#and I can’t get myself to eat because it’s enjoyable because all my anxiety around the rules around eating means simply choosing food to eat

[your-local-hoemie]

Hi! Can i request childe and zhongli (seperate) coming home to his beloved overworked and slumped over her desk?

Omg I get to write geo papi :D watch me work my brain juices for ya!

Warnings: fluffffff, a tiny bit of angst in childes if you squint again because I can’t help myself, Concerned boys, not proof-read, established relationships, gn! Reader (I know you said “her” in the request but I wanna keep it gn for everyone’s enjoyment if that’s ok aaaaaa.)

Characters: Childe, Zhongli

No I didn’t get carried away hahaha….hah

···

Childe~

He doesn’t understand at first lmfao

Mans constantly working so like? Isn’t this normal??

Honestly you might be helping him stop for a bit too

Gets very concerned :(

Might think you’ve died for a split second

Once he realised you’re fine he’ll make sure you’re moved to a comfier place like the bed or couch

Try to protest. I dare you.

He’ll probably arrange for one of his subordinates to complete any work you had left just to make sure you can rest

I also dare anyone to protest against a harbinger for finishing your work :)

You had been assigned a bunch of documents from Yanfei to go over after being transferred to her for extra work experience in Liyue before officially graduating.

At first your couldn’t be more optimistic about the workload telling yourself that it’s all worth it in the long run after years of studying law!

That lasted maybe a good four days before the lack of sleep and neglect to eat and drink properly started kicking in.

Raising your head you looked up from the paperwork checking the time. 4:30am. Groaning you raked your fingers through your hair, dragging them down your face trying to keep yourself grounded.

But much to your dismay no matter how hard you tried to keep your eyes open and your head free of fatigue, your body decided to finally take charge and before you can even protest, your head lowered to the table as your heavy eyes finally closed and took the rest they needed.

Meanwhile your beloved boyfriend, childe. Eleventh of the fatui harbingers, had finally got home after endless hours of his own work as a “toy maker”. He never told you about his true occupation, always worried it would put you in harms way or make you scared of him.

Opening the door to your house, making his way up to your bedroom he didn’t actually expect to see you awake being so early in the morning so when he saw the bed untouched and you nowhere in sight he’d be lying if he didn’t feel a twinge of dread run down his spine.

“Babe? Where are you?”

Picking up his pace he’d hurry around the house opening each door, his bow appearing in his hand from anxiety.

Reaching the finally room of your home he swung the door open only to find you slumped over your desk surrounded by paperwork.

Almost running over to your side he dropped to his knee’s placing his hand on your back almost like you’d break under his touch he softly shook you taking comfort in feeling your soft, deep breaths under his touch.

“Hmm? Childe?”

Raising your head groggily you look at your boyfriend for a moment trying to piece together the situation while rubbing your still heavy, sleepy eyes.

“Archons Y/N, you almost gave me a heart attack! Why aren’t you asleep In bed!?”

Giggling sleepily you tried your best to explain the situation all while still feeling the heavy pull of sleep in your body not noticing the soft, if not concerned smile appearing across his face.

Letting out a sigh he gathered you in his arms lifting you up with ease, he carried you to the bedroom placing you down on the bed before pulling you tightly into his arms kissing your forehead.

“No more work for you love”

You were pretty confused to later find out you somehow still managed to finish all the paperwork before passing out even though you swore there was still a pile to go through~

Zhongli~

Oh he already knew.

You thought you were slick? You fool.

From the moment he laid eyes on the workload given to you all the way to your first yawn

He knew

He’d try to make it easier on you, knowing your stubbornness

Brings you fruit and tea every so often

Don’t be surprised if you get a nice back massage too~

Once he thinks it’s gone on for far too long he will take action and there won’t be a damn thing you can do

He’s a ex god. Come on.

If he thinks you should rest then you’re gonna rest

To bed with you

Lots of cuddles and head pats! Maybe even humming if he thinks it’ll help you relax

He won’t do your work for you, he doesn’t have the heart to risk ruining your hard work but he will help you if you seem like you’re struggling!

Much to no one’s surprise, Hu Tao had ever so kindly managed to gather a ever increasing collection of complaints from the citizens of Liyue from her persistent shenanigans that you’d be hard pushed not to find at least a little disturbing, leaving you to deal with the mountain on papers to sort through.

The moment zhongli caught wind of what had been keeping you so occupied from your routine walk through the harbour he was irritated to say the least.

After having a word with Hu Tao that was borderline passive aggressive he immediately stopped by the market picking up the best fruit he could find (much to Childe’s dismay) along with your favourite snacks.

Meanwhile you had enclosed yourself in your office, pondering your life choices while using all the strength you had to stay focused.

How long has it been since you started? When was the last time you ate? Questions hardly noticeable floated around the back of your mind as you intently ignored the pangs in your stomach and the worsening migraine growing across your head.

Letting out a frustrated sigh you finish reading a particularly rude letter sent in only to turn the page over by chance just to see that the paragraphs contained on the other side.

Finally snapping under the stress you lay your head down in defeat on the desk, tears threatening to run from your eyes and soak the papers under your head as you feel your body take over and force you to close them at last.

It wasn’t too long before you woke up in a mild state of panic before noticing a plate of beautifully arranged fruit, a warm cup of tea sitting beside you and a blanket draped over your aching back.

“Ah, you have finally awoken. Forgive me dear but I couldn’t bring myself to wake you from your much needed slumber so I took the liberty to prepare you some food”

God I love writing his funky little words

“Zhongli? H-how long have you been there?? What time is it!?”

“Hush now. No need to get worked up over such trivial things, you still have plenty of time to continue your work but I must remind you that rest and recuperation is an essential part to such dealings”

With that you find him dragging a chair next to you. letting out a deep chuckle he turned you towards him gentle pushing your head down to his lap as his fingers stroked through strands of hair. (If you’re bald then just ignore this part💀)

“Rest for now my dear, I shall assist you in this mess when you have recovered”

Not daring to protest against his authoritative tone, you close your eyes feeling your body melt at his touch.

Maybe a little rest wouldn’t hurt after all~

Bruh writing in zhongli’s fancy words is so fun I feel so sophisticated *sticks pinkie out and sips tea*

#genshin impact fluff #genshin fluff #genshin drabbles #genshin impact scenarios #genshin impact headcanons #genshin imagines #genshin x gn reader #genshin boyfriend scenarios #genshin headcanons #genshin scenarios #genshin impact #genshin #zhongli #zhongli x reader #childe #childe x reader #zhongli scenarios #childe scenarios

[zozo-01]

"you’ve learned a long time ago to stop thinking things would change. (it didn't stop you from hoping anyways.)"

So, it's that time of year again, and I don't have the Raptors to distract me. It's the NHL playoffs and I am a Leafs fan. If you know, you know. I wrote this a year ago for myself and @thatlesbeanjew because being a hockey fan is not the faint of heart, and I completely forgot to post it to Tumblr ;-;. The title is from Jason's Spezza's retirement article and I think it applies well here.

For my sports (specifically hockey) fans who're in an toxic relationship with your favourite team, here's some southern comfort for you.

CW: author is being sentimental about grown men playing a game, i wrote this with the last years Bruins' collapse in mind (sorry tay), but no team is mentioned!!, city wolf darlin makes a comeback, Fluff, Comfort, so much comfort, someone send me to therapy

--

There’s never an easy way to say goodbye.

No one wants to say goodbye, and even if it has to be said, let it be said with finality, with a sense of accomplishment. That even if this is the end, the journey was enjoyable. That the blood, sweat, tears (and really dumb questions) were worth it. That the years, your childhood, spent hoping were worth it.

No one wants to end on a whimper, especially if it’s broadcasted on national TV.

They still can’t believe that final goal went in.

Darlin’ stared at the TV, watching the series-winning goal over and over again. Their eyes tried to rewrite history, using what magic they have to will the puck to not cross the red line. Go wide right, hit the post, or even knock a player's teeth out for all they care! All their efforts were for naught. The goal still goes in, the building goes silent save for the cheers from the opposing team, and the season was over.

It was hard to believe that just a moment ago, their body was buzzing with anxiety, every sensation was cranked up to an eleven. Only for all that excitement collapsing inside their body, creating a black hole within their heart, numbing them to the result of the game in front of them.

All of that emotional investment just to get the same result. They felt silly for letting themselves dream, believe, with nothing to prove their faith. Everyone around them had been right, but they insisted on their foolish delusion, stubborn to the very end for this hockey team that has brought them nothing but pain.

Darlin’ had always preferred the painful route, embodying the sentiment that ‘love is pain’. It just so happened that it applied to more than the people in their life.

Their legs lost all their strength, causing them to fall backwards onto the couch. Their eyes stayed glued to the screen, ears ringing louder than any goal horn they’d heard in their life. Part of them wished they had never decided to care for this stupid team that only does stupid things and makes them cheer like a stupid idiot.

Ok, maybe this seems like an exaggerated reaction to a hockey team losing a game, but truly, this is how Darlin’ felt at this moment.

And Sam knew it.

They barely registered the soft blanket wrapping around their shoulders, but the warmth helped ground them a little bit. Sam always knew how to bring them out of their daze, with gentle pressure and plenty of space. Always giving them the choice of when to ask for help, a choice they’ve found themselves making more often.

They heard the faint clink of a plate on the coffee table in front of them. But what had knocked them out of their trance was Sam finally turning off the damn TV. It didn’t stop the goal horn from ringing in their ears, but at least they didn’t have to see that fucking rat’s shit-eating grin again. Who the fuck does he think he is? Fuck that guy, fuck that team, fuck everything-

They blinked repeatedly, feeling Sam’s hand playing with their hair. “I can feel your rage from here,” he chuckled. “Can’t imagine what you’re plannin’ to do to the other team in that pretty brain of yours.” Slowly, he shifted his arm to wrap around their shoulder to pull them closer to his chest. The tension that built up in their forehead had finally gone away when they heard his heartbeat. “Knowin’ you, you’re plannin’ something nefarious.”

“...I know where they’re stayin’,” they mumbled, nuzzling their face deeper into Sam’s chest. “That’s all I’ll say about that.”

He kissed their hair line and pulled them closer. “For the record, I will not be an accessory to your murderous rampage.” The small smile on their face prompted him to continue. “But I promise I won’t tell no one about your little scheme.” Leave it to Sam to make them smile when all they want to do is curl under a blanket and bleach the game from their mind.

They huffed in his chest. “I appreciate you not snitchin’ on me, but come on? You ain’t gonna help your mate with the body? Fake ass bitch.” Darlin’ let out a quiet giggle. Seeing the southern man deadpan at them is a surefire way to make them smile.

He pinched their nose and scoffed, “forgive me if I don’t want to see my mate in jail because a hockey team decided to beat your team.”

They pout at his statement, not appreciating the blunt tone he used. Come to think of it, when he puts it like that, their reaction to the ending of this game seems ridiculous. Wanting to kill grown men for doing their job? Because they just happen to beat their team? They’re a grown adult damn it! They’re better than being emotional over a team!

Sam flicked their forehead, knocking them out of their spiral. He pulled his wolf closer to him, letting their head rest on his shoulder. “No self-deprecatin’ spiral for you, Darlin’. You’re allowed to feel shitty over a game.” He continued to pet their hair, content with sitting in silence until they were ready to speak.

Darlin’ kissed his cheek and sighed. “I know, I know, I’m valid with my feelins’, it’s just…” They trailed off, biting their bottom lip while trying to articulate their thoughts into words. If only incoherent screaming was enough for Sam to understand their emotions. “When I say this team has sucked for my entire life… there hasn’t been a year where shit has gone right for us.”

Their vision blurred as they continued. “And I’m so fuckin’ tired of- of having hope that things will end different and then they never do!” The more words that poured out of them, the more anger bled into their voice. “It’s like, come on! They’ve had decades and so many different fuckin’ players and management to get their shit together and they never do! How much longer do they think people are gonna blindly follow them until…” A sob crept up their throat. “...Until we all decide to just… not care.”

They sighed in frustration. “I know it’s so stupid to fuckin’ care about a stupid team this much… I don’t know… They were the only good thing from my childhood.” Darlin’ chuckled at their last statement. “God, how has mt life been if this fuckin’ team was the best part?”

He rubbed their arm to comfort them. “Well on the bright side, it led you to my arms, so could it have been that bad?” Darlin’ pinched his chest, but that only caused their vampire to laugh harder. “Am I wrong, Darlin’? You seem to be enjoyin’ my arms a little too much,” he teased, acting as if it was a complaint against them. They both knew that Sam would rather die again than see his wolf in another person’s arms.

He held their face in his hands. Sam knew every little habit and quirk that Darlin’ had, and he knew that they wouldn’t look him in the eyes whenever they got emotional like this. “Darlin’, I need you to look at me please.”

They did as he asked them to, lifting their gaze and getting lost in his silver eyes. He kissed their forehead, whispering a soft ‘thank you’ against their skin. They don’t know if he’ll ever understand how fucking terrifying it was to have someone know them so well. But they wouldn’t trade that blissful feeling for anything else.

“It’s not stupid to care about this team, Darlin’. They were a huge part of your best memories as a kid. And maybe you will get tired of them one day and it will suck. But there’s no shame in lovin’ unconditionally.”

Darlin’s vision blurred again and cleared their throat to stop themselves from sobbing. “Even if they hurt me over and over again?”

Sam smirked, “well if they hurt you again, I’ll have to pay a visit down to their office and make sure they win.” Darlin’ scoffed at his cockiness but didn’t stop him from continuing. “‘Sides, like you always say.”

“Oh God, don’t say it-”

“There’s always next year.”

“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.”

#redacted asmr #redacted audio #redacted fanfic #redacted darlin #redacted sam #be a leafs fan they said #itll be great they said #so rude that i dont have sam with me this year #this is year will be torture #zo writes tingz #this is zo speaking

[beenjen]

We don’t have the first Christmas decoration out, it’s been raining all week, and I actually ran out of gas pulling into a gas station and had to get out and PUSH MY CAR to the pump. So, that’s how it’s going.

I’ve been on a mission to do small daily things for myself; move my body at least 20 minutes a day, eat healthfully, drink ample water, and it’s been an improvement. Yoga guys, it’s my sanity at this point. I’ve been slanging the mantra ‘yoga every damn day’ and I think it’s working.

L is in the stage I lovingly call ‘stage 1 clinger.’ While it’s cute getting all the pats, snuggles, hugs and kisses, it’s also enjoyable to be able to swap a load of laundry over without a meltdown that I’ve somehow moved out - what is this separation anxiety all the sudden?!?! It would be fabulous to be able to use the restroom solo for once, not turn around and accidentally knock out my 4 y/o with my arse, or God forbid sleep through the night. Alas, I’ve been told these are the ‘happiest days of my life,’ and I feel like a complete bitch when I want to reply, ‘where?’

It’s not that bad, seriously though, it is intense. It just is, and I can’t stomach those over eager preppy heifers who megawatt smile and act like they couldn’t identify in anyway that working full time, momming, marriage, keeping up a house, life in general, can be a struggle.

Moms case took a further downward turn this past week and we have a meeting this coming one for planning with the oncologist. I have been trying to brace myself over the past months/years, and no matter what, no matter when, I’m just not ready, and I won’t ever be, but not now. It’s just more than I can even imagine. Cancer is exhausting. The treatment is exhausting. Being a supportive caregiver is exhausting. It’s all exhausting.

I had picked ‘balance’ as my word for the year, and in September, I had to acknowledge there is no perfect balance, and perhaps the appropriate view would be finding harmony in the imbalance, because nothing is perfect, there is no pause button and waters going to roll downhill no matter what toxic positivity spin you try to put on it so just pull up your big girl panties and put one foot in front of the other ay?

J is doing great. C has insanity at his work right now, and it’s just a stage his site goes through gearing up for the holiday break. He’s in IT and that means he’s working when most people are off for thanksgiving or christmas, etc, to get the updates pushed out when most people are offline.

I bought some new plants.

I’ve been eating my veggies.

I’ve been washing my face.

Love you guys.

Find harmony in the imbalance xx

#stage 1 clinger #east nashville #eat your veggies #wash your face #drink your water

[you-have-been-frizzled]

fine i'll tell you why i'm still up.

so as you recall i may have told you, someone told me that absolutely no one can stand me, everyone finds me annoying, and everyone hates me. I know her irl, and this goes against everything my friends have told me, what I've told myself, and, hell, what tests have told me. What she said haunts me and haunts me, and I'm not sure what to do or who to believe.

She said this after riding in my car, and getting sick. Why? She wanted to avoid the cold, which would get her sick.

I've also been dealing with really thoughts lately, and I wanted to tell her this didn't help my mental state, but she'd say I'm "playing the victim," which she did tell me in that conversation.

I just don't feel like there's anything good about me after that interaction, what do I do?

*hugs*

first of all that person is a really crappy friend and person she was trying to make you feel guilty for feeling hurt for what she said, when you have every right to. those where horrible things to say, she said those things to hurt you and not because they where true.

as for your nasty thoughts that say everyone hates you, they’re not true your one of the most enjoyable people i know of. just ignoring or fighting with those thoughts is not going help what you fight grows - my therapist, and dwelling on them is really bad for your mental state.

a few things i’d suggest doing is

writing down those nasty thoughts about yourself and getting rid of them weather that be burning or tearing the paper up. getting the thoughts out of your head and onto paper is really helpful for me, because they’re no longer riding my brains anxiety tornado.

make a list of all the nice things people have said about you, keep going until you can’t think of anymore because i promise most of those people meant it

write at least 20 things you write about yourself (this is just something i’d suggest for any reason and it and be a really tiny thing)

when your brain goes your annoying and no one likes you, counter it by telling it the things people have said about, how they enjoy being around you, how they like you, it will be hard to believe at first but eventually you say it so much

i’m not going to pretend that this will immediately make you feel better but these are things that help me with my brain and the crappy stuff it says about me.

i really don’t know how to help with this person other than to tell you to cut her off (which unlike the rest of this list isn’t therapist approved) but that may not be the best option here because i don’t know the full story, but at least keep your distance.

i’d also suggest taking a shower or bath, eating a sweet treat, or watching some fun videos to get your mind off of it of this.

#i have a sleep playlist if you want it #it also helps with anxiety and stuff

[sendme-2hell]

Rating the Books I read after Gideon the Ninth (in order) by how well they made me forget my Gideon the Ninth angst

I starred the ones that I actually recommend if you want something similar to gtn.

I was bored so I made this. Mostly just so I can look back at this and laugh at myself in a few months and remember what I’ve read. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -

**Harrow the Ninth -Tamsyn Muir 

Summary: A depressed girl has to navigate murder attempts by both the mom and the dad of her dead ex-girlfriend who she can’t remember. She tries to make soup and writes fanfic to cope. 

How well it helped me forget: -100/10 but also 10/10 

Rating explanation: This one gets a 10/10 because it did make me feel better about a *particular* GTN plotpoint which I was very angsty about, but tragically it did make me more feral. After reading it I reread both books so I don’t think it helped me forget my angst. 

Similar themes to GTN: all of it, plus more memes 

I Want to Be Where The Normal People Are - Rachel Bloom 

Summary: Rachel Bloom who wrote the world’s most relatable song: “You Stupid Bitch,” and starred/created in Crazy Ex Girlfriend, writes about having anxiety, feeling like she’s not normal, and Harry Potter fanfic.

How well it helped me forget: 8/10

Rating explanation: For a few minutes I actually did forget about my griddlehark angst while I learned more about Bloom’s life and laughed at the painful relatability of it all. 

Similar themes to TLT: ummm depression, feeling very out of place, memes

Fingersmith - Sarah Waters

Summary: The book The Handmaiden was based on. A girl is sent to become a Lady’s handmaiden to con her out of some money. She falls in love. Many plot twists. 

How well it helped me forget: 5/10

Rating explanation: I was sadly still thinking about TLT the whole time I read this. I liked it but I actually like the Handmaiden better because the women spend more time together. Like in this book, I wish that Harrow and Gideon could spend more time together. 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, at some point you realize the main character’s love interest understands what’s going on way more than the main character

Kindred - Octavia Butler 

Summary: Very dark book about slave narratives. I cannot make a joke here, but this book is excellent. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10 

Rating explanation: Again, I can’t make a joke. But Octavia Butler is amazing. 

Ash - Malinda Lo 

Summary: A wlw retelling of Cinderella with fairies and an emphasis on stories 

How well it helped me forget:7/10

Rating explanation: This was really quick and fun and I definitely was rooting for the lesbians. Also it was nice it had a happy ending! If you liked Crier’s War (which I did), this was clearly an influence for Nina Varela. 

Similar themes: wlw, the magic one + the fighting one dynamic

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel

Summary: A deadly pandemic wipes out so many people that the world spins into chaos and no one can figure out how to use electricity apparently? But the book is really about fame and wanting to be remembered. Go figure.

How well it helped me forget: -10/10 

Rating explanation: Ok that’s not fair. It helped me forget about Gideon and Harrow but it did NOT help me forget about Corona. It was technically good and a lot of people I respect love it, but either because I was still thinking about TLT or because it was about a pandemic, I couldn’t really enjoy it. 

Similar themes: post-apocalyptic 

Red, White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston 

Summary: The Prince of England and The son of the president of the US are enemies. They are definitely enemies.

How well it helped me forget: 6/10

Rating explanation: This was such a fun read that it almost distracted me! Tragically I was in such TLT headspace that I kept pausing to read fanfics where Gideon and Harrow switch eyes. 

Similar themes: Enemies to lovers, queer

Troubling Love - Elena Ferrante 

Summary: In true Elena Ferrante fashion, an event spurs an Italian woman to do a lot of internal processing and have some flashbacks. 

How well it helped me forget: 7/10

Rating explanation: This book was a bit disturbing so it distracted me in that way. Plus I love Elena Ferrante’s writing so much that it felt like coming home to an old friend. Unfortunately for me, this is Elena Ferrante’s least queer book. I know because I have now read them all. Her most queer book, The Lying Life of Adults, would have distracted me better. Also just using this space to tell anyone who’s still reading this (probably no one) to go read My Brilliant Friend (and the corresponding Neopolitan Novels). They are not similar to TLT except they are vaguely queer and about competitive friendships where the girls are obsessed with each other in maybe an unhealthy way. Ok so a bit similar. Genuinely my favorite books ever. 

Similar themes: mommy issues, daddy issues, childhood trauma

On This Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous -Ocean Vuong

Summary: A Vietnamese immigrant reflects on his mother, grandmother, and his own life experience in the US. It is poetic and beautiful and will make you cry. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: This book is beautiful. It really changes how you think about the US. Plus really interesting stuff about the western way of telling stories. Cannot recommend it enough, though very little to do with TLT. 

Similar themes: queer, stuff about language, childhood trauma, you will cry

**The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon 

Summary: OK sorry none of those were good suggestions for what to read after GTN. THIS is what you should read after GTN. It is an incredibly slow burn wlw enemies to lovers. There are dragons, there is magic, there are very cool female characters who I am in love with. This is like Game of Thrones but if it was good, queer, and only one 800 page book. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: Enemies to lovers!!!! What more do I have to say? Also very cool world-building, interesting religious themes. 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, religious themes, magic, very old wizard milfs, also mlm

*The Traitor Baru Cormorant 

Summary: Baru is a very smart girl in a colonized island. She decides she will play the game of the colonizers, rise up in their society, and destroy them from within. How is that going, Baru? 

How well it helped me forget: 100/10

Rating explanation: This DID make me forget TLT. The only book to truly make me. It made me forget so badly that I wanted my Griddlehark angst BACK. GIVE ME IT BACK I don’t wanna feel sad about Baru anymore. I cannot recommend it more, it is so good, but it did make me ugly cry. It also made me majorly depressed about colonization and the state of the world. 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, ending will make you cry

*The Monster Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson 

Summary: Baru is depressed, has brain damage, throws up a lot, is sad about (redacted), does some things without remembering them because there’s something going on in her brain. Sound familiar? It’s kinda like Harrow the Ninth but more depressing. Oh also a lot of new characters are introduced, old characters come back, a lot of setup for the next book. Euler’s identity shows up out of nowhere?! 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: Again, it made me forget but only because I was so engrossed in this story. Also kinda depressed. This book is kinda depressing. But Baru is very fun to be around, and there are some other great characters. Marry me, Yawa. 

Similar themes: again, this is just harrow the ninth on steroids, I am in love with every single woman in this series

*The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson 

Summary: Baru makes a new bestie, reunites with an old bestie, and discovers a dead bestie in her brain!

How well it helped me forget: 1000/10

Rating explanation: I loved this book. There were a few scenes I reread >four times. This book makes the other books in the series worth it. 

Similar themes: please see my venn diagram comparing tlt, baru, and A memory called empire for more information

*The Ninth House - Leigh Bardugo 

Summary: A girl has seen ghosts her whole life and because of that, gets accepted at Yale even though she didn’t finish high school. Yale is like a hotspot for ghosts I guess. It’s dark academia, the girl has a secret, the narrator is pretty funny.

How well it helped me forget: 6/10

Rating explanation: I was trying to get distracted from TLT (and Baru at this point), but it’s hard to forget about Harrow and Gideon in a book called The Ninth House (hello?). It was enjoyable and there was some good humor. I’m curious about the next book in the series when it comes out. It is not wlw unless you squint (which I do). 

Similar themes: debatably wlw body posession, nine houses, the ninth one being important, nerd boy who reminds me of pal, woman is revealed to be MUCH older than I originally thought, soul eating, revenants, tombs, necromancy, character named Mercy

The Bone Season - Samantha Shannon 

Summary: It’s the future and London is a hotspot for clairvoyants. Paige is a woman who has a special gift and can jump into people’s bodies and possess them briefly (among other things, this is a terrible explanation). Because of this, she is sent to a secret part of the city where clairvoyants are trained to be monster fighters (but also like, kept there in captivity against their will). Unlike every other book on this list I honestly wouldn’t recommend. I know there are other books in the series. If you’ve read on and it gets better let me know. (I know no one has gotten this far reading this but still)

How well it helped me forget: 4/10

Rating explanation: This one was disappointing because I loved Priory of the Orange Tree so much. This book did not distract me from my griddlehark or barhu feels. There’s also a character named Warden so I thought about SexPal a lot. 

Similar themes: enemies to lovers, ghosts, possession, queer but only background characters 

****The Unspoken Name - A.K. Larkwood 

Summary: A girl is in an isolated cult that wants her to die as a sacrifice (sound familiar?). A definitely not evil wizard helps her escape. She meets a cute necromancer who’s also kinda from a cult. She goes on some gay adventures, gets the help of a morally grey older necromancer (who I’m in love with), and fights with her frenemy. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: This is the most similar to TLT on this list. Gideon and Csorwe would be friends. Seriously I recommend this! And the second book comes out soon! And it’s not sad like TLT or Baru! 

Similar themes: sword lesbian + necromancer dynamic, wlw enemies to lovers, cults, tombs, necromancy, character named “the sleeper”, also mlm

The Invisible Life of Addie Larue - V. E. Schwab 

Summary: Adeline Larue made a deal with a demon in 1714 France, because she wanted to see the world and stuff. It backfires of course. She is immortal but no one remembers her. This causes all sorts of problems and makes her very angsty. The narrative flashes between her going through the years, and her falling in love with the only person who will remember her. 

How well it helped me forget: 2/10

Rating explanation: I know people loved this book but I did not. I liked the last 50 pages, I’ll give it that. I wish it was more queer (it was a little queer). 

Similar themes: as I said, a little wlw, immortality, demons, I guess falling in love with someone and them not remembering you now that I think about it 

Sula - Toni Morrison 

Summary: A story about two black women in the 1920’s-1960’s in an Ohio town. It is really great and interesting. It is a book about complicated female friendships (among so many other things that better writers not writing a list no one will read about their TLT feels have outlined) which I love. I was told I should read this after the Neapolitan Novels by Elena Ferrante and it did not disappoint. Same vibes. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: This was just a great book. Has really nothing to do with TLT

Similar themes: debatably queer 

*Murderbot Diaries: All Systems Red, Artificial Condition, Rogue Protocol, Exit Strategy, Network Effect,  - Martha Wells

Summary: Muderbot is an artificial construct who just wants to be left alone to watch tv, damnit! It doesn’t want to interact with humans, and it definitely does not want to talk about feelings. Too bad some humans want to become friends with it.

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: These books were so good. They did help me forget! The books are really about having anxiety, making friends, and letting yourself have feelings. Also they are SO FUNNY. Highly recommend. In the way that I love Gideon’s POV, I love Murderbot’s POV

Similar themes: funny narrator, queer characters, space, people who don’t want to deal with their feelings being forced to deal with their feelings

*A Memory Called Empire - Arkady Martine 

Summary: Mahit is sent a dangerous, evil empire to be an ambassador. Lots of beautiful writing about colonialism, assimilation, language, and culture.There is gay angst and funny characters. I am once again in love with a morally grey older woman character. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: Yes this book is great and did distract me from gtn (mostly. I did end up reading a great fanfic about wake, g1deon, and pyrrah in the middle but otherwise...). It is part of my holy trilogy of wlw books (this, baru, tlt) that I just read recently. The next book comes out on March 2nd so it will be a good distraction from waiting for Alecto. Like Baru, it made me feel like shit about colonialism but unlike the other two books in my trilogy (redacted but if you’ve read those books you know) didn’t happen. It had a not too sad ending. 

Similar themes: see my venn diagram, but seriously what is going on with brain surgery in these books...

*The Luminous Dead - Cailtin Starling 9/10

Summary: A woman needs money and to get the money she goes on a risky cave dive. It turns out the only contact she has with the rest of the world is a woman who’s kinda a dick. It’s 400 pages of creepy cave diving and these two women talking to each other. It’s creepy and uncomfortable and I loved it. I did spend the whole book thinking it would be such a good story podcast.

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: It did make me forget about tlt! There are some kinda boring parts but it pays off. The relationship between the two main characters is very interesting (though a bit fucked up). 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, traumatised characters, shitty moms

#book recs #harrow the ninth #gideon the ninth #tlt #the locked tomb trilogy #fingersmith #the priory of the orange tree #the traitor baru cormorant #Baru cormorant #the monster baru cormorant #the tyrant baru cormorant #the murderbot diaries #murderbot #the ninth house #both ninth houses tbh #the unspoken name #a memory called empire #the luminous dead #no one will read this but it is for me! #my rankings

[henyangwrites]

Our Love Story | w. yk

Pairing : Lucas x Reader

Genre : Fluff, a bit of angst?

Word count : 3k+

Warning : none, too much fluff if you squint

⋆┈┈｡ﾟ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ❁ུ۪ ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ﾟ｡┈┈⋆     ⋆┈┈｡ﾟ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ❁ུ۪ ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ﾟ｡┈┈⋆

I never thought that I'd come to this point, I never thought that I'll ever change my mind about getting married, let alone be with a guy for a long time. I never believe in fate, or destiny, or stuff of some sort but the gods must have their own way to change my mind.

Meeting Lucas wasn't really expected, we met each other at a party because our common friend, Ten, introduced us to each other. Cliché, I thought. We hung out throughout the remainder of our college days, we enjoyed each other's company with or without our other friends. They often teased us that we'll eventually end up together, but we shrugged and laughed it off. 

When we graduated, we separated ways as we all have started our own jobs, some even had to move places. It took a lot of adjustments, sleepless nights, crying, and breakdowns until I finally got the hang of it. I eventually left my first job after a few months, it wasn't working well for me, it felt like I was being held back from growing. I was lucky enough to find a job at a well-known company after a few months of searching, there, I found joy in my work. I felt more free, growth is always an option which of course, I keep on choosing. As a token of appreciation for my own hard work, I took a one week leave to have a vacation.

I was enjoying my time at the resort that I've decided to go to, it wasn't until my second day there that I happened to bump into Lucas who I soon found out was the general manager. We were happy to see each other, of course, since we lost contact when we separated ways in college as we both got caught up with work and personal life.

"You don't need to, Lucas." I declined his offer that he'll pay for all expenses I'll consume while staying, "I insist." "Lucas." He pouted when I sternly uttered his name, "Okay, I'll just give you a discount." "Okay." For the next days that I've spent there, Lucas often comes to check up on me, making sure that I was enjoying my time, even accompany me after his work hours. He doesn't change at all, physically he does, but he was the same bubbly, passionate, and caring guy that I met back in college. Running out of energy doesn't seem a part of his vocabulary, he's also still sweet as ever. On the last day, which was also his rest day, he offered me a ride to my apartment so I accepted.

For the next few months, we meet up together to hang out, even meeting up with our other friends when we have the chance. It's like it has became a constant thing for us to meet every weekend to relax, to go for a long drive and return to the city the next day. Or if we're feeling lazy, we're just gonna spend time at each other's apartments and wasting time watching movies or trying cooking different dishes. It felt like we were back to being those clueless college students, those young adults who were in the state of confusion between enjoying their youth or starting to prepare for the responsibilities that's waiting for us in the real world. It was one of those weekends where we're awake at 2AM, a random love song blasting through the speakers, loud enough for the both of us to hear without disturbing the neighbors. Lucas stood up laughing and pulled me along, his arms wrapping around my waist so I wrapped my arms around his neck. 

"Can I be honest with you?" He asked as we start swaying, I chuckled, "You're always honest with me, Yukhei." I answered, making him laugh lightly then licks his lips. "Well, there are things that I wasn't able to tell you…" I raised my eyebrows at him, thinking that he's not obligated to tell me everything. "The truth is…." He looked away for a moment as he cleared his throat, then, made eye contact with me after. His stare was intense, it felt like he's staring into my soul. "I'm in love with you." I felt my breath hitched, my heart beating faster than the times I have to present to the big boss of our company and the investors. "I know I shouldn't but…. I just can't help it, I thought it's just  a silly puppy love back in college but when I saw you again I just…. I just want to do everything to make you mine." A sigh escaped his lips, "but you don't have to love me back, I'm not asking you to. I just can't hold it back anymore."

"Lucas…." I don't know what to say, I was overwhelmed but I know I feel the same way, too, but my mind started to be filled with what ifs – what if it doesn't work out? What if we just end up hurting each other? What if he wants to get married when I don't want to? What if I end up breaking his heart? "It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I'm sorry for making things awkward–" "I love you too." I blurted out, fuck those what ifs, I thought, it's Lucas; every risk is worth it if it's him. "I told you–" I cut him off with a kiss, I closed my eyes when I felt him pull me closer to him as he deepened the kiss.

Just as expected, there's never a dull moment in our relationship as Lucas always had something up his sleeves. When we're not together, he often sends me messages to remind me to eat on time, to check whether I made it home safely, he even picks me up sometimes without telling me beforehand. He never made me feel like he's holding me back from growing, when I tell him that I need time for myself, he won't disturb me at all, just leaving a few text messages and just waits for me to text him again. He was patient, too understanding, it made me doubt myself – do I deserve him?

Two years into the relationship and it's like we're stronger than ever, a few petty fights now and then but it was immediately resolved, after all, he always finds a way to talk me out of it. We never really had a serious fight until the mention of marriage was brought up – he was ready to settle down, I wasn't yet. I was scared, the thought of marriage doesn't sit well with me, after witnessing how it ended up with the people around me, it made me doubt whether I could handle it if our marriage ends up that way. 

We didn't talk to each other for weeks, giving each other space to think about it. Anxiety got into me, what if he leaves me? What if he decides to just find somebody else who wants to get married as much as he does? It's not that I don't want to, I'm just scared. But it's Lucas. It's him, the man who has so much love to give, the man who puts up with me even at the times that I was hard to understand, the man who was patient enough to deal with me when I snap at him when I'm frustrated, the man who always root for me when I decide to try something new, the one who cheers me up when I'm at my lowest, the one who chooses me over anything anytime. He'll change, the other part of me thought, but fuck it, it's Lucas, there's no reason to doubt him.

When I made up my mind, I let a few more days to pass to make sure that I'll not change my decision before sending him a text. It's Friday so Lucas came as soon as he's done with his shift, it was awkward while we're eating dinner, after all, we didn't talked for weeks. "Uh…. what is it that you want to talk about?" He asked when I took the space next to him on the couch, it felt like there was a lump in my throat. "Uh…" I cleared my throat and turned my body to face him and he does the same, looking at me intently as he waits for me to continue. "About the wedding…" it was his turn to clear his throat, he must be nervous, thinking that I might break up with him as he knows why I don't like the thought of being married. "What about it?" "Lucas…. let's do it, let's get married." His eyes widened at my words, clearly shocked. "W-What?" "I said let's get married?" I repeated, "What? Why? If you're pressured or anything, don't make rash decisions, you don't need to. It's okay with me if you don't want to get married…" He said, sadness was evident in his voice, making me sigh and move closer to him and put my hands on the sides of his face, my thumbs are caressing his cheeks. "I do want to get married, I know I'm scared but it's you, Lucas, there's no reason to be scared, right?" His eyes softened and a smile appeared on his lips, "Are you sure?" He asked, I smiled at him and nodded. Then, he takes out something from his pocket and it was a velvet ring box. Lucas takes my hand and puts it on my ring finger, then looks at me again and said, "I'll never make you regret your decision."

Time flies, the preparations were stressful but fun, our families seem like they're more excited than us. Our college friends showered us with an endless amount of teasing, saying that we should've believed their words. During the last week before our wedding, we were too busy to see each other, our families didn't even let us see each other the night before the wedding day, a belief of some sort.

And there was it, the wedding program at the church ended before our eyes after exchanging vows, and of course, the reception was a whole different story. Laughter and tears filled the program as our parents gave their speech, telling our embarrassing stories, giving us advice, telling us how scary marriage is but we can work it out. Even our closest friends gave their own speech, which made the reception much more enjoyable with our college stories. Just when I thought it was done, the host, our friend Johnny, suddenly called him. 

"So Lucas, I heard you have a surprise for your bride?" Johnny asked, Lucas laughed and nodded, taking out a paper from the pocket of his suit. "Ah yes, I hope everyone is still awake for another round of speech." And everyone erupted into laughter, Johnny left him to give him his spotlight. I couldn't leave my eyes off of him, just what does he has in sleeves this time?

"So uh, love, hello." He started, "Oh wow, I never thought it would be this hard to give a speech in your own wedding." He joked, making me laugh, "There you go, don't be too nervous, it's not like I'm gonna expose you or something, or maybe I will?" He joked again, making me jokingly roll my eyes at him. "It's been what? 7 years? Yeah, 7 years since we first met each other at the party Ten held. Cliché, that's what you told me two years ago when we decided to date each other, the way we met. At first, it was just pure friendship for us, right? We hang out, study together, but do we, really?" Everyone laughs at his joke, "No I'm kidding, she's very studious, she doesn't like being disturbed back then, right?" He said and pretended to hand me the mic so I just nodded. "I've seen her more than a handful of times breaking down back then because of the deadlines, whenever I receive a text from her asking me if I want to go to get some ice cream, I just know she's stressed out. But I admire how she managed to finish every one of it few days before the deadline, and at the end, the lowest she got was like 96? As far as I could remember." My heart felt so warm, he always remembers the smallest details. "Our friends always tease us, saying that we should just date each other, it was a joke at first, but then I realized…. I was having a crush on her, I was able to realize it when we took a late night drive to the beach. Again, this is a cliché love story." He stopped for a moment then licked his lips, "while we're sitting on the sand and I turn my head to look at her while her eyes are closed, I felt peace, contentment." 

"But I never made a move at her, we still remained buddies that got each other when we're down or not. I thought it's just silly, little puppy love, but when graduation day came, it felt bittersweet knowing that we might never see each other again." "Boo!" Our friends jokingly whined at him, "I did wait for her to message me again after graduating, but we're adults, we have our own stuff to deal with so eventually, I just shrugged it off and just let life be. If we're meant to be together, then fate will do something. So I guess you're all curious how we met again?" He asked, and they answered yes in unison, making him grin. "So, you all know that I'm working at a resort, and she happened to be there for a one week vacation, and we happened to bump to each other while she was looking for the bar." "She's such an alcoholic." I heard my dad said which made the people laugh again. "Since then, we started hanging out again during weekends just like the old days until one night, I couldn't take it anymore and just confessed."

"Our relationship was fun, a healthy one they said, but you know what tested us? Marriage." Lucas stopped and nodded, "Yes, marriage. It's supposed to be a fun topic for couples, right? Well, not for her, at least. You see, my lovely wife here is scared of marriage due to reasons I can't disclose." He chuckled, "I don't know what changed her mind, but I'm glad she did, but even if she didn't, I'll still stay with her nonetheless." He looked at me then smiled sweetly, "then and there, I proposed to her and promised that I won't make her regret her decision." At that moment, I started tearing up. "I know I may not be the perfect boyfriend, or husband, but for her, I'll do everything I can just so she wouldn't get hurt, let alone get bitten by a mosquito." He joked once again, "She's always been the confident and independent one, there are days that we don't talk to each other because she needed her space and I was like okay, I needed mine too, like we're not really all over each other. And that's what I love about her, she doesn't need to talk to me everyday just so she could say that I love her, she doesn't ask for anything at all so I'm just yeah, fuck it, I'm just gonna surprise her." He chuckles, "She's really stubborn, like if I said I'm gonna pay for our dinner, she'll say she's gonna pay for hers, since then, I started paying in secret before we eat just so she couldn't do anything about it." 

"She's not the showy type, a total opposite of me, she barely posts anything about us, but I never once doubt that because that's just how she is – she likes keeping things private, we go on a date? Okay, one picture, we go for a vacation? Okay, a few of it and then that's just it." I laugh at his description because that's how I really am, "And most of all, she's fragile, I had to learn that the hard way. She's strong yet so fragile, but she can't show it, so I had to teach her that it's okay to be fragile sometimes, she has me, she can vent to me anytime of the day, she can cry in my arms when she's tired." I didn't notice that I was crying until he walks towards me and wipes my tears, "Wait. I'm not done yet." He joked, making me laugh a bit, "Nah, I'm kidding. I already told you everything that I want to, I just need to say this one." He steps back and looks at his parents, "Ma, Pa, I want to thank you for raising me to be a man I am today. For constantly guiding me, for reminding me to always be kind to everyone, that it's okay to give more than to receive." Then he faces my parents, "And Mom, Dad, thank you for giving birth to this lovely lady right here." He said and pats my head, "And for giving your blessings to us, for entrusting her to me. I won't promise that we'll have a perfect marriage, but we'll do our best to keep our love strong." Then he turns to me, reaching out for my hand as he looks at me with the most loving expression in his eyes. "And to my lovely wife, I love you, today, tomorrow, and for the days to come, I will love you. You're the best one the gods have blessed me with, so no matter what problems we'll face, through good times or bad times, in sickness and in health, I will be with you. I thank the gods for giving me the chance to be yours in this lifetime, and I hope for the next lifetime we'll have, you will find your way back into my arms again."

#nct imagines #nct reactions #nct scenarios #nct dream imagines #nct fluff #wayv fluff #wayv imagines #wayv scenarios #wayv reactions #lucas scenarios #lucas imagines #lucas reaction #lucas x reader

[dailydnp]

Daniel Howell on Depression and How to Get Through The Night

Daniel Howell is the YouTube star breaking boundaries about depression, who has now released a book to help people with mental health issues.

Daniel Howell is one of the most popular YouTubers out there, with millions of followers and a refreshing line in self-deprecating humour that has made him stood out from much of the braggadocio on that channel. He is also someone who dared to go beyond the jokes and gaming on his channel to reveal his battles with depression to his young audience a few years ago, producing a huge response from people. Now he has written a book about mental health, called ‘You Will Get Through This Night’. A mix of information, advice and laughs, the book is a welcome addition to the elevation of mental health as a national issue, and it manages to be so in a way that is going to connect brilliantly with young people. We grabbed a word with Daniel over Zoom to find out more about it…

When did you decided to write the book and what was the process like?

It was a very serendipitous journey I never planned. All this talking about myself and mental health, and sharing these quite intimate details about my own life, was never the plan. I started my career trying to be funny, just being a clown on the internet, but as time went on two things happened: one, a sense of responsibility creeping up on me where I realised anyone with a platform has an impact on people, and even if you think you’re just being funny, if you do share yourself, people relate to you and you end up resonating with them on some level.

Also just for me, I have always been so career focused, I’m one of those guys that pushes their well being to the back, and after years of me doing that it just got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore. It was not only affecting my ability to be good at my job, and be friends with people and nice to be around, but creatively it was this real hump where I felt like if I don’t sort my life out, and get on top of these problems that I know are lurking behind me, I’m not going to be able to go forwards.

It was that which led me to talk about my experiences with depression in that YouTube video ‘Daniel and Depression’ that I uploaded in 2017, and that was a huge moment for me. Even five years ago, there was such a taboo around mental health. These days people go, ‘ aren’t we all open about mental health now?’ but just five years ago, it was a completely different world. I thought me bringing up a word like depression would destroy my career. ‘Are people not going to want to work with me? Are my friends going to think I’m strange?’

But I was honestly surprised, for the first time in my life, by the reaction I got from humanity. Because my upbringing led me to being very cynical, to be very defensive and to protect my vulnerability. Actually when I shared something that was so raw, people appreciated it. On some level people were like, wow you articulating it made me understand something I didn’t get about myself, or my mum’s been through this and I finally get it, or now I know what my friends are going through.

When you open yourself up, despite the fear, people appreciate it because this is how people think and feel. We’re all vulnerable, we’re all trying to protect ourselves, we’re all putting on this front, focusing on our careers, pushing everything to the background; but then it’s a truth that when you open up about how you really feel, not only is that a weight lifted for you but it lets other people in.

Then I became the mental health guy. I didn’t ask for it, it became my thing.

The book always had the question of what it might be. People always want to write their life stories, but firstly my entire life story is already out there on the internet, it was there in real time. I thought if I’m going to do this, I want to do a mental health book that just gets straight to the point, it’s not going to be too scientific, it’s not going to be too spiritual or flowery, it’s going to give you the information you need, the tools, the tips, the life hacks, the stuff that science has shown will make a difference, as bare as we can, in bullet point form. And then my job is to make it stupid and funny by using myself as a punching bag doing everything wrong in terms of managing your mental health. For me it’s the book I wish I had five, ten years ago.

Was putting it together enjoyable, once you’d given yourself permission to have fun with it?

Yeah writing a book and collating all these life saving tips on mental health, was good for me. The process of writing the book was like reading it. I needed the experience of putting it together so I could learn from it myself.

What I’ve learnt from just being funny is it’s a bit of an excuse to give yourself therapy. You’ve set yourself the task of telling this story, making this point or joke about something, and in the process of trying to find out whatever this point or joke you’re making, there’s a bit of a moment of self reflection in there.

So it’s fun to have an excuse to tell a story and be funny but for me it’s been emotionally cathartic too.

What are the main things you learned or that even changed you?

One thing was the 360 around your lifestyle. The book is structured practically into 3 parts. The first part is what are things you can do right now to change the way you feel, the second is lifestyle, what changes can you make, and then the third part is looking deeper, at more long term things about readjusting your mindset and working out what makes you as a person.

The process of going through the lifestyle for me felt a bit like a roast. Things like the importance of your social life, the importance of your nutrition, the importance of how often you move, and it was very difficult to be aware of what might just be my personality and preference. I’m an introvert, I’m a bit of a nerd, I like to stay inside, I don’t like to party a lot, and I just learned that if you don’t go jogging you’re going to have more anxiety than someone who doesn’t. It was good to have all that shown up.

A nugget that was quite profound is that you can always change the way that you feel. I was always having days where I was really stressed from what I was working on, or a period where I’d be really depressed, and sometime I would wake up and immediately know I’m not having a good mental health day. When I’m not going to be able to perform, I’m not going to be a very helpful friend. I just used to say to myself ‘this day is a write off’. But what I learned from this book is you can change how you feel by doing something. Your activity directly influences how you feel.

It got rid of the excuses because sometimes it was like, ‘I’m having a bad day I simply cannot do that task’  when you probably can. It’s empowering for yourself to say, ‘Actually if I eat something, if I get a change of scenery, if I talk to someone, if I problem solve to question my thoughts and readjust my mindset, you can change how you think and feel on any day.

With mental health so many people ego through their life thinking it’s this weird mysterious fog that they can’t impact on. Sometimes you feel bad and there’s nothing you can do about it. But actually we’re just weird hairless apes, we’re not that complicated, and there are little things we can do to snap ourselves out of it.

How do you think it’ll fit into the current times?

The idea that this book is coming out when our society is opening up again is almost a divine intervention! There is literally no better time to sort your life out. We’ve all gone through so much, this collective trauma, and the dent to our lifestyles and ability to self-care. Not only have we had all the joy ripped away from us, but people haven’t been able to go to the gym, to get support from friends, and this is a new chapter for everybody.

I’m seeing it as: can take this next step and not fall back into bad habits? This is a good time to put a pole in the ground and move forward in a good direction.

What are the key things you’ll be taking forward?

It’s not just the lifestyle stuff, it’s also about mindset changes. I’m a worrier, one of these people that thinks myself into oblivion. It means I’m analytical but I’m not very present, I spend a lot of time in my head prophesising my own doom. One of the things in the book is realising that you are not your thoughts. If you get a negative thought in your head actually that’s just your brain’s suggestion that you should feel stress about this, that and the other but we don’t have to stay fixated on these worries.

I’ve spent the last ten years in therapy, deeply going into myself asking questions about authenticity, confronting my sexuality, but also it’s been about just day-to-day having a better relationship with my own mind. That when I get these emotions that want to spiral into a panic, or make me feel very stressed, just to talk back to myself with the right attitude and say I don’t need to go down this rabbit hole due to this thought. I can just acknowledge it was an idea my brain had to think about and I can choose to do whatever I want with it. I can choose to solve the problem and break it down, I can ask for help I can give myself a reality check, or I can just acknowledge the thought and say ‘No thank you I’m going to do something else with my day.’

Back to the first depression video – are you aware of the difference between you then and now?

It’s profound, I would say me aged 26 was someone who didn’t question anything. You think you have a career priority and if I have any emotional baggage, it’s just not important right now.

Obviously there was the huge issue of my sexuality which had a huge impact on my mental health. My entire life story from childhood to how I was perceived as a public figure, how I operated day to day, and even my acceptance of a thing that I knew was true deep inside me, I had an incredibly toxic view of that at the time. I needed to understand it. I went to therapy and learned a lot about the way I would talk to myself, the way I would beat myself down and tell myself that things are the way they are and there’s nothing I can do about it. I should tolerate certain situations, and that was all wrong, so I’ve become much better at being fair to myself. Accepting my own vulnerability instead of building up a huge wall; letting it down, being honest with myself which is important if you ever want to change anything for the better. Also you get closer to other people when you feel like they can really see you.

How have conceptions of masculinity affected that?

The whole concept of masculinity was huge in my life. I had a very macho dad, he didn’t emote, he didn’t share anything, it was all jokes and all on the outside. I got to 16, 17, that age when you notice adults for the first time and cotton on to it. I could see the pain he was going through but he didn’t want to confront it. I also went to an all-boys school where there’s no vulnerability, you can’t give a small opening for someone to jab a compass in. That was the culture that shaped me. That continued into my late twenties when I had the moment when I realised being honest with yourself about something going wrong is bravery. It’s not weak to admit vulnerability if it’s going to help you grow. It’s not a sign of weakness to go to the uncomfortable place. Life is a series of uncomfortable obstacles that you put off, but every single time you go over them, you look back and go, ‘oh why did I waste so much time not doing that sooner?’

Is masculinity shifting do you think?

Definitely, roles in society have been so Neanderthal. If you have a personality with a stiff upper lip and it works, good for you, but someone else may feel pressured to hold things in and eventually they’re going to crack. It’s ok to ask for help and to let go of that, that’s what we’re learning in society. Conversations in mental health are so much more normal. There’s a long way to go in terms of judgment and misunderstandings, but I hope the book will spell it out for a lot of people. The book has been fact checked by a psychological professional, Dr Heather Bolton and all of the advice in the book is from evidence based practices that have been shown to have a good effect. It’s not just a nice sounding idea. We all have that friend on Instagram who’s like, ‘Positivity! Yeah here we go!’ And you go, ‘Wow that image had great graphic design it must be true.’ No it isn’t. So we’re in an age of people opening up but there’s also a lot of nonsense on Facebook so when we’re thinking about how we feel and making changes to our lives, we need to trust the experts.

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

[nextqueue]

All An Act (part one)

Genre(s): romance, slow burn, angst, drama

Pairing: Ji Chang Wook x OC black female

Word Count: 3.2k

Summary: Aliah is a new foreign actress in South Korea who just got her first big break as a lead actress in a drama. Her co-lead is the ever amazing Ji Chang Wook whom she has always had a silly little crush on. 

[a/n]: I am not the best with summaries so please read and let me know what you think. (you can leave summary ideas also I don’t mind). The overwhelming lack of black writers and black characters in fanfics on this app is wild to me so I will only be writing from the angle of a black reader, if ya don’t like it I am 100% sure you can find plenty of stories to cater to your demographic here. All feedback is welcome! Hope you all are have a blessed day or night (depending on where you are from)! 

“Okay Aliah, we are going to go over the kiss scene now.” 

I feel my palms start to sweat and feel for one of my coping skills but find none because of the wardrobe. I start flicking my nails against each other to placate the need to chew on them. 

“Hey. There is no need to be so nervous. I got you.” his hands engulf my face and my heart rate picks up without my permission. This is not helping at all. I want him away from me, I need him away from me. I won’t be able to breathe if he is so close. I can’t think. 

The director yells action and I lose all my anxiety. 

He looks into my eyes willing me to understand what he is trying to convey. My eyes close on their own. The kiss was shy at first like how we discussed at the meeting then something snaps and we both seem to forget about acting. The way he pulls me to him makes me think he wants more so I give him more. I open my mouth to him and he happily dives in. His hands slide down my back and come to rest on my hips, pulling me flush against him. He is hard. I rub against him a little then pull away when a soft groan leaves his lips. I barely remember my next lines and everyone can see his internal struggle to remember his lines. 

He recites his lines perfectly after covering up his slip up by pretending he is short of breath, genius really. This is why he is one of the best actors in Korea and I aspire to be like him. 

The director yells cut and we both snap out of our stupor. I feel my face, willing it to cool down I remove myself from the set to catch my breath and process what just happened. I kissed Ji Chang Wook. The Ji Chang Wook. My hand finds its way to my lips of its own volition. Touching where his lips once laid. My makeup artist comes to touch up my makeup snapping me back to reality. 

“Hey. Calm down. It was just a kiss kiddo.” she rubs my arms lovingly.

“I know.”

“But?”

“But...it’s Ji Chang Wook. I have been a fan of his for years now and this all just seems so surreal.” I spread my legs to make it easier for her to reach my face. She is a tiny little thing, barely reaching my shoulder. 

“I understand that but you have to focus.” 

“Was it really that bad?”

“No, but I could tell you weren’t just acting because I am constantly in your face.” she looks me dead in my eyes, challenging me to say she is wrong. I can’t do anything but look away and blush.

The director calls us back for a few more takes of the scene, I can do nothing but try to still my heart for the rest of the evening. It seems like forever before the shooting is finally done and my lips, I know are completely swollen and raw from the intensity of the kisses. The director had us try at least fifteen different kisses from different angles. With each one Chang Wook was patient and gentle, always talking to me before and after and making sure to hold me gently in between. I couldn’t help but feel special. 

I’m not so dense that I would think he would catch feelings from a couple of kisses and touches. Packing my stuff up at the end of the shoot I try my best to keep the events of the day out of my mind. I don’t want to dream about him, tonight, I have managed not to so far and we have been filming for three months so far. Tonight is different though. I know I am going to, my emotions are too high and I was far too sensitive to his touches all day. The way his hands gripped my face each time like I was made of glass. The way he gazed into my eyes as if he was asking permission each time. As if he was trying to tell me something other than what the script was saying. The way his lips would brush against mine before claiming mine. The way it seemed like he was trying to brand the shape of his mouth onto mine. Wanting me to only know his lips, his shape, the feel of him, the taste.

I feel something cool touch the back of my neck making me jump and turn to face it. It is him. Standing there jacket and jeans on with a smile on his face, looking like the most perfect boyfriend. 

“Hey, you okay? I was calling your name.” I watch the way his lips form words partially because it’s a habit. After all, I’m hard of hearing, but mainly because I like looking at his mouth. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just deep in thought, I guess.” That wasn’t necessarily a lie.

“Mmm, okay. I was wondering...what you were doing after. Would you like to go get something to eat?”

I look around in bewilderment barely registering that he is addressing me. I search for my manager and best friend, seeing her across the set talking with the director. He follows my line of sight and looks back at me with a soft smile.

“If it is okay with your manager of course.” he concedes. 

“Oh...uh… it should be fine but let me text her.”

I watch for her reaction after I message her. She checks her phone briefly then looks over at me giving me a thumbs up. My phone pings, she is asking if I have my keys and if my phone is charged enough. I nod at her and she shoos me away after giving Wook a glare. He bows to her then turns back to me with a brilliant smile on his face.

“Great! Let’s go. I have somewhere I wanted to take you. I think you will like it.” 

He leads me outside the set to the parking lot where he guides me to a motorcycle. I almost missed the fact that he is talking to me about riding his bike because his hand is resting on my lower back and seems to be attempting to burn a hole through my clothes. 

“I hope you are okay with riding my bike.” 

“I am more than okay with it! I love motorcycles!” the smile that graces his face was everything I could have ever wanted. 

Grabbing the extra helmet from the back of his ride he turns to me looking expectantly at my hair. I quickly take my locs down from the complicated bun they are in and put them into a low ponytail. I missed one and he tucks it back in with the rest before sliding the helmet on my head. His fingers expertly clip the strap under my chin and tighten it. With each brush of his fingers against my skin, I feel my entire body heat up significantly.

“Comfortable?” I nod and give him a small smile. 

“Good. Do you know how to ride?” I nod again.

“Great.” he hops onto the beautiful beast of a vehicle and starts it. It sounds amazing and the excitement of riding finally hits me dispelling the nervousness of being with him a little. He looks back at me after he slips his helmet on, nodding towards the space behind him. I happily hop on and settle in behind his large form, finding the footrest easily. I grab onto the sides of his jacket but he has another idea. Grabbing my hands he wraps them around his torso making sure my palms are laid flat against his stomach. The nervousness settles back in tenfold, I tense up against my will. My thighs squeeze him and my hands subconsciously curl into his shirt. His stomach flexes and I swear I hear him chuckle a little.

Soon we pull out of the parking lot and begin flying down the highway back to Seoul. I relax some once we have been riding for a few minutes. The cool air feels good against my skin making the ride more enjoyable than stressful. I feel warm everywhere my body touches him and find myself drawing closer to him. My hands spread out over his stomach, I lay my chest to his back and rest my head against his broad shoulders. I feel safe.

Far too soon, we reach our destination. A little shop out of the way of the hustle and bustle of the city. He lets me dismount first then gets off to help me take my helmet off. He pulls my hair out of its hold and slips the tie around his wrist. He takes my helmet along with his into one hand then grabs my hand to lead me into the shop. The smell of beef and seafood hits me as soon as we cross the threshold. Wook calls out to someone for a table and they answer back telling us we can choose anywhere to sit. Clearly having been here before he leads me to a table in the corner of the shop a little way out of sight. Understandable, considering his fame. He makes sure I am seated comfortably at the little table before he seats himself and this warms my heart. 

I look everywhere but at him when he sits, yet I can feel his gaze heavy on my face. I am saved when this cute little old lady comes to give us the menus and hugs Wook tenderly. I can’t help but smile at the interaction. She scolds him for losing weight and not visiting often enough, then she turns to me.

“Now who is this beautiful woman?” she asks him while bowing to me. I shyly bow back as deep as I can from my seated position.

“This is my co-star in my new drama. Her name is Aliah.” for some reason my heart hurts a little at his explanation but it really shouldn’t because all he did was tell the truth.

“Pleased to meet you, Miss.” 

“Oh, you speak Korean well!” her praise is the standard for everyone that hears me speak the language so effortlessly.

“I approve. Treat him kindly please.” I bow again to her as she leaves, her words confusing me. 

“She is my grandmother’s best friend and like family.” Wook explains.

I nod in understanding then reach for a menu but his hand on top of mine stops me. Looking up at him I find he is watching me intently. 

“I can’t help but notice you don’t speak much around me. Why is that?” 

Of course, he noticed it. I don’t actively mean to do it’s just whenever he is close around me I clamp up. Honestly, I don’t know how I have been able to be around him every day and act with him. I just become a nervous anxious mess around him outside of acting. Acting is easy. Real-life isn’t.

I steel myself before looking into his eyes.

“You make me nervous.”

“I do?”

I nod my head. He still has his hand on top of mine.

“Oh, well I’m sorry. I don’t mean to. Is there anything I can do to help?” he removes his hand from mine and I desperately want it back.

“No. It’s really not you. I just…” I trail off realising what I was about to say. About to say I just like you is all.

“If it makes you feel any better you make me nervous as well. I don’t know what to do or say to get close to you and I just feel awkward. I asked you here so maybe I could do just that, get closer to you.” 

His rambling reveal shocks me. I would have never thought in a million years I could make him nervous. A giggle escapes me against my will and he looks up at me sharply.

“Sorry!” I clamp a hand over my mouth but the smile won’t leave my face.

“No, it’s fine.” his eyes seem to twinkle with mirth at my outburst.

“Should we order?” I nod enthusiastically. I ask him what he likes best here telling him I will eat whatever he orders since it is my first time. He orders a beef platter, seafood platter, a lunchbox, and a few bowls of rice for both of us. I am pleasantly surprised he ordered so much food but silently thank him nonetheless. I am starving after a whole day of filming and just snacking.

After our mutual admissions conversation began to flow easier. We talk about everything and anything. He shares stories about his family and I share mine. We laugh as he cooks the food over the grill for us. I tell him about my struggles coming to Korea as I pour Cola for the both of us. We continue chatting in between swallows of food until the subject of relationships comes up.

“So, do you have a boyfriend?” he asks the question so nonchalantly it irritates me a little. I would like there to be some sort of hesitation when asking. Looking him dead in the eyes I tell him no, I hope he understands the message behind my eyes. ‘No, I don’t have a boyfriend because I want you’.

“No? Why? Is there anyone you are interested in?” he is staring down at his rice, stabbing it and mixing it kind of roughly. His tone changed. At the end, it changed. I realise he is acting, something I have come to realise is not okay with me. Liars are my biggest pet peeve which is ironic considering my line of work now.

“Because I am picky I guess. I have someone in mind but I’m not sure he would feel the same way.” I decide to mess with him a little, if he can act so can I.

“Picky? What do you mean by that?” 

I set my utensils down giving him my whole attention.

“Well before I even came to Korea there was this idol I had always loved and respected from the time I was a little girl. You know Bang Yongguk?” he nods and sets his utensils down as well.

“It was him. For years he was my standard for men. His morals and the way he approached the world was so gentle and open. I fell for his character and personality rather than his looks.” 

“So is it him that you are interested in still?” I have his full attention now. It’s now or never Aliah.

“No, it’s not him, although I would love to meet him and speak to him at least once in my lifetime.”

“There is a new man.”

“Yes.” his eyes trace the lines on my face, his fingers tap a quiet rhythm into the table. His body is leaning towards mine. I am sure mine is doing the same.

“Who is this new man? Describe him to me.”

“I think you already know who he is.” I pick my utensils up and resume eating, breaking the spell we were in. He stares at me for a few moments before also finishing his food.

He calls for the cheque when we finish and I try to pay for my half of the food at least but he refuses, saying something about how when I am with him I will never have to pay for anything. He thanks the Granny then grabs our helmets making his way out of the shop. The Granny stops me before I can exit and pulls me down to her to whisper in my ear.

“He thinks highly of you. He has never once brought anyone here let alone a woman."

"How come?" her admission startles me.

"This is his safe spot. He comes here when he wants a home-cooked meal but isn't able to go home. I'm the closest thing to family he has in the city. He doesn't bring anyone here because he wants to keep his personal and family life completely separate from his line of work."

I slowly nod as she sends me off after dropping that bomb on me. It makes me view Wook in a completely different light once again. This is something that has been happening since the first day we met.

I know he comes from a single-parent family and is an only child. I am not surprised he turned out as well mannered and kind as he is after speaking with his mother once over a video call. The way he approaches people though is unique, he watches them first to see how they react to the environment then approaches them in a way that makes them comfortable. The first time we met he approached me with a smile on his face and kind words on his lips. He made me feel comfortable like I was part of the team. Anything I didn’t understand he was kind enough to translate. He was patient and quite understanding almost to the point where it became overwhelming, almost. He knew exactly when to back off and give me my space. 

The ride home was peaceful, so peaceful I fell asleep. Never in my life have I felt so safe with someone who was not my immediate family. 

“Aliah. Hey. Wake up beautiful.” 

I open my eyes to Chang Wook’s face inches from mine. He is holding me up in the seat of the bike. I rub the sleep from my eyes and smile at him. It’d be nice to wake up to his face every day. I caress his cheek taking in all of his features, the unevenness of his eyes, the slight crookedness in his jaw, the few blemishes he has are all that makes him so perfect to me. In my haze, the only thought running through my head is to kiss him. God, I want to kiss him so badly. 

“We are here.” I know he feels the shift in energy, the tension I created, so why isn’t he acting on it. 

He helps me off the bike and takes the helmet off then takes my hand, leading me inside the apartment complex. I don’t want him to go. That’s all I say to myself as we reach my door and I key in the code.

“Do you perhaps...want to come inside?” I shyly ask. I know hope is shining brightly in my eyes, I should feel embarrassed but I can’t bring myself to care enough to be. 

He hesitates, a war clearly raging within him.

“As much as I would love to, and trust me I want to so very badly, I don’t think I should.” he kisses my hands and bids me good night. I watch him until I can no longer see him down the hallway then I rush inside and run to my living room window. I catch the last glimpses of him as he exits the building, mounts his bike and rides away.

What was I thinking! Honestly, what was I planning to do after if he came in? Becky is asleep in her room, I vowed to wait until marriage, he doesn’t seem like the one-night stand type. Stupid, stupid, stupid, that’s what you are stupid. A dummy. What is this man doing to me?

#kdrama #kpop #fanfic #writing #ji chang wook #orginal character #blacklivesmatter #blackoc #black writers #blackhistory #we really need more poc writers here #ambw #blackwriter #representation matters #nextqueue #tumblr #tumblr writing community

[keeptheotherone]

Mecation: Day 1 

Thursday

I once read social media described as an indulgence of the fantasy that others are interested in the details of our lives. I’m indulging in that fantasy this week by blogging about my Mecation under the guise of travel blogging ;)

If you follow me in even the most casual way, you know I’m a nurse. While I’ve enjoyed the vast majority of my 23 years as such, I don’t recommend it during a pandemic. The last 18 months have been the second-worst mental health period of my life, demoted to that position not because of the mildness of my symptoms but simply because at 15 I didn’t have the experience or perspective to realize my life was not, in fact, ruined forever.

COVID increased my personal vulnerability as a high-risk patient and made my job immensely more difficult in countless ways both small and large, but the worst part of the pandemic for me (so far) is it took away all my coping mechanisms precisely when I needed them most. Massage, pedicures, dinner out with friends, travel ... all gone practically overnight. Pre-COVID I travelled all the time--home to my parents’, long weekends by myself (Mecation!), annual visits to BFFs, conferences, tourism, the beach, my birthday, writing trips, international trips ... I always had at least one trip in the works, usually one booked and one (or more!) in the planning stages. 

When COVID started, all my close friends and family except for two lived out of state. One of those two was out of town but close enough to get together, but the other was a few hours’ drive away. I’m single and live alone; it was the most isolated I’ve ever been in my whole life. 

With my bestest friends over 500 miles away, I still feel that way sometimes. I haven’t seen them in a year. If it weren’t for COVID, it would only be 7 or 8 months (I’ve gone every January or February since ... forever). Then again, if it weren’t for COVID, I wouldn’t have been there last September; one had been hospitalized and I needed to see she was all right with my own two eyeballs. I expect it will be at least another 7 or 8 months before we get together again, bringing the total to about 20 months. One year we saw each other 5 times in 9 months, our personal best since college. 

I was alone on Christmas. Oh, I’ve spent December 25th on my own before; I’m a nurse. I’ve worked the night of the 24th or the 25th (or both), or whatever combination that didn’t leave enough time off to drive home. But I’ve never spent the Christmas season without my parents. Sometimes the week before, sometimes the week after, sometimes at my place instead of home, but always together. But last Christmas COVID was raging, the vaccines had just come out but were only available to first responders (I got mine on the 23rd), and my elderly parents didn’t feel safe to travel. So I spent Christmas without family.

Travel was not just a break from my daily routine and the stress of nursing; in many ways, the biggest benefit travel made to my mental and emotional health was giving me something to look forward to.  Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and ohhh, I was so heartsick last year! Not being able to travel meant I couldn’t visit my best friends of almost 25 years (more than half my life!). Not being able to travel meant I couldn’t lean on my dad or be hugged by my mom. Not being able to travel--and not knowing when I could travel--left this gaping hole in my future, and I had nothing to fill it with. 

I tell you this not to throw a pity party but to explain the significance of the trip I’m on right now. It is only my third this year: my dad and I spent a week in the mountains in February (my depression and anxiety was so bad then that was treatment, not vacation), I took a friend to the beach over my birthday, and now I’m a couple hours from home at a nice spa hotel. (I’m not counting my nephew’s graduation, which was emotionally challenging for multiple reasons, or helping a friend move from Florida. Moving is never fun.)

I started planning this trip in the spring ... May, maybe? You know, after the vaccine rolled out to everyone and case counts were dropping and it looked like we were gonna lick this thing and have a quasi-normal summer by the Fourth of July (yes, I’m American. That date is a proper noun here.). I had switched jobs in November (don’t ask) and gone on mental health leave December 29th, so I felt I owed it to my unit to put in about six months of work before taking any significant time off, especially since I came back at 24 hours instead of 36. That meant September.

I knew what I wanted to do: 4 or 5 days at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. I’d been before and loved the freedom of not worrying about every little expenditure (what can I say, I’m cheap), and a few days of Vitamin Sea sounded perfect.

Then came Delta.

All right, maybe going out of the country isn’t the best idea, I thought. Don’t want to end up with expensive reservations and then your destination closes to Americans, or you make it to your chosen island but can’t get back home. But I didn’t want to fly (ugh, airports!), I didn’t want to drive (rest stops and restaurants and gas stations), and while I thought about taking the train, it didn’t seem much of an improvement (and maybe a downgrade) on flying.

Then a friend mentioned a sleeper car, and I thought yes! That could work! I’ve never been to New England, I want to go to Boston, that area of the country has low case rates and the highest vaccination rates, this has potential! 

Then I looked at the CDC map. There were only four states that didn’t have high transmission at that time (early August, I think; I’d had to wait for confirmation that my time off had been approved): Michigan, Rhode Island, Maine, and New Hampshire. All four had substantial rates of transmission. Hardly ideal, but one thing I’ve learned this year is sometimes you have to make compromises to protect your mental health. It is true it doesn’t matter if you’re happy if you’re dead; it is also true it doesn’t matter if you’re safe if you want to kill yourself. (I’m not suicidal, I am receiving treatment, don’t anybody panic.)

So, now I’ve settled on Maine or New Hampshire by train via sleeper car (Michigan is too far for a 4-5 day trip and RI--meh). Well, as I got deeper into planning, turned out Maine or NH were awfully far too. Far enough I would have to overnight in a major city, which pretty much defeated the purpose of isolating in a sleeper car. Then I found out there were no sleeper cars on either train route.

So, now vacation is 5 weeks away and I’m back at square one. The Deep South, Texas, and Florida are imploding. Pediatric cases are rising--kids are sicker and make up a higher percentage of cases than they did last year. Scuttlebutt from my ICU colleagues is it’s bad--17/30 MICU beds are COVID and they’re all vented. SICU is being nicknamed “the ECMO unit.” The hospital has 18(!) ECMO machines and 12 are in use; the float nurse who tells us that didn’t even know we had 12 because she’s never seen that many in use at one time. Hospital-wide our numbers are equivalent to early February (we peaked in January). There were six--SIX--pediatric rapid responses in one day. 

And I’m going to travel.

It’s a big deal ... a big accomplishment, really, because of what it says about how I’m successfully managing my anxiety. April 1 was the first time I’d been inside a grocery store in more than a year ... and that wasn’t my idea. It was late April or May before I was comfortable eating in restaurants, even with the falling case count at the time. I’m still not sure if I’m managing my anxiety or reacting to the pressure by going to the opposite extreme (I have a history of that), but I know I’m less stressed, less anxious, have fewer obsessive thoughts, fewer physical symptoms, and am learning to live with this disease. 

So, here I sit at a marble-topped 5-foot-wide desk in my queen/queen hotel room at the end of a productive and enjoyable day. I slept in, completed the big goal of this weekend’s to-do list that I honestly thought would take several days, unpacked and organized my room (I arrived yesterday evening), reorganized my Favorites Bar and Bookmarks on my Mac, had an 80-minute aromatherapy massage, enjoyed a shower in the spa afterwards and even blow-dried my hair(!) before wandering around for a while to get the lay of the land and get some steps in (this place is huge!). Then I changed clothes and took myself out to dinner for my favorite food, Italian. 

That’s me in the picture up top, all dressed up :) Actually, I probably look pretty normal to y’all; like most people with depression, my personal hygiene sunk to new lows in the last year and a half, and as a low-maintenance person to begin with, that’s saying a lot. I bought that necklace as a bridesmaid and am not sure I’ve worn it since; this spring was her 10th anniversary. Yesterday I took out the cat-shaped earrings Dad gave me for Christmas. (Yes, they were gross. Yes, I cleaned them. Yes, I’m wearing them again now.) Just wearing a nice top, fixing my hair (no ponytail or claw-clip bun, my staples), and adding jewelry was a big deal ... especially since “no one” was going to see me. I did it just for me, to make myself feel good. And I did. (That’s another small pleasure COVID took away from me--lip gloss. If I wore any makeup at all, it was lipstick or gloss. Utterly pointless when you’re masked whenever you’re in public.)

I took my laptop to dinner and edited a couple chapters of my new Charlie/Amy fic (previewed during #ktoo turns 10), ran a couple errands, and headed back to the hotel since I don’t like to be out late by myself in an unfamiliar city. Forgot I put my receipt envelope in the backseat pocket and reorganized the glove compartment looking for it, then gathered a bunch of returns into a bag in the trunk. Hung out writing in the lobby until my Mac threatened to die, came upstairs and tidied up, put on my jammies, and talked to you guys :) 

#ktoo travels #covid coping #mental health #about ktoo #ktoo nurses #herself

[redpandaramblings]

A Taste so Tempting- Yandere Fatgum x Reader

🔞DEAD DOVE; DO NOT EAT🔞

Content Warnings- Dark Fic, Cannibalism, Forced Cannibalism, Yandere themes, Mutilation, Body Horror, Amputation, Medical horror, Mind Break, Not SFW, Dub Con/ Non Con

18+ MINORS DNI

This was written for the Spud Corner collab, Blood. So sorry it's extremely extremely late. It's a little sick, a little twisted, but it this kind of thing is your cup of tea, hope you enjoy.

You knew he was there. It was easy to tell as the sounds of slurping and chewing filtered into your ears. You shuddered, biting your lip to keep from whimpering at the noise of him licking and sucking grease from his thick, meaty fingers. You hadn’t paid much attention to noises like that until a few months ago when a man you had thought was a hero had kidnapped you and brought you to this remote cottage. Now you dreaded them, feeling nausea and anxiety with every crunch and every smack of the towering man's lips.

“I know you’re awake, Poppet.” Taishiro rumbled from his seat close to you. “You’ve been asleep for so long, you naughty thing.”

You blinked slowly awake, knowing he’d anger if you tried to feign sleep. Your head felt like it was full of wool. What had you been doing before? You couldn’t quite remember. You turned your head to face your captor.

The wide smile that greeted you was unsettling. How had you ever found comfort in that wide display of gleaming teeth? A mammoth hand reached out and stroked your cheek, leaving uncomfortable greasy trails in its wake. “There’s my pretty girl. I love seeing your eyes on me.”

He reached out of your view, grabbing something and then bringing it to your lips. You opened your mouth dutifully, letting the chunk of meat be placed inside. You knew the danger in refusing.

“How long was I asleep?” You mumbled as you chewed.

The food was good, like it always was. Perfectly cooked, richly seasoned. You couldn’t place exactly what the flavor was at the moment. You couldn’t bring yourself to care much, usually. You wished you could say it tasted like ash, but it never did. You could never accuse Fatgum of not knowing how to create delicious food.

“Been a couple days.” He hummed, pressing another piece to your lips. “You gave me a bit of a scare, Dumpling. But everything is going to be alright from now on.”

You nodded as you opened your mouth again, letting him feed you. You closed your eyes as you tried to sort through your confused thoughts. A couple of days? Had you been sick? No… You didn't think so, anyway. Could have been an accident? But you were barely allowed anything that wasn’t absolutely safe. Something must have happened. He only kept you asleep like that as punishment. What was the last thing you remembered?

Oh.

Of course.

You had tried to escape.

You swallowed quickly, and choked on your food. You tried to gasp for air, coughing. Fatgum sat you up and began thumping you on the back until your coughing subsided. When the coughing stopped, he laid you back down with a concerned look.

“Hey, now, you need to be careful, Sugarpop! Chew carefully. Can’t have you hurting yourself. And shouldn’t waste such precious food, either. It’s really special today, after all.”

“Yes, sir.” You whispered.

He was in a good mood. That was strange. Usually after you misbehaved, the large man would growl and rage. You’d be locked in the cold, damp cellar to think about what you had done; until you got so desperate that you begged him to let you out. He loved it when you begged, after all. So why was he in such a good mood? You had done the worst thing you could have done. You had run. You had tried to leave him.

So why was he happy?

Why was he smiling down at you?

What had happened those days you had been asleep?

You looked at your captor, trying to assess. He popped a piece of meat into his mouth, moaning obscenely in enjoyment as he began to chew. There was an easy way to find out what was going on. Risky, but certainly would be the clearest answer. After all, despite all his sins, Taishiro had never lied to you. Taking a deep breath, you murmured quietly. “Tai?”

He perked up immediately, grinning brightly. He loved when you called him Tai, loved anything that made it seem like you two were domestic. “Yes, Sweetpea?”

“I… I was a bad girl. Why aren’t you angry with me?”

His gaze was soft as he cupped your cheek with a large, greasy hand.

“I was at first. But then I realized. I finally understood why you fought and tried to run. You didn’t trust me to take care of you, that I’d keep you safe. Now yeah, that made me upset, but then I figured it out. I realized how to prove I’d always take care of you, to show how good we can be together. And well…” He giggled, high pitch and off putting. “You certainly can’t run away anymore.”

Chills ran down your spine and bile tickled your throat. A chilling realization was coming to you. You slowly tried to sit up more to look down at yourself.

“Tai?” You whispered, praying to whatever gods who were listening that you might be wrong. “Tai, why can’t I feel my legs? What happened while I was asleep?”

“Well, sweetness. Hard to feel what isn’t there anymore.”

Numbly, you tugged off the blankets covering you. Your legs were gone. Mostly gone, your mind supplied morbidly. You still had cloth wrapped stumps that seem to have been cut off above the knee. You could barely process it. It felt like they belonged to someone else, like this couldn’t possibly be you. This couldn’t be your body. But the stumps wiggled when you tried to move them. Fatgum’s hand engulfing your thigh stilled your movements.

“Isn’t it perfect, Dumpling? I have a friend who was able to help me and get you fixed up right away. Now there’s no more temptation to run. No more worrying about being bad. You don’t have to worry about being a bad girl for me, because you won’t be able to get into trouble this way. I’ll be here as much as I can to help you. Sure, I’ll have to carry ya around a little more, but that was no trouble before, and you’re even lighter now. Besides. Doing this came with a few perks. I got to experience your sweetness in a whole new way!”

You could barely keep up with what he was saying. His voice seemed muffled and far away, as if you were hearing him from underwater. You kept trying to wiggle your toes. Like, maybe if you could just wiggle your toes, they’d appear again. You could almost feel them. If you closed your eyes, it was like nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. Nothing except the hand on your thigh and the voice of your ear murmuring to you about how sweet you taste. What?

“I taste sweet?” You asked, managing to keep the hysteria out of your voice.

Fatgum moaned lewdly, giving your thigh a squeeze. “Darling, you’re the best thing I’ve ever tasted. Juicy, tender, so incredibly succulent. It was all I could do to pace myself. I needed it to last. Don’t plan on ever getting any more, since you’re going to be a good girl now, aren’t you? But it’s so good to taste you like this, experience you like this.”

He reached down to the plate he had been feeding you from, popped a piece of meat in his mouth, and moaned again,his hips bucking inadvertently. He continued in a rough, breathy voice.

“You nourishing me like you? God, Sugar, it’s so amazing. You’ll be a part of me forever. We’re part of each other now. Oh, y/n, don’t you think you taste so good?”

He grabbed a piece of your flesh from the plate, warm, fresh, smelling wonderful and shoved it into your mouth. You chewed out of habit. The flavor was as good as it had been the first time you had tasted it. You tried not to think about what it was you were eating. Who it was you were eating. You managed to swallow. Your stomach roiled. You couldn’t vomit. He’d kill you if you did. You’d put your head between your knees but… You begin to giggle hysterically. You have no knees. Your laughter starts soft but quickly raises in pitch and volume. No knees!

Taishiro kissed the top of your head, nuzzling you.

“See?” He rumbled and stroked your hair. “There’s my happy girl. You’re so good in every way.”

He tilted your chin up and smothered your laughter by covering your mouth with his. He picked you up, placing you in his lap, even as his meaty tongue forced his way past your lips. He tasted like you. You tasted like you. You whimpered into his mouth, overwhelmed. Encouraged, he placed his hands on your waist. It was easier than ever before for him to manhandle you, moving you so that your panty covered fold rubbed over the obnoxiously large bulge in his pants. You didn’t fight it. What could you do, press your stubby thighs together? As if that would work. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling away from his kiss so that you could bury your face in his neck. If your eyes were closed, you could pretend this wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. This sick fuck wasn’t rutting against you. It didn’t feel good. You didn’t enjoy him treating you like you were his greatest desire.

Fatgum reached down again grabbing another chunk of warm, tasty meat. He popped it in his mouth, chewing a few times. He gripped your hair, pulling your head back just enough for him to slam his lips against yours, forcing his tongue and the warm, chewed, succulent piece of your own flesh into your mouth. Startled, near panicked, you tried to use your own tongue to push the meat back. All you did however was encourage the large man. Though it had never been your intention, soon the kiss intensified as the two of you passed the meat back and forth. The world narrowed. There was only you, and him, the movement, the taste. The fucking taste. Why did it taste good? Feel good? Why the fuck was it good?

Fatgum pulled away, leaving the piece of you in your mouth, and you swallowed unthinking. Dazed, you looked up at him, eyes half lidded. Your hips continued to rock against each other. His eyes were tender, but hungry as he smiled down at you. His thumb whipped over your lips, and you opened your mouth obediently. His grin grew. “Good girl” he murmured as he placed another piece of meat in your mouth. You moaned softly. You hated him. You hated what he had done, what he was doing. You hated his fucking smile, this fucking taste, the way your cunt was getting soaked from the steady grinding against his stupid huge cock. You hated how amazing it felt. With a groan, you leaned up, pressing your lips to his. He held you close with one arm, using his other hand to shove your panties off. They fell to the floor and you were pressed against him again. You tried to rut against him but it was hard to gain traction. Your stumps wiggled in frustration as you tried to gain more friction. Tai chuckled softly, reaching down. His greasy fingers found your clit with expert precision and your whole body jolted. He nipped at your bottom lip, teasing you. After months of being able to have you in his arms, he knew how to play your body like a fiddle. He teased you, gently rubbing the sensitive area around the clit before flicking it directly. The calluses on his fingertips added the perfect friction. He rapidly brought you close to the edge before slowly bringing you down again. You focused on the feeling. Whining, desperate. You didn’t want to think. Couldn’t think. You only could concentrate on the feel, the taste, the need between your legs. You trembled, wet and whimpering. This could continue for hours. But today… Today you needed the comfort of his cock rubbing your insides. The rumbling praise of being his good girl.

“Tai,” you panted. “Tai please, Darling.”

No name got him riled up more. It was easy enough for Taishiro to lift you up enough to unzip his pants and tug them and his boxers down. His cock sprang free. Long, and so terribly, wonderfully, deliciously thick. He didn’t bother to prep your sopping cunt before he started to push in.

Pain. Sharp, focused, burning pain where you were being forced open. This was what you wanted. No other thoughts could exist in this moment. Only this pleasure and pain and dred and acceptance. This was your life now. What else was out there for you? It was best to give in. Just give in. You rocked your hips, taking him in deeper, hissing at the burning stretch. His hands stilled you, petting your back and forcing you to slow down.

“There, now, don’t hurt yourself, Gumdrop. Let me take care of you. Be my good girl.”

You nodded, though you still lightly rocked your hips. Yes. Maybe… Maybe you should. Give in. He’d take care of you. Tai could be gentle. Could feel good. Did feel so good. You moaned when he bottomed out. It felt like he was deeper than ever before and you clung to him for comfort. Your grip tightened as he began to thrust. This could be so good sometimes. And… you liked when he called you good girl. And his. And you were his. You shuddered, arousal spiking at the thought. You were his in a way no one else had ever been, would never be. Tai groaned, picking up the pace when you tighten around him. “Like that, don’t you, good girl?” he panted. “Like when I fill you up, like when I call you my good girl. Gonna be my good girl from now on, won’t you? Only mine.”

You nodded as you were bounced on his cock. Every time he called you by that name, your pussy tightened and squeezed around him. He knew exactly how much he was affecting you. And you were so tired of fighting him. You wondered why you ever had.

“How about you cum for me, Dumpling? Come for me like a good girl, and I’ll fill you right up.”

You moaned and whimpered, beyond words and you fruitlessly tried to rut your hips. You were so close! Fatgum understood, kissing your neck as his fingers once again found your clit. A few firm strokes was all it took before your orgasm hit you. You clung to Tai, half sobbing as you came. It only took him a few more thrusts to follow you, keening and biting your neck hand enough to bruise as he came, pumping his large, thick load into your waiting womb. You both held each other, panting and quiet in the aftermath.

This is where you usually would fight. You’d scream and yell, hitting and kicking to let out your rage. But this time, the rage didn’t come. You were so tired of fighting. Fighting had gotten you nothing. You collapsed forwards, snuggling into Taishiro’s ample chest. He just wanted to take care of you, after all. Everything he’d done was for your relationship. He just wanted to take care of you. You should just give in.

Yes, you thought as he held you close, and lazily began to feed you once again.

Just give in.

#fatgum x y/n #fatgum x reader #taishiro smut #Taishiro x reader #Dark fatgum #Yandere fatgum #Dark Fic #Cannibalism #Forced Cannibalism #Yandere themes #Mutilation #Body Horror #Amputation #Medical horror #Mind Break #Not SFW #Dub Con/ Non Con #collab piece #Spud Corner

[robin-the-enby]

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a matchup for Black Butler? My pronouns are She/They and I’m bisexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. Because of me dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome things like slashers and murder documentaries. A friend of mine even likes to call me “discount vomitboyx”. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. I’m not good with overly sensitive or dramatic people at all, and I can’t stand kids. I’m a huge animal person though, I adore cats. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’m the type of person that has very strong morals and opinions. I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and become aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Godsmack, Mindless Self Indulgence, Get Scared, sometimes Tally Hall or Mother Mother ). I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive, and I suffer from Aspergers autism, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m overly stressed or mad. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - coii

Salutations to you too! Thank you for requesting! We actually share the same Myers Briggs type, I'm an INFJ too! That said, I match you with: Undertaker

Undertaker is definitely someone who has no problem with socializing, but keeps to himself.

He doesn't come off as intimidating, not that he can't be, he's one of the most powerful shinigami in the (after)world, but as we've seen, there's a more silly vibe to him.

He is very curious, so it makes sense he would take interest in you and try to make you warm up to him.

He also likes dark clothes, and prefers comfort over fashion imo, but he's still a ray of sunshine and your dark, but kind of cutesy appearance would draw him in like a moth to light.

Despite the theatrics he puts on, I think that when nobody's around, he's pretty laid back. Very easy to get along with.

If you have a hard time talking to him at first, he doesn't mind it. He can talk for the both of you, but if you don't want to, that's fine with him as well.

Would love your humor, even if he was the butt of the joke, but if you could tell him some dark ones as well, he'd be over the moon!

Undertaker likes all things gruesome and gory, listening to true crime documentaries/podcasts will be one of his favourite past time activities with you!

He would definitely like if you'd share your hobbies with him, I can definitely see him jamming to a few bands that you mentioned.

He is very intrigued how your entire behaviour changes when you're around animals. Although I don't think he is much of a animal person, people are more intriguing to him imo, he'd love to watch you snuggle a stray kitty and would definitely let you bring it back home. Not permanently, but to feed it and let it warm up. If you want to feed stray cats, that's fine with him as well. Just put some milk and treats behind the backdoor and wait.

I'm pretty positive you'd hate Ciel. Because even though he is incredibly strong mentally and pretty smart for a 12yo., he is still a spoiled brat. And if you think Undertaker wouldn't laugh his ass off watching you quietly seethe whenever the young earl and his demonic butler came to his humble shop, you are gravely mistaken. He doesn't mean anything bad, he just can't help but find it hilarious.

He is a very cuddly/touchy person. So you can kiss touch-starvation goodbye and send it to someone you hate! Istg this man could live off of hugs, cuddles and handholding. Maybe he is some sort of vampire, anything is possible with him, really.

He would find the fact that you sleep with plushies very cute. They make cuddling so much more enjoyable too! He likes this little fact about you, at least he knows what to give you for birthdays etc.

He may not seem like it, but like I said earlier, he's not as much of an airhead as he presents himself to be. Quite the opposite actually, he is very intelligent and perceptive, having been around people for such a long time. He would definitely notice if something was off with you.

He'd ask you about it, but wouldn't force you to tell him anything that you don't want to. He is curious about what goes up in your pretty little head, don't get me wrong, but he just wants to know what's wrong, so that he can figure out/ask/study how he can help you.

He wouldn't coddle you or anything like that, if you need time alone, he'll give you just that, but he wouldn't like seeing you struggle. He always let's you know that you don't have to handle all these things alone, that he'll try to aid you however he can if you let him and that you are loved and appreciated for who you are.

He's really great at being there for you without it being overwhelming or forced.

#Kuroshitsuji #Black butler #Black butler x reader #Black butler matchups #black butler x y/n #Black butler Undertaker #Undertaker x reader #Undertkaer x y/n #requests open

[jerardeusebio]

When I say “workout,” I really do mean all physical exercises other than running. Before this coronavirus pandemic, I’ve mostly worked out at home. Yes, I’ve availed of a gym membership and found enjoyment in going to one, but this has happened only twice. And these two occasions, they were brief and far between. To illustrate: the first time I had ever set foot in a gym was right after college, around 2009. I went to that gym for about five months and then stopped. The next time would be nine years later, when I moved back home to begin my life as a UPLB academic. But this time, I’d only go to the same gym for three months.

While I did and still do appreciate the equipment variety and quality, the cool temperature, and the very idea of carving out time and headspace to exercise, which most gyms are able to offer its clients, I’ve always found it difficult to buy into the lifestyle. And over the course of the last ten years, I’ve wondered long and hard as to why. Today, I’m attempting to narrow it down to three things:

Running. I often tell my friends that running has saved my life. I don’t mean to be hyperbolic about it. This, on a biological level, is accurate. As someone who’s had to manage anxiety disorders since childhood, I know this to be a fair statement. Running regularly has allowed me to traverse the high wire that life is. And sure, it was on a treadmill that I started running (and liking it), but it was never going to be where I’d stay running. It’s like how cyclers don’t reinstall their training wheels. The whole point of getting them in the first place is to be able do without them later on. The treadmill acted as my training wheels. I hopped on determined to eventually be off of it. Since running became my exercise, the one sport that I had, with great purpose, weaved into the fabric of my identity, the gym and all its other equipment soon felt peripheral. And I wasn’t going to keep paying money for something that I’d, time and again, view as peripheral. 

Money. My 2009 gym membership was paid for by mother as a college graduation gift. I was grateful, but I knew it wasn’t going to be forever. There was some expectation, as I was fresh out of college at this point, that I would eventually earn to pay my keep. And while I knew good physical health was necessary and important, I quickly realized that gyms weren’t. Not necessarily. They were means to an end, and costly means they were. So, when I could no longer swallow my pride, I stopped going. I shifted my focus on running, which at that point I was already falling in love with. I made UPLB campus my gym. I landed a job, eventually. And gym fees would never again fit into my budget. As I invested some money, little by little, on things like dumbbells, jumping ropes, and running clothes and shoes, it became crystal clear that I could do without gym access because (1) I really don’t need it and (2) I couldn’t afford it. Even when I found myself working in the Metro, many years later, and would pass all these posh gyms on my way home, I never ended up seriously considering them. Other things would always come up as more important.

Philosophy. On the first night that I got to hang with Dylan’s friends in Manila, we walked past this construction site on the way to SaGuijo. It was after dinnertime and the construction workers were preparing to retire. One of them had his shirt off and was displaying his chiseled body, cuts illumined by the fluorescent bulb above him. I remember being tagged by Dylan, cued by the sight of this hot construction worker, to share with his friends my ideas about gym-going. I told them what I had told Dylan earlier, that I found it quite ironic that many construction workers get paid to do manual labor and, as a consequence, get to exercise and develop a nice physique, while white collar workers (who go to the gym) have to pay to exercise and be healthy, and, if they’re really determined, develop a nice physique. This was something that I had thought about in my first few months, that time already half a decade ago, at my gym. It hadn’t taken long for me to begin wondering about what I was doing, and why only rich (and/or connected) people went to the gym with me. The more I thought about it, the more I found it ridiculous that I had to pay in order to be healthy and physically active. While for laborers, the work was to lift sacks of cement to build something, the office workers pay to lift iron discs to use what would otherwise be unused muscles. If my job, diet, and lifestyle were so great, then why was I overweight? Why was I struggling? Why was it a good job if it kept me glued to a chair seven hours a day? This to me said so much about how we’ve evolved to define “work” the way we do today, and why manual and physical labor is often frowned upon as menial and low-paying. This also makes sense when I think about physical education classes being excluded from grades computations. Why? Are cerebral tasks necessarily more important than being physically fit? Aren’t those things tied? It also says so much about how we’ve capitalized on these gaps. Again, it seems absurd—if one were to sit down and really think about it—to be working so hard to be able to pay for gym fees and medical care once our health deteriorates because of the kind of inert work that most of us are taught to value and have to do. It is with this philosophy that I decide, each time I get the opportunity to, to not to be part of this culture and commit to making the most of home workouts.

To my friends, I advocate working out at home. I do feel it’s the most compatible for many, if not all of them. But I would understand if they find going to the gym the best choice that they have. I’m sure some of them have thought about it as much as I have, maybe even more. Still, in general, the incentive system to be healthy in our current setup is not that great. Those who have more means, who enjoy more privileges are more likely to be fitter. Even I, just by having ample space for home workouts, already outprivilege so many. Unfortunately, the incentive system is similar for food. Eating more healthy (organic, vegan, whole) is seen as more expensive. Less healthy choices like highly processed foods are relatively cheaper and more accessible. Not to mention education, which allows us to make better food choices. This is were some of our healthy construction workers would lose. In this scenario, as in too many others, it is those with less that are disadvantaged. I digress, I know. I’m afraid more of this must be for another sad and sobering blog entry.

I’ll maintain, though, that if one wants to be fit, going to the gym is not the only option and certainly not the cheapest. The first few months of the pandemic have proven this, as most of my friends went on to do their exercises at home. 

I can’t speak for them, but me—I’m relieved I no longer have to shower before working out, to commute, to find a nearby parking space, to wait for an equipment to free up, to suffer feeling looked at and judged. Mostly, though, I'm glad I don't have to pay to be motivated to move about. And I guess this setup has been working out well for me because exercise has always been a solitary thing for me, like how I prefer running by myself because it gives me a chance to hear my own thoughts, count my own breath, and communicate with my body.

Over the years—and there have been many—the equipment count at home has steadily increased. Just a few months ago, a stationary bike and a pull-up bar were added to my arsenal, thanks to my brother’s efforts. Last week, I purchased the very first pair of training shoes I’ve ever owned. They’re sure to give my running shoes (the wrong pair for lateral movements during HIIT) a nice break from indoor exercises. And these new kicks have been so far great, and I’m looking forward to working out with them for years, in the comfort of my own home.

#literature

[flatfootmonster]

Reflections

Neither the gentle rustle of the wind, the ease of the dark, nor the ache of exhaustion is enough to lull me to sleep. Curiosity is an itch that I’m familiar with but not growing in the shadow of ignorance in regards to someone’s emotions. How someone feels has always been inconsequential. 

The half-wild creature next to me still shivers, despite the heavy robe now draped over him. But he makes no move to turn or leave, even if these are his chambers I wouldn’t put it past Na-Kyum to storm off and sleep outside. That thought pulls at a thread of amusement and I find myself grinning. He is unknowable; a fey animal dancing on the boundaries of this world and an ethereal realm. 

My fingers move on their own, reaching for him and finding soft strands of hair beneath my fingertips. The enjoyment I receive from the way he feels beneath my hands and the gratification that comes when he sighs, inching across the narrow span of space left between us is an even weight. His body is curved towards me—not away. Why am I taking so much stock in irrelevant observations?

He’s just as restless. I could demand he tells me what is bothering him but that concept is foreign; I’ve never needed to know how someone feels. It’s never mattered before. Yet, as he trembles and sniffles, the same anxiety that had its grasp around my gut when he was ill plays in the same shadows my curiosity grew. 

Has his spirit been broken? What exactly did his teacher say? That single memory coaxes a tide of murderous anger… 

“He is a fool, you realise.” There's an edge to my voice I didn't intend, sharp enough to let blood. Certainly strong enough to make him flinch yet he stays still. Contrary creature. Withdrawing my hand, I resist the urge to pet him—not least because comforting isn't something I often feel compelled to do. Or ever for that matter. That aside, given his unpredictable nature, it's a toss up whether he’d sob or bite me. 

Tilting his head up, he gazes at me wide-eyed. The innocence in his soul cannot be sullied—even by me. A long moment of consideration passes before he shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter anyway.” Eyes once more are cast down, and that subservience grates me—it shouldn't be there, not for In-Hun.

“It does,” my reply is as firm as the finger I place beneath his chin, tilting his face back up, eyes meeting mine again. “It may be foolish to love without a thought for yourself but the bigger fool is the one who would snub a love so pure. And not only refuse it but to shame it.” My thumb rubs gently along his chin without being told to do so. His lips slacken, the pink tip of his tongue darts out to wet them. Somehow I can feel his tension being eased. The shivering subsides. 

“He said I— that I’m a p-prostitute.” 

The tide of anger swells again, it's so easily provoked in this matter. The arguments that froth at the surface all relate to me. Implying that I would sleep with a prostitute, or pay for intimacy, would be a misstep that I'd answer with a blade rather than dignify with words. But I cannot give worth to another borrowing from my own standards. 

The stern expression I know I've donned, that Na-Kyum now sees, sparks fear in his eyes. Yet he doesn't pull away. "And what do you think?" 

The hesitation is enough to alleviate my fury. He at least has the confidence and freedom of thought to question his mentor—or past-mentor. "You keep me here to paint, the agreement was for nothing more," he comes to a premature halt, holding back the speculation I took more than I asked for. He wouldn't be wrong. "I'm not being paid for w-what we do." 

A rare and discomforting pang of guilt thrums through my veins. Despite what he says, up until tonight he never had autonomy in our affairs. Choice is a difference between himself and a prostitute. That matter wouldn't normally trifle me, let alone induce guilt, but there it is. 

But he came to me now, asked me to take him. Was he simply submitting to his lofty teacher's assessment? Is that what brought this on? As I study him, confusion welling like tears, I see something other than that. Perhaps I want to see it, but it's a point he's been shamed over by In-Hun and used by myself as a probe to tease. 

"Enjoying it makes you feel conflicted?" In his naivety, perhaps he assumes the only people that enjoy sex submissively are prostitutes, and that's why they do it. Slaves to desire and nothing more. 

His mouth moves wordlessly, unable to even admit the pleasure. But his gaze doesn't deviate from my own. His spirit isn't broken, I'm sure of it. "Not it," he stammers. "It's not what we do, it's that it's you that does it." 

My brows knit together as I try to pick apart his words. "What I do makes you feel conflicted?" But the meaning unfurls as I speak. Pushing myself up on one elbow, I look down at him, my hand resting on his neck. His heart is running as wild as his emotions. 

"The way I feel—my dreams—" his words stop and start. Impatience is a barely restrained force as I wait for his thoughts to be articulated. "I yearn for you," he whispers finally. 

I hear the now that's missing. His adoration lay at someone else's feet, undeserving as they were. But now his allegiance has changed. Something stronger than anger expands in my chest, I can barely breathe for the possessive instinct that overwhelms me. He is mine—body and heart. A battle was won that I had no idea I was fighting. 

My fingers curl around his pale and fragile neck, as my thumb runs over his Adam's-apple to the crest of his chin. His head tilts with every minute direction of my hand, apprehension in his eyes, waiting for whatever comes. 

He used to feel like a small bird trapped in my fist, I could anticipate the beat of his frail wings before I'd loosen my hold, and mirth would rise as I'd imagine the ways he might try to escape. Now, as he lays beneath me, if I closed my fingers on that bird until bones crunched, the only fight would be its heart against a delicate cage made of ribs. Yet if I hold my palm flat, the bird will perch on my finger.

His spirit isn't broken but he is enamoured in the foolish way he loves, forgetting himself. "You are the fool it seems," I admonish gently, but there's no heat in it. If he is a fool then I must be one, too. Of course I’m aware of the exceptions I make for him.

And he reads between the lines, for once seeing me as transparently as I see him. "Then I am your fool, My Lord." They are the first firm words he's uttered. 

Will he now defend my honour, the way he did his teacher’s? Has he done so already? I'm drowning in curiosity over matters that should be insignificant. No—his loyalty is not insignificant; small perhaps but persistent, like the grain of sand that becomes a pearl. I won't probe. Proof of his nature is already abundant, in my memories and before my eyes.

"My fool." The repeated sentiment falls softly from my lips; a coveted caress. Past that, I find it difficult to move from this moment. The stillness draws out as I simply hold his throat in my palm, enjoying the racing pulse that radiates from his surrendered heart. That revelation calls for motion, my hand answers as it slips down to his heaving chest, fingers splayed across vulnerable flesh. He’s blissfully warm where the beat is strongest. 

The tip of his tongue darts forth again as a tentative hand drifts up to my arm. Gentle fingers test my bare skin. "You're cold," he murmurs, "let me." The offer is made as his hand falls to the robe, opening it from around himself and proffering one side. 

A heavy breath rushes from my lungs as I nod, unravelling muscles that had tensed at some point. Arm laid flat, I settle beside him, allowing the material to be draped over my torso. He fusses over it, focussing on his work as our makeshift covers are smoothed around my shoulders. There’s a furrow between his brows as he does so and I can’t help the way my lips pull at the corners. 

“Are you going to mother me now?” I can’t blame him when my jest falls flat. When has he ever heard me joke to know how my tongue paints humour? But that doesn't stop the whiplash of regret that’s inflicted when he recoils, looking down in self-deprecation. I already know his cheeks are red despite the dark withholding solid facts. 

He may be quick but so am I, I grasp his hand before it disappears in the folds of fabric. And with his hand I catch his attention, both brought to my mouth as I push a firm kiss to his wrist and then place his palm flat against my chest. 

"Don't." It's a one word warning, I'm not sure how to tell him not to pull away from me again without ordering him or begging. After all his candour I should be softer, I just have little practise. "I like your body heat." 

I listen to him breathe in the quiet, three haggard exhales before he moves closer. His hand stays where I placed it, warm and soft, and that sensation spreads as his body presses to mine. He tucks his head beneath my chin, and the air that leaves his body caresses my skin. "Is this… OK?" 

There's little to be done against the will of my fingertips, my hand runs the length of his back before resting at his nape, holding him tight against me. I hum a yes and it sounds like a contented purr. But there are matters to straighten before I let my senses dull. I already slackened by allowing us to lay here—we should be in my own bed. "Tomorrow you will eat every meal in my presence." He nods quickly, hair tickling my neck. 

"I will, My Lord." 

"I do not want to see you get sick again." The hardness in my tone resurfaces, but by the way he clings tighter to me he reads it in the context intended: worry rather than impatience. Perhaps he has started to know me, or my hands give me away. They have a mind of their own as they sweep over his smooth skin. "Do you need to eat now?" 

"No." 

My finger drifts to his chin, tilting his face up so I can peer down at him. "Are you lying?" He shakes his head, a singular and minimal motion, eyes locked to mine and lids heavy. With sleep, or perhaps... 

"I want to stay here—this way," he murmurs, emphasizing his meaning by pressing closer. 

I draw a line down his torso, finger coming to stop at his naval. "If I hear any complaints from here," I poke at his slender stomach to emphasize my meaning, "then I will feed you myself." The soft beneath my touch pulls taut. He’s tense. Did he expect hurt? It would be a fair assumption given the marks my hands have already made on him. The taste of that realisation is sour but short lived when I hear the soft huff expelled from his lips. Before I’m certain of the reaction that I just witnessed, my fingers run along the seams of his muscles, to the soft spot above his hip. The tensing becomes a full flex as his body curves protectively and something happens that I hadn't expected or considered. 

The huff becomes a gentle gurgle. He’s laughing. He’s laughing and I have never wanted to capture something as futile with my fingers before now. I’ve never heard him laugh, and if he’s smiled I can’t recall it. The night and it’s secrets be damned, I can’t see the expression this new development brings to his face. I want to see how his eyes wrinkle, the shape his lips take, the warmth flood his features, whether his cheeks dimple. And now I have stared too long so he grows still. Does he think I disapprove of laughter?

“It’s ticklish,” he murmurs as way of explanation, as if it’s needed and I’m too dull in my senses to draw that conclusion on my own. 

“I realise.” And even I can hear the pleasure on my tongue. There’s a pause, he’s hesitating, I imagine he intended to apologise for such a natural and wonderful reaction. It’s down to me to make some things clear, I’m not one for many words, especially when it comes to assurances. “I like your laugh. You will do it more often.” It sounds as ridiculous as I intended the demand be, and he hears it. I grin when my efforts win another soft snort. 

“Yes, My Lord.”  

#painter of the night #seungho x nakyum #nakyum #seungho #fanfic

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Today on things to help with death anxiety: Play!

I’ve talked a lot about distractions of all sorts, but I haven’t expressly suggested this concept of “play”.

When I look at my typical day, much of it is about work, exercise, eating, sleeping, chores, and hygiene practices. When I consider how much time I have left for myself, it’s usually about 2-3 hours – except on weekends, where it is more. 2-3 hours isn’t enough for me to start something, and it’s barely enough for me to want to do anything, since I like to have an hour of “cool down”…so really, it’s 1-2 hours.

Okay, when I look at that, I kind of hate it, not gonna lie. Of course, the thing I’d change would be work, I find the other things far too important to change.

The point I’m getting at is – these are the moments most of us live for.

These are the moments we thrive in.

Sure, that may just be reading a book, but these are the moments where we are ourselves, and I am begging of all of you to please make that time for yourself, on your days off (even when you have hundreds of errands and things to do not related to work), after work, wherever you can, find time to play – which is loosely going to mean, doing things for pleasure, and pleasure alone.

Like when you were a kid, on a swing set, or making up epic tales on a playground.

I played out scenarios of Pokemon with my friends. Now, my mom’s into Pokemon, and we’re vibing with Pokemon Snap and Pokemon Go.

And this will be what I remember.

Oh yes, I know where she’s worked, I even went to her workplace for “take your child to work” days. She knows what I do.

That’s not going to be the important part of her life. That she did work, and did take care of us, yes – but who she was at play is more important and I know many people forget that. I see it in the workaholics around me, in the study-holics around me.

Measure the importance of what you do, by how important it will be in a year.

On your death bed, you probably aren’t going to be thinking about work. You’ll be thinking about time with family and friends. 

That even goes with words. I can’t tell you the compliments I’ve held on to, or small gifts that changed me. There was a popular girl at my school that I chatted with occasionally in a class, and on like, the last day of that year, she gave me a book about how to be happy. It was an orange book, with a ribbon bookmark that had a sun charm on it, and to this day I am still stupidly touched by this gift. We didn’t talk that much, I feel like I barely knew her, but she went out of her way to get me a book about happiness, and that mattered.

The same way it mattered that my mom plays Pokemon Go, or my brother names his smart TV something entirely asinine in the hopes that when I get the Netflix email about it being used, the TV name shows up (it didn’t, he was most disappointed).

The papers I wrote for grad school? Beyond knowing I wrote about Halloween and Satan, they don’t matter to me. The papers I wrote in undergrad, or even in high school? You’re luck if I remember the subjects.

The phone calls I took a year ago? Most of them are forgotten.

But I remember going to feed the ducks because it was something social-distancing that could be done, and that still matters, because someone wanted to be around me. I remember getting a Nintendo switch so I could share in memes and jokes with my friends. I remember getting my tattoo of Bahamut’s symbol, and I remember beating Bloodborne.

The only thing I really remember about work is starting to work at home, and cleaning out my desk.

So what I’m saying is, remember your priorities. It is likely important to be, and remain, employed – or be a student, and get good grades. And you should care about that, because those reflect on your future. I am not at all saying start fucking around – but I am saying, when it’s done for the day, let it be done.

Make time for yourself.

Play during that time. Don’t worry about progress, don’t worry about anything else, just the pleasure of play, and the memories you’re making by doing so.

It’s a complaint many of adults have as they get older – so don’t let it happen to you! Start by making sure to make that time, now – and learning what you like about play. We aren’t meant to stop playing just because we get older. We really aren’t. Your life shouldn’t just be focused around “responsibilities”.

It should have some non-serious, enjoyable, joys.

#death anxiety #death anxiety help #thanatophobia #play #playing

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook: Mr. Jeffrey’s Elegant Life Counseling

Thank you for so many consultations. It was nearly impossible to contact Mr. Jeffrey as he is so busy, but we were able to deliver everyone’s consultations to him and received several replies, thus they have been published. May your worries be resolved!

Sleep hours are said to account for 1/3 of life. Please tell us about your particularities for aromas, beddings and such, as well as which ones we should choose in order to spend this 1/3 of our lives elegantly. (Bijou-san)

Bijou-san, greetings! My particularities about elegant beddings, huh. I fly around a lot due to work, so I often live in hotels. That’s exactly why I am a little particular about aromas. But it’s about their purposes rather than their smell: 1. For before work 2. For after work 3. For when I’m on off days I like being able to change my gears myself. Eh? You heard from an acquaintance of mine that I only have numbers 1 and 2? No way; I also have number 3, I just don’t have any time to use it at all. Well, adieu!

I have been keeping a loach for three years now, but have not named it yet. I think it is about time I do so, but what would be a good name? (Tsuyu-san)

Tsuyu-san and Nameless Loach-san, hello! I see, so you’ve had a loach for three years. Ah-ha-ha-ha! I think any name will do! Eh? What is it, Ricky? “Since we’re at it, just name it Jeffrey”? No way, I might get eaten in Yanagawa! Please choose anything but Jeffrey! I’m counting on you!

(T/N: Yanagawa is a city in Kyushu, known for its traditional loach stew.)

I am the type who fears failing and ends up staying in the same place, so what can I do to be as active as you, Jeffrey-san? (Sorasaki-san)

Sorasaki-san, hello! You seem to have a very high opinion of me, so thank you very much. But I am not at all an active person. I simply work like a Japanese dancing mouse because of my job, and I think all I do is sleep on my house’s sofa if I don’t have anything to do. Maybe you should change your mindset. How about taking the direction not of “wanting to be active”, but of wanting to look for something that you wish to do because you haven’t found it yet? Eh? You have things you want to do? That’s just perfect. All that’s left is for you to execute this desire, and then it will be the birth of a lovely and active Sorasaki-san. If you like that, do try it out. Well, adieu!

This is my first year as a respectable member of society. I earned myself the occupation I wanted, but all I do is mess up and I still cannot think of it as enjoyable. I am blessed with good seniors, so my feeling of guilt is strong in that regard. What can I do to be able to think of my job as fun? (Yoppi-san)

Yoppi-san, hello! Okay, this is sudden, but Jeffrey-onii-san has questions for the working people who are reading this. Is your work enjoyable? Are you positively doing your best? Is there nothing at all that you just can’t see as fun? Hm, feels like I can hear the responses going, “as if” beyond the walls of this dimension. I think one year after you start working is still a period where there are many things you’re not yet used to, and I myself also did stuff that had me feeling sorry at the time. Nowadays, I find myself recalling these feelings as unripe and nostalgic, but there’s just no helping any of it in your first shot.

That’s okay; you will grow used to it soon enough. Might not be BCG, but it’s a road that everyone goes down. If it’s still hard, then go hang out with a friend around the same age as you who you get along with and wash away your irritation! I think trying to force yourself to have fun is a pain, so for now, how about you try to make enduring reality into your main task? Wow, I feel like this has turned out as a very decent reply that isn’t like me at all! May you grow into a wonderful professional. Adieu!

I am a college student, but my image of working is too negative and I am very distressed about finding a job. How can I have hope and work while my future is uncertain? (Misaki-san)

Misaki-san, hello! In this day and age, having hope towards working is very hard, isn’t it? Even I don’t have that much of it. But I spend my days cheerfully! Why? Because I’m rich? That’s not it. Ack, that hurts, Ricky; I keep telling you to stop hitting me with boxing moves!

It’s because I have baseless confidence. Baseless confidence is the best. Because there’s no basis to it. Ya~y!

What you should do to have baseless confidence? Try challenging yourself to do something – anything – that you’ve never done before. If you do this, many things will happen at once. They mostly won’t go well. You will get yelled at and praised, not knowing what is what. Things will either somehow work out or not at all while you have a laugh at it, and as you find yourself in a situation that feels like being jerked around by a storm, everything will be over before you realize it.

You might get into a state of collapse, but at that moment, you’ll have become a different person from before you challenged yourself. Just a little bit. But it’s a big change. If you hadn’t thought of challenging yourself, you wouldn’t have had that experience. But because you decided to do it and tried it out, you’ll have polished yourself when going through said experience. Don’t you think that’s amazing?

To work is to live. I think a challenge is the fastest way to living with confidence. If you have anything you like or are interested in, it might be good to try starting from there as the outset. Adieu!

There are too many things I want, so I never manage to save any money! Jeffrey-san, do you also have these kinds of experiences…? (Karina-san)

Oops, there’s a different fee for money-related consultations, but this doesn’t seem to be that kind of talk. When you think about what I would say, there’s no way that the youngest son of English aristocrats would have had this kind of experience—except I have. Not just me but also my brother and cousin were under a system of restrict pocket money back in our student years, so although they were enough for food expenses, buying all the things we wanted was a dream upon another dream. I think we improved our way of setting our priorities straight thanks to that. Everything is about experience. Adieu!

I do not hate work – I am actually the type that likes it – but Jeffrey-sama, what do you do in those times when you suddenly feel like taking a break from work or when you only want to do fun things? (Tofu-san)

Tofu-san, hello! Hm-hm, I get you. No matter how fun and lively your job is, it’s depressing when you think about having to be there and do work every day, isn’t it? Vacations are far-off, and you can’t go on vacation in the first place or even have the will to—wait, that’s me.

What I recommend to you, Tofu-san, is going on a weekday vacation. I’m not at all telling you to take absence from your company, but to go on a vacation after you leave work. Put on your favorite clothes and go hang out at a club, watch as many streamed videos as you want while eating chips and drinking ale, get engrossed in reading – follow your many desires and do only the things you like! Until the time to go to work on the next day, that is! We’re talking an all-nighter here; an all-nighter.

Of course, your skin will get dry, your eyes will be bleary and your work efficiency will see a sharp drop, so you can’t do it all the time, but this little vacation works surprisingly well for your heart’s health. Try it when you feel like taking a nice break. My personal recommendation is eating as much chocolate and churros as you can overnight. I remember very well that a prodigious acquaintance of mine survived a test week thanks to this. Well, adieu!

Ricky, you didn’t get angry this time, huh? Eh, did you forget to? Can’t remember anything anymore except the taste of Nakata-kun’s pudding? Ah, ouch, ouch, ouch! Sorry; I said sorry! Stirred a hornet’s nest, didn’t I?

In order to become a member of society, I will be living by myself in Tokyo starting from April next year! Jeffrey-san, I would like you to tell me your methods for stress relief and what rewards you give yourself when you do your best! (Ryon-san)

Ryon-san, hello! Congratulations on this big step to becoming a new member of society. “Member of society” is a pretty Japanese-like concept. For your first time living alone, the things that you deem as fun and your troubles will probably change from what they used to be until now, so I believe that thinking while having your eyes set on your desires is the most important. By the way, I like karaoke. Because you can sing loudly in them! Ricky was the one who taught me Shouwa pop music—eh? This topic isn’t allowed? Same for the talk about those popular songs that we’d sing when we were studying Japanese? Ah, I’m sorry. Due to brotherly circumstances, this topic has to stop here. That’s right; anything except sweets is fine as a reward. I know about the touching hard work of a certain someone, after all. Well, adieu… Wait a minute; wait! No boxing!

I am bad at speaking out my opinion in front of others, and I get so nervous that my voice trembles. How can I stop being anxious? Also, Jeffrey-san, in what kind of situation do you get nervous? Please tell me! (Totororo-san)

Totororo-san, hello. Anxiety is a problem, isn’t it? Your voice shakes, your hands shake, and you just feel like taking a break. I was also like that back when I had just become a student, but strangely enough, I was able to deal just fine with nervousness after learning a secret chant. It’s a chant passed down for generations in the Claremont family, which was taught to me by Henry and taught to Henry by our father, Godfrey. What kind of chant is it, you ask? Aah, I’m sorry, but this is off-limits for outsiders. I cannot tell you. But, that’s right, I shall tell you just the atmosphere and the mindset of the chant as an exception: 1. Acknowledge that you are nervous and be thankful for it 2. Because that’s the same as the many big ordeals that our ancestors have gone through until now 3. As you are at the very end of the line, you must be grateful for the grandiose fate of being granted an ordeal as well 4. Express respect for your own courage Okay, it’s more or less this mindset. Whenever I was saying [beep] before an important presentation, well, it was that chant. In my opinion, Totororo-san, it’s okay for you to also create your own version of the chant and use it. According to Henry, this chant has been passed down for generations in the Claremont household, so it clearly gets stronger the more you use it. Was this helpful? Please do your best! Be thankful for your nervousness and have respect for your courage. Well, adieu!

Hey, Henry, that time when I cried before I started going to school because I had to do a speech in front of everyone, I wonder just how you felt.

Hello, Jeffrey-san, who looks lovely in glasses. I do my best every day, all the while being healed by your kindness! My dark history is that I was once super fat… and even now, I cannot bring myself to look directly at my photos from that time. Jeffrey-san, you apparently listened to too much rock in the past and made your father cry because you would run around in punk fashion. It seems your cousin sometimes blackmails you with pictures of it, so Jeffrey-san, how do you face your dark history? If there is any way to deal with dark history from the far past, by all means, I would like you to tell me. (Sechiko-san)

Sechiko-san, hello! From the way that you came in casually gouging your advisor’s wounds, I can see that you are the angelic little devil type of character, just like me. I can’t hate you, damn—! About how to face and deal with your dark history, hmm, this doesn’t restrict the possibility that “the present will be dark history when I look back at it in the future” into an irrefutable condition, right? Human beings change from moment to moment, so if you think that your past and current selves have the exact same personality and nature, you’re bound to get burned. Isn’t it just fine if you act as if you were watching over one of your relative’s children, like, “You used to be like this back then, huh”? So, Ricky, how about you get rid of those photos already?! Hey, hey, hey? Can’t you?

Jeffrey-san, hello. My house is bustling with books. I have become familiar with electronics too, but in the end, I like paper books, and so I wind up collecting my favorite ones in paperback format as well. My childhood dream was to build a library inside my house and put a sofa in it so that I could read books there, but when I think about my housing circumstances, it seems unlikely to come true. Jeffrey-san, how do you keep control of your books? Also, what kind of books do you like? (Oh-gi-san)

Oh-gi-san, hello! Aah, someone who loves paper books, huh? You’re one of Henry’s. I’m on the tech side. The reason is that I’m always moving around, so the short and unappealing option of having as little baggage as possible is better for me. But if I could take time for it, I’d like to read a leather hardcover book in front of the fireplace while having some cognac. I have only been reading newspapers, magazines, reports and essays for the last ten or so years now, so if I had time, I guess I’d try challenging myself to read a thick full-length novel for once. I’m thinking about asking my cousin for recommendations on Japanese literature. Makes me nostalgic; I don’t remember anymore when it was, but I just recalled that I really did think about asking him this before. Books are nice, aren’t they? They’re always nostalgic in some way. Well, adieu!

Jeffrey-san, hello! This is sudden, but I am very indecisive. When I am shopping, I worry over it, like, “Which one is better? Should I be buying this now?”… and in the end, I buy nothing. What can I do to improve my resolution? (YuiKa-san)

You’re asking me!? Just kidding. YuiKa-san, hello. You asked me advice because you want to change your indecisive self, right? I think it’s probably because you already understand that “not having resolution is a type of resolution in itself”. Time passes even while you can’t decide, and things get decided on their own! Just like when I had to choose whether or not to interfere in my cousin’s wedding. I’m sorry; the topic got heavy. I believe, YuiKa-san, that you think you’re the one who has to decide what the range of your choices is at least, even if you know that you won’t get a perfect result out of it. That is commendable. I respect you.

I think the way to improve your resolution is to have many regrets. The more you experience things that will make you think, “I don’t want this to happen ever again”, the more you will be filled with the self-realization that it was better to have made a decision rather than not, so you will become able to make straightforward choices. Bluntly put, if you live your life with your eyes open, your resolution will definitely improve. You’ll be fine. Did that answer the question? It’s an improper advice, so it’s okay if you say it didn’t. Just kidding. Adieu!

What should I do in order to make friends with someone who is apart from me in age and into all sorts of genres? (Ninoka-san)

Ninoka-san, hello. You want a friend with an age gap who’s into many genres, right? What kind of friend would that be? Someone who seems to be having fun with themselves? Someone who has a field of expertise where they won’t lose to anyone? If you have an idealized image that has you going, “This is it!”, then you should try to be like that first! Posting about it on social media while being careful of literacy is also good. If you do that, my, what a mystery – people who want to be friends with you and salesmen will come your way in swarms! If what you want isn’t a “friend” but “personal connections”, this should undoubtedly work. If you really want a friend, then I don’t recommend choosing them like they’re a support item. Because they’ll turn into someone that you can’t see as anything other than a support item, like me. Have a fun life! Well, adieu.

#housekishou richard shi no nazo kantei #the case files of jeweler richard #jeweler richard #richard ranashinha de vulpian #jeffrey claremont #richard #my translations #fanbook

[simphibians]

this is my submission for @dagdagsims beguiling the heirs bachelor challenge (?) this is admittedly WAY more than i’ve done for any sim i’ve made.. ever LMAO but once i got started i couldn’t stop so .... enjoy my sim babies, under the cut is a massive “interview” i made so @dagdagsims could get a better feel how they present themselves 

Camping or Binge Watching Shows at Home?

Ashlyn: watching shows at home all the way,,, well it would depend on where and how we were camping, would it be camping or glamping? and the weather? If it was nice.. maybe, but if it was humid? gag no huge pass then 

Fin: watching shows, I do not have time for all those bugs, ugh I’m getting the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it 

Coffee Cup or Thermos?

Ash: Thermos I’m on the go far too much for that.

Fin: coffee cup, for me thermos just leave this... metallic taste? if I need to take my coffee I use a reusable cup rather than a thermos, because I’m not too worried about temp control, I only drink it iced

. Soup or Sandwich?

Ash: weather dependant 

Fin: Yeah, very weather dependant, I will not eat a deli sandwich when it’s snowing out, now am I? 

While walking: Music or Podcasts?

Ash: music all the way, I would get too distracted in podcasts.

Fin: podcasts, I think I would end up dancing rather than walking if I had music

At a movie: Candy or Popcorn?

Ash: Popcorn,,, oooo the possibilities are endless. Plus, who said you couldn’t add candy TO the popcorn ;) 

Fin: ... Ash.. you.. astonish me sometimes.. also neither, I don’t care all that much for snacky foods, I’m a health junkie in its sorts

Tablet or Computer?

Ash: neither. my phone

Fin: depends on my workload, if I have loads to do I feel more productive on my computer as I’m almost,, locked? to a certain area, because my tablet I can go anywhere, so I find myself distracted 

Toilet paper: over or under?

Both at the same time: under.

Working Alone or Working in a Team?

Ash: team for sure, it’s no fun doing things alone

Fin: I don’t connect to people in the same way Ashlyn does, but it would be impossible to run my nonprofit alone. 

Okay! Just a last few more serious questions and we’ll send you on your way, how’s that sound?

Ash: Let’s do it

Fin: ha.. ha sure! 

What drew you to meeting Atticus and Imogen? 

Ash: oh! easy! my PR manager brought up the show to me and I was making fun of it but Fin here dared me to join! but now the more I read about Imogen the more I get this little pang of excitement, I love meeting new people and I make my living off of traveling and doing just that, so I’m just excited to travel, meet a beautiful woman, and whatever comes out of it, comes out of it. y’know?

Fin, crazy blushing mess: I.. well.. *clears throat* Ash showed me the flyer for the production and me being me thought nothing of it besides daring her to join, I forgot who I was talking to and my brain clicked as hers lit and I realized at that point she was going to give me puppy dog eyes until I followed with her. So here I am, not as cute as her story, I’m... a little nervous? I feel like this thing is out of my comfort zone, but first and foremost I would do almost anything for ash, and... I will not lie... Atticus... mmm.. let’s just leave it there if ya get me

What’s something you want to learn or wish you were better at?

Ash:.. hm... I wish I was better at slowing down and taking things in the moment, I’m always on the go, and while that brings me nice opportunities and I’m not ungrateful for the experiences I get to take part in but I find myself in situations where I’m not living in the moment or for myself but for others and sometimes I wish I could just... I don’t know disappear into the selvadorian jungles for a moment, go off-grid and recoup, okay now that I’m thinking maybe not the jungle, bugs, humidity, hmm nope. maybe I’m destined to be a cottage core lesbian? eh? *laughs* 

Fin: I feel like wanting to learn or be better at things is just a normal human experience, like... what’s life if you’re not addressing things and adapting to the surrounding changes? so I just wish I had a more natural ability to adapt as changes are anxiety-inducing but I realize things change for a reason.. so perhaps I wish I was better at accepting change, and god an instrument I want to learn an instrument, we have a piano at our house that ash drug in from god knows where but I’m TERRIFIED to touch it!!! I’m inept to musical abilities, trust me, you don’t want to be around when I’m singing in the shower might lose the ability to process a decibel or two after that! 

Alright, guys! Just one last question, what are some personality quirks you’d like the producer and show team know about yourself that hasn’t been touched on?

Ash: uh... To be honest, I can adapt to everything? I like an enjoyable challenge; I’m not shy, I’m an open person, but besides that, I feel confident in how I’ve expressed myself. 

Fin: nope! I think we’re wonderful; we got it all, gay dads, trans, queer, deaf, oh vegetarian I am very vegetarian, meat .... animal meat, grosses me out I can’t, I used to as a kid but god I don’t miss it, yuck the blood, I despise it! But other than that, I too feel hopeful in my character representation, so... that’s it?

That’s it, guys! Thank you so much for your participation, I’m excited for you guys to meet the twins, it’ll be exciting to see how this blossoms, or fails? Who knows?!

#idk what to tag this #ts4 #dagdagsims #submission #?? #dk bro