#and 2.) per usual - majority of my ideas lately are Not Safe For Work so my 18+ twitter has been getting all my rambles and art recently lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

flufffysocks · 3 years

Text

let's talk about andi mack's worldbuilding

sorry this took forever to make! i've been pretty busy with school stuff and i kind of lost my inspiration for a bit, but i ultimately really enjoyed writing it! i wish i could've included more pics (tumblr has a max of 10 per post), and it kinda turned from less of a mini analysis to more of an extremely long rant... but i hope it's still a fun read!

i've been rewatching the show over the past few weeks (thanks again to @disneymack for the link!), and i’ve been noticing a lot that i never did the first time around. this is really the first time i’ve watched the show from start to finish since it aired, and it honestly feels so different this time - probably a combination of the fact that i’m not as focused on plot and can appreciate the show as a whole, and also that the fandom is much, much smaller now, so there’s a lot less noise. so the way i’m consuming this show feels super different than it did the first time, but the show itself doesn’t - it’s just as warm and comforting to me as it was the first time around, if not more so.

i think a lot of that can be attributed to andi mack’s “worldbuilding”. i’m not quite sure that this is the right word in this context, to be honest, because i mostly see it used in reference to fantasy and sci-fi universes, but it just sort of feels right to me for andi mack, because you can really tell how much love and care went into constructing this universe. for clarity, worldbuilding is “the process of creating an imaginary world” in its simplest sense. there’s two main types: hard worldbuilding, which involves inventing entire universes, languages, people, cultures, places, foods, etc. from scratch (think “lord of the rings” or “dune”), and soft worldbuilding, in which the creators don’t explicitly state or explain much about the fictional universe, but rather let it’s nature reveal itself as the story progresses (think studio ghibli films). andi mack to me falls in the soft worldbuilding category. even though it takes place in a realistic fiction universe, there’s a lot of aspects to it that are inexplicably novel in really subtle ways.

so watching the show now, i’ve noticed that the worldbuilding comes primarily from two things - setting and props, and oftentimes the both of them in tandem (because a big part of setting in filmmaking does depend on the props placed in it!).

one of the most obvious examples is the spoon. it really is a sort of quintessential, tropic setting in that it's the main gang's "spot", which automatically gives it a warm and homey feel to it. and its set design only amplifies this:

the choice to make it a very traditional 50s-style diner creates a very nostalgic, retro feel to it, which is something that's really consistent throughout the show, as you'll see. from the round stools at the bar, to the booths, to the staff uniforms, this is very obvious. the thing that i found especially interesting about it though is the choice of color. the typical 50s diner is outfitted with metallic surfaces and red accented furnishings, but the spoon is very distinctly not this.

instead, it's dressed in vibrant teal and orange, giving it a very fresh and modern take on a classic look. so it still maintains that feeling of being funky and retro, but that doesn't retract from the fact that the show is set distinctly in modern times.

of course, this could just be a one-off quirky set piece, but this idea of modernizing and novelizing "retro" things is a really common motif throughout the show. take red rooster records. i mean, it's a record shop - need i say more? it's obviously a very prominent store in shadyside, at least for the main characters, but there's no apparent reason why it is (until season 2 when bowie starts working there, and jonah starts performing there). a lot of the time, though, it functions solely as a record shop. vinyl obviously isn't the most practical or convenient way of listening to music, but it's had its resurgence in pop culture even in the real world, mostly due to its aesthetic value, so it's safe to say that it serves the same purpose in the andi mack universe.

the fringe seems to be nostalgic of a different era, specifically the Y2K/early 2000s period (because it's meant to be bex's territory and symbolic of who she used to be, and its later transformation into cloud 10 is representative of her character arc, but that's beside the point). to be honest, exactly what this store was supposed to be always confused me. it was kind of a combination party store/clothing store/makeup store/beauty parlor? i think that's sort of the point of it though, it's supposed to feel very grunge-y and chaotic (within the confines of a relatively mellow-toned show, of course), and it's supposed to act as a sort of treasure chest of little curios that both make the place interesting and allow the characters to interact with it.

and, of course, there's andi shack. this is really the cherry on top of all of andi mack's sets, just because it's so distinctly andi. it serves such amazing narrative purpose for her (ex. the storyline where cece and ham were going to move - i really loved this because it highlights its place in the andi mack universe so well, and i'm a sucker for the paper cranes shot + i'm still salty that sadie's cranes didn't make it into the finale) and it's the perfect reflection of andi's character development because of how dynamic it is (the crafts and art supplies can get moved around or switched out, and there's always new creations visible).

going back to the nostalgia motif though, the "shack" aspect of it always struck me as very treehouse-like. personally, whenever i think of treehouses, there's this very golden sheen of childhood about it, if that makes sense. i've always seen treehouses in media as a sort of shelter for characters' youthful innocence and idealistic memories. for example, the episode "up a tree" from good luck charlie, the episode "treehouse" from modern family, and "to all the boys 2" all use a treehouse setting as a device to explore the character's desire to hold onto their perfect image of their childhood (side note: this exact theme is actually explored in andi mack in the episode "perfect day 2.0"!). andi shack is no exception to this, but it harnesses this childhood idealism in the same way that it captures the nostalgia of the 50s in the spoon, or the early 2000s in the fringe. it's not some image of a distant past being reflected through that setting; it's very present, and very alive, because it reflects andi as she is in the given moment.

some honorable mentions of more one-off settings include the ferris wheel (from "the snorpion"), the alley art gallery (from "a walker to remember"), SAVA, the color factory (from "it's a dilemna"), and my personal favorite, the cake shop (from "that syncing feeling").

[every time i watch this episode i want to eat those cakes so bad]

these settings have less of a distinctly nostalgic feel (especially the color factory, which is a very late 2010s, instagram era setting), but they all definitely have an aura of perfection about them. andi mack is all about bright, colorful visuals, and these settings really play to that, making the andi mack universe seem really fun and inviting, and frankly very instagrammable (literally so, when it comes to the color factory!).

props, on the other hand, are probably a much less obvious tool of worldbuilding. they definitely take up less space in the frame and are generally not as noticeable (i'm sure i'll have missed a bunch that will be great examples, but i'm kind of coming up with all of this off the top of my head), but they really tie everything together.

for example, bex's box, bex's polaroid, and the old tv at the mack apartment (the tv is usually only visible in the periphery of some shots, so you might not catch it at first glance) all complement that very retro aesthetic established through the settings (especially the polaroid and the tv, because there's really no good reason that the characters would otherwise be using these).

besides this, andi's artistic nature provides the perfect excuse for plenty of colorful, crafty props to amplify the visuals and the tone. obviously, as i discussed before, andi shack is the best example of this because it's filled with interesting props. but you also see bits of andi's (and other people's) crafts popping up throughout the show (ex. the tape on the fridge in the mack apartment, andi's and libby's headbands in "the new girls", walker's shoes, andi's phone case, and of course, the bracelet). not only does doing this really solidify this talent as an essential tenet of andi's character, but it also just makes the entirety of shadyside feel like an extension of andi shack. the whole town is a canvas for her crafts (or art, depending on how you want to look at it. i say it's both), and it immensely adds to shadyside's idealism. because who wouldn't want to live in a world made of andi mack's creations?

and, while it's not exactly a prop, the characters' wardrobe is undoubtedly a major influence on the show's worldbuilding. true to it's nature as a disney channel show, all of the characters are always dressed in exceptionally curated outfits of whatever the current trends are, making the show that much more visually appealing. i won't elaborate too much on this, because i could honestly write a whole other analysis on andi mack's fashion (my favorites are andi's and bex's outfits! and kudos to the costume designer(s) for creating such wonderful and in-character wardrobes!). but, i think it's a really really important aspect of how the show's universe is perceived, so it had to be touched upon.

[^ some of my favorite outfits from the show! i am so obsessed with andi's jacket in the finale, and i aspire to be at bex's level of being a leather jacket bisexual]

and lastly, phones. this is a bit of an interesting case (pun intended), because the way they're used fluctuates a bit throughout the show, but i definitely noticed that at least in the first season terri minsky tried to avoid using them altogether. these efforts at distancing from modern tech really grounds the show in it's idealist, nostalgia-heavy roots, so even when the characters start using their phones more later in the show, they don't alter the viewer's impression of the andi mack universe very much.

so, what does all of this have to do with worldbuilding? in andi mack's case, because it's set in a realistic universe and not a fantasy one, a lot of what sets it apart from the real world comes down to tone. because, as much as this world is based on our own, it really does feel separate from it, like an alternate reality that's just slightly more perfect than ours, which makes all the difference. it's the idealism in color and composition in andi mack's settings that makes it so unmistakably andi mack. even the weather is always sunny and perfect (which is incredibly ironic because the town is called shadyside - yes, i am very proud of that observation).

the andi mack universe resides somewhere in this perfect medium that makes it feel like a small town in the middle of nowhere (almost like hill valley in 1955 from "back to the future"), but at the same time like an enclave within a big city (because of its proximity to so many modern, unique, and honestly very classy looking establishments). it is, essentially, an unattainable dream land that tricks you into believing it is attainable because it's just real enough.

all this to say, andi mack does an amazing job of creating of polished, perfect world for its characters. this is pretty common among disney channel and nickelodeon shows, but because most other shows tend to be filmed in a studio with three-wall sets, andi mack is really set apart from them in that it automatically feels more real and tangible. it has its quintessential recurring locations, but it has far more of them (most disney/nick shows usually only have 3-4 recurring settings), and it has a lot more one-off locations. it's also a lot more considerate when it comes to its props, so rather than the show just looking garish and aggressively trendy, it has a distinctive style that's actually appropriate to the characters and the story. overall this creates the effect of expanding the universe, making shadyside feel like it really is a part of a wider world, rather than an artificial bubble. it's idealism is, first and foremost, grounded in reality, and that provides a basis for its brilliant, creative, and relatable storytelling.

tl;dr: andi mack's sets and props give it a very retro and nostalgic tone which makes its whole universe seem super perfect and i want to live there so bad!!

#andi mack #buffy driscoll #cyrus goodman #jonah beck #tj kippen #tyrus #ambi #bex mack #analysis #film analysis #disney channel

94 notes · View notes

svtxsoju · 4 years

Text

02. morning glory fizz | dear miss soju

ღ Synopsis: College is hard. Love is even harder. Good thing the students of Mansae University can write in to Miss Soju, the campus’ very own romance advice columnist! The only problem is she’s never been in a relationship. Ever. There’s no telling what kind of chaos she may cause in the love lives of several of MU’s most eligible bachelors. Too bad no one knows who she really is! ღ Characters/Pairings: college AU! Seventeen & OC’s, Joshua x baking major!OC, and more TBA! ღ Genre: Romantic Comedy, Slice of Life ღ Warning(s): Mentions of alcohol, suggestions of sex, language ღ Word Count: 4.9k words ღ Binu’s Note: a week late but better late than never i guess 😌 i’ve been avoiding tumblr to finish writing this, but i just kept getting distracted by choi seungcheol. hit that mf like button if you relate. i’m so excited for the special album y’all the teasers and concepts are so sadkfklsj i love seventeen

anyway, i apologize not only for the late update, BUT ALSO bc this chapter is also a lot of exposition again 😔🥺 i promise i’m done setting it all up and that some real shit will go down in the next chapter!! hopefully people will still be able to enjoy this chapter huhuhu 😭💗 if you’re reading this, i love u and i hope u have a good weekend!!

《 ⊛ Author’s Note & Credits ⊛ Disclaimer ⊛ Masterlist ⊛ 》

《 Previous ⊛ Next 》

Having already completed the first half of her college career, Joohyun was well aware of the value of sleep. And yet, like most college students, she could never seem to manage a decent sleeping schedule. She had only slept 2 hours when her alarm went off at 5:30AM. She groggily rolled out of bed, mentally cursing her past self for thinking that this was a good idea when clearly, the best idea at the moment was to snuggle back up under her covers and sleep in until afternoon. Only one of her eyes seemed capable of staying open as she pulled on her clothes and got ready for the day. When she suddenly heard the front door close behind her roommate, she cursed out loud, throwing her laptop into her bag before she rushed out the door. She half-wobbled, half-hopped along the second-story walkway while she tried to get her shoes all the way on.

“Bok Bongseon! Wait for me!” Joohyun called out in an aggressive whisper.

“HOLY SHIT! You scared me, Joo!” her roommate, a shorter girl with full cheeks and pouty lips, screamed at full volume. She clutched at her racing heart and leaned against the wall while she caught her breath.

“Shut up, people are still sleeping!” Joohyun linked arms with Bongseon and dragged her down the steps leading to the street. It was still dark outside, but she could already hear the faint bustling of the mart located below their apartment. It was nice to know that they weren’t the only two people in Seoul insane enough to be awake at this hour.

“I thought you were the ghost of my grandma, you bitch! You know she visits me in my dreams to tell me how disappointed she that I’m a baker,” Bongseon said indignantly, though she still cuddled closer to Joohyun when they were hit by the morning chill. Once they reached the street, they both headed towards the train station without having to say a word. “What are you even doing up?”

“I am simply accompanying my favorite roommate to work to make sure that she gets there safely,” Joohyun crooned sweetly, and made kissy faces at the girl, who in turn pinched Joohyun’s lips between her calloused fingers. She tried to protest but could only let out pained whines until she was mercifully released. “Ow!”

“Sorry but I cannot fulfill your roommates to lovers, 12k slowburn fantasy,” Bongseon continued on nonchalantly as they climbed down the steps to the platform. “You had your chance, but I am a taken girl!”

“Oh, so you and Josh are together today?” Joohyun teased. Although it probably wasn’t the best idea, considering her lips were slightly throbbing from the girl’s attack. “I’ll just wait until tomorrow then.”

��Wow, bold words coming from Miss Fish Lips.” Bongseon raised an eyebrow and smiled tauntingly. “Understandable, considering that that was probably the most action your lips have gotten in your entire life. I could probably set it up on a blind date with my fist, if you’d like.”

Joohyun’s laughter echoed off the walls of the mostly empty station, startling the only other person waiting for the morning train (an old woman, who was still half-asleep prior to being rudely awakened by two very loud girls). Bongseon often made some colorful threats, morning or not, but Joohyun was one of the very few people who could be assured that her words were empty. “Don’t you know that it’s rude to stare, lady?” she barked at the old woman, who was openly glaring at them. Everyone else, on the other hand, was subject to Bongseon’s sharp temper.

This even included her boyfriend of approximately 4 years. ‘Approximately’ being the key word, because the two often took breaks-- a natural phenomenon when one partner was easily provoked and the other loved to do the provoking. Jihoon had told Joohyun that the two had met at the cafe in their freshman year, when Bongseon came in as a part-time baker and Joshua was merely a barista trainee. They started dating within a month and moved into an apartment together in two. That went just as well as anyone would expect. By the grace of whatever entity that was chaotic enough to keep their relationship intact, they made it 7 months before nearly breaking things off for good. As luck would have it though, a new hire and his roommate were in the same exact predicament as them. Kind of.

Joohyun shuddered to recall her freshman year when she and Jihoon somehow convinced themselves that it was a good idea to share an apartment. In principle it made sense; they had lived across the street from each other since they were in diapers. Two exhausting months into trying to irritate the other into breaking the lease first, they met Bongseon and Joshua when Jihoon started working at Smile Flower. It didn’t take long for Joohyun to suggest the switch— she would move in with Bongseon and Joshua with Woozi. Just like that, she saved both Bongseon and Joshua’s turbulent romance (temporarily) and her and Woozi’s fractured friendship (now thriving).

She and Bongseon have been roommates ever since, and Joohyun knew her life was a little easier for it.

“Joohyun, you better stop looking at me with those heart eyes before I really act up,” Bongseon warned. They had boarded the train, but hadn’t bothered to sit down since Mansae University station was only two stops away.

“But I just love you so much,” Joohyun pouted, affectionately resting her head on her friend’s shoulder. “What does Joshua have that I don’t?”

“A dick. And that’s about it.”

“Damn you, heterosexuality!”

Bongseon snorted out a laugh. “Seriously Joo, how are you awake right now? You’re only ever this lovey-dovey when you’re severely sleep deprived. I know you don’t have classes until 3PM today. You also don’t have your internship today,” Bongseon narrowed her eyes when Joohyun visibly tensed up at the mention of her current occupation. “Also, since when do you watch Youtube videos until 2am? And don’t think I didn’t notice that all of them were titled ‘Relationship Q&A’s’ and ‘I confessed to my crush and he said this!!!’. Got something to tell me, missy?”

It was so quiet on the train that Joohyun worried that Bongseon could hear all the wires in her brain short-circuit. With Bongseon’s cross-examination skills, it was a wonder why she pursued baking instead of joining her family’s firm. Come on, Joohyun, just tell a white lie. Easy, simple. Don’t need to overcomplicate things. “Oh, uh I— um— well, I j-just thought they were entertaining?” She was done for.

“Right. You thought random couples self-indulgently talking about their love lifes for 40 minutes with default iMovies effects were entertaining.”

“Y-yes?” Joohyun threw in her most convincing smile for good measure, but it did nothing to soften Bongseon’s hard gaze. “It’s my new guilty pleasure, haha!”

“Hm, interesting,” Bongseon was momentarily interrupted by the sound of the arrival bell. Joohyun eagerly pulled her friend towards the exit, hoping that the distance from the train could also get her further away from the topic. Unfortunately for her, Bongseon did not plan on dropping it so soon. “You sure you don’t want to tell me anything, Joo? About your internship?”

Joohyun began to sweat. Was she really that transparent? “Okay, don’t get mad--”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m super jazzed that you’re getting into relationships and everything, but really Joo? Youtube? You could just talk to me if you need help talking to your new crush at your job!”

“Oh.” Joohyun would have let out a sigh of relief if she wasn’t out of breath from climbing the mountain of stairs up to the sidewalk. “Right. Confessing. To my crush. That I definitely have.”

“It’s okay to admit you have one, Joo. I’m no stranger to workplace romance,” Bongseon said, her breathing completely even. A measly flight of stairs was nothing compared to eight hours of kneading dough. “Who’s the lucky bastard, Joo?”

“Well, I’m not sure I would call it a workplace romance, per se…” Joohyun laughed nervously. There was no way she could stick another clean landing if she kept talking.

“Shut up, I bet that guy is in love with you already. Who wouldn’t fall for the only editing intern at The Front?”

“Haha, I don’t know…” Probably no one, because the only editing intern at The Front doesn’t exist?

Joohyun could not be more relieved to see the small store front of Smile Flower Cafe. It was one amongst the many cafes located near campus, but Joohyun felt like nothing really matched its comforting home-like ambience. But that probably had less to do with the soft wooden floors and pastel ceramic mugs, and more owed to the three years Joohyun had spent hanging around there, usually bothering Jihoon and joking around with Josh.

The two boys already stood waiting at the cafe’s entrance, too bleary-eyed to notice Joohyun and Bongseon quickly approaching. “Hey, ugly!” Joohyun called out, snickering when both of them turned to look at her.

“What the hell, why are you awake?”

“Good morning to you too, Jihoon,” she answered, blowing him a kiss. “I’m actually here to see you, believe it or not. Don’t you feel special?”

“Oh? That’s interesting, because you told me that you came here for me,” Bongseon broke away from exchanging actual kisses with Joshua to look between Joohyun and Jihoon in a way that Joohyun did not like too much. “I guess it wasn’t a workplace romance after all.”

Joshua mirrored his girlfriend’s implicating expression as he unlocked the front door, simply because he knew it made his friends squirm. “Wow Joohyun, you woke up this early just to talk to Jihoon? You really couldn’t wait to see him, huh?”

“Uh, yes because I need his help—”

“Ah, his help, gotcha! Come on, Bongseon, I’ll go help you in the kitchen while these two help each other out here,” Joshua snickered. Before Joohyun or Jihoon could roast the couple in retaliation, they had already disappeared behind the counter.

After years of similar taunts, all Jihoon could do was shake his head. “Okay Joo, what is so important that you need my help at 6 in the morning?”

“I wrote my first response last night!” Joohyun whispered excitedly, taking out her laptop from her bag. “Well, a few hours ago. I wanted to show you before continuing on with the rest! Here, look.”

① Dear Miss Soju,

I just started my first year at MU and she’s an exchange student from New York. We met at a party and talked for two hours about comics, aliens, anything we could think of. It was perfect. She even asked me to walk her home. When the time came for me to make a move though, I kind of dropped the ball. Since we had just met that night, I didn’t want to come off too strong. Now I really regret it - I don’t even have her phone number. I feel like such an idiot! I can’t stop thinking about her, but I don’t even know if I’ll ever talk to her again. Did I make myself seem disinterested? Will we meet again? Will she even remember me?

Sincerely,

Big Cringy Idiot

She let Jihoon read the asker’s message first, then scrolled down to show her answer.

Dear Big Cringy Idiot,

You and your crush seem to have a lot in common. There is nothing wrong with being nervous around someone you like. In fact, it is fairly normal and is a good sign that you like this girl very much. She also seems open to any future possiblities, since she did ask you to take her home. You need not worry about coming off too strong in this situation, although I do admire your dedication to respecting women’s boundaries. I hope you are able to find this girl again so that you can truly tell her how you feel. Best of luck to you!

Sincerely,

Miss Soju

“Joo, that was…”

“Poetic, beautiful, life-changing?” Joohyun grinned, and nudged her best friend with each suggestion.

“Boring. It was boring.” Joohyun’s face fell, and Jihoon could only offer the girl an apologetic smile. “Dude, you’re gonna put people to sleep if you keep it up like this. I almost took out a pillow to take a nap on the floor.”

“But this is how I write my articles— Informative and concise! How else am I supposed to write it?”

“I mean, that’s great for reporting articles, but this is an advice column. It’s supposed to be fun, sarcastic maybe. Like your promo piece! That was good.”

“I wrote that as a joke, hoping they would fire me for it,” Joohyun admitted, eyes wide in panic as she looked at her best friend.

“Huh. Well, I think it would sound better than this Wikipedia article you got going on,” Jihoon shrugged. “Try to be fun!”

“I am fun!” Joohyun cried out defensively, her nostrils flaring with passion. When Jihoon responded with a doubtful look, she let out a dramatic gasp and snatched up her laptop, stomping over to her favorite corner in the cafe. “I can be fun! I’ll show you fun!”

“Atta girl,” Jihoon’s signature cackle filled the cafe, further fueling the girl’s aggressive typing.

Just another morning in the life of So Joohyun.

To the surprise of the cafe’s current occupants, a student already tapped at the glass entrance, clearly in desperate need of his morning americano. He had walked all the way from the freshman dorms after a restless night of tossing and turning. When his phone screen told him it was already 6:05AM, he decided to just give up on sleep altogether. So there he was, trying to start off his day right, at Smile Flower Cafe, only to be stopped at the door by the grumpy barista with the red hair. He always felt like the other one was way nicer, especially since he would go out of his way to sneak him free cookie samples and made pleasant small talk while ringing him up (what was his name? Jonathan?).

All the red-haired barista ever did was scowl at him when he asked for a student discount. Now, he scowled at him as he gestured at the sign that indicated that the cafe would not be open until 7AM. The fatigued freshman had half a mind to make some choice gestures of his own, but he refrained and just whipped out his phone instead. He gave the mean barista one last pout before turning around and walking towards the 24-hour convenience store on campus.

➠ [ to: vernonie 😌😎 ] Good morning king. Are you still on your shift ?

➠ [ from: vernonie 😌😎 ] gm seungkwan pls k*ll me

Seungkwan took that as a yes. It didn’t take long for him to arrive, the entrance bell ringing lightly when he stepped into the small store. At the register sat his roommate, who was clearly fighting to keep his eyes open. “Wol-cuh ‘n—” he tried to greet through a wide-mouthed yawn. “Excuse me, welcome in! Oh, hey Seungkwan.”

Seungkwan answered with a grunt and headed straight for the refrigerated coffee section, choosing the largest can.

“Uh dude, you good? You look like—”

“Like I haven’t slept all night? I am aware,” He immediately opened his coffee and took a long gulp of the beverage in hopes of feeling even a little better. When it did nothing after 30 seconds, he frowned at the concerned cashier. “Vernon, I will not be paying for this drink, because it is clearly defective. Coffee is supposed to fix everything.”

“Is this about your audition today?” Vernon asked, eyebrows furrowed. “Your monologue sounded really solid last night though. Your audition songs were great too. You totally got this in the bag!”

“It’s not just about the audition, sweet Vernon,” Seungkwan sighed. “It’s about who I’m going to see at the audition. I still don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.”

“Oh yeah, you are probably going to see them later.” For the past week, all Seungkwan could talk about was the theater tech sophomore that he had met at the theater department’s welcome party. They had sat beside Seungkwan and had helped him through all the fast-paced drinking games, and even took some of his shots when he kept losing. Surely, this was what love felt like.

That was what Seungkwan hoped anyway, because whatever it was made him feel all warm and tingly inside (or it could have just been the alcohol). Nevertheless, he had made big plans to confess to his crush as soon as possible. His dilemma for the past several days was merely a matter of how it would be done. “Not probably! I know for a fact that they will be there, because they told me that they couldn’t wait to see me,” Seungkwan let out a wail and slumped over the counter. “They’re the sweetest, most beautiful person to ever walk the earth and I just want to tell them that I would actually jump off a bridge for them. Why is that so difficult?”

Vernon nodded sympathetically as he always did. “I mean, if you’re not ready today, maybe you could wait?”

“Wait?! No offense babe, but last time I checked, waiting didn’t get you anywhere,” Seungkwan said, patting his roommate’s arm. Vernon cringed as he was forced to remember his own romantic blunder from the past week. “Clearly, we are both in major need of help. That Woozi guy’s show didn’t do anything for us! Also, we still haven’t heard from that Miss Soju character and it’s been what? Two days? If she’s such an expert, she would know that love is time sensitive!”

“Ugh, I know. I keep refreshing The Front’s website just to see if she’s posted it yet.” Vernon sighed forlornly, which was a common punctuation to his sentences lately. “It’s getting me really antsy. What if she doesn’t even choose to answer our emails this time?”

Seungkwan quickly covered the other freshman’s mouth. “Don’t say that! The universe manifests what we say will happen. We should ask for divine intervention instead.” He cleared his throat in preparation and threw his hands up to the sky. “O Eros, god of love, please shine your blessings down upon my and Vernonie’s love lives for we are but two humble, clueless freshmen in need of romantic guidance. Send down two of your swiftest, sharpest arrows, so that those that we desire may hear your soft whispers—”

Ding. The sound of the entrance bell rang once more, stopping Seungkwan’s prayer short, much to his irritation. “Is this a bad time?” the new customer, an ethereally handsome blonde, asked amusedly. He strode into the store and grabbed two spicy tuna triangle kimbab’s before approaching the counter.

“Jeonghan hyung!”

“Ah, Vernon!” Jeonghan smiled. “I didn’t know you worked here. You should come by my and Cheol’s apartment again soon, that was fun!”

“Hyung, this is my roommate that I told you about-- Seungkwan. And Seungkwan, this is Seungcheol hyung’s roommate,” Vernon said all while ringing up Jeonghan’s food. On the side, Seungkwan bowed sheepishly after unfreezing from his previous pose. “How’s your morning going? You wake up pretty early!”

Jeonghan laughed heartily, shaking his head. “Oh no, I just finished an all-night stream. I just came by to get a snack before heading to bed. Seems like you two have been having a fun morning, though. Do you two always start your day off by praying to the ancient Greek god of desire?”

Seungkwan flushed a deep pink. “Uh no, it was more like a cry of desperation. Vernon and I are having a pretty tough time confessing to our crushes, so I figured we should just try out anything that might help us. Nothing else seems to be working…”

“Wait, that’s so cute,” Jeonghan cooed.

“Would you be able to give us some advice, hyung?” Vernon asked. He didn’t know anything about the senior’s love life, but he did give off the vibe of someone who would know… a lot.

Jeonghan’s eyes twinkled dangerously, a lazy smirk on his lips. “I mean, I could go talk to your little crushes for you, if you’d like. I’m sure I could get some sort of response out of them.”

One look at Jeonghan had Vernon and Seungkwan shaking their heads vehemently.

“No, we’re good.”

“Yeah, no thanks.”

“Mm, good call.” Jeonghan took his food from the counter, and winked at the two boys. “I really wish I could help you both more, but I’m sure you’ll get what you’re waiting for soon! Today, if you want it enough.”

There was something in the way that the senior stated those words that made Seungkwan believe him without a question. It wasn’t a naive suggestion or an optimistic prediction; Jeonghan spoke like it was the truth plainly written on the walls. He finally felt a long-awaited wave exhaustion wash over his anxieties, softening them until they fizzled away alongside the ebbing foam. All that was left behind were grains of sand. Suddenly, Seungkwan yawned, and he wanted nothing more than to curl up in his twin bed at the dorms.

“Well, I should be heading off to bed! Looks like you should be too, Seungkwan,” Jeonghan said, suppressing his own yawn. The freshman nodded in agreement. He definitely needed to rest up— this was going to be a big day, after all.

“Say hi to Cheol hyung for me when you get home!” Vernon said.

Jeonghan hummed thoughtfully as he made his way back to the entrance of the store. “I will if he’s there! He didn’t come home last night.” He turned to leave the boys with one last sleepy smile, seeming to laugh at something only he knew.

“At least one of us is doing something right.”

“Jihoon, why can’t I get this right?”

“I’m sorry! This just sounds nothing like you,” Jihoon shrugged. It had been a rather busy morning, but things slowed down as it approached noon, giving him the chance to look at Joohyun’s fourth draft of responses. “I’ve never heard you say stuff like ‘rad’ or ‘hella’... Like are you aware that you sound like a skater from the late 90’s?”

“That’s because the reference I’ve been using is from 1997!” Joohyun huffed in frustration. She was already backspacing albeit with a little more force than necessary. “I wasn’t even born in ‘97!”

“Exactly, so stop trying to write like that. What if you tried to—”

“Eat my ass, Hong!” The sound of the kitchen door slamming open interrupted Jihoon’s (probably unhelpful) suggestion, and the two best friends watched as Bongseon stormed out of the cafe in a familiar rage. Luckily, there were no customers to witness it this time.

Instinctively, they looked to the kitchen door, where Joshua stood with a resigned smile on his full lips. “Oops,” he said, scratching at the back of his neck apologetically. “Guess it was too soon to joke about our last break. Sorry about that, Jihoon. I’ll try to call in the head baker early to finish up the rest of the pastries for today.”

He walked over to where they sat and plopped himself across from Joohyun. She offered Joshua a look of sympathy, but he responded by twisting his face up in a dumb expression, reassuring her that he was just fine. Still, she couldn’t help feeling worried for both of her friends. No matter how many times Bongseon and Joshua broke it off and no matter how much Joohyun joked about it, she knew that their strong feelings for each other meant that it hurt a little every time they got into a fight. At least, that’s what she gathered from the various nights she spent soothing Bongseon while the girl cried into a toilet bowl, soju bottle still in hand.

“It’s okay, Josh, you probably don’t have to worry too much. Knowing her, she’ll probably be back in 30 minutes to make up with you and then Jihoon will have to find someone to take over your shift,” Joohyun piped up. “But please take it back to your apartment this time, because I don’t make enough money to have every surface of my apartment sanitized again.”

Joshua let out an easy laugh, as though he were not a man in deep shit. “Thank you, Joo. You always know what to say to make me feel better,” he sighed. “I should probably go after her. I’ll be back soon, Jihoon!”

She waited for him to disappear out the door before turning to her best friend. “Wow, that’s gotta be a new record for them, right? I didn’t even know they got back together until this morning.” Joohyun was surprised to find that Jihoon had been silently staring at her for a good minute now. “...Why are you looking at me?”

“What you said to Joshua,” Jihoon simply replied.

“Oh, I was only joking about the sanitation thing. I just walked in on them once in the kitchen—“

“No I mean, how you said it. Maybe that’s how you should be writing your responses.” Jihoon grinned, watching as Joohyun gave him that look again, the one where she looks at him like he’s speaking from a third head. But he knew that this was going to be another Jihoon Genius moment, which seemed to be happening more frequently lately, much to his satisfaction. “Like you’re talking to one of your friends. I mean, it made Josh feel better, right?”

Joohyun’s eyebrows scrunched together and she mulled the idea over. Without another word to Jihoon, she began to slowly type on her laptop, gradually tapping faster and faster as she gained momentum. Her best friend giddily returned to his place behind the counter to tend to the customers that just walked in. He knew that once she got into a groove, there was no hope of stopping her.

An hour later, Joohyun finally pushed away her laptop and waited for Jihoon to finish wiping down a table before calling him over. For some reason, she was anxious to show him the final product and even when he already sat besie her, she hesitated for a beat. Usually, her writing was professional and objective, always ending with a declarative period. She had spent years perfecting her reporting style so that when she presented the facts, that’s all they were. This, however, felt personal, like it was a part of her. And even though Jihoon probably knew her even better than herself sometimes, there was something so vulnerable about showing someone a side of her that she had only just discovered.

And yet, she was curious to know— desperate to know: was it any good?

“Well?” Joohyun watched for Jihoon’s reaction closely, both impatient and terrified to hear his thoughts.

“Joohyun, this...” Jihoon started slowly. She braced for impact. “This is it. I think you’ve found Miss Soju’s voice.”

She exhaled. “R-really?”

“Yes, really. You answered the questions so thoughtfully, so you know it’s not just some generic bullshit you found on the internet. Plus, it was fun to read, like I think I’d read this even if I didn’t send a letter in,” Jihoon gushed, all while skimming over the words again. He turned to smile brightly at her, reminding Joohyun of a much younger Jihoon back in their elementary school days. “Most importantly though, it’s so you.”

Joohyun returned the smile, just as brightly. Warmth bloomed in her chest and across her cheeks. “Thanks, Jihoon, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Honestly, me neither,” Jihoon laughed.

“Um, can I ask you one more thing though?” Joohyun scrolled down to the last two entries, both of which asked for advice on how to make things official with a guy they’ve been talking to. The two letters were extremely similar in detail, but had been sent from two different emails and two different signatures. At first, she thought that maybe her judgement was muddled by her lack of sleep, and as the day went on, she figured her inability to recognize any nuance between the two letters was thanks her lack of experience.

There was just something about the way they had described the boy. She knew that intelligent, funny, kind-hearted, and unbelievably handsome were pretty generic adjectives. But what were the odds for both letters to also mention his infectious laugh and deep, dark eyes? “Do you think these two are from the same person? I’m trying to go for a confession theme for this article, so I included them both, but I’m afraid they’re too similar.”

Jihoon read them over a couple of times, then shrugged. “They do sound pretty similar, but a lot of people go through that sort of thing. Also, so many people describe their crushes like that, but let’s be real, most of them end up being fuckboys. So trust me, both those people probably need your help. I mean, what’s the harm in publishing both, right?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Joohyun bit her lip, needing every ounce of reassurance she could get from her best friend. She read over her writing once, twice, thrice more. This was it. No more edits and no more excuses. Her finger hovered over the mousepad. “Okay, I”m going to send it in for approval now. Jihoon, you are about to witness me publish my first article for The Front.”

Joohyun took a deep breath and clicked. Finally.

28 notes · View notes

dlamp-dictator · 3 years

Text

Allen X’s Gacha Rules for a ‘Good’ Gacha Game (Featuring Arknights)

Hey look, that Arknights essay came quicker than I thought.

Continuing on my goal of finishing up all my years-old drafts by the end of February, I think it’s pretty damn convenient that I glanced over this half-finished opinion piece just in time for the next limited banner for Arknight’s CN server to be announced. This is a topic I’ve been wanting to cover for awhile now. If there was anything that was a decent marker for Allen X’s gaming experience these past 4-ish years it was the fact that he got real into Gacha Games. I’ve dipped my toe into quite a few different Gacha phone games over the years. AFK Arena, Granblue Fantasy, Girls Frontline, and even an Ikkitousen gacha game at one point. And of course Arknights, which is my current main gacha game at the moment.

Honestly, the only thing I didn’t play was Fate/Grand Order, and for damn good reason, but one thing at a time.

Anyway, with all that time I spent playing these games I’ve slowly given myself a ruleset and mindset for how I handle these gacha games. And I figured I’d talk about how I go about playing some of them, some of the experiences I’ve gained, and what I look into when it comes to the money portion of playing a ‘free-to-play’ game. I’ll mostly be talking about Arknights since it’s the main gacha game I’ve been playing for the past year and I don’t play two of these at once for damn good reason.

So, with that all said, let’s start off with...

Point 1: Methods of Ten-Pulls

For those new, the typical loop for most gacha games is to roll for rare characters and use them to complete segments of the game, whether for their looks, stats, or playstyle (but mostly looks). The characters themselves are usually drawn in an attractive and appealing way, along with having abilities and statistics that are desirable from a gameplay perspective, at least those of a higher rarity. The more you pull and buy into the gacha, the higher the chance you get for a rare character. Some games have deals where you pull can pull for free with some in-game resource like Girls Frontline, and more commonly the game encourages you to pull 10 at a time to increase your chances.

For any good gacha game, I feel you should be able to pull for free at a fair rate. That varies a lot depending the game mechanics at play, how the game handles duplicate pulls, the rarity rate of gacha pulls, and so on, but in general if you can pull 10 times every two weeks I’ll consider the game fair, at least on that front.

Arknights is actually a pretty good example of this. Headhunting aside, you can pull 4 times a day using in-game resources in the recruitment section of the menu, but those pulls tend to be a lot more common and not viable in the endgame like some of the ones you get in headhunting. And even without the recruitment section you can usually ten-pull about twice a month if you do the daily and weekly missions plus the weekly Annihilation missions. When I first discussed Arknights in this regard I had some confusion about how Annihilation worked and assumed it reset monthly. I apologize if I misled people with that statement.

Anyway, by doing all the activities and missions that give you Orundum, the gacha currency, you should be able to collection about 10,000 Orundum every month, which is one guaranteed ten-pull a month. This is a little under what I would had preferred for Arknights and there’s a good chance I’m missing a free source of Orundum somewhere (and I’m rounding down to play it safe), but... it’s fair enough.

But onto my second point.

Point 2: Premium Currency in Relation to Real-World Currency.

In short, I should have a clear idea how much it cost to pull a character if I was going to whale. Typically, in most gacha games you can purchase a premium currency in order to pull characters with real world money. The amount can vary from game to game, but there should be a clear idea of how much it cost to pull for a character.

As a free-to-play game, most gacha games do need some kind of reliable income. Let’s be real here, this game doesn’t run on happiness and sunshine and I don’t mind giving money to products I want to see succeed and continue, but if it takes 20 bucks to ten-pull I’m going to find that ridiculous unless the gacha rate is in highly my favor.

Arknights uses Originium Prime as it’s premium currency, an item that can be transferred into 180 Orundum per unit. One Originium Prime costs one dollar. You need about 33 Originium Prime to get the 6,000 Orundum needed to pull ten times, or a little over 3 Originium Prime to pull once using 600 Orundum. This means on average it costs around $33 to pull on command.

This is absurd for a tower defense game.

Now, Originium Prime does a lot more than let you engage with the gacha, but the brass tacks of this is that for every ten-pull you do you could just as easily get 3 games off a Steam sale, maybe more. I also think I should note that Arknight’s store lets you buy 40 Originium Prime for $30 as a bundle, cutting that cost to about 75 cents per Originium Prime. There’s also an option for 66 Originium Prime for $50, but that for just a little over 75 cents per Originium Prime if my math is correct. Either way, Arknights is asking for quite the price to engage in one of its main mechanics.

And yes, you can gain Originium Prime in game by perfect-clearing stages and clearing the challenge modes, but there’s a finite a moment of those stages and events maps are pretty scarce in Arknights, coming around once every two-ish months with about 15-20 chances for Originium Prime. As a casual player this is... fine, but for folks that rush the endgame this is... a tad much.

Now, I’m a casual player. I don’t rush to the latest content and I don’t try and min-max a gacha game of all things. As much I mostly just buy a monthly pack that grants me about 300 Orundum for free daily for 30 days and 6 Originium Prime upon purchase. This makes the grind a little easier and it’s a cheap way to show monetary support to the development team. However, I do recognize there are people that do these min-max and rush content and my opinion of these folks aside I think those folks probably spend the most money as well, undeservedly so. But this is more a discussion of the individual person and not the gacha community as a whole.

So... moving on...

Point 3: Late Game Viability as a Free-to-Play

To me, it should never feel like you need the gacha to finish the game or get to the endgame content. For a free to play game, you should be able to at least finish the initial pre-update content without needing to try and a pull a rare character to get you through a hard segment of the game. Events and Post-Launch stuff have a bit of wiggle room, but overall I don’t think you should need a team of the rarest characters to just beat the game, at least not a meta-team. That doesn’t mean the desire to pull can’t be there, but at least for the launch-content, you should be able to finish it out as a free-to-play player. Thankfully, most games (most good games) will give you a pretty decent team to work with if you truly have bad luck with rolls. Girls Frontline is a good example of this.

Arknights... isn’t as generous as I’d like it to be.

In Arknights, by the end of Chapter 4, with limited engagement of the Gacha, you’ll have handful of 4-Stars that can be leveled to the late game with decent stats, Amiya, and an assortment of 3 stars that can technically get you through those first four chapters if used and placed wisely. But some four stars like Gavial, Courier, and Dur-nar are time-limited if I remember correctly, so as of me typing this there’s no reliable way to get some of those characters.

Meanwhile, in Girls Frontline you got most of team Anti-Rain by the mid-game pre-updates, a group of 4-star guns that had already great utility and with half of their members being in the meta of the pre-update endgame content, and are still viable to this day if I remember correctly.

This is a major point of contention I have with Arknights. I think they’re fairer than most gacha games, but I’ll admit they don’t like giving handouts, not as many as I’d prefer anyway. Even the stingy AFK Arena gave you more stuff after maintenance updates and the like, and I hate the fact that I complimented AFK Arena on anything.

But onto my last point.

Point 4: 5-Star/SSR Rates Must be Around 4% or Higher.

This is the main reason I’ll never touch F/GO (along with other reasons). Every gacha game should, statistically, guarantee a five-star/SSR/highest-tier rarity after 30 pulls. Any more than that and you’re playing with a rigged slot machine by my standards. Like I said, the main goal of most gacha games is to get you pulling for these are fancily drawn jpegs and pngs, and while those characters technically have gameplay function and even limited animation in certain non-gameplay settings, they’re still pictures nonetheless. And if I have to dip more than 30 times to get something good then what’s the point.

Again, using Arknights, their 5-Stars are at a rather generous 8%, but their 6-Stars being at a tad crueler 2%. By all accounts, I shouldn’t be touching Arknights because of this, but due to the nature of how busted Six-Stars are and a few other details like base functions, potential levels, and some other factors in Arknights gameplay, I let this slide for the moment.

Regardless, I shouldn’t take more than 20 pulls to get a highly rated unit of some sort. The details of the specific unit can be discussed at a later date, but my point remains.

Also, any gacha game that mixes accessories and characters in the same pull pool is equally unplayable. Characters have utility and gameplay functions that can be used for multiple strategies and methods, along with out-of-game benefits ala the base mechanics of Arknights depending on the game. Accessories and items are stat buffs in game where grinding levels is already purposely tedious. Anything making that act more of a hinderance is honestly trying to rob you blind and should be avoided like the plague.

Now... one more thing to talk about.

About Arknights Specifically

You know... between me bitching about Chapter 7, bitching about Chapter 6, bitching about 7-18, and bitching about Code of Brawl I get the feeling you all think I hate Arknights.

Trust me, I only whine and moan because I love this game and the people who made it, I wouldn’t waste my breath or keystrokes otherwise.

That said, I would like to see some things change about Arknights on a foundational level. I’ll try and keep this short, but no promises.

Endgame Team for Free

This is the team you have to work with for 6-7 because of story reasons and I think this team should gained for free to by the end of chapter 6, everyone in this squad should be in your rooster by the end. Even Blaze, her kit is good, but not as busted as Silverash so she wouldn’t shatter the game’s difficulty. This team overall is very well balanced for end game content and has all the essentials to get through it. E2 medics and guards, cheap vanguards and defenders for last minute placements to stall, a good sniper that can do solid burst damage, some specialists just in case you need to manipulate enemy movement and path detection. I believe you can get Rope, FEater, and Myrrh free, but Blaze and Greythroat for reliable lategame damage feels like a must. And I see nothing wrong with giving out those two for free anyway, especially for what was near endgame content at the time and how pivotal Blaze and Greythroat were to the storyline of Chapter 6. And yes I feel the same way about Rosmontis in Chapter 7 too. She’s actually a pretty niche unit and a 6-Star that’s expensive to upgrade, just having her in your pocket wouldn’t shatter the game like it would be if you gave us, again, Silverash.

Gacha Rates

I think arguing for cheaper prices with the Originium Prime is a fools errand because corporations will never listen, but I’ll at least say this. The rules of the gacha that followed the WWE Banner should be for all future banner. You should get a banner-specific currency that lets you outright buy the rare units on said banner if you have bad enough luck. You needed to pull 300 times to get W or Weedy and about 50 times to get Elysium. I feel like both of these should be cut in half. Going by the math I previously did counting that requirement in half would mean only doing 15 ten-pulls, about 495 Originium Prime (89,100 Orundum) or a little over $370 for a limited operator.

This is still absurd for a tower defense game, but it is a far more fair than the original system.

Other Small Quality of Life Changes

A quick pull for recruitment operators so we don’t have to see the bag animation 4 times over. Girls Frontline had something similar by the time I left and it was all the better for it.

A similar form of auto-play to Girls Frontline where you can send in one of your 4 squads to auto play a map off screen a number of times and come back later when they’re down for materials at the cost of extra sanity.

Have a Orundum be a log-in reward. Again, something Girls Frontline did and I think coughing out 1,000 Orundum once a week wouldn’t kill anyone.

Buff Amiya goddammit. Either remove/shorten the stun on her S2 to make her have reliable (if random) magical burst damage or remove the instant retreat on her S3 so she can become a hard-hitting damage unit at the cost of a high SP cost and cooldown timer. Don’t give major drawbacks to your only non-event free 5-Star when Silverash exists. When Click and Haze has more viability than your main character you have a problem.

Anyway, that’ll be it for me. Next time... I talk about something that isn’t me bitching.

#your dictator is speaking #arknights

10 notes · View notes

northwestofinsanity · 3 years

Text

I was tagged by @ritchieblackless Thank you!

1. Why did you choose your url?

The “Northwest” comes from “Northwestern”. As far as that part goes, it’s a long, complicated story, involving a character from some original stories I used to write for my younger cousins when they were kids, and my favorite vessel on Deadliest Catch (it used to be a good show). “Insanity” comes from exactly what it sounds like. I’m never fully sane... but majority of the time, I’m not entirely insane, so I played a pun on what became my online name to suggest I’m just a little up the road to the north and west of true insanity.

2. Any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

None so far.

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

February 2017... so that’s a little over 4 years as of now.

4. Do you have a queue tag?

No, and I don’t really use the queue. I’m not active enough on Tumblr to have much use for it, and I pretty much just post whenever the mood strikes me, and when I have time to search and focus on what my hyperfixation du jour is.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

The community I was in on DeviantArt (not band-related) was melting down in a really nasty way, and one of my closer friends there became abusive, so once I got everything I was in charge of there handed over, I abandoned my account. I was in some *intense* emotional pain, and I needed distraction, and distance from the fandom. I basically came to Tumblr to hyperfixate on my favorite bands more -it was something I’d considered, but didn’t have the time before that to commit to it.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

My icon is Jeff Pilson and George Lynch. Dokken was one of the bands I was most hyperfixated on in 2017, and they, along with a friend who is also a fan of them, really were helping me get through that hard time when I made this account. Besides that, Jeff and George have a really wholesome friendship despite the turbulent history of Dokken. As for my pfp, I just chose generic guitars I found on Google Images to create a minimalist background. I have a tight data limit, and I tend to force every ounce of life out of my devices, so I make my own stuff as easy to load as possible, and most likely to function even if an outdated, semi-incompatible browser doesn’t format things quite right.

7. Why did you choose your header?

“Classic Rockhaven” (I assume that’s the header?) comes from my love for classic rock, and the idea of rock and roll being a safe-haven for me at the time. “Rockhaven” also closely resembles the name of a neighborhood a few miles away from my own in my hometown, so I knew it would flow right.

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I have 14 as of now. I’ve lost a few due to some people leaving, or switching accounts

10. How many followers do you have?

429. Some are unfortunately fomer-porn accounts I haven’t had a chance to weed out and block. A good number are just empty, lurker accounts as well, but as long as those followers are enjoying classic rock content, that’s fine by me. I’m grateful for the followers I have who do enjoy and interact with my posts.

11. How many people do you follow?

Officially, 38, but there are a good number of accounts I “unofficially” follow, by visiting blogs every night I have the chance. I’d love to follow more, and am looking to officially follow a few of those, since a few of the people I already follow have gone inactive or left. With my lifestyle, and data limits, I just have a hard time keeping up with my dashboard even with the tiny amount of people I follow, so I like to really get to know blogs first, and then slowly add them to my follow list so I don’t get overwhelmed.

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

I believe so, depending on where you draw the line on that. (at least in my definition, I have). Do snarky posts about Tumblr’s glitches and that time I drowned my phone at work count? Or the crazy, crack-fic cartoons I drew in quarantine?

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

On my weekends/off-days, whenever I want and can. On my 12-hour workdays, I check my dash before I leave home, once over data while I’m on my lunch break, and then at least once when I get home. If I’m getting home on time, and not late because the evening ran long, I’ll check on blogs I watch without following yet.

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Not that I’m aware of... I’ve made neutral posts discouraging other blogs from fighting though, because I’ve seen plenty of traumatic things internet fights can lead to in the events leading to me joining here, and I don’t want to see anyone go through that when usually, nobody wins. At best, I think I had someone misunderstand what I said on a post where there was affectionate teasing of a certain 80s guitarist, and I meant to play along with the joke to say “don’t tease him, he’s a nervous wreck” -and added some band history for any watchers who didn’t know the story behind why said guitarist is so nervous... but it didn’t come to anything.

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

9 times out of 10, I agree with what they’re saying, but I don’t like reblogging these things, because it feels like it’s being crammed down everyone’s throat -I’m much more receptive to things that don’t feel forced, along with plenty others. To begin with, they’re not really what I’m here for. Tumblr is a place I joined for a mental escape from the world’s problems -not a place to ruminate on them. And when I’m seeing them when I’m half-mentally numb in the middle of a 12-hour shift with only 1 gigabyte per month of data to work with, or when I’m home after that day and dead on my feet, it just turns me off.

16. Do you like tag games?

I like doing them when I have the time at home to sit down and do them over Wi-fi. The only thing I’m iffy with is tagging others, because I don’t want to make someone feel pressured into doing it.

17. Do you like ask games?

As long as the questions aren’t about a certain few things I will not share about, I have fun with those. I just have to find one to reblog from someone I follow that comes up at a time I know I’ll have time at home to answer.

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I don’t know if anyone truly is, but @mccoys-killer-queen ’s sideblog is pretty well known.

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

No, but I do care for a number of my mutuals (including a couple I haven’t officially followed yet) a great deal, and can say I wish nothing but happiness for them, and if they were to leave, I would truly miss them (but also support it if they deemed it best -as I have with a few past mutuals).

20. Tags

Anybody who wants to!

#tagged #tag game

2 notes · View notes

lovebynorth · 4 years

Text

So can we talk later?

Soft/tipsy!Brad

Synopsis: You’re in UNI and work as a part time Uber-driver during the weekends. A late Friday evening you meet Brad.

STATUS: PUBLISHED

Words: 1337

(Not proofread)

(Y/N) POV:

You check your phone as the girls leave the car. You’re hoping for at least one more ride before you call it a night.

“Have a great night ladies!” You wave them off as they say their thanks and slam the car door shut. Well, that’s one way of describing your workday.

The whole idea with being an Uber driver in UNI was to actually find a way to make some extra cash since living in London is expensive. You usually just drive people from the same UNI as you, but every now and again some other cliques make their way into your car. Your most driven route is campus - Ballie Ballerson Shoreditch which is the most visited club in your friend group. You always end up there, so it’s nice knowing people you care about get home safely (and for some coins).

You’ve parked the car not far from the entrance and you see how the bouncer is waving for the girls, that you just had dropped off, to step forward to the next section. One in, one out. Covid really screwed nightlife over. You’re skipping to the next song and refreshing the Uber app. A yawn escapes your lips while you’re scrolling through the dark map on your phone. Just a few people online. You click their profiles and make your decision based on their score and where they’re going. You take a few extra minutes to yourself before hitting confirm route. Back on the road again.

You see a guy waiting outside a steakhouse with his head deeply focused on his screen. He seems to be typing something. You drive up to him and start lowering your window down in hopes of him noticing you. “Brad?” you then say and his gaze leaves his phone, meeting your eyes.

“Oh hi! I’m sorry I got a bit carried away with this text-.., sorry again. (Y/N) was it?”

“Yeah, that’s me. How are you?” you say, shooting him a smile.

“Wonderful! I’m good, thanks, you?” he beams, opening the car door. “I didn’t expect anyone to pull up so quickly” he then adds, chuckling.

I let out a quiet laugh.

“I’m alright, was just contemplating whether I was going to call it a night or not, but saw you’re heading the same way as me so thought I’d be kind and give you a ride” I say, smiling.

“Haha, that’s so nice of you. Yeah I’m just heading over to some mates for a few beers. They live near the university” he says and I nodd.

We drive for a bit and Brad’s notifications are the only sounds filling the car.

“So what’s your major?” you then say since he mentioned university.

Brad chuckles. “Oh haha, no I’m not in uni. I have some friends from home who studies there”

“Oh.., I assumed you were haha. You look like some of the communication majors at campus, haha. Maybe literature even” I point out and he laughs.

“Really? I’ll take it” he responds.

“Yeah” I breathe out, smirking a little.

“Bold of you to assume that haha” he says, facepalming. “Nah, but you’re not far from wrong. I make music and write stuff so not far off”

“Oo, are you any good?” I ask and he nods confidently.

“We’re alright, I do the singing mostly haha. I play guitar and keyboard as well”

“Okay, go off! that’s cool!” I say, nodding as I make an impressed face.

“Yeah, well I’m in a band so I guess we lean on each other for support. I’m not in it alone thankfully.” Brad says whilst responding to texts. He sighs heavily.

Silence fills the car again. “Rough night?” I then ask.

He sighs again.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just hard to compromise with my bandmates sometimes because I’m usually the one that agrees to ideas instead of actually bringing things to the table”

I shake my head, giggling. He then realises what he had just said.

“No no, it’s not like i’m some lazy piece of shit and not coming with ideas, but I’m just better at listening and accepting stuff..,-” he scratches his forehead. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. We just met haha”

Your smile faded. He was right, you two had just met, yet he was so unaware of how much he had improved your mood.

“You’re right, haha, sorry for..,- I don’t know, intruding?” I say in an asking tone.

“It’s alright,” he responds.

Awkward.

“You’re really good at making your customers feel comfortable,” he says and I start laughing.

“Hahaha”

“OH no, dear god” I look over at him, noticing his adorable smile. Poor guy, he’s blushing. “I’m sorry, I’ve had a few beers already. Please ignore me” he facepalms again.

You’re shaking your head with a smile playing on your lips.

“You’re definitely good with words. You must be a phenomenal songwriter” you tease him.

“Hey” he exclaims and you laugh. “Fair enough, I deserved that”

“Don’t worry, I’m just teasing. I’m sure you’re great” He chuckles and says thanks.

You look over at your phone to check the directions as you guys are approaching the university. If you turn left on this street you’re pretty close to your apartment.

“They live in an apartment complex down this street on the left,” he says, pointing to the opposite side of the road you’re driving on.

You look at him confused.

“You mean on the right, here, but left side of the road?” you ask.

“Oh shit, yeah, sorry. Turn right here and then left side of the road.”

“Roger that!” you say and he giggles.

“Ay this might come off as weird nd creepy, but do you have snap or socials?” he then asks and you’re caught a bit off guard.

“Uh-”

“You don’t have to answer. I just find you really cool” he says, smiling. “-and this is not the few beers speaking”

“haha, I mean let me end the ride first and then I guess we can talk”

“Yes ma’m”

You park the car and press on your phone to end the ride.

“You better give me a good score” you say, smirking down at your phone.

“I’ll give you a good score if you give me your number”

You gasp, shaking your head smiling. “smooth, young man”

“You can have my Instagram” you then say. “It’s (Y/User/N)”

“I’ll follow you when I’m at my mates”

“Okay cool!” You say, looking at him with a smile. He returns it.

You lock your door as you walk across the room to reach your bed. You lived in a small student apartment. Some of your friends lived either in the same apartment complex or across the street which was really nice.

Your body hits the soft mattress and you immediately start scrolling through your socials. You refresh your DMs on Instagram countless times eager to hear from the charming Uber boy.

Silly me, It really has come down to this huh, you think.

But there it was, the waiting game was over.

bradleywillsimpson

‘Hey it’s me from the Uber ☺️’

You click his name before responding to anything and as soon as you see his profile your mouth falls open.

1.5M followers. Who have you just met? - you think with your thoughts going a-thousand miles per hour.

You start of with commenting on the fact that he completely missed out on letting you in on the information that he’s famous.

(See conversation below)

You catch yourself smiling in the reflection of the phone screen.

This guy really made a good impression on me, you think dropping your phone onto the mattress.

‘Buzz’

You check your phone again, already mentally opening your Instagram DMs.

‘Thank you (Y/N)! Have a good night as well. Here’s my snapchat (Brad’s/Snapchat/Name) if you wanna talk more casually☺️ my DMs get pretty fucked easily..”

‘Talk later!!’

You stare at the username for a solid minute.

Oh my god, what is tonight?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

There will be some sort of part 2 to this. Hope you like it! Make sure to LIKE and REBLOG if you want☺️

#brad simpson #bradley simpson #connor ball #james mcvey #the vamps #tristan evans #the vamps imagine #brad simpson one shot #brad simpson x y/n #brad simpson imagine

29 notes · View notes

iron--spider · 4 years

Text

Without further ado—here are my book jacket summaries. SEND ME YOUR VOTE IN AN ASK! And the winner will (most likely) be my next big fic, which won’t be for a little bit because of my friend’s wedding events. But it will be coming soon :) You can definitely ask questions but I can’t necessarily say I’ll answer them because 1. I don’t know every detail about these quite yet, though I do know the general beginning, middle, end 2. I don’t wanna spoil them completely. Please don’t steal this shit lmao I’M TRUSTING Y’ALL.

IDEA A.

(Endgame AU, future fic, older Peter Parker, Morgan included, Peter/MJ romance, Drama/Mystery)

Tony Stark is dead. Lost almost ten years ago, and not to Thanos or any Avengers level threat, but in a clash with the Green Goblin that Peter regrets every morning when he wakes up and every night when he goes to sleep. Being Tony’s protege meant that most of Tony’s tech went to Peter, and on one of his more melancholy days, Peter goes through Tony’s old workshops, and digs up one of Tony’s inventions that he doesn’t recognize or remember. And once he turns it on, he realizes it must be some kind of communication device—and he gets the surprise of his life when he connects immediately with a familiar voice.

Tony’s voice.

After some panic, some anger, some accusations, Peter realizes it isn’t a trick. Peter realizes that he’s actually speaking to Tony. Tony, from the past. Tony, three days before the day of his death.

Can Peter can change the past? And if he does, can he deal with the consequences?

IDEA B.

(Endgame everybody lives AU, no five year loss, pregnant Pepper, Avengers as family including Team Cap, Peter/MJ romance, Drama/Mystery/Comedy)

Tony wakes up one morning to a concerned call from May Parker. As per usual, Peter is worrying his poor aunt to death—but this time is different. His phone is giving a message that it’s not in service. And when Tony’s panic rises and he searches for Peter with Friday, he’s horrified to find out that there’s no trace of Peter anywhere on the earth.

He’s gone. Disappeared, without a trace.

Tony leaps into action, using all the tech at his disposal, searching through Spider-Man fan groups online, and eventually, he’s led to an abandoned warehouse on Roosevelt Island. There’s a strange feeling in the air, and it isn’t just his fear making him sick. There’s something going on. There’s something...off.

And Tony finds a major clue under a nearby bridge, faded underneath old graffiti and withering posters and the sands of time.

TONY - I’M HERE. I’M HERE IN 1991 :(

And it’s signed with small spider.

IDEA C.

(AU in which Tony never met Peter, pre-civil war timeline with Avengers as family, Peter as an orphan with no May and Ben, eventual Peter/MJ romance, Drama)

Tony Stark has a happy life. He loves his girlfriend. He’s got a lot of money, he’s a philanthropist, he gives back. He’s also a superhero, with a bunch of superhero buddies.

But strangely, there’s something missing. He’s got ghosts of people he once knew, people who are gone with no goodbyes, and he’s got ghosts of people that were never here to begin with. People he might have met, in another life.

One night he’s looking through his father’s old files, and he finds out there was a project Howard was working on—searching for heroes that came before Captain America. The folder isn’t packed, and there are only a few suspects with not much evidence, but there is one person in particular that strikes Tony as soon as he sees him.

Peter Parker. Someone Howard dubbed ‘the Spider-Man’. The kid was born in 1913, and all of Howard’s evidence was blurry newspaper photos, some handwritten notes that made it seem like Howard himself was following Peter. He was never able to prove that Peter was actually the Spider-Man, but his conclusion was that he was most likely correct—because the Spider-Man never reappeared after Peter Parker died in a factory fire in 1929.

Tony reads the details about Peter. An orphan, living on the streets. Someone Howard described as kind, helpful. ‘Undoubtedly the masked hero. A genuinely good and decent human being who only thought of others.’

Suddenly, Tony is thinking about time travel.

IDEA D.

(Endgame everybody lives AU, not FFH compliant, Peter/MJ romance, Peter & Harry Osborn friendship, Avengers as family, Morgan Stark present, Drama/Mystery)

Peter Parker is finally on the right track. He’s a sophomore at ESU, staying close to home so he can keep up with his Spider-Man duties. He’s in a long term relationship with MJ. And they and Ned have adopted a new friend into their group—Harry Osborn.

But everything goes wrong when Norman, Harry’s father, announces that his son has been killed and Spider-Man is to blame. And worse yet, he has video evidence, despite the fact that Peter was nowhere near the event when it happened.

MJ and Ned take Peter, and they run.

Tony fights for his kid in the public eye while he facilitates Peter and the others with safe houses, and Peter quickly realizes that there’s a lot more to Norman Osborn than he ever could have imagined. Including the leagues of supervillains he sends after Peter and his friends. He clearly knows who Peter is, knows he’s Spider-Man. But he isn’t leaking his identity to the public just yet. And Peter has no idea why.

Can Tony clear Spider-Man’s name before it’s too late?

IDEA E.

(Tony surrives the snap in Endgame but falls into a coma, FFH compliant, Peter/MJ romance, Morgan Stark present, Drama)

Tony remembers snapping. Remembers the whiteness that he thought was the pearly gates finally coming into view. But then nothing happened. He was in the middle of nowhere, a great dark space, and he figured purgatory would be more exciting than this.

Sometimes, he can hear voices.

The people he loves. Pepper, pleading for him to come back. Morgan, telling him how much she loves him. Rhodey and Happy, telling him how they’re taking care of everything while he sleeps.

Sleeps?

He hears Peter, too. Almost more than anybody else, and the kid’s guilt is out of this world. Eventually, Peter talks about going on a trip. A trip that May and the others convinced him to go on. Tony’s glad. He knows the kid has earned it ten times over.

Later, he hears more voices. Jumbed, mass hysteria.

It’s bad but we can help him—

We’re gonna try, we’re gonna try—

Please wake up, he needs you—

Peter’s in the Raft, Tony. It didn’t work. He’s in the Raft.

Tony feels a kind of strength he’s never felt before. A kind of anger and horror and pure rage and the blackness dissipates, stretches, moves like a ladder falling.

He pulls himself out.

Beeping, noises, everyone moving around, grabbing him, pushing him down. He’s dizzy, he’s sick, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Nothing else matters. They’re talking, but he can’t hear them.

He’s gotta get Peter. The Raft? The fucking Raft?

He has to save him.

#my fics #long post #LET ME KNOWWW #i worked on my comments today i didn't get them all done but i will i promise #and i'm working on two little one shots #so hopefully i can get those out soon #love everybody

129 notes · View notes

maswartz · 4 years

Link

Hey folks. Scott (Kaiser) here.

There's been a lot of talk the last year about what the future of DragonBall Z Abridged is, and while we've tried to update people, we've failed at making things crystal clear to everyone.

We're planning on a full video talking about it, but we want to make sure that we can give you the full rundown, now that we've made our final decisions.

We currently have no plans on continuing with the Buu Saga, in the our original style, or in the style of the ShortZ, at this time.

Recently, we publicly announced that DBZA will not continue via the original footage ala our classic method of Abridging. However, we talked publicly about possibly moving forward with the Buu Saga via the same animation provided in the ShortZ.

Unfortunately, after serious deliberation, we currently find this process untenable.

For those of you with questions, I'm going to try to address them here:

"You guys promised Season 4 of DBZA. Why did this change?"

Several factors.

1. The ending of the Cell Saga gave us a sense of finality that is impossible for us to escape. We put our hearts and souls into making that finale stand out, and everything we've worked on with the original footage since has left us feeling hollow. This is a distinctly personal reason, but it's also incredibly important. Many shows lose steam as time goes on as the creators extend their work far beyond its natural lifespan; we're feeling that with this, and that's a scary, depressing thought.

We don't want to end up like The Simpsons, Dexter, Scrubs M.D., just to name a few.

And yes, we know, there's more story to work with. But in all honesty... there just isn't the emotional attachment and passion for the arc that drove the last three seasons. This is another, very personal reason, but it's unavoidable.

We do not enjoy tearing down and mocking the things we love. We want to celebrate them, expand on them, explore them, and sometimes make light of their shortcomings. That's what gave you the best of DBZA up until now, and ultimately, we find ourselves at odds with that approach and the majority of the Buu Saga.

2. We're burned out on the original method, in general. It's been an absolute blast to bring DBZA to life, but after 11 years of the same project... it's gotten oppressive. Which, again, is a scary thought.

I love DBZA, more than anyone on the planet. Not because it gave me this job, not because it helped pay the bills, not because it got me invited to conventions.

Because it made me a better person. A better writer, a better director, a better actor, a better editor, a better worker. I learned so much while working on DBZA, and I got to express my love for comedy, drama, and DragonBall to the world. Anyone who's seen me talk live about the finale of 60 has seen me coming to tears when talking about how proud I was to show it to everyone, and how overwhelmed I was to hear such a positive response. Just how happy I was to be able to share something I worked on with all my heart with all of you guys.

The idea that we could come to resent the series by forcing ourselves to work on it past the point where we feel artistically fulfilled? That's awful. And I honestly hope you all can understand why.

But it's not just me: Nick and Curt have also lost their steam with this approach, due to the limiting nature of the production, and our aforementioned perspective on the Buu Saga as a whole.

3. Our YouTube channel is our primary source of revenue. While the Patreon absolutely has helped us with several new projects (episode 5 of Unabridged is now in the can, and we continue filming early February), the lifeline that sustains the company is our main channel.

Copyright claims have put us at risk of losing that channel, and our livelihoods in jeopardy. We have our employees to look out for; our friends, our colleagues, and doing right by them—by striving to create original, monetizable, copyright friendly content, that also carries our heart and soul as creatives—is undeniably important.

We've thought about hosting DBZA on other sites, but nowhere has been safe, and worse, it would serve to draw attention away from our hub, which ultimately could lead to less views, less support, and either the scaling back or collapse of our company.

And frankly—and I say this with all due respect—the expansion of our company, to better fulfill the creative wants and needs of our employees, and the financial stability of all therein, is paramount here.

4. Our relationships with other companies have been strained by the nature of DBZA.

Fair-use exists in a nebulous area; even though we believe in it wholeheartedly, that doesn't mean there's no trouble between us and the copyright holders, and that tension leaks into the ecosystem in which we look to coexist with other companies. As writers, actors, etc.

We want to ease this tension moving forward.

5. We mentioned the nebulous nature of copyright. Over the course of the last 11 years, we've avoided major legal challenges, but we cannot continue to press our luck in this regard. We want to live in a less gray area, without the Sword of Damocles above our heads.

"When was this decision made?"

There is no concrete date, but it was in October, 2019 that we decided to no longer use the footage at all.

It started late August/early September. We'd been working on the script for Bojack since May, and had been struggling to get anything of substance down on paper. While it wasn't a complete wash, we weren't happy with the bulk of it. We'd also restarted the scripting process a couple times, trying to approach it from different angles, but we found ourselves at wit's end.

So we started to reflect and talk about the nature of our struggling, and Nick, Curt, and I came to the conclusions I gave you above.

At that time, we'd already written out several of the ShortZ and were looking to get moving on those before the year's end. They were originally conceived solely as connective tissue between Cell and Buu. We quickly realized that, if we could get things rolling, we could possibly continue working on DragonBall Abridged via the ShortZ, potentially solving a majority of our problems.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TeamFourStar/comments/d5blur/setting_the_bojack_record_straight_and_more_from/

I actually made this post over on the Reddit after Bojack was cancelled and we totally borked the announcement of said cancellation. It reflects a lot of what's said here.

However... it was over the course of the last two weeks that we started to realize:

Continuing via the ShortZ was untenable as well.

"You mentioned continuing via the ShortZ. What changed?"

Imagine you're a child wanting a puppy. You beg your parents all year, and then they say, "Alright then, we'll get you that puppy for Christmas!" Then Christmas comes around, and they hand you a box. A wrapped box. And in that wrapped box isn't a puppy, but a WowWee Chippies Robot Toy Dog.

While there are plenty of fans who've cheered this on, for all the freedom it allows us, and the ability for us to monetize it, the drop in visual quality and change in overall tone and style ultimately make the Buu Saga a lesser version of what we've provided for years.

Furthermore, the time to actually produce an entire season with this new animation would put the series off for an unbelievably long time, and unfortunately be incredibly costly.

The ShortZ will continue, but we have no intention at this time to utilize them as a way to cover the Buu Saga.

"What of us who are contributing specifically for DBZA?"

We have continuously, time and time again, tried to communicate that this Patreon was not made to fund DBZA. It was made to fund projects outside of DBZA, while maintaining our production of our keystone project through to its completion. It has helped fund FFVII Machinabridged, AWF, Unabridged, Fist Master, Super Knock-Off VS., X Minutes, Cell VS., [Unannounced Project(s)], and essentially all non-mainline DBZA content.

But there's an unavoidable truth here: We promised DBZA would continue beside those projects, and that they would not interfere with its production in any meaningful manner. We also announced Season 4 at the end of Episode 60 in September 2018, leading people to believe that the show—as they knew it—would continue as per the usual.

Anyone who was looking to secure the creation specifically of DBZA Season 4 via their patronage will likely feel frustrated or even betrayed by this reveal, and we're sorry about that.

We also failed in our communication in a timely manner. The moment we decided that DBZA was not happening in it's traditional capacity should've prompted a much quicker announcement to that effect. Please understand that the biggest driving factor behind not saying anything was that we desperately wanted to have a real plan for you folks moving forward, not just bad news and a vague idea. As you can see, even debates on providing the Buu Saga via the ShortZ was not something we'd come to a conclusion on until these last couple weeks.

But we accept the responsibility and blame for keeping you in the dark for too long, regarding DBZA.

So I ask of you this: If you are a Patron solely—or even primarily—in hopes of funding traditional DBZA, please consider ceasing your patronage. If you continue to donate for any particular reason, thank you so very much. But if you don't feel that you are getting your money's worth, we truthfully understand, we will not blame you for choosing not to continue to support us, and we appreciate all the support you've given us thus far.

We will not judge you for being discerning with your own incomes and time, nor will we feel scorned.

"Is there any chance you'll change your mind?"

I cannot say so. We've made this decision and it's what we truly feel is best for us moving forward.

If you guys have any more questions, I'll make myself available in the comments section.

Thank you for your time and your support. I hope you'll continue to see us into new horizons, but as we said before: We will respect your decisions, whatever they are. Thank you for your support,

#dbza #dragon ball z abridged #team four star

21 notes · View notes

douchebagbrainwaves · 4 years

Text

THE COURAGE OF PROJECT

Then when you start a startup anywhere. That's why mice and rabbits are furry and elephants and hippos aren't.1 The very design of the average site in the late twentieth century. He got a 4x liquidation preference. Google, it's hard to get into grad school in math. Can we claim founders are better off as a result of this new trend. Where you live should make at most a couple percent difference. But investing later should also mean they have fewer losers.

They make something moderately appealing and have decent initial growth.2 If you major in math it will be whatever the startup can get from the first one to write a paper for school, his mother would tell him: find a way to turn a billion dollar industry into a fifty million dollar industry, so much the better, if all fifty million go to you. The classic yuppie worked for a small organization. Before us, most companies in the startup funding business. The best way to get a big idea can take roost.3 4 or 5 million. This essay grew out of something I wrote for myself to figure out how to increase their load factors. But you can also apply some force by focusing the discussion: by asking what specific questions they need answered to make up their minds. This plan collapsed under its own weight.4 Startups happened because technology started to change so fast that big companies could no longer keep a lid on the smaller ones.

The only place your judgement makes a difference is in the industry.5 People who do great work, and it's a bad sign when you have a special word for that. One of the exhilarating things about coming back to Cambridge every spring is walking through the streets at dusk, when you can see into the houses. If you have steep revenue growth, say over 6x a year, no matter how many good startups approach him. Recently we managed to recruit her to help us run YC when she's not busy with architectural projects.6 This works better when a startup has 3 founders than 2, and better when the leader of the company in later rounds. I'm not saying you can get away with zero self-discipline.

We're not a replacement for don't give up. What you should not do is rebel. But while series A rounds from VCs. Someone who's scrappy manages to be both threatening and undignified at the same world everyone else does, but notice some odd detail that's compellingly mysterious.7 Even Tim O'Reilly was wearing a suit, a sight so alien I couldn't parse it at first. They can't tell how smart you are.8 The story about Web 2. Maybe one day the most important thing is to be learned from whatever book on it happens to be closest. This essay is derived from a keynote at FOWA in October 2007. They'll decide later if they want to raise.9

Sometimes it reached the point of economic sadism: site owners assumed that the more pain they caused the user, the more benefit it must be to them. It's cities that compete, not countries.10 Kids are curious, but the best founders are certainly capable of it. But investors are so fickle that you can fix for a lot of time on work that interests you, and don't just refuse to. But you have to be an insider.11 A key ingredient in many projects, almost a project on its own, is to step onto an orthogonal vector. So ironically the original description of the Web 2. Back when it cost a lot to like I've done a few things, like intro it to my friends at Foundry who were investors in Service Metrics and understand this model I am also talking to my friend Mark Pincus who had an idea like this a few years ago.12 0 seemed to mean was something about democracy. We didn't have enough saved to live on. There is another reason founders don't ask themselves whether they're default alive or default dead.13

So most investors prefer, if they wanted, raise series A rounds. They're unable to raise more money, and precisely when you'll have to switch to plan B if plan A isn't working. That doesn't mean the investor says yes to everyone. Miss out on what? It's so cheap to start web startups that orders of magnitudes more will be started. Investors evaluate startups the way customers evaluate products, not the way bosses evaluate employees. The bust was as much an overreaction as the boom.14 Startups are undergoing the same transformation that technology does when it becomes cheaper.15 Another way to fly low is to give them something for free that competitors charge for. After all, a Web 2.16 He bought a suit.

Instead you'll be compelled to seek growth in other ways. They all knew their work like a piano player knows the keys. But consulting is far from free money. They say they're going to get eliminated. What does it mean, exactly? If investors were perfect judges, the two would require exactly the same skills. And to be both good and novel, an idea probably has to seem bad to most people, or someone writes a particularly interesting article, it will show up there. The mere existence of prep schools is proof of that.17 So far the complete list of messages I've picked up from cities is: wealth, style, hipness, physical attractiveness wouldn't have been a total immersion. Don't just do what they tell you to do. But advancing technology has made web startups so cheap that you really can get a portrait of the normal distribution of most applicant pools, it matters least to judge accurately in precisely the cases where judgement has the most effect—you won't take rejection so personally. If raising money is hard.

There is no sharp line between the two types of startup ideas: those that grow organically out of your own life, and those that you decide, from afar, are going to get rarer. While some VCs have technical backgrounds, I don't know enough to say, but it happens surprisingly rarely.18 Most subjects are taught in such a boring way that it's only by discipline that you can never safely treat fundraising as more than a startup that seems like it's going to stop.19 It sounds obvious to say that you should worry? One reason startups prefer series A rounds? When I was in high school either. If you feel you've been misjudged, you can do. Google. Of course, someone has to take money from people who are young but smart and driven can make more by starting their own companies after college instead of getting jobs, that will change what happens in college.

Notes

Though they are themselves typical users. But it takes to get good grades in them to private schools that in three months, a valuation. Giving away the razor and making more per customer makes it easier to get them to stay in a time machine.

Apple's early history are from an angel investment from a mediocre VC.

In the beginning.

Plus ca change. But on the other.

And that is exactly the point of a stock is its future earnings, you now get to go behind the scenes role in IPOs, which allowed banks and savings and loans to buy it despite having no evidence it's for sale.

However, it will seem dumb in 100 years. Digg is Slashdot with voting instead of blacklist.

Sofbot.

I write out loud can expose awkward parts.

I've become a so-called signalling risk.

Hint: the way they have because they couldn't afford a monitor.

And it's particularly damaging when these investors flake, because there was a new search engine is low. They have no connections, you'll find that with a wink, to take care of one's markets is ultimately just another way in which income is doled out by Mitch Kapor, is to raise money after Demo Day, there would be easy to discount, but I'm not against editing. As one very successful YC founder told me they like the one hand and the exercise of stock options than any preceding president, he tried to shift back. At three months we can't believe anyone would think twice before crossing him.

Progressive tax rates has a significant startup hub. He, like speculators, that alone could in principle 100,000 sestertii apiece for slaves learned in the early adopters you evolve the idea is crack. As we walked in, we love big juicy lumbar disc herniation as juicy except literally.

It's sometimes argued that we didn't, they thought at least accepted additions to the modern idea were proposed by Timothy Hart in 1964, two years, it was cooked up by the National Center for Education Statistics, about 28%. I've come to accept that investors don't like the bizarre consequences of this essay talks about programmers, but I know of no Jews moving there, and should in some ways First Round excluded their most successful startups are competitive like running, not the original text would in itself deserving. This is not whether it's good enough at obscuring tokens for this type are also several you can't even claim, like play in a city with few other startups, because time seems to pass. Please do not try to avoid that.

This kind of people starting normal companies too. If Ron Conway had been raised religious and then using growth rate to manufacture a perfect growth curve, etc, and then a block or so.

But it is to trick admissions officers. I meant. The mere possibility of being harsh to founders. As he is at fault, since 95% of the class of 2007 came from such schools.

I started doing research for this purpose are still, as they are now. There was no more unlikely than it would be easier to say that it is dishonest of the next round, that suits took over during a critical point in the usual standards for truth. Wittgenstein: The French Laundry in Napa Valley.

It wouldn't cut their overall returns tenfold, because they wanted, so the best ideas, they mean statistical distribution. The original Internet forums were not web sites but Usenet newsgroups.

A doctor friend warns that even this can give an inaccurate picture. At some point, when the problems you have no idea what's happening till they also influence one another directly through the window for years while they think they're just mentioning the possibility is that in Silicon Valley. I find hardest to get rich by creating wealth—wealth that, isn't it? Look at those goddamn fleas, they have less money, the big winners aren't all that matters, just as if you'd invested at a famous university who is highly regarded by his peers.

Compromising a server could cause such damage that ASPs that want to pound that message home. He, like arithmetic drills, instead of blacklist.

Thanks to Tim O'Reilly, Peter Norvig, and the guys at O'Reilly for inviting me to speak.

1 note · View note

inkstaineddove · 4 years

Text

Business and Displeasure Ch.3

Chapters: 1 + 2

Roderich relished his alone time. He was up later than he wanted to stay, but he couldn't figure out a way to shake Arthur off effectively nor could he force himself to shoo the Briton out of the room. He had more manners than that, but was now regretting his politeness. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that it was better to go into the next day feeling more energized than he's been the last few days. Too many people in too small space.

He moved quietly up the steps, not wanting a squeaky floor to disturb the staff or Ivan sleeping on the ground floor. He also didn't want to trip, something he'd been known to do at this late of an hour. He crept into his room, not wanting to wake a sleeping Erzsébet, and headed straight for the closet.

With one hand he selected a nightshirt, the other played a phantom concerto that sounded brilliant in his mind. There couldn't be too many days of this, he decided. No, not many at all. He would be able to go about his days as he preferred, no one to command his attention or that he had to cater to. The intoxicating feeling of being one's own master, servicing all his needs as they came to him.

Where was that noise coming from? Soft grunts could be heard coming from deeper within the closet. He moved further in, until suddenly stopping. Understanding hit him. Roderich held out a hand against the wall, afraid that if he used too much force the whole thing would collapse. A feeling of utter shock carried through him.

He tried to rationalize the whole thing. How could he know who was in there with Gilbert? He couldn't! Prussia wouldn't be above sleeping with whatever maid he could get his filthy paws on. And while he couldn't condone a mortal woman sleeping with a man she wasn't married with, it was their choice. Nothing he, as Roderich Edelstein or Österreich, could have done to prevent this outcome.

If that was the case, why did he feel so afraid to return to the bedroom and check on his wife? The part of him that remained cool and rational was sneering. If he was so sure, why was he slumped against the wall with his feet cemented to the ground? Why then couldn't he move? And why be so surprised when this - whatever this may be - had happened multiple times. He knew it did, he was always told as much. Oh, now he was going to stand up for himself! Big man Roderich, finally asserting that he be afforded some personal respect and dignity by the same people he'd denied it to on multiple occasions. Hadn't his slights also struck them as personal? Weren't they in a long tit-for-tat going back at least a century, if not more?

Roderich leaned his head back up and stared at the ceiling. This was pointless, this whole exercise in thought. None of it mattered. Nothing could be proven or disproven to him if he buried his head in the sand. He refused to look at the other side of the bed when he reentered the room. A gnawing feeling still came to him. He smiled and locked the door. If she wasn't there, Roderich felt certain that Erzsébet would be capable of finding a bed for the night in such a large home. He blew out the candle and did his best to shut his mind off for the night.

---

"Really, none of you are willing to take out any loans?" Britain sniffed. "What a waste of paper. I brought all these banknotes on the promise to the Bank of England they'd make a killing off these loans. To think, war used to be so profitable."

Russia, Austria, and Prussia shared annoyed looks. "Can you blame us for wanting to check in with our finance ministers before going into further debt to you? Wouldn't it be better for us all if we could afford to pay you back in time?" Austria removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"I suppose, but you men have no idea how much we can make on interest alone. It would be enough to fund all your governments for the next five years." Britain winced, realizing too late that might be a bit harsh. "That's not a poor joke, of course. It's more a comment on how many pounds we make per year."

"It definitely was a poor joke of some variety." Prussia grumbled.

Austria rose, clasping his hands together. "Well then, it seems we have all the basics sorted out. I think we can safely call an end to this whole string of meetings. If there's any further complications or questions as we more concretely hammer out the details through the usual channels or one of you could host the next event like this." He prayed to God that he wouldn't feel forced into having them all in his home again. Seeing no interjections from the group, he pressed on ahead. "I'll leave you three to pack. Feel free to let me know what time you plan on leaving and I'll have a carriage ready for you."

Russia and Britain made their way out of the room, looking eager to get home as soon as possible. Prussia moved lazily, taking his time. He'd made the trip from Vienna to Berlin, and all the major cities in between, before. It took a day and a half at most, if they decided to move at a leisurely pace. Time was one of the few luxuries he could still afford.

"Gilbert, may I speak with you for a moment?"

"Hmm? Oh, sure. What do you need?"

The earnestness on the Prussian's face caught Roderich off guard. Not a hint of any idea why the Austrian would be asking to speak with him. His heart begged him to not let his eyes play a trick on him, but how could he deny the evidence before his very face? It could very well be possible that Roderich, in his exhaustion, had invented the whole thing and nastily locked his wife out of their marital bed. He winced at the thought. If that was the case, then he surely deserved any retribution he got.

"Roddy? Are you in there? Are you communing with the heavens?" Gilbert bit his lip, for once suppressing his laughter at his cousin's expense. In that moment, Roderich could almost see how some people could find him charming. Almost.

"My apologies. My mind trailed off to...somewhere that doesn't concern you." He cleared his throat. "Ah, right I wanted to let you know that, ah...." Quick, formulate some excuse. "What we'd talked about a few years back, the last time I saw you in Berlin. If this goes well and you prove yourself capable of working in a team then I'll help you beat back the worst of the nationalist sentiment sweeping across Germany. As long as it remains in my best interest, of course."

"Of course, always have to look out for number one." Gilbert smiled and Roderich picked up a glimmer of hostility behind his eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it came. He felt thrown off by the lack of animalism in his behavior. Seeing the Prussian act in a semi-civilized way was throwing Roderich off. "Now, if that's all you had to say then I'll be in my room."

Austria watched him leave. He remained deeply unsettled but tried to push that out of mind. There was no point to the exercise, there was nothing he could currently do to resolve the situation so it was best to leave it for a more opportune moment. He would need to fill his mind with much more pleasurable pursuits in the interim.

---

Another late night, but this one filled with so much more joy. Roderich rose from his piano and stretched. It felt good to feel free to return to his music after so many days away. His guests had spent most of their time secluded, packing and arranging their return routes home, enabling him to spend his time as he wanted instead of trying to be polite by being easily accessible.

As he climbed up the stairs, he rubbed his wrists. How his hands ached, but what a magnificent sensation it was! This was how he knew he was still alive, that after all these centuries there was still this very human part of him inside. He remembered seeing one of those tracts from America, about how welcoming God into your life and singing his praises would bring about a rebirth of one's life. Roderich wasn't sure how much of that he believed - he put his belief in the authority of the Catholic church as it could be witnessed, but God himself? He'd seen too many horrors - but he could empathize. For them it was belief in a higher power, for him it was the healing power of the one true universal language.

In good spirits, he smiled seeing the candle was still on his bedchambers. Perhaps Erzsébet had waited up for him after all. Or, if that was too much, maybe she was reading and they could talk a little bit before retiring for the night. They both had some apologizing to do and he was currently in a mood receptive to criticism. Maybe they could pretend to get along until daybreak, when they would inevitably return to their norm. It was the same dance they always did, but today he was willing to sing its tune.

A voice too low in octave to ever belong to a woman. A streak of white hair. Hushed promises, so lewd he didn't dare think about them. A flash of a bare breast before being enveloped in a hand too rough to handle anything with care. Frozen, absolutely frozen. He thought he heard the word love, but didn't want to hear the context. Soft pants, satisfied moans, the upset that he'd never heard her make those noises before. The embarrassment as Gilbert's earlier taunt about 'marital duties' rang in his ears. The further embarrassment at feeling like such a voyeur.

His damn feet, why did they have to be glued to the spot again? Roderich glanced at the sword on the wall. He could imagine himself, running in and impaling Gilbert through. Red, that bastard always saw red so why shouldn't he be red? Maybe if his skin matched his eyes, he wouldn't be such a freak. And where would that leave her? No, he could never hurt her like that. But he could damn well throw her out on the street and care less whether she made it to Budapest in one piece. Yes, that would work, that would be fitting payback. Roderich reached up high, but stumbled, his feet scuffing on the wood.

"What was that?" Her voice, Erzsébet's voice. Roderich wanted her to appear nervous, but she just sounded bored. Do they really not care? Is he this weak?

The sound of a kiss. Roderich imagined their lips touching. How vile. "Nothing, but I'll check if the doors locked." His voice, growing closer. Roderich's feet remained firmly planted where they were. He wondered how the Italians were so skillful at running away in times like these. He wondered why that was the first thing that came to his mind.

Gilbert spotted him. Red meets violet. Gilbert smiled, that stupid, arrogant smile. He winked. The door clicked shut and Roderich lunged for it, not caring that he wouldn't win a fistfight but just wanting the fight, longing for the feel of bone on bone. It was locked. Of course it was locked. He said he was locking it. The red in his vision dissipated. Roderich leaned against the door, staring up at the ceiling. There was the proof before his eyes. So, it hadn't been talk all along.

---

For once, Roderich was thankful for the bitter cold of the outdoors at night. He needed to feel something on his skin, to remind him that this wasn't all just one long nightmare. Didn't he used to be so smart, ahead of all the other players on the board? What the hell happened to him? Ever since the Thirty Years' War, it felt like he'd become the biggest loser on the continent. The only one who dared challenge him was France. Now look where he was.

"Oh, hello Roderich! Out for a lovely stroll this evening too?" Roderich screamed. Ivan put his hands up. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. You seemed so lonely out here, like you needed a friend."

The Russian's eagerness to be a companion in this time was overwhelming. Roderich opened his mouth to reject but realized that wouldn't be believable in the slightest. "Why not. It's probably for the best."

As they strolled through the garden, Ivan prattled on about the beauty of all the flowers and how he wished he could grow some of them at his place. He realized that the Austrian wasn't paying him any mind and stopped. "Are you alright? You seem depressed. There's a bench here. Let's sit and you tell me all your worries."

This is not the confidante he would've chosen. If Austria had his pick, he would've gone with...well, Spain but it seemed a few centuries too late for that. No, there wasn't anyone else he could turn to who wouldn't be agreeing with him out of obligation. Feeling more isolated, Roderich complied. "I caught Gilbert and Erzsébet..." his voice trailed off. That was a not sentence he wished to complete.

"Goodness. Well, good for you! Maybe we should go back in, there must be a lot of blood in your room. I know all the best tricks for cleaning it out!" Ivan slapped him on the shoulder. It was meant to be good-natured, but it felt as if he'd been hit by a bullet. "Gilbert's a good friend, but I can't deny he had it coming."

Roderich grimaced. "You give me too much credit. I froze up. The most I could do was trip over my feet. Gilbert then locked me out of my own damn room. Not before winking at me! No, he had to get the last word in as if sleeping with my wife wasn't enough of a message." He pumped a fist weakly. "What makes it worse is that, if this situation were reversed, he wouldn't have hesitated to have gutted me over the carpet."

"Ah, so this is all about how you compare with him."

"Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be? If he's so comfortable acting this way in front of my allies, how will he behave in front of my enemies? What will the Ottomans or France believe when they see I can't even control my own house, but Prussia apparently can? They'd be fools not to side with him."

Ivan quirked an eyebrow up. "Let me get this straight. This is upsetting to you because it's Gilbert taking you on in this realm, that he is more of a husband or what-have-you than you are. Nothing to do with any sort of love or obligation to the woman you are married to?" He laughed. "I would cheat on you too, what an awful marriage."

"Excuse you, I love her very much! She's an excellent cook, she's better at handling our guests than me." Roderich began drawing a blank. "Her...unification with my house brought me more power? Her soldiers are incredibly disciplined."

"Wow, I'm persuaded. How foolish of me to think that this was a marriage purely of political reasons." Ivan shot his companion a look. "That's not love, that's the qualities of an ideal staff member. This is all about the fact that you don't like Prussia having what you thought was off-limits." He waved off Roderich's surprised look. "I spent three weeks with him in 1762 and he told me all about this whole mess. He wouldn't stop gushing about Erzsébet and painting your marriage, whether on paper or not, with her as some way of showing him you got his girl. These last three days show me he wasn't lying. You both are pathetic."

Roderich stared out at the bushes before them. This was not how he was hoping this conversation would go. He knew he wasn't completely blameless in this whole matter, but he didn't like it being so blatantly pointed out. He wanted to grieve for his shattered sense of pride and self-perception. "No, maybe I don't love her, but I possibly could. She was a lovely woman in the beginning. Besides, she's using him."

"You could, but did you ever try? She is, but she's using you as well and you know that. Don't let yourself be blinded."

"I did not, but that could change." Roderich shook his head and looked at his hands. "No, it probably won't. She's too headstrong, it's infuriating. But I could try being nicer. No, we're both horrible to each other. This is a mess." He ran his hands through his hair, not caring about if he messed up his appearance. "It won't be solved in one night, if ever, but I appreciate you for listening and opening my mind up to the truth I didn't want to hear."

Russia shrugged. "That's what I'm here for. Come, let's finish this walk. I want to see the rest of your plants before I'm back with the snow."

They walked in silence for a while, both off in their own little worlds. Roderich hadn't stopped being infuriated at the blatant disrespect he'd received, but he was not about to become a murderer. A marked improvement from where he began the night. He looked over at Ivan, who was gently caressing each flower he passed. He made sure to stop and smell the most beautiful, doing his best to remember the exact scent. Some happy memory to store away when he returned to the bleak winter of Moscow.

"You're a lot more astute than we give you credit for. I've always thought you were a bumbling fool, only useful in battle since he can take so many hits, but you're actually quite intelligent." Austria smiled, thinking this to be a high compliment for any from the East.

"I'm not surprised. Hurt, but not shocked. It is so much easier to deny the humanity of us Slavs when you pretend that you're somehow above us. That you, the paragons of culture, are more European than we could ever be and have the access to the best information as a result." Russia sighed, too used to this. "It's so much easier to have us killed when you deny we're made of the same stuff. It's easier to think that because I fumble over your Latin, French, and English that I'm somehow slower to pick up on things. It gives me an advantage in a certain sense, but it does tire me." He chuckled. "Though, I will have you know that mein Deutsch ist sehr gute. Somehow, that one comes naturally."

Testing him, Roderich switched to German, speaking at the pace he would to one of his countrymen. "My sincerest apologies. You're correct to point our tendency to think like that, but to be fair to ourselves we don't have many counter examples to our beliefs. Though I suppose we are in part to blame by striking down Poland. Nevertheless, it is wrong to stereotype so quickly and without prejudice. I can't promise that the rest of my people won't, but I assure you that I will look at you as an equal worthy of mutual respect from now on."

"Thank you, I appreciate that. You can understand how we long for respect? It's so isolating when the world continues to tell you that you and all your people are inferior, despite building up civilizations and a culture able to thrive among the 'civilized' world, and then use our fights with each other as proof that we're no better than all of you. The best was when Britain called me a 'worthy savage'. It was so ridiculous, I couldn't be insulted." Russia had a hearty belly laugh at the memory. For his part, Austria was impressed at how well he kept up. The only flaw was that he spoke in a northern dialect, but that was a lack of taste.

Russia smiled. "You want to hear a good joke? What does a Prussian do that a Russian won't?"

Incredulous, Austria took the bait. "What?"

"Sleep with your wife." Roderich couldn't contain himself. He leaned upon the Russian as they staggered back in the direction of the home, laughing loud enough to probably wake the others up, but without caring if they did. "Can I confess something to you, without you threatening hellfire upon me? I'd never be able to say this back home."

"You're more interested in men than women." The Austrian may be a fool tonight, but he wasn't stupid. "You don't have to worry about that with me. I was married to Antonio and enjoyed every second of it. It would be hypocritical for me to judge any man for that sort of thing."

"Then you'll understand that we're both aligned. It's Gilbert I've been pining for myself. I would love it if we could get him off Hungary and onto me." Russia laughed, trying to smile but looking sad. "Ah, that wouldn't happen though. He really thinks we're only good buddies."

Roderich scrunched his nose up. Why did every person he hoped to form some sort of relationship with have to be in love with his enemy? Where was his luck? "Truth be told, I'm not even sure if you fit his...tastes. I've only seen him leer after women. And for whatever reason, the majority of them fall for it." He put his hand up. "Please don't tell me why. I never wish to understand his appeal."

"I'm not his taste, but not in the way you think. No matter, I'm not hung up on it. You shouldn't be hung up on this either." Ivan did not sound like he wasn't hung up on it. It was shallow advice, but Roderich wasn't going to push him. It felt too soon in this newly budding friendship-of-sorts they were developing. They returned back inside the home. "I should rest, I leave early tomorrow. Goodnight, Roderich, I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Ivan. Sleep well." Surprisingly, Roderich felt at peace. Maybe the fresh air had helped.

---

The morning brought the slow trickle of nations leaving. As each one departed, Austria felt himself growing more at ease. Britain left before the Austrian was awake, fulfilling his promise to leave obscenely early. With Russia's party disappearing off the property, that left only Prussia. The albino was moving his belongings into his carriage, yoking it up with his driver.

"Excuse me, Gilbert, may I have a moment?" Roderich nodded his head at the driver. "Alone."

Gilbert dismissed him and met the Austrian with a large smile. "Thank you for being such a gracious host. I might have had the best sleep of my life last night. Your mattress is fantastic."

The loud clap of skin-on-skin filled the air. Gilbert clutched his cheek and his eyes became all fire. "You little bitch. I bet you slap her around like that."

"Violence is the only thing you respond too. If I want to be understood by a beast, I have to speak like one. Your stupidity makes you brave, I can commend that at times. It also makes you reckless and insolent. If I catch you disrespecting me in such a way as last night, I will ruin you."

Gilbert huffed. "To be afraid of you would be like being afraid of a kitten, don't waste my time." He returned his attention back to his luggage. "You're not mad about anything I may or may not be doing with Erzsi. Stop pretending like she has any meaning to you. You resent what refuses to bend to your will like any other obstinate little prince." He turned back around, eyes like fire and full of glowing hatred. "You may own her hand, but you can never own her heart."

"Neither will you." Roderich's hands balled to fists. There was that same twitching for a fight as last night. It always had to end with this, didn't it?

But something changed. Gilbert's eyes cast down at the ground. He kicked a pebble. "So I've heard." He looked back at the house, with agonizing longing. "But what I've got is more than you. That's the only prize that matters, right? What would we be without chasing such an elusive goal?"

"Happier," Austria's candor surprised even him.

It took Prussia aback as well, who let free a sad smile in reward. "Maybe. We might have to try that someday. But for now, why not keep doing what we're doing? We've forgotten how to do everything else." He opened his mouth, a taunt on his lips, but let it drop. He didn't have the heart for such bravado right now. "This is a meaningless existence. Tell her I'll miss her." With that, he climbed into his carriage.

Austria watched him leave, not minding the dust kicked in his face by the horses. The somberness of his rival troubled him, but how could he deny the part of him feeling the same weariness? Trudging back inside, he considered how quickly the world around them was changing. He doubted how much of it was for the better.

#aph russia #hws russia #aph britain #hws britain #aph pruhun #hws pruhun #pruhun #hws austria #aph austria #hws prussia #aph prussia #hws hungary #aph hungary #hetalia #hetalia fanfic

2 notes · View notes

serinemolecule · 5 years

Text

Things I wish people had told me about air travel

Americans keep getting annoyed at me for not telling them things, and they also keep getting annoyed at me for telling them things they already know. I don't actually know how to fix that situation, but writing infodumping posts on Tumblr is always safe, so I'm gonna do that.

This is a draft I never published because it’s way too infodumpy and doesn’t have as many jokes as my usual posts, but whatever, Tumblr is dying and some people might find this useful.

Before buying the ticket

Make sure you actually have permission to fly. If you're flying within the US, you'll need some sort of ID: A driver's license works (although with the Real ID mess, the TSA's been constantly threatening to ban certain states' driver's licenses). A passport definitely works. If you're flying domestically in other countries, I have no idea what their requirements are, but you're definitely always safe with a passport.

Keep in mind that "same country" doesn't necessarily mean "same travel jurisdiction". Chinese citizens aren't allowed to travel to Hong Kong without permission, etc etc.

If you're flying internationally, you'll definitely need a passport, and you'll often also need a visa. Many countries have "visa waiver" deals, which means you can travel to them without a visa, but only for a specific period of time (usually something like "less than three months").

Every country will have a customs process, with long lines and approximately half an hour of wait (sometimes shorter, sometimes longer), usually after the flight and before you're allowed to enter the country. It is possible, even if you've already gotten permission (even a visa!) to enter a country, for customs not to let you enter, and deport you to your country of citizenship.

The best way to make sure customs doesn't deport you is to already have bought your return flight, to know where you're staying in that country, and to have a consistent story of why you're in their country. If you haven't decided when to return and need to get a visa or get through customs, you can buy a refundable return flight (and refund it after you’re inside the country). If where you're staying is "it's complicated", you can buy refundable hotel reservations, (and refund them once you're in the country or got your visa).

You do not have to stick to the story you give customs. You can tell them you’re doing tourism for two weeks, they’ll give you a visa for like three months, and you can stay for two months in a different place you told them you’d stay, it’s fine. As long as you’re already past customs, you can do whatever you want as long as you leave before the visa says you have to.

Luggage, rules

Different airlines have different luggage policies. Most airlines let you bring one "personal item" (a purse or small backpack, which fits under the seat in front of you) and one "carry-on" (a larger backpack or small suitcase, which fits in the overhead compartments), for free.

Larger bags usually need to be "checked", which means you give it to them at the airport, and don't get it back until the end of your flights. Checking bags is sometimes free for international flights, but usually you'll be paying around $50–$120 each for them. Checked bags have weight limits (usually around 60 pounds), so be careful of those.

Budget airlines and "basic economy" tickets of major US airlines (so, the ticket you’ll get if you sort by “lowest price”) will usually only let you bring the personal item for free, and charge you for carry-on baggage.

There are lots of limitations for what you're allowed to bring onto the plane: No liquids above 3.5 oz (100 mL), no weapons (not even pocketknives). You can still bring these things in checked baggage.

You can't bring fresh plants and meats across international borders. They'll get confiscated.

Airport security and customs WILL look at what you bring. There's no way around this. It's also not an "every once in a while" thing - everything you bring will be X-rayed and they will look at the X-rays for anything you're not allowed to bring. Sometimes they miss things, but this should in no way be counted on.

Luggage, advice

Bringing clothes is the main thing that takes up space. You'll usually also want to bring toiletries, your phone, chargers, etc. Don't forget your passport. Some people bring books or laptops (you'll want _something_ to do while in a plane with no internet).

If you believe in yourself, you can fit all this in one backpack that counts as a "personal item". Which will let you actually take advantage of those really cheap tickets from budget airlines! You'll also be able to put that backpack into the overhead bins, giving you more legroom than you'd otherwise have, so this is useful even if you do have free carry-ons.

If you need more than one bag, it might still be useful to pack everything into one personal item and one carry-on. Not checking baggage means you don’t have to wait for it at the baggage claim, and you don’t have to deal with airlines losing your luggage (happens every once in a while) or being too rough with it and breaking stuff inside (luggage handlers literally throw baggage around, so if your checked baggage can’t handle being thrown, you’re going to have a bad time).

Buying the ticket

I usually just use Google Flights. People disagree about when the best time to buy flights is, but three weeks before is the usual recommended number. Check prices often to have a sense for them, and understand that the Google Flights quoted price is often the absolute lowest, and often don't include things like checked baggage, carry-on baggage, the ability to sit next to your friends, food or housing (more layovers mean you have to buy more expensive airport food or even hotels).

Ideally, you should be buying your ticket with a credit card that gives good rewards for buying plane tickets. The AmEx Platinum gives you 5 points per dollar on flights, and the Chase Sapphire Reserve gives you 3 points per dollar on flights - those are the ones I'd usually recommend.

Travel agencies can sometimes get you better deals on flights than normal. They can also overcharge you. Be very careful with them.

Finish reading this guide before actually buying the ticket, because I'm going to cover a lot of things that might affect your decision about which flight you end up buying.

After buying the ticket, you'll get an e-mail with information about your flights, so you can look back on it. Make sure not to forget about your flight. Put it on your calendar or set a reminder or something.

Fare classes

You probably know the difference between first class and economy, but there's:

- First class (international flights) - This can get really fancy in international flights. It's somewhat common to get an entire room to yourself on an airplane for these, with really fancy food, a bunch of amenities, etc.

- Business class (international flights) - Kind of like a lesser first class. Usually a seat that lies flat to sleep in, and some of the other benefits of first class, but less space.

- First class (domestic flights) - In domestic flights, it's usually just a larger seat, a meal, and drink service before the plane takes off. Not as nice as first class or business class in international flights. Delta has “Premium economy SELECT” which is this but for international flights.

- Premium economy - More legroom than a regular seat, and you get to get on the plane earlier. Sometimes you get nicer snacks. That's mostly it. Sometimes they also guarantee they won't force you to gate-check a bag. In international flights, premium economy seats will sometimes be wider than normal seats.

- Main cabin - "Normal economy." A regular seat. You get free meals for international flights but not domestic flights. You usually get free non-alcoholic drinks and snacks.

- Basic economy - They add restrictions like "you can't choose a seat" and "no free carry-on", to give you a slightly cheaper ticket. Usually to compete with budget airlines.

Budget airlines tend to treat everyone like they're in basic economy, and have nothing be free. Some budget airlines even charge for water.

Getting to the airport

Parking at an airport costs money, usually significant amounts, so most people don't drive to airports. The most straightforward way is usually to get a friend to drive you and another friend to pick you up. Other options include public transit and Uber/Lyft.

Most airports have multiple terminals. Make sure you know which terminal you need to go to (it’ll say on your ticket – you can also google the flight number). If you're driving, there'll be signs for every airline, so you can get directly to the check-in counter for your airline.

People disagree about how early you should get to the airport. Airlines recommend 2 hours for domestic flights and 3 hours for international flights. I usually do 1.5 hours and 2 hours, respectively. You can plan to have lunch at the airport – that way, if you're late, you only miss lunch, instead of missing your flight. Airport lounge access helps with that, because they have free food.

Remember that you have to get on your flight around half an hour before it takes off, so it's often literally impossible to get on the plane if you don't get to the airport at least ~50 minutes ahead of time, even if you don't get unlucky getting through security.

Checking in

You can skip check-in if you already have a ticket (printed from online check-in, or on your phone), and have no baggage to check.

Otherwise, you'll need to find your airline's check-in counter. If you drove, you should be dropped pretty close to it, so just look for signs for your airline. If you're lost, follow signs for "DEPARTURES" or “CHECK-IN”.

Airlines will sometimes talk about check-in fees to scare you into checking in online and printing your ticket beforehand. You don't actually need to – checking in at self-check-in machines is always free. Self-check-in machines are next to the check-in counter, and you should use them.

The one exception is if you have luggage you need to check. Then you'll actually need to go to a check-in counter, let them weigh and take your luggage, and get your ticket from them.

Getting to your plane

Once you have your ticket, you'll need to go through airport security. Thanks to 9/11, this process is kind of a mess.

Your ticket will tell you what gate you should be at. Follow signs for that gate (there'll sometimes be a sign for "ALL GATES" which you can follow instead), and sooner or later you'll get to security.

You'll have to put your carry-on and personal items into a conveyor belt to be scanned. You'll also need to take any laptop out of your carry-on and put your shoes, pocket contents, belt (if any), jacket, and laptop into bins for the scanner.

Then you'll need to walk into a backscatter machine, which will scan you for contraband and also let the security agents see you naked. If you don't want to see you naked, you can instead opt for alternate screening, which involves them groping you all over to look for contraband (they will be annoyed at you if you ask for this, because it's more work for them).

Sometimes, you will be "randomly selected" for additional screening. (You will be "randomly selected" significantly more often if you are brown.) This involves them actually rummaging through your luggage and asking you some questions about what you're bringing. Very rarely, they'll refuse to let you fly, but most of the time they'll just make you throw out the water or knife you accidentally brought.

You'll be able to skip most of this if you have TSA PreCheck.

Speeding up the process

There are various services you can pay for that let you get to your flight more quickly.

- CLEAR will let you skip security lines in most major US airports - TSA PreCheck gets you in a special PreCheck security line (which is usually shorter), and makes the security process go a lot faster - Global Entry lets you skip US customs, in addition to giving you PreCheck - NEXUS lets you skip Canadian customs, in addition to giving you Global Entry

Getting CLEAR is very straightforward, you just pay $99/year (you'll need a free Delta SkyMiles account). You can get it for cheaper/free if you have Delta medallion status.

Getting Global Entry is free if you have an AmEx Platinum or Chase Sapphire Reserve (otherwise, it’s $99 – don’t get it, just get NEXUS).

NEXUS is $50 but requires you to do the interview in a US/Canada border airport.

Global Entry and NEXUS are government programs (which is why they let you skip security), so they require you to go in for an interview, which can be a complicated process. It's totally worth it if you travel a lot, though.

Getting to your plane, part 2

Now that you're past security, continue following signs for your gate until you get there. Then, wait there until your flight starts to board.

Make sure to constantly check signs confirming that your flight is still leaving from there. Flights get gate changes all the time, and you won't always be able to hear the announcement.

You can spend your waiting time inside airport lounges, if you want. This will be nicer and you'll get free food, but airport lounges usually cost money and are not worth it. The main exception is if you have a credit card that lets you in for free (yep, such as AmEx Plat or CSR). This is the thing the AmEx Plat is best at - many credit cards give you Priority Pass membership which give you access to lounges for most international flights, but for domestic flights in the US, mostly only the AmEx Plat gives you free lounge access for US domestic flights.

AmEx and Priority Pass both have phone apps which will tell you, which airports have which lounges open to you, and how to find them.

Delays

Delays are pretty common, especially for budget airlines. Most delays are somewhat minor - after getting on the plane, you sit there for an hour or two while they fix what's wrong, before you can take off.

Sometimes, flights have to get cancelled entirely. More often, a delay will cause you to miss a flight transfer. Either way, you're left stranded in an airport that was not the airport you wanted to end up in.

Fortunately for you, airlines are obligated to get you to your destination eventually (or refund you)! Unfortunately for you, that's basically all they're obligated to do.

I once had to console a woman whose flight was delayed for 5 days - until the day before her return flight. They didn’t even give her a hotel or anything, they just made her sleep in the airport. If you don’t want this to be you, probably don’t fly Spirit Airlines.

But usually, the airline will at least buy you a hotel room and give you food vouchers, if you get delayed over a day.

Getting on your plane

At some point, you'll be asked to board the plane. If you get on the plane too late, you'll often be asked or forced to gate-check your carry-on. This involves giving them your carry-on bag right before you get on the plane, and getting it back at the end of the flight.

Choosing seats

Aisle seats make it easier to go to the bathroom, window seats let you look at scenery, middle seats give you neither benefit and can be pretty uncomfortable if you don't know the people on either side of you (and therefore can't cuddle with them).

Seats near the front of the plane let you get on and off earlier. Getting on earlier is nice because you're more likely to have space in the overhead bins for your carry-ons. Seats near the back of the plane are more likely to be empty, giving you more space. They also tend to be closer to the bathrooms.

Passing time on the plane

You'll need to put your phone in airplane mode before taking off. You also won't be able to use a computer during take-off and landing, so you'll need to be able to entertain yourself somehow during that time (which can be like an hour if you have delays).

Some planes have mini-TVs on every seat that you can use to watch various movies and TV shows for free. Longer flights are more likely to have them. They're not horrible, but they're not particularly nice to use. It's easier to bring a computer/iPad and preload it with movies you want to watch.

Some people bring books.

Some planes have in-flight wi-fi. Again, longer flights are more likely to have it. It'll cost around $20–$50 per flight.

Most first-class flights (except the extremely short ones) will give free meals. In economy, you'll usually only get free meals in international flights. You _can_ order meals on the plane, but most people think they aren't very good, so they eat in airport restaurants instead, or outside of the airport whenever possible.

Getting off the plane, domestic flight edition

Once the plane lands, you'll be able to turn your phone off airplane mode. Don't stand up until they say it's okay. Wait for everyone to get off the plane very slowly. Then get off.

Layovers

A layover is when you take multiple flights, stopping in multiple airports, to get to your final destination. Instead of a direct flight, where you'd just fly directly from one airport to where you want to go.

Short layovers are scary because you might miss your flight. Long layovers tend to be boring (although airport lounge access can alleviate that!). Overnight layovers are hell.

Overnight layovers

Overnight layovers are hell. Most airports hate it if you try to sleep in them. If you're forced to sleep in them due to delays, some of them are slightly nicer and give you cots. If you intentionally bought an overnight layover, though, you're probably sleeping on the floor (airport seats are usually intentionally designed so that you can't lie down in them). There will probably be bright lights and sometimes even loud music.

(On the other hand, it'll probably at least be better than sleeping on an airplane, where you usually won't even be able to lie down unless you're in international business/first class.)

Some airports have attached hotels for you to sleep in. These will cost $200–$400 a night, which will probably be more than what you save getting the flight with the overnight layover.

Some airports and/or lounges have nap areas. These are sometimes free, sometimes around $50/hour, but either way, they usually have time limits of like 2 hours, so you're not getting a full night's sleep in them.

sleepinginairports.net exists, and will helpfully give you advice about the specific airport you plan on sleeping in.

Getting out of the airport, domestic flight edition

Follow signs for "BAGGAGE CLAIM", even if you don't have any checked baggage (it's usually the only way out of the airport). If you do have checked baggage, well, you'll have to wait at baggage claim to pick it up. The baggage claim areas will have screens that tell you which flight's baggage is where.

The car pick-up area is usually near baggage claim. You can also follow signs for "GROUND TRANSPORTATION", which usually means buses and trains. Sometimes there'll be signs for specific kinds of public transit.

Getting out of the airport, international flight edition

During an international flight, you'll be given a customs form to fill out. It'll ask generic stuff like your name and passport number, and specific stuff about your trip, like when you're leaving and where you'll be staying. Customs might quiz you about what you're doing on your trip, so make sure what you write on the form is consistent with what you tell them.

After landing, instead of being in a gate area, signs will direct you to go to "CUSTOMS" (it's hard to get lost because you won't be allowed to go anywhere else), which will lead you through baggage claim to a pick-up area.

Sometimes, like when flying from Canada to the US, you'll go through customs before getting on the plane, rather than after. If you do, the rest of your flight will be treated as a US domestic flight (although you'll still need a passport to get on the plane).

#air travel #how to money

16 notes · View notes

thesewomenrulemyworld · 3 years

Text

best books on options trading Arkansas

Post Outline

futures options trading Arkansas Diving Into the DetailsOptions, like insurance policies, have a contract period.

automated options trading Arkansas I talked more about Fastly�s after hours tumble and explained how I�ve been playing the stock moving forward.

trading spy weekly options Arkansas If you own shares of a company and are nervous about the short-term outlook, you can buy a put to cap your losses.

learning options trading Arkansas But I could allocate that money into some safe dividend stocks and boost my returns that way.

day trading options pdf Arkansas I was in awe as I read the book: The Option Traders Hedge Fund.

advanced options trading Arkansas I bought a single Nikola put contract which did well.

understanding options trading Arkansas This situation occurs in the same sort of events as are popular for the straddle strategy, but the trader is more confident that the change in price will be extreme.

options trading rules Arkansas An index fund will never go down by 80% in a single day, but it will also never quintuple in a single day.

trading 60 second binary options Arkansas StrangleA strangle options strategy is similar to a straddle, but it uses the simultaneous purchase of call options and put options at different strike prices.

Although I started to understand some of the theories, I had trouble picturing them in action. Suzy admitted in our email exchanges how it�s one of those things that only makes sense once you start doing it. Unfortunately, when you work at a bank, the compliance department attempts to prevent you from doing anything meaningful with your life, including trading options. Yes, I may sound cynical, but I�m calling it how it is. Although I was dying to put some trades on, I had to wait until I quit my job. Which leads me to�The Joy of Pushing Buttons For MyselfTwo years after my catch-up with Suzy, I was officially unemployed. YESSSSSSSSSSSS!For the first time since I started in finance, I was free to log in to my brokerage account and trade whatever the hell I wanted. �Damn it feels good to be a gangsta�Geto BoysIt was now time to grow a pair and start trading options. I had signed up for a newsletter that Suzy suggested, which provides regular trade ideas. That was perfect as it provided a framework to follow. Man, was it was exciting.

Key Approaches:

best program options trading Arkansas

options trading practice program Arkansas

ninjatrader options trading Arkansas

trading earnings with options Arkansas

options trading crash course download Arkansas Setting out a further expiration date also increases your premiums.

In this example, the loss from the trade would be maximized at either $35 or $45, while the trade would be profitable somewhere between the $35 to $45 range. The profit from the butterfly position would be maximized at $40. Options traders use the butterfly option strategy when they wish to bet on little or no upcoming price change. The purchased options act as a form of insurance against major price changes, putting a ceiling on the potential losses from the trade. Covered CallA covered call uses the actual underlying security to cover the potential losses of writing call options on the security. For example, if the option trader owns shares of company A, they can write call options at a higher strike price for a matching number of shares. If the price of the shares goes above the strike price, then the losses are capped by simply trading the shares that the option writer already owns when the options are exercised. If the price of the shares rise yet fail to reach the strike price, then the option trader gains both from the increase in the underlying shares and the premium gained from the written calls expiring worthless. If the price of the shares fall, then the loss in the value of the underlying shares is somewhat offset by the premium from the written options that expired worthless. Option traders use covered calls when they like the long term prospects of a security they own, but feel that the price is unlikely to increase in the short term or may even fall. In this case they are able to gain the premium from writing the call options with the security of owning the shares in case that the options expire in the money.

trading options greg harmon pdf Arkansas I was both excited and curious to see what he was up to.

I can best illustrate this with a real trade I recently closed (obviously cherry-picked):On Feb 12th this year, a week before the market started it�s COVID-19 free fall, the SMH Vaneck Semiconductor ETF was trading at $150. I sold a put option for March 6 expiry at $140 and received $100 of premium/income. Of course, the market tanked, and the trade was underwater. I, therefore, kept rolling the trade further out in time until the price recovered. On June 5th, I was able to close it finally for a profit of $500, much more then my initial premium received. The reason for the increased profit was because as the share price dropped, volatility had a massive spike.

weekly options trading Arkansas After the usual formalities and a beer in, I asked him.

If the S&P 500 is trading at around 3,000, then perhaps you�ll want to protect against a decline of more than 20%. This protection can be achieved by purchasing options contracts at the price of 2,400 (20% below the current market). What�s remarkable is that you or I can be the one selling the options contract in that example. All we need to do is place a sell order on an options exchange. What threw me off initially was learning how trading options for income is no different from being an insurance salesman. Many options traders consider themselves to be in the insurance industry. I was in awe as I read the book: The Option Traders Hedge Fund. The central premise from the author is how an options trader is a one-person insurance company, operating a solo business. The insurance business is summed up in a few bullet points:Calculating the risk for insurance policies soldReceiving adequate premiums for those insurance policiesPurchasing �re-insurance� to protect against tail-end risks like natural disasters, e. g. , flooding.

investopedia options trading Arkansas If you set a strike price of $20 and the stock goes up to $25, you have to sell your shares at $20 each rather than at $25 each.

2 I paid for re-insurance).

youtube

frank richmond options trading crash course pdf Arkansas Just a month earlier, that number would have been in negative territory as the index was lower.

When I started this a year ago, my broker was paying me 1. 9% for idle USD in the account, so I was quite happy leaving it. However, that�s obviously not the case anymore, with interest rates at zero. But I could allocate that money into some safe dividend stocks and boost my returns that way. Which is somewhat the approach I�m taking. My Path ForwardTrading options may sound sexy, but it�s pretty tedious. I�ve entered over a thousand executions into my spreadsheet this past year, which is something I LOVE doing. I used to have to make manual trade confirmations at work. Now I do it to record my profits!I feel like a kid counting pennies added to his piggy bank. Except this one pays to feed my family!That said, the more you learn, the more you realize how little you know. And that�s how I feel right now.

trading options school Arkansas 6% for a total annual return of 16.

I�ve put on similar trades repeatedly over the year and so let�s dive into the results. Here�s My ScorecardOne year after starting, with over a thousand executions, lots of late nights trading the US market from Asia, and endless hours of studying, I�ve logged a total profit of $29,753. Below is the breakdown per month. April and May of this year are write-offs because I was inactive. I hid under the blanket as the market was in free fall. I was pretty crafty in March, trading bearish strategies, but I put on only a single trade in April that was buying a put option on the S&P in case the market tanked further. We know that didn�t happen and so I lost that money. And in May, I didn�t put any new trades. My only activity was rolling existing positions further out in time. Excluding those two months, my average return on capital at risk was 1. 6% for a total annual return of 16.

investopedia options trading course nitroflare Arkansas In this example, he has paid me $1 for this insurance.

Below is the breakdown per month. April and May of this year are write-offs because I was inactive. I hid under the blanket as the market was in free fall. I was pretty crafty in March, trading bearish strategies, but I put on only a single trade in April that was buying a put option on the S&P in case the market tanked further. We know that didn�t happen and so I lost that money. And in May, I didn�t put any new trades. My only activity was rolling existing positions further out in time. Excluding those two months, my average return on capital at risk was 1. 6% for a total annual return of 16. 4%What�s worth noting is, even though my average capital at risk was $186,000/month, my trade duration was, on average less than two weeks. Meaning I only had $96k of capital at risk at any one time, rather than $186k.

Critical Ideas:

options trading companies Arkansas

weekly options trading systems Arkansas

options trading in india Arkansas

options trading bots alerts Arkansas

0 notes

if-u-seek-jamie · 6 years

Text

A cry for help? No... I have the self control and I’m safe. A cry for love and attention? Yeah, that sounds more like me lol I do way too much for attention.

This whole post is a major TW/CW for self-harm, depression, anxiety, BPD (and FPing), PTSD, mental illness, suicide, hospitalization, sex, sexual assault, abuse/intimate partner violence, trauma, substance abuse

I’m pouring my heart out and opening up more than I usually do on Facebook. I’m feeling... desperately alone and misunderstood these days. I basically am gonna spill everything going on in my brain EXCEPT for things that I am still ashamed of and keep secret. LOL yeah, with everything I am comfortable being open talking about, I STILL have secrets. Can you believe that?! Me neither... I’m also going to talk about some specific people in this post, as well, but as per my style of hiding/protecting identities, a lot of them are gonna be named “Bobbert,” “Bobbert 2,” “Bobbert 3,” etc., regardless of gender, because that is what I call everyone when hiding their identities. There will also be names that I don’t protect, like Sara and Ivan, etc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have pretty good self-control lately. I don’t know, I don’t think I will actually hurt myself. But wow, I keep getting the urge to.

Wow, I’ve barely posted anything but selfies on here in ages. wh00ps.

I’m pretty open about the fact that I have mental illnesses on Facebook. I’m an open book, everybody knows. But I think I keep it kind of tame, and sometimes make jokes about it. Like “lol I think I have a makeup addiction hahahaha can’t believe the people at Ulta don’t know who I am by now!”

It’s not a joke, though. I have no idea how to cope with life. I just.... overspend and overspend and overspend on makeup. I go to Ulta just about every day if I don’t have the late shift at work, if I don’t have plans. I’m just like “I need to get out of the house and makeup makes me feel pretty and makes me feel happy so I’m going to use that as an excuse to leave the house and go buy more.” And I can’t stop. And when I’m at home, I spend a good amount of time watching makeup videos on YouTube and reading through threads in Makeup groups on Facebook to come up with other products to buy. I just cannot stop.

And eating. I just keep overeating. “I’ll save leftovers for lunch at work tomorrow. hahahaha jk I’m gonna eat the whole thing now. And then I’m gonna cook more food. Midnight runs to the supermarket for some ice cream? You bet!” The binging is definitely real. I’m glad I haven’t relapsed on the purging, though I get the urge.

I keep getting the urge to cut myself. It has been over a year since I’ve done it and I hope I don’t give in. But, oh my god, I have had the biggest urge to do that lately. And I accidentally cut myself shaving last week while I was having these urges the most and that just made me want to do it more, but I also think it satisfied the urge at the same time? I don’t even know. I’ve also gotten the urge to get high but I refuse to ever let myself fall back down that hole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I began high school, I was bitter. I was very very bitter about the last couple years in my life. These two girls... We’ll call them Bobbert and Bobbert 2... They bullied me relentlessly in middle school for being gay and fat. It got so bad, I had to get the school’s police officer involved. It was when I first felt suicidal.

And then that last summer before high school, I was the chosen target of my bunk at summer camp. I was the chosen target of their bullying. Why? I have no idea.

So when I started high school? I was bitter. I’m not going to protect names this time. I met this girl Audrey. My instinct was to stay away from her because she looked like an angry person and she reeked of cigarette and marijuana smoke. But we were assigned to be “phone buddies” in our literature class because everyone else was partnered up and we were the only two left. And then she was in my gym class. And somehow, we ended up becoming best friends. I thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. I really wanted to impress her, I really wanted her to like me and think I was cool. She literally taught me what I should and should not like. And she was... mean. If you did’t agree with her on things, she would be mean to you about it... but it was always played off as a joke, and you had to laugh along with it, all the while seeking her approval. But I thought that was admirable. I thought it was so cool and badass and I wanted to be like that. I became a meaner person when I was best friends with her. And, a couple of my close friends know this, and it’s weird for me to admit on something that I am posting publicly... But I eventually had convinced myself that I was in love with her. She was my first BPD “favorite person.” I was very codependent on her and I convinced myself that I was in love with her and I would do literally anything and everything to try to impress her or make her happy, or get her attention.

So when I went to her house and we met up with all her friends and they all decided to get high? I wanted to try it. And it was fun! But after that? Suddenly, every time I went to hang out with her, all she wanted to do was get high. Every single time. So I went with it. I always just did whatever Audrey wanted to do. And then she started hanging out with Alex (who she only became friends with because Alex and I were friends since like Kindergarten or first grade or something, but whatever). Audrey and Alex had multiple classes together that year, and I had no classes with either of them. So they grew closer with each other. So then all three of us started hanging out together, and instead of just me and Audrey, it became me and Audrey and Alex. And then we started doing harder drugs. It got to the point when we were doing MDMA on a regular basis and my serotonin levels were shot because MDMA kills the serotonin in your brain. I’d also steal medications from people, including morphine, which is a form of heroin. Sometimes, we’d take pills even when we didn’t know what they were. My brain was shot. I was at the lowest I had ever been. To top it off, Audrey and Alex were getting closer and closer and I was slowly but surely feeling shut out and neglected, like I didn’t matter. One morning at school, I met up with Audrey and Alex and Audrey’s other friends in the morning before 1st block like we always did, and everyone stood in a circle and I was literally closed/blocked out of the circle, standing on the outside of the circle. Ignored, unnoticed, neglected. I decided that was the last straw, I lost it. My FP didn’t give a FUCK about me. All she fucking cared about was drugs and getting high and Alex. But I was literally nothing in her eyes. So I got home from school, and both my parents were at work and my brother was staying after school and my sister was away at college, and i was all alone. So I grabbed a bottle of pills and chucked some down and I tried to kill myself because “She will notice me and care about me when I am dead.” I was hospitalized. When I came back home, I found out that nobody even noticed I was missing. The only reason Audrey noticed - after a few days - was because my friend Jessica messaged her, “Do you know what happened to Jamie? Didn’t you see her post on tumblr? She took a bunch of pills and I don’t know what happened.” When I got home, Audrey’s solution to my depression was just to get high.

Anyway, the reason I don’t protect Audrey or Alex’s names comes up now.

That summer was the first time I drank alcohol. Like, yeah, I do all these drugs but I have never drank alcohol LOL go figure, right? Anyway, we got our drug dealer, David... he also had a fake ID so we got him to buy us alcohol. And since he got the alcohol, we let him drink with us. I’m drunk off my ass for the first time in my life. David sees this “opportunity.” He literally asks Audrey for her permission to take me off to a separate room and do whatever he pleases with me. And she “consents” on my behalf. So I’m laying there, 16, drunk, pants off, not really sure what’s going on. And then I feel something rubbing against me. And I guess I wasn’t as drunk as David hoped I would be. Because I realized what he was doing. And I flipped out. I was not about to let him have sex with me. He goes “Shh, shhh! Stop freaking out or your friends are going to think something is happening!” But I don’t really drop it so he gives up and we go back to join my “friends.” Audrey literally gave me up to a rapist, and Alex was complicit in this.

That wasn’t the last time it happened.

A few months later.... It’s my 17th birthday. I go to the zoo with my family, but then instead of going home with them after, they drop me off at Audrey’s house so I can have a “birthday sleepover” with my friends. We smoke. We take some pills that we don’t even know what they are. We meet up with David again so that he can get us alcohol again. This time, he’s got a couple friends with him... Jeff and Ivan. Jeff was like 23 I think, Ivan was his older brother, so mid to late twenties. This is my 17th birthday with these grown ass men. We break into this gas station that either Jeff or Ivan worked at, and we party in there. I’m smoking, I’m on pills, and I’m drinking. 3 substances mixed together in my blood. I’m on cloud 9, I’m barely even mentally there. Next thing you know, the guys decide to play spin the bottle. The oldest one, Ivan... he lands on me at one point. And he just goes at it. Just full on making out with my barely conscious body. I felt myself fading. Next thing I know, he picks me up and carries me to the corner of the room, and next thing you know, my pants are off, and I feel myself fading and fading and I’m not really sure what’s happening. Ivan asks me “Sex?” I can barely speak, but I mutter out a “No!” And he asks me again. And I say “No!” again. “Why?” he asks. “I don’t know!” I can barely speak, I can barely move a muscle. I feel myself leaving my body. I have no control. And he starts going down on me. And next thing I know, I pass out and I’m unconscious. And I wake up laying motionless and drooling, naked on top of this naked grown ass man. I don’t know how I got there. I start shaking. Trying to move. I find out that my dear friend Audrey just stood around drinking beers with David, watching this grown man rape me.

I tried to remain friends with them, but that only lasted another month. Apparently after watching Ivan rape me on my birthday, Audrey and Alex decided to start telling all of their other friends that I was a sloppy slut and I just went and fucked this older guy, and they started saying horrible things about me every chance they got. And I stopped being friends with them... and they played it off like “Good! Now we can go to more parties and do more drugs because we couldn’t go before because nobody likes you!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was Sara. The only person I ever “fell in love” with who ever claimed to love me back. My next MAJOR “Favorite Person.” I met her at an event the first semester of my sophomore year of college/her freshman year. We were sat at the same table at this event, and I could tell right away that she was gay. She was so butch and obvious. And DAMN, was she fucking CUTE. It was the very end of the semester when I met her. Then we were on Winter Break. And she found me on Facebook somehow and added me, and started messaging me and flirting with me. I thought she was so adorable. She talked to me about Disney. She asked me about my dog. I found out that my dog was sick and dying in this time, and she asked me about it and was there for me and that really got me right away. I was already head over heals because “this super cute girl thinks that I’m beautiful and cares about if I’m doing okay?!?!?!”

So then Spring semester started and we met up right away. And the very first day we met up, we kissed. And just a couple days later, she started coming to my suite every day and sleeping over. She would bring cookie dough and treats for my suitemates and me. She spoiled me right from the beginning and it felt GREAT. Everything happened VERY QUICKLY.

The first night she slept over was unintentional. We were just hanging out in my room. My roommate had moved out because she got pregnant, so I had my own room. We were cuddling. And then she attempted to get sexual with me, but I was clearly nervous and hesitant, but she was very persistent. And then she just ended up sleeping over and rushing to class in the morning. She messaged me later in the day, apologizing for pressuring me into sexual activity; that she could see I wasn’t ready and she “felt bad” for pressuring me. I said it was fine.

A couple days later, I was in my suite when I got a phone call from her. She had vertigo and had to go to the ER. All she wanted was to talk to me. So I talked to her on the phone. She came back to campus not too long later. We were hanging out in my suite. She said she had a club meeting to go to. So I was like “Oh, okay, I also have a club meeting to go to. I was on e-board for this club but I had to quit, but I was told they were doing something nice for me tonight so I have to go.” And she was like “Okay.” But then later she was mad. “Why are you going to that club meeting? I was in the hospital today. All I wanted to do when I got back was to be with you and feel better. All I could think about, all I wanted was you.” And I said “But you were going to a club meeting, too?” And she says “Well I was going to skip it because I wanted to be with you.” “But I made a commitment.” “Well I should be more important!! I was testing you!!!” “But you told me that it was okay if I go and you said you were going somewhere else anyway!” “FINE! Go! But we’re done!” Keep in mind we’re not even an official couple yet... So anyway, I go to the club meeting anyway... But all I can think about is how Sara is mad at me. I’m having an anxiety attack. I leave early, crying, texting and calling Sara and begging her to forgive me, I’m so so so sorry. She eventually goes “You’re right. You made a commitment and I told you I was going somewhere else anyway so it wasn’t fair for me to get mad at you. I overreacted.” And we were fine. Or not really.... I should have taken this incident as a red flag, but I didn’t, I blamed myself.

Superbowl Sunday/Puppybowl Sunday that year was February 1st. Apparently, at the Puppybowl Party, my friend Erica touched my thigh??? I don’t remember. But according to Sara, it happened. And I was no longer allowed to hang out with Erica without Sara’s permission. “Sara, Erica doesn’t even like women!” It didn’t matter. She touched my thigh. It meant she wanted me. It meant she was a threat to Sara. I wasn’t allowed to be her friend.

Sara wanted to wait until Valentine’s Day to ask me out officially. She thought it would be cute if our anniversary was on Valentine’s Day. I was NOT having it! I didn’t want the holiday ruined forever if we ended up breaking up. So Sara liked to joke around like “I’m breaking up with you!” And I would keep pushing her by saying “You can’t break up with me if we’re not dating!” And I kept pushing her and making it obvious that I was NOT happy with the waiting. So on February 3rd, she caved in and asked me to be her girlfriend, and I was ECSTATIC. I had a club meeting for Disney Club later that night. I was on the e-board, so I was obligated to go. Sara had work. She texted me after her shift ended, she wanted to see me. I was in the club meeting, so she had to come to the meeting. She walks in the room and her face drops. Erica is there. Sara sits next to me angrily. Her face is scaring the fuck out of me. She’s clenching her fists. She’s whispering nasty things to me. She’s being so horrible to me. Nobody notices. I’m holding back tears. After Disney Club meetings, everyone usually goes to Late Night Dining in the dining hall together, but Sara was ANGRY, so I told everyone I was gonna call it a night and Sara and I head back to my room. Once we’re away from everyone else, she starts yelling at me. “I told you not to hang out with her without me!” “I can’t control who goes to the meetings! I can’t tell her she’s not allowed to go, and I’m on e-board, I HAVE to be there!” “Well you could have at least texted me and told me she was there!” The yelling escalates and she’s screaming at me and I’m crying. And then she very quickly stops and turns at me, and that was the first time she ever raised her fist to me. The very first day we were “official.”

It got worse and worse every day after that, but I remember that one more than most of the others because it was the first time. But every day after that... She would find some reason to scream at me and insult me and throw punches towards my head. Sex suddenly became rough sex and rough sex only, and no, she wouldn’t change it up because all of a sudden she “didn’t know how to have sex without being rough.” I knew this was untrue because she wasn’t like that before. But now, suddenly she was. I had no choice. There would be times when I wasn’t in the mood for sex, but to her that became all I was good for. “I’m not in the mood.” “I’ll put you in the mood.” I would literally try to fight her and push her off of me. My own girlfriend raped me. So many times I lost count. One time when she did it, I said “You just assaulted me.” And she said “Fine, then I’ll never touch you again!” And that was not what I wanted at all. So then I just started taking it. She would scream at me and throw punches at me and threaten to leave me at least three times a day. I don’t even know how many times she raped me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was Bobbert #3. I loved him so much. I still do. He is still my FP, but we both handle it so much better now, and I’m not as attached as I used to be.

We had a relationship, but it wasn’t a *relationship.* You see, he never loved me the way I loved him, and he never could. He admittedly used me to experiment with his sexuality... and he tried to force himself to want me, but he couldn’t.

And he has opposite mental health issues from me. We handle our mental health very differently. I became exhausting for him to deal with... He began to neglect me. I started feeling worthless and unlovable and like I meant nothing. Feelings were becoming similar to how I felt with Audrey, but nowhere near as bad. But I did end up having meaningless sex with someone else when I felt lonely one night (it wasn’t cheating; we weren’t monogomous or in a *relationship relationship,* ya feel?). Bobbert #4, I guess? And Bobbert #4 disgusted me and violated my boundaries, and I went with it to try to fill this neglected void, but I just fell into another deep depression. But I stayed with Bobbert #3. All I wanted in my life was for Bobbert #3 to love me. I kept feeling neglected. I eventually had a mental breakdown and tied a noose in my closet, and the breakdown got worse when I realized the material wasn’t strong enough and wouldn’t work. Bobbert #3 and my other suitemate found me crying in my closet. They got together with someone else and reported me to counseling services and I was so angry.

And I was just in this great depression from my PTSD from being with Sara and my obsession with Bobbert #3 and I failed all my classes that semester and didn’t graduate school on time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A month or two later, I was finally diagnosed with BPD and everything started to make sense and I have been able to learn when I’m being irrational or splitting, I haven’t engaged in self-harm behaviors since then, I have been able to pin-point and control my symptoms and I’m doing so much better with self-control but the thoughts and feelings I have are still real and I don’t know if they will ever be normal, but I haven’t gotten a new FP since the last story so who knows, tbh.... I’d like to think that I will be able to figure out how to love and be loved back, and I’d like to think that I will be treated right one day, and that I will have a non-toxic relationship one day. I don’t know if it is possible, but I’d like to think it is. I mostly blame like everyone else in my life. My therapist blames certain family members of mine and things from my childhood, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about that. BUT, while it feels good to be able to say “Hey, I was never the bad person in these situations!” I still know I can’t deny any responsibility. Right? I mean, maybe?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few friends already know this story and know exactly who I am talking about even though I’m concealing the name for the sake of this post so if any of you actually read this far, for the sake of this post, his name is Bobbert.

Some background info: 1) In my friend group(s), I am the most vocally sex-positive person of the group, and the least innocent friend. 2) In the past when I have had random hookups with people I didn’t love, it ended with me crying and self-harming and ultimately falling into a deep depression.

So back in April, my friend Bobbert randomly hit me up on Facebook messenger to ask me to “hook up” with him.

This was a man who... I had ultimately *convinced* myself I had a crush on him because he liked to give me hugs and cuddles, and although he liked to do that with all of his friends, it seemed more excessive with me. And so I felt special, so I convinced myself that I HAD to like him because he gave me attention because LOL me being me, I don’t know how to differentiate touchy-feely-attention from true feelings.

But I also never thought he would pull such a douchebag move. To just be like “sooo you wanna hook up?” He never seemed like the type of guy to do that. I mean, just a few days before he asked me this, I could have sworn he was dry-humping me while we were cuddling- IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS- but I convinced myself that I was imagining that because he certainly wouldn’t do something like that without saying anything first, and CERTAINLY not IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS. So I brushed it off. But I still had a feeling that there was some tension between us of some sort, and I figured something would happen between us eventually. But I did not expect it to be done so disrespectfully. I thought whatever was going on would come up naturally, in a respectful manner, in person... Not “do you wanna hook up?” over Facebook messenger.

My initial reaction was that, as the only vocally sex-positive and least innocent friend of the friend group, I was being objectified by my friend. My heart honestly sank as I realized that I didn’t mean anything more than a body to this person who I considered a friend. That I was being treated as an object. After everything all of my friends know I’ve been through, and with all of my friends being fully aware that I have BPD and RAD. I just felt like everything was becoming clear, and I am worthless, disposable... I am an object that does not have feelings. In addition, because I am prone to self-harming after meaningless sex, I wanted to try this thing where I *don’t* hook up with people that I am not in a relationship with.

So anyway, I eventually answered him and said “ummmmm I don’t really hook up with people like that...” And he was like “omg I’m so sorry I made this awkward blah blah blah.”

Anyway, I was like 45 min away from home when this happened, and I was with friends... So at the end of the night, I took the 45 minute drive to think and reflect and when I got home, I messaged him again and I was like “Listen... I was flustered when you messaged me because I was at this club meeting... I have noticed there has been some tension between us, I would be lying if I said otherwise, I think we need to have a discussion.” So then the next morning, Bobbert reads my message, but doesn’t message me back for a few hours and when he does he’s deflecting like “oh sorry I was just sleep deprived and loopy, I don’t want to complicate our friendship in any way....” biiiiitch, you already complicated our fucking friendship. So I’m not taking his bullshit, I’m like “nah but we still need to talk.” Again, he reads my message and waits A COUPLE HOURS to respond and he just says “yeah you’re probably right.” So anyway, this goes back and forth with him leaving me on “read” over and over again and I’m feeling more and more disrespected and angrier and angrier the longer he keeps me waiting. But eventually we agree to meet up for dinner a couple days later so we can talk.

So we meet up... and I’m pretty good at standing my ground at first. He’s kind of derailing, avoiding the subject, and I’m like “Bobbert.” So eventually he’s like “Jamie.... I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to you.... But I’m not wanting to date anyone while I’m in grad school.” And I’m like “Okay....” And I just basically tell him I’m not attracted to him at all. Even though I had just a week earlier been convinced I had a crush? I don’t know, And anyway, he’s like “So I’m sexually attracted to you but not romantically, like, at all.” Like, ok Bobbert, then why did you bring up dating half a minute ago when you said you’re not ready to date while you’re in school? Like if you already decided you didn’t wanna date at all, why did you bring that up in the first place. Are you deflecting or are you just that dumb and heartless or? So I’m basically just like “ok.” & he’s like “So we’re on the same page? Not romantically interested in each other at all?” & I’m like “Not at all.” Whatever. So then it’s my turn to talk I wanted to make him realize why the way he objectified me after all my experiences with sexual violence and dating violence was an issue. I wanted him to realize that trying to build up intimacy with me just for sex, knowing that I have BPD and attachment issues, was extremely disrespectful of my well-being. But then I realized that I didn’t really want to talk about my history of sexual assault and domestic violence and mental illness in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

So we went back to my house to talk somewhere more privately. I set clear boundaries. I explained to him why I was offended and hurt. I explained to him that I have trouble saying no to people because I really really love attention, and he was giving me a lot of attention. I asked “Do you respect me?” and he said “Yes.” I believed him and boundaries were set. But then two seconds later, he cuddles up to me. And then he starts groping me. And I say, “Ummm... what’s going on?” & he’s like “I’m cuddling you... sexually... Is that okay?” And because he had just told me he respected me, and I felt like we just had a respectful discussion, I was like “Yeah I guess.” And one thing led to another, and even though I had set boundaries, we somehow ended up hooking up anyway?????? I was not enjoying any second of it. I even told him “I am not enjoying this. At all. This is never happening ever again.”

And then we didn’t see each other again for almost 2 months??? I really want to remain his friend. I don’t know how possible it is.

We went to Six Flags together a couple weeks ago. And then things got a little too flirty again. And ya know what? A lot of that was my fault. I instigated and initiated a lot of that. There was excessive hand holding and hugs and cuddles and hands on thighs. And a lot of that was MY fault.

I just tell this story to show how vulnerable I am right now, how desperately I desire and crave love and affection and attention. I literally cannot resist it. Even when I know I’m just hurting myself... I will engage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I kind of just hate myself. I think that I am too much to deal with. I will never be loved and I don’t deserve to be loved and I am meant to be lonely forever. And I try and try and try but I’m only 23 years old and I’ve already dealt with so much abuse and assault, I’ve lost count. These weren’t even all of the stories, either... Just what is the point of life anymore when I’ve gone through all this? I’ve gone through enough personal trauma to last 3 lifetimes, and I’m not even 25 years old yet. This is just SOME of the stuff I have to battle with every day. Just a little glimpse. I just don’t understand why me...

1 note · View note