#and I am really and truly crossing my fingers and praying and putting good vibes out
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TRICKY
pairing: elf! na jaemin x reader (f) **halloweenie special**
genre: smut, supernatural au
word count: 3k
warnings: {OKAY IM PUTTING A WARNING FOR VERY MILD *DUB-CON* BC TECHNICALLY THE READER IS TRICKED , BUT IN THE END OBVIOUSLY CONSENTS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED}, sexual content (fingering, dry humping), explicit language, use of several pet names, possessive behavior and vocabulary, reader just wants to find her damn cat but gets a whole lot more than that, bad attempts at explaining folklore, I’m sorry for any inaccuracies 😬 **ALSO UNEDITED**
a/n: **repost bc tumblr sucks** this is definitely more of my own spin on what I think an elf would be like, so sorry to those of you who are into the lore and stuff 🥺
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~10/14/2020~
~~~~
your grandmother was always a very smart woman, and you knew that very well. so when she told you not to do something, you made sure to NEVER do it.
you lived with her on the very outskirts of your town; your own backyard made up of a very dense forest with enough trees in it to block out almost all sunlight. your bedroom window faced the forest, and every night you were forced to stare at it as you sat at your desk, contemplating what went on in there.
your grandmother repeatedly told you to never go in there, no matter what, ever since you were a child. she would talk about all kinds of crazy things, like witches and faeries, and even elves.
the first time she told you about the dark forest, you were only six years old.
“you can’t go in there, y/n.” she said seriously, crouching before you as you stood in the kitchen with her. “no matter how much it may call you, you can never enter it.”
you didn’t understand, so of course, in typical child fashion, you questioned her.
“well why not?” you shot back, crossing your arms and pouting. she stood back up after looking at you for a second, going back to mixing brownie batter in a large bowl.
“the fae are dangerous creatures. the forest is littered with them, my dear.” she stopped for a moment, gazing out the kitchen window and into the thick gathering of trees and plant life. “the elves will claim you once you enter, and you may never be able to escape again.”
after that, she didn’t say much else to you about it.
at first, you thought she was just trying to scare you into not wandering off, but after a while you began to believe her.
there would be strange noises in the night; like whispers calling out to you from the direction of your window. it creeped you out but you tried to convince yourself it was just your imagination playing tricks on you.
your life continued on like that for years, and eventually it didn’t phase you at all. you were used to the nightly whispers now, and even your cat didn’t seem to mind them, if she could hear them at all.
you never told your grandmother about them, however. she was getting old and you didn’t want to be the reason she had a heart attack, as awful as that sounded.
for being as old as she was, she still got around pretty good, and there were days when she left you along for a good few hours to go out on walks with her other old lady friends.
it was really cute.
today was just like any other day like that; your grandmother left around eleven in the morning to go out, leaving you some breakfast on the counter for when you inevitably stumbled out of your room at one o’clock in the afternoon.
everything seemed normal. you ate in silence and scrolled through your phone at the kitchen table, but then noticed something was right.
looking around you, you noticed your cat was nowhere in sight. she would usually be up on the table sitting and staring at you or rubbing against your leg for no reason, but currently she was nowhere to be found.
at first you just assumed she was sleeping somewhere else, but after eating you searched the house and couldn’t find her anywhere. walking back into the kitchen you happened to glance outside and your heart jumped in your chest.
then you started to panic.
looking out into the backyard you saw her stark white fur disappear into the thick brush of the forest, and you almost screamed out loud at the sight.
“fuck,” you exclaimed, your heart racing and your mind thinking of all the ways to try to get her back. you were always advised to not go into the forest...but you couldn’t let your poor cat who you loved very dearly to get mauled out there by some bigger animal.
you had to go after her.
you mustered you all the courage you had inside you, not bothering to change out of your ratty shorts and t-shirt before shoving your feet in your sneakers. you let out a shaky breath as you walked into your backyard, staring down the darkness of the forest with determination.
as you apprehensively made your way to the very entrance of the brush, you spotted a large crooked stick, and didn’t hesitate to grab it to use as a weapon if necessary.
you didn’t want to be completely defenseless against any supernatural creatures you came across. you had a gut feeling that running into one would be inevitable, and the fear rang like a siren in the back of your mind like a sonata.
the ‘do not enter’ and ‘keep out: danger’ signs did nothing to ease your pounding heart and screaming nerves, but you pressed on regardless. you had to do this, for your stupid cat.
with one large step, you passed the boundary of the trees, the wind picking up as soon as you did. a chill ran down your spine but you kept your legs moving, careful not to break your ankles on any protruding roots. it was incredibly dark, even though the sun was high in the sky, but the leaves of the towering trees cut out almost all light.
you stumbled around aimlessly for what felt like hours, but in reality it had only probably been about 45 minutes before you stopped and took a breather. checking your phone for the time, you felt a pang in your chest when you realized that it was off, and wouldn’t turn back on no matter how hard you tried.
“fuck,” you muttered, fear creeping up on your soul once again. you really didn’t want to be in this forest longer than necessary, and you really seriously contemplated just leaving your cat behind, as horrible as that was.
your eyes gazed around, taking in the trees surrounding you. nothing seemed too out of the ordinary...all though you really though you saw a few small dashes of light fly around you through your periphery. you prayed that they weren’t pixies or fairies of whatever else your grandmother told you about.
you didn’t trust anything, no matter how beautiful or non-threatening they seemed to be on the outside.
“hello there.” a voice spoke out suddenly, causing you to jump and spin around, dropping your makeshift weapon in the process.
your eyes met the sight of a young man who looked to be around your age, with a slightly unsettling smile upon his face. he was almost too handsome; the beauty that emanated from him in waves was incredibly addicting, and you felt the pull of him immediately. it was hard to tear your eyes away, and that scared you.
you had no idea where he had come from, nor did you know how he managed to so quietly sneak up behind you like he did. you definitely would have heard him coming, considering the amount of twigs and leaves littering the ground at your feet.
your heart raced at the possibility of who, or what, he was, your mind trying to go through everything your sweet old grandmother ever told you. some inner part of you already knew what you were dealing with.
“don’t hurt yourself, darling,” the man spoke again, referencing to your mind working in overtime. he took a step forward toward you, and in turn you took a large stumbling step back. he watched you move, chuckling. “I’m jaemin, care to tell me your name?”
“n-no,” you managed to say, your hands clutched at your chest as you tried to calm your racing heart. you swore you saw his eyes flicker a bright aquamarine for a moment before returning back to brown as his smile faltered slightly. It came back a split second later.
“you’re a smart girl,” he purred, most likely realizing that you knew he wasn’t human, inching closer once more. you felt frozen, unable to step back like you truly wanted to, and you willed yourself not to panic. “you know what I am, I presume?”
your lips shook as you opened your mouth to speak, your tongue running over your chapped lips and he watched every single movement, causing your body to shiver.
“I have a-an idea,” you softly whispered, not breaking eye contact as he stopped in front of you. he didn’t say a word, only smiling at you as you stayed frozen in your spot. one word screamed in your mind: elf. you didn’t even have to look at his pointed ears to deduct that. the vibe he gave off was abundantly clear, even if you had never encountered another being of his kind before.
it didn’t feel like he was compelling you; it was more or less your reaction to the immense shock and fear you felt, coming in contact with a creature your grandmother always warned you about.
and it’s all because of your dumb cat.
“l-look dude, I’m just trying to find my cat.” you stated strongly now, holding your ground as best you could as he looked at you intensely, that slightly unsettling smile never leaving his face.
“once it entered the forest it became mine.” he simply retorted, leaning against the tree trunk beside him. “anything that passes the trees here belongs to me…” he paused for a moment, his eyes now glowing a full bright aquamarine, startling you as he seared his gaze through your very soul. “so I guess that means you’re mine as well. how lucky.”
the elf spoke softly, but there was an edge to his tone that made you shiver, paired with his choice of words.
“I-I’m not..” you stuttered, your fists clenched by your sides. was he the ruler of the forest? some sort of elf king?
“you’re not?” he asked, chuckling to himself as he pushed his body from the tree, slowly slithering toward you on his bare feet. “did you not hear what I said? everything in this forest is mine. that includes living creatures,” you had no willpower to move away as he crowded your space, his glowing eyes paralyzing you as his body drew closer and closer. “I wonder what I should do with my new possession.” he smirked to himself, reaching a pale hand out to gently cup your chin, laughing lowly as you instinctively flinched. “you are without a doubt the prettiest thing I’ve seen enter my domain in years, princess. I’ve been waiting for you.”
his last sentence threw you off, but for a moment your brain couldn’t remember the whispers you heard all those years, and it didn’t click. you couldn’t deny that this elf man was attractive; and you couldn’t deny the fact that his voice had your legs weakening with every word he spoke. you cursed yourself mentally for being affected by him, because deep down you were aware of the danger of encountering elves.
thinking back to your cat, you wondered why she would have left the house in the first place. she was lazy and never wanted to really move...unless something was calling her…
your heart seemed to stop beating and your blood ran cold.
“you tr-tricked me…” you said in realization, your eyes widening. “you tricked me into coming in here, using m-my cat!” your voice was panicked and you found it hard to breathe. then, your brain finally figured it out. “you’re the one that’s been whispering to me all these years, aren’t y-you?”
he smiled at you with dark aquamarine eyes, and now you weren’t sure how you were going to get yourself out of this mess.
you weren’t entirely sure you wanted to get out of this mess.
wait, what?, your eyes widened at your own thoughts, where did that come from??
suddenly and without warning, your entire body was grasped in his hold. his hands dominantly gripped your waist and flipped you around so that your front was smacked up against a tree, the sharp bark scratching your cheek as your face was scraped against it.
“you’re my kitty now.” his voice whispered directly into your ear, his breath causing your body to visibly shiver in his hold.
you didn’t mean to whine, you really didn’t, but when he his teeth found your ear and nibbled gently on the skin, you couldn’t hold it in. your legs trembled beneath you as your knees weakened, the feeling of his warm body pressed tightly against your back leaving you wanting more and more.
he pressed deceivingly sweet kisses along your neck, your hands clutching the bark of the tree in response, your nails scratching along the surface. you jolted when you felt his right hand move down your front and nestle between your legs, putting pressure right against your covered center.
“hmm, you want it, don’t you?” he mumbled quietly, his chest rumbling against your back. “your thoughts are so loud, I know you can’t resist me.”
your thighs clenched in anticipation as he ran his long fingers delicately along your core through your shorts, and you let out a breathy whimper in response.
he tsk’d at you, giving your pussy a light slap through the thin fabric before completely drawing it away. “I wanna hear you say yes, kitty.”
his voice was demanding as he spoke, and you couldn’t disobey.
with your eyes glazing over, you gripped the tree trunk tightly and mewled out, “yes!”
you could practically hear him smirk, his chuckling causing you to grow even more wet as he finally slipped his hand down your front and into your shorts. when his long finger reached your bare and sensitive nub, you could help but arch your back, causing your ass to press tightly against his rapidly hardening cock. he groaned right in your ear, his hips bucking and grinding against your behind in time with his strokes against your clit.
“you’re already so wet, darling,” he moaned out, dipping his finger down to circle your entrance. “I could just...slide right in.” with those words, he slipped his index finger into you in one clean movement, his long finger reaching deep inside your pussy.
you cried out when the tip of his finger brushed a sweet spot inside you, and you heard him groan in response, a deep chuckle following.
“good girl,” he muttered, casually slipping his middle finger inside you beside his pointer. the stretch had you throwing you head back, giving him access to your pretty neck. “be as loud as you want, baby. it’s just me, you, and the forest now.”
his hips grinding against your from behind never ceased, and he thrusted his fingers to the same rhythm as his hips. he was literally fingerfucking you; before you knew it he was adding a third finger.
to help with the burn of the stretch, he reached his free hand down and used two fingers to pinch and roll your clit, making you squeeze your eyes shut and clench your teeth at the sudden immense pleasure you were feeling.
it was embarrassing, but you were already so close to reaching your high. you really wanted this feeling to last forever, so you tried to hold it as long as you could.
the noises escaping from you only grew louder the harder he went; the powerful strokes from his hips driving you into the bark of the tree and his fingers plowing deep inside you had you practically screaming.
his lips found your neck and he left wet kisses there, his grains and growls only enhancing your feelings of ecstasy. he sounded like sin, and even though he was an elven boy that you had just stumbled across, you knew you didn’t want him to leave your life. you never wanted to live in a world where you couldn’t hear his moans, and that thought almost terrified you. the effect he was having on you was extremely intense, and you weren’t sure if it was normal, but at this point you were far too gone to care.
“are you gonna cum, kitty?” he strained out, breaking you out of your thought as his hips stuttered against your ass, his fingers still powerfully fucking into you. you could only nod desperately, your throat sore from the guttural sounds you were releasing.
he let out a breathy laugh, causing your walls to flutter around his digits. “then cum. I wanna feel you fucking drench my fingers.”
his words were all it took for you to let go. you screamed as you came, your nails scratching against the tree as your cheek scraped sharply on the bark, most likely drawing blood. your pussy clamped so hard around his fingers that he could barely move them in and out of you, so he drew circles over your clit to help you ride out your orgasm.
his hips pressed tightly against you, and you could feel through your own pants the wet spot on the front of his, indicating that he had cum as well.
after a powerful minute of cumming, you felt your eyes droop in exhaustion almost immediately. jaemin withdrew his fingers from you, wiping your essence on his pants before grouping your waist to keep you from collapsing. you definitely would have fallen if it weren’t for his hold on you.
he gently lowered you to the ground, turning your body so your back was able to rest against the trunk. he wiped at the scratches on your cheek with his thumb, but even though it stung you didn’t have the energy to flinch.
“go to sleep, precious.” he said softly, still stroking your face lovingly. his gentle nature should have set off all of the alarms in your mind and body, but you didn’t have enough energy to care.
in the back of your mind you realized that you probably would never see your cat or your grandmother again, and that you would most likely be trapped in this forest with jaemin for the rest of your days on earth. you didn't want to think about it now, so you took his advice and allowed your eyes to close, dreaming of jaemin and nothing else.
maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
#jaemin smut#nct-writers#neowritingsnet#neothestars#na jaemin smut#nct smut#nct dream smut#na jaemin#jaemin#nct#nct dream#halloweenie special#nct scenarios#nct dream scenarios#na jaemin scenarios#jaemin scenarios#jaemin drabbles#na jaemin drabbles#nct drabbles#nct dream drabbles#nct 2020
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Run to Me (in the Dead of Night)
Hello Everyone! I’m presenting the first installment of my second CSSNS offering: my werewolf MC. The idea for this fic has been in my head a long time, but I really needed this event to finally make me put pen to paper and give it a try. Though I love reading werewolves in stories, I haven’t really tried to write them myself before – so I hope I have done it justice. Also, don’t think I’ve forgotten that this is a CS event, just because Killian doesn’t physically appear in this prologue. You get a hint that he’s nearby, and I promise you’ll see him soon.
** Other things to note: Graham (and a few other characters from earlier in the show’s run) play larger parts in this divergence from early season two than they did in canon. If it seems like there’s a lot of set up in this first bit, that’s why. I’m trying to explain how some of them are still around and how it fits together differently from canon. Basically – in most respects – we’re at very early season two, the curse has just lifted and everyone knows who they are again, except Graham is still alive (how gets answered as we go along) and Emma and MM don’t go through the portal to the Enchanted Forest. Rumple never turns the wraith loose on Regina because Belle hasn’t been found; therefore the portal isn’t open for Emma to be pulled into.
I don’t hate Regina. However, it did bother me that she never even had to apologize or show real remorse for what she did to Graham – nor did it makes sense to me that no one ever seemed to figure it out, even once the curse broke and they knew magic existed. Since Graham is still around in this and has his memories, what happened comes out, and Regina does stay more of that conflicted, but still vindictive and dangerous, character we saw in season one and throughout season two.
I think that’s it for now… I hope you will enjoy and come back next week. I aim to post every Friday for the duration of the story, which as of now I am estimating will be around 10 to 12 chapters.
Don’t forget to send @wingedlioness some major praise and flailing for her AWESOME art to go along with this. The two she did for this first part make me feel like my fic has a movie poster!! (I only pray it lives up to the hype!!) She did others for me that I will post with the parts of the story they accompany.
Tagging: @cssns @kmomof4 @laschatzi @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @linda8084 @bmbbcs4evr @ps1473-4 (Let me know if you’d like to be tagged for this fic as well.)
By: @snowbellewells (TutorGirlml on ff.net)
~~ prologue: leaves on the wind
The crisp fall air of late September blew Emma Swan’s long, golden curls back over her shoulders and off her neck, tangling them together and causing a shiver to skitter through her as the chilly breeze of early evening glanced along her bared skin. Even as she clattered down the front steps of the diner, eager to get out of the rather close and over-warm space and the heavy, grease-scented air, she still felt it: the sense that had been following her around lately, more than any simple gossip or slander would account for, resting heavy on her shoulder, of being watched. Glancing around the outdoor seating area of Granny’s and down the quiet main street, deserted but for a few leaves blown here and there and Marco tinkering with the sign that hung over the door of his repair shop and pausing on his ladder to offer her a friendly wave and doff of his cap.
Emma tried to shrug off the troubling impression; eerie though it was, she wasn’t sure that it wasn’t just some manifestation of her own jumbled thoughts and fears, a tingling in her bones that had been discomforting her ever since the curse broke, almost a week ago now. Willing her hard-earned nerve and bravado to reassert themselves, Emma rolled her eyes at herself and how she had just mentally referred to the curse that had changed everything she’d come to know on its head as casually as if it were laundry day or a trip to the movies – just a regular little life-altering occurrence – and gathered the still warm carryout bags Ruby had pressed into her arms just a moment before closer to her chest as she picked up her brisk pace down the sidewalk. Something in her psyche wanted to kick her for running as she left Storybrooke’s most popular eatery behind her, but Emma honestly wasn’t in the mood.
The tiny hairs along the back of her neck prickled as she crossed the opening of the alley between Gold’s pawn shop and the library. She threw a glance down the dim space, but told herself to relax and blew out a frustrated breath before squaring her shoulders and moving on. Whatever sort of creepy premonition vibe she was picking up on lately, it simply had to be in her head. For one thing, this was the smallest, sleepiest, stuck-in-the-eighties town ever; beyond fights at the local watering hold between whom she now knew were three of her mom’s dwarves and guys she had learned were Jack Sprat, Tom Thumb and a definitely not-so-little Jack Horner, and the occasional clichéd kitten up a tree, nothing ever happened here – or at least, nothing of the normal criminal variety. Besides, she already knew who the supposed villains were – and she was well-acquainted with the fact that skulking around subtly wasn’t any of their styles.
No, the sense she felt was probably that same one she had experienced some time back, when Mayor Mills had run her smear campaign trying to overturn Emma’s appointment as deputy. Then, it had been judgmental eyes on her back and whispers that ceased when she walked into a room; now it was awkwardly hushed awe and averted eyes or slight bows when she tried to approach a group casually, and still the constant scrutiny – ill meant or not – and whispers, probably about how unprincess-like she, as their long lost princess, had turned out to be. In any case, the way it made Emma’s skin crawl uncomfortably really didn’t change that much from one case to the other.
Curling she and Graham’s dinner more protectively into her elbow, Emma sighed resignedly as she walked on, kicking at a stick on the pavement at her feet. Thinking back to those unpleasant weeks when she had almost given in, packed up, and moved on, the upheaval of the last several days didn’t seem quite so intense. Back then, it had seemed as though she was clinging to her tenuous bond with Henry by such a fragile, thin thread. Graham offering her the deputy sheriff position – and thus a legitimate reason to remain in town – had been a genuine boon, and when it had seemed as though that might slip through her fingers too – as good things always seemed to do in her life – Emma had almost hit the road once more. She’d been so close to taking off back to Boston, or anywhere really, it didn’t matter… she was always going to be alone.
No matter where she went, people never truly changed that much. Emma had learned that long ago, though Henry’s boundless optimism and the quaint little town’s charm had almost let her forget. It never got easier to ignore the labels that had followed her for most of her life – brought back to glaring focus by the newspaper expose Henry’s adoptive mother had ordered in her bid to see Emma ousted from her new town role. ‘Runaway’, ‘Thief’, ‘Orphan’, ‘Hussy’, ‘Teen Mom’, ‘Jail Bird’…those nasty words dogged her steps for the few days after the paper’s publication in the suspicious narrowing of eyes and disapproving pursing of lips as much as in any audible speech. For all too many moments, it had looked as though the little berg she had begun to hope could be a real home was going to turn its back on her. No matter how far or fast she ran, the barbed tips of both truth and rumor about her never failed to pierce Emma’s hard-won armor. She might be good at pretending the wounds didn’t sting, but she knew now more than ever that she would do well not to forget just how quickly the tide of public opinion could turn.
Even now, with the curse broken, and her tentatively coming to believe that she had not been an unwanted infant abandoned carelessly on the side of some deserted road, the lost little girl inside her still flinched at cruel jabs both real and imagined; there would never be enough time passed to make that completely go away. The childhood and adolescence she had weathered was an inner wound that would always draw blood – even as getting to know Henry, his forgiveness for her giving him up, his boundless blind faith in her, and meeting her parents after all the years lost, and learning how desperately they had indeed loved and wanted her, how they’d had no other choice but to give her what seemed her best chance and believe they would be reunited someday; even all those truths being brought home to her couldn’t undo everything else she had known before.
Upon reaching the sheriff’s station at last, Emma raised her chin from where she had buried it in her collar against the chilly wind and her hair being whipped across her face and into her eyes. She turned the knob and pushed into the station’s dingy and antiquated entryway, also finally shedding the odd sensation of eyes following her as she entered the squat cinderblock building. She could feel her mood lift slightly almost at once. In truth, this was the first job she had genuinely enjoyed doing in years – not only because she was good at it and got paid well, but for the fulfillment and sense of purpose it brought. Clearly, Graham had needed the second pair of hands; they’d be putting the filing back in order until next December, and the man couldn’t make a decent pot of coffee without somehow getting grounds in it to save himself. Still, he respected her and they worked well together. Emma was determined not to let down her guard and grow too comfortable again, but this sleepy little hamlet could almost feel something like a place to belong – not a description she would ascribe to any of the other places she had landed before.
A wry smile curled her lips just before she called out to let Graham know she was back with their food. She certainly wouldn’t take back Henry’s appearance on her doorstep and his bringing her here – whatever happened next. And watching the first real friend – outside of her 10-year-old and her own mother – she had made in years muttering to himself in his office, rifling through the haphazard piles of paperwork stacked all over his desk and running an occasional frustrated hand to swipe his errant curls off his forehead, she grinned even more warmly. They had exchanged one kiss – some months back now – but had decided to simply remain friends rather than risk the comfortable working relationship they shared and Henry’s hurt, as he cared so much for both of them, if it failed. They had somehow managed to simply go on as if it were a one-time gesture of affection and remain the partners and friends they were – for which she was constantly grateful. Graham was warm, open, supportive, and just lighthearted enough to crack truly awful jokes simply to see her roll her eyes, snort, and smile, but he was also capable and as driven as she was, determined to do their jobs well and protect those in their charge.
Stepping into the doorway of the lamp lit office, Emma had raised her hand to knock on the frame, but Graham looked up alertly before she could even complete the motion; hazel-deep eyes finding hers unerringly as if he had sensed or scented her presence before it could be humanly possible. She used to marvel at the uncanny ability her boss possessed; be it hearing, smell, or some other awareness, it was impossible to sneak up on him or catch him by surprise. Of course, now that the curse was broken, Emma knew, though she was still trying to wrap her head around it, that it was his werewolf nature allowing him that ability – his lupine senses were heightened and made him effectively alert and aware of everything. Smirking slightly she had to admit to herself that wasn’t at all a bad skill set for a sheriff to possess.
Shuffling forward almost bashfully, Emma held out the to-go bag in explanation, even as Graham waved her in without question, a welcoming smile on his scruffy face and stood to pull the visitor’s chair facing his desk over to the end of it where they could eat together more comfortably. Graham took the still steaming brown bag that Ruby had handed her with an understanding and apologetic smile not five minutes before and began to spread their meal out on his desk. They’d shared their evening meal right there nearly every night they both worked since he had hired Emma, and it was a settling bit of routine normalcy that soothed her jangled nerves as she sunk into the seat before her.
Graham looked up at her with a grateful crooked smile and the bright eyes that Emma would challenge anyone not to be charmed by (there was a reason she had kissed him that one time after all). “Thank you, Deputy,” he quipped, a playful emphasis on her title. “It was definitely time for a break.” He gestured at the stacks of files and paperwork all over his desk at those words.
Once they had both settled into their seats, Graham didn’t hesitate to take a huge bite out of the Philly Steak hoagie he’d ordered, munching happily and even closing his eyes in bliss with a low hum of satisfaction deep in his chest. For a moment, Emma could only watch, trying to remember if her friend – for all that he looked so trim and wiry – had always had such a voracious appetite and she merely didn’t notice before, or if it was a trait of his recently reacquired wolf within. She was still sometimes too stunned to believe that both he and his adopted sister Ruby, her two closest friends in Storybrooke beyond her parents (that was taking some adjustment too) could both shift into large wolves by the light of the moon. They had been born with the ability in the Enchanted Forest, and that side had merely been buried along with their true identities while under the curse. It was why Graham’s birth parents had abandoned him in the woods – or so he had told her, as he could only assume when he didn’t even remember them – to be found by a preteen Ruby on one of her nightly runs and brought back to live with she and Granny, folded into their little family as simply as if he had already belonged there. Emma had yet to see either of them transform, but she also knew in her bones that neither of them would lie to her. She had simply attempted to reconcile this one more bit of her new normal in her mind and move on without treating her friends any differently; even if, in moments like that, she did gawp at them in wonder. “That good, huh?” she finally managed with a chuckle, amused enough by his good natured enthusiasm and almost child-like joy to put aside her own cross mood and paranoia of being followed.
Then, she bit into her own first taste of Granny Lucas’ unparalleled onion rings and let out her own ecstatic moan at the hot, crisp, greasy goodness on her tongue. Graham laughed out loud in response, the whooping, uncalculated ring of it doing much to completely repair Emma’s clouded outlook. “I don’t know,” the sheriff countered her previous jest saucily, “you tell me.”
Emma nodded enthusiastically, her own eyes alight as well, and her mouth full of her first buttery toasted bite of Granny’s grilled cheese. When she could speak again, she conceded gladly, “Yep, you’re right. Granny’s is the best – and Ruby slipped bacon on here for me again. It’s like Heaven between two slices of bread!”
Graham snickered at her creative praise, and the two of them settled into a comfortable silence, busily munching on the food spread out before them and humming in pleased enthusiasm. Once they were finished, Emma began gathering up wrappers and napkins as Graham sat back contentedly in his chair, wiping crumbs from his front with his hand and grinning at his deputy in full-stomached satisfaction. “Well, that hit the spot,” he stated cheerily, eyes sparkling when she nodded in agreement with his words. He paused a moment, as if uncertain whether he should voice what he was about to say or not, then added, “I’m glad. You look a lot happier than you did when you first came back in here.”
Though she truly attempted not to – had long since decided in the months she and Graham had worked together side-by-side that the good hearted sheriff was trustworthy – Emma felt herself stiffen and begin to close off. She didn’t need any more concern over her emotional state and how she was dealing; her mother was doing enough of that to serve for a dozen people. The barrier she threw up was almost involuntary, no matter how well-intentioned she knew her boss was. Old habits were hard to break, and even more so when she felt half the time as if the town’s very borders were closing in on her, that she would never find “normal” again, and as if her every move was being scrutinized and probably coming up well short of what must have been expected in a long lost royal.
To his credit, the soft-spoken lawman didn’t push and delve into further questions. He backed up slightly, hands raised in appeal, before lifting a file from the stack before him and turning to put it in the corner cabinet, offering her a bit more space as if he had read her mind. ‘No, more likely he sensed the fear or frustration on me,’ her mind supplied unhelpfully, remembering his heightened shifter senses once more. Though he had his foster sister, and Granny, and Henry blatantly adored him, trailing after the sheriff or begging him to ride along on patrols, Graham seemed like a somewhat reluctant loner himself. Emma sensed he understood self-protective walls and keeping others at arm’s length all too well, even if she didn’t know everything he had been through. He might be willing to listen, but he clearly wouldn’t force her to talk.
She could ask him how he seemed to know, seemed to be on the outside looking in, but it really wasn’t fair when she was unwilling to share in return. Ruby had explained to her once – on an ill-fated girl’s night that only she and Ruby had made it to the end of – Mary Margaret and Ashley ducking out embarrassingly early – that shifters like them could only be contained for so long, and that though he had loved she and her gran and been happy with them, he had mostly returned to the forest when he came of age, living off the land as a skilled huntsman with a wolf he considered his brother at his side. It was only after a month when he hadn’t stopped in for even a supper or a quick visit, that they learned he had been commissioned for a job by the Evil Queen – and when he had failed to return, she had feared him dead. It wasn’t until befriending Snow White and hearing she and Charming’s whole story put together that Ruby had learned the fate of her adopted sibling was much worse: he had been made into one of Regina’s heartless black knights, his very mind and will subject to her whims and control.
Henry had told Emma all this as well, long before her waitress friend confided in her with newly-restored memories post-Curse, but Emma hadn’t truly believed him at the time, merely nodded along to humor her highly imaginative son as he’d flipped through his storybook not long after she and Graham had shared their single, ill-fated kiss. Graham’s collapse just afterwards, her panicked 911 call and what the confused Dr. Whale had vaguely labeled some sort of isolated cardiac event, had given cooler heads time to prevail where taking the romantic feelings behind that kiss much further had been concerned. At the time, Emma hadn’t questioned his awed “I remember” epiphany, chalking it up to disorientation from his impending health episode. Now she knew that somehow his memories had been returned to him before the curse breaking did the same for everyone else in town. Henry had been thrilled, and she knew that Graham had listened to her son seriously after that, truly joined his “Operation Cobra”, because he knew Henry was right, and wanted to help bring everyone back to themselves as well. He just hadn’t attempted to share it with her, knowing she would think him crazy and that it would push her even further from the truth. Instead, he had bided his time, and helped where he could, waiting and hoping and believing until the Savior could no longer deny who she truly was.
It made Emma chuckle lowly, and shake her head in amused disbelief; their whole world had changed, and yet here stood her friend, patiently waiting as he always had. He turned to look over his shoulder at her sound from where he stood at the open filing cabinet, head tilted to the side as he studied her curiously, until Emma finally admitted, “Yeah, I wasn’t in the best mood. It felt like everyone in the diner was wondering how I could possibly be their Princess. My parents keep fussing over me and trying to make up for 28 years in a week, and we still don’t know where Regina’s hiding or what she might be plotting next. It’s just…it’s a lot….that’s all.”
She blew out a breath, still not sure what compelled her to open up exactly. To her intense relief, Graham didn’t try to offer empty platitudes about it all being fine and not to worry. He merely nodded in understand, adding, “I’d imagine so. Our world back in the Enchanted Forest – your own family even – wasn’t real to you at all, and now it’s all been dumped in your lap.”
Emma bit her lip to hide its almost quivering a little at the emotion he summed up so succinctly. She wasn’t used to feeling so shaky and out of her depth – and she certainly didn’t like it. That didn’t even begin to factor in the weird sensation of being watched that she had experienced repeatedly, nor of being followed, though she kept feeling it crawling up the back of her neck the last couple of days. That had to be just a reaction to the other upheavals around her –if she could only convince herself of that fact.
Suddenly, Emma had to get out. The pressures of wondering what the Evil Queen might throw at them next, how to keep her son safe – while at long last getting to actually learn to be his mother, trying to reconnect with her own parents, and trying not to disappoint everyone else looking on, was overwhelming her once more. The walls of the station seemed to be drawing in, along with the suffocating weight of all that responsibility mentally added up as well. It really was more than any one person – a sane one anyway – should be expected to handle at one time.
Luckily, it had taken her long enough to fetch their dinner, that a quick glance at the clock back out into the main room over the coffeemaker and microwave showed that it was nearly quitting time anyway. She needed to get back to her room at the loft – if only for five minutes completely to herself to put her head back on straight – before she hyperventilated.
Before she could voice some excuse about the supper not sitting right or needing to help Henry with his homework, Graham looked up at her again, warm gaze concerned and voice soft in understanding, “Emma, you don’t look like you’re feeling well…”
She started to protest, even as she had been about to claim just that, but she didn’t want to seem like she was slacking, nor for her distress to be so obvious. She used to have a much better poker face. Graham waved off whatever comeback she was about to voice anyway. “Seriously, this place is so quiet they shouldn’t pay both of us to be here anyway. I’m closing up myself as we speak. I’ll put the phone on rollover to our cells at 9:00, and then I’m heading out too. You’re only gaining about twenty minutes.”
Shaking her head at his once more almost unbelievable kindness, Emma didn’t even try to protest further. Instead, she slung her jacket back over her shoulders and nodded her acquiescence as she stood. “If you’re sure,” she finally caved, “but make me return the favor sometime, okay?”
“Done,” Graham assured her, his expression genuine and further comforting her that he didn’t resent the early exit or her needing some time to regroup.
Another minute, and she was out the door, hesitating but a moment on the curb outside to button up her red jacket and pull her knit beanie down over her ears against the chill in the late September breeze. She stepped out briskly, crossing the street and picking up speed as the night had already lengthened into dark and the air had gone chill. It was only as she passed by the storefront with Dr. Hopper’s offices above on the second floor that a scuffling noise caught her ears enough that she turned sharply, peering once more down a narrow alley between buildings. She could have sworn the shadows shifted as something – or someone – drew further back out of sight. Emma tried to focus on the area where she had seen movement, practically holding her breath as she stared into the hovering blackness. Whatever had alerted her was clearly long gone though. She wasn’t running around in the night alone chasing what was probably a stray cat, nor was she going to let her jangly nerves imagine even more monsters than the ones she had already learned were real.
Turning back to face the street, Emma made herself move on toward the home she shared with Mary Margaret – and now David and Henry too. She couldn’t help the foreboding that skittered up her spine; no matter how many times she told herself she wasn’t being followed, that nothing was there, she was no longer sure that reassurance was true.
As if to seal her unease, just as she closed her fist over the door handle to enter their building’s stairwell up to the loft, the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end in the night stillness. And it was then that a stark, shivering note rose on the chill air – coming from the nearby forest at the edge of town, but carrying in a haunting, wild cry, clear as a bell. It was the howl of a wolf, letting them all know it was there.
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JUST MARRIED (...kinda)
PART4
I was staring at my phone , nervously tapping my nails on my desk. I didn’t get a text back since I told Marina I was marrying Yixing two days ago. She was upset and I understood. I should have told her as soon as I knew ; I was her best friend and I was engaged to her cousin after all ... She should have been the first to know ... But I knew that no matter how mad she was , she will fly to my rescue if I really needed her. So I sent her a “CODE RED “ message. This is a rule we established when we were younger: no matter what we were doing or wherever we were, if one of us sent a “CODE RED” message, we will automatically have to fly to the rescue of each other. So I did that. First of all because I was so desperate for her forgiveness and attention, but also because today was quite the emergency situation. I was going to have a dinner date with Yixing. I needed my best friend more than anything.
As I was mentally preparing myself for a long scolding from her , I heard the door of my room open brutally.
“Bitch, you have some nerve texting me a “RED CODE” just to get my attention!” I smiled as I heard her voice. She truly is the best friend I have .
“Can you blame me though? You weren’t answering my texts ... Wait... “ My eyes widened at a random thought . “How the fuck did you get into my house? It’s only me here , I didn’t even hear you ring the doorbell?”
“I know where your dad hides the spare key , Mina. “ She shrugged , throwing herself on my bed.
“Wow, stalker much “ I joked, raising an eyebrow.She rolled her eyes ,crossing her arms.
“You better tell me why I’m here quick before you get smacked.”
I laugh loudly then cleared my throat.
“I’m meeting Yixing tonight, we have a dinner date .” I sighed , joining her on my bed . I bet she could see how stressed about this .
“Really?! Well I guess it really is an emergency then ! “ At this point I could see she was excited, squealing , clapping her hands and jumping on my bed.
“Why are you so hyped for? I’m nervous as shit right now, I don’t even know what to wear ! Oh my God, what am I actually gonna wear ? What would he like ? What if he doesn’t like what I’m wearing ? Shit, what if we don’t get along together? And he thinks I’m boring ? And he calls off the wedding? Fuck, I knew this was a bad idea !” I put my face in my hands then ruffled my hair . I’ve never been this panicked before .
“Baby, chill ! You’re gonna be fine don’t worry. Why wouldn’t he like you ? You’re gorgeous both inside and outside ! He’s the lucky one , trust me . “ She held my hand tight and smiled . Her smile always comforted me . “What time do you have to meet him ? “
“Uh... 7.30 ?” I said looking at my phone to check the time .
“Ok, so that leaves us two hours girl, go get in the shower, I’ll pick your outfit .” She pulled me out of my bed and threw me in the bathroom.
As I got out of the shower, she had already picked my dress. It was a mid-length deep red dress, not too revealing, just my type . She paired it with a pair of gold lace up sandals. I’m not the high heels type. Simple but effective. I smiled as I looked at the outfit . She always knew what was best for me . I grabbed the dress and changed .
“Okay, how do I look ? Good ? “ I asked spinning around so that my dress could spin too .
“You look dashing,babe . C’mon get your makeup done quick , he’ll be there soon . “
I sat down in front of my mirror and started my makeup. I was very good at makeup. Not to brag or anything, but it at always been a way for me to gain more confidence . As I finished everything, I looked at my phone to check the time . 7:10 . Twenty minutes left before Yixing comes to pick me up. Marina left a while ago, she told me to text her as soon as we left for the restaurant. I was scrolling through my phone when Yixing called .
“Hello? “
“Hey Babyface, you okay ? “ Hearing him calling me that always made my heart beat faster .
“I’m good Xingie, what’s up ?”
“Um...actually, I know we were supposed to meet at 7:30, but ... I’m already there ,so...”
“You’re there already ?? Eager to meet me ? “ When exactly did I gain the confidence to talk to him like that ?
“Yeah, I guess I was ...” He chuckled lightly. “You ready yet ? Or do you need some more time ? “
“No I’m ready, I’ll be right out !” I was the one sounding eager now .
I looked at myself one last time in my mirror then grabbed my things and headed downstairs. As I was walking towards the door, I looked through the kitchen window and noticed him . I thanked God that the lights were off in my house so he couldn’t see me watching him . Creepy, I know , but don’t we all do that ? I watched him closely and saw him tapping on his steering wheel. Was he nervous to meet me ? Or was I just imagining that to make myself feel less nervous ? I eventually decided to stop stalking the man and got out of my house. I made my way to his car and knocked on the window so that he could unlock the door for me. He obviously was deep in his thoughts because my small knock made him jump in surprise. He relaxed and smiled then unlocked the door when he saw me .
« Did I scare you Xingie ? » I said laughing loudly .
“Nah, I was just... thinking of something “ He answered, clearing his throat.
“What was it ? Something bothering you ?” I was genuinely concerned.
“Don’t worry about it Babyface, it’s work related, and I tonight isn’t about work. It’s about us . “ He said grabbing my hand. I simply hummed and smirked at him . He was always so smooth it was almost annoying.
“You ready to go , love ? I bet you’re mad hungry huh? You always are !”
“Sweet.” I spat raising an eyebrow as I feigned an offended face.
“Shit... I didn’t mean this way, I don’t mind you eating a lot at all... I mean you’re a little chunky but...Fuck! No, listen... what I mean is-“
He was interrupted by me laughing out and clapping my hands . I know it was bad to play with his nerves like that, but I couldn’t help it .
“You’re enjoying this, huh?” He asked smirking.
“I’m sorry , Xingie, but I couldn’t let this occasion pass like that ! Boy, you should’ve seen your face !” I added laughing loudly again , fanning myself to prevent the tears to stream down my face.
“So that’s how you play huh? Just wait till we actually get married, baby , I’ll get you back for sure ...”
His last sentence made me widen my eyes and stop laughing. I cleared my throat and shifted into my seat. It was something about him, Yixing always had this “goody two shoes” vibe, but to me there was always that frightening yet very sexy thing about him. I bit my lip and patted my face, so it could cool down a little bit .
When we arrived to the restaurant, Yixing parked his car and got out quickly , telling me not to move . He ran to my door and opened it for me , offering his hand to help me get out . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy gesture, but I would lie if I said I wasn’t loving every second of it. I stood up in front of him and he gasped .
“What ? What’s wrong , Xing ? “ I panicked, looking around us .
“Nothing, you just look... really good. It’s umm... very sexy ...”
“Really, it’s too much right ? God, remind me not to let your cousin ever choose any of my outfits for me ... “ I whined, pulling at the dress in the areas where I felt exposed .
“No! It’s not too much , actually it’s just showing enough to leave something to my imagination...I love it ! Marina chose this you said? Wow, remind me to thank her ...” He said winking at me .
We made our way into the restaurant. It was a really fancy Italian restaurant, not the type of place where I would normally go to eat with my friends .
“Hello, welcome to the Tripletta !” The man at the reception cheered for us . He was tall and very good looking. I must say; if I wasn’t with Yixing, I would probably be all over him . Yixing must have noticed that, since he came closer than me and put his hand on my lower back.
“Hello, we have a reservation under Zhang, for 8pm ? “ He said , sternly bringing me closer .
The man smiled at Yixing, then smirked at me , telling us to follow him. He guided us to our table and handed us the menus , without refraining himself to take a good look at my clevage . Yixing cleared his throat and thanked him politely. I could tell he was fuming.
“What’s wrong Xingie? “ I asked as if I didn’t notice he was mad.
“Nothing.” He frowned, ruffling through his pockets . “Here, wear this . “ He handed me a small blue jewelry box .
I opened it, already knowing what it was . The ring was beautiful. Very small with a little yet very noticeable diamond on it . Very simple . It was only an engagement ring after all . I took it out and placed it on my finger .
“It’s beautiful,Xing.”I looked up at him and smiled.
“You like it ? I’m happy then . You deserve it . “ He could be so sweet sometimes . “Where is yours ? “ I asked innocently. He raised his hand to show me the silver circle around his finger. I could feel myself smile sheepishly .
“Alright , are you ready to order ? “ The tall handsome guy was back . Uh-oh . Yixing shot him the fakest smile ever and nodded . “Yes, I’ll take the seefood pasta , please .”
“Seafood pasta, alright, and for you, Miss ?” He said in the most suggestive way possible, smirking at me . This was becoming to make me feel very uncomfortable. Yixing must’ve seen it .
“You just don’t know where the limit is do you ?” He said, undoing a button on his shirt .
“Excuse me ?” The waiter was glaring at Yixing like his life depended on it . “I’m just being bold, that’s it .” He rolled his eyes at Yixing... At this point, I was mentally praying for the boy because I knew Yixing couldn’t take disrespect very well.
“Well, there is a fine line between being bold and making people uncomfortable, it’s sad to see you don’t know where to draw it. Now, if I were you , I’ll watch my mouth when I’m talking to her . “ Yixing sat back on his seat properly and kept staring at the waiter , as if he was waiting for him to act up to jump him. Gladly, he didn’t have to.
“Anyway, what can I get you , miss? “ My throat was so dry at that moment. I hated being the center of attention.
“Um.... I-I’ll just take the same as his ... thank you...” My voice was wavering and I had completely lost my appetite.
“Alright, anything else? Drinks maybe ?”
“No that’d be it .” Yixing answered calmly then slowly looked at me and smirked. “ Actually, yes, bring us your most expensive bottle of champagne ! We just got engaged. “ He added , holding my hand tight, for the waiter to see.
Fortunately enough, the rest of the dinner went pretty smoothly, jokes flowing, him flirting with me in the cringiest way possible and me trying hard not to react to it ... We finished our meals and he drove me home . I told him I didn’t mind spending more time with him , but he insisted on bringing me home early, saying he should respect my dad and not make me stay outside at this time of the night . As we arrived at my house , he stopped his car and stared at me .
“You had fun tonight baby ? I’m sorry for the way I reacted with the waiter ... Was I too much ?” He looked worried .
“No , don’t worry, I really enjoyed tonight! But, to be honest, you were a little too much... I can defend myself you know ?” I pouted unconsciously.
“I know that very well, love. But I can’t help it . I don’t really like people thinking they can take what’s mine away from me .” He rubbed my cheek .
“What’s yours? Am I yours now ? “ I asked, raising an eyebrow.
He just smiled at me and put his hand on my knee. “You are , babe...” He kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear .”All mine. And you’ve always been.” My eyes widened at this.
“What?! W-what did you just say?!” I must’ve had the most confused look on my face . He chuckled at my expression.
“You’re adorable... go home baby, and text me before you go to sleep and when you wake up in the morning, ok ? Don’t leave me hanging like last time ...” He pointed a threatening finger at me .
“Okay Xingie, I won’t.” I answered avoiding his gaze .
“Bye,gorgeous.” He said as I got off . I just gave him a final smile and closed the door .
The lights were all off as I got home . It wasn’t late, but I figured out quick that my parents were sleeping. I tiptoed my way to my bedroom and proceeded to get ready for bed . I urged to take my phone with me and texted Yixing
[Me 10:30 pm]
Xingie, did you get home safe ? I’m about to go to bed . Thanks again for tonight, I really enjoyed spending time with you!
I decided not to wait for his answer and turned all my lights off to go to sleep. I jumped as soon as I heard my phone buzz .
[Yixing 10:36 pm]
Yeah , I’m home, I’ll go to bed too. Don’t forget I won’t be here for a few days I gotta be away for work . One week max, then I come back and we’ll go watch a movie , yeah ? Go to sleep I’ll talk to you in the morning,princess .
I pouted as I read the message. I was so happy that for a minute I forgot how complicated the situation was . I forgot where Yixing and I came from. I forgot our marriage was never gonna be simple , let alone normal.
[Me 10:42 pm]
No I didn’t forget, one week max ? I’ll take your word for it then ! And I get to choose the movie , yeah ? Come back soon, don’t let your wife hanging, ok ?
His answer was almost immediate.
[Yixing 10:45 pm]
I never will .
I smiled and put my phone away . Marrying Yixing was probably the best life choice I’ve ever made. I knew I was going to be in a relationship with a man that respected me as much as I respected him . Yes, this was the best for me... But how was I gonna be able to handle all the dirty work he does and the rougher side of him was what worried me the most .
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FunkMaster Flex, Radio Interview.
INVOLVED: Mercedes Jones.
LOCATION: Hot 97 Radio Station; New York City, New York.
TIME FRAME: August 21st, 2018.
NOTES: Mercedes has a radio interview with Funkmaster Flex; mentions Samuel Evans and Danielle Harper.
AUTHOR NOTES: Trigger Warnings; I am sure there maybe various ones in here for someone - please proceed with caution.
+ Also this self para was not proof read entirely, due to me posting it late because forgive me for any grammatical errors or confusion. Will edit and reupload later this week.
“What is the hardest thing about being in the music industry in your opinion? What are some challenges you do face or have faced?” Flex asked Mercedes.
“The hardest?” Mercedes repeated as she looked to the microphone “your imagine, but I think that’s across the board. I don’t think that’s just geared towards music alone” she told him. “I think the biggest challenge has maybe been me hiding some parts of me because of the fear I had of what others thought” she told him being cut off by him immediately.
“Like the album, which is no sound you’ve ever touched before” he asked her as he shifted in his chair. Flex looked to Mercedes expectantly given how closed-off she usually is in interviews.
Mercedes smirked at Flex and nodded “well yeah. Like I was saying. I didn’t want my body to sell records, but with that I placed my sexuality and my comfort in my sexuality within that same grouping… if that makes sense” she told him. “I never strayed too far away but I wasn’t as vocal either. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe the things wrote and released before… it just means it were more to the story than I was letting on” she said adjusting the headphones on her ear.
“Which only makes sense because you have written music for other artist that totally go against most of your music. Or is in no relation to the vibes you give off” Flex said.
“Well that’s just what makes me truly gifted. But yeah, I’ve written for: Elle Varner, Emeli Sande, Neyo, Usher, Ciara..” Mercedes listed off on her fingers “I have written for movies” she said “I mean the list could go on, I actually song back up for a short time. Then I would open shows, but during that period I made most of the money I have writing for music” she said honestly. “I have featured on a number of stuff as well.”
“Who do you really wish to write for or with right now if you could?” Flex asked her.
“There is this young lady by the name of Danielle Harper, she is a very amazing vocalist and lyricist. I would love to write something for her or even with her. She definitely needs to be put on the map, people are ‘sleeping’ on her” Mercedes said using air quotes. “She has a few songs that I personally have just fallen deeply in love with” she smiled at the thought. “And if I can help to get her noticed or even signed I am down for the cause” she told him.
“Oh yeah. Danielle Harper?” Flex repeated having never heard of the artist himself. He went on to ask “what is your favorite song by her or some of her songs?”
“My favorite is Stone Cold. It’s such a relatable piece of art man” she said with a head shake. “I was in aw the first time I heard it” Mercedes chuckled.
“How does it go?” Flex asked Mercedes.
You could faintly hear the radio manager asking if Mercedes could sing a portion of the song in acapella for them.
Mercedes chuckled “acapella?” she repeated to them licking her lips “stone cold, stone cold. You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor” she song softly sitting back in her chair. “Stone cold, stone cold. Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore” she closed her eyes “stone cold, baby. God knows I tried to feel” she belted “happy for you. Know that I am, even if I. Can't understand, I'll take the pain. Give me the truth, me and my heart” she continued to sing sweetly resting her hand over her heart. “We'll make it through. If happy is her, I'm happy for you” she sung, trailing off. “I can’t give you anymore you have to hear it for yourself and give her a try” she said with a chuckle as she leaned back into her chair again.
“I don’t think I have ever gotten you to actually sing” Flex chuckled, excitedly clapping his hand. “Honestly, you have never sung for us but if I can suggest you cover that song. I am. Because your voice was amazing” he emphasized. “I would have thought it were your song honestly, for real” he told her.
“I could consider it” Mercedes said discreetly as she looked to the other interviewer in the room.
“What else do you have going on?” the guy asked “you have Sparkle, we heard…”
“Yeah. Sparkle, I’ll be portraying Sparkle herself. And I am excited. I have the scripts, I have been studying who she is, what she stands for, her overall personality” Mercedes said nodding her head. “Should be a good watch. Has Danielle Brooks, Kelly Rowland, uh some others I can’t name yet” she said with a grin. “It’s going to be great” she told them.
“Are you writing any original songs for that?” Flex asked her curiously.
Nodding her head, “I write one of the final songs Sparkle is set to sing in the movie. But much like Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls, I have to portray her throughout the movie first and then I’ll go back to record and write the song. They need that raw emotion and I guess grittiness from me. Which is by the way hard… naturally I have a very soft singing voice. That powerhouse everyone knows about forces it out” Mercedes said chuckling again.
“Which is right because you have this one song, I think it’s called breathe or pause?” the radio manger said in the background. “But your voice is so soft and angelic and, I can never really make out the lyrics I always thought it was sexual but I loved the vibe to it” she laughed softly.
“Oh yes” Mercedes said nodding her head “it’s called Pause off of my second album” she corrected the woman discreetly and she nodded her head listening before she released another laugh. “You’d be amazed the different explanations I get for that song. Everyone thinks it about everything but what it’s really about” she told them. “Hey, it’s me. I’m calling to schedule an event. No make that necessary breakdown” she said reciting the lyrics as she placed her hands on the table. “I won’t be answering anything. I’ll be to busy, with my knees on the ground” she emphasized “and my hands up towards the clouds. Confessing out loud, I’m not too proud to say I’m slipping. So I am calling to schedule a very necessary breakdown. Leave me alone now” she said in full. “It was titled Woman, I was coming into my own kind of. And Pause was something that was previously written when I was going through a rough patch in life to be honest” she shrugged. “I was basically talking about having a actual breakdown, cutting off the World, not answering my phone or anyone, getting on my knees and praying and lifting my hands up to Heaven asking God to help me help myself” she said sighing. “And uh, it’s a interlude so… I think any people miss that message a lot” she said running her hand down the side of her face. “Which is interesting, I thought it was self explanatory when I wrote and recorded it” she said to them.
“Whoa” Flex said.
“I honestly didn’t know that’s what that song was saying, we played that all the time back when the album dropped. ‘Cause she loved it” the another guy in the room said pointing to the radio manager.
“I always thought on my knees implied…” she gestured with wide eyes. “And I thought you were saying with my legs up towards the clouds!”
“Damn that’s wild!” Flex said as the room ruptured into a fit of laughter.
Mercedes chuckled shaking her head “that’s common” she commented grinning. “But no” she said shaking her head again closing her eyes, “it is not” she said truthfully.
“I’m embarrassed” the woman confessed as she continued to laugh “wow”.
“That’s crazy” Flex responded “what’s something else crazy that has happened to you?” he asked her.
“Recently… I mean the most unexpected thing happened to me. You know when something kind of leaves you speechless?” she asked. “Someone I know kind of hit on me I think and the vibe ever since has been… crazy” Mercedes said. “But I’m taken so you know I’ve had to just kind of fix the situation. But yes, that was crazy” she said. “And I think every time I see my lyrics, song titles, or name tattooed on someone I am just like left speechless” she snorted.
“Really!” Flex exclaimed “I forgot you are in a relationship. Long term right?” he asked her.
“Yeah I am. Since high school practically” she said looking down at her shirt and brushing lint off of it. “His name is Sam. Well we all call him Sam” she said crossing her legs. “And off and on since high school we have been together. He’s the typical southern gentlemen” Mercedes said being cut off again.
“He’s not within your race right?” the other guy asked.
Mercedes looked to the man before looking back to Flex, “he’s caucasian yes” she answered.
“How is that, the two different cultures mixing and mingling? You are very vocal about the wrongful killings of plenty African American males be it men or boys. You even wrote a song with MAJOR expressing that disdain. And you speak a lot about your heritage in your music” Flex said looking to her as she sat back in his chair.
“The color of his skin doesn’t determine my actions and doesn’t sway the way my heart leans” she told them making a gesture with her hands. “If he were out here conducting himself in a manner that would make me question where he stood in correspondence to what I give off and I am about I would see the issue. The color of his skin means nothing. Love is love” she said looking off. “I don’t get into politics” Mercedes said cutting her statement off short. “If I were with him and felt I couldn’t embrace the skin I am in… well see we wouldn’t be together” she told them. “Although to correct you the song MAJOR and I wrote were about a number of things actually….”
“I can dig that, I have always just thought that was interesting. Kind of like Kendrick Lamar and Donald Glover” the other guy replied.
“Mhm” Mercedes replied back simply through closed lips as she turned in the chair from left and right. These were the reason interviews annoyed her so much, because she hated giving personal information and being spoken to in a manner that challenged her or her beliefs.
“We don’t have to talk about politics but we could talk about your album that isn’t even a month old and has sold almost 500,000 copies already!” Flex said into the microphone. “You have literally blow up over night! You were on the charts but 5 songs for 2 week straight? With all these other big artist dropping major albums around the time you have dropped yours?” Flex asked. “That is crazy!” he exclaimed. “It has gone gold in under a month! Were you expecting that man?”
“No, not at all” Mercedes said shaking her head. “I didn’t necessarily have the birthday I intended. It was finished. I called them up. Said drop it. It wasn’t the album I wanted so my attitude was much different. But boy does it feel good to live in the success of it all” she said chuckling. “Couldn’t believe the World loved it. I was in this pinch me please type of mood for like 3 days. And I am so very grateful, so very grateful. Words can’t express it.”
“What was the inspiration, why did you switch up your sound and look?” Flex asked wanting to get the juicy details from her if he could.
“Because it’s what they wanted. I had stuff written and usually I give the permission for me to look through the book of songs I have. And you know… stuff happened from there” Mercedes told him shrugging.
“So SONY did?” Flex asked her with raised brows.
“No!” Mercedes said chuckling “do not put that on SONY, SONY pays me WELL” she chuckled along with everyone else. “I don’t need any blogs or magazines spinning that crazy ass story. My team, or the team I had did” she clarified.
“Had? So you’ve fired your people man?” Flex pressed.
“Your words not mine” Mercedes said shaking her head “hey, I write the songs and record. I don’t handle anything else personally. At the end of the day I will always be in good hands, trust me” she told him seriously.
“Alright, I just want to say congratulations again. You are on the road to 1,000,000 copies, better known as Platinum. And I wish you all the success in the World girl, you have an amazing voice,amazing personality, beauty, brains, all of that and you deserve all the stuff that is coming to you thanks to the album!” Flex said confidently.
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The rest of my season 6 thoughts
OHMYGOSH
what a season
WHAT a season
the next chunk of writing, right below here, was from when i was on the episodes I was talking about before I finished them all
KEITH IS TALLER THAN LANCE after two years
ALSO that means Keith is 21 now, even if no time has passed for everyone else.
man. i think the only reason Lance was "oh look keith's back" was mostly his bitterness over lotor and allura. it's like that bitterness revived his original behavior around Keith from the beginning. even if keith is acting different.
I wouldn't have even thought or noticed Keith was bigger or had grown if fucking LANCE hadn't pointed it out. of course lance is the first and only one to notice. not even in person but via a screen
i also forgot about the cliffhanger already that keith and krolia had found an altean. that d&d episode kinda wiped it from my brain.
and lotor had me fooled too.
though before i started watching i had read someone's post who pointed out how much lotor always told the truth but would lie through omission. not sharing any details that would paint him in a negative light.
is the tenderness he's expressed with allura also part of the lie?? cuz that seemed so genuine.
OHHHHH MYGOSH OHMYGOSH
one of my theories was RIGHT. that the shiro who returned to earth was ALSO a clone!!!
when keith first walked into that room with pods, my FIRST thought was "are all of those Shiros????"
AND OHMYGOSH they were.
when i saw the title of this episode was "the black paladins" my first thought was "does this mean not only keith and shiro, but MULTIPLE shiros will be in this episode???" AND YES. ugh yes.
i don't care that i was right. cuz this was like one of HALF A DOZEN theories i came up with.
i think original shiro NEVER returned to earth
which possibly means that haggar let the blades release A shiro because 1) it wasn't the real one and 2)she might have always intended him to be a paladin.
but i am REALLY attached to the clone shiro we got to know and love and I PRAY that we get to see him again.
and i jumped to a conclusion too quick up there. though a theory of mine was STILL RIGHT, a slight variation on what i just said. I know I have an old post where I theorized that Shiro disappeared because he BECAME ONE WITH THE BLACK LION
AND OHMYGOSH THATS WHAT HAPPENED
it's funny. there was a huge theory going around that something like that could happen to lance and the blue lion, even though there weren't really any solid grounds to think that would happen. But that's what happened to Shiro.
After Keith talked to Shiro and truly bonded with the Black Lion thanks to him. I thought we'd have to say goodbye to Shiro
it REALLY felt like he wouldn't be coming back. Like we'd lost him already back in season 2.
and then them having to sacrifice the castle of lions, their home away from home. was even more loss on top of that.
so when we got Allura putting Shiro's spirit from the Black Lion into the clone's body. My heart was swelling. I was so relieved. And I like that it turned his hair all the way white.
kinda like when Gandalf the Grey "came back from the dead" as Gandalf the White.
There were SO MANY wonderful beats in this season. Lots of signs of REALLY great storytelling
But I can't help but feel like someone took the great story the team wanted to tell and condensed it way too much. You can still see the elements of what they planned, but lots of important parts felt too rushed
We already know that netflix or dreamworks mandate forced them to bring shiro back a whole season sooner than the creators wanted to. I can't help but wonder what other mandates happened that limited their plans.
The WHOLE Shiro story was a thrilling concept and had some good beats in it. But it also happened a little too fast. Like, Lance's interactions with Shiro in season 5, I felt like that should have led somewhere instead of being dismissed. Even if they wanted the betrayal to seemingly come out of nowhere and surprise the team the way it did, they could've had Lance travel a little ways towards the truth, but have something happen that causes him to dismiss it. It also would’ve amplified his grief upon the betrayal happening, like he could’ve prevented it.
hell even clone shiro. Gonna call him Kuro from now on. He suspected something was wrong. That’s why I thought we were going to get SOME kind of investigation/test, even if it was limited to one episode ANYTHING. i would’ve taken ANYTHING of that nature.
I really wanted Kuro to have some sort of agency beyond his programming. For him to possibly get redeemed or something. I mean, he resisted. He wanted to resist before Haggar forced control. But in the end he was just a device for conflict, and a deus ex machina to resurrect real Shiro.
kinda bummed we didn’t get any other clone shiros beyond the sleeping ones in the pods. I liked the idea of a shiro army, good or evil. But maybe they were just empty husks to be used by haggar when one breaks.
It'd be awesome if this wasn't the end of their story, and Shiro in the new body actually had Kuro's voice in his head or something, kinda like 80's Rogue in the x-men with Ms.Marvel's voice in her head. But sadly, it kinda of feels like this is the end of the Shiro Clone Saga.
More on the whole rushing good plot points. The whole reveal of Lotor's true nature with Keith returning. It felt very abrupt, and it didn't help having the D&D episode separating the cliffhanger of Keith and Krolia finding an Altean and the reveal.
Still, even though it all happened faster than I wished, all the beats with the Keith vs Shiro, and Keith discovering real Shiro and unlocking the Black Lion, and even his two year time gap, experience with the Blade and with his mother, crafted him into a confidant fighter who could finally take the lead in voltron, vastly opposite of his pre-blade self. I feel like this character arc, even though it was still too brief init of itself, makes up for some of the lost development from when Shiro should've been gone longer. We wanted to see the new team develop more than we got to. So it was really satisfying seeing them come together now, and feeling like we really saw Keith transform since he last piloted the Black Lion. Even though we had a long keith shortage with seasons 4 and 5, they still managed to have key episodes that developed his arc that led him to who he became in the finale.
though i'm relieved we got original shiro back, i feel like his being brought back was rushed too. Like, I get how that type of scene feels right for a season finale, especially with the fight and losing the castle of lions, but I wish there was more time and development between Keith's discovery of him and his actual return at the end.
KEITH GOT THE GALRA mark from his straining to hold onto his life and Kuro's. I almost was expecting him to fully transform into a galra form of his own. Maybe that's in his future, cuz I think everyone wants to see something like that. I hope the gang comments on his mark in the next episode (did anybody get Star Trek (2009) reboot vibes in that scene?? i feel like there was a scene with Kirk and Sulu that was very similar action-wise with the whole collapsing planet-to-space structure)
Man, so this season Lance had to deal with his Allura feelings and losing her to Lotor. Then Allura had to deal with having her heart broken from falling for Lotor then learning how she was used. Ever since Lance faced his feelings he hasn't been the flirt towards Allura anymore. I hope it stays that way. I love Lance and I love Allura, but I really hope the writers don't take us a romantic route. Like if they did start to do something like that, I'd keep my fingers crossed that its purpose would be to show one or both of them that they aren't right for each other. Like, try to get together only to hilariously fail and decide against it. like Rachel and Joey in friends.
They didn't do anything with Allura presumably learning Lance's feelings from the mice. i’m surprised. i was a little worried when that happened.
again, i feel like that not becoming anything could also be a sign of omitted story points.
THEY'RE FUCKING GOING HOME
and i can't help but think how we have seen neither hide nor hair of Sendak's coalition since the episode they fought and ran. They're fully functioning. a huge danger. And I remember reading a meta post after last season talking about how sendak understands better than anyone that to beat voltron is to threaten innocents lives, and to ultimately defeat voltron he'd threaten their home planet. A planet incapable of defending itself against galra tech. He even re-demonstrated those tactics AGAIN this season with the galra shield base. As if to remind us he does that...for next season. where the gang goes home only to find sendak's taken earth or something. or at least has a blockade to threaten it.
this season seriously delivered. Razor's Edge, I stand by as being the best episode of the series thus far. But man The Black Paladins episode was on par with Keith's Blade of Marmora reveal episode in season 2, which I put in the top 5.
Good season, despite the fact that possible executive mandates possibly limiting the writing all around felt VERY visible. Even if it's never confirmed for the things I felt were rushed. I feel like I can see that it’s there. I feel like I can see the story they want to tell, and then everywhere I feel was rushed was like an artificial constraint that forced them to cut something out of the story they want to tell.
Cuz it feels like, from the sheer quality of beats within the characters' arcs, anyone, who could craft what we've already seen, would understand the appropriate amount of story needed to properly depict it, and do it justice, but it's like someone who doesn't have the same understanding has told them to make it shorter, cuz reasons. And that’s how we got the end result
PS. i wonder if Kuro’s sheer blandness as Shiro playing D&D was a reflection of his programming. He couldn’t be inventive or imaginative, and his sole purpose was to be a paladin, to infiltrate, so that’s what he chose every time, constantly the same character. Cuz I feel like real Shiro wouldn’t play the same way. Of course it was funnier having that kind of character, but I really think that might’ve been for that purpose.
#vld season 6#Voltron legendary defender#project kuron#keith kogane#takashi shirogane#tag commentary#tag commentary has spoilers#my only hope for klance are the paralleling themes of romance in razor's edge#and lance being the only one to notice and comment on Keith being bigger upon seeing him for one second on a screen#now what's going to be the paladin dynamic??#for some reason shiro's transformation makes me think he might not return as a paladin#one last note on klance. lance pays more attention to keith than ANY OTHER CHARACTER#even allura who he crushed hard for#if they're going back to earth#they better fucking give lance a cuban last name and end that fandom shite once and for all#kill the name mcclain with fire#they can't possibly have them meet whole families and not have last names#come on#if lance is introducing his friends to his family and either stutters and/or pauses when introducing keith 'he's my...'#i will be a happy gal#hunk should also get a last name. cement that samoan heritage#krolia and keith can visit dad's grave together. GIVE HIM A FREAKING NAME#my commentary
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Oh. Boy.
We are tied together by an invisible rope that no one can see but me.
And my cells.
It looks like milk and blood and tears and sweat, pouted bottom lips, first smiles, spit up, engorged breasts, dirty laundry and sweet 3:00 am smiles between burps, after switching sides nursing in the low salt lamp light of the nursery. Because after six weeks of never getting more than three hours of connected sleep, these smiles are nature’s way of making sure that I don’t abandon my offspring. Which I couldn’t regardless because I would feel him cry from 20 miles away.
I have only been away from him for 20 minutes in 6 weeks. Maaaaybe 24. We are tethered together and when he cries, my muscles vibrate and the back of my head floods with blood and alarm and I can not completely relax until he is completely relaxed, because this is motherhood and what I signed up for. Along with the unmatched joy of love, firsts, laughter, chubby armed hugs and sticky kisses. And the unmatched fear of college tuition, physical and mental well being, and trying to decide if it is actually that important to eat completely organic because again, college tuition, and who the heck is trimming their finger nails and when did everyone’s knuckles turn to sandpaper on the verge of bleeding? Who the heck has been managing their winterized skin because it certainly is not me. Where is their mother!
Oh.
Wait.
Shit.
Aquaphor to the rescue!
I have not written in eons because life keeps happening and it is so hard to justify things that I feel I want, arguably need to do. No need to interrupt with a monologue on self care. I am very aware and I also hate the term ‘self care’ and there are more important things I should be doing while you’re talking. Like writing. Or laundry. Or crying.
Anyways. This past year, 2019, was a year to remember and to never repeat.
JANUARY:
I booked my first commercial! Oh, btw, for those who don’t know, I do commercial modeling now. Before that sounds insanely glamorous and braggadocious, I have to clarify that “Commercial Modeling” is the type of modeling that you do in the Midwest where basically you are being hired to fit the criteria of a stereotype. There are Allll sorts of people, sizes, colors, etc. signed as commercial models and it has less to do with a person looking like a runway model, and more with a person just looking like, a person. And knowing how to find your light.
But it’s been a fun new venture in this chapter of life and I have really enjoyed getting to do something *new*.
And get *attention*.
And enjoying the *crafts table* on sets.
In January, we also thought that we wanted to expand our family. I then came down with Influenza A the day after a really wonderful couples Mexican night at a friend’s house.
I prayed that I didn’t infect any other person there.
I prayed not to die.
FEBRUARY!
Two weeks later I got the stomach bug followed by Influenza B two weeks after that. My body was trying to quit 2019.
I couldn’t blame her.
We decided to put child creation on pause until the Fall, as we weren’t even sure it was the right decision for our family as we daily debated the pros (Baby! Love! Four part harmony!) And cons. (Money! Time! Laundry! The time and money it will take to do all of that laundry!)
Steve began traveling more than ever this year. And my body forgot how to be a body.
End February.
MARCH
The day after my birthday we left for our first ever family vacation. We flew to visit my in-laws in Naples, Florida. We discussed that this trip could be a litmus test for whether or not we should expand our family. A test of *Can we really handle this?*. (hahhahaahhahhahha.) The answer to this question is always, Always, a “No”. And if you Can answer “Yes”, you’re naive, because the answer is always “No”. But that shouldn’t deter you. Mostly.
This trip was by far a high-light of the year, and life, really. The boys saw the ocean for the first time. We went on a swamp tour, ate fresh papaya, homemade almond milk, Key Lime pie and picnicked on the beach with pbjs and rosé. We walked around the lake of the condo’s complex every afternoon feeding birds and fish, and I feel like I relaxed and soaked in life in a way that I had not in recent months.
Perhaps years.
There is something so healing about being near the ocean.
There is something so healing about being away from daily responsibilities.
There is something so healing about watching an alligator eat a giant marshmallow four feet from where your family is sitting on a boat with no railing in the middle of our nation’s finest treasure swamp.
IMPORTANT MOMENT:
During our last walk around the lake on our last day, Steve & I were revisiting our initial conversation of *Can we do four?* I said that if I were to look at the past week, assess our lives and deduce all of the information and experiences of traveling and being responsible for these three little men under the age of 6, there is really no good reason for us to expand our family. So we need to come to a firm decision together and I either need to grieve the idea of having four children, which is something, even as a child, I always thought would happen, or we need to confidently decide together that expanding is something we want and we will neither regret nor resent the other person when times get tough.
Because times will get tough.
We decide to wait, open-endedly.
Revisit the conversation at home.
Decide in the fall after we probably move this summer.
Just then a lovely Floridian retiree who looked like he was maybe a sports-coach-businessy-man in his younger years, passed us on the walking path on our left. With complete abandon and zero reason to speak to this stranger, let alone ask such a pointed question, I began:
Me: Excuse me sir.
Sporty-Business-Senior-Citizen: (A little confused why I am interrupting his walk) Yes?
Me: (Presuming he even had children) How many children did you have?
SBSC: Four. Four boys.
Steve and I looked at each other.
And cracked up.
Nervously. Hilariously. With disbelief. And total abandon.
Steve: Why does God always do that for you?
I think because I ask.
APRIL
No more flus! Although a wonderful lingering cough that sounds like I have smoked everything I could for the past several years wakes up with me every morning and really shines when I try to sing at church. I keep kleenexes in my pocket to accompany the sexy vibe of my death rattle and question if my lungs will ever be *just air* again.
Around mid-April I also began to feel really tired. Like, REALLY tired. I would lay in bed with the now-4 year old after reading him his book before nap and wondered if my body was going to be able to get back up.
Huh.
Wait.
Shit.
I know this tired.
I peed on a stick. Because I always have extra tests around the house, stashed like a crazy little doomsday pack rat worried about procreation once shit hits the fan. It will be the Walton’s in their underground luxury bunker, and me in my home, surrounded by a ton of pregnancy tests.
Positive.
I peed on four more sticks.
Positive.
X4.
To this day, I truly don’t understand how or when this happened because I tracked everything and knew when what was happening and the only explanation was that I ovulated twice or something in March, or early April, or a miracle, or I have no clue. But we were supposed to have four children, like my bones always knew, and God defied science and time and we were pregnant again, after trying, deciding to wait until the fall, not trying, while trying to decide what is the best decision for our family, and boom. I was so relieved and elated that we never had to make a final decision. Bonus baby came, and without giving too much information, although my comfort zone is typically a swimming pool filled to the brim with too much information, for the extremely curious and connoisseurs of poetry, from what I could deduce, bonus baby probably happened on April 1st, or April Fool’s Day.
Why does God always do that for me?
Because there are few things I appreciate more than a sparkling sense of humor.
MAY
Shoot a commercial. Boys end school. Begin summer lessons - which I think I love.
JUNE
Decide I hate summer lessons. Our house is too small, too noisy, not good for students, not good for our family, not good for me.
Decide we need to sell house.
JULY
House goes on the market. Hemorrhage money to get the house on the market (This was our first experience selling a house - WHICH I NEVER WANT TO DO AGAIN. It is completely absurd how much money it costs to sell a house. You question how you could have even lived in it before all of the updates and repairs. Answer is, easily. I really loved that house and she served us very well.)
Steve travels a ton.
We find out the fetus, which my friends nick-named “Quadzel” is indeed a boy. Which we all knew, didn’t we? Kozels are never on time. Kozels love pizza, dance parties, and dogs. Kozels. Make. Boys.
4 boys.
Four.
Boys.
There’s four of them.
HAHAHHAHAHhahahahahAHAHAHAHhaha
Moving on.
Pregnancy, house hunting, home selling, money, work, parenthood, traveling spouse, about does me in. I cry a lot. And sweat a lot because St. Louis summers feel like you are inside of a dragon’s nostril, and I wonder when this chapter will ever end.
Get offer on house.
Buyers walk away.
Cry a whole, whole, whole, bunch.
Question if the water sac that my fetus is growing in is mostly made of cortisol, tears, nourished by potato chips, bananas and sparkling water.
House goes back on market.
Get offer on house.
AUGUST
Close on new house. Pack. Clean. Paint.
Three biggest highlights of our summer:
1.) Our nanny. She loves our boys and family as if we all share DNA. She is loving, kind, enthusiastic, an unbelievable singer, she laughs easily, cares for my family so deeply, and she puts a cross across my growing belly when she hugs me goodbye. I love this girl as if we share DNA.
She is family.
2.) Our painter. He is incredibly smart, wildly funny, appreciates good food, my children, my chaotic inability to have normal emotions and we enjoy a witty banter mixed with shared lunches of hummus and crackers, discussing thoughts on faith, politics and paint tips, with a few Seinfeld and Jimmy Stewart impressions thrown in for good measure.
3.) Our new house. We won the lottery here. It holds us (and more!), and is a ranch (which I always wanted because our next door neighbor’s house growing up was a ranch and it felt enormous - it was also enormous - but I loved how much space it felt like there was to walk around. To hide from future children).
In this new house there is a place for me to do piano lessons, a swing set (that needs some TLC) and my deal-breaker of finally having a fireplace (there are TWO, which makes us seem waaaay Richy Richer than we are). And my final wish-list item which is a separate mudroom. It’s divine. And has somehow become the room that I spend the most time in, because this is also where I fold laundry as it doubles as an upstairs space to watch TV since the piano took over the main living room area. This also makes us look high brow and fancy, not having a TV in the main part of the house. But then you realize we just moved the TV into the mudroom, which actually reads very desperate, thus creating a fancy-deficit.
The biggest win of all, however, is our street. There are three other families (two a little older) that have four boys. (WHAT?!) It’s like there is some cosmic, magnetic pull toward Y chromosomes to the end of this little street in this little neighborhood, and we had no chose but to move in.
And this lovely little street laid with asphalt and testosterone happens to be notorious for trick or treating. Or the night that we send our kids to bed with eyeliner whiskers stained on their faces, drunk off of sugar and an extended bedtime, while we can go downstairs, drink a pumpkin beer and eat their full size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
But there are kids. Lots. It feels like a bottled up moment in time where kids still ride bikes in the streets and a dad that throws a football to his sons on Sunday afternoons while neighborhood kids run from one house to the next - or stay where they can until a parent throws them out.
Because you know what is not quiet? 7 year old boys. And eventually they are going to smell terrible. And be somewhat bad influences on each other. But for today, they make dumb jokes and play with Legos and try to impress each other and still cry when their feelings get hurt. I want to bottle up this age because time is limited and those dumb jokes are going to turn dirty, and Legos will be replaced with video games and they won’t cry anymore. Especially when they need to.
We celebrated our 11th anniversary. Steve turned 37 the next day.
SEPTEMBER
All. Three. Boys. Are. In. School.
We are moved into the new house and I spend the next three months with free mornings painting, cleaning, unpacking, decorating, painting, cleaning, nesting, laundry, painting, nesting, laundry, eating and I am the most productive that I have been since 2012.
And we lost and found Pocket about a billion times.
OCTOBER
Pocket turns 11 and promises to quit trying to run back to our old house.
Annual lake weekend with our best friends.
Book an industry gig in Chicago for an airline. Turns out “Tired, pregnant mom” is marketable?
Eat, Paint, Love.
NOVEMBER
I begin contracting. My due date has changed eight times since our first OB appointment. By the end of November I contract every day and every day I think I am in labor. We skip Thanksgiving at my Aunt & Uncle’s house because we are afraid of going into labor two hours from home.
We don’t.
But an alternativeThanksgiving in town at our aforementioned friends’ house ends up being a really special celebration and much needed distraction. Because who doesn’t want a 9 month pregnant woman at their Thanksgiving table, going inward while she contracts between bites of pumpkin pies. I use the plural here because in addition to this family’s gift of being warm and welcoming to us at their Thanksgiving table, they are also notorious for their pie enthusiasm. I had limited time left to eat for two so that day I ate pie for about 9.
Eat, Pray, Contract.
DECEMBER
Part of the gaggle of due dates has to do with the fact Quadzel is measuring large.
After weeks, days and prayers of choosing whether or not to induce, we decided to go ahead and listen to our OB’s advice and do a 39 week induction on December 6th. I had never had an induction date before and for my swan song delivery, I really wanted to go into labor on my own. Screw that. The amount of contractions crescendoing in the three weeks leading up to this induction date sufficed that noble desire. And the exhaustion and impatience from these three weeks made going in the morning of the 6th feel like relief and success.
At 4:41pm, air filled the lungs of our fourth and final boy. My body almost instantaneously felt relief from having him out of me, like a giant fetus sized splinter being removed. Our little 8 lb.12 oz. spud settled down almost instantly in my arms.
Kepler R. Lumen Kozel looked like his brothers, but mostly like himself.
Our family was complete.
The following weeks were mixed with stomach bugs, snow days and Christmas, all jumbled up in every order, and we were trying to adjust to a family of six.
And I don’t think we lost Pocket once.
In one light, my year reads quite magically. New house. New baby. New gigs. New chapters.
Healthy. Happy. Home.
In a different light, I look back and see a mother and wife who was balancing on thinning ice while watching a river of stress and anxiety rush beneath her feet. Viruses, decisions, hormones, pregnancy, stress, raising three boys, working from home, traveling husband, selling a house, buying a house, money stress, time stress, gosh damn inspection failure stress and throw in aggressively paying off credit cards, living as cheaply as possible for months, a few really painful conversations with people very important to me, and trying to be a good piano teacher, friend, sister and daughter. It was too much. I cried a lot in 2019.
And if I could change one thing, I actually wouldn’t change that stress. Or even getting the flu(s) or having buyers back down on our house.
I would like to change my response.
I would like to acknowledge, without shame, the fear and anxiety that bubbles, boils and swirls inside of me. And I would instead take back the wheel from these emotions and after a good hug and a few deep breaths. I would exhale and faithfully consider that my life is not going to catastrophically implode, the stress is temporary, and I don’t have to live in a place where there is a pedal tone of fear vibrating underneath my hours.
(I also have an internal struggle where I realize that all of these challenges are very privileged problems. I am lucky to have these stressors because I was born a white heterosexual woman in a family in a certain socio-economic level, in America. There are still issues within those parameters, but I feel a bit squeaky or tone deaf if I don’t at least acknowledge that I know there are so many, many people out there that wished they had my problems to deal with. But then this goes into my thought process of just how one person’s beauty does not negate another person’s beauty. One person’s suffering doesn’t negate another person’s suffering. We can call just listen to one another with compassion and empathy and respond with “Wow, I’m really sorry you’re hurting”. Or, “That seems like a lot on your plate. I am sorry you are struggling, I would too.” Or for me personally, “What coffee or champagne can I bring you?”)
I don’t know when I will learn to live in a place where I don’t react at 100 and feel my throat tighten and the muscles at the base of my neck feel like if they can contribute and hold my skeleton together, then I have more control.
Because I don’t.
And for the most part, things work out whether or not my throat and neck help.
I could have just gone through last year more relaxed and faithful and end up exactly where I am. Which is a pretty great place. Minus the extra stress and worry. (smerky smerk)
But that feels completely unrealistic, and not even authentic to who I am.
But I can work on authentically and empathetically giving myself space to acknowledge these stressors, and then to breathe. Deeply. Wholly. Holy.
Fear and anxiety will never fully go away, but I can at least relieve them from their driving privileges and promote myself from sitting shotgun in my own shit show.
This past year has also taught me three very valuable lessons:
I will forever be getting a flu shot for the rest of my life.
I truly don’t plan on moving again, for the rest of my life.
If we do end up moving, it will be because we have entirely too much money to fit inside of this house and we will hire people to do every last aspect of moving, from packing things into boxes, to getting a stupid fence up to code, and filling in every nail hole and repainting our walls to make it look like we never lived here. And there are tons. Because I’m a nail three times, then measure kind of girl.
Which is probably one of my most annoying charms.
Along with hearing from God.
And gestating enormous boys.
(Let it be known, it took actually 10 gosh damn days to write this stupid thing. There is never a complete window of time to do anything. Kepler naps about 36 seconds at a time before spitting up and shitting himself and then I soothe him back asleep. And I am tired of hearing every single person’s opinion on the Super Bowl. It happened. I nurse every two to three hours around the clock right now and I internet better than anyone. I am tired of reading about this. Let’s get back to pictures to unconsciously, subconsciously (did you like that?) make everyone jealous, posting funny animal videos and acting like we are all experts on politics. K? K! xo, KK)
My computer isn’t wanting to compute well right now and this seems to be the only photo I can upload from My Photos. Which is weird and wonderful as these are our dear friends who we couldn’t be luckier to do life with. Annual lake weekends and Thanksgivings with them. They have amazing taste in food, music, and style. Our senses of humor and interests seem to braid together effortlessly, and they are my favorite people to share a bottle of wine, Mike’s Hot Honey, or 1000 pies with.
Here is Kepler. King of calories. Poops hourly. And now smiles like a pumpkin.
These are photos from his first 24 hours, when the boys came to meet him for the first time. I cherish these photos more than most earthly possessions and we paid for them and I am getting ever penny’s worth so here are some faves.
And you should check out Crystal Bucky because she is such an amazing photographer.
And here he is yesterday. Wearing a 6 month outfit in his eighth week of life. What a hoss. I love him.
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EPISODE 1-Well here the f*ck we are again! - Trace
As the game begins and everyone gets used to their new camps, personalities clash together. In the first challenge of the season, a mistake and a fumble causes Keaton a big loss but merges alliances together.
I want to die
ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO TALK TO SURVIVOR PEOPLE THAN BIG BROTHER PEOPLE. I’m in IHOS right now and they’re so overly dramatic, it’s not funny. I already feel good about this tribe- such cuties! Also, I hope I’m the first confessional.
I'm about to be devoured alive on this tribe. I don';t know anyone here. But I peep icons like RTP, Dana, and Ruthie on the other tribe
I don’t trust any of these people, HAHA. I am really excited though. Right now I’m trying to talk up Linus and Seamus because I don’t trust EITHER and I want to be in their good sides. I also want to get in good with Amanda and Pippa. I feel like Glo and I are good and I want to get a solid bond with RTP but... we’ll see! IM NOT putting all my eggs in one basket! On the plus side I think we have a real solid team! There are still a few people I need to talk to but... I’m being more social this season already than I’ve been on some of my others.. heh
lmao can i mutiny?? Earlier this year i had a falling out with some ex friends and one of them is in this game and the other one has a bestie thats in this game and honestly its exhausting. I wouldnt mind being here if they kept things game related but i know that they're going to make things personal and they're going to continue to spread lies about me.
tell me WHY my favorite person i have talked to so far (linus) is a STRAIGHT MAN. why am i hoe for the straight men. i have become the very thing i swore to destroy. i literally hate myself.
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As of right now, I want to do either paintball or bottles because I don't want to be the SOLE reason we lose in one of those individual challenges. Also, I think I'm pretty good at endurance challenges for paintball so it'll be fine. My tribemates seem to be an active, ok bunch. I like most of them. I'm getting really good vibes from Dan, Chloe, and Trace. They would be the people I'd add to an alliance. I haven't talked to LAchie or Kwaton yet so maybe they'll be my target if we lose. Nic is pretty cool. I think we'll get along well. Still trying to sus him out. Everyone else is just fine in my eyes. But they're all just obstacles in my way
*a little while later*
The tribe call was initially about the challenge, but now it has become something greater: an alliance. I always try to get alliances early within tribe calls. It makes the pre-merge a lot easier for me. I actually really enjoyed the company of John and Chloe. I didn't think I would, but here I am. If Brien was on a little longer then he would've been in it too. Oh well. Maybe he'll be in the next alliance I create.
*even later*
I really fucked that one up. Jesus christ. I did terrible. Hopefully my tribe can carry the other challenges because doing that badly is almost first boot worthy. Ugh I fucking hate myself
*the camera man keeps recording but is losing consciousness*
I truly do not know how my tribe can be this messy with challenges this early on. Keaton is seemingly going to fuck up the puzzle since he GAVE HIS LAPTOP AWAY. We're a mess. The first challenge isn't even done. Jesus, if we go to tribal, I am praying that they will not want me gone. It'd be terrible
I meant to send this last night but I think Ryan got himself out on purpose. Did he or did he not... that is the question! So I’m getting along really well with Linus, Amanda and Anabel at the moment. I love Glo but I feel like people will be down to vote her off if we lose. Hopefully my people winning the paintball match will mean all four of us will be safe but people are crazy so... we’ll see!
I'm kind of frustrated with my tribe right now. It seems like none of them know what they are doing in the challenge. "I can't find the puzzle." "I don't know the phrase." "What's the order?" Y'all should have figured this out a day ago. But whatever. I guess we'll lose and I'll have to cut out some weak links. I'm very over the absolute unprofessionalism of this tribe.
YAAAAAS I’m so happy we won the first immunity challenge. I’m pretty sure if our tribe loses then I’m going to be the first person to leave the game. Literally NO ONE is talking game with me, I even tried to form an alliance with Anabel today and she just like laughed it off fkfkfkfkfkf. IM SO FICKED
Well here the fuck we are again! The rebels tribe is cute tbh. I know Nic, we played together well in Chamonix. Lachie and I made it to the final of ILM a couple years ago. Chloe and I didn't work well together in Kuwait but we have a similar sense of humor so I have a good feeling about it. I hosted Dan and Keaton in MB and have good relationships with both. I don't know Brien but he already basically told me he has my back, and I do trust him even though he is a bit of an outcast. I don't really trust Raffy, he's kinda hard to talk to. Everyone else is basically irrelevant. I was so convinced that we were going to flop and flop HARD in the challenge, and we did. But at least Chloe, John, and I flopped the least and got us our one point. Now nobody can hold that against me! Tbh I wouldn't be mad sending Keaton out of the game. He's all over the place and didn't even compete in the challenge. So idk, we shall see. I feel pretty good about my place in the game but lord knows shit always hits the fan for me the second I have to talk strategy. So fingers crossed ladies!
We really got our asses handed to us HUH!? Honestly, I feel okay? I think I’ve chatted a bit with everyone and had meaningful convos, but that means nothing. I lost my wave so why should I feel super safe? I mean Keaton should be worried for sure, but I love him, so I’m just trying to see if there’s another option. I personally can’t fucking stand Raffy, BUT everyone seems to enjoy his twinky shady ass. Can’t relate!! I’m just gonna work on my growing bond with Asya and Nic and see where that takes me (: Here’s a list of who I trust from most to least so far!
1. Asya
2. Nic
3. Lachie
4. Trent
5. Chloe
6. Keaton
7. Brien
8. John
9. Raffy
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Losing the challenge sucks. Especially since we got stomped on. My target for this tribal is Trace. I don't really talk to him, and he just didn't do the challenge. That's a liability in my eyes. So, he has to go. However, I'm trying to avoid spreading his name so early until a few hours before tribal. People are being hesitant to throw out names because they don't want to be "That Guy." It's scary out here. I feel like I should be fine since I'm relatively social and active. Talking with people last night, I think I managed to make Trace an ally of mine. I suggested working together and he accepted. So, hopefully that pans out in the future. It just adds another person to my ranks. It's extremely important that I make these solid connections to protect me in case of a swap or once we get to merge.
I’m in rebels vs royals WHOO these royals are going down. We lost the first challenge but it’s okay it gives us time to trim the fat on the tribe and see where everyone stands. I like mostly everyone so far but I think it’s the honeymoon phase now and things will get real soon when we all ruthlessly target each other. I played with Keaton before and we agreed to have each other’s back and I would love to work with him for the long road and even be loyal to take him to the end with me even if I was definitely gonna lose. I’m trying to flip the way I play with friends and not be selfish and stick my neck out for them. It’s completely a transformation for me because my first season I betrayed my best friend cause I didn’t want to go to rocks but when I’m reality I was selfish. Raffy- seems cool but he is also a likable player that I have to have on my radar to not let get that far
John- I love John I know it’s early but if I had to pick my final 3 now it would be me him and Keaton. He might be playing me but he is just such a great person I hope we can work well in this game.
Aysa- Idk how I feel about her she seems nice however she also seems shady granted everyone is but I can’t let her get to far.
Lachie- my first target we don’t mesh well in our conversation and that’s a sign to me early on that we won’t work well in this game. He is my number one target at this first tribal we have to go to.
Trace- I like trace but he seems like a poser and I think he’ll say whatever he has to in order to finally snatch the win in his 8th time.
Nic- he is quiet but could also be deadly he was playing up that he hasn’t played in a while and doesn’t want to go first and I get that but i know it’s just a play for him to integrate himself in the tribe.
Chloe- she is nice but idk where she stands strategy wise but I like her and I can certainly see it being hard getting her out.
Dan- I almost forgot about dan he is so UTR I don’t trust him and if I can’t get lachie I would love to get him out at the first tribal. Now I know people have past season connections but I can’t really do much about it I just have to hope they implode on themselves and then I can find a crack within all the ruins. I’m certainly playing this game differently then before I’m gonna be as loyal and honest as I can and i know it’s a marathon not a sprint and I have to treat this game as such.
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I’m so glad to be safe this round! I fell asleep really early last night and I’m glad we aren’t on the chopping block because when I scramble I look like an egg head. I wonder who is going home on the other tribe hmmm
So.....I am ELIZA levels paranoid, even though it’s the first vote. Trace is my number 1 so far because we worked together in a previous game and he’s just cool. So I trust him. I also know Dan, but the way we left things in our last convo before the game was darksided...but we promised to work together this time. I am somewhat confident in that. I like Lachie a lot even though I don’t know him, and Brien seems like a strong player. I think this first vote is coming down to Keaton or Raffy. I am kinda wanting Keaton because I feel like Brien has him under his wing and if Keaton goes then Brien will be weaknened and maybe be easier to control? Keaton is saying Raffy is a strong player for some reason and we should get him out as soon as possible. So...idk. BUT...I am a paranoid mess, so this could all just be a big plot to get me out!!! Who knows??
Ok so basically I know almost everyone on both tribes which really fucking shocks me?! I was expecting to know like one person and then not be very invested but I was wrong luv. Because I’ve played with basically everyone before I like actually want to do well lmao, imagine me actually trying in a game. That being said I did so bad in the flag comp thing, I literally didn’t understand the rules at all whoops. She really thought it had to be all red, the only reason I didn’t draw it was because I was imagining having to fill in the background red after and I GAGGED. I luv Asya, trace and Nic. Last time I played with dan we both got to like final 7 but I barely spoke to him and I’m p sure he’s the reason why kate and I left. But I’ve been speaking to him more In this game and we have like A LOT in common. I’ve also been trying to talk to Chloe a lot because we played a Facebook game together once and she rlly thought I hated her and made so many vls about me, so I’m trying to like be more active in her pms.
A lot of people in this cast don't like me. Dan, Dane, Pippa. To name a few. With Dane it's very personal. He hurt me and I don't think he gets that I'm still super sad about it. We havent talked since March. We have so many inside jokes im reminded of and I laugh and I always just instantly wanna text him but I can't cause then I remember. I'm not going to throw his name out ever. If people come to me with it then yeah i'll do it. Anyway. I love RTP we've never really gotten to play together something always happens. Love Amanda. She's slaughtered me before but it's always been fun so I hope we can be an amazing team. I think shes still really good friends with Dan which might cause huge problems. Anyway later skater
oh shit a rat oh wait thats just my reflection hihi i was gonna do a video but i hate my face so we're typing today girls. so. i like my tribe!!!! i think everyone is like smart which is scary bc i have approximately 1 brain cell that i share w trent and it is VERY obvious that i am not in possession of said brain cell. i keep saying crackhead things to people and i dont know why, i guess im just on meth or something i dont know... maybe the ppl at my local ice cream joint(tm) slipped something into me bc i am in the mood to get WILD!!! i think as of rn i am ssn 90's sweetheart and everyone loves me and YES i am COCKY but i have a right to be bc i am fucking POPULAR!!!! my ranking is as follows, anyone who disagrees with me sucks ass.
1. linus 2. dane 3. amanda 4. seamus 5. ruthie 6. gloria 7. ryan m 8. ryan p 9. pippa
i will not explain these rankings bc i am right, u r wrong, shut the fuck up
Pippa doesn’t respond to me, feels bad man. Everyone else is pretty dope though, I’m definitely getting along with Anabel the best, she’s probably gonna win the game. Honestly the big story is just how Keaton’s opening was so cocky, yet called us cocky but then he abstained and likely will be first boot based on the abstain. Fantastic storyline making a full circle in the period of just 3 days. Sorry this is probably lame, I’m in a shitload of pain, I really just need to sneak by until I’m not suffering from my tonsil removal and then I can really tear things up. Oh, also Hoodie Ryan is the only epic gamer on my tribe so I hope he goes far so we can rise up together.
so far I am getting to know Seamus Pippa and Linus and other but dan;t think of their names lol. Had fun doing bottles challenge then messed up but our tribe rocks and we still won challenge. Where I stand I think I am liked by several so far. Wonder where it will go who knows <3 GLO <3
Am about to be first boot and I’m not even surprised lol xx
I’m just like an emotional wreck? Idk. I’m trying to keep plugging along but I have so much stuff taking up time in my personal life. Like rear ending a car tonight :~) soooo I think the vote is Keaton, but honestly who the fuck knows. Everyone could be pulling a fast one on me. I tried pitching an alliance with Asya, Chloe, and John but it went no where so look at me booboo the fool. I just feel like I don’t have much traction yet and I don’t wanna be caught off guard by a blindside tonight. I’m always just so paranoid at first tribal. Why didn’t we just kill the royals in the comp. fucking flop ass tribe.
Okay so THESE PEOPLE WANNA KILL ME. I thought I would be good with Chloe, Dan, and Trace but they all ran to the kingpin, Nic. I tried to throw Raffy under a bus, but Lachie and Asya protect, John didn't wanna talk, and Brien...I'm sorry Weber. You better fuckin kill it this game. Time to do what I do best though...cause an absolute shitton of chaos....for you Weber.
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For Asgard (Chapter 2/?)
From the way Loki introduces himself, it sounds like even he doesn't know who he is or where he's from.
The name only slightly registers in your mind, but you can't for the life of you place where you would have heard it. Really, all you can think is, oh well that sounds very foreign.
The atmosphere this Loki guy gives off is a distracted one. Silently distraught, with a hint of subtle anger lurking within. Despite these negative vibes you get from him, he is nothing but cordial and polite to you.
“So...since you're not from around here, do you have somewhere to stay already?”
“No, I do not,” says Loki. “However, I am not planning on staying in this realm for much longer. I must find my way back home as soon as possible.”
Realm? You shake off his strange choice of words and make a bold suggestion. One you probably shouldn't suggest to a stranger you just met.
“If you like, you can stay with me at my place until you've figured out how to get home?”
Loki carefully considers this.
“I would appreciate that,” he accepts. “Again, thank you for being so kind.”
“Not a problem,” you assure him with a sweet smile.
I have not been the recipient of such kindness in a long time, he had said.
You wonder what on Earth Loki could have been through, how anyone could be unkind to him. He's terribly polite and seems genuine when talking to you. In this moment, you believe whoever has treated him poorly must be a truly heinous person.
After checking Loki out of the hospital, you take him back to your place. A rather small but perfectly livable space. When you two walk through your front door, Loki says nothing, only looks around in curiosity.
“It's not much...” you say. “But it's home.”
Almost immediately Loki spots the bookshelf at the other end of the room. He strides over to it and browses.
“I have not heard of these titles before,” he says almost to himself. You find that a little strange seeing as you have a good amount of classics on that shelf. You let him look them over while you quickly make a call to work informing them you'll be a bit late today due to an earlier “family emergency.” No one can argue with that kind of excuse. Thankfully your boss understands.
“So um...Loki?”
He looks up from a book he had plucked and had already dove into. “I'm going to get ready and go to work. I'll be back later this evening. Help yourself to anything in the house.”
“Thank you very much, (Y/N),” Loki says graciously, bowing his head in thanks.
A slight blush may have crept onto your cheeks.
You then take the fastest shower of your life and throw on some clean clothes hoping they match. You come out of your room with some old clothes (that your ex from long ago had left at your place) for Loki to wear. Anything would be better than whatever the hell kind of get-up he was in, even if it was strangely hot (because, hey – you got to love the leather). You toss them on the coffee table by the couch. Grabbing your keys, you fly out the door giving Loki a quick goodbye. He is so engrossed in a book that you're not even sure he heard you.
You arrive to work and apologize again and again for being late. Your boss thankfully still understands. The work day progresses as it normally does until almost closing time. That's when you decide to use the Reference Desk computer to look something up before leaving for the day. You type in “Loki” to the library's catalogue. As you thought earlier, you feel like you've heard the name somewhere, like a book perhaps. Results reveal titles regarding Norse Mythology.
What?
Using the Dewey Decimal System to your advantage, you walk through the non-fiction bookshelves and glide your finger along the spines looking for the number 292 – Norse Mythology. You pluck down a promising book for your subject matter. It's a stunning shiny metallic gold colour with an interestingly textured cover. You will definitely be checking this book out tonight. You've got some research to do. You sign it out to your name, throw it in your bag, and leave work behind you.
Before you head home though, you make a stop for some take-out, ordering a variety of things. You're not sure what Loki would like, but having a large selection of choices is the best bet. Plus, that means plenty of delicious leftovers.
When you first walk through your front door, your eyes have to adjust to the slight mess your company has made. So many books are stacked and scattered all around your living room and left just about everywhere else, too. The untidy culprit dressed in the clothes you left him, rests lying down on the couch looking positively at home.
Wherever that was again.
You set down the bags of take-out and your work bag on the dinner table.
“Ow! Shit!” you hiss. What the-? The disruption makes Loki look up from his book. You take a seat in the nearest chair and take a look to see what you stepped on.
It's a shard of glass. Why are there pieces of shattered glass on your floor? It takes you a few seconds to piece together what the once fully formed object could have been, but finally realize it was a vase. Loki gets up off the couch and comes to you. His eyes don't leave you.
“(Y/N), are you all right?”
“Loki...” you start. “W-why is my vase broken?”
“I am so sorry.”
“I mean, it's okay. I'm sure it was just an accident.”
The word 'accident' paints a guilty look on his face so you give him a questioning one in return.
“It wasn't an accident?” There's a small pause.
“I'm... afraid not.” You're confused. He did this on purpose? Who goes around throwing other people's home decor around on purpose?
“So what, you're telling me you threw the vase? You didn't just knock it over?”
“Er, yes, I suppose that is exactly it.” Still confused, you ask why he threw it. He looks ashamed or possibly embarrassed. Almost child-like.
“Well you see, I may have let a series of negative emotions get the better of me earlier today. Thus the er... throwing of household items. Again, I am terribly sorry. I thought I had tidied up most of the mess.”
“You hurled other things in my house?” For goodness sakes, it's almost like having a dog or a child.
This predicament makes you think. You had figured there was something wrong with Loki back at the hospital. He was deeply sad. But now if he's destroying your property due to 'negative emotions,' clearly his sadness had turned to anger. You desperately wished to know what had happened to this poor man to render him this way. He seems very sweet and kind, otherwise (at least towards you). But when might he crack next? You'll cross that bridge when you get to it, you suppose. And you forgive him, you do. He's clearly going through something and holding a grudge or blowing up at him obviously won't fix the problem.
You set the table and dish out the glorious food. During dinner, he seems quite intrigued by the food, as if he's never laid eyes on Chinese food before.
“Do you want to talk about it?” you ask while cleaning up after eating.
“About what?”
“About why you felt the need to throw my things?” He thinks about your question for a moment. Like he really does want to talk about it.
“No,” he puts simply. Well, there you have it. You decide not to pry anymore on the subject and leave it alone just in case you end up poking the bear by accident. Though in time, might he share? Probably not, you point out to yourself. You're still both pretty much strangers.
After the dishes are done and the few bits of remaining glass have been discarded, you take care of the books Loki has already read and place back on the shelf.
“And I thought I was done this kind of work for today.”
“What do you mean by that?” Loki asks.
“I work at a library. This is one of the many things I do during the day. Re-shelving and whatnot.”
The man's eyes light up with great surprise. This intrigues him.
“Do you really? That is absolutely magnificent!” Loki exclaims.
“Yes, it's quite lovely.” Then an idea comes to mind. “Say Loki... how would you like to accompany me to work tomorrow? There's a much better selection there for you than here. I'm sure you'd have a blast.”
“I would be thrilled, my dear. Thank you, kindly.”
“Of course. Just do me a favour.”
“And what, pray tell, might that be?”
“Don't throw things around at my work tomorrow in a heated rage.” Loki chuckles at that. He's so adorable when he's in a positive mood. You strangely feel the need to do everything in your power to keep him this way. You've only just met him. How can you feel that way about a person so fast? There's something about him... He walks over to you and takes both your hands in his as if to affirm a promise.
“For you, I think I can manage that.”
Part 3
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sunflower: if there was a door that went to a city that was a good representation of you, what city would it be and would you go through the door? - this is actually a really tough question for me. i’m unsure of what city it would be, but it would be one where it was fall all the time, but still had sunshine. a little bit of cold with warmth. a smaller city that when people passed by each other, they would smile. i don’t know… lol.pink: sunsets or sunrises - i love both so much. i would probably pick sunrises, but at the same time i hate waking up so maybe sunsets?! freshly cut grass: are you an early riser? if not, is this because you stay up late? - I’ve always been a night owl. But I get up every morning at 4am for work and usually exhausted.journal: would you dye your hair if you had the opportunity? why or why not? - yes, it’s currently dyed with highlights. if my job allowed for it, i would probably have pastel purple or pink honestly.painting: in what ways are you creative? - i feel like zero ways lol.waves: is there one music genre you can’t listen to? - i’m not a fan of screamo or hard rock.writing: do you write letters? if not, would you like to? - um, i’m not really sure. i mean, i write notes to people. i journal. waterfalls: describe your perfect date. - i think it would depend on the person i was with and what date it was. i think it would be having lunch, walking on sand holding hands, and then going home and getting cozy and watching a movie. i’m pretty basic. freckles: what’s something that makes you happy? describe the first thing that comes to your head. - peace makes me happy. where there’s no worries in life and i can just relax and enjoy what and who is around me.dimples: would you rather be inviting on a hike or a night out? - i like hiking if it’s not for long periods and there’s a good view at the end. i don’t drink, but i like nights out.blushing: describe a rad person you know. - lol, who uses the word rad anymore. i don’t even know. i hate everyone. hehe.watercolor: talk about something someone you are interested in can do that never fails to make you find them attractive? - whenever he is across the room and makes eye contact with me and smiles, always makes me melt and just want to run up to him and start kissing him.pine: if you could only smell one scent for the rest of your life, what would it be? - the scent black cherry Merlot from bath and body works lol.pink eye shadow: pasta or pizza? - PASTA! icy: homemade or takeout? - depends on what the meal is.rose: what’s your opinion on shyness? - there’s shyness and socially awkward. both are okay, and both i have at times. i sometimes with it didn’t exist though.clouds: list your top 5 songs at the moment and how they make you feel. - ouuuu. this one is exciting to do. hmmmm..1. 1-800-273-8255 // lately, i feel like i’m slipping under the weight of depression. lately, i feel like a failure, unworthy and someone i don’t believe in anymore. i have definitely isolated myself and removed so many people from my life, and just feel like everyone gave up. but it’s truly my own fault. this song, just makes me feel like i can want to be alive again. that it will always get better. 2. let you down // this is dedicated to everyone i’ve let down. i hate that i’ve hurt people, that i’ve failed people. i just wish i could erase my existence in people’s lives. maybe then i wouldn’t feel the way i do. idk..3. pray // i’m not sure i can explain this one without starting to bawl and i am at work but i feel like it will explain itself if you listen. sam smith is just a beautiful artist. also, if you want more sam smith, the whole album is amazing but HIM, too good at goodbyes of course (acoustic), and the thrill of it all will put you all in feels. 4. havana // this song doesn’t have much meaning to me, but i just like the vibe of it and listen to it when i’m feeling it.5. your shirt // everyone always leaves.silk: listen songs you listen to for a jam - oh shoooot. it really depends on what i’m feeling. i could jam to rap some days and others jam to pop and others jam to upbeat sad songs lol.white sheets: where’s somewhere you would love to travel to? why? - hmm, bora bora i think just because of how beautiful it is. but also Thailand for the elephants. black nail polish: what do you do to pamper yourself? - get a pedicure and my nails done!hidden beaches: do you prefer to hand out in a big group or one on one? - depends on the people/person.crossed fingers: using no negative words, describe your hair. - yikes. it’s long and brown with blonde highlights. looks best curled but never have time lol. always tangled, but appreciative that i can sleep on it wet and just get up and brush it in the morning and it’s straight lol. mocktails: cold weather or hot weather? - ouuu, hot i think.
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The Last of Us Part 2 Trailer 2 Analysis
Ryan Toscano
10/30/2017
Recap:
So the second trailer for The Last of Us Part 2 has dropped, and while there was no gameplay, no Ellie, and no Joel, there is still a ton to take away from this trailer. The opening black is coated with the sounds of rain and thunder in a forest. We are looking up into the trees until the camera moves down revealing two hooded figures dragging someone into the dense forest. One of these figures looks like a large man, and the other a women, so I can’t be the only one who was wondering if this was Joel and Ellie.
It isn’t. Instead we see a couple of big “goon” types, and a braid haired woman who seems to be some sort of cult leader. We’ll get to this in a little bit. The scene is in The Last of Us fashion, and by that I mean grim. The only source of light is from the source of a torched car, and hanging in the trees are bodies… gutted bodies. And unfortunately for the lady being dragged in the woods, this seems to be her fate, as she is swiftly strung up by her neck and promptly lifted. A bucket to tip toe on the only means to prevent asphyxiation.
The women reveals herself to her apparent victim and takes out her shiv. “You are nested with sin” she claims just before lifting her shirt and placing that blade upon her belly. “Nested” is such a perfect word here in this world. Creating “nests” is exactly what clickers do. From underground subway systems to college dorms, nests are clickers specialty. Just this simple choice of word creates a level of horror. Then the braided women tells her to “breathe in” which can’t help but bring my mind to the fungal spores of the infected.
A scream from the woods sends a goon off to the forest, and he comes back with another goon, holding a young girl by her arms. This girl is named Yara. We learn this from the braided cult leader as she approaches. I say “cult leader” because she specifically calls Yara (and Lev, we’ll get to him soon) an“apostate.” An apostate is someone who renounces a religious OR political belief. One small detail later in the trailer leads me to lean on the religious end of the spectrum. This being when Lev refers to the infected/clickers as “demons.”
Upon the cult leader requesting to know where “the other apostate” is, Yara spits in her face. A defiance that brings me back to Ellie snapping David’s finger during the incredible “Winter” sequence of the first game. This leads to another interesting use of dialog, when the goons are ordered to “clip her (Yara’s) wings.” There is one true as blue winged animal that is a focus in The Last of Us and that is a firefly.
Yara’s left arm is brutally smashed in with a hammer. This is the kind of brutality you get with The Last of Us, and the scene continues to deliver when an arrow pierces through the face of the goon ready to smash Yara’s remaining working arm, and then another through his heart. Lev is apparently a damn good shot. The distraction allows Yara to grab the hammer and smash the face of goon #2.
Yara raises to her feet grabbing the hammer, as cult leader raises her gun, only to be distracted from a shot in the woods. All this time leaves the viewer, and the cult leader, to forget about the chick they noosed up on the tree. She wraps her legs around the cult leader's throat, slowing her down just enough for Yara to smash the sharp end of the hammer through the cult leader��s temple. The first struggle is over and it’s wake the women left on the noose is left dangling without a bucket, choking.
Lev reveals himself from the woods, claims that the “demons are coming,” and is told by Yara to “cut her down.” He denies her at first, claiming that she’s “one of them,” but is convinced when Yara tells him again more sternly. Not only does Yara understand that without her, she would likely be dead, but also if the “demons” are coming, someone is going to have to make up for her broken arm.
The three stars of the trailers are revealed to us in an Avengers like camera pan. The lady that was hung up is extremely jacked, holding the hammer just pulled out of the head of the dead cult leader. Lev has his bow pulled back, looking from side to side as the rustling and groans from the infected draw nearer. Yara is holding the shiv up in her right arm, as her broken left arms hangs at her side. Yara and Lev are told to “watch their backs,” the violin music picks up slightly, and a vicious pack of clickers comes their way.
Analysis:
There is so much good stuff to take away from this trailer. I want to start with the religious aspects of the trailer, and how it projects the tale we are getting from The Last of us Part 2. “Apostate” is the big clue here in the trailer, along with the word choice of “demon”, but the tiny touches in the trailer really bang the point home. The whole vibe of the trailer screams “satanist sacrifice.”
From the very beginning we are looking at figures cloaked in black, dragging someone away to be hung up and displayed. The only source of light in this trailer is a fire of a burning car. Fire and satan are obvious connection, but then the gutted bodies hung up on the trees make my mind jump to human sacrifice. The leader of the goons talks of “sin” is an obvious nod to religion. Even the string instrument that plays throughout the trailer creates the music that is often so associated with church.
The strongest moment in my mind, is when Yara is being held down in order to have her “wings clipped.” When she is laid out on the ground her arm are stretched out horizontally, and her legs are pulled straight down. The goons holding her down are using a hammer to smash her arms in. This scene isn’t just a girl being tortured, this is directly using Yara as a symbol of Jesus. Of course it is done its very own The Last of Us way, because instead of having her hands and feet nailed to a cross, she is getting her “wings” bludgeoned on the cold dirt.
In my recap I mentioned that the word “wings” was an easy reference to make towards firefly’s, but what if it’s something else? In religion, angels are known for their halo’s and their wings. Is this trailer insinuating that Yara is an angel of this world in some way?
While we’re looking into the symbolism of Yara the character, it’s also important to think of what this name means. I have found three different meanings for the name water that I’ll break down in order of importance. The first meaning is Brazilian, and in that culture Yara is a name that represents “water lady.” The trailer is covered in rain. Other than this I can’t reason anything in particular with what we’re given.
The second meaning is Persian, and in that culture, Yara means “someone you love.” Obviously Lev is a pretty good first choice as this someone. They look like they could be brother and sister, and their bond may be a relationship that The Last of Us Part 2 looks to explore just as much as Joel’s and Ellie’s relationship. This could also just mean how the player is going to feel about Yara. For as amazing as Joel is as a character, it’s easy to claim that the character players latched on to in The Last of Us was Ellie. With Ellie’s rage seemingly at a pinnacle for the sequel, Yara may be the character that you truly love. The character that you hope and pray gets out of the sequel unscathed, more so than any of the other characters.
It is the third meaning of the name Yara that really makes me think. This meaning is in arabic, and it is “small butterfly.” For one let's get this out of the way, Yara is young, she is small. Butterfly is the key word here. I keep being drawn back to “clip her wings.” Maybe this doesn’t refer to a firefly, or an angel, but a butterfly. Upon looking up the word “butterfly” you find out that a butterfly is a symbol of endurance, hope, and life. Even more important is that in religion, a butterfly is symbolic of resurrection.
This meaning behind the name Yara as well as the hanging from the cross symbolism, really pits Yara as a symbol for Jesus. But what would the Jesus of this post fungus-apocalypse world be? With Christianity, Jesus died for our sins, and then later resurrected. You would think that Ellie’s character would be more fitting for the symbolism that they are putting on display for Yara. For me I am unsure, but I love seeing the clues that Neil Druckmann and company are leaving for us, and I’m so excited to see how this story puts those pieces into motion.
The Last of Us was a game that was all about the pitfalls of government. From the onset when panic caused the murder of Joel’s daughter, to the revolution in Pittsburgh (as well as other location) that led to nothing more than more violence, to the firefly’s themselves who were willing to stop at nothing to push their cause. At every turn you were being told a story about government tyranny and oppression. It seems like The Last of Us Part 2 looks to tackles the flip side of the same coin. I of course don’t have all the answers, and by the end of this soon to be masterpiece, I’m sure I’ll be left with more questions. I just can’t wait for the ride to officially begin.
Quick Notes:
Lev is incredible with that bow. One through the face, and the next through the heart!
Lev is a Russian baby name that means ‘lion.” This trailer alone made me fall in love with all three of these characters, especially Yara and Lev. I’m excited to see how the traits of a lion will embody in his c Lev. The most obvious turn is potentially to his courage, but The Last of Us is a series that likes to swerve.
Lev is a Russian baby name that means ‘lion.” This trailer alone made me fall in love with all three of these characters, especially Yara and Lev. I’m excited to see how the traits of a lion will embody in his c Lev. The most obvious turn is potentially to his courage, but The Last of Us is a series that likes to swerve.
The lady being hung like a scarecrow is absolutely jacked! I would not want to see a brawl between her and Tess break out… Or maybe I would? How much are the tickets?
I truly believe that Yara could end up stealing the show in The Last of Us Part 2. We have already seen so much awesomeness from this clip that’s less than six minutes. Her defiance to spit in that woman’s face, her triumph when she plows that hammer through her skull, and her intelligence when she insisted that Lev “cut her down.”
There may have also been quite the gameplay clue hidden in this CGI trailer. Neil Druckmann has announced that this was an “in game cutscene.” Since this is the case, we can assume that you fight that pack of clickers right after. The nameless character of the trailer picks up a hammer, so a hammer seems like it just may be a new melee weapon! How brutalizing, and fitting, is that for The Last of Us?
I’m not the greatest at understanding musical scores, let’s get that out of the way. It seemed to me the music that lifted at the end of the trailer, just before the arrival of the clickers, was the same notes from the main theme of The Last of Us, but done with a violin and not a guitar. If so it is just another beautiful touch on a beautiful game.
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