got some thoughts that i need to get out, BIG tw for disordered eating in the tags. please don’t look if you’re recovering or considering recovery.
#uhhhhhh yeah so i dont think i ever really 'recovered' from my anorexia?, #i'm certainly less destructive than i used to be i'll say that much, #i dont count calories or obsess over food/weight anymore, #i just..really enjoy seeing the numbers go down. thats all, #i like being able to feel my bones far more clearly than i could otherwise. makes me feel good. like i achieved something, #certainly it isnt healthy to view one's self as a project but what is recovery if not that?, #i am constantly in motion. my cells one day are not the same as the next. i will never be this young again ever, #losing weight gives me a sense of agency over myself at a time where i have so very few things i am genuinely in control of, #(i suppose the anxiety of testifying does make it easier not to eat but that isnt the point here. it's still my decision.), #this is still a mental illness and i still need to work on it. but maybe recovery doesnt have to mean stopping entirely, #what i'm doing now isnt viscious like it was in the past. this isnt cruelty. i really do believe i'm doing myself kindness., #i dont fast. i dont have calorie limits. i dont restrict to the point of fainting. what i'm doing is not meant to be an act of self-harm., #i just..don't push myself to eat. not unless my body is telling me i need to., #i am aware that by some definition that is still self-harm. but i don't mean for it to be. i don't do it to be cruel. it isnt about worth., #it's about control. it has always been about control., #now that i have such little agency in my life i take what i can. and maybe that's destructive by some definition, #but the alternative is worse. at least this way i can be kind.