#and I despise how he makes me feel-

[jade-of-mourning]

sorry sometimes i think about mako and my heart hurts so much. this kid raised himself and his brother on the streets in homelessness and utter poverty from eight through fifteen, promptly after seeing the violent death of his mother and father. he turned to the triple threats because they couldn't survive as a pair of wretched kids without any adult support, and the environment forced him to turn into the exact character that killed his parents in a terrible twist of irony. and after sheer-fucking-luck hits and they aren't homeless anymore, their livelihood wavers on the outcome of what's a literally game to everyone but them; and after things are finally starting to look up and their team is going places and things just might be okay, his gradually stabilizing world unceremoniously expands and everything goes to shit.

and the city that chewed him up and spat him back out, ruined him as a child and took away his ability to stay afloat in a true sense of normalcy as an adult — when it's on the verge of destruction and falling to pieces before his eyes, he gives himself to save it with the full expectation to die. he went from the kid who didn't and couldn't care about anything outside of himself and his brother, to finding redemption for his younger self in his police work despite its injustice against him, to willingly sacrificing himself to a world that had never loved him.

he's a desperate people pleaser, socially and emotionally stunted for the adult he had to be as a kid, unable to navigate interpersonal relationships easily yet still trying his damned hardest. he's intensely and entirely devoted to the things that matter to him and for so long it was only him, bolin, and ensuring their survival — yet by the end, that devotion has expanded to protecting the rest of the world. he starts out entirely self-reliant and ends in trusting the people he cares about to know their own needs, to be able to take care of themselves, to be okay without him despite having spent so much of his life defined by his role in others' well-being.

just. what the fuck i'm such a big fan of this fictional guy and i'm unashamed about it at this point. also let him cry please (if you won't i'll do it i'll let him cry)

#lychee's brain trash #mako lok #mako tlok #sorry for the shitpost i don't do a lot of those i realize #how tf did this guy not had a massive break down in canon at any point #nd like;; he never shows resentment for the unfairness of it all #he doesn't ever use his past to excuse any of his choices/actions that are influenced by it #which is pretty intrinsically linked to his relationship fumbles #he just quietly holds himself accountable and probably mildly despises himself haha #as much as i don't care for the love triangle it really does make complete sense in accordance to his backstory #anyway this is just a roundabout way of me expressing my salt at people writing him off as a malicious asshole lol #i literally cannot articulate the intense complex things his conjured up existence makes me feel #this does not even scratch the surface there is SO MUCH #i need to actually write the fifty fics that exist to my brain otherwise all these thoughts will never see the sun #trust that one day the avatar!mako au will emerge from my drafts;;; #and. you know. that one shot i've had in wip for the past 2.5 years #and the four other oneshots that will probably never be converted into actual words

[uncanny-tranny]

This might be controversial to some, but you cannot "tough love" your way to preventing suicide. You cannot have the attitude that people who complete suicide are selfish or are ungrateful or immature. If your mindset about suicide isn't coming from compassion rather than judgment, it won't help suicidal people. You will never help us with a slap on the wrist and a lecture about how we're awful for even thinking about completing suicide.

Suicide intervention starts with compassion and care.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #suicide #suicide tw #suicide mention tw #death tw #ask to tag (genuine) #since i have a foreboding feeling about this: please do not clown on this post thank you #my dad and i had a discussion about this and some of his stories made me sick... #...like he took a course on assisting and intervening those who are about to or are thinking of completing suicide... #...and they asked everybody in the class what they thought about suicide... #...and he said SO many people were saying how awful and selfish it was and holy fuck i was so angry hearing that... #...and i'm glad he talked about how he said his answer was that he can't say if it's bad or not... #i tried to include as many tags as i could but let me know if there are any i ought to include #genuinely i despise the way a lot of people talk about this subject. makes me sick to my stomach #i feel déjà vu writing about this so i may well have made a post like this. oh well though. too important to me

[mariathechosen1]

Was Anyone But You a good Much Ado About Nothing adaptation? No, not at all, but fuck it was fun!

#y’all know I have many thoughts about this play and these characters #but even though the movie didn’t completely live up to my expectations as an adaptation #I still really enjoyed it! #and I really despise all those people making posts about how sydney sweeney can’t act #idk it seems a little rude #my main problem is how they messed up the benedick and beatrice characterization and dynamic #I love that they played up the ex lovers thing (which is left up to interpretation in the play) #and i love love queer Hero and Claudio!!! #but their hatred of each other didn’t really pack the same punch as in the original #I suppose I wish they weren’t afraid to make the characters bigger assholes? #ya know- give them more flaws? #because right now the enemies part doesn’t really feel believable for big parts of the movie #They really could have leaned more into making Bea a bit of a cold and snappy mess (as she is in the original) #and Ben more of…ya know…actual human disaster who can’t commit #both of their characters in the play are driven by their desire never to marry and their distrust for the opposite sex #They included this a bit with Bea (her not believing in true love and all that) #but her break up with Jonathan (because he was too nice???) didn’t really convince me of it #They also keep insisting that Ben is a fuckboy but we never really see it demonstrated? #I personally don’t mind the fact that they changed up the whole ‘convincing them that the other secretly loves them’ bit #especially considering this is only loosely based on much ado #but I do think they made it a bit messy considering they included the gulling scenes but only as a joke #I wish they’d either leaned fully into the much ado plot or ditched it #I think what a lot of adaptations get wrong is that they’re either too afraid of leaning into their og media #or too afraid of seperating themselves from the og media #oh god I’ve reached the tag limit help #anyways- rant over #anyone but you #maria talks about things #much ado about nothing #beatrice x benedick

[bravevolunteer]

michael's physical fate mirroring his emotional trauma is so perfectly engineered to make me fucking insane and that choice was not intentional at AAAALLLL

#love writing a character with barely any/absolutely terrible source material with the rawest fucking concepts and symbolic threads ever. #it doesn't make me lose my mind at all #michael who has his insides hollowed out who is LITERALLY piloted around like a puppet only to be abandoned a shell of who he once was. #doomed to live on as something awful to stay hidden in shadows to despise looking in the mirror the sheer dissociation and dissonance that #comes with it. it is such a good symbolic mirror to how grief trauma and abuse has effected him how he can't look in the mirror without #seeing william. FEELING used after being beckoned to the warehouse under the promise of doing good and being of use and maybe even approved #of or loved only to have the last shred of a possible life taken from him. whatever william Intended in bringing michael to SL can you #imagine how emotionally devastating grappling with it was on TOP of literally fucking rotting. no wonder he finally decided on revenge. #this has been ping ponging around my brain all day and i could just let it keep spiraling sorry #⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc

[jils-things]

i went wandering off in my pokespe gallery and had to relieve how wonderful this scene played out. no kidding

please dont read the tags i got emotional there /lh

#the.plot felt a bit confusing to me admittedly but oras did so well in trying to make franticshipping incredibly satisfactory since #at the end of rs we couldn't really tell if they settled with each others feelings yet (APPARENTLY NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE PRIDEFUL AND DUMB/JJ) #but at least sapphire still had some thoughts about it but i was kinda mad WHY DIDNT RUBY GIVE HIS HALF OF THE FEELINGS PROPERLY!!! #WELL THIS HAPPENED WHERE HE OPENLY CONFESSES ABOUT HOW MUCH HE CARES ABOUT HER AND THE WHOLE WORLD CELEBRATED #in r/s they were constantly separated from each other by WILL BECAUSE they despise each other so much #in oras - after confessing - it literally ACHES for ruby to not see her like take a fucking shot everytime he says wheres sapphire???? #THEY WERE ALWAYS AWAY FROL EACH OTHER HERE AND HE FEELS SO GUILTY FOR EVERY TIME SAPPHIRE GETS HARMED #FOR EXAMPLE; FIGHTING WITH ZINNIA AND FALLING OFF THE ROCKET - LOSING HER VOICE - RUBY HOLDING THE SECRET FROM SAPPHIRE BY PROMISING STEVEN #LITERALLY EVERUTHING SHE DOES MAKES HIM FEEL ALL THE MORE GUILTY AND HE CANT EVEN TELL HER STRAIGHT HES SORRY BECAUSE THEY'RE LITERALLY #FUCKING AWAY FROM EACH OTHRHADHDHRHSBRBDBSHSHSHE #AND WHEN THEY FINALLU MEET UP VIA TROPIUS AND RAYQUAZA SHE TELLS HIM TO SHUT UP AND HOLD HIS EMOTIONS FOR NOW. THAT'S HOW DESPERATE HE WAS #TO SEE EHR AGAIN AHAHAHAHTDTHHGG IM SO INSANEEE #AND AT THIS MOMENT HE ALMOST EMOTIONALLY CONFESSES WITH TEARS HE DOESNT WANT TO LEAVE HER AGAIN BECAUSE WORST COMES TO WORST HE'LL NEVER SEE #HER IF HE TRIES TO SAVE THE WORLD BY HIMSELF FROM THE METEORRRRRR AKAAJAHAAJ #AND THATS WHY HE INVITES HER TO SAVE THE WORLD TOGETHER AS CORNY AS IT SOUNDS BUT ITS BECAUSE IF HE'LL DIE HE WANTS TO DIE WITH HER AAAHSGDV #AND SAPPHIRE'S REACTION WAS FAINTING WHICH TBH WAS A COMEDIC MOMENT FOR SUCH AN IMPACTFUL DIALOG FROM HIM BUT AJDHSJHDS MAKES ME HAPPY #y'all don't even get me started how this plays out when stevaide is in here DON'T EVEN #~ rambling #i just woke up and i chose violence (franticshipping) #pokespe hours

[debtsunpaid]

@asteritm / continued from here

party pooper. oh hey clarice, it's nice to hear from you! how are you? how's life? i'm doing really well, thanks for asking! crunch anything tasty lately? party pooper. drop the first t in texting, throw in an s actually. and he's still getting the hang of it but he can't get better without practice you know. what better time to do it when he's supposed to be paying attention? party pooper. — on a scale of one to five, how bad is it? one being distracted but functioning and five being cannot carry a conversation to save his life? i have to know, for record keeping purposes, and then yes — i might give him some breathing room. do you know how fun it is to drive a man a little insane with a picture or two? i bet you do, one way or the other. party pooper. whatcha talking about? anything fun?

[sms] handle with caution. gods, you even text the same. no wonder you two fuck like rabbits, it must be like screwing a mirror for him. not to impugn your good looks by comparison, darling — and of course, i'm delighted that you're well. how goes your training in ... whatever it is he claims to be teaching you? CS.

[sms] handle with caution. yes, yes, i'm well aware of the context. and the contents. and his password, much to his dismay. artfully posed, by the way; what i wouldn't give to have your body. CS.

[sms] handle with caution. oh please, child. it's the easiest game in the world. with men, you'll reach the madhouse long before you could ever hope to reach the truth, every time. and no, i cannot think of anything i would rather do less than rate the depths of john constantine's lust, thank you ever so much for asking. CS.

[sms] handle with caution. business of course, what else? although that particular discussion seems to have effectively stalled, at present, thank you again. as much delightful nostalgia and secondhand embarrassment as i'm finding in the ... sordid details of your extracurricular activities, need i point out, to you of all people, that it would be far more professional to get it on on your own time? rather than, for example, mine? CS.

[sms] handle with caution. [IMG ATTACHMENT] besides, your man here is already averaging a 3.5 over little more than a tasteful glimpse of cleavage and a quarter-body shot — i'm sure you can do better than that. than him, for that matter. CS.

[sms] handle with caution. i know, i know, dreadful of me. and i did say i wouldn't pry. the heart wants what it wants, i suppose, regardless of such ... trivial hurdles as simple rational thought. i can relate to that, at least, but i do wish you'd let me set you up with at least one of the more ... lucrative matches on hand. after all, even if it didn't pan out, it couldn't hurt to keep up at least an appearance of availability, in your position, hm? CS.

#asteritm #clarice (a vampire of youthful essence): what i wouldn't GIVE to have your body #me (laughing nervously): like. like figuratively orrr...... #also this woman wrote 'i'm delighted' with a completely straight face i just need to put that out there for posterity's sake #god i LOVE writing this nasty bitch already but the end of every sentence feels so SLIMY!!! #remember how u were talking about lilly having to hear all the shit people say about john? clarice is definitely one of those people #although whether she does it to provoke a reaction or because she actually despises him......who can say really. definitely not john #clarice vc: i've all but adopted you already girlie and now you want to make JOHN CONSTANTINE my SON IN LAW? EUGH. #(2nd tinier clarice vc: if you're not as serious about him as he is about you? i'm coming after you. teehee) #CLARICE TXT. ( a death defier hanging on a burning tether line. ) #CLARICE V.01. ( HELLBLAZER. ) #CLARICE ARC 01. ( THE BLOODY CONSTANTINES. ) w. ( asteritm & talentforlying. )

[that-was-anticlimactic]

there’s something so sacred about sharing what you love with others: whether it be a song or food or clothes, a show or a movie or pictures. it's just... such a deep and personal thing, you know? having someone carve out a little part of their heart and gift it to you with an abundance of joy and excitement and passion... yeah.

#i lowkey had an awful day today lol #and it was my first day taking over as teacher so that's a great way to start it #there are people in seventh period who literally despise me and maybe that's an exaggeration but i looked over their creative writing for #the day and one of those kids literally wrote about how he was having a good day but then it turned into a bad day when i started the #creative writing with them so that was great and other stuff happened idk and one of my tics was really... uh... present today and i was so #aware of it and i feel like everyone was laughing at me because of it even tho ik that was just me being self-conscious but God i wanted to #cry and i shared a piece of my heart with them today for the creative writing exercise and so many of them just. told me how awful it was #like someone straight up started with 'this song is terrible' and then proceeded to write a paragraph about how bad it was #idk. it made me feel like a young kid again - sitting by myself on the playground and reading books. like i was in middle school and #everyone was telling me that the things that i loved were stupid. like i was a kid getting teased just lowkey enough that the teachers #couldn't tell because it wasn't necessarily outright bullying but they were making fun of what i loved which Hurts and then i was in high #school having to defend what i love and then in college hearing 'you ruined this for me because you liked it too much' and it just. idk. #it hurts. i find sharing passions and what i love with others so sacred and important and it Hurts when they just tear it and you down and #ik they're juniors and ik there will always be people like that but it was constant and idk. i'm just sad lol #so anyways even if someone shares something with you that you don't like there is literally No reason to be rude about it. you're allowed #to say you dislike it but it's not okay to just tell them straight up it's stupid or awful or you'd rather get hit by a car than hear the #song again. hm. ig i have some unresolved trauma lol #sorry for the rant y'all i just. needed to rant ig idk

[soo-won]

Il like yeah I don't like Suwon because of his vibes and because his 8 years old ass won't put my daughter above the country my grown ass is unable to rule decently :/ But what I find curious is how no one ever ask why Il didn't, just maybe, prioritized his nephew, that he's the only adult relative of now(because of who i ask you!!) just a bit more ? like you know. He's supposed to be his uncle. God forbid this child have other priorities than his cousin in life but the adult in his 40/50s has a free pass to not be a responsible adult with his orphaned nephew.

If Il had lingering resentment over how Yuhon planned to kill Yona and felt like it was only fair he wouldn't treat his brother's son as family either, that could have been something interesting to explore. but it doesn't. And instead of being honest about the reasons why he "just can't do" with Suwon, he blames it all on Suwon himself. Who again is a child that just lost his two parents and is holding a faction of people that would very much commit a regicide immediatly if he wasn't holding them by the scruff of the neck.

#il not liking how two faced suwon is w him like pls first look urself in a mirror and second how the fuck do you want him to behave exactly. #like maybe if you had told him directly you would be a shit king for kouka that wont even try he would have been honest sooner yeah #sorry for bringing this up i got reminded of il without my consent and was plagued with ch197 flashbacks #it's funny to me that kusa def wrote it with the intent of making the readers sympathize and feel for il but every page made me angrier #and i didnt even think it was possible bc i already despised him a lot #even if suwon was really an evil 'sociopath' you would have to brainwash me first for me to stop taking the side of the 9 yo child. #who happens to be my fave so yes im biased but like i would genuinely feel this way even if he wasnt #i just wouldnt still be talking about it 3 years later(wdym 3 years!!!!) #im a changed person today im actually calm and not upset writing this #akayona thoughts

[nana2009]

How long have you been into homestuck

uuuh my first ever mention of it to my moirail was in early november 2021 so i'd say about nearly 3-4 years??

fun fact at first i hated dave so much because he was SOOO annoying i couldnt stand his ass lmao

also i used to think karkat was his patron troll for some reason??? crazy times

#i would refer to them as 'dave and his troll' #one possessive motherfucker to this day eh? wink wink wink #and i bothered my close classmates too ofc #thank god i grew out of the phase of making two of my buddies voice act comics with me can you imagine the disaster #i cant describe into words how much i DESPISED dave because he reminded me so much of my male classmates too #which has a pint of a nostalgic feel to it which i guess is what made me warm up to him a lil #like annoying in an endearing way #now im sounding like how karkat thinks lol(???) #ask

[starpros-sunshine]

Actually it is astounding the about of leverage Wataru has on Eichi I think the amount of stuff he could use to guilt Eichi into doing something really speaks as a testament to how much he loves that guy. They've been through All That and Wataru is still so smitten with Eichi if I wasn't so pissed with Eichi right now I would be crying on the floor in a puddle of my own tears.

#I loathe guilt tripping I despise it I hate it so so much you don't even know #I'm so done with it I'm so incredibly done with it #but like. Wataru has material.he could if he wanted to #he's not a scumbag though so he wouldn't #not seriously I mean #there's a fine line between a joke to make someone feel a little bad about something they fucked up #like when he mentioned he cried himself to sleep after that ep:link rooftop scene that wasn't a guilt trip to me #rhat was just a 'I would like you to know that your actions kind of hurt me' #not a genuine guilt trip #there's a difference #i think #wataei #but yeah no Eichi better be aware of just how much Wataru loves him #Eichi Tenshouin that man is the best thing that has ever happened to you and will ever happen to you do. not. fuck. this. up. #I hate cursing I really don't like it but it has to be done from time to time #I don't like the way the words sound if other people do it I don't care but I just don't really like doing it

[ozlices]

im like sincerely so sorry bc my most shameful flaw is that envy is one of my favorite characters in the entirety of fma which is like. listen it's genuinely irredeemable but she knew exactly what she was doing when she made envy the pinnacle of gender envy bc my non-binary ass is NOT immune to feeling the gender envy to the highest degree for that little freak

#mine #i feel less ashamed for being hornee abt shin tsukimi do u understand. how humiliating that is. #literally dont even perceive me this is my greatest sin ok AT LEAST IM SELF AWARE #THEY LITERALLY DO ALL THE MOST HEINOUS SHIT IN THE ENTIRE SERIES NEXT TO KIMBLEE #AND THEY /BOTH/ GET OFF ON IT TOO WHICH MAKES IT WORSE #BUT THEYRE JUST SO PAINFULLY GENDER IM TOO WEAK TO RESIST #i want their voice. i want it so bad it's so painful i hate them so much. but i also adore them. and hate myself for that #she was targeting ME SPECIFICALLY when she made them frfrfrfr #fma #i hesitate to even put this in a tag but i feel like other trans ppl will get it. right. u get it right or am i just a lonesome fool #also. js. i hate kimblee. i fucking DESPISE kimblee actually. worst piece of shit ever in the whole series. #i actually got mad bc i forgot just how long he lasts in the series. FAR TOO LONG IF U ASK ME. #& also. i. feel like. i should get points too bc envy is rly the only absolute irredeemable piece of shit i actually enjoy #bc usually. i am a sheep. & i HATE them. but. i am also a sheep. to gender envy. sooooo. unsurprising exception. #but like otherwise unless u wanna count like my man dracula from castlevania which i feel like is not comparable bc he was VALID #envy is the only villain i actually truly like. any other 'villain' i like is more... morally grey. or. understandable. u know. u get it. #anyway. dont ever perceive me for this im ashamed #& also no the irony of having the mention of jealousy/envy as a my most strict boundary & yet having the literal embodiment of envy #as one of my fav characters in my favorite anime of all time is not lost on me. i am a walking contradiction we all know this #at least they're not THE favorite. u can take a very predictable guess on who that title goes to

[afieldinengland]

.

#i’m starting to wonder if i hate myself for having been born a transsexual #it’s not shame— but there’s something in the way i think about myself that’s deep and bitter. i don’t know. well i’ve never enjoyed myself #in general. i’ve never been ashamed of it and i’ve never been proud of it in fact i hate talking about it entirely #and i’ve realised i don’t even like thinking about it too deeply. too knee-deep in history’s men-image #(by which he means richard ii and oscar wilde and injured knights with long hair and poets on laudanum and artists on cocaine) #i feel sick. it isn’t a sickness because i can’t be ‘cured’ and i don’t want to be and it’s intrinsic but modern vocabulary feels heavy in #my mouth and puts me in a petri dish. even ‘transsexual’ feels like uber modern parlance sometimes. i can’t do it #but that’s the word. just sometimes i think it would have all been easier if things had gone otherwise. and i know that makes me bad at thi #i have to speak to you in your language. and i don’t know what i mean by that or even where that thought comes from. it’s your language #i should be in the bronze age right now i’m sorry i got waylaid. i got lost #i can’t stop being it but if i think too much about it i start wanting to eat my own fingers and i think— and this is my hypothesis— #it’s because i’ve never enjoyed myself i’ve never been in a healthy relationship and i can’t remember the last time i had fun #but then that’s another thing i’m not made for. that’s a lie there is a desperate aesthete in here who has been so starved of hedonism for #as long as i’ve had him that he’s hoarse. i’m tired i’ve been walking for nine hundred years my feet hurt #i don’t know. why me why now et cetera. i’m just wondering if i don’t despise myself a bit for it— like it’s a trick i did in a past life #again. it’s a privilege. it’s more intrinsic to my personhood than blood type or astigmatism or that weird thing i have with my hip #and i could be proud of it if only i could work out how. i’m content— in the same way i’m content with everything— but i don’t know. #i don’t like talking about it i don’t like thinking about it because it feels like i’m losing the game i’m constantly playing against mysel #in my head. i’m my own personal spin doctor you see #whatever. sorry. in light of doing better i can get this out too. can you believe i haven’t been kissed in years

[thatcrazycrowgirl]

Make Me Choose

@assassins-and-hidden-blades asked: Crawford Starrick or Maxwell Roth

“I would supply all of London, if I could. Meanwhile, you sit in your club and wax poetic with promises your honor cannot pay. Your family’s fortune, however... I wonder what they would offer to keep your record out of the newspapers? About the same as Disraeli would offer for your balls, I’d wager. But let’s be generous, why limit ourselves to one or the other, when we can have it all? What say you, sir? Shall I come collect?”

#yes I do hate some of the things Starrick has done #but he also has some badass moments too and I can't help but agree with a few things he has said #and I actually did feel some sympathy for him after what happened to Pearl #besides; my dislike for Starrick PALES in comparison to how much I DESPISE Roth #ESPECIALLY for what Roth did to Jacob #I just...I can't with him #so yeah; this is my choice! lol #Crawford Starrick #Assassin's Creed Syndicate #Make Me Choose #my ac gifs

[transboykirito]

1) a reminder that just bc someone cosplays a character doesn’t mean they condone that character’s actions

2) this cosplay gave me so much gender euphoria like i legitimately teared up lol

he’s still unfinished, but here’s an oberon cosplay lmao. i actually made the outfit for a high school sewing project 2 years ago, then i dropped out so. i just… never bothered to do the cosplay xD so he’s here now!! this is actually my lucy wig and i didn’t want to cut that and not be able to use it for her, i know it isn’t styled for him “-_- i’ll finish making his crown and wings soon and i’ll buy a wig for him once they’re finished, but for now i’m actually pretty satisfied with how it came out??

i still hate him as a character, obviously, but i always liked his design and he gives me a lot of gender envy. plus, this is kinda like another way for me to take away the power from my trauma, i guess? this and my titania cosplay mean a lot to me for that reason.

#i guess this is more of a costest than a cosplay to be fair #i just got super dysphoric tonight and my ggo kirito doesn’t fit anymore and he was my comfort cosplay #so i just… found the only other dude cosplay i have lmao #also nobody taught me how to do eyeshadow so i kinda just learnt myself and this is like the 4th time i’ve done my eyeshadow so like. #idk i’m happy with how my makeup looks and it doesn’t make me feel too feminine which is nice #i would have tried contour but i have no contour. *cries* #also if/when i cosplay him again i’ll swap out my jewellery for gold stuff i just have no gold lip rings lol #also also i'm holding my arm like that because i was trying to cover my chest okay skxvsksvx #also also also my nose is red because i got makeup in my piercings and theyre irritated #can you tell i'm rambling in these tags bc i'm nervous to post this #this isnt me condoning his actions okay i despise this character. i think he looks cool. #i posted this on instagram and i'm terrified to get any comments on it i have to post it here now oh god

[lordelmelloi2]

I wrote all that stuff yesterday about being lonely and coping and then proceeded to get into an argument with my father over text in which he said I didn’t deserve his or my stepmom’s love & attention bc of something I can’t even remember that happened when I was severely mentally ill like 8 years ago so I’m like. Well. Emotionally crushed. Happy birthday to Rose tomorrow I guess 

#How am I supposed to feel joy about being alive when the people who brought me into this world don't even treat me like a human being #And then my father still refuses to admit his role in the conflicts we've had #Or that his method of approaching emotional matters is abusive #I'm just like. sick to death of all of this... #sorry I swore to not like write about stuff as they happen anymore on this blog but this is so soul crushing to me to just have it like #admitted up front like this by my father. like okay awesome great Both my parents actively despise me for not being their Ideal Child #both my parents refusing to acknowledge the ways they've made me mentally ill and constructively work on it OR get me therapy #and then being upset when that has consequences. the lack of foresight with both of them is making me insane #If You Had Listened To Me. And Gotten Me In Therapy. Things Would've Been Better. Why Are You So Fucking Obstinate About That #note that my father doesn't even know I have DID because he doesn't believe we have severe mental illness at all he just thinks we're like #intrinsically choosing to be fucked up all the time for some reason #I just feel so sick to my stomach anymore like cool awesome both my parents admit they do not think I deserve love at all. Okay #Okay awesome we're in Rose is Inherently Undeserving of Love World. That's the world we live in #Cool great thanks I'll just live the Rest of my Life desperate to figure out how to be Deserving of Love. And devour myself in that Cycle #Awesome the fact that Rose was born is a Scourge on the World I guess because I am an Inherently Bad Person because I was Born. Great! #okay enough tag spamming fuck life i am going to go eat a turkey sandwich but ugh fuck. fuck everything fuck being alive