#and I cannot allow myself to go through that literal agonising hell and mental torture ever again

[aqua-soap]

I can make it until tomorrow. It will be fine. I will have help. I will not be alone. It will be over one day because I know I can get better. Pls don’t reblog, just posting this here because I’m in a desperate metal place right now and don’t want to share these thoughts on my main blog, but I want to put them out there to feel less alone.

#don’t rb #my mind is sending me to terrifying places again and I can’t explain how scary and horrific the experience is #it’s unbelievable and indescribable #utter horror #serious #mental health #I can’t believe it’s like his sometimes I just cannot handle it and need escape but I cannot under any circumstance let myself to start #thinking of anything suicide related because it will only send me to a worse and even scarier place #and I cannot allow myself to go through that literal agonising hell and mental torture ever again #I can’t believe such mental suffering is possible in a species created by nature #it doesn’t feel like it should be possible. it doesn’t make any sense. what’s the point. it seems to cruel even for nature #which fucks with me even more because it just reinforces that something is deeply wrong with the universe and reality and hell and my own #existence #so obviously that has more bad effects #I’m articulate now but earlier today when I tried talking on the phone to a nurse I was sent into a trance and so confused and unclear #I’m assuming my mind does that to protect me or something but idk I’m not a professional #I literally have no choose but to desperately think as positive as I can because for me it’s not a choice but a matter of saving my life #it’s not fucking funny cool cute or edgy in the slightest to experience something like this and when ppl wear it like a badge I fucking #doubt they’ve ever had the mental hell that I have because if they had they wouldnt even be able to joke about it because I’m not. #it’s THAT bad. #there are no words