Ok I totally want to hear more about this survivors au/Delores is real! How do the siblings handle having this different version of Five? Five may be better adjusted but he still has to heard his family around like a bunch of stray cats. What happens when Hazel and Cha Cha show up? How do they find out that Vanya causes the apocalypse and how does Five handle that revelation?!
here is the thing, i think the survivors au has the potential to be HILARIOUS
no one knows how to handle a well-adjusted five, and this absolutely includes the commission
So you mentioned Hazel and Cha-Cha?? Five in this au was not nearly as absolutely feral as he is in the show bc he knows how to interact with people - he was raised by a competent adult and a weird best friend and they occasionally saw other survivors as well
please picture old Five hanging around the water cooler and chatting with Hazel
the other funny thing is that Five is competent passing - he is well adjusted emotionally but functionally?? Hazel is out there complaining about dental being cut and office parties and budgets and Five is there sipping his drink having never filed taxes in his life. Five doesn't know what the fuck a dental plan is, he was a child soldier and then lived in an apocalypse.
So please picture for me Hazel being like "okay I know corporate wants us to keep what we're being paid to ourselves but fuck that, workers unite, what do you get paid as a legend old timer?"
and five is like "you're getting paid? i get to not get tossed back into the apocalypse, I think"
"but what about expense forms? what about medical care?"
"I'm like 80% sure i'm being experimented on, actually." Five says nonchalantly, "Don't get me wrong, my idea of medical care is fucked by being a child soldier but I'm pretty sure regular people don't have electrodes attached to their heads every time they get a checkup. Could be wrong though! My ex-dad used to monitor my brainwaves while I slept so like, my idea of appropriate shit is fucked, you know?"
This is a Five who was raised by Rick, he is polite to his coworkers. If Dot asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, Five would have gone and grabbed lunch with her or politely said that he couldn't.
Cha Cha only ever talks to Five when she wants to talk shop, so they've had a couple of conversations about weapons but not much else tbh, Hazel just tends to be more personable
So when they're sent after Five, Hazel is much more hesitant to kill who he perceives as a "work friend" and also is definitely thinking about all the times Five casually revealed a way the commission was being highkey shady about him, such as the potential experimentation, no pay, working under duress etc. He's much more easily turned against the commission because he's even more primed to say "fuck the commission" than he is in canon
Hazel out here like "how did Five break his contract when Five wasn't even being paid? I kind of want to read it."
Hazel out here like "I would unionize if I didn't think the commission was anti-union enough to send literal assassins after me if I suggested it :/"
meanwhile with the siblings
Five just. talks over them a lot and makes so much sense that it's actually really hard to argue with him, and he's weirdly considerate of his family's obligations
Like Diego is like "i have to go see Patch" then Five is like "that's great I'm proud of you buddy, it would actually be really handy to have some law enforcement read into the situation if you think she's up to the task. that goes for everyone by the way! If y'all have people you trust, more bodies would be super helpful I think"
the entire family, collectively, who have like zero trusted social links: uhhhhhhhh
Diego, with this weird permission, probably?? Does? Awkwardly attempt to read Patch into the situation? Patch is, obviously, like "what the fuck, Diego" but probably goes with him to the mansion (????????) because she's concerned and then meets his fucking whacko family with their superpowers and suddenly everything is 100% more realistic
Five is just like "yes hello I'm aware I look like a child, i'm actually in my late 50s or early 60s (apocalypse time amiright) because of time travel stuff. Yes I am Five Hargreeves who went missing in like 2002 or whatever. anyway it's lovely to meet you, i'm so glad diego has someone he trusts, and considering my sibling's shifty looks when i told them to invite anyone they trusted this genuinely makes me concerned that Diego is the most socially well-adjusted of them."
"That cannot be possible." Patch says, like someone who has met Diego Hargreeves.
"You haven't met the rest." Five says sympathetically, "In our defense we were raised in isolation as child soldiers."
"That... explains so much." Is all Patch can say to that, "But you seem..."
"I'm adopted." Five waves away.
"We're ALL adopted." Diego grits out, very aggrieved by this and also not sure if he likes the fact that Patch seems friendly with Five, or at least is listening to him?
"I'm double adopted."
However! With the recruitment of Patch, herding Diego becomes like 90% easier.
Honestly the worst to herd are probably Luther and Allison? Luther because he's Number One and resents Five taking charge and also resents Five's casual dismissal of Reginald and also suspects that Five (or at least the commission) has something to do with Reginald's death?
Allison because she is torn between following Luther and helping him and helping Five but also calling Patrick and Claire at every possible moment while ALSO trying to repair her relationship with Vanya. She's flighty - she'd bail on a Five-apocalypse-assignment if Vanya mentioned being hungry or if Luther called or anything like that
Vanya likes to be included and, if asked, would probably drop as many current obligations as she can. Like she would probably cancel her teaching if Five genuinely and sincerely asked her for her help, which he does because he's 100% sure Dolores would manifest in front of him and smack him if he dared even imply someone without powers wouldn't be helpful
Vanya is like "I'm not sure if i'll be helpful - I don't have powers ):" and Patch is like "wtf are you talking about - my superpowers are Gun, Backup, and Reading Comprehension and i am like the most useful member of this team right now"
Vanya gets a confidence boost just from hanging out with Patch honestly, I think they should be friends
Klaus is thrilled to be included are you kidding?? He says he does it for money but he's just happy to be there and also as one of the most emotionally intelligent siblings he is mildly concerned about the fact that Five looks like he's about to cry and also emotes
Five also gives Klaus positive reinforcement, hugs, and Five absolutely weaponizes the I'm not mad, but I believe that you can do better and I'm going to give you more chances because I love you and fully believe that next time you'll be amazing way that Rick used on him.
I feel like Five ends up saying something along the lines of "I understand that x is really important, and we're definitely going to look into it. Is it something that needs to be addressed right now, or is it something that can wait until after April 1st? If it can wait, I can write it down here on this list so we don't forget. If it can't wait then we can figure out a time to address it and help you" a lot
Like Grace malfunctioning and potentially killing Reginald?
"We don't have to make this decision right now." Five says patiently, "Because Grace is a robot, we have some options. Living with a robot who is potentially malfunctioning and homicidal is dangerous, but Luther saying that means admitting that Reginald might have made a mistake or error with Grace's programming or upkeep. I haven't been here for a long time, but I remember Reginald being very precise. Regardless, this isn't a choice between permanently shutting her off or not. We can shut her down temporarily until we can fully address the issue. We can ask and see if there is a 'system reboot' option or some sort of system check that Grace can undergo. We can try find and hire an expert to take a look at her programming to find the issue."
Five gives this speech while like, organizing the weaponry in the house on a table very nonchalantly
Five out here making buzzer noises at his siblings arguments like "yeah no that's a false dichotomy and a strawman's argument, want to try again?"
(Look apocalypse nights were long and they had games that were literally about arguing pointless shit like ranking types of chairs or the best way to break out of a prison without powers and things could get heated)
"Who died and made you boss?" Luther demands.
"Uh, the world? Were you not listening?" Five asks, looking very purposefully confused.
It gets even MORE delightful when Five reads Rick into the situation because a) he promised and b) his siblings really have like, no connections jeeze
Rick fully believes that this is his son from the future, like Five introduced himself, but Five skipped out on a few key details. Such as being adopted.
So Rick spends a solid chunk of time just staring at Five, who looks basically nothing like him, trying to think like, who is his mother ???? if we save the world will Five stop existing? why would I name my child 'Five'? Does everyone have powers in the future? was there like... a radioactive apocalypse? would radiation give future humans superpowers? when did my life turn into a comic book? am i even allowed to ask these questions? will knowledge of the future fuck things up?
and then when Five comes back and is like "what is up everyone this is my dad Rick who will be joining us, he doesn't have any memories of me thanks to time travel but if anyone is mean to him i WILL kneecap them"
Five does kidney punch Klaus for saying that Rick is a DILF but otherwise everyone just is like, warily looking at this Normal Dad Man in confusion because?? This is the dude who raised Five, who they watched take out like an entire commission team by himself yesterday? He looks so. Normal.
Rick is very confused and like, wonders if he's supposed to be the team mascot? But Five keeps involving him and asking his opinion and in return Rick enforces snack breaks and makes everyone sandwiches and has gentle talks with everyone
Every time Five notices someone about to blow he just lovingly makes sure that that person is alone in a room with Rick
Luther ends up crying on the sofa with Rick gently patting his back as Rick calmly states that Luther seems like he's put a lot of time and effort into his family and making his father proud and that since Reginald isn't here to say it, Rick will have to be the one to say that he's proud and that they've been dropped into a difficult and stressful situation - so soon after Reginald's death when they're still grieving! - and he's doing so well
Luther, experiencing unconditional positive paternal regard for the first time in his life: i don't know why i'm crying so much
honestly this is just a comedy of juggling the gang, having impromptu therapy sessions and discussions, investigating the apocalypse and the eye, leonard trying to meet vanya continuously and failing because she's constantly surrounding by family or rick/patch, the commission trying their best to bust up the dream team/isolate Vanya/kill or remove Five, while Hazel lives out his romcom dreams with Agnes and also says "fuck the commission"
1. How long have you had a Tumblr?since 2012
2. Describe your first kiss, who was it with, what was it like, where was it etc?hard pass see ya
3. What’s your biggest regret? I know we all say we don’t regret things but obviously it’s how we learn, from our mistakes. So what’s something from your past you wished you could have changed?i don’t know what my biggest regret would be but i do regret taking acid last august cuz i went to hell and i think it permanently changed me
5. Favorite Songs at the moment?well my april playlist consists of chanel x frank ocean, overtime x bryson tiller, for however long x bryson tiller, reminder x the weeknd, deathgrip x fit for a king which are all songs i’ve been loving nonstop
5. What is the craziest thing that you have ever done?idk if this is crazy but once i took three klonopin then did coke
6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?probably all of 2016 if i could remember it
7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them?they’re all self-harm scars
8. Where would you like to be in 10 years?somewhere warm and rainy with a big dog and a family working at a job i love making decent money
9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol?don’t use them as a source of comfort. that’s a huuuge trap. recreationally they’re fun tho
10. What are your views on religion?i wish i could believe it! i really wish i could cuz it would be nice to have moments of crisis and feel comfort in knowing an otherworldly force is going to take care of me thru it
11. Have you ever thought about ending your own life? If so, why?yeah of course. i guess i just knew that all i did was hurt people and i had to get rid of that energy from the earth. i feel better now tho
12. Write 5 facts people might not know about you.i can never do these things bc there’s not much that people don’t know abt me. my life is an open book for allll to see
13. last really important text you got?i don’t think i’ve been texted abt anything super important recently. usually my texts are j “wyd”
14. Can you let go?for the most part!! i don’t like holding grudges
15. Discuss your first love.i’ve never had a first love and i am sooo coo on that
16. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.i don’t have an ipod i use anymore which is sad
17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit.i’d LOVE to visit greece but i’ll totally move to oregon
19. What are your views on mainstream music?no hate, i find shit i like in mainstream music all the time. tbh i have no clue what’s playing on the radio rn tho. if you turned it on i would not recognize like any songs which is weird asf
18. Are you currently missing someone?meg and allison for sure
19. At what age do you think people should have sex?prolly high school idk im no expert
20. What are your highs and lows of this past year?highs - got to meet so many amazing people (most notably, jake hazen), saw the story so far FINALLY, got closer w daniella, reconnected w taylor, got a job i love, etclows - lost two friends to tragedy, got addicted to klonopin/benzos, got hospitalized, completely lost all sense of self
21. What are your strongest beliefs?i believe that waterfalls are the prettiest part of nature and sunshowers are the coolest thing ever. if i were a weather phenomena i’d wanna be a sunshower
22. Who are you closest to in your family?probably my mom, kind of my brother
23. How important do you think education is?extremely!!! education opens doors for a person and i’m not even speaking on higher education i just mean in general. taking care of your intellect is really important to me!! i wish i was still learning!!
24. What’s one of your favorite shows?that 70s show is damn near my favorite show of all time
25. How have you changed in the past 2 years?ohhh boyyyy immensely i don’t think i’m even half the person i used to be but i’m okay
26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.zayn malik, frank ocean, asap rocky, tyler the creator, fucking david beckham
27. Name your favorite movie and what it’s about.tarzan bitcchhhh its abt a lil dude whose parents shipwrecked by a jungle, made a treehouse, then died and he survived and was taken in by a sympathetic gorilla whose husband is like the leader of the pack and rejects tarzan from the jump then these ppl from england come and one of them has a dark agenda that they don’t know abt. it’s lit
28. Who is someone who fascinates you and why?this is a weirdo thing but @sunsets-n–graveyards cuz she is the human embodiment of the word cool and i don’t know if i would believe any negative thing anybody had to say abt her
29. What kind of person attracts you?like who am i attracted to? or what kind of friends do i attract? im attracted to dudes w neck tattoos and nice hands or dudes that assume a kind of powerful vibe. i attract friends who are cool and funny and beautiful
30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having?i only had a little bit of bud left and i smoked it all yesserday so im gonna need to re-up
31. Name something that you miss.warped tour
32. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.- quit smoking- work out details of the house we potentially getting- buy a dab pen and a puck- clean my fucking roooommmm- get an oil change lmao
33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point? this month has gone right past me i don’t even know if it was important enough to have highs and lows
34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again?take an adderall and three ritalin at night time
35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why?my hands cuz they ugly
36. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what did they mean to you?i have nooo clue what they were i don’t even remember what playlist i was in
37. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it etc?not anymore but i had a doll that i got when i was a wee lad and i used to care for that bitch more than i’ve ever cared for anything
38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death? not that close but close enough
39. What is your purpose in life?to improve. to improve myself, to improve the lives of others, to improve the world around me
40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?i could not tell you the last time i cried. it was probably over sister wives
41. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you guys do? smoke down, stare into each other’s eyes, get married
42. If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?either tame impala or frank ocean. both beautiful vibes. frank has incredible imagery in his music and it always takes me to a place that i’d much rather be
43. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.i like that i’m funny as fuck, generally pretty compassionate abt my friends like i try hard to reach out when i can, and how little i care abt how i look cuz that takes so much effort. i dislike that i’m selfish, obsessive, and dissociative at the worst times
44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make? uhhhh nope
45. What was the last decision you regretted making?couldn’t tell you i’m pretty sound in my decisions
46. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”?nope i’ve seen people make that mistake then never again. it doesn’t always speak on the character of the person but if it were to happen to me i would definitely be wary moving forward
47. Do you ever wish you were famous?only when i wanna tweet some dumb shit and get helllllaaaa interactions
48. What’s the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to YOU? Or something that’s hurt you above anything else and why?no one’s been mean to me in a long long time so i have no clue
50. What mark would you want to leave on this world after you are gone?i just wanna be a light source in somebody’s life. like i just wanna be remembered as a light
51. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?only lipo and not for very long
52. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?nope that sounds like a bad idea
53. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?yeah in third grade i believe cuz i thought being tough like that was cool
54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?one time dani copped me sounds good feels good which was so romantic
55. What is one of your favorite memories?going to taylor’s w ash and smoking blunts on the roof and going to a cute little ice cream shop and the grocery store and buying hella beer then going to dan’s and smoking down more then going back to taylor’s, smoking another blunt, then passing out watching monster’s inc. perfect fucking day
58. What’s the nicest present you’ve ever received?a painting that says “keep calm and beckah on” from taylor. that was so fucking nice
59. Have you ever had your heart broken?not romantically, but yeah
60. Have you ever wanted to change anything about your life? If so, what?definitely i’d like to change the numbers in my back account and the car i drive and the state in which i live. i’m trying to be rich, driving a new car, living in michigan
61. What is something you feel like you are really good at? steering wheel drumming
62. What are your top 5 favourite all time songs by your favourite artist?the moment, reality in motion, runway houses city clouds, the less i know the better, disciples
65. What’s one thing someone has done for you that was really small but made a huge impact?dylan has pumped my gas many many times when i was too high
66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?cry a lot, toss and turn til i’m sweaty, cry some more
68. If you could change 3 things within your government, what would they be and why?this is a question for someone else
69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?fourth of july mf it’s a beautiful holiday. fireworks, cooking out, warm weather, like come on bro it’s fire
70. What’s the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Even if it’s TINY like holding a door open for you, something that you remember even though they were a complete stranger.idk a couple days ago a gurl yelled hey at me from her car and that was nice i suppose
71. Who’s your favorite cartoon character?mordecai from regular show
72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind while reading this and why?reality in motion x tame impala is stuck in my head bc of that previous question
74. What would you like to be the first dance song at your wedding?i have no clue i’ve genuinely been thinking abt this question allllll day and can’t figure it out
75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who?amy schumer 🙄
76. What’s one thing you can not live without?idk bro probably your mom?
77. What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone?i have no idea someone else would have to tell me
78. Are you a girly girl?no hahahaha this is funny
79. What color is your bed?uhhh my mattress is white if thats what youre asking
80. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?i have no real hair preference hahaha
81. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?hellllll no i have no time for that
82. Do you have a best friend?three! shouts out dani, ash, and t-dizzle
82. What song makes you cry the most?perth x bon iver or only time x enya hahahaha
83. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?good burger obviously
84. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?i have no crazy ambitions i am a very scared cautious person
85. Has anything ever happened to you that you just can’t forgive?i don’t think so. i’ve lived a fairly above average life as far as i remember
86. Ever been really drunk?yeah it sucked i hate being drunk
87. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?hahahahahahahahahaha no
89. Have you ever felt ashamed about something? If so what was it & why? my whole life is just huge waves of guilt and shame
90. Do you keep a journal? If so what mostly goes in it? Random thoughts, feelings, stories?
when i do journal i write abt my day and then it turns into a life update filled w random thoughts and feelings
91. Do you like somebody?not romantically but i do have huge platonic crushes on a lot of people
92. Craziest shit ever done?ion do crazy shit!!! my memoir is going to be so lame!!!
93. What’s the saddest story/one that’s touched you the most that you’ve ever heard on the news?sandy hook fucked me up for a little bit when i heard abt it
94. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them?navy, hazel, and alexis
95. Do you have a middle name and if so, what is it?i do and it’s jill but i used to tell people it was jeezus and that my parents were weirdo hippies
96. Are you in a relationship?yes its been seven years and im so in love
97. Do you enjoy drama?i love watching it but i’d rather die than be a part of it
98. Are you a virgin?yeah boiiii aint nobody touchin me
99. Are you short or tall?i’m average
100. Do you have siblings? If so, what are their names and how old are they? i’ve got a brother named maxwell and he’s 18 and going further in life than i can even imagine
thanks kind stranger see u at ur house later im gonna beat you up