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the-regal-warrior · 1 year

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The Captain’s Daughter: Part One

I’m back! Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything, but the writing gears in my brain stalled for a while. But they’re working once more and I’m back with a brand new story inspired by my newfound love of sea shanties.

Note: the song mentioned in here is Haul Away by Nathan Evans.

Summary: Elide and Lorcan living life as part of the best pirate crew.

Warnings: None.

The sea was unusually calm that night. Having spent as many years at sea as she had, Marion wasn’t used to such eerie stillness. She’d led her crew through more storms than she could remember, and found the motion of the waves soothing.

On nights when it was calm and the ship didn’t rock, sleep wasn’t easy to find. After tossing and turning for a few hours, her husband and first mate snoring away beside her, Marion had left the warmth of her bed and Cal’s arms for a walk around the deck in the chilly ocean air, deciding that was just what she needed.

Her crew always said that she had a bond with her ship, The Wyvern, and laying her hands on the mast while the night swirled around her had always brought her peace.

She’d made for the wheel, checking in with her helmsman and the course of her ship. Nox was a young man, not much older than her daughter, but he was a damn good crewman, and she trusted him implicitly to guide them all safely while they slept. But a good captain knew that no one job was beneath them, and Marion Lochan was a damn good captain.

“All good, Nox?” she greeted, trailing her fingers over the rail as she climbed the steps to reach the man.

“Yes, Captain.” He patted the wheel with a certain fondness every member of her crew possessed. “She’s a steady girl and we’ve got nothing but clear skies ahead.”

Nodding, she circled the rear mast, one hand braced on the wood as she moved. The faint sound of someone singing reached her ears, barely audible over the breeze that had kicked up, but it was lost as Nox spoke once more.

“Everything okay, Captain?” Keeping his face tilted toward the horizon, he turned to her in concern. “Worried about our last run-in with the Navy?”

Marion chuckled, the sound escaping her before she could stop it. “The Navy is the least of my concerns.”

Many would have found her statement egotistical and a harbinger of certain trouble, but Marion had a secret most other pirate captains didn’t share. Her closest friend and former crewmate was none other than Evalin Ashryver, the wife of Rhoe Galathynius, Admiral of the Terrasen Navy. Not to mention that Evalin’s daughter, Aelin, and nephew, Aedion, had both served briefly on the ship as well. The latter had become Captain in the Navy, serving under Rhoe and helping Marion and Cal continue their reign as pirate lords.

Descending the steps, she caught the tail-end of Nox’s smirk at her statement, and she shook her head in laughter once more. “Fair wind, Nox,” she said.

Reaching the main mast, she offered a wave up to Kaltain, her barrelman and the other person she trusted with the safe guidance of her ship through the night. The woman was a damn good lookout, and her affinity for climbing the ropes faster than anyone she’d ever seen only added to her value.

The woman waved back before offering a complicated set of hand signals in the direction of the wheel, and it was only moments before Marion heard Nox’s laughter rumbling behind her. The two of them had developed their own form of signs and signals so they could communicate without speaking.

Placing her hands on the solid bulk of the main maist, Marion breathed deeply, her eyes slipping closed and the smell of salt wrapping around her like a familiar embrace. The life of a pirate hadn’t always been easy, but she’d never wanted to trade it for anything else. She knew she’d miss nights at sea too much to ever give it up.

Marion wasn’t sure how long she stood there before she became aware of two things: the singing had become audible once more, and her husband had found her, if the arms wrapped around her waist were anything to go by.

“What brought you out of bed, husband?” she murmured, leaning against his chest without taking her hands off the mast.

Ghosting his lips over the very top of her forehead, Cal just sighed softly. “You know how hard I find it to sleep without you, Captain. I’ve been up since you left our bed, but I know how you cherish your time with your ship.”

“You,” she told him, finally turning in his embrace, “are a good first mate and an even better man.” Marion paused as the singing grew louder, finally allowing her to place the tune as Haul Away. “Who is that, I wonder?”

Her husband smiled down at her. “Just wait, you’re going to love it.” Taking her hand, he pulled her toward the bow. “Come with me.”

Walking slowly so as not to disturb the two people she could just make out sitting on the forecastle deck, Cal pulled her into the shadows at the bottom of the steps, motioning for her to keep quiet. Marion peered up onto the deck, smiling when she realized what exactly she was seeing.

Lorcan, one of her gunners - not that her style of piracy had much use for heavy artillery - and her newly appointed quartermaster, was seated against the railing. Resting between his legs with their fingers intertwined was none other than Elide, Marion and Cal’s daughter. The two of them had been together in secret for several months, only a select few people on the ship - Marion, Cal, Nox, and Kaltain - having been made aware out of a desire for privacy in the early stages of their relationship.

The dark-haired man was singing softly in her ear, the sound only carrying because of the breeze, and Marion felt her heart swell at the obvious love she could see growing between the two of them.

Wrapping her fingers around her husband’s wrist, she pulled Cal back toward their quarters. “Let’s leave them be, my love,” she murmured, catching the smile on his face. He’d told her once that he couldn’t picture anyone better suited for their daughter, and she wholeheartedly agreed.

As they slipped through the door and down the stairs to their room, Lorcan’s voice swirled around them before being carried off to sea on the breeze.

Tags: @highqueenofelfhame @dashedwithromance @musicmaam @snelbz @theladyofdeath @tangledraysofsunshine @keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars @lordof-bloodshed @nalgenewhore @photofeesh @belamoonbeam @mis-lil-red @julemmaes @thesirenwashere @tswaney17 @b00kworm @maastrash @empress-ofbloodshed @celestialams @mynewdreamwasyou @maybekindasortaace @hizqueen4life @firestarsandseneschals @bielectra @bamchickawowow @ireallyshouldsleeprn @thegoddessofyou @somenerdydancer @wisteriiagrow @perseusannabeth @flamingveritas @treasurethelittlethings @story-scribbler @infernoqueen19 @live-the-fangirl-life @vanzetanze @the-hospitality-of-knives @rowanaelinn @mybloodrunsblue @sv0430 @swankii-art-teacher @pagemasters @marigold-morelli @itmeansofthesea

As always, if you want to be added to or removed from my tags, just let me know!! And don’t forget to let me know what you thought!!

#the captain's daughter #tcd #lorcan salvaterre #elide lochan #elorcan #cal lochan #marion lochan #nox owen #kaltain #throne of glass #tog #alyssa writes

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followdelight · 10 months

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1400 words on the nose so far... Not bad considering I haven't written anything substantial in like, a year.

#alyssa writes #personal #like i have a wip i've been working on off and on since like November that's just under 4k hahaha #and this silly pwp got me 1/3 of that in one night #lmao

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seek--rest · 7 months

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#seek speaks #fandom #fanfic #writing #Alyssa this is for u kiss kiss

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aceofthyme · 2 years

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today is my novel protagonist’s birthday

everyone wish the little disaster man happy birthday

arthur is thirty-one now

#alyssa speaks #alyssa writes #arthur william quiney #arthur quiney #alyssa’s ocs

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fantastic-nonsense · 2 months

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Before she leaves, I ask the Batgirl how she does it—keeps herself from falling to the influence of the reality engine. It is my way of remembering him...a single-minded pursuit of vengeance, she answers. Did you get it from him?, I ask. I had it before him, she says. -Detective Comics #1082

I need Ram V on a Cass solo after he finishes his Tec run because he really does just get it

#Cass had her morals and her mission and her priorities long before she ever met Bruce #Bruce just gave her a productive way to channel them #anyway ram v and alyssa wong are the only people employed by DC who should be writing Cass right now #cassandra cain #dc comics #detective comics #ram v #renee montoya #tuesday spoilers

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theladykassia · 12 days

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content: headcanon, slight mention of oral - fem receiving so mdni, all the characters I'll write about will always be adults so Sam is 18+

♱ֶָ֢⟡ Sam Monroe ⟡ֶָ֢♱

꒰⁐⁐⁐⁐୨୧⁐⁐⁐⁐꒱꒰⁐⁐⁐⁐୨୧⁐⁐⁐⁐꒱꒰⁐⁐⁐⁐୨୧⁐⁐⁐⁐꒱

I feel like he would tease you for liking cute and childish things. I'm talking about Sanrio merch, stickers and anything that you can get your hands on that is pink. We all know Sam, there's a good chance he'll get carried away roasting you and accidentally hurt your feelings, maybe even making you tear up a little with embarrassment.

Sammy would visit you the next day with a big ass Kuromi plushie, your favorite snacks and a sheepish smile, perhaps awkwardly scratching his head. It wasn't a big deal, you got over it quickly but Sam doesn't care, he needs to do right by his baby.

He would, without a doubt, end up with his face between your legs too. He'd say he wants to make it up to you, but truly? It's more for his own pleasure than yours. I mean sure, Sam will make you feel like you're about to cross heaven's gates, but he's mainly doing this because he likes how you taste. That and the pretty sounds that come out of your mouth every time his warm tongue slides against your slit. Bonus points if he's unconsciously humping your mattress.

“I know baby, let me make it up to you... Such a pretty thing” he groans. “Hmph, I don't deserve you, y'know? but God, I fucking want you.”

#sam monroe smut #sam i could treat your right ditch alyssa #sam monroe x you #sam monroe x reader #hayden christensen x reader #hayden christensen smut #sam monroe x fem reader #life as a house #kassia writes ・☾・

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thoughtkick · 7 months

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We need more love, not from men but from ourselves and each other.

Alyssa.

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resqectable · 1 month

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We need more love, not from men but from ourselves and each other.

Alyssa.

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stay-close · 3 months

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We need more love, not from men but from ourselves and each other.

Alyssa.

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perfectquote · 7 months

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We need more love, not from men but from ourselves and each other.

Alyssa.

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thehopefulquotes · 5 months

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We need more love, not from men but from ourselves and each other.

Alyssa.

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followdelight · 2 years

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Can someone explain to me why the first Magicians fic I'm starting is an Eliot/Margo Margo-centric relationship/character study lmao.

#alyssa watches the magicians #that's gonna be the tag to block yall #for any magicians ramblings #anyway #i came into this fandom a queliot shipper #and like 5 marqueliot fics later apparently i need an EliotMargo first time fic lmao #so im writing my own #alyssa writes

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surqrised · 3 months

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We need more love, not from men but from ourselves and each other.

Alyssa.

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readingadream · 21 days

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A Twisted High

Pairing: Bang Chan X OC Alexa/Alex

Summary: Alexa's favorite thing is Ice skating and hanging out with friend's. Chris's favorite thing is Hockey and working for the family business. What happens when these two get paired up for a school project and become each others new favorite thing.

Genre: Mafia Au, Hockey Au,

Warning and Tags: Drug use, violence, eventually smut, fluff, angst

Word Count: 1,756

Chapter One

Alexa’s POV

"Alexa. Hurry up or both of us are going to be late," I hear my dad yell from downstairs. Frantically I look at the time on my phone and scream. Oh shit we really are going to be late. I jump out of bed and get my clothes on. I find a random pair of pants and t-shirt and start scanning the room from left to right looking for my backpack, finally spotting what I was looking for under my clothes on the floor. I grab it and run down the stairs, grabbing a piece of toast from my dad and smiling as I ruffle his hair.

"Sorry, I couldn't find my backpack. Now we're waiting on you. Let's go old man," I say, giving him a teasing smile and making him raise his eyebrow, heading to the car.

Mornings are the only part of our days were we see each other, with him being a firefighter and all. So it's nice. Always my favorite way to start a day. I could easily drive myself, but then we wouldn't have this time together. Though, sometimes I would enjoy a morning to myself.

"Do you have practice? Need to know where I'm picking you up tonight. I'll be off early," he asks, starting the car and backing out of the driveway. I look at him confused. Grabbing my extra brush I hid in the car, I start to brush my hair.

"Yes, I do. So I guess that means to pick me up at the Ring. But why are you picking me up?" Usually I just walk or get a ride with Jayde, because dad is usually working. So it's weird that my dad is going to pick me up today. This can't be good.

"So we can go to the station for the job fair, silly," my dad replies, giving me a dorky smile. I give him a fake smile but roll my eyes. I love my dad and appreciate what he does for me and our town, but I just don't want to be in his field of work or anywhere near it… which he just doesn't understand.

"Okay, sounds good. I get done at about 5, is that too late or should I skip practice today?" I say unamused looking out the window. I think about how I will actually have to tell him and break his heart that I wanna go into Event Planning.

"No, that is fine. It's not too late, don't worry. Now have fun at school." Finally we made it to school. I lean over the console and give my dad a kiss on the cheek. Getting out of the car I make my way to the front and wave bye to my dad.

Walking into the school I head to my locker. Placing my books inside, I hear a bang next to me.

"Why does everyone like Tina? They need to get off her ass, she's a bitch," Chantel whines leaning against the locker next to mine. Laughing, I look across the hall at Tina who is twirling her hair and flirting with the football team.

"I don't know, but why do you care? You have your college boy. It's not like your man is over there with her" I say, turning back to my locker and away from Chantel with furrowed eyebrows, visibly disgusted.

"True, but my cousin is." Glancing back over to Tina who now has her hands in Chris's hair. Chris is the one guy every girl wants but no one can have no matter how hard anyone tries. I used to have the biggest crush on him, but I stopped trying a long time ago, unlike most.

"He doesn't look comfortable, poor guy," I say, which was mostly drowned out by the squeaky swing of my locker door as I closed it. Pulling out my phone, I check my messages and read a reminder from my coach about the hockey team that has practice in our rink, and will be there after our practice.

"Yeah, yeah, poor Chris. He's the dumbass that went over to her," Chantel snarled. "Anyway, can I go to the ring with you after school? I need a break from the fam and I can like, draw or do homework or something while you skate," Chantel asks, interlocking her arm with mine as we walk to the bathroom.

"Yeah, sure, but you can't really run away from the fam because your cousin and his friends have practice." I pause to focus on putting on my lipstick. "But we can't hangout after practice."

"Oh, Okay. But why not after?" She looks at me with curious eyes.

"Job fair at the station, so my dad is picking me up. I mean, we can hangout and you can come with us. Oh! That’s actually a great idea," I say with a wink and nudge her, making her giggle, secretly hoping she would want to and come save me.

"So I'm guessing you haven't talked to the old man about the apprenticeship? Or about RDSF? Or, I don't know, your real dreams?!" Chantel says giving a disappointed look, ignoring my question. But how do you tell your parents that you don't want to be like them and that you don't want to help people the way they do?

"How can I? He was so excited and happy about it, but I'll tell him after, don't worry. Who knows, it might even be fun. I could meet my future husband," I laugh finishing up a light layer of eyeshadow on my face. When I finish, I top it off with a wing liner and then some chapstick. Chantel and I head out to go to our classes which sadly, we do not share together. But I do share it with Chris and my other friend Kinsley.

"Well at least you have classes and practice so you don't have to think about it for a while." As we make our way down the hallway passing by some students, most waving at Chantel. Now, I'm not popular, but I do a lot of clubs and interview a lot of students because I’m in the yearbook. So I know everyone, I’m just not close with them, only Chantel and Kinsley. Chantel, though, is friends with everyone. We've been best friends since elementary. It's crazy to think that if we didn't meet then we probably wouldn't be friends now.

"I guess you're right," I nod in agreement. But then I started to worry about the job fair.

"Always remember that." Both of us giggle and are about to part ways to our first period. We see Chris make his way over alone for once, he's usually with his crew of hockey boys or some girl.

"Hey cuz, Alex," he smiles and nods at me with that beautiful smile as he walks into the classroom.

"Enjoy class with my annoying cousin. See you at lunch unless you have it with Kinsley today." Waving goodbye, I walk into class and take my seat. I love science and it’s my best subject so having it in the morning is pretty nice and makes getting up easier sometimes.

"Hello class, we will be discussing an upcoming group project. Before you get all excited, I have already chosen the pairs." Great, I never get someone I know or would like to work with. After Mrs. Ferguson named some students, I then heard my name. I look up waiting to see who I will be paired up with. To my surprise, I hear Chris's name right after mine being called. I look over to him already staring at me giving me a smile and an eyebrow raise. I just shake my head waiting for more instructions from the teacher.

“Okay, there are all your groups. Now, onto the whole project. You and your partner will find and collect 50 flowers each. I want you to write every detail about the flower, the animals around, and how fast it grows. Then you guys will have to present it to me and I’ll press them and put them in a journal.” Mrs Furgeson finishes off the last instructions to the assignment. As I write down the notes for the assignment, I hear a hiss and turn around to see Chris.

“So I guess we got to do this together. Can’t wait. I’ll get your information at the rink tonight.” I just nod my head and go back to writing my notes. But I hear a scoff coming from Tina next to me in front of Chris. I just wink at her and go back to my notes. The project seems to be easy, which is nice.

When the bell rings, I grab my bag and make my way to the door being the first one out. I didn't want to deal with Tina and her jealousy. I then head to my second period class. Before I make my way to Kinsley at our normal meeting spot, I feel a sharp pointed tap on my shoulder. I turn around to be greeted by the fakest smile.

"Alexa, I love your shirt today. It's so cute. Did you do something with your hair?” I hold in a laugh as I can see in Tina’s eyes that she is in pain talking to me right now. I roll my eyes, turning back around knowing that she'd throw a fit that I wasn't bothering to give her any more time out of my day… which I was correct, she did get upset. I felt her pull me back and sadly was facing her again. “Don't turn your back on me when I asked you a question, that's rude.”

I faked a smile, shrugging my shoulders as I looked her dead in the eyes. “And touching me without permission isn't? If I wanted to speak to you more, then I would. Though I don't want to. Why would I waste my time when I have class to get to?” The look on her face told me everything. Tina was pissed that I spoke back, that I wasn't giving in to her fakeness.

Watching Tina turn away and storm off made me snicker as I turned to go meet Kinsley at our spot before class, but now we wouldn't have much time left since the wicked witch of the west wanted to try and be nice and waste the time I did have. All because she was jealous of me, I'm sure.

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#fanfic #straykids #bang chan x oc #bangchan imagines #bang chan fanfic #lee know #christopher bang #changbin #han #skz #seungmin #jeongin #felix #hyunjin #mafia au #hockey au #stray kids imagines #stray kids fanfic #alyssa's writings

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lesbinewren · 3 months

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when we get a hera syndulla novel written by a woman. i will finally be free.

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willyoubemypartner · 8 months

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Alyssa Cho - An Essay

Preface - Why is Alyssa so unsympathetic?

One of the things that’s odd about Alyssa’s character is that readers have rarely been so divisive over a single character, particularly about whether or not a character is sympathetic. There’s generally a consensus about the complicated nature of characters like Kousuke or even Rand, but Alyssa discourse feels very different.

During the formal arc, Quim has mentioned a few times that many scenes had to be cut due to Webtoon’s concerns about mature/dark content conflicting with adsense policies. Quim has recently mentioned weaving these scenes back in wherever possible, meaning that things were still happening in universe, we just couldn't see them. But now when these themes come up later to be more explored, they have to be introduced in a roundabout way for it to make sense. Instead of us getting what was intended and being able to build off that foundation as we follow the story and naturally understanding the pacing as it goes.

Now how does this tie into Alyssa? Alyssa in particular had important scenes cut from the formal - parallels we lost with Alyssa and Shin-Ae, the understanding and characterization of the Kims and other elites, the reality of her life in the idol world. It turned the formal into more of a ? than it needed to or should have been, and pulled the foundation of understanding Alyssa’s character right out from under us. We went essentially 200 chapters without really getting a look at her. She was introduced (like many ILY characters) in a certain way, but it took so much longer for her to get to show her depth and development beyond that mold. And it makes it so much harder for readers to see her objectively. People don't want to have to flip their entire understanding of and feelings towards Alyssa at chapter 230.

The foundation for Alyssa being more than just the attention seeker has always been there, we just didn't get to see it.

I don't always love Alyssa. But I feel for her. She's a real person as much as every other character. She’s not just "a girl who makes the wrong choices" nor is she just “the bad friend” or just “the trapped victim” - she is all of them . Alyssa may be misguided, but that’s just it - she's misguided because she never learned how to conflict. She tries to make the right choices, and fails. She’s trying her best and it never works out for her. And so she makes mistakes and she hurts people - including herself. And a lot of them are big mistakes, with very real consequences. She can see what’s really happening around her, but thinks that maybe it can work. And so she keeps making those wrong choices, because the core that she needs to change isn't something she feels safe to rectify. She’s miserable, but she can’t get out. She draws herself to the only light she can see, like a moth to a flame.

She’s introduced as this foe, even the mini Yui. And we're supposed to originally see her that way and know that that's now Nol has come to see her. But we are simultaneously supposed to break that down and see that she is also trapped. She idolized Yui and fell so far into the deep end without realizing it and now has to be Yui's puppet. The puppetmaster imagery is both Alyssa taking after Yui and falling for it, AND Yui taking advantage of her and Alyssa having no choice anymore but to play along and be taken advantage of. There’s that inherent dichotomy to how Alyssa acts and who she is and why she is.

Something about Alyssa is that her motives and feelings are almost always far more complex than they appear. Alyssa is so plagued by those parts of herself that she’s afraid of. Alyssa gets so much criticism for making her choices because for us it's so easy to see where she's going wrong. But, if she could really see it, she wouldn't be here. We know how this really ends and what would actually help, but all Alyssa has seen is that the way she handles things is the viable option. The whole point with Alyssa is that nobody helped her navigate these things . She's as much a victim as everyone else, even though she's hurt arguably our two most sympathetic characters.

Everyone thinks that she is an attention seeker. That she's successful and aloof and just drops people. Nobody is taking a second to see her childhood trauma, understand her real motivations, look at how trapped she is, how miserable. Nobody is extending a hand to her because they don't understand. And with nobody understanding her, nobody can give her an actual way forward, because everyone's attempts will be for a problem that isn't the real issue. Like many, if not all, of our characters, in order to understand Alyssa we have to acknowledge that the reason this is happening is because of unmet and unaddressed needs, lack of personal insight, being in survival mode - the person feeling like they had no other choice.

The people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters, and we are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates all the harm, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

Unconditional Love & Chasing The Light

At the core of Alyssa’s character is the desire to be seen and accepted for herself, at odds with the belief that who she is can’t possibly be okay.

We get some important insight into this throughout the Shinlyssa arc, but especially at Alyssa’s house and with the bullies. In Alyssa’s bedroom we see portraits of Hedy Lamaar, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Melba Roy Mouton, Alan Turing, Vera Rubin, and Sally Ride. The portraits were identified and analyzed by Kimione back in 2022 (https://new.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/ws18yg/alyssa_cho_symbolisms_notes_and_scribblings/) as well as this recent post (https://www.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/15sh4k7/the_portraits_in_alyssas_room_in_episode_190/?sort=confidence).

Recurring themes in the portraits are all of them being involved in groundbreaking science, contributions to communication or space, being both scientific and artistic, experience of inequity and adversity, and nonnormative sexuality. For all of these people, resilience and passion in the face of a world which did not see them clearly, which did not initially support them, carried them through to their success. For many of them, a key figure (or several) in their lives provided that support that helped them reach the world. Hedy Lamarr said that her father “made me understand that I must make my own decisions, mold my own character, think my own thoughts.”

In Alyssa’s case, we can see based on her choice of portraits and conversation with Shin-Ae that she wants to be seen for who she is, leave her mark on the world through her passions, be genuine in an off-beat way. Like those on her wall, she has a natural skill for both arts and science, but intends to pursue her passion for science, perhaps using her skill in the arts to inform her manner of thinking. The difference, however, is that she does not appear to have that support network. She says that her parents follow her every whim and she’s never been able to develop a real sense of self. We see that her mother puts on a face, appears weak, passive, the trophy wife. When Alyssa was home sick from school, we see her struggle to cope with conflict and rejection, curling up in her room and refusing to talk to anyone but Shin-Ae - yet she “flips a switch” the second she hears her father walk through the door. Something that she does often, as her mother even expected it. Alyssa establishes in that moment that it is not her emotions flipping a switch, but rather the fear of what happens when her father comes home and she is not who he wants her to be. She likely fears her strict father, and resents her passive mother. Either way, Alyssa clearly doesn’t feel supported in herself - she must be the perfect poster daughter, has no role models to look up to, has no understanding of how to make her own decisions, mold her own character, think her own thoughts.

Alyssa frequently exhibits self-doubt and feelings that nobody is listening, that nobody cares. That she must mold herself to whatever others want. That she has to keep parts of herself hidden. That what she wants to be is not something that she can pull herself up in the world through. That she has to bide her time and assuage people to earn her freedom. That she is trapped and isolated.

Although not directly confirmed, we get many hints throughout the Shinlyssa arc that Alyssa is a lesbian, that she had feelings for Shin-Ae. Alyssa being gay in a homophobic world, desperately trying to fit the social mold and find unconditional love, creates such a tragic outcome. While there are obviously so many more types of love than romantic, to have something Alyssa feels such shame for, something that she can not escape or pretend away, something she did not choose, something so wrongly yet so often considered a disease, an abomination, wrong, unnatural, nonconformist tied so directly to the experience of love creates such an all-consuming conflict in Alyssa. Even if she were bisexual, she could suppress enough of herself to fit the mold and find that love (as much as it would still hurt). With her being a lesbian, it enters the fact that she will never be able to find that kind of love while she’s hiding herself. That in her quest to fit the social mold to find love and validation she’s completely closing off that gate. There is something so incredibly tragic about that self-fulfilling prophecy, and it fuels so much of Alyssa’s conflict.

Something important is how much the Shinlyssa event affects not only Shin-Ae, but Alyssa. And, when talking about the Shinlyssa event, something so important to keep in mind is how young they were. They were children, only 12 or 13 years old, in a new environment - especially for Alyssa, who had never been outside the social environment of her home.

Shin-Ae is a character whose light shines bright, which everyone is caught in. That same light that she’s sharing with Nol. A light that even Alyssa was in back in middle school, but that she couldn’t stand in, because Alyssa couldn't accept all of herself. If she stayed in Shin-Ae's light, it would have illuminated the truths she's afraid of. Alyssa is so afraid of the light shining on parts of herself she doesn't want seen that she lets the light go out all together.

It's better in the dark.

So she snuffed out her own light.

She just wants to be accepted and thinks that nobody will accept her because of those parts of herself that she can’t accept. That she’s been taught are wrong. So she can not find acceptance and belonging, she can not stand in the light. And she settles for the closest thing she can find, that artificial light that lets her keep those parts of herself hidden. But that light will never come close when she has to hide so much of herself.

There’s likely only one time in Alyssa’s life that she felt that sense of unconditional love - in her relationship with Shin-Ae. How Alyssa felt the emotional support she desperately needed, that love she craved, that acceptance for her authentic self. How she felt seen with Shin-Ae. How she pushed her away because those are feelings she's not allowed to have. Not for an outcast. Not for someone so brazen. Not for a girl. Not for someone who sees Alyssa as she genuinely is. And now that feeling of actual love and acceptance may be something she never finds again. Only conditional. Only for her image. Her persona. Only when she does what she's told. But none of it true.

Alyssa doesn’t chase fame or adoration, she’s chasing acceptance while being unable to look at herself. She is in this career, in Yui’s grasp, as a direct result of the Shinlyssa event.

Nobody ever showed her safe unconditional love. So naturally she thinks that the only way she can be loved is by chasing adoration. And, as she got older, nothing has proven that wrong for her. The Shinlyssa accident factors so strongly into why Alyssa doesn't see another way. She did have Shin-Ae, but things still went so wrong. It was ingrained into Alyssa that she can not rock the boat, can not be in conflict, has to play nice with those around her. Shin-Ae was unconventional, unpopular, and unafraid to stand up for herself. That created tension between them, and a lot of problems between them and the other kids. Alyssa, in her world, kept trying to keep Shin-Ae and not cause problems at school, but it kept blowing up in her face. And, in the end Shin-Ae falls out a window. This is a horrible way to experience your first taste of interpersonal conflict and likely just solidified for her that you absolutely can not rock the boat, you have to placate people and fit the social mold. It's also likely that her parents were involved in the aftermath of what happened in middle school, considering how much it all got swept under the rug. With her feared, strict father and her good family image mother, I can only imagine what sort of treatment she was welcomed to at home after the Shinlyssa incident. Personally, I also believe that her parents wouldn't have let her anywhere near Shin-Ae afterwards.

Hidden behind the large home and private lessons is how neglected Alyssa was. Treated as a trophy to compensate for the eldest daughter being a disappointment to their overbearing father. Living in a home as the trophy daughter with the trophy wife. Alyssa’s statements of wanting to be part of a power couple come from that resentment, the deep desire to not be that kind of submissive, docile woman.

And then in comes Yui - this godlike woman. Mother. Businesswoman. Charitable. Charismatic. Powerful. Married to an honorable man. Promising everything Alyssa needs - love, validation, adoration, success, belonging. Offering Alyssa a chance to shine, compliments, (fake) love, the potential to become powerful and adored like her. And she idolized Yui, so she took the chance.

It was everything Alyssa needed, on a silver platter … until it wasn’t.

Yui knew exactly how to play her. Manipulated a 14 year old girl just like she does everyone. And by the time Alyssa could see any which way, it's already too late. We can see that she's exhausted. Miserable. Isolated. Always 'on.' Always playing her role. Always on high alert, in survival mode. With Yui over her shoulder, groupmates that hate her, having to be dolled up for everyone she meets, no true allies anymore, being watched and exploited at home, at work, at practice, in the dorms, in public, at events - there is truly not a single place Alyssa feels safe, let alone accepted or loved. And yet she can not leave. She can't stop. They won't let her go now. If she were to stop, she'd have to fail . She has never been allowed to fail. Her life now is miserable, but she sees the price of failure as being even worse.

I think that we're going to see Alyssa continue down a dark path. She's never lived in a reality where it feels okay to be herself. She's pushing so much down and trying so hard to become what other people want her to be so that she may finally fit in. Be loved. Feel like she belongs.

Every one time someone says she's doing great it's like a hit for her, but it's so fleeting. So she has to keep chasing it, because she doesn't know where else to get it. But the more she chases it, the farther and farther down a dark path she goes, running after a torch instead of the sun. And the farther she gets, the harder it is to find an exit. So she has to keep chasing the only light she can see and just hope that it gets her somewhere.

Survival & Safety

In the case of Alyssa, so many people underestimate the effect that an emotionally volatile upbringing can have on you and how you interact with the world. So many people are choosing to ignore that Alyssa is emotionally neglected and likely abused at home. Shin-Ae feels more like the victim to us because we're seeing the story through her eyes and we know that without money you can't physically live, but the thing Alyssa has lacked all her life, the thing that she needs is to feel like she's accepted and loved. That she, herself, is enough.

At the core of all of her actions, beliefs, choices, is one simple fact - Alyssa feels unsafe.

And even Alyssa’s song - she knows full well that she’s trapped now. The imagery points right to Yui. As Alyssa said, she’s not dumb. The entire time that we’ve known Alyssa, she’s known where she stands with Yui. When she talks about Yui at the formal her eyes are closed. The entire time she’s talking about Yui being charitable, nice for giving Shin-Ae a job, not being where she is today without Yui, wanting a mother like her, wanting to be like her. Her eyes only open again when she says she’d love to be part of a power couple. These are all things that Alyssa likely believed about Yui when she first met her, but has since seen the writing on the wall. The savior she ran to in order to escape her unsafe family life turned out to be even worse. And this is even what leads her to Gun Kim in the recent chapters - in the same way she desperately needed to escape her family, now she desperately needs to escape Yui. But since Alyssa doesn't believe in herself, can't let herself shine enough to brave the world and gain control on her own, she needs someone by her side. Needs to be part of a "power couple." This time it's Gun who comes in, the sparkling savior. Except Alyssa does know better this time, we can see that she's uncomfortable around him, that she knows the sparkles fade. But it’s too late now, and Alyssa just hopes to play the game long enough to gain some of her power back.

"Everything will go to waste I’m trying to find my way back But all these red hues keep me locked in place I can stay captive a bit longer So long as I end up on top"

Alyssa has been playing the game because it's the same game she had to play at home. Keep your head down. Do what they say. That way they won't hurt you as badly.

And when we remember that Alyssa's socioeconomic status is closer to Kousuke's than to Shinae's we can understand even more the implications, because it's not just about Alyssa’s weaknesses. It's about how it reflects on her family. Alyssa and Meg act as parallels to Kousuke and Nol, the golden child and the black sheep. Constantly told to not embarrass the family, don't make them look bad, live up to your potential. Nol and Meg are seen as wildcards, burdens, disappointments, people who do not fit the social mold and make everyone's lives more difficult. So Kousuke and Alyssa feel such intense pressure to fit the mold exactly. To never be out of line. To be someone that lives up to their family name. That brings respect. That doesn't cause trouble.

We see this same concept play out in the juxtaposition between the reaction to the girls’ catching Yui’s eye.

When we think about the parallels of Yui swooping in and "stealing away" both Shin-Ae and Alyssa the biggest difference is that Nol could see Shin-Ae, see how miserable she was even if she didn’t explain it to him. And, even then, the only reason even Shin-Ae ever opened up and leaned on people was because she had to. Because Nol had already seen it. He was able to nudge it out of her after seeing her eviction notice and pile of bills. After seeing her so blatantly miserable at the formal. And once someone had seen her weaknesses and supported her, she gradually was able to build back that trust that she spent so long unable to draw upon. But she didn’t start that by choice, she just chose to continue.

While for Alyssa he can’t see it - so much of her misery has been out of his view, she doesn’t open up and lean on people and is so good at putting on her brave face. The more people know your weaknesses, the more they have to use against you, and Alyssa sees so many weaknesses in herself that she can’t trust anyone. Alyssa has been trained all her life to hide anything negative. Never step out of line. Nol was able to see it in Shin-Ae because she’s easier to read, but nobody can see it in Alyssa because she’s been taught how to hide it. Shin-Ae’s biggest strategy for hiding her state was to avoid people - Alyssa is able to hide in plain sight.

Alyssa is always a strong contrast with Shin-Ae, and we can see it throughout the formal. Something so important to this parallel are cut scenes of Alyssa that foreshadow the recent developments we’ve seen of her with the Hiraharas and the Kims.

Such a theme of the night is how lucky Shin-Ae was that Kousuke and Nol didn't have ill intentions around her and were looking out for her. Everyone was looking out for Shin-Ae that night, but no one was looking out for Alyssa. Even her own parents, the people who above all else are supposed to keep you safe, sold her out to the entertainment industry and never looked back. And, to be fair, we come back to her self-fulfilling prophecy - Alyssa is afraid to be herself because she thinks her true self isn’t worthy of love, so she pushes people away, and then has no one. But, at the same time, Shin-Ae has also been pushing everyone away. Nol has to stalk her to gain her friendship, she coldly and pointedly rejects Dieter, she keeps Maya and Rika at arm’s length, she doesn’t tell anyone (even Min-Hyuk) about her problems with her home and her dad. But the difference between Alyssa and Shin-Ae is, in many ways, how well they hid it. With Shin-Ae it was obvious that she was keeping people at arm’s length because she had been hurt. With Alyssa, she’s keeping people away because she’s afraid, but she’s been taught very well how to keep up appearances, so it looks as though she just doesn’t care, that she’s more concerned with herself and her image and her career. So people leave her alone, while they chase after Shin-Ae. While everyone was off chasing Shin-Ae, Alyssa was alone with the elites - no one looking for her, no one caring where she was.

Alyssa is, at her core, so very alone.

Unreliable Narrators & Nolyssa

One of the most pointed failings of Nolyssa, especially in comparison to Stalkyoo, is how much Nol and Alyssa really don’t know each other at all, despite being more privy to the details of each other’s lives than almost anyone else. Both of them are in survival mode, putting on masks day after day, not letting each other in, seeing each other as something they are so very not with goals and desires that only scratch the surface. On the one hand, neither of them have really put up a fight, but also the circumstances were against them. They weren't in a position to help each other. They were both kids with needs that weren't met trying their best to survive. Children forced into playing an adult’s game.

Nol and Shin-Ae are both unreliable narrators. Shin-Ae actually acknowledges this, specifically in relation to Alyssa, saying that she only ever has her side of the story. In Nol’s case, he sees Yui for what she is, and wants others to see it, too. But he also believes that everything is his fault, that it all stems from his existence, that Yui may be a villain but it’s because of him, not that Yui does what suits her best. And that makes it so hard for him to even begin to guess that Alyssa sees Yui for something else, that Alyssa fell for Yui’s manipulation for reasons that he couldn’t see and that she realized after what had really happened. That she could praise Yui, focus on her career, devote her time to this game, and be lying about it all. He sees that validation seeker and he didn't see beyond it because she didn't let him see anything more than that. He’s good at being able to tell when people are putting up a facade, but not so much why .

Alyssa is so much more complex than just someone seeking validation, and she is meant to make us sit with complex feelings. Meant to make us figure her out, to see beyond our unreliable narrators. To accept that she is more complex despite how negative her interactions with our two most overtly sympathetic characters are. We are supposed to be clued in to her more than they are, to see those things that none of our narrators can see.

Nol states that she knows how his family makes him feel, but does he know his family makes her feel? How this whole game makes her feel? That she wants off this ride but it's too late and she can't do anything?

Ironically, Nol is being used as Alyssa’s protector, but not in any intentional way. Nol said that he tried to steer Alyssa clear of Yui, but honestly it doesn't seem like he really tried. When Shin-Ae gets the invitation to Kousuke's apartment Nol just says that Yui is a nice lady. I think that Nol tries to save people from Yui by encouraging them to appease her and then wean away from her, thinking that as long as they do what she wants Yui won't hurt them. But obviously that's not how Yui works. And, Alyssa fell right into the trap, just like Shin-Ae.

But, where Nol is protecting her is by being the “boyfriend,” protecting her from the predators around her. Even if it's not much, having Nol as a boyfriend keeps those close to the Hiraharas who may try to take advantage of her just a bit more at bay. They can't step on the Hiraharas’ toes. I especially think that now that we've seen more of Alyssa's world, how she got where she is, and what likely lays ahead for her. And, it honestly works well for Alyssa - Nol is respectful, not interested in her, doesn’t push her, she doesn’t have to do anything to appease him, doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Doesn’t even have to pay attention to him (although she should, if even as just a friend). And I think that Alyssa does know this, and that’s part of why she fought so hard when he did for once express his own needs and desires and tried to break it off. I think that, once Nol is gone, it's basically open season on her, and it's going to be so incredibly hard to watch - that fake relationship is probably the final barrier keeping her in some semblance of safe.

But, the thing is, Alyssa's fate isn't Nol's responsibility. Alyssa does not deserve to be preyed upon, but Nol also doesn't deserve to be trapped and suffocated. We can see how much being in this relationship hurts Nol, suffocates him, how it's keeping him on a one-way path to misery. How, as much as she does not deserve what likely lays ahead for her without Nol, he does not deserve what lays ahead for him with Alyssa.

As much as I defend Alyssa, urging people to understand her complexities as a character, how her choices are born out of her own survival mode, how she is falling back on the methods that she learned from her home life were the only way to survive, how she has never felt safe and that leads directly to the choices she makes and how she feels that she does not have a choice at all - Nol is not the one responsible for her path, her choices. Some combination of Alyssa, the adults who failed her, and the adults who groomed her are responsible.

I mentioned earlier how Alyssa ended up here as a fallout of the Shinlyssa event, and that implicates Nol’s position too - both in relation to Alyssa and to Shin-Ae. If Shinlyssa had survived, Stalkyoo would never have been. All of this growth between Nol and Shin-Ae, chasing that future - it never would have happened. It’s even possible Nol wouldn’t be around anymore. Everything is a chain reaction. Sometimes there is no choice where everyone turns out okay. No matter which way it happened, one of them was going to be in a bad place. Which is the same way things are going with the potential ending of Nolyssa. Either Nol suffers or Alyssa is in danger - there's no scenario where they are both okay.

Shin-Ae is likely going to be a foil to Alyssa, and she may watch and have to understand. To see why Shin-Ae is so capable of being what she isn't. That at the end of the day Shin-Ae was always enough. That Alyssa was always enough. How different things would have been if she could’ve accepted herself and stood in that light. That if she could, people will come along who love her for who she is. That there was so much she couldn't see at that time and now it's too late.

Conclusion

Despite how easy it is to dislike Alyssa, to to write her off as the validation seeker, the bad friend, the self-serving naïve idol - there is so much more to Alyssa to see. The girl seeking to fill that unmet essential need for unconditional love. The girl who has never felt safe. The girl who was never taught how to handle conflict. The girl who is so afraid of herself that she pushes everyone away. Who hides herself so much that no one knows who she really is. Who’s reputation for herself and her family rides on her back. Who is miserable but sees no way out. Who is trapped by choices she made as a child. Who still makes all the wrong choices because she doesn’t see any other way. Who is just as much a victim, desperately trying to survive, as everyone else.

Now she is trapped in this prison, abused and trafficked No way out in sight No one on her side Only empty love and adoration Chasing artificial light, snuffing her own out from fear of those inner truths, never feeling safe, having to keep going to have any hope of getting out but keeping going being so so bad and likely never going to get her there

Above all else I hope that Alyssa can learn to accept herself. That, even if she realizes it far too late, she can see that was all she ever really needed. Because she can’t have that love that she wants while she’s so afraid, so much in hiding, so fearful of the truths within herself that could be revealed if she stands in the light. The thing about Alyssa is that she pushes genuine people away because of this fear. And therein is her self-fulfilling prophecy, but she makes these choices because she doesn’t know what else to do and ends up further and further trapped. I feel an intense sadness for Alyssa as she, like all of our characters, is in survival mode herself and just trying desperately to fill an unmet need.

And, again, it's not about liking or disliking Alyssa. Absolving or convicting her. It's not that simple. As complex as she is as a person, so is her role in the story, her perception within us. But it's about understanding her - who she is, why she makes her choices, how she got here.

I will reiterate again a point from earlier - the people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters. We are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates the harm, the wrong choices, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

In the words of Hedy - “I’m a very simple, complicated person.”

And that concludes my full length essay about Alyssa and why I have feelings

#i love yoo #i love yoo webtoon #Alyssa Cho #I love yoo alyssa #ILY Alyssa #ILY #Shinlyssa #I love yoo shinlyssa #ILY Shinlyssa #my writing #I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Alyssa okay #My heart aches for her #She's not perfect and she certainly makes a lot of wrong choices but she's not a villain either

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