#anandita talks about her emotions

[ajab-leher]

do you ever just have this ugly scary emotion that makes you feel so terrible? when you want sympathy and somehow express yourself in a way that gets you sympathy and then.

and then you feel like you manipulated someone into sympathizing with you, because somewhere it feels so wrong that you got it? that you got it because you wanted it and because you asked for it?

#anandita talks about her emotions #anandita don't overanalyse everything you cause or encounter challenge FAILED #anandita's sad hours #(i am not actively sad right now!!!! i found this tag and i'm gonna use it now ajahdhsh) #but like! the feeling i get when i feel like i have manipulated someone but logically i know that's not inherently menipulative to #yknow express your negative emotions because you want comfort or warmth or sympathy or sometimes #yeah i sometimes want my sadness to be seen as i feel it and like that's a form of wanting attention #and thinking of it like this #it really makes sense that i'd beat myself up over it because i appear to have some weird schema that tells me i cannot ask for attention #that if i get it ever it should be earned??? does that make any sense? #and just yeah i'm gonna sort through these emotions and grow healthier one day! #and maybe being aware is the first step to it? yeah! #and this makes me think i'm not as open emotionally? i had a phase where i used to very openly express my negative emotions #but that was unhealthy too because i wasn't anything but them? i used to feel sad and i kind of made that my whole identity? #but i think moving on from that phase i've begun to deflect my sadness even though i feel it very deeply #i don't want other people to see it and identify it with me #and maybe it's because i'm afraid i'll be perceived a certain way if i do and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable #or obliged to be gentler or kinder (or SYMPATHIZE ureka!!!!! or pity too ig) to me purely because i am sad #but i don't know how i want to be treated? or how i want people to tread around me? or how i want comfort? #and i'm gonna figure this out #by projecting these onto my characters and resolving them ahfhsjhd #look at me revolutionising psychotherapy! this is non-directive questioning my dudes! #(just kidding!!!!! I'M NOT QUALIFIED FOR THIS STUFF) #anandita challenges her core schemas! #(but i'm kinda proud about integrating elements of cognitive therapy in resolving my fanfiction's conflicts tho) #personal attack!