#and a one time tag i can’t leave out

[reikunrei]

when it’s about queerness it’s “groundbreaking and powerful and beautiful high art that’s going to change the world” but when it fumbles topics of race and class and disability and copaganda it’s “not so serious omg it’s just a tv show why do you have to make so much drama about it” like do you see your own dunce cap in the mirror

#that post by user sayyourprayers already had one good angle on this about the gangrene metaphor #and you can’t separate the bad thing from the whole thing and leave the whole thing as good #that’s not how it works. it permeates the entirety of the work #but I’m specifically thinking about the hypocrisy within fandom spaces to treat one part of it with heaps of respect #and then pretend the other part doesn’t deserve that same respect #i say things #stranger things // #anyway I also wasn’t kidding about the tip jar tag earlier if you ask or expect poc to point this stuff out and talk about it over and over #then you should give them literal money for their time and effort LOL

[simgerale]

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

#hi everyone #I’m going around hugging you all #okay now that we are gathered here today #i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best #i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time #and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol #but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine #literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything #I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake…. #I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour #then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it #and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again #I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do #so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour. #I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday #y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts #I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story #I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my #own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing? #y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents #.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire #but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself #I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump #I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions #I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well #I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day. #but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it #I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing #I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!! #I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time

[orchidyoonkook]

Personal

Hi.

How did you get over your quarter life crisis?

Because I’m trying not to fall into the vast unyielding void. And I’m failing hilariously.

#TAG RANT. CAN IGNORE. YOON JUST NEEDS TO GET HER THOUGHTS OUT. #filler tag to push the rest of the rant down past the cut off point. #i literally don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and I can’t decide anything. #do I stay in flowers #do I leave flowers #do I try and get into film again #do I move to Europe #or delay that and go back to school for the one thing that’s always brought me pure happiness #or do I move out of my city #but in all of this I have to consider my partner and what he wants #but I don’t know what to do. i don’t know what the right thing for me is and I can’t afford a therapist so I ramble on the internet in hopes #of a shiny beacon of something rings into my head and figures everyhting out for me #like. I’ll be 25 in April. a ways off. but I’m 25 and I haven’t done anything. i don’t know what I’m supposed to do?? i had a life plan that #was derailed so hilariously hard by COVID that cannot be mended. and this is the first time I haven’t had a plan or a solid goal and so now #I’m floating in the middle of the pacific wondering which direction to turn in hopes of finding land #i have nothing to work towards and I miss who I was. i want to be that again. i wanna be her again. but it’s so difficult to do that. #anyway. rant over. needed to get that out. thanks for reading if you did. #this actually made me feel a lot better hope moly.

[chirpsythismorning]

Saying gay Mike would be hated by the ga bc that would mean that he used El all those years, is homophobic, just like saying bi-Mike would be hated by the ga bc that would mean he could have just stayed with El if he is also attracted to girls, is biphobic.

Bylers using either of these as the basis for why their interpretation is most likely to play out in canon, just makes me cringe bc why are we even wasting time giving validation to homophobia/biphobia as having the last word for how the show has to play out?? Is that what it all comes down to then? Appeasing bigots??

Gays aren’t evil or trying to intentionally hurt others, least of all gay kids that are figuring out their sexuality. Let’s not act like being gay wasn’t seen as being broken or needing to to be fixed, meaning that going along with what society views as normal, was and still is seen as the only option for queer people in general. And I say queer people in general bc you don’t necessarily have to even be gay to experience questioning your sexuality and feeling like you have to do things because everyone else is. Arguably we all go through that! But especially gays in the 80’s bc for a lot of people back then, it was a matter of blending in to survive (for many it still is).

Bisexuals aren’t evil or trying to intentionally hurt others for falling out of love, losing feelings, or just merely not being attracted to/compatible with someone of the opposite sex. Straight people are capable of recognizing that they aren’t attracted to or compatible with every person they meet of the opposite sex. Does any of that make them less straight? No. So why is it so hard to understand it’s the same way for bisexuals and even queer people in general? Nobody, bisexual or otherwise should have to stay in relationships with someone they no longer have romantic feelings for, just bc they’re attracted to them or even were just confused and thought they were but it ended up not being enough?? Attraction is important, yes, but feelings are arguably even more so (especially when you have something else to compare it to, causing the dilemma in the first place). I mean look at Stancy/Jancy? Is Nancy viewed as problematic for being attracted to Steve and having deep feelings/being attracted to Jonathan, and having conflicting feelings about that? No! And so why should it be problematic for Mike?

The reality is, homophobes are going to hate Mike if he comes out as queer, regardless of whether he is revealed to be gay, bi or unlabeled.

This is why basing Mike’s sexuality on the backlash of bigoted audiences’ is a moot point to me.

I mean, as it is, most of the general audience already hates Mike as a result of his behavior in s3-4, and this is straight Mike we’re talking about! I’m obviously not referring to milkvans or Redditors, bc they only make up a minority of hardcore fans who hate byler and will defend Mike to the point of demonizing El. I’m talking about viewers that have seen the show once through each time a new season releases and then move on afterwards without being in online spaces. That is the majority. The majority of the general audience, homophobic or otherwise, does not like Mike anyways at this point. So, who the hell cares what they think about queer Mike in the end??? They’re already anticipating going into s5 and continuing to dislike him, so the argument that the show can’t do this or that bc those same people won’t like him?… That ship has already sailed.

If anything I could see the non-homophobic majority accepting queer Mike, regardless of what label he ends up identifying with, bc then at least it will finally give them some clarity about where that resentment they had for him was coming from, ie misunderstanding him completely and now finally getting some answers.

At the end of the day, bigots will do what they do best. They’ll make up any reason they can think of for why queer Mike is wrong. And so why should we base our interpretation of things on what will be more palatable to those that the show was never intended for in the first place?

#byler #gay bi mike discourse #just another Thursday in the byler tag #being a ‘remains to be seen’ truther is hard #so many are dead set one way or the other #and I just can’t defend ppl that have to shit on one to defend the other #like I’ll see a bi Mike take and be like I LOVE THIS but then it’ll end with something homophobic and it’s like ok nvm #like I just don’t see a need to tear down gay mike to get back at the problematic gay mike truthers #leave him out of it 😭 #seeing homophobia/biphobia doesn’t mean you get a free pass to inflict that hate casually #two wrongs don’t make a right in this scenario #I’m an I love mike wheeler no matter what he comes out as truther till the end #and I’m willing to entertain evidence that exists out there for both #but it’s hard to support both sides when at times it comes with this cloud of homophobia/biphobia #bc I just can’t subscribe to that #and when/if mike is revealed to be gay/bi/unlabeled #please don’t be hurtful to others that ended up being wrong #like… it’s just so gross out here sometimes #we’re all real people outside of this space let’s try to remember that #let’s make this space one that’s worthwhile for those that want to be apart of this community #otherwise it’ll cease to exist bc no one will want to be here

[fraberry-stroobcake]

is it gay to be so overwhelmed with emotions by thinking about someone you care about so much you almost want to pick up writing again

#- but also it’s night time and you can’t fall asleep even though you need to get up early #and you’re just stuck imagining the lines you want written down #so your only options are to do it now while they’re still there #or not and then forget all of them in the morning and cry #hi i’m the gay one help i haven’t been in this state in a while #i’m just in that state again somehow i guess #probably because i never got a chance to tell this person how something so small for them meant a world to me in that moment #i hope i’ll be able to tell you all that myself in a more direction way but i love you so much you mean the world to me #okay i don’t actually want to scare you off by saying that but knowing what my mind is imagining for this you’d think that yourself anyway #i should probably stop taking now it’s way too late and i’m being tooooo emotionally vulnerable rn #hi guys sleepy night time frab here i’m the (other) emotion + vulnerable one #don’t you love to see it #i wonder if anyone is still down here reading these tags #hi if you are! send aaaa hmmm send a little ‘£; e’ if you read to this point #also why r u still reading? weirdoooo /jk love you #but really don’t be down here too long i’m sorta bleeding all my feelings out right now #because i’m so bad at expressing myself directly and as soon as i want to #ugh i’ll leave now i’m lonely and talking to myself too much again #night night everpony #frabrant #wonder if i’ll write more again… ok i’m LEVAING now gah

[deus-ex-mona]

starting the year ✨wrong✨

#(this is about work ok. long rant in the tags bc auauauauauauauuauauauauauauauaaaaaaaa) #i’ve worked for just t h r e e (3!!!!) days this year and i think im already all burned out lmao #first i was stuck doing 2 workstations bc this freakin’ b o z o of a coworker decided to take the week off without prior notice #and *t h e n* the internal components of one of said workstations kicked the bucket and was only replaced today. sads. #rip to our wasted time and futile fixing efforts though. flashtag wetried #that’s not all t h o u g h i was told that i have to jump to the other work shift bc one of my coworkers is resigning #b u t the thing is. all of the other dudes in that shift are from [insert bordering country] and always speak in their nation’s language #so i won’t be able to communicate well with them for the most part ​esp s o bs #and if [insert country here] has a national holiday and a l l of them decide to take the day off.. #well. um. ahahahaha. im ✨screwed✨ #(but speaking of taking the day off… one of said guys on that shift has an approved leave for cny. which is funny bc he’s not even chinese) #(rips if the actual other chinese dude on that team has his leave request rejected bc of that guy lol. happy cny to him ig) #a n d also i was made to (sorta) teach these two new coworkers (of sorts) the workstation i’m at for the week #b u t the thing is. i do everything here by left (didn’t receive formal training either lmao sadge) #and i also couldn’t explain anything well in general bc it seems like my flow of thoughts can’t streamline itself ig #so i think i confused the poor guys more than anything. but like. why me??????? aaaauauaaaaaaaaaa #idk why one of them came back for more ‘education’ from me thoughhhhh #i’ve tried teaching ‘em stuff at another workstation before this and my feedback was ‘wait slow down you talk too fast’ s o o o o . #ig i’ll have to guide them though again in the morning though. sighs. this wasnt in my job description :( #speaking of job descriptions though… this h e l l a annoying guy no one likes who resigned a few months ago (to much rejoicing)… #is!!!!! coming!!!! back!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #w h y. like. w h y. why is he so attached to this company he l l o? why is our manager so attached to him helloooooooo????? why him??????? #our workloads literally t r i p l e when he’s around bc he’s just the way he is. auauauauauauauauaaaaaaaaaaaa #aaaaaaaaaaa i dont wanna work aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #science industry (derogatory) questionable laboratory conditions (derogatory) #felt cute; thought about retiring early idk

[pepprs]

just went thru all of the notes on that post and like. YEAH. it’s a fucking wonder. like i should get to scream. i should get to lie down. i should get to have as many treats as i want for free.

#purrs #menstruation tw #literally so tmi but the pain + digestive issues + constant paranoia abt leaking + pain + exhaustion because of blood loss + exhaustion beca #because of sleep deprivation because of pain + pain + discomfort + the mortifying ordeal of leaving the room with your purse or taking out a #heating pad and everyone knows why + being in situations where you CANT use a heating pad because you have to walk somewhere or meet in a di #different place + pain + the fact that i can’t just reschedule shit when im dealing with it and can’t schedule around it and there aren’t #social structures in place to make it easy to do that + the fact that you aren’t supposed to talk about it even though it is all consuming + #pain and pain and pain. and it happens EVERY MONTH and if it doesn’t happen every month then either you’re suppressing it and risking #consequences or you’re pr*gn*nt and definitely unequivocally experiencing consequences or you’re menopausal which idk what the fuck that #even does but it’s not good or you’re getting it MORE frequently because you have a condition of some kind. like. the absolute suffering and #hellfire. i don’t want to play into the stereotype of menstruating ppl being bitchy and mean and hysterical but like.. not to say it but i #GET ITCOMOLETELY. why ppl thought it was hysteria and a curse and whatever. because it is 💖 no one should ever have to experience this 💖 #delete later #ask to tag #brought to you by i haven’t even finished my dinner and i had to go lie down bc im in too much pain lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 #* digestive issues that need to be dealt with like… posthaste except (SO TMI SORRY) i have anxiety abt um. doing that in restrooms other ppl #can go into at the same time as me so ihave to scurry down MULTIPLE flights of stairs praying that the single user bathrooms are open so i #can shit in peace 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[transannabeth]

*

#the thing about rebooting twilight and trying to fix it #is that the flaws of the source material are so so so deep and go beyond just like #dont be racist this time md cut the imprinting imo #it would involve being more aware of the toxicity of bella and edwards relationship (they won’t do that) #and there’s elements of this story that are so so so so mormon because smeyer IS mormon #not only is Edward painfully controlling; all the cullens are in on it (see book 3) #there’s a strong underlying message of sexism even among the female vampires really where they only get power once a man turns them #every single aspect of the werewolves are racist #like that’s what I’m leaving that as because I don’t have the tag space or spoons #the werewolves in twilight ARE RACIST. smeyer made up stories and mythology and the depections #of the quileute tribe ARE RACIST from the very beginning #and the fact that jasper not only was a high ranking confederate #but also ILLEGALLY JOINED because he was too young? what the fuck #that’s the tip of the iceberg I wrote a whole final paper on twilight and ran out of page space to do the proper dissertation I wanted #even Charlie y’all love Charlie. he has a terrible moment #when Bella punches Jacob after he kisses her because she doesn’t want him to? #Charlie’s reaction made me pissed I can’t remember it exactly #I’m not saying you can’t read twilight #clearly I still talk about it because it’s interesting to me from a writing standpoint with how bad it is #but I don’t think this is one we should try to ‘make better’ #and hot take we don’t need a reboot like barely a decade later #write an original vampire story. learn from twilights mistakes. #i do not think we need to be returning to this ip which is deeply broken and hurtful #yes much of the backlash against twilight was sexist #but there are also valid reasons to dislike and criticize twilight we cannot forget that #unless quileute people are quite literally writing the script #i can see no situation where they are treated with the respect and monetary compensation they deserve #and that is only addressing that singular issue #i don’t even know if a consultant from the quileute tribe would be enough #here’s your rant of the day

[ryderdire]

Just cried over Math for the first time in like 6 years so that’s where I’m at

#ryders rambles #personal #sorry again for posting about personal stuff so much lately It’s basically consumed my life and I’m not good #please don’t make fun of my math skills haha #I’m venting here sorry #I mean it when I say I’ve been struggling academically lately haha #im not getting my accommodations despite my effort and im tired. #im Like. #this close to fucking dropping out or somthing I just can’t do this #I don’t want or Need help from anyone online rn I just need a bit of break #technically I cried over how poorly the website I’m doing homework on is codded and then just broke down from there but whatever #like it only takes answers if it’s written in a very specific format but the teacher didn’t fucking bother to tell us what that is #so I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to type in the polynomial remainder nothings working and It’s so frustrating because this #is the right answer and I’ve checked it several times but I haven’t been given the tools to apply it properly and I know no one cares #enoguh to actually see if I know the answer so I just get it wrong #pretty apt medphor for how the shcool system treats neurodivergent people but I digress #okay to rb but leave the tags out of it lol #ry diaries

[avatardoggo]

,

#so my best friend died this morning and i’m not handling it well i’ve cried 5 times today and i was balling my eyes out in the shower and im #scared to sleep bc ik i’ll have nightmares. and it doesn’t seem real like she’s not dead she can’t be and i didn’t find out first hand her #sister told one of our friends and she texted me and i thought i was hallucinating bc wtfreak and now i feel like crap bc i kept thinking of #her towards the end of august like should i visit her just to tell her how i feel in person and then just leave? but i was scared and worrie #about her rejecting me to my face and now she’s gone and i feel like i didn’t try hard enough to save our friendship and ya she’s in heaven #but she’s not here and and we like all the same things so when i think about the pjo live action or the new solangelo book or atlab or freak #ing anything it just connects to her bc now she won’t be able to see those things like we were so excited to geek out together and now i can #t bc she’s gone and even if she were here she wouldn’t want to be with me and i have school and i want to do well but i can’t focus but i do #nt want to use her death as an excuse and i hate myself bc part of me was her and her favorite color was pink and it became mine too bc it r #reminded me of her and i stopped being her best friend but she never stopped being mine even when she was ignoring me and i was angry at ber #i still loved her and she was the first irl person i told about my SAD and OCD and now she’s gone and my best friend is dead #and she was one of the few people that Knew me yk? like she just got me and i got her and she ignored me and now she’s dead #so ya i’m not ok so if y’all could pray for me that’d be great <3 #vk overshares in the tags

[ghoul--doodle]

I wish I could not have to speak verbally ever

I don’t like talking to people. I wanna just. Text. Or write.

Fuck talking out loud

#leif talks #having anxiety thoughts today- moreso critical ones than panicked ones #I wish there wasn’t pressure to have to talk to people you don’t know or. if you do want to get to know someone it’d be considered normal- #to figure out the most comfortable way to communicate until you get to know them if that makes sense #I can talk perfectly fine around a few people- and around people I’m close with I’ve been known to be loud #(volume control my beloved <33) but. talking to people I’m unfamiliar with. I can’t do it. #it’s very… illogical and irrational. I know it’s the anxiety part of my brain going off the wall but it doesn’t make tackling actually- #speaking much easier even if I take the time to rationalise my thoughts #i’m much more confident in my ability to communicate over text because I can take the time to think things through and word things how I’d- #like to! it’s generally just a nicer experience for me #and just. I get why verbal communication is such a huge part of communication. but does it have to be such a big part y’know??? #anyway I’m rambling! #i’ve been sick with a nasty cold so I’ve not been up to much outside of class work but I’m in recovery now so hopefully I’ll catch up soon! #i have 3/4 art trades left to finish and a commission #you may rb but please leave my tags out of it JHDHFKSH #this post isn’t really a vent. more just me thinking out loud.

[catilinas]

every day i cry and weep over lucan never getting to write the death of cato the younger into the pharsalia :(

#it’s not even a lost text i can hope will be discovered one day :((( #genuinely i think if it Had been written it would have absolutely massive influence on a) latin lit Esp Tacitus #and b) the uhhhhhhhhhhhh american revolution #like cato already has such a weird and also Huge literary afterlife. but imagine if he had a sexy death scene too. like plutarch is good #but if lucan had got to do it plutarch’s version might not even exist! or would be completely overshadowed! #rip to neoplatonism but i don’t care #i want to read abt my favourite historical figure ripping his own guts out (with a conquerning swordhand) in lucan’s sexy dactylic hexameter #(this post v much thinking abt prev reblog like cato can’t grow as a character or even keep Living bcs he is the republic and the republic #Fucking Died. oufghfhjg i want to see lucan’s version soooooo bad) #(like i DO believe in the Twelve Book Pharsalia Ending In Cato’s Suicide. but ALSO how the fuck would/could lucan keep the poem going after #that…………………… cato funeral scene WHEN. give it necromantic vibes. immediately #wait actually yeah. Show Me What Happens To His Corpse. unite the Caesar Leaving His Enemies Unburied #and Caesar As Double Of Erichtho and let caesar reanimate cato/the republic. consider: it would be sexy #like i don’t think lucan would have done that at ALL but I Would. these tags are now pharsalia book 13 fanfic. thomas may wants what i have) #(although thomas may DID also add unnecessary necromancy via time travelling lucan drinking julius caesar’s blood.……….. #pharsalia enjoyers united by this theme) #suicide mention — #pharsalia #beeps

[iguessitsjustme]

I can’t believe I have to say this but performatively tagging me and thanking me for participating in a fandom when you don’t follow me, don’t talk to me, and haven’t ever once interacted with any of my posts (not even in the fandom you thanked me for participating in) is a good way to get yourself blocked.

I make posts for myself, not to be thanked for participating. If you’re grateful that I made the posts, I’m glad! A lot of people have thanked me for many of my posts for many shows. I don’t have a problem with it. But feel free to tell me on the posts. Or don’t tell me and just like or reblog. But creating your own post, tagging me, and thanking me feels hollow when you haven’t done any of that on my posts.

I don’t mind being tagged in posts. I even like it! But please don’t just do it because you think you have to because I was one of the many many many blogs writing about a show and you’ve seen others tag me. Please tag me because you want me to see something. It feels like you’re tagging me to boost followers and if you knew anything about me, you’d know that I am not the person for that.

I don’t like blocking people, but this shit makes me so uncomfortable that I need to start blocking in order to remain on tumblr.

#rae irl #this is just so fucking weird to me #I can’t imagine going around and thanking people for participating in fandom the way people keep thanking me #I participate for me and no one else #if you’re worried that I might block you cause you tagged me in something lately don’t worry #if you haven’t been blocked then I’m most likely not going to block you but if you’re seriously concerned feel free to reach out #and if you’re thinking of tagging me but scared doing so will get you blocked again you can reach out #or if you’d rather just not tag me because you’re not sure that’s fine too I don’t need to be tagged #I do enjoy it most of the time but it’s never necessary #and I have plenty of mutuals who will #likely tag me if they see it and think I should be tagged #I think my rant is done #wait no there’s more #I don’t know what’s going on right now but if you want to build a following that’s fine you do you #but I cannot stress enough how much I do not want to be a part of that #people that actually follow me or know me or have talked to me at all know that’s not something I want #so please for the love of god leave me out of it

[pannyacottafugo]

i can’t imagine fugo and sheila e in a romantic relationship like fugonara is like fun and cute and we fight but then kiss and make up :) but sheila would probably vomit if fugo tried to give her a hug

#they’re best friends though !!!!!!!! #they argue and then fugo is like ‘i’m sorry’ and reaches out to apologise and she just panics and is like ‘GIORNO SOMETHINGS WRONG.’ #he walks out to show her a new outfit and she gags #sheila tries to do her makeup and shows fugo and he pulls this face ☹️ #u know? it’s like that #but in a best friends kind of way like they’re always hanging out together all the time but if u ask either of them if they like each other #they’re like ‘no i hate them’ #they will be mean to each other but then join forces when they get to be mean to someone else together #i think they watch tv together and make snarky commentary the entire time #me and the best friend who can’t show affection #sheila is homophobic but only after she finds out fugo is dating giorno #proudly biphobic sheila e (specifically directed at fugo and no one else) #‘i’m going on a date with giorno’ ‘why would you tell me that :/‘ #in saying all of this i’ll gladly eat up fugosheila content bc there’s so little phf let alone fugo and sheila e content so i’ll take it #i only say fugonara bc i think sheila and fugo have a similar-ish dynamic in a lot of ways but also very different #i can’t explain it but something something sheila reminds fugo of having narancia around and something something that’s significant #wow me leaving the entire post in the tags is awesome tbh what ??

[deus-ex-mona]

✨cursed thoughts✨ only

#disclaimer: i’m not saying that you should go out to catch covid or anything. please don’t >:( take care of yourselves!!!!!! #drink tons of water and wear your masks whenever possible!!!!!! stay safe!!!!!!!!!!! #very very long rambling in the tags below please take caution— #so i got checked in to a quarantine facility and ngl i love it here. i get a room to myself(!!!!!) and meals at stipulated hours. with cake! #there’s also free wifi and no roommates (for now at least) and actual air conditioning!!!!!!!!!!!! #plus there’s an actual desk(!!!!!!) here and i’m more productive than i’ve ever been for the past few *years* #in fact i managed to finish chapter 13 of idol sengen as well (but that’s queued for a few hours later) #i finally have some privacy and some gd peace and quiet for the first time in like 4 years. it’s amazing. i almost don’t wanna leave #minus the occasional coughing fits (and the fact that the shower has only 2 settings of ‘boiling’ or ‘freezing’)… this is the ✨life✨ #but if i don’t leave i can’t get my burger king. or my bubble tea. or my ramen. or my mcdonalds. or my— #just wait as i tl the entire daizo event in one shot tomorrow (lol) #anyway day 1 of quarantine was good. minus the travelling in the mf ✨covidmobile✨ #inedible blubbering #it is suiyoubi my dudes

[pepprs]

also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!

#purrs #delete later #sorry i knowive been insane about momposting but this shit has me screeching like an ape. the way when my brother was born she decided me #and my sister would be okay with each other bc we were twins and meanwhile she was leaving my sister to have anxiety attacks and me to take #care of her and all of this happening at like 7 years old and she would come into my brothers room every single night and kiss him goodnight #and talk to him for a long time and she wouldn’t even come in and say goodnight to us. LOL. ok. like our room being a depression nest is not #an excuse. us not helping out much in the kitchen or around the house (which is bad but also we have reasons for it that i think are valid #and i only do it here and not elsewhere btw.) is not a good excuse. you can’t decide you love your one kid more because he helps out and #keeps his room clean and whatever. maybe he is normal because you made it very clear from the time that he was born that he was your top #priority and you gave him your attention and didn’t take it away meanwhile my sister and i have always had to share bc we’re twins and she #cast us aside when he was born and has fucking tormented both of us for years over who we like what we want where we go all of that shit and #then has the AUDACITY to call herself a good mother. being a good mother is more than feeding your kid and projecting your childhood trauma #onto them by preventing them from ever developing cancer to the point where they’re afraid fo like. go outside. you have to be patient and #nurturing and kind and like.. motherly. ans i know no one can be a perfect mother and she has been hurt so badly and she is dealing with a l #lot right now but COME ON. for gods SAKE. i am right fucking here. why don’t you care about me? why do you make it clearer every day? #ask to tag #like the way she would say when my sister and i were growing up and going through it that she wished she could book a hotel and live there f #far away from us and miss out on us growing up so she wouldn’t have to deal with us being anxious and hormonal because we were teenage girls #LOL. totally did not impact me at all. totally is not a wound that informs every breath i take and every thought i have. not at all #* like maybe he is normal because you uh… idk. just a guess here. actually gave him the motherlove people need to be functioning healthy #human beings? idk. just a silly thought. haha