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#and achieving massive intimidation points that way lol
grokebaby · 2 years
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Vision vs finished product
Hell's high judgements
(this is just me rambling about my initial ideas and process for their character designs)
Tw for a(n image of a) sort of veiny eyeball creature (okhula from fran bow)
Delilah - I think pretty early on, like almost from the start I decided to have her be Deirdre's sister so i already had some footing and reference to go off of for her design. Tho it's possible that at some point in the hazy beginning I hadn't thought of that yet but nonetheless my image of her was some kind of large horned demon. I may have pictured the character as more masculine, or at least not a woman initially but I think that changed really quickly bc like I said she became Deirdre's sister pretty much upon conception. Her initial idea wasn't very different from what we ended up with, my first vision was just a vague, tall, intimidating looking demon who had like their head mysteriously in the shadow and the only way you could tell where the face is was thanks to her glowing horns. Her first vision was more of an aesthetic and a vibe bc being one of twins, she was very easy to design from then on. I also pretty much immediately knew I wanted her to be heavily scarred, particularly on the face, but it took me a bit to figure out how, specifically. I think at first I thought of her missing even more eyes than she is now. Her designing had a clumsy first few steps but it wasn't difficult to settle on. What ended up being difficult was redrawing her at all lmao, I still feel like i do her disservice every other time I draw her ;-; Idk why she's so hard for me to make look decent bc she's not intended to look off-putting or anything like some of my designs intentionally are. Aside from struggling to learn to draw her, it was pretty straightforward. I would say I'm pleased w the final product if I was confident in how I draw her but as of rn I feel like the problem is more me than the design lol :')
Hart - My idea was an indistinguishable mass of eldritchean tentacles, sprinkle in some eyes and whatever extra freaky stuff and yeah. The final product ended up having alot more distinguishing features bc originally I had them be like, an actual black blob. Void with eyes. Like those black cats you only see when they open their eyes. My idea did develop a little from there and I thought of adding onto the "What is this" factor by having them sort of resemble having a legit body structure but twisted and twirled into such knots that it'd be impossible to tell where everything was actually meant to be. Like just, the most tangled uncanny mess. It had this kind of theme, an idea of being folded into itself and having multiple parts that could open and be straightened out and it'd be like this interesting thing w Hart looking a bit different when they're actually completely unfolded. Sort of like how hedgehogs are just spike balls when in defense mode, but w a Lovecraftian horror who is maddeningly dizzying to interpret. Just a weird, uncanny, what am I looking at creature, of resembling body parts that actually aren't those body parts but just placed and knotted to look like them. I'm not sure if I achieved that vibe, tbh the final product looks more like just a generic Tentacle monster with a flavor of Toothless from how to train your dragon but hey. It looks charming and expressive and I'm fine w that :]
Xerxes - He's probably the most visually different from the first idea. I actually actively challenged myself w him, particularly to diverge from the very first idea somehow and do something a little different. Only thing that stayed constant, and the thing I knew I wanted for him from the start, was One Eye. And look at that, he still only has one eye. Technically. My very first visual was this sort of weird.. This. I wasn't sure how else to describe it
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Like, that, but just very muscular lol. This sort of. Muscle eyeball demon. Kinda grotesque looking now that I think about it but it felt fitting for a hell demon or Wrath. Just a massive eye. My idea evolved slightly into like an orc or a cyclops after that but this is where I diverged to challenge myself and I thought maybe it could be some beastly looking animal, closer to a minotaur or some animal warrior you'd find in an mmorpg, stuff like that. Initially I had Xerxes be quadrupedal tho, like a feral animal, but still be sentient and demonic somehow. I wanted him to look really fierce and I designed armor and really heavy chains around his neck. I did really like the chains aesthetic but I decided instantly that I WILL NOT be drawing chains that often no sir! When I made him more centaur in body structure I still kept him like, a cyclops for a little while until I decided he could just have battle scars and just lost the other eye. I actually had him resemble a boar at first, I'm not sure when he shifted to being a bull. I could be remembering this part wrong too but I just remember trying to practice drawing a very fierce looking (herbivore) animal. I specifically wanted him to not be a predator animal ykno. I felt like a lion or something would've been too generic or predictable and I wanted some practice, and hey, I've since become pretty attached to bulls specifically. Apparently. Which is neat I think, not sure why I'm so fond of them but I sure am now. Thanks Xerxes. From then on he's mostly evolved to just look more, uh, Idk, better represented as the animal he is? I just know I was poor at drawing bovines and similar animals way back then but have since gotten notably better so I think Xerxes looks amazing these days. I didn't struggle learning to draw him nearly as much as Delilah, he was actually fairly easy bc I proceeded to draw him a fair amount once I really learned him. But like I said I've gotten practice and improved in things like drawing buff people since then so, the final product is great, even though I draw his armor way, way less lol. I'm not that great w armor and besides, I don't draw him in battle all that often..
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soothinghymn · 3 years
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spur-of-the-moment warmup turns out better than expected, more at 11
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itsclydebitches · 3 years
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YYH Recaps: Koenma Appears
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Welcome to episode two, everyone! Before we get to the recap proper, I want to continue down Nostalgia Lane for a moment. Remember how last time I mentioned a Hiei bookmark I used daily back in middle school? Well, I tore through an old "treasure box" I created as a kid (a collection containing everything from a shark tooth to a small book on witchcraft. You know, the important things every child needs) hoping to find it... but I didn't. It's a hard life we lead.
However, I did find some other YYH relics that I thought you all might enjoy seeing. Behold — and, if you'd like, laugh at — my collection:
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First up is a picture of young Toguro and Genkai that I wanted to use as my bookmark, but found that it was too wide. For the record, I didn't (and still don't) care about Toguro much, he was just the byproduct of finding a cool Genkai picture. Not shown is the back of the image with the names of my classmates because I made them all sign this along with our yearbook.
God bless my friends for putting up with me.
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Second is a collection of very pretty trading cards that I ordered from god only knows where. I have vague memories of not finding any at my local comics shop and convincing my mom to let me order on The Olde Internet. Did I want the trading cards to trade them? Absolutely not. They exist to sparkle and make my heart happy.
Finally, I've saved what is perhaps the best for last. Now, you have to understand that grade to middle school age Clyde did not have the education that she would receive later on, which includes a knowledge of the ephemeral nature of fanworks and the importance of accurate record keeping. What this means is that I have absolutely no context for this. No author, no explanation... just the image itself.
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Was this a standalone fanart? A part of a fic? Some specific request or just the will of the artist? I cannot answer these questions. I tried a reverse image search (which is, admittedly, the extent of my tech skills) and you know what the single hit I got was? "Fiction." Thanks, google. So yeah, I can only assume that my child self considered Kurama giving a de-aged Hiei a bubble bath adorable enough to save, but the artist wasn't important enough to jot down for future viewing. Sorry about that, mystery artist. And, as should go without saying, if anyone does know where this came from please let me know! Though I suspect that this is a case of a YYH-specific site closing down and the fanworks getting lost along with it. That happened a great deal before the age of AO3 when volunteers decided to put their time and talent towards saving fanworks of all sorts... 
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But enough of all that. Let's get to recapping!
As we established last episode, Yusuke and Botan are on their way to the spirit world to kickstart Yusuke's ordeal. Watching this after over a decade of consuming other media, I really appreciate that Yusuke acts like a human person and asks lots of questions about this. When Botan is cryptic for the sake of the audience — we're going to see "the person" who can explain everything — Yusuke is justifiably like, and what person would that be?? I mean, this is also a way to establish basic facts for the viewer and it simultaneously feeds into Yusuke being someone who is difficult for the sake of being difficult — "If someone wants to say something, they should come to me!" — but it's just nice to see a character who doesn't accept cryptic BS because the story needs them to. If Botan gives an unclear, but ~dramatic~ explanation, Yusuke is going to call her out on that.
So she explains that they're going to see King Yama and Yusuke is all whoa whoa whoa, there's royalty involved? Suddenly, he's not so adamant that they come to him. 
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Botan tries to reinforce this rare spark of humility and demands that Yusuke be on his best behavior from here on out.
Pff. Yeah right.
But “he can send you to oblivion forever if he wants to!” is a suitable enough threat to cow Yusuke for now. Which is interesting considering that a few hours ago he was happy to accept hell as his rightful ending. Granted, we could argue that there's a big difference between hell and oblivion — a character may not be afraid of punishment in the same way they are a lack of existence — but I'd say this ties more into Yusuke's development at the wake. Now that he's accepted that people care for him and that he should strive to return to them, the threat of having it snatched away actually means something. Even if that line is otherwise positioned as a comedic moment.
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Botan flies them through a portal where we see the River Styx below and Yusuke comments on how big everything is. At first I was like, "What are you talking about? You were just flying over some major city in fictional Japan, wasn't that big too?" but this line makes more sense when they reach the palace and you realize that yeah, it's big. As in, the camera blurs while tilting down its length to show how insanely tall it is. Yusuke and Botan are tiny gnats at the gate's entrance.
"Oh man, what a pad!" Yusuke says and sure, that's one way to look at it lol.
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Botan announces that she has a "new arrival" and the gates open for them, but so far there's no one else around. One part of me wants to question the time and budget put into this scene because shouldn't there be, like, thousands of people? Even just waiting outside? The idea that this is the hub of the underworld and that Botan is responsible for ferrying all the souls, yet she is guiding just this one (1) dude for a solid day is, from a world building perspective, kind of nuts. But beyond the need to develop Botan as a character (she can't be a part of the story if her job is treated realistically, with all the endless work that entails), I think this choice functions rather well from an atmospheric perspective too. Meaning, this moment is supposed to be rather tense for Yusuke. He just died, just found out the afterlife exists, just discovered a desire to get his life back, and is now about to meet a King who can toss him into oblivion if he's rude — which Yusuke always is. So this is a Very Dangerous Moment and their relative isolation feeds into that. As does the setting. Yusuke flinches back from the hallway, saying that it looks like a giant throat, so he is now literally walking into the belly of the beast. 
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Suddenly, the size of the palace isn't an indicator of awesome wealth, just general intimidation. Also, check out the spikey purple mountains in the background and the harsh reds of the scene, especially compared to the soft yellow of the river. All of it is designed to create an, "Oh shit" reaction in both Yusuke and the audience.
Yusuke's image of King Yama matches these surroundings:
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Oh wait! Wrong character ;)
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He's massive, red, shadowed, and poses a formidable threat. And how does Yusuke deal with threats? By fighting them! Even those he can't hope to beat. Remember, this isn't a situation where Yusuke has any power here, but he still desperately holds onto the possibility that he might. What if he gets off a punch on King Yama's nose? Then goes for his eyes? Yeah, that'll work! 
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Overlooking the fact that it absolutely would not — Yusuke's fantasy conveniently skips how he escapes Yama's clutches — what exactly is Yusuke hoping to accomplish here? Somehow take over the entire underworld? Escape as a ghost and live out his afterlife in hiding? We don't know and that's because Yusuke doesn't know. He doesn't think ahead, he just obeys this instinct to fight. An instinct that, crucially, overrides everything else. Botan has already told him that all Yusuke needs to do is be polite and everything will be fine, but it's not even that Yusuke believes that he can't achieve that; that he knows himself too well and, fearing a slip, starts planning for a potentially inevitable confrontation. There are simply no plans outside of battle plans. Yusuke just hears about someone vaguely intimidating and his brain jumps straight to, "How do I beat him in a fight?" no matter the odds, or that other options are readily available to him. Again, much of YYH's characterization occurs though its comedy, so outside of the general humor of witnessing this fantasy, it actually does a stellar job of reinforcing precisely who Yusuke is. In life the only thing he had going for him was his ability to fight. It was his one joy, his one skill, arguably the one good thing he did if we frame those reflexes as "saving" the kid... so is it any wonder that fighting dominates his every thought? It's all he knows.
And, as we'll see down the line, that single-minded obsession is very useful to the spirit world.
For now though, Yusuke finishes his absurd plans to take down King Yama and Botan asks what in the world he's muttering about back there. Which is an unintentionally hilarious line because by the end Yusuke is not muttering, but full on shouting. Botan. How did you not hear him?
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Not important. They reach the next door and we get our first inkling that all is not as Yusuke (and we) expect when Botan leans into an intercom to say that they've arrived. Tech in a fantasy spirit world? This feels not only out of place, but rather... mundane? That's the point. When the doors open Yusuke expects his super scary monster, but gets... a whole lot of monsters that aren't scary at all!
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The underworld is run by various demons (or ogres), though their looks are contrasted with the harried office worker personalities they've got going on. Someone is running by with a comically tall stack of papers. Someone else is shouting into a cell phone. The first two demons we see cross paths, looking like they're about to punch one another, just as Yusuke expects... except they're just dramatically getting out of the other's way, worried not about the hierarchy of this realm, but the fact that someone is behind schedule. The nerve!
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"This place is a madhouse!" we hear somehow shout and yeah, that's the joke. The afterlife is just as chaotic, overworked, and — ultimately — boring as any human office. For all the strangeness of seeing hundreds of demons, this is familiar.
Which, alongside Botan's bubbly nature contrasting assumptions about the Grim Reaper, is one of the first instances of YYH undercutting the viewer's expectations in terms of looks. No one entirely looks the part they play in this tale and if you're trying to teach people to look past surface characteristics... there are worse ways to do it. Horrifying creatures with horns and sharp teeth? Nah, they're just chill dudes trying to do their job. Cutesy girl who looks like she belongs in a mall reading magazines? Nah, she's the Grim Reaper. Terrifying delinquent with a spine-chilling reputation? Nah, he makes faces at kids and saves them from cars.
Of course, the "nah" isn't accurate either. These are monsters with horns, Botan is a cutesy girl, and Yusuke is a delinquent with that reputation. The message isn't so much that people look like Thing A, but get to know them and you'll discover they're actually Thing B, it's the idea that you can be A and B (and C, D, E...) simultaneously. People — or rather, seemingly simple archetypes — can, in fact, embody multiple characteristics at once.
We'll get our third example in just a second.
Yusuke makes a comment about this being the "dead people stock exchange" — accurate — and Botan leads him to a more ornate door past all the desks. It's clear they've arrived at King Yama's office, since she's bowing and formally presenting him to... someone. Yusuke looks around for the giant beast he's imagined, only for a tiny voice to hail him from the ground.
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Looks are deceiving!
“This is Yusuke Urameshi and he’s honored to meet you." Botan knows what's up. She knows Yusuke isn't going to express anything of the sort without some prompting. Too bad he's busy cracking up at this apparent child running the show. Side note: Yusuke has a fantastic laugh.
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He even goes so far as to accuse Botan of lying to him.
“Why would I lie about such a thing?!”
“Why would the spirit world be run by a toddler?”
It's true! That’s a legitimate question! I love that Yusuke asks questions. The "toddler" goes on to explain that he's actually the "mighty Koenma," son of King Yama, though he's lived fifty times as long as Yusuke, "so watch your mouth." Assuming Koenma knows and/or remembers how old Yusuke is — fourteen — and is good at math, that puts him at seven hundred years old. He looks good for his age!
"And in addition to knowing the secrets of the universe," he says, "I am quite potty trained."
You've gotta love Koenma.
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Yusuke's attitude changes drastically once they get down to business. Koenma produces an egg, saying that Yusuke's ordeal is to hatch it and face what comes out. The hatching part isn't difficult, all he needs to do is keep it on his person. The challenge is in the fact that this egg will feed off his spirit energy and that energy in turn will change what kind of creature develops. If his spirit is wicked and cruel, so will be the beast and it will devour Yusuke upon hatching.
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However, if his spirit is good and kind, the beast will become a sort of guardian, guiding him back to his living body.
Note though that throughout this conversation the egg is always a "beast." It's a "monster." It's not necessarily intentional, but there's a strong bend towards the negative here in the description that really emphasizes the whole "ordeal" aspect. Koenma briefly reassures Yusuke that he can remain a ghost if he prefers, but he's already made up his mind. Despite another threat of being lost to a void — this time through spiritual digestion — Yusuke takes the egg almost without hesitation.
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He regrets it later though.
"I can't believe I did that."
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Can we blame him? I'd be nervous about some egg feeding off the energy of my soul too and I'm a former, almost straight A student (damn you, math) with no life-altering regrets and a general desire to put as much good into this world as I'm able. I’m boring. But what if those occasional, mean little thoughts you have add up? What if the prejudices you're still unlearning stack against you? Does the egg care about what you do, or only how you feel about the act? This sort of test would eat me alive!
Maybe literally. 
Good thing Yusuke doesn't have time for an existential crisis!
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Just as he's beginning to regret this decision, Botan points out that it won't matter if he passes if he doesn't have a body to return to. Now, why wouldn't he have a body? Maybe because his mom is set to cremate him tomorrow.
Whoopsie.
Yusuke is, understandably, distraught. We get another excellent exchange:
“Botan, is there any way for ghosts to communicate with living people?”
“Yes.”
“SO ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME?”
I swear, Yusuke is the only smart protagonist. I mean, he's dumb as a sack of bricks at times, but that's neither here nor there. Bless this fictional boy for reacting like an actual person. 
Botan explains that people are more attuned to the spirit world when they're asleep, so Yusuke can deliver a message to someone in their dreams. Seems easy enough. They first head to Atsuko, but find that she's raging drunk and nowhere near sleep. 
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"You fool!" she yells. "No one gave you permission to die!" Atsuko continues to yell about how plenty of people survive car accidents, so why couldn't you? "Were you mad at me, Yusuke? Didn't I raise you right?"
Botan comments on how sad the display is. Yusuke's response?
“The only thing that’s sad is now she’s got one more excuse to act that way."
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Y'all, that's some mature shit for a goofy shonen anime. Yeah, Yusuke recognizes that, while she's obviously heartbroken, his death has just given her another reason to do what she's been doing for years: drinking herself into a stupor. Toss in Atsuko putting the blame on Yusuke — "No one gave you permission to die!" — plus the belief that she did do a good job — "Didn't I raise you right?" — and it paints a rather bleak picture. This is by no means an uncommon theme. Negligent parents, whether they're framed that way or not, are pretty common in shonen series, but it's still rather jarring to re-watch this as an adult and go, "Oh. The situation’s like that." It's honestly a lot when you remove it from YYH's otherwise humorous, casual context.
Yusuke heads to Keiko's next and finds her sound asleep, commenting on how her room looks more "girly" than when they were kids. Check out that smile!
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He's about to try and deliver his message, but Keiko is in the midst of a nightmare. “She’s crying… what’s wrong?”
Oh my god. Remember how I just said Yusuke is also the densest protagonist around? Example A right here. You just died, you fool! You just saw Keiko collapse at your funeral. What do you think is wrong??
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We get a peek at Keiko's dream where she is — shockingly! — thinking of Yusuke. He's far out of reach, walking away and unresponsive to her calls. Keiko soon trips and Yusuke disappears completely.
Luckily, she has the real thing at her bedside. Yusuke tries talking to her and at first it's unclear if this supernatural stuff is really working. That is, until Keiko murmurs about how heavy he is.
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Reassured, Yusuke delivers his message that Keiko needs to help Atsuko pull herself together and, most importantly, call off burning his body. We get this very soft and pretty background to establish their yet unspoken feelings for one another, though Yusuke gets close with, “I’m coming back. I don’t want to see you cry anymore" as he brushes her tears away. Aww.
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Keiko wakes, thinking at first it was just a dream, but no, "I'm sure I felt it."
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The next morning she heads to Atsuko's to explain the dream, only to first hear that Atsuko had a dream too, this one about Yusuke "living in some other world full of ogres and he kept knocking them down until he became their leader." It sounds absurd, of course, but it brings Atsuko some comfort to think of her boy in a place like that and Keiko backs down. Right, she'd only had a comforting dream too.
Now, there are two important parts to this exchange. The first is that this is an excellent example of how you let the characters drive the story, rather than forcing the characters adhere to the plot you've come up with. Meaning, in the latter situation, our cast would have needed to have their personalities twisted and the viewer's suspicion of disbelief tested to give Yusuke what he needs: a sleeping family member willing to believe his message. But it absolutely makes sense for Atsuko to be drunk rather than sound asleep, so Yusuke can't rely on her. Likewise, it absolutely makes sense for Keiko to be asleep, but not believe the dream once she's woken up. After all, how many times have we been persuaded by something in the dead of night only for things to look more logical and less likely in the morning? The characters act both like themselves and like people who do normal, people-ish things, which means that Yusuke runs into more conflicts. That's good! It not only raises the tension and stakes — now he has less than a day to convince someone — but makes his inevitable success feel that much sweeter. A less well written show (cough-RWBY-cough) would have had the characters change their personalities, behave in unlikely ways, or just come up with a sudden, contradictory solution because Yusuke needs to keep his body. Instead, Yusuke actually has to work for that within the bounds of the rules established and the likeliness of each plan succeeding. The first one fails? Move onto plan #2.
Second, this dream of Atsuko's has some cool implications within YYH's world. Meaning, we're about to learn in just a moment that some people are naturally more aware of the supernatural than others, even when they're not asleep. We'll also see down the line that spiritual awareness tends to run in families... so perhaps Atsuko possesses more than the average mother? I'm not saying it's necessarily intentional on the author(s) part, but we can choose to read this dream as evidence of spiritual awareness — true insight into the world Yusuke was just in and the fantasies he'd had about conquering it — rather than just a coincidental joke for the viewer. After all, Yusuke gets his own spiritual awareness from somewhere...
(Okay, so there's totally another, canonical reason for that, but we can have both!)
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So, as Yusuke puts it, “This dream business isn’t gonna cut it.”
“There’s always the final method," Botan says.
“You always this vague?”
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I am literally living for these interactions.
Botan explains that the more extreme form of communication is possessing a living person, but there are two rules attached: it has to be someone you know and the vessel has to be someone who is quite spiritually aware, as discussed above. Atsuko isn't a contender because the story hasn't acknowledged that she might be sensitive, that's just my own headcanon now. Yusuke outright says, “In that case I’m screwed. There’s no one like that!"
Cut to good old Kuwabara.
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At first it looks as if he's just oh so conveniently sensing a spirit right when the audience has learned he has this power, but in reality it's Yusuke and Botan flying behind him that sets it off. Again: this show is pretty good about keeping things internally consistent, rather than making choices because That's Just How Stories Work, I Guess. Kuwabara's friends note that he's acting strangely and I love this detail that apparently one of the guys is new to their group because the other two need to explain that this is the "tickle feeling." Ever since Kuwabara was a boy he's been able to sense the dead around him. Some nice, some... not so nice.
He looks directly at Yusuke — even though he's not able to see him — and declares that what's following them is “A puny low-level ghost, like a haunted racoon or something.”
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I'd support Yusuke's anger more if he hadn't just exclaimed his surprise that Kuwabara serves a purpose 😂
Yusuke is pissed enough though to proclaim that he won't do it, nuh-uh, no way is he possessing this guy's body. Botan's response is one of my FAVORITES in the WHOLE SERIES:
"Here's my impression of Yusuke: look at me, I’m burning!”
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Literally 75% of this series is just about a found family sassing one another and I love it.
Obviously this helps Yusuke remember his priorities and he grudgingly agrees to the plan. Botan prepares Kuwabara's body somehow — idk, spiritual magic or whatever — and warns Yusuke that he only has an hour to find someone and warn them because a human body can't handle possession any longer than that. Sure. I buy it.
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So Yusuke takes control and please ignore the incredible ethical issues here. The show will never acknowledge them again. 
He blurts out, “Hey, check it out! I’m inside Kuwabara, feeling smooth!"
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Istg I don't remember the series being this unintentionally gay. I don't even ship Yusuke/Kuwabara and I'm digging the possibilities here lol.
Back on track, his friends drag him with, “Looks like he’s back to normal” because again, 75%. What's not normal though is Kuwabara (Yusuke) suddenly charging down the street to leave them behind. He heads straight to the restaurant where Keiko's parents work, demanding to see her. They're rightly concerned about this stranger barging in and screaming for their daughter.
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Upon asking who he is/why they should tell him, Yusuke makes his biggest mistake: “Because it’s me, you guys, I’m Yusuke!”
Obviously the time limit and raw emotion of knowing who he is has outweighed the knowledge that, you know, no one would believe that. Yusuke has spent the last two days bopping around as a ghost and familiarizing himself with some of the afterlife's insanity. The knowledge of what's normal for everyone else — AKA, not dead boys appearing in strangers' bodies — is not at the forefront of Yusuke's mind.
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So, Keiko's parents react accordingly! The father in particular is disgusted by this claim, going so far as to threaten Yusuke with his knife and outright insult Kuwabara's looks: “Yusuke was never ugly like you… we were close family friends with that boy!" His wife chimes in that this kind of joke is particularly heinous on the day of his funeral. Between Atsuko drunkenly blaming Yusuke for his death and Mr. Takenaka grieving for what he might have been, this is one of the few times we see someone just sad for Yusuke's passing, exactly as he was and without regrets or criticism. "We were close family friends with that boy" paints a nice contrast to the delinquent persona Yusuke was cultivating.
As he's thrown out of the restaurant he says, “We should have special passwords for times like this!” Fun fact, my family does! Well, not this exact situation lol. I was given a password as a child to memorize in case my parents ever needed to send someone else to pick me up or interact with me in any way. If the stranger didn't know the password, I was to kick up a fuss. I rest easy with the knowledge that this password would not doubt assist me if I was ever in Yusuke's position!
With Keiko's parents a bust, Yusuke starts sprinting to everywhere she frequents with the hope of running into her. Or at least he tries. 
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Yusuke is suddenly waylaid by a group of nameless teens with a bone to pick with Kuwabara. And you know what? I like it. I wonder how much of my praise stems from coming off of RWBY Volume 8, but it's just so nice to watch a story where the plot — simple as it is — hangs together. We've established that Kuwabara is a street fighter. Last episode we watched him start a fight with Yusuke. Yusuke is on a time limit. Now Kuwabara's tendencies have created a new hurdle for Yusuke!
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Needless to say, Yusuke kicks butt, even in Kuwabara’s body. 
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As one guy is passing out he says, “Man that hurt! I didn’t think anyone could throw punches that hardcore except Yusuke Urameshi."
Yusuke: “Darn, giving Kuwabara a good name." LOL
You think this challenge is finished though? Nah. Over the course of about half an hour Yusuke encounters a comical number of people trying to get even with Kuwabara. 
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As always, I like the nods towards this writing decision to help justify it, with Yusuke wondering how Kuwabara has pissed this many people off. If you want to pull off something that has a low chance of happening, it can help to give the characters a "Seriously?" moment. If both they and the audience are on the same page over how ridiculous this situation is, the audience is more likely to accept it once the character does.
By the time Yusuke escapes his hour is nearly up. However, thanks to some coincidental plotting, he spots Keiko's friends just across the street! 
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YYH does a decent job of making its characters feel like they have their own lives outside of what's immediately happening on screen and we get a good example of that here. We pick up the girls' conversation partway through, both of them worried about Keiko's state of mind and, given that we'll see in a second that Keiko was in the store with them, it implies that something happened to reignite this worry. They're off enjoying their day, doing their own thing, there was an event we're not privy to, and now we catch the response to that. It just helps make the characters feel more well-rounded even though they are, at their core, one-dimensional background characters who don’t even have names yet.
Case in point: the one girl is still concerned with their image. "People are starting to say things!"
Yeah, your friend's childhood friend just died. Hopefully they're saying, "Poor thing."
Anyway, Yusuke runs up to ask where Keiko is only for both girls to run away screaming. Turns out his face is messed up from the numerous fights and Keiko's friends are easily scared. 
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Luckily, Keiko comes out just a second later and Yusuke is faced with the challenge of how to convince her in, oh, about five minutes. Remember, we've already established through Keiko's parents that just saying, "I'm Yusuke" doesn't work. That's why he hesitates. It's not just drama for the sake of drama, he's stuck.
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“I’ve known her my whole life, there must be something between us that only I would do!”
Yeeeeaah. About that 😬
Suddenly inspired (I suppose that's one way to put it...) Yusuke runs up behind Keiko and grabs her breasts. “Keiko, nice uniform! They’re so squishy!”
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It goes without saying that, like flipping her skirt up, this isn't okay. More specifically, the problem lies in the story framing this as a joke for the audience, something to laugh at despite Keiko's discomfort, rather than the concept of two childhood friends actually be that comfortable with one another. But, as already established, this is one of the more ehhhh aspects of Yusuke's characterization that, luckily, will mostly disappear as the story goes on.
Note though that the show clearly wants us to think highly of this. Not just as a "joke," but as a smart solution to his problem and more evidence of their inevitable relationship — the background becomes the same soft, bubbly background we saw during their dream conversation. And, admittedly, it does work. Keiko instinctively slaps Yusuke hard enough to knock him to the ground and he starts laughing, saying that he doesn't care what anyone on the street says, she hits the hardest.
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What I do like about this is that the assault isn't the only thing Keiko bases her faith on. Not only has she already had the dream, we get to see Yusuke from her perspective, showing all the mannerisms she picks up on by superimposing Yusuke's real body over Kuwabara's. Indeed, she says as much: “I knew it was you from the first time you spoke…and it’s not just your stupid gags, or how you laugh. There are ways you move and speak that in a hundred years I wouldn’t forget."
Catch me crying in this club!
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Knowing she believes him and that he's almost out of time, Yusuke reiterates his message: please don't burn my body and also keep Mom on track. Only, you know, it's phrased far better than that lol. As he speaks, both Yusuke's and Kuwabara's voices overlap until the latter grows fainter and only Yusuke's voice remains. His body too. It's a nice touch, avoiding the awkwardness of Keiko having this moment with a stranger, even if that is what's happening on some level.
“I know I’ve been a bum to you at times, but please wait for me."
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His hour up, now we can get the awkwardness! Kuwabara comes out of his weird trance thing to find Keiko crying against his chest. Wow, he thinks, this girl must be really into me! 
God, to have the confidence of Kuwabara.
Of course, Keiko quickly realizes it's not Yusuke anymore and slaps him too for cuddling her closer. My favorite thing is that when she does this a crowd INSTANTLY appears. I mean they TELEPORT in. We needed an audience for Kuwabara's shame and YYH delivered, all logic be damned.
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“Um, sorry about that!” Keiko yells as she runs away, because she's a good person who recognizes that weird spirit things just went on and Kuwabara isn't actually to blame.
“No, that’s okay. I probably deserved it," Kuwabara responds because he's also a good person and I didn't appreciate him nearly as much as I should have as a kid.
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Keiko runs all the way to Atsuko's place where she finds her dressed for Yusuke's funeral. She blurts that Yusuke might still be coming back and Atsuko goes, "He already has." Turns out she opened his coffin to "smack him one more time for leaving me" — yikes — and found that his heart had started beating again, just as Koenma said it would. 
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Being in a shonen anime, they apparently decide to just trust Keiko's message rather than, idk, taking him to a hospital or something.
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The camera tilts up to show that Yusuke has been watching all this, including that both women break down again and comfort one another. Aww. How heartwarming.
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What's less fuzzy though is this mysterious egg. Yusuke takes another look and finds that it has developed a heartbeat too, presumably in time with his body's. He theorizes that he did decent things today, right? But Botan (teasingly) points out that he did beat up a lot of other kids. Rather than getting angry, Yusuke remains uncharacteristically pensive, emphasizing the magnitude of what this means for him. He's got to get it right.
No pressure or anything! We'll have to see how Yusuke balances his karmic scales in the next episode. Until then, I'll try not to put all my TV time into Star Trek: Voyager :D 
See you then!  💜
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Survey #203
I’m not dead, World of Warcraft just devoured my life again.
Have you ever been inside of an abandoned building? Yes; a shack first, but we picked up the courage to just barely set foot into this small building absolutely littered with newspapers and such. Almost went into the main house, but my sister, friend, and I were too intimidated by the idea. I didn't want to imagine what could be in there; already anxious by that age, I worried about feral animals or homeless being in there. Have you ever actually believed in monsters? (Like as a kid) Yes, I think. Do you have any fascination with the macabre? Examples? Oh boy, do you know me? I find most gore cool, I love bone art/vulture culture sort of stuff, I find death and decay fascinating, then there's the roadkill photography I do (done in only great respect/to show the horror of what we can cause), dark and especially gory artwork... I could go on for a while. Do you actually think skeletons are scary? I LOVE skeletons, add that to the above list. I was always excited in school if our science class had a replica in it. What monster movie is your favorite? This is broad... You mean like, actual monsters? Not like Freddy Krueger, per se, and focused on them? Hell I dunno, maybe Monsters Inc., lol. Is Hocus Pocus really a good movie, or a bit overrated? We cannot associate if you so much as dislike Hocus Pocus. What witch-themed movie/show is your favorite, anyhow? See above. Do you like The Nightmare Before Christmas? Hell yeah. Ha, pretty funny though: I'm not obsessed with the movie or anything, yet people give me sooooooo much Jack Skellington stuff for my birthday and/or Christmas. I do love Jack, totally, but you'd assume I was more in love with the character than I actually am. Do you count it as a Halloween movie and a Christmas movie? Halloween, for me. Do you like Jack or Sally better? Jack. What other Tim Burton works do you enjoy, if any? Corpse Bride and Alice in Wonderland are my absolute favorites, then there's Frankenweenie, Beetlejuice, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach (literally my lil sis's and my childhoods), and probably more. I just love him. Are there any ‘dark’ or ‘spooky’ films you recommend? Absolutely the original Blair Witch Project. Spoiler, you never see the "witch," and that just made it so much spookier, particularly when there's a scene that seems to have a high chance of her showing up on the camera. It's very convincing in selling it as "based on a true story;" the characters act realistic in the situations they're in and are very dedicated to acting well. It's my personal definition of a "good" horror movie. If anything, shit, watch it for the ending. Creepiest goddamn thing. Just for fun – what would your personal hell look like? Yeesh, let's not visualize that... On Supernatural, do you like the angels or demons better? I am way, WAY behind, but from very faint memories, I believe the demons. Have you ever purchased anything from an occult or New Age shop? What? No. Do you know any Pagans/Wiccans? I believe one of my old friends is Wiccan? Do you know any Satanists? I don't believe so. Would you ever keep a tarantula as a pet? Nah. Are there any urban legends in your area? What are they? Looked it up and apparently NC does have some, but idk about *my* area. Do you find dead trees beautiful? Some, like really big ones. Who was the last person you sat next to? Mom. Are you embarrassed to let others see you without makeup? No. Have you ever had a nickname at your church? If so, what? Don't believe so, when I grew up going to church. What was the last stuffed animal you bought? Not sure. Maple trees, fir trees, or palm trees? Maple. Which biblical name do you prefer: Naomi, Esther, Rachel, or Joanna? Naomi, easily. I used to want to name my hypothetical daughter that. Which biblical guys name do you prefer: Seth, Jedidiah, Ezra, or Buz? Seth. Who is the hardest working person you know? MY. MOTHER. She works her fucking ASS off; I'd like to see most people handle even a single day in her life. Can you name any songs by Godsmack? A few: "No Rest For The Wicked," "Whatever," "Mama," "Voodoo," "Voodoo Too," "Hollow," "Time Bomb," "The Enemy," and... that may be it? What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Meeting Sara. How deeply do you care for your education? Is it something you take seriously? I don't really know how to answer this. Like... I care, but I don't care enough to be competitive about it or obsess over it. I target for just being "enough." Would you prefer to go to a beach or to a park for a day, and why? What would you do? Park. The beach is too hot, windy, and I hate the feel of sand. Idk what I'd do at the park considering there are various kinds... What are five things you own in your favorite color? Tank top, iPod, uh... I'm blanking. Is your favorite clothing store close to your house or do you have to travel far? The nearest one is like an hour away. In real life do you laugh like ‘haha,’ ‘hehe’ or something else? The former. Do you have any unusual skills? No. Do you have any bug bites right now? No. Do you like to look at other peoples’ houses? Sure, when riding by them. What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve ever received? Good question. Maybe my toes are cute? (They're fucking tiny.) Would you say you’re more witty or childish about jokes? Witty, I guess. What do you think about video games? One of the greatest technological achievements. Video games brought forth a new form of entertainment to enjoy, one that can hold someone's focus for hours and stay fun. They can also tell fantastic stories, just like reading a book or watching TV, and the more and more realistic in vision games are becoming, it just becomes easier with every game to feel more immersed in the universe. What would you, or do you, study at college? I'm going for zoology. Have you ever had, or wanted, a pet ferret? Oh my god in Heaven, yes. They are so damn cute; when Sara was here and we were in PetSmart for something, I actually started tearing up and squealing because of how GODDAMN PRECIOUS THEY WERE, like they all came up to the glass pawing at us, and watching them play was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. The only thing holding me back from getting one is the fact I know they are veeery messy and require a lot of care. Is there anything you find undeserving of the hype it received? Eh, don't feel like thinking about this. In other words, idk and idc. Do you think it’s better to label yourself than be labelled? Who cares, honestly. Don't restrain yourself with a label, and what others see in you and you following along with it solely because of that is naive. What’s something you do a lot? Over-evaluate anything and everything, because my OCD has been an absolute beast for the longest time. Are you currently on any other websites? Twitch and deviantART are open. Have you ever been told you naturally tilt your head a certain way? YES. I have done this since like... late middle school or earlier when the hair to the right of my part covered my eye. My mom points it out all the time, and no matter how many times I've tried to unlearn it, I can't do it. My head physically feels weird if I straighten it. When was the last time you laughed at someone? Some time earlier when I was watching Mark play GTA. Do you have any projects on the go right now? I started a massive YouTubers video with "High Hopes" over a month ago, and now I haven't touched it since the day I started lmao. Do you, or did you, really look forward to when you can finally move away? Eh... yes and no. I really question my ability to be that independent. What’s the worst tattoo you’ve ever seen? Who knows. What’s your favorite name ever? Alessandra. Are you a hat person? No. Have you ever forgotten how to do something simple? Ha, yeah. Have you ever been hit on by somebody way too old for you? Possibly an old family friend; he had this thing for being REALLY flirtatious with my older sister, and then me sometimes as I got older. We were never alone with him or anything, I mean he did it right in front of our mother and dad (he fucking loathed him because of it, probably still does), so we think he was joking? Have you ever climbed a chain-link fence? Yes. Have you ever had to run from the cops? No. Do you know anyone who is constantly humming? No? Are you afraid of any specific animals? I mean the usual insects and spiders, then there's the few more unusual ones such as SLUGS, MAGGOTS, larvae in general really, whale sharks, worms... probably others that aren't coming to me. Did anything comical happen to you today? No. Are you any good at fussball? Not especially. Who do you usually dream about? Jason is most often in the ones I actually remember. Yay. It made sense when I wasn't even beginning to heal, but now that I am and I STILL have them despite having fully and entirely moved on, I finally just asked my mother if it was normal, which apparently it is extremely common with even "recovered" PTSD victims. Shoulda asked/looked it up way sooner... Do you visit your dentist as often as you should? Yeah, thanks to Mom. She always ensures I stay updated with medical exams/appointments. I'm lucky as hell to have her here to keep my life straight. Do you still have a teddy bear? Maybe in the bags in the attic? Did you get any Girl Scout cookies this year? No. They don't come here. What’s your favorite fairytale? Bitch Shrek don't even @ me it's a fucking fairytale. Do you apologize when you know you should? Usually. In most cases, I feel overwhelming guilt otherwise. Do apologies really make anything better? Sometimes, to a degree. Can other people tell when you’re high? I've never been high. Do you own a birdcage? No. Have you ever planted anything? Yeah. Have you ever been blackmailed into doing anything? No. What eyeshadow color looks best on you? I only ever wear black. Can you tolerate small children? jfc no. In almost any situation. Even my niece and nephew, I can't be around them but for so long without getting burnt out or aggravated. What’s the stupidest behavior humans partake in? Holy sweet mother of The Lord God Almighty- Have you ever seriously considered suicide? Yeah. Did you ever hit anything while learning to drive? I like... immediately hit a curb lmao, and I STILL can't turn past them without the risk of running over it. It's one of the things that's holding me back from getting my license yet. Which movie’s musical score is truly memorable? UM, The Lion King??????? Hurry the FUCK up July. Which TV show theme music do you remember most? That '70s Show. Have you ever bounced any checks? I've never even used a check... How many speeding tickets have you been given? None. Not that I drive a lot. First kiss: quick, sloppy, and forgettable or passionate and memorable? It was fucking adorable and definitely memorable. I don't care how I feel about him now, that's a little event I'll always remember and cherish. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, or Larry the Cable Guy? OH GOD what was that stand-up show with just them? I LOVED that back as a teen. I don't know who I liked most, but probably Jeff or Bill. I do know Ron was my least favorite, but he wasn't bad. How many bills do you pay online? I'm a 23-year-old "adult" who doesn't have bills. What’s the highest score you ever bowled? Hell if I remember. Nothing impressive. What’s your definition of a good, full breakfast? The "perfect" picture is like pancakes, scrambled cheesy eggs, and bacon. Whats your favorite flavor of jam? Of what I've tried, I only like grape. Are you a fast runner? I can't even TELL you the last time this bitch ran. At school was is/was the main reason you get/got in trouble? It was never severe trouble, just a quick word, but Jason because we'd always hug and usually just exchange a peck in-between going to classes; both were no-nos in our shit school, and the hall monitors or whatever would tell us not to if they saw, buuut we didn't listen. Hell, I think maybe hand-holding was against the rules too, which I know we didn't abide by if that was present. Do you make your views heard or do you hide in the background? It depends. I'd say heard more often, maybe? Do you have many friends from foreign countries? No. Can you open your mouth very wide? No. You know those things at the dentist where you have to bite down straight onto them for an impression of your molars? If the dentist was considerate enough, I'd use the one for older children instead of adult because I canNOT fully bite down on the normal ones without it being incredibly painful and I gag like mad to the point I inevitably tear up. What was the reason for your last x-ray? My knees were being checked with all the horrible pain I'd been dealing with from them. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not for the sake of being rebellious, no. I only had such streaks (and still do) when I saw/see them appropriate to the situation. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. What is the most common name where you live? I dunno. Elizabeth, maybe? Actually just looked it up for the hell of it and what I found first says William (which I can absolutely believe) and Ava (which I question?). When something really scares you, what’s your immediate reaction? Jump, gasp, and either dash or stare at whatever the source is like a deer in headlights. Does it bother you to be around people who are smoking? Yes. How much time do you spend on the phone a day? Not long at all. I check Instagram usually at least once, and I don't follow a lot at all. Sometimes I check Facebook on my phone, but I usually do on my laptop now. That doesn't take very long, either. Your favorite song lyrics right now: "What I do know is come Judgment Day, I followed love; can you say the same?" from "Natural Born Sinner" by In This Moment. Do you think it’s possible for a rap song to make you cry? Ever heard "Runaway Love" by Ludacris & Mary J. Blige? Bitch you bet it makes me wanna cry. Name three books that have actually made you cry [really cry not a few tears]: I don't think I've ever gone beyond just a few tears, really. The Notebook probably was the hardest on me, though. Or Old Yeller. Idr. Is it easy to annoy you? Maybe. Do you watch musicals? If so, which is your favorite? If not, why not? No, because they make me cringe into a new dimension. Do you wear short shorts & tanktops in the summer? You will never see me in shorts, and I wear tank tops like... always. Always to bed, at least. Does the idea of having a baby at your age scare you? Having a baby period does. No fucking thanks. Do you remember who your best friend was in fourth grade? Quiata. Maybe still Brianna, idr. What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? None. Is there anywhere in your house that you’re scared to be alone in? No. Any embarrassing/childish shows you secretly still enjoy watching? No. I don't watch TV period, but what I do like, BELIEVE THIS SHIT OR NOT, I'm not embarrassed. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I think the longest I was ever supposed to stay somewhere was three months, but that didn't actually happen. The longest I've actually been in a hospital was two weeks, give or take. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? I'm not straight so obviously not. Name three things in your room that others probably don’t have in theirs: An iguana, a snake, and a rat. In the same general area lmao. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Nothing. If you could pull off any hairstyle, what would it look like? A pixie cut. The kind with the shaved sides. Besides furniture, what’s the biggest thing in your bedroom? Uhhh my snake's cage? Do you diet and exercise regularly? I do a 16-hour fast daily. What’s something that you think is really cute? Even though I don't want kids, I can't see men being really vibrant and cute with babies or toddlers without just alksdfjioawer Would you rather donate time, blood, or money? Hm. I feel like ultimately, money would be most beneficial in the majority of cases? Can grills be sexy on a guy? They are incredibly unattractive on anyone. Are braces cute? Not particularly, but they're not like, unattractive. Unlike grills, they serve an actual purpose and aren't as obnoxious. Which of your friends makes you laugh the hardest? Girt. What brings out the worst in you? Being extremely stressed. I'm seriously snappy and irritable. Would you rather go to Canada or Mexico on vacation? Canada, probably. If you have glasses, do you get days when you don’t feel like wearing them? I don't think about it because I don't have a choice if I want to see. Do you ever wear hats indoors? I don't wear them period. Have you ever played bingo at an actual bingo hall? No. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter and it reached its goal? If so, did you get any fun extra stuff because you pledged a higher amount? No. What’s your favorite comic book/graphic novel? I don't have one. What’s something you can do without looking/with your eyes closed? Type. Is there a color combination that holds a significance to you? If so, what is the combination and what does it mean? No. What was the last thing you swore at? I don't know. If you use Facebook, do you ever look at the Memories page? Ugh no. Let's not remind myself of dark times or more specifically cringy ones. Do you have a drawer where you just throw some random stuff? No. What’s the funniest shirt that you own? I don't find any really funny. What is something you absolutely refuse to pay for? Ummm "fancy" clothing brands, to name one of the top contenders. Has a stray/runaway cat or a dog ever followed you home? If so, what did you do with it? Maybe a cat? I don't think so, though. Is there a stranger you expect to see every day? No. What is something you take pride in? My recovery. What is something you have a lot of experience in? I guess photography? What’s the biggest magnet on your fridge? I don't feel like going to check. Do you prefer things (movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh? Entertainment media rarely actually scares me, but I prefer "scary" stuff. Were you born with naturally straight teeth? Well, I had to get braces, so I would assume not? Do you try not to take a lot of medicine or do you take it whenever? I avoid OTCs when I can; I'm on enough prescribed stuff. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? Sour. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? No. Are fireworks illegal to buy where you live? The big ones, yes. People still go to Myrtle Beach on the SC side to buy them tho. Can you talk and work at the same time? No. Do you care more about yourself or more about others? This really depends on what the situation is... and my state of mind at the time. But I think usually myself? It used to be others, but I learned how unhealthy that can be. Do you find it easy to pass the time or do you get really bored? I get bored excruciatingly easily. How often do you re-watch/re-read things or are you more ‘once only’? I'm typically an "only once" person. What color ink do you prefer writing in? Black? Have you inherited any garments from your parents or grandparents? I don't think so. When was the last time you visited the doctor? Why did you go? Around a week ago to get my vitamin D re-checked. Have you ever been in a Catholic confessional? Yes. Who was the last non-relative you rode in a vehicle with? My VR coach. What movie are you looking forward to coming out? I will be seeing the live action TLK as fast as physically possible. What was the title of the last song you listened to? "God Hates Your Outfit" lmao. ^Who performs it? Jeffree Star. Can you do a backflip? No. Is your car newer than a 2004? I don't have my own car. Who is the lead singer of your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne. How would you feel if you knew you were adopted? If I grew up knowing, I wouldn't feel much of anything new besides the fact I'd be grateful as hell someone chose me. If I just suddenly found out, I'd be inexplicably shocked and furious I was never told. Do you have freckles? No. Do you have dimples? Very clearly on my left cheek, and I have a super shallow one on the right that used to be more apparent. And I have back dimples. When was the last time you went fishing? When Sara was here in June last year. Do you know anyone with a pet that has your name? No. Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years? Most likely not. What was the last injury you received? Probably something from Roman playing. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yeah. Do you regret it? No. Do you ever get in weird moods and listen to music you normally hate? Very rarely I listen to pop from when I was a kid. How old is the oldest person you’ve dated? Well, we "dated" for less than a day, but idk. I'd guess he's 27-ish now? Have you ever tried a colorful macaroon? No. What’s the last thing you made out of clay? An anatomical heart, I think? Did you learn to type through a computer program for kids? Not really for kids? We took them in middle school, and they weren't like, super kiddy. How many years were you homeschooled? I never was. What color is the tree outside your window? Uhhh probably green? I don't wanna get up and look. What do you take for pain? Advil/Ibuprofen. Which pharmacy do you use? Harris Teeter. What is this month’s calendar picture? Don't have a calendar. Is there a coffee shop in your town that’s better than Starbucks? N/A Who has the best personality on YouTube? Shane Dawson's is probably the most universally likable, I think. Have you ridden your bike yet this year? I don't have one anymore. What does your bike look like? N/A Who are your favorite kids that you’ve babysat? I babysat only once and hated it. Not the kid, just the duty. Who is your favorite cousin? I don't have a favorite. Does one side of your family live in another state? Both sides do. What states did your parents grow up in? New York and Ohio. What, if anything, are you severely allergic to? Severely, nothing. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to an insect? No, thankfully. Do you spill food on yourself while you eat? Not often. What is a topic you like to answer questions on the most? Meerkats or Mark. Have you ever seen a queen bee outside its hive? I have no clue. Which Clue (or Cluedo) character is your favorite? I was always Miss Scarlet because even as a kid I knew she was hot stuff. Do you watch any old films? If so, name a few of your favorites. I don't really watch movies period. But a few I like are The Outsiders, Old Yeller, Johnny Got His Gun, A Raisin In The Sun, Steel Magnolias... lots of others, really. Just not many are coming to mind immediately. Who are some of your classic era film actors and actresses, if any? Idk. Do you have any novelty ice cube trays? No. Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? The only ex who I'm aware even loved me in the first place is Jason, and I probably wouldn't say anything. Got a very strong feeling my PTSD would literally erupt like goddamn Saint Helen and I'd leave the situation in the blink of an eye. I don't love him anymore, and I don't even know if I'd believe him telling me that now, but I know damn well it would fuck with me. Would you ever work at a movie theater? It sure as hell wouldn't be my first pick. At least here, they're grossly underpaid and overworked. Do you have a phone charger in your car? If you have a specific type of cord. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my mom. Dad's like... 20-ish minutes away, if that? Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? Mom is always with me. Do you like pineapple on pizza? Never tried, never want to. I can just about guarantee I would positively loathe it. Sweet and savory don't mix with me. Do you like to hold hands? With my s/o and I'm comfortable with them, yeah. What’s a show that you absolutely refuse to watch? 13 Reasons Why. How many times have you been in love? Twice. Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? However old I was in the 7th grade. Last thing you cooked? Toaster strudels in the toaster oven. Movie you want to see? I wanna see the newest HTTYD soooo badly, but I doubt I'll get the chance while it's in theaters. Ever spent the night in a tent? Yeah. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy. The others are dead. Can you snap your fingers? Poorly with my right hand. Can you wink? Only with my right eye. How many keys do you carry with you? One. How well do you know the people you live with? Well, she's my mom and we're very close. Do you own any jerseys? No. Who knows your biggest secrets? Sara. Have you ever ran from your own parents? No. Are you afraid of clowns? No. Do you crack your knuckles? I physically can't, and besides, the sound is disgusting to me. Who IMed you on Facebook last? Girt. Could you see yourself dropping out of high school? I'm long out of high school, and I didn't. Do you have any personal fashion rules that revolve around your own preferences/body type (e.g., you never/always wear a certain color, sleeve type, or length of dress)? I don't wear shorts, tight shirts, dresses, skirts, crop tops, I wouldn't dare touch a romper, I highly doubt I'd wear yellow... just to name the ones that came to me immediately. Do you remember any celebrity whose style you admired when you were a teen? What do you think of that style now? YO Avril Lavigne was my emo model okay. She's still a queen. The last time you had a conflict with someone else, did you confront them about it or keep it to yourself? Do you think it would have been better or worse to do the opposite? Uhhh... I don't remember who this was. When you finally make a decision to do something you have been contemplating for a while, do you become highly anxious and motivated to do it right away? Yup. When you were a kid did you make up lies about your life to make yourself seem more interesting? Alternatively, did you know kids who told these stories and did you believe them? Bitch I made up that a talking wolf came to me and gave me animal powers and the rule was I could only tell three people. I was a fucking weird kid. I know others who have made things up, too. Can you think of a moment from your childhood that was totally “on brand” for you, or consistent with your adult personality? I'm sure there's something, but nothing's coming to me rn. Have you ever warned someone else about something, whether it was about a person in their life or an oncoming weather event? Yup, in numerous scenarios. So, is it "gif" with a hard G or soft G? I say both, but "jiff" more frequently. Is there a book or movie that you thought was about something completely different from what it actually ended up being about? What did you think it would be? Maybe... Is there an item that you bought on a whim, but now consider it a crucial part of your life and you would or have purchased it again? I have no clue.
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ralfstrashcan · 5 years
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5 Reasons why I think that 17,000 line is not to be taken literally
I won't argue with figures and calculations, because – disregarding the fact that we still don't actually know how old Magnus is and “something between 400 and 800, probably” is a little vague – that boils down to questions like “Does Magnus prefer to sleep with 1.7 or 2.1 people per week?” and that's a little ridiculous. So yeah, I'll stick to contextual arguments.
1) I thought it was a joke to achieve this face
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because it's  h i l a r i o u s. Only later, when I saw in several fanworks that people were taking the number at face value it even occured to me that this could be interpreted as anything other than a joke.
2) Actual number aside, it's obvious that Magnus had a lot of past lovers. And since he doesn't strike me as the type of guy who keeps a tally of that I just find it unrealistic that he remembers every encounter, let alone the total number. Like he says
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and since the great majority of those past affairs weren't formed out of emotional attachement but for more carnal reasons I don't think Magnus would waste the limited memory space of his brain on something that holds no real value to him.
And now, let's take a look at the dialogue!
Alec: You must have had plenty of exes. Magnus: *dismissive head shake* What do you mean? *takes a sip of his martini* Alec: *shoots him a sideways glance with raised eyebrows* You know what I mean. Magnus: *with his usual pizzazz* Alexander, look, I've lived for centuries. I've been with men, women, seelies, warlocks, vampires. A djinn or two. Alec: *staring straight ahead* How many? Magnus: *evasive, eyes darting around* How many? Alec: It's not a trick question. *looks at Magnus* Magnus: *floundering for words* Alec: You can round down if you want. Magnus: Okay. *nods to himself* If you wanna know, I'll tell you. *stares at Alec's profile* Alec: *blinks, not looking at Magnus* Magnus: Seventeen. Alec: *looks at Magnus, taken aback* Magnus: *looks away with an undefinable look (1) in his eyes* Alec: *grins* Seventeen? That... that's... Magnus: *looks at Alec again super-guiltily (2)* *looks away again and clears his throat* Alec: *looks away too, amusement fading* S-seventeen *looks back at Magnus*...hundred? Magnus: *frowns and turns away slightly* Alec: *shocked* Seventeen thousand? Magnus: *cutting him short quickly, with a very not-reassuring fake-smile* It was all in the past.
3) If you ask me (which you're kinda doing, since you're still reading lol) Magnus stops Alec from counting higher not because Alec had randomly hit the right number, but because it seemed like Alec wouldn't stop otherwise and he was getting himself worked up over a figure. What if Magnus had cut him off at seventeen hundred already? What if Magnus had been slower and Alec had counted up to seventeen million before Magnus interrupted? What if Alec had decided to count up differently? Would Magnus have waited until he reached seventeen thousand? Seems pretty unlikely to me. My point is, this conversation could have gone several different ways and that just makes it very unlikely that 17,000 is coincidentally exactly the count of Magnus's exes.
4) Since I'm pretty sure we can agree that “Seventeen” isn't the actual number of people Magnus has slept with over the course of his life this begs the question why he didn't answer Alec truthfully. Of course he could have just been rounding down like Alec suggested he do, but... I don't think that's it. Magnus is well aware that he's had a vivid past that might be intimidating for a twenty-something year old virgin, but the way I understand Magnus he refuses to feel bad for this. He's proud, he's unapologetic, he's defiant in the face of anyone trying to shame him for how he's lived his life. So I think he wouldn't lie about the number of his exes in any given situation (except maybe when talking to someone who doesn't deserve to know anything private about his life, but this is obviously not the case here with Alec). In this situation there's also the additional fact that Alec was baiting him. “You can round down if you want.” Like hell. Magnus would never back down from a challenge this obvious. Alec is daring him to say the truth while giving him an easy out. Magnus Bane does not take easy outs. So how the hell can he say 17 when that's obviously not the correct answer but it also isn't a lie? Well. Prepare for my explanation. When I saw that scene for the first time the thing that stuck with me the most was Magnus's face after he answers, the (1) face.
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He's clearly feeling defensive or awkward or something and the way he evasively looks away led me to the conclusion that he realized he had instinctively answered a question Alec hadn't asked, a question he himself deemed way more important in this context than how many people he's slept with: The question of how many people he's been deeply in love with, who will always have a place in his memory and his heart. And after he says “Seventeen” he realizes he answered the wrong question, a question that is way more intimate than the one Alec asked, and so this kinda was a lie. When Alec is obviously relieved he feels guilty (2)
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and it shows because his face is a freakin' open book. Alec of course assumes he looks guilty because he rounded down massively and proceeds to up his guess until Magnus cuts him off because
5) ultimately, the exact number of his exes doesn't matter. If it were 10,000 or 100,000 people ...does that really make a difference? Fact is it were quite a few and the real number is probably high enough to not be comprehensible to a mortal anyway, so why get hung up on the exact figure? What matters is if Alec can work past what at first appears to him as an insurmountable difference between them.
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And he can.
(Gif Source)
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nimueriesa · 7 years
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TELL ME ABOUT GALAHAD, hows the relationship between sister & brother, what do you think about him, what do you want for them, TELL IT ALL TO ME ~~
ALWAYS ACCEPTING ┊ send me a topic, i’ll write a meta
@mactoism
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This is going to be messy af, so please bear with me. lol Because, the truth of the matter is my ideal headcanon for Galahad and Nimue comes from a meshing of different reading materials and my own personal need to improve upon the things that MZB royally fucked up. Honestly, Galahad is more of an afterthought in the Mists of Avalon and a lot of his original accomplishments in other variations of the legends are diminished by the fuckery MZB pulls with the holy regalia and the actual impact of the grail on Camelot and court. 
FIRST AND FOREMOST, one of the things I do actually like about MoA is that Galahad is just as sassy as a child as Nimue is, but it’s in a different way…which I feel is pretty reflective of how they’re both going to grow up. Galahad’s is a self-righteous attitude while Nimue’s is a defiant one. He follows the teachings of Father Griffin to the letter and he idolizes his father, so when Morgaine comes in with her paganry and her ‘I’m better than you’ vibe, he’s immediately on the defensive. And then you have Nimue who is constantly being punished for her ‘impertinence’ and told that everything she does is wrong/sinful, so she’s the one fighting the authority figures and searching for a new truth of her own.
Another thing I do actually enjoy from the book, is that Galahad is always calling Nimue a ‘silly girl’ because she cries when their father tries to hold her ( she didn’t recognize Lance btw, that’s how little he was in their lives ) and she’s always getting into trouble with Father Griffin and their mother. It’s not mean or spiteful, it’s just typical brotherly behavior — especially coming from someone who always minds authority and sees glory in what his sister finds cloistering. What matters is that years down the road, after they’ve been separated for well over a decade, he sees Morgaine and the first thing he can think to say is: ‘You’re the evil woman that stole my sister.’
I’m also very, very fond of the idea that they’re fraternal twins. ( Also the Sun and Moon comparisons, with Galahad being the golden sun and Nim being the silver moon. ) For starters, it just makes Lancelot an even bigger douchebag than what he already is to have impregnated the wife he hates two more times after their first drug induced romp in the hay. Like the first time, yeah you feel bad for him and yes it’s a horrible situation — but anything after that is just….meh. Especially given that he saddles Elaine with these kids and then just fucks off to do Lancelot type things in Lancelot type fashion. 
BUT I’M ALSO fond of the idea of them being fraternal twins because of how their stories parallel one another. Both of them are just two poor kids paying for the sins of their parents and FUCKING DYING AS A RESULT! Nimue is the agreed upon price for Elaine to bag herself a Lancelot and Galahad is the one paying the price for Lancelot cheating with Gwenhwyfar in the first place bc now Lance is sullied and can’t achieve the grail. ( Again, this is meshing other facets of legend together for better storytelling than MoA ) But basically, Fate, Destiny, whatever are all HUGE DICKS to Nimue and Galahad. 
So while Lancelot does as Lancelot pleases and Elaine punishes herself and everyone else from her massive Catholic Guilt, Nimue and Galahad are thrust onto their respective paths at an age where they don’t really have a choice in the matter. Galahad is isolated in a convent by nuns. Nimue is isolated in Avalon by priestesses of the faith. Galahad is taught to live a life devoted to Christ, and that he must make a great sacrifice for his faith. That it’s his destiny to achieve the Sangreal. Nimue is taught to live a life devoted to the Goddess, that she must make sacrifices for her faith. It’s her destiny to bring Avalon back to it’s former glory. BOTH of them are defined by their virginity for some ungodly fucking reason ; it’s the be all and end all component of both of their respective tales.
Did I mention that they both die for nothing? Have I talked about the fact that their deaths aren’t even made to be about them, but about literally everything but them? Have I talked about how both of them basically committed a form of suicide bc once their roles had been played out they had nothing else to live for, no identity save for their ‘great destinies’?
Anywho, I honestly believe that Galahad and Nimue love one another and probably understand each other better than anyone else despite their different religious paths. They’re definitely the closest out of the siblings, given that Gwennie ( and honestly fuck anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to name their child after the woman they wish was their wife ) is about five years younger than Nimue. They also balance one another out remarkably well. She tries to reinforce to him that it’s alright to go out and live his life, he tries to make her see that it’s alright to need someone. ( Even if neither of them follow their own damn advice. ) 
As children they were each other’s nighttime confidantes and in their later years, they’re the shoulder to lean on and the non-judgmental ear to talk to. They both embody the loyalty and sense of duty that Lancelot is applauded for but never followed through on. They see the pain and bitterness in one another that no one else can see, because they’re made of the same earth, molded from the same bit of clay. They get angry for one another where they can’t for themselves, they cheer on their triumphs and come bearing hot tea and long nights in after heartbreak or failure. In modern verses, she’s always trying to set him up on dates and he’s always intimidating tf out of the guys that try to make a conquest out of her.
Honestly speaking, I just want them to be happy? I don’t want them to die alone for a stupid cause that was never originally theirs. I want them to move somewhere far far away and live out a happy contented life with both the highs and lows that come with it so long as it’s their own doing. They deserve holidays together and laughter, those silly little moments that people tend to take for granted. 
Point being: THEY DESERVE TO LIVE. THEY DESERVE A FUTURE OF THEIR OWN.
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Is Online Personal Training For You?
The World Wide Web, where will we be without it now? Throughout the rising use of net and more lately, social media websites, those most people must have nowadays. Online training is now a highly common means to get fit, and shortly to become a whole lot more popular in my humble view. Many coaches and virtual applications offer you many selections for example: Tailored fitness applications for your particular objectives, competition preparation training, and above all nutritional advice. These are a few reason why online training is now an attractive alternative over real one-on-one private training at a practical environment. Another few legitimate reasons I could include are time limitations and geographical restrictions. Not everybody has enough time to specify a period and meet with a coach three or four occasions throughout the week, and the majority of individuals aren't likely to drive quite a way to meet up with a coach. Additionally with an internet coach you've got only about 24 hour accessibility to communicate through telephone or email if you've any queries or concerns. Why not have a customized program to trace in case you've got time and not have the ability to opt for any coach on earth?
So much online training looks like a win-win scenario, right? Well, with no fantastic utility support, there are always advantages and pitfalls, nothing is perfect. During this article I will attempt to clarify either side by providing recommendations and guidance for both coaches and clients to boost their experience of internet training without being prejudice. First of all, online coaching has come to be a highly effective tool in supplying services to a wide audience however, the expansion has stalled competition among coaches in commercial fitness centers that are fighting to stand out. My very first Issue with internet instruction is that the source and authenticity of a fitness expert. There is no true substitute for fulfilling a fitness expert in person, making that connection together, and seeing them in action along with different customers. There are several distinct certifications on the market, many are extremely untrue and well admired, although some aren't. Pretty much anybody can become a coach nowadays or state they're a coach to create a fast buck. Just just how do you expect someone online? You should do your research when picking an internet coach, assess their authenticity together with their sites credibility and go with your gut feeling. I'll delve into this a little more in the future.
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My very first issue with conventional private trainers who train in commercial health clubs is the lack of involvement and knowledge of customers. Most of us know so as to function as a trainer in a health club, you need to be a Certified Personal Trainer, and after more anybody can get accredited. My point is simply because you've got a couple of unique certificates and a degree in Kinesiology does not necessarily indicate they're a terrific trainer. I visit trainer's regular where I work outside, a few are good and I can tell they care of their customer's success. However, most different coaches amaze me with their lack of comprehension, exercise choices, stupidity, and lack of strength when coaching customers. Nearly all the time these coaches are counting repetitions for you while texting in their telephones or merely jibber jabbering together with the customer or other people they know. Many coaches are merely in it for the cash and wish to receive their customers during their sessions as quickly as possible with very little battle. I call them"Text Book Trainers" since they're constantly going by the publication and accountability issues; lots of coaches underestimate their customer's skills. A couple different coaches once explained that so long as you throw big scientific words to customers they will not wonder you and they'll think you are the ideal. Another coach said he wishes to become "Guru!" Lol. Incredible! How do someone wish to have the answers to what and need reputation of being a professional? Last but not least, most coaches at gyms don't instruct clients about appropriate nutrition and don't devise personalized nutrition plans for their clientele. They probably let you adhere to exactly the bullshit"Food Pyramid" recommendations our corrupt FDA so kindly provides us . I am not being a coach in a commercial health club is poor, if this is your aim to work for somebody else, then by all means do this. Just enjoy assisting your customers achieve their goals by teaching them correctly and most importantly really place them via a legit exercise. For customers, know about these sorts of coaches and fitness center, they just need to offer you training packages to meet their daily objectives.
I understand many may believe online instruction is a scam, however, let us consider a few benefits and disadvantages this exceptional method can provide, giving you the opportunity to find out if online training is right for you or not. Having a mean private training session costing approximately $60, and of course that the true gym initiation fees and traveling cost, the price of one-on-one coaching may soon damage your wallet. A lot of men and women are intimidated to visit gyms due to a lot of muscular and athletic folks, overwhelming gear, and only overall an excessive amount of chaos happening. Well online instruction delivers the opportunity to satisfy your targets without feeling ashamed or uneasy. Flexibility may also be a massive benefit, meaning online instruction could be achieved with no established routine or schedule. Though this might be a drawback if the customer lacks motivation, responsibility, and subject to stay consistent with the app that you assign them. This is because of them needing a physical existence there together and directing them throughout the work out. Also online coaches can't necessarily gauge your progress and really watch your position when performing particular workouts, which may really frustrate a possible customer and potentially cause worse problems.
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There are larger questions to tackle with internet training which could place the coach and the customer at a prospective risk. The 3 essential components of private training include: An initial appraisal, detecting the customers instruction, and providing important feedback to guarantee progress. These procedures are seriously compromised through internet training. In the event you choose to select an internet trainer, be certain that the coach has a comparable protocol evaluation as a real trainer in a gym could. I strongly suggest a telephone appointment prior to committing, consider the as a first screening procedure and you really can get a sense of the coach to find out whether you really do need to use her or him.
While purchasing training bundles at a fitness center, you're exposed to a waiver, so eliminating all accountability from the club in addition to the coach nearly all the moment. With online training, there are frequently instances no legal or waiver arrangements supplied. I can not stress this enough to make certain if you do proceed with an internet coach they do possess a release of liability waiver. Which brings me to my second stage, what about the legalities of online personal instruction? Imagine if the customer were to get hurt while using the schedule you provided and you're in another state or county? Which are the legal obligations then? Well, an authorized arrangement could be dealt between the coach and customer by two manners: legitimate contract and legitimate contacts. A legal contract is a signed agreement agreeing with conditions and terms of online training and also the commitment between both parties. A legal contact proves there is a sensible quantity of contact between the customer and coach over and over the click of a button to buy a training regime. To guarantee the very best support, a telephone consultation or skype ought to be installed, together with a printed contract ought to be sent to sign and get back to the appropriate address.
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everythingmustgo · 7 years
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Cancer sun, Capricorn moon, virgo rising with Leo sun, Pisces moon, libra rising ?? ((If I got ur riding wrong LOL AWKS)) but do us
OK so our sun signs r (despite what some ppl say lol) good together!!! so much love here!!!cancers need someone who will look after nd emotionally support then nd leos invest sooo much time nd energy into people they care abt. like we have a reputation for being self centred (which…….ya) but ppl look over the fact that leos r some of the most generous nd caring ppl nd will make u feel loved, which cancers need. cancers r ofc ALSO intent on caring for their partner but not in so much of a Shower Them In Affection And Gifts And Adoration way like more of a maternal, I care about u and ur wellbeing and I will Protect u !!! to sum that up I think leos r more intent on giving their partner IMMEDIATE happiness w BIG gestures all at once whereas cancers r more concerned w ur long term health nd happiness nd want to look after u nd care for u !!! HOWEVER that being said. we’re deeeeefinitely not entirely selfless lol a leo is a leo nd if ya dont treat them the way they treat u theyre like FUCK well guess they dont love me??? they wanna b treated like royalty nd its easy for them to overlook the way cancers love bc it’s more focused on maintaining their long term happiness nd leos r so. SELF INDULGENT HEDONISTIC INSTANT GRATIFICATION like we gotta calm tha fuck down nd recognise love in other forms (not to call myself the FUCKKK out). cancers and leos both love very deeply, and both need to be reminded often that they are love bc while they r similar in a lot of ways, the ways they express love is not one of them. cancers r also…….selfish lol theyre loving nd caring nd compassionate but they need sm emotional support man when they feel things they feel em DEEP and theres not rly room for anyone elses emotions in their mind when their own feelings r so strong. if ur both upset, the cancer comes First. leos might feel like their own feelings r often unnoticed. tbh I think other than both of us being inherently Needy and Selfish leo + cancer is good man we r so Loving nd caring nd good for eachother cuz different ways of showing love r important in relationships. as for our moon signs GDJAKAKFLS we could NOT be more difficult pisces nd capricorn CHRIST pisces moons r v emotional and empathetic and deal w problems and their feelings internally cap moons r v practical and balanced and deal w problems thru action and processed planning like our inner selves r so Wildly different ??? but its funny bc obvs from a personal point of view we hav a v deep connection w eachother which is odd when our moon signs r sooo different BUT my theory on this is that 1. we compliment eachother w it. pisces need someone to get them out of their shell, look at the issues realistically and put it into perspective, and solve their problems thru practical means. w/o an earth sign theres no WAYYY a pisces would do that lol. and a pisces will encourage a cap to take a more intuitive approach to the issues they hav that r emotion based. while a cap usually doesnt let their emotions “get in the way”, a pisces will encourage them to let their feelings guide them when necessary: sometimes even when smth seems logically the right thing to do, if ur gut says no it’s probably right, and caps need a water sign to help them see this. my 2nd reason is that u hav a water sun sign so while my inner self may relate less to ur less emotional inner self, ur core personality nd outward self hav more similarities which a pisces moon will pick up on Right Away. water moon signs w a water sun sign r GOOD combos, better than 2 water suns or 2 water moons. they r generally drawn to eachother. I cant say ur cap moon would b particularly drawn to my dumb leo personality but I do think that generally cancers do like leos nd leos do like cancers cuz they see a lot of themselves in eachother nd a lot thats also new and exciting. we’re not so similar it’s boring but not so different it doesnt work, we compliment eachother well!!! there will def b times we do NOT understand eachother whatsoever emotionally, but theres enough love in the relationship to just. give eachother the support we need nd do what we can. as for rising tbh I think this becomes less important the closer u get to someone so ukno, ur my gf of 3 years its not such a defining feature of u BUT the way u express urself when u want me to b impressed by u is by achieving ur own standards of perfection so ill think ur flawless and u have an appreciation of all things beautiful. u want ppl to think ur organised and have it together. u WORRY a LOT. ur always worried what ppl think of u. ur especially worried ur not good enough for me. im a libra rising so I just. want u to like me at All Costs what a massive suck up whatever u like I say I like too im terrified of ppl thinking im in some way outrageous I just want ppl to think im fair nd good. cuz we’re so close tho these r less important in our relationship? we’ve already made our impressions ukno we kno eachother so well its rly our suns nd moons (nd venuses) that count lol. at first u might have been annoyed by my Eager To Pleaseness nd not thinking for myself nd I might hav felt intimidated by ur high standards but ? these r things of the past ukno? anyway heres my #analysis do w it what u will
talk 2 me abt astrology, reblog my tarot post
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Unsure why exactly I made this account; perhaps partially because of accountability, perhaps some motivation.  Maybe I just need a way to document my fitness stuff and bullet journaling it stresses me out (perfectionist problems).  Either way, I’m here and it’s here… so yay!
Hopefully this will be used as a means of showing myself progress, but I know every journey has setbacks.  This is just me figuring out how to like more veggies, how to stretch better so I don’t get injured so often, and how to make my body happier by doing good things for it.
I’m new to the #runblr and #fitblr community, so if you have any words of advice, I’m all ears!  I’ll likely stalk all the blogs with yummy looking bowls, workout suggestions, playlists, etc. and maybe post some of my own pics.  Who knows what this will become for me lol but I’m excited to try this out!
MY FITNESS JOURNEY
In general, I’m fairly overweight for my height.  I’m tiny, only 5′1″ on a good day, which I feel is unfair for someone who likes to eat as much as I do.  I didn’t ask to be as short as I am.  My mom, though just as short as me, has been fit nearly her whole life.  She played sports up until she was 45, has been a gym rat for the last 25 years, and is now picking up yoga like she’s been doing it for forever.  It’s been something I’ve admired, but also something I’ve resented since she barely looks like she’s aged since she had me.  While she’s tried to encourage me, I always felt like I wasn’t going to be as fit as her, and I ended up comparing my young, flabbier body to her toned, powerful one.  She’s been an intimidating force, not because she would act like it, but because I saw her body as an unreachable thing for myself.  She’s never been where I was and where I am.  Working out has never been my thing, it’s been hers.  I didn’t want to do what’s hers just because she did it and because I needed to.  Call me stubborn, but I wanted a thing that was mine that I couldn’t compare her to.
I’ve definitely struggled with being a little heavier for most of my teen-to-adult life, but I always thought that was because of the way my legs carried all my muscle.  I’ve never been a runner, but I played field hockey all throughout school and sort of dropped it as I got to college.  I ran with the athleticism that I had built up throughout my life with sports and kind of depended on it until I decided to run a half marathon the summer before senior year of college.  I trained really hard from late winter to early spring, then school got the best of me and I forgot all about the half until two weeks before.  I got through it, but a lot of it was on adrenaline since I hadn’t run more than 7 miles before the race itself.  During that spring, though, I was as fit as I could remember being since high school.  I was happy with how much I was running and how it had gotten easier, but I fell out of the pattern very quickly.
I did one whole round of T25 Alpha and Beta this past summer and saw great results, but as soon as I moved and got a job, I got lazy and never wanted to wake up so early in the morning.  I still don’t.  I’ve learned I’m not going to be that person that gets up with the sun, works out, then goes to work; I’m just not motivated that early, so I’m trying to work around it.  T25 is good, but it’s not what I want my routine to be exclusively made up of, and it’s hard because I can only do it in my own apartment living room, where I have no other fitness equipment.  They’re supposed to be building a gym in the basement of my building, but they’ve said it would be done for almost six months now and I haven’t heard anything promising.
I need to find something I can keep up with consistently, despite what my job and life are requiring of me.  I miss the endorphins.  That’s why I always go back to the running.  You can do it anywhere, you can easily track your progress, and you don’t need anything with you.
I don’t hate it now, but I want to be able to get to a point where it doesn’t make my ankles ache or I don’t have to worry about getting shin splints every other run.  I’ve been fitted for proper shoes at a running store, so it’s not that, it must be something else I’m doing.  I would like running so much more if I wasn’t terrified that I’m about to tear something or twist my knee or do some other bad thing to my legs.
Workout-wise, I have a half marathon I’m working towards in September, and I’d love to pump up my weekly mileage in general.  As I’m finding out, I have really weak wrists and ankles, so strength training is a bit of a challenge for me.  I need to build up my legs a bit again before I tack on more distance, but again, I’m finding it hard to A, find a place to consistently work out, and B, find a good time during my day.  Usually, I go to work, get home around 5:30-6 nearly spent, make some dinner, then lounge until bed.  Working a 9-5 is surprisingly exhausting.  Recently, I’ve been trying to run right after work before dinner, using my post-workout snack/meal as my dinner, but it’s not giving me enough energy as of yet.
MY EATING HABITS
I grew up pretty picky, disliking most veggies and relying mostly on breads, snacks, and sweet fruits to get me by.  Living with healthy roommates has definitely pushed me in a good direction; I’d say I’m a relatively decent eater these days.  Salads, fruits, smoothies, low sugar PB, veggie stir fry, zoodles…  But my guilty pleasures are the sugary things and the salty snacks; I’m learning how to curb my sweet tooth one dessert at a time (though Halo Top has got me hooked, damn you!) but we all need a good milkshake every so often.  Plus I have a thing for crunchy things: pretzels, chips, goldfish, etc.  Hopefully following some inspirational blogs will get me eating as many fresh ingredients as possible and trying some new things.
I’ve also found that calorie counting actually works for me, because I don’t see it as a restrictive thing.  I measure what I’ve burned versus what I’m putting in, and I like to see how I’m balancing the types of food I’m consuming.  It’s about acknowledgement for me, and it’s easy to lose track of portion size if I’m not documenting it.  If I eat a massive bowl of pasta?  Cool, writing it down, but the next day I’ll try to even it out with some extra greens at lunch or dinner.
In general, I’m pretty happy with where my diet is going, and I’m really just looking for more cool things to eat outside my little salad box.
MY MENTAL HEALTH & OVERALL HAPPINESS
I’m in this for me and me only at this point.  The spring before my first half, I was revenge-body-driven, but I’ve seen so many things about body positivity and self care these days, and I realize that I’m genuinely looking to get more fit for the right reasons this time.  I want the vessel that’s carrying me to be as capable as my mind is.  I want to be strong, not for anyone else, but to prove to myself that I can do it.  I’m proud of where I’ve been and who I am now, and it’s not like a “if I reach my goal weight, I’ll finally love myself” thing, but I will be supremely pleased that I can achieve a palpable, physical goal that I set my sights on.  I’m well aware that there will be weeks when I struggle to eat the right things to fuel my body.  There will be weeks when 2 miles feels like 8 because I didn’t stretch right.  I recognize that every workout is not going to feel great, and not every meal is going to be healthy.  I’m not that type of perfectionist, and I know myself better than to expect discipline as tough as that.  For me, that only leads to self-punishment and overworking my body.  It’s about the balance.  It’s about forgiving yourself and rewarding yourself for the good things your body accomplished.
Obviously it’s easier to type this stuff out than to actually act on it, but I figure this is a good first step.  I want to look back on this in a year, and see how far I’ve really come.
CW: 168.8 GW: 135 (but who really cares… it’s about progress)
PS for real leggings are by far the best things you can put on your legs so why in the world can’t I wear them for any and every occasion???  PANTS ARE DUMB OK
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