#and and i've convince my mom

[orikeepitasecret]

The er is fucking boring.

Somebody ask me about Tim Drake or something.

#I'm convinced my workplace poisoned me so here i am #it speaks #god i don't wanna be here #i hate the hospital i do not wanna be in it #my poor dad spent all day at a cancer clinic with my mom and now he's waiting in the parking lot for me to get seen #i wanna go hooome #i wanna go to sleep #i wanna be with my mom #my conspiracy theory is that I've had exposure to propane and carbon monoxide and my blood disease is making worse #yes i am posting this and hopes of getting attention I'm bored and want a social interaction

[xannerz]

#everything is terrible. my mom's nosy and paranoid. her bp spiked so much yday she had to take her emergency pill for it. #ill be out of town starting tomorrow and im afraid to leave her. she's just. unreal rn. i messaged my aunt to keep an eye on her for me. #she keeps spiraling into actual anxiety/panic attacks bc she's convinced i've been influenced by predatory lesbians online #ik it sounds goofy but i hope i get hit by a truck so it's not really that funny to me bc i'm the one dealing with it #ive been considering asking if i can go on a brief leave of absence in jan but i'm already about to go on a week of pto. #idk what our general leave policies are and my family relies on my income so (: #im venting but i really do wanna die. i'm being hydraulically pressed into nothingness by my job and family lmao #xangoeswah

[torchickentacos]

anxiety 🤝 the mosquito in my room: won't go away and let me live my life in peace

#i've been trying to get rid of this mosquito since last night #and i've been trying to get rid of the anxiety since i was eight KGSDSJKFHGDKJ #Neither are working right now. #ok to rb #like i cannot socialize right now. i hate when my anxiety does this #the rsd is on such a hairpin trigger that i just. can't do the whole talking to people thing right now. #so we're just gonna have me time (cough. isolating) tonight!!! is that fun? not really but it's better than the alternatives #like i KNOW i am loved and appreciated #but some days my brain is insistent on convincing me otherwise which isn't fair to ANYONE #got stressed bc my mom was too quiet around me. like i KNOW she's just tired so we're just gonna not be around people #until my brain can stop deciding poeple hate me because they like. looked at me weird or passed the food too aggressively to my brain #so we're on break until i sleep this off #posting doesn't count though. i can still yell into the void

[anipgarden]

Ani Reviews: Hellstrip Gardening

Alrighty homies here's another Informal Book Review. This is the second time I've done a book review, but I hope this is helpful!

[Photo ID: a book, titled "Hellstrip Gardening: Create a paradise between the sidewalk and the curb" by Evelyn J. Hadden (Author of Beautiful No-Mow Yards) With photographs by Joshua McCullough, Foreword by Lauren Springer Ogden]

Out of the seven books I checked out from the library this round, I picked this one second because not only was I looking forward to the read, but so were some friends in my gardening server! Its one of, if not the longest book in the stack--the main contents are 279 pages total--but its definitely well worth the read! You can see where I live blogged it here.

The inspiration and energy in this book is potent! By the time I finished reading the foreword and the introduction, I was already dreaming up new gardening projects to work on next spring, and that energy stayed up all the way until the end! It definitely helps that the photos in this book are absolutely gorgeous! Seriously, even if you aren't wanting to make a front yard garden, I'd recommend this book for cool garden photos alone! This is another one of those books that's way more relevant if you're the home owner, or a landscaper (or just got permission from your parents to do some front yard gardening), but even still so much of the advice in this book is great for just about any kind of gardening as well! Between beautiful photos of front yard gardens others have already done, tons of encouragement and advice on how to handle anything from trees to poor soils to outdated laws and HOA boards, and a deluge of plant recommendations for different grow zones and purposes, it's definitely a valuable resource!

After the introduction, this book is separated into four major sections referred to as Parts. There's Inspirations, Situations, Creation, and Curbside-Worthy Plants. If you're looking for ideas on what a converted yard can look like, Inspirations and Creation is the place to go. If you're unsure how to do so with any specific circumstances you may be facing, Situations is the section for you. So on and so forth. All in all, between the gorgeous photos, and the amazing content, this was a fairly quick read for me!

I will say, this is a book aimed directly for gardeners in the US. While some of the general advice might be good for people abroad, at the end of the day its a book written in an American perspective for gardeners in America. That being said, it focuses on America as a whole--so if you're hoping for a dedicated section on how to do what you want in your state specifically, you might get lucky, you might get unlucky. I know the example garden for my state wasn't anything I'd be excited about, meanwhile there's three sample gardens for Minnesota (two in Minneapolis) and there's only twelve sample gardens in the book! Also, if you're looking for a book to tell you to only ever use native plants in your garden, this isn't the one--the book will eagerly encourage you use native plants, and will implore you to remove any invasive plants that may be on your property, but is also more than welcome to recommending well behaved non-native plants. Let it be known that I don't think this is a problem at all! But if you're picky about that, I'm just letting that be known.

Oh and also one final note. The book is called Hellstrip Gardening, and it does talk about hellstrips, but it doesn't only talk about hellstrips. A good chunk of the example gardens don't even have hellstrips. This book talks plenty about full yard transformation! Which I find fantastic and enlightening! If you're looking for a book that's only about hellstrips, though, this isn't it.

All in all, this is an amazing book with amazing photos, 10/10 could probably show to someone to get them to see the light of front yard gardens.

#ani reviews #ani rambles #out of queue #hellstrip gardening #I think another cool thing about this book is that it--albeit briefly--addresses some of the fears people might have about converted yards #like it doesn't go into full detail about all of them but it at least acknowledges it #which is honestly better than what a lot of articles i've read or the other book I've read in this stack have done #and granted the info they gave about alleviating tick fears isn't anything I haven't heard off a headspace hotel post #but it is nice to see it acknowledged in a published work! #still not sure if I would be able to convince My Mom to do something like this #because outside of 'wide paths' it gives no advice about Snakes and thats probably my mom's biggest concern outside of 'yard is lawn is gra #and my previous google search attempts yielded Nothing Helpful in that front #but thats less of a flaw of the book itself and more of a 'hurdle i personally gotta figure out' #i am getting off topic lets end the tags here gbye

[sevicia]

What if there was an old man dying from cancer and his last wish was for his "daughter" to shave "her" legs ... ?

#cancer m #diary #he's literally crying screaming throwing up abt it #IK that a side effect of whatever his treatment is is that he's a lot more sensitive #but it's just like . he's been forcing me to shave my legs for the summer since I was like . 11 #and I mean FORCING like he would throw tantrums when I refused and/or bother my mom about it nonstop #like literally none of them understand that all I want is to be able to make my own decisions #especially regarding my OWN body #after I came out 2 my mom she tried to convince me by telling me that a lot of guys shave or just don't have a lot of body hair #as if that's the issue. #I'll just have to give in AGAIN because otherwise I'd be the heartless monster that doesn't comply when his dad cries about it #crying has never gotten me what I want. no one has spared me sympathy when I've been on the verge of breaking down #I can count the times I've broken down in front of anyone with one hand . but whatever #another day another way I have to put someone else's wants before mine #long-ass tags .... trying not to cry about it so I don't hit a whole new level of pathetic

[mwolf0epsilon]

Silent giggles ring deep in his chest as he presses the palm of his hand tightly over his mouth. It's late. He's not really allowed to be up late, and he delights in this knowledge.

It's not that he indulges in mischief often. Tulpa is nothing if not a good child. Eager to learn, never one to be contrary, and above all else mindful of treating others kindly rather than taking pleasure in being purposefully naughty like some of the other kids in town.

But even he gets his moments of boyish boldness. Even he has the sudden urge to go wandering off on little adventures.

Socked feet tiptoing along as he avoids every creaky floorboard, the groaning steps on the stairs, keeps himself flat to walls and an eye on all hiding places. He smiles behind his hand, keeping himself as quiet as possible.

His many ba'vodu'e have sharp hearing. Always alert. He's learned to sneak past them with relative ease.

It's his father he never manages to creep away from unnoticed. He always knows. He always finds him.

But tonight he hasn't come stalking out of his room yet. Steps quiet enough not to disturb his siblings, but also loud enough to let him know he's on the prowl. His father never admits it, but he gets a thrill out of it too.

Tonight Tulpa thinks he might have won their little game of cat and mouse. The victory tastes sweet in the back of his throat, and the smile on his face threatens to split it in half.

Until he finds his father seated at the kitchen table. Knuckles white around the mug he's clasping far too tightly, half its contents spilled on the tablecloth. Eyes vacant and shiny with shedding tears that leave tracks on his much too pale face. There is this look of indescribable sorrow on his face, as if the world itself has crumpled around him and he's been forced to do nothing more than watch.

He doesn't blink. Doesn't see or hear Tulpa, even as he stands there with nowhere to hide. He doesn't move an inch. His father the statue with an intricate V carved on his face.

Ice prickling his heart and creeping up his spine, Tulpa sneak-runs back down the hall, up the stairs, to his room and into his bed. He clings tightly to a very confused Dog once he's got his bedsheets over the both of them. His heart beat so loud in his own ears that it drowns out the concerned croaking.

The haunted look on his father's face keeps him awake all night.

He doesn't feel mischievous for a very long while after that...

#eps writes #star wars #the clone wars #clone trooper dogma #clone ocs #clone cadet tulpa #dog the frog #sometimes I remember being very little and finding my mom disassociating in the kitchen at 4am #it's still one of the scariest memories I have of my mom made worse by the fact I've now been in her shoes #I think Tulpa would find himself in the same position I did all those years ago because Dogma would definitely hide how much he's hurting #especially when it relates to brothers he's been trying to convince himself that he hates when that's far from the truth #forceful intervention au

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[volk-swag-genitalia]

the prophetic dreams are getting much more concerning

#not a joke #so like im pretty damn convinced i have prophetic dreams #except one problem is they're not very straightforward #and i never really realize they are prophetic until its too late #i had a dream my lil brother attended the former school i used to study at and something bad would happen to him #i brushed it off at the time because i thought there would be no way in hell my parents would send me off to this school #years later they enrolled him in. #and well its an average school experience for him. some classmates are absolute jerks tho. but the main event in that dream didnt happen ye #because the main event happens at a school camping event. now im worried my brother would die at said camping event. but hey no camping yet #another instance was when i dreamt we went up the escalator up the mall we used to always go to #it was late into the pandemic at the time so i thought ''no way would we end up going'' but then i woke up to my mom announcing that #you guessed it #we were going to that mall #anyways those are a few instances. #right nowi had a dream i went out to lunch after college and snapped at a man for calling me ''ma'am'' because i mentally could not take it #and im scared now #with how i've been mentally. something like that WOULD happen. poor guy #but also i had a beard. why would he do that? #and the dream was also veryyy vivid. #granted not all of my dreams come true. #and i hope it STAYS that way #anyways aside from that i've also had recurring dreams of the ocean levels rising so bad that my home town ended up flooding and dissapeari #well i havent been having the flood dreams lately #that dream had two outcomes. in both outcomes people have adpated and started building a city that could take in the new environment #in one outcome they managed to build an underwater city to regain what was left of the cities that got submerged. people actually helped ea #h other and people were thriving. #in another outcome #society just ended up the same. all of the problems we had now carried on & we were eaten by the sun. except the sun was an eldritch being? #ok for sure that sun thing wont come true. or would it??? #nah. i mean according to what we know of the sun. nah.

[pumakaji64]

Had a harrowing start to my day today. My pain meds give me more nightmares then usual and last night I had this terrible awful nightmare where I was so paranoid that someone was going to break into my room and kill me that I sort of half-woke up still feeling terrified and anxious that someone was going to break in until I was able to reassure myself that the doors were locked and I was safe... then I really did wake up only to find my bedroom door open and my heart fucking dropped... until I turned to the side and saw someone had let my dog upstairs and he got into my room 😭

#talk about a whirlwind of emotions- he's not allowed to be up here btw since im still recovering but my mom brought him up last night lol #that was one of the worst anxiety attacks I ever had I was borderline hysterical because I was convinced someone was gonna break in #I've never experienced side effects that powerful from prescribed meds before wild

[my-t4t-romance]

GUESS WHO FINALLY CONVINCED HIS PARENTS TO LET HIM DELETE A MASSIVELY BATTERY-DRAINING, CONSTANTLY-MALFUNCTIONING PARENTAL CONTROLS VPN THAT HAD BEEN ON HIS PHONE FOR ≥6 YEARS!!!!!

#I am a WHOLE ADULT & it STILL took negotiating with my parents that I'll pursue Life Goals for this basic freedom but this is still a Win #TIL that whenever I told my parents what a dysfunctional battery-drain qustodio is mom assumed I was lying to convince her to get rid of it #or at the very least greatly exaggerating. but nope it was really that shitty (and really easy to work around) #that shit used to delete all apps except factory default EVERY NIGHT & return them to the home screen in the morning completely disorganized #it also blocked any websites or apps my parents hadn't whitelisted and imposed time limits on the ones they had #all this time I've had to use tumblr by turning the vpn off every minute or so when it automatically switches back on. hellish #even now I keep habitually checking if it's on before I hit post to make sure my typing won't just be lost #another perk is that I don't have to worry about my parents seeing every website I go to or search term I search #they can still see all my texts and get notifications when I text a number they haven't approved but who cares lol #I'm free!!! #mossy’s musings

[vpofcookies]

Funniest thing to me about Bee slowly morphing to become my sona is that like. If I chose a fursona it wouldn't be Bee. If I made a Bugsona I wouldn't choose a bee.

Bees aren't even my favorite minecraft mob

I literally just made a mc skin one day because I wanted to make a bee in a fancy coat and then the first time I got an ask I went 'yikes I don't have a sona yet and can't draw people! Uh! Bug!' And now I'm here

#like hate to break it to y'all but like??? #my mom is convinced that my favorite color is yellow and my favorite animal is a bee and neither of those things are true #and I've told her that idk why she still thinks that #but i guess I've done this to myself by drawing bee all the time

[heckling-hydrena]

concerned that I didn't get my roses a big enough pot and that they're currently having an "absorbing your twin in the womb" moment. stealing your twin's resources in the pot moment, if you will.

#I've got a red and white hybrid tea(I think? gonna be real they were supermarket flowers) #and my mom is worried because the red one isn't growing any branches yet #but I'm convinced that Whiteboy (they both need names but that's what I'm calling the white one in my head) is just precocious #not fr

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#ignore me i need to vent and be scared for a moment... #but i've been working my ass off today for a project that's paying me cents #and i've been debating the whole day how to explain to this client that moving forward i will have to charge more money for similar project #and i'm so so scared that it will mean losing this client cause i don't really have many regular clients and regular work #so it's scary to sound greedy (even tho i know it's not greedy) and i've been trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do #i've talked to my mom and she agrees which is huge cause she's always saying i need to be thankful for having work even if it's a lil cheap #but like now she even agrees that over 12hs work days including weekends are NOT being paid with my prices #so i'm so anxious about that and then i go on twitter and i see one movie poster and one chocolate bar wrapper made with ai #and i'm SO SCARED of the future #i went and chose the one career most easily replaced by ai #and i'm so anxious about what my future holds #but also my very near future when i have to tell this people that i can't work for nothing anymore #i hate money and i hate what it does to my head #money not only reaches the mind of those who have lots of it #it also reaches the mind of those who don't have it :// #i fucking hate this and i hate being an adult with a job #specially a freelance job where i am my own fucking boss and i set my own prices #cause i'm so fucking dumb and so easily taken advantage of #i shouldn't be saying this online lol but like i said... i'm dumb #angel talks #personal

[liebelesbe]

ok i have to think about this rationally & stop panicking so I can finally sleep. gonna talk to myself in the tags for a bit.

#ok so. no more 'but what if I'm faking it'. If I feel bad I Feel Bad. and I Feel Bad. #doesn't matter what my mom thinks or whatever I Feel Bad and definitely not good enough to ride a train for a few hours on sunday #and then go to school every day next week for multiple hours on a row. and walk to and from school. absolutely not. #I will simply have to call the doctor again and maybe show up for an appointment and we'll see what he says. #maybe I can convince him I actually don't feel good. I'll have to do that bc I don't have another choice ig. #who cares what the ppl at work think if maybe in 2 weeks I still don't feel good enough to come back. #I can't come to work if I feel bad. I couldn't fucking do anything there if standing up for a bit makes me dizzy!! #and if it takes multiple months or whatever. Then that's how it is. I can't be the first apprentice ever to get sick. There must be rules #and stuff for when this happens. I'll figure it out. Gonna take it one step at a time. #And the first step is to not go to school next week bc just the thought of it is making me sob uncontrollably. #good. i think that was everything i was worrying about. just hope my mom will be ok with me not going to school. #and I just have to be brave and call the doctor again on monday and send more emails and stuff. #but I have done it before I can do it again. #doddie redet #ok NOW good night. 🌃 #is having trouble sleeping a symptom as well bc I've been having trouble sleeping since the beginning of this week...

[poolsidescientist]

I think one of my biggest fantasies in life is being able to live somewhere/with someone that I can come and go as I please. Have my own car, not have to rely on other people or explain why I can’t be home of take care of people/the dog/etc. at all time. People think I’m greedy for wanting a well-paying job but having to take care of people you’re dependant on is really shitty and money would 100% solve this problem.

#such is life #I look forward to finally getting my drivers lisence #my mom only let me practice because I convinced her it benefits her #I have a grad student scholarship that's ending and no idea where more money is coming from #I mean I am ta-ing but I'm not earning enough to pay rent somewhere #and I have a dog to take care of #I love daisy but she's a lot of work #and my mom is pretty useless #so she needs me to do nearly 100% of the work #I'm 30 why is it so hard to leave #I have no external support #why can't one person in my actual life see that my home life is shitty and help me get independence rather than just make fun of me #I'm tired of being a caregiver to someone who should have raised me #I never got to be a teenager so I don't know how to have fun so I have to pretend or people don't like me #if I've learned anything it's that all love is conditional #if you think otherwise you just don't know what the conditions are #sorry for ranting I just don't have another place I can be honest about stuff #this is a roundabout argument for ubi I guess? #having the means for financial independence and a social safety net should be someone everyone has #I know a lot of people have it much worse too #I guess this is why I need to find a good partner and create a version of myself that is appealing to them #I would kill to be loved for who I am when I'm not making myself into things but I also gotta live #and these things don't go together

[writinginthesecrettrees]

Things That Stick In My Brain:

So you may or may not know that I, at one point, was studying accounting. I fully intended to work in taxes. I was very good in my tax law class.

Anyway. Another class I took was Auditing (fun fact: the government isn't the only entity that will audit you; businesses regularly hire outside auditors to go over the books). The professor in that course had started his career in India. He told us a fun story about a time the firm he worked for was doing an audit at a remote location. They stayed in the company dormitories and had the option to bus in with the employees to the company HQ.

The bus they rode was a 30 minute ride around the jungle, but the dormitory was about a five minute walk from HQ. So, my professor and his coworkers preferred to walk to work every day.

Through the jungle.

They did this for about a week until one of them found an interested item in the company's expenses: Tiger.

Upon questioning, it turned out that that particular expense was for funerary expenses for all the employees who died by tiger in the jungle.

They all rode the bus after that.

#stories i've been told #i should have majored in literature #but my mom convinced me to do something practical #joke's on her tho #'cause i dropped out #and was severely depressed #and i'm still trying to recover