#and also how actions have consequences.... it was deep shit for 12 year old me

[eoieopda]

re soft asks: actually...... what if i said "all of them." how unhinged would that be (do it)

well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions..... i did this to @moni-logues last week and — uhhhh — i guess i deserve this, lmao.

buckle up, kids.

1, 2, and 3 were just answered here.

4. what flower would you like to be given?

i love, love, love, hydrangeas. idk if that yoongi drabble made that clear, lol.

5. who do you feel most you around?

my older sister and my best friend, IRL. if we're talking internet, @jihopesjoint has proven to be my actual clone in all respects, which is both spooky and incredible. we're like the lindseys lohan from the parent trap except instead of camp, it was tumblr.

6 was answered here.

7. what color brings you peace?

hmmmmmmmm. lilac or mint green. also really deep forest green.

8. tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good. 

i already tagged nicki but ope here she is again: @jihopesjoint. also YOU, @sailoryooons, @here2bbtstrash (though idk if m will see this,) @luaspersona. this is not an exhaustive list!

9. what calms you down?

i don't know if i've ever actually felt truly calm in my entire life?? but the closet i get is driving around with the windows down, listening to music, and drinking a silly little coffee.

10. what’s something you’re excited for?

well, i moved to a new state yesterday and start a new job on monday, so.... a new chapter. the previous one was v ouchie and i'm excited to put down the baggage i've been shouldering.

11. what’s your ideal date?

be honest — is this you asking me out? jk..... unless 👀 (no, i'm kidding.) i never don't want to go to a dive bar, listen to a band, be bad at pool, and laugh until my stomach hurts!!

12 was answered here.

13. what’s your comfort food?

this is so embarrassing and really snitches on my depressive habits, but lately, smuckers uncrustables have been sustaining my whole life. specifically, the strawberry ones. tell me you're struggling without telling me you're struggling!!!!

14. favorite feel-good show?

new girl and schitt's creek are always the first ones i think of when i need to turn my brain off and laugh!

15. for every emoji you get, tag someone and describe them in one word.

you didn't give me any, so i'm just gonna yeet right past this one.

16. compliment the person who sent you this number.

this is gonna sound so dumb because i don't know you in the literal, physical sense, but i'm so fucking proud of you??? i know the gauntlet you're currently going through and it warms my old, dead heart to see that you're not only surviving it, but doing (what looks to be) a really incredible job at holding onto you — your interests, your joy, your hobbies. i wasn't super successful at that. it's hard as fuck, but you're doing the damn thing.

17. fairy lights or LED lights?

HALLOWEEN LIGHTS. LIL LIGHT-UP PUMPKINS. next question.

18. do you still love stuffed animals?

yes, binch! all i have atm is a gigantic raccoon squishmallow that my sister gave me when my life exploded last year and i cling to that shit, lol.

19. most important thing in your life?

my family. my siblings, my parents, my nephews, my dog, and my best friend.

20. what do you want most in the world right now?

the first thing that came to mind is taco bell because i've been craving it for days. but uhhhhh, if we're getting existential here, i want whatever is the emotional equivalent of a deep breath.

21. if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

all you can do is love him hard and let him go.

22. what would you say to your future self?

drink water. seriously, get up and get a glass of water. right now. how are you even alive? lmao.

23. favorite piece of clothing?

an old, beat-up denim jacket that used to be my mom's! she wore it when my parents brought me over from korea, once my adoption was finalized.

24. what’s something you do to de-stress?

🏃🏻‍♀️ run, beautiful, run, yeah, you gotta run 🏃🏻‍♀️

25. what’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.)

you could give me a pen cap that you chewed on and i'd still be like, omfg, you made this? for me?

but fr, i'm a sentimental bitch, so anything along the lines of "i saw/heard this and thought of you/this thing we did," etc.

26. what movie would you want to live in?

oooh, idk! is it weird if i say the craft, given what happens? i just really wanna be a witch with a bunch of other baddies.

27. which character would you want to be?

....from the movie in 25? or generally? because i'd want to be baby yoda, thottin' and boppin' around with pedro pascal, drinkin my lil drink, and being baby.

28 was answered here.

29. morning, afternoon or night?

morning! i'm an up-and-at-em kinda fella. love having a whole day ahead of me, love a breakfast sandwich, love a sunrise.

30. what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)?

bon fires, maple syrup, people singing while they cook/work/whatever, getting zooted and then over-competitive while playing egyptian rat screw, being hugged for a laughably long time.

#mj! #you menace #ily #jade speaks #ask game #game over y'all can go home now lmao

[fandomness--randomness]

Nerves {Jean Kirschtein x Fem!Reader} Modern/Highschool AU!

Warnings: none

Word Count: 2.1k

Summary: Jean's nervous to tell you about his feelings, but after a stressful day of nagging from his friends - he finally gets the courage to confess.

Playlist: Him and Hym (from banana fish)

Tags: @coltsbitch I hope you like it uwu

“You’re staring Jean-booooy!” Sasha teased, dragging an elbow into Jean’s ribs.

The brunette let out a grunt at the sudden intrusion and sent a glare towards the girl. “The fuck was that for?” He complained. Jean lightly shoved Sasha away as he rubbed at his now sore torso.

Sasha chuckled. Rolling her eyes as she put her head in her hands, she said, “you were staring at (Y/N). Again.” Across the table, Connie snickered into his hand.

Jean’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance. “No, I wasn’t. I just happened to be looking in her direction. That’s all.” Pushing away the lunch his mother had made him - which Sasha and Connie also made fun of - Jean leaned back in his chair.

Marco, the last and most sensible person of their friend group, cleared his throat. “Ah come on Jean,” he chastised, “they mean well. It’s just... well…” Marco trailed off for a second, a nervous hand coming up scratch at his freckled face. Jean raised an eyebrow at his longtime friend. “Well, you can be a bit obvious. And it hurts to watch sometimes.”

Much to the chagrin of Jean, Sasha and Connie were quick to join in once again.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Sasha exclaimed with a mouthful of fries. “We’re just trying to kick you into high gear and get you to finally ask (Y/N) out!”

Connie leaned forward onto the table. “Haven’t you been madly in love with her since you were like, what - 12?” He waved a lazy hand in the air.

A dark hue spread across Jean’s cheeks, which he quickly hid behind his hand. “Oh shut up ya baldy!” Jean yelled back. He groaned. “I’ve just known her since we were 12. As if I could fall in love with her at that age.”

Sasha let out a triumphant shriek. She practically climbed on top of the poor soccer player in her excitement. “You didn’t deny you love her!” She practically exclaimed to the entire cafeteria. Nearby tables went quiet and glanced their way.

“Shut up Sasha!” Jean retaliated, pushing her off of him. His blush had now reached far past his cheeks, decorating his ears in a pink hue.

Despite the anger radiating off of him, Sasha seemed unperturbed by her friend’s actions. Rather she seemed to get even happier. “Just go talk to her and ask her on a date already!” She said matter of factly before chomping on her slice of pizza.

Jean looked to Marco and Connie for help. As he expected, Connie agreed, saying something along the lines of finally getting with her and to stop acting like a lost puppy. But Marco! Instead of coming to his rescue, Marco simply nodded and agreed.

When the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch, Jean was the first to stand up and leave. In his anger and embarrassment he nearly forgot his lunchbox. He swiped it from Marco’s grasp without thanking him before stomping his way to his next class.

By the time he walked through the doorway of the chemistry class, his anger had dissipated and morphed into a mix of embarrassment and guilt at his actions.

“Stupid Sasha and Connie, trying to meddle in with my damn business. Damn Marco for not backing me up.” Jean grumbled as he sat on the stool.

A soft giggle to his left made him jump.

“Oh (Y/N)!” He said, his voice jumping an octave. He hadn’t even seen you as he ranted and raved under his breath.

“Hey Jean. It looks like you’ve had a bit of a rough day. Sasha and Connie being overbearing again?” You asked, moving a stray lock of hair from your face.

Jean gulped as your curious eyes stared up at him. He was always taller than most people his age, yet you made him feel like the smallest person in the world. You were - as cheesy as it was - different from the other girls in the school. At least to Jean. All the other girls at Paradis High, whether they were friends or strangers to Jean, had a level of unattainability. Some of them were for obvious reasons, such as Historia who practically had a bodyguard in the form of her butch girlfriend, but other reasons were much more transparent. Even if Jean did fantasize about bringing a girl on a date and being in a relationship - it always felt like some wacky dream.

But never with you. You always felt just a bit more physical, a bit more real to Jean. Maybe it was because of how comfortable you were with him or your constant curiosity that led to you getting into trouble that would have been easily avoidable (and sometimes dragging Jean down with you).

You were always just an arm’s distance away. A distance Jean didn’t dare cross, not at 12 years old and not at 17.

“Uh yeah, they were just getting on my ass about a girl. Marco wasn’t any help either, so I’m just a bit annoyed at them.” He finally responded, rubbing the back of his neck.

You blinked up at him for a moment before an expression of realization spread across your features like a wave. Excitedly, you grabbed onto his upper arm and pulled him down closer to you.

“Do you like a girl, Jean?!”

Jean thanked whatever mystical being out there that you had enough sense to whisper your conclusion to him, but then promptly cursed them out as you stared at him face to face. He could smell the mint you had after lunch fanning over his face.

Jean opened and closed his mouth quickly, unsure of how to respond, scared that if he spoke his voice would croak and falter.

Thankfully the chemistry teacher Dr. Hange walked in, earning everyone’s attention with a loud clap.

Letting go of Jean’s arm, you stood straight up in your chair and listened as Dr. Hange reviewed what today’s class would cover; but not before sending Jean a smirk.

Fidgeting with his fingers under the desk, Jean did his best to ignore your glances and overall presence, intent on willing the whole discussion about his crush out of existence. That is until you slid a small note to Jean’s side of the black desk. Scribbled in your clean handwriting was a request - no - an order.

You’re totally filling me in on this girl after school! I’m not taking no for an answer!

Jean sighed to himself, grimacing as your playful grin appeared at the edge of his vision.

“Jeeeaaan! Come on!” You whined, bouncing on his bed. “Why won’t you tell me who your crush is!”

Said boy let out a sigh as he dropped his book bag onto the floor next to his desk and all but collapsed into the gaming chair. Leaning his head back on the headrest, he answered in a taut voice. “Because I don’t want to.”

“Totally not because it’s you.” He thought.

You groaned in frustration, tossing and turning on his bed, inevitably ruining the nicely folded blankets. “Come on! I’ve known you since we were in middle school!”

Jean chuckled. “Yeah sure, if you count two kids bored out of their minds on family trips to the mountains only to never see each other until high school as knowing each other since middle school.”

Sitting up on the bed, you pouted at the brunette. “Damn. You really didn’t have to get specific about it.”

The laughter that bubbled out of Jean’s chest was uncontrollable. Doubling over in his chair, Jean finally looked at you for the first time since getting to his house. “Why shouldn’t I? When you showed up in the middle of last year and latched yourself onto me - everyone thought you were my secret girlfriend! Hell, even I was confused as to why you were practically glued to my arm.”

Jean continued to laugh, more to himself now. When his laughter finally fizzled away and his eyes were no longer clouded by tears, he sat back up in his chair - only to go rigid again.

You had pulled your legs into your chest and were staring away from Jean. The sharp glint of your eyes told Jean that he had pissed you off.

“A shit (Y/N), I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

Taking a deep breath, your body relaxed against itself.

“I know, you big idiot. It’s just… you were my first real friend. Of course I got excited when we reunited years later.” You chuckled to yourself at the memory of spotting him in the middle of homeroom. The joy and relief you felt that day was tremendous.

Standing up, Jean walked over to the bed and sat next to you before falling against his plush covers with a dulled thump. He patted the bed. A silent invitation for you to lay next to him. You took it and laid next to him, staring at the ceiling in silence.

No words were spoken between the two of you for some time. This is how it went sometimes. The two of you didn’t need to talk constantly to keep the energy comfortable and flowing. Comforting silences were a rare thing to have.

The soft breathing and heat radiating off of Jean nearly had you falling asleep. That is until he spoke up, startling you awake.

“She’s really sweet ya know.” Jean could see you turn to him with a raised eyebrow out of his peripheral. “The girl I like. She’s really sweet. A little overbearing with her physical affection, but nothing crazy. She’s… people-smart. She knows when to start and stop.” Jean could feel you shift on the bed so that your head was level with his. He continued talking without thinking of the consequences. “She’s got a few unconventional hobbies and does stupid shit all the time. Had to stitch up her pinkie finger once because she cut it while exploring an abandoned house.” Jean’s own pinkie moved towards your hand, making contact with your own pinkie finger. He traced the raised scar. “She’s super smart too and is always working to get better for herself. And… well I’ve liked her for a while but I was always scared to face the feelings she gave me whenever we hang out. I didn’t want to accept them. It was odd. I was used to never having a shot with the people I liked. But you… you just seemed to shoot right into me without me even realizing it.”

Finally, Jean had the courage to look at you. Your cheeks were darkened with a deep blush and your eyes twinkled. Jean didn’t say anything. He waited for your response with bated breath. The two of you laid there on dark covers for what felt like an eternity.

“For fucks sake (Y/N). Ya gotta respond to me.” Jean choked out in a harsh whisper. His hand was trembling from the nerves.

“I can play a 2 hour soccer game without issue, but I can’t make a simple confession without shaking? What the hell Jean.” He thought bitterly.

As though life was breathed back into you - you took a deep breath.

Quick and sudden nods.

Jean furrowed his eyebrows.

Your hand inched its way into his.

Jean pushed himself up onto his elbow and leaned over you

Your gleaming eyes flashed to his lips and back up to his eyes.

A silent exchange of words.

Leaning forward, Jean let his forehead lightly knock against yours. “Can I kiss you.”

“Please.”

Slowly, Jean let his lips ghost over yours. Just barely touching. As though Jean was scared any harsh movements would make you break. You surged into the kiss, squeezing onto his hand still interlocked with yours.

Jean internally groaned, the taste of your minty tongue invading his senses. If he didn’t stop kissing you now he was going to go crazy.

Pulling back from your lips, he stared down at you. You chuckled nervously, fingers twitching.

“What? Am I that bad of a kisser?”

Jean shook his head quickly. “No way. You’re amazing. Just… just fucking relieved you feel the same way.”

You smiled up at him. “I mean, of course. You were my first friend. Only makes sense that you were my first love too.”

Bonus:

“Jean-boy, I made some sandwiches for you and (Y/N) to e- OH!”

“Ma! It’s not what it looks like!”

“I’m so sorry! I’ll leave you two alone. Make sure to use protection!”

A pillow thudded against the freshly closed door and fell to the floor in a sad lump.

“SHUT UP MA!”

#jean kirschtien #jean kirschtein scenarios #jean kirschtein x reader #attack on titan #attack on titan imagine #jean kirschtein fluff

[gammacousin]

Okay. I’m ready to real talk Black Widow. I don’t want to but as an activist there’s an obligation I have to share and educate. I nerd to forget but I suppose it shows the power of this movie if it brings something real into the light.

*Spoiler Warning. Trigger warning for everything.*

There are some things I want to say that could potentially spoil aspect of the Black Widow film. I also would advise you to skip this post if you have a darker past, if you aren’t interested in getting serious, or wish to skim by, I’m sincerely not judging! I come on here to avoid the universe as well. You do you, I totally still love you if you don’t read this and want to move onto something nerdy or more fun. This isn’t the post for you.

It’s taken me a while to process and organize my thoughts. Skip if you don’t want to hear deep, raw stories.

3

2

Okay. Nerd review first.

The level of girl power and any and all glass ceilings… There is SO much left to do. So much that needs to still be addressed. But seeing 3 women run this show: Yelena, Natasha, and Melina was an absolute joy to observe. This isn’t the end of some hard waged war, it’s the beginning and I beg you; Disney/Marvel. Please give us more of this? It’s so important for young girls to see other girls kicking butt and winning. Quick summary of nerd feelings; Losing Nat still burns. Yelena is a boss.

Okay…Real talk.

I have to get a little deeper here now. My personal story absolutely played into how I felt about this film and I wish I saw some trigger warnings about the material covered. Do I know Black Window’s story? Yes. In and out. I can read it, I can write my FF on it. However. Little to no one knows my story and so absolutely no one is to blame for not warning me. I was not expecting to come out this shook.

I’m sharing this because it’s happening now, today. In the real world. I doubt the film makers had this mind over other social issues, but after feeling like it’s irrelevant, that my pain is somehow less than, I’m realizing through my activism it’s not.

I grew up in a cult where women are not relevant. You matter up to a point. You are useful, to a point. If you’re giving 24/7, you’re not giving enough. If you’re not smiling as you’re doing cult stuff, you’re complacent. In addition to why I’m about to share, my house growing up was not a safe space which is a story for another time. So it’s a stack…this janga-ish game that eventually just comes crashing down.

My trigger started moments after the film started the handing over of the kids. When Alexei chooses the job over the welfare of the girls. Alexei put his two “daughters” in danger to save ‘face’. To put the job ahead of two children…it hit home. In the group I’m from, fathers, mothers, grandparents, siblings will absolutely choose the group over blood. You are nothing and you mean nothing if you ‘defect’. If you break a rule. If you complain. If you say ‘no’. If you put in a bad review for a leader, if you have anything bad at all to say about the organization as a whole. You can confide something deep in someone you trust and it absolutely will come back to hurt you.

The title song shook me completely. This collage of video and images of brainwashing, treating these girls like absolute objects is disgusting in itself. But when you’re raised in this other world, there’s a level of brainwashing that is absolutely unmatched. Videos, books, quizzes, 12 hour lectures, weekly meetings.

People are unified to the point where you lose your own identity. There’s a language- a literally language- words you start to misuse. Verbiage only people in the cult use. Kids of any age will watch any rated film. Frequently the themes are about obedience and or cooperation and the consequences if you do not cooperate/obey. Death is a such a common theme that either you become petrified of your own shadow, petrified of breathing wrong, or turn completely numb. In sharing these videos, the goal is to instill this fear that you will never be enough. That you will die- turn into a charred hot dog of a figure if you do not obey 8 white men - the leaders, in New York. That your friends, classmates, neighbors, family will die if they don’t believe what you do. That you’re held accountable if you can’t bring them to your side.

The song for the credits hit me. I cannot listen to it. I have no idea what it was about.

When I watched the film, I couldn’t focus at this point at gosh barely 15 minutes in. I had already checked out. I heard keywords. “Entertainers,” “I feel stupid and contagious…”

In my world, I did not matter. What mattered was, what was presented to the public. To your group. Meeting some checklist of this perfect family at any cost. You’re not an individual, you’re a number. Literally. Your records are documented by men in the back room- your actions, your track record. But ultimately? You’re part of a numeral equation reported to headquarters. And if you’re a woman, you do not have a say in how you look, dress, act or in what you say. You are as the title song says, …“Entertainers”. You smile. You do your job, and you are ‘happy’ about it. Your job is to dedicate x amount of hours cleaning the room you gather in, and in recruitment of other members…

There’s a ‘job’ in the cult called a “pioneer”. Okay. No, we might not have been trained assassins. But you are trained to manipulate emotionally. To prey on the weak. You get books, magazines, movies, speeches, lectures- you rarely get a free Saturday. Oh and the job isn’t paid. So make sure you’re working (part time because full time secular work isn’t acceptable) at a desk job (because college and getting an education is not allowed). Don’t make friends with the people who work with you, they’re out to get you. Back at the club; You answer questions like it’s some schoolastic quiz every week and quote what your reading. It’s a brainwashing tactic. If you say something enough times, you remember it. You start to believe it. You spend hours reading these things, training… Your job is to target people who have lost- and have lost a lot because they’re vulnerable. You learn to go to cemeteries, and literally stalk people who are grieving. Like Val. If you can catch someone when they’re weak, senses are dulled. They’re desperate. And you bait them with this false promise. This idea that all THEY have to do is change all that they are, join you, and they’ll see their dead loved ones again. That they are doomed if they don’t change. Most pioneers draft 2-4 people per lifetime. If you’re a great saleswoman, you can draft more into this horrific world. And I regret the hours I spent lying, torturing people. For some cult that doesn’t give two cents about me.

I 100% believed of I didn’t convince my classmates, neighbors, to join my side they would either turn me in or they would be killed by a divine being. From 2 years old I was supposedly handing out pamphlets. The doom is not a quick painless death, no. You have visuals. You have men getting up to talk in detail about what your ‘friends’ will look like as corpses. Visually descriptive to the point where I still feel a bit numb to it all. That you will have to bury their bodies after the whole divine destruction. That you will have to “clean up” the earth. You are numb- convinced- bullied to the point where you believe this is true.

If you’re hurt as MANY WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE, and you don’t have two people to testify and say they saw it- it never happened. Abuse is the norm. And if you speak up about it? You’re called a liar. Your friends cut you off. They think you’ll die along with everyone else if you put in a ‘bad review’ or leave. You’re bullied into submission and taught from a young age that you are not in control of your own decisions. You relinquish yourself under the pretense that the men you have such reverence toward are under some divine being’s control.

Your parents hurting you is acceptable. And don’t you dare speak against your father if he’s deeply involved. Don’t even think about approaching if he’s on a phone call. If you’re hit you take it- because you “deserved” it. And you smile. You shove that pain deep down. You hide the bruise, the cut lip, the depression, the bottles of pills you’re swallowing the whatever….You’re screwed if you faint, throw up, pass out, because you’ve missed a meeting. You better be dying for that to happen…

The idea that is portrayed in the movie (IMO) is that you can forgive family who hurts you. I see people forgiving Alexei and what’s her name. Look- that’s great. It’s a fun film. Alexei is funny. Here’s what I saw; it’s a toxic man- nay- father who can’t accept responsibility. He takes pride in what the girls have become- monsters. Not in who they are at their core. He has no idea who they are. And the mom has this photo album…I’m tearing up. She remembers this a certain way, a wishful thought. I’ve confronted my own mother about our past and had an album thrown at me, “We were happy. You were happy.” The fact is I was told the smile. You’re forcing this perception that everything was normal. That it’s okay to go back. (I’m not taking away Yelena’s view that everything was real to her, that’s fine for the sake of the story, and sweet. The moment between her and Alexei..fine. Milena turns and takes their side at the end, great.) The problem with how I saw this, is that’s not how the real world works. I don’t owe my parents forgiveness when I didn’t mean shit to them. When people leave the cult they’re cut off. Treated like they’re dead. I didn’t find these moments cute, I found them horrific. Hugging me, saying he’s proud of me is the toxic sh** my father would pull. Ignoring the holes in the wall, in my skull, the phony impression he gives to the rest of the group. Hugging me…after sweeping everything he did not only to me, but countless others under the rug because the cult…because 8 men in NY will protect him. Legally. Or otherwise.

I don’t need to forgive my parents. If you’ve been mistreated, you don’t owe anyone anything. They can “try” to do the right thing, that doesn’t somehow block out years of mistreatment. Years of trauma. Sheetrock only patches the surface of the broken walls. Wounds heal but some scars stay with you forever. Metaphorically or otherwise.

‘Entertainers’ was a trigger word because if you’re high enough in the ranking system you’re asked to “testify” or share a story. It’s in front of a couple thousand. It’s an “honor”. What it really is, is a three ring circus. You will only see women on the sidelines reading from the cards while only men stand at the main podium. They’re reading what they have told them to say. Stories are manipulated, cut, changed to fit a narrative that better suits the group of a couple thousand members.

Dreykov. I hate this. But I have to go there. I’m neck deep already, might as well. I think the worst part of all of it is that you can’t touch the person who made you this way. Those 6-7-8 leaders are untouchable. It doesn’t matter what you try. What legal entities, ex groups have tried. There’s a term for us and we are considered ‘mentally diseased.’ Members are told to avoid us. And in case you were curious, no, they can’t just break their nose on a table to be free- if only it were that simple. Gosh that got me. I would cut a limb, split my skull open, if it meant I could just cut a chord. It takes years of therapy and I still have nightmares. Urges to just, go. I’m OKAY. But most escapees are not. If you manage to escape with your life and don’t end it because the pressure, guilt, abuse that comes with leaving is too much. (This is sadly the fate of MANY LBGTQ+ members.)

The only hope is either the group eventually runs out of money or they’re taken down legally. Both of which are impossible since many older members will leave all they have to the group rather than to their family. It’s a complex billion dollar publishing company that plays monopoly with people’s investments, homes, and lives.

If you speak up, you’re the liar. So you cannot free your friends, who have turned on you, already cut you off, and discarded you the day you walked out and didn’t come back.

Watching Natasha, and Yelena free their sisters made me think of every woman who is stuck in this cult. For every woman, child, currently being sexually/physically abused and can’t say sh** because they literally believe god will kill them. If I say anything to them, they block me. If I expose what’s happening they will lie in court. That’s what is happening. And it’s not in the news, it’s not talked about. Because you can’t. You’re forced into silence. There’s a block. A literal legal force field that you cannot penetrate. They have their own lawyers. You can’t break into it. You’ll lose every, single, legal battle you try to fight.

Was this a decent movie? Yes. Was I expecting to share this days after release, no. I’ve been forced into silence for so long, told that people have it far worse and that I shouldn’t talk about it. But just today I saw a grown ass couple in an escapee group, talking about how one trigger word sent them into a depressive spiral. Wondering if some god damn lightening will come out of the sky and knock them dead. And we frickin struggle in silence. People will just shrug and go “oh it can’t be that bad,” while my gay best friend can’t catch an effing break. While someone else suffers at home because god wants it that way. Someone else will bury their kid today, maybe not even hold a funeral for them if they were ‘mentally diseased.’

For people like that couple I met today, like me, if you don’t just see a fun film but a darker past or maybe it’s brought up some memories for you, I’d honestly love to chat!!! Message me! I feel like for as painful as this is to hash out not too many people know about what goes on behind a group of smiling, well dressed woman who come knocking on your door. “It’s just a religion.”

I guess I didn’t realize…the criminal aspect of what happened to me. You’re so ingrained to keep quiet. To smile. To ignore, to suppress. I can smile, joke laugh, but visualizing…inadvertently seeing this mirror was so unbelievably uncomfortable. I would always rather help someone else because it takes me out of my head. Live in a bubble where I can call my trauma a ‘fantasy’. What’s real is when someone like me has a bad day? Lol! Look, my husband literally checks his phone to make sure a conversation never touches a couple hundred trigger words that will absolutely send me into the closet with a gallon of ice cream or a bottle of whiskey. I can’t imagine what someone else, what some other traumatized individual goes through. (Maybe that’s why the Bucky stuff makes me all angry She-Hulk too..)

Look, talking people ex members of this group, out of suicide is a daily endeavor to the point where it’s borderline on autopilot. But having this, I suppose, brilliant, piece of cinema turn the camera around left me raw and writhing and angry. Not for me, but for everyone else still stuck. With every year you spend in that cult, add ten more to therapy.

If you feel like me at all, you’re not alone. Not anymore. We were raised to feel alone in the world. That the universe is somehow out to get us and that’s simply not true. You don’t need the people who raised you if they were absolute shit bags. And you DO NOT have to forgive them for keeping you in that environment. Family isn’t family if they’ve hurt you. You owe them nothing. It is healthy to feel your feelings (and you and your feelings are valid. )

Anyways! I hope to be able to talk about more fun Marvel topics soon. But this felt important so thanks for listening. I’m really not hating guys, this is just…it’s heavy. And I beg you to do your research into cults and to help out where you can.

Love and light,

-M

#black widow film #black widow #cult #cult life #cult escapee #ex jw #apostate #mcu #jw #jwfamily #jwfacts #marvel

[misterbitches]

some thots. having a bad time so this is rougher than usual. oh well

....

i guess he really does know hiim best cos if that was my mans (man specifically cos if anyone else did that id take it more srsly) i would be like oh my god ur singing me a love song? i would love it but i woudl SCREAM in embarrassment. UNLESS it was a really deep love song that's about us dying together.

like i want to eat ur skin type of thing (drain u nirvana) lmaoa but i really like this song it reminds me of that velvet underground song (the only one i know cos of juno lmao) and nico or whatever 'i'm sticking with you)

my adhd would be out of fucking control i had to spend my time listening to this looking around i kept getting distracted by a tissue and thinking "wow this song is nice but i wish it would end bc i am getting distracted" and lo and behold i paused it and i have to pee and i know it's gonna take forever to undo this

ok about 12m later i turned it back on and they kissed and then he bit the corn then that night li chen also lost his virgin teas after watching gay porn and being like "hm interesting" and he'll be like "i see, ur dick is not medium sized"

i'm honestly gagging i cannot at this 12 year old marrying his mom

beautiful theyre beautiful

ayea you fucking psycho we do too because he was 17 and we had to witness it (or well, other people did cos i didnt watch the show even tho wayne song is [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEP] and i want him to [BEEEEEEEP] and ppl even liked it which is fine like i get it in theory but they put this in my eyeballs so i'm gonna make fun of it bc it's fuckin DUMB lmao like i can't I CANNOT and he said "u were so persistent" BITCH UR 30??!?!???!?!?!?)capi hve it on mute and i tried to get a screencap of li chen and mu ren like together and not just his face but i cant find the timestamp and seeing their faces as they get married is literalyl traumattizing i'm like scremaing at my screen going "HE'S 5 HE'S 5 HE'S 5" and every time theyre like "we acn live forever together" like no bitch ur bones rae creaking

also is the officiator white? if anyone knows why or if that's common i'd love to know more. EDIT: HE ISN'T I JUST THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE MOBY FROM THAT ANGLE

anyway here

i'm almost done with this fucking bullshit and i am in a really ould mood and usu they make it a bit better but imo it's kind of....annoying i guess balancing all these story elements and introducin gother couples (even in the periphery) since the story in itself can't focus. i feel like all in all the time spent with these two is a lot more limited and we get the feel for the rship because of their chemistry as actors, irl chemistry as friends and colleagues, and hopefully being happy and working on a good set. so it isn't the strength of the writing or production.

for some reason they get like less dynamic ways of being together which i think is part of their charm, they do things their own way, but the writers really should have substantiated this more. it's really just the way everyone in the show has managed to deliver these AWFUL story lines and production decisions (like seriously who the fuck was on costume? lighting?)

like maybe hot take but all the moments that are cringe and insane in the show are not pleasant, per se, because they aren't thought out clearly. so they're not a joy to watch in the normal sense but the actors are good enough to pull it off. i didn't cringe at the talks they had because it felt like actors like acting these lines out instead of us being embarrassed for it and you CAN TELL theyre embarrassed.

this is a huge kudos to the casting director and the actors and whatever crew that actually did a good job. i don't particularly like watching bo xiang and his grandfather husband not because of the content but because i feel like, to me, they're so awkward even though they have chemistry. i don't have that issue with xing si and his rapist brother boyfriend because watching them is actually really pleasant, it's intimate. this isn't to do with the story though because when it hits you how devoid this other person is and how stupid the situation is it changes (for me, for me, for me, this is all my opinion think whateverrrr u want im not telling u 2 ok!)

so truly kudos to this cast. idk if i'm misremembering here but imo the most cast appropriate series in this was crossing the line and close to you. one is a decent atmosphere and execution (yes even with that brother story line, notice the major key differences though because that's a sincere false equivalence. they try to execute power imbalances soooo badly and then fail every time but here's one meant to shock too and it was just likelmao ok girl?)

it may not make sense to say either in a writing way or for the character to do it but i believe that whoever the characters these people are supposed to be especially those super not well written on the page still get that message aacross (yong jie's actor is a good ex. not sure if i should ccongratulate him for having the worst job on earth and the worst character and his character is flat but. ostensibly they should let their actions speak for themselevs but what they do is they back themselves into a ccorner with unsuretyabout their characters or a dilemma that pops up they just want to excuse it. well guess hwat u couldnt do enough legwork. but to some extent the disposable side couple works here on a um "our eyes see them and get it" way

also to me it seems like they chose this story just to have this specific wedding. like it's a timely topic and i'm pretty sure like another provision? (correction? idk) was made WRT taiwanese same-sex marriage so it's topical but it isn't like a "papa and daddy" situation where they're interacting in it and there (for ex: the pride parade) and there being like real life terms and consequences. here it seems like they were like ah yes wedding ah yes dumb couple from modc bc we kiled off the other one sooooo (then outsource them to life love on the line u__u) then hamfisting in some fucking message which is funny bc

- despite the hints peppered in and the clear attraction they both acknowledge ur like ~not gay just him~ even tho...i mean i just. again they dont read over what they write i don't think considering. but wahtever.

- the only gay dude (verbally said) is with his rapist brother with an awful power dynamic oh or IS a rapist (gao) (or his brother but i think it was just a "im a psycho so it's him" thing unless they said it. in which case idc cos i wasnt paying attn but that's also not great) or i guess the wedding but like....that's also a ridiculously inappropriate and dumb relationship taht it's built on. i mean i don't really see much respect her so i dont particularly want to hear abt gay weddings being important when they didn't even utilize it in the story beforehand and have we ever. this is a huge indication to me that it was a reverse engineered chosen story beforehand (if it was one) or thought of

soooooo

so reversal of that....it didnt give us enough time to breathe with these two at all but for both of the actors they can capitalize what's on the page and the writers didn't. like their dynamic is very i give/you give like taking car eof each other etc that's why

again, no artist worth their salt will ever say their work meant nothing. that's a cover up. i'm sick of lazy production and then getting away with it claiming being subversive or attacking an issue by not doing anything. we show crazy shit all the time but it has a POINT and ur point is "i like the gays" then girl.....i mean it's not great

but the acting really carried it. i have a feeling if this series continues it might continue to use more experienced actors cos maybe the budget goes up but they also have less inhibitions now when it comes to acting. i like the way li chen expresss himself and teng teng too. i like anson a lot and there's some angles that did not do any favors and i think eh has to get more control of his body movements (bc he's SO LARGE and thin) but he wasn't bad at all and there were real human tears. of course i, personally, favor charles tu. he has more control over his body because he has...less to work with and he's a bit bigger and he was really great in this role. he's a himbo a bit of a meathead but you like him. you like them. there's some things i think they had them say and do that they wouldn't let happen if they stuck to the characters and the story (mainly liking that dumb idiot rapist)

what i notice is that the reprehensible actions people criticize others for in the show and in real human life lalways gets turned around. teng teng being surprised that this boy's grandfather boyfriend met him when he was a junior in high school and he's 12 years older and him apologizing for being shocked and then whatshisface going "ur better at it than most people" and then the convo about gao with whatshisface and then rapist brother comes to pick him up. they are admonishing gao but thinking that rapist brother is noble for doin gwhat he did (and oh rapist brother shows up) like the hypocrisy and the decisions are immense. so now it's like "guys see he's a great guy" like girl STICK TO SOMETHING but whatever so i live in this universe where muren and li chen do everything right and have lots of different interesting fun seex with all their friends. i would write this but i cannot i am dying

#history 4: close to you #history 4 #li chen x mu ren #a thot

[ll-underestimated-ll]

Answering All Questions from a Prompt Cos I Do What I Want

1. What’s one experience your character had that made them very afraid?

The first time he woke up to find that what he’d dismissed as being entirely the formation of one of his nightmares - was very much real. Prompted the realisation of just how much harm he was capable of doing.

2. Does your character have a deep and/or dark secret? If so, what is it?

Leo doesn’t let people know that his sire & grandsire never entirely aligned themselves with the Camarilla. Considering it took him some time to work that out himself he holds hope that at his current age people simply won’t go digging. There is also generally a lot of things he’s done in the name of fulfilling some role or another that he feels deep shame for. That’s less kept secret and more... he just doesn’t speak about it.

3. Have they ever lost a loved one? What happened to them, and are they the same as they were before they lost them?

Many. Regularly. Loss is simply part of un-life for him. The fact he hasn’t lost anyone near and dear to him over the last half a century hangs over him like a bad omen. He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. But a short list of the most notable losses that had an summary of their impact on him:  - Eldest brother : sickness/starvation ~1510 - resulted in Leo taking on a survivalist ‘me before others’ attitude. - Best friend : first feed post-embrace 1516 - made him terrified of himself for several years - First wife : Mother order him to burn her to death late-1520s - made him highly aware of the fact that he can be turned on people he’s cared about  - Ell (one of his ‘siblings’) : sent on a suicide mission Mother had him sign off on ~1630?1620? - was the last straw in hammering home what he’d already seen over the course of being blood bonded. They were all disposable to her, and it was only a matter of time before he’d meet the same fate. - Nossie he’d fallen for : execution 1940s - after he had committed several masquerade breaches Vindr ordered Leo to use trust he had with him to follow through with the execution. It’d been a long time since he’d killed someone that dear to him and the ease at which he did it unsettled even himself. 

4. Has your character ever been hurt or betrayed by someone they thought they could depend on? What happened?

Yes. He’d had ‘siblings’ try to double-cross him on plenty of occasions. Usually was via trying to pin the blame for something on him.

5. Would they ever turn on someone they just met in order to save themselves?

Yes.

6. Have they ever committed a crime, or something they felt was wrong? What was it?

The entire Crimes Act. At least, as far as he has the capacity for doing so.

7. If your character was allowed to murder one person without any consequences, who would it be and why?

Vindr. The time spent blood bonded to each other between 1860 - 1989.

8. Does your character have any enemies? If so, who and why?

There are several hunters based in the country he’s trying to figure out how to get rid off without causing a scene or draw any attention to. They’re a threat to his community. 

9. Is the character a victim of abuse?

Yes.

10. What were the character’s parents like? What was the affect the parents had on the character?

His father was a minor merchant managing the coming and goings of goods from his home village. His work placed them above standard serfdom allowing him the chance to learn basic reading and writing before his sire (Mother) adopted him. Any influence they had on him has long since been overshadowed by other things.

11. What are your character’s coping mechanisms?

Burying himself in work and activities. Finding relatable aspects in fictional characters. Joking around and making the most of opportunities where he doesn’t have to take things too seriously.

12. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

After lifetimes of suffering he’d prefer to avoid it. However he does have a cruel streak and enjoy seeing other people suffer. Has that ‘it’ll build character’ and ‘it’s not that bad so suck it up’ sort of attitude towards other peoples shit. Sometimes he just wants someone to suffer as a way to exercise control over them.

13. What does it take to make your character cry?

Simultaneously a lot, and also real minor stuff. Ya know, the standard shit to come from suppressing/bottling up your reactions to incredibly straining situations. He’ll be cold and apathetic in some incredibly horrible situation he ought to cry about. Then some time later break down post screaming fit at some inanimate object because it wasn’t cooperating with him.

14. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

Other than his prioritisation of maintaining his own power and survival over anything else? The fact he’s stuck at 16 years old. That’s an incredibly difficult thing to work around - even when in a relationship based purely on romantic feelings. These modern nights he feels that both physical and overall age lock him out of legitimate relationships entirely. To the point where he doesn’t even play at stringing people along on one sided things ~for the drama~ like he used to. 

This particular reason is what’s had him friendzoned by the twins, despite them being the best probably candidate and him pulling kind of a Edward on them.

15. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

Biggest fear is hard to pinpoint, but in general the concept of being completely helpless and not in control of his own actions. When scared he gets paranoid and hyper-vigilant of his surroundings. Very on guard towards any threats and looking for away to run away.

16. What are your character’s vices and bad habits?

Impulsiveness. Knowingly causing harm. Smoking.

17. Is your character afraid of death? Why/why not?

Absolutely. He doesn’t even like to think about what final death will have in store for him.

18. Would society call your character a good guy or a bad guy? what would they say they are?

From societies perspective from everything he’s been involved with - 120% a bad guy. He’d say the same and mark himself down as being an Anti-hero at best. 

19. What is your character insecure about?

His own paranoia causing him to flip from being impulse to being incredibly indecisive at times.

20.  What was something they struggled with greatly and how did they overcome it?

Being blood bonded. Overcome through a mix of share force of will and personal introspection.

21. Does your character have anyone that they really care about, to the point that they would give their life for them? If so, who are they and what is your character’s relation to them? If not, do they wish they did? Is there anyone they wish they could build such a relationship with?

While he doesn’t think he’d give his lives for them because that sort of behaviour is incredibly foolish in his eyes - his current found family from the past century. His central coterie of the twins and Alexandra in particular. He will throw just about everyone in his city under the bus in the name of protecting them. And, they’d do the same. In post-prince verse when his city falls Alex ends up the one sacrificing her life for him and god the guilt is sickening.

He’s quite happy with his current little familial circle but he’s hoping to get closer with Danny. Get him to be part of that found family circle properly.

22. If they could change just one thing about themselves, what would it be?

He’d like to have the capacity to care for people without feeling like he’s going to inevitably be their downfall.

23. Is your character more physically or emotionally strong? Why is this?

If we’re talking strong in terms of taking blows that can be taken I wanna say physically cos despite it being his lowest stat his Fortitude is high so he soaks damage fairly easily.

24. What is your character’s most important possession? Why?

He still has his signet ring from when he fled his Mother. Not even he knows just how much that it means to him. It’s intensely sentimental to him as the only physical possession he has left of that era of his life. Someone stole it from him while he was living in London and he made quite the mess of them to get it back.

25. Do they find that they care what others think of them? Or do they not really mind how others view them?

He flip flops wildly between caring intensely about what others think of him and not giving a singular shit. It depends on the crowd and his motivations. In general his preference is to have people to like him and see him as above them in some way.

26. What, in your character’s life, puts the most pressure on them?

The community he’s Prince of. He sees his role as being to protect them at the end of the day and sometimes that means doing things they don’t like. But doing things they dislike gets push back and push back de-legitimises his power as Prince.

27.  What would be the worst way to die, in your character’s opinion?

How he almost died when I used him briefly as a PC. Disgraced. Looked down upon with no dignity by everyone around him in a city he’s unfamiliar with. Nobody. Nothing. The last of his city. A waste of the self sacrifice from those he loved. Crying, screaming desperately trying to claw his way out of capture at the hands of those that don’t know tossing him in a holding cell where light can get to him will kill him.

28. What is your character’s greatest strength?

In mun’s opinion, the fact that despite everything he’s been through and seen...the fact that he just keeps going.

29. What is their weapon of choice, and what weapon do they dislike using the most?

Social manipulation so that combat is avoided in the first place. But, he’s always had a liking for firearms and actually quite likes using them. He dislikes fighting with his bare hands.

30. What makes them feel safe or secure? What makes them feel insecure or unsafe?

He feels most safe when either alone or the only people around him are those he has blood bonded. He feels deeply uncomfortable around kindred that are of a lower generation than him. With dominate as a main discipline he finds that not being able to resort to it suddenly makes all interactions with the person he’s interacting with very threatening.

#long post #ooc #about

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

Why Bioshock Rebirth Part 3 won’t be a thing for a while

Guessing that title will work. I think considering now and on this day. There isn’t much else to do. I’m finally gonna talk about this. This is gonna be a long one. I’ll think about adding a keep reading thing as I make this. 

If any of you are a Bioshock fan or follow me. Or whatever else. I have this reimagining AU named Bioshock Rebirth. It has people who like it. There are mainly three parts on my mind. 

Part 1 and 2 basically deal with Rapture. Which are basically a reimagining of the main stories of Bioshock 1 and 2. With the events of Minerva’s Den being the epilogue. Part 3 from my mindset would deal with something outside Rapture. But I’ll talk about that later.

Yet I feel like to me. The reason I am not wanting to make a part 3 as soon as possible. Because it’s really tricky for me. I think I’ll just make the points and what my plans possibly were. Including I am gonna publicly reveal what my version of Zachary Hale Comstock would of been. Which is may be the most craziest decision. Whether people like it or not.

Now I just finished this post. I’ll put the tag after I write this. I will reveal I have a Bendy reimagining AU on my mind. But I want Dark Revival to come out soon. Which is why I don’t wanna focus more time on part 3. Along with other things. I feel proud or so with my work on Rebirth. I’m glad people love this AU/reimagining of Bioshock I made. :) So I will add the keep reading option. Now here is my detailed development of part 3. Not everything about it is there. But it’s a lot.

1. Part 3 would of taken 5 years after Bioshock Rebirth parts 1 and 2. Parts 1 and 2 took place in 2002. While part 3 takes place in 2007. Meaning the character ages have changed.

Basically Archie Wynand is 28. Elizabeth Comstock is 24. Brigid Tenenbaum is 40. Eleanor Lamb is 22. Even though Archie/Jack and Eleanor had her their ages sped up by people. With Archie being 10 and Eleanor being 12. But again there ages were sped up. Also the Little Sisters and Big Sisters that have been rescued have grown up too.

It depends on what characters would return. Like Delta/Johnny being 42. Daisy being 34. Booker being 43. Considering it’s not in Rapture. I don’t know if many characters would of returned. Yet that’s because I didn’t start writing possibly the main story for part 3. In case if anyone is worried. Many of the Vox Populi are fine. They must of moved on with their lives with Rapture sadly being a mess.

2. From what I get. The main story again was outside of Rapture. I seemed to be going with my old ideas I had for this AU. A public Rapture or the idea of Rebirth’s version of Columbia.

Considering Rebirth was born from the mistakes and retcons of Burial At Sea breaking the multiverse. Basically me disowning, shaming, yet acknowledging that DLC. So the idea I seem to be going with is that Columbia is the aftermath and America trying to make their own kind of Rapture. A public Rapture in a way for tourists. Something kind of like Jurassic Park.

Yet I don’t think it would be fully in the sky. It would be an island on water. With possibly Rapture under it. They built it over Rapture. 

Again Columbia is like America’s pale imitation of Rapture. With Rapture being discovered by America. Basically making profit off of it. Despite how tragic the results of Rapture of.

3. More on the main story. I think what it would be or as of now is Archie, Elizabeth, Brigid, and Eleanor going to Columbia or America’s public Rapture to stop Comstock. Considering this city has become a mess. The original idea is that it some how became worse than the tragedy of Rapture. 

With Big Daddies and Little Sisters being legalized. And Splicers or so possibly becoming more I guess crazy. With an old or possible dark idea of a Splicer eating out of a Little Sisters neck. Yet that’s really dark and just me showcasing some how this place became worse than the original Rapture.

4. Vigor’s in Rebirth would of been America’s knockoffs and pale imitation of Rapture’s Plasmid’s being reworked by Jeremiah Fink to make them more accessible so that you don’t have to inject them into your wrists. You could just simply drink them. 

Basically again they are strangely knockoffs and pale imitations in a way.

Shock Jockey is Electro Bolt. Devil’s Kiss is Incinerate. Bucking Bronco is Telekinesis. While some are again knockoffs. But some are original being the other Vigor’s.

But considering an idea from my anonymous friend who has helped me with this AU. With them mentioning well I’ll copy what they said instead. I’ll put the “ around it.

“Ironic considering the stereotype about most of the world's products being inferior knockoffs made in China. I can imagine that Fink's imitation of Rapture's products might be even more unscrupulous and dangerous compared to the original versions in Rapture, as the greater capitalist system intersects with the small-scale capitalism of that city.”

5. To be honest and I want to get this out of the way. The reason I am not making part 3 right away. Because I want to see if the leaks about Cloud Chamber’s Bioshock 4 are really true. Spoilers.

Basically the leaks being about that Rapture seemed to have been discovered. Now London is at war with ADAM being used. You play as a character named Lucas with other characters like Eleanor Lamb joining you. I want to see if this is all true. So I can see how Cloud Chamber interpreted of how the world would react to a city like Rapture. 

While there are folks who have made criticisms about people discovering Rapture being the end of the world. Basically being critical about the Bioshock series going in a Resident Evil like direction. Which I can totally understand.

But I’m gonna be honest. I want to see what Cloud Chamber are doing. Yet this horrible thing I’m gonna say next. As someone who’s.....opinions of their planet and maybe species is I guess low....I kind of don’t care. Because I want to see the chaos of the consequences if a place like America discovered Rapture. 

It’s maybe my darker side and my action junkie side having the best of me. I am strangely interested to see Hell on Earth all because governments got fucking greedy with ADAM. Again my opinion on my planet and whatever else is tricky.

Fuck it like we as a species deserve it. But I’m sounding pessimistic. I want to see war torn London destroyed by ADAM junkies.

5. My direction for part 3 I feel is weaker and not as powerful as parts 1 and 2. Because the general idea of part 3 seems to be, “America is fucking stupid. Because it empowers young rich pricks like Zachary Hale Comstock and makes shit like Columbia. Our country needs to be fucking better if really are the land of the free” It feels less original and been done before.

Compared to the first two part’s stories of humanity, found family, love, forgiveness, empathy, and compassion. Along with other stuff.

While I recall my inspiration for this idea long ago was this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXjJOmRkN6s If I recall it being like an example of....America’s thought process of it thinking it’s awesome or whatever the Hell. I wanna say stupid thinking. But that video is awesome. Amazing what that person did.

Also my version of Comstock I feel is less threating and less interesting than the likes of villains like Andrew Ryan, Atlas/Frank Fontaine, and Sofia Lamb. Unless I really tap and dig deep into his character.

There’s also the other thing part 3 I feel unless I decided. It doesn’t deal with dimension travelling and all that crap.

6. There’s another thing is that I used many of the major characters from Infinite and incorporated them in Rapture. Such as Elizabeth, Booker, Daisy, and the Lutece twins. I haven’t done much with Annabelle because she sadly died before the events of parts 1 and 2. Also Bluto is practically Rebirth’s version of Songbird when he was in Rapture. He was the Proto-Daddy.

Fink and Comstock are the only major Infinite characters I haven’t used.

7. Bluto’s robotic corpse would of been found by Fink and Comstock. He would of been rebuilt into Songbird as being the supposed mascot and guardian of Columbia.

It’s also a way of torturing Elizabeth mentally. Because two men practically took her protective older brother’s corpse and rebuilt him as something else. With the added angst that Songbird still have memories of Elizabeth.

8. Another reason why I don’t feel so highly of part 3. It’s because it just seems unrealistic. Which may sound stupid. My ideas of America’s own Rapture like place becoming somehow worse than the original Rapture seem crazy.

Along with things like legalized Big Daddies and Little Sisters seems crazy. Despite how stupid my country is. The idea of taking human beings and turning them into that under an American government seems like bullshit. Unless they didn’t know. 

Yet it seems to be dissing on America. Considering the direction of Comstock I’m going with is more like, “We’re America and we are great.” Yet everything goes to shit.

Along with the crazy idea of the place being built in 5 or maybe 4 to 3 years. Which is why I wanted to give it a timespan.

Also it’s a fun easter egg that it’s the time span of the original Bioshock’s development. Unless I make part 3 in 2013. But don’t think I should.

9. There’s been a recent idea of Lucas being an antagonist. Something similar to the Arkham Knight from Batman Arkham Knight. But I should wait and see if this Lucas character is seriously real. Yet what I have read about him, he reminds me a bit of Booker.

I’m guessing and even was thinking a bit more in detail. Lucas being a US Marine who was born in 1981. He’s 26 during part 3. Possibly being an anti-thesis to Archie’s character. Now I’m thinking he may of met Arch during possibly tours. Even though they weren’t really friends but knew each other.

With Archie being an earnest and kind man. Now this makes sense. Lucas being jealous of Archie’s position as, “The Demon Of Rapture” and, “The Killer Of Fontaine”. Lucas being a bit more angry and less honorable than Archie.

Man these ideas make more sense than Comstock being an anti-thesis to Arch. Yet we also have Frank Fontaine and Booker Dewitt being anti-thesis to his character too. But the idea of Lucas is strangely perfect.

The ideas I am having are he’s Columbia’s poster boy of a super soldier. But without the horrifying results of Archie’s origin possibly. Since Lucas I’m imagining is more equipped with stuff(Again thinking of Arkham Knight)....fuck this is strangely perfect. 

Man we haven’t gotten more info on this who I am calling Lucas Parkside....fuck I thought of more of him being a deeper character or so.

10. But again about Bioshock 4. Considering Rebirth is the result of Burial At Sea and also Infinite breaking the multiverse. It combined the worlds of the main universe(Bioshock 1, 2, and the Rapture novel if you want to include that) and Infinite. Which resulted in a timeline where Rapture was made later during the cold war. Along with characters like from Infinite being more connected to Rapture because of the events of Burial At Sea.

Yet Bioshock 4 or those Parkside leaks. I question if I should put them in here too. Because it’s unknown if well the events of 4 happened yet in the main universe. Unless we take into the good ending being canon. With 4 taking take in the 70′s what I read.

I’m rambling, I’m sorry about that. Basically the events of the novel and first two games happened. But the events of Infinite and Burial At Sea disturbed the main universe. And whatever I’m using some weird comic book logic. 

Again I hope sometime but soon I want more information considering Bioshock 4. 

11. I guess I’ll just reveal this now. Including I called him a young rich prick. I gave a hint early on. In fact this character was hinted at in memes. But him combing in Comstock was something I was surprised by long ago. Yet I felt I guess could be genius or whatever.

Only two friends of mine know. The anonymous friend. And also @feckinatlas

Zachary Hale Comstock in Bioshock Rebirth would of been the Mark Zuckerberg of Bioshock.

While there was the idea of making him the, “Radec” or something similar to make him more threating. But Booker is already that. Including the Mark Zuckerberg angle is something I’m interested in.

Yes Comstock is Rebirth is younger than his main universe counterpart. He’s also not Booker and possibly not related to him.

One of my original ideas was that he’s a year younger than Elizabeth. But I changed that and may make him possibly 30 or so. Or even Archie’s physical age or 29.

An old idea I even told Feckinatlas that him being Fontaine’s kid. But Frank never knew about him. Practically making even more of a terrible father. Yet I don’t know if I’ll go with that idea. Yet it seems better than Comstock being a kid of Booker. Which I don’t like. I was trying to keep the Booker and Comstock connection. I’m still wondering now.

Yes I think that’s all I’ll reveal now.

Edit I forgot this one other important thing. Oh crap two actually.

12. Considering Ava Tate survived and escaped Rapture. She would of been one of the villains in part 3. Basically she sided with Fink and Comstock. Ava is kind of like that character who might not care what side she’s on. Despite she has redeeming qualities in her.

13. Even though this wasn’t part of the main story. To be honest there are ideas that one of Elizabeth’s looks is like her Burial At Sea look. Yet she’s not a femme fatale. Basically it was the idea of her and Archie going undercover. With Elizabeth trying to pose as a femme fatale. Which in reality she isn’t. She’s still the same joyous girl that people love. It’s something a bit more strangely adorable.

Also Brigid tried to teach her some stuff of trying to act different. I remember talking about this with my anonymous friend. It’s mainly silly and adorable stuff before meeting her seeing Ava. Like Arch being pouty that he may have to put on a tux. When he’ll put on something like maybe Clark Kent would wear. He doesn’t wanna look like a rich prick and would rather have black ops gear on. While Brigid and Elizabeth find it adorable and funny he doesn’t wanna dress like Ryan and whoever else. Despite they would kick him out if he looks very normal.

But again Brigid teaching her some tricks. Along with Elizabeth trying to smoke to look cool. But she coughs and again it’s adorable. XD

This idea is like before the main story. But I should develop it more. It could still be before the main story. I wanted to share this because I forgot about it. 

#bioshock rebirth

[yamadadzawa]

30/12 for the BNHA ask meme? :D

12. Any character you disliked at first, but warmed up to?

This one actually stumped me a little, because I’m trying to remember back to some of those first impressions! I think on principle, Bakugou’s feral energy seemed funny at first until it became clear how he was with Izuku. And I think pretty much the entirety of my time engaging with bnha content has been spent compromising the conflicted feelings I have about him. Especially because canon Bakugou and fanon Bakugou can be so incredibly different.

I also think he’s a pretty “easy answer” for this question, so I’ll also say Iida! I wouldn’t go so far as to say I disliked him at first, rather I was unsure about him because of how we first meet him, and then I very quickly grew to love him!

30. What is, if any, the biggest flaw you see in the series? Or something you would have done differently?

I honestly just started laughing when I saw this question, because just. So many. Apologies in advance if my answer for this one ends up way longer than it really needs to be, I have a chronic case of Cannot Stop Talking. If I had to identify the biggest flaw though, I would say it’s a pretty even tie between

1. Hero schools being high schools &

2. The way morality and character traits are ignored in favor of plot or what is supposedly supposed to be humor.

I think the first one is pretty self explanatory, I realize that for the sake of the genre they’re high schoolers but BOY HOWDY should they not be. This is what I consider the short answer of what I would do differently, if I had to pick one thing.

By the second one, I mean how plot very much glosses over some major issues, like a highly powerful man offering a minor with hero worship a quirk without fully informing him of what it could do to his body and its full history. There are many people who don’t vibe with All Might one bit, because there are some major issues with the way he’s written, and he can easily be interpreted as abusive or manipulative (intentionally or unintentionally). And pretty much all of those issues, all the things he does wrong, are to move the plot forward and don’t necessarily fit the idea of his character, or what I think he was intended to be.

Bakugou is of course another big area where we see this. There’s a reason there are so many fics that explore the realistic impact of his bullying, and how his behavior towards Izuku during several exercises at UA (battle trial, final exam) really should have resulted in disciplinary action, both for Izuku’s sake AND Bakugou’s. The way Aizawa is presented to us, it really doesn’t make sense for him to ignore some pretty obvious signals between them! I suppose you could argue that these signals are obvious to us because of how we see the story unfold. But I don’t think there’s a strong argument to be made that a man ruled by logic, who is an underground hero and would need to analyze situations, would not see that there are issues between them. That’s very clear from the first day of class honestly.

But I’m not just going to like. Only talk shit about Bakugou as an example of this, I’ll also mention the Sports Festival. Plot tries to present the final ceremony as...funny I guess? But UA straight up chained a child to that podium on live international television. They dehumanized and treated him like a villain. And that does have consequences in the plot, I’ll gladly admit that! But it’s presented as Bakugou’s fault. His behavior at the SF, the way he acted when he was chained up, is presented as the reason the LOV were interested in him. The plot honestly nudges us to not think about who put him there in the first place, and UA never takes responsibility for that or even acknowledges that they shouldn’t have done it. There are some incredible fics that really dive into this issue and the realistic impact it could have on Bakugou.

Other points that are supposed to apparently be funny but really rub me the wrong way are Midnight’s canon personality and interaction with students and Pixie Bob calling dibs on 15-16 year old boys, because WOW are those problems. And again, it doesn’t make sense outside of that lens of “apparently this should be funny”. I really doubt that Aizawa would realistically let adults make comments like that towards his students! But we gloss over that for humor and because plot dictates that these characters need to be allowed to work with the students.

I could honestly keep going, especially about the character traits that get ignored pretty often for the sake of plot (All Might’s S rank intelligence stat, Aizawa’s logic and intelligence not leading him to notice things that should be obvious, like the problems between Bakugou and Izuku and when Iida chooses to intern where a serial killer nearly killed his brother). But I also should wrap this up at some point haha.

So I guess I’ll just say these are definitely issues that I see with the series, and I can see why and how they happened. I also think that this fandom is full of people who like to really dive deep into these issues, and really think about them, and consider how to fix them. And I think that’s awesome! These are issues, but they’ve led to people writing some AMAZING fics that address them. And these issues provide a lot of material to use for fic writing. So while I can tear into this series for hours if you let me, I can also gladly appreciate that silver lining haha.

Thank you so much for sending these, I had a LOT of fun answering them! 💛

#bnha #bnha ask #Lar Does Not Know The Meaning Of Too Much Talking

[drakewalkerfantasy]

Consequences: Chapter 12

Synopsis: Two people from two different worlds, two complete strangers come together for a night of solace from their moment of anger and hurt. By consequence, they were brought together and their fates intertwined. What will happen when the reality of the one night’s actions filled with lust and anger will hit them both? What will happen with two complete strangers who seem to have nothing in common? Or do they have more in common than they thought?

Words: 2813

Authors notes: Some chapters maybe NSFW or have a mature content. Also English isn't my native language so sorry for any mistakes I make.

Thank you for ready, please let me know, if you want to be removed or added from the tag list.

Beckett Harrington x TE MC (Maeve)

Cole Harrington x Liza Harrington

**Warnings: unplanned pregnancy**

Beckett stood still, leaning against the cold wall, his heart pounded as if trying to jump out of his chest. He could feel how his head began to spin, and his vision blurred, while his breathing became erratic. Quickly he leaned on the sink, grabbing the edges firmly with both hands, his knuckles becoming white from the force with which he was gripping on to it. Taking a few calming breathes, he raised his eyes, meeting their reflection in the mirror, his hair tousled, his eyes widened, and his face flushed. Turning on the tap, he splashed his face with the cold water, trying to calm down from the discovery he was still holding in his hands. He looked at the test, trying to think clearly, not letting emotions take over, not letting himself loose control.

Shit... he thought, splashing cold water over his face again, letting it run down his muscular chest, disappearing behind the waistband of his pants. Can this baby be mine? But she--- she told me that this isn’t possible as days weren’t right--- that chances were too small to get pregnant. Can this be this moron, who tried to take advantage of her during the party? Even a fleeting thought of this moron made his blood boil with rage. He knew that type of guys, unfortunately too well to know that he would never take responsibility for the child unless--- unless he needed something from the girl. And he was sure, that Maeve could hardly offer anything that could potentially interest this jerk. What could mean, only one thing, that he would want nothing to do with her or her child. He groaned with anger punching his fists against the wall on both sides of the mirror, feeling the pain shot through his hands, but ignoring it. The memory of his sister and the jerk who made her pregnant occupied his thought, making his gaze clouded.

“Kat? What are you doing here?” asked Beckett, watching his sister on the porch of their family’s mansion with a suitcase and a four years old child on her arms.

“I... Guy filled papers for divorce and threw me out of the house with Lydia, so I--- I just don’t know where else to go. Is mother home?” she asked weakly, swallowing the tears that ran down her face.

“Yes, she... she is in the cabinet. Come in, I can watch Lydia while you will speak with mother,” Beckett suggested, taking the little girl from his sister’s hands and putting her on the floor. Taking her hand carefully, he guiding her further into the hall, turning around to look after Kat, which disappeared behind the huge oak doors.

It took some time before Katrina finally walked out the door, her shoulders fell in defeat. Beckett raised his head, watching their mother walking behind her with the steel look in her eyes, without spare him even a single glance. Stopping just for a second to give an order to security guy whom she called earlier while in her office.

“Make sure, that these two would never cross through the threshold of the premises, and call everyone to gather here, I have an announcement to make,” Mrs. Harrington said in an unemotional voice before turning to Katrina who was now cradling next to Lydia, picking her up. Her face was puffy from tears that stopped flowing from her big eyes that matched Beckett’s and hold the depth as his. A huge red mark was visible across her cheek. Beckett carefully reached toward her hand, placing his on top of hers to get her attention a silent question deep in his eyes. She shook her head as if letting him know, that he shouldn't ask a question he wanted to ask, a silent conversation passing between them until their mother spoke.

“Beckett, leave her...,” she instructed, not even looking at him, her eyes focus on all servants that started to gather in the lobby.  Her voice loud and clear thundered through it, making everyone's blood curl up with fear, knowing that Mrs. Harrington is serious. “From now on, I forbade you or anyone else in that household to have any contact with this woman and her bastard. She caused that on herself, so now, until she will learn her place, she is no one. If I will find out that anyone helped her in any way, this person will be punished. Is that clear?” she roared, looking at everyone, watching them nod their heads, too frightened to say anything against the woman in front of them. “Beckett...,” she requested, still no sparing him a glance. “Yes, mam,” he hissed, looking at his sister and at her kid, who were sitting on the floor, both looking hurt. Small girl watching at him with her silver eyes filled with tears, her world crashing around her within one day, too young to understand why everyone turned their backs to them.

Beckett could feel how his heart got filled with rage and hatred to the woman who called herself their mother, to the woman who was the reason why Katrina ended like that. Not sure yet why Guy has finally filed papers for divorce, the only thing he knew for sure, that even that, was on their mother’s order. He sighed heavily, his heart broke and bleeding for his sister and this little kid in front of him who have watched him with these big silver eyes hoping that he will somehow protect them, not letting for their world to fall apart. This look in the child’s eyes filled him with determination, and he softly smiled at her picking her up in the air before helping Katrina to get on her feet.

Looking around, he noticed that they finally were left alone, whispering to Katrina to wait for him at their grandma's, the only place where they both felt safe and loved. Making sure that Kat and Lydia left safely, he ran upstairs taking out all his savings, his heart thundering, full of determination that whatever would happen next, he will never let his sister down. Hoping that this money will be enough for her to start an independent life, somewhere far away from their mother, somewhere where no one will be able to find them. Somewhere where she will find happiness.

With great effort, he shook himself from the memory, his thoughts returning to the present, and his eyes darkened from the single thought that another man like Guy could hurt another girl who was naive and stupid. Or who was used--- His hands curling into fists, and he looked into the mirror, the decision forming in his mind almost immediately, his face full of determination.

I need to do something. I need at least be here for her and make sure she will not get hurt. No one should get hurt the way my sister was--- and if I can do a damn thing about it, I will.

Taking a quick shower Beckett went to check on Maeve, once again softly tapping at the door. He waited for a moment longer, trying to clear his thoughts before finally entering her room. He noticed that she didn't change her position still lying curled up on the edge of the bed, her hands covering protectively her yet flat stomach, and her eyes were closed. The throw blanket slipped slightly from her body during her sleep. Trying to not wake her up, he came closer, carefully pulling up the blanket before turning around, throwing a last glance at her, not able to tear his eyes away. His heart skipping a beat when she sighed quietly in her sleep, wanting nothing more than to stay there and watch her sleep, making sure she wouldn't be alone when she would wake up. But he knew that he shouldn’t, at least not yet. Finally, with great effort, he looked away and exited the room.

After hours have passed, and the evening began to draw near, he started to worry. He came to check on Maeve more than once during the day, adjusting the blanket with which she was covered and making another cup of tea after the first one got cold. But every time he checked on her, she was still asleep as if exhaustion and reality were too much for her to handle. Getting down to the kitchen after another round to her room, he leaned on the counter with a heavy exhausted sigh, listening carefully to the smallest sounds that would come from Maeve’s room, but everything was still dead silent.

It was already past ten pm when he felt how his stomach started to rumble as if reminding him that since this morning he didn’t have a single bite in his mouth. His brows slightly furrowing when it occurred to him that Maeve probably was as hungry as him and still deep asleep in her room. The single thought of her made his heart flutter and an image of a blonde girl with eyes of a forest, protectively cradling her belly in her sleep, emerged in front of his eyes, making his stomach somersault inside of him. He never felt like that for anyone before, except... he gritted his teeth, his jaw clenching, while a pain struck his heart. The pain he didn’t felt in years coming back as if never leaving him as if he never promised himself not to think about it, not to remember that only time when he lowered his guards just for his heart to be ripped apart. Shaking his head as if trying to shook the memory away, he thought about Maeve and hunger they probably both felt. Quickly he opened the fridge looking at what they had in there, just now realizing that he had not the slightest idea, what pregnant woman should eat or what she shouldn’t. The worry line cut his forehead when he thought about accidentally do something wrong and by that hurting Maeve or her unborn baby.

Throwing a glance at his watch, he checked the time before dialing the only person’s number apart of his sister’s, that he knew may help him. He took a deep breath when he heard a signal coming through his phone, knowing that this would be the quickest and most accurate way to get the information than to browse through hundreds of internet pages looking for recipes. Thinking that he will explain later why he needed that information. After a moment the sound of gruffly a little bit out of breath voice came through the dynamic.

“Harrington, be quick. Or pray to God, I won’t go all the way to you to kill you or stuff the phone up your ass,” answered the man’s voice from the other side, making Beckett smirk.

“Dear cousin, I’m happy to hear you too, and send my greetings to your lovely wife, who found your threats amusing by the sound of it," said Beckett, listening to the soft giggles through the dynamic.

“Beckett, I’m serious,” growled the young man.

“Did I interrupted something?” Beckett asked, leaning on the counter with his back.

He met his cousin just a couple of years back when their grandma died. He came to the funereal only to be accused by Beckett's mother that he wants only her inheritance. Trying to bribe him to waive all claims, trying to threaten him. But instead, he just smirked at her, ignoring her for the rest of the evening. Surprisingly but Beckett and he immediately got along. It helped that by the time of their first meeting, they both loathed Beckett’s mother and the fact that they both had trust issues. Trusting only a couple of people who were close to them, but still not letting anyone get too close. Although Cole had at least one person who was closer to him than anyone ever got, and who owned his heart unconditionally. This person was Liza. His everything. Something, that Beckett would never have... He was torn back from his memory with a threatening but at the same time concerned voice coming from the other end.

“Beckett...”

“Cole, sorry I zoned out, but I need your help or... or Liza’s,” said Beckett with a sigh. He was silent for a moment before asking the question that was on his mind, hoping that this will not reach his mother or anyone they both knew. “What can a pregnant woman eat? What food is recommended, what to avoid and what is healthy,” he quickly rumbled through the phone, holding his breath after that. He could literally hear how the wheels in his cousin’s head were turning, working out why all these questions, and what Beckett is up to or have done.

“Beckett, did you make someone pregnant,” carefully asked Cole, feeling the warm hand of his wife running up and down his chest, trying to ignore the desire that boiled his blood every time she did that. He gently took her hand with his and squeezed it as if letting her know that this isn’t the best time. Not when his cousin seems to make someone pregnant.

“No... I... I didn’t,” breathed Beckett, hoping that Cole didn’t catch the stuttering in his voice before continuing to speak. “I didn’t,” he said more confidently. “But someone may... and I’m sure as hell this prick will not take responsibility. He is one of these guys who only use them... I feel sorry for her, so please don’t laugh, and not give me a damn speech that it is not my business. I know it... but I also know that she has no one to turn to, and if I can at least make her something to eat, as she didn’t eat from the morning I need to do that. Cole... please."

“ ‘Key,” simply said Cole, not a single note of judgment in his voice. He quickly listed everything that Liza craved at the beginning, and what food would be good for the girl or what to avoid. Liza chimed in after Cole stopped talking, listing recipes that are healthy and tasty. The ones that both could equally enjoy.

“Thank you,” Beckett finally said, writing down everything that was said. “I really am grateful,” he added after a moment.

“No problem, but Harrington, if you will interrupt us again, I will not hesitate to come all the way down there and shove that phone up to your arse. Understood?”

“Clear as day,” smirked Beckett, ready to end the call before his cousin's voice sounded again.

“Have fun with whoever this mysterious pregnant girl is,” smugly said Cole before hanging up the phone, not giving Beckett time for a reply.

Beckett looked at his phone with a mix of annoyance and amusement at his cousin for his last remark. Mumbling under his breath that he isn't planning to have any fun with a girl before moving to the fridge and starting to look for ingredients for the dinner. Something that they both would enjoy.

After an hour of preparation, he was finally finished and looked satisfyingly at the tray in front of him. He had put a big plate of beetroot risotto with feta and peas, and a bawl of fresh fruit salad with various colored fruits that were cut neatly into small pieces. He also made sure to put a new cup with his grandmother's herbal tea and the jug of orange juice with a glass. Everything looked nice and colorful on a big tray with a couple of red napkins and cutlery to use. After making sure he didn't forget anything, he made his way upstairs, taking a deep breath before entering the room. His gaze softened when he saw Maeve still laid curled up on the bed. Her breathing even and her hand gently placed over her belly as if protecting her unborn child from anything that will come their way. He quietly went further into the room, closing the door behind. Sitting on the edge of her bed Beckett leaned closer to her, inhaling a sweet lavender scent that made his head spin.

“Hey, wake up,” he whispered softly into her ear, brushing away a strand of her hair with a free hand, while the other was holding the tray firmly. His hand moving to her forearm, shaking her slightly. “You need to eat something,” he said, watching her stir in her sleep. She blinked in confusion as if trying to understand where she is before turning her head to the side, meeting Beckett's piercing gaze and their lips almost touching due to her movement. Both simultaneously feeling how their breaths hitched, and Maeve's eyes flew wide open.

“What are you doing here?” exclaimed Maeve, bolting up and almost knocking out the tray with a dinner from Beckett's hand. Her body tensing, and her eyes narrowed.

Tags:  

@fluffy-marshmallow-heart @annekebbphotography @thequeenofcronuts @symonde @lapisreviewsstuff @madampugzalot @emichelle @lilyofchoices @msjpuddleduck @feartheendlesssummer @catlady0911​ @the-soot-sprite​ @i-bloody-love-drake-walker​ @xxrainbow-princessxx​ @cordoniasmost​ @kingkassam​ @laragazzaconunsogno​ @desireepow-1986​ @choices-bound​ @choicesloversstuff​

#the elementalists #beckett harrington #beckett x mc #the elementalists fanfic #beckett harrington fanfic #beckett harrington fanfiction #cole harrington #choices fanfiction

[vronnica]

‹ ･ ｡ ☾  [ blackpink vc ] hey boys. soz for missing plotting hour and opening… my bf wanted a cheese and wine night, so y’all know i was knocked af for like 12+ hrs. but now i am back and ready for action ! HENNYWAYS,,, i’m acacia ( she/her ), i’m twenty years of age, and i hail from the pst timezone ! i love kpop ( specifically got7 and blackpink. however, my ult bias is vernon from seventeen. if you know, you know. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  ), milk tea, and mac and cheese. sooo sorry you’re all trapped in this rp w/ me. but y’all will learn to adore my 3am messages and casual spam on the dash. with that being said, under the cut you’ll find out more about my piece of shit baby angel, ronnie ! if you want ur muse to be friends with the stereotypical rich bitch. keep on readin bbs ;) psa: if you like this then you’re obligated to plot with me srry but i don’t make the rules. ( i’m jk please like this or i’ll cry. ) i’ll either slide in your IMs or you can contact me on discord @ mlilk#3162

jennie kim & cisfemale • hey, isn’t that veronica moon? she is that twenty-two year old that’s been living in conyers farm for twenty years. did you know her family is worth $18B? no wonder she is so ingenious & haughty. she is known around the estates as the aesthete, after all. 

                                Q U I C K   G U I D E   O F   V E R O N I C A

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                                    H E R   D A I L Y   R O U T I N E

in veronica’s dreams, she is the epitome of a morning person. in reality, she’s a two in the afternoon kind of person. however, her schedule does not allow her to do that. so she does everything possible to transform herself into a morning person. new white rays shine through the window as she lies in her queen sized bed. she lifts up the aqua colored silk eye mask and the warm ball of light filtered through her thin eyelids. it takes her a moment to adjust but eventually her eyes flutter open to reveal the exhaust in her chocolate brown hues. she extends her arm out to her bed side table, grabbing ahold of her phone. she clears out the notifications that do not automatically appeal to her and checks the ones that do. after five minutes of procrastinating, she finally slips out of bed.

ronnie trudges her feet against the hardwood floor, making her way over to her bathroom. with a flick of a switch, the bright light from the crystal chandelier fills up the room. she runs herself a bath. filling the tub with lavender and jasmine bath salts. her le soir silk night slip pools around her feet as she climbs into the warm water. she’s completely and utterly relaxed. the time passes too quickly and she’s back on her feet. she wraps the fluffy white towel around her small frame and walks into her closet. winter, her favorite time of the year. she picks out a classic veronica moon outfit. a light orange and black tartan patterned dress paired with her wool cashmere burberry coat. and with a single spritz of her chanel no.5 onto her chest, she’s ready for the day.

                                              B A C K S T O R Y

moon jisung, ( chairman and co-owner of urban place resorts / hotels ) met vanessa ross ( retired model, turned fashion designer ) back in 1995 at one of vanessa’s casting calls. that, of course, was being held at urban place’s gangnam location. it definitely was not love at first sight. vanessa’s serious aura made jisung think she was a lawyer. jisung’s spazzy persona had vanessa thinking, “ this man is the chairman ? ” their relationship remained business. until one day jisung accidentally texted the designer one letter, “ q. ” from there, the relationship blossomed.

october 29, 1996, veronica moon was born, the moon family was complete, and they’re absolutely perfect. two years after she was born, jisung and vanessa decided to make a permanent home in conyers farm. therefore, veronica grew up in a really nice household. nice cars, designer clothes, and every day was a vacation. she was constantly spoiled. always given whatever she wants, whenever she wants. and of course, she’s used to getting her way all the time. ultimately making her: bad and boujee. her family is loaded. ( duh every1′s is. ) and she’s always been surrounded by lots of love and luxury.

being the only child, ronnie never had any consequences. in school, she became sort of a bully. she was very ruthless and cold. she had that, “i’ll do anything to get where i need to be,” personality. and if it meant paying someone to transfer the other student threatening her valedictorian spot, then yes, of course she’d do that. people either hated her or loved her. there was no in between. she kept her clique small. ( yes, a clique, which indeed was very exclusive. invite only. think of regina george or blair waldorf. ) she ran her school and she liked to keep it that way. 

once she graduated she became more of an adult about things. but, old habits die hard. therefore, some of those traits she developed in school still linger with her til this day. just a little more filtered. ( truly, just a tad bit. ) she got accepted into almost every ivy league college. her mother gave her the option to just pass on college. her father on the other hand, encouraged her to go to school to have the major under her belt. ultimately, she decided to go to yale and major in art history. ( she chose yale because it was only a little over an hour away from conyers. ) though, now, most of her classes are being completed online.

present time: veronica is currently taking a semester off school to really think about what she wants to do after she graduates. at the moment, she spends a majority of her time working on her art. growing up she always had an artistic eye. vanessa ( being a fashion designer ) taught her all the techniques when it came to drawing for fashion. though eventually, veronica steered away from the clothing industry and found herself drawing more intricate works of art.

                                           P E R S O N A L I T Y

too long; didn’t read: an angel with a halo unbalanced with horns, not a devil but not a saint either ?? kind yet has a backbone. softer than what she seems like. humorous and witty though understanding. mistrusting but willing to let loyalty speak. wealthy but tries not to depend on her family. stays away from the king glitterati lifestyle and fronts as if she’s just a normal gal livin’ in conyers etcetc.

she has that tell it like it is personality. she just calls it likes she sees it. even if she’s not exactly right. she’s literally drowning in her riches. making her materialistic af. some people might think she’s that dumb bimbo rich bitch. but she’s actually very VERY smart. witty and intelligent to be exact. 

super particular when it comes to most things. ( high maintenance queen. ) she wants things done correctly. so she often runs by the quote, “ if you want things right you gotta do it yourself. ” she absolutely despises like relying on others to get things done when she knows she could do it faster and better. a little bit of a ocd queen. 

her instagram = her job. it’s filled with ootds, selfies, food pics. but most importantly: her art. it’s the platform she uses to show people she isn’t just a pretty rich girl. she has talent. ( *insert "the kardashian's have no talent" - proven wrong in 7 minutes vid.* ) 

she’s very dedicated to her work, thus making her very goal oriented. she’s very creative and she’s actually a very good artist. she’s one of those people that set their mind to something and goes through with it until the end. i’m sure she picked up doodling and bullet journaling while growing up. *plays boss ass bitch vine.*

too long; didn’t read pt. 2: she’s slowly growing out of her tough head of hair and morphing into a young woman so beautiful over the years, but also at times, terrifying ?? self destructive ?? even if she’ll never let anyone see her deteriorate her insides sigh. she’s a hot mess. but she tries her best to hide that shit. yeye sweg.

                                            R E L A T I O N S H I P S

FRIENDSHIPS: she has plenty of friends, at least in her head. in reality, she just knows a lot of people through her many connections. so she has many affiliations. but never real friends. she’s very particular with the people she associates herself with. she believes that those around you reflect who you are as a person as well. therefore, she only surrounds herself with the best of the best. she may not be the best person to tell your secrets too either because she’s quite the gossip queen. but she can probably persuade you to trust her. rip. however, if you are a close friend of her’s, she’s very loyal to those who are loyal to her. which means she’d never do you dirty. but that’s only if she really cares about you. she’s a really great listener and she’s willing to give advice to those are willing to take it. plus, she’s the type to spoil the people she loves. so expect the best christmas gifts ever if u rollin’ with her. 

honestly, she really does need to surround herself with good people with genuinely good intentions. so please, someone teach her what loyalty is. 

bonus points if they’ve been friends for awhile. displays loyalty.

ENEMIES: she was bully in high school. so you know this girl has more than enough enemies ( and haters. ) she uses people, she pushes people around, etc etc. like she has some very evil intentions. she’s vengeful and irrational. she puts fuel to drama and loves to see people crash and burn. why ? she wants that reassurance that she is flourishing above all. she never wants to be belittled and will do anything to remain on the very top. however,,, ronnie does have some good intentions. she leans more to the chaotic neutral side. ( maybe tilted a bit more towards evil, but still. ) deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeeep down the girl is trust issue central when it comes to letting people in. she can’t help it. she’s like that one rihanna meme, them: you can’t just cut people off. ronnie: *holds a pair of scissors* she doesn’t have problem with letting people go. so people think she’s a bitch because, “how could you just drop our five year long friendship like that.” and she’d just shrug. but really, she’s hurting beyond repair and will go home crying while eating a thing of ben & jerry’s chunky monkey.

there’s always that possibility where a friendship just didn’t work out. maybe they just stopped having time for each other and now it’s just mad awk. whatever it is, an enemy would b beaut.

veronica absolutely needs enemies. give her many. plenty. an abundance please.

LOVERS: i have a feeling she’s dabbled in the dating world. she’s had a few boyfriends, dates, etc. but most likely nothing LONG TERM. possibly because she doesn’t see the point unless it’s for marriage. just like her mom and dad. she has this [ beyoncé vc ] independent woman facade going on right now. which makes her seem like she doesn’t want anyone. but she’s secretly a hopeless romantic. this girl would love to be loved. and she truly needs it. she’s probably read tons of books about love and fluffy shit like that. it’d be a hard mission to win this girl over. but not impossible. she just has high expectations when it comes to relationships. so someone rlly needs to come here and treat this girl right. 

100% dabbles in the quick hook ups for the sake of fulfilling those needs. 

though, if the right person were to come along… she’d be loyal to them, completely devoted to just them.

CONGRATULATIONS ! you made it to end ! if you read all of this… i love you. i only ever write so much bc… it gets me in character lmao. also, i wrote all of this literally the moment i woke up so pls excuse any mistakes. i would really love to plot with everyone. so just slide into my IMs and we can get things started !! luv u *blows a kiss*

#trustfunds:intro #idk why i'm ALWAYS late to things #kill m e ;-)))

[weirdness-on-the-roof]

critical role episode 48 campaign 2 notes and funny lines post break edit:this has detailed notes on all the stuff that happened later in the episode including physical descriptions near the end. enjoy ya nerds

don’t steal the books from a high powered mage; don’t kill the dude; beau turning into cad; look at beau planning for the future

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is marisha flirting with matt via matt playing yasha and beau flirting with yasha?

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‘tea the international language’ but no earl grey

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wensworth the goblin

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coming from Cad ‘im a fine tea maker’ is kinda a threat tbh

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elf that isn’t white/European??? yay! also really old elves are cool

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beau and cad tag teaming a political chat with a mage this can’t end poorly

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Nott: :beau ruins every situation shes in and is very abrasive

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send the freaking cat!!! why not?? caleb my dude

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god i miss allura and gilmore currently

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fucking fuck don’t lie to the mage beau plz stop this is painful ‘you’re not wrong’ sure blame the ancient sea god

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‘on the verge of returning’ yea no duh you let him out 2/3 of the way so fjord could get a spell

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‘we found a thing’ so smooth and eloquent beau ‘it was presented to us as the happy fun time ball’

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‘butter fingers with magical items’

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beau getting a geography lesson from a very old powerful elven mage

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‘magical geometric orb that has the ability to bend time and space and fate’ which is kept in a hot pink magic bag that happened to ‘fall into [their] lap’

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‘if youre down im down is what im saying... i have a few slots open in my loyalty bank if you’re willing to pay rent’ says the 20 some human who punches things to the centuries old wizard ‘

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liam stress eating

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cad’s hope in the group is heartwarming

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tower metaphors and a conversation!!!

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caleb reading shitty romance novel and nott eating a fish outside a mage’s tower in the morning sunlight in a major city

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caleb takes the rear

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first name drop and a while

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holy shit 200 years of magic using

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cad explaining materialistic nature of the rest of the party to elf dude is hilarious

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teleportation circles?????? in return for access to the sphere!! oh shit thats good

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or candy

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crap. no one has insight checked this dude and they gave him the happy fun ball and made a deal kinda.

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‘how do we prove our loyalty?’ ‘by not fucking me over’ sounds like a good plan

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is this guy just caleb’s patron now on the low idk this is how my head works and he said learn

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“you have a geometric shape that makes babies?” “yea they talked about that”

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fjord just kills the dude

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‘i got banishment on hold just in case’ *cackling laughter*

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i agree with elf dude, him not knowing anything about the dodecha is more concerning than him knowing about it

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ALL THE CITIES FROM CR1 MENTIONED FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! I STILL MISS ALLURA AND GILMORE

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good to know the pink bag protects from divination on this plane but just this one

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jester and the traveler figurine

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cad included the Traveler in the ‘chaotic forces’ i still think the traveler is some kinda arch fey evil things idk its real late here and this is incoherent

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‘well, thats been my morning tea‘ 

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caleb getting additional tour

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good aesthetic for the room tbh

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letting weird people in for morning tea is entertainment is a mood and something i strive to be able to do without getting murdered one day

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so yasha and caleb both have gotten the ‘stay with friends’ chat from a powerful being which is nice. but also the ‘use who you need to’ going to caleb is vaguely concerning

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personalized biscuits [bourbon, cinnamon, lobster, fish and three unknowns]

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‘caleb, what happened in there?’

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cad not believing caleb’s bullshit and opening doors for caleb warms my heart

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‘if this isn’t the death of us, and if not hes a good ally. somethings gonna be the death of us so [yolo]’

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‘you can’t bullshit everyone in this world’

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cad talking about beau telling the truth: ‘you’re not very good at it but you tried

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jester looking out for nott and her home town

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caleb and beau being cute while also giving each other shit is the most sibling like thing

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omg going back to allfield that was so long ago for fucks sake BRYCE my person thank god

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jester had a boy band phase its cannon and i think the girls had a sleepover in jester’s old room. also marion never leaves the hotel. THE RUBY NECKLACE MY HEART AND THE HONEY AWWWWW

‘the army of men and women and inbetween that will do as i want them to’ god i adore her being protective of jester

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also the fact matt makes such a good mom why is he like this

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travel time!!!! ‘roll for initiative’-tal

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how does matt keep these notes so organized and remember all the npc names

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the ranger/beast master in Laura is coming out with nugget

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caleb is a devout cat person and jester is the definition of a dog person

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nott refining oil on a magical moving cart, while jester reads a romance novel and trains a dog,

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Dyren- Beau’s roommate at colbot souls; ‘taught beau lots of really cool things’ got sent to a warfront. shaved head, dark clothes, buff b/c ‘been workin out’, ‘do you love her?’ they had ‘good times’, then literal booty call, and dropping locations, Dyren was in Bladegarden. ‘fierce eyebrows, pointed nose’

                    OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES

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Vandren info drop to Fjord ‘he was making amends’

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Dyren responded and was hurt in Bladegarden but is safe. Beau looked immediately worried and happy about jester’s imput [’sounded way into you’]

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empire kids chat and caleb admitting insecurities about powerful people and being scared about the consequences of his actions and the group’s actions. caleb is scared about being forced to leave for safety and being ‘flayed alive’. my thoughts are he would leave if he became a threat to the others by being there or vise versa. trent would extort that b/c hes a dick

“caleb, unfortunately, you don’t get to choose who cares for you” you’re fucking correct Beau

“the problem with friends is that you have to care for them”

walks away “wow cool caleb! see- jester thinks you’re cool because shes your fucking friend!”

me too Tal “everything i like about those two characters in one conversation”

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5 years since Caleb left Trent and crew ie had a nervous breakdown

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gustav left town after being freed and trostenwald now has a WV accent that is too familiar

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100 extra soldiers in allfield. bryce is still up and kicking and wonderful. stuff ‘got this far east [quickly]’. the attacks came from underground apparently so fuck. the fields were burned, building destroyed a bit then they [Xhorhasians] left

“good thing is they’ve already been attacked so lightning doesn’t strike twice” oof thanks bryce

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beau just dead ass asking for illegal writing statements

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fjord having a thank u jesus bryce moment

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jester giving cad a pretty present is ‘so exciting’ and precious

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Cad not knowing cookbooks were a thing!!! and not being utterly literate enough to understand it

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wtf happened to liam’s voice in the ‘main export is oysters’ thing

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FELDERWEN!!!!!

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a dozen squads of 50 ppl each patrolling felderwen area so rippppp

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Nott knows where the halfing’s house is.... interesting... and is heavily drinking

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BLUE FLASH

elven woman in fine clothes of green and black ----lady vest durogna the arch mage of antiquity serboros assembly

a male figure in deep blue robes, older pale elf, fine clothes, the flash came from him----- martinette luden’th de____ arch mage of domestic protection

CALEB KNOWS THEM BOTH FROM THE ACADEMY AHHHHHH

he just lays flat and hides in the cart internally: ‘nopenopenopenope’

-------

several burned buildings, a warehouse, an inn, apothecary and several houses

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ohhhh shit the halfling was the owner of the apothecary and nott was looking for the shit she had been sending back this whole adventure....... im sad now that was confirmed

havent found a body of yeza

luke is yeza’s son at old edith’s house

            halflings only produce halflings according to something i read at some point but forget where sooooooooo

shattered vials and materials and house stuff

CHILDREN'S TOYS

locked basement which nott knows of?? Nott is anxious and impatient when the door doesn’t open. jester fails, yasha rages and at a 19 and doesn’t break the door. ‘it wasn’t [trapped]’ but dispel magic worked to open it.

a 15′x15′ room, tossed ‘not like you remember’ to nott, a 2x3 iron chest. a single chair in the center of the room. definitely a struggle with heavy impacts and blade scratched on wall

             nott was the torturer from the goblin tribe

chair was placed in the spot after the struggle

this was where he [yeza] kept chemicals according to nott

poisoned iron locked box (dull black glass)  inside a retractable silver tripod to hold something atop it, 3 empty vials 1 full one with a liquid/gas fog like dull colored thing, a pile of destroyed notes [two pieces of still legible paper which have props]

            dunamous field, causes ppl slow to be slower or faster, ‘captured crin operatives’ dunaments and dunamacy, origon gliffs, exist outside established schools of magic, theory in deeply rooted in arcana taken for granted, rooted in _____ town, 12-16 months to refine, word has found me that trent’s kiddos have knacks for this things, dreams are thrilling

well shittttt

            crin on battle fields, ‘breaking fields of fate, fuck the raven queen

SHIIIIIT

a piece of dunemous

dodecha goes in tripod according to beau

chair facing chest

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cricks did this apparently

a little under 100 crowns guard killed, 4 civilians burned

soldiers just ‘slowed down’ 

left via tunnels and collapsed them behind them

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nott dont be a bitch and don’t get mad at caleb and call them ‘his people’

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cad picks up caleb and ‘youre not at fault here, youre the solution here. don’t let her anger... its not about you’

my HEART

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the chest is too big for the haver sack but fits in lorenzo’s bag of holding

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people have entered and exited since the attack and left the chair and stuff

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lots ‘o chairs

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nott needs to see ledith and uke (?) and not flip the fuck out

‘humble hobble’

nott looked like halfling plump face, braids, tan skin

edith- human older, grey hair, beady eyes, ever present smile like face

          LUKE IS HER SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CANNON

         *edit- rewatching this and seeing ever one’s faces “wheres my son?!” particularly laura/liam/travis just hurt. liam just looked up after a second and travis did his face he does and laura just stiffened and eyes and hand to face. caleb/liam who knows just hugs himself the rest of the convo. marisha is note taking and fuck the video off now

about 5 yrs old, blue eyes, tan/light brown skin, halfling

gave him the doll of the king

IM GONNA CRY NOW BYE

‘HES PROABLY DEAD NOW TOO LIKE I THOUGHT YOU WER’

yenza locks him away when ‘the mean lady comes by’

mean lady has pointy ears and comes often, luke was kept in room, luke was pushed out of the house and told to go somewhere safe so he ran to edith’s house and ‘everything was on fire’

‘im not strong enough to come back yet but know that [im stll thinking of you and i send things] and i hope dad sends them to you.“ fuck my heart

“in my heart i think he is” “well don’t die”

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the elves are gong to the ruins of yenza’s house

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marisha looked so betrayed

tal ‘i was waiting for the riegel shoe to drop’

WOW

HEY CALEB- WOOOW

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we’ll pick up hiiiere

fuck you sam and matt and everything abou this my heart is just FUCKKK

ummm so enjoy the frantic poorly taken notes <3

#critical role spoilers #spoilers #lore drop #ohh shit #fuck you sam #not okay in the slightest why are you like this #i dont have words at this point

[landofsomethingsomething]

It’s so god damn easy to tear people down. People do it every day. It’s simple, it’s satisfying, it’s cathartic, it feels like balm to people who have been wronged, to people who have suffered, to people who have to live their lives outside this virtual space in fear and in real danger, in abusive households and abusive communities and situations that do not foster kindness, empathy, or the extension of good faith toward strangers. Being able to lash out safely from behind a screen at people that are safe to lash out at and who feel like a source of your continuing oppression -- that’s novel, at first. It’s invigorating. It’s freeing. The ability to be angry, to say angry things, to express your hurt and rage at any number of nameless or unnamable things is so fucking seductive it’s no wonder so many lgbt+ people have spent time in that place, have had periods of their lives where they engaged in this behavior and said what they wanted and lashed out without thought and allowed others so similar to them to enable their behavior. 

It’s so easy to find lgbt+ people who are in pain. To take these people who are in pain and to give them targets. To mold young people and your peers and take advantage of their trauma (so like your own!) and whip it up, normalize it within your group, foster it on any number of available platforms. Focus it on whoever you deem deserving at any given time. Actions speak louder than words. Context is irrelevant. Dialogue is weak. Abusers are abusers are abusers, except when you’re the abuser, because the abuse you have suffered justifies your actions. Your abuse makes you relatable. Your abuse is more important, more valid, more meaningful, more deserving of the care and empathy of others regardless of your coping mechanisms. 

It’s so damn fucking easy to just say whatever you want on the internet. It’s so easy to paint a group with whatever paintbrush you like, because no one fact checks, no one cares about context, no one concerns themselves with nuance, no one views the words on the screen in front of them as coming from another human being with an entirely separate lived history full of its own tragedy and triumph and biases and triggers and needs and understanding and hard fucking learned lessons. 

We separate into teams and look for ways to score points against the other side. We make ourselves willfully ignorant so we don’t have to switch sides, or even better, remove ourselves from the game entirely. We busy ourselves with tearing our enemies down with unattainable standards, ignore our own hypocrisy, and look to our side to tell us we’re right, we’re right, this time we are right and we will not be silenced and we will not be bullied and we will not let them win. 

Our actual abusers don’t see any of it. They don’t care. They go on living their lives. We take our rage and our pain and our frustration out in arenas we understand, in the places we feel safe, and the people we lash out at are the people who should be our friends, our allies, our brothers and sisters and nonbinary siblings who have suffered so much in a world that denies our sexuality, denies our gender, denies our expression, denies our right to exist. 

We know our abusers won’t listen. We know our pain is nothing to them, a drop in a bucket. So we hurt the people that can’t help but listen, because our stories are so alike. 

I went through an angry phase. I spent a few years screaming at people I felt deserved it, too. Some of them did and some of them didn’t, and doing so brought me short term satisfaction and a deep sense of power that I had not experienced anywhere else. A deep resonance with my own identity that I was powerless to exhibit anywhere in my real life, because family is complicated, friends are the choir and speaking up about microaggressions at work gets queer people fucking fired every fucking day, and you need that god damn money to eat. to live. to pay for your fucking brain pills. 

So. 

When you have a platform and a fandom and you feel that thrill of being heard, finally -- I get it. 

But here’s the thing. 

Your abuse never justifies levying abuse on others, strangers, people whose context you do not know and whose stories you have not heard. 

Your emotions are valid. You are free to feel however you like. If you need to vent in private, among friends and colleagues and people you feel safe with, by all means. 

Your favorite characters and your favorite ships and your favorite relationships and your fanfiction and your fanart may be how you express yourself or vent or cope. Your Shit means different things to different people, and to some, it means nothing at all. Let it fucking go. Your shit is not the bar of lived experience other people in fandom must meet to be considered sufficiently oppressed to spare them your bullying. 

Your trigger and your context and your trauma is your own. It does not belong to anyone else. It is your responsibility to understand your limits and respect the rights of other creators, just as it is the responsibility of creators to properly tag and label their work to spare those whom it might upset the indignity of reliving their trauma within a space that is supposed to be safe for them. A space that for some may be the only safe space they have. A space that for some may be the only escape available to them. A space that, for some, may be the only way they can begin to express themselves, furtively, in stolen moments in an oppressive environment. 

Fandom is where so many of us found ourselves. It’s full of us, lgbt+ people in various life stages, expressing ourselves in communities dedicated to content that made us feel enough to find ourselves here in the first place. It’s where children currently are discovering labels for feelings they have never had the words to talk about before. It’s where adults go in the midst of their busy lives to contribute to a body of work motivated by nothing but emotion for the source, for the community, and/or for the hope of encouraging feedback from their peers, their fans, their heroes, all three. It’s where everyone goes and discovers there are people out there just like them, after all. 

It’s where people are picking their teams and suiting up and getting in line and hurting people just like them, every day. 

It’s where people are putting the feelings and wellbeing and sanctity and rights of fictional characters over those of actual human beings who committed the grave sin of enjoying a thing a different way, or for different reasons.

Fandom is full of amazing connection and moments I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wouldn’t be married to my amazing wife right now without it. But it’s also a battlefield in a bubble where I watch oppressed people tear each other apart every single day, while of course, in the meantime, outside the filmy fucking boundary between this world and the real one, the same privileged sorts continue to dominate every aspect of mainstream media, the white house is full of incompetent, hateful people, some of whom are literal nazis, white nationalists feel safe enough to wear swastikas on public transit in liberal epicenters, gay men in russia are being sent to death camps, the police are murdering people of color indiscriminately without fear of personal or professional consequence, the supreme court is one death or retirement away from setting back civil rights in the united states a century, trans people have to watch a nation of frightened pissbabies scream about the sanctity of public bathrooms while they themselves suffer from an increased rate of being literally fucking murdered simply for existing, gay teenagers ostracized from conservative families sleep homeless in the street with winter fast approaching, hurricanes devastate a dozen nations because this century has paved a political landscape where corporate profits prevail over basic human rights  -- and you know what, fuck it, let’s make it a little personal -- 

half my family has never acknowledged the fact that I have been married for a year because they don’t believe it is a legitimate marriage because I and my wife are both women, my wife and I went to the hairdresser the other day and when we checked in with the same last name we were asked if we were sisters (and upon clarifying, the woman who was to cut our hair loudly and incredulously gasped, “is that legal here?”), one of my best friends, a woman I have known since high school (that’s 17 years ago, for those keeping count) was told she would have to undergo a thorough and lengthy process via working with HR, her boss and the owner of her company before she could represent herself as her correct gender at work - and even after she jumped through all those hoops, she was told she was absolutely not allowed to use the women’s restroom under any circumstances - When I told my father about my engagement, he tearfully turned to me and said “but you’re supposed to marry a guy, and have babies” - and because this was my father, who I have always had a good relationship with despite remaining closeted most of my life, who I have always and still deeply love despite the shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes, who worked 12 hour days in construction to support me after divorcing my mother when he was nineteen years old - I actually fucking felt guilty. 

The memory of how I felt in that moment will follow me until I fucking die, and when I log on to this website at the end of the day and just want to fucking relax and spend time yammering about things I like with people who like those same things, when I just want to spend time in this space that makes me feel good, when I just want to create content for the joy of creating it and the joy of seeing others enjoy the thing I created -- the fucking last thing I want is to see myself, my wife, my close friends and fandom friends alike being put on blast by petty people leveraging a nebulous, ever-changing definition of purity, backed by a group of people I know have suffered and hurt and feel justified hurting others because of it. 

Fandom is where we go to escape the hellish fucking bullshit that is reality, for fuck’s sake.

I don’t fucking care who hurt you. Visiting pain upon others in the aftermath is your choice. Bullying others because a group of impressionable, hurting people looking for a leader will follow you into the trenches here on a battlefield where we should all fucking know better is your choice. 

Your feelings aren’t always your choice. That’s fair.

The way you choose to express and react to and process and deal with those feelings IS your choice.

Your actions are your choice.

So try to be kind. Try to be empathetic. Understand your feelings and understand when you are being manipulated and for god’s sake, when other queer people come out in droves to tell their stories, try to think critically, even if they are on the other “team.” Block content that upsets you. Use tools available to you to keep yourself safe! Blacklist tags. Blacklist URLs. Block people. Be frank about your triggers if you are able and try to give people the benefit of the doubt -- and if you can’t, put space between you and them, and then use the myriad of tools available to you to put a wall in that space. 

I know all about the kind of catharsis that comes from being a “mean gay.” I know all about constructing a set of rules within a group and then judging others outside that group by that context and punishing them when they fail purity tests they knew nothing about. I know all about fighting disrespect with disrespect and anger with anger and logging out at the end of the day to go cry -- not because I was sad, but because I was so fucking angry I couldn’t process the emotion any other way. 

I also know all about walking away from that life, that toxicity. I know about taking a break. I know about reading, a lot, for months and years, about experiences both like and very much unlike my own. I know about resolving to be better. I know about cutting out the people who made me worse, and keeping the people who encouraged me to be better. 

I know how much my life improved when I endeavored to keep my venting and negativity among friends who could actually support me, in places where I couldn’t hurt anyone, and present a positive force to the public, instead. To lift up the things I like and to block and move on with the things I don’t. To let creators have their space and their platform here in this one place where we can each carve out some small part for ourselves and feel like we are in control for once in our fucking lives. I know I stopped crying so much. I know my hobbies stopped making me so angry, all the time. I know that the only times I have been truly, deeply upset in my time in this fandom have been when I have been targeted or those I care about have been targeted. 

I know how fucking hard it is to tear yourself away. 

I know how fucking worth it it is. 

Take care of yourselves. 

#text #personal #fuck antis #fuck purity culture #fuck gatekeeping #fandom is for everyone #the fights that matter are out beyond this fucking bubble #but we just cant help ourselves #and while were busy tearing each other apart #the backlash against the gains weve made threaten the lives and livelihoods of real people #we have too far to go to make ourselves and others feel so fucking awful every day for the sake of fictional characters #for gods fucking sake

[dmtrtyping]

here i am again. tomorrow is officially the last day of 2020. this grueling year is finally coming to an end. does it mean that we’ll start the new year with a fresh start ? i hope so. although i have to be completely honest, it hasn’t really settled in me yet that 2021 basically starts this friday. 

i’m somewhat floating in this space where time and reality does not exist. some part of me believes that it’s because i am overwhelmed with the year coming to an end and yet there are so many things i haven’t done or finished. it’s also probably because of the amount of school work i have these days and the fact that i have literal classes on a saturday, on the 2nd of january ??? baffling i know. 

but well, this is the literal implication of life goes on. there are classes i have to attend, assignments to submit, the pandemic is showing no signs of stopping anytime soon, and people are still careless and stupid enough to hangout without masks, you know, the usual thing. nothing out of the ordinary for this new year moment.

now before i get in too deep into my rants about how much thing i have to do while i’m here basically finding excuses to procrastinate and avoid doing the actual work that i needed to do- what was it that i wanted to talk about ?

ah, yes.

something about the past 12 months and my wishes for the upcoming ones. 

2020 has been tough. we all know that, we all felt it. we had so many losses, from friends, to families, to loved ones. some might even lose their jobs from the worsening economics. some their houses, their belongings, and some probably lost their passion or positivity.  

i’m not going to sugarcoat things and say that at least there are things that we could be thankful for. because for some, there’s just nothing to be thankful or grateful for. and it’s okay to feel that way. it’s okay to feel sadness, anger and to give up on certain things that you need to let go. 

we know that every decision comes with consequences, every action comes with an aftermath. if you want to keep dwelling in what you loss, knowing what it’s going to do to you in the future, go on, it is your life. but if you want to make a change, if you want to rise up and you might need some help, don’t hesitate to ask the people you trust. 

life is about making choices. it doesn’t necessarily have to be right, because even the wrong choices are great for a learning process. make a choice, and face the consequences. know that it is not failure until you give up, otherwise it’s just a learning process. 

so with those battle scars from 2020, the ones that tore you down, and broke you apart, the ones that made you a stronger person, start your 2021 with confidence and passion. the year might broke you, but you pulled yourself out of it, and you are now stronger and better than that person you were at the beginning of 2020. 

the year truly gave me a lot of things to think about when the nights couldn’t lull me to sleep. things i’ve achieved, goals i’ve yet to achieve, things i’ve lost, memories worth holding onto, and lessons i’ve learned. from the rivers staining my pillow, to the series of laughter hurting my facial muscles. from the infinite happiness found in simple things, to the process of becoming a better human being. 

of course as a human being, i too make mistakes. i hoped i had apologized and fixed all of them, so i won’t have to take this year’s mistakes into the new year. to everyone i had offended, to anyone i had hurt, please accept my apology for hurting or offending you. i will make sure to learn my lessons and not make the same mistakes twice. 

and a short message to myself before stepping into the new year, please be strong. the year has a lot in store for you. so many significant events will take place. so many challenges awaits to be conquered. so much room for you to grow wiser. please believe in yourself, be strong, and never back down because each day you are one step closer towards your dreams. every small step is a progress, never be discouraged. you can do this, six year old you is proud that you’ve hold on so far. 

still, i would like to express my gratitude that i still get to be healthy, that my family is doing well, that they are safe and healthy. and even if we’re currently seeing our worst days, we are lucky for still getting by. i couldn’t really ask for anything else in regards to the current situation we’re in.

and of course to all the healthcare workers and everyone who has dedicated their time and effort, saving lives during the pandemic. to all the fallen angels, sacrificing not only their time but also their lives for the safety and well-being of others. you are a hero, the greatest one the world has ever seen, and we would never be able to thank you enough for what you've done.

dear 2020 whom we have a love-hate relationship with, 

thank you for the lessons and memories, i hate you for being such a mean year to us all, please become a history that will never repeats itself ever again.

dear 2021 whom we are hopeful for and yet scared of,

please treat us well, because we all desperately need a break from the year-long joke that is the year 2020. although if you turn out like how 2020 did, we would definitely be disappointed but not surprised. like i said, we are hopeful, but at the same time we are tired of hoping because we don’t know what to expect anymore.

sincerely, 

someone who has a shit ton of things to do, but decided that for sentimentality sake, writing this is a priority. 

dmtr.

[nickgossett]

Almost a Man...

Well my son you are 12 years old today …. You are venturing into uncharted waters, you are slowly creeping into MANHOOD. I think it’s time to finally give you a real dose of reality...

You may not want to hear this, but the truth is life’s about to get hard…. You are about to be considered a mini adult, you are going to have more responsibilities that suck, and take up more of your Xbox time. You are about to actually see and understand how your actions have real consequences, plus your balls are going to get hairy and they are going to drop and your voice is going to start to become more like Barry White and less like Barry Manilow. Believe it or not…. You are nearly officially a man.

The truth is you have always been a pretty good kid, not an angel by any means, but you have always been kind hearted, very smart and we have never been called to the principal’s office for you. You have always just accepted people for who they are, you hold the door for old people, the disabled, and for the ladies. You always show respect to any adults. 

But the reality is that shit’s about to get real, you are going to learn that people can be total assholes, your friends are going show you they can be total assholes and when you start working in a couple of years you are going to work with a few assholes. You’re going to learn some serious life lessons pretty quickly. I promise you that it’s going to suck donkey balls but you will get through and you will survive.

You’ll totally survive, you are far more stronger than you believe you are. Much wiser than I ever was at your age, your mom and I couldn’t be any more proud of who you’ve become so far. I sincerely hope your next journey is going to be as smooth sailing as your last 11, because let’s be honest, you have it pretty damn good son….

Unfortunately, I know that things are going to change, you are going to start becoming  a real little man. You are going to get full of testosterone, you are going to start to let your friends make you believe you are the shit, and everyone else is the smell…. and you are going to be filled with rage and aggression against the world and everyone who’s “against you”.  We know from Yoda that anger is the path to the Dark Side, right? Just like Anakin and his hatred of sand, it can be your undoing. Always remember what I tell you….Every choice you make has consequences, good and bad….

Always keep your chin high and be proud of who are and what you accomplish. Believe in yourself and go follow those big dreams you have set out to do. Just don’t be a dick. No one ever likes a dick, they will pretend that they do but really, they just want them to go away and then they talk shit about them after they leave…. don’t be that person….And don’t always try to prove you are the smartest person in the room. It’s ok if you are, but no one likes a dick for continuously pointing it out.

The reason I’m so hard on you because I want you to always be a man that knows right from wrong;  a man who still does the right thing when it’s the hardest thing to do sometimes…. A man that’s strong deep in his soul,  but so, so kind in his heart….. a man that is hard and tough as fuck when the need comes, but that is also a voice of reason who still protects those not as strong as himself or those who may be weak. I’m raising you so that you can always stand on your own two feet. I want you to know right now that you are going to stumble, you are going to make a bunch of mistakes….But I also want you to know that mistakes are good, you learn just as much from them, sometimes even more, than you will your successes…. That is what life is son. Constantly learning how to be the best version of yourself that you can be….Period.

Make no mistake, life is going to get hard, you are going to lose loved ones, some of them unexpected. That’s God’s way of showing us that we are never in control, our time here is limited so we must be grateful for every day we are here and make these days count. I want you to feel every emotion, experience every hurt, dive into love, drown in the pain, crawl through the healing, I want all of it this for you son. Because that’s called living my man…. And that’s what I want for you. I want you to be your own person, to know what to waste your anger, time and tears on, and to be strong enough to “suck it up buttercup” and get back to it. Nobody is going to go get it and bring it to you…You got to wipe those tears, dust yourself off and go get whatever it is you want.

I want you to experience love like your mother and I share, a love like no other, and learn that together you and your woman are a team, you both are in lock step moving in the same direction, sharing the same dreams, striving for the same goals….together. Neither one better than the other, no gender equality bullshit, just two people in love working together to live their best life son. That’s what I hope for you. When you do eventually find that special girlfriend…Support  each other in your dreams, encourage each other in everything, and above all you respect each other. There are going to be girls that will break your heart in a million pieces, there will be girls who will absolutely disappoint you…. And you’ll still believe you love them….and maybe you will…. But son I say to you, you must protect your heart you must know when to walk away from the rain so that you can enjoy the fireworks.

Speaking of women….You treat them with respect at all times. You will be around other boys who may find it cool to discuss other girls in “locker room” ways and have tons of peer pressure to brag or boast about your girlfriend, or say mean shit about other girls….Don’t do that shit man….Life is hard enough for girls man and that shit is not cool at all….Always keep in your mind, would I want some guy saying this shit about my mom, or your cousins, or if you had a daughter…Would you want some guys talking about them that way? Some women still hold scars on their hearts from some nasty shit that guys said “to the boys” that the boys could not wait to go use to their advantage, which is another lesson….Your “boys” most of them, will fuck you over in a minute and step all over you to get whatever it is they want at that time. Girls….a spot on the sports team…a lead in the school play…Whatever…But especially girls. Guys will fuck up a lifelong friendship for one night of fun with a girl. It’s stupid…

I love to see you interested in travelling, seeing the world. You have really been getting out of your comfort zone. You have been trying more foods, and watching things on tv about different cultures and places. I hope you get to see every inch of this world we live in. Those experiences will help to ensure that you remain humble. It will also encourage you to always give back when you can, whether that be time or money. It helps maintain balance in your life, it keeps you grounded and grateful. You will need that balance when you are older. In an instant your life will become complicated, crazy and ever consuming. Perhaps most importantly though, you will learn that big expensive materialistic things don’t matter, and you can never find your happiness in them. You want to make memories, share in life experiences, your family and real friend.... that is what you find happiness in….And Disney….You’ll always be happy at Disney...

Try every job you can, play every sport you can learn, You sometimes get lazy with this and just assume you won’t like it or that “it’s too much work”….But you really should try everything at least once, you never know what may spark an interest in something that could be something you enjoy for the rest of your life. You should always try to be active a little each day doing SOMETHING, trust me you’ll thank me later. Staying active is good for your body, and it’s good for your mind.

I always want you to stand up for what you believe in, and do not let anyone silence you. Do not let others influence or persuade you that you should feel or believe a certain way. You do your own research, learn your own facts and form your own opinion. Don’t let anyone form it for you. Be a wolf…Not a sheep. You will soon learn that people love to gossip, people love drama, but you do your best to stay as far away from that bullshit as you can. I mean it’s ok to talk shit to each other as friends and family…I mean your uncle Nyles and I take serious shots at each other. However, we both know it’s all in love and it’s not meant or said to be hurtful. Never ever say something that may potentially ruin someone’s day, or even worse, their life….And No matter how cool and funny people think it is….Don’t be a fucking troll....Don’t be one online, not on Xbox, not anywhere…Its just fucking stupid….You will  likely just end up in trouble and it’s just another form of bullying. It goes back to not being a dick…Jokes are one thing…But trying to intentionally hurt another person’s feelings? You should be stopping people from doing that.

You just keep being you son...Keep working hard...Keep learning...Adn always try to do the right thing...You’ll do ok kid...

Happy 12th Birthday!!! You are becoming a little man and you are killing it buddy, and your mom and I are so proud of you!! Love you to the moon and back!

Mom and Dad

[jennawynn]

They Can’t Kill Us All: Ferguson, Baltimore, and a New Era in America’s Racial Justice Movement by Wesley Lowery

Chapter 2: Cleveland: Coming Home

Antonio French. Another name I recall from Twitter. The St. Louis alderman.

I still just... there are no words. That a trained fucking police officer, sworn to protect and serve, just rolls up on a 12 year old kid and shoots him within 2 seconds. Two fucking seconds. That’s not long enough to think about shit. How much of that two seconds was spent pulling his gun from his holster? Releasing the safety? Chambering a round? Or was all that already ready to go and he was just looking for a target?

“A former supervisor, in a November 2012 note, made it clear he would not recommend that Loehmann, the son of a police officer, be given a badge and a gun, going on to say that the officer could not be trusted to follow simple instructions from commanding officers.”

“The talk” that most Black boys are given, keep your hands visible, say yes sir/yes ma’am, move slowly, NEVER RUN. It’s like we teach Black kids to treat cops like wild animals who might attack at any second instead of teaching cops to act with some fucking empathy.

Zimmerman man... so for those of you new to following me, you gotta realize how recently I’ve had my eyes opened. I was one of those “color blind” low-key racist people who never really cared enough to really think about other people’s struggles. Personal failings, moral deficiencies, lack of effort, etc. I was raised Republican. I had a Tea Party twitter account. I voted for Romney, that’s how recent this is. I also sided with Zimmerman. I didn’t bother looking too deep into things. I had my own life to think about. He must have Done Something to deserve being shot. It’s not GZ’s fault for following him or going all vigilante. Sometimes I just can’t believe how ignorant and callous I was when I thought I was just being ‘smart.’ 

Gingrich uses the term “lynch mob” to describe people after Zimmerman’s head as though they weren’t a tool used to kill Black men for centuries. 

The origin of the phrase Black Lives Matter... a facebook status by Alicia Garza, extracted by Patrisse Cullors, and set up on Tumblr and Twitter by Opal Tometi. Who run the world? *queer Black women* all three of them. “As queer Black women, we are often misremembered as contributors and creators of our work, a consequence of deep-seated patriarchy, sexism, and homophobia.” -Cullors.

And these people... like the one who created the Sea of Blue rally... “Are there some things that need to be changed in law enforcement? Maybe. But it’s important that our officers know they have their community’s support.” ffs Mary Jo, it’s not *maybe*. Corruption in the police force is such a common thing practically every cop show on tv talks about it! There’s DEFINITELY things that need to be changed, and saying they need to be changed does not mean you hate every single cop and think they should be killed. You can critique the bad and still understand that they do perform a necessary service to a large society. We don’t need to be putting them on a pedestal where they aren’t held accountable for their actions. We don’t need to be worshiping them for doing their damn jobs.

Take this guy, Michael Brelo... “emptied two separate sixteen-bullet clips and reloaded a third time before leaping onto the hood of the vehicle and firing bullets through the windshield and into Russell’s and Williams’s bodies. Both victims, it turned out, were unarmed. They had never fired the alleged gunshot that prompted the chase. Their car had backfired.” What kind of wanna-be hero bullshit is that? For one thing, go fix your aim, buddy. For another, jumping on the hood of the car?? WHY? 137 bullets fired in all. Brelo was charged, but since they couldn’t prove the bullets that killed them were his, he was let off. What. The. Fuck.

Cleveland is 53% Black, their police force is 25%. And then they ruled that you don’t have to live in the city to be a cop there. Why would you not want your cops to come from the city they serve? The only reason to do that is to limit empathy- that’s what they did in the Navy when you got promoted to Chief. They’d move you to a different command so you could better “command” your subordinates without those pesky old friendships getting in the way. If you want empathetic cops who can show up at a scene and not immediately pull their guns, maybe being neighbors with them would help.

MLK Day 2015 turn this day of reflection into a day of disruption. I attended a rally in 2017 for reclaiming MLK here in Vegas. I hope he’d be proud to still be marching in name if not in body, even if angry that equality is still out of reach.

So many good lines in here.... Having a black president didn’t keep the police from killing Mike Brown. I voted for Barack Obama twice and still got teargassed. A seat at the table isn’t worth much if your fellow diners still refuse to pass you a plate.

The announcement that Tamir Rice’s killer would have no charges came between Thanksgiving and Christmas when the possibility of snow might quell protests... and that’s what happened.

Then the video with Tamir’s sister trying to run to her ‘hurt’ brother being tackled by the cops.  Ugh.

Hey... Shaun King. I know that guy. Not like personally, but I follow him on FB and Twitter and newsletter and... wow they really went after him, didn’t they.

and Feminista Jones. Who doesn’t know her? 

Sigh... this shit man...

#pbw #wynn reads #wynn reads they can't kill us all #raging about

[licieoic]

13 Reasons Why

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why.

I’ve seen reactions of people who have also watched. Some think the series glamorizes suicide and the idea of revenge. Those people completely missed the point. Some people say they hate Hannah, the main character, because she was all drama, because she said nothing about Jessica’s rape, because she froze during her own rape, because she couldn’t tell someone about it afterward. And they missed the point too.

Here’s what I have to say, as someone who was bullied mercilessly, who wanted to die at the age of 12, who tried to commit suicide and failed, whose school did nothing to help. I’m about to talk about some of my most inner, painful thoughts. If you’d rather not know that much about me, I understand, just scroll on.

First, I want to address the show itself. It’s really well made. The lighting design alone and what it did to convey tone and present vs flashback, it was incredible. The costumes also told a story about each character and their  personalities and that can be hard to do in a cast so large. Makeup was hit and miss, I’m sorry to say. For the most part, it was good, but Clay’s forehead wound sometimes was a completely different color than his skin. Perhaps they were trying to show yellow bruising as it healed, but it didn’t always look natural, it looked like a bad prosthetic on his head and it was pretty jarring and tended to pull focus in some scenes. However, that’s pretty much the only bad thing I have to say about this series.

Second, if you have not seen the show and you are a victim of abuse, consider carefully if you are in the right mindset to watch, because it will probably trigger you. It is graphic. Extremely so. They don’t shy away from anything in this series and they did that on purpose. They wanted to show how terrible it really is, how it isn’t an easy thing to kill yourself and how brutal rape is and how nasty people can be. It’s hard to watch, it’s painful, possibly vomit-inducing. It absolutely places you in the mindset of the victims, they show you how it feels to be torn down until you have nothing left, what depression feels like and the symptoms. I’m 34 years old and this show made me feel 12 again. It brought back everything I felt back then and when you have depression, like I do, that can be a dangerous mind space to be in. So be careful if you watch.

That being said, I think everyone should watch (if they feel healthy enough to do so). I think it is so important for people to learn that their actions have devastating consequences. To learn that consent is necessary and expected and at any time may be revoked. That bullying, even when you think it’s funny and doesn’t mean anything, can destroy someone. It has impact.

To the people who thought suicide was glamorized: Did we even watch the same show? That scene in the bathtub was BRUTAL. There wasn’t anything glamorous about it, all I could think of was how much it probably hurt like hell, how she slowly lost the ability to move as she got more and more freezing. It didn’t make me think it was easy or somehow ‘worth it,’ it made me think about how close I had been to ending my own life and how devastated she had to be in order to fully go through with it. See, the only reason why I’m alive now is because when I went to cut my wrists I grabbed a kitchen knife so dull it wouldn’t even go through chicken meat, let alone my skin. And I felt like such a failure, for not even being able to kill myself, that I had to be so stupid that I couldn’t even cut myself, I put the knife away and went to my room to cry. The dull knife and my innate sense of failure saved my life. Hannah had the determination to go through with it because she couldn’t handle anything else. I also appreciated the inclusion of Skye, because I turned into a cutter too. When she said, in reference to her scars, “it’s what you do instead of killing yourself” I felt that so hard. Because it’s true. It was the only way I had to externalize an internal pain and sometimes I still have to fight the urge to do it, on days when my pain is greater than the coping skills my anti-depressants give me. So no, it wasn’t glamorized. What they showed was the flat, stark truth.

To the people who thought Hannah was just a drama queen and blew things out of proportion and she should have gotten over it: FUCK YOU. You’ve obviously never faced being humiliated, being objectified, being reduced to a thing rather than a person with feelings. You may have even participated in bullying in the past and want to justify your own behavior, even if it’s just to yourself. Because people do that, they justify their own actions every day so they won’t feel guilty. My extended family does it. Everyone I went to school with probably did it, because out of everyone who bullied me, only one girl ever apologized. One. She didn’t offer to be my friend afterward, because that would get her bullied too, but she apologized.

Did you see how Hannah went limp, how the light left her eyes? How she said after the rape she already felt dead? How can you talk about that experience afterward? How can you relive that, knowing how deep Hannah was by that point? Knowing that she was going to have to face him, no matter what she said or didn’t say? Can you really think it would have been easy to name her abuser? If you’ve never been in that horrible situation, then I’ll tell you - it isn’t easy. In fact, it’s damn near impossible. You NEVER forget. And all you want is to forget. And you can’t. It’s with you, it’s ON you, it’s under your skin every single moment. And you learn to hate yourself, because it’s inside you. Some people never develop the ability to distance themselves from it, to learn that they are so much more, because it’s hard. It’s fucking hard. And one of the things you have to do in order to start healing is to talk about it. And it’s so hard, because you feel like if you talk about it, it’s just going to be worse. That it will carve itself into your skin with every word. That talking will make it more real, rather than help you put distance between it and yourself. That’s what victims have to learn. And learning that is SO much harder than everyone working ahead of time to prevent the situation in the first place.

People don’t realize how their words have impact. They say “Can’t you take a joke?” “Get over it” “Drama queen” “Don’t stir up shit” “It means they’re jealous” “It means he likes you” “It doesn’t mean anything” “You’ll be fine.” It’s bullshit. All of that shit needs to stop. Never EVER normalize bullying. Because all you’re saying is that you don’t care as long as you don’t have to change your behavior, disturb your routine, get your hands dirty.

My mother told my principal that her daughter, her 12 year old daughter, wanted to kill herself. He said “Oh, she’ll be fine.” This happens in every school. Teachers won’t get their hands dirty until they absolutely have to. They did nothing until my mom used the buzzwords “sexual harassment.” Then they were required to address it. How messed up is that? One kid wants to kill herself merits no action whatsoever, but sexual harassment charges? That’s different. Now ask yourself... why? By the way, by the time this happened, I had already tried and failed to kill myself, so the damage was already done. I already felt like I was worthless and should die.

I was a tattle teller, a rat, a snitch, a cry baby. That was what I had to deal with afterward. Because a couple of boys got spoken to by the principal and their parents. There were no real consequences. It didn’t stop the bullying. It just changed the face of it. They stopped making fun of me to my face, in fact, they pretended I wasn’t there and made fun of me to each other, making each other laugh at my expense. They stopped trying to make me cry and treated me like I was invisible. That I didn’t matter at all, because it only counted as bullying if they said it right to me. I was the bad one because I spoke up and now I was alone. That’s even more dangerous for someone clinically depressed.

So if Hannah’s actions seem extreme, it’s probably because you’ve never faced depression in it’s most concentrated form. To me, her actions seem completely valid, because I’ve been there. I have been exactly there.

I’m not condoning the actions, I’m not saying they are the right solution, I’m not saying that you or anyone should make use of this very permanent solution to your problems. But I will say that bullying is not the temporary problem people tend to make it out to be. The common phrase is ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,’ but it’s wrong. I’m living proof. My ‘temporary’ problem of bullying still affects me to this day, in my mid-30s. I have to take serious medication just to put my brain on the same level as a normal person’s and avoid wanting to kill myself again. That seems pretty permanent to me. Bullying gave me a permanent, life threatening illness in the form of my severe depression. That’s the kind of impact I’m talking about. You might think at the time that you’re making a joke or just repeating what someone else said. What you’re really doing is killing someone. Slowly and painfully. Never justify it as something else, because then you’re just lying. Saying “I didn’t mean to” is just an excuse. I would still be dead. If not for my fucking bad taste in weapon.

Instead of addressing the victim and what they could have done differently, we need to address the way we raise kids. They need to know what behaviors are not okay and why, they shouldn’t just have to figure things out on their own. They need to know about their impact on others and what consequences can and should happen. Addressing the victim after the fact is in no way as impactful as addressing everyone and teaching them not to be abusers, that abuse can not and should not be tolerated. Because once someone learns they can abuse someone and get away with it, whether that abuse is verbal, physical, or emotional, they will do it again and again. And not care about what it does to the other person.

We also need to address ourselves, as adults, and our own behavior, since we were obviously not taught these things ourselves. It can be hard to see the signs, which is also addressed in the show, and magnificently. How they wrote the parents was perfect, because they are often wrapped up in their own, perceived larger, problems. Hannah’s parents and their problems with their store seemed like a much bigger problem to Hannah than her own, so she felt like she couldn’t talk to them. She would just be one more problem on top of it, so she chose to take away one problem from them - herself. She couldn’t see that helping their child wouldn’t be a problem for them at all, that’s not how it feels. That’s not how it felt to me. I didn’t want to be a burden, because I already felt like a massive problem. Teachers told me to “ignore it” and it would go away (it never did). When you’re in that situation, it really feels like the only solution you can choose that creates the least impact is death. Which isn’t true, of course, and the show presents that perfectly as well. It shows you what happens afterward, the pressure it puts on everyone. The show is unique in that we got such detailed explanations from Hannah as to the reasons that led her to suicide. Most people only get a note. Some don’t even get that. I hadn’t written one. All I had was overwhelming pain and the urge to get it to stop in any way possible.

13 Reasons Why showed me what would have happened to my mother. And having seen it, I know now that I can’t do that to her. I can never choose suicide because I can’t let that happen to her. And that’s why I think everyone should see this series. Because it may give people a reason not to choose suicide. And I think that’s worth everything.

Because for you people who think it glamorizes revenge and will make people kill themselves even more: The people who are thinking about suicide are already in that dark place. Seeing the series will probably not affect that. They will still be drowning in pain until they make a decision to seek help, whether they watch the show or not. What seeing the show will do is possibly give them a reason to not end it. And it will hopefully also help people to realize the impact they have on others.

If the show makes you uncomfortable... good. It’s supposed to. It should make you think about your actions and not want to cover them up. Speak up. Seek help. You’re not a burden. You deserve happiness.

But never at the expense of others. If you see bullying, say something. Get involved. Not with violence, but with words, kindness, and caring. Stand up for people too torn down to stand up themselves. Give them your hand and be their friend. Be better.

I’m glad I lived to see this show made. I hope its message resonates loud and long and reaches all who need to hear it. I hope it encourages others to share their story so more will know they are not alone.

#13 reasons why #licie in real life #bullying #rape #suicide #long post #I have a lot of baggage #and this show brought all of it out #but it's something people have been ignoring #and it shouldn't be ignored anymore #abuse should never be overlooked

[head-and-heart]

4x04 Personal Highlights

So I know that there has been a lot of negativity surrounding this past episode, but I would like to point out that it was far from being all bad and I would say it was a hell of a lot better than episode four from LAST season (aka. my least favourite episode of this show, ever) there was actually some good shit buried in this episode that I would like to address.

Never too much positivity, right fam?

Okay, I’ll get to it.

1. “Bellamy should be back by now.”

I mean, it’s self-explanatory. Even the C/exa queen is writing us some Bellarke shit .. hmm, I wonder why? Maybe cause she has to? Maybe cause Bellarke is becoming canon? Huh, weird.

2. Monty being a total babe and trying to comfort Clarke

It only serves to make the absence of his name on The List that much more painful, but I love seeing Monty trying to cheer Clarke up. He’s such a beacon of light. @the-ships-to-rule-them-all and @abazethe100 talked on their podcast about how its not just Monty’s brain and skills that make him invaluable, but who he is at his core - a source of optimism and support. He holds people together. I thought it was worth mentioning because @theskyboxpodcast is always good, but I especially loved that bit.

3. Devon’s acting

The writers truly could not have picked a better actor to play Jasper. He kills it, over and over and over again. Devon is the perfect mix of humour and tragedy that makes Jasper so heartbreaking and unique. He brings life to this character in a way that few actors could. That scene in the rain perfectly demonstrates this.

(UNRELATED: I’d love to see how Jaha was managing out on that lake when he heard about the acid fog. The possibilities are never-endingly humourous.)

4. Kane calling out Octavia

This scene was soooo validating because its the first time that Octavia’s actions have TRULY been called out. And it wasn’t just a brief call-out, it was an entire lengthy scene dedicated to why Octavia’s actions are NOT being supported by the narrative and are NOT right or honourable. 

“A warrior knows when not to kill. Lincoln taught you that. You seem to have forgotten.”

FINALLY RECOGNITION THAT A WOMEN WITH A SWORD IS NOT ALWAYS BADASS AND EMPOWERING. IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT. IT TAKES HONOUR

And to those of you who were screaming about Octavia never dealing with the consequences of her actions after ... what? 4x02? YOU COULDN’T WAIT TWO EPISODES??? WHY DO YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS WHY DO YOU TORTURE YOURSELVES? Short rant concluded. This was a top-knotch scene. 

5. LUNA

She is so gorgeous and her voice is so soothing. She makes every episode better just be existing.

6. THE ISLAND IS SO COOL

I’M SO GLAD THAT ALIE’S MANSION IS NOT THE ONLY THING WE GET TO SEE OF THIS ISLAND. THE WHOLE INTRIGUE SURROUNDING BECCA AND HER LAB AND THE DRONES AND THE “MUTANT LINE” AND THE MYSTERIOUS THINGS THAT ALIE’S SECURITY IS “PROTECTING” THEM FROM IS SO INTERESTING AND ITS SO DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING THIS SHOW HAS DONE BEFORE AND BOY AM I EXCITED TO FIND OUT WHAT’S GOING ON AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS STORYLINE. AND ALSO I, AND A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE, TOTALLY PREDICTED THAT THEY WERE HEADED BACK TO ALIE’S ISLAND TO FIND A LAB OF SOME SORT BACK IN THE HIATUS SO GOOD-WORK TEAM. NOTHING GETS PAST THIS FANDOM, I SWEAR.

7. Jackson being a total babe and helping out Raven this episode/showing compassion and concern

So I’ve seen people shipping it and I am ... oddly, not opposed??? I mean, he’s sweet and that banter was nice and he’s a doctor which means he’s probs smart and also can help her out with her pain (kinda) and it will never happen but I CAN DREAM OKAY? 

Also, Jackson is Jackson’s only name. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. You will never hear me referring to Jackson by any other name. #dealwithit

8. “Save us all” sounds like “keep us all clean” in Trigadesleng because apparently Grounders know their priorities

I guess this explains why L.exa had that deep conditioned shit last season while Clarke was progressing through her slow but steady evolution into a dirty mop

9. “I’ve never met a line I wouldn’t cross.”

Richard you get the best lines. And you slay them every time.

10. MURPHY AND RAVEN’S DYMAMIC

I’M SO EXCITED. Lindsey and Richard are both a thrill to watch and they’re both so sassy and their history is just ... WOW. They haven’t had many scenes together ever since that KILLER scene in the dropship where we learned Murphy’s backstory which is a total crime because THEIR CHEMISTRY SERIOUSLY FLIES THROUGH THE ROOF.

I do think Murphy was trying to get on Raven’s good side when he grabbed her and helped her to safety and it was definitely for his personal motives, but I do also believe that a large part of him wanted to do it as an attempt to make up for fucking up her life so bad as well. It’s such an interesting dynamic to watch.

Just want to clarify that I don’t ship it because ... y’all he literally shot her and paralyzed her why do you do this?? But I definitely want to see more of them on my TV screen

11. Dad!Kane cupping his son’s face

Need I say more?

12. “Warriors don’t reveal their secrets.”

AND ECHO LOOKS AT BELLAMY BECAUSE HE DIDN’T CAVE AND REVEAL THEIR SECRETS BECAUSE MY BOY IS SO STRONG 

13. Ice Nation is SO much more interesting than Trikru

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE

14. “Remember that time we welded your dad’s furniture to the ceiling? Now THAT was a prank.”

I WOULD SAY SO MONTY LMAO THIS IS SO EXTRA AND I LOVE IT

CLASSIC JONTY I CAN CLEARLY ENVISION THEM DOING THIS

15. “You’re not God, Clarke. You don’t get to decide who lives and dies.”

Hmm ... that’s an interesting line. Almost like it might be ... I don’t know ... A major theme of the show or something?

Also A++ delivery Devon. Kudos.

16. This show is SO GOOD with moral dilemmas

They truly do bring their A-Game every season. The List is just one example of these so-called moral dilemmas. There truly is no right choice. Clarke was pragmatic, everything she did made SENSE. But was it moral? Was it humane? That’s another story, and it’s one these writers are not afraid to tell.

17. Monty and Clarke’s interactions are all so on point

“You’re the one going too far and using the same old justification: it’s all for my people.”

ANOTHER MAJOR THEME ALERT

Monty is spilling the tea this episode and while I understand Clarke’s mindset and sympathize with her for dealing with the pressure on her shoulders, everything that Monty said in this scene was absolutely 100% true, and it’s going to come into play in Clarke’s character arc this season, I am sure.

18. Raven’s struggle with her leg is so real

Kim perfectly captured the struggles that Raven has to deal with and how her leg, while limits her physical ability, certainly does not limit her determination, her skill, and her brain. 

19. “What if the fight is all we are? We torture, kill, betray. We pretend we’re more than that just to make ourselves feel better, but it’s a lie.”

I love this line so much. This episode encapsulates so many themes and big ideas of the show (and it grapples with morality in hugeeeee ways) and I’m loving it.

20. “You’re not a prisoner, Luna. You have a choice.”

Raven putting her gun down and saying this to Luna is SO important, especially when you think about how Clarke tried to force the flame on her in 3x14. Free will was a major theme last year and I’m glad to see it paying off now.

21. Jaha swooping in and stealing that crowd

Listen. I know that there are many conflicted opinions on Jaha and I know that lot of people hate him. But I have never been more intrigued. His story this season is sooo interesting. I have no idea what to expect from him. I feel as though he is so disconnected from the other characters at this point in the narrative that he’s a complete wild card. Do I trust him or not? Should I? What are his motives? What knowledge does he have that the other characters don’t?

He’s so fascinating to me in that he is completely unpredictable. His story this season could break off in just about any direction. 

This scene was really fun to watch. Clearly, Jaha’s years of being a Chancellor comes in handy with a crowd. He knows what to do, what to say, to sway them. It reminds me of Bellamy, in a way, actually. Say what you will about Jaha, but he has a way with words and he knows how to inspire people. I can’t wait to see how this goes. 

(I totally think that lottery is bullshit and I think that Jaha realizes this, but he’s manipulating the crowd. We’ll see how this blows up in our faces later.)

“The people need to feel like they have a say in their fate.”

Another interesting line that I enjoyed. Just wanted to point it out.

22. “It’s the only choice you gave yourself. If you think you have the best idea, you have to convince people, not lie to them. Or lock them up.”

So choices and free will and truth and morality are all big focusses of this episode. People seem to overlook how much great thematic stuff is in 4x04 but there’s a lot and it’s great.

23. Becca’s lab is bomb AF

24. BOB MORLEY DESERVES A FUCKING EMMY PLEASE AND THANK YOU

25. “Take me home.” 

BECAUSE EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME ARKADIA AND THE SKY PEOPLE ARE STILL OCTAVIA’S HOME BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE BELLAMY IS (or so she thinks) AND HELLO YES I’M STILL EMO

#I ENJOYED THIS EPISODE A LOT MORE ON MY REWATCH #SO I'M GONNA BE ALL CAPS ABOUT IT #the 100 #the 100 season 4 #the 100 4x04 #posts by moi