“I don’t know what I am doing with my life.” That has been the internal mantra of my mind for the past two months, some could argue my whole life. It’s felt more pressing lately to the point that it spiraled me into a deep depression earlier this month. I’ve always spoke of my hyper-awareness of how quickly time passes and it just keeps getting quicker. Then couple that with the knowledge that life is precious, we only get one go at it and we have no clue if every decision we make is pointing us in the right direction. It all becomes paralyzing to think about and then the waterfalls begin from my eyes. How do I know if I’m choosing the right paths, will I have any regrets in the future? I don’t know. And the reality is no one else knows either. And all the while time keeps passing.
Depression and I are always dancing a complicated number and there are always moments where everything feels heavy. It comes in waves and with each breaking I get better at treading water, knowing it will pass. To stay afloat, I channel all my feelings into creating, documenting, making some type of art. In the process I begin again to see the beauty of the world and the beauty it is to be alive. It’s my reminder that there are a million glittering miracles and beauties all around us. And by illustrating those beauties into some form of art I’m reminded that I am doing something with the time I have been given.
I write this to be transparent and to present my whole self and how I have been feeling the past months. I feel like I hide parts of me and my emotions on these platforms in order to appear more “appealing”, whatever that means (I’m forever a recovering people-pleaser). But the truth is I am a woman who carries a lot of emotion, a lot of laughs, a lot of melancholy, and a lot of love for so much in this world. I find myself many times overwhelmed by the abundance that is Life; all its beauty and tragedy. I’m deeply moved by every part of it, and I’m always trying to figure every part of it out.
I don’t know what I am doing with my life, and I may never find the answer. And that is okay. All I know is that I feel every moment so deeply and I will continue to create and capture those moments, because every moment is a story. And hopefully by illustrating the journey, you’ll enjoy the story too. I send you love and safety, and if you are going through similar feelings, it’s okay not to know. No one does. Just revel in the beauty of the moment.
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