#and all of these people eventually go - i cant fight anymore... ive found a comfort I'm willing to live with

[maisondrew]

You’ve been on my mind lately. I think it started when i went to the club with ivan. he sat next to me and asked me how ive been, and put his arm around me and just showed mad love "yo im really glad you're here, we havent chilled in a minute". he said. Sybyr played earlier today and it hit. I think tonight is the night i finally get the chance to grieve you.

Music was our bond since the moment we met. “Je suis le noir le plus blanc que tu vas rencontrer”. When i found out you listened to metal in grade 10. Shameless in your identity and your taste in music is what i loved about you. Putting me on ferg, uzi and even tried to put me on korean pop. When you hit me and martin up to hangout in the summer, there was a part of me that dreaded it. When i left emmanuel i felt as though i made sure to remove myself from anyone there and went as far as dissociating from the identity i had there. Kept in touch with the ones i truly had love for and moved on. Seeing you meant i had to tap into that identity. Martin and i dont even fuck with each other like that anymore. The day came and martin ghosted, i pulled through. I hadnt seen you in years. You asked me to call jaya, and i did. We spent time in the parkinglot talking about life, music and the men we chose to be. You pulled up in a white beamer. You were level headed but i could tell you were happy about the car. kept emphasizing how it meant nothing to you. “I stay out of trouble. Mes amis font des bhays, moi j’vais au travail, et je rentre chez moi, je veux rien savoir.” I think that line of yours echoes through my conscious the loudest. “Je veux bouger au ouest, c’est calm ici”.

On the night Wednesday, August 10th, i was riding my motorcycle to the old port. The sun was setting and the sky was magnificent, but i couldnt shake this feeling in my stomach. The entropy in the air was strong, why does it feel like my clock is holding on by a thread? I was particularly paranoid and i couldn't comprehend why. My sixth sense was feeling particularly hazy. “is this how i go? will it be a pothole or an accident? am i gonna get drunk tn and drive into a lightpole?” I was playing eeny meeny miny moe, which one of these cars is going to projectile me on the otherside of the highway? I felt death lingering around me until i made it to the club that night. A fight broke out, and my boy got involved, so i got involved, is this it? collateral in a fight? but no, i was okay.

It was jeffs story that i saw first in the morning. “What the fuck does he know about you, why the fuck would he post that?” i messaged him, that shit wasnt funny, i was heated at 9 am. I checked cobis story, and texted jaya right away, l kept refreshing my phone while driving to work. This cant be real. But it was. The only time adulthood escapism was of any service; i was in brampton while people walked your vigil. I felt like i didnt show up for you the way you showed up for me in the west. When i came back i made sure to go to your funeral. I went alone on my bike. Found a seat and witnessed people speak on your name. Your family, your friends, and your mother. Your strong spirited mother. It was all still surreal. At your burial i was accompanied by some familiar faces, which made me feel some comfort. Your mom left fast. I wanted to stay as long as i could so i did. People came to you to say their good bye. I shied away, i didnt wanna front on anyone. One of your boys played uzi, the track you showed me in highschool. Eventually when people moved away, ivan put his arm around me and said: “come, we need to say good bye” ivan, devin, crystel and i came to see you. I put my hand on your casket and i prayed.

I prayed you found the quiet you looked for. I apologized for not putting effort to see you when i could have. And i thanked you for the music. I thanked you for the time, and thanked you for coming to see me and keeping in touch. You were always so big yet so gentle. I was far from being your closest friend, but the little bit of mutual love and respect we had for each other was enough to have me aching writing to you now. I know its meek, but i hope it is strong enough to travel to you. you really broke my heart. May your soul travel in music forever.

long live jaystarz.

[queers-of-nassau]

In defence of Billy and Eleanor? kinda?

(you don’t have all the facts? which are? I love them)

Okay, but first things first I think so many decisions they make are bad for them and for the other characters, but they’re understandable and tragic and come from a place of genuinely wanting to protect others or become better, more than being cowardly or knowingly villainous (like when Woodes Rogers does that whole keelhauling bit, hooboy sir, lemme stop ya there) - 

1. hindsight knowledge means we know how this story ends, historically and individually. so we can say nooo don’t do x, it’ll drive you further into bitterness and/or betrayal or but the end of slavery and destruction of colonialism is a good ultimate goal and worth fighting for. For them personally? For people generally? they want to survive and have a good life and protect those closest to them. Especially if this goal is being touted by a man like Flint, whom I love, and who is a bit fucking fanatical in his goals (I sometimes think if Eleanor hadn’t died she would’ve rejoined the cause for Madi, especially once hearing about some of Woodes Rogers nastier deeds). 

2. the reasons for their choices make sense for their characters. Billy’s father figure was killed by Flint and it cemented something he’d suspected from almost the very beginning of the series: Flint has a disregard for other people. and he’s right, Flint cares about the bigger picture and that requires massive sacrifice. Sure, he’s willing to make that sacrifice himself, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s kind of an awful captain (I’m sorry James, I love you and always will).

Meanwhile Eleanor is chained to Nassau more than anyone else. She wants that stability that is impossible to find on that beach and it supersedes her relationships with others, except for the times when she fights against it. (Eleanor - “amazing this place, somehow it leaves no options other than to hurt the ones you love)”

3. it’s so fucking tragic. they’re both so fucking tragic. they’re doing their best and those decisions end badly and in another world maybe that would’ve worked out. Maybe Gates wouldn’t have been killed or Flint would’ve died or he could’ve secured the pardons for Nassau in season 2, or or or... everyone on the show makes decisions that’re often balanced on a knife’s edge of going horribly wrong, but they’re the two most often at odds with other characters after season 2.

4. the story needs to fill the roles. Obviously the story we’re watching, but also the story within the story, the one Silver is kinda telling. Billy in season 4 is against doing what both Flint and Madi want, Eleanor aligns herself with Woodes Rogers (and so does Max) and this makes them Silver’s villains - or later on, in Eleanor’s case, a victim. I always think about how close Max is to falling into this space as well, except she juuust turns it around, which, speaking of...

5. Nassau vs the Bigger Picture. Nassau is so symbolic of what people want, but it also risks becoming all-encompassing - what Eleanor wants is respect from her father, stability perhaps, a healthy kind of love for once, not to be a pirate, etc. Billy wants to help people, in particular those he’s serving with, and maybe for bad things to stop happening to him idk - but these wants become Nassau instead.

While watching there’s no way one wouldn’t side with a slave rebellion, an attempt to destroy colonial rule, and freedom for all over, “I want me and mine to be okay on this island I’ve decided is where all my happiness rests, because I cannot fathom who I am without it.” 

all the characters fall into this in some way or other, but they get killed by it (so do Vane and Teach in a way in my opinion, because they’re drawn back to it) - Jack and Max are near-victims of it too. 

tl;dr I love tragic characters and billy and eleanor are so darn tragic I want to scream

#billy bones #eleanor guthrie #black sails #black sails meta #funnily enough there's a point near the end #when you know flints cause is falling to pieces #and you see how that has also become its own monster #not because it's not admirable but because it risks eating everyone in service to it #and so *I just want to protect me and mine on this island* becomes the goal we're rooting a little bit more for #in terms of max and jack and anne and featherstone and idelle #it's that thing vane talked about - resisting comfort with every fibre of his being #while flint at heart just wanted to find a reason to rest #in a lot of ways it's madi i feel the biggest tug for - she has SO MUCH RIDING IN THIS #and all of these people eventually go - i cant fight anymore... ive found a comfort I'm willing to live with #wanna talk more about madi at some point #she really landed in all these peoples drama and promises and they were just fucking dropped #madi deserves better 17kforever

[sollea]

Kingdom Hearts Mermaids AU Characters: Lea, Isa, Sora, Riku Relationship: LeaIsa, (non-mentioned) SoRiKai Word Count: 1583

Note: I’m gonna be doing more of this AU, keep an eye out. I have a lot planned. Lea + Isa picture here. Other mermaid information here. I’m reposting to try to get this into the search because for some reason the first try wasn’t.

“Hey, Isa, you remember that time I almost killed you?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that, Lea. You do that regularly.”

Lea rolled his eyes and swam up and above Isa, reaching down and dangling his arms in front of his best friend as they swam together. He silently recalled when he had to be more careful around Isa, glad for that time being over. “Nah, you know what I mean. I’ve never actually almost killed you.”

“Didn’t you just ask about the time you did?”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.”

“I need you to think for a second, just a second. Why would I forget one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had?” Isa paused his swimming and let Lea circle back so he could still be talking to Isa while looking down from above.

“I was kinda hoping you’d still be unwilling to say it like that, but you’re right. I was just thinking about how glad I am that I can touch you now.”

Isa reached up to prick his finger against one of Lea’s spines, it barely felt like anything after years of getting used to it.“It’s been ages, aren’t you used to being able to touch me without being incredibly careful by now?”

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me happy.”

Isa laughed and looked up at Lea, reaching up and cupping his face to make sure they locked eyes. He couldn’t deny Lea being so outwardly sentimental was something he loved about him. “What was your point, Lea? Did you have one or did you just want to be a dork?”

Lea moved his hand over Isa’s and smiled. “I’m just thinking about it. I was really scared you weren’t going to be my friend anymore because of that and here we are, you’re in love with me and-”

“Don’t know who said that.”

“And I love you.”

“As you should.”

“You refused to let me know you were hurting that bad, you were really strong. You’re always so strong. I just love you.”

“Sappy. Is something going on?”

“No. I really was just thinking about how nice it is to not have that happen anymore. No poisoning my friend with hugs. Now I just bother my boyfriend by being clingy.”

“Sounds like you’ve had a couple changes, then. Why are we just talking about the almost killing me part of the story?”

“Because I’m trying to get to a point.”

“You said you didn’t have one.”

“Ugh! Just stop making fun of me for two seconds. You’re obnoxious.”

“Oh? Am I really the obnoxious one?”

“Yes! Why do I even like you?”

“I’m told you’re in love.”

“Wish I wasn’t in love with someone so mean to me.”

“I’m not mean to you. I could be. Do you want me to be mean to you?”

“No. Isa.”

“Then you know I’m being as nice as I can be?”

“Isa, can you just shut up and let me talk?”

“Hah, you think I’m able to keep you from talking? You?”

“Alright, shut up.”

“Really rude to keep saying that.” Moving up in the water to press his lips to Lea’s for a moment, Isa laughed. “You like hearing me talk. You enjoy my voice.”

“If you’d let me get to my point, Isa.” He left emphasis on the second syllable as he waited to be interrupted. When there was no interruption, he sighed. “I’ve been thinking about that because of how many things we still do come from not being able to touch you. When you kiss me outside of saying hey, it makes me remember watching Aeleus help you into the castle when I hugged you. Y’know, that should’ve had you paralyzed?”

“Yes, I’m aware. Are we really going over some backstory? Can’t we just continue this swim, head up to the beach, and relax there while it’s empty?”

“Am I not allowed to talk to my best friend anymore?”

“You are, but your boyfriend is getting impatient.”

“Then tell him to stop being an asshole.”

“He’s not about to listen, he’s just as stubborn as you are. Now, seriously, come on. There’s nothing we can’t talk about while relaxing somewhere even just a little safer than open ocean between islands.”

“Fine.”

“And I bet you don’t remember what your point was anyways.”

“I just told you what it was.”

“Oh? Was that it?”

“I hate you.”

Isa laughed and rolled his eyes, deciding to let that empty statement stand, returning to the other part of what he’d been saying. “We wouldn’t be between islands if you just remembered where we were going.”

“You could’ve told me I was swimming the wrong way.”

“You’re almost always ahead of me. It’s your fault for going so far so fast.”

“You could’ve noticed.”

“Excuse me for trusting the one who decided to take the lead.”

“You weren’t even trusting me, I know you better than that.”

“Fine, I was laughing at you for going the wrong way, but we didn’t run into any humans with nets, so it’s fine.”

“If that’s your metric, then, yeah, I guess. You sure you’re going to be fine doing your job when we get back?”

“If I’m too tired for the day, the world won’t fall apart if I don’t go in.”

“But you will.”

“Yes, I will. Of course I will. You will too.”

“Nah, I’m gonna skip out. Be irresponsible and sleep all day. Place won’t fall apart without me.”

Isa rolled his eyes and wrapped his hands around Lea’s wrists carefully, webbing between his fingers getting in the way of a full and comfortable grasp. He wasn’t going to say it aloud, but he really did want to just sit on the beach with Lea and look up at the moon until they were too dry to stay on land. “Lea, start moving, I want to get home eventually, but the moon is full tonight.”

“You’re the one who stopped?”

Isa didn’t respond to Lea and instead opted to swimming forward with a small tug of Lea’s arms before letting go to continue swimming. He could be much faster when he wanted to be, a tuna tail was much better suited to going quickly than anyone who had only met Isa alone would be led to believe. Lea had to fight to keep up with Isa.

“Hey, Isa, slow down.”

“You can keep up, I believe in you.”

“Why am I dating you?”

“Why am I dating someone so slow?”

“Ugh! Fine. I don’t want to race, though, so slow down a little bit?”

Isa fell back, swimming at Lea’s pace and bumping their hips together. Lea still had the tendency to be careful around other people, despite Isa being all but completely immune to his sting because of the constant exposure. Isa had no such care. Lea responded to the bump by wrapping his tail around Isa’s, taking a position most used for comfortable relaxing while not moving.

“You really don’t want to let me see the moon above the water tonight, do you?”

“We’re still moving. You know how to pull me around, I know you do.”

“You’re lucky your tail isn’t as short as your dad’s is.”

“And you’re not. Pull me along.”

“Don’t be lazy.”

“Too late. I’m comfortable. And I know you can do this for a significantly longer time.”

Isa just sighed, shaking his head at Lea’s dorky actions. He loved Lea a great deal, but sometimes it was difficult… this was not one of those times, Isa found, as he glanced back to look at Lea’s smirk.

They didn’t have that far to go, so the rest of their swim was in silence. They pulled themselves onto the deserted beach carefully and hacked the water up out of their lungs.

As soon as they were comfortably on the beach and breathing air, Lea flopped backwards into the sand and groaned. “I will never be used to that.”

“What?”

“Having to cough up that much water.”

“You’ll never get used to anything different than your first two years alive, will you?”

“Oh, shut up. You wanted to lay here and talk and look at the moon, so lay down with me.”

Isa rolled his eyes and laid down next to Lea, holding his arm out so he could be leaned against if Lea decided he wanted to. And of course Lea wanted to.

Just as Lea got comfortable, there was a sound of footsteps that was just too close for comfort. Lea moved away and began to slide back into the water and Isa followed behind him.

They got into the water just as a pair of human children locked eyes with them.

“Wait, no, don’t go!” One of the children called out to the mermaids, reaching his hand out only to have the other grab him and hold him back.

“Sora, leave them alone. Kairi didn’t want to be seen either.”

“Yeah, but… We’re friendly.”

The mermaids stared at the gently arguing children in confusion, slowly backing up in the water so they could have a good distance between them. Where had they picked up this human language?

Suddenly, Lea realized the humans had said a name.

“...Did you say Kairi?” Lea was too curious to continue the act of self preservation Isa was still anxious to do, but not without Lea. He knew that and he could see Isa ready to bolt, but he needed to know.

#kingdom hearts #lea #isa #leaisa #akusai #kh #sora #riku #at the end #they'll be there more later #kh mermaids au

[ryanbitchbard]

The mIllenial Man

I was walking to the abandoned school house to find a photograph from my ex girlfriend Mary.  I was given the photo as a teenager and been meaning to find it for a while.  I didn’t have much going for at the time.  I would spend my nights digging through nostalgia.

It had been a difficult six months.  Since my girlfriend left i have been sort of a bummer.  I burned through what little friends I had who would give me company.  Apparently, people don’t want to hang with negativity.  With no one to hang out with I had nothing to do but come home from work and browse the internet.  For the last four months my life had become an endless loop of videos and pointless nostalgia.  I just didn’t feel the need to really do anything.  Lately I’ve been digging into old photos.  Trying to relive old memories.  I recently found a picture of the old school house that we would hang in as kids.  I planned on going Friday after work.  I wanted to find this picture of my old girlfriend.  She wrote me a note in the back of it.  I really wanted to read what it said.  We were so happy back than.  I know its not healthy but I haven’t had much to do.  I was living for the past.  I’m not depressed but I do have huge issues.

I broke the hinges off the door.  I walked into lobby.  Everything was dark and dusty.  This place got run down.  It looked as if people hadn’t been there in at least ten years.  I remember when it first closed down because of the lead problem.  It became a hangout for misfit teenagers.  The smell brought me back to that time.  I remembered everything.  The nights drinking and smoking, the after school hang outs, and the casual hook-ups.  I needed to find the picture.  It was a Polaroid picture she gave me one night during our senior year.  She told me about the note that she wrote in the back.  I wasn’t supposed to read it until I got home.  It was my valentines present.  We left after she thought she heard people walking in and snuck out through the back.  When I got home the picture was gone.  I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time as I was still dating her.  I told myself I would go back to get it after school.  I never did.  Eventually, we graduated and broke up.  We both went to separate schools in different states.  The thought of her would enter my mind every now and than but I had moved on.   A year after college I moved to Philadelphia and the rest is history.

The room was dark and dusty.  I didn’t know if it was possible to find the photo.  This is the first time I had been there in fifteen years.  I continued to look.  Flashes of memories came flooding back every corner I searched.  Memories of drugs with people I barely remember.  Laughs with people who used to mean so much to me, yet mean nothing now.  A tear rolled down my cheek.  I was putting in so much effort to relive these times with people I don’t care about.   Everything I picked up sent dust flying in my face.  The school wasn’t that big and figured if the photo wasn’t in the few places it would have been stolen.  I decided to look in other rooms just as a memorial of a by gone era.  I entered one of the classrooms.  the room seemed different.  The room seemed a little more well Kept.  Still dusty but a lot less.  It appeared that people have been in here recently.  “I wonder how after people come in here?”

“More than you think.”

I jumped and ran behind the teachers desk.  I didn’t know where that voice had come from.  I was terrified.  I stayed hidden for a minute than he spoke again.

“Its okey.  I’m not going to bite.”

He had an odd accent.  He sounded Dutch with a hint of Arab.  I cant explain.  He had an old way of speaking.

“Are you just going to hide behind the desk?  I see your feet.  Ive been here long enough for my eyes to get used to the dark.”

I slowly got up.  No point in pretending I’m not here.  I shined my flashlight.  It was just an old guy.  He looked elderly and fit at the same time.  

“Who are you?”

“Just a guy.  I don’t have business here.  If that’s what you’re wondering.”

“What’s your name?”

“Everett.  That’s the last name I went by.”

I walked towards him.  I had questions.  Starting with the obvious.

“Why are you here?”

“To die.”

I jumped after hearing that.  

“Why?  What’s wrong?”

“People live and people die.  Nothing’s wrong.  Seems normal.”

“Are you sick?”

“Nope just dyin.”

“Where are your friends and family?”

“All dead.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m over it.”

“Why are you so indifferent?”

“I’m not.  People live and people die.  They died a long time ago.  There’d be something wrong with me if I were still upset.  Are ya gonna cry about Lincoln.”

“No.  But I never met him.”

Everett laughed.

“The guy was a hourses ass.  Did good but could be a huge jerk.”

“Are you saying you’re old enough to remember Lincoln?”

“I used to have drinks with him.”

“Shut up!”

I was beginning to think the man was senile.  Just a random drifter taking a rest.  Although, there was something, oddly, coherent about him.  I had a lot of trouble believing he was just a random nut job.  The man laughed again.

“Sorry.  I forgot to mention I have lived over a thousand years.”

 I laughed.  Now I was convinced he was insane.  No big deal, I thought.  I would just humor him and be on my way.  I needed some entertainment.

“Really?!  What’s that like?”

“I know you don’t believe me.  Thats fine.  Ive been around to long to care.  Ive known so many people, had so many groups of best friends, and have explained this many times.  You believe whatever you want.”

“Why have you chosen to die here?”

“Comfort.  Its cool in here.  I’m not a big fan of summer.”

I felt confused but found him interesting.  I had nothing better to do than listen any way.  So I just sat near him.  It could be a good way to pass the time.  I was going to keep engaging.  

“What’s your story?”

“Its long.”

“I have time.”

“I won’t tell you all of it as most of my story is shit.  Not all stories are worth mentioning.  I was born a thousand years ago to Danish farmers.  My family was killed when I was five.  I had to move on pretty quickly.  I was taken by another family who I would eventually call my own.  I grew up without parents.  I just had a bunch of older siblings.”

“What happened to that family?”

“Most lived to the healthy age of thirty-four.  That was the standard age back than.  I was surprised when I found myself still alive.  When I said goodbye to ma sister Jesé, I was filled with emotion.  She drifted off forever.  I thought I’d be dead within in a month.  At least in the next couple.  But I never died.  Twenty years later I found myself surrounded by friends and workers.  I met an older lady and we decided to migrate to the Middle East.  Ten years later my friends started to die off.  I thought it would be my time.  It wasn’t.  I still lived.  I I held my friend Tab in my arms for the last time.  We kissed and she slowely faded.  I still didn’t die.”

“Thats interesting.  It sounds like you had an interesting life.”

I felt very self conscious.  I think a part of me did believe him.

“Compared to my life you’ve done so much.”

“You seem like a bore.  I didn’t mean to offend but I don’t care if i did.  Most people I’ve met in the past hundred years have been incredibly boring.  It keeps getting worse.  Barely anybody gets stabbed anymore.  At least in America.”

“We’re at war!!”

“This is not a war.  My heart rate hasn’t risen in three decades.”

“Are you just going to sit here for another thousand years?”

“Nope.  I’m dyin soon.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’ve never felt like this before.”

He became silent.

“So?  Maybe you’re sick?”

“Nope.  I know what that feels like.  Being sick just makes ya feel broke.  Like there is a piece in ya that’s loose.  This doesn’t feel like anything’s loose.  It feels like the piece is oldd and rusty.  Another way to look at it......  Its like when you see your dog growing up.  You watch the first time he walks up the stairs.  You feel pride.  Years later you slowly watch him loose that ability.  Thats what this feels like.  Like growing backwards. 

“That sounds scary.”

“Ive felt worse.  This is just different.”

“What advice would you give a young person like me?”

“I don’t know.  You’re probably not going to live my life.  Most people die pretty early.  I guess I would tell you not to waste it.”

“Shut up!  That’s so cliche.  I want something useful.  I don’t need a dumb Disney quote.”

“Okey.  Don’t stab your friends in the back.  I know the stakes aren’t as high as they used to be but you would all be a lot happier if you had more honor.”

“Okey.  I get it!”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-nine.” “Jeeze!!  You’d be almost dead if it were a thousand years ago!  Get livin!!”

Talking with this ma had become a chore.  I knew he was right about my life but I Didnt like hearing from a stranger.  I was about to leave when he began again.

“Ya know.... ...your generation is lucky it gets the time it does, but your life would have more meaning you had less time.  You guys get eighty years on average but only ten of them are worth talking about.  You spend the the rest living in a box.  For god sakes!!!  Stab one person!!  When my first wife died I stabbed my best friend for insulting her.  Did I regret it?  Yes but I had the gumption to do it.”

“Sounds psychotic.”

“Kind of.  But I had fun.”  

“I’m fine.  I don’t need to live an exciting life.”

“Most people don’t live any kind of life.  Ya move to the city, drink at a bar once a week, and call that living.  Nothing exciting happens during your time.”

“I’m living through a war.”

“I cut a man with a Sabre!  I also got cut with that same Sabre.  I remember when the blades became obsolete.  China brought guns to the table.  I had to learn a new way of fighting.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“Now I’m gonna die.  And in all my years I’ve come to realize the futility of it all and that’s what makes it worth it.  You’re born to walk the earth in search of meaning, you find meaning, and the meaning is ripped away from you.  I used to think I had a curse.  Now i feel it to be a blessing.  I got to live several lives.  Once i got over my existential dread it became an adventure.  I made friends who have died but they still mean as much now as they did when alive.  Now people live twice as long.  I managed to keep my friendships longer within the last two-hundred years.”

“You don’t feel that they’re more meaningless?”

“Nah.  Like I said....I got over that dread hundreds of years ago.  Although I don’t talk to many people now a days.  I enjoy my solitude.  Every now and than i’ll talk with a curious person who wants to know my story.  Like you.  Although, I’m not sure how interested you really are but you’re still here.  I enjoy company but taking in the world alone is something I crave now.  Ive been, happily, alone for the last thirty years.  Just thinkin.  Reflecting on my life, other’s lives, and the future of man kind.  Sadly, I won’t get to see it.”

We spent the next hour talking about life.  Not just his and mine but all of life.  He talked of past atrocities and what that meant to him.  He brought up the inquisition and how many people were killed.  He talked of Genghis Khan and his destruction.  I asked him about the twentieth century atrocities and he acknowledged em but lived to long to give it much thought.  He seemed romantic and distant to his life at the same time.  He talked of people he killed the most.

“My favorite way to kill was through the stomach into the heart.  Looking them in the eyes while life drains from them.  I hold a special place in my heart for the people I’ve loved and the people ive killed.  If i stab you in the heart I you mean more to me than the person I liked.  I remember everybody I slaughtered this way.  The people I love have a similar place.  My favorite was Lenore.  I remember every night with her.  Every kiss and every fuck.  She means more to me than any any other lover or victim of my blade.”

“How did you get over her?”

“She was both my lover and my victim.  At the age of forty, after twenty years together, she wanted my head.  Out of respect, I accepted the dule.  She got me in the stomach but it was I who made the fatal blow.  We kissed one last time and it meant more to me than anything.”

“Jesus!!!  Thats psychotic!”

“Was more common than you think.”

“Why did she want you dead?!”

“Family issues.  Ive moved on.  That final kiss was closure for me.  After her I took on few lovers and fiends who could match how she made me feel.”

“How do you go on knowing that you may never find another love like that?  That any love will just be meaningless compared to what you once had?”

“I don’t look at it like that.  Sure she made more of an impact than any person ive had the pleasure of loving or killing, but I don’t think about that while I’m having another experience.  I enjoy the times ive had and I don’t let the past make me miserable.  They’re little memories I collect during my life, But they don’t define my future.  Anyway, its harder to take many people seriously now considering Ive had so many experiences with people.  Now I’m just waiting to die.  I think that’s all I have to offer today.  I think that’s it.  If not today than tomorrow.  I wish you luck during your life.”

I slowly get up to leave when he touches my shoulder.

“Were you looking for this?”

The man hands me a photo.  The photo was of Mary.  Its the Polaroid I was looking for.

“Wow!  Thank you!  I was looking for this!”

“I found it here when I first got here.  Just laying in a pile crap.  There’s a note in the back.  I didn’t read it yet.”

I left the old school house shortly after the man handed me the photo.  I got the old photo.  Somehow I didn’t feel as excited as I thought I would.  As I looked at Mary i felt the way I did when I played old video games from my childhood.  Like I was looking for the finale of a rom com instead of an old memory from my past.  This wasn’t real.  

At this moment I felt like I needed to get my life back to reality.  To stop living in the past and to live now.  Hang with my friends again and stop being such a drag.  I looked at the photo one more time wondering if I should read the note.  The wind picked up and the photo went with it.  I braced to go catch it than I stopped.  I let it go.  Whatever the note said it doesn’t matter now.  She might not have even remembered.   I turned and walk toward my car.

#nastalgia #old #elderly #memories #creepy #death #coping

[baekhoneyed]

tagged by @kokokysoo for one of those “get to know me” memes! (under the cut cuz its so long)

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (idk how many people ill end up tagging and dont feel obligated!!)

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water but like i think my flatmates put vodka in the ice cube trays so?? not sure exactly how much is accidentally Not Water

2. Phone Call: uhhhhh a study abroad program advisor

3. Text Message: my older brother tryna convince me that i’ll make friends eventually lmao

4. Song you listened to: i actually stopped writing this to grab a sweater but then TT came on and i instinctively dance to it now so that happened

5. Time you cried: almost last night but like... not enough feelings to actually cry yet just wait

6. Dated someone twice: never even dated someone once, bro...

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i never regret giving my dog kisses but sometimes my cat swipes at me :/

8. Been cheated on: gotta have a boyfriend first to get cheated on

9. Lost someone special: yup

10. Been depressed: only since i was 12 years old  l m f a o

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i hate puking so i never go past being tipsy

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. red!

13. millennial pink fight me

14. rose gold fight me again

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yyyes but i sure would like to make some more Here, at my Current University

16. Fallen out of love: mmm not Love but definitely Like? i stopped Liking someone who i had a crush on

17. Laughed until you cried: so frequently it’s worrisome

18. Found out someone was talking about you: um did u mean middle and high school? i was such a petty bitch tho i put em in their places after crying in my room alone lmfao

19. Met someone who changed you: yes yes yes! dallon is the first who comes to mind he’s... no words

20. Found out who your friends are: ummm i dont know?

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list: ...my mom??? lmao

GENERAL:

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them except a few who ive just added bc we’re all transfer students to the same university this year and im Desperate

23. Do you have any pets: yes!! 2 cats, Harry and Kai (shut up ok i’ve always liked that syllable in chinese) and one dog, Lady my perfect cuddle angel baby

24. Do you want to change your name: honestly... sometimes yeah? but only because it’s so boring when it’s translated into chinese/korean so maybe i’d just change my names in those languages idk

25. What did you do for your last birthday: probably just went out to dinner w/ my family, but when i got back to my old college my friends and i went to a store in Queens it was such a good day...

26. What time did you wake up: like... noon probably lmao #depression

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: rewatching exo next door and gettin emotional over ksoo

28. Name something you can not wait for: THE POWER OF MUSIC BITCH LESS THAN 12 HOURS NOW

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: a couple weeks ago when she and my dad helped me move in to my apartment

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i didnt have fucking depression! anxiety is easy to deal with for me but depression isnt

31. What are you listening to right now: walk on memories

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i have a 2nd cousin named Tom he’s like 50 years old

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ......so much

34. Most visited website: netflix/facebook/tumblr

35. Mole/s: one on my back, one on my neck, one under my left boob... i think that’s it

36. Mark/s: mostly bruises on my shins bc im clumsy; also some shaving scars from like 3+ years ago (one of em bled for 4 days while i was in china!)

37. Childhood dream: typical american kid stuff like ballerina and movie star

38. Hair color: medium brown i guess? it used to be lighter but it’s been getting darker as i get older

39. Long or short hair: i just cut it short again so it’s just touching my shoulders when dry (it’s wavy-curly so it’s a bit longer than that in reality)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yeah can i have uhhhhhhhh byun baekhyun? no one irl tho

41. What do you like about yourself: ive got a great complexion that has really calmed down in the past few years! and i love my eyes ive got gorgeous eyes and a nice smile and a cute body and ive been doin self-love the past year can u tell?

42. Piercings: just regular ear piercings that i only got... a year ago...

43. Blood type: i never remember but maybe O? whichever one is the most common i think idk tho

44. Nickname: lulu is a nickname, ummm ive had a few friends call me em or ems which is cute

45. Relationship status: chronically single and repulsive to the male population, perhaps?

46. Zodiac: sun in pisces/leo rising (fun fact when i was little a kid asked me my sign so i said pisces and he called me fish poop so i cried) (he was probably a gemini the fuckin asshole), year of the tiger

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite tv show: pushing daisies, 30 rock, scrubs, grey’s anatomy but only up til the 8th season then it’s bad

49. Tattoos: i actually almost got one a few weeks ago but then i lost my job :/ i wanted to get “je ne regrette rien” tattooed on my hip bone real small

50. Right or left handed: right - i used to be able to write pretty well with my left hand but alas...

51. Surgery: yyyup wisdom teeth removal, eyelid surgery to get rid of some bumpy things, broken arm when i was like 1.5 years old, and im getting lasik next summer probably

52. Piercing: ya already asked ya doofus

53. Sport: my dad made me play basketball in middle school i got 2 technical fouls bc i had anger issues so i stopped playing basketball. i got Decent at ballet tho!

54. Vacation: we havent really had the money lately

55. Pair of trainers: i just bought 2 new pairs bc i ruined my only pair in seoul and had to throw them out (they got soaked in the rain and then mildewed n all) (side note: they’re so expensive?? the adidas and nike were as expensive as the new balance which is Silly so i just bought adidas and nike)

MORE GENERAL:

56. Eating: nothing rn but i need to go get dinner...

57. Drinking: did we not already go over this

58. I’m about to go: either to the dining hall or to a nearby restaurant im honestly not sure 

59. Waiting for: exo to move in next door to me only to discover that one of them is my childhood best friend-slash-first love and another has fallen in love with me and my clumsy but lovable personality :)

60. Want: byun baekhyun (im kidding kind of, um i want to make friends here and be less anxious about my classes and life in general)

61. Get married: yeah one day but so far no one i’ve met is Vibing with that seeing as no one will even ask me out im not Super Hopeful :/

62. Career: chinese major/korean minor at a university um hopefully after i graduate someone will hire me and give me money to do something i dont completely hate but we’ll see

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: i literally would not know so i will say Hugs because they’re the only things ive experienced! and i could use a really long hug rn

64. Lips or eyes: ...eyes... but lips r important too cuz i cant even look at a photo of amy schumer anymore w/out staring at her terrifying lips

65. Shorter or taller: taller but someone around my height would be ok too (.....im just sayin im like the same height as bbh...)

66. Older or younger: older bc im not about to go dating a freshman or a high schooler lmfao

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: arrrrrrrrms

68. Hookup or relationship: never had either but i think i’d prefer a stable relationship to some extent?? we just dont know

69. Troublemaker or hesitant: im a troublemaker when im comfortable w/ people/places but other than that hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

70. Kissed a stranger: no

71. Drank hard liquor: yeah it’s nasty :/ but it does the trick

72. Lost glasses/contact lenses: somehow no

73. Turned someone down: ya this one guy hit on me when i was walking thru myeongdong but he was a) a stranger b) 25 years old c) from egypt so like it was never gonna happen buddy

74: Sex on the first date: gonna need a first date before i can even answer (the answer would be no i am not down w/ that) 

75. Broken someone’s heart: probably not, ill dont think im capable of doing that plus im still so young that realistically it just hasnt been a possibility

76. Had your heart broken: not really, my silly crushes have all been resolved easily bc i never talk about them and then i notice things i dont like about the person and stop liking them like that

77. Been arrested: no but a friend of mine got arrested for trespassing on a roof in nyc last year lmao

78: Cried when someone died: yeah

79. Fallen for a friend: sort of? briefly? it never went anywhere it was silly

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. Yourself: i try to most days but it’s rough

81: Miracles: i mean im not a non-believer but i also don’t actively wait for them to happen or really put much stock in them

82. Love at first sight: im not sure because bbh hasnt seen me yet so how would we know??

83. Santa Claus: not anymore i think when i was 8 i sorta stopped

84. Kiss on the first date: never even had a first date or a first kiss ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

85. Angels: um yeah actually! proof they exist - byun baekhyun do kyungsoo kim jongdae kim jongin the list goes on,,

OTHER:

90. Current best friends: dallon, lilli, ida, stephanie, aria!

91: Eye color: light green. i have Gorgeous eyes!!!

92: Favorite movie: a taiwanese movie called Secret, i rly liked ksoo’s movie Hyung, Chicago the Musical... there are more but im drawing a blank

i guess ill tag... no one but if ur reading this and u wanna do it feel free to say i tagged u! i love learning about u guys it makes me feel less alone

#about me #long post // #tysm for tagging me i love being recognized as a Person!!