with, so he left me outside for you!" Trying to hold in your laugh, you smiled "He took a chicken home? Do you mean a chick...?"

"Yeah but chicks are baby chickens..." He looked at you confused like he didn't even believe his own words "But now I'm saying it out loud that's a little weird isn't it?"

"Just a little honey..." You giggled. Just as you were about to turn into the main road a bright yellow sign caught his eyes, causing him to yell out it excitement "I'M LOVIN IT!"

"What the hell Benji?!" You gasped, hands clutching the wheel tighter in shock "You scared the hell out of me!" You couldn't stay mad for long as he looked at you with a puppy dog eyes and pouted lips. "Can we please go Maccies baby?"

"It's 1am Ben..."

"But I'm hungry & I haven't ate since training & there wasn't any food at the club & I really want some nuggets & I-"

"Okay.. okay.. okay.." You sighed, turning the roundabout to join the drive-thru "But promise me that as soon as we get in, you'll get straight to bed... I don't think I can manage another Benji mad hour!" You almost winced at the sound of your tone, sounding more like his mum every day! But you've had enough drunken Ben nights to know how he gets when the night goes on... there's no such thing as sleep as he clumsily walks around the house, knocking everything over as he tries to be as close to you as possible! "I love you... I love you... I love you..." Ben gushes, kissing your cheek repeatedly as you tried to speak to the woman over the monitor "Please Benji.. one second bubs!"

As soon as the food was passed through the window, that was it... it was gone! The car instantly filled with the familiar smell of greasy burgers and salty fries as he scoffs down his meal "Have I told you how much I love you recently?" He mumbled, mouth full of food. "You've mentioned it once or twice.." You blushed, holding his hand tighter as he places a fry in your mouth.

"Well I will tell you again. I love you very very very very much... like more than anything in the world."

"Even football?" You smirked. If there was one thing you learnt from dating a footballer, is that its not only a job but also a passion! "I love you well more than football!" Ben gushed "You are everything I need, the greatest girlfriend in the world... I could never play a game a football again & I'll still be happy because I have you by my side... My everything!"

Although you knew he was drunk, you also knew that he meant every word, hence why tears immediately flooded your eyes. Just as you thought he'd gone silent after his little love rant, you only just pulled into your driveway when he spoke again "I'm going to marry you one day y'know!" He said so casually, a blush once again creeping on your cheeks as you tried your best to hide "Ben stop it!"

"Why?" He looked at you confused, trying to undo your fingers "I am! & your going to look beautiful in a white gown & I'm probably going to cry & your going to look like a princess... my princess... but you already are my princess so you'll be my queen!"

Turning to look at him, you peck his lips, wiping away a little a bit of pickle that was left on his chin "You are going to be the death of me, my crazy boy!"

"I think you mean your crazy king!"

#ben chilwell #ben chilwell imagine #ben chilwell one shot #laurawrites #ben chilwell story #ben chilwell blurbs #chelsea #Ben chilwell blurb

217 notes · View notes

sweetbuckybarnes · 1 year

Text

Love Story

Pairings: Colin Bridgerton + Penelope Featherington Summary: Francesca has learnt a new song, and starts to play matchmaker for her third brother.

Masterlist | Albums | Fearless Album

Every Monday, Penelope would join the Bridgerton ladies for tea (the redhead was an honorary Bridgerton, Violet made sure everyone knew that Penelope would be the only one to ever hold this title, although she silently hoped Colin would come to his senses and see her standing there).

Like other times, Francesca was calmly sitting at the pianoforte practising her scales.

However, the third youngest had an idea, when she glanced out the window and saw her three older brothers finishing their fencing match and would be coming back inside.

"Penelope, would you like to sing this new song I've been learning?" Francesca asked, looking over to the Featehrington girl, and shut up Eloise with a glare when the fifth Bridgerton opened her mouth.

"Oh!" Penelope squeaked. "Erm..." with 6 pairs of Bridgerton eyes looking at her, there was no chance of her saying no. "Of course, Francesca."

They giggled like children over every wrong note either played or sang, but only got it right when the oldest boys came back in.

Anthony and Benedict were still giving Colin a good ribbing, as he had yet to win a fencing machine since he entered society.

"What is that sound?" Colin asks, hearing the singing from the foyer of Number Five.

"It sounds like an angel," was Benedict's whisper, as he took the steps two at a time (quickly followed by his brothers).

The three of them nearly launched themselves through the drawing-room door, however, it didn't take anyone's attention away from where Francesca sat playing as Penelope Featherington sang.

"And I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you was fading, when I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said," Penelope sang, putting her whole heart into it, bringing the Bridgertons to tears.

She took in a deep breath, looking up to the ceiling, pushing away her tears. "Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you, but you never come. Is this in my head? I don't know what to think, he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring, and said."

Colin could barely pay attention to the words she sang, he could only see the way the sun shines off her hair, and how it creates a silhouette around her. Her eyes shone with tears, her bottom lip starting to quiver.

How had he never noticed this before? How gorgeous she is! His ray of sunshine, she had been shining throughout the years he has known her.

He had only been drawn to Marina because, at the time, she was the moon to Penelope's sun.

Then joining in with Penelope's singing was the rest of their family. "Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone, I love you, and that's all I really know. I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress, it's a love story, baby, just say yes." Eloise had joined Penelope as they motioned to each other when they sang 'I love you'.

Violet looked at Penelope and Eloise, happy that the pair had made up over whatever had caused them to fall out in the first place.

Then she looked over at her son, who was deemed to be gazing adoring at Penelope (but to be perfectly honest, he's always looked at her like that), but there was something different...

#polin fic #polin fanfiction #polin #pen x colin #colin x penelope #penelope x colin #colin bridgerton #penelope featherington #violet bridgerton #francesca bridgerton #daphne basset #kate bridgerton #hyacinth bridgerton #eloise bridgerton #anthony bridgerton #benedict bridgerton

33 notes · View notes

dollidot · 2 months

Text

as per request of the lovely @miaurri , here is a lore drop of my blue eye samurai oc, hiina !!

to make an incredibly long story medium-sized, here we go;

hiina was born to a samurai devoid of honour and an emotionally absent mother. she was deemed unwanted by everybody around her, except for her sister, hana. hana was, in a way, her surrogate mother. she was the one who taught her to read, write, take care of horses, and most importantly, the art of archery. their archery sessions brought hiina to love the sport, and it soon became her passion; the reason she lived, if you will.

"cmon, you can do better than that."

"it's not my fault birds move! they're too fast!"

"just.. focus on the bird. not anything else. hone your senses in on your target and use the techniques I taught you."

an arrow is fired and a giggle heard as hiina runs to pick up her first ever kill; a swallow, pierced straight through the eye.

"see, I told you you could do it. I'm proud of you, my dove."

"I learnt from the best."

and despite their god-awful parents, hana married into a noble family and took her sister in, able to provide her the luxuries she never had as a child. but, all good things come with a curse. and this curse came when hiina was 16, and her sister had fallen pregnant. this was a joy in itself, but when there were complications during the birth, hiina lost the only loving woman in her life and her niece. 16 is a cursed age to be. and so she left to kohama and attempted to live life there. it failed and she ended up leaving, finding the monotony of kohama life unbearable, and she travelled to kyoto, where she began working wherever she could and essentially fighting to survive. but, she was happy for the most part. she had her horse (whom she named saki when she was 6) and archery, and to a teenage girl, that was all she needed. for 4 years she lived this way, taking on any jobs people would give her and spending her nights sleeping in trees. and at 19, she stumbled across a half-dead mizu under the tree she'd been sleeping in, soaking the snow with blood. having been taught to attend to injuries by hana, she nursed the stranger back to health. when mizu awoke, there was a moment of tension as hiina looked into her eyes and found herself perplexed. this.. stranger, was gorgeous. and the eyes only added to that, but she'd heard stories in her time wondering through kyoto about the blue eyed samurai, the onryō haunting japan, and she realised this wasn't any scary being, and she laughed, a source of solace to the barely functioning swordswoman. that night ended in the pair of them sitting by a fire sharing stories of their lives.

"yknow, for everything I've heard about you, you're.. surprisingly nice. some onryō you are, huh?"

"yes, well, you saved my life. I'm not going to kill someone who saved me from bleeding out before I could get my revenge."

"so you're not killing me? wow, what a lucky girl I am."

"don't push it."

and thus the pair became almost inseparable; a fallen samurai's daughter, and a supposed demon. strange pair, but they made it work. besides, having somebody to travel with made life a lot more interesting, even if that person didn't exactly want her there. and the eventual arrival of ringo and taigen only intensified the excitement. hiina and ringo bonded over their aspirations to become great at their favourite thing (for hiina, archery, and for ringo, noodles), and hiina and taigen over their mutual love for fighting. although as much as hiina got along with taigen, she couldn't ever forgive him for what he'd done to mizu. by that point the two had told the other of all there was to know: mizu of her birth, her revenge, and later, her being a woman (after hiina had to stitch up a wound on her chest), and hiina of her family, her sister, her sister's death, and her journey to find some form of meaning in life. the pair had grown fond of one another and had proved to work incredibly well together in combat. the unspoken feelings between the two weren't addressed until a near death experience where hiina may or may not have confessed whilst shooting an enemy in the eye. and although the situation was stressful and they quite literally almost died, they ended up smooching quickly; blood soaked and injured, but at least the silent yearning was resolved.

"hey, if I die, I wanna let you know something first."

"you won't die, but what?"

"I love you. like, I really really love you. you don't need to say anything back to me but I've loved you since we met I think."

a small pause in the noise of blade-meeting-flesh, and a sigh.

"I... love you too. gods I can't believe I said that."

"well, at least you said it. I would've let them kill me if you'd have said anything else."

an arrow in an eye and the room goes silent.

"well, it's a good thing I didn't say anything else, then."

(then they kiss kiss fall in love)

and that completes the hiina lore !! as of right now she's helping her wifey with revenge in london and beating the fuck out of fowler for funsies. i hope I wrote this well lmao I was sorta just rambling because I have never not once been asked to talk about my ocs so I was excited and sorta rushed it but yes that's hiina's lore, the trauma is real, f in the chat for hana may her gorgeous soul rest in peace.

(ps here's a little doodle I did of hiina in their room at an inn in london while mizu's off sorting out information stuff reading a letter from her beloved, who is attempting to learn english)

#blue eye samurai #bes #mizu x oc #oc lore #bes oc #rip hana you would've loved renaissance art #she didnt deserve this #i love traumatising my ocs #trauma is a bitch

6 notes · View notes

rena-iwa · 2 years

Note

I noticed something interesting when rereading Riftan’s POV. Riftan’s plan to leave Whedon and not stand trial is not out of character. After Riftan marries Maxi he plans to step down as the commander of the Remdragon Knights and ask the Duke of Croyso for an army to take to the dragon subjugation. But, the knights refuse to accept his resignation and join him on the campaign. They later plan to defect with Livadon with him.

Hmm... I think yes, but also no, but also a little bit of yes? I'd say the major difference between those events is his motive, which also shows how obsessive he became after he learnt of how Maxi had been treated.

He could potentially be described as one with tendencies towards being self-sacrificial. (Although I wonder whether it isn't too strong of a word. It just appears that, when given a responsibility, he defaults to relying on himself only, even if it could potentially hurt him? Especially if others could be harmed in the process. It may be more so incidental that he ends up sacrificing his well-being, as he keeps on drawing the short end of the stick, but I digress). Definitely a common denominator between the two events.

I'm not sure if I'm capable of describing my thoughts well, but let me try.

What I see as the major difference is the reasoning behind his actions. Before the first dragon campaign, Riftan plans to leave the post of the commander of Remdragon Knights, because he doesn't want to endanger his knights. He was roped into participating in it, they don't have to share his fate. Assuming his subordinates were fine with his decision, his choice would be one that'd significantly reduce the amount of harm done -- Duke's scheme would affect only one person. The order would still function, his knights could go on about living their lives, they wouldn't have to endure any hardships. (However, them threatening to follow him regardless? That tips the scales of what's beneficial. If he still followed through with stepping down as the commander, then a rift would be formed within the knightly order, thus potentially weakening its status. The knights who'd follow him would still experience the horrors of the expedition. Additionally, given lack of any structure and the fact that only some might have chosen this path, their regiment could be at a disadvantage, thus putting their lives in even more danger. At that point, it just doesn't make sense for him to leave the post anymore).

With the trial? I'd say he loses the ability to see the bigger picture. Riftan just fixates on Maxi, and on what would be most beneficial to her, no matter what price he'd have to pay. No matter what price would be paid by the system surrounding him. That second part, that's what's "not like him", but also... Very like him. In my opinion, it speaks of how his mental state has become at the time. Rift within the Remdragon Knights? Losing Anatol (who knows what would happen to people living there under a new liege)? Losing any status he obtained for himself, having to revert to being a mercenary, possibly dragging others along the very same path? Riftan is ready to burn his entire life down for her sake, even after an exit from the situation appears. (I have a post on this saved in my drafts, so let me cut it short here).

So, yeah. In a way, self-sacrifice is definitely "his thing"? But the "why" and "how" of things seems to differ, at least in my opinion.

Thanks for dropping by! :) It seems I've ranted your ear off again... Ahh, I'm not sure, are you an Unfortunate Anon, or an Enabler Anon? Hahahaha.

#answered #Anonymous #under the oak tree spoilers #under the oak tree novel spoilers #utot spoilers #under the oak tree #under the oak tree novel #riftan calypse #iwa and her rambling

24 notes · View notes

thegreatlibraryfangirl · 7 months

Note

2 and 20 for arospec asks?

questions from here

how did you first learn about the arospec labels?

*makes helpless 'i have been on the internet for 20 years' noises* I DON'T KNOW. I certainly knew about the split attraction model by the age of 15, but that was for asexuality I think, and probably via AVEN? (that's an asexual forum in case you don't know). Don't ask me why I ended up at Aven, don't ask me why I knew about ace as a label at 13 and thought it applied to me, because sadly that's all lost to the vagaries of time.

I can almost guarantee that I would have learnt about aro labels via my awareness of asexuality, but I genuinely have no idea when that might have happened or how. Call it somewhere probably in a forum somewhere between the ages of 14 and 19? Maybe?

if you fall under one of the arospec umbrella labels, which ones do you use and can you define them for us?

I have been known to use (squints) demi, grey, arospec, and aego. I would define them like:

demi: because the only person I've ever fallen in love with I've been best friends with for a decade. Also she's married. The situation sucks a lot btw. (never shuts up about this)

grey: because a sample size of one seems a bit small and grey is suitably non-specific lol. Plus there were a few crushes of unknown type when I was a teenager, so who knows??

arospec: ditto. But also because it's really important when I give labels that people do think of me as 'basically' aro, since I have by and large been aro my entire life.

aego: I actually have a fair few ideological issues with this label. If you've (generic, plural) been around here a while, and read my fics, it should come as no surprise that I don't think that people should be concerned if their fictional preferences don't match their real life. (Do I have any clueless antis following me??) You can enjoy reading/writing the sappiest shit and still be as aro as it is possible to be in your real internal self, which is what counts imo. Particularly since we live in a society which normalises romance as the peak of possible relationships. But anyway, ahem. That aside it is also obvious if you read my fics that I do very much enjoy creating and reading romantic relationships. Although I do it from a VERY clueless, vaguely demi PoV where I write established relationships to skip the ????? getting together???? and get to the emotional intimacy bit faster. So yeah, aego fits I guess.

#aromantism #asking things #arospec

1 note · View note

sunny-aftern00n · 1 year

Text

Hello to my fellow mutuals, if they're still here.

Anyways, just an update from me because I know I've been away for a long time.

This year was the most difficult for me in terms of changes. I've moved out of my parents' house, got married, started working all day almost every day and started to learn how to solve some things that I've always been insecure on my own.

I met all kinds of people this year: some truly fantastic, some totally terrible. Never knew how to deal with people and I had to learn. Cried, laughed and learnt that friendships are cycles. Not feeling guilty anymore about not reaching out to someone who clearly became a stranger to me.

I miss my family every day, although I see them almost every week, but also I'm glad I married someone so understanding and caring. I have a baby nephew now and that tiny human made me understood that I really really love children, I just can't stand adults, actually, but maybe I'll talk about this later. I'm a little less afraid of thinking about becoming a mom in the future and this thought brings me pure joy.

All of these events in my life reminded me of the times I wanted to give up everything because of bullying, toxic relationships or things out of my control. All I can say is that I'm very proud of myself for being here after everything. I'm honestly glad my teenage self hold onto little things to stay a little sane besides all the stupid shit I heard and had to face in school. I'm glad I survived all the craziness I went through in my past relationships. I know I'm still healing from some of them and sometimes it still hurts me when I remember everything, but l know how far I've got in terms of releasing myself from the past and I'm really proud of myself.

I had to wait for almost 12 years, but now I see that everything I went through made me stronger. It's not a cliche, it's really the truth. It was a painful wait, most of the times, but I'm extremely happy to say that I'm a survivor and as Destiny's Child would say, I keep on surviving.

Never felt more tired in my life, but also never felt more happy.

I just felt the need to write it down because writing always been like a therapy to me and to remind someone who maybe needs to be reminded: life is a cycle. Like that meme "sometimes may be good, sometimes may be shit" or smth like that. Maybe right now things are messed up, but nothing lasts forever.

Have a little faith in life. Expect the unexpected. Hope you all are doing great and if not, hope you will soon.

Thanks for reading :)

#personal #my post #just thinking about life #really proud of myself

5 notes · View notes

thatwheelchairchick · 1 year

Text

I posted 10,584 times in 2022

That's 8,758 more posts than 2021!

155 posts created (1%)

10,429 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@aislinnstanaka

@nerdferatum

@suggestionsofkindness

@thechangeling

@bookpillows

I tagged 1,508 of my posts in 2022

#litg - 817 posts

#euphoria - 289 posts

#saving for later - 158 posts

#litg instincts - 51 posts

#litg bobby - 50 posts

#litg gary - 50 posts

#litg s2 - 48 posts

#litg ff - 43 posts

#bobby x mc - 41 posts

#gary rennell x mc - 38 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#mostly because those are the most damaged part but also because i cannot be bothered to lotion my whole body after washing my whole body

My Top Posts in 2022:

After The Villa - Chapter 3

16 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

After The Villa - Chapter 2

17 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

Date Ideas for the S2 LIs

I mostly started this list of ideas for me so I had a better idea of what dates to write for the characters I'm writing for, and I thought I'd share what I've got. I've got 5 date ideas for each of the LIs I included, but I wasn't comfortable writing for the Casa boys, Elisa and Priya.

Let me know if you disagree, I really struggled with Ibrahim, Lucas and Noah's, but I think they mostly make sense. These aren't necessarily their perfect dates, after all, but dates they would hopefully enjoy.

Bobby

Baking together at home

Building a fort and then having a movie marathon

Go to the arcade

One of them sets up a scavenger hunt

See a comedy show

Gary

Go bowling

Go out for dessert

Go to a theme park

Go to the arcade

Take a cooking class

Hannah

Go to the theatre

Horseback riding

Picnic in the park

Spa date

Window shopping

Henrik

Go-karting

Hiking

Picnic in the park

Rock climbing

Volunteer together

Ibrahim

Go to the comic book store

Learn a sport neither of them know

See the full post

21 notes - Posted May 23, 2022

New headcanon: Lucas knows some basic British Sign Language, and although he couldn’t have a full conversation, he can understand more than he can speak and would like to take more lessons.

30 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

What the S2 LIs Did after the Show If They Didn’t End with MC

I saw @noahsthottie's post and wanted to do my own one, so here it is. It's not all of them, but it's who I'm comfortable writing these headcanons for.

Noah

While Noah did go back to working in the library, he also did a lot of charity work while also dating Hope for a bit.

They last between 3 and 6 months before breaking up and going their own ways.

He meets a girl at a charity event and starts dating her. He goes on to marry her a few years later and he almost fully comes out of the spotlight unless it’s charity related.

He does regret not going after MC, but he appreciates the lessons he learns from his experiences.

Gary

He and Lottie have a casual thing for a few months, but she ends things after she figures out that he was pining for MC the whole time they were in the Villa.

She had seen some of the headlines, but hadn’t paid much attention until she watched some clips, which then spurred on a full on marathon to see what actually happened.

He didn’t deny his feelings and that was that for them, not that he minded.

Outside of that, he went back to working, but cut his hours for the first six months so he could do his interviews.

His nan was actually more popular that he was, having made a twitter account and learnt how to use it while he was away, going viral several times, and she actually was involved in most of his interviews and partnerships. He hated the fame, but loved doing those things with her.

He also loved the female attention for a few months, but got bored quickly since he wanted a wife, not a one night stand.

He found his (future) wife working in the soup kitchen, and she was already friendly with his nan.

Bobby

Bobby ended in a friendship couple, so he was single.

He was the most popular boy, and had the opportunity to run his own bakery and have a baking show if he moved to London.

He agreed, and although he was sad to leave Glasgow, he was greatful he moved to where the opportunities were. He visited them as often as he could, and he paid for his family and friends to visit whenever they wanted.

He did a touch of modelling and hated it, but then started a successful YouTube and TikTok channel.

He stayed friends with almost everyone else, and reconnected with Emily from Casa Amor at an event. They dated a while, and he let MC go and became a true friend of hers, without hope for something more. If he didn't think it would cause problems, he'd apologise for being friends with her for all the wrong reasons.

He and Emily eventually got married, and she still teases him about the fact it took a second go around for him to pay attention to her and stop pining for MC.

Ibrahim

He ended with Jo and was actually really happy with her.

He did patch things up with Shannon after getting out, and she ended up genuinely happy for him after seeing him with Jo through interviews and the paps.

He focused on Jo, building a life with her, and on his career. They became each others biggest cheerleaders, and supported each other no matter what.

She did get a bit salty when she realised he did like MC at one point, even after they met, but he pointed out that he wouldn’t be with her still if he wasn’t happy.

Lucas

Whether he was Villa!Lucas or R!Lucas, he didn't stay with his end partner. With Hannah, he knew she was playing the game, and with Chelsea, he went with her because he didn't have another option.

After the Villa, he went back to work for a few weeks, but his patients were starstruck and it wasn't working, so he took a year off.

See the full post

41 notes - Posted January 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

3 notes · View notes

che-rrycolouredfunk · 4 months

Text

Turning 30

When you're old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

Today, I turn thirty. It feels equally surreal and empowering. Thirty is just another birthday but thirty is also the age that we envisioned when we were young and naive would be the age we’d have our lives together. Thirty is the age that I promised boys I’d marry them when I was fifteen if we hadn’t found partners yet! As if that would seriously be the only option left! Thirty is the age we pin hopes and dreams on but we give those hopes and dreams a much too early expiry date.

So therefore thirty is not just another birthday. It’s a pretty significant one. It’s an au revoir to our reckless years, a farewell to our youthful dreams and an adios to our dramatic outbursts. But it doesn’t have to be! My friends and I, live for the mantra “dirty, flirty and thirty” and perhaps not in the literal sense (although that’s fine too) but in the sense that these can and will be the best years of our lives.

We don’t know what life ever has in store for us but personally I see thirty as another new beginning. A chance to rebirth perhaps. I want to learn to play new musical instruments, I want to launch another business, write a book, read more and more books, and I hope to have many many more drunken silly nights.

I’m not going to go on about all the life lessons I've learnt in my thirty years on this beautiful and scary planet as I’m sure I have many more to learn but I will say that it’s taken me thirty years to finally feel just a tad more at ease in myself. I’ve muddled through a serious break up, a serious break down and marrying my best friend. I don’t feel invisible but I do feel like I can cope a bit better with what gets thrown at me.

And that’s all we can ask for right, whatever age we are. Keep growing, keep learning, keep loving, keep going.

0 notes

tetrisfinished · 10 months

Text

the most important lesson i've learnt thusfar in 2023 - or maybe perhaps in my whole life to date is...that it is crucial to allow yourself the grace to feel your feelings.

feel ALL of your feelings.

the good, the bad, the ugly. the happy, the sad, the angry. the pride, the rage, the petty....let yourself feel it all. we do this a lot - as adults and as humans...where we're faced with an emotion and because that emotion doesn't quite fit into the moment that we're in, we try and push it aside. and we try and make ourselves not feel and process that emotion. and we push ourselves to forget and be happy and move on with our lives.

well i've got news for you. that shit doesn't go away. your negative emotions (because of course, typically those are the ones that are shunned or ignored or pushed under many rugs) stew and fester just under the surface forever.

until one day you realize you're harbouring SO MUCH RESENTMENT as a direct cause of them!

as part of my current journey, there are certain decisions i've made in my married life. yasir and i are...well, we're not okay at best. i've more or less stopped communicating with him about much of anything and i've also stopped expecting change of him.

although that last part is not totally true. what started out as an effort to change myself to force yasir to bring about change in himself has turned into something totally different.

maybe the original intention of it was incorrect. but now i'm realizing the fault in my thinking. me, changing my actions to try and control the way someone else reacts to them is STILL ME trying to control things that WERE NEVER IN MY CONTROL TO BEGIN WITH.

of course, while we speak on the topic of control i'd be remiss not to mention that of course we as a human species don't actually have any control over anything. that control will of course always lie with Allah swt. but we do have free will (to the extent of our own situations) and we have the abilities to act on our free will.

but anyway. whatever little control we have of our own situation lies only in the control that we have over ourselves. i can never hope to control the next guy any more than they can hope to control me.

in any case, i've been harbouring a lot of resentment for yasir because i am constantly feeling like i've been hurt by him - he does not care, he does whatever he wants, he does not spend time with us (his wife and kid), he does not stand up for me. and while, yes, all of that on it's own is not great - the fact of the matter is that earlier this year i made the decision to stick this marriage through. and frankly...my decision has not changed. i'm in it now and for my own reasoning that i am actively choosing not to share, i will continue to be in it, unless of course things take a turn for the even worse. which frankly, at this point, very little change in the worse direction would make me change my mind (abuse obviously being the big main one).

but the thing that is (was) causing part of the resentment was always me thinking he doesn't do any of this crap for me - but i continually do it for him! i visit and see all of his family and speak to them despite being unhappy or dissatisfied with the ways in which they treat me. i give them a lot of respect despite feeling like it is often or sometimes not reciprocated. and frankly whatever other issues i have with them, i firmly believe i could overlook completely if i had the support of my spouse with me. but i don't feel that i do.

so that is partially the cause of a LOT of my stored up resentment.

but this eid, i decided i wouldn't be meeting or spending time with them (read: bari eid, 2023). and then, lo and behold, i actually had the balls to go through with my decision.

and you know what happened? that imaginary fear of being trapped into doing something i don't want to do - that fear that my world will implode the minute i actively do something that i 100% know for a fact will make folks upset with - THAT FEAR WAS NOT REALIZED.

i didn't go. the thing happened. yasir went. he took esa. and here i am alive and well enough to tell the tale. isn't that nuts!? forget all the petty reasoning in the world - i finally realized that actually no one is forcing me to be the way that i am. it's this innate thing. it's ME. not HIM. or THEM. or ANYONE ELSE.

yes. my innate thing was grounded in mutual respect and care for the folks that i was sharing it with - but the mutual part of it i never saw or experienced. so when i took one step to try and level the playing field - nothing happened except for that I WAS ABLE TO BREATHE A SINGLE SIGH OF RELIEF.

i did it. i can do it. i can actually act on the things that upset me. maybe i'll go to hell for it, but at this point there are many other reasons stacked against me for that anyway. but MAYBE...in my lifetime....i'll learn to respect the way i feel!

maybe, i'll become the parent who champions the way their kid feels. maybe i'll become the person who thinks about my feelings when they hit. who tries to get to the root of them. who actively tries to wade through them, allow myself time and grace, feel them, and then get PAST THEM.

and maybe...i'll be a better person for it.

i used to speak like this before too (or at least i'd like to think i did). but now...now i'm actually actioning it. now i'm truly understanding it. and omg guise do not bottle yourself up.

let yourself feel your anger. let yourself feel the hurt.

understand why it is you feel those ways. are you hurt because you feel like someone didn't do something you would have expected them to? did you ever communicate that feeling? work through your shit so you can come out the other end and close that fucking chapter in your life.

so here's to the remainder of 2023 - may i fucking grow through my feelings. may my hurt be healed. may i become stronger and more patient.

may i be the person i expect others to respect and may i FINALLY AND TRULY AND SINCERELY afford myself that same level of respect.

ameen sum ameen.

much love,

0 notes

an-asuryampasya · 1 year

Text

[rambling into the void]

oh my sibling better appreciate what I'm about to do. I'm going to. [deep breath] okay, I can do this. ...sing, at his wedding. I mean not like get-up-on-stage-and-sing, FUCK no. But uh, as his sister I'll be giving him harati a bunch of times at various points - idk how to explain what that means in English but it basically involves waving a fire at him and is generally accompanied by singing. I mean it'll be for barely a minute each time. But still, usually there's always this song and dance about who'll do the singing because, well, duh. Public humiliation and stuff. Although it might be just me who views it that way. I think it usually comes down to others not knowing any good song or something. Also people are usually very nice about it and it's barely a minute long anyway. But still. terrifying???

But also. This time it's my own brother so uh, I can do the singing myself, thank you very much. Don't need to struggle to locate some willing, distantly related aunt to deign us with her voice. It's my own bother (affectionate) and I don't need anyone else to step up for me.

It shouldn't technically be a terrifying concept, if it weren't for, y'know, the AnxietyTM. I mean I know that objectively I'm not a terrible singer - even got a bunch of classes from years ago and a ✨ certificate ✨ or two to show for it. And more pertinently, I have a LOT of practice singing along terribly off-key with showtunes from musicals. But I've not sung Carnatic stuff in ages now, and I'm. Well, I don't even know /what/ to sing. I'll probably learn something new? Because I could probably dredge up my old textbooks and find something I've learnt before, but my terribly uncultured self doesn't actually know if there's some songs which are more appropriate or not. There probably are? And idk where the fuck my fav 'rara venu gopabala' fits in that list, despite it being very fun to sing.

And then there's the biggest concern. If I sing this one time, I might be signing myself up for being roped into this duty EVERY time from now on. Which. Oof.

But also. It's my brother's wedding! I'm excited that he's excited and yeah okay, I want to do this myself. Although he probably hasn't even thought about this part yet and also would never ask me to do it because he's the one who's sat through the most anxiety attack induced phone calls from me sjfndnf

But I? Kinda want to? I wasn't sure how I'd feel about him getting married and stuff but this slight excitement is. Unexpected. But a pleasant surprise.

My bother's getting married. Fuck, he really is. Things will change, so much. And that's good, of course. Things /should/ change. He's starting the rest of his life, and that's good. I'm glad he's excited! I'm timidly excited. But it means from now on he can't just drop everything and come home everytime I go home for the hols now, probably. Which I'll miss, but of course it makes sense. There's a whole other person he'll have to plan with. I would've said at least I can just text him whenever, which I can, except the dodo is the kind to simply reply with a thumbs-up so uh, so much for that. xD

But well, I'll still always call him dumb nicknames and I'll still see him every now and then and he'll continue to make dreadful puns and we'll still commiserate over handling our parents, so. Some things will stay the same. The important things will stay the same. I'll always bounce my hand on his ridiculously curly hair when I meet him and make 'boing!' sounds.

So yeah. He's getting married! And I think I'm excited. And I really hope he has a great rest-of-his-life, oof.

anyway did not expect grumbling about deciding to risk public humiliation via song to turn into a sappy thing about change and siblings [bleurgh] but there we are. Siblings, exasperatedly fond of them even when they're not around.

boooo, I say, with affection.

#placeholder tag #placing it under a read more thing because it's just something I need to get out of my system

0 notes

delusion-of-negation · 2 years

Note

Ex feminist/sjw here. I can confirm that using discourse as a way to process trauma will fuck you up even more and you'll start losing touch with the real world. And there's also knowing that people you consider friends will turn on you the moment you have a ""bad"" opinion or forget to tag an extremely specific trigger you weren't aware of, which is literal hell if you have paranoia or a fear of abandonment. I cannot express how much talking to regular people offline helped me.

I think this is re these, but I'm not 100% sure, feel free to correct

it could also just be a reblog I've forgotten about, like this post

yeah, having real friends, offline or online, who won't just drop you over shit is important. I know it's popular on here to say "actually politics is an extremely valid thing to drop someone over" and to an extent that's true - if someone thinks you shouldn't have the right to get married and is always ranting about how people like you destroy the western world, totally valid to go "yeah that's not good for my health", but it really can't apply to every little thing. I have a trans friend who's had actual real life arguments with people who get pissy when they find out she still reads Harry Potter, despite it being a huge part of her journey that she's just not ready to drop over the author being a bitch. and that sucks. as humans, we want unconditional love, because we all have some fucked up part of ourselves, or some frustrating flaws, or some opinions that are wrong, or outdated, or right but against the grain, or some weird grey area - and we're all well aware of a part of ourselves like that, everybody reading this has a thing that they're going "yeah, if I posted this right now I'd be getting hate for days (or more)", and we're hardwired to wish even that part could be loved, y'know? I have really fucking bad paranoia, although not as much fear of abandonment (obviously total abandonment by everyone or a couple of specific people is still not something I'd be anywhere near happy about, I just have a LOT of paranoia so almost anything is minor by comparison), and it's a blessing when you find people you really can say anything to - I only have a couple of people who know my darkest secret, mostly online people but one who's stayed at my house and that was the only time I've ever said it explicitly aloud that I recall, and that is probably one of the best moments of my life in a weird way. it was a joke one of us made that referenced it, and it was so casual and non-judgemental, and I never thought I'd be able to have those sounds in the air without the whole world exploding, y'know? you can't process things in the same way when you're just yelling at people online, you can't trust the ever-dramatic hellscape of discord servers, full of people who care more about keeping the colour they earned their name being than having your back, to be a reliable and consistent group of friends. you need unconditional love from a myriad of sources - eg a dog, a best friend, a partner, a bro, and yourself. as fun as arguing online can be, and as valid as friendships somehow forged in the fiery pits of discord hell can be, it's not all there is to life. sometimes I get too online, and I have to step away because a whole day has disappeared to a couple of tumblr arguments and some random fun chats on discord, and whenever there's drama in a discord server I've learnt to step away unless it's absolutely necessary for me to butt in to try to drag everybody back to the real world where "they were caught liking trans porn that had a slur in the title!!" is only considered a problem to people who take issue with the existence of trans porn or what it means about the viewer's sexuality, not with the wording of the title (that's just a hypothetical but it's not an exaggeration). it's important to have people in your life who aren't going to leave you over dumb shit, and it's important to be that person to others, because if we're all dropping anyone who steps out of line and ostracising them then we end up in a "first they came for the furries and I said nothing" scenario (I know that's not the original, I just like that version), and folks get left out in the cold without people who love them. and it's important to go to the people who love you, especially irl, when shit hits the fan and you're not coping well, because going deeper and deeper into the often damaging coping mechanism of internet politics is only, as anon says, gonna hurt you more.

1 note · View note