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#and almost didnt realize i wrote it myself
munch-mumbles · 7 days
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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on
#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other#meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20#tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are#few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is#get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went#on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves#like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more#chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already#nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them#up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t#finish my sentence#and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves#so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me#then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear#and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning#during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the#door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her#why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking#basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore#cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come#back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open#ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me#GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan#im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just#gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean#im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other#LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!
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howelljenkins · 3 months
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hi this is so random but i need to wax poetic. you have no obligation to reply to this. also i do not mean this in a parasocial way at ALL lmao i recognize that idk you trust. i first found ur blog in 2020 as a eighth grader in lockdown that was completely lost. i had lost my uncle to covid during that time and went from being a stellar student to receding into my shell and watching my grades tank. my shit home situation and undiagnosed depression led to me sinking into any form of escapism possible, mainly thru the form of books. i was super obsessed with perry johnson LMAO at the time and had all the time in the world to look into the fandom. this was around the time the unnamed author was just, like, violently and belligerently racist and scathing to any fans that questioned otherwise. being a tumblrina, i went to this site to see people comment on this, only to find you and ur mutuals were the only people openly discussing how he was just plain vile. i remember how sickened i felt seeing how you and other people of color were getting doxxed and threatened for pointing out what i thought was incredibly obvious. as a rlly sheltered person of color, this was the first time it struck me that the world was lying about how much they were actually willing to stick up for us, as before that i was just stupidly optimistic. anyways bc of that i started checking ur blog like EVERYDAY because of how much your words resonated with me. i was in complete awe of just how witty you were, and how you took no shit from people. granted this was a defense mechanism from crazy ass white fandom bitches but it was still weirdly inspiring. i still remember seeing u pull out the yale trap card so often and being like, oh shit this girl is something else lol thats hysterical. for the rest of high school i would keep up to date with u and specifically ur writing and poetry on promethes. kal i need you to realize your words actually rearranged my brain. the poems about your great grandfather, your mother, your pos friend, of being a horror, to love and to be loved is rest, everything EVERYTHING is etched into my memory. i really feel like i stumbled onto the modern fucking plato or something. anyways my critical thinking skills and love of poetry both are strongly influenced by you. i used to be the kind of person that hated everything and couldnt bear the thought of tolerating this world for another second. but your unyielding positivity and optimism, and insistence that kindness being the more difficult choice is inherently more radical really changed me. ik u didnt invent that or yadda yadda but u really made it seem real. im still learning to take each day slower, to breathe in a little deeper, but the beauty of so many things i previously dismissed is so obvious to me now. that post you made about you and ur mutuals educating a whole generation is so true lol. so just thank you. honestly thank u thank u thank you from the bottom of my heart. im a senior now who just submitted my yale application tonight and thought of you and im a little drunk right now so i think thats why i wrote this whole ass essay but just. like idk. u changed me and idek know you. i made my friend who got into princeton a trap card bc urs was so inspiring lol. anyways i truly hope you have a peaceful happy life and a good night. your soul is really such a beautiful thing and you deserve the world pls never settle for anything less
idc if it’s parasocial i love u and want the best for u and know u will go far and i almost doxxed myself by telling u the city i live in so u could look me up if you’re ever here lol. ik im a stranger or whatever but im proud of u idc ur like my adopted little sibling now. also @taumoeba yale card inspiring generations
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darethshirl · 18 days
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Writing Pattern Tag Game
super late with this but better late than never! thank you for the tags @fadedsweater, @anneapocalypse, and @dragon--sage 🥰🥰 tagging back @roguelioness, @sarsaparillia, @korcariiwitch, @queenaeducan, @rosella-writes, @dreadfutures, @melisusthewee, @mel-0n-earth and anyone who sees this and wants to do it tbh!
Rules: list the first line of your last 10 fics and see if there's a pattern!
Goblins were disgusting, wretched little creatures, but even Astarion had to admit they knew how to throw a party.
from i'm not beaten by this yet (you can't tell me to regret) (bloodweave, explicit, 3k words)
It was only after Astarion had finished the kill—after the gut-deep slash, the satisfying spurt of blood—that he realized he was being watched.
from tear it through my heart (again, again, again) (tavstarion, mature, 4k words)
The cemetery was a quiet, unassuming little place, hidden between a shabby building and a formerly-tall church wall that was swiftly falling into ruin.
from cradle me with grace (tavstarion, explicit, 3k words)
Baldur’s Gate buzzed with all the activity of a healthy city, lively and unchanging throughout the ages.
from so long to this wretched form (tavstarion, teen, 4k words)
The tower at Moonrise was both more imposing and more cramped than Astarion had imagined.
from take me under, take me home (tavstarion, teen, 6k words)
The moon shone high overhead, and Ketheric Thorm’s world was crumbling all around him.
from deus proditus (Ketheric study, general, 1k words)
The thing was, Astarion really had wanted her from the moment he’d first laid eyes on her.
from let me wrap my teeth around the world (tavstarion, explicit, 5k words)
In retrospect, John should have waited before bringing his friends back to life.
from like prometheus we are bound, our godforsaken lot (John/Mercy/Augustine, The Locked Tomb, general, 2k words)
It starts so abruptly that Cliff doesn’t even realize what’s happening.
from you know how to make me crawl (Cliff/David, Black Mirror, explicit, 1k words)
Despite everything, and despite what her future memories will tell her, Erica grew up relatively happy in the House of Slaughter.
from ain’t it a gentle sound, the rolling in the graves (Erica study, Something Is Killing The Children, teen, 2k words)
so!! first of all I'm surprised I had to go deep enough that I ran out of bg3 fics lmao. I'd almost forgotten I'd written that black mirror fic!! and yet I didnt go far enough to reach a dragon age one 🥲 I really have left this fandom huh (for now! 😤🐺)
second of all, I'm surprised by how short some of these are! I definitely think of myself as more wordy, and I prefer my longer sentences when I look at this. I think the weakest are the bg3 ones in the middle where I have to establish which act we're in (and let me tell you I STRUGGLED with that Baldur's Gate city description, it was literally the last part I wrote in the fic and you can kinda tell i wanted to get things over with aksdh)
I do prefer the ones that are more character-centric (poor Ketheric, so dramatic lmao). I think if you're going in fandom-blind John's line is the most striking (he can bring people back from the dead???) even tho if you have the context it's not that impressive an opening 😂 And I super enjoyed writing astarion being a dick about goblins!
but I gotta say my favourite line is the "it was only after Astarion had finished the kill" etc etc from tear it through my heart 🥰🥰 in fact I liked that line so much I made it the summary! these are the kind of vibes I want to always achieve 👀 also, honestly, I should start in action/medias res more often! it seems like a fun style I've tragically underused so far
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tweeterwilbury · 2 months
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In september 2023 (i think) someone said that this fucking ant looks like bob dylan and i thought haha yeah it really looks like him and then i thought i should edit that picture so it could look more like him. And i forgot about that until a friend said it in the middle of a talk and i ran to edit it but i spent so much time trying to draw a hair that would look like bob's hair and it wouldnt work at all so in the end i just did that and put a big harmonica and the guitar there. I didnt even realize that the guitar was so much smaller than the harmonica. I think that after all that i forgot to send the image to my friend and im almost sure i never posted it anywhere even thought i have sent it to multiple different people. And now everytime i see that thing on my gallery i ask myself why i never posted it. Thank you if you took time to read the entire story of the sad bob dylan ant i have no idea of why i wrote all that
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beskarberry · 1 year
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Ok so I really wanted to write something for new years but instead I had a panic attack bcz I realized I literally don't know how to write anymore lol so i wrote this just to make myself laugh written dieter bravo x f reader warnings: dieter bravo
the worst fic ever
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k so like ur sitting at home and in ur pjs all comfy with ur cat and watching netflix eating popcorn off ur shirt when u hear a knock at ur door. u get up and spill all your shirtcorn on the floor, but carry your cat with u because you didnt order anything from amazong in like 3 days so kitty might have to maul a bitch. u open the door and it’s the hottest man ever, dieter bravo. u almost drop kitty bcz you just say dieter bravos hot face on the covere of the magazine u keep in the bathroom, but the real face was way less wrinkly or melted from the shower. the plush duck face lips were the same hto. 
“hey b b girl” dieter sais, leaning on ur doorframe, his ugly wookie pelt robe falling open to reveal he is wearing nothing but boxers and crocs. “i heard u enjoy eating junk food and getting your junk food ate out. do u wanna sit on my face?” 
ur like “omg dietr bravo!! im not wearing any makeup!! or pants!!” but he just lafs at that because tahts what he likes about u. 
“ya girl i know thats why im heer. the way u scratch ur ass called me like a siren and i just had to come get a taste of that sweet couch cake.” he pushes his sunglasses up on his head, his eyes are bloodshot from smoking too much weed. “well? do u wanna have sex with me or not?”
“duh,” u spit, setting kitty on the floor. “but im not sitting on ur face, my kneeds will give out.”
“right on.” he loafs in to your house, tripping over kitty whne she swats at his tatered robe. “i like your raccoon”
“dont look her in the eye or she will eat your face.” u say right before smushing your face into his. his mouth tastes like doritos and montain dew, and he smells like an old couch that you crashed on once. his chest is sticky when you put ur hands on it, kind of crunchy too, just like that couch. he has huge hands that scoop under ur ass and throw you on the bed and rip of your pjs. ur phone goes flying out the pocket, probsbly never to be seen again. 
hes on top of you fast, pinnning you to the bed, slopply groping under ur shirt for ur boobs that bounce boobily. he chokes u with ur tank top trying to get it off but u kinda think thats hot. his robe hits the floor and skitteres away, leaving him in his boxers he got for christmas in 1998. his cocke is huge, huger than his hands. it snaps the elastic and booings out on to your tumpy. 
“dont worry baby ckaes ull get this dick after i get taht snatch” he grabs ur legs and throws them over his shoulder and eats ur pussy until u scream and cum all over his face. he snorts it like coke
“omg mr bravo how do you eat pussy so good??!” you breate breathlessley
“i like pudding cups and i never leav them empty.” he pulls actual coke out of his hair and stuffs it up his nose. “ r u ready baby gril?”
“yes daddy!” 
he likes that. he fuckes his whole schmeat into ur cunt and it eats it all up. the sound is os wet and obscene it sounds like a car wash. he fucks you and cums all over ur tits, then flips u over and fucks u again but then coms on ur ass. there is so much cum. u are cumming too. the bed breaks from so much fucking and cumming. dieter keeps going until his coke high wears off. u totaly almost die bcz uv never been fucked so good and so much
“wow mr bravo thank u” u say. talking makes cum gush out ur ass
“ur welcom. btw ur my wife now.” he lights a joint
“ok but u have to stop doing so many drugs”
“sure” 
he buys u ur own crocs and u love happily ever after
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theratartist-2815 · 26 days
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wrote sum stuff for a scott pilgrim oc of mine
said writing continued under the cut, check tags for tws
i am snapped awake by a jolt of electricity, exploding through my veins and putting a jumpstart to my heart. it felt like a kick from a mule whenever my heart started pounding, like an old train engine suddenly forced to carry freight after not being in use for so long.
it was cold. i was cold. my eyes flew open as i sat up like i had been pulled by some otherworldly force. i looked around. it was dark. two men in glasses cheered, round and square framed.
"HES ALIVE!" the one in the circular frames cried, his clothes and glasses covered in blood. thats when i became aware of my own body, completely bare against the cold stainless steel metal operating table.
i only saw more blood, and fresh stitches on my abdomen where i had been operated on. my brain flickered to life, though nothing about myself i knew. it was confusing. i was dazed, momentarily.
i realized i had tubes attached to me, in my arms and on the back of my neck. thats when the adrenaline rush hit, and it hit hard. the men were still cheering as i ripped the tubes from my body, getting up off of the table, stumbling as i struggled to walk.
the man in the circular glasses didnt notice me get up, so i ran. however, the one with the sharp rectangular ones noticed and tried to subdue me.
i felt my arm move back, then barrel towards the mans face like a bullet. it hit him smack on the nose, with a small crack. the punch i threw was almost like muscle memory. memory that my brain didnt have.
i think i broke his nose, but i definitely broke his glasses. he fell to the ground, in agony. he called for the man in the circular frames.
midas.
that name i wont forget. thats because i knew what that name was from. greek mythology. the king of phyrgia, who could turn anything to gold, haven been blessed by dionysus.
thats when i put two and two together, as i ran up the stairs, my bare feet smacking against cold concrete. i had just been brought back from the cold clutches of death.
ironic his name was midas, then. he brought me back to life. no touch of gold, a touch of life. though i could sense judging by the cold dark basement i had to run up from, the intentions of this were.. dubious at best. i dont want to think about the worst.
when i reached the top step, there was a ladder i had to climb to reach a trap door. mustve been correct in my judgement this place had less than humane intentions, as it was locked up tight. i began to scale the ladder as i heard footsteps pattering from the stairwell below. just as i heard the mans voice, i was up and out of the trapdoor.
i was now in an office of some sort, where i noticed a trash chute. in that split second, i decided to jump in, knowing it was either escape into the trash or be caught and used for god knows what from these men.
i opened the trash chute, sliding inside. i was barreling down, my bare skin freezing against the cold metal. then, just as i got the feeling my body would never stop hurtling downward, i hit the bottom of the trashcan with a loud metallic pang.
i mustve been unlucky, it mustve been trash day recently. my entire body ached. from the sudden jolt to life, the stitches my body had, and from hitting the empty garbage bin. i had to lay there for a second, breathing heavily.
soon, i crawled out of the garbage. i knew theyd be looking for me. i was in a dark alleyway. it smelled awful, i mustve been wrong about trash day, because the other bins themselves were full. did they switch them out? oh well, it didnt matter. i stumbled out, searching for something to cover up.
i managed to find some clothes, though dirty, ruined, and too small on me, which smelled of garbage. but it was better than nothing. i had to get the hang of walking, even though my newly awakened muscles begged me not to. i felt like i was about to collapse.
i saw a building in the distance, cars all around it. there was flashing multicolored lights coming from the windows, and i could feel the baseline from here. a party. perfect. i needed help, before i passed out in the alleyway and woke up in that mysterious laboratory again.
i shuffled my way towards the building, making a beeline for the doors. i felt like a zombie. i definitely looked like a zombie too. i passed by a graveyard on the way. i thought it was ironic, though, i could barely form thoughts that were coherent that werrent about the current situation at hand.
i pushed my way through the doors when i got there, hobbling to my destination, though i didnt exactly have one. i received weird looks from the people at the party as i shuffled along aimlessly, in no particular direction.
i bumped into two people, men, who looked scarily alike each other. i ignored it, and kept walking. i also bumped into a man wearing all black, but i ignored him too. i pushed through a crowd, bumping into various people.
there was a woman wearing round glasses, like midas, with her hair up in a ponytail. she snapped at me to watch where i was going, but i ignored her. i bumped into another person, a man with scruffy brown hair and close shaven beard. he looked slightly nervous, but i didnt pay attention to it.
i pushed through, bumping into several people along the way. an unkempt man in a beanie, a girl with shoulder length, straight black hair, a clearly drunk man in a sweater and messy black hair, holding a martini.. i also slightly remember a guy with long brown hair and a sort of creepy smile i didnt like. but none of that mattered when i broke through the other end of the crowd.
i made my way to a table, with various things to eat on it. thats where i saw him. a guy, about my age, holding a plastic cup with punch inside of it. he looked just as confused as i am, with his light brown hair swept over his head. he wasnt wearing anything remarkable, just a tshirt and jeans. but this was the guy i decided i was going to ask for help from.
i opened my mouth to speak, but i just held my mouth open. he looked confused. i tried again, only to realize that my voice was gone. i was worried. had i just lost my voice, or had they taken my vocal chords out entirely? i tried once more. i managed to mumble the word "help," albeit pretty quiet for the scenario.
unfortunately, that was all i could attempt to say. i felt my eyes getting heavy, knees week, vision blurring. my hearing became dampened as i felt myself hit the floor with a soft thud. the last thing i remember was seeing the footsteps of people walking towards me and the anxious chatter from the crowd, before my eyes fully shut and i became unconscious.
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w0nnielov3 · 2 years
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random drabble ?!?!?)!/&/$
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#paring!!: vampire!enha x princess!reader | recommend listening to this while reading
Warning if ur listening to the song!!: there’s people laughing and talking ,, there’s a bell ringing ,, a loud static noise ,, glass breaking ,, loud walking … think that’s it?
warning!!: a few curse words ,, there’s definitely grammar mistakes I wrote this at 4am ,, bats ,, biting ,, idk what else sorry :(
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The sounds of laughter and people conversing filled my ears as i Fix my dress greeting guest left and right. I felt this weird sudden feeling of someone staring at me …or people ,, I turn to see seven familiar faces looking right at me …yet I couldn’t pin point why they were so familiar? Weird. One of them sent me a smile while the others kept staring ,, although a little freaked out I just continued making my way around the guest. People staring wasnt that odd …you’re the princess silly. I starting making my way up the flight of stairs when I hear a sudden bell but it rung twice …”thats odd?” swinging my head around I look towards the bells to see two of the boys from earlier staring right at me ,, one of them smirking while the other just smiled. Then the lights went out …a loud shutting rang through the castle.
“Fuck…”
“RUN!”
quickly making my way up the stairs I made a sharp left once I reached the top ,, all I could think of was hiding ,, as well …who were these people? They were so familiar yet so unfamiliar ,, maybe father knows them? But they seem to be around my age and father doesn’t befriend children …how annoying. I made my way towards a bookshelf that was at the end of the hall ,, I pulled a Shakespeare book to which the wall opened revealing a room. Making my way inside I watch as the door closed back up. Letting out a sigh I turned to look at a dim hallway ,, surely it was creepy but I guess this is what father would do. I started walked through the very long but dim hallway. I could hear my own heels clicking on the ground ,, but thats when I heard another set of footsteps …yet they were very subtle.
“Shit…”
running down the hallway I realized there isn’t really time for thinking anymore ,, but how the hell did someone get in here without me noticing …Oh father would be disappointed. Maybe taking these heels wouldve been a great idea instead of breaking into a sprint so quickly ,, oh for gods sake. Almost reaching the end of the hallway I noticed there were two paths ,, without thinking I took the right one. I picked up my dress so I would be able to run a little faster and not trip. I tried listen closely to whoever was behind me and realized a pattern …there were multiple people ,, I mentally sighing at myself for being so stupid and letting my guard down.
After some time I noticed the footsteps stopped.
i still kept my guard up as i didnt want to make the same mistake but I slowed down ,, I wanted to take my heels off but maybe they want me to stop so I’ll just keep them on. I finally reached the end of the hallway and noticed four doors ,, they all had symbols but i didn't really know what they meant. There was a snake ,, a bat ,, a wolf ,, and a fox ,, I just went with the bat since it seem less deadly …i‘d be scared to see what’s behind those other doors. I opened the door slowly and was met with yet another all hallway …yet this one was practice pitch black. I stepped inside leaving the door opened behind me so there could be some light. I started walking but I was cautions ,, it was extremely hard to see with barely any light so I just kept my hands stretched out keeping my hands on each wall. as I was a few feet away from the entrance I heard the door close shut causing me to snap my head back to be met with what seem scarlet eyes.
“Not again…”
yep you guessed it …im running again ,, it was much harder to run in the dark but I made the best out of it but it did frighten me a little when I could suddenly hear wings flapping. I felt something brush against my arm a couple of times but I just kept running ,, but then I felt it brush against my face which slowed me down a little. I started to brush whatever was going near my face away as I held my dress up with my free hand. I was at my limit with these heel and was near kicking them off or honestly breaking them. The flapping stopped as I near what seemed like the exit of this horrid tunnel ,, the end seem a lot more lit yet still slightly dim. Finally making my way to the exit was I met with a large room that was filled with tubes and machine and a lot of tubs. I also noticed this platform that was quite high.
A felt a chill run down my spine as I turned around to be met with yet again seven pairs of eyes staring right at me. I backed up a little before turning around to only bump into someone ,, I look up to see one out of the seven ,, he was quite tall and had very pretty features …he reminded me of a prince in some sort of wa- PRINCESS FOCUS. i backed up again to yet again bump into someone else ,, in a blink of an eye there were all in front of me. But something was wrong …i cant pin point it but there’s something wrong.
“What do you want from me.” I spat out
But silent filled the room as they all continued to stare at me ,, the one behind me laughed Lowly as the two that rung the bell earlier just smiled at me. The others just stared ar me blankly …what were these Morans waiting for?!?
I flinch when I hear a door slam open ,, footsteps falling right after. They were long but they were soon cut off by the sound of glass breaking ,, I look up to be met with the same scarlet eyes I saw in the dark tunnel.
“We want you.”
My eyes widen at his words as he continued to make his way towards me. I tried to move away but I was held by the person behind me ,, I felt a sudden shock when I realize I couldn’t move at all …its like I was paralyzed. The person in front of me smirks before leaning towards my ear
“Goodnight princess…”
Thats when I felt it ,, something sharp was inserted into my neck but it didnt feel like a needle …it was like very sharp teeth. I let out a loud yell as I felt the pain sink in ,, I felt my vision blacken as I felt myself …float?
-??? POV-
“Now you’re one of us.” We watched as the princess started to rise …a small smile appeared on my face
“Maybe your father will learn to never steal what’s ours.” I let out a small laugh as I watch the princess fall back towards the ground ,, I quickly caught her and laid her on the ground.
I watch as she opened her eyes and I was met with the most beautiful set of scarlet eyes ever.
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© w0nnielov3
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irl · 2 months
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like i been thnkn abt that anon n tht poem n stuff n lik idk man
its jus a culmination of my life n my choices n i honestly n truly n jus?? genuinely believe its how ppl shld behave n its actually rly baffling to me whn people dont and its hard to wrap my head arnd the justifications. and even then im learning more and more every day. like it never stops ykno?? im gonna look back at todays me a year from now n b like man.. im glad i grew from those things
ive been treated in my life with such. despairing inhumanity. from people i loved and from people i didnt even know. ive seen and experienced so many horrible awful things that if i wrote a book, people might want to toss it in the fiction section, ykno?? like. its just been a lot, and its been deeply wounding, literally all my life almost. it wasnt until the past couple yrs that i even started to get to more stable situations and learn how to breathe and exist as a human
and when i was trying to learn how to be an actual real human? as a 24 year old adult? basing myself off of all of my life experience? i was left with basically 2 options
1. wallow, the world has hurt me for a quarter of a century, i cant find it in me to trust anything or anyone, and im going to make it everyone elses problem because why shouldnt i, i deserve it. this is what a lot of people do when they get to this place. it started when i found out my dad died because of government and capital greed, and hell, just last year i had lit cigarette butts thrown at my face constantly and was hatecrimed twice in less than 8 months along with everything else. i deserve to reflect that back
2. learn how to live and be kind. the world hurt me for a quarter of a century, but also i survived it and it wasnt without help. even if i was in the trenches, i still met wonderful people who helped to lift me out sometimes. why not become that person for everyone else? humanity is at our core, and there are people worth fighting for because my love for them is worth fighting for. i deserve to reflect that back
my fight to be better for myself and be better for the people around me has been an ongoing one! its always filled with learning and figuring things out! and i will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!! make mistakes. and so will you. ive been fighting for this since i realized i deserved to be treated better when i was like 20 or smth n started the actual work to try and get better
i wasnt always a good person, and even good people have bad moments. but you learn, youll always be learning. im always learning how to be kinder and gentler to the world, and fighting for what i believe in
my aim will always be to fight to help, i want to help, i want to be able to support.
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its-a-hil · 6 months
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ok. random question. literally from the random question generator at randomwordgenerator dot cahm: What's your go-to funny story now, but was horrendous at that moment?
(i think it gave me a question i already know but eh shoot)
hm.
alright i think this is actually more of the reverse than the forward direction, but sure
when i was in middle school, i was such a horrible procrastinator (note: i am still one of those) that i often wrote rough drafts of essays during lunch
(the one year in middle school i didnt do this was when i had english 1st period. tbh i wish my schedule had worked out like that all 3 years, but alas)
but i got so comfortable just throwing out words with a pencil that i kept doing it and now i almost never edit anything bc i need to write it all in one go or it's wrong
but final drafts still had to be typed & printed, so it was only my rough drafts that were like this
fast forward to high school, and rough drafts became less of a thing
my compulsion to procrastinate did not.
oh also relevant here is that i was emotionally incapable of asking for an extension or submitting online after class or anything
so.
senior year of high school. we had an essay to write on Twelfth Night, where we had to pick a word that was repeated a few times and discuss its effect on the story
i picked 'fancy' and used it to argue the absolute bullshit point that it meant the whole thing was a dream, because i had no other ideas and my brain refused to set aside time to do something more reasonable
except.
i did not begin writing until lunch of that day.
i did not have access to the computer lab i had planned to write the essay in.
i pleaded with a friend to lend me his laptop, on which i did the most frantic writing of my life. i dont remember if i ate any food during that lunch period.
(according to my diary i also said something shitty to that friend even as he was doing me a massive favor, which. god.)
looking at the document now (ty google drive), it seems that i didnt actually finish the essay, just wrote notes on the different uses of the word
im not sure if it was just a rough draft or notes kind of thing that was due, or if i lucked out and the essay was extended or something? unclear
but what is clear is that i wrote 440 words in just over an hour, and that's not counting the quotes i had to transcribe (which also made up over 400 words)
the following night i turned it into an actual 750ish word essay in also about an hour, bc. yeah. (i still didn't write an intro until i printed it out during study hall the next day lmao)
so anyway the essay was shit, the teacher was genuinely confused and pulled me aside after the class where she handed the essays back
note: she was also the theater teacher & that semester i was doing the play afterschool, and i think she knew i was better than what i handed in
:/
in my defense i was fairly depressed that couple of months, partially due to an responsibility that i did not realize i could easily say no to. the only consequence that refusing that responsibility would have had is that i would have hated myself less and possibly liked engineering more
oh also looking at my diary apparently that was also the week that i taught precalc bc the teacher's partner was suddenly out for paternity leave and i had an essentially free period during the precalc class
so yeah that's probably the third most interesting week of my senior after the week that we had the play performances and the week i was out in the hospital when my lungs spontaneously collapsed
the funniest part of that story is that it took me another 3ish years to realize that i wanted to be a teacher, and another 2 years after that to act on that desire. lmao
anyway bc im sure you freaks want to see it, im putting the essay under the cut
Actual essay:
Twelfth Night is one of Shakespeare’s most fantastical plays. Even without the use of magic, the supposedly realistic events are completely improbable. There is evidence that the play was intended to be a fantasy, and throughout the play, the word “fancy” is used to suggest to the audience that the events of the play are little more than a fanciful construction of Orsino’s mind. 
Orsino speaks four of the six instances of “fancy” or “fantasy.” Two of these instances come in his first monologue, right at the beginning of the play. He claims that “so full of shapes is fancy that it alone is high fantastical” (1.1.14-15). As Adams says, in this passage Orsino claims “that his own imagination is so fertile that it is supremely capricious and whimsical.” (Adams 58). It is odd that the play would start with this double mention of fancy, especially when the word is not mentioned again until the end of Act two. It is even stranger that the plot concludes with Orsino making Viola/Cesario his “fancy’s queen” (5.1.415). Although Feste finishes the play with his final song, this line is the last spoken by any other character, and is a natural conclusion to the play nonetheless. There must be a reason why the play both begins and ends with a word only used six times throughout. This is the most direct clue that the play does not merely describe events in Shakespeare’s mind, but instead describes events in Orsino’s mind. 
More clues can be found by examining the other uses of fancy in the play. Sebastian remarks “Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep” after encountering a smitten, and unfamiliar Olivia (4.1.65). This line comes in one of the more fantastical scenes in the play, where Sebastian enters Illyria and is mistaken by everyone for Cesario. Sebastian can only conclude “this is a dream,” and calls upon fancy - imagination - to keep him from waking up. Sebastian addresses fancy as a powerful being, that has the ability to manipulate the world he sees. If the play does take place in Orsino’s imagination, fancy would have this power. Another thing to note about Sebastian’s mention of fancy is that it is in reference to Olivia. Her love for him, and reproach of the men who were dueling him, is the only reason he would want to continue living in this dream.
Olivia is a common subject of fancy, as used in its alternate definition of love. Malvolio, just before seeing Maria’s letter, thinks aloud that “should [Olivia] fancy, it should be one of my complexion” (2.5.24-25). Almost all references to fancy are directly related to Olivia. In fact, every major male character, except her uncle, is in love with Olivia. It is difficult for Orsino to conceive of a character who is not enamored when in the presence of the beautiful lady Olivia.  To him, when Olivia enters, “heaven walks on earth” (5.1.99). 
Regarding the rest of Malvolio’s scene, it is no less strange than Sebastian’s. The dour puritan begins with a statement of love for his lady, and then follows the insane directions of a letter that apparently describes her love for him, while the pranksters hide and watch in a nearby bush. Orsino’s mentions of “fancy” also take place in strange scenes. Without touching on the chaotic mess that is 5.1, 1.1 regards a Duke, who has been laid low grieving over his unrequited love for Olivia. She, in turn, decides not to admit any suitors until she has spent seven entire years mourning her dead brother. This scene feels almost surreal, setting the stage for the play that is to follow. Since almost every instance of the word fancy comes during a surreal scene, it can be inferred that the word is an indicator - a message to the audience that this play is a fantasy in the mind of Orsino.
There is one more use of “fancy,” however. During the argument between Orsino and Viola, Orsino speaks of men’s fancies as “more longing, wavering… than women’s are” (2.4.41-42). Twelfth Night is certainly long, spanning three months in Illyria, and the play constantly wavers from uplifting to demeaning, from reasonable to insane. The play as a whole fits so well with Orsino’s description of his “fancies” that one must wonder why that particular description was used. Interpreting Twelfth Night as a fancy conjured up by Orsino’s stricken mind makes a good deal more sense than attempting to reconcile the events with the real world. 
Work Cited:Adams, B. (1978). Orsino and the Spirit of Love: Text, Syntax, and Sense In Twelfth Night, I. i. 1-15. Shakespeare Quarterly,29(1), 52-59. doi:10.2307/2869169
The notes i wrote during the lunch period:
The first appearance of the word comes during Orsino’s monologue. The grief-stricken man describes his lovesickness by referring to his imagining of fantasies involving Olivia. Fancy is “full of shapes” to hear him tell it, filled with all kinds of images (1.1.14). This implies an interesting idea of the plot; it may be nothing more than a lovesick dream conjured by Orsino’s mind. After all, the plot is as “high fantastical” as something a distressed lover might imagine. (1.1.15). 
Malvolio’s mention of fancy is also about love and imagining it. He talks about “her [Olivia’s] fancy,” but the context of the scene and the rest of his dialogue imply that he is the one who fancies Olivia (2.5.24).. Malvolio claims that Olivia has said she would fancy “one of my complexion,” indicating that Malvolio has, through confirmation bias and imagination, convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him even before reading Maria’s letter (2.5.25). The fact that Malvolio, the outwardly stalwart Puritan, is as fanciful and in love as Orsino is a strong device for making fun of the Puritans as Shakespeare was wont to do. 
Sebastian has his reference to fancy when he meets Olivia and finds that he is the object of her fancy. 
[Discussing of the other two quotes]
In Twelfth Night, characters mention fancy when in fantastical scenes. Orsino had neglected his duties as a Duke to be lovesick over Olivia, Malvolio convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him moments before happening upon a letter regarding Olivia’s love, Sebastian came to a foreign city and found that a woman he had never seen was madly in love with him, and the final scene is perhaps the most fanciful of them all. Everything comes together in a hilarious, satisfying, and utterly unrealistic way. The use of the word fancy indicates that a scene either was or will be fanciful. This implies that Shakespeare is breaking the fourth wall, drawing attention to works of the imagination when the audience may be considering the play as imagination. In that way, Shakespeare implies that this comedy, however nice it may seem, is just a lovesick fantasy in the mind of Duke Orsino. 
Note also that almost every mention of the word is in reference to Olivia. The only exception is when Orsino calls Viola his “fancy’s queen,” but Orsino could just be (Inception-style) trying to prove to himself that he can love another. That is why the timeline does not make sense; Orsino needed to believe that his mind was not so changeable, that he would need three months with another woman to move past his love for Olivia. 
Quotes:
1.1.14-15:
Orsino: “So full of shapes is fancy 
That it alone is high fantastical.”
Context: These lines conclude Orsino’s opening monologue about his lovesickness and passion for Olivia. The monologue is discordant throughout, and this line sounds very arrogant, that nobody but a lover could have an extreme imagination.
This quote illustrates Orsino’s arrogance about his position (which is expanded upon in his later argument with Viola) and tells the audience that Orsino has spent some time cooped up in his mansion thinking of Olivia. 
2.5.23-25
Malvolio: “I have heard herself come
thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one
of my complexion.“
Context: This comes just before Malvolio finds Maria’s letter, when he is fancying that Olivia might be in love with him. He has almost convinced himself of her love even before he sees Maria’s letter, which would be a strange coincidence if Twelfth Night was not a comedy. 
This quote describes Malvolio’s desperation to be loved by Olivia. He uses a few choice words and actions of Olivia as a justification for her love, indicating confirmation bias and lack of perspective. 
4.1.63-66
Sebastian: “What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!”
Context: This comes just after Sebastian enters Illyria and finds a beautiful woman suddenly wish to marry him. It is so illogical that he believes he must be dreaming, and he wishes for fancy to keep him from waking up. 
This quote tells us that Sebastian is wondrous at his entrance to Illyria. He forgets about Antonio as soon as strange men wish to duel and a strange beautiful woman claims to be in love with him. Sebastian is far more relaxed than most people would be in this context, especially if they could not find Antonio, the only person he was close with for the past three months.
5.1.412-415
Orsino: “Cesario, come;
For so you shall be, while you are a man;
But when in other habits you are seen,
Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.”
Context: This is the last line spoken by any character except Feste. It comes after Orsino learns of Viola’s true identity and gives up his love for Olivia. 
This quote implies that Orsino still thinks of Viola as Cesario, at least while she is in men’s clothing. 
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i did bad sally face fan-art so uh here are the shaded and non shaded versions
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this took like 3 months with my 1 month artist block otherwise
i did it on sketchbook for chromebook with a falling apart stylus from a like five dollar pack of 3 styluses It is the second longest drawing ive ever done
i did have some artist notes i wrote on a layer so im going to share those below even if they were mainly for myself
1.avoid detailed eyes 2. make body's simple as making a specific body type took so long we are scrapping that 3. i almost completely traced the radio (from a stock image) 4. didnt realize that was a moon tattoo for two of the 3 months 5. KEEP THEM SIMPLE the lighting and shading will make up for that 6. stay close to references while still adding your own design elements 7.avoid having the clothes apart of the body make them ruffle out instead.
uh yeah enjoy my shit art:D
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furymint · 1 year
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2022 Creator Reflection
1. ppt meme
the thing im happiest with this year, tbh! i put a lot of work and care into each slide—and i think it shows. at the same time, this thing i made to help my writing be more accessible just became something that required a commitment to read from its length. i hope anyone that read it found it worthwhile! i love rereading it myself.
2. free
jillian’s prophecy attacked again. new florence + the machine song, new bri edit. my motivation to create things has been really low so i tried to limit myself to only devoting an hr or so to this simple edit. i think its cute
3. goal of the century
it doesnt look like i did a lot to this edit, but i added a lot of lighting to it. it was nice editing a picture of lselle and it reminded me a bit of how fun it was to have something i wanted to badly in the game as the seagull minion
4. the loneliest
this one took a few days to complete. i listened to maneskin a lot in the car this year to keep my spirits up, so its ironic that this is the only song i made something for. i used a lot of bad pics to make it so it was a greater struggle than it couldve been, but im still happy w the way it came out even if it didnt linger in my head afterwards
5. will it snow? [nsfw]
it took me a very long time to write this and, altho its not remotely close to my usual vibe, i think its well done. mostly i think it was a v good exercise for all that never made it into the final product. i wrote three different carriage scenes to find the heart of whole piece. 
❌ impulsivity > fury > humiliation > resolve
(hoare’s outside, nol jumps out w no plan but to confront him, realizes how stupid he is when hoare a) insults him or b) escapes him, and he determines that he can do nothing until the recital in the evening)
❌ impulsivity > rationale > protectiveness > calm
(hoare’s outside, nol jumps out w no plan but to confront him, realizes how stupid he is before he moves away, so he gets back in the carriage, still mad with adrenaline, embarrassment, and the #masculine impulse of protection all manifested in possessiveness, then a gradual lowering of hackles)
✔️ ostracism > fear > rationale > calm
(looping back to the fake community at the beginning, a return to his fear of societal expectations & his lack of a community where he can be himself, the value of secrecy, the joy of secrecy)
i always loved the original carriage scene and im glad i got to actually finish it. i didnt get to do armistice day this year and i also didnt finish may other things, but at least i have this.
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i have to confront more and more often that my drive to engage w ffxiv is almost depleted, and its a really really lonely feeling. i dont know what ill do in the new year about it. i know ill continue my literature work/research and keep drafting my outline for a complete transition of nol and eli into wwi austria-hungary. i want to write more!
past reflections:  2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021
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payphonex · 1 year
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Well, this is the first time I've written in almost 3 years. I'm not even sure what to say, honestly. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me. I feel like I've forgotten how to write.
Am i supposed to be angry? in love? sad?
lost?
Im lost. I dont know who I am anymore. I gave up everything for this toxic relationship. I stopped going to bars, seeing my friends. i stopped talking to anybody especially over text because everything would be read. I stopped taking phone calls unless i was home alone, which was rare. I learned to shut up, not talk about my emotions because it would be such a big fight; i wasnt paying attention to how she felt when i was upset. Even now, as im writing this i am terrified she'll see it.
She'll say something, she always does. She'll disapprove and ill be in trouble.
again.
We broke up, about 3 weeks ago. I moved to Tennessee. Im finally with my dad. Honestly, the only reason i didnt stay in town was because i finally had the courage to block my mom.
Maybe the universe was telling me it was time to go.
I finally listened.
I dont know how to feel anymore. What im supposed to feel, ya know? In some aspects i feel numb. Im alone out here, truly alone. I guess the good thing about that is i cant get hooked on cocaine again.
I crave it all the fucking time. Being sober for 2 years really doesnt matter when i still smell it laying in bed.
I guess i can thank my sobriety on my now ex, we did get sober together. I cant thank her enough for that.
You know, its weird being back on here. I feel like i could throw up just downloading the app. My old account was deleted, my ex swears it wasnt her but im sure ill never know.
I found you again, i re-read some of things you had written. I really have been looking through rose coldered glasses when it came to you. The pain of losing you in my life was so fucking real for months.
atleast until i realized you truly threw me under the bus. like i was just some freak obsessed with you. I loved you, you were my family.
we were 'inseperable'. Remember? you said that.
"I understand that it'll never be us, part of me knew that it never would be, but i decided to let you fall anyway. make me think it was wrong."
You remember that? you wrote that. I can finally let you know,
it.
was.
wrong.
Because youre so stuck in my fucking head that it is hard to breathe. People still tell me about you, I could never truly get away from you.
I cant forget those nights.
I never could wipe away the fucking smell of lavender and vanilla
Ive never been good at cleaning windows either. Im sure your finger prints are still covering the view i could have had.
You've always been such a good liar. Keeping my at your hip for a backup plan just long enough to leave me drowning again.
The last time i heard your voice was the night my ex called you. I was plastered, black out drunk. I found out my tumblr was deleted that night.
I hit her. Busted her lip because i couldnt let go of you. So she called you. Of course you didnt answer, but the next morning you called me off of a friends phone. She forced me to answer the call.
You sounded like you fucking hated me. Why?
because you lead me on? because you got caught up in the consequences of YOUR actions?
you responded to me! when i wrote about you. You always replied. always.
It was never "leave me alone" or "we need to stop this"
You played me. you fucking used me.
you.
you fucking hurt me.
and i shouldve known better. but youre angry at me? annoyed with me?
it was easy for you to drop me, wasnt it?
I liked one of your posts. im sure youre gonna block me now. i bet you didnt even read this.
im letting you go. i guess this is my goodbye. im moving on and it feels good to finally express myself again. dont worry, my tumblrs always been my own private thing, noone you know will see this, incase youre embarrassed.
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subliminalsin420 · 1 year
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i wrote once, that he was the monster she needed, and she was the demon he desired...when i met my demoness she was broken, defeated, and hiding in the folds of the shadows...I was done with life, notes wrote, day picked, had my one way ticket back to the ABYSS ready, and like the fucking pathetic creature i am, i reached out to the demoness, not for my sake, but for hers, to be sooo... so beautiful in all the darkness, she shined like the flames of hell and burned with an intensity that would incinerate most, i..i couldn't leave her there broken, so i took her into my dark embrace, and carried her, she held on as i fought, fought for our lives, fought our way through every demon and monster in our path, her beautiful lies fueled me, my sword sang a song of death and destruction, her breath on my neck, arms locked tight onto me, she held on as i danced her into the freedom of shackles of defeat and despair, and on our way out the depths of the darkness... i honestly don't know what went wrong...after the long fight, in the light of a blazing comet.. i told her the truth, that i was done fighting the fight, showed her my wounds, the ragged scars and torn flesh, the broken soul and the empty eyes, the sword i fought so long with was broken, armor ripped to shreds, and my will .....just gone, i didnt have it in me to fight any longer, but she looked at me and said to me "your fight is over my love, you saved me, ill protect you while you rest" so i removed ther battered and beaten armor, laid my sword at her feet, she ran her fingers through my hair and said i was safe. she would protect me, heal my wounds rerpair my armor.... and she sang to me, songs of love and light, hope and redemption, safety and salvation, and with each song my head got heavier, my heart beat stronger and faster, and as i looked up into her hellfire eyes she smiled at me, not the menacing dark smile, the soft loving smile, and as she smiled and i fell into her soul, devoting my everything to her, to my beautiful disaster, to my chaos breaker i would fight for her for eternity, i was hers and she was mine, and thats when, i felt her blade pierce my skin, slide through muscle,chip bone, andn slide so very effortlessly into my heart, over and over she plunged the blade of her lies, her betrayels, through my unarmored back and into my heart... she never stoped singing as she plunged the blade again and again, until blood pooled at her feet, i dont know when, but her song, it stopped and as i listened it was never a song, just a low cackle, the sound of hissing snakes and dying butterflies, a thousand tormented souls and the wind all in one, the edges of my vision grew black, and as i looked into the souless depths of her eyes i muttered ....you,...you said i was safe, why kill me... and she smiled huge, showing fangs growled deep and proud, moved the blade to under my chin and said "foolish monster" im sorry, but i need you no longer, i only needed you to get me out and to believe my lies until i was strong again...and slid the blade across my throat, all of my lifes blood poured from me, and i made no attempt to stop the bleeding, i can still see her smile and all i can think to myself is..... why?
it was all a fable, a fantasy i had imagined, that i was safe enough to let my armor fall from my heart and she would care for it.... i wish she did, i wish her actions lined up, but i think, i think my slow death at her hands is what fuels and strengthens her, one day... one day, i hope when i am gone, she realizes or sees how shitty she treats me, when all I've ever done was love her, wishful thinking for a dying monster, but the day's are almost over, its becoming harder to breathe again, harder to see any light, and once the light has gone and she claims my soul, it'll be me in the darkness waiting for her in the abyss i carried her out of..... i should have known monsters are unlovable
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lunatic-fandom-space · 11 months
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Guess who just wrote a really long and detailed post in my notes app that I accidentally managed to delete. meeeeeeeee <3
So yeah, for better or for worse, heres a more condensed version of a very long post where I complain about 2000!Judas again that Ive written in like, two hours probably (I know that sounds like a lot but trust me, it isnt for me)
Basically, when I watched this version for the first time I thought the reason I didnt like this portrayal of Judas and thought he was really unsympathetic was because of the actor and some of the directorial choices made for his scenes. But then I rewatched it, paid closer attention and even made pretty detailed notes as I was watching like the nerd I am, and I realized that no, the direction is consistantly really good and does a great job at putting you in the characters head, which is a good way to get an audience to sympathize with a character, even for Judas' scenes. Heaven On Their Minds is a great example of this, here are the notes I took during the scene bc it took me days to write that original post that I deleted and I dont feel like rewriting stuff:
• At the start of Heaven On Their Minds: Judas singing directly at Jesus while theyre engulfed in blue but glowing orange before the apostles show up and the lighting changes to something more orange-y golden (signaling Judas snapping out of his thoughts about Jesus and back into reality) • At the end of Heaven On Their Minds: Judas stepping out of the warm golden light with Jesus and his apostles back into a cooler, blue-ish light to signify his disconnect with the others, wavering trust in Jesus
So, if its not the direction thats the issue, what is it? The actor? Well yeah, I think the actor is definitely the bigger issue for me here. idk if thats a hot take, I certainly dont think it should be. However, there are two big directorial choices that I have issues with, one thats very obvious and mostly concentrated in one scene and one thats a bit more 'spread out' so to speak and that I initially had some trouble pinpointing
The first and more obvious one is the Superstar scene. This song already has some tonal issues by virtue of being a funky disco song sandwiched between The Scene Where They Brutally Beat Jesus and The Scene Where They Brutally Crucify Jesus and having Judas be all smiley during it like hes happy about Jesus dying a slow and painful death only to get all sad at the very end when they actually start crucifying him does not help. Like at all. Its like they didnt get that Judas was meant to be like, frustrated during this song because it acts as an extension of his character throughout the musical, who was very frustrated with Jesus because he didnt understand him or why he did the things he did. Its also meant to be an expression of the audience's presumed feelings, since we, like Judas, just spent a long time with this guy and thought we kinda understood what his deal was only to then realize that no, we did not, actually.
Thats pretty much it, there is a similar weird kind of smugness and almost schadenfreude permeating the rest of this guy's performance as well, its just the most noticeable in that song
Now, Im gonna change the topic here for just a second because I think its necessary to talk about the costuming, specifically the colors of the clothes, to properly explain myself. Unlike the 2012 version, which did its own thing when it came to assigning colors to these characters, the 2000s version takes pretty much all the notable character colors from the 1973 movie. That means Jesus wears white, Herod also wears white which could be a way to visually connect them since Herod is referred to as king and seems to have some kind of special authority over jewish people even though he apparently doesnt have a lot of actual state power, kind of how Jesus is also hailed as king of sorts even though he obviously doesnt have any kind of stately power either ? idk, Im not analysing this further bc thats not what the post is about, Caiaphas, Annas and their three guys all wear black, Pilate wears purple (albeit a cooler tone than the 70s version thats closer to the purple the roman guards wore), Judas wears red and Mary wears red... in the 2000s version. She wears orange in the 70s movie
So, why would they change that when they otherwise changed very little about the costumes' colors? Im not gonna beat around the bush here, they were trying to emphasize the idea of Judas and Mary as foils and romantic rivals with Judas being the dark 'incorrect' "option" and Mary being totally morally good as a contrast. Think about it, Judas wears mostly black in this version with the red being closer to an accent color while Mary wears mostly red with black as an accent color, theyre wearing the same color scheme but inverted and Judas ended up with the darker and more menacing version of it (although I would argue its kinda hard to style the red-black combo as anything but edgy, vaguely threatening, vaguely sexy and seductive or a combination of any of those), Judas is a lot more physically aggressive towards Mary in this film which wasnt the case in the 1973 version (I havent rewatched the 2012 one yet and I dont remember a lot of the details but Im pretty sure he wasnt as physical in that version either), theres that weird bit right after I Dont Know How To Love Him where he inecplicably shows up to, idk, intimidate Mary? which then leads directly into Damned For All Time/Blood Money and the way its framed makes it seem like his betrayal was motivated by jealousy and some weird yandere-esque "If I cant have him, no one can" line of logic which is just weird. Like, I dont dislike this concept on the face of it, but they had no idea how to pull it off well
Actually, now that I think about it I feel like they work well enough as foils without any attempts to emphasize them as romantic rivals. Like, obviously Judas sings that little reprise of I Dont Know How To Love Him before his death but also his whole thing at the start of the musical was that he was turning away from Jesus while Mary's thing was that she was very close and loyal to him from beginning to end, like thats one of the things that Peter's Denial demonstrates right
Whatever, thats kind of it. I feel like thats a pretty abrupt ending to this but I dont care that much lol. In conclusion, although I love this movie for the direction and lighting I have a lot of shit to complain about, mostly relating to Judas and also this post ended up being a lot longer than expected, hope you enjoyed
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hi! firstly i love your blog so much and its so lovely to see on my dash so thank you!! now for how i met my lover:

set the scene -- january. right after winter break. im going into the sixth grade. i may not know very much, but i do know this: im a Weird Girl™. didnt have very many friends before moving, but moving to an extremely academically competitive school in the middle of the year? in MIDDLE SCHOOL? hell.

being a Weird Girl™, i really really loved english class. so to know nothing about the teachers, nothing about the students, and nothing about the material, i was very very scared, and of course, the english teacher did the whole stand up and tell us about yourself thing, where i completely blanked and to this day, have no clue what i said. i didnt make eye contact with anyone for a week, at least, and overcompensated by pouring all my effort into a project we were doing -- of course i moved right when the class was doing group projects -- and just generally keeping my head down.

little did i know that the love of my life was sitting in that same classroom. i dont remember exactly how we met (awful of me, i know) but i do remember hearing about the other Weird Girl™ who watched DIY videos and Studio C all the time. i thought maybe, maybe, theres someone like me. this is where my memory ends. (due to trauma, ive been losing a lot of my memories around this time. i hate it, but theres nothing i can do but thank my mind for trying to help.)

some time later, we were friends. and boy, we got on like a house on fire, talking about random shows we liked, books we'd read (specifically percy jackson), and all the tidbits of Stuff in the world. slowly, i fell in love. slowly, so did they, though i didnt know it.

i came out to my friends as lesbian, then as bi, then queer, then panromantic greysexual, then broke down. i had no clue what i was. (it definitely wasnt straight though.) they came out to me, the first they told, but my memory strikes again! terribly, i couldnt remember them telling me. i hated myself for that, but lovingly, they didnt. i was there when they came out to their friends, where they realized i hadnt known, which is how they found out i didnt remember. we were happy, and neither of us made a move. by now, we are in seventh grade.

on the back end of the year, we went on a field trip to a museum nearby. we were partners on that trip and sat together on the bus. we talked about how, if we were married, i would be the dad. no THEY would be the dad. no because- YES because- and we argued about this. i almost told them seven separate times on that bus. i was filled with the longing to fall asleep on their shoulder, so for the last five minutes, i pretended to. then i laughed and looked up and they were looking at me and i couldnt breathe.

i didnt tell them on that bus.

but i knew i needed to, so i wrote, trashed, wrote, trashed, wrote, and trashed a letter again and again. the morning of the last day before spring break, a week of holiday, i tore out a piece of notebook paper, breathed, wrote everything down. i dont remember much, but i remember saying that i didnt fall in love with them -- i flew. and though cheesy, it was true. i folded it up real small and tried not to let my shaking hands drop it. i gave it to them in spanish class, seventh period, and told them to wait for after class to read it. at the end of the letter, i told them i couldnt handle yeses and nos, so i assigned a song from the lightning thief musical each to a yes, a no, and a maybe. i couldnt bear to hear the harsh answer.

i shook and trembled through my eighth period, ignored my friend tapping on my shoulder and soldiered through the crowded halls to their locker. yanked my shoulder forward again and again, too nervous to pay heed to my friend, before the hand grabbed my shoulder and gently turned me around.

it wasnt my annoying friend. it was them.

i froze, and my mouth went dry. i dont know what happened, but they pressed my letter back into my hands, grinning, and i read their words written on the edges and in the margins saying they were planning to tell me at the end of the year because they were a coward (not true!!) and that theyre so glad i loved them and that they loved me too that they loved me too they LOVED me and they tapped my shoulder and i looked up and on the little whiteboard in their locker, they had written I LOVE YOU and i couldnt stop smiling.

we spilled everything and hugged hard and fierce in that school hallway, too young to know anything and too naïve to care, and i walked them to their bus, our hands intertwined and we told a friend immediately and they joked that dating or not, we would be the same.

i came over to their house and sat on their trampoline that week and talked about boundaries and what we could and couldnt do and what we wanted and didnt want, whispering so their parents didnt know. i fell asleep at their house, longing to hold them in my arms and too afraid to say so. i slept two hours that night and lay awake for all the rest.

flash forward, eighth grade. i came out as trans, tucking my hair into a hat my friend lent me and pretending it was enough. they came out as nonbinary, and we loved each other through it all. but something was changing. every day, we wrote little letters to each other and passed them back and forth during lunch, and we only shared one class, i think. we didnt talk as much, and something felt like it was fading. i didnt want anything to fade. i overcompensated, like i did that first day when i moved, and did too much. it was exhausting on my end, overbearing on theirs. i didnt want to lose something i couldnt even believe i had.

the pandemic hit. field trips were cancelled, and we were holed away at home. i could talk to them only barely, since my parents still still checked my phone all the time. then they said i couldnt talk to them anymore because they had brought up asexuality about a show. i cried, told them, coded, and we didnt talk directly. instead, i set up a group phone call we could do once a week, but they were busy every time.

they moved for high school. a christian school nearby. there wasnt anything i could do.

fall of 2021, they broke up with me over text. i know, it sounds awful, but in code, they told me about a boy they liked in middle school and how maybe they werent cut out for each other. i cried to sour, pretending it was just an average breakup, and i wished i could respond, but i couldnt.

we didnt talk for a while. we hadnt talked for a while, because my parents didnt let me, but this time, it was even worse. i went back to school, made new friends, tried to forget them. people still came up to me and asked how they were. i smiled and said we broke up. i said it was mutual. i said it was both our faults. i said we shouldve tried harder. i smiled and said, its okay.

at some point, they texted me a poem that played on my name. a poem about how they - i - was the only one to truly listen. i didnt respond.

march of 2022, they texted me about a song that reminded me of them. circling round again, by the accidentals. i listened to it over and over and over again, barely doing much else. a song about breaking up and regretting it, a song about coming back together, a song about grief, and maybe, maybe, hope. i showed my friends, laughing it off. playing up the my ex is texting me back story. i listened to the song over and over and over again.

then i told my friend to text them my burner email, an email my parents didnt know about, then i realized i didnt trust that friend to remember, so i took another friend's phone and texted them myself. the next day, they emailed me.

they told me about themselves, about us, about how they missed me, eerily mirroring the reasons why i thought we broke up and promising to do better. i did the same. we talked more, through discord and tumblr, and slowly, we allowed ourselves to love again. awkwardly, i asked what we were, what were going to be.

lovers.

if it was okay with us.
it was okay with us, and so we were. i still miss them, and i wish i could hold them, but we're happy together and i love them so much. we talk every day, all the time, and we make sure we dont make the same mistakes twice. i know first loves arent supposed to last, but we both want to try.
its a two percent chance of us making it, but we've always been weird. i'll take those chances. and if we fall apart again, i know we wont lose each other.

right now, i love them so so much and i count down the days until i can see them again. they live not five miles away but the distance stretches too long, too heavy. our parents extend shields around us that turn into walls and we both long for escape.
i long for the day we can run to each other. i love them more with every passing moment.


gods, sorry this got so long!! it started out simple and devolved from there lol, and sorry for typos, asks are still not letting me backspace or delete. <33
holy shit. thank you so so so much for taking the time to basically give us such a detailed insight into your life and your relationship with them !!! this means a lot
thank you so much for sharing this and i hope you're both doing okay <3
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shibaraki · 1 year
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MONTT IM BAVK AND I FINSIEHD PENUMBRA. YOURE SICJ FORBTHUS
first of all i read it in a feverish haze bc i caught some stupidass stomach bug but Im Going to think Regardless. first of all. your aizawa fics are so good theyre so Juicy you dont know how often i come back to them. each time u write aizawa so colorful and a lil different but still very distinct to how u characterize him and i think its so interesting. anyway
the HGNFBFNDN the BANTER? ohhh wow i loved picking out the parts priorbto the Reveal where u can see aizawa's affection for the reader in both of the lives they lead (CAT CAFE CAT CAFE CAT CAF) and its so sweet and so subtle and very very him i think. and his fondness for the class a kids AURGEHDGHDX HES SOOO and the DRAWING HE HAS FROM ERI WITH HER, MIDORIYA, AND HIMSELF IN IT??? IM MISERABLE
god and i think that the way u wrote the reveal is so lovely. like the language u used made it seem like a huge thing (which it was) for the two of them but it was so gradual to me as i read it that i didnt really find myself shitting bricks and stressing about it as much as i thought i would?? its like... waking up slowly from a dream and a long sleep rather than bolting upright when u realize u missed ur alarm. nice and calm and very sweet, especially in the way aizawa takes it all in
and HRHDGDHDH WHEN HE SAYS HES GLADBHE DOESNT HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN CAT CAFE READER AND NOCTURNE??? HAAAAGHGHHH HES SOOOO STUPID
i cannot wait for the sequel you silly goofy buffoon. i am so excited to see their dynamic play out further im Agrhgrhrgh PLEAASWEE IM HOLDING THE TWO OF THEM SO CLOSE TOBMY CHEST RN
(also mothzawa fic? very excited. one thing about me is im going to kiss some monsters with bucketloads of romantic intent behind them)
— mimir anon! 💗
MIRMIR I ALMOST MISSED THIS IT GOT BURIED IN MY INBOX (*´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥﹏°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ )人(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥`) thank you soo much for reading it cause I loved writing penumbra and I’m rly relieved the pacing / reveal felt natural to you!!! their relationship is definitely one of my favourites and I’m excited for part two to be finished. oh and btw I really hope you’re feeling better now, I’m so sorry to hear u were sick!! I am tucking you into bed as we speak <3
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