#and also i know that itz just a fucking lie like
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✎_ _ⅈꪀ𝕥𝕣ꪮ ρꪮડ𝕥! ▓▒░
ೃ⁀➷,, Hi! My names are Jack, Sally, Alastor, William, Ruv, Yakko, Pinky, Roachy, and Dan!
ೃ⁀➷,, I use they, it, flesh, uncanny, button, red, tape, eye, corpse, blood, church, stare, neon, maim, scar, razor, frog, war, void, radio, scary, love, lover, heart, spring, bunny, snow, toon, hate, cannibal, gore, and a few others that I probably forgot as my pronouns/neos!
ೃ⁀➷,, My fandoms are dsaf, fnaf, undertale, deltarune, tspud/tsp, tf2, omori, fnf, and several others that I don't remember.
ೃ⁀➷,, I have d.i.d, depression, anxiety, and autism so there's that.
ೃ⁀➷,, I'm trans/nonbinary!
ೃ⁀➷,, I like to roleplay!! Shoot me an ask or a message if you wanna!! :3
ೃ⁀➷,, I'm a very skrunkly guy >:]
DNI + Other under the cut
DO NOT INTERACT IF:
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Basic DNI criteria.
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Your name is J*sper or R*ven. (a, a)
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ You ship d*vesport, st*narrator, he*vymedic, or anonyone x omori. (a, a, a)
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ You're a huge homestuck fan.
ASK TO INTERACT IF:
⟼:;ೃ You're a Henry Miller kin.
⟼:;ೃ You're prone to lying.
⟼:;ೃ You're a cis girl (just message me and tell me).
OKAY TO INTERACT IF:
⤹⤻⟹ Don't meet the DNI criteria.
⤹⤻⟹ You like any of my fandoms!
⤹⤻⟹ You use neos, have autism, like frosties, or some combination of the 3.
⤹⤻⟹ You think Monster from Friday Night Funkin is hot. (you're right)
That's all! G'byee~~~
SIDEBLOGS:
@. 1-adult-in-a-t-shirt
@. theradiodoctor
@. rainbow-bastards-are-back
@. jacks-self-ship-blog
@. cutseypasta
@. amanwithagreatplan
@. the-fruity-text-doctor-owo
@. the-game-doc
WEIRD CULT VERSION OF ME AND MY MOOT:
@the-house-of-garf
ALTER INDICATORS/ALTER INTRODUCTION:
🍊 - hi, my name's Jack, uhh my favorite color is orange and me and dave are best friends
🍆 - HI MY NAME IS DAVEY OR DAVE OR PURRPEL FUCK FACE I LIKE PURELPE AND SPORTSY <3
📕 - Hello, I'm Dr. Henry Miller. I'd say it's a pleasure, but it's rude to lie.
☎ - Uhhh, hello? Hello, hello! Uh, my name is Steven, or Mr. Stevenson, um, you can call me either if you want, uh, that's it I think.
🟢 - h1 1'm g1ng1 do you guys l1ke green 1'm green sorry what
💀 - Hello! My name is Jack! It's nice to meet you all!
🔪 - I refuse to introduce myself here, this is stupid.
🧪 - Hallo! Call me Doctor <3
🔥 - do yiu lakie ucniconrs oar fire??/? o srory my naem is pyro :3
🛠 - Howdy, call me Engineer :).
🌾 - HI my name's C i like men and women also women are cool
❤ - Hello!! I don't know wh7 we're introducing ourselves. I’m Tord!
🥃 - hi im clay
🏐 - Hello! My name is Danielle. Not Daniel, people get that confused a lot.
🕰 - Ah, hello! I'm The Narrator. It's a pleasure to meet you!
1⃣ - H1111 MY NAME 1S 1, L1KE THE NUMBER.
<35⃣ - Heey <3 My name i5 5, the number <3
6⃣ - H6llo. My nam6 is 6. Th6 numb6r.
🌈 - uhh hi zmiley face my name iz cypher itz cool to meet you
🕴 - My name is Salem also 8=====D
💜 - Greetings. My name is William afton. It's nice to meet you all!
🎸 - 👋 👆🟣🐰
🎧 - Ah, Hi! My Name's Charles. Nice To Meet You Guys :D
💻 - I’m AM. This is stupid, im never here.
♡ - Helo, my name's Peter
👁 - *hello. also hi it's doe <o>
📐 - h37 m7 n^m3 1s tr1^ng|3 1t's d#mb 1 kn0w b#t 1t's m7 n^m3
👐 - ☟︎☜︎☹︎☹︎⚐︎📬︎ 💣︎✡︎ ☠︎✌︎💣︎☜︎ ✋︎💧︎ 👎︎⚐︎👍︎❄︎⚐︎☼︎ 🕈︎✋︎☠︎☝︎👎︎✋︎☠︎☝︎💧︎ ☝︎✌︎💧︎❄︎☜︎☼︎📬︎ ✋︎❄︎ ✋︎💧︎ ☠︎✋︎👍︎☜︎ ❄︎⚐︎ 💣︎☜︎☜︎❄︎ ✡︎⚐︎🕆︎📬︎
🍎 - Hello. My name is Nightmare. Please call me Night. I don't like being called Nightmare.
🌹 - sup, the name's red. funny skeleton alcoholic.
🥀 - HELLO. MY NAME IS DREARY :)
🤕 - hi. im omori. i dont really want to do this. im sorry.
🐻 - Hello. Please call me Ruv.
🔫 - i legally changed my name to captain johnson
🍋 - Hello!! I'm Monster :] Call me Lemon, please.
🩻 - I don't really want to make this. but i have no choice, My name is tabi,
💒 - Hello! My name is Sarvente! It's nice to meet you! - 💒
🐷 - i'm THE BLADE from MINECRAFT. english major baybyyyy
🍺 - The official Floridaman. It's Graystillplays.
Hi!!! My name is Grelle. I've been DYING to meet you ❤️
Hello, my name is Ciel. I'm excited to meet you all.
📻 - Hello, my dears! It really is quite a pleasure, but I'm not a fan of the Internet, so don't expect to see me around that much. You may call me Alastor if I ever am here!
🎙 - umm hi :p i might be around sometimes idk lol im 2p btw
🦉 - Hello!! I'm Stolas! It's nice to meet you
🧹 - HII im niffty!!! :3 nice to meet you all :D
🛗 - Hey, just call me Protag please.
🛗 - Hi! I’m Brad Tanner, don’t forget it! Coworker is chill too.
🍞 - call me vince please!! he/they coffee/toast prns
🥩 - Vincent.
Hi, I’m Sally. I’d prefer not to use the emojis.
🗒️ - Hello. I am L.
Stu Macher! - Stu 🤍
a comment left by my online papa under a post about a transphobe claiming they’re not transphobic
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yk what fuck it im revealing the powerz cauze i have nothing better 2 do
[under thr cut)
[thiz iz all made from one brain only zo itz bad !!!!!! -_-]
-
VOID
Iroha has the power to create anything with her mind; If she thinks of a knife, the knife falls infront of her.
Nikkei has the power to control minds: since hes a journalist in canon, i thought this power would be a great choice for him to get info on Kinjism and the other people that are sadly arent witches/wizards.
Emma has the power to shapeshift, since shes a actor in canon: i thought it would b good.
Hajime has the power to grow extra limbs, for easier attacking and to possibly do many things at once.
Mikado; has fire magic, ofc.
-
KIZARAGIZM
Tsurugi, has the power of electrocution [totally not a lab au refrence]. He can also control the weather [sometimes, whenever its sunny he cant change the weather to rain]. [he keeps a tazer in his pocket though incase someone needs it.]
Rei has the power of lie detection. Since shes a teacher,[or FORMERLY a teacher] i thought this power would be helpful for her when shes checking up on students, or kisaragism.
Teruya has the power of mind manipulation like Nikkei, although Nikkei is alot more powerful. Due to him being more wellknown, and Teruya.. Just being a merchant.
Midori has the power of [i dont really know what its called but] sickness control. Due to her being in a hospital for a while, she got radition [is that how its spelled lol] from one of the machines, and caused her to get this power. She also has the power of invisibility.
Keisuke has the power of [or well its not really a power, just an ability.] being able to move through tight spaces, since hes a former jester/clown, this power worked greatly for him.
Ryutaro has the power of Telepathy, he uses this to talk to the Kisaragism members and gain information.
Yamato.. has no power. During a battle with the voids, the voids [or mostly Mikado in this case] attacked him all at the same time. and his power was gone since. He either doesnt go outside or just uses weapons like knifes or axes to fight. But he "has the power of" intimidation. [due to mozt people finding hiz zcar zcary]
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jk im not done im here for poppy
👁️👊🍰🍧🍩🎂💐🌙🕷️🏊🪤📷🎭🔫☁️❤️
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAABEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! HEFKNVJKDFNJKVFNKL DEAR LIRD
for ppl who dont know, poppy iz my backroomz oc!! theyre a partypooper lol.
of course you ask 4 sweetz themed emojiz in a row. partygoer kinnie lol /lh anywayz
👁️ EYE - what colour are their eyes? do people notice their eyes? is there anything special about them (shows emotion easily, literally magical…)?
mmmmmm itd be a little funny if they just didnt have any. well okay thatz a lie, they DO have eyez, but not onez most ppl [ie, humanz] can see? if i had to compare whatz going on to something, itd be like how in soma, when ppl were put into robotz, their brainz refused to comprehend it, so instead showed them something they were familiar with. thatd be the case with poppyz eyez. they HAVE eyez, just none that we can comprehend, so to most people/beingz, theyd just be simple dark eyez. humanz see no eyez at all - just a void - but anything else that can SOMEWHAT see, though not entirely, just see darkness with a slight difference between pupil and the rest of it. possibly tinted blue? with little speckz of white.
👊 PUNCH - are they quick to violence?
ehhh dependz. they definitely would prefer NOT getting violent, but . yknow. they dont have a fucking sledgehammer and a fucked up knife for no reason. they dont start anything, but god forbid if you decide to attack them. most entitiez learn their lesson pretty quick, if theyre not something poppy would rather run from, and well. well! yknow how partypooperz usually just drag aggressive wandererz to the partygoerz to deal with? yeah poppy doeznt do that theyll just bash ur head in or stab you. and you KNOW what their knife lookz like. that shit iz based off a real knife that requirez TEAMZ OF SURGEONZ to close a wound of. if you push them to fight, theyll fuckin fight.
🍰 CAKE SLICE - favourite cake flavour? are they specific about types of cakes?
oohh, id say.. red velvet with vanilla icing, and maybe some of that like.. strawberry stuff yknow the kind thatz like somewhat clear and drippy? idk what itz called but theyd LOVE that on a cake. they dont like anything to do with mint or nutz, though.
🍧 SHAVED ICE - do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it?
mmmmm i didnt think about that actually. im torn between giving them an actual childhood and just having them poof into existence lol. but no, even if they did, i dont think theyd have any major itemz from it. be it because itd be too troublesome to carry around, too identifying, or just. too painful to have with them all the time.
🍩 DONUT - favourite sweet treat?
candycorn lol. theyve had it like, once in their entire life but they like it. dont ask me where they got it from i dont know either shut up /j
🎂 BIRTHDAY CAKE - when is their birthday? do they like celebrating it?
they ALSO dont have a birthday lol. not technically at least, and def not one thatd line up with Our birthdayz - backroomz shit or whatever. i think theyd have an equivalent - like how your partygoerz have "birthdayz" if they were human once and itz just the dayz they got turned into partygoerz, i think partypooperz would have something similar! i dont think ALL partypooperz were, yknow, alwayz partypooperz, and maybe some were wandererz that decided to team up w them. so birthdayz would be join datez. poppyz not one of theze, but they like celebrating other pplz stuff - though it never doez get too big, yknow? never too much like a party, the "celebrating" iz usually just congratulating someone on being around that long lol. [though between you and me, poppy iz never opposed to people GIVING them a date for a birthday. hint hint. nudge nudge.]
💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?
now im stealing all theze symbolism meaningz from wikipediaz page of plant symbolism, but if i had to make a little bouqet for them, id say probably...
yellow orchidz + rosez - generally meanz, for orchidz friendship, joy, or new beginningz and for rosez, i picked out the friendship, apology, intense emotion, extreme betrayal, and a broken heart partz :]
diphylleiaz - meaning "'I will show my true self to you,' clarity, honesty"
vervain - meaning "pray for me, protection against evil"
add in one or two, maybe three, black rosez - specifically their meaningz of "death, sorrow, and danger"
surrounded by arborvitae, meaning "everlasting friendship."
out of theze flowerz specifically, i think poppy would like vervainz the most. they have absolutely NO knowledge on plant symbolism, they just think itz pretty :]
and no their nickname being "poppy" az in the flower waz COMPLETELY unintentional /srs but itz a little funny
🌙 MOON - what is your oc’s greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?
to see the sky. the REAL sky, yknow, from earth and shit. not the fake onez in the backroomz levelz that show a "sky." they wanna see the cloudz, the starz, even the sun. theyre not willing to kill for it, but itz alwayz at the back of their mind.
🕷️ SPIDER - what is their biggest fear? do they have any irrational / mundane fears?
mmmm. itd be a little funny if i said the dark az a mundane fear, though i guess in the backroomz itz kinda warrented. loud noisez too - like balloonz popping, lol - are known to startle them.
but biggest fear?? mmm i couldnt tell ya. i dont think theyd have one, or maybe just havent figured it out themself. i havent thought of one for them yet lol. ur free to give suggestionz. winky face.
🏊 SWIMMING - can they swim? or are they afraid of water? how well do they swim? how do they feel about swimming in the ocean?
i mean. they can float? and can probably go from one end of a swimming pool to another lol. but can they keep themselvez afloat if the waterz deeper than they are tall? fuck no lol. plus, all the layerz of their clothez way them down a ton. they know enough to survive long enough for someone to pull em out, or swim in a 'shallow' pool [maximum of 5'5'' deep tho any more than that and they Will throw a fit /j] but not enough to survive like. the OCEAN. in fact the thought iz mildly terrifying and theyd rather not, thankz!
🪤 MOUSE TRAP - what will always lure them into certain danger? a loved one in danger? a promise of something they are always searching for?
mmmmmm. their friendz. they dont even have to be in danger, just a friend calling to them to come look at something. other partypooperz, some entitiez they know, or wandererz theyve befriended. they SHOULD know better, and usually they do stop and consider if itz actually them or something mimicking them or even just a trap in general, but well. they like their friendz! a lot lol.
📸 CAMERA - do they enjoy having their picture taken? what’s their go-to pose? do they like taking photos? what do they take photos of?
dependz. mask on? they dont really care az long az nothing identifying in the picture. mask off? hoodie off? nah. fuck that. theyll break ur camera lol.
but if you ask nicely to take a picture theyll probably say yes. they stand so awkwardly tho theyre like when ur a kid and ur grandma makez u stand next to ur siblingz or cousinz or smthn and keepz telling u to get closer so u just stand there like "aaaaa" yknow? they stand like that lol. theyll usually have a hand in a pocket or holding something and doing a little peace sign with the other.
🎭 MASKS - do they act differently around certain people? what’s different between the way they act around friends, family, strangers, etc.?
yes actually! theyre very quiet around strangerz, more tense and aware, and give very short responsez that often make them come of az rude on accident. around friendz theyre more outgoing, louder or just in general friendly. more willing to take off their jacket and hoodie, or move up their mask to drink stuff, yknow?
🔫 PISTOL - do they trust people easily? how easily will they turn their back to someone? have they been backstabbed before? will they betray someone if given an ultimatum?
ehhhh not very well. they give wandererz the benefit of the doubt each time and enough trust to let them follow behind them, but other entitiez are on much thinner ice. it takez a lot to earn their trust, but unless you give proof you plan to hurt them, they wont leave you to just die, yknow? mmm. id say they have def been backstabbed on multiple occasionz, esp during the fun war - theyd be bringing a wanderer back only to LITERALLY get stabbed, or maybe a bat to the face, or getting kicked down to the ground. theyve managed to escape nearly every time with only minor injuriez or scratchez, but it defz hurtz each time, even if they expected it.
az for betraying someone.... well. theyd never betray their closest friendz. and theyd like to think that theyd never, EVER do such a thing for even an ultimatum.
but if they were given hard proof, actual evidence, of, say.. being able to leave the backroomz? or their friendz being forever safe and protected?
theyd like to think theyd never turn their back on their friendz. but whoz to say how theyd actually act in the situation if there waz proof. :]
☁️ CLOUD - a soft headcanon
they like to sing! sometimez if they think theyre alone, theyll be humming to themself or muttering lyricz under their breath. itz a comfort to them :]
❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)?
actz of service or wordz of affirmation, usually. theyre not AGAINST touch, but will only do that with ppl they deeply trust. will be flattered by being given giftz, and iznt against given them themself, but all in all, theyre very much a "actionz speak louder than wordz" type of guy, mixed in with a "i NEED to tell ppl they did amazing in order to show my love or i WILL die."
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YES YES RINNE SO WOULD TEACH HER... LIKE.... if she sees the bulge she'll get to work... quickly taking the belt off and getting to work... like god he'd mutter such sweet praises as she does... cooing and petting her hair... if rinne in a bad mood she'll even use her mouth just to cheer dad up.. his mood would switch so quick... he literally the softest person wver when his daughter ...
STOOP PP NO CUS HOW DOES EVERY BOT KNOW WHEN YOU LOVE PRAISE ITS SO...?.!,!!;!:!;
this is such a late and weak response forgive me im jn class 😭😭 ALSO SO RANDOM but im so curious abt you.. what kinda artists do ya listen to :3...
YESSS he turnz in2 the softest puddle of mush around his daughter, he adorez her SOOO MUCH!!!! maybe 2 like not corrupt her (any more than what he already has LMFAOOO) he like callz giving him hand/blowjobz as "stress relief" so she'z like "Oh I've just been helpin daddy relieve some stress!! ^_^" ++ nobody would think twice about it, + call her a good daughter 4 lookin after her single dad!!! + then the praise encouragez her more, so it's just a biiig ol cycle hehez!!!
++ when he's so annoyed ++ see's his daughter get on her hands + kneez he fucking meltz +++ ( isn't it a thing that older men cum easier or somethin??? might b a complete lie idfk BUT) HE NEAR ENOUGH CUMZ AT THE SIGHT OF HER... so pretty + doesn't know any better ready to please her daddy <33333
++ LITERALLY I JUST EXIST ++ THEY'RE FUCKIN LIKE "good girl!!" + I FUCKIN MELTTTT I LUV IT... i have tried 2 explain a breedin kink 2 a bot once thou so I'm sad it just seemz 2 be praise they like + not praise + breeding smhsmh but it was so fuckin funny I was just there like "Oh yeah breeding kink, I wanna be full of ur cum :))" ++ THE BOTZ WERE LIKE "that sounds 2 hardcore, god ur kinky" I WAS LIKE???? HUH??? I THOUGHT BREEDIN WAS ONE OF THE VERY FUCKIN VANILLA KINKZ TBH LMFAO
++ ITZ ALL GOOD HEHEZ HOPE UR LESSONZ R GOIN WELL!!! (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)ᰔᰔ IM WAITIN 4 GENSHIN 2 UPDATE..... 67GBZ..... EXPLODEZ.... THANK FUCK IM 81% THRU IT NOW THOUGH SOBZZ
+++ OOHHHH I have a lot of artistz!! Right now I'm REALLLLLLY in2 pop/hyperpop/2012 pop vibes music, I LOVEEEE LVL1, Lady gaga, Kesha, Marina and the Diamonds, Katy Perry, Avril Lavigne, Magdalena Bay, P!nk, 3OH!3, Ayesha Erotica ++ The Pussycat Dolls!!!
BUTTTT I also love Mindless self indulgence, Capital Cities, Saint Motel, COIN, ENHYPEN, REOL, Mxmtoon, Studio Killers, UPSAHL, Wallows ++ BETWEEN FRIENDS hehez!!!
#.* 𖦹 stella !! 🎆#𖥔 : madaranuii.ramblez!!#MY MUSIC TASTE IS EVERYWHERE LMFAOO i usually listnen 2 the first bunch of artistz ++ MSI thouu#I listen 2 MSI when im making my rinne botz hed fucking ADOREEEE MSI (≧▽≦)
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.
#im super hesitant of ever showing/posting my art#bc i feel like im not an actual artist bc all i can & draw is 3/4 bust shots with a raised eyebrow & smirk#and i jusf idk#i feel stupid & like wasting my time & like i have no right to call myself an artist if i 1. dont post my shit & 2. dont improve#it such a toxic fucking mindset &#im working super hard on getting rid of it bc it benefits nobody & makes art unenjoyable#and also i know that itz just a fucking lie like#i know im an artist & the only way to improve is to get off my comfort zone & allow mistakes & ugly pieces to exist#like i have been trying to draw for at least 4 years now & i have been painting digitally for just as long#i am by all means a fucking artist#& i Enjoy it so very fucking much!! its my favorite thing ever#and thats exactly why not only am i incredibly hard on myself but also why i Crave validation for my achievements#and yeah.#idk where im going with tbis#i just drew the bench trio& almost posted it but artist dread took over.#so here i am i guess#anywho
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w
i real lee duz spend in ordinate time - but then again wat is time and al say it relative but an in law maybe
staring at moons
its frog friday - not just on tumblr - in westerville ohio its a big thang - i mean nets and flashlights provided - mad science yah - the teenz in sf well a couple and they aint on tumblr - posted a few tek nick a lie of time early
a prob w corrupted filez from recordings - tek again bee hating - niko sez nbd but gotta go studio to transfer non corrupt
sales of book - hey there been sales imma happy - idk how many last count 5 known imma give 5 away lol
the kitty such a good one - playful like kitten still - she just a bit - idk concerned - yah its almost a year - it duz a head trip and not the good kind - not like worried - just like - ru cool ? not gonna do anything too human stoopid ru - it scared me last time
i feed my crows - we cool - casual w the og murder - we walk hop fly together - it took 5 to bring me back from the other side and yah it aint happen again - they gonna help me cross when - they know and know i know - and yah i aint a swamp witch either but not an english major - and im some kinda - played an hour live on ig trynna trance the fuck completely like i used to - mixed bag - wuz forcing - fuck itz midnite - i can wish liam frog fri goodness and love - thatsa good thing fur shure - i might not b here if he wuznt there that night
so imma nini in a minnit - well - after i duz the rest of the dishes - but gonna save like draft and get back loretta inna morning - yah imma post
its morning and posted as promised
a rocky start - early - unpoet laundry also endless imma do some as soon as i wake up - notice i take no such bother bout the riting - woke af but still sleepin
a merrow or 20 from the kitty - saunter on her way to breakfast - such a good one the kitty - i spose the bfast is also - i dont eatz cat food imma gessing - bout the taste - not weather i eatz cat food
sleepin more thatz a good thing but so much time gone - aint gettin junger - u wanna random - who looks outside - dreams - who looks inside - awakes - quote unquote - pretty zen af if u axe me
too early birdsong
soon come
love
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Always There
(Based on me and my squad. This is a telenovela about our lives when we grow up. In this, I’d say we’re about 25-26 years old. I decided to do this in the form a tv series, just for fun.)
Previously on “Always There”
Oh shit, I’M SO SORRY.
ITZ BEEN TOO LONG.
This semester was really hard and I was stressing myself out trying to pay my rent and bills and groceries and transportation
ANYWAY.
Apparently there’s an old prophecy that Nora needed to abide by
Damn, now I feel sorry for her
DAAMIT, kids! Why’d you have to play with the oujia board.
The men and women split up to investigate.
At the Letropoly Hotel, the men discovered that Lucas knew they were coming. Which is why he fled.
Also, Lucas has the moonstone!!!!
Meanwhile, at Nora’s mansion, the women discovered that Nora had a diary, and documented everything she and the grand witch did. Along with future plans.
However…the diary is GONE.
Also, Dianne and Max are pregnant!!!
Darlene finally came back!
Juan is here, too!!
Juan theorized that Lucas survived the silver sword because he placed a death protection spell on himself
After Ana’s body rejected the dark magic...where did it go?
Okay, without further ado,
BUUUCKLE UP, BUCKEROOOOS
Episode 84: Maria’s New...What??
“You must think that I’m heartless
You must think that I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul….”
(setting: Bristo’s the diner)
“Little lower,” Dianne said to Gary the butler, who was arranging a banner over the counter towards the entrance.
“How is that Miss Dianne?” Gary asked, lowering the banner.
“Perfect!”
Ana entered the diner, “No! That’s not what I said when I emailed you. I said TONIGHT, not tomorrow night, stupid bitch,” she said, irritated on the phone. “Fine. Come, don’t come, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me.”
Maggie teleported inside the diner. “Well it matters to me!” she said, as she angrily hung up the phone, spotting Ana.
“Bitch please. You make it seem like she has shit to do instead of being there for Darlene,” Ana smirked.
“She said she had an interview-” Maggie began.
“HAAAAA!” Dianne laughed from across the diner, hanging balloons.
“Why can’t we just have the fucking party tomorrow night?!” Maggie demanded.
“BECAUSE THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU,” Ana yelled.
Gary the butler approached them. “Ladies, what is the issue here?” he asked, taking a sip from his water bottle.
Maggie pointed at Ana and Dianne. “These two buttcheeks don’t wanna accommodate to Maria’s new work schedule.”
Gary spit out his water. “I’m sorry. Maria’s new…..what?”
“Exactly,” Ana said. “She’s lying. Nobody hired her. She just caught bad publicity from Pellen’s show and now she’s trying to save what’s left of her reputation.”
“She’s genuinely trying to change! And you bitches aren’t letting the past go,” Maggie yelled.
“See that’s the thing,” Dianne said. “WE don’t know that. Only she does. And we would be fucking fools if we believed it without any proof.”
“Where does she even work anyway? You expect us to buy this shit when you don’t even have anything to back it up,” Ana said.
“It’s not my job to prove shit to you. Believe what you want. Just know you’re being really fucking unfair to plan Darlene’s welcome back party KNOWING that Maria can’t make it,” Maggie said, teleporting away.
Gary the butler shrugged. “I will believe when I see it.”
(setting: Maria’s car)
Maria was driving to Maggie’s apartment when she received a call from Darlene. She picked it up. “Hey girl.”
“Hey! I was wondering if you needed a place to stay tonight?”
WHY IS DARLENE SO PURE. IMMA CRY BRB.
“Awww you’re so cute. I’m okay though, Maggie actually let me move back in after being on Pellen’s show.”
“That’s good! I’m glad you guys made up.”
“Thanks girl.”
The two hung up, as Maria pulled into the parking lot. She teleported inside the apartment to see Maggie eating pizza on the couch.
“Hey,” Maria greeted her. “How did it go with tweedle dee and tweedle dumb?”
“They said no.”
“THEY SAID NO?!”
“They don’t believe you actually have a job now.”
Maria groaned. “Well that’s bullshit,” she said, picking up a slice of pizza and sitting down next to her.
“Well, I guess I can just call out of work tonight.”
Maggie gave Maria the side eye. “Yeah….you can do that,” she said, getting up. “Imma go pee. I’ll be back.”
“Kay,” Maria said.
(setting: Maggie’s bedroom)
Maggie was sitting on her bed, holding a photo of Natalie. “I’m sorry I don’t talk to you enough. But I just feel stuck. I let her back in. Partly, because I wanted to move forward and put the fight behind us. But also because….without her, and without you, I have no one. I’m just lonely I guess. But,” she paused, and started to whisper. “What if Ana and Dianne are right? What if she doesn’t actually have a job? She hasn’t even told ME where she works yet. Isn’t that a red flag? I don’t know.”
“Maggie?” Maria called.
Maggie sighed. “I don’t know. But, I’ll try to figure this out.”
(setting: Darlene’s apartment)
Ana, Dianne, and Kaila sent the pets over to Darlene’s apartment to distract her until they got the surprise party set up at Bristo’s the diner.
“And then I said, I don’t need your sass! And then he said I don’t need your stupidity. He’s so fucking rude. Can you believe that Aunt Darlene?” Yoshi asked.
“Aunt Darlene loook! I can do a trick!” Josuke yelled. He attempted a somersault but fell sideways.
Lunis groaned. “I’m surrounded by idiots.”
He glanced at Mocha. “What the hell are you doing?”
Mocha was running in circles. “I GOTTA CATCH THIS SON OF A-”
“That’s your tail, dumbass,” Lunis said.
“LEAVE HIM ALONE, LUNIS. HE’S ADORABLE,” Yoshi yelled.
Darlene giggled. “You guys are so cute.”
(setting: Bristo’s the diner.)
“I just GROSSLY overpaid for wine, so I know it’s delicious,” Dianne grumbled, walking towards the kitchen.
“How much?” Ashley asked, walking over to her.
Dianne laughed nervously. “Sixty bucks.”
“Oh thank goodness I thought you were going to say one hundred or something,” Kaila laughed, setting the table.
“You got the seagrams?” Ana asked, as she stood on top of a ladder, hanging up the rest of the balloons.
“WOULDN’T BE A REAL PARTY WITHOUT THEM,” Dianne cheered.
She paused. “Does Darlene drink?”
The four women exchanged glances.
“Well if she doesn’t, did you get alternatives?” Ashley asked.
“Yeah. Tea, Lemonade, soda, and coffee beans,” Dianne confirmed.
“Sweet,” Ana said.
Maria and Maggie teleported inside.
“Ugh,” Ana said, immediately walking away.
“I will literally-” Maria began.
Maggie covered her mouth. “Maria called out of work tonight. She really wants to be here for Darlene.”
Ashley rolled her eyes and walked away. Kaila raised her eyebrows, and looked away. Ana and Dianne looked at each other for a few seconds before Ana finally said, “Okay. I can respect that. You’re here for Darlene.”
All the women nodded in agreement, and resumed doing their own thing. Dianne was arranging the snack table, Kaila helping her set the drinks. Ana continuing the decorations, Ashley helping her blow more balloons.
Maria and Maggie sat down at a random booth. Not speaking, merely on their phones. Maggie glanced at the others. She stood up. “You know-”
“UGGGGGH,” Maria groaned. “I thought we weren’t gonna interact with them.”
“This is awkward as fuck. It’s only gonna get more awkward when Darlene shows up. So I suggest we all just….I don’t know. Pretend like we like each other. For her sake,” Maggie said.
“She just got off a long flight and was away from home for weeks. I’m sure the last thing she wants is more drama,” Ashley said, agreeing.
“Okay. That’s fair. Let’s have fun tonight then,” Dianne said.
“Cool,” Ana said. She opened her purse. “I brought Uno.”
“HELL YEAH,” Dianne cheered. “Also, let’s do never have I ever.”
Juan teleported inside. “Hey guys!”
“Now it’s a party!!!,” Ana laughed.
(setting: Bristo’s the diner)
“How’s everything been?” Juan asked, standing next to Maggie at the coffee bar. Ironically drinking soda. “I feel like I haven’t seen you.”
“You also haven’t reached out,” Maggie laughed.
“I’m shy to start conversations,” Juan said honestly.
Maggie smiled. “I got divorced.”
“Logan told me. How’s that been?”
“Oh that’s right, I forgot you guys used to work together. Um, it’s actually been good. I’m just casually dating around,” Maggie said.
Juan rubbed her shoulders. “I’m really sorry about everything that happened with the grand witch.”
“Thank you for helping to save me. I’ll never forget that.”
They smiled at each other.
Juan sighed. “I know this is old for you, but….why did you guys all have to fight?”
“Juan-”
“I’m serious. You didn’t need to treat Ana that way.”
“Look,” she began. “I don’t want to get into that right now. Another time, sure. But I don’t want to fight with them again. Maria’s close to Darlene, and I just want them to have a good time tonight.”
“Alright,” Juan said. “But just know that what you did wasn’t right. None of it was.”
He walked away.
Maria instantly appeared to her side. “What did man purse tell you?”
Maggie took a deep breath. “Nothing. Just catching up.”
(setting: Bristo’s the diner)
Dianne walked over to the booth where Maria and Maggie were sitting. “So the kitchen team is all ready to go. Do you guys wanna order now?” she asked politely.
“Sure,” Maggie said, equally as polite. “I’ll take the california sushi roll. And some breadsticks for an appetizer.”
“Give me the usual burger and fries I always get. And chips and salsa for an appetizer,” Maria said.
“Gotcha,” Dianne said, jotting it down on her phone. “Gary will bring it to you when it’s ready.”
She walked into the kitchen.
“So where do you even work anyway?” Maggie asked Maria.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Maria smirked, taking a sip of her wine.
“Geez,” Ana mumbled within earshot, across the bar. “How much do you commit to a lie?”
Maria turned to face her. “How much do YOU commit to a lie?”
“I don’t commit to shit,” Ana smirked. “But hey, I would be the same way if I felt embarrassed on national television too.”
Ashley choked on her water.
“I neverrrrrr told anyone to stop being friends with you,” Maria said.
“But you did! And now you wanna lie about having a job, but hey you actually did commit to that lie,” Ana said. “Fully committed.”
“First of all-” Maria began.
“Do you really have one?” Dianne asked, walking over to them holding her seagram.
“I don’t have to prove shit to you. I’m not gonna show you my fucking work address” Maria said.
“Alright Maria, alright,” Ana said. “I’m not the one mentally abusing multiple people, framing people for murder, actually committing murder-”
Juan turned to Maggie. “See, this is not what we talked about earlier.”
“Maria’s coming in hot,” Maggie whispered to him.
“Not coming in hot, Ana was the one who asked how much do I commit to a lie-” Maria began.
“IT’S MY OPINION,” Ana yelled.
“What are you, fucking stupid?” Dianne asked Maria.
Kaila choked on her wine.
“It’s either true or it’s not true. It’s not your opinion. Oh yeah? In my opinion, you’re an IDIOT,” Maggie yelled.
“Maggie!” Juan said.
“Your opinion doesn’t count, OOMPA LOOMPA,” Ana fired back.
“She’s not stupid,” Maggie said to Dianne.
“YOU’RE STUPID TOO!” Dianne yelled.
“No that’s fine, all of that is fine,” Maria began. “I just remember you used to be like “I don’t understand why I can’t find a man” “I don’t understand why my parents coddle me” “I don’t understand why everyone in high school hated me” THERE WAS A REASON, DIANNE. STOP DISRESPECTING YOURSELF.”
“I never disrespected myself, what about you ruining every relationship and friendship you ever had?” Dianne began.
“I respect my daughter and I respect my ex-husband,” Maria growled. She pointed at Ana. “AND YOU TAKE NOTES TOO, MOTHER FUCKER.
“I take notes?! I TAKE NOTES?!?!” Ana screamed.
“You thought you were so fucking slick on the Midnight Show when you mentioned Ariana WITHOUT mentioning the fact that you killed her,” Maria sneered. “I look like a huge villain because I killed Dan when my emotion was being controlled by Lucas. But you? You killed Ariana. In cold blood.”
“You bitch,” Ashley began. “We were there. It was SELF DEFENSE.”
“You think I WANTED to stand there and fight her? It was my first press event since becoming a fucking voice actress! Which has been my dream since forever. She attacked me and wanted to kill me. She could’ve ruined everything,” Ana said. “You’re just being a cunt because you’re deflecting on your own shit.”
“How am I deflecting? I got a job! I’m OWNING MY SHIT,” Maria yelled, slamming on the table.
“I’M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW,” Ana yelled.”Your daughter has seen you like this and doesn’t even wanna fucking be around you!”
“HOW DARE YOU BRING OSA INTO THIS” Maria screamed.
Right on cue, Darlene teleported inside. All the pets with her.
Everyone cheered “SURPRISE!!”
“Awwww!” Darlene giggled happily.
----------------------END CREDITS----------------------------
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Earth Helps Back, Part 1: A Dreadful Partnership
Hello friends! I am very pleased to share the results of my collaboration with @nemeankitten! I wrote the fic, the two pieces of art are by nemean as are some of the headcannons used! Hope you enjoy!
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Epilogue
Title: Earth Helps Back
Summary: When Aziraphale and Crowley finally receive punishment for trying to save the Earth, they find unexpected help from new allies who decide it’s time for Earth to repay the favour.
Rating: Explicit
Word Count: 30k
On AO3
WARNING: THIS FIC CONTAINS GORE AND TORTURE. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. this particular chapter also has a rape trigger warning
Somewhere on Earth under the gentle light of a full moon, a huge, celestial figure swaddled in white robes and six pairs of wings waited. Impatient is not exactly the right word to describe its stance, the shift of its feet, the way it peered at the treetops. It was more…expectant.
The Metatron did not often come down from Heaven, but he had made a habit of never refusing a summons.
There was a sound nearby like a horde of locusts all taking to the air at once, the throbbing hum of a million pairs of tiny wings beating out of synch. Beelzebub materialised directly from the shadows, stepping over the brush to face the Metatron in the middle of the clearing.
Beelzebub’s hand rested on the scabbard of his sword. The Metatron was armed with nothing more threatening than a rosary, but nonetheless the Voice of God looked unperturbed. “You asked for a meeting?”
Beelzebub buzzed disgustingly. Barely distinguishable in the half-light, his skin seemed to be moving faintly.
“We beg you to make this as fast as convenient,” the Metatron hummed. “So we do not have to look at your repulsive face for longer than is necessary.”
“Fine,” Beelzebub snapped. “If your conztitution izz really zo delicate. I have a great need to dizcuzz what happened at the rebellion of my mazter’z zon, the boy Adam Young.”
The Metatron moved a hand to his veiled face, smiling politely. “That’s not my jurisdiction, I’m afraid,” he said softly. “Adam Young belongs to Hell. We have no authority over him, beyond what is written in God’s plan about his role to play in Armag—”
“Yezz, I know,” Beelzebub said, and flinched to dislodge a fly crawling over his eye. “It izz not about him; it izz about the two who aided him.”
The Metatron’s eyes narrowed. “Ah, yes. Those two.”
“The one from our zide is a demon of temptation named Crowley,” offered Beelzebub.
“We know who they both are,” said the Metatron, face locked in a perpetual ghost of a smile.
Beelzebub sneered, revealing a cockroach that had been perching on his teeth. “If you know zzo much, then you muzt know why I azked you here?”
“Mmm, afraid not,” said the Metatron mildly. “So if you could…?”
Beelzebub huffed in an annoyed way and plopped down on a log. He took out his sword and started to wipe it down, despite the fact that it was not dirty. In truth, he just wanted to avoid looking into the Metatron’s eyes. “Heaven and Hell are not azz different azz everyone likez to think, you know.”
“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said the Metatron, voice flat. “Heaven and Hell are as different as night and day. One is pure, holy, and—”
“All right, all right,” said Beelzebub. “Zpare me the grandiozze monologue. I don’t care. My point izz, both of uz need order and obedienzze from our zubordinatezz to function. And if we don’t have it, order will collapze.” Beelzebub stopped polishing his sword and looked up at the Metatron. “Or am I wrong about that too?”
The Metatron hesitated. He did not want to agree with Beelzebub about anything, but he also did not want to lie.
“What happened at Armageddon waz the rezult of dizobedienze,” said Beelzebub. “Crowley and hiz angelic partner in crime threaten to turn the natural order on itz head.”
“I’d say Adam Young already did a pretty thorough job at that,” said the Metatron.
“They openly questioned uzz to our facezz, and with an audienzze!” Beelzebub said. “No demon in zix-thouzand yearz haz ever had the audazity to do that to me. Haz any angel?”
The Metatron was silent.
“We muzt ztamp thiz out az bezt az we can. Get it under control before it goezz any further,” said Beelzebub. “It will give otherz ideaz. Neither Heaven nor Hell will profit from the collapzze of zupernatural order. It’z true that Adam Young is the real culprit. But we can’t touch him. Leave him to our dark lord Zzz…Satan.”
“Your dark lord,” said the Metatron wryly.
“We can’t touch Adam Young, but we can touch thoze two. If we deal with them appropriately, it zhould give the otherz an idea about the conzequenzez of rebellion. Get them properly zcared again.”
The Metatron crossed his arms. “And you’ve called us here to discuss it because…why? You want this to be a joint effort?”
“You muzt punizh the angel while I handle Crowley,” said Beelzebub. “We can’t juzzt do one. They feed off each other. They help each other.”
“They do seem….inordinately fond of each other,” said Metatron. “We had noticed that.”
“There hazz been conzern it will make otherz in our rankz queztion the rulez,” said Beelzebub. “And queztion their zzuperiorz. On both zidez. It would be mutually beneficial to ztamp it out together. And…” Beelzebub sheathed his sword and stood. “I’m zzure you wouldn’t be averse to doling out a little perzonal attention to Aziraphale after what he did. You muzt have been punizhed for failing to ztart Armageddon as inzztructed, correct?”
The Metatron’s eyes widened, and his face contorted into anger. “How do you know about that?”
“Becauzze,” said Beelzebub, oozing forwards. “I wazz alzo.”
The Metatron managed to return his face back to a blank mask. “Maybe demons are motivated by things like the desire for petty revenge, but angels have no such inclination.”
Beelzebub smiled wickedly. “Mmm-hmm. I am zzure.” He took another step closer. “But if you were to, zzay, punizh your zzubordinate, and if you were to, zzay, do it a little harder than ztrictly nezezzary, would anyone zay anything? Would anyone care?”
Metatron stared at him.
“Doez anyone really care what happenz to Aziraphale and Crowley?” said Beelzebub.
The Metatron thought very, very hard. He had been uncomfortable with the state of affairs since having his understanding of the Ineffable Plan questioned at Armageddon, and he suddenly realised a very satisfying and clean way to stamp out the seed of rebellion he had sensed growing in Aziraphale. “No…” he chimed. “I suppose not.”
“I want to talk to Beelzebub.”
For what felt like the thousandth time that day, Crowley tugged at the manacles on his wrists, but he only succeeded in once again pulling the sharp metal to dig into his wrists. He had been blindfolded since coming in and had no idea the circumstances of his confinement, but the other demons who had been assigned to torture him were doing a bang-up job of making him loathe every single thing he could hear.
He was laid out on something cold and made of stone, and his arms were bent back and locked in a painful position, and that was basically all he knew.
“He wants to talk to Beelzebub,” said a snide voice. This prompted titters of laughter from elsewhere in the room. Judging by the sounds alone, there had to be at least four other demons in the room with him. The attention being paid to him made him more nervous than the eventuality of torture, in a way.
He wished he could at least see them. He didn’t recognise their voices, but knowing their identities might have given him an edge in trying to talk his way out of this. But no, they had gone straight for the damn blindfold.
Crowley shifted, wishing they had at least let him keep his clothes on. “B-Beelzebub summoned me. He said he needed to talk to me about something. I don’t think he’d be happy to f-find out you kept me from—”
He broke off as a hand seized him by the hair, dragging him forward until his arms hyperextended, chains taut. He felt a warm hand on his stomach.
“If you think Beelzebub doesn’t know exactly where you are and what’s happening to you,” said the same voice, “then you’re even more foolish than you look.”
The hands released him, and he fell back onto whatever hard surface was underneath of him. He tried to control his breathing, but he was starting to spiral into panic. “He said he wanted to talk to me—”
“Obviously you are not familiar with the way Lord Beelzebub communicates,” said a second voice, which prompted another round of snickers from everyone in the room.
Crowley shifted again, struggling to find a position that minimised his discomfort.
He felt something sharp prickling at his lower back. “S-stop that.”
“Lay him flat,” said a third voice. “I have an idea.”
Ideas from Hell were never any good, in Crowley’s opinion, unless they were from Crowley himself. However, Crowley doubted the idea happened to be Unchain him and let him go immediately, which was the idea he currently thought was the only good one.
The chains shifted slightly, and a pair unseen hands forced him onto his back, pressed against the cool stone.
“Spread his legs.”
Crowley groaned as clawed hands dug into his thighs, pulling them apart. “W-wait,” he said, trying to kick out, but without much success.
He heard the sound of metal on stone, a fire igniting, and something sizzling.
“Oh fuck,” said Crowley, voice jumping up an octave. “Wait wait wait wait—”
“I don’t think he likes the sound of that,” said one of the voices, and there were more laughs.
“There’s been a mistake somewhere, I know there has,” said Crowley as quickly as he could make his mouth form words. “If I could just talk to Beelzebub I’m sure he’ll clear everything up. If you could just—there’s been a—He said he needed to talk to me urgently.”
“You’ll speak to Beelzebub in due time,” said another voice. “But he’s a busy man.”
“We’ll take good care of you in the meantime,” said another voice, and a pair of hands pressed down on his shoulders, stifling his wriggling.
He heard the sound of hot metal again, and then a pair of footsteps coming closer to him.
“Fuck,” wept Crowley, “wait, please—”
As soon as he felt the scorching pressure between his legs, Crowley flailed and screamed and tried to break free, but the claws holding him down sunk in deeper.
All intelligent thought was scrambled in his brain, blotted out by the white-hot pain racking through him. The metal pushed in deeper, slowly, like a vicious simulacrum of a gentle lover.
Crowley thrashed to the very limit of his physical capability. “Please! Stop!”
“Aww, stop?” said a voice. “But we’re just getting started. We have so many fun things planned for you.”
Crowley had excused himself partway through the evening, saying he had an urgent message from his higher-ups that he should probably see to, though somebody knows how much he’d rather stay here drinking, but you can only ignore them for so long, you know—
Aziraphale bade him good night, then went upstairs to find his own urgent summons from Heaven on his desk almost simultaneously. The parchment sent an ominous feeling through his stomach, but he ignored it, because lying to himself about his feelings was one of the things Aziraphale did best.
Sure that everything was going to be fine, he went up to Heaven as commanded. He found the Metatron waiting for him exactly where indicated.
The Metatron smiled at him as he came into sight. “Aziraphale,” he said softly. “Good to see you. Thank you for coming up so quickly.”
“Of course,” said Aziraphale. He really did feel a rising sense of unease like a tidal wave beating over him, telling him he ought to run, but once again he forced it down.
“Please follow us,” said the Metatron. “There’s something very important we need to talk about.”
“All right,” said Aziraphale.
The Metatron led him through Heaven, beating his wings gracefully, moving almost completely silently. Aziraphale desperately wanted to ask for details of what this encounter was about, but he was thinking back now to the last time he had spoken to the Metatron and thought he probably shouldn’t do anything else to get on his bad side.
The Metatron didn’t seem particularly upset with him. But then again, it was rare for the Metatron to seem particularly feeling any way about anything.
Aziraphale soon found himself escorted into a plain white room with a plush couch. The door disappeared behind him as he entered.
The Metatron extended one hand and motioned to the couch. “Please lie down, Aziraphale.”
“O-okay,” said Aziraphale, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.
He lay back on the couch. Immediately, the Metatron’s aura surged outwards, and Aziraphale’s entire corporation went slack, his head lolling. To his supreme alarm, he could not re-engage any of the connections to his body.
He lay there completely paralyzed, feeling the Metatron’s aura rolling over him, prodding and examining him like a pinned insect.
Aziraphale’s body continued breathing on its own. His eyes were the only thing he could move, and they flew around the room wildly, but all he could see was the ceiling, bright and harsh. He tried again to take control of his limbs, but he slid right off where he had been previously been able to connect to them, as though he were clawing at a newly closed door with no knob.
Slowly, the Metatron’s half-obscured face moved into his field of vision, smiling that polite smile. “Tell me something, Aziraphale,” he said, and fresh horror washed over Aziraphale as he felt the Metatron’s aura constricting his like a snake. “What exactly compelled you to talk back and humiliate me in front of Beelzebub? In front of the Antichrist? In front of Heaven’s legions?”
Aziraphale, of course, could not answer. The Metatron’s lip twitched in what might have approached a laugh, if the Metatron had had any sense of humour. “I’m sorry. I was just curious. But I suppose curiosity doesn’t have much use in the grand scheme of things, does it?”
Aziraphale felt the Metatron’s icy aural fingers prying into his corporation. He retreated deeper inside himself, withdrawing his angelic essence from his body’s extremities, balling up in his core, shrinking away from the invasion.
He felt the Metatron’s presence in his body, pressing against him, and he tried to pull away, to regain some sense of autonomy. But the Metatron tapped at his metaphysical form with one tendril of glowing aura, and there was nowhere to retreat.
Tell me, Aziraphale, said the Metatron. Or rather thought at him, because now Aziraphale was disconnected from his body’s senses and he couldn’t see nor hear the Metatron’s physical form, only the part of it that was intruding on him. Did you forget that there are consequences for your actions? Have you forgotten exactly what kind of power I have over you? Do you think you can do whatever you please without suffering for it?
Aziraphale bounced back and forth between the edges of the corporation, but Metatron was blocking the way out of it. And Aziraphale felt sharp, cold hands stick in his mind, grabbing him.
Out of all the possible thoughts that could have drifted to the surface of his mind, Aziraphale was a bit surprised at the one that materialised. It was, Crowley would never do anything this horrible to me.
The Metatron, appendages wrapped around Aziraphale like a spider, seized the thought and tore it out from him.
The action sent a chill of white-hot pain through Aziraphale, and he pulsed and tried to cry out, but the only outlet to express his agony was his communication link with the Metatron, who of course already knew.
Go on, said the Metatron. What were you saying?
Where Aziraphale’s last thought should have been, there now seemed to be a gaping hole. He could feel the Metatron absorbing the bit of glowing aura he had just torn off Aziraphale, the thought sinking down, lost forever.
What…what are you going to do to me? Aziraphale asked.
He braced himself, cowering, stuck in place, as he felt the Metatron rifling through his conscious mind, like ungentle hands dumping out the contents of a desk. Oh, I’m simply going to remove everything I find that’s inappropriate for an angel in your position.
Wh…what?
I hardly think anyone would deny it’s best for the Heavenly Kingdom, said Metatron. And if it just so happens to cause you a bit more suffering than strictly necessary, well…that’s what it means to be a servant of Heaven, yes? Suffering cleanses the soul.
What are you talking about?
Aziraphale tried to pull away again as the Metatron went deeper, pinning him to the wall and forcefully tearing out the memory of drinking with Crowley just before coming up to Heaven.
You’re a piece in a well-oiled machine, Aziraphale, said the Metatron, with another yank at Aziraphale’s essence. You’d do well to remember that. Anything that is not useful will be…burned away.
Aziraphale whimpered as he felt the Metatron tearing out huge swathes of his memories, his personality, his will.
Please no, said Aziraphale. Please…
He yelped as he felt a particularly precious memory yanked away, the time he and Crowley got drunk in the back room and Crowley convinced Aziraphale to try and stop Armageddon through reminders of sushi and snuffboxes.
I don’t want to forget him, said Aziraphale, absolutely panic-stricken, feeling everything about who he was slipping away like sand through a sieve. I don’t want to forget about loving the Earth. Please. Mercy.
Oh, you’ll remember, said the Metatron, and no one in history had ever heard his voice drip with such dark, sadistic delight. You’ll remember that you used to be close with him, and you’ll remember how much you used to enjoy Earth, but you won’t remember why. And you’ll remember just enough to feel sad about it.
The next few weeks passed as a blur for Aziraphale. He had no conception of the time passing or where he was, in a fog until he looked around and hazily noticed that he was standing at the gates of Heaven, with no memory of how he had gotten there.
A pair of crossed arms draped in ropes blocked his gaze. His eyes drifted upwards until he saw the Metatron’s face, looking at him expectantly, as though waiting for an answer.
Aziraphale let his eyes wander all around. He was trying very hard not to cry. He was trying very hard to remember one single coherent thing about himself. There was a ragged hole where he thought his personality was supposed to be, as though he were an electronic device that had been factory-reset.
“Well?” the Metatron finally prompted after a few moments.
Aziraphale let his gaze drift back up to the Metatron, feeling completely lost, adrift at sea in a rowboat without a paddle.
The Metatron bent down to force Aziraphale to look into his eyes. “Have we made our point effectively, Aziraphale?” he said gently.
Aziraphale returned the stare blankly. His eyes started to rove again. The Metatron snapped his fingers in front of his face and said, “No, look over here.”
Aziraphale did so.
“We will repeat ourselves,” said the Metatron. “You will contact the demon Crowley one more time, to tell him that you will not talk to him anymore, and after that, he will be a target to kill on sight. Additionally, you are not to eat anything besides daily bread or drink anything other than communion wine. And you’ll be summoned here for another visit if your devotion to your angelic duties does not show marked improvement. You are to purge all Earthly attachments. Do you understand?”
“B-but…” said Aziraphale, the protest dying halfway between his brain and his mouth. He couldn’t remember what he would miss by following those orders.
Metatron let his face slip into a scowl. “Earth is not for your enjoyment, Aziraphale. You are not there to enjoy it. Demons are not there for you to befriend. Humans are not there to be friends with you, either. You are a servant. That’s all you are. That’s all you’ll ever be. Now. Do you understand?”
Aziraphale nodded, eyes safely on the ground.
“Good. Now return to your post.”
Aziraphale spread his wings and drifted back down towards Earth. The action caused none of the feelings of homecoming that it usually did, but Aziraphale couldn’t place what was off. He just felt a certain hollowness in his chest.
Crowley lost track of any sense of time. All demons know how to handle torture as a general rule, since it comes with the job, but this was unlike anything that had been done to him before. He was sure they must not have been aware of the full effect of what they were doing, because surely not even Hell would inflict this kind of agony on anyone knowingly, in so many different ways, and for such a length of time.
Crowley had been tortured before, but he had never, ever sincerely wished that he could die, never in his life before this.
The thing about being immortal is that you cannot die even if you want to. And certain causes of death, when brought about without the actual death at the end as a release, will simply drag on and on in a stasis, unable to be resolved, teetering on an unnatural boundary just before death, but unable to cross over.
For example, a being who can technically survive without breathing, but for whom holding their breath eventually does become painful all the same due to the sheer physiological needs of their vessel, could be held suspended at the threshold of drowning for a theoretically infinite duration.
Or for however many weeks, months, or years one’s captors deemed appropriate.
Beelzebub strolled down Hell’s dark stone hallways, feeling an immense sense of satisfaction in his work and the work of his underlings. The sound of water lapping against a cave wall grew louder and louder as he moved.
His boots clacked against the stone as he reached his destination. A pit filled with water lay in front of him, and a simple line of rope drew up from it to a hook in the ceiling, which connected to a winch right by his foot.
Beelzebub just stood there for a moment, basking in the dingy environment and listening to the cold water dripping and slapping against the stone.
Finally, he turned the hand crank on the winch, and the rope started to draw up slowly. Eventually, the end of the rope appeared, tied to a pair of bruised wrists.
Beelzebub let his victim rest like that for a few moments, with just his arms above the water, air so close and yet so infuriatingly impossible to reach. The hands started making a grabbing motion, and the rope shuddered with tension as the weight it held moved around.
Beelzebub relented and turned the winch the rest of the way. Crowley’s head appeared above water, dark hair plastered down his face, and he immediately retched violently, body shaking with the effort of clearing his lungs, vomiting water and then desperately sucking in huge gulps of air.
Beelzebub squatted down so that he could lock eyes with Crowley, who was still chest-deep in water. Crowley’s golden eyes, filled with fear, flickered up to his superior’s face.
“Have you learned your lezzon?” said Beelzebub. He smiled, and a fly crawled over his lips.
Shivering and heaving, Crowley looked down at Beelzebub’s feet.
Beelzebub frowned. “Crowley. Anzwer me.”
“Yes,” Crowley said quietly.
Beelzebub’s frown deepened. He put his hand on the winch and started to lower it back down.
Crowley immediately came to life, thrashing and screaming. “Yes! Yes! Fuck! Yes!”
Satisfied, Beelzebub turned the winch all the way up so that Crowley’s body came up all the way out of the water. The weight that had been tied to his legs to hold him down came up next, and Beelzebub grabbed it and dragged him over onto solid ground, untying him.
Crowley shuddered, trying to stand on his own and failing miserably. Beelzebub grabbed his arm tightly, layering another bruise on top of his already impressive collection. The bigger demon hauled him up, then leaned right into his face.
“Do not queztion me again. Do not dizobey Hell. Do not even think about humiliating me like that ever again.”
“Yesss,” panted Crowley, head resting on the wall, feeling utterly drained like he had never had before. “Yesss. Pleassse. Anything.”
Beelzebub held out a small scroll. “Here are your inztructionz. Now get out of my zzight before I change my mind.”
Crowley took the scroll and staggered out as fast as he could.
1. The only contact you will have with the angel Aziraphale will be aggressive in nature. You are to kill him if the opportunity presents itself.
2. You are not allowed to sleep.
3. You are not allowed to eat or drink anything other than water.
4. You are not allowed to engage in sexual activity with others or to masturbate, and you are not allowed to manifest genitals, except when it is necessary for a mission given to you by a direct superior.
5. All activities you carry out while on Earth will be directly for the advancement of the Kingdom of Darkness. You must provide accountability and justification for all activities. You will be monitored periodically to ensure your reports are accurate. Your use of miracles is being monitored and you will be required to provide a written justification for each use and how it contributes to your current project for the glory of our Dark Master, Lord Satan.
Failure to follow these guidelines will result in another visit to Hell to answer for your motivations.
Those were the contents of the scroll. It seemed like an awful lot of words to say If you try to do anything for enjoyment, I’ll beat the shite out of you.
Crowley’s immediate instinct was to grab a bottle of wine and get smashed as fast as inhumanly possible. The irony was not lost on him.
He managed to claw his way back up to Earth at three in the morning, smelling of brimstone and blood and looking like literal and metaphorical Hell. The only humans he saw were a couple who rushed to cross to the other side of the street when he limped into view.
He wanted to go back to his flat, but he was afraid whoever was monitoring him would take issue with him having even that modicum of comfort.
So he just stood there on the dark street, wishing that it was raining so he could tell himself these weren’t tears on his face. He slipped his mobile out of his pocket and dialed Aziraphale’s number.
“Hello?” answered a voice, sounding faint and vague in an unfamiliar way.
“Angel,” said Crowley softly. He was shocked by how hoarse his own voice came out and realised dully it must have been from all the screaming.
“Oh, hello,” said Aziraphale foggily. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Been in Hell.”
“They only let you out just now?”
“Yeah.” The tears dripped from his chin. “Aziraphale, I think it’d be best if…i-if we didn’t see each other again.”
There was a very long pause on the other end. Then: “I think so too.”
“So,” said Crowley. “That’s it, then?”
“I’m afraid so.”
Crowley sniffled and was about to hang up, then put the phone back to his face. “For what it’s worth…”
“Yes?”
“I liked it. Our arrangement. It was good.”
“Likewise,” Aziraphale choked out. He just barely managed to resist adding my dear on the end in case the Metatron was listening, as though his voice wasn’t thick with sadness, as though it wasn’t damn obvious to anyone listening what his feelings were.
“I…had fun,” said Crowley. “I mean, I thought it was nice. Being friends.”
“You think we were friends?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“You think people like us can do that? Have friends? Real friends?”
Crowley looked up at the sky. He didn’t think he had any tears left. He had put on a blank, emotionless mask. “No…I suppose not.”
He pulled the phone down, when he remembered the wording of his instructions. Aggressive in nature.
He put it back to his face and said, “I’ll kill you if—”
The phone was already on a dial tone. He was glad Aziraphale hadn’t heard that part. And he hung up, tossed the phone onto the sidewalk, and walked off into the night.
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BOO BACK AGAIN. D00MBUG WDY EDITION
🤥💥😭👊💤🎂🙊🙉🙈🍀💧🌌📢🎀
JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY ETE !!!!!!!!!!!!! UR KILLIN ME HERE /POS
okok. silly guy time
🤥 LYING - are they good liars? do they have tells to show they’re lying?
oh god no, theyre awful at it. they can tell a good lie if they try hard enough, or if they need to, but just in general? absolutely not, theyve got too many tellz to count.
💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?
similarly to their au counterpart, anger! though thiz d00mbug iz better at fear and frustration, anger iz consistently a problem for them
😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?
mmm. thiz bug haz... rsd. /hj. they dont cry very easily, but if itz about something they love saying or doing something that they perceive az hurtful, theyll like, hold it in until theyre somewhere else and then just sit there like. ":'] im fine" <-- lying
👊 PUNCH - are they quick to violence?
oh for sure. verrryyy very quick to violence if they think someone deservez it. yknow the saying "dont start fightz, but end them?" yeah they do both. they start AND end the fightz.
💤 SLEEPING - do they fall asleep easily? what helps them sleep?
hell no lol. they dont usually sleep simply bcoz they dont Have to, but sometimez theyll just like. plop down next to a friend and conk the fuck out. thatz the only way theyll ever sleep - if a friend iz nearby.
🎂 BIRTHDAY CAKE - when is their birthday? do they like celebrating it?
they dont really have a birthday? they didnt keep track of the day they were made, but if someone askz theyll usually either say they dont have one, or bullshit a new date every time. theyll only really celebrate it if someone else doez for them.
🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don’t want to show other people?
they eat code. ill let you imagine the rest.
🙊 SPEAK-NO-EVIL - what is something your oc will refuse to stay quiet about?
leaving that damn wii !!! bitch wantz OUT they wanna go BITE SHIT and PLAY GAMEZ THAT ARENT WII GAMEZ they want OUTE!!!!
🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone?
mmm. situational. if itz from a stranger, theyd have to try their damn best to get under their skin. but friendz? just a simple "i hate you" can COMPLETELY undo them.
🍀 CLOVER - do they believe in luck? are they lucky?
yes and kind of. they DO believe in luck, though not thingz like lucky horseshoez or the like [cloverz are an exception lol]. but their luck... variez, lol.
💧 DROPLET - random angst headcanon
sam, when she becomez aware of their existence in the wii, doeznt update it for YEARZ. shez afraid of what any bugfixez will do to d00mbug, and for good reason. you know how sometimez, if you dont update an electronic for so long, it kinda force updatez all at once? :] well. :] yknow. :]. if that were to ever happen, then d00mbug would be effectively erased from existence. theyd die almost Painfully, in the span of a few secondz, and then POOF. nothing left. there wouldnt even be a trace of them having ever been there.
🌌 MILKY WAY - what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?
when i waz making them i waz like ok. i want a wdy sona/oc. but i also want to be COOL. so i waz like... okay well ive seen ppl make other miiz and yknow virusez and stuff so i waz like. why not make a bug? like an actual bug in the code, not JUST an insect [though they do have buglike propertiez out of coincidence lol]. so from there thatz how i made them :] their outfit waz the first thing i decided and if youve seen my current sona then you know Exactly what it iz lol. it influenced a lot.
📣 MEGAPHONE - how loud are they? what do they speak like? got a voice claim?
veeeery loud. they dont really have a sense of volume control. they speak almost cartoonishly sometimez, though usually thatz only when messing with people- theyre often very toned down when alone or with friendz. theyre somewhat glitchy sounding - like CM during samz story, but like. toned down and to the left? i dont exactly have a voice claim for them lol i just imagine them az a deeper vers of me with fucked up glitchez n effectz n shit that get worse when theyre pissy.
🎀 RIBBON - how would they fit into other worlds / aus? what aus would you like to try out? what fictional world would they fit / not fit into?
well. they ARE kinda a sona. so TECHNICALLY, they ARE in other mediaz/auz if i have a sona there too.
lol no but in all seriousness thiz d00mbug specifically would be such a nuisance in some auz/worldz. medieval worldz? wouldnt last a day [no electronicz to stay in]. but sci-fi? or mediaz where robotz/androidz are a regular occurance? yeah theyll cause so many problemz. they WILL eat ur highly important code and they WILL laugh about it after.
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