#and by headcanon i mean officially canon because nobody can tell me otherwise

[does-this-look-writing-to-you]

Second Time's The Charm

words: 2607 universe: Empires SMP, post-canon (in the afterlife) characters: Scott, Jimmy, Xornoth, Lizzie; mentions of Joel pairings: Flower Husbands, Stag Bros, Seablings; mentions of Shadowbeans (i refuse to call it “Jizzie”) warnings: Scott and Jimmy angst, otherwise none a/n: this is a new experience for me. i’ve never written any fanfic for empires smp before, and i didn’t intend to until i developed a headcanon with my friends on my discord server that ended up spawning this. shoutout to the amazing @gemswizardhat for beta reading this and for being such a great person overall. i had a lot of fun with this fic, so i hope you all enjoy.

“I can’t believe it.” Scott grinned at his new husband.

“Neither can I!” Jimmy exclaimed, wearing that wide goofy grin Scott loved so much. “Our alliance is finally official!”

Scott blinked. He did not just say “alliance”. “I beg your pardon?”

“We’re allies now! Aren’t we?”

“We’ve… we’ve been allies.”

“Well, yeah, but now it’s officially official.”

“That isn’t what marriage means, Jimmy.”

“Sure it is! Lizzie and Joel are married, and they’ve got one of the strongest alliances in the world!”

Scott let out a long, exasperated sigh. I had to fall in love with this one, didn’t I? It couldn’t have been someone with more than half a brain cell? “They’re married because they love each other.”

“Oh! Well, of course I love you, Scott! You’re my best friend!”

Scott felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. Sure, friendship was great, but he didn’t see Jimmy as a friend. He saw him as someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, to grow old with, to have by his side. He saw Jimmy as the love of his life. But he doesn’t feel the same.

__

“And he said I was his best friend! Don’t get me wrong, nothing’s wrong with being friends, but I thought we were more than that, ya know?”

Xornoth was quiet for a moment. The trouble with Xornoth, though, was that he didn’t tend to be quiet for very long. At least they’re not a demon anymore, Scott thought to himself. “Damn. I always thought he was an idiot, but not that much of an idiot.”

“Hey, watch it. That’s my husband you’re talking about.”

Xornoth snorted. “As far as he knows, ‘husband’ is just a fancy word for ‘best friend’.”

“It’s not funny!” protested Scott, giving his sibling an annoyed look.

“It’s a little funny.”

“No! It’s not!” He groaned in frustration. “I’ve been in love with him for the longest time, and he doesn’t even have the decency to tell me he doesn’t feel the same?”

“I don’t see why you’re going to me about this. I don’t exactly know anything about the whole ‘romance’ thing.”

“You’re my sibling. I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to go to each other about a lot of things. Speaking of going to things, where in the name of Aeor were you during the ceremony?!”

“I didn’t want to come.”

Scott felt anger bubble up inside him at how nonchalant his brother was being about this. “Today was supposed to be the most special day of my life!” Supposed to be, his mind said bitterly.

“Yeah, well, what about my graduation? That was the most special day of my life.”

Scott threw his hands up. “Will you let it go already? It’s been years!”

“That hurt, Scott!”

“I had a kingdom to run!”

“That’s no excuse not to be there for your own sibling.”

He heaved a sigh. “I give up. This is clearly going nowhere.”

“Scott—”

He held up his hands to silence him. “I need to be alone. I have a headache.” He started to leave.

“Scott, wait.”

He groaned and stopped, turning to Xornoth. “What?”

“I’m sorry, okay? I know he means a lot to you. I shouldn’t be making fun of you after you came to me.”

“I appreciate that. I just… I need to be alone for a while.”

“Understood. You go and sulk in your room, I’ll make sure nobody bothers you. Not even Jimmy.”

“You’re a good sibling, Xornoth.”

“Thanks. I try.”

Scott left the room and trudged home, ignoring the cries of congratulations from the townspeople. What’s the point? he thought glumly. Why should I celebrate knowing that the person I care about doesn’t love me back?

The sound of familiar, sloshing footsteps came from behind him, and he felt a scaly hand on his shoulder— or was it a fin? He had never been sure. “Boo!”

Scott didn’t so much as turn his head. “Hi, Jimmy.”

“Where are you going?”

“I want to be alone.”

“But what about the reception?”

“Enjoy it without me.” He shrugged Jimmy’s hand away.

“Scott?” Jimmy sounded hurt, and everything in Scott’s heart wanted to look at him, to talk to him, to tell him how he was feeling. But things were different now.

“Please leave me alone.” He kept his head turned, out of Jimmy’s gaze, so that he couldn’t see the tears welling up in his eyes.

“Scott…!”

He forced himself to tune the cod man out, resuming his advance toward his estate. It’s not worth it to care anymore. I’m just a friend to him, and that’s all I’ll ever be.

__

“Lizzie?” Jimmy stood at the base of the enormous staircase at his sister’s glorious palace. He had always been rather small, but the grand scale of the Ocean Queen’s palace always made him feel the size of a baby bee. A large blue figure emerged, seemingly from out of nowhere, and descended the steps to approach him.

“Jimmy! What are you doing here? I would have thought you were with Scott. He hardly lets you leave his side”

“That’s the thing. It’s Scott. He seems really upset, and I don’t know why. Could we chat?”

Lizzie frowned. “Sure. Come with me.” She led her brother to a cushy sitting area, furnished with the finest and most ornate of fabrics. Lizzie’s taste had always been so much more lavish than his, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the aesthetic. It wasn’t something he wanted to live in, but he still liked it. “Okay, what’s the problem?” she asked him.

“I don’t know what happened. He was so happy when the ceremony was over, but then for whatever reason he got all sulky and sad. And then I went to find him for the reception, but he didn’t even look at me.”

“Do you know why?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“Hmm… Describe exactly what happened. Give me a play-by-play.”

“You know I don’t have a good memory.”

“I know. You don’t have to tell me everything word-for-word. Just give me the jist.”

“Well, he was saying how happy he was we were allies now, and I agreed, and—”

“Wait, hold on. Is that what he said?”

“Something like that.”

“Weren’t you already allies?”

“He said the same thing. Am I missing something?”

“You could be… Jimmy, do you know what a wedding is?”

“Well, yeah, of course I do! I just had one! It’s when you solidify your alliance and best-friendship with the leader of another kingdom.”

Lizzie’s expression was dumbfounded.

“What?”

“That’s not what weddings are for. You marry someone because you love them.”

“And I do love Scott! He’s a great friend! My best friend, even!”

Lizzie rubbed her temples, looking more exasperated than Jimmy had ever seen her be— which was saying a lot. “You don’t usually marry your friend. Or, I guess, you can, but I don’t think that was Scott’s intention.”

“Do you marry your enemy?” He started to tear up.

“What? No!”

But Jimmy was already crying. “He hates me! Scott hates me! Why did I think he ever liked me? I got it all wrong!”

“Jimmy…”

“What is wrong with me? I’m such an idiot! I should have known he hated me!”

“Jimmy—”

“And I didn’t even think to ask! Now he’s stuck with the person he hates the most…!”

“JIMMY!”

He wiped his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Nobody marries their enemy. That’s not something that happens. And if it does, it’s really rare, and I really don’t think Scott hates you.”

“Then what does he think of me?”

“You should ask him that.”

“I have. And he said he loves me. And I said I loved him too.”

“I don’t think he loves you in the way you think.”

“What other way is there?”

“Jimmy.” Lizzie looked him in the eye. “Do you really not know what love is?”

“Sure I do!”

“Explain it to me.”

“It’s when you’re really close with someone. Like, they’re your best friend. Y—”

Lizzie interrupted him. “There’s your problem.”

“What problem?”

“Love isn’t always a friend thing. Let me put it like this. You know Joel?”

“Your husband?”

“Who else?”

“I dunno. Could have been a different Joel. It’s a common name.”

“I guess so. My point is, my relationship with Joel isn’t just friendship. It’s… How do I put this?” She tapped her chin and went silent for a minute. “Joel and I are in love. I trust him with my life, and I know he trusts me. We know each other’s deepest secrets, hopes, and dreams. Looking at him makes me feel all bubbly and warm, and I want to be around him all the time.”

“That’s just friendship. Isn’t it?”

“No! Jimmy!” He could tell Lizzie was on her last nerve. “It’s not just friendship!”

“But that’s how I feel about Scott! Who is my friend!”

She looked taken aback. “You feel that way about him?”

“Of course! I thought that was what best friendship was!”

“It’s not!”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s love, Jimmy. Romantic love. The kind you read about in fairy tales.”

“I can’t read,” he reminded her.

She rubbed her temples again. “I know. I phrased that badly. Remember the story about the zombie and the drowned? Or the one about the horse and the donkey? Those weren’t about friendship. Those were love stories. Friendship is a kind of love, but from the way you described it, Scott isn’t just a friend to you.”

Jimmy went quiet. He had no idea what to think of all this information. Was Lizzie right? Did he really feel that way about Scott? He knew he didn’t have those kinds of feelings toward anyone else, as far as he knew. But then again, he had always been known as the least intelligent ruler of all of them. Maybe he was overthinking this.

“How about this?” Lizzie’s voice jostled him from his thoughts. “I’ll take you to the library. I have all kinds of sources on romance and love and what it means. We can spend some time looking them over, and you can figure things out then, okay?”

He thought about her offer. He didn’t see a downside, and it would be nice to try and untangle the complicated web of feelings he had for Scott. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s do it.”

__

Scott stood alone atop a snowy peak, clutching his cloak for warmth as the wind whipped around him. He loved the silence of the mountains, especially the ones unsettled by Rivendell civilians. Of course he loved his kingdom, but he valued his alone time too. But he couldn’t enjoy it today. Ever since the incident the day before, he hadn’t seen a trace of his husband. He knew he should have despised him for it. He should have been bitter that Jimmy had been so quick to give up on him without trying any further to reach him. But he could never be mad at Jimmy. No matter how infuriating he could be, Scott still loved him with every atom in his body.

“Nice view from up here.”

Scott jumped and turned to the source of the voice— though he knew he didn’t need to in order to recognize who it belonged to. “Jimmy?”

“Hi, Scott.” The Codfather moved to sit beside him. He was bundled up in what must have been five jackets and three thick pairs of pants, complete with snow boots and thick gloves.

“What are you doing up here? It’s freezing!”

“I’ll be fine. I wanted to talk to you.”

He swallowed. “What about?”

“I’ve been thinking. I know, it’s a miracle, right?” He laughed, and Scott couldn’t stop a chuckle from escaping his lips. “But I’ve been thinking about… about yesterday. About what you said. Lizzie helped me do research on… y’know, love and stuff.”

He knew what was coming. Jimmy was going to tell him that he didn’t love him, and that their marriage wasn’t meant to be. He tensed his muscles, preparing for the heartbreak.

“I think I love you, Scott.” His voice was so soft that Scott could barely hear him over the howling of the wind.

Scott blinked. Did I hear him wrong? “Pardon?”

“I love you,” he repeated. “And not… in a friend way. I really like being your friend, but… I want to be more than that.”

Scott was suddenly hit with a tsunami of emotions— love, joy, relief, and all manners of warm, happy emotions. He began to laugh and laugh gleefully, falling back into the snow.

“Scott? What’s… What’s so funny? Did I say something wrong?”

He sat up. “You said everything just right, Jimmy. I just… I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say that.”

He smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry. For being such an idiot.”

“Hey, I get it. I’m kinda used to it by now.” Scott gave him a wide grin, which Jimmy returned with a beaming smile of his own. The fish man threw his arms around the elven king, who gladly returned the hug. Even on top of the chilly mountain, he had never felt such a warm embrace.

The two pulled away after a little while. “So… what now?” Jimmy asked.

“Well, we’re already married,” said Scott. “Why don’t we try going on a couple dates? Real dates this time. Where we both know it’s a date.”

Jimmy laughed. “I think I would love that.”

“So would I.”

Scott took Jimmy’s hand and felt his heart skip a beat as Jimmy gave his hand a gentle squeeze. This is how it was meant to be.

__

“I never realized how beautiful your kingdom was,” Scott remarked.

The two of them were taking a stroll through Jimmy’s swampy kingdom, hand in hand. They passed a small cluster of poppies, one of which Jimmy promptly picked and handed to Scott. “For you.”

“Thank you. It’s beautiful.” He looked at Jimmy. “Wait, I didn’t think poppies could grow naturally here. Did you grow these just for me?”

“Maybe…” Jimmy giggled.

“Why, you little…!” Scott started tickling him all over. Jimmy squirmed and squealed, which only made Scott tickle him even more, until the two were laying on the grass, out of breath from laughing so much. The two of them lay there for a minute. Normally, Scott would worry about getting dirt on his cloak, but he knew he could have it washed later. Right now, all that mattered was Jimmy, the man he loved.

“Hey, Scott?” Jimmy turned to look at him.

“Yes?”

“Can I tell you something?”

Scott sat up. “Of course you can. Is something wrong?”

Jimmy sat up as well. “No, not at all. I just… I wanted to tell you how amazing this past year with you has been. I don’t think I ever knew true happiness before I met you. You just… You’re so… You’re basically perfect, really. And I-I wanted to ask you…” He removed a shimmering stone from his pocket. “Will you marry me? Again?”

Scott went silent for a moment. “Are you proposing to me… with a rock?”

“Should I… not have?”

“Oh, no, this is perfect. This is exactly how I’ve always imagined it.”

“So, is that a yes?” asked Jimmy hopefully.

“It’s a yes.”

Jimmy cried out happily, practically launching himself onto Scott as the two of them shared a kiss. They pulled away just a few moments later, each admiring the face of their newly betrothed.

“I love you, Jimmy of the Cod Empire.”

“And I love you, Scott of Rivendell.”

#empires smp #dangthatsalongname #smajor 1995 #scott smajor #empires scott #solidaritygaming #jimmy solidarity #empires jimmy #xornoth #empires xornoth #ldshadowlady #lizzie ldshadowlady #empires lizzie #flower husbands #stag bros #seablings #fic #fanfic #fanfiction

[azazelsconfessional]

((so i was gonna open up my askbox again but I got distracted doing this and watching streams i think idr what i did the past few hours, buuut there's something I need to cover first, especially since there are so many new people around! Hello! Especially since so many of you are playing OCs/MCs.

Don't worry, it's a tip to hopefully help you along! It may get a little long, especially as I try and provide examples. . .but hopefully it'll help.

I'm gonna talk a lot about OCs but this applies to canon characters too a bit. It certainly helps.

Tl;dr, you should have a character profile page.

(also remember that tumblr mobile doesn't really have direct access to Pages made with the Pages function on desktop, so you'll have to link them manually in your pinned or description or host them on another site(I used Google Docs in the apst) or in a regular post(this makes it very easy to lose as a forewarning) for maximum accessibility!)

(rules pages are also really really handy if you have alot of resteictions.)

So, in general, OCs have a bit of a lower reception rate in rp. Idk if that'll be the case here with MCs because they're, well, the main character. Housamo is also a series that lends itself well to OCs pretty well, especially non-human ones, but I figured I'd warn for that.

BUT. That doesn't mean you shouldn't play an OC! It just means there are things you need to keep in mind!

Think of all of the OCs you've seen--you all seem to be fun and wonderful people, and your characters are surely interesting. But. . .if you don't tell anybody about them, nobody will know what's going on or where to start, which makes asking questions a little hard, right? That's easier to work around with MC characters--we've played the game, we know the story, we know the characters, so we can figure out questions fairly easily based on that alone and go from there.

But with other OCs, especially those that don't represent charactera from mythology or fiction like many other characters in housamo do, there's like. Nowhere to start. We may see a face or some dialogue, but otherwise we don't have a frame of reference.

That's where a profile comes in!

Azazel-mun, I don't want to share all of the info about my character at once!

What if I don't know everything about my OC yet and want to figure it out along thw way?

The profile doesn't have to be super detailed! At most it shoule include things like the character's name and age and probably things like their location, profession, grade in school or place of work, etc., and anything you'd notice on the surface like their apperance. It's never a bad thing to include a description of their personality too, or a small section about their history/background. Little things that even you should probably know, too.

You can also section your profile off a bit into things like "surface info," "meta info," "things you could easily figure out about them," etc. That way, no one can spoil themself. Making lists like this can help you think these things through if you haven't already as well.

Let's use Azazel, a character that you probably know already, as an example here. I don't have a profile set

Name: Azazel

Species: Fallen Angel; Capra Therian - an anthropomorphic Goat (?)

Gender(pronouns): Male(he/him)

Age: difficult to calculate; several thousand years old?

Apperance age: hard to say, he's not human. Adult.

Origins: banished from his home world of Eden, has been in the human world for several thousand years

Profession: Priest of dubious denomination, most likely Catholic or Protestant; teacher at Daikanyama Academy; de facto head of the Missionaries Non-Profit charity Organization; supervisor of the Aoyama Missionaries

Role & Rule: Watcher; Revelation - allows him to see anything within the territory of the Aoyama Missionaries and anywhere the pages of his Artifact see

Apperance: Azazel is a 5'10"(180cm) tall, anthropomorphic goat of ambiguous breed, with fawn fur all over his body and lighter fur on his head and around his neck. He has brown, riged horns which curve out and back. Though his eyes are often closed, when opened they're red. He always carried around a leather bound bible with an eye on the cover, and is never seen without several chains on his person, although only the one(s) around his neck can be seen unless he's undressed.

He wears a black priest's cassock with a maroon sash and a capelet of the same color, with the same eye as on his bible on the shoulders of the cape, and brown dress shoes. The front of the robe is always open to expose his bare chest and the chains beneath.

Personality: Azazel is kind and doting, very fitting of both a teacher and priest, although his openly flirtatious, lustful, and secretive nature causes others to distrust him. He doesn't mind this at all. He has a strong adoration for humans, and values love in all of its forms more than anything. He's a bit of a passive person, often being unmotivated but working hard regardless, and seems to prefer to watch others and the world go by, although he won't decline most invitations to take part in it. He is always aware of anything that happens within the extensive territory of the Missionaries, and seems to know and see just about everything about anyone he meets, from their surface to their soul. . . .

If you know Azazel, or take note of some of the wording or question marks, you'll note I didn't explain everything(although I may have shared more than you want to.) This is just a bare bones exampe of how I do my profiles--but it can get even more bare!

I'll do two this time, a more vague version of Azazel's, and another that obscures information all together, using the same or a similar format to the above.

Name: Azazel

Species: anthropomorphic goat

Gender(pronouns): male (he/him)

Age: unquestionably an adult

Origins: Eden

Profession: Priest; teacher; head of a charity NPO; member of the Missionaries

Apperance: Horned goatman of slightly above average human height. Light brown fur, blond fur-hair, red eyes. Wears priest robes and a gold chain around his neck and chest. Carries around a bible with an eye on it?

Personality: Kind of eerie, but friendly and affectionate. A little flirtatious, especially towards humans. Seems to know everything about people for some reason?

Compare it to the one before--see how I've left even more things off or left things ambiguous while still sharing what's necessary or surface level? However, it's also not as engaging or as informative as the other one where I gave more information.

As someone who plays him, profiles like this aren't as helpful for me lol since he knows so much about everyone and everything, having a lot of details helps me play my character!

Now, as helpful as this is, this is also a character you probably know. So how about I do this with an OC? Normally I'm extremely detailed in my profiles and such, especially for OCs, sharing headcanons and ideas for relationships between characters. But, again, I'll try and show how you can show some info while leaving some up to people to ask about to later be filled in.

Name: Kezia

Faceclaim/Art Source: [this is where you would put where you get the art for any icons you use--if you draw it yourself, say so; if you use official art from a series, credit the name of the character and the series; if you use picrews, link the specific picrews. DO NOT USE ART YOU HAVE NOT BEEN PERMITTED TO USE. DO NOT STEAL ART. IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE CREDIT, ASK SOMEONE TO HELP YOU, DO NOT JUST SAY THAT IT ISN'T YOURS. DO NOT USE ART YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVEN PERMISSION TO USE OR THAT ISN'T FROM A SERIES OF SOME SORT.]

Species: Human

Gender(pronouns): Female (she/her)

Age: mid 20's~early 30's?

Apperance age: older than she looks?

Origins: Tokyo?

Profession: Professor; Witch

Apperance: A fidgety woman who looks older than she is. She looks anxious and confused as often as she looks curious and confident. Wavy light brown hair. Often carries around schoolbooks and is never alone, always with a Rattus Therian and often with a Nyarlathotep.

Personality: seemingly anxious, but curious and exploratative nonetheless. On the awkward side, but can still keep up with the Nyarls that accompany her. Gets into trouble when she gets ahead of herself in exploring and learning about the arcane, but her Rule allows her to disappear easily.

History: Has always been curious about magic and attempted to run through a Gate when they began to open up. Performed a summon and brought a certain transients to Tokyo and recieved her familiar and the magic to use her Rule as a result. Currently teaches at a college. She stumbled into a certain someone while attempting to explore time, and became a fan ever since.

That tells you a fair amount, doesn't it? Even for someone you don't know? It may even raise some questions that you could ask. At the same time, it doesn't tell you that much, and that can be as much of a hindrance for coming up with questions as saying too much can. It's really up to you what's too much and too little. Here's a more detailed version! Some things have been left vague or confusing in such a way that they could be filled in after being revealed through asks and play. That way, people are encouraged to/given ideas of what to ask--and you can still share things in the long run.

Name: Kezia

Faceclaim/Art Source: [N/A]

Species: Human

Gender(pronouns): Female (she/her)

Age: mid 20's~early 30's?

Apperance age: somewhere in her 30's, maybe even a little older

Origins: Tokyo, with some sort of connection to at least one other world

Profession: Professor of [?] at [?] Academy; Witch

Role & Rule: [?] & [?]

Artifact, Summon, Familiar?: Always accompanied by at least one Nyarlathotep and some sort of man-rat? She also carries around a book that's labeled as a Grimoire, but it's rare for someone to be both a summon-user and an Artifact-user. . . .

Apperance: A fidgety older woman wearing a labcoat and a witch's hat. She looks quite stressed and has trouble sitting still. Her ashy brown hair is thin and a little wavy, with some strands of gray. Although she often squints, she doesn't wear glasses. She carries around a lot of books relating to maths and sciences and one labeled 'Grimoire' decorated with arcane symbols from Gehenna and Old Ones. She's always accompanied by at least one Nyarlathotep and a very short, bearded man who can best be described as a brown rat therian with a human-like face. Sometimes there's a normal rat on her person or in her pockets.

Personality: Kezia is a fidgety and anxious magic practitioner. She's very curious about other worlds and has been since the Gates appeared in this Tokyo since she was a child, however she has been pursuing magic before then. She often appears somewhat confused about or fascenated by even her usual surroundings, but, at other times moves through the world with confidence even in unfamiliar territory. She also likes rats and other rodents, and as such will often avoid felines and birds of prey. She has a tendency to disappear, seeming to walk through walls despite assuredly being alive.

She's a little bit awkward with people, but somehow keeps up with Nyarlathoteps nonetheless. She's a good teacher, once she figures out how to explain things in ways others can understand easily, but can be a bit difficult to follow and flighty up until then. Aware of this, she's rather patient, if a little down on herself at times. However, she most often simply has her mind elsewhere. Despite this and the company she keeps, she's relatively sane. . .most of the time.

She shares a name with a witch from the world of Old Ones who made a pact with Nyarlathotep, believing him to be the Devil. . .and the ratman always at her side uses the same name as that witch's familiar as well. It's. . .probably just a coincidence. . .who would rightfully make a pact with Nyarlathotep?

History: Kezia is an adult human from this Tokyo before the apperance of the Gates and construction of the Walls. She's explored various witchcraft pursuits since she was a child, with what was originally a mere imaginative curiosity and fascination. After the arrival of the Gates when she was still young, she snuck over the fences built around one and attempted to go inside the massive pillar of light, which she attributes to the reason she often seems to struggle with her vision. Several years later, she performed a successful summon and she recieved her familiar, Brown Jenkin, transformed into a somewhat therian form from one of her pet rats, and was given some powers from Nyarlathotep. She has no discernable control over any of the chaotic creatures, however they seem to spend time around her regardless.

At present she's a professor of a subject that interests her at a certain college. She's had other dangerous run-ins due to her excitement over the arcane and "darker" arts, but doesn't seem to show any signs of stopping. However, after an incident in an attempt to explore time itself, she encountered a certain guardian of time and feels reluctant for once to explore it further. . .although she's become quite a big fan of his.

. . .i ran out of steam amd kinda lost track of where i was going. idk if that helped at all really. But maybe it did! I hope it did. You don't need to use any of those things exactly by any means, but that's the kind of thing you usually see in profile pages. Basics like someone's name and birthday and age and apperance and a little about their personality, maybe some history. Oftentimes things like powers and weapons and the like. Interests, hobbies, ways they could be intereacted with, etc. Just stuff that'd help you know the character.

I write everything in paragraph form, but everyone is more than welcome to use a more script format. I love making profiles, myself--it really helps to think about the character and details about them. Normally I make really, really detailed profiles, but maybe I'll try and be more simple about it this time around. depends on how i'm feeling.

I know this seems weirdly hypocritical given I don't have one but when I first made this blog there were like four of us including myself. I didn't see the need for a rules or profile page because I didn't anticipate that there'd be so many of us or, like, people from other fandoms or who aren't familiar with certain characters. I'll rectify that soon hopefully. But I figured I'd pass along this idea/knowledge to others.

. . .I'm gonna go reopen my askbox now. Feel free to send asks again, ask about this, etc! You can send me an IM too if you want. I'll properly close up the guest event tomorrow. I'm real tired rn lol so idk how much i'll get done, but i usually do things super late at night my time, so i have some time to pull my shit together haha))

#ooc #((anyway i'm gonna open the askbox and crawl into a hole)) #((i got nothing done lol i was so engaged with something else all week))

[im-abanana]

Ineffable Bureaucracy as parents HeadCanons

I can’t believe I spent nearly two hours writing some ‘Ineffable Bureaucracy’ Pregnancy/Child/Parents HeadCanons. The craziness is under the cut, I’m not sorry.

Pregnancy head canons:

-First of all, I am positive that Beelzebub’s pregnancy would be an accident. A total, disastrous accident. Com’on, they are so stupid. It’s not like she or Gabriel could imagine that angels and demons would be able to procreate, since they are supposed to be mortal enemies in the first place (after the failed Armageddon, I think the situation between the two factions would be way better though);

-Beelzebub realizes that something must be wrong with her body around the seventh week or so. Demons do not need to sleep, but she finds herself fighting the urge to nod off on her uncomfortable throne more and more often, until even Dagon takes notice. Being the best BFF there is in Hell, Dagon gently offers Beelzebub to swap duties for a few hours, or she simply brings hot coffee to the Prince every time she can;

-Coffee is the only thing Beelzebub manages to gulp down without having to spend the whole afternoon locked in the bathroom, because pregnancy sickness is a fickle beast. Being a demon of Gluttony and not being able to eat is torture. At first, Gabriel shrugs it off and says ‘I’ve always told you not to eat that gross matter’, but at some point he gets worried too... demons or angels are not supposed to feel sick or have indigestions, after all;

-Gabriel secretly starts to investigate about the Prince’s strange behavior, writing down every single oddity he sees, date and time. He is an excellent bureaucrat, but a fucking idiot in general. He hides an up-to-dated little notebook full of notes, such as ‘morning always sickness, unjustified tiredness, nausea, moodiness’ and he still doesn’t have a clue. He could use Internet or his brain, of course, but as I said he is a dork. However, he feels like he’s missing something;

-At the tenth week (still not knowing about her condition) Beelzebub hits her breaking point. It happens during a business meeting with a few subordinate demons, in the throne room. As she tries desperately not to fall asleep (she cares about her people and has a lot of patience for the most part, imo), while a few of those demons are bitching nonstop about some leaking or a burst pipe somewhere, one of them frowns and dares to accuse ‘Excuse me Lord Beelzebub, are you actually sleeping on the job!? This is unacceptable, do you actually know how hard it was for us to get an appointment!?’. That definitely does it. At the end, everything there’s left of that particular demon is a sad pile of dust; 

-Dagon calls Gabriel and tells him about what happened and the harsh reprimand Beelzebub had received from Satan himself. Concerned, he waits for her in front of the communal entrance of the offices (the escalator we see in Good Omens), and when she arrives- to his utter disbelief -she starts sniffing and repeating ‘I didn’t mean to destroy that demon’, ‘I’ve being feeling odd these weeks’  and ‘I don’t know what’s gotten into me’. He tries his best to calm her down, but the feeling that he is missing something still lingers, stronger than ever now;

-A few nights later, as Gabriel is trying to fill out some paperwork, it just hits him. He springs to his feet and runs into the bathroom, where an infamous box lays untouched since many, too many weeks. He yells ‘Beelz!!! When is the last time you had a menstrual period?’. For an handful of seconds, dead silence. But then, Beelzebub’s voice echoes loud and clear in the house ‘Oh, shit!’;

-So, she is officially carrying a demon-angel hybrid. That night, the silence in their house is disturbed only by Gabriel’s unceasing steps as he walks aimlessly in every single room, mumbling to himself, his face blank and pale. Beelzebub is still in the bathroom, with her head between her hands and questioning her life decisions (lmao, poor bean);

-The thing Beelz hates the most about pregnancy are swollen ankles, not because they are unaesthetic or painful, but because she has to give up on wearing her beautiful fishnet socks;

-Once the general shock wears off, Dagon would be so happy! I mean, I see Beelzebub and Dagon as really close friends and partners in crime. No matter who the father of the offspring is, Dagon’s gonna spoil the living Hell out of her nephew/niece;

-Gabriel knows how dangerous Hell is, especially for the Prince. He tries to convince Beelzebub to allow a few security guards (his best angels) to protect her, or at least supervise the entrance of the throne room, but the demon angrily refuses. She is one of the most powerful beings in existence and can take care of herself, as she always did. Plus, angels in Hell? What nonsense that would be;

-Sandalphon and Uriel are not happy about it, like, at all. One day at the office, around the fifth/sixth month of pregnancy, Gabriel overhears Sandalphon muttering ‘What was the Almighty thinking when She allowed that unholy union to happen? Can you imagine what kind of monstrosity will come out from that— that disgusting demon?’. The Archangel takes a long breath, smiles in the most diplomatic way, walks towards his colleague and punches him right in the face. Nobody insults his gf and unborn child;

-Michael isn’t even mad, for she is very open-minded and understanding. She just sticks with Gabriel through it all, secretly glad for him. Excited, even. He is her most trustworthy friend, nothing could ever change that. He does not deserve to be treated as a traitor or an outcast;

-Gabriel loves to feel the baby kicking and moving, even stretching its tiny wings inside the womb. Beelzebub pretends to be annoyed when he rests his head on her belly, but when the Archangel isn’t looking (or at least, that’s what she thinks) she smiles softly at her boyfriend’s tenderness;

-But when the baby starts to move, it. just. doesn’t. give. Beelz. a. break. I mean, she tolerates the little thing with all her heart, but she would appreciate it… if it would just stop wrestling with her spine and ribcage 24/7;

-Thankfully, the other demons do not dare to challenge Beelzebub. Not only she is a formidable fighter on a regular basis, but she grows ten times more protective and intransigent during the gestation. The Prince is aware that there isn’t just her safety on the line, but her child’s as well. Whoever steps a bit too close for her liking gets growled at;

-Surprisingly, Satan himself is one of the first to congratulate. At this point, especially after the Armageddon flop, he doesn’t give two shits about what angels and demons do together. Times have changed… Hell, his own son has rebelled against him! So he just good-naturedly states ‘If this offspring comes out half as fierce as Beelzebub, I sincerely hope it will join our side, or else Heaven would gain a great advantage!’;

Now time for some parenthood head canons:

-When Beelz goes into labour, the questions of the day are ‘What will the child look like!? Will it be a demon? An angel? Both? Will it grow horns or hooves? An halo, perhaps?’. But to everyone’s surprise, the kid comes out pretty normal. A balanced mix of its parents. It inherits Gabriel’s purple eyes and Beelzebub’s black hair. Its only uniqueness is a pair of very, very fluffy black-and-white wings;

-Much to Beelz’s dismay, it also inherits Gabriel’s dumbness and shit-eating grin (especially the ‘shut your stupid mouth, and die already’ smirk). But when the kid is puzzled or simply interdicted, it reminds Gabriel of Beelzebub’s expressions at the airbase;

-Those two immediately fall in love with their baby, anyway. Gabriel even cries a tiny bit as he holds his little one in his arms for the very first time. He knows that Beelz is gonna take hundreds of pictures and tease him about it for all eternity, but he just doesn’t care. For once, screw dignity;

-Michael and Dagon are the best aunts in the world. When Beelzebub and Gabriel are both too busy with work, they are more than willing to spend some time with the child. During playtime, they both try to influence the kid in their own faction’s favor of course, ahah;

-The baby’s first word is ‘pornography’ and you cannot convince me otherwise. Because of that, even if Beelz is undoubtedly entertained, Gabriel is forced to ‘sleep’ on the patio for a whole month;

-Flying lessons with dad! When the child’s wings are grown enough— they become pitch black, the terminal feathers pristine white (like a Black-billed Magpie), or vice versa pristine white, with pitch black terminal feathers (like a Swallow-tailed Kite)—Gabriel decides it is time to teach his little one how to fly. The kid just stares in awe at his dad’s wings (a lot of people, me included, headcanon Gabriel’s wings as gigantic and majestic) and obediently follows every instruction. Beelzebub silently flies beside them, monitoring every progress with pride and making sure nobody gets hurt while practicing;

-Fencing lessons with mom! Beelzebub is a brilliant sword fighter, and she doesn’t waste time showing her kid how to use one;

-The kid is most likely very powerful. It is the offspring of the Lord of the Flies and the Archangel-fucking-Gabriel after all, if it indeed inherits the abilities of both of its parents… oh boy. Nor Hellfire nor Holy water can touch it, that’s scary stuff;

-Since the child is an hybrid, it is allowed to explore Heaven and Hell whenever it wants. While it excitedly snoops around, angels and demons just shoot it some suspicious glances, hoping it would simply choose a side already; 

-The kid does not, because it loves visiting Heaven and Hell just the same. Hell folks are more fun to talk with, that’s true, but Heaven has the best view and a calmer environment.

#ineffable bureaucracy #good omens #good omens gabriel #good omens beelzebub #beelzebub x gabriel #archangel gabriel #archangel sandalphon #archangel michael #archangel uriel #go #beelzebriel #good omens dagon #pregnancy headcanons #ineffable beurocracy #ineffable tag #headcanons

[wolfhednn]

— character chart pt. 5

the fifth installment!

PRESENT ( for the purposes of toa, this will also include timeskip where applicable )

CURRENT LOCATION garreg mach monastery. he spends the large majority of his time in the lower grounds, rarely — if ever — venturing up to the cathedral unless required to. generally speaking, he wears out the same paths between his room, the dining hall, his classroom, and the training grounds. finding him anywhere else is something of a rarity unless he’s been assigned chores. when in doubt, look in the training grounds.

AM — duke felix fraldarius. spends his time at glasagwyn if he’s not needed somewhere else. CF — uhhh. dead. VW / SS — can see it going either duke ending or mercenary ending due to how i’ve set up my verses, canon be damned. in the latter case, likely to be found wherever there’s fighting happening.

CURRENTLY LIVING WITH the other students at the academy. otherwise, on his own ( with glasagwyn staff, as duke ) for the most part.

PETS none currently. 

duke felix fraldarius loosely cares for about a dozen cats in and around his estate ( most of them are directly tended to by the servants ). at any given time, however, usually one or two of those are his cats, who he handles entirely himself. ( his favorite, if you will. ) meeko, a big fluffy tabby who definitely has norwegian forest in her, is the most prominent of these. though he wouldn’t consider them pets, the estate also manages a retinue of horses and pegasi. his wartime pegasus, kyphon, is enjoying a well-earned retirement, and his current war pegasus is named sainglend.

RELIGION as ambivalent about it as ever, in timeskip, felix attends to religious duties as is required of the duke fraldarius, but not generally beyond that. he’s criticized by some for being notably less pious than his father was, given faerghus’ strongly faithful culture, but his generation tends to share that quality overall, so it’s mostly the older advisors who frown at him for it. he doesn’t shirk his duties, however, so nobody can really get on him for doing exactly as much as is needed.

OCCUPATION student, duke fraldarius, or mercenary, depending on which verse we’re looking at.

FINANCES well off. he’s never struggled with finances, even taking into account faerghus’ comparative lack of resources. fraldarius has always been one of the most affluent territories in the kingdom. felix is also very good at handling money and surprisingly adept at state management, strategic at allocating both funds and efforts. his more domestically-focused and, at times, aggressive policies in comparison to those of his father often pay off, and the territory ( canonically ) sees restoration and prosperity under his governance.

FAMILY

MOTHER ghislaine alys fraldarius

RELATIONSHIP WITH HER his mother died shortly after he turned three, and so felix doesn’t have any memories of her. aside from paintings, he doesn’t recall what she looks like. rodrigue has mentioned her sparingly over the years, but has never talked about her in depth with felix, and their relationship soured too early for felix to have asked since. once or twice, he’d asked glenn about her, to which glenn offered some memories and a bit of insight into what kind of person she had been, but they were little more than isolated snapshots and impressions, since he was nine when she died.

FATHER rodrigue achille fraldarius

RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM clearly, not great. felix’s relationship with rodrigue is highly complex. he grew up admiring and loving him, but seeing him largely as a firm, though warm, authority figure. he figured he was indomitable, and to an extent still unconsciously views him as such. obviously, their relationship is very strained currently, and continues to be into timeskip. if asked, felix will only admit to it coming down to an irreconciliable difference in values and leave it at that. 

in reality, there’s a lot more to it, including resentment born from abandonment in the wake of the tragedy of duscur. i do headcanon that, in his preoccupation with his promise to lambert ( and also because of the stress of his deteriorating relationship with felix ), rodrigue was more of a father to dimitri post-duscur than he was to felix. i also headcanon that glenn was always, however subconsciously and unintentionally, his favored child, and he began to scold felix by constantly comparing him to his brother. this continues into present day during the academy years. it doesn’t help, though, that felix also lets his resentment color all his interactions with his father rather than attempting to seek any kind of reconciliation.

there’s also that tasty line from rodrigue in AM in the late-night scene with byleth:

After [the tragedy of duscur] happened, I said something horrible to Felix. He’s hated me ever since... and I don’t blame him.

the game never tells us what this was, and i have thoughts... but they’re sikrit hehehehe...

SIBLINGS glenn leo fraldarius, older brother ( deceased )

RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM very close. as i’ve mentioned before, glenn was felix’s hero growing up, as he was for many others. but more than that, he was an older brother who read to him almost every night, joked around him with all the time, taught him how to fight, and whose actions and words have influenced most of felix’s beliefs and identity. he always knew he could rely on glenn dropping everything unquestioningly to be there for him if he needed it. now that he’s older, he definitely recognizes where glenn’s flaws were, but that doesn’t change that he was the single most foundational person in his life, and that they shared an incredibly close bond despite the 6 year age difference.

SPOUSE sylvain jose gautier fdgsjdkjfh did we ever decide if they were actually going to make it official or not??

RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM in the absence of anything canon, and for the sake of toa-canon, we’re going to put sylvain here LKMKJDH. their dynamic should already be self-explanatory haha glance at any of our 87342 threads... cat and dog romance. sylvain is Whipped for that fraldarius. felix will die before he admits that he’s fond of sylvain and wouldn’t trade him for the world. ( he’s mad at me already for typing that. ) i’ll throw this here as the perfect depiction of their life before running away from my muse.

CHILDREN none technically

RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM felix has no interest in having kids and never pursues any of his own, whether biological or adoptive. as he gets into his later years, however, and concern about inheritance mounts in the absence of any known relatives, felix goes in search of someone, regardless of bloodline or social class, who upholds the tenets of what it means to be a fraldarius, and inducts them formally as the heir to his house ( sort of a la ashe ). it’s a highly controversial move, but felix remains steadfast in his stance in the face of any opposition. though he initially intends for his relationship with the child ( who would likely be older, around 8-13 ) to be strictly that of a duke and his successor, he eventually can’t help himself from becoming something of a parent to them anyway.

OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS he considers every one of those ~dozen cats to be family and would unhesitatingly run back into a burning glasagwyn to rescue any of them, much to the horror of his retainers.

#▐ ⊰ ᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ ᴀᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ⊱ meta. #this is officially farther than i ever got on leif #success.......... #. ⊰ ❛ ᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ ᴀᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ⊱ * meta — ✘ #. ⊰ ❛ ʜᴇᴀᴠᴇɴ sʜᴀʟʟ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ sɪʟᴇɴᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʀᴀᴠᴇ ⊱ * meta — ✘ #. ⊰ ❛ ʜᴇᴀᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀs ᴛʜᴇ sɪʟᴇɴᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ʙʀᴀᴠᴇ ⊱ * meta — ✘

[hollenius]

I'm so so sorry but I have to: Werner for the character meme (and/or Chuck McGill, if you can't think of anything!)

What the hell, I'm gonna do Werner AND Chuck

Werner

Fav thingabout him: He is so sweet; if I had a German uncle or grandpa or something, I'dwant him to be mine. He obviously takes his work very seriously too. He(initially) seems like a very cautious, careful sort of guy...unfortunatelythis attitude does not extend to all aspects of his life.

Least favthing: He's too sweet, dammit. His naivete and trusting nature made megenuinely angry, because I couldn't believe anyone could be so stupid aboutanything when he seemed fairly smart about everything else. I don't think youhave to be "street-smart" to understand that breaking out of an enclosedcompound without permission isn't the sort of thing you'd be allowed to getaway with. I was annoyed at how he felt like a plot device at the endthere--that he just existed to force Mike to have to kill him. It's a fault ofthe writing more than the character. Everyone could see the end coming from amile away, which is (as far as I can remember) unprecedented in the series.Even things that were heavily telegraphed and seemed obvious usually carriedsome sort of unforeseen twist, i.e. everyone thinking the lantern was going tobe involved in Chuck's death, but not knowing it was going to be a suicide. Thesecond they showed Mike building up a relationship with Werner, everyone knewexactly where it was headed. Also, this is a weird pet peeve, but I hate how healways called Mike "Michael". Bro, you've been working with him formonths, you are the only one who calls him that.

Fav line:(agh, unfortunately I can't recall any because I don't have any way ofrewatching season 4 at the moment. I love that he was courteous enough totranslate into English that he felt like he was going to throw up in the bumpyvan ride.)

brOTP: Him& Mike as cute old man drinking buddies.

OTP: Werner& his unseen wife, I guess. (That phone call before his death was so sad. I hope nothing happens to her, but this is the Breaking Bad Cinematic Universe, so bad things often happen to innocent people.)

nOTP: idk,Werner/Kai? I haven't really seen him shipped with anybody so I can't say Ihave any strong opinions on the matter.

randomheadcanon: (again, I need to rewatch all of season 4, because I remember thestory arcs, but not enough of the little details in dialogue and stuff.)

unpopularopinion: I have to admit, I don't know enough of what the popular opinions onWerner are to know what an unpopular opinion would be. I liked him, I just wishhis character arc felt less contrived and that he was treated like less of adevice. I also have seen some people in some places comparing him to Walt,which doesn't really make sense to me, because personality-wise they're justtoo far removed from each other. (Then again, people were even comparing dopeyPryce to Walter White, which was also a stretch!)

song Iassociate w/ him: I...I have no idea! Sorry. (So long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodbye?)

fav picture: the cute little drawings @callmcgills did of him! (Also, ugh, the shot where he is, uh, shot...is beautiful. Depressing, but cinematically beautiful. I’m not posting that here though.)

 Chuck

Fav thingabout him: Honestly, as a fellow cowardly, anxiety-ridden, socially maladroit, perfectionistolder child, aspects of him are extremely relatable, frightening as that may beto admit. (My younger brother is of the slacker/moocher variety, rather thanthe con man variety, though.) I don't agree with everything he does, but I understandwhy he does it. (This is actually pretty similar to my attitude towardsSkyler's actions in Breaking Bad--I don't necessarily agree with her decisions,but I mostly understand why she acts the way she does.)

Least favthing: I think he should've been willing to at least put Jimmy on some sort ofprobationary path to HHM after he landed Sandpiper. HHM was under no obligationto hire Jimmy after he passed the bar (a lot of fandom seems to feel otherwise,which makes no sense! I don't think any other firm would've wanted to hireJimmy either!) Jimmy probably would've still managed to screw something up, butat least then if Chuck wanted to officially bar him from working for HHM forgood, Jimmy would know why, and what it was that he had done to cause that. Itdoes no good to punish someone if he doesn't even understand he's beingpunished, which is what the whole issue is in the first place with Chuck goingbehind Jimmy's back and using Howard as the perpetual bearer of bad news.

Fav line:"Because if there's one thing kids love, it's local printjournalism."

brOTP: lmao Chuck is bros with nobody except his space blanket, and his ol'sipping-scotch-and-chortling companion Howard, before that relationship gotdestroyed...

OTP: ...althoughI must also confess a SHAMEFUL desire to ship Chuck/Howard, because it's gotsuch a messed up power dynamic, because they've known each other for at least18 years, because Howard's clearly still so much in awe of Chuck (which Chuckprobably enjoys), and because neither of them seems to have any other friendsor close relationships. (Are we ever going to learn what's up with Howard'swedding ring? Even my mom thinks Howard is gay at this point! And what's upwith papa Hamlin? Did he die? Retire?) Canon-wise, I'm actually really curiousabout Chuck & Rebecca's relationship, because I have to wonder what it washe did that caused her to divorce him, but not bear any particular grudge oranimus towards him afterwards. He was clearly really upset about the divorce,but doesn't bear any ill-will towards her either. She doesn't appear to enteredinto any new relationship after the divorce either. It's all very mysterious.

nOTP: I can'ttell if this person was serious or not, but I swear I remember seeing someonepropose some theory that Kim had fucked Chuck at some point, and that's gonnaget a BIG NO from me.

randomheadcanon: oh god I've got like five hundred of them at this point. Themassive infodump that was Chuck's obituary in the season 4 premiere contributedto a lot of them, I think. I imagine Chuck's freshman year of college, at age14, was absolute hell for him. He was so proud to get accepted to an Ivy Leagueschool, but had been upset it wasn't a more prestigious one, like Harvard,Yale, or Princeton. (He had applied to them and had a few interviews, but unbeknownstto him, he had been heavily penalized in their byzantine admissions proceduresbecause, despite his sterling academic record, they didn’t find him outgoing or athleticenough.) His parents put him on the train to Philadelphia by himself, with afew suitcases, a map, and $50. He had no problems getting to the university,but was pretty overwhelmed right off the bat by the fact that everyone else wasolder and wealthier than him; he had dealt with this to some extent in high school, butnot to this degree (I headcanon his fictional alma mater, Francis Xavier HighSchool, as a typical Jesuit all-boys preparatory school that draws heavily fromupper-middle-class suburban families). Here he was, a literal child, thrustinto the adult world, and the world of the elites, at that. He probably feltself-conscious about things he hadn't even realized he could feelself-conscious about before, and spent at least a couple nights sobbing intohis pillow, and praying that his roommate couldn't hear him. He made a coupledesperate attempts to fit in, with a relatively low level of success (e.g. goingto a party and trying to impress people there by playing piano, only to get abeer spilled on him instead), before deciding it wasn't worth it and he wouldthrow himself singlemindedly into his classes and extracurriculars. He had hisfirst-ever panic attack sometime during his first semester, and wound up at thecampus doctor's office because he had convinced himself he was having a heart attack.On being told he was physically fine, he was indignant, but all the same, henever told his family about the incident, or anyone else either. Somewherearound this time, he also gets a letter from his parents, telling him he'sgoing to be a big brother in a few months, and won't this be exciting for him?(He wants to tell them his life is too exciting for him as it is, but saysnothing, instead writing back that he is sure having a younger sibling to helplook after will be the greatest experience of his life. He almost convinceshimself that he means it.)

unpopularopinion: I DON'T HATE CHUCK. (The most unpopular opinion of all!) He's myfavorite character on the show, with the obvious disclaimer that saying acharacter is my favorite doesn't mean I approve of all the character's actions,etc. Also, I know he's just a fictional character, but I'm still pissed offabout people celebrating that he killed himself & saying they hope it waspainful & stuff like that. Like, how much of an asshole do you have to be?What a horrible thing to say.

song Iassociate w/ him: Burning Down The House j/k, probably Faure's Sicilienne,because I too, cannot play it on piano without screwing up

fav picture: Not a picture, but I can’t resist.

[raccoonpatriotism]

260 [Random, Useless Headcanons 📂] from @homeofthevan | Part 2 Explosive Boogaloo

1-100: Here

101: He’s always had an, uh, ‘excellent’ temperament with old women - starting from being forced to help out at Old Folks Homes to get him out of the Orphanage. 

102: He yells to show he cares. 

103: He also yells for the sake of it.

104: You have to constantly say his name if you want him to continue to be part of the conversation.

105: that’s why he so often repeatedly uses names, nicknames, a simple ‘son’ when speaking to people.

106: He assumes everyone’s just like him until proven otherwise.

107: Along with what I said earlier about him not being empathetic; he really isn’t able to visualize himself in someone elses shoes unless he’s been walked through, like, a specific a few times. 

108: He respects Miss Pauling the most out of everyone he knows. 

109: Smissmas and Thanksgiving are tied for his favorite holiday.

110: Jane really likes Halloween though, and isn’t a grump on Valentines day. 

111: <- Jane’s password for anything he owns that requires a password. More 1s if necessary.

112: When he’s thirsty he’ll go to the nearest form of water for hydration - catch him just drinking out of the bathroom sink - leaning up as he wipes his mouth, chirping, “Hello, private.”

113: He guzzles coffee like it’s fuel, but he has a very strict, No Caffeine after lunch protocol.

114: Decaff is for WIMPS.

115: Jane plays the trombone.

116: Subsequently, in most music, he appreciates and hums along with the bass parts.

117: Modern AU-Jane may be a Call of Duty fanboy, but he respects Halo for being another accurate depiction of life on the battlefront. 

118: Speaking of modern Jane, the Military didn’t accept him in the 80s either.

119: His love for the military lead him to believe for sure he’d be accepted he was the Perfect Patriot and his enlistment would be a surefire way to help fund his transition--

120: But of course, as strong as he had become he’d spent his youth very sick and with the possibility of the illness to return along with a terrible psyche eval and 80s typical transphobia that lane was firmly closed.

121: At least he had DOOM to fall back on. And he was physically strong enough to hold down jobs to at least pay for testosterone.

122: And then Call of Duty came out and he became an early era streamer. (Went viral as one of those guys who basically RPs being an actual soldier in the voice chat.)

123: BACK TO CANON JANE because those headcanons just.. plain, aren’t useless. canon jane doesn’t have to deal with transphobia. tch.

124: He’s not the best to have on your football team as menacing as he is. He’ll start tackling everybody. Running the wrong way. Trying to steal the ball from his teammates.

125: If you tell Jane something’s American after he criticizes it, watching him backtrack is really fun.

126: Jane doesn’t get sick often, which is good because he is insufferable. Either goes full isolation straight up outside somewhere. Or is whining to everyone and everyone how it’s not allowed that he can’t be burrowing somewhere outside.

127: His hands are always warm - if they’re cold he’s probably having an Episode of some sort. 

128: Rock and Roll helps his tinnitus, though he’ll still refer to it as Hippy Garbage. Like most music.

129: Jane could probably tapdance if given proper shoes. Mmm no, he’d stomp through the floor. Horse level clomping.

130: He’ll be the hype-man for anyone on his team.

131: Despite not being a fan of mint flavoring, he loves himself a candy-cane.

132: His thumb isn’t double jointed - seeing someone showing off their double jointed-ness would have Jane proclaiming magic was necessary.

133: LT. BITES lightning round!! Lt. Bites sees jane as its “General” 

134: It got the bite taken out of its ear fighting over sour cream - it won.

135: Jane doesn’t give any raccoons a higher rank than Bites.

136: Lt. Bites doesn’t crave human flesh or anything, but it likes the sensation of biting people!

137: Jane has tried to get his raccoon a job at RED.

138: You can tell when Jane is having a really good day on the battlefield because you’ll round the corner and there’s Naked Soldier.

139: He’s waxing poetry about the beauty of the Male Form, take it in you soft quivering maggots. 

140: I can’t get the image of Jane crowd surfing out of my head? That’s, like, his ideal dream for being recognized for his heroics. Medals and a mosh in his Honor.

141: Anytime he sees a Bald Eagle he entirely stops what he’s doing to place his left hand over his heart.

142: Jane loves The Art of War and is still awaiting Sun Tzu’s next book.

143: [ Alcohol ] Jane only sees ghosts when he’s starving, drunk, or suffering from a concussion. And it’s merely a way for such a boar minded guy to internalize what’s going on around him.

144: He can touch his toes keeping his knees straight.

145: Jane has minor ice-skating knowledge, as most growing up in the midwestern united states do. He’s not, good, though, he’s really intent on Taking Steps instead of gliding.

146: Put him in front of a piano and he’s holding out on finger and pressing down on one key at a time like an old man at a desktop keyboard.

147: Jane is ready to beat up your father. 

148: Especially if your dad is shitty, unleash good ol’ Solly on him.

149: While he favors picking his nose with his pinkies, neither of his pinkie pads have any feeling.That makes them a little less dexterous when the time comes.

150: He’s always aching to be active, his brain will take things literally if it means he’ll be doing something.

151: Rum pineapple juice and malibu caribou -- Er. He doesn’t like pineapple flavoring. Isn’t a fan of mixed drinks in general? 

152: He’s capable of staying out of the picture and not picking his nose, often times if things aren’t focused on him he’ll just sorta.. Stand out of the way playing with his hands - rifling through his pouches. Some times he’ll even, *gasp* pay attention. 

153: He really likes to but in with his opinion is the thing.

154: He’s an American and his ideals must be heard.

155: Merasmus out here having doing the most for Soldier, in helping him reintegrate back into society. You think he’s bonkers now?? Psh. You should’a seen him fresh home from Poland.

156: He’s shown up to Civil War reanactments with a real gun.

157: Jane is incapable of yawning silently.

158: Stairs are overrated.

159: Catch Jane with a lukewarm mug of water pouring coffee grinds directly into it and saying “Damn, that’s a fine cup of Joe.”

160: Only. 100 left? Sweet Joseph Wetnurse of Jesus He’s got dirty blond hair leaning toward brunette.

161: Any righteous death deserves a warrior’s burial - That’s why you’ll find Jane, helmet over heart, giving a stirring eulogy about the Toilet from the Men’s Restroom that Got Unearthed and Shattered By... Nobody In Particular. 

162: He will just join in large groups of people  - like protests? He’ll just fall in line and preach his own stuff which sometimes doesn’t exactly align with the group at large.

163: i asked myself, would jane pick someone else’s nose? Yes.

164: His hugs are always really warm.

165: He would notice his wallet being pickpocketed - unless it was replaced by something the same weight. He’s like a temple from Indiana Jones.

166: Mentally? Jane’s fine with being alone, but. That leads to him living in a box or a room straight out of that “Damn, bitch, you live like this?” comic.

167:  Despite deep cold being triggering to him (SEE HC, 67.), he loves snow-forts and hot chocolate because those are great American past-times.

168: next one is this post’s 69 brace yourselves! Jane’s never truly in silence, the constant whistling in his ears will see to that. That’s why sometimes, when it is quiet, you’ll catch Jane looking into space like he’s trying to see where the sound is coming from.

169: Important to note, he ain’t popping a boner any time he’s fighting nude. Or, really, fighting any time. Intent is really important for him. (If he gets all rubbed up on, though, Well,)

170: Jane is under the assumption that everything he comes up with is ingenious and people like Red Spy are holding society back by ignoring such wide plans.

171: He’s secretly soothed by everyone on his team’s voices.

172: First off, himself. He loves to hear himself talk. Mostly fueled by self-important intent, the tenor of his own voice also soothes his eardrums.

173: Pyro’s is muffled yet energetic - and never fails to get Jane pumped up.

174: Scout’s got that accent that is pure and simple, American. Soldier may not listen to half of what he says, but for background buzz and funny colloquialisms 

175: And, Engie's accent garners a whole other sort of American respect out of the Soldier. As far as soothing goes? Engie’s is like butter.

176: Soldier hate’s Heavy’s accent on principle, but below his American Stubbornness is a love for the deep, thoughtful symbols Heavy provides. Plus, y’know, he appreciates a fellow loud guy.

177: Demo’s voice makes Solly a happy man. It used to make him furious, an all Scottish accents did, but more recently it makes him feel nostalgic. 

178: Jane would swear up every mountain he can that there’s nothing positive to be found in Spy’s accent, but zoning out to such poised speech patterns and rounded vowels is a common occurrence. 

179: When Sniper gets that gravelly tone going on, when he takes things really seriously? Jane like that.

180: Jane can’t find it in him to be really put off by anything Medic says during surgery, so his voice only causes a feeling of safety throughout the Soldier. He can’t get enough of hearing Enthusiasm in the Medic’s voice.

181: He doesn’t believe the Police can arrest him because they aren’t the official Government.

182: He looks at a baby and is like “What animal is this?”

183: Big hands.. talented at giving massages.

184: BEWARE HIM BREAKING YOUR SPINE - just specify ‘and don’t kill me’!

185: Jane doesn’t gossip so much as, be around people who are gossiping which makes him want to make up some Hot Goss. Also, he’ll act like every rumor someone else shares is spoken truth.

186: Jane picked up finger guns from Scout. He either uses it constantly or doesn’t use it for weeks at a time.

187: He lifts, broskis.

188: Jane will talk about trucks because the Average American Male is expected to. He knows nothing about cars.

189: He’s an impulsive liar, so caught up in in his web of ‘things he says to impress people’ that he believes everything he says. So are the woes of being an adult with ADHD.

190: He goes between being smell-blind and having the scent skills of a bloodhound. It’s probably a mental thing, because there’s no in between, but Jane doesn’t know anything.

191: i’ve been working on these for 5 days at this point... i hope they’re appreciated JANE prefers..soft food. jane Does Not lov the cronch.

192: Which is what makes cashews his favorite nut. they’re soft-ish. and they have just enough crunch to not gross him out.

193: He loves immediate gratification. 

194: Beyond joining the Military? Jane’s never had a solid plan for his future. Lives too in the moment. 

195: As long as he’s having fun, Jane’s a pretty content guy.

196: Any artistic skills he may have once had go into making Maps for war planning sessions.

197: He’ll fall victim to Sleep Paralysis occasionally and, once able to move, will spend the rest of the day curing ghosts and Merasmus’ magic.

198: He was SUPER into Howdie Doodie Time in his youth, and being put in front of any reruns will have him basically hypnotized into silence.

199: He’s proud of his ass.

200: Jane can keep marching pace for hours at a time. And if he’s not lugging around his rocket launcher he can keep marching for an entire day no pausing. 

201: Jane isn’t shy about telling jokes, because he believes everyone has the same sense of humor as him.

202: He knows karate but refuses to use his knowledge because it is not an American Form. He will stick to brute strength and loud yelling thank you very much.

203: He’s the type to state every time he’s going to use the bathroom. Like, people can be having a serious conversation and hes like, “I am going to take a shit now!”

204: Jane’ll go a week without washing his hair, but he always brushes his teeth two times a day.

205: He gives a damn good kiss.

206: All Human Nudity is safe for work. As it was God’s Intention to make people strongest when not held back by fabric.

207: All he wants is recognition.... for his good deeds...

208: He’ll have staring contests with the Sun. He’s yet to win, but that damn star shouldn’t get too comfortable.

209: Much like his pinkies, his feet have been crushed, blown up, and bruised so many times that he doesn’t have much feeling in them either.

210: He’s never washed his bellybutton.

211: He prefers savory to sweet, but he prefers sweet to sour.

212: Half assing is not in Jane’s vocabulary.

213: His brain will get stuck on simple Math - like, he tries his best to figure it out, it’s just.... Numbers..... they are a construct. And so he’ll end up pondering what 5+7 is for, like, 5 minutes.

214: Jane is constantly torn between wanting to be a Figure of Authority and also being a man born in the trenches following orders.

215: Have I mentioned lately Jane fucks? 

216: Jane’s room is sparsely decorated, but it’s only because he’s not materialistic and doesn’t generally receive gifts.

217: He’s more than willing to strip Right This Moment and fight something.

218: Jane’s not afraid to call other people losers.

219: He crops his own hair once a week. Same day he’ll do his wash.

220: Jane’s stubble grows in really fast, but he can’t deny the feeling of having a freshly shaved jaw is amazing.

221: If a teammate is struggling emotionally..... Jane walks away.

222: If they’re struggling again, /then/ Jane will give them some uncalled for American Advice. Like, meaningfully yelling “GET OVER IT, YOU SLOBBERING FOOL.”

223: He has a very, very high pain threshold. 

224: He accidentally walks into walls all the time.

225: He can’t magically see through his helmet - he just knows everyone’s feet super well.

226: It’s good that Lt. Bites is a wild, self sufficient animal because Jane is terrible at pet care. And child care. And any sort of care.

227: On the very rare occasions Jane gets overwhelmed with depression he’s a shadow of his former self questioning the sanctity of American Ideals and wondering aloud if War really is the answer to his problems.

228: Next day he’ll be fine and forget he was ever upset.

229: He’s never gotten a real back massage before, if he were to get one he’d probably literally melt? Some women he’s slept with liked to say sensually ‘oh what a big tense man you are’ and, like, weakly rub his back. they didn’t get paid to fix this man’s back muscles LMAO

230: Any backwards period-typical beliefs about women went out the window upon meeting Miss Pauling.

231: His love for America is truly as pure as it gets.

232: Jane’s pretty xenophobic, but he can learn better, I’m sure. he’s gotten his ass kicked for being ignorantly racist and he grew to be a better person.

233: He takes really well to learning things through violence, the only issue is.. dealing with Soldier Being Violent.

234: There’s nothing a fist to the face won’t fix.

235: He’s not much of a napper, his brain being far too active to let him rest during daylight hours.

236: He’s constantly moving, even in sleep.

237: Hell, give him a few hours after being knocked unconscious and he’ll start wiggling something around.

238: He doesn’t stop to smell the flowers, because if they wanted to be smelled they’d approach him.

239: He believes in the good of all humans, it’s just buried down past his Fight Everyone radar.

240: He only likes musicals about fighting Hitler.

241: His biggest regret is not punching Hitler.

242: He does not fear death, he does not fear punishment. He lives for his ideals and if he’s taken down believing in himself? Then that’s okay.

243: Jane needs deodorant reminders.

244: He takes personally being betrayed as people betraying the country of America.

245: (oh shit i slacked off it’s been like two days since i wrote something, Who Is Soldier?) CEREAL THEN MILK, MAGGOTS

246: Jane doesn’t know the word migraine so he really can’t describe how he feels.

247: Look, he loves his friends, he loves his guns, but he’s stingy with the word.. Love because that’s what he feels for America and the country will always be number one.....

248: Jane’s not too partial to sarcasm outside of combat, but it’ll find it’s way into his speech. His tone is usually hammed up to signify he’s joking around or being cruel.

249: He’s like a cartoon character, he can only understand sarcasm if it’s Funny to at the moment.

250: Jane likes his hair being pet.

251: He likes his hands being played with as much as he likes playing with other people’s hands. (A lot.)

252: He loves dogs, but is more of a cat person. Dogs and him just echo energy and HYPE feelings back and forth at each other until they pass out and then Jane feels more emotionally exhausted than hanging out with people.

253: The weirdest parts of rom-coms make him cry. 

254: He appreciates a good non-american explosion, but he has his preferences. 

255: You show Jane genuine kindness and interest and he’s like, Yours. Jane vc: Are you the vice-president?

256: If he were to have a reptile for a sidekick instead of a raccoon, he would have a turtle.

257: He can be delicate when he needs to be, but cracking eggs is a different story.

258: While not too partial to sugary beverages - he has a figure to maintain, root beer and ginger ale are his go-tos.

259: He can appreciate a salad! Jane Doe will eat his greens!!!!

260: Soldier has no tattoos, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be open to getting any. Just never crossed his mind.

SWEET SPIRIT OF JOE BIDEN AM I FINISHED?

thank you,... for reading my garbled thoughts.. for respecting The Soldier... and for being a creative individual. But mostly the respecting Soldier thing.

#patriotic headcanons #patriotic answers #like hell im gonna proofread lets go baybeeeeeeee #//THANKS AGAIN #I LOVE SOLDIER TF2 #tf2 soldier