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drxwsyni · 4 years

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Tell Me What You’re Thinking (pt.1/2)

Yandere merman!Shinsou Hitoshi x gn!Reader

Summary: Studying abroad on a remote tropical island, a life threatening event prompts a certain merman to come to your rescue. Coincidence or not, the meeting results in his intentions being set in stone.

All characters are aged up (18+).

Warnings for this part: drowning, injury, swearing, suggestions of poor parenting

Words: 6.8k+

a/n: This fic is my entry for @bnhabookclub‘s Mermay event! It’s not my usual style but I tried my best―definitely need to practice different au’s. For context Shinsou can still use his quirk, he’s just also a merman at the same time. That and he’s a soft yandere for the most part. Hope you enjoy!

Prompts: 13. “It’s all right. Come here.” 7. “It’s really not that complicated (used in the second part).”

_____

The path of least resistance proved to be quite useful in the recent years.

It wouldn’t be your first option under ideal circumstances, but such a thing wasn’t currently present in your life anyways. Occasionally it would grace your day to day living, but for the most part passing occurrences tended to be on the less enjoyable side.

Whether you should be grateful or not was beyond you, but in this unchanging routine you managed to grow accustomed to things. It lead you into a complacency of sorts―not preferring it in any manner, but still having the understanding that sometimes it was easier to let the world dictate your actions for you.

And right now, this complacency had earned you the opportunity for travel.

Specifically, an offer to study abroad to work on a take home final for your university class. Four weeks on a remote tropical island with your fellow students and accompanying professors. Done with intentions to gather otherwise unobtainable first-hand experience and, more importantly, data that would significantly improve your final grade―only if you managed your time wisely.

The opportunity was impossible to pass up.

You weren’t the biggest fan of flying, or boating―really anything that had you leaving the comfort of land. But as usual these bothers weren’t considered when you were being so heavily advised to pack your things and take advantage of the ‘once in a lifetime opportunity.’

Sometimes you tried making an attempt to discern what warranted such treatment being placed upon you. Not once could you seem to recall any one event that may have ended with the conclusion that it was acceptable for you to be handled in such a manner. To have your limits disregarded so thoughtlessly.

Maybe it was because the limits in question were more so mental in nature. They weren’t outwardly observable, and so it made it acceptable.

Of course, you knew that wasn’t the truth.

But with this perhaps you could catch a break from the pressures of your loved ones. If you did well enough in your studies, they might just tone down their expectations enough to give you the room to decide something for yourself.

It was settled―you would once again take the plunge into semi-uncertainty. Mostly for the sake of others, and only marginally to satiate your need for freedom.

You’d been on the island for a little over a week, and in that time you’d managed to scope out the perfect spot for collecting the samples you needed for your paper.

It was secluded―a rocky area that was just slightly raised from the sea level that was home to multiple small ocean pools. They were filled with very particular types of marine life. Ones that you had chosen to focus on after hearing just where you’d be travelling to. In the ecosystem you found yourself in the possibilities for research were quite extensive. There may have been less taxing options, ones that didn’t lead you to the ends of the island all by yourself. But those wouldn’t earn you the validation you desired.

So instead you came to terms with your situation as usual and gathered up your equipment for the journey. Almost every day just an hour after dinner you would head to the rocky expanse of the seemingly endless beach. The weather was comfortable, a light breeze to stave off the heat with the sun not close enough to the horizon for it to be getting too dark, but low enough to begin emitting the intricate display of warm coloured clouds drifting slowly above.

In the moments where you simply sat and took in your surroundings, the thought came to mind that perhaps you would be able to focus on something that wasn’t directly related to the pressure you were under to succeed. If these were the conditions, the clarity that came along with relaxation might be possible.

For now however, you needed to be focused on what you truly came here for.

It was roughly quarter after six in the evening. You had set your backpack down on a rock that was raised above the pools of water and used the rest of the free surface as a makeshift table. On it you placed a clean sample jar with the lid popped off in wait for the contents that you were currently fishing around for.

If there was one thing being pressured into studying was good for, it was having the image of what you were looking for committed to memory.

It was nothing special, just a remnant of the marine life that took up residence in the little pools you were currently crouched in front of. You carefully extracted the sample out of the water, placing it in the little container.

Part of you should be proud of what you were doing. University classes weren’t always the easiest. Your course was just as difficult as any other―disregarding the fact that you probably wouldn’t have gone into it if it weren’t for the ‘advice’ of your family. The research you were currently conducting was more than satisfactory.

Yet, as you looked at the now filled sample container, part of you couldn’t help but want to accomplish more. You didn’t need to―your pace so far was good for what you were trying to get done in the time you were given on the island. But it was second nature to want to perform above satisfactory expectations.

You knew that the area you were in was home to a certain species of coral that would greatly improve the chances of you earning a better GPA. Based on where you were, it would take a small swim just off the shoreline to reach its natural habitat.

Doing a cost-benefit analysis, you decided that it was worth the brief struggle. It was likely that the coral wouldn’t be too far underwater, meaning you wouldn’t require any special diving equipment. You were already wearing a bathing suit, and before leaving had packed a belt bag that could be worn underwater should you need to bring any sample collection gear with you while swimming.

Technically, you should be asking for help when it came to something like this. There was a certain danger to it―being in the ocean by yourself. If you knew any better then maybe you would’ve asked for assistance. However, it simply wasn’t in your nature to do so.

There was always a resistance in your mind when you wanted to work with others. An anxiety of sorts. Time and time again had you tried to overcome it, and each instance had you failing. Now was no different.

Your bag was strapped securely to your body, pulled tight so it didn’t shift around too much in the water. Without the ability to force yourself to go back to the cabins and request a second set of hands, there was quite literally nothing holding you back.

The ocean water was startlingly icy as you let it submerge your lower limbs. The feeling wasn’t pleasant, but it was temporary. You’d be quick―collect the sample and then gratefully retreat to the warmth of dry clothes and eventually the soft bed in your assigned room back inland.

Gradually, the frigid liquid crept up your body as you waded forward. Shivering slightly at the sensation, you willed your mind to ignore the uncomfortableness. And thankfully enough, after spending a few minutes with the water at neck-level, you became more accustomed to the sensation.

The easy part was over.

Pushing off from the sandy ocean floor underneath, you swam away from the coast. It was only roughly ten or fifteen feet away, but already you were having problems seeing the earth below. The sight was unsettling, to say the least.

What it did mean however was that you should be in the perfect spot where the coral you were hunting for could be found. It wasn’t rare or anything―you should be able to see it no problem. But you had to go underwater first before that was possible.

For a moment you hesitated. You weren’t exactly afraid of the ocean, but the concept of such a vast unexplored space wasn’t exactly comforting. Sure, you weren’t in any sort of area that was frighteningly undiscovered, but the thought that such a thing did exist didn’t help in calming your nerves.

But you digress―the take home final was more important than any passing worries over your predicament.

The feeling of being so completely engulfed in the water sent a shock through your system. So much so that you had to resurface for a few seconds to get your bearings. Once you’d settled down once again, you plunged yourself underneath the water. Only after a second or two of swimming further below the surface and you had come face to face with your target. You went back up for a breath and to extract a sample bottle from your bag.

It was then you took notice of the particularly strong winds that had picked up since you entered the ocean.

They wouldn’t have been a problem if it weren’t for the waves it was forming under its influence. Small at first, but in the distance you could see them forming as well. Meaning that by the time they reached your position they would be bigger―much bigger.

But they were still far away. You had time.

With a little more haste you maneuvered yourself under the water until you were able to grasp the cluster of raised rock littered with marine plant life to steady yourself. Holding your breath, you tried working the coral off its hinges with a gloved hand.

It would seem coral was much stronger than you once thought.

The sturdy and jagged material was proving difficult to remove from the rocks it stuck to, and you were running out of air. The concept of having to make more than one trip under the surface wasn’t ideal, but your lung capacity wouldn’t support otherwise.

With rushed movements you emerged from the water, sucking in deep breaths of relieving oxygen.

But that was short lived.

It would seem the waves were moving faster than initially perceived. Now they were forceful enough that one sent you plummeting back under the salt water.

You couldn’t make heads or tails of which direction you were facing. The current of the waves was jostling your body in every way imaginable. Limbs flailing, you tried desperately to steady yourself. Yet you were no match for the strength of the ocean, and there was nothing in reach to hold on to.

For a moment of brief reprieve you were pulled back above the violent waves. Lungs already slightly filled with water, you sputtered into a coughing fit. Your eyes were frantic as they searched the shoreline, but there was nobody to help you.

If only you weren’t cowardly enough to have gone back and requested assistance in your now failed expedition.

Another wave collided harshly against your body, this time with much more power. It caught you off guard and in the middle of gasping for air. The final half of your breath was cut short, oxygen replaced with the frigid ocean water.

It burned. Your lungs couldn’t handle the intrusion, reflexively demanding another response of inhalation. If it weren’t for the already present liquid, tears would’ve been seen running heavily down your cheeks.

You couldn’t breath.

The current made you sway violently, pushing you deeper into the depths. Finally you collided with something, but the relief was short lived.

Sure, you were able to steady yourself, but now there was a more pressing issue.

A loose strap that was meant to tighten your belt bag had been caught on the jagged edges of the rock. Somehow tangled or wedged between the surface―it held you down under the crashing waves above.

The effects of the storm was causing your limbs to scrape painfully against the rock and coral with each sway of the current. Your lungs were filled, heart pounding against your ribcage.

Was this how you died?

Your mind was racing with a slew of thoughts all pertaining to potential escape plans.

But there were none. You couldn’t free yourself, and even if you did the storm would only pull you back under.

You choked aggressively on the water, body unnaturally convulsing. Black spots were forming in your vision as you registered that there was nothing stopping you from losing consciousness.

In a last ditch effort you tried pulling at the buckle that was holding the bag to your chest. Your luck only got worse―it was somehow stuck and would not unlatch.

Your last moments of struggling were futile. No matter what you did, or how hard you fought, you were going to drown.

As your mind slowly drifted into unconsciousness, your eyes just barely registered the thrashing waters around you. And yet, just before you succumbed to the darkness, you could’ve sworn something in the water caught the light, almost reflecting it. Whatever it was, it seemed to be quite large.

But that’s all you could comprehend―body going limp, along with your ability to stay awake any longer.

_____

The feeling of a hard surface underneath you was the first thing your brain identified. After your eyes opened, it was the sensation of some form of fleece blanketing your body.

You could still smell the ocean―hear it too. A sharp pain shot through your neck and spine as you forced yourself into a sitting position.

A cave.

There were no exits, at least not ones you could get to on foot. But you could swim.

To your right was a pool of water, and just vaguely you could see light shining through an underwater tunnel. Even then it was just barely there, meaning it had been quite some time since you blacked out, the sun likely setting for the night.

Oh right...you drowned.

The memories came flooding back. You ripped off the blanket, revealing an almost even more shocking sight. Your limbs, mainly your legs and a few patches on your arms, had been wrapped and padded with...seaweed?

That was most definitely not on your body before. Arriving fully to attention, a wave of panic came over you.

How did you get here? Why was there seaweed coating parts of your body? And most importantly―how on earth were you not dead?

Experimentally, you reached for a piece of plant life that was stuck to your skin. It was clear someone placed it there, and likely placed you in the cave, but who?

Peeling off the slimy layer revealed some equally alarming information. It wasn’t obvious when it was hidden, but now you could see the rough scrapes and cuts that littered your legs. The wounds didn’t hurt, but they didn’t feel comfortable either. There was some form of slimy substance coating it, which thoroughly grossed you out. In fact, the whole thing grossed you out.

Your body practically acted on its own, fueled by the feeling of disgust and unsettling anxiety. One after the other you ripped the seaweed from your limbs, exposing more gashes and marred flesh under each application.

You had no clue how you ended up in the cave, and if that wasn’t enough to disturb you, someone had put their hands all over your body to encase you in the questionable greenery while you were out.

One thing was for sure―you needed to get the fuck out of here.

Looking around, you figured it was worth giving the cave a once over in case there were any escapes that didn’t involve you blindly swimming through an airless underwater tunnel. And as you scanned the room you found there were still no alternatives. What you did pick up on though was the almost lived in aspect of the cave.

Somehow the stone walls were receded in parts above the water. They were like makeshift shelves, and in the crevices held an array of miscellaneous items. One spot seemed to be designated for various jars and tubs. Some were filled with unrecognizable substances, while others had equally foreign objects floating in semi clear liquid.

Eyes shifting to another display, you landed on a collection of trinkets. Mostly in the form of jewelry―a few rings, necklaces, even what looked to be a fairly expensive watch.

Someone was living here. It was good news. It meant that you should be able to swim out to safety in one breath.

You’d spent enough time taking in your surroundings. It was time to leave and hopefully never have to experience something like this again.

Yet, as you tried standing up, the pain of your injuries seem to catch up with you. To be fair you weren’t expecting it, so you didn’t feel entirely ashamed for falling right back onto the cold and slightly sandy rock. It was almost laughable―how you were foolish enough to land yourself in this predicament.

And in that distracted mindspace you managed to calm your nerves slightly, but it also drew your attention away from the pool of water that you should be plunging into for escape. You didn’t want to wait to find out who brought you here, but it was too late for that now.

Just as you mustered up the strength to pull yourself to the water’s edge, your eyes landed on something moving beneath the rippling surface. Something big.

And it was getting closer.

Frantically, you scrambled back a few feet from whatever was in the body of ocean water. Not a moment later and the thing had made its way to the surface.

It emerged―a man.

No.

There was a tail.

There was...a tail?

“Are you alright?”

And the creature spoke.

Peculiar was an understatement. The top half―its human half―looked normal. The man had deep indigo coloured hair, face sporting some impressive eye-bags. His voice sounded human enough―on the lower side but nonetheless indisputably ordinary.

However from what you could see from your position, the lower part of his body was entirely inhuman. Straight out of a mythology book―he had a long, scaly looking fish tail that was coloured the same as his hair―except it was shimmery, maybe even iridescent.

What on earth were you supposed to say in a situation like this?

He must’ve caught on to your speechlessness, judging the unmoving expression of shock on your face. “I found you trapped underneath the current. Your bag was tangled in some coral so I had to cut you out of it.”

Looking down, you saw that he was correct―your belt bag was missing.

Apparently he wasn’t done with his speech, “I brought you back here to take care of your injuries but―why did you remove the bandages?” You watched as his confused eyes scanned your form, taking in the exposed cuts and bruises that painted your delicate skin.

You said the first thing that came to mind. “Where am I?”

Without missing a beat, he responded. “My home. Why did you remove the bandages?”

...Is that really what he’s worried about right now?

Forming words proved to be a difficult task when you were suffering from a shock to your once perceived reality. Surely you were dreaming. There was no way a fish...man, was talking to you right now. Right?

“I just―I didn’t know what it was. So I...took it off?” You were hoping that you’d wake up any moment now. But as time drew on that wish seemed to grow less likely to come true.

Reality didn’t matter―you needed to know. “Are you like a...mermaid, or something?”

Eyebrows slightly furrowed in what looked to be annoyance, the man responded. “Merman, actually.”

It was like this was just another regular occurrence for the merman. He acted completely unfazed by you discovering his existence, whether he felt different about it mentally or not.

“Okay, so why didn’t you just bring me back to the shore?” You prided yourself in not stuttering over your words despite your brain doing mental gymnastics trying to comprehend the situation.

He shifted in the water a bit, resting his hands on the stone where the water and dry earth met. “You were bleeding too much. If I brought you back to the beach you may have died from it. And even if you didn’t the storm was too rough―you would’ve been swept back out into the ocean.”

The events were discussed so matter-of-factly that it disregarded just how much danger you were in. It baffled you how he managed to stop the bleeding. Actually, you weren’t even sure where the bleeding would’ve been coming from. Looking over your wounds, none of them seemed to go deep enough to require such attention. If anything, they looked quite healthy―healed even.

Now that you didn’t need to be so wrapped up in the concern over your physical state, the gravity of the situation came falling down upon you. This complete stranger of a creature had dragged you to who knows where, and as far as you could tell getting out might just be impossible.

The colour effectively drained from your face.

It just so happened that the merman would continue to be perceptive to your reactions. “I was just waiting for you to wake up so I could bring you back. You’re safe here, I promise.”

His words brought untold relief to your anxieties, yet you still needed a little more reassurance. “That’s good. So you’re not gonna, like―”

“What, eat you?” He gave a half-hearted chuckle at the thought, “I’m not a monster. And even if I did want to don’t you think I would've done it already?”

It wasn’t what you were going to ask, but realistically your intentions on the subject didn’t matter all that much in the moment.

The indigo haired man sighed, likely expecting a response. “Look, I just wanted to help you. That’s it.”

Help you. That wasn’t something you were normally accustomed to.

You had problems asking for assistance on your own, and even if you wanted to there was never really many who would be willing to indulge you.

The sentiment he offered was nice. Even nicer was that it wasn’t just an offer―he already had helped you. He’d saved your life. It was more than anyone else had done for you throughout your many years of living.

It was nice, to say the least.

But you still needed to get back to the beach. “So, are you gonna help me get out of here now? Cause I don’t exactly know where that exit leads to…”

He smiled slightly, the most positive emotion you’d seen him express since emerging from the depths. “Of course, I did say I would after all.”

Your eyes followed his hand as it outstretched towards you. The first reaction you had was to automatically take it, but you stopped halfway through the motion when you registered his physique.

He had claws.

They weren’t long, but they were for sure sharp looking. You hesitated in your advance.

“It’s all right. Come here.” He gestured to you to approach, but still you wavered. “I won’t hurt you, little human.”

Not that you weren’t still wary of the dangerous looking appendages, but you didn’t exactly have a choice. He was your ticket out of the cave after all.

Without a word you took his hand. He gently guided you to the edge of the water, supporting your weight as you clambered into the ocean pool.

There were still small waves entering from the mouth of the cave, a weak current lightly hitting your body. It was enough to wash away whatever substance the merman had applied to your injuries. Now that they were clean, you could see just how much they’d healed in the short amount of time.

You could think about how that was even possible when you were back on land.

When the man spoke again it startled you slightly, him being so close. “The tunnel is long. I’m afraid that even if I swim fast you’ll still run out of air before we break the surface.”

The statement made you panic a little, eyes going wide.

He continued before you could give your take. “I’ll have to give you some air halfway through, just let me know when you need a breath and everything should be okay.” The merman pulled you into his chest as he spoke, one arm wrapped around your waist while the other gripped your upper arm.

“Wait―how are you even gonna do that?” As far as you could tell he wasn’t carrying an oxygen tank or anything of the sort.

Looking down at you with a slight smirk on his face, he responded. “You trust me, right? I’m not going to let you drown, don’t worry.”

That didn’t really answer your question, but he wasn’t done. “And I’m your only way out of here so does it really matter? That is unless you want to stay here with me forever.”

Frankly, you had no clue what he meant by ‘giving you air,’ but he was right―how he kept you alive wasn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things. Before you could make a point to push your concerns he pulled the two of you underwater. You thanked the heavens you were able to fill your lungs with air the second before you were submerged, inwardly cursing the man for not giving you a heads up.

Your body was flushed to his, and as he swam you could appreciate the robustness of his frame. It was impressive, and if it weren’t for the stress of the situation you may have liked to take more time to admire it.

It was hard to keep your eyes open as the water rushed past you. That was indication enough of just how fast you were going, and you realized just how screwed you would’ve been if you had tried to make your way out of the cave by yourself. If you didn’t drown before, making that attempt would surely do the trick.

The two of you were roughly twenty seconds into the swim when you felt the burning in your lungs start to become unbearable. Without knowing what his methods of relief were, you held out as long as possible without asking for help. Yet it was only a few more seconds and your body was practically screaming at you to breath.

He didn’t tell you how to get his attention, so you opted to rapping on his chest with one hand. Thankfully, he stopped his journey towards the exit immediately after you began thrashing in his arms. Still slightly drifting forward in the water as a result of his momentum, he brought your body to be eye level with his. Not a moment too soon and he was pressing his lips firmly against yours, hands gripping the sides of your face to still you. And then you realized―this was how he was going to supply you oxygen.

Your lips parted and a relieving wave of air was forced into your lungs. He pulled away a moment later and you pursed your lips once again to contain the air. You hoped he didn’t see the faint blush on your cheeks as he pulled you back into his chest and continued swimming.

Another twenty seconds and you felt him angle upwards, and much to your relief you felt the water break around you.

Sound finally returned to your ears, having been previously replaced with the muffledness of rushing water. You blinked a few times to clear your eyes, readjusting to your surroundings. The sun was setting now, having lowered much closer to the horizon and casting a whole new set of colours upon the clouds.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” His teasing attitude wasn’t entirely appreciated, but it did help to alleviate the stress of the situation somewhat.

“I guess, not...thanks.” You gave him a small smile to show that you were grateful, given that your own tone was still a little shaky from the strange events that were taking place.

The merman allowed you some space now that he didn’t have to drag your body through the water alongside his. “The beach isn’t too far from here.”

From where you treaded you could see the shore clearly in the distance. You followed him as he began heading in that direction, presumably going at a slower pace seeing as you didn’t exactly have the same swimming capabilities as he did.

While staying above the waterline, the man continued the conversation. “So, I believe that it wouldn’t be too much to ask you to keep quiet about my existence. Not that anyone would believe you anyways, but still―in exchange for saving your life I think it's fair.”

Somehow it took him saying it to remember that you’d forgot to thank him for doing so. Sure, you thanked him for bringing you out of the cave, but that was a requirement if he wanted to free up his home once again. It was a little embarrassing, but you gave yourself some slack as nothing right now was anywhere near a sense of normalcy. “Ah―yeah, I think I can do that.”

He smiled at your sheepish reply, giving you the idea that he picked up on your abashed emotions.

The rest of the journey to the shore was done in silence. He would never go too far ahead of you, and for a moment you wondered why he didn’t just pull you the rest of the way there as well. It would’ve saved more time, but you weren’t exactly in the position to be judging him on his actions given all he’d done for you.

Eventually you reached the mainland, much to your gratification. He helped you up onto the rocks that were jutting out of the waterline―the area that kept the ocean pools you were studying. In fact, he had brought you right up to where your bag was still laid.

Still feeling a little ashamed for how much of a burden you’d been, you gave him one last condolence. “Thanks again. I don’t know how you found me but I’m glad you did. The last thing my parents need is to hear their daughter drowned trying to work on her final.” Awkwardly, you rubbed the back of your neck. It felt like you were oversharing, and at this point you should probably just shut up and head back to the cabins. Yet strangely enough the phenomenon of your realization that such a creature did exist was still very much enticing. You didn’t want to stop talking to him.

He stayed at the edge of the rocks, “It’s no problem. You should go back to wherever you’re staying on the island to rest. It’s getting late anyways.”

His concern was appreciated, but still―a small part of you was sad you would have to part ways with this otherworldly being.

“Ah―right. Um, I was just―”

“I’m Hitoshi, by the way. I’ll be here if you ever need me. Take care, (y/n).”

With that he was pushing off the rocks, and before you could get another word out―if that was even possible―he was already underwater. You saw as the slowly dimming sunlight reflected off his indigo tail, and in a matter of seconds he was so far submerged that his body entirely disappeared.

Well, that wasn’t how you expected your afternoon to go.

You had to take a few minutes to collect your thoughts, mostly consisting of you questioning everything you thought you once knew.

Briefly, you wondered just what people would say if you told them what happened to you. That you got stuck on coral, drowned, and then were rescued by a merman.

They wouldn’t believe you.

Maybe the drowning part, but the rest...not so much.

But even if they did believe you, there was no way you would break your promise to the man. He helped you―saved you. Nobody had ever shown you so much kindness, and it wouldn’t be right to just disregard that for the sake of attention.

Having had your full on adventures for the night, you quickly gathered your previously abandoned belongings. With a bag once again stuffed full of research equipment, you made your way back to the cabins.

And naturally, no matter how much you tried that night, sleep was immensely difficult to achieve. How could it not be―there was now a plethora of things to think about and you couldn’t tell a single soul. Frustrating was an understatement, but it was also kind of nice. The act of compassion the merman―no―Hitoshi, gave you was causing a certain feeling of warmth. It felt comforting.

You recalled his last words, saying he’d be there for you if you needed it. It was likely just a quick send off so he could get out of your way and return home. Yet the sentiment was still appreciated.

Eventually you managed to fall asleep, this time not doing so under the influence of painfully salty ocean water.

_____

Waking up wasn’t the most pleasant―there was a hoarse burning sensation in your lungs. Not that it wasn’t present the day before, but now it would seem that the effects of them being filled with a liquid that they should most definitely not be filled with was taking a toll. Whether it was swelling or simply the after affects of salt remaining in them didn’t really matter.

You popped some pain reliever into your mouth, wincing at the feeling as it slid down your throat.

Regardless of yesterday’s events you still had a schedule to follow. However doing so proved to be a challenge. At each task you were met with you found your thoughts drifting back to the strange encounter. At breakfast, sitting down at a worktable, lunch, editing a portion of your report―everything had you returning to contemplation over Hitoshi at least once.

It was safe to say that you didn’t get as much work done as normal.

The anticipation for the end of the day was unbearable. You had to return to the ocean pools to collect samples you weren’t able to gather yesterday.

Mostly, you had now developed a slight fear of the ocean. How the waves turned so violent while you were swimming was beyond you, but it only proved how unpredictable nature could be.

And you still wanted that piece of coral.

Your sense of self-preservation wasn’t the best. It had never been, really. After time and time again of putting your own needs second it was only natural at this point. Maybe not today, but you were going to try and return to the ocean no matter how much the prospect intimidated you.

Like you’d done for the past week, you assembled the necessary gear for your work and stepped out into the heat. To get to the area you simply had to walk along the beach. It was probably the best part of your day―with nothing to do while you walked you needed only to think.

And right now you were thinking about Hitoshi.

He was handsome―no denying that. Clearly he had a good heart, why else would he save your life after you’d so foolishly gone and put yourself in a situation that could’ve been easily avoided. He wasn’t the most expressive, but you could still tell that he meant well.

Or at least you hoped.

Either way you wouldn’t be forgetting about him anytime soon.

Finally you had arrived at the ocean pools, thankful to be able to rest your feet after the long walk. Looking out onto the ocean caused an involuntary shiver. The weather was warm, but the water that once threatened to kill you wasn’t.

There was no time to stew on harmful thoughts though―you were behind schedule. Disregarding the lingering worry that had settled into your heart, you pulled the bag off your shoulders and began removing its contents.

Almost methodically, you laid out your equipment on the flat expanse of the dry rock. It was important to be neat in your area of study, now being no exception. You were distracted with the meticulous arrangement of research gear, eyes and mind trained on setting it up to perfection.

“How’s the work coming?”

You nearly jumped two feet into the air.

In fact, you knocked over a petri dish as your body jolted from sudden noise behind you, it sounding off with a light splash as it landed in a nearby pool. Your head whipped around in the direction of the voice.

If your mind didn’t register the owner of it by sound, it would visually.

And there Hitoshi was, in his still unbelievable merman glory. He was propped up on his elbows, casually resting against the rock.

You breathed a sigh of relief, having come down from a brief adrenaline induced high. “Jesus―you can’t just sneak up on people like that. And it's going fine, I guess.” You bent over to pick up the piece of equipment, now having to disinfect it for later use. His sudden presence still had you a bit tense, and you warily eyed his form.

“Are you afraid of me?”

The question caught you off guard―clearly you looked a lot more nervous than you thought.

Of course you weren’t afraid of him. Maybe you felt a little awkward, given the vast difference between you two, but certainly not afraid.

“No, you just startled me a little. And the ocean’s still got me kinda freaked out, so…” You waved lazily with one hand in the general direction of the body of water as you spoke, returning to the task at hand.

You heard the water around him splash slightly, “Well, you can relax. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. Actually…” Looking in his direction, you saw him reach below the surface of the water. “...I’ve got something for you. Here.”

In his right hand Hitoshi produced one of your plastic sample bottles. Inside of it was the frustrating piece of coral you were trying to pry off the rock before meeting your demise yesterday.

Your eyes blew wide at the sight―of course he could’ve gotten it so easily. He’s a goddamn fish after all. But there was one thing that didn’t quite add up in your head. “How did you know that’s what I was looking for?”

He looked at the jar before returning his unperturbed gaze back to you. “I, uh…” Just barely, you could pick up on an almost abashed look across his face. “I was sort of...watching you. That sounds creepy, I know. It was when you went in the water―not a lot of people come to this part of the island so I wasn’t exactly expecting visitors.”

Now it made sense. “Oh, well if that’s the case then I guess I was lucky. You might not have found me if I got stuck on the more populated area of the beach.” It was practically a blessing that you came across the area―you might have been dead if not.

Standing up from your position, you walked over to the break in rock and ocean where the merman was stationed. You sat down next to him, “Thanks for this, Hitoshi.” You took the bottle from his extended hand. “I really need it if I want to do good on my final. And I probably would’ve tried going back out there sooner or later for it.” You laughed a bit at your own statement, knowing how bad of an idea it was, but still finding the humour in your lack of survival instinct.

He didn’t seem as amused, “You’re telling me you would’ve risked your life just for a piece of coral?”

At that you smiled, “It’s not just a piece of coral. I mean―it’s not rare or anything, but it’s relevant to what I’m studying. So yes, chances are I would’ve.”

Hitoshi shook his head, lips slightly upturned at your behaviour now as well. “It’s a good thing I’m here then. Can’t say I’d be so inclined to let you out of my home if I found you half-dead again. For your own sake, of course.”

You rolled your eyes. But really, you were grateful for him. “Seriously, this means a lot.” Forming your next words was difficult, given that you didn’t want to sound too much like a loser, but they needed to be genuine. “I don’t get a lot of help when it comes to stuff like this. I’m not the best at asking for it either. It’s just―you’ve done so much for me...I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to repaying you.”

There was a moment of silence, and your heart sunk a little thinking that you’d said too much.

“Why don’t you start with telling me about yourself.”

That only confused you more.

“You want to know more about me?”

The toothy grin he gave as he laughed a bit at your response wasn’t expected, but it did help ease the tensions. “Yes, little human. I don’t get to talk to many of my own kind, let alone yours. And as you said, you need to repay me so technically you don’t have a choice.”

His condescending pet name didn’t go unnoticed, but you’d let it slide―he had done more than enough to earn the right to a little teasing.

You have a half-hearted shrug. “Okay then, what is it you want to know fish boy?”

Now things could finally start getting interesting.

#bnhabookclub #yandere bnha #yandere shinsou hitoshi #yandere shinsou #yandere mha #yandere my hero academia #yandere #mermay #yandere x you

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danideservedbetter · 3 years

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Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #health and wellness #writing challenge

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ashlip-arts · 4 years

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1. If waking up is the only thing you can do, worry not.

Do not feel sorry if you’re feeling lazy today or you don't feel like accomplishing anything, there’s still tomorrow. And in today's time, what matters more is you wake up because it's a sign that God has given you another shot in life. You have your own pace to do everything you need as long as there’s a goal in your mind.

2. People will come into your life unexpectedly.

Some people will drop by your life and will make a big impact on your life. They may be people who are strangers to you, but as the quarantine extends for a few more months, they become someone who'll make you smile. You shared the ups and downs of each other's lives, the incomparable laughter shared, and for once, once this is all over, you decided to meet up and that’s okay. Cherish the moments and experiences throughout your journey with every person because someday, in those ordinary days of your life, you'll remember the people who gave you so much lesson and made you grow as a person.

3. Personal health must come first before academics.

Never pressure yourself to complete your academic requirements. Education is important, but so does health, and whenever you feel like doing nothing and you’re feeling off, you can stop what you’re doing. I know time is very precious, but for once, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that it's okay to calm down and relax.

4. Your family will always be your strongest companions.

Nothing in the world can replace your family, even though sometimes it doesn’t have your best interest in mind. There will be times when you guys are untiringly arguing about the little things, but you have to believe that it’s normal for family members to argue sometimes. And trust me, that won't change the fact that they still want the best for you and will be supporting you no matter what. They still love you even though you're being too hard on yourself and you're having a hard time loving your entirety. Even though your family can hurt you in a way no one else can, but during struggles, you can always count on them to nourish you and bring out the best in you, again.

5. Give time to hone God-give talents.

We are all naturally gifted, and during this period in time, we should also give time to our skills because it’s a wonderful thing to do. Play musical instruments, cover a song, do some artworks, cook for yourself, and even for your loved ones, sing like there’s no tomorrow. You have all the time in the world to hone your skills and to perfect them. Stop comparing your talent to others, as we all have our unique aspects as a person. Never look for validation of others and let them tell you what they like and what they don't. What matters the most is you love what you're doing and you're giving your all to the passion of doing what you love to do. It will all be enough, just enjoy things and keep on getting better every day.

6. Pain might not what we want, but it is something we need.

Sometimes life gives you so much pain that you barely hold on and it makes you feel very vulnerable and there will be times that you just wish to end the void of losing someone, a friend, a relative, or maybe yourself. The time you feel that the entire world is on your shoulder, continuously crushing and pushing you to the edge of giving up. But dear, that madness, the pain, will only make you stronger than before, it will bring out a better version of yourself. It will teach you so much and you'll barely know it. Take a deep breath because every person has their struggles and everyone has their strategy to deal with it But dear,Rule of parallelismCrushing and pushing you to the edge— and so are you . Time passes by and the pain will eventually stop, so hold on. Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey.

7. Time is a big factor in life.

Have the wounds healed and the scars of yesterday's struggles have now become unnoticeable? After the encounters of everything that broke you in the past, the people who hurt you and left a scar on you, suddenly you begin to see a better version of yourself and you feel so much better than before. Even though some scars are still visible, it's fine. Remember, warriors got wounded in battles. The scars will be reminders of his bravery and fortitude. Time may not undo the things that broke you, but it also reminds us to heal not for them, but ourselves.

8. Taking care of yourself must become your priority.

During this quarantine period, taking good care of yourself is a must. No one else can do the relaxing for you. Have fun with those little things you do in your bed at 3 in the morning, sing along while your favorite OPM song is playing, take your time in the shower, or maybe try cooking something you saw on the internet, or maybe your favorite dish. Enjoy being yourself at your home. But as much as there's leisure time, never forget to work out as exercising makes your body look better and will help your immune system to be stronger. Get enough sleep and always stay hydrated.

9. Prayer is powerful.

Filipinos are culturally religious and one part of that is praying. Filipinos are known to be prayer warriors. And during the hard times like this, we always come to Him, to lean on to Him and believe that He's in control of everything that's happening. Praying also is a way to communicate with Him, and talking to Him will give you a lighter heart, and the belief that you'll overcome everything will be existent. Individuals seek His guidance amidst the crisis, asking to save everyone who is infected, the medical experts, the victims, the Filipino people, the entire world. Maybe God is not answering right now, but believe that He, always, has a plan. Believe that He's in control of everything and things will get better in time.

10. Anxiety and crying are normal.

Everyone breaks down and cries, just for various reasons. But during this time, the anxious feeling and the urge to cry is common. It won’t make you less of a person if you cry. It’s alright to break down sometimes. It's not a sin to feel sad and feel like the world turned its back on you. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, it doesn't mean that you're weak. Crying won't make you less strong. Letting those tears fall down your face is helpful to ease the pain and the burden you're feeling because life may be unfair to you or your order online just got canceled. Always believe that it's fine to be sad. Sadness is temporary, it is a normal feeling. You may feel like you failed, but hey, you did not, you learned.

11. Boredom will never be an excuse to hurt yourself again.

We are in the quarantine period and of course, everyone is bored and so is your ex-lover. Just focus on yourself and think that he's part of the past now. Move forward in life and see the great things that lie ahead of you. As the famous quote says, "There's a lot of fish in the sea". And you don't have to worry about love. Love is everywhere, and love doesn't need to be a romantic kind of love. If a person cares about you and loves you for who you are, they will want you to grow, be successful, help you become a better version of yourself while you guys are making what you have grown. Know that in the end, the world will always find a way for you to meet the perfect person at the perfect time. Just trust God's timings. Breakups might be stressful and might damage you so much, but someone will come to help you always remember your worth.

12. Pessimism and stress must not be entertained.

Although life is full of drama, it will continue to happen and the only choice we have in life is to never stop living because we have only one life. We only have one precious chance to live our life to the fullest. And stress must nowhere to be found in that single opportunity. Enjoy every little thing you do and figure out the things you love the most. Always look at the positive side of life.

13. Love yourself more than you love anyone.

My mother always reminds me to not lower my standard to anyone, especially in love, because in this world, there this one person who will do everything to love you and while waiting, love yourself more, so that if that person comes, you know how to act maturely and how to reciprocate the love your partner will give you. Love your flaws and embrace your insecurities because thinking about them will just eat up too much of our time and will fill our minds with negative thoughts. But those things don't define us, it will never summarize our entirety. Instead, turn your weakness into a strength so that no one will use it against you.

14. The past doesn’t define who you are in the future.

Mistakes are lessons in life that will make you become a better person. If you’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past, it doesn’t make you less of a person. Although our past reminds us of who we were before and the people who we have been, use that to fuel you and prove that what you've done, doesn't count on what you'll become. You are the ruler of yourself, you are the vase of your garden, so take care of your flowers and let your flower blooms beautifully through positivity and love.

15. Your dreams are always reachable no matter what's going on.

Never give up on your dreams, It’s your ticket that will bring you to places, freeing you from the shackles of impossibility. Look at yourself in the mirror and let go of what's holding you back because you can reach for whatever you're looking up to. Never lose your ability to dream. Be like Peter Pan - he who never held back because your dreams can come true and life will be as colorful as Neverland.

16. Prevention is better than cure.

We often overlook the fact that we could have prevented this pandemic if we have taken necessary precautionary measures. If we help prevent something bad to happen, we won't be needing a lot of time to figure out how to solve things. But as much as we prevent these things from happening, there will be times that God will test us. It might not be what we want to happen, but His plans will always be better than ours.

17. We take a lot of things for granted.

The dusted books in your bookshelf are now being read. The clothes and the pajamas you haven't worn before are now covering your skin almost twice every week. Yes, we take a lot of things for granted. But as much as the personal stuff we have in the corners of our rooms, there are more out there that we often overlook but are now crucial in this period. What I'm talking about are our front liners. Those are the people in the groceries, the janitors, nurses and doctors, health workers. Admit it, at some point in our lives, we have taken them for granted, but this pandemic changed our perspective in what they can do. After this tough time, never forget to thank them and always value what they can do for others.

18. Home is and will always be the safest place on earth.

We often time hear the government says stay in our homes, to not go out if it is not essential. As much as we want to go outside, being behind closed doors will always be the best option. Our homes are the safest and best place. Home is our heart’s sanctuary, but also, it helps us grow and foster.

19. This pandemic brings out the best and the worst in all of us.

Some of us discovered how to cook, some of us got into better shape. Unfortunately, a lot of people lost their jobs and worse, someone might have lost a loved one due to COVID-19. In this trying time, let’s do our fair share to end this pandemic. This time made us find ourselves more, but let us not forget those who just lost a part of their life. This might be a tough time for us, but let us always remember to look at the silver linings in everything that's happening.

20. There's no problem that we cannot surpass.

No dilemma in life can stay forever in our lives. We are definitely in the toughest times of our lives, but let's keep on holding on and believe that this, too, shall pass. There's no mountain we cannot climb and there's more to life than being sad. Learn to believe that we can overcome what's happening and know that you are not alone in this battle. Your family, friends, and most especially, the Lord will never turn their backs on us. . Know that any problem that we encounter, we can always find a way to overcome it and it will help us have a better perspective in life.

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karenjell-blog · 4 years

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MY SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL REALIZATIONS "Learned through heart, not just by bookish mind" Hi! I will introduce my name first, I am Karen Jell Opeña Purugganan, 17 years old stunner. Grade 12 Humanities and Social Sciences (HUMSS) student from Cauayan City National High School (Main) I just want to share to you my experience of being a Senior High School student. When I was a Grade 10 student, I'm so excited to enter the senior high school life because I thought It was fun. Then, when I entered senior high I felt something strange because I encountered new faces of teachers, classmate, new subjects and also new environment and and yes, IT WAS REALLY FUN! Being a senior high student it made me realized a lot of things. I realized that time is very vital because this will measure your punctuality and how you manage your time. Also being a flexible student, this level will measure how long your patient is, they will assigned you to do lot of homework and simultaneous requirements to practice your. Also you should apply a discipline to yourself because having a good record is a must! I'm gonna tell you also my heavy realization of being senior high school student that made an impact to me. First, this is the stage where you can say your friends aren't really your friends, because you may learn how to interact with your classmate that has some negative attitude. Second, you'll meet some temporary and even lifetime friends whom you can share your stress with. Third, crying at 3 am experiencing mental breakdown trying to finish school works and requirements. Fourth, I realized that I should adjust my learning style and then change. Don't just memorize, but familiarize. Fifth, suprise quizes will slap you, so that you should concentrate to the lessons every single of time because this will definitely show if you are learning from minutes of discussion. Sixth, readings, readings and readings again and again. You should learn to read a lot of article for you to enable to stock some knowldge that will help you soon. Seventh, We do not see someone else as our rival, I never compete to my classmates but rather, it is a battle between me and myself. I beleive that it is a battle of me with my studies. Will I finish it or Will it finish me? Eighth, back then I believed that high grades matters A LOT. That I'm getting disappointed and ashamed of myself when I got low grade or score because failing academically doesn't literally just mean 'failing as a student' but rather, it is failing as a daughter, failing as a former achiever, and failing as a human being who was once receiving medals but now depressed and looking down on herself. But now I know that, that kind of mindset will never be helpful because now I realized that grades won't literally measure your intellect, but it does measure your perseverance and sense of responsibility. I admit that it is hard, it was far to what I exepected, I never thought that senior high school life will be my number 1 stressor. For me, this stage is full of struggles and conflict but I know to myself that it is part of being a student. It's our responsibility to do the things that we need to do. We should be thankful that we are challenged because of that we can prove to ourselves that we are good enough. We all know that being student isn't easy, in fact its hard and challenging but without this challenges I will never learn how to hardwork and give my best and without this challenges I will be nothing in the future. We are mature enough to know how to manage our time and make a solution to our own problem. Now, I still enjoying and exploring my everyday of being a senior high student to know more. Senior High School is like an ocean. It's either you sink or you'll help yourself to swim, it is also actually a challenge to us, It would give you problem and make you stress but always remember that there's no challenge in life that we can't accomplish.

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gg-astrology · 5 years

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Hi!!💕if its not too much, could I know your thoughts on taurus sun & leo moon?

Hey there! 💕💕💕 ofc it’s not too much at all! 💕 I’d be glad to Offer You My Thoughts! 💕

[Below Cut: Taurus Sun - Leo Moon 🍼 ]

Literal babies when it comes to their moods, an eccentric character who lives loves laughs ksdnfjksn (not that cheesy tho)

Even if they fuss over people and try to take care of them, they will strongly appreciate being taken care back as well!

They are determined, almost stubbornly so. But also proud of their achievements and themselves (prideful)

This isn’t a bad thing, it just makes them really cute. They’re the type of people who will hold onto their momentos/trophies and look at others to say ‘hey hey do u see this??? :) i got it!!!’

Sentimental even when they have trouble showing it sometimes, can look at old photographs/memories/scent and just get lost in it (like a time-lapse, ‘ah yes I’ve felt this before’)

They have very vivid memory recall--- like they can probably even tell you the specific action/scent/air around the atmosphere of the event if it touches them emotionally

It’s imprint. Yeah, they get imprinted a lot. Things leaves an impression on them, and then thats why they have ‘perfect’ memories of things that has happened (impressions)

Good story-tellers, often these people are deeply sympathetic to others and always want to help them feel better, become better, do better

They’re the type of people who just has a lot of emotional depth y know? Like these people are so nurturing and giving to people that they often times spend large amount of energy/space trying to keep someone together

Wants to make others happy, but not unrealistically so. They’re not trying to have like-- temporary happiness. They’re trying to instill/teach others how to find long-term happiness WITHIN themselves and bring it outwards

See-- with emotional depth and understanding about themselves, Taurus/Leo natives wants to see this reflected in others as well

Leo Moon is enthusiastic teachers, they’re willing to help and often very happy to do so (’a step in the right direction!!’) they do it wholeheartedly because it endears them that others are also trying to find their own happiness

There’s just something so purely wholesome about Taurus/Leo combination, because despite being quite proud and autonomous themselves. Their self-respect also means allowing others to acknowledge/admire them as well (pointing to their achievements like ‘do u see!!! i did it!!!!’ wanting to share their happiness with others)

They’re a duality here because Taurus is Venus ruled, therefore social relationship is still important to them.

Can get whiny but won’t ever let themselves ‘take it too far’ or become inconvenient to anyone

If anything, they’ll throw themselves dramatically across a table and act out when a situation isn’t so time-sensitive or stressful. They’re more of the type to make others laugh, joke around, than burden them with more stress.

They can get serious however, they are determined individual after all. Material success/wealth helps you feel nurtured, like you’re self-caring. You’ve accomplished something just by having a place where you can run a bubble bath and enjoy your time luxuriating yourself.

On the other hand this combination can also make someone an avid spender on (binging) on things they don’t necessarily need-- they may be slaves to pleasures, or their wants. And often time may go 😩 because hnnnnnnggg they did it again, they played with their heart. Got lost in the game.

‘Wanting validation’ doesn’t in any way indicate that they aren’t confident in themselves. Definitely not at all. These people are sturdy, they’re fixed sign. There’s values in Knowing yourself and Knowing that you have power/value outside of wanting support from others.

They’re needy because 'people’ in general should be cared for, shouldn’t be denied small pleasures, shouldn’t be denied care and nurture from others. Needing people is a part of human connection, it’s a way to connect to others, to feel like they’re helping others and offering their services elsewhere.

They also have strength/confidence in themselves to pull through and concentrate, to achieve their goals/dreams. And they want others to achieve that too, to have a positive mind-set, attitude. A can-do environment where everyone shines in their own way, and together they come to share joy/positivity.

Verification from others is a social sphere, a fortunate thing to have and feel blessed by-- to them. These people who can bask in achievements together, who is happy for you, who you are happy to help back. They don’t need help/support when it comes to achieving something, they want help/support just for the sake of intimacy/care.

Watch--however, that you may tend to be very uncompromising and inflexible. Compromising doesn’t mean tolerance and generosity, people don’t need that from you. Compromising means being willing and available to change your ways/plans and be flexible to others.

When you set your minds/eyes on something--- it’s impossible for you to compromise. Or rather, it’s near impossible for others to get you to compromise. Only you can do that yourself, and to do this you have to keep an open-mind.

I know you’re worried/frustrated about things getting messy and screwed up and possibly not working (as opposed to your plans that you’ve already worked out-- and deduced that through your own power and strength, you can accomplish it) but you have to learn how to do team-work.

See this segregation between friend-people being personal people (people outside of work) and work-people listening to you/giving you commanding rights and power will only serve to make you lose people.

For someone who strives to see the social accomplishments and strong relationships with others, you may have to confront your issue with handing out power or trusting other people’s methods to be just as successful as yours.

You may be self-confident to an extent, but you’re unwilling to see the values/give the benefit of the doubt to other people’s power and accomplishment too.

Learn how to take a deep breath and be subordinate to someone just for a trail run. A friend maybe? Help them out with a long-term project by offering to let them command you. You’ll need evidence/demonstration that their way is a good way, and can achieve many things that you might’ve missed with your methods.

And to do this, putting yourself through the experience of giving power to someone else to command you around may help you.

You need to learn how to respect other’s power/methods-- and equalize the relationship. Your relationship needs to be equal in the work place/class environments, and since you’re a rather personal person-- being impersonal in the work place/classroom without healthy respect for your co-workers/classmates is only going to make it harder for everyone including yourself.

You will flourish best, when you learn how to be the true leader Leo deserves. Instead of letting your pragmatism and ‘thats not going to work’ rule your heart, try letting change happen when you lose an opportunity for once (maybe it’ll be a good thing)

I hope this is helpful! 💕💕 Thanks for sending this in! 💕

#taurus sun #leo moon #taurus #leo #taurus-leo #anon #asks

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paleorecipecookbook · 5 years

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How to Use Positive Psychology to Improve Your Health

What if it’s chronic anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, or grief? Do those emotions also affect your health? And how can you let go of them?

The short answer is yes—positive or negative, your emotions do impact your health. The good news is that through positive psychology, you can retrain your brain to follow healthier, more beneficial emotional patterns and learn to let go of negative ways of thinking.

Here’s how you can use positive psychology to rewire your brain and improve your mood and your health.

Anger, sadness, frustration, or grief can, if left unchecked, wreak havoc on your health. That’s where positive psychology can help. Check out this article for more about positive psychology and get tips on how to change your thinking. #healthylifestyle #wellness #changeagent

What Positive Psychology Is and What It Can Do for Your Well-Being

Positive psychology is an evidence-based area of psychology famously championed by Martin Seligman. While president of the American Psychological Association, Seligman publicized positive psychology as a way of joining the more clinical, conventional side of psychology—the part that focuses on what’s “wrong” with a patient—with the people-oriented side of the discipline. (1) According to Seligman:

The aim of Positive Psychology is to catalyze a change in psychology from a preoccupation only with repairing the worst things in life to also building the best qualities in life. (2) [emphasis added]

Seligman—and followers of the positive psychology movement—build those qualities through character strengths. Character strengths are patterns of behaving, thinking, and feeling that we all have within us.

Why You Should Know Your Character Strengths

Seligman, together with psychologist Chris Peterson, described 24 different character strengths in their exhaustive work, Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. While the unique combination of character strengths differs from person to person, they can include traits like:

Creativity

Bravery

Fairness

Kindness

Humility

Gratitude

Hope

Zest

And many, many more

Your individual character strengths color how you see the world and how your brain processes new experiences. Understanding your personal strengths can give you a greater sense of authenticity, and using your strengths in your day-to-day life can help you feel more engaged, productive, and positive.

If you’re curious about your character strengths, I recommend taking this free survey from the VIA Institute on Character. If you need help, a health coach trained in positive psychology can assist as you identify your strengths and learn to embrace a more positive mindset.

Why It’s Worth It to Refocus Your Thoughts

Practicing positivity and embracing character strengths—even for a short period of time—have been shown to lessen feelings of depression and increase a sense of happiness. (3) Research also shows that happiness has a positive impact on your overall health and longevity. (4) Positivity has been linked to: (5)

Immune system health

Cardiovascular health

Lower levels of cortisol and a healthy hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal (HPA) axis

Better wound healing

Potentially protective effects on telomeres, the end caps on your DNA that prevent damage during replication

Positive emotions also appear to be connected with a person’s ability to bounce back from a stressful event. Experiencing positivity—even from watching a short, happy film clip, for example—can undo some of the cardiovascular effects associated with stress and anxiety, like increased heart rate and blood pressure. (6) Imagine what long-term positivity could do to improve your body’s resilience.

The Driver behind Positive Psychology: Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity is the ability our brains have to change based on stimuli like thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. The structure of your brain and the synaptic connections between your neurons can grow stronger or weaker based on your habitual patterns. In their book, The Emotional Life of Your Brain, Richard J. Davidson, Ph.D., and Sharon Begley state that neuroplasticity explains why expert violinists show extra development in the brain regions that control dexterity, why cab drivers in London tend to have great spatial memory—and why your thought patterns and emotional habits can affect your health. (7, 8)

Positive psychology builds on that concept by encouraging you to switch your mindset. If you traditionally focus on the problems you’re facing or the things that feel “wrong” in your life, changing this one aspect of the way you interact with the world can make a difference.

Three Small Steps to Rewire Your Brain for Positivity

Sometimes, just taking one small step toward positivity is enough to make a difference in your life. With that in mind, here are three easy techniques you can try out today to change your focus.

1. Choose Your Words Carefully

If you’ve been stuck in a pessimistic pattern for a while, it will start to come out in the way you think and speak. You may tend to frame everything negatively, or you instantly consider what could go wrong in any given situation.

Think about a recent challenge you encountered, remember how you thought and spoke about it, and take a look at the table below. Which column did you fall under? Can you try changing your internal dialogue to a more positive view?

Pessimistic Thinking Optimistic Thinking Your problems are permanent.

“This is always going to be a problem for me.”

Your problems are temporary.

“This will pass.”

Your issues are pervasive.

“This is catastrophic.”

Your problems are local.

“This isn’t the end.”

Your problems are personal.

“It’s all my fault.”

Your problems aren’t personal.

“This is a common problem for many people.”

Your problems are uncontrollable.

“There’s nothing I can do.”

Your problems are at least somewhat controllable.

“One step at a time.”

Changing the way you think isn’t a simple endeavor—but it’s well worth the effort. Mindfulness can help you challenge negative thoughts as they occur to you.

Being mindful means you’re aware of your body, your sensations, your thoughts, and your feelings as they occur. Mindfulness can improve your positive emotions while lessening feelings of negativity or stress. (9) The practice also helps you feel more compassionate—toward others and yourself. (10)

For tips on how to start practicing mindfulness, check out my article “How to Avoid a Near-Life Experience.”

2. Remember Your Past Wins

Positive psychology is a success-focused movement. Instead of thinking about all of the things that could you wrong in your current situation, you focus on what could go right—and you develop a clear plan to help you reach that success.

One of the best ways to do this is by thinking about a past success you enjoyed. It could be a promotion you earned at work, a time you overcame a fear or apprehension, or the last time you felt healthy and fulfilled. With that memory in mind, ask yourself:

What led to your success?

What did you learn?

Who helped you reach your goal?

What resources did you use back then, and can you use them again?

Often times, the same strategies that worked for us in the past can work for us again. Even if your past success doesn’t directly apply to your current situation, giving yourself credit for a time when you overcame obstacles to reach your goal can motivate you to keep trying now.

3. Try a Happiness Intervention

A happiness intervention is a simple writing exercise that can be helpful if you’re struggling with something that’s particularly challenging. It’s a great way to stop negative thoughts from taking over and reorient yourself toward positivity. Here’s how to do it—and be sure to get a pen and paper ready, as you’ll be writing by hand for this.

Think about what your life looks like several years in the future. Imagine yourself as reasonably successful. You’ve accomplished some of your big goals, and your life has improved.

Set a timer for five minutes and write about your future life until your time is up. Don’t worry about grammar, punctuation, or sloppy handwriting. Just get as many details down as possible in the given timeframe.

After you’re done, take a look at what you’ve written. How do you feel now? Did you learn anything about the challenges you’re currently facing? Do you feel motivated to take any small steps now to get to the future you wrote about?

If you enjoyed that happiness intervention, there’s no need to stop there. Try one of these techniques:

Write down three things that went well every day for one week. Be sure to note the reasons they went well too.

Determine your top five signature character strengths. Over the course of a week, try to use each strength in a new way every day. Record your results.

Write a thank-you letter. Take time to express gratitude to a friend or family member who helped you in the past.

The more often you complete a happiness intervention, the more effective it will be for you.

Need Help? Work with a Health Coach

If you’ve given these techniques a try to no avail or you’re fighting against years of negative habits, it may be time to work with a health coach.

A health coach can act as a guide as you learn how to reframe your thoughts and adopt a different mindset. And that mindframe switch can make a huge difference in your health and happiness. That’s why, in the ADAPT Health Coach Training Program, all of our health coach graduates are trained in positive psychology and character strengths.

Even if you’re facing serious negativity, a health coach trained in positive psychology can help reorient you toward a more success-focused conversation.

Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you tried using positive psychology before? Do you plan on implementing any of these tips in your daily life? Leave a comment and let me know!

The post How to Use Positive Psychology to Improve Your Health appeared first on Chris Kresser.

Source: http://chriskresser.com December 05, 2018 at 01:50AM

#paleo #recipe #food #delicious #healthy #yum #diet

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az-valentine · 6 years

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Entry 1: Pennywise [AU]

July 2nd, 2018

In light of recent events – the nature of which I refuse to explain to people who simply couldn't understand – I've been inspired to record a few passages for Humanity to eventually stumble upon. Despite what you may know about me, however little that may be, I assure you, there is far more to me than what meets the eye. You probably know me to be an unpredictable, animalistic Eldritch Abomination that comes crawling out of the darkest pits of your worst nightmares – you are correct. However, I'm far more complicated than that. Yes, I eat flesh and feed on Fear, as it's necessary for my survival. I didn't choose to be this way, it's just how I was created to be.

Outside of that, I'm actually a fan of your classic literature, like Shakespeare, Twain, Poe, and Lovecraft. I also enjoy taking long walks to admire your older European architecture, and your bigger, more lush and diverse botanical gardens. I don't often leave Maine, let alone the Continental United States, but when I do, it's always a treat. My Eldritch Brethren usually don't care much – or at all – about what Humanity has accomplished in its pathetically short time, but I watched your earliest ancestors crawl out of the ancient muds of this planet, and I'm positive I'll watch you all return to the weeds in due time.

My past is better left being known only by those closest to me, and left up for interpretation to everyone else. That being said, I feel strangely obligated to offer you a word of warning – don't end up like the protagonists of most Lovecraft stories. Don't go digging for information you have no business knowing. What you know, and what you think you know about Fear, hardly even scratches the surface of the unnamable terrors that lie beneath and beyond your fragile mental barriers. The depths of Madness are not meant to be explored by Mortal minds, for they were never designed to be capable of handling the journey.

Some have tried, and nearly all have ended up a writhing, unintelligible, gibbering mess before their inevitable, horrific deaths. Some have wound up on that Path without even intending to, and fell victim to similar fates. If there's one thing we have in common, it's our tendency to be curious creatures. I definitely understand the desire to learn about the unknown. I cannot stop you from attempting to uncover lost knowledge and hidden truths, and I can't honestly say I care whether or not you listen to me. However, I still feel compelled to advise against it. Like me, though, you'll do what you please, regardless of the risks.

Moving forward, those of you that know of me know me to be a Shifter, a being that is capable of taking the form of whatever I want. I'm like a Mimic, but far more interesting, and intelligent. I'm also like Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos, except I take no pleasure in gaining legions of followers and spreading Madness. I prefer to be left alone most of the time – to Hunt, eat, sleep, and explore as I choose. Earth isn't the only planet I've been to, but it's definitely one of my favorites. If I wake up during one of my sleep cycles, I'll sometimes take that opportunity to go somewhere new and different, or old and familiar.

I've seen everything from the bustling cities of Tokyo and Arcturus Prime, to the noxious swamps of Beldron 4, the scorching, temple and monolith-spotted deserts of Alkh'tktuuhl, the ravenous raggle-trees of Nillub, and even the turbulent oceans, black forests, and numerous mountain ranges of an unknown terrestrial behemoth, floating aimlessly through the inky depths of Oblivion. One thing most don't know about me, is that Alkh'tkhtuuhl holds a very special place in my Heart. Those that know the reason why, though, I can count on one hand.

Unbeknownst to Humanity, Arcturus Prime is still thriving to this day – and if rumors hold true, the Arcturians eventually want to introduce themselves. Don't worry, they're incredibly friendly. In my experiences with them, they're often a little shy, so don't do anything stupid when they get here. You'll need their help if you want your species to survive, thrive, and save the only planet you currently have to live on. They'll slowly work you into the galactic community, and help you learn how to integrate with other people from other planets, as well as how to survive off of your home world.

Everyone that lives long enough will go through a Great Change at certain points in their lives – this trait is not unique to Humans, or any other Mortal species within the Multiverse, but is present among all sentient Life that has evolved far enough to be capable of experiencing these changes. Even I, the Prince of Fear, have gone through it several times throughout my existence. Indeed, many see me as just a highly intelligent, impossibly powerful beast that's merely good at acting, but I too am a person.

I am not at liberty to speak of my true origins, or what came before, but I do have quite a few stories I'm allowed to tell. For the sake of brevity – I could write an entire series about my life – I will stick to telling only a few tales that I hold near and dear to my Heart. It's not every day a Mortal gets to learn such personal things about an Eldritch Being, let alone directly from them, so consider this a little gift to Humanity. I still take what I need to sustain myself, but who would I be if I didn't give back every now and then?

Don't think of me as just a monster – I may be greater than anything a Human could ever hope to become, and I may have needs that cause a conflict of Morality between us, but it doesn't mean we don't share similarities. I don't know why I feel the need to say it, but just like you, I have my weaknesses. I have sore spots, bad memories, times of self-destruction, and an unhealthy relationship with self-hatred. Oh, yes...I can be as vulnerable as the Mortals whose lives I claim. It's not all bad, though. As I stated earlier, some of my guilty pleasures include literature, architecture, and traveling. I also enjoy attending plays, Broadway shows, and operas. At heart, I am an artist, and someone who appreciates the natural beauty to be found spread out across the Universe.

In fact, for as long as I can remember, I've always taken part in the various cultures' Arts in some way or another. My numerous homes have always had a collection of writings, paintings, and props found in certain visual productions that had struck my fancy. I would occasionally write my own works, such as poetry and prose, plays, and even some music, and then offer it to Yog-Sothoth for his Archives. On top of that, I would often disguise myself as a native of a planet, and audition to play a role in something – not once was I turned down. Who was the best Carmen? Me. The greatest Figaro? Me!

By now, you must be perfectly aware of the sizeable amount of differences between me, and the Being you've always known me to be. There is an explanation for this, yes, but I struggle to believe that you could fully comprehend what I'm about to describe. If I only lay out the basics for you, there's a good chance you'll be able to follow along. I've made mention of the Multiverse, yes? It's bigger, stranger, more complex, and more terrifying than you may have previously believed it to be. Infinities on top of Infinities, spanning in Infinite directions, through every Dimension, and every conceivable and inconceivable possibility happening all at once, at all possible times. It's a lot to take in, and I urge you not to try and understand it completely. It'll just drive you Insane, like many others before you.

Back to the point at hand, though...I am not the same Pennywise you've known, as I'm from a different Universe. Who I am, as well as my Past, Present, and Future, have been and always will be completely different from the version of me you're familiar with. I've mastered the Art of Transcending Time and Space, and am able to move freely between Universes. The conditions of my state of existence, though, must remain a closely guarded secret for the time being. Let's just say that I've made promises I can't afford to break, to someone that makes me look tiny, powerless, and insignificant by comparison.

Perhaps "completely different" was a poor choice of words. If I'm not careful, I'll become the Thing born of your worst nightmares. What's worse? I could get stuck like that, and require another Purification to set me straight. Yes, a Purification...something that all of the Dark and Twisted Souls must be willing to subject themselves to if they wish to enter the Light. Ugh! I shudder to think about going through such a painful experience for a second time. The agony is only temporary, and it melts away into a warm tingle, but it's still horribly unpleasant at first. I won't try to sway you one way or the other, but it was worth it for me. I was fine doing my own thing, and being by myself, but the opportunity was too great to pass up.

I'd rather not get into the details of the situation, but I regained something I'd lost billions of years ago, only because I chose to go through the process of Great Change. I haven't been happy in billions of years, but I am now, and I'm never giving this up. To be perfectly honest, I only went through this change last October, and so I'm still adjusting to this new Way of Life I've chosen. I may or may not have snacked on a child recently...don't look at me like that, I was starving! And without a long sleep to fall back on anymore, I must feed at least once a week now, depending on the size of the person.

I wouldn't worry too much if I were you. I've been targeting only the worst of the worst, so as long as you're not a piece of shit person, one worthy of being scared to the point of shitting yourself and then getting eaten alive, you have nothing to Fear from me. Except maybe the occasional scare for my amusement, and to satisfy my need for Fear.

July 3rd, 2018

This entry has already gotten long, and I'm afraid I've run out of Time to tell you a story. Forgive me, I didn't think my introduction would wind up being so long. I'm afraid I have some bad news...I'm set to depart on a series of Hunts for the next three to seven months, and I'm unsure of when I'll be able to continue. This was sprung upon me at the last minute, and I'm in no position to decline this mission.

Know this, Humanity: I will return, and in no less than excellent health. Chances are, I won't be hungry when I finally make it back. However, don't think for a moment that I won't continue to Hunt the scum of your societies, one by one...both to fulfill my needs for survival, and to make good on my Sacred Oath.

Until next Time,

Pennywise

#fanfic #fanfiction #pennywise #pennywise the dancing clown #pennywise 2017 #alternate universe #au #narrative #eldritch #eldritch thing #literature #crossover #series #part 1 of ?#more to come #cthulhu mythos

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kittenwitchandthebadvibes · 6 years

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Recovery - Self Harm

Several beautiful and brave kittens have messaged me recently asking for advice on self harm, so I wanted to do a post addressing the topic. Your usual post will be up tomorrow instead, and I have put the info behind a read more for those who might find the discussion potentially triggering.

Also a reminder that I try to make myself available on messenger if you need to chat, or need more immediate attention 😺 💖

Be safe, my little pumpkins! I love you and you are doing so well!

CW/TW SELF HARM

Understanding Self Harm and Why It's Hard to Quit

Self Harm is an Addiction

It is important to understand that the urge to self harm does not come from a logical, long-term thinking part of the brain, but from the part of the brain that craves immediate gratification. When we experience pain, the body responds by releasing endorphins, which can provide a temporary high by activating the body's opiate receptors. This reaction is similar to the experience of a drug high, and can become addictive, making the cycle of self harm even harder to break.

Knowing that self harm can be an addiction, be realistic and kind to yourself in your recovery. Quitting cold turkey may be harder than easing off gradually. Just like with quitting smoking, try to find your equivalent of a nicotine patch. Expect and plan for withdrawals, and don't be hard on yourself if you have slip ups.

Self Harm is a Crutch

When a mental illness 'blocks' your ability to feel, self harm can act as a temporary 'lift' to this block. Other things that can cause the brain to release endorphins, such as exercise, impulse buying, eating favourite foods, drug use, etc. can still enable a quick, but temporary, hike in feel-good chemicals even in an unhealthy brain. When this is the only way to feel good, or feel anything at all, a drug-like high can be very tempting.

If you take away your crutch, you will fall down. Plan to replace one crutch with another until you can walk by yourself again; something less destructive, that still gives you similar feelings even if they're still temporary.

Mental Illness Is An Enabler

It is a lot more difficult to reject the urge to self harm when your mental illness is trying to convince you that you aren't worth the effort. Furthermore, it is a lot easier to give in when you feel like you desperately need that quick relief, even when you know you will be upset at yourself afterwards.

If you haven't already, seek professional help to manage your mental illness. Managing the source of your problems is better than managing all of the symptoms.

Self Harm Isn't Just Cutting

Self harm can refer to any behaviour that is intentionally self-sabotaging, and does not necessarily have to include breaking the skin and drawing blood. Other examples of physical self harm might include biting or hitting yourself, or sleep deprivation, starvation, and over exertion. Even an increase in behaviours that may result in harm indirectly, such as reckless driving, walking into traffic, or placing yourself in dangerous places is considered self harm.

Don't allow yourself to replace one form of self harm with another, and don't allow yourself to be convinced that "it's ok, because it's not as bad as cutting". You deserve to be your own ally.

Finding Your Way to Recovery Why do YOU Self Harm?

Try and identify from the list below why you, personally, self harm, and it may be easier to find an appropriate alternative.

There are four main categories that people who self-harm find themselves in:

Needing Release

You might feel overwhelmed by people or situations around you, or by your own emotions. While harming doesn't FIX any of these, it does give you a sense of escape.

Wanting to Feel

You might find yourself in a headspace where you're unable to feel any positive emotions, or any emotions at all. By harming yourself you may be able to bypass that blockage, and you can feel again.

Wanting Control

When things happen around us that we can't control, we might need to find other things in our lives we can. By exerting control over one thing, like our bodies, it can make it feel as if we're still somewhat in control.

Punishment

You might be feeling as if you've done something to deserve being hurt, or maybe you can't think of any other way to call for help. Maybe the people around you aren't taking you seriously when you try to discuss your upset, and you're left feeling like this is the only way you'll find an escape, or get the attention you need.

Alternatives

NOTE: As with any coping mechanism, there are ways to over-use, miss-use or abuse the following activities. Many mental illnesses make us especially vulnerable to risk taking behaviour and devaluing our selves. You are precious and important, and you've already done such a brave thing in seeking a way out of your situation, please take care of yourself while exploring these options. Talk them over with your loved ones or your doctors if you are unsure. Some of these activities are more suitable to your situation than others. Take into account how your mental health might affect your motivation, energy, etc.

Activities that can help you to feel:

- Exercise: Particularly cardiac exercise, exercise also has noted mental and physical health benefits. Running can help to capitalize on the energy in anxiety driven self harm, and a decent work out can also trigger muscle wear which will provide a much healthier sense of pain. Endorphin release is also noted to last much longer after exercise. Be safe, and remember not to over exert yourself.

- Eating: many people seek comfort in food, especially indulgence foods. Chocolate and sweets can provide short bursts of endorphins, but spicy foods can also have the same affect, with potentially longer lasting endorphin rushes. Spicy food registers in the brain as pain, and has the added benefit of speeding up your metabolism. Be conscious of your dietary requirements, and try to avoid over eating; large quantities of any food can make you feel sluggish and unwell, and spices in large amounts can cause gastronomic distress. Placing chili on the lips, even without eating, can cause a burning sensation that is relatively easy to extinguish with milk or creamy foods. But enjoy yourself, food is amazing and you deserve to eat!

- Aromas: Certain scents can trigger endorphin release in some people. As with eating, even the smell of a good meal may help. Food scents, like vanilla, and lavender are the ones most commonly quoted. Consider combining the scents with a warm bath, or into a moisturizer and giving your self a massage. Always read directions for oil use first! @myexplodingcat has a wonderful post here on the many ways to use essential oils here

Activities that give a sense of control:

- Organization/Cleaning: it doesn't matter if it's your whole house or just reorganizing your desktop, many people find great satisfaction from putting things in order. Many also find cleaning or decluttering your space helps brighten moods in general.

- Calorie Counting or Meal Planning

PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT IF YOU SUFFER FROM AN EATING DISORDER OR HAVE FOOD-RELATED SELF HARM ISSUES, THIS MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING CALORIE COUNTING, PLEASE ENSURE YOU DO NOT GO UNDER 1200 CALORIES A DAY. THIS SHOULD NOT BE AN EXERCISE THAT MAKES YOU CRITICAL OF YOUR BODY, YOU ARE PERFECT AND WORTHY IN ANY SHAPE YOU TAKE

Calorie counting does not work for everyone, but it can be an excellent way to ensure you're eating enough, and provides a sense of control over your body. Apps like My Fitness Pal can allow you to set goals and complete daily dairies, as well as check you're getting the right amount of vitamins from your food. It also goes hand in hand with meal planning. For some, being able to plan ahead gives a sense of control, even if you don't end up strictly adhering to it.

- Daily Routines

If you're usually good at sticking to schedules, planning your week or having a daily routine can help you feel in control and accomplished. It could be as simple as arranging a daily chat at the same time each day, or going for walks after dinner.

Activities that give a sense of release or escape:

- Gaming: Any media that helps you escape from reality and successfully distract you can help here, but gaming (as opposed to TV) uses more mental energy and cognitive power, as well as giving you a sense of accomplishment.

- Journaling / Creating: Writing uses a different part of the brain than thinking or talking, and can help with feeling overwhelmed. @tinypaintdrops has a fantastic TedX talk on their experiences with creating artwork in place of self harm, which you can watch here

- Exercise: In addition to being on the list for helping to create endorphins, exercise can help to release built up tension and give the sensation of release. Running or fighting-based exercises, like boxing or martial arts, can be especially helpful.

Punishment-mimickimg alternatives:

- Holding Ice:

A common alternative; holding ice can really hurt. While holding it against an area you would normally harm is usual, even holding onto them with your sensitive finger tips is enough.

- Wrist band flicking:

Another common alternative; the idea is that a really good sharp flick can cause pain without risking serious injury.

- Hugs: If you have someone who gives good back-cracking hugs, this is a good way to mimic pain without actually hurting yourself. Physical contact also encourages oxytocin release, which makes you feel good and helps forge connections.

- Antiseptic: If, despite your best efforts, you have fallen into your old cutting habit, try to stop at one cut and then treat your cut with antiseptic. It will sting and provide further pain, while hopefully minimizing your need for more. While this is obviously not an optimal solution, it makes the best of a bad situation, and gives your cut the best chance at healing. Quitting is hard, and set backs don't mean you've failed. Every cut you don't make is a success.

Others Who Can Help

Based on a past post, Kitten Witch now has a Helpline Tab filled with helplines listed by country (including text based, toll-free, and phone options) if you need further help.

A Big List of People to Help Ensure You Are Safe and Sound (aka "a blop hey ass")

A Reminder

You are not going to recover immediately. It will be slow, and there will be set backs, and that is totally fine. You will be illogical and you will make bad decisions, and that doesn't mean you have failed or that you are unworthy. You are living in a world that doesn't yet understand mental health or know how to help you, and that is not your fault. Slowly, we are equipping each other with the tools that will help you fight this. Bit by bit, and day by day, you are making your world a better place. I am so glad you're choosing to be here. I am so so proud of you. Keep going, you’re going to make it 💖

#mental health #mental illness #recovery #self care #self harm /#tw self harm #self harm tw #kitten witch and the bad vibes #kitten witch #kittenwitchandthebadvibes #kittenwitch #kitten chirps

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dfroza · 3 years

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what is the treasure of your heart?

“But this beautiful treasure is contained in us—cracked pots made of earth and clay—so that the transcendent character of this power will be clearly seen as coming from God and not from us.”

Today’s reading of the Scriptures from the New Testament is the 4th chapter of the Letter of 2nd Corinthians:

Now, it’s because of God’s mercy that we have been entrusted with the privilege of this new covenant ministry. And we will not quit or faint with weariness. We reject every shameful cover-up and refuse to resort to cunning trickery or distorting the Word of God. Instead, we open up our souls to you by presenting the truth to everyone’s conscience in the sight and presence of God. Even if our gospel message is veiled, it is only veiled to those who are perishing, for their minds have been blinded by the god of this age, leaving them in unbelief. Their blindness keeps them from seeing the dayspring light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the divine image of God.

We don’t preach ourselves, but rather the lordship of Jesus Christ, for we are your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said,

“Let brilliant light shine out of darkness,”

is the one who has cascaded his light into us—the brilliant dawning light of the glorious knowledge of God as we gaze into the face of Jesus Christ.

We are like common clay jars that carry this glorious treasure within, so that this immeasurable power will be seen as God’s, not ours. Though we experience every kind of pressure, we’re not crushed. At times we don’t know what to do, but quitting is not an option. We are persecuted by others, but God has not forsaken us. We may be knocked down, but not out. We continually share in the death of Jesus in our own bodies so that the resurrection life of Jesus will be revealed through our humanity. We consider living to mean that we are constantly being handed over to death for Jesus’ sake so that the life of Jesus will be revealed through our humanity. So, then, death is at work in us but it releases life in you.

We have the same Spirit of faith that is described in the Scriptures when it says,

“First I believed, then I spoke in faith.”

So we also first believe then speak in faith. We do this because we are convinced that he who raised Jesus will raise us up with him, and together we will all be brought into his presence. Yes, all things work for your enrichment so that more of God’s marvelous grace will spread to more and more people, resulting in an even greater increase of praise to God, bringing him even more glory!

So no wonder we don’t give up. For even though our outer person gradually wears out, our inner being is renewed every single day. We view our slight, short-lived troubles in the light of eternity. We see our difficulties as the substance that produces for us an eternal, weighty glory far beyond all comparison, because we don’t focus our attention on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but the unseen realm is eternal.

The Letter of 2nd Corinthians, Chapter 4 (The Passion Translation)

Today’s paired chapter of the Testaments is the 55th chapter of the book (scroll) of Isaiah that reveals God’s words as a living seed:

Eternal One: If you are thirsty, come here;

come, there’s water for all.

Whoever is poor and penniless can still

come and buy the food I sell.

There’s no cost—here, have some food, hearty and delicious,

and beverages, pure and good.

I don’t understand why you spend your money for things that don’t nourish

or work so hard for what leaves you empty.

Attend to Me and eat what is good;

enjoy the richest, most delectable of things.

Listen closely, and come even closer. My words will give life,

for I will make a covenant with you that cannot be broken, a promise

Of My enduring presence and support like I gave to David.

See, I made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander among the nations.

Now you will issue a call to nations from all over the world—

people whom you do not know and who do not know you.

They will come running, because of Me, your God

because the Eternal, the Holy One of Israel, has made you beautiful.

So turn your attention and seek the Eternal One while it is still possible;

call on Him while He is nearby.

Let those who are busy plotting violence and doing wrong

stop right now, turn, and do right.

Let them turn back to the Eternal so they can experience His compassion.

God will excuse our past wrongs. Our God’s forgiveness is inexhaustible.

Eternal One: My intentions are not always yours,

and I do not go about things as you do.

My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you,

just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth.

For as rain and snow can’t go back once they’ve fallen,

but soak into the ground

And nourish the plants that grow,

providing seed to the farmer and bread for the hungry,

So it is when I declare something.

My word will go out and not return to Me empty,

But it will do what I wanted;

it will accomplish what I determined.

For you will go out in joy, be led home in peace.

And as you go the land itself will break out in cheers;

The mountains and the hills will erupt in song,

and the trees of the field will clap their hands.

Prickly thorns and nasty briers will give way

to luxurious shade trees, sweet and good.

And they’ll remind you of the Eternal One

and how God can be trusted absolutely and forever.

The Book (Scroll) of Isaiah, Chapter 55 (The Voice)

to be accompanied by these lines in The Message:

“So you’ll go out in joy,

you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.

The mountains and hills will lead the parade,

bursting with song.

All the trees of the forest will join the procession,

exuberant with applause.

No more thistles, but giant sequoias,

no more thornbushes, but stately pines—

Monuments to me, to God,

living and lasting evidence of God.”

The Book (Scroll) of Isaiah, Chapter 55:12-13 (The Message)

A link to my personal reading of the Scriptures for monday, August 2 of 2021 with a paired chapter from each Testament of the Bible along with Today’s Proverbs and Psalms

A post by John Parsons about choice:

Our Torah portion this week (i.e., parashat Re’eh) begins, “See (רְאֵה), I give before you today a blessing and a curse: the blessing (הַבְּרָכָה), if you obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and the curse (הַקְּלָלָה), if you ... turn aside from the way that I am commanding you today, to go after other gods that you have not known" (Deut. 11:26-28). We obtain God’s blessing (i.e., berakhah: בְּרָכָה) when we obey the LORD, and our decision to obey manifests the blessed state of walking before the Divine Presence (the direct object marker et (את) before the word “the blessing” alludes to the blessings of “Aleph to Tav,” that is from Yeshua, as described in Lev. 26:3-13). As King David said, “I have set (שִׁוִּיתִי) the LORD always before me...” (Psalm 16:8). David made a choice to “set” the LORD before his eyes, for he understood that opening his eyes to Reality was the only path of real blessing.

On the other hand, we obtain God’s curse (i.e., kelalah: קְלָלָה) when we close our eyes and “forget” that the LORD is always present.... Suppressing God’s truth invariably leads to idolatry, that is, to self exaltation. Note that the root word for the word “curse” (kalal) means to be treated as of little account, and therefore “ratifies” the rebellious heart’s attitude toward God. This is middah keneged middah - we are ignored by the LORD as we ignore Him, just as we are seen by Him when we truly seek His face (Isa. 55:6-7). So we see that the blessing or the curse really comes from our own inward decision, and God establishes the path we have chosen. As King David said, “God supports my lot” (Psalm 16:5), and Solomon wrote, “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps” (Prov. 16:9). [Hebrew for Christians]

8.1.21 • Facebook

and another about taking an honest look at ourselves:

The last month of the Jewish calendar (counting from Tishri) is called Elul (אֱלוּל), which begins at sundown on Saturday, August 7th this year. Traditionally, Rosh Chodesh Elul marks the beginning of a forty day “Season of Teshuvah” that culminates on the holiday of Yom Kippur. The month of Elul is therefore a time set aside each year to prepare for the Yamim Nora’im, the “Days of Awe,” by getting our spiritual house in order.

We are all on a spiritual journey, writing the “Book of our Life.” To help us in the “writing” process, the Jewish sages encouraged us to set aside as a season each year for cheshbon hanefesh (חֶשְׁבּוֹן הַנֶּפֶשׁ) - “making an account of the soul.” This means that we engage in honest self-examination about our behavior. After all, what is the essence of teshuvah if it is not honesty with yourself? “For everyone who does wicked things (lit., ὁ φαῦλα, that which is “easy,” “worthless,” or “vain”) hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed” (John 3:20). Therefore we make some time to reflect about our lives from the previous year. We ask searching questions like, “How did I get to this place in my life?” “Where am I now?” “Am I where I should be?” We engage in this process of self-examination with an aim to grow -- to let go of the pain of the past and move forward. Confession (i.e., homologia: ὁμολογία) means bringing yourself naked before the Divine Light to agree with the truth about who you are. Indeed, the related verb word "homologeo" (ὁμολογέω) literally means “saying the same thing” - from ὁμός (same) and λόγος (word). We need to confess the truth if we are to be free from the pain of the past. When King David wrote, יְהוָה אוֹרִי וְיִשְׁעִי מִמִּי אִירָ֑א - “The LORD is my Light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? (Psalm 27:1), he implied that he should even be free of fear of himself and of his past....

Being honest with ourselves is essential for any sort of authentic spiritual life... “Not everything that is faced can be changed; but nothing can be changed until it is faced” (James Baldwin). "No person is saved except by grace; but there is one sin that makes grace impossible, and that is dishonesty; and there is one thing God must forever and unconditionally require, and that is honesty" (Kierkegaard). Amen. Confession means "saying the same thing" about ourselves that God says - and that means not only acknowledging our various sins, transgressions, and iniquities, but also affirming our beloved place in his heart. Saying that God doesn’t love you is a lie as damning as denying His very existence... [Hebrew for Christians]

8.1.21 • Facebook

Today’s message (Days of Praise) from the Institute for Creation Research

August 2, 2021

I Am

“And Jesus said, I am: and ye shall see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.” (Mark 14:62)

After His arrest, “the chief priests and all the council sought for witness against Jesus to put him to death; and found none” (Mark 14:55). Then they got their sought-after witness from Jesus Himself when the high priest asked Him: “Art thou the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?” (v. 61), and it only took two words from Him. “I Am!”

As a matter of fact, this was not the first time He had thus identified Himself as the self-existent, eternal God. On an earlier occasion in Jerusalem, He had told the Pharisees: “I am the light of the world,” and then, “I am from above:..I am not of this world....If ye believe not that I am, ye shall die in your sins” (John 8:12, 23-24; the “he” in verse 24 is not in the Greek original).

He made this especially clear a few minutes later when He asserted: “Before Abraham was, I am” (John 8:58). But when He finally made this wonderfully truthful claim in the presence of the council, “they all condemned him to be guilty of death” (Mark 14:64). He had committed the capital crime of blasphemy in their opinion, by claiming to be God.

“I am” is, in fact, the very name of God. When Moses, at the burning bush, was called by God to deliver the Israelites from slavery, God said His name was “I Am That I Am” (Exodus 3:14). The name Jehovah (or Yahweh), the most frequently used name of the Lord in the Old Testament, is essentially this name.

One can count at least 196 “I am” claims of God in Christ (“I am the way, the truth, and the life,” for example—John 14:6) in the Bible. Truly, our Lord Jesus Christ is the eternal, self-existent God, “Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last” (Revelation 22:13). HMM

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fika-wika · 3 years

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🧭Where do we fit?🍃

I found myself reflecting on this for a while now. Where do I fit? where do I fit in my life, in the lives of those around me, In the world?

I’d say starting a couple months back I really started to take a hard look at myself and the kind of person I am now vs the kind of person I used to be before the whole covid outbreak. I’ve changed, I mean yes we all change but how many times do you actually stop look into the mirror and say to yourself that you’ve changed. As humans we are constantly changing with each passing day but they are such subtle changes that you don’t really notice until you find yourself reflecting a year, 2 years, multiple years back. Or you are coming out of an uncomfortable transition/situation and that’s when it’s typically easier to notice how much or why you’ve changed as a person. These changes happen so deep within by the time we notice the changes on the outside the process is already complete within. I thought of a Caterpillar in its cocoon. Do you think they are aware that they are going through such a change while inside? Or do you think they are just going through the process their body is sending them through not knowing how or when they will come out. But knowing that what they are doing now is different and more uncomfortable than the way they were first living in the earlier half of their lives. I believe we are kind of the same, we don’t always notice the Changes that are happening deep within but sometimes we are aware that what we are doing now is a lot different than how we were first living a year ago. Before we made some decisions that started to send us down a new path that looking back now, is what changed everything in the way we started to live, think and feel about life. We typically don’t notice this metamorphosis we went through until we are already breaking out our shell and spreading our new beautiful and vibrant wings through the air happier than we were before. I believe how long we stay in that uncomfortable spot really depends on us and how long it takes us to notice that this uncomfortable state we are in is temporary and that we have to dive into and let go of all the things that are making us uncomfortable to begin with and that typically starts from looking within ourselves at what needs to change. What do we want to change.

I was looking back at myself two years ago and noticed..I was such a social person, like I remember whenever I had days off from work I’d be spending it with someone like a friend from high school. Because I felt like that’s what I wanted to do, spend time with people because that’s where the fun and excitement of my life was. With the people I surrounded myself with. But then covid had happened, I hopped into a relationship a little before that and slowly but surely I found myself isolated like the rest of the world, with the only people to look at where the faces I saw at home and the faces I saw when I went to work. At the start I was ok with that. Like I was pretty happy at home and work wasn’t a bother. I was just blessed I still had my job compared to some around me who lost theirs. But as time passed I started to no longer even want to put up wit my job, I started to grow tired of it. Then I wondered why is it that my job was good before and now it’s no longer satisfying to wake up and go to, why is that? Because I wanted change, I needed something different. We got stuck in a routine of going to work and then go home, sleep then wake up and do it all over again. That was the first problem, the second problem I noticed was that when I came home I wasn’t even doing anything, nothing I thought of as super fun anyway. Because before the friends I spent time with outside of work were what brought me that joy and the work I was working on with myself brought me joy. But being home all day with a lover, not having anymore actual time to myself at home or work felt suffocating. I didn’t know how to spend my time anymore, I felt I had lost part of who I was back in 2019. I mean, didn’t we all? Covid was such a massive shift in the way we all lived and not just externally. I feel the major shift was really happening underneath for ALL of us. To start looking inwards and see life totally different than the way we did before. To live it differently.

So come the summer of 2020 I noticed a lot of my life I needed change in. It started when I reflected on my home cause they say if you aren’t happy at home you won’t be happy anywhere especially at work. Then my lease was up and I had moved that summer of 2020 and had a new apt, new roommates and that was an amazing shift to be honest. That new home environment was much needed. I was able to come home and be pretty happy of the new scenery and feel I had and the new friends me and my Gf lived with. Next was with where I worked, I figured if I’m gonna be stuck at a job all day, why the heck am I not working somewhere where I can actually enjoy being at, enjoy doing what I’m doing? If I’m gonna work a 9 to 5 then at least let it be something new to learn/ experience. New people, new faces and personalities to get to learn. I noticed that about myself too, I am someone who really enjoys getting to know new people, all the time. I love hearing their stories and getting to know the lives they lived and what makes then uniquely them. Kinda hard to do that working a fast food ice cream store where they all just come in and out and I’m rushed to get customers through a drive thru on top of having to manage a bunch of teenagers to get through the day..it wasn’t a hard job at all. But it was no longer satisfying for my soul after 4 years. I needed growth, I needed more than what that job was feeding me. It wasn’t even about the money. I feel the money means nothing if I can’t at least prepare to go to work with some kind of joy and not expect it to be diminished by the time I leave. I needed a new source for joy. Next thing I knew I got fired, not the ideal why I wanted to leave but at the same time it was just the blessing I needed to push myself to finding a new job and thank god it happened because I ended up at amazon and this job provided me with a schedule that actually works with my natural sleeping habits and gives me more time to myself with the choice to also socialize with different people, older people with amazing stories and lives to share. And the better pay was just the cherry on top.

Now let’s see, I had a new home, a new job..what was next? Oh that’s right Me. I was happy with where I was and what I was doing to pay my bills, yet still felt uncomfortable within myself, why? Because I still wasn’t doing something that was FOR me, for MY joy with myself. And that’s when I noticed we are over half way through 2020 and so much has changed and I’ve lost track of something that actually HELPED me back in 2019 and I noticed for some reason I stopped doing this..my self care, my hobbies, the things that actually brought me joy with mySELF back in 2019. I didn’t know why or how but I had let the uncomfortable struggles of 2020 pull me away from the things that were actually important to me personally. And strangely enough, those things where exactly what I needed to not only feel happy with the accomplishments I’ve made so far that year but also to bring myself back to the happiest version of me..I had gotten back into meditation, Got back into doing tarot and writing, got back to putting the focus on my life and what I needed to be happy with myself despite everything else that’s going on in the world around me. Sadly though when I started making these changes within myself they did start to affect my relationship, Because I was no longer the person she met in 2019 and I’m changing from the person 2020 had made me into, I was integrating and I myself did not know where she had fit into that picture anymore. Long story short we ended up separating, It sucked but it also felt right at the time. Felt right for what I had to do for myself and for her to move onto something different and hopefully better.

So here we are now 2021 after the dramatic uncomfortable changes of 2020 started to settle and I’m looking at myself in the mirror and all I can say is...damn. The good kind of Damn. Like man you’ve been through a lot this past year and look at you, You’ve learned so much, made so many positive changes for yourself and found the strength to push yourself into a new direction of making all new choices for yourself and your life style, no longer living the way you used to but now living the way you want to be living. I asked What’s next? Cause as we all know, after one cycle completes, We just start a new one all over. After one struggle there is always more to learn. Keeping that in mind as they lifted the rule on masks in Texas I wanted to hang out with some old friends from high school again, It’s been over a year since I’ve seen any of them and what’s the very first thing I notice when surrounded by them? That we click yes, But something didn’t feel right, Its like we clicked but the click was a little bit off, like something was off. Yes I enjoyed their company but something about what we did or the way we hung out just wasn’t the same anymore. That’s when I realized dang, My boys are still my boys, but something in me just doesn’t match that full vibe anymore. It’s like it was there but not fully. I see then that they vibed with an old version of me. A version of me that was there, but isn’t what brought me the same kind of joy it once did. So going home afterwards left me with an “eh” feeling, like yea we were cool, always gonna be cool, but I felt that was the next thing for me to look at. The changes I’ve been going through seems to have left me with friends that no longer match the vibe I was giving off now or wanted to surround myself in. I needed something new. I needed new friends that now matched the version of me I’m becoming. That’s where I am currently, Spending more time to myself like I’m still under quarantine but happy with myself and what I’m doing now, no longer suffocated by the world around me. Yet I’m left questioning now, where do I fit among the world? among society?

It’s crazy how much we change as people, It’s crazy how each decision we make really does change the outcome of our personalities and it’s a never ending process. Like I broke free of the cocoon that kept me in my first apt, then I found myself uncomfortably inside another at work, broke free of that one and found myself inside one within myself, now breaking free of that one and I’m now inside a cocoon uncomfortable with where I’m supposed to fly to in the world. It’s a pretty cool process honestly and each time you break free of one cycle you have those moments of joy to celebrate your new profound wings you’ve grown before You enter the next state of change. When that time comes its almost like we can literally feel when It’s time to move into the next chapter of our lives. Some of us get better at it over time, Some of us might struggle with it. Get comfortable with the comfortableness of change, because it’ll keep happening over and over throughout our life. The more comfortable we are with feeling uncomfortable the smoother our transitions.

Coming back to where do we fit? I believe there is no real answer to that question, I feel as we constantly change from one skin to the next so does the area, the groups, the societies, the home that we surround our self in. Its an ever changing human experience but what I do know is that those who are able to withstand, understand and vibe with the changes within us are the ones that fit into OUR lives. As we humans are ever changing, Where we fit as a person is ever changing but those that fit us is shown by who stay and those who go naturally. Sometimes the ones that go end up coming back later on. They didn’t fit one cycle, doesn’t mean they don’t fit in the next after going through a metamorphosis of their own. That is something to reflect on next time you look into your own reflection.

#society #group #fit #self reflection #life #changes #2020 #2019 #2021 #blog #reflection #writing #home #hobby #self #friends #change #metamorphosis #book talk #chat #talk

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marksleepy · 6 years

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wish upon a scintilla of hope

word count: 4849 worth of fluff and idk like 5% of chensung because they’re such cute best friends a/n: i spent so long on this only @simplyaroha knows. jael i’m so sorry for keeping you waiting LOL. and i want to gift @chenleplanet with this because ryne your love for chenle is unreal and ily <3 i also want to gift @jenoist with this as vivi you’re the nicest and you make me cry jscudnvifjsdb ily2. lastly, gifting you, a reader, with this because i’m thankful that you’re reading this (or going to?). if this is my first fic you’re reading then hello i hope you stay and read my future tales ahaha. if this isn’t the first then hey!! thanks so much for staying. i really appreciate it! merry early christmas everybody. p.s. italicised words are for dream talks and texts in case you get confused

chenle clapping cuz i finally finished this thousand weeks long thing. gif belongs to @nakamotens :) there’s already a watermark on the gif but i’m just doing what’s right

The 11th night of each month—the only night when you don’t dream. Tons of people labour under the misapprehension that they don’t dream every night, but that’s simply because they don’t remember what they were dreaming of.

Tonight, an endless tenebrosity stretches before you.

You think of ‘Hey’, and immediately the word appears in the darkness, faint and in the colour of snow.

There’s no reply. Which sucks as this means you’ll have to spend the next seven hours or so in total nothingness, unless the person at the other end of the country (or world, you don’t know for sure) answers you. It should’ve been somewhere near an hour when a foggy yet enthusiastic ‘Hi!’ comes into view.

Sorry, I was catching up on some homework, it continues.

What time is it? you think instantly.

My phone tells me it was 1:04 am the last time I saw it.

You should start going to bed earlier, loser, you respond.

Communicating with soulmates would’ve been a lot easier if names aren’t eschewed. You’ve tried thinking about the most uncommon names, but they refuse to come to light. This explains why you and your soulmate decided to call each other ‘loser’ on the fourth encounter a few months ago. It’s not the cutest, but it’ll have to do.

Don’t tell me what to do, loser.

Fine. What do YOU want to do?

I don’t know.

You sigh, if that’s even possible at this moment. Do people sigh while dreaming? You assume they do. Tell me more about yourself then. The only thing I know about you is that you’re an annoying boy.

His reply comes a little late. You got the gender right but the adjective wrong. Now let me go to sleep.

You’re already sleeping, dork.

You can almost hear him chuckle. You feel a wistful longing for his voice.

I’m just kidding. What do you want to know about me? His words emerge, a colon and right bracket following close. They join the string of words disappearing above.

The hall is snug after walking in the icy wind outside. The assembly that all students attend religiously will begin in a few minutes. Your eyes dart from one student to another, in search of a boy with lilac hair. But he finds you first.

“I’m right here, Y/N!” Chenle yells, clamping his hands on your shoulders with the largest grin on his face.

“I wasn’t looking for you,” you say, turning around to face him.

His smile seems to get wider if that’s feasible. “Yeah, I believe you.”

You know you’ve lost when a smile threatens to surface.

Every school year starts off with students sitting according to their classes. However, by mid-February (sometimes earlier), the rule is long broken with students scattered everywhere in the hall with their companions from other classes or grades. One clear example is a senior hanging out with a junior, and in this case, Mark and Donghyuck, who are laughing over the funniest joke they’ve ever heard.

“Let’s go look for Jisung,” Chenle says. He clasps your wrist and pushes through the crowd. You feel a strong beat of your heart, something you experience whenever he does that. His touch feels like wearing gloves on a snowy winter day, tucking yourself under a blanket on a cold winter night. You shake your head. You shouldn’t be feeling like this. You can’t be feeling like this. Chenle isn’t your soulmate.

But… It’s okay to prefer someone to your soulmate, right?

You decide that it’s wrong as soon as the question slips. This feeling for Chenle, you convince yourself, is patently temporary. Besides, Chenle doesn’t like you in that way. It’s indubitable.

It also feels extremely strange to enjoy being around someone so much, especially if that someone isn’t who you talk to every 11th night of the month.

Maybe you don’t even like Chenle. So what if you feel accomplished when he laughs heartily at your jokes? So what if your eyes light up every time you see someone with lilac hair on the street (not very often), only to be disappointed when said person wasn’t who you thought it was? So what if you associate love songs with him? So what if your stomach flutters whenever he grabs your hand? So what—

“Y/N? Y/N!” Chenle waves his hand before your face. You blink at him.

“You okay? You seem to be deep in thought,” he continues. He has no idea.

He waves to Jisung. The latter has two empty seats beside him, and he beckons both of you over.

The hall is calmer than before, with most already seated down. Chenle sits between you and Jisung. They start talking about everything imaginable, frequently laughing mid-sentence. Your heart melts at this exuberant duo, and you often catch yourself staring at the older of the pair.

Someone catches you doing so too.

“Somebody’s real busy.”

You snap out of your reverie to see Jisung looking at you knowingly.

Chenle has a look of confusion and embarrassment on his face. “Are we boring you?”

You shake your head just as the principal taps on the microphone twice.

“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t really your thing,” Chenle resumes. At this point, you don’t even know what he’s talking about in the first place.

“It’s okay, Chenle,” you reassure him. “You— Both of you never bore me.”

You spend the next hour listening to the principal drone on about God knows what and stealing glances at a boy with lilac hair and inappropriate laughter.

“What’s your soulmate like?” Chenle asks you from his desk. His highlighter is poised over a page of his science textbook as he waits for a reply.

You look up from your calculus worksheet and eye him sceptically from where you’re sitting on the wooden floor of his bedroom. “That’s new.”

“I’m just curious.”

You turn your attention back to the paper resting on your lap as his question replays in your head. You’re at his house studying for a test, mainly to seek for warmth. It isn’t snowing, but it’s freezing. You’d left your house keys on your desk and aren’t keen to be outdoors making beats with your teeth. Also, no one will be home until dusk.

“He’s nice,” you murmur. “Funny.”

Chenle goes back to highlighting some texts, occasionally writing on Post-it notes. “Do you, uh, like him?”

If you were brave, you would say, “No. I like you.”

But you aren’t, so you say, “I guess.”

Chenle’s tense shoulders sag. He leans his back on the chair, tapping his pen on the edge of his desk.

“What about you? Do you like your soulmate?” you question. You look at the naked trees outside with gnawing uneasiness in your stomach.

“Yeah"—his cheeks redden slightly—"but I…

“Nothing. We’re supposed to be studying.” He pulls his chair closer to the desk and uncaps another highlighter. You want to argue that he’d started talking first but decided against it.

The next time he talks to you is to ask you what you want to have for dinner.

You spend your days taking tests, hanging out with friends, and being muddled by Chenle’s behaviour.

“Did I say something wrong?” You and Jisung are standing outside the soccer field, the question accompanied by your foggy breath tumbling out your mouth before you can stop it. Jisung stops observing the senior practising his kicks and turns his head to look at you.

“What?”

“It’s nothing. Chenle’s just being strange.”

Jisung clears his throat. “He is?”

You spot Chenle running wildly on the field, engaged in a friendly match with some sophomores.

“Not now. But when we’re alone he becomes awkward.”

“Maybe he, I don’t know, likes you?” Jisung pushes his bangs out of his face. “How’s alone time with him?”

You look down at the ground, fingers gripping the fence, face pink from the cold and something else. “Don’t phrase it that way.”

“Here comes lover boy.”

You grimace at his words. Chenle skips towards you and Jisung, his hair sticking to his forehead and shirt soaked in sweat despite the numbing temperature. Jisung wraps a towel around the older and helps him put on his coat. “That was fun. Thanks for waiting for me.”

Chenle reaches for your hand and freezes at once.

Jisung doesn’t seem to notice anything. He takes off first, shoving his hands in his winter coat. “Remind me to hit you when I can feel my hands again.”

Chenle chuckles, and you can’t say you relate to Jisung. It feels like you’re touching hot coal.

Chenle once told you receiving coals for Christmas wasn’t bad at all. “Just burn them and roast marshmallows.”

You had watched the fire flicker through his eyes.

Chenle’s hair is dyed a hazelnut brown colour when you see him in school. It’s as if your lungs are caught in a mesh and entangled. The air feels thick and suffocating.

“What do you think?” is the first thing he says when your eyes meet.

You force yourself to breathe. “What happened to lilac hair? That was such a look, man.”

“I got tired of people giving me weird looks.”

And why would people do that? You can’t understand why a change of his hair colour has this big of an effect on you.

You shrug, trying to look nonchalant. “It looks good on you.”

You nearly miss the way his face reddens as he looks down at his dirty Converse.

“Y/N…

Y/N.

Y/N!”

“What do you want, Chenle?”

“Look at me.”

He raises his right hand up to your left cheek and draws comforting, tingly circles with his thumb. Then he’s leaning in, closer. He looks at you through half-closed lids before coming closer. Closer.

“Y/N. I…”

You feel your heart throbbing loudly in your ears, like drums beating on the street during festivals.

You don’t feel anything on your lips. But your eyes stay closed.

“Y/N.”

You love hearing your name roll so effortlessly off his tongue. You love it. You love him.

“Y/N. I—”

“You what?”

“I swear if you don’t get up right now I’ll really kill you!”

You shoot up from your laying position, your hair a mess and your eyes swollen with sleep. Jisung stands at the foot of your bed, his hands on his hips as he lours at you.

“What are you doing in my room?” you ask, groggy.

“Are you serious?”

You free your legs from your woollen blanket and shudder when your feet touch the gelid floor.

“We were supposed to study at Chenle’s, remember?” Jisung sighs. “Clearly not.”

You give him a bashful smile, eyeing the bedroom doorway.

Jisung taps his foot impatiently. “He isn’t here. He’s helping his mum with groceries.”

“I wasn't—”

“Just get ready and meet us at his place, Y/N.” He gives you one last look before disappearing down the hallway. “Your face is red. Do you want me to open the windows?”

“I thought you were joking!” You uncap the half-filled bottle then cap it after a second. “Who associates Jisung with textbooks and homework?”

Jisung throws a tiny ball of paper at you. “Judgemental. I do study.”

“Stop it, you two,” Chenle chuckles. “Let’s actually get stuff done. We can also ask Y/N since she’s the smartest one here.”

“She is?” Jisung snorts. He earns a punch on the arm from you while your face glows with embarrassment.

So the three of you study. Chenle and Jisung have tests on different subjects this week but you don’t. You work on your assignment, which is a research on a historical building. Apart from occasional questions from the duo, the room is otherwise quiet. It’s slowly getting dark, the sun dipping below the horizon.

You look at Chenle discreetly. His eyelids are pink from him rubbing them. He looks cute when he’s serious and focused. There’s a knock on the door before Chenle’s mum pops her head into the room and smiles. “Dinner’s ready if any of you are hungry. Don’t overwork yourselves, alright?”

There are hums and nods, then the room is quiet again. It can’t have been more than five minutes when Jisung says, “Guys! It’s snowing!”

Turns out there are only little specks of snow, much to everyone’s (Jisung’s) disappointment. With the assignment and scrawled notes forgotten in Chenle’s bedroom, you and the pair stand outside just in case white flakes fall again, wriggling about to stay warm.

“This is annoying,” Jisung groans.

Chenle nudges him playfully. “There are a lot more days to come, Jisung.”

Jisung merely shrugs and says he’s hungry. Everyone trudges back into the house, relieved to soak in its warmth.

It’s late when Jisung leaves Chenle’s house, which is starting to slowly lose its heat. The sky is an inky black but there are no visible stars due to the light-polluted city that Chenle lives in. You sit on his cabin bed, head tilted towards the night sky, watching a scintilla in the midst of the darkness.

Your eyes drift to Chenle. He yawns and rubs his eyes for the nth time.

“Hey,” you say softly. “Take a break.”

He stifles another yawn, pushes his arms in the air and stretches. “My mum will murder me if I fail this class again.”

“She did tell us not to overwork ourselves.”

His smile appears. He pushes his chair back and ambles towards the bed to sit beside you. “What are you doing?” He bumps his shoulder against yours.

You point to the tiny spark in the sky.

“Ooh,” he gushes. “Let’s make a wish.”

“That’s not a shooting star, Chenle.”

“That’s fine. I made a wish at camp last year when I thought I saw one. Until I realised it was Renjun throwing a piece of trash across the campsite.”

One end of Chenle’s lips is lifted, and soon both of you are collapsing into gales of laughter.

“What did you wish for?” Chenle asks.

You shake your head, grinning. “Secret.”

It’s the 11th night of the month again. You go to bed quite early, feeling completely knackered from interminable assignments. You wait and wait, looking at lyrics of your favourite song arise as you think of it.

This soulmate of yours sure sleeps late.

All of a sudden, a Hey pops up.

Hi, you reply in your head.

Sorry, I forgot that it’s the 11th.

I have a question.

What is it?

You pause, letting the words disappear as they go higher. You think of your question. Do you like anybody?

Yeah.

He awaits what you have for him next.

Then, have you confessed to that person?

No. I’m too scared to do that.

How do you cope?

Uh, I have a blog where I write what I want to say to her. Yeah, it’s cheesy so go ahead and laugh at me.

You feel yourself smiling. No it’s not. It’s cute.

I can show you it if you want. No one knows about it except for my best friend, only because I foolishly left the page open while I went to the bathroom. That’s how embarrassed I feel about it. But now you know.

I’m honoured.

The website and username he uses show up in a minute. You know the website well, however, he has an odd username—practically like everyone on this planet. It reminds you of Chenle with his strange usernames for all eight of his accounts.

“Why 'dirtykitchenfloor’?” you had choked out. “'terrifyingpickle’. I’m leaving.”

Chenle had grabbed your hand, all but laughing. “Don’t. I have six more.”

You there? These two words knock you back to the blackness.

Yeah. I was thinking about some stuff.

Like the person you like?

What? No. Thanks for reminding me though, I’ll go think about him now.

HAHAHA—pause—well have fun. I’ll be here, roaming.

You imagine the lilac-now-hazelnut hair boy standing beside you outside in the snowy city. The street lamp winks as snow starts to pile up atop and around it. His hair is sprinkled with stardust and snowflakes. His eyes twinkle and his hand feels like a cup of hot chocolate. The fallen snow feels soft beneath your shoes.

Everything feels right.

“I think I’m in love,” Jisung says dreamily.

It’s a frosty afternoon, and you find yourself again with Jisung and Chenle, everyone either sprawled on Jisung’s bed or floor. Drinks and bags of snacks litter the ground. No one pays attention to them.

A weird noise escapes Chenle’s mouth. “With who?”

“My soulmate.”

You snigger and say, “They’re called soulmates for a reason.” You then remember that Chenle isn’t yours. You also don’t know if it’s bad that your soulmate likes someone else. You figure it isn’t, knowing you’re not breaking any hearts around here and you like someone else too.

Jisung prattles on about his soulmate. You nod blankly, and catch Chenle gazing at you. He points to Jisung covertly before shaking his head and rolling his eyes. There’s a beam on your face.

“You aren’t even listening to me,” Jisung groans. “Stop flirting with each other.”

“At least I have someone to flirt with,” Chenle sneers.

A thick shade of red mantles your cheeks. “S-stop talking nonsense.”

Chenle looks at you the way a child would look when he’s caught going through presents on the night before Christmas. A reddish hue branches out across his fair complexion.

Jisung’s frown steadily turns into a soft knowing smile. “Since I’m done talking about my amazing love life, it’s your turn. The smarter person starts first.”

The branch tapping on the windows is the only thing disturbing Jisung’s hushed bedroom. You wonder why he hasn’t gotten rid of it. You’d find it difficult to fall asleep on a blustery night.

“So none of you are smart? Not a surprise to me, I guess,” Jisung teases.

“My soulmate has a blog where he writes what he wants to say to the person he likes down,” you begin, ignoring Jisung’s raillery.

Jisung lets out an impressed-sounding “huh” the same time Chenle says, “That’s stupid.”

A grim line forms on your mouth as you stare at him. “I don’t think it is.”

"Really?” Chenle coughs deliberately. “That seems so cowardly.” Jisung cocks his head a little to the right twice out of habit, a small smile playing on his lips as he watches the exchange between you and Chenle. “I think it’s stupid too,” the younger of the pair blurts out.

Chenle glares at Jisung. “No, it’s not.”

“You said it was! I’m just agreeing with you.”

“I’m just… just agreeing with Y/N.”

You snicker as they start to banter. They stop and stare at you, and soon the room is filled with three friends who are attacked by uncontrollable laughter.

Jisung wipes at his eyes and after he’s calmed down, he says, “I wanna love like Y/N’s soulmate.”

“Me too,” Chenle says, albeit having a faraway look in his eyes.

“Don’t you already?”

“Sh-shut up!”

“Sh-shut up!” Jisung mimics. Chenle simply gets up and flicks Jisung’s forehead. He whines in pain and flicks the former back. You sit up on the spot on Jisung’s bed and smile.

Happy. Happy is what you feel.

You don’t know how you or Chenle do it, but it’s three in the morning when you finally shut your laptop and let out a wavering cry. “I’m done. Spent.”

“Let’s get some sleep.” Chenle yawns, lumbering to his bed and pulling the sheets over his entire body.

“Throw me a pillow and blanket.”

“What?” Chenle peers at you. “You’re not sleeping on the floor. It’s not carpeted and it’s freezing.”

“I’ll be fine, worrywart.”

“Who even says that?” He gives you a blue pillow dotted with white clouds and a soft blanket. “You wanna swap spots instead?”

“Go to sleep, Chenle.” You tuck yourself under the blanket, which comes with his scent and a hint of flowery laundry detergent. With heavy and teary eyes from yawning too much, you lie facing the ceiling, the floor a tad cold for comfort. Your mind threatens to drag you to sleep, until a weak voice breaks the silence of the night.

“Are you asleep?”

“Yes,” you mumble, your eyes shut, hardly able to contemplate what you’re saying.

He laughs lightly. “I can’t sleep. Talk to me.”

“Nice.”

“Y/N.”

“Chenle,” you mutter, pulling the blanket up till it covers your chin.

“Cat.”

“Dolphin.”

Right now you’re starting to wake up. You lie on your side and prop the side of your head in your palm, facing him. He mirrors your position.

“I actually hate you,” you quip.

“No you don’t.”

“Right for once.”

He closes his eyes, his head drooping. You study his soft features, feeling your eyes beginning to close again. Your head hits the pillow and you pull the blanket over your shoulder. Your teeth chatter slightly, but that’s okay—you’re too tired to care anyway.

You wake up when the sky is still black and starless. Chenle’s scent seems to have gotten stronger. You sit up, using your elbows as support, only to see the bed empty and rumpled. Something breathes against your arm, and you almost smack yourself from pulling back too fast.

There you see Chenle curled up beside you on the ground like a foetus. His blanket is thrown over you, but it’s riding off his body, his tummy exposed to the cold. You remove his blanket from yourself and cover him up to the neck. He stirs but stays asleep, sighing with satisfaction.

“You’re an odd one,” you whisper in the unlit room. “I don’t mind it one bit.”

You mirror his position this time, dreams taking you on different adventures—all of them with this boy who makes you feel warmer this winter.

“You chose to sleep on the floor when you have a bed,” you say between munches of your cereal the next morning.

“I didn’t choose.” Chenle dips his bread in your bowl of milk. “I fell off the bed.”

“Ha ha. Remind me to laugh again later.”

Tap tap.

Jisung stands at the door. Chenle opens it to reveal him clad in a sweater, coat and fuzzy pants with matching shoes.

“Pfft, what are you wearing?” you joke. You spoon some cereal into your mouth.

“Yes good morning and thanks for inviting me to the sleepover,” Jisung says, throwing his bag on the floor and plopping himself down on the high stool opposite you.

Chenle returns to the stool to your left. He pulls his bread apart and waves a piece at Jisung. “You turned us down!”

“Oh right. Because you two are boring.”

“And somehow you like hanging out with us?” you say with amusement.

“Whatever,” Jisung says. “So… are the two of you a thing now?”

Chenle splutters on his juice, orange liquid flying out his mouth. You feel the heat on your face even though the cold air that followed Jisung in is still lingering in the kitchen.

“Are you okay?” Jisung laughs, slapping him on the back.

You rub your temples. “It’s too early for this.”

“I thought you talked things through last night.”

“Just shut up, Jisung. Eat your cereal,” Chenle rebukes. He hops off the stool to go wash his mouth at the sink. Jisung shakes his head in disappointment.

can you come out now? reads Chenle’s text at 12 in the morning.

You compose a new message. I don’t plan on getting murdered by either one of my parents tonight

please

omg fine. why are you here so late

i just wanted to see you

Your heart leaps in your chest. ok chenle.

You drape your woollen blanket around you and lift your window up, feeling like those furtive teenagers in movies. An icy gust of wind slaps your cheeks, but the coldness dissipates when you see Chenle stomping on the crunchy ice on the gravel path outside, his hands shoved deep into his coat pocket.

“You okay?” you say after jumping from your window sill (cautiously).

“Can I ask you a question?” he says with foggy breath.

“Yeah. I mean we’re already here.”

He closes his eyes and gulps. “Can I kiss you?”

“Chenle…”

He blocks your view by putting his hand before your eyes. “Don’t look at me. I’m embarrassed.”

You grab his arm with your shaky one and pull him towards you. He’s so close your cloudy breaths mingle. It’s a test to see who makes the first move.

He does.

And your lips feel like it’s on fire.

He really is an odd one, but you don’t mind it one bit.

You fall asleep with pink cheeks that night and the feeling of Chenle’s hand at the back of your neck, spreading warmth throughout your body.

Hey loser. I kissed him. You’re starting off bold tonight. You couldn’t care less.

In a split second, your reply comes. Really?

Yes, really.

How was it?

It was… I don’t know.

Like you were going to melt? Like you were floating with the clouds?

Yes. Very much.

I felt like that too.

You think of the winter spice jelly sitting in the fridge, knowing completely how it feels. Because you’re just as stiff as it is.

You refuse to analyse the words. Ohh, you kissed her too?

I did. I went to her house 30 minutes before it turned 12. Stood outside considering if I should just go home and keep my feelings bottled up forever, or put our friendship at risk by doing it.

You feel like tearing up. I think you did the right thing.

Me too.

You search for the hazelnut hair boy in the crowded hall. It’s been tougher as almost everyone has that same hair colour. Mark and Donghyuck are chaffing each other; a group of juniors—Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin—enters the hall, chatting incessantly. Pretty much a common sight to see.

A hand rests on your shoulder from behind.

“I know I know,” Chenle grins. “You weren’t looking for me.”

“You knew?” you ask. Both of you move to a less packed area.

He nods. “But it was after I told you about the blog.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I thought you were smart enough to figure it out.”

You scoff, but a smile forces its way onto your face.

“I guess I’m smarter than you in some way,” he adds, punching you lightly on the biceps.

“Guys!” Jisung bounces towards you and Chenle. He eyes you suspiciously, before moving his attention to Chenle. “So… Are you two a thing now?”

You exchange glances with Chenle.

“Shut up, Jisung.”

Jisung doesn’t get an actual answer, but you’re sure he knows when he laughs with you and Chenle.

“I can’t believe you have a blog filled with your feelings about me,” you tease. “How cheesy.”

“Can we not talk about that now?” Chenle groans, covering his face with his hands. “You said it was cute.”

“It is.”

“I’ll just delete it later and stop liking you.”

You reach for his hands, fisting and trapping them in your palms. “No. I need to read it when you start losing feelings for me.”

“Then I guess you won’t be reading it at all.”

You and Chenle walk under the jet black sky side by side, enjoying the wind’s whispers. His tickles your palm with his pinky and says, “I have more stuff I want to say to you.”

“Go ahead.”

“You’ll have to wait for the 11th.”

You realise your wish came true even before you made it.

a/n: hey!! you made it to the end! for this i want to say thank you once again and i hope you enjoyed this. low-key found the part where renjun threw trash across the campsite funny LOL

#nct #nct dream #nct scenarios #chenle scenarios #nct chenle #zhong chenle #nct fluff #chenle fluff #soulmate #soulmate!au #it's 6 am rip #jet lagged ok #falalalala lalalala

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lucaordeusorlem · 6 years

Text

PSA: DEPRESSION

Laughing and smiling doesn’t mean you aren’t depressed. Don’t let anyone discredit your depression because you actually were able to enjoy yourself. How fucking dare someone tell you, you are,’t depressed because you are ‘Happy’ most of the time. Have you ever heard of the saying “The people who smile the brightest are the most broken inside.” That is a direct relation to a smile being so rare on this person that when you do see them smile, it’s a rare sight to be enjoyed because they have such a beautiful smile and yet they don’t smile more.

How dare someone, a non-councilor, non-psychologist, non-psychiatrist, tell you that you do not suffer with depression because your symptoms 'Don’t even match up’ EVERYONE IS EFFECTED DIFFERENT. From ranging circumstances, severity, and ways it effects you.

HOW DARE SOMEONE SAY DEPRESSION IS RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS. Depression isn’t running away from your problems. Depression isn’t not knowing how to deal with your problems. Depression is a direct effect from the problems and situations around you. Depression isn’t something you get when you’re running away. Depression is having problems that can’t be fixed by you, or aren’t in your ability to fix, so you have no way of getting away from it.

HOW DARE SOMEONE SAY THAT IF YOU CHANGED SOMETHING IT’D GO AWAY. An example I can come up with would be your mom telling you that the solution to all your physical ailments whether headcold or a bullet wound, is to be on your phone less. How dare someone point out the problem area in your life that is one of your insecurities and tell you to change it. Stop telling someone that if they were more mature or responsible that there depression would be gone. Like, I wasn’t aware that being responsible made you numb to all the ailments of the world.

HOW DARE SOMEONE DISCREDIT YOUR DEPRESSION BECAUSE OF YOUR PRIVILEGE. “You’ve got a phone, a roof over your head, food in your stomach, but your depressed. Yet there’s starving kids in Africa-” YEAH I KNOW THERE IS. DOES THAT MEAN WE AREN’T ALLOWED TO FEEL DEPRESSED? ALL THAT ACCOMPLISHES IS MAKING THE DEPRESSED PARTY GUILTY FOR THE WAY THEY FEEL WHEN THEY ARE OH SO 'PRIVILEGED’ MAKING THEM FEEL EVEN WORSE AND SENDING THEM DOWN A SPIRAL OF EVEN WORSE DEPRESSION THEN GUILT THEN DEPRESSION THEN GUILT. People who live in a first world country will deal with first world problems. People in who live in a 3rd world country will seal with 3rd world problems. Stop comparing people’s problems to others, because circumstances are different. To put it into words for people who don’t understand, it’s exactly like Katy Perry saying no one will understand when she says she’s no fine. People think that since she is rich and famous she has nothing to be depressed about.

HOW DARE SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT YOUR SCARS OR SELF-HARM ARE A CRY FOR ATTENTION. Last time I fucking checked people aren’t sitting in their rooms like 'Oh shit if I cut my arm here at a 45° angle, with the depth increasing by .2mm per inch I bet Johnny will give me attention’ Like it just don’t happen. People don’t sit in their room cutting up their arms for attention. People usually hide there cuts from people. They don’t flaunt them to the world. It is in no way an effective coping mechanism, but first hand I know what is possible going through someone’s head. For me, cutting was a way to fill the pain I felt mentally, because I felt guilty and disgusted in myself for feeling pain when there was none. Cutting was a way to justify the pain I felt mentally, because it then followed suit physically.

HOW DARE SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT YOUR FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT WAS A JOKE. Having your life saved by the Hospital. Being admitted to Rehab. Getting rehabilitated into society and learning skills to cope with your depression, and using them on a day to day basis is nothing short of amazing. To tell someone that they weren’t even trying to kill themselves or “You know who really want to die? The people who killed themselves” is disgusting. To completely try and discredit someone’s depression and there very suicide attempt because, thank all the Lords, the earth, the stars, even Satan (if you’re into that), they failed is even more disgusting then telling a girl they deserved to get raped because of what they were wearing.

HOW DARE SOMEONE SAY THAT YOU ARE ONLY DEPRESSED WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. The example that went with this one is directly from that ^someone^ that prompted this rant in the first place. How can someone say that you are only depressed when you don’t have Marijuana or alcohol, that they are perfectly fine when they got either of them. To that I say, WELL YEAH DUH, DUMBASS. THAT IS CALLED SUBSTANCE ABUSE. USING SUBSTANCES LIKE ALCOHOL OR WEED TO GET HIGH OR DRUNK IN AN EFFORT TO FORGET LIFE’S PROBLEMS AROUND YOU IS CALLED SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Feeling like you can’t be happy or even function in society without them is a dependency that most people use to cope with depression, anxiety, and any other problems.

THEN TO GO ON AND SAY THEY ARE ONLY DEPRESSED WHEN THEY ARE SOBER. THEY ARE DEPRESSED WHEN THEY ARE SOBER BECAUSE THEY ARE DEPRESSED PERIOD. THE MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL ARE A TEMPORARY FIX TO THE PROBLEMS THEY FACE. This is obvious. People think that people who are constantly stoned or tipsy just are generally content or happy people, because they are dependent on these drugs and are stoned 90% of their day to cope. When they are sober and act depressed. IT AIN’T BECAUSE THEY ARE SOBER. LIKE THEY AREN’T SAD BECAUSE THEY GOT NO WEED, MY GUY. IT’S JUST THEIR RESTING PERSONALITY. The personality they’ve so expertly hidden from the world through suppression of feelings from the assistance of substances.

HOW DARE SOMEONE PICK AND CHOOSE WHO THEY THINK IS DEPRESSED. You can’t pick and choose who you think is depressed. You can’t just decide that someone’s circumstances are different so they are valid. You can’t just decided that your closer friend’s feelings are more valid because you are closer. The example from ^someone^ was that his biological son was depressed, and us, his unbiological daughters were also depressed. His biological sons depression was valid, but ours were not.

AND LASTLY, SINCE THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG. HOW DARE THAT SOMEONE DISCREDITING YOUR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, HISTORY WITH CUTTING, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, AND SADNESS BE THE PEOPLE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK UP TO. A FATHER OR STEPFATHER. The people in this world, your parents of all things, should NEVER EVER be the ones discrediting your depression. At that point they are being hypocritical and doing exactly what they think we are: Running away from their problem. They don’t want to admit that something is going on with your child, so you’d rather deny the way they feel entirely.

It’s so disgusting to have the person who is functioning as your parental figure, be the one to discredit your feelings. The one that you believed you could talk about anything with.

To the people in this world who believe that it’s just an act and the people suffering with depression just need to get their shit together and start 'sniffing the roses’ of the real world,

I feel pity for you. I feel sorry that you have grown up so ignorant. To be an adult and still be the ignorant one about mental health, is really really dissapointing. You need to be the one people look up to. You need to educate yourself on mental health, mental illnesses, and coping skills before you open your mouth.

And especially, as a parental figure, who has experienced depression yourself, substance abuse yourself, as a teen. You should be more considerate and understanding of the way people feel, especially because you are comparing others depression to your own experience to judge whether or not someone is depressed.

Mental health is extremely important. It needs to be spoken about more often. Not just in schools for children. But in workplaces for adults. Awareness is one thing, being knowledgeable of Mental illnesses and coping skills to better your child’s life is another.

Depression and Suicide are not a joke or something that should be dismissed. This is a site that has helplines listed for every area,

http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines

I don’t know who this message will meet. So I’m catering to all.

#psa #depression #mental health #mental illness #mental health support #support #mental support #anxiety #alcohol anonomys #narcotics anonomys #substance abuse #mental disorder #positive mental attitude #suicide help #suicide support #public service announcement #important

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