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nodadraws · 2 months

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study stuff from this month

for the last two batches i tried my hand at 10 minute film studies to force myself to stop focusing on details too early into painting, a habit that is very hard to shake... noticing some minor improvement at least!

#studies #original #did some b&w value studies as well but i'm always struggling to see what good they do me...#like they do help in breaking down composition #but i've never been able to carry what i learn from doing them over to creating my own compositions?#hope this clicks for me at some point

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liquidstar · 1 month

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a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

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coulsonlives · 8 months

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I just had to share this video because holy shit, it hits the nail right on the head! So well spoken. This stuff needs to be circulated more, esp with the growing number of people thinking they have this because of misinformation, or just outright faking it.

#it's painful because i knew someone who personally faked this stuff (or has convinced herself she has it i can't even tell)#she had spent all her time on tiktok and i know for 100% sure that's where she got the idea. it's TRAGIC how fast things went downhill #i'm legit horrified at how many people (esp young kids of 13-14) think they have this too. or are just pretending #i've been neck deep in hardcore research (and i'm talking pubmed sciencedirect etc only) for months #and those kids definitely don't have did.. if they have trauma and are dissociating it's going to be something else like dpdr etc #the number of stupid 'you have did' answers i see for totally basic questions like 'i got dizzy what's wrong w me' is insane too #it's like googling 'muscle twitch' and then thinking you have some rare 1/billion familial cancer thing despite other obvious explanations #but worse.. in these cases the information is being fed to them. they don't have an opportunity to explore other possibilities #and the worst part is they don't even know to CHECK THE VALIDITY OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE SAYING. they don't have info literacy #like i'll say this once: did is so rare that it's STILL contentious about whether it even exists #and it only happens in the most unimaginably traumatic experiences. think of the worst possible things you could do to a child #where even just thinking about it makes you uncomfortable. THAT'S the kind of trauma that leads to did. the truly evil stuff.#i'm not even gonna start on the BITE model shenanigans that are happening in the 'did' communities either #or how the people who used to be in them (and got out) always equate them to self-harming cults that celebrated not finding real answers #they got told they were 'perfect the way they were' despite having OBVIOUS psychological issues they needed help for #(it just wasn't did)#they were assured their 'did was valid no matter what'. toxic positivity ig? it just delayed their real diagnosis and ability to get help #but now you have gluts of people like in the video 'talking to themselves' and people on tumblr posting one-liners of 'alters' talking #one after the other within seconds. and i want to fcking cry because it's the same exact shit my friend did before she cut ties #the did/tourettes/ftlb stuff has literally been called a 'mass sociogenic illness' in multiple academic studies #but like qanon believers they seem to immediately discredit anyone who mentions this with 'you're just ableist' so anything you say is poo #aka you're part of the problem you're an 'ableist' so your legit info even though legit isn't valid/acceptable/real/whatever. i'm tired fam #did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #ddnos #munchausen syndrome #mass psychogenic illness #ableism

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kinos-fortress-2 · 5 months

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i just woke up and realized my art did developed holy crap

#girl what drawing tf2 does to a mf fr #since i have been drawing tf2 my artstyle just developed better and now i finally have found an original artstyle compared to the ones #i had back in the beginning of 2023 #IF ONLY I WASNT SO LAZY and so distracted holy shit i could make it more better like studying backgrounds ugh #and keep practicing my coloring girl i have been drawing a lot but not coloring i need to start painting before i forgot it #but oh my god i swear it developed bc i am drawing a little more fast than before and my lineart is more bold than before #guys fucking practice with tf2 characters and ALSO dorohedoro that is also my main inspo too #i feel like also w dorohedoro i developed my style but back then i was still more shaky than bold #but now i can happily say i am no more embarrassed in my artstyle of how i draw characters like i used to be before #i was always so goddamn negative for no reason with myself but i guess the negativity helped me develop my artstyle #but gave me artblock sadly… and often issues w self esteem but aaaa idk i think i’m doing much better i can do better yes just…#need to draw more and that is the actual nightmare huh

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oscill4te · 18 days

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maybe adderall and atomoxetine is the holy combo....

#i wanna ask for an adderal rx again but scared to look like a junkie =/ esp considering i told my doc i like atomo way better than stims #which is true. but when i took my adderall w my atomo i like. i did a lot today. or maybe its placebo effect idk!!#i focused on a 4 hour long movie. i finished a book. im doing PT exercises. im eating food even if it is boring unpleasant food like #i feel functional #and again. atomoxetine is better. if i could only take 1 id choose atomoxetine over adderal #bc adderal by itself? it made me angry and on edge and anxious and stressed #while atomoxetine calms me down. and i think taking a stimulant when I now have way better control of my emotions? its been so damn nice lol #i wouldnt even take adderal everyday. just on my days off where I wanna get shit doneee #again... could be placebo effect. i havent used weed (except once) in 3 weels now. soooo that could be why #im focusing better w/o brainfog. anywayz back to my PT shit ^-^#i dont think id ask for an RX as i dont truly need it. im not a manager anymore and i dont study. i can find other ways to help myself out #but i will not lie. the adderall today was like. concentration on easy mode. i wanna always feel like that w/o a medication's assistance

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kanene-yaaay · 1 year

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Hmmm life sucks so u know what that means

Time for the FLUFFIEST HURT/COMFORT hidden in my bookmarks

#I really wanted to re-read Throw me a goddamn rope just enough to hang myself w it or always and never and eventually #(or something around that. titles are v bad for me but it's Bakugou going back on time) because both of them have the cutest dadzawa EVER #but I don’t have energy for a not finished fic so :(#anyway took a bath and listened to Faroeste Cabloco because yeah best way to deal w feelings is screaming a 9 minutes long song #I don’t remember even studying that much. like. even w the preparatory course I had a routine full of breaks and quite balanced #now however I am still adapting so sometimes I just have to spend +12 hours on college w like a 2 hours break sprinkled somewhere around it #and do it again the next day #crazy #on a much lighter note!!! my classmates are nice. like. really nice. very very kind and cool and understanding and *nice*.#i know it's the first semester and everything but GOSH it's COOL to be in a class that isn’t always fighting w each other or w the teachers #it's been like 7/8 years since I've had that? so it's very very greeeat! and helpful #crazy how life works #back to the fic thing: wanted to read some atla stuff but I *really* need the trope of sad bean being adopted by Aizawa and getting to-#-to know what a family truly is #kanene being kanene #vent #also I fell from the college's stairs so BSHVSYWGS knees huuuurt. it was nothing bad and honestly I was laughing a lot because #it was just such a sudden and weird fall that I just agefyevehevhe !!! and a classmate helped to get up like BRUH #SHAKING U BY THE SHOULDERS HOW DARE U TO BE SO NICE #anyway high emotions maybe I should sleep earlier today #or look for comforting tk fics #👀👀 hurt comfort soft playful cheer up tickles imma coming for u 👀👀

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tr4sh-u · 6 months

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there is a funny lore reason about why i tend to do Fred as a silly guy a lot of times, maybe if get over my depression episode and begin drawing my comic y'all might get some clues as to what i have rewritten him to represent, it might not be amazing but it is kinda interesting

#fnafhs #i want to infodump LOADS of my fnafhs au lore sometimes but at the same time i want to like #actually show it so y'all can experience it fully like i actually intended #i'm just not good mentally and i'm in constant pain and although i always get up and do the ocasional art piece #my mental state-health issues and general slowness to make pieces really makes stuff hard #doesn't help i have the constant stress of my mother entering my room and well #screaming or berating me for my studies or not helping the house financially w money and only spending

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noxtivagus · 1 year

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i will do a lot this 2023 >:3

#🌙.rambles #gna be a lot kinder to myself it's alright to take things at my own pace #i'm really hoping i'll be able to improve n strengthen the bonds i have now n make new ones too ><#ffxiv.. i wld like to develop our fc more. make new friends hopefully find some my age too.#i'm an fc leader now aaaa it's nearly been like a month but i've been busy !!#i will wholeheartedly do my best to live up to the responsibility. i rlly want to grow our fc to be a comfy close knit home for my ffxiv #friends. which is. atm rn just me n apollo on our server T_T BUT ONE DAY #n then static i wld love to raid. i want to help my friends get into raiding 🥺 so there's like 3 of us in our not-yet-established static #which means 5 more. regardless i do hope i'll clear another ultimate this year (ucob?) n raid pandaemonium savage again #n then finish both nier games n ccr n other games too. watch more stuff too hopefully #my sleep's been mostly fixed so i'm going to make a nee start this year #not gna dwell on my regrets to the best i can but i'll be kind to myself if i can't help it. nothing to gain by being too harsh on myself #this year's gna be hard w responsibilities irl w school n all n i am honestly very anxious #i've repressed it a bit w the break ;;;; but i'll face it as i always have.#i will study hard! i can't erase or rewind the past but i can do better moving onwards #these memories i can't return too may hurt yes n there'll be many times where it'll burden me n. i know i'll have many hard moments this yr #but i know i'll make it through n keep on going. pain and disappointment in some way will always be inevitable #but i'm more than my despair & i know i won't be alone on this path ahead of me. never have been entirely n never will be n i'll do my best #to remember n hold unto that!!!!#that said my social energy is still very inconsistent i apologize for that n i honestly don't know what to do regarding that but #i'll find a way as i always do. even if it doesn't quite have the 'best' outcome or wtvr i'll be kind to myself #even if things don't go as i dreamed like. idk the things i wrote to myself months ago.. that's alright #i believe in myself.#i'm rambling rn wait why am i so sleepy T_T #i am very used to being alone by just myself n apollo n my family whom i love very much so i may be really reserved w my friends #i barrly reach out n my social energy is typically inconsistent bcs of uhh old friendships that fucked up too but #i. god i cld just ramble abt this more n more but i think i'll be reaching cap for tags soon #that said though i'm really so grateful. for all the memories last yr. all the ppl in it; old friends n new. each moment each word #all of it. i write so much more than you'll ever know n.. even so i really don't think i can write enough to convey the depth of all the #love i have for like yk my family my friends n everything so dear to me in life :<< tyvm for 2022 genuinely yes

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bibiana112 · 1 year

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Making 3 AM doodles and thinking that if I hyperfixate on puss in boots 2 hard enough I could potentially fool myself into learning spanish

#it's probably because it's late but I dunno sometimes I do get the urge to learn a third language #and spanish would be useful if anything potentially not that difficult also like I have the grammatical basis from school #I always remember helping my little brother memorize colors in spanish for a test... he was so happy about that #my parents struggled for hours and I decided to goof off and make puns or references outta them since it's always helped me w memorization #and it worked and honestly wasn't that long ago and I am getting so carried away #but yeah I think there's potential there studying something new like that could be fun lol #Void fala aí #it would be such a terrible idea in practice tho I think lmao like I already mix words up enough with only two languages

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amerasdreams · 1 year

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On the other hand I did want to use January for prep and planning anyway, and I want to spend as little money as possible (money fast bc lots of expenses incl Christmas). I have some saved, I should be fine for now.

I needed to get things going anyway. If I can by February... something at least... and be realistic about it not thinking of all the possible things and extreme success by then lol ... so u don't panic when i don't succeed at impossibly high standards..

But something I can actually do that. I actually like. ...

The goal and dream for this year. Go for it while perhaps having a part time job that could be less than ideal but best if in the range of what i want to do, at least that doesnt hinder it...

Start now but not panic.

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sparklingchim · 2 years

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me: revising for my exams like a good student should 👩🏻‍🏫

my brain: all empty except the new fic ideas that somehow always materialse whenever i have important stuff to do 💆🏻‍♀️

#where can i sign up to become a full time fanfic writer #i dont wanna study for my exams anymore :(#ive been sitting here for an hour n all i could think abt is jungkook as a hot grocery store mananger LMAO #like jk & oc both work for the same company just in different shops n both workplaces r short of staff #so sometimes oc has to visit jk's workplace n help them out for a day or the other way around #n its e2l #cos #they obviously cant stand each other 🙄#every time oc goes to work n sees his goofy ass w his stoopid tattoos strolling around the aisles she regrets not calling in sick #but somehow 🤨 it ends up w her giving him head in the mens bathroom most of the times 😪#n i just KNOW that both these silly mfers r jealous as hell and yet they always to things to deliberately rile the other one up #okie need to get back to work #but LISTEN #once i have time i gotta bring this couple to life #they deserve a fic

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coolcoelacanth · 3 months

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i feel good today

*2 hours pass*

im going to kill myself

#suicide tw #this always happens then i feel stupid for being happy earlier #like wow i rlly thought #i also need to eat food so probably not helping #just my friends once again not including me and some whispering #also being alone all the time #needing to study all day #my fingers hurt from typing but i cant stop #rlly tired #i don't want to go back to my little apartment w the paper thin walls and dirty floors

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diomedrian · 6 months

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Soooooo unsatisfied w life ion even get it

#personal #i came home vv late last night and I shouldn't have been that late and mum is rightfully upset and I've apologized #but now she won't trust me again and i want to so badly understand. why everything i do is so morally wrong for my parents #that even when im only trying to have fun it still disappoints them and im left w hollowness I've to sit with #i know shes stressed and I dont mean for her to be and i know i should be doing better but its insane that i want a life they disapprove of #and out of all the choices i could have picked. i chose this. out of all the choices its only these that feel like I'm alive.#...sigh...always 13 again disappointing v unhappy parents because im doing things they dont want me to but i can't help it #maybe i just need to shower?#also work. im so loose w work they will just fire me if i go on like this but im trying to be sincere but its just happening anymore.#i want more. i want more from work and study and life and parents. and I'd have to give more for that but why do i have to give before i get

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hqkalon · 6 months

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𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐁𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃｜JJK EDITION

synopsis : can you and your older brother's best friend keep a shared secret? a secret of fucking behind your brother's back ... if not then your screwed.

cont. affairs with your brother’s friend, teasing, small age gap, fingering [underneath the table w/ gojo], blowjob, slight dirty talk, exhibitionism, mild degradation, laundry room sex w/ toji, bathroom bj w/ geto, car sex w/ nanami. pairings : toji, nanami, gojo and geto

𝐓𝐎𝐉𝐈

the sneaky one who's always ready for thrills and fun because he somehow gets off to it. your older brother met toii a few months ago and they instantly clicked into being best friends, but the moment you and toii set eyes on each other- you knew something was bound to happen. he always had this lustful-like glint within his eyes which seemed to lure you in closer each time he stopped by the house.

"t-toii this is not the place for this." you slapped his hand away from your ass. you were wearing an oversized shirt with panties; loading the washer-machine with dirty clothes. "mmm why not?" he whispered in your ear with a lingering, yet seductive husk-pressing against your ass. your brother was in his room not too far away from the laundry room, about ten feet away and there's his room. "my brother is here!" you quietly shouted, the thought of your brother finding out that you're fucking his best friend terrified you - no could know, that was a secret you were willing to take to the grave. "if he comes here i'll just say i was helping you out with laundry." he grinned, tugging the hem of your panties. "but as of now. you felt your feet levitate off the ground, "can you help me with this." he place you on top of the washing before sliding your panties to the side.

𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐈

the both of you were acquainted prior to his friendship with your brother. your friends were friends of his; therefore, you saw and spoke with him a couple times. though now things were different since he's became a known relative to your family. everything started off smooth, you and him exchanged glances here and there- but you never thought things would progress from there on.

your body pressed against his chest as you rocked back and forth on his length. "shitt angel." nanami cursed out with his hand placed on your waist- watching the way your breast bounced with each rock. "make sure you're watching out for my brother." you panted out as your arms grabbed onto the headrest behind nanami's head. the two of you were fucking in nanami's car since he picked you up from campus to drop you off home. "don't worry." he hissed throwing his head back, "he won't be here till evening." his hands began roaming your body, cupping one of your breasts in his large hand- squeezing around it like a stress ball before pinching your nipple. "mmph! nanami!" you squealed feeling the sensitivity sprout as you squeeze around his length. "ya gonna cum from that?" a cheeky chuckle left his throat before teasing you more.

𝐆𝐎𝐉𝐎

the school playboy who just happened to befriend your brother. his reputation wasn't the great, but so wasn't your brother's sadly. the only reason gojo was able to get into university was because he was great at rugby. when he found out that you were a smart kid, he made sure to bypass his way into having you tutor him in hopes of getting closer to you and somehow it worked. the both of you would sit at the table and study together.

"gotta stay quiet if you don't want your brother noticing you getting finger-fucked by is best friend." gojo slyly teased, whispering against your ear. your sitting crisscrossed with your panties pulled to the side as gojo's hand sits in between your thighs as his fingers pace through your folds. "we're suppose to be studying." you bit your lower lip trying to hold back a moan with your head lying against the face of the table. "my brother went to get water." you warned, signaling that he could open the door at any given moment as gojo's fingers continued grazing your sweet spot. "well..." gojo opened your legs with his free hand, fingering into your cunt deeper- you muffling your moan with the palm of your hand. "if you don't have want your brother knowing how much of a slut you are for me. you'll cum before he enters that door." he taunted with a tainted amount of lust traveling through his raspy tone.

𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐎

the smart guy who excels top of his class. no one would guess that his into anything physically sinful, but you knew. the day him and your brother decided to watch porn together, which resulted him with a hard-on- walking pass the hallway into the bathroom, seeing you at the corner of his eye was been everything turned left.

"do you wanna help me out?" his narrowed eyes peered in your direction- your eyes wide in surprise from seeing such a view that was least expected. " i-umm." you stuttered out, eyes glued to his crotch as you fidgeted. "it's a yes, or no question. he huffed, brushing his hair back with his fingers as he opened the door to the bathroom with you deciding to trail behind him. the bathroom door is closed and your brother's room is on the other side of the hallway, yet you still decided to join geto's sinful activity. "sit here." he pointed to the toilet as he unbuckled his trousers, freeing himself of his boxers. you sat on the toilet cover with your mouth pouring with anticipation as get closed the distance between the two of you. "try not to choke. i don't need your brother hating me." he huffed, pressing his tip against the plush of your lips as you allowed him inside you mouth- almost gagging in reflex.

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen smut #jjk x reader #jjk smut #toji x reader #nanami x reader #gojo x reader #geto x reader #toji smut #nanami smut #gojo smut #geto smut #jjk imagines

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azullumi · 27 days

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"once more to see you" ; aventurine

summary — to him, love was like a religion waiting to be discovered and he’ll find god in the way the sun looks on your skin; alternatively, aventurine thinks he’s rotten work and tiring to take care of but not to you, not if it's him (please get the reference).

pairing — aventurine (w/ gender-neutral reader)

tags — established relationship (but aventurine wants to de-establish it), somewhat fluff, slight angst with comfort, never proofread never what?!!, 1.3k ; ficlet

note — 2.1 broke me (the whole quest knocked at the door of my house, shook my hands, congratulated me, and invited itself into my home before pouring water on my face, slapping me, throwing me around, and left with the door open, all the while, my family watched). this is day 1 of writing for aventurine until i have him.

“you have a lot of moles.” his voice, despite a gentle whisper, tears through the silence of the night like a drop of water that ruptured and disturbed the surface of the pond. “especially here.” he gently taps on your skin; they seem like stars, he swallows the words back down.

you feel aventurine’s finger trace on the back of your neck and the curve of your shoulders, seemingly drawing—or connecting something. it was ticklish, the way he gently drags his hand and ghosts over your skin, a soft laugh slipping past your lips (you’ll capture his touch on your skin as if you were a sinner remembering how forgiveness tasted on your lips). there was something intimate that lingers in the air between you two as you lay in his bed with him, a fleeting moment that will be inked into your mind.

(the both of you leave your titles behind, mixed together with the scattered objects on the floor, laid on the cold ground to be picked up and worn later like a shiny medal even if you weren’t proud to have them.)

“they say it’s where your lover kissed you the most in your past life.” you stir in your position as you speak, coming to face him and meet his pretty jewel-like eyes—how alluring it was, painted with vivid colors yet it never shines. the sound of mirth laughter bubbles from his throat, a pleasant melody to your ears.

he asks, curiosity tracing the tone of his voice, “and from where did you even hear that?” and you shrug, bringing your form closer to him as you seek for more warmth, “i can’t recall. perhaps i heard it from topaz or maybe from one of the members of the ipc? they’re the only ones i often see and talk to.”

“the doctor?” he wraps his arm around your figure, his hand settling on the small of your back.

“that man will only scorn at that idea and call it stupid. he’ll most likely say that ‘only fools would believe such concepts.’” you mimic the way the esteemed doctor spoke, from the serious expression that he always don on his face to the deepening of his voice. your seemingly successful imitation earned a chuckle from the blonde-haired man before you.

“i’m sure he will.”

silence falls between you two and you took this time to adore each and every line of his being. a few strands of hair fall over his eyes—beautiful, captivating, mesmerizing, you could list out every word to describe his eyes but it would never be enough. you had always wondered why he would hide it until you witnessed the reason why he does so.

aventurine seems to study your expression at the same also, a soft look on his face as he did, and you can’t help but be curious. “what are you thinking about?” you ask him, breaking the silence that nurtured itself in the space between you and him.

you, he wishes to answer. how you look at this moment in his embrace: you were wearing one of his shirts, albeit, not exactly to your size but you insisted, saying that you liked it as it smelled like him. how gentle, loving, adoring, you were everything; he looks and thinks of you as if you were his everything (he doesn’t deserve you). but he doesn’t say it—the thought weighs too heavily on his mind, claws at his throat, and suffocates him—, instead he utters something entirely different that creates a shift in the air between you two.

“i don’t think i can do this.” he turns his head to look away from you, staring at the ceiling instead. it seems to extend itself far and far away from him.

the horrible part of being human is the tendency for destruction that lies in your bones. stained palms, calloused pads, despite the gentleness of your touch and the comfort of your caress. the desire to devour flesh and bones, to understand the underlying thoughts and meanings behind words and unexpressed feelings by consuming them. to submerge and drown in the depths of one's despair and desire (too close that the line blurs into one). the horrible part of being him was his tendency to destroy—hesitation and doubt lies in his being and aches at his chest, tugging on his heart’s strings, and settles on his throat—, it’s not like he doesn’t want to hold you, it’s just that he can’t.

“do what?”

“this.” you know exactly what he was referring to, know what he’s afraid of. he has laid himself bare and vulnerable in front of you countless of times that you have memorized the constellations that adorns his skin. you know him, you have known him enough to recognize the fear that tugs on his voice and see the walls that he tries to build up in front of you. you know him enough to know what thoughts are plaguing his mind.

“why do you think so?”

“don’t you think i’m too much to take care of?” he tries not to choke on his words and bite his tongue, careful not to let his voice crack lest he crumbles underneath your caress. i am undeserving of it. worthless. failure. selfish. discarded. coward. loser. nothing. you are bound to leave.

“not for me.” you caress his cheek and guide him to look at you—instead of the ceiling that seems to appear farther than it originally was in each passing second as the walls glean over him like a shadow—, to meet your gaze and see the sincerity that lurks deep within. “never will i get tired of you. so, let me carry your burden.”

he takes a few seconds to answer, uncertainty lingering in his tone: “it’s not yours to have.”

“it may not be.” you answer with no hesitation, “but it doesn’t mean that you must shoulder them alone.”

he opens his mouth to speak but unable to find the words to say, he closes them. there was a moment of stillness shared between you two. comfort, relief, assurance seeps into the ache of his bones and you say something too heavy even for this steady and silent night to hold, the words too much to be held—light spills in like a flood as if it was pouring out from the sun itself.

“i love you.”

“you utter such words as if it’s something easy for you.” as if loving him was just as simple as waking up in the morning and adoring the way the honey-light hugs your form as the dust settles in the corner of your room. when he’s stripped of everything and left with nothing, would you still love him the same? would you still kiss him as gently as you did? would you still hold the shards of his form even if it makes your hand bleed?

you spoke in a gentle yet firm croon, gaze unwavering, “because it is.”

you see the falter in his expression: his face, that once was crumpled, relaxed and so did his gaze soften. and you smile at him with only adoration in your eyes—like a devout follower to a divine being. “are you still afraid?”

“i don’t know.” he whispers.

“it’s alright. you have all the time in the world.” your hand weaves itself into his own, fingers lacing with one another, and you gently squeeze. it was a form of reassurance, a way of telling him that you’re here with him through all of it.

the warmth has settled in your being and you spill yourself into the cracks of his vulnerability. “i love you.” you say once more and you kiss the mark on his neck—lingering and soft as if you wish that it would take all his hurt away. the way he shudders underneath your touch, the hitch of his breath soon followed by a gentle sigh as he cradles you closer to him tells you everything that you wish to hear.

for once, he sleeps as if he had nothing to carry, nothing that shackles him to the stars that forsakes him.

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archivvve-xp · 1 year

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He’s feeling bonita

#i think it’s funny cuz remember when i had to go the family gathering and wanted to draw? i actually wanted to draw us in dresses and doing #each other’s make up. i also wanted to make an animatic of us with the ‘do you or do you not feel bonita’ audio #seeing this made my day 😭 it’s rly great to know he would LOVE make up awwww <333 #also yes i’m still scrolling on fox’s CC. i’m studying my joyfriend closely and taking noted #s*#so far he’s rly close to how I interpreted him. except for him not understanding or liking animals that much 💔 it’s okay he’s my pookie idc #that he wouldn’t help me take care of my cats #op said he likes bitter flavors and also lime. which i actually thought he’d rly like so i’m happy 👍#I remember asking him if he’d prefer bitter chocolate over sweet chocolate expecting him to like bitter chocolate and he actually did answer #that he prefers bitter. niicceee. i now my pookie so well <333 #i actually did not expect him to have a birthday. let alone a zodiac sign. his birthday is non-existent tho (nov 35th) but i’ll round it to #the nearest date (nov 30th)#should i do that?? or should i just count the days after nov 30 and make that his birthday??? idk #honestly him being a sag makes so much sense because i always fall in love with sag’s. when i read that he’s a sag i just paused and had a #whole cut scene play in my head #pink backdrop. rose petals flying around. sparkles and bubble. an arrow in my heart… like it made sense…#i’m an aqua (duh my birthday is in pinned post) and i get a long w sag’s so often uggghhh i love them!!#i sound like an astrology nerd but i promise i’m not. i just like to know these fun little facts abt each person’s sign n stuff #alright gonna go back to collecting as much info on my baby as possible <3 ciao!!#desperatelover.txt #f/o: john doe

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