#and conversation lags where normally if there is one thing im good at its continuing a steady stream of nonsense | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

idksheepthoughts · 6 years

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Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me.... any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that? yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter? and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing and here we are, situations reversed

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here (5) so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm. and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x (6) .those thoughts make me want to die

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.

Her: oh, now you believe me after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/ like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for (8) i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account where you seem ot think i live a dandy life (9) it fcking sucks bc im trying my best! anyways im done lol oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much) that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online and we've been civil lately but ok! i guess i don't care! because im living it up! #sarcasm (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either, i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :) (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :) god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed. But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something "idc if its an exaggeration" ^^^^^^^ unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao (11) apparnetly you get to be and i dont thats how it always is did you ever think about it feels for me when my only friend does shit like this constantly like lmao ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care LOL and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it? but you just want to assume, assume, assume (12) i cried already out of anger

Me: I didn't have friends in college either

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser. I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong???#my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post

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