#and ONLY gained lbs again bc i was MISERABLE i was so so MISERABLE and i didn't want to LIVE

[suchabeautifulbrokensmile]

Dear Ed,

You took over my life when I was fifteen. When I was seventeen I started to self harm because I couldn’t handle all your comments, I thought I was going crazy. Between restricting, binging and purging, volleyball, and school I had no time for my family. I started to distance myself, from everyone but my grandma of course. I started to argue with my mom, and wishing I was dead. Homecoming sophomore year I remember you kept telling me how ugly my dress was, I was so fat. So I stayed home. Junior year I was able to ignore you, but senior year you were right back at again with the nasty comments. Although I went to senior prom, I left early and slept all weekend instead of going to Ellicotville with my friends and having the time of my life. I should’ve been drunk that weekend making memories, instead I was keeping track of calories crying in my room. That’s when I was my lowest weight and you loved it. I was miserable. Then it was time to convince everyone that I was okay. I needed to go away to college so I had more control over my eating, and we did it. They bought it, to everyone I was healthy again. But I wasn’t. You did really well teaching me how to be sneaky with my food. Getting rid off it, sometimes I would be surprise with the things I came up with. I was putting food in my shoes, my backpack, my purse, or in the toilet. That’s when I became bulimic. You turned me bulimic. You taught me to eat everything, then get rid off it. You said no one would notice or care what I ate as long as I was eating. But for my own well being I had to get rid off it, no one was going to love a fat girl. Summer came and it was time to go to Brockport, I was fine for two weeks, then I got the routine and started to plan when and where I was able to purge. I had to eat because I would go to the dinning hall with people and sit with people, and that was the only way to eat food. If I ordered anything everyone would know. Everything was very public in college. But after I learned everyone’s routine in my hall I was able to go back to my old habits. Earliest classes started at 8, ROTC kids had to be out by 5am, I would use the bathroom at 3:55am. Latest classes ended at 9:15pm, and not many people showered before bed (I have no idea why) and in my hall not many liked to use the first bathroom, the water pressure wasn’t good, so only this girl Lauren used it, and I knew she would go to bed at 10, so at 11pm I would go turn every shower on and purge. RA did rounds at 7pm, 12pm, and 2am. I was good. My relationship with naziah made it all even worse. He became Ed in real life. Would point out every single flaw, would take food away from me, and would tell me to go to the gym. When we dated I didn’t have to follow my purging schedule. He made me his own. I fainted walking down the hall with my friends, literally just walking and I got a concussion. I was sent to the hospital and I came up with some bs story. Then another story for my mom, and another for my primary Doctor. I was a mess. But I was skinny, and you loved it. Naziah liked it too. Naziah got kicked out, and six months later grandma died. You took advantage of my weakness. I couldn’t think properly, all I wanted to do was die, and I tried… And I wasn’t successful.

Sophomore year came around, and because of you, Ed, I wasn’t able to live with my best friends, instead I chose random people. I didn’t want maddie to worry. We didn’t want maddie to worry bc she would’ve made it stop. Leaving in the suites was soooo much easier. Omg that’s when you were the happiest. We finally had our own bathroom. But that’s also when I started to drink even more than usual. I only needed a few shots to get drunk, and you liked it because it was even easier to purge, and people found it so normal. I didn’t had to come up with excuses. Between binging and purging I gained 37 pounds in a month. By the time I got home I was 197 lbs. none of my clothes fit, I had high blood pressure. My headaches started to keep me from being around people all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. I had no energy to purge anymore. I had no energy to even blink. I came home and went on a diet. It worked I lost 13 pounds so I kept doing it when I got back to school, and I started to hit the gym. That’s when it all got even worse. I would spend hours and hours at the gym. I would skip classes to work out. I don’t understand why you made me do that, I wasn’t even losing weight.

Junior year came around and I got a house with some friends. You took over my life, completely. And I never left my house. I skipped most classes, I spent my time in the bathroom floor. No energy to walk to classes, or go out. But somehow I was always drunk. I didn’t even have to leave my house. I would’ve wine instead of water. I saw my counselor Katie but all we talked about was my depression, I didn’t tell her about my eating disorder until the morning after I was in the hospital. I realized you were taking over my life. And I wasn’t ready to die. I am not ready to die. Sometimes I think death is the easiest way out, the only way you’ll stop talking to me, and dictating my every move. But there has to be another way. Which is why I am at a treatment center right now. I loved you Ed. You made me feel special for many years. You loved me when no one else did. Every time my dad let me down you were there to pick me up. When I lost the most important human being you were there. Through every single step. Every night before a test you were the only thing that helped me feel better. But it’s time for me to make myself feel better. I am capable of doing this for me. I need to depend on myself for my own happiness. I will miss you. But I can’t live my life depending on you. I need to move on. I understand that there will be times that we will cross paths in the future but I hope they aren’t long, I hope you disappear. Don’t go take over someone else’s life, please do not do that. Just go away, please. Please go away. I don’t remember life without you, and it is difficult to think about it. But I love new experiences, and I love adventures and this is something that I am willing to try. I just need you to please leave me alone. Because of you high school was rough, and so were my first three years of college. Let me be a normal human for once, let me enjoy my senior year. Let me live life. Please

We all know therapy wasn't working, I tried for the last six years. Every therapist irritated your soul, which eventually became mine, and then I couldn't tell them apart. I lied to everyone, I used to say exactly what they wanted to hear so they could tell my mom I was better again. But it never lasted. This is why I decided to do partial hospitalization, I don't want to be in a hospital but I'm not well enough to be on my own. And it's all because of you. I don't hate you. I don't. I wish I did. I'm tired of you. I wouldn't change a thing, bc without You I wouldn't be the strong person I am right now, but I could have and will have such a better future once I separate myself from you. I can already feel the relieve. Ed, you make my anxiety and depression worse than they should be. You make my life so much harder. I need recovery to work. That's all I want. I want peace in my own head for once. Don't make me push Christine away, don't make me push Krista away. They are actually helpful. For once I found people I can actually trust. Dr. Lesh, they all want to help me. And I need to let them, but I need you to leave. I want to be healthy. I can't live a life wanting to die every minute because of my appearance. I can't. I wish I could see what other people see but because of you, I can't.

Please Ed, let me live my life the way I want to, let me be me. Let me be free.

Gee

#letter to Ed #personal