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#am i being cruel

got some thoughts that i need to get out, BIG tw for disordered eating in the tags. please don’t look if you’re recovering or considering recovery.

#uhhhhhh yeah so i dont think i ever really 'recovered' from my anorexia?, #i'm certainly less destructive than i used to be i'll say that much, #i dont count calories or obsess over food/weight anymore, #i just..really enjoy seeing the numbers go down. thats all, #i like being able to feel my bones far more clearly than i could otherwise. makes me feel good. like i achieved something, #certainly it isnt healthy to view one's self as a project but what is recovery if not that?, #i am constantly in motion. my cells one day are not the same as the next. i will never be this young again ever, #losing weight gives me a sense of agency over myself at a time where i have so very few things i am genuinely in control of, #(i suppose the anxiety of testifying does make it easier not to eat but that isnt the point here. it's still my decision.), #this is still a mental illness and i still need to work on it. but maybe recovery doesnt have to mean stopping entirely, #what i'm doing now isnt viscious like it was in the past. this isnt cruelty. i really do believe i'm doing myself kindness., #i dont fast. i dont have calorie limits. i dont restrict to the point of fainting. what i'm doing is not meant to be an act of self-harm., #i just..don't push myself to eat. not unless my body is telling me i need to., #i am aware that by some definition that is still self-harm. but i don't mean for it to be. i don't do it to be cruel. it isnt about worth., #it's about control. it has always been about control., #now that i have such little agency in my life i take what i can. and maybe that's destructive by some definition, #but the alternative is worse. at least this way i can be kind.
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But the thing is you DONT feel other people’s joys or sufferings as if they were happening to you!!! Your feelings are only mimicking what you ASSUME theirs are. And there are a lot of types of suffering that can’t be felt unless it’s happened to you too cus you just don’t know shit about it and by saying you are suffering their pain it’s like…. Super rude imo because you aren’t. You’re just feeling an imitation of the best guess you have for it.

#query, #i dont mean to be mean anon but i am not entirely concerned with being nice, #also gonna be real with u, #it does not impact you as if it were happening to you either., #you wont get ptsd from your friends abuse, #it will make you sad and it will make ypu feel helpless but at the end of the day you need to prioritize them, #because however much your brain is imagining what if that were me and trying to mimic their suffering, #you need to be aware that you will not understand the depth of their pain, #and quite frankly ive seen people use their oh im just too much of an empath schtick to make the person in pain feel guilty, #for being in pain because theyre 'hurting' the 'empath', #in conclusion. the idea that you Can feel someone elses pain or be impacted by their suffering is at best, #self centered and presumptuous and at worst you are harming people, #i acknowledge that the whole your brain is mimicking pain when you see other people in pain thing is real and uncontrollable but like, #you do have to remember that it isnt their pain and that you actually have no idea whats going on and also that your imitation pain can and, #should be ignored because it is just an imitation and the person who is really hurting is the one who needs to be helped, #and also that your imitation pain is nowhere near as painful as the actual thing etc etc, #and also that having your brain imitate pain isnt moral superiority cus the anti empathy as a concept, #posting happened cus people are like really cruel to low empathy people
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Apropos of nothing I suddenly have a theory that Yen’s bright red lipstick clashing with her purple eyes is on purpose, that it’s a representation of how she still doesn’t feel at home in this version of herself, the one she made to survive Aretuza, to survive not being what people wanted, to survive being in danger by playing the part people wanted from her. Red lipstick is a classic beauty queen look to the point of being stereotypical, the pageant queen, the pin up, disney’s evil queen is who is so feared and so powerful and so iconic that we still don’t know what her name is because she doesn’t need a name, she’s just a villain, just a woman with power who must go mad from it. And there’s a reason it looks wrong on Yennefer. My prediction is that as she gains traction and control in her life by identifying what she wants and bringing her considerable power to bear on making that happen, she will choose to wear purple lipstick to match her eyes, the part of herself she chose to keep, aligning the performative self with the authentic self as she becomes comfortable in her own identity.

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arguably the only like, Honest thing she said about the master in s12 was in spyfall part two, that they were old friend who went very different ways (admittedly, she left them to assume he got nasty and not She’d gotten nicer, but still), using her ‘i’m better than you’ in a comparison to twelve’s comments about missy to bill is a… i don’t know what you call it tbh, one of those times where you compare two things that on the surface look similar but it’s literally only out of context that it seems that way. 

a more accurate comparison to that moment with twelve and bill would be 13′s comments to the fam. It’s the only thing out of what she told them in that scene that was Actually True. Add on to the fact that her comments To the master in the timeless children were directed from a place where she thought he was looking down on her and therefore was an attempt at some kind of self defense of her entire history (And that the scripts, which are not heavy on directions, made a comment about the validity of her sincerity there) and it’s just??? Not a good comparison??? which pretty much only serves to make her look bad. 

I’m developing a sincere complex over this. 

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I fear that by saying this I will jinx it, however, I have found an overabundance of neat folks on Tumblr which pleases me to no end. Of course, there will always be trash incarnate resting their grubby little hands on this site, but it seems I’ve mostly managed to avoid them which is nice. =•)

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if you make pugsley and wednesday too afraid to tell morticia about wanting to try new things and break out of the addams mold you have fundamentally failed to write morticia and have just written a scary angry lady in a black dress

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